The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - Second time seventh grader

Episode Date: May 14, 2024

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt talk about their shows in New Jersey, how Joey would do on house arrest, Lee passing out at Joey's after the podcast last week, Joey enjoys some treats, and much more! Download the new DraftKings Pick Six app and press in code JOEY for a shot at huge cash prizes. The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz See less  

If you didn't have anything to do, could you, like, could they put you on house arrest and you'd be okay? Like, would that drive you nuts? Not really. No, like, if you had everything delivery? That would make my dreams come true. No. I put it home. I have a gym here.

I go in my yard. I get vitamin D. You're allowed to go out a certain amount of time during the day. I don't know. I didn't know that. Yeah, you go shopping. You go fucking here there. They put a bracelet on you.

Right. That's the thing. They know where you're going. So you have to tell them where you're going. They got to be able to call that place. And for them to say, you know, yeah, he's here. Hold on. And then you talk to him.

Then they hang up the phone. But they know. They know with the bracelet. They know everything. I've seen videos on Instagram and they can call you to the bracelet now. Yeah. People like pick up their like their foot and they talk to the brain. So you'd be okay, but you'd be okay, you think?

You don't think you'd go nuts? At this age, no. They've been doing me a fucking trade. Who wants to go out anyway? You ever think about that? If you can make a couple dollars from the house, stay at home, eat fucking fresh eggs every day, and cut the grass.

It's not bad. It's a good little therapy. It's like going to rehab at your house and really, really enjoying your fucking house. That's how I look at it now at this age. At 24, I would have fucking cut the bracelet off. Oh, you would have? Oh, yeah.

Been in Harlem, and up and down. Yeah, it's a different game. When they put me on ProBee, I want you to listen to this. Okay. I get to the halfway house. I'm there a day.

I don't know what's going on. You have to stay in there for 72 hours until they evaluate you and talk to you and just you have to learn all the rules and shit. You have to train four or five hours a day. And then they tell you that. Anywhere you go, I have to give them a number where I'm going.

there was no There was no... That's a tremendous fight. That was a good one. I switched governments on the protein. Tremendous. I feel a lot better. Three, four days.

Anyway, while I was rudely interrupted by my asshole, fucking... So the rule was, if I went to Lee Syatt's house, I would have to put travel time and how long I was going to be there, and a number. to your house that you could answer that phone and pass it on to me okay that was the rule and then when i left there i'd have to call and say i'm a half hour from home base i'm coming in now

i stuck to that pretty good except to getting the calls i figured out a way that i got a job and if they called my job it was the phone was in the office i was supposed to be there detailing cars i wasn't there detailing cars i had a big i had a pager okay and they would just page me and go where you're at and I get telling whatever the fuck I want

I'm on the moon I'm right around the corner but the thing I don't understand is you just said you stuck to it pretty well and then you just said

you didn't do any of it the second part of it I called them and told them where I was going how long I'd be that but you just said that you weren't actually there

no I was at the picture on so I would be in the fucking movies and they'd be asking me where I was and I'm like a Nightwatt delivering a car. Okay, call us back when you're in Boulder County.

I was gone for an hour to deliver, then it took, once I got there, the guy found the scratch, and we had to buff it out, and then we had to drive back, and there was traffic, there was an accident on the fucking, you know what I'm saying. Right. But they could never hold me down,

unless I was really going to your house, or Joe's house, or Jimmy Florentine's house. I would say, yeah, I'm going there. And I would play the game on the weekends. But nine to five during the week, suck my dick. I need my freedom. I need my Chinese food.

I need my matinees. It was crazily. What would happen? I remember one time you want, I mean, you're not allowed to drive at all unless you're level four. What level were you? I was like level two because I could get in trouble. Okay.

And one day I'm at a light driving, bumping. to music and one of the counselors pulls up right next to me guy. Fuck. I'm like, I'm going back to prison. I'm done. And I just kept looking the other way. And I prayed and the light, the good

Lord changed that light and I made the next left. And that night I walked in with fucked up shoes to let her know I was walking all day and she just say a word to me. What would have happened if they had caught you like going to a movie? Like, would you've got sent back to prison? No. It's like lying. They'd take away two or three weekends of privileges, shit like that. You had to clean the latrines, you know.

Okay. But I still remember being in a halfway house and telling them I was going to Denver to deliver a car and going to eat Chinese food. At that time, I had a little gym. In 1990, 89, I had a gym in the middle of Boulder. It cost me $35 a month. It was a garage. and I hung a bag in there and weights and fucking roller skates you know whatever I was doing at the time but I definitely had a bag and I definitely had like a weight machine

like a bench press when I was to halfway house I figured out a way but I could roll a joint of good weed and take a hit of it three days a week and get fucking blasted on that one hit and they couldn't

ever test me positive for it. It was a very low amount and I would sweat and I would eat bagels to, and I would get bagels delivered right in front of those motherfuckers. Like poppy seed. And they were like, yeah, I'll out to eat those.

Bro, I'm eating these three at a time. You know what I'm saying? I'm not saying. I never came up positive doing that. One hit. Never two. Did you get caught when he did two? No, but I never even pushed it because I knew. I trained my body to get high

off one hit. I did that for maybe seven months. It was really insane. Like I could write a book about my seven or eight months in the halfway house. That's a complete different movie, complete different book.

And at that time, I was total chaos and that place was in total chaos. Well, I mean, I can't even imagine because you must be out, It's all of you who were, you know, criminals and like it must be just mayhem all the time. Is everyone doing this?

Do you remember when you first, when we first started the podcast in your apartment, we had one of the guests call in. Okay. The name was Alex. Do you remember a Mexican dude called in and said he missed me? We were tight. Okay. I remember a specific night. I was just about to get like married.

I was like a week or two weeks. away from getting married and I'm selling cars I'm fucking wholesaling cars I'm doing everything I can to make money for this wedding on top of that I'm slinging a little coke because I'm not doing code at this time I'm just slinging a little blow right at work a couple of the guys that are the other dealerships one Friday it's really slow and I fucking this is 1989 Lee this is like August of 89 it's hot and my curfew at the halfway house was midnight then because I was level four I was getting furloughs on the weekend I was just making it happen I'm rocking and

rolling everything's going fine and I got a half ounce of some fucking cocaine on me and I leave it in the car and I go into this strip club that'd be Y ob b I'll never forget this night and I also there's a Asian chick dancing fucking just tremendous. She was so tremendous. I ran to the car and got the half a ounce of coat. I took her for a private dance.

I said, this is it. Let's fucking snort ourselves to death. And we started going off in there in this fucking room. I was in that room from probably 8 o'clock to fucking 11. I had to straighten up by the time

I got to the halfway house at midnight. I'll never forget getting that about a quarter the midnight, and I'm not exaggerating to you. This place house like, let's say 60 people. Okay. I had six of them in the windows clapping because they knew I was bringing Coke into the fucking halfway house on a Friday and Saturday. Oh, fuck.

And I never forget going upstairs and people knocking on my door. And Alex was my roommate. And Alex was sharing the shower on and put shaving. cream on and make believe he was shaving all night while he was snorting Coke. Six in the morning he'd still be in there with the steam, make him believe he just keep putting shaving his shaving because the Coke would make him

go crazy. Fucking hysterical. And did you have any left after the stripper? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I took it fucking back. I probably did like a quarter with the stripper and I took seven grams back to the halfway house and I sold it within two minutes. They were all waiting for me. They all

got paid. And for some reason, on that Monday, they gave away UA's. The grace of God, I wasn't on that list. But Alex came up positive. Boy, he was shaving all night. Do you think they saw that? They're like, he's fucked up. I will never in my life forget that night.

How it's like when I think about it, like I was in the room hiding. Alex is in the fucking bathroom shaving. and our other roommate Norton he was just an old man he had nothing to do with it he was just in the living room watching TV shaking is that going they're going to send me back to jail

these guys got cocaine in here scales fucking you know it was fucking insanely it was no rehabilitation whatsoever I just can't get over the lack of fear that you have like I'm nervous for you

and it happened in the past dog addiction has no fear. So always remember that. That whole addiction thing. By that time, I was cooking with gas. I had already kidnapped somebody and put them in the trunk of a car. I was already cooking with gas at that point. Why stop at this point? I had done like 10 months in jail. I didn't touch shit. I came out, let's say a Tuesday, and by Thursday I had already done an A-ball. I'm like, where's my life going? This ain't going to work out. To new and other times. Let's get this fucking party started, Jack.

It's Tuesday, the 14th of May. A beautiful day to be alive. The checking is brought to you by. You ready for this? Alpha Brain. Listen to me. I've been drinking their pre-workout peach drink. It is tremendous. You know, from time to time you forget about Alpha Brain, but I'm here. They got a sale going on, May 20th to June 2nd, and Alpha Brain, the subscription. now. So you can either buy the product or get it shipped you every 90 days, 60 days, Bada, Baboom. They also got the little brownie bites. And as usual, alpha brain is tremendous. You understand me, the black label that'll get your tip, top, mug, goo. Go to onit.com right now.

They got a great selection of nutrition, workout products, gear, supplements. Take a look. Let me know what you think on top of the 20. next week I'll get you another 10 if you put down church C-H-U-R-C-H Is that how you spell it? Look at him. You don't know. I thought he wanted to spell him being the Jewish Catholic League.

That's how you spell it. I was on mute. All right. C-H-U-R-C-H. Put in church and get 10% off your first daughter, Tomlum Uncle Joey sent you. You're going to love the upper brain. You're going into the summer. You want to be tip Top Magoo. You don't want to be walking around. Yeah.

I got those virtual sunglasses on. You know what I'm saying? Anyway, go to honor.com, press in church. Tell them Joey sent you. Listen, it's getting hot right now. It was getting hot for me the other day. And I forgot I went on Fuji Sports.com. Oh, my God.

I got myself the nicest lightest ghee you could ever get yourself in summertime. You don't want to have that gear on. Who you fight, gladiator? You know Fuji got the nicest, smoothest, tough as geese out there. They've been around forever. I think Fuji built motorcycles. They built a tower.

These people know tough. You understand me? Fuji, Fuji. What do I know that name? Anyway, Fuji Steel. You don't mean. I like to invest some checkles from time to time. Go to Fuji Sports.com right now.

Pick yourself and get a nice rash card. They got some great sales on shorts. They're going to blow your way. Have you never been to Fuji Sports.com, you've made a big mistake. So go to Fuji Sports. pick yourself up to Fuji Gee, the natural. It's a buck five with the discount.

You'll be living like a doctor, and it's basic. You don't need nothing. But the summer's coming. They got the ultra light that'll knock your socks off. You understand me? Go to fujisport.com right now. Pressing code, church,

to get 10% off your first order. Listen, I hope it's church. You know, I think it's church. But whatever, it's Tuesday. Like that, put that cigarette out, and get some orange juice. Let's get this party started. Click it, Lee.

Turn up your TVs. Run for your lives. It's over. They didn't put you on this planet just to give up. If Uncle Joey could do it, I can rule the world. That's what you got to be thinking. Welcome back to church. Tuesday morning, bitches.

Uncle Joey, Lee Syatt on point, Jack. It was so good to see you last week, buddy. Yeah, all right. Tell it to the Marines. All right? No, it was very good to see you. And it was a hell of a fucking week, but. I lied to you.

Oh, you did? Yeah, because I told you I booked you a hospital room and all that shit before you came down. So what? You didn't have it booked? I canceled it because I knew I didn't want to kill you. You had a rough enough week. You had a Friday in Philly. If you were going to die, you were going to die in Philly. So you didn't. Nobody killed you down there. There was no shootings at the club. No one killed me, but I might have needed the, dude, I passed out after the podcast. I passed out

After we did the podcast at your house Sunday night I slow Listen listen that was the first night All bets were off I know but maybe the hospital When did you cancel the hospital room Tuesday Once I really felt feeling like I can't do this

Keep doing this to this poor kid But we still went a little crazy Wednesday and Thursday Yeah I got fucked I was fucked up I got fucked up I think every night Except for Tuesday because I went to New York But Sunday night when my wife told you to just stay here on the couch,

she's like, you're not going nowhere. We were fucked up, Lee. And by that time, I was sober, you were done. We had both eaten tons of edibles, fucking mushrooms galore. You know, it was just a free fall. And it was great to see you. I was just excited to see you. It was the Lord's Day.

Monday, it was a rough day for both of us. I don't know what we did Monday night. Oh, we were for cheeseburgers with Jimmy Flores. with Jimmy Florentine. Oh, yeah. Those were good. Yeah, we got high. You know, those cheeseburgers were good.

The Monday night special over there, the fucking cheeseburger with the beer. You've been talking about that burger for three years, three and a half years. I'm not a burger guy. Right. Great value. I take my daughter to get burgers at all these Jamoke places,

and they're $22, 23 fucking dollars. And it's just a frozen goddamn patty. For these guys to bang me out for $18. for a short rib, you know, they put everything in there, you know. Oh, it was fantastic. I get everything well done. I get that burger medium. Really?

Did you notice that? I get that medium. There's no reason. The flavor is sensational. I didn't know you were a well done guy. Is it just a better quality of meat? Listen, I gave up on well done hamburgers a long time ago. They suck dick.

Yeah. You're just killing yourself to live. They got to be medium rare. And when you eat a burger like that, that's that high quality and that flavorful, there's no need for anything. You just cook that motherfucker. You want a little bit of blood for flavor.

And the only thing that was missing that night, it was a fucking Cerva Safria. Oh, no. A nice cold beer. And they give you a frosted mug over there. Oh, shit. Yeah, that place was, I love going out to eat with mercy.

Like, we were at another place, and you were telling me like mercy has rules. She only likes certain servers at certain places. Mercy's so fucking funny. And she's so old. Old dog. She's an old 14. She's just talking about going to a concert.

Now, let me tell you something. She likes this girl. Okay. Melanie Martinez. Okay. She's having a time finding a friend to a friend to go to this concert because nobody really knows who she is.

Oh, the performer? Okay. These girls are still listening to Olivia Regigro or some shit. So I guess I'm going to take it to the garden. I'm getting banged out to go to the garden with one of our girlfriends. Nice. We're trying to find the girlfriend's mother so we could verify everything with the mother,

let her know where she's going to the fucking city. They just punched Steve Bouchemmy in the head, you know. They'll do anything over there now. I just want everybody to know where they're at. Right. Oh, yeah, of course. And when's this? I think June something.

I'm not sure. That's exciting. I got a friend that's a cop, a retired cop, and he has a car business. Oh, cool. I called him and he goes, yeah, yeah, yeah,

and the price is perfect, the second Uber. And he likes me, I like him, I'll bring him a little present, and everybody's fucking happy. That's all. It was great.

That was great to see her. I'll leave. I'll fucking call him, meet me on the corner. And that's how you do it. Listen, man, the days of walking to the garden and walking back and having a great time and leaving their hammered, you got to pay attention now in any fucking metropolitan city, you know, and this is, I'm an old man,

I'm telling you that it's real out there. Especially for like a sports, like I was in Tuesday, in New York last Tuesday, and I was taking the train back from Penn Station where the garden is at like midnight. And it was right after the Rangers had won. Oh, crazy. Crazy and they're drunk and they'll hit you with a fucking hockey stick. They don't give a Frenchman's fuck. Those Ranger games?

Oh my God. Going to see those as an adult is like I was when I was a child and I go to a Bruce Lee movie. As soon as I left there, I want to stab a motherfucker with a new chuck. Oh, yeah. And I had to settle on boxes from the fruit market. And I kick it and punch it and throw flying sidekicks because the energy was too much. When you go to a hockey game, that's one thing. When you go to a fucking Ranger game with those.

animals and you're close to the ice and you need a hooded sweatshirt and people are yelling i can't watch hockey on tv live i'm jumping up and down with gloves and the whole thing but on tv it just doesn't work for me i never i never knew you liked hockey at all as a kid i liked hockey a little more until somebody threw me into a fucking car playing hockey on the street i don't need the I like no you know this is when Cadillacs or Cadillacs like I say I don't know what it was like a 73 or 72 this had to be I was probably 14 13 7th grade the second time when I got left back second seventh grade part two and I went and got those days to have these hockey sneakers from Tom McCann. Okay very cool NHL sneakers for the street hockey right and I went and got a pair of those and my friends taught me how to play on the street

and one day one of them checked me and it was one of those catallacks those 73 Cadillacs, you might as well fucking shoot yourself. I landed on my shoulder on that fucking Cadillac. I remember I heard some go, and I was like, that's it. I don't need to be a fucking hockey player.

Where's the shoulder pads? You were tired from hockey that day? And about a week later, one of the kids, his head went through a fucking, like the guy. glass in the car. A window. Yeah. Jesus. Right. Not the windshield of the back, one of the windows on the side. I don't think his head went through the glass. I think he

banged it. The thing cracked up and he got a few stitches. And today he's not doing too well. You know what I'm saying? Speaking of which, we were talking before the podcast and you were telling me about this guy that you used to mess with at a bar, I need to talk about this on the podcast. I don't remember hearing about this guy. His name was Johnny Reed. Okay. You know what? I've been very negligent the last four years. I haven't asked anybody. There's somebody I know right now that I can call and ask him, where is Johnny Reed?

And Johnny Reed was a character. I never met him before. When I came back from Colorado, he was hanging out to Midtown Lounge in Northburg. Okay. And the word was he tried to kill himself. He jumped off the building, but he landed in a dumpster instead, just like fractured his skull. And he was never the same. So he went on disability, and he basically got his disability check and give it to the bartender, and they'd tell him when the money was over.

It would take about three weeks. Then he'd hang him around the ball like a fucking, like a fucking spider, looking for people to buy him drinks. You know, I met him, I don't know, maybe May of 83. And by June and July, I was seeing him a lot more,

but I was seeing him at night. When I'd be driving home from doing coke with my friends, I'd see him on the street walking, talking to himself, throwing little punches and shit. So I asked my friends, what's up with this guy? And they're like, he's fucking out of his mind. I'm telling him, tried to ice himself. And people used to bust his balls. But when Johnny was sober, which was for two or three hours a day, he was pretty fucking cool. You could see that he was a good guy. I don't know. One night we're in the midtown and Johnny's in there talking to himself. And I took him into the bathroom. I gave him a blast of Coke, you know.

he started making little duck noises and shit. And Doug, he was throwing punches, arguing with the fucking phone. You know, it was, you know, and I didn't know he was on fucking whack and do medication. Between the cocaine from the Columbia and the wackadoo medication, they'd just put him over the top. And I'd see him. You know, then I remember going into the city of Cop Coke at 7 in the morning. And I'd see Johnny walking over the bridge throwing fucking left hooks and stuff like that. But one time, he was at the midtown in the afternoon,

and he wouldn't shut the fuck up. He was having a conversation with himself at the bar. And he went to the bathroom. And I don't know if you were aware of this. Bathroom was in Jersey for a bar. They lock on the outside. I did not know that. It was just a little bar that you put like this.

This had to be like 4.30. And I locked them in the men's bathroom. and then we started talking one thing to another we left oh no I came back at 8 o'clock to meet somebody and I go to the bathroom

the bathroom still closed I opened the bathroom and there's Johnny in the bathroom I go Johnny what's going on I don't know I haven't any of you just been in here for four hours And then one night we were there fucking getting Hammond and there's Johnny again

And somebody said, why don't you put your balls on the stool next to him and see how he reacts So I went over I you know told him how his nice his hair look because he had like a scar on his head The fucking hair and we landed in the dumpster And I got to drink to schmooze up to him I'm talking to him and there's a bench and him like a stool and I'm on this stool and I stand up and I put my balls on my dick on the bench and I go Johnny take a look at this I'll never forget he just looked down he goes wow and that was it

that was my Johnny Reed story but I got to ask what happened to him and I'll find out for the next episode to checkin where's John Reed listen he's dead I think so oh that dude died I mean

in 83 he had to be 50 He looked just like red buttons when we were kids, you know. And he, uh, any, uh, any, uh, any scar on his head? Yeah, from where he landed in a dumpster. Yeah. It was a fucking, it was something that you couldn't even, that when I think about it now, I just giggle.

Yeah. Which I was going to do. These stories, but I'll call around. I know somebody who exactly would know what happened to Johnny Reed. I'll give him a call tomorrow. Oh, that's awesome. Last week was a very good education. for everybody.

That went to the dojo. You know, it was good for me. I learned a ton that those two nights. I get to watch you and you were just completely different than what I thought you were going to be. Oh, thanks. The first night I listened and the second night I watched, that's how I do it.

Okay. Was a lot better in the first night. Yeah. You were very funny. Your stage presence was good. And it was very, it took me two or three days to go, wow, that was great. Steve was great. Danny was fucking always good.

You know, I like the place. I like the dojo comedy a lot, you know. I don't know. I got to figure something out for the summer. See what my schedule is going to be like. I don't fucking know. You know, I'm going to be busy. I'm putting the edible company, the edibles you tasted.

Great. I had two different flavors. Watermelon, the cherry, and the fucking pancake. And that tasted exactly like syrup. It was crazy. I wouldn't believe it. People said that's like their number one flavor. And I was like, I don't know. It is a good one for chubby dudes. Chubby do pancakes, dog. So it is a good idea.

Those edibles are really fucking good. Oh, and. Fuck out of me. I'm not, you know, I'm not. type of i'll tell you exactly what i feel how i know when you take 60 it looks like you take 100 nice yeah that was what i took the first night the second night we know the first night you took those and a fucking abx right oh yeah a fucking soldier you understand me you took no fucking prisoners the first night you gave zero fucks but there was only one problem you know i got

sexual desires, the problem is I can't fulfill them. You know what I'm talking about? Okay. I don't know where you're going with this. Well, what I want to mean to tell you is that I had big numbers in my head for last week, but those days are gone. I can

do edibles like four fucking nights. And it's funny. You see me. Eat the chocolates and the fucking thing. Like, you know, there's no control with Uncle Joey. When I'm on an edible, I'm going in. Right.

Very interesting what happened Saturday. My daughter had a double header. Okay. I don't like going there smelling weed. It's just not polite. It's not right. Every once in the game, there's a fucking joint in my car. I get out.

I drive a little bit, get out, and smoke it for the drive home. Sometimes I got to do it before the game ends because she usually rides home with me. Okay. I don't know where I'm going with this. Anyway. Edibles on Saturday night. Edibles on Saturday. So before I left to the softball game at 1 o'clock,

I had an entire chocolate malt bar. Jesus. I got from my man at the dojo with comedy. I ate the whole thing. It's 225 milligram. What's the worst thing that could happen? And then I took a couple bites of the fucking mushroom cap, right? I got to the game.

The mushrooms were rest. wrestling with the edible for a little while. Mm-hmm. But the fucking edible one. What happened? I wish I could cup this and sell it to go. You know what I'm saying? Like, these farts are really good today.

They're not abuser. They're not too aggressive. They're not, they're fruity. It's nutty. How much would you sell a fart for? Tad a fucking bottle of farts. could just take it home and dose somebody with it. Because I suspect the farts got to get a lot stronger in that bottle.

Yeah, that's a problem. And you got it overnight, that motherfucker's ready to blow. You take that to the office, open it up under your enemy's fucking desk, and watch the flies start falling down. Yeah, fuck stink bombs. I'm going to tell you what the biggest issue of my life right now is. Okay. I don't know if you were here to hear the conversation in the house.

We got a raccoon. I don't think so. No, we got a raccoon. No, I don't think I heard the story. Okay, about two weeks ago, I get home, my wife's like, there was this noise in the backyard. They fucking went out there, and I thought somebody was hiding behind the tree. Then I saw the eyes with a raccoon.

And then our garbage started fucking up. This fuck is big and strong. It's a mom because it comes out in the daytime, like at 7, 6, and it's still daylight out. So it's got to be a mom. She's been around for like two weeks. I put two bricks in the thing. I can't kill her.

It's not my type. I just want to let her know that. Like I put a pale old sneakers in there. Hopefully she'd smell the fungi toenail, and that would settle loose. She's going to love it. That's why she keeps coming back. Then my dishwasher broke,

so I got to wait until June something, put them to come get it. The town to get it. Yeah, the town gets it once a month or something like that. and this fucking bear opened it up like the bear the fucking raccoon keeps opening it

and open ripping it's going in there he crawls in there oh no a piece of old nicotine gum in there maybe he'll eat that fucking lose his mind

something you know just throwing ABX in there I don't want to get him fucked up like that but it's not a bad idea no he'll be asleep he'll be asleep for a while that's strong

that the fucking department of park shoots in you know what I'm saying? Yeah. I got a little arrow and I put two of those 400 milligrams that I could call them and they could put them somewhere else. But you got to take them fucking to another state. They'll come back. You can take him to Boston with 400 milligrams. Yeah, but then he's going to bother you. He knows you're my cousin and he didn't like.

So he's going to come bother you. You know what I'm saying? I don't need him bothering you. The raccoons and I have an understanding. I can just imagine. You and a lot of things have an understanding. anyway. But yeah, that was a great

couple of days. And yeah, Friday was, everyone had good shows, but I didn't have my favorite show. And then Saturday was really funny. It was just cool to see, like to be with you and Steve. Like,

it felt like, like just driving to the ice house again. It was just fun to do that. Like I said, I'm not enjoying Jersey comedy as much because I got to go walk into these places by myself. Mm-hmm. But when you're around, when I'm around Tony and Austin or Brian Simpson or Ari or Rogan,

that's when I do my best, best work. Because they kind of motivate you. Like, I'm going down there in two weeks, and I'm dreading following Shane. And I know they're going to throw me to the Bulls one night. And you got to follow Shane. I'm not going to complain. You follow whoever the fuck they throw at you. Yeah.

That's the type of place it is that you have to go up there and really push. And I'm used to that. I don't mind looking at somebody going, how am I going to follow that? What the fuck? You like it. It seems like. I should just get in a car right now. No, I'm like every other human being.

I got feelings. I got emotions. And one of them is fear. You know, I don't want to go up there and die at the comedy store or at the stand or at the cellar. that's you know because I'm not worried about the clients it's the comics in the back that they're going to go do podcast and go

Joey walked in here last night boy was it not bueno really and when you go to those places you got to already do two sets hopefully one of those sets you bomb so you go in there fresh because it's but always remember the best time is to bomb is when you bombed

earlier so that works against you too sometimes so oh fuck I was nervous about following you because it was an interesting show because you you hosted it like you basically like hosted it and like would do time in between the other comics and it was it was an awesome show but i was nervous about falling about going up after you one of the best times in my life as poor as i was broke addicted was my sunday night hostings at the store i hated the open mic because that's three minutes. That's a lot of calories.

My knees would hurt. Going up and down the stage. Yeah, I don't mind putting somebody up that's going to do two hours. That means I go fucking smoke and toke and fucking, you know, just every three minutes shit, you got to sit right there. After a lot, you don't want to go up the stairs. That's tough. But where I learned how to come up with material,

good material in front of a good audience, was by hosting. right like I told you I've worked really hard to be a good host and I love going out there first getting it out of the way getting them excited right just be 10 minutes to get them excited and you did it was so it was crazy to see you know we took them from like zero because people a lot of people hate going up first 30 years you got to go sometimes I just I don't know I wanted it to be perfect and I wanted to get the most out of my set and the most out of you guys set. You all followed me, no problems.

It's not like I thought buried the room. I was a gentleman up there as a host. I just wanted to keep the show going. And sometimes that's the most important thing. That's why a lot of people just don't understand, especially club owners. It costs you $150 to make a difference with a host. I'd rather go, listen, I don't have a feature. spot for you this weekly but i could use a strong host brother right want bring this guy out

but they're new 10 in between just make the announcements at the end of the night i'll pay you a little extra to come in here when i go i want i go to a comedy show to see fucking joe rogan and the fucking host is mumbling through his words that just sets the tone i want everybody to fucking be good you know right yeah listen it was 25 bucks i want to everybody to get that i wanted everybody to get thirty dollars worth out of that show oh yeah i think they definitely did in this day of bullshit

and fucking uh it really is crazy when you look at things and you see what you're paying for i went to the weed store the head day what am i do with my receipts send them to uncle sam bring them home and sometimes i look at them

and it's and this is not the weed stores the fault. But we're banging out. You're getting you're getting banged out with four different taxes when you buy weed around here. Do you have medical or are you recreational? I'm recreational, Tarzan.

Okay, get a medical card. For what? To be in the files? They already know about me. They got to get me money to be medical. You're in the files. I'm a high draft choice. They got to be me with a good deal. Okay. What am I going to say? I got to have

B.O. I got some disease. You said the same thing you said in L.A. I don't even know. I told I got problems. That's what you need to say. What kind of problems? I hear Chinese people at night. Sold. That's it. Trust me. They fucking dance in my living room.

Yeah, the recreational is crazy expensive. Now, did you see what my plan was? Did you see how it started latching since January? Okay, yeah. Listen, I was getting the first time my picture came up at a company

mother ship whatever the fuck, Instagram. Okay. I got 16 to 17 offers the next day. Oh, did you stand up? I could have been a gov only and said, yeah, give me all the local ones. I got 15 minutes. I'll dazzle with bullshit.

Fuck you. I'm going to fuck. And everybody got pissed off of me. Everybody was like, well, is this, are you ever going to act on this? Listen, there's a time and a place for everything. I'm in no rush now. This is a methodical type fucking move. I just want to get better.

I want to get my cooking stills going. You know, it takes time to get that flow going and going, bah, pa, pa, it takes time. Obviously, I try to do the best I can. I have a family now. Everybody's older. You know, I got Papa got to get a better. I can't be lurking the streets of New York

and one in the morning and us on the spot. Those days were over with, but, you know, I do my best. I try to write every day. I actually get up now at night and write the joke down. I put, you know, because usually the fucking notebook is two miles from you. So, you know what I did? I started putting a little pad

in my bathroom. Oh, shit. Rock the door and I fucking turn the light on. The fart fan comes on. And I write the joke in the middle of night. I got sick and tired of fucking in, you know, forgetting them.

Forgetting them or saying, I got to remember that in the morning. 30 years it took me to come up with that idea. 30 years of throwing out jokes that you fucking got to take your sleep and your mask off because you're laughing so hard. 30 years. Well, I got the machine about 20 years now, 21 years. Have you really?

Yeah, I got that 2002. 2002, 2003. was when everything blew up. Wow. Because I had the sleep at the machine when I did the longest yard. I had no idea. I had been 20 years.

I still got the machine. Next time you come down, I'm going to put it on for you. Okay. The field of pressure that was going into my lungs at first. Oh, wow. And do you not use it anymore?

No, no, because I graduated. I lost 100 pounds. Okay. I started working on my cardio and everything. So now I'm on a flex machine. I didn't know that. So I'm cooking with gas now from like maybe 9.8 to 12 something on high nights when I'm not hydrated and shit like that. So that's very interesting.

I dropped that. It's a flex. It goes with you. So if I lose weight, the machine blows less smoke, up your ass. If I gain weight, you know what I'm saying, vice versa. I'm not explaining myself right. I got a couple I got yeah

I got 1200 in me today Jesus Cause Take a chance Columbus did motherfuckers You know what I'm saying It's May Jack I love it

I'm excited for the edibles I I need to do a better job Of the sleep thing Because I was looking at Some of the pictures From the dojo And my fucking

Under my eyes Were so puffy How the fuck Did you stay up to midnight Sunday night I don't I don't know This shit's got to end

I fight it yeah This is a lifestyle. And there's a system to it. And the system is, as a headliner, as a feature, you have a perfect opportunity. You don't have children. You have no responsibilities. You have a girlfriend and she has children.

When you do a six-hour drive, I don't want you doing nothing. That's when you should have gave mom the extra card with a fucking pass to go eat. You go home. You take your clothes out of the suitcase. You throw it in the laundry. Right. I didn't do any of that. You run upstairs. You take your clothes off to take a shower.

And all of a sudden, the biggest shit's going to come to your ass because now you're home in front of your toilet. Your asshole wants to be close to your toilet. On the road, it just decides. It drops little nuggets from time to time. But you're stuffed up by the time you get home on Sunday. Trust me. Oh, yeah. When your asshole sees the toilet, you're going to dug a load the way.

I feel a lot better. That's the edibles and the mushrooms and the pizza and the whole fucking deal. Then you take a shower. You go downstairs. You put the phone on fucking fuck you. And you put the TV on with a notebook next to you. Don't make the mistake I made. And right, what you learn while you're watching TV, get a joint.

everybody knows you're taking a nap. I'll call you when I wake up. Yeah. That's the first night. Then you get up, comb your hair, eat something, and then you do what you got to do. Unless they're paying you on a Sunday night, you're not leaving an hour to go do comedy.

He just came back. They're giving you a nickel. I'll show up. Yeah. I have, I've actually, like, kind of been expecting to get sick almost. I don't know if that makes sense. We are going to get sick.

You're gaining weight. And there's a lot of weight on you. The number one, it's all in the mixture. It's not just eating cheeseburgers. That's bullshit. You start sleeping eight, seven and a half hours on that. You wake up in the morning, you feel thinner. Your body processed a bunch of shit.

That's why apples at night, you get up in the morning, do a bomb hit. That fucking thing comes out of your ass like it's dying to get out, like a prisoner with a life sentence, Jack. Yeah. And I don't remember the last time I got seven, to be honest. It took me a long time to learn these things. I'm not just telling you because somebody told me. I mean, when we were in Austin last time,

we were talking about Ari and I, how we used to get off the Rogan Road. He'd go to his hotel room at one, and we'd stay up in the hotel lobby, We talk about 4.30, go up, take showers, and we'd be ready for the car, 5.30 in the morning. And then I gained weight. You didn't sleep. That shit, your club is just running through your body.

Now your blood pressure is up. Now you've got to get on a plane, land, get your luggage. That's all stressful. You got to walk to your car and the fucking windshield wiper broke. You know, you might have a flat, or sometimes you're out of LAX in two minutes. But when you get home, that's your temple on Sunday morning. That's when you go review what just fucking happened. What did I just learn?

Why did I do well on Friday? And why did I do well on Thursday? I don't want you to rack your brain. You're just putting this out there to your system while you're watching TV, smoking a number. Maybe your mom left your potato pancake with applesauce. And right to the... That's nice.

Two hours. You get up two and a half hours later. You feel like a new fucking man. Now you're ready to tackle Monday. If not, you're dragging that spirit into fucking Monday. But real quick, we're going to take a breather and talk about something new and exciting from Draft Kings. I'll be back in 30 seconds. It's always a pleasure working with Draft Kings. One of my favorites. Now listen, if you like making little over and under bets, you're going to love the pick six. It's a new fantasy game. game from Draft Kings, an official spot partner of the NBA. Here's how to get into the action during the NBA playoffs. It's easy. Select two to six players and place bets on whether they'll have more or less of a certain stat. That's it. For instance, maybe you think someone will score less than 10 points or have more than

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Draft Kings, have a great time. He's sitting there thinking to yourself, what does Joey have on his nose? He's not usually a costume guy. I'll tell you what they are. I'll give you a hint. Boom. Boom. Look at these motherfuckers right here.

Fresh from the batch of debt. Ooh, Lordy. How big are those? Hold on. Let me go get the measuring stick. I don't fucking know. That's how big they are. You know what I'm saying? Jesus Christ. I have to do honey. I can't believe you just do it. I have to do honey.

I know. Because they taste like fucking debt. I know they do. No. They don't taste like that. Look at this fucking thing about the This looks like a scab Off an Iranian's leg

Look at this, where is it? Oh my God Bomboyagi Chicken tarriaki This is the one I'm saving for you I don't want to get out of the car Yeah He's just like a fucking

Dollar on it or a burger at the end of it That's crazy, that's huge That's a hook That's a hook I can't believe you just did that. What's that? You don't know how much

you ate, you're just eating mushrooms. I'd be up all night. Why live your life? What do you think? I'm going to sit here with a scale like Johnny fucking vicariously. This is what the problem what America is today.

These young kids have no fucking idea. They want everything measured out, how many milligrams? Listen, give me the biggest, baddest fucking edible you got. I'll eat the whole fucking bag. You know, and then if you wake up in the hospital when you're alive,

there you know, nothing happened. you lost your wallet you know who cares that's crazy is at least you got that venture you didn't just eat 10 milligrams and take your phone out and tape and think that's the best thing you've ever seen first of all why is your phone on i don't know much about nothing but i do know that if i send a couple emails and i fucking get a few calls my phone's half charged and you want to be dno de lorenthus taping a fucking segment out of a constant You should be sitting there eating mushrooms, eating animals, inhaling the whole fucking experience and feeling what's going on. You're too busy taping something that you're going to show.

You think I give a fuck if you come up to your phone, look where I sat. Who gives a fuck? You should have fell. You paid $9,000 for that ticket. You know, you had to sell your wig. You want to tell me that you sat at home and fucking did to its ass and listened to the, album. It was a lot better than sitting next to stinky feet, a bunch of people.

I don't even know what's going on. They've listened to one stone's album and they show up at these things and pay $900,000 to tell their friends how cool they are. Give me a fucking breathing. This is how cool you are. Oh, I can taste it. Fuck. Yeah, my favorite.

Jesus Christ, Joe. And you're a fucking, I would be up all night now. Who cares? No, I like it. Listen, life ain't life unless you see shit from time to time. What I think people get to mention to you? Finally, they go, you know what?

I'm sick of this shit. I'm going to start forgetting shit. Oh. I don't want to remember. No, why would you? What's that? I said, why would you? I'd love to forget.

Yeah. Some people one day when they turn 68, they don't know nothing no more. and they don't want to know nothing. That's wild. And they get pissed because they're alive. Like, what the fuck? I don't want to know nothing.

I'm still watching the same animal planet. The fucking monkey chasing the dog. You know, I need this in my life. I'm not going to make me leave. I don't know nothing. And fucking, they'll throw me somewhere. They give me roller skates until I fall on my face and it's over. Fuck my wife getting the house.

I'm going to the top-nudge fucking place. They rub your feet. They got Asian fucking nurses. Oh, that would be great to be. Well, retired is different than it sounds like you're talking about, like, a nursing home. But to be like a retirement community, that would be fun. And all these fucking idiots, they all retire to like, you know, Florida and shit to die. If I had the money, dog, I wouldn't buy a house in Florida.

No? I'd retire in one of these Tiki lounge fucking towns. Like where? What the Tiki? I don't know. People want to get that baldlet on fire. Move to the Philippines. get a summer house, face the typhoons, wear one of those smocks, eat bloompia and eat Filipino foods from the street, build your tolerance.

I had no idea. You get every night in the Philippines for the small 20. Yeah. And if you've got a disease, who cares? You go to the doctor, they shoot you with that Philippine fucking jungle juice, and you're fine within three days you're tap dancing. You know what's great? Is that where you'd go? You'd go into the

I get scared of all that shit. I don't want to die with a dick disease or scared. Why don't want to die with a dick disease? Because you got nothing going on right now. He might as well, I don't even say you. I'm saying if you had the money. I would retire for a different situation there. I'm too old.

I don't want nobody to see my nuts at this age. It's over. The curtain's closed. I don't care how much I can pay you. I'm not going to pull a Trump and give you 50 grand. to keep your mind shut because after you see my balls you're not going to tell nobody

you're going to go into the witness relocation yourself you're going to call the FBI and I've seen something I shouldn't have seen I don't want to talk about it until you put me in a different fucking country. Is that bad? How many times would they have to see it to have that happen or first time? One time when you see, listen, being uncircumcised is cool when you're 20, 18, 30.

Once you get to be 60, it's not cool no more. It looks like something to give you resuscitation in the nose. Like, you put one of the tubes in your nose, and I would, I don't even know. One of the tubes. Well, whatever. I don't even know. That's, oh my God.

My balls, my flabby ass. I worked out. I ride a bike all the time. I got flab on my legs. It's like a chick that eats cheesecake all the time. I got that little sily behind my thigh. You can't see it until you put the suntans juice on. Do you think maybe you're just losing weight and you have like loose skin?

A little bit of both. But still, I don't need that in my life. I still can't believe I've fucking passed out at your house. Passed out. You were fucking, you got a water bottle on your hand and your shoulder was dropping with the water bottle. Like the water bottle was dragging you down. Like you were fucking. And I'm like, look at this.

What the fuck is? Then when you woke up, you ate the pizza in the middle of night, that pizza, Krispy pizza does it again even fucking delivered that night and they came with extra shit They delivered it? Oh no my wife picked it out I was gonna but that was

They get the steel wheels and the fuck of Sicilian I couldn't even handle that I just had one slice I had one slice and I'm like This pizza is too fucking good The plain cheese it wasn't even extra cheese No Brilliant

And then the thing that fucked me up Is I passed out shoes on, clothes on, and I was sitting straight up, and then I don't know if was you or your wife's idea, but you left the pizza downstairs. I didn't know. The middle of the night. How many, dogs, I know you're 10 years. I know that you pass out and you get up in the middle of night, and if there's a pizza there, you're the happiest man in the world, regardless of what happened the night before.

It's like God came. It's like that thing. What's the Jewish holiday when you leave the door? door open and Jeremiah. That's like Elijah came back and left me what I really needed. He usually shows up with Mazzo or pickle. Tonight he showed him strong.

You know what I'm saying? Because when you wake up like that, whenever, at least when I pass out like that high, I wake up like, like, because I don't know that I was asleep. And I like, didn't even know where I was. And I look over and there's a box of pizza and you had some, you know, like a little. Halloween thing of candy.

And there was some Swedish fish in there. And at four in the morning, still pretty high. I didn't even, I didn't even think about going upstairs to microwave. But I just ate it cold. I love cold pizza. You know, we goof around a lot. You know, and I tell you how happy I am in my life. I wake up.

I know where I am in the morning. Let me tell you something. There's nothing like waking up, and you don't know where to fuck you are. And you got to look up at a place and you're like, what the fuck? Holy shit, how do I end up here? And there's people eating breakfast and you're meeting their grandparents now and shit. You don't even know I ended up there. It's horrible, but it's so much fun at the same time.

I don't know where the fuck you are. And then I drove to the hotel and I just walked in at like 7.30 in the morning. I made two bowls of frosted flakes And I went straight to the room And the woman at the front desk I think she thought I was stealing breakfast Because she kept looking at me It was I oh

That was a rough morning Yes it was I went through hell that morning I had to get on a bike I had to fucking drink water And I went to Jiu Jitsu and sweat out La Malaleche And we're ready for round two

Monday night Round two We had a good night Monday night Tuesday you went to Brooklyn. It was like good because I could take a breather to that. I don't have that fucking 2019 endurance like I did. And then Wednesday we fucking were pretty good. It was the first show.

I think we got, oh, I gave it to you before. I got pretty fucking high. Me too. And then Tuesday, we got pretty blasted Friday. You went to Philly. I think I ate some shrooms.

And then I was good all weekend. No, really? Nothing? Wow. You know, man, I got so. Oh, no. I'm lying. I ate the edibles and the mushroom at the softball game. That's

what happened. So it sounds like you do have your 2019 tolerance. And the one day I stayed okay because I knew I was going to see you tonight and I want the edibles to work. Oh, okay. You can take like two nights off a week. Everyone needs a weekend. Listen, if you're not

around, I won't do them during the week. I get too nervous. I know. You know what makes me nervous now. I'm taking them and driving and going somewhere. Can you fucking believe that. Like, that was our thing. Yeah. When do you get enough? Because you drove all the way to the show and seemed you were fine.

On the way, I've seen streaks, you know, between the mushrooms and the fucking, those little cap mushrooms I gave you the first night or the second. Those were weird. They were like tiny. They were like pimples that got shaved off of fucking donkeys back. They were small. They were red. When you've been into it, it tasted like pus. I didn't think about that until the next day. But anyway, who cares? I lived. No, it was great.

I saw a few streaks. You know, when we were going through the tolls, all those lights and shit. I thought we went to Las Vegas. I'm like, what the fuck? It's the toll. So that makes you nervous now?

That's crazy. It's been a while. I'm out of practice. You know, I don't have nobody's fucking, I don't have nobody's tired tubes to run over no more, like every night after the comedy story, run over that guy. fucking thing. Oh, that was my favorite. But you don't, and you don't drop off food

anyway? Like, I would think you guys, like in Jersey, you guys would be dropping off food everywhere all the time. Or did everyone just have so much food? Number one, everybody has too much food. I gotta be honest at you. I've done it a few times and it's like, people aren't that appreciative. So I'm like, fine. I'll save the 20 bucks and bring you fucking something that I left at your door. I know you ate it. Right. And you thanked me two weeks later on a whim. You know, so I said, fuck it. Oh, yeah.

You wouldn't drop off, like, Cuban fried rice at my house. Everybody. You know, Steve Simone, that was our world. We dropped off food on each other. I tried to, like I said, I tried to hear a few times. It didn't go over too well. That's too bad. No, hey, you know us, dog.

We try to do better than the fucking next guy, you know. More food for you. George brought those lobster tails this week again. There's pollies and fucking Steve. brought stuff from Philadelphia those lobster tails we didn't even finish him and I'll tell you the beauty of it I waited

four or five days and I put them in the garbage to see if the raccoon got that if he ate one of those old fucking creams he's got diarrhea that motherfucker he's a raccoon of course he does he's fine dude those are good they're called respoli's that place is good the the cream was four days old

right I guess you're right it wasn't in the kitten refrigerator she thought I was going to eat and I kept thinking she was going to eat and I looked at him and I go nobody ate it because I thought you were saving it for what I had a half of one I'm fucking good man I used to eat five of those oh yeah four years ago when I come back he would bring a box and I'd eat the whole fucking box how can you not that explodes in your face respoli's has been there since Jesus left Chicago North Jersey. Check them out. Oh, yeah, it's fucking awesome. And the whole, where else did we go to eat? The hot dog. Oh, yeah.

Those were, that was the most Joey Diaz thing I've ever seen because we were just driving to get hot dogs driving, and then it's like in a dirt driveway next to a field, there's like a random hut. And you just found these people one day.

It's called Nicky's dogs. It's so good. I went up there to do Jiu-Jitsu, and there was traffic going to one way. So I said, let me see what happens if I go this way. I'll figure it out. I put the GPS on. It was all confused and shit because I was going the other direction.

And I saw this truck, man. It had to be, yeah, close to three years ago. And I went in there one day, and they had, you know, I just got a hot dog with Sourcrown. If you fucked that up, we can't do business. That's American as can be. It was delicious. And I got a dog and I was blown away.

And I must have gotten four more dogs that day. Because they're ready immediately. It was during COVID. I found them like maybe October of 2019. And they had to shut down for a few days. It was kind of weird. So I didn't see him for a while. And then when I started going to Jiu-Jitsu up there more,

I started going over there in the afternoons, and she had soup in the winter. Oh shit. And soup, like soup would fucking escarola in it and sausage and potato. I mean, it was just delicious for a summer day. So there's nothing better than a fucking bowl soup on the one day, yeah. Soup, you know. So I kept going up there.

And then I didn't see her for a while, and I found out she had knee surgery. So I went up there one day And there she was man It was like Fucking dream Listen I don't eat a lot of sweets I don't do a lot of shit But my cheat

Like I Out of all the things I thought Carvel was going to be my cheat Not even close Wow If I do my two workouts a week And my two jitzus That's my treat

A hot dog Eat out without no guilt Not a hot dog Two, one with soutout, one with chili, potato sticks, and raw onions. I see, I had never had, A, I don't think I never had a chili dog. And then B, I've never been to a hot dog place with the potato sticks. That was outrageous. I'll take you to Hanks, Franks up, north.

There's a place in Newark where they have little potato, boiled potatoes, cooked potatoes. If you throw that with the chili with a little bit of onions, forget about it. You just say, give me 12 of them. And here's my credit card. but let me know when it's overcharged. But they were like, because I could probably eat on a normal day. I would say at least four.

Me too. And that's like not eat not, but I could, I was like, I had to force myself to have that third one. And even then, but like they were, like they were really,

really, I never had. I mean, I told people all the time. The chili up there is smoking. My daughter came to me when they, she's like, can we go up there?

I took it and it was like cloudy they weren't out and I go I didn't know you like their hot dogs and she goes man the baker one dad and I go really but bro because she never asked me for that shit I just took her up there one day and then I took you to one of the oldest Carvels that has a drive-thru right on the 516 about a mile away had it back to the house which is no big deal

I got to drive by that three times a week I don't know how it's the best corner in food and maybe the nation. And then crispy across the street, the fucking... That should be illegal. You could literally probably throw a pizza

from Krispy to Carvel. It's just across the street. You can break a window on either side. Let's do that. And it's... I figure out where Hamas would stand and where the Jews would be. I don't know if they'd be in front of Krispy cream

or crispy pizza or fucking the Carvel. I think they'd both be upset about that at the crispy pizza. They'd have to take out all the pork. And if I take you three quarters of a mile down, there's a restaurant called Pontobecios. I don't think I've been there. Everything in time. You keep hiding shit.

It took four years. I take you there. You don't think I'm going to shoot you. Really? It's tremendous food, but it's got that weird Italian vibe to it that anybody could just shoot you ahead of any fucking time. I had no idea.

If I couldn't get for the location for the Godfather, I would have used the inside of that. I like the inside of that place. Plus, the food is out of this fucking world. Out of this world. That's a fat man's worst fucking dream. 516, I compare that to Houston, Texas. If you're fat or chubby and you like food, do not,

because we still haven't talked about bagel boy. We still haven't talked about Kentucky Fried Chickens down the corner, which I've never even been in that parking lot. If you're a chubby dude, can you imagine getting a bucket of Kentucky fried chicken and two milkshakes, one to drink in the car and went to get home? You do like three or four bonhits, and you watch like a sporting event or whatever the fuck you're into.

I can see somebody going down that fucking hole. Oh, yeah. It ain't going to be me. First off, I don't mix a match. Very seldom do I eat pizza and go to Krispy. If my daughter, I'll take Hutter Krispy, and then I'll have an egg, I'll have an ice cream soda. I didn't have a shake.

Everybody kept saying it was a shake. It was no shake. It was an ice cream soda, you dumb fuck. One of those calories. That's like 1,600 calories. Yeah, that's what Steve and I had. We had black and whites. They got that coconut milk in there and shit, the coconut fat.

That'll clog every pore. That's how I got the fungi toenail. It clogged the pour from blood going into my toenail. From milkshakes? Listen, if you believe that one, I'll sell you a fucking whatever else you want to say. We just knock it awfully. Do you like milkshakes? Don't pretend like you never had milkshakes.

I love milkshakes on my bread and butter, dog. That's what I'm saying. He said, that's what I asked. I love milkshakes. Listen to me. I was, I'm Cuban. One of the first flavors I ever had was a banana milk shake with a little briars ice cream, old school, with a little bit of milk and a little bit of sugar.

It's got to be the perfect banana. I don't like that brown shit. Don't give me this shit you're going to use for banana bread. I see one stain. I don't want it. It just turned yellow that day. I wanted a hard. They had a fucking blender, crack it open.

Let me put the sugar in it to taste. That was my first experience. And then fucking Carvel. And then the diners in New Jersey. Diners in New Jersey, if you went in there and got a shake, your head would blow up. Would they bring the second glass? They bring you the thing and the second glass,

and it was perfect. Those old women knew an amazing. A fucking shake ice cream soda. Go in there now. Nobody speaks the language. Wherever the fuck they came from, they didn't have ice cream. You could tell it. Yeah.

It's crazy when you go to a diner now in Jersey. There was a time I go to a diner and get a corn muffin with a vanilla shake or a black and white, thin shake. And you go home and sleep like a fucking baby. Everybody has a hard time sleeping because they don't do two bonnets and have a milkshake. You want to sleep a fucking baby. I'm going to tell you what the recipe is.

If you're sick and tired of fucking not sleeping, drink a nice milkshake. Switch it up. Briars ice cream. In your house, you don't have to go out and get it. The vanilla bean, a little bit of milk, a little bit of cane sugar, the good shit. Get the fucking light briars and add your own sugar.

Bo, boom. That vanilla shake, late night with two bongets, a 25, 30, 50 milligram edible, listen, then I'm going to wake you up. No. I can throw 10 cribs on the floor. They won't wake you up.

The only way, the only problem is if you take the edible too early and get high and then, because sometimes if I take it too early, it'll just keep me up. The milkshake is right there to save you. And right when it starts to go sour, you lay right down. Next thing you know, you're awake. And it's 7.30 in the morning, you're like, ooh. Thank goodness.

You get up, you drink a cold glass of fucking water with a ton of ice cubes. And watch your day, boogey, Jack. You slept good. Your body's refreshed, but I'm telling you, when I was a kid, I drink a milkshake from Carvel, a chocolate with a vanilla floating it. Wait. Come on, dog. What do you think you're dealing with, Joy Vananas?

Did you just say you had a chocolate milkshake with a vanilla scoop on top of it? A chocolate milkshake with a vanilla right from the thing just on top. And you dipped the vanilla ice cream into the chocolate, mix it around and eat it. Lee, when you're a fat fuck, you're a fat fuck. It's in your pedigree. I don't even know you're allowed to put a scoop ice cream. I was not a fat fuck. You don't see these kids with a pre-necks now.

They're 11 years old. Yeah. The reason why I wasn't one of those kids is because I ran in the street. street so much. I walked hills. I played with the ball. My mother's thing. It was a different childhood back that. But every night, four nights a week, we walked up

38th Street Hill, to Carvel on 39th and Bergen line. And we'd all get something. And let's be honest, I could lie to you. I used to get like a chocolate shake with a fucking vanilla float. And while I'm waiting, I had an appetizer. Of course.

You might as well get a vanilla cone with colored sprinkles and whipped cream. You know, I can Top it like that. Mr. Softie comes up. I got a double comb, vanilla chocolate whipped cream and sprinkles. That's my go-to. And if there's a long

line, perfect. That's my appetizer. Kids are asking stupid questions. It's a strawberry. Go ahead. Ask more questions. Now it takes me decide what kind of shake I need, how I'm going to make it from all the questions these dono's asked. That's the small details of the fat man.

That's a, that's a new level. I never even knew you could put a scoop of ice cream on top of a milkshake. Yeah, they're floated, like a little, and you don't want eight ounces. You just want to. So the shake, it dilutes into the shake. You keep staring it and licking the spoon, staring it and licking the spoon. Come on, dog. And if you really want to be a fat fuck, just doing old school Joey Dears. Four hundred and eighteen pound Joey Dears, double cone from Carvel, chocolate shake, very thin, pull over and dip the chocolate cone, dip

the cone into the milkshake and make sure it doesn't fall off and eat the thing. That's when you're a professional fat fart. Any questions? I'm just impressed. No, if you want to rock, I'll rock with you. I'll give you recipes that'll blow your heart

up in 18 fucking months. New York super fudge chunk with a fucking Coca-Cola. And at the end, when you drink all the Coke and the ice cream, there's little floaties on the bottom I yeah you know I bow down

there's no way I can even compare not because you settle for the low end of the vine Oreos Hershey Snickers Who doesn't like Oreos and Snickers But I didn't I'm like there's more potent stuff Okay I'm saying you want to eat little bombs

From fucking Nigeria Or you want to eat the bombs Israel's dropping You want to get the most you bang, right? I do. I want those Israeli bummed. Yeah. What do you want to do?

You want to run with fucking little firecrackers? No, what are you going to throw an M80? Whoopee. And sweets, you don't really, do you just not eat sweets? Because, like, you really can't? Like, I just have to make choices.

Do I want a hot dog or do I want sweets? That day, I had a hot dog, and then I went over with you. But it was Thursday. Mm-hmm. And I took the day or I think I lifted and rode the bike. And then I met you. I didn't go to jihitsu that day, but I went the next day on Friday.

Right. But it just seems like I caught me because while they were in class, I was doing that Instagram and they're like, come up to class, you fat fuck. That's, it seems like it's ice cream for you. That seems like it's your thing. Listen, 20 years ago, I'd be 35 pounds heavier from Carbell right now. I can't believe in myself. And remember, there's one, two miles from my house.

The one we went to, a different one? No, there's a different one. It's college girls. They got the club soda and the refrigerator. I mean, I don't want to do that. They don't know how to make an ice cream. So that's why I took you to that carvel in the daytime because the owner works there. Yeah, she was great.

She's been there since the place opened. So if she can't, if she don't, know it, nobody knows it. If she don't know it, if she don't know it, if she don't know it, Carvel never fucking made it. The worst thing is going into a place that you grew up on or something that was close to your house, like even a chain. And then you move somewhere completely different and you see that chain

and you enter that chain. And after talking from five minutes, you could tell the people did not know anything before they bought into that chain. It was just an investment for them. And it makes you sick to your stomach. Because you ate this somewhere else, and the people were like, you know, they knew their shit. It's like when I went to Carvel in Beverly Hills, the one on Wilshire Boulevard, wherever it is. Yeah.

I was there the second day after it opened. Four-fifths were gone and they didn't even know what they were doing. It was from some bum-fuck state where there was no Carvel, but they moved out there. They bought the rights to it. God bless. you know and but they the dairy queen in Sherman Oaks with the I went up there one day it was a dairy queen slash orange Julius which I don't mind but I'm not even going to say what nationality were in these people's country there was no fucking smoothie company and there was no fucking

dairy queen why these people and they didn't know a thing like I wanted to throw off, they go, make me a cherry slushy with vanilla float. And right away, bupada, but patah, but by that. It was like that guy the donut plays with it. They kept asking for chocolate. I don't know why you would test those people. Because, yeah, they don't, it was like, it was like Dunkin' Donuts. Do you remember when Dunkin' Donuts came to California?

No. That was, oh, wow. Yeah, it was when I was there. It was probably like 2011, 2012, and it was huge. There were lines down. the street yeah i didn't know you know what i didn't even miss duncan donuts i lived in lice is 97 and when i went to new mexico to shoot the longest yard that was the it was like you know there's a dunkin don't it everywhere like the fucking new yorkers were there every afternoon

and i went in there too and it was okay you know the coffee's always going to be the coffee but it again it was an investment it wasn't somebody who loved it well beat this shit or their father left him this and they took it over there's some meaning to it you know it used to be a carvel in west new york next to salz pizza place when you went in there those the whole family was fat everybody tipped the scale at 400 pounds before anybody was 400 pounds why they lived and slept and fucking drank and ate ice cream they knew every ounce of it the whipped cream was good you know some people take pride in what they do it's not just the fucking investment how do we get to shit. I don't know.

What are you talking about all those delicious food we had in Jersey? Yeah, no, we got to let people know where the fuck we go. I'm not, you know, but the most important thing we did last week that we both learned was I did this podcast with you and last January I made a decision to do something. And in those 20 weeks, there was probably three weeks that didn't hit my goal for comedy. know, writing and what you saw the growth, you know, from nothing. I didn't

come back out there with all material. It wasn't like, I couldn't do that. That's what people did not understand. I lost something in the transition. And when you, you know, it's like I tell people, yeah, I got a fucked up knee, right? So that means I shouldn't do shit. I shouldn't

go to Jiu-Jitsu. I should just sit on my couch and pray for it to get better on its own. Okay? And I started going to Jiu-Jitsu and somewhere along the line. I'm like, you know what? I got to quit this shit because my knee isn't what it used to be. And I go, ah, ha, ha, ha. John Jack Machado is missing a few fingers from something that happened at birth.

He was born like that. And he's one of the greatest black belts of all time. You see what your limitations are. You bang out your strengths and you try to do something with your weaknesses so they don't see it. With me, my weakness was the confidence was down. I didn't even know where to fucking regroup again. I was just throwing out ideas. I'm very self-aware that I look like grandpa from the monsters.

I can't be up there talking about topics to be cool. I got to talk about what really affects me, my fungi toenail. You know, shit, anything. I mean, anything better than what I was talking about. Gay Bob, whatever the fuck I was talking about. So I really want to, I got a couple of years left doing this. I want to get really good again. Do I want to do a tour stadium or be on a roast?

none at all. None at all. That's what I wanted to do, but I wanted to show you that this is the plan. There's always a plan. And when you first start comedy, you're always in a rush to go nowhere. Yep. Because I was. It took me three years to understand I was in a rush to go nowhere.

And if I was going to do it, I was going to do this right. So, you know, in 94, I planted and I stuck to that word. I didn't rob these comedy clubs. you know, I was a wild man. If I saw a big envelope of money up to 2000, I don't know. I don't know.

You know, but I never did. I never showed that weakness of mine. I just kept trying to be funny, and people saw that. And at the end of the daily, that's all that matters. It's having a good time, knowing it's not the end of the world,

knowing that if you do comedy for a while, there's always going to be that one person that believes in you. Right. Or three or four, and that's when my point came from. You could take over a country with three or four fucking people. They don't even see you coming. They're looking at the other place,

and they don't see you over there, but they don't see you coming. Well, and that's what I was going to, because, you know, what did it feel like to have the response you did from, like, the audience? because they they were so happy that you were back listen between us i was just for me that night it wasn't about killing as you saw it was about working out brother and having a good time again and forgetting how many tickets were sold and you got to add a third show you know right this is it

i just want to keep it funny i just want to keep it funny i want to focus on the funny blah blah and that's it. Talk about whatever. I don't have to go up there and tell people how I'm not. That shit. That ship's at. Enough with the chit-chat. How you're woke? At the end of the week, what does it matter?

Go up there, do your material. If they boo you, you leave. If they boo you, you hit them harder. If they boo you, at least you got a response from them. Right. And if you get booed and you stare at me, like, I just robbed your mother's house. So I look at this game differently. because I've been in it for a longer time. I already done the movies and all that shit.

I go back there right now. I really got offers. In fact, when I finish year, I got to call somebody. It's really crazy how I look at it now, and I wanted to pass that on to you guys. Not that desperation from L.A. Right. That's not good for a comic.

It's not healthy for a comic. It's a mind fuck for a comic. And how did it feel to do shows with, like, hopefully almost none of that. It's been feeling great. When I go to the mothership or when I go to Uncle Vinny's, there's no promises

don't know fucking demands. Half these players, I only want money. I told me, I just go in there for a laborer love, like Rudy Seizzo, teamed up with Quiet Ride again. He's on the road. It's 70-something, doing the best shows he's ever done.

He's not making a fraction of what he used. to make and he looks great all the reviews are fucking phenomenal people love him that's the labor of love he already did everything right this is when you go back to your roots and uh you know i'm having fun doing it i got nothing to prove you know it's like stealing are you still learning stuff every fucking day especially when it comes to stand up night I'm learning the approach now. It's a different world. Everybody's got a podcast.

Right. Now you've got to get on a roast. You know, you've got to do different things now. Oh, okay. It's really interesting, how comedy's changing right in front of us. But again, you have nothing to worry about, and near do I, because we're just trying to be the funniest that we can't. And when you keep it that simple and keep the politics out of it,

and know where you're at, this is like stealing. Right. I'm just having so much fun. I don't even know, you know, I mean, the last week was one of the best weeks I've had in comedy.

Listen, man, you do a six-month tour of just spots. No responsibility. The only thing you've got to be on time and to be the best that you can be. And you do that for six months, whether it's paid, not paid, this is just something that you do

and see where you're at after six months when you don't worry about the world. Like I told you, in Seattle, I didn't have a TV. There was no reason for a fucking TV. I lost contact with a TV from 1995. I love television. How much do I love movies and shit? But I know to be good at what I wanted,

there was no time for smoking dope and watching me. movies. I had already done that for fucking 30 years of my life. And it worked. And that focus, that dedication, that listen, man, I just worked hard. That's it. I'm no

magician. I'm none of that shit. Where you at this week? Coplicca? This week, I got two of them. I'm in Somerville tonight, the night this comes out for a cool show. And then I'm doing at the Union Tavern and then

the 16th to the 18th, I'm at Cap City opening up for Josh Wolf in Austin, Texas. For Wednesday, you got a gig? Tuesday. I'm at the Union Tavern in Somerville and then Thursday through Saturday. I'm in Austin,

so I haven't been to Austin in a couple years. I did the, that was actually the first real set I did, I think, was at Cap City. Danny Brown was there and I did, you let me do three minutes on the show, and like I just stood up against the wall and like right behind the stage.

And my legs just shook for like six minutes because it was like the first real crowd that I ever did a show in front of. So I'm so excited to go back to Austin. That was the time you wanted to go to a Chinese buffet. Listen. It had good reviews. Oh. This way. I don't think they have Chinese people in Austin.

The home of barbecue, the home of fucking that restaurant. We used to go to Chewis is there. Papacinos. I mean, there's just so many. good restaurants. And this is way before the Rogan landing. This is 2017. This motherfucker,

I hit him up and I'm like, what are you doing? I'm walking. That Uber didn't show up and something like, what the fuck are you going? It was before Uber. I ended up getting a taxi into the barbecue place, but it was, yeah, it was before Uber and they had a good, I love a Chinese right place.

Did you eat it? No, you didn't let me. Well, not like, yeah. You have to go to barbecue. We'd already been to barbecue, but I did. I ended up going to place. Who goes to Austin to eat Chinese food? Nobody. Mind your business.

Go with the essentials. One in room. You're not going to go to any fucking, you know. Well, I want to be a vegan. No, go fuck yourself. Do that when you're in Boston with your friends out at the cafe, trying to be cool. You're in Austin, Texas, bitch.

Loans it vegan there? No, even I let loose. I get the barbecue. I get the brisket, but I also get a nice piece of turkey. to keep it clean. It's smoked. It's delicious. It's high and protein. You know, I'm an old fucking man. But, you know, I'm eating.

I'm eating those big beans. I'm eating Gus's fried chicken. Wow. I'm not being a good boy. Don't ever think I'm being a good boy. When you got those type of places, you're smoking with one and eat with the other. And I got the tacos stand right across

from the mothership. The bean cheese tacos, oh, yeah. but that's a problem. Like that's why I'm going to bring food on the road this weekend. Because I'm on, I've been on the road so much. I've been trying all these.

Like I had a roast pork sandwich in Philly last weekend, which was amazing from like the Knicks or something. So what are you going to cook and fucking? I'm not going to, I found a, you know, like those factor meals that sponsored us. I found something like that.

And I got a cooler with some, ice packs. I'm going to, I'm going to try to, you know. Listen, light that cooler on fire. Save the luggage, save the whole thing. Leave those with mom to play solitaire. You go in Austin, Texas. Eat at the hotel for breakfast. Do your work and the night. Fucking go get barbecue one night. The next night, go get barbecue. And the third night, go get barbecue from three different spots. And then do a blog on it. You think you do it. Leeds barbecue in three different nights. That's what you're going to eat anyway. What do you need?

You're going to eat fucking chicken and broccoli sticks? Fuck you. You see anybody eating chicken and broccoli sticks? You stab? You understand me? No, they don't have broccoli at barbecue. Thank God. Well, I got to take two steps to the re and get out of here. These animals are starting to kick in, you know what I'm saying?

It was great to talk to you and see you. It was great to talk to you. It was great to see you last week. I'm probably foaming from the mouth. That's my nicotine gum. Yeah, it's always good to see you. It was an adventure. I'm going to be out a couple nights this week. I'll tweet it out, let you motherfuckers know.

And that's it and that's that. Have a great week. And now for a word from our sponsors, Jack. He-he-he.