The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - Shut up, get high, and mind your business!

Episode Date: February 6, 2024

Doing cocaine with your doctor, dosing Lee with edibles and mushrooms, Shane Gillis' redemption, what Joey Diaz wishes he had a chance to do in comedy...and much more! Have a laugh with us! Try Blue Chew for free at https://www.bluechew.com, promo code JOEY Support the show & bet $5 on the big game to get 200 instantly in bonus bets. Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app & press in code JOEY Support the show & get 10% off your entire Freeze Pipe order at https://www.thefreezepipe.com with code DIAZ  The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz

It's fucking cold out there. Is it really? It wasn't, it was nicer in Jersey than it is up here. It sucks up here. Yeah, it was fucking, uh, it's been cold today, Jack. But I fell asleep outside today for a little while. Oh, yeah? On your porch?

Yeah. This is the second time in like four days. Yeah, dad was out there waiting for the weed guy to come. He told me beer at 3.30. I went out there about a quarter of three because it was beautiful. I fucking fell out. You're right. Not really.

I did a bargain and came out here and got some sun and it's all over. What's happened, you beautiful savages? It's Tuesday. February the 6th. The check-in is brought to you by Blue Chew. Listen, guys, it doesn't matter how old you are. Good sex is good sex. Blue Chew is here to make it awesome every time.

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Order today and get free shipping and say goodbye to killing your lungs forever. Without further ado, let's get this party started, Jack. So I see it's him put you on this planet just to give up. If Uncle Joey could do it, I could fucking rule the world. I feel you got to be thinking. Welcome back to show! What up, Moop? Beautiful.

Tuesday, February the 6th here, look at us. Looking good. I got some sun this weekend. I know. You were saying... The fucking balcony. Tremendous. That's like a real good...

Were you in, like, a chair or like a... You don't have a hammock, do you? You're not a hammock. No, I got a hammock, but I got stuck in there two years ago, so I don't go. What do you mean you got stuck in the hammock? Oh, I thought. I was being fucking cute. I went out there one day. It was a beautiful day. My wife said, we got a hammock now. So I went out there, I got on the hammock.

The problem was I couldn't get out of there. I mean, I was fucking stuck. I got into the middle of the hammock. I couldn't get out. I had to yell for her. She had to come out with mercy and they had to save me. It was fucking tremendous. So I don't get a hammock no more. I got two rocking chairs in the front of the house. Yeah. And I'll just sit out there and me and my wife will talk, we'll drink fucking iced tea out there, talk shit for hours. It's fucking great to have.

It really is. Everybody on my block says, we all wanted that house because it got so much sun in the front, you know? Oh, yeah. It's great to have a little place to hang out or just do something.

I don't like doing a lot outdoors, but just be outdoors, smoke a joint, or even just like you said, to just relax. It's nice. I'll tell you, you go in my backyard. It's fucking Antarctica back there.

It's fucking. freezing. It is freezing in my backyard. In comparison to the front of the house that's always getting beat up by sun, there ain't a fucking, there ain't a strand of sunlight. It covers the grass

and stuff, but under the balcony, under the kitchen, there's no sun under there. You step out there, you fucking freeze to death, you know? Yeah, you were wearing a winter coat when I came over on Saturday night. Oh, yeah. Saturday. Bro, once the sun goes down, it's all

but the shout. It's a different fucking, and it was cool this weekend. It was warm. You had a nice warm weekend. It's getting cold now at night, like it's dropping. And you know what bothers me the most about all this chit chat? But I grew up in this fucking weather. I walked miles in this weather. I drank beers in this weather. You know, I remember falling asleep on a Kualud one night in the coldest night in January and still having fingers the next day with no gloves on, you know. And it's I go out now for two minutes and I'm fucking, it baffles me that I lived in Aspen, I skied, I fell on wet snow,

I fell on, you know, and I go outside. I can't even go into a cold pool. No. It just bothers the shit out of me. Because you're not used to, like, the cold anymore? After, like, 30 years in L.A., whatever was? I don't know. What the fuck happened, man?

My bones just got warmed up. I go to a crowd therapy place. I do the red light sauna. I have not yet to fucking go in that freezer. You need it all the time in L.A. didn't you? Yeah, because it's 80 degrees out. So it's like fucking heaven in those things. But when it's only warm six months of the year and it's fucking, you know, it's just,

it's different. We change. I don't know. I wasn't in, in the jersey for that long, but even in the city, I would, like,

because I had a sweatshirt and a jacket on. I was sweating on the trail. Like, it was, it was like doing all like I did like I think I did like 20,000 steps I bet you did one day it was just fucking it was fucking awesome but I was surprised to be sweating and I guess it was February but it was uh every time I go I just I love New York more it was it was a fucking do man New York is cool I got to go into the city tomorrow oh yeah yeah I'm excited I'm excited I'm going

to do a podcast talk to some boys I'm going to start going in maybe Wednesday day night. My friends doing a show in the city, you know. But a lot of interesting things happened, man. I didn't know, listen, I don't know what's going on. I know that fucking America's bombing the Hoochies or something like that now. But I also read this morning that, and I think this is great, that Shane Gillis is hosting Saturday Night Live. Yeah. You know, it's funny that when they fire him before the pandemic, right in the beginning of the pandemic, I think it was like 19. 2019 is what I saw.

Yeah. And it was over a podcast he did where he said some racial stuff about some Asian people, you know. And they got rid of them and look what he did. He didn't fucking die. He rose to the top, you know. And whatever canceling means or whatever any of that stuff is, when the cream rises, you're not going to stop it with a cancellation. unless you hit an old lady in the head and raped her.

Yeah, I mean, that's hard to get a gag. You hit her in the head with a hammer and you're raper. But, I mean, you know, some of these cancellations have been fucking weird. But his cancellation was early on, it was for something he had said on a podcast, which, Listen, if you look up those church podcasts, I said a lot of bad stuff on those podcasts, okay? And some of the stuff I'm not proud of. And if you look at it, you go,

what made me say it? Okay, I'm in the moment. I'm flowing. And you happen to something slips out or something like that. Anybody who knows me knows what my intentions were. And when you're doing a podcast in 2019, and maybe the podcast was a year old or something, I don't know. You know, things change very quickly.

And people who weren't on board got thrown off board for no reason. But these people didn't give up. You know, there's, I can name 10 comics that, including myself, that they tried to jade them off. But you're not doing nothing to me because hard work is more than your fucking stupid critique of something I said years ago. Right. When somebody has to pick a scab from years ago, it's not good. It's not good. I don't know if you saw this.

Someone made a video. I think Lewis Gomez retweeted it. It was like everyone who talked, not everyone, but a lot of the big people who talk shit about Shane, like with like the headlines and like now like they got fired or they don't work there anymore or like their show failed. And now Shane is, and I don't know if you saw this. Within the last two weeks, Bud Light signed him too. So, like, in the last week or two, it's been like two of the biggest things in the whole world want to work with him.

And that clip didn't go away. Listen, man, redemption is a, it's a great feeling when you did something and there was a mistake. And some people lost their fucking panties over it for no reason whatsoever. It had nothing to do with them or whatever. And then you come back and go, listen, I'm back, bitches. And I got my thumb on you because I know all the motherfuckers that talk shit. So now you got to bring me water and coffee and my toes. And then you got the other Chinese kid outside of that live that, you know,

he distances himself away from everybody. You know, last week it was Haley. The week before it was fucking. somebody else is on the show and he didn't want to be close to him. You know, who the fuck do people think they are anymore? Well, and I mean,

when you compare, like, podcasting to stand up, like when you're on stage, all, like, all your brain is thinking about is, like,

say something funny. So, like, it, like, when you first started stand, uh, the podcast,

I mean, was it, like similar? Like, it's not like you're thinking of, like, oh, is this 100% accurate or,

oh, is this what I believe in? When you were starting on the podcast, which is this funny? Like, that's what I imagine happened. My first three months of podcasting was like everybody else.

You know, you don't even know what you're doing. You had no idea what you're doing. You got somebody who you thought would be a good guest and you did the best you could. Sometimes you got conversations. I enjoyed podcasting

from 2010 to 210 to 2019 when we got out of that office. Well, the last six months in the office were rough. But it was really an enjoyment because you could get to talk and tell your truths and talk about your life and whatever. And then, you know, it was great. I mean, for both sides, because we were just learning. Everybody was just fucking learning.

and then five years later the podcast police comes out you know and they're fucking talking shit and it was listen man the podcast police are people who just want to be rogan and they can't figure it out it's very sad when it's become I can't imagine what's coming down his way now with the second deal from Spotify

you know but God bless him God bless him He opened up a new range. You know, this was a great thing podcasting. Now everybody's doing it. It's taking the thrill away, the dangerousness, you know. Right.

I enjoyed podcasting because it was very dangerous. Like you could just, you know, one minute we were talking, next minute we were doing a hit of acid. You know, we're talking to a hooker and her pimp from fucking Nevada. I mean, it was just so surreal. But then, like, again, it's like everything else. The podcast police came out and, oh, you know, your set is dirty. This and it's like they never understood what this was really about.

It's just two fucking three, four people talking for an hour as a form of entertainment. Some people are better than others. You know, it's so funny. I did that podcast, I don't know, 90 days with Felicia. Okay. And we were kind of scratching the surface. We were doing this. We were doing that.

Until this day, I still remember when it happened. When I just said, did I ever tell you about the hooker I mugged? And I still remember she had the microphone blocks. Right. You can't spit on the mic. And at one point, after telling the story, I looked from behind the mic. and she was fucking blown the fuck away. Like her face was like

and that was the day I knew that I did a Cat Williams when Cat Williams talked about Michael Jackson and he got the room crazy. Right. That's the same thing I did that day and I liked it. I told the story that I knew would either kill me or fucking save me. And it saved me.

And I think, like, getting back to, like, Shane and stuff, isn't that, like, kind of the goal? Like, even if, like, you are going to offend some people, it's only going to, like, when you get canceled, it only shows more people who think you, the way you do who you are. So, like, that essence, I don't know, Shane, I've never said one word to him in my entire life, but I would imagine that Est and nothing helped him. It did. He put out a special on YouTube. he was the first guy to hit like a million in like a fucking day and he took chances

because he had nothing to lose and the press didn't really ride him for being a racist or anything you know he was doing the Trump impression and I think that all fucking got reeled up into one but Shane's a great comic he's

right now he's really happening as a young guy I mean, I really like what he's doing. He's a fun guy. He loves to fucking drink and party. You know, he's down there with Rogan, having a great time in Austin during the week. And that's a spot a lot of young comics want to be at.

You know, I mean, I know you're looking at that going, wow, I wish I could do this in 10, 15, 12, you know. And you never know. Lee, it's all up to you. Right. Comic, you're your biggest fucking. enemy. You know, it's like shadow box.

When you watch Creed and he tells the kid the shadow box, he goes, this is going to be your toughest opponent. That guy controls it all, you know? And it's really, it's the truth. You know, I was telling you on the phone that Saturday,

when you came here after the dojo with comedy and we got fucked up. Oh, yeah. I got some more these guvies here. All right. Can you at least tell me how much those really are now? First all, I found out

to my because I went on their website, their Delta 9. Okay. And it's 25 servings. You know, with Delta 9, I can't really tell. It said

CBD per serving less than 10, THC per serving 25 milligrams. Okay. Well, And how much was the ABX that I had? Who knows? They're in a box.

Exactly. Yeah, a bunch of those mixed 50s, hundreds, 25s. Yeah. Every time you stick your hand in there, you get a different fucking surprise. That's not what you said up until right now. No, I told you it's a 50 because the angrier ones. This was the last. No, I think I have two more 50s left.

Oh, of course you do. Because you said you were going to eat. Another 50. But then you ate the mushroom caps. Yeah. All those mushrooms are fire. Yes, they are. Holy shit, yes, they are.

I fucking, I had like a real long talk with my, I was, I fell asleep in the bathroom a couple of times. I just, I like leaned over. I would wake up. The Delta 9, the ABX and the mushroom caps. You didn't know whether you were coming or going. It was like me when I did Rogan between the, the chewing tobacco. the whiskey, the reefer, and the fucking smelling sauce. I'm on a different fucking level.

I'm on a different time zone. You know what I'm saying? You don't even know it then, but when you leave there and wake up the next morning, you're like, yeah, I was fucked up last night. I'm still fucked up now. That's because you're not in training. You don't train. No one can train for that.

Yes, you can. No, you can. Right now the Russians fucking sat me down and said, bring me to your leader. Who will give you a T.C. I got them. for two days. But yeah, even if you wanted to give them,

you'd probably take the free edibles. But no one's ever, Russia's never going to do that. Why would they just not kill you? Why are they going to give you edibles for? What about the Houthis? What about these band, the Hootis over there?

Listen, I don't think the Houthis, if you gave a hootie an edible, they freak out. They've never had an edible before. What if China invades Taiwan and you got to go over there and you, you give you a $10 bag of heroin.

You're not going to do it. People shooting missiles and shit. Yeah. So you'll be in bed. That's why you're always in training. You always pop and sick. Like today, I opened up with four ABXs. And I just walked up with them or not.

I was like, I ain't got time for this. I got to get ready for my brother Lee. I just stuck my hand in there, four of them came out. Boom. They could be 400 milligrams. They could be 800 milligrams. But wouldn't you like to know? Not really.

What do you want to know? Everybody wants to know what? What is it? How's it going to change? Everybody wants to change a lot. It could be anywhere from 200 to 800. That's a big change. At four in the mornings with the lights on and you're staring and you're staring and you've got a bag of popcorn all over the floor and chocolate buns.

Yeah. If I tell you, all right, Lee, it was only 200 milligrams. It's going to make you feel any better. It's not going to make me feel better, but it'll explain some stuff. I scared people on the train. Two different people. moved away from me. Two different people are like,

nah, I can't sit next to that for four hours. Why? What were you doing? Well, I got the, and I was on the nicer train, like the Acela for the first time, which was great. I don't remember much. But I get that, I have a week's worth of clothes. So I was putting the suitcase up,

and this tall guy had to help me. Because I was also fucked up. Look, it's amazing that I even made it on the train, by the way. And I put it up, And he, like, sees me sit down and take all my shit off. And he just, like, turned around and found another one. But then it got busy.

And, like, because I got around in Jersey, we got to Manhattan. And this dude sat next to me for, like, a stop-ish. And then when I went up to use the bathroom, I came back and he was gone. Like, he was like, no, we didn't get to another stop. So he definitely didn't, like, get off the plane. I mean, I got off the train. But, yeah, I was, dude, I just didn't, I couldn't stop eating. I got a cheese plate on the fucking train.

I couldn't. Oh my God, I couldn't stop. With the grapes and the peanuts and shit, they ate you with three almonds. I don't want almonds. The almonds and the grape like I'm Julius Caesar. Hit me with the goody good. Go get that gutter and that Adam.

Oh, yeah. They always give you one cracker, two light. They did. It's like, dog, go get the other fucking cracker. Get me two to wash the cracker down. Yeah. There's always that one piece of cheese that's disgusting that you're going to eat because you're high. It's like yellow cheddar.

You know, you're going to eat this fucking tooth breaker without a fucking cracker. Yeah, can you say it until the end? Yeah, they could be like a little Swiss, a little Gouda, and then they give you two crackers, three almonds and a grape. And I'm supposed to be fucking tip-top my goo. Get the fuck. Go in the back and get the rest of that cheese board. Let's cut this motherfucker up, Jack. Jesus.

And I didn't prepare for the, because. I didn't, honestly, I didn't think I was going to see you Saturday night. Because like, oh, it's going to be, I'm not going to get back to midnight. I called you and you're like, fucking every Saturday at midnight. And I remember when I got it was great. And we took it and you're like, listen, I got to go to sleep and you got to get home before this stuff starts to kick in. And I honestly think that mushrooms might be somehow connected to the universe because they did wait until I got back to my hotel. but I also, I never hit every green.

I hit every green on the way home from the hotel to the hotel. I had every green. And then there's something about New Jersey that I, on like, it's not like a highway, but an in-between highway. When you're coming in from like the side streets, they don't have ramps. It's just like you got to take a right from a stop sign on to like basically a highway, people doing 60.

And when you're a little bit stoned, that shit's terrifying. and luck there was no one there it was fucking what are you looking at nothing oh my god yeah I just wanted to see what I was saying you know what I'm saying

I barely made it to your house like I didn't I had like I never leave packing to the last minute Oh in the morning it looked too good When you got he I was going to say just take the 4.30 Relax it back watching tennis you know because you're not even going to know what you want. When you wake up,

you're going to, yeah, you just missed a Super Bowl, really? You don't know what's going on. Oh, yeah, I had no idea. I couldn't even watch the, like, people, I think people, I think they were scared because on the train, like, I couldn't even handle looking at my phone. Like, I just sort of, but I, like, you can't really sleep on the train because, like, if they're moving and talking, so I was just got it standing up straight. Seventy-5 milligrams and two mushroom caps. What the fuck?

First of all, you just admitted that it was at between, between, 75 and 400. But you say that. The highest one I have is 200. I got 100, but not many left because you ate them all. And I had some 50s and I threw them in the bunch.

So there had to be 1050s in there. So it was between 75 and 125. No, you ate 50? Yeah. You ate 75 or 125. That ain't enough. And 25... Pure ABX and then those mushrooms are just... You don't know what's...

in those caps. I've never had just two caps. By the way, I get no credit from you. I ate those with not no, not one problem. I didn't have any money. I don't know. You were making faces and shit. I was going to get the airplane back. I saw you chewing and fucking stuttering and you

chews and shit. But did I? Did I puke? I didn't even gag once. I had my honey for you. No, he didn't puke. Yeah, you wanted to give me honey that was full of THC. Or no other mushrooms or something. It was a gram of mushrooms. It's the same people. You know, fun factories. I'm sure it's great, taste great and helps, but I'm not adding more

mushrooms to my mushrooms. What's a gram on two caps? What's it going to do to you? Again, what do you mean? What's it going to do? How's it going to deter you from your mission? That's what I'm saying. I don't want to know. Why ask questions? Because you have to know what you're taking. When my friend used to go to those satanic rituals, they just give you something. When you take it, They give you something to drink, you drink it. You see the devil and you go home. Yeah, but why are you going to satanic rituals? Like, that's not a good example of you.

Not me or Fred. I know that. I know not you. I hope not you, but you can't, like, you're using that as an excuse of why you don't ask. Don't ask. What do you want to know? What's a difference between 10 milligrams and 50, if I give it to you?

A lot. For people who take, yeah. I talk to people. every week now about this. If you go from 10 to 50, that's like going from you're lifting five pounds to you're lifting 300 pounds. Yes and no.

Yes and no. You ain't lifting no waistcoat. No, I'm not, but I'm also not eating. I have a lot of experience eating this many edibles and not knowing what is in the package. And you're still here? I am still here.

When it matter? You're a fucking soldier? Well, no, I'm not saying I'm going to die, but I'm going to say... You know, what are you complain about? No one's complaining. I'm just saying. Everybody needs to know everything. What times the plane get there? What's the size of the

engine? You know, how many people fit in the back? What if? What if? What if you shut the fuck up? Get high and mind your business. Look straight at. You don't want to know nothing. You wouldn't be on this fucking plane anyway with the rest of these retards.

Oh. You're on a plane with the fucking king of England with his little prostate cancer flying around the fucking world. Speaking of that, I haven't even got to tell you this yet. I don't know what it is about me, but I picked

the wrong doctor. He's a nice guy, but I think I have to find a new doctor. A. He stuck a finger in your ass? No. I get there. He's a very nice guy.

He's missing a tooth. He's missing the front tooth. He, and I don't know. That should have, I should have, that should have ended with that one. And I tried to keep a straight face and he was a very, and it seemed like you know what he was talking about, but he was just that, that tooth is an interesting tooth to be missing, like the very front. And then he dropped, like, whenever I tell people, like, what do you do?

So I, I've been, maybe it's a mistake to tell people you're trying to be a comic. I try to, you know, make small talk. Don't bring that up no more. not going to. He started telling me his own jokes. Yeah. Don't bring. He dropped, he dropped retarded. He just like in the middle of like

getting my vitals. Like, you know, some of my jokes are a little off color. I said, I don't, what am I going to say? I don't, I don't mind, but it's also not something I, like, am used to hearing my doctor say. Are you fucking crazy? Is he a good

doctor? He's missing the tooth. Listen. For some reason, you always know to pick winners, whether it's doctors. Oh, I'm supposed to know what if I'm supposed to know what I'm going. You know, you always kind of buy the way. You're the guy that ate chicken wings of the 50-cent concert. So, you know.

Chicken fingers, and that was a good call. That was the best call of my night. That's even worse. Chicken fingers at a 50-cent concert. First off, very racist. I didn't make the menu. I just ordered it. I had the avocado toast with the rest of it.

You don't have avocado toast in Connecticut. I don't know what to tell you, Lee. A doctor with a missing fucking tooth. Yeah. Now, why didn't he shove it? He took the blood out today. He checked my vital. He checked my vitals.

My, surprisingly, my blood pressure was okay. I was fucking worried about that. He took the blood. He's going to, you know, we're going to meet. But I don't know if I can go back. Let me ask you a question. Did you go to one of those quick centers? No, I went to a like that.

Like the thing. When I moved back from LA, like, I haven't. I have insurance. I went to, like, an actual doctor. I went to, like, a doctor website to try to find, like, the reviews, and he had all five-star reviews. Did he have a picture of them? It did, but he had the tooth at that point.

They always try to trick. I got catfish by my doctor. No, the doctor with a missing tooth. I had a doctor with a coke addiction. He was a great fucking doctor. I used to just bump into him in the city at night, and he'd be as coked up as I was and shit. Was he still your doctor?

Was it your childhood doctor? Yeah, he was my childhood doctor all the way to like I went to Colorado. He was my doctor to 85. I was trading him eight balls for steroids at the end for a prescription of anvary for my friends. And I get them to give me an eight ball and I give it to the doctor. But were you still going to him as like an actual patient or was he just to get steroids? I was going to him as a patient. I also bumped into him at night and talked to him.

And I said, my friends needed steroids. And he goes, come on by. Didn't it make you nervous getting like a shot from him if he's on Coke? Always. Maybe that's why you're afraid of needles. One time he shot me with Coke when I was like, bouncing off a fucking wall for hours. Holy shit.

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We're back like herpes. All right. When I was like, I didn't, I moved to New Jersey when I was 10. Okay. But before that, I lived on 88th Street. And I still remember being, let's say six. Okay.

And that's when doctors used to make house calls. For 35 fucking bucks, they were coming house. Because my friends used to make house calls so they get a doctor's note and then go back to school. When I was growing up, you needed a doctor's note for everything. If you played hooky, you needed a doctor's note. So doctor's notes were big. They were a flat 25.

If the doctor came to your house to write, it was 35. That's not bad. That's a complete different animal. I'm just trying to educate the fucking audience here. Right. So he would come over. I knew him. His name was Orlando, Dr. Del Valle. And I still remember him coming over, you know, sticking the fucking demammon under my tongue,

and then checking my lungs and then taking his glasses off and going, Oh, Antonio. I know, the temperature, this is what's going on. I'll give you a shot and it'll be over by tomorrow. And right there is when I would start. I don't want a shot. and my mother would start shut the fuck up. You're getting a shot. I don't want a shot. I'm not.

It's going to hurt. I don't want a shot. It's going to hurt. And that's where it was, I would just say it's going to hurt in Spanish over and over. Mevalo leo leo. Mevalo leal. I would say like a fucking Cuban retard. So I would say that once you go outside for 10 minutes, let me think about it. And they would go out. And then my mother would offer them

something to eat and a beer. And then my stepfather would be there with these fucking idiots and another friend. And they'd be out there drinking. He'd come back like a half hour later. Are you ready for the drink? Now, at this age, I already knew my parents were doing something creepy. Because I was sitting in the bathroom, putting shit in their nose, her friends. I knew something was going up with that shit in your nose.

I just didn't know what it was. And then when he would tell me, I'm going to come back in 20 minutes and he wouldn't come out, I'd go out to the living room to see what was going on. And obviously, there'd be a piece of aluminum foil out on the table. In Orlando would be doing bumps with my mom and Nelson and fucking, you know. And next thing you know, he'd come into the room all fucking banged up and they'd have to give me a shot. Two hours later, he was hammond.

And I'd sit there and my mom would hold me down. Nelson, you know, the guy who was a partner at the dry cleaner, and my stepfather would grab one leg. And they'd shoot me in the ass. And then he'd leave my mom a pet of the same. Cillum bottle on a syringe. Fuck. And then the next day my mom would shoot me. So I'd be

walking around for a week with two purple fucking ass cheeks. One on the right and one on the left. I knew that guy forever. And it ended bad because he had a son my age who was stealing his prescriptions.

Okay. Taking him to disc attacks and he lost his license. I spoke to him maybe 15 years ago. He was in Miami at a bar with a friend of him who I haven't spoken to me here. This guy, I think he's dead. But what are you going to fucking do? But anyway, that night, Saturday, I always felt very disappointed because you were playing

the goju, the dojo comedy. From what I hear, it's a great club. You liked it. It was fantastic. Matt, whatever his name was. Brennerch was at Bananas. And he had invited me up. And I could have gone up down Friday and gone to hang out with you.

Saturday, but I was like, it's Lee's first time featuring there. If I go there, they're going to want me to go up. I'm not going to let Lee have his fucking night. And then Tom Segru was in Atlantic City. I could have gone down there and done 10 minutes in front of 2,000 people. But I opted to go to Black Betty's in fucking

South Camp Boy, New Jersey. What I did know is the strip club was in the basement. It's a strip. It's a strip bar. Right. The comedy room is in the basement. It seats like 20 people, maybe 20 people could stand. You know, I didn't know this. I had never been there.

I had never known Black Betty existed. I went there a couple Thursdays ago because they have an open mic on Thursday. Okay. And I was kind of scared. I pulled into the park on line. It's right off the fucking 9-0. I pulled into the parking line.

I saw a rat run across. And I kept thinking about that ACDC song, Night Prawler. A rat runs down in Alabama. And a chill comes down your spine. I'm like, you know what? I ain't going in there. And I remember my call, I said, I went, and I didn't see any comics because it's downstairs.

Oh, it was that place. Got it. So you don't even have to walk to the strip club. So I didn't know if I was going for sure. I knew I wanted to get out of the house Saturday night. And because I didn't, I couldn't get out Thursday night. They canceled the show in Point Place. I couldn't do anything Friday night.

I had my daughter. And then Saturday, I said, fuck it, I got to do some. And Dan Florentine, Uncle Dan call me. He goes, oh, we're at the comedy show with my wife at the strip club. I'm like, what the fuck are you doing this strip club? Exactly. He was downstairs.

He goes, it's not upstairs. It's downstairs. You know, I went there, and I saw a lot of young comics, and it was exactly what I wanted from a room. Oh, cool. Why did I like it? Because it was very easy for me to go hang out with you, a Brent Erich with an audience that 90% would know me,

or it would be even nicer to go to AC and be in the green room and eat food and come out and do 2,000 people. I could have done that. But right now I don't need that. Right. That's what I wanted to get away from. I need to get inspired, you know. And if anything that inspires you more is the basement of a strip club.

Inspiration. You either got to get funny or you're going to be stuck at the basement for the rest of your life. And I got to tell you, I went to see my friend Christy Miller. I've known Christy from the comedy store

from 97. She opened up for Paul Mooney. She was also a disciple of Paul Moorys. When we hugged her, I whispered in the ear, if you shake your family tree, a black man will fall out. We

We almost fell over. But she said something that night. That was very true. I watched another comic go up. I watched her go up. I saw a comic that had been doing comedy for two months go up. And I saw a guy that had been doing comedy

for like six weeks ago up. Wow. And I said, what else do you have tonight? She goes, nothing. She goes, I've got to have done a spot at the New York Comedy Club or something. But she goes, you know what?

these little rooms sometimes, it's where the magic happens. And she was right. It's because you have no expectations and there's nothing to be. Why do you think the magic happens there? Remember, I used to, what's the square root of stand-up? I don't know. It's you making the audience laugh. Okay.

With no, what's the square root of it? It's, it's me after jihitsu class. with you and eight other guys. Just looking on the mat. I got beat up. This guy got me in an arm bar. Lee's got the Hitler foot. You know,

you know, that is the beginning of stand-up. It's us at a pizza parlor when we're 14. And we're talking about our mother or our brother or that fucking kid that has the shopwright sneakers. And then I graduated to a bus. I was on a bus for two years, telling stories with kids going up and down in the morning and at night, busting junkies balls. And then it just got a bigger, your audience gets bigger, and then you're in front of, then you're on a stage.

And the first time I got on stage, there was 100 people on stage. The next night, there was 35 people on stage, and like a week later, I was back down to four. You know, my point is the square root of comedy is you coming to get entertained and me making you laugh, regardless of who's there. You went to the movie theater. They were sold out for the movie you wanted to see. The next one wasn't starting until fucking 1040. But the comedy club is starting at 8.30. Let's see who's there.

There's no YouTube. Right. There's no Tom Segura, there's no Joe Rogan, there's no Dave Chappelle. It's just a guy you never saw before. And you go in there to get entertained. It's so cool that people come out to shows like that, because I would never think to go to a show like that. But, like, I'm so thankful that people come out to shows like that.

Listen, there's people that like to go to Madison Square Garden. There's people that love to go to an arena. There's people who love to go to rascals or the stress factory or Uncle Vinnie's, Uncle Dino's. But at the same time, there's people who just want to go to a bar sometimes. They really don't want to buy two drinks. You know, maybe they don't drink. Right.

But the bottom line is they went there to get fucking entertained. And not, you know, dog, I could tell you a thousand things. Everybody I saw that night, they were rocking. They really were. Nice. The first stripper that came downstairs, the cocktail waitress, scared the fuck out of me because her suit, her stripper suit was as real as it got. She had a spider web suit with a little cup holding her little monkey and two little things on her tits.

And it was wrapped around with strings and shit. She was good looking at one time, you know, like she still look good. No, I'm not. No, no, no, no. You can tell me. No, just the way you said it was very funny. She was like something hot in high school. A while ago.

And she had a kid started drinking, maybe did meth. Things worked out the way they did. But she looked good. She was there. She had the spider suit on. I was like, oh, I didn't know if it was topless. I didn't know. But they were waitresses.

Or they were dancers who would come down to waitress in between their sets to make extra money. It was surreal, man. But it was real comedy. I got in that car and I felt so good about myself. Because I could have gone anywhere. Yeah. But I went to a place that I could have got COVID. You know, that's how many people were in a small space.

And the whole time I'm like, this is what comedy was. And I'm looking at these young guys. And I'm like, that was me 30 years ago. What is it, 24, 30, that's 94. Yeah, once I got the grasp of it, like I told. you my first two years I didn't know dick once 94 came I started climbing my sets and writing little tags and you know it takes time you know so now like you made it to almost the top I think the high like the highest the highest for stand-up wait like look look

do you regret not doing more of those rooms like when you were doing like when you were doing it full time like should I should people keep doing room like that their whole career? What, the little rooms? Yeah. Well, you saw me at the fourth wall with you? Right, which is a unique, like most people wouldn't do that either.

And I had spots at the store and at flappers and at whatever. You know, people could do whatever they want to do, man. But I think once you're at the green room at the comedy store and you're one of the guys and you're getting 20 minutes and you're allowed to bump and you've done movies and stuff like that.

It's not about that anymore. It's about, like I made a statement on Rogan a couple of weeks ago. I have 2,000 people keep asking me. Are you quitting podcasting? Are you quitting? I didn't say that. Right. I didn't say that.

I said that it'd be nice to do stand-up with nothing else on your plate. No acting, no fucking podcasting, no social media. Just keep tight-free. a year, get on stage, 350 nights. How many, how many days in the year? 365. Yeah. 350. I'm going for 350 spots.

If I do a double in a night, it counts as one. Really? Okay. And, you know, for a year, focus on that with nothing else on my mind. Just stand up. You're going to a comedy boot camp that you're fucking teaching.

You're at a level in your career where you have the discipline to do that. Anybody does. Anybody does. Ari's kind of doing that right now, don't you think? I mean, he's a guest on podcast sometimes, but he kind of, he doesn't do his podcast anymore, and he's doing a theater tour right now.

Listen, it's, you know, we've, you know, I talk to him all the time about little, and we've discussed it just at one point in your career. I mean, listen, bro, I've been doing it now, 30-something years. I had nothing to prove to nobody. I really don't. What do I have to prove?

You want me to go on an arena tour to prove to everybody that I'm on the top? That's not the top of your game. Right. Not ever the top of your game. That's just another avenue that's opened up for you on the way up, which is tremendous. I think it's an amazing fucking feat.

But I didn't want to pack 18,000 people in there. I don't know. It just doesn't. Something about it. I'm still in love with the small room, Lee. I've 34 years. Cut the money in quarters. I'd rather do the small room where you feel them. They're on top of you.

I don't know. I'm a fucking, oh, man, what the fuck do I know? But I know that people doing Madison Square Garden, like, it's nothing now. Yeah, they really, like, I think Sebastian has, like, six or seven days there on this tour coming up. I have shows. You know. Kill Tony, two shows. Yeah.

That's impressive as fuck. And I would love to do Madison Square Garden. I just don't have the energy to come up with 18,000 people at this point in my life. You know, I wish I did. That's a year of me fucking curating. Right. A year of me curating. And that's really a year of me curating because I would have to do sets in Philly and shit and Jersey.

I couldn't do them in the city. I'm going to be there. in September. I'm going to be there. I'm going to be there. So, trust me, there's always a plan, you know. It's interesting that you said, like, you'd love to do Madison Square Garden. When you, when you were, like, a young comic, were there any clubs? I know you used to talk about circling in the newspaper, but, like, when you were starting, what, what clubs or places did you really want to do?

Carolines Okay The Houston lap stop Any club in LA Igbees The Comedy Store The Laugh Factory The Ice House

The Comedy Magic Club The Before you got there Years before you got there There was a club in the valley That guy was a thief There was an extra workout room There was one room that stuck out

And it was so weird that when I had the opportunity to go there, I went there because of that room. There was something I always loved about the comedy underground in Seattle. Oh, yeah. Was that there when you were there? Yeah. Oh, please. That was there 3,000 years before I started comedy. But the other clubs, I wanted to work. You know, when I got into comedy, the newspaper publication came out out of San Francisco. Okay. So it highlighted a lot of stuff in San Francisco. And then when things happened, the clubs that survived were the punchline,

the one on the Fisherman's Wharf. Not the improv or the... Really great club. I always bomb at it. Oh, Cobbs. Cubs. There was a bunch of clubs up there. I wanted to get my name on, you know. But San Francisco was one of those.

cities that had like this unbelievable fucking club scene and hit. Right. And it was, they did a national contest out of there. And, you know, comics, the headliners in San Francisco made money because people came out to see him and support that.

And they played Oakland like Mark Curry. And they played, you know, fucking San Francisco and Concord and all those walnut. You know, there was a punchline of walnut. for a while that I got to play at and bomb four shows

very early. I'm always very grateful that club closed down because the haunts, the fucking ghost of my bombing would still haunt me over there. That's how bad I fucking bombed. Oh, no.

Were you very early on? Very early on. It was three years in. I was not prepared the comic like me, so he brought me with him and I just made a fool of myself. And he gave me a chance a year later and that club fell in love with me. And I worked that club three weeks of a shot for years.

Wow. And I was just thinking about that this week because people always ask me like, oh, well, you come here? Like, I'm at a point where, like, I would love to do really anywhere. And but there are like a few clubs that like, you know, it was just like being in New York, like seeing like the stand and the comedy cellar and like I was my hope.

I just took a walk. My hotel was right next to Gotham. Just places like places I went to as a kid, it just like would be amazing. And like I said, I would love to do anywhere. It's not against any other club, but just seeing like I had dinner at the place above the cellar.

Just and I've heard comics talk about like hanging out there. And so it's just, it's weird how like these places have an aura. It's, you know, I didn't like the dinners at places. I was too broke to have dinners at places, but there were a lot of comedy clubs that I wanted to perform at for personal reasons. And, yeah, I wish, you know,

I got to perform at all the places I really wanted to. Yeah. And I got to perform in like 40 states or something, which is pretty damn fucking good, you know. And some of them were, the hard ones Montana Wyoming, Idaho they were fucking hard

at that point in my career but I'm very grateful for that that I had that toughness a lot of them were Mormon rooms you didn't know until you got there in Utah and shit like that but the comedy clubs yeah and I got the headline the ones I wanted to

which was a dream come true because I was so stuck at feature for so many years and then I really wanted to work at headlining. So, yeah, I was good. I was very good. Trust me, what I had to work with, I did way better at other people

with what they had to work with. And I had age against me. I had looks against me. I had fucking, you know, I was with shitty agents till the end, but I always outworked my people. You've got to outwork the people that are working for you, to let them know.

the type of character you are. Right. That's basically it, man. That's what this is all about. This is what your journey is all about. Food for thought. Okay. I watched one of his tapes the other day.

One of his things came up on Instagram. Talking about Mitch Headburn. Okay. And I really thought about Mitch for a little while. Like, I remember him up in Seattle with Chart Hogan And then later on, the Mitch, you know, things got bad and whatever. But the Mitch, I remember from Seattle, 95, 96, 97. And one of the things he did that I wish I would have done that I always dreamt about.

Right. On your own terms is go rent yourself a fucking van. You could do for a month. and plan out a route where you could hit a comedy club every fucking night. That sounds awesome. Okay. And I mean, you know, you're going to start in Jersey.

You're going to go through Pennsylvania, go to Michigan. The problem is if you do it in the summer, all the clubs close down because business, you know, it slows down. Right. But if you plan a perfect two-month trip, Two months. It's not about money. This is an investment in you.

Renting a van, medium-sized van. You can put a little cotton there, a little Puerto Rican shower in the back, enough clothes to, you know, your computer, obviously, blah,

and you put it all like, like, like Doug Stanhope. Right. And you do from fucking New Jersey, PA, Michigan's got a lot of comedy. You go through,

through Iowa, maybe, I don't know, I don't know what you want to do, and then come back. And after that, like, you leave and you, you've created so many leads. If you're gone for 20 days, if you're gone for 60 days and you hit 40 clubs, 10 of them are going to like you. Right. But 30 of them are going to be in contact with you. And even if 10 book you, you can't. money back, not now, but in five years from now, because you've already planted your flag in

these cities, which are obviously very hard to grow at. Yeah. That was always, like, I've, I looked into one when you came back from L.A. Because like that, I don't know if you've heard, like, people talk about van life, but people are living in RVs and vans. So you could, the part, the hard part for me would be getting into actual clubs. Like, I could, I think it would be a little easier to like, you know, do throughout the week, do open mics and then try to match it up with a club. No, my name is Lee Syatt. I'm working with a guy that's going to help me

and call these clubs and go, he's coming through if he could just do a guest set in your club. You know what? We have an opening that night. Does he have 45 minutes? Yeah. You're going to get a couple gigs, but most of them you're going to go in there with a clean mine.

Your set is just to go in there and destroy him and make a contact. Right. People don't like you. They're going to go, wow, nobody comes through here no more. That's a forgotten art. People don't want to do that no more.

I love doing that. I would book a room somewhere to purposely get a guest set at a different place. Really? Yeah, I wasn't just settling on the 100. I wasn't going there. I was going to lose money anyway.

Right. You give me 75 bucks to come to your one-nighter and fucking whatever. But I'd always call. the club and see if I can I come in early and do Friday night yeah I it's crazy that you're saying this because I'm doing that next month I'm doing a couple shows in uh Minnesota and I'm getting to go to Acme so but it's um let me ask you this because you're just talking about like showing up at clubs like that when you're when you were doing shows did you ever like

when did you start working on stuff at big shows because like I was talking with another comic this weekend about it. And we're at a place right now. We're like, we're just doing like the A list, like the ones we know will work because we want the clubs to know that we're actually funny versus like working on stuff in between. So you were around me for a long time. I'm not going up on stage unless I drop something on them. Right. Always trying something, even the idea. Okay. The idea.

Like the idea, something happened last night or something that, you know, I don't know, something I wrote it down. Just the idea. I don't have a joke for it, but I know there's something now. Wow. Go through it. And even if it's a throwaway, the world is going as shit. Look, this, that, and then throw that joke away. And I guarantee by you just mentioning that, you're going to get three people who are going to giggle because they saw the news.

Okay. And then you throw it from there. You know, Lee, your goal every night is to be funny. Okay? You know what's working and you know what's not. If you got 14 minutes of solid fucking material, you really have 30. But your first 14 are fire, don't book a guest set for 20 minutes. Right.

You can get a fucking 10 where you could fit the 14 in and destroy them. This is the kind of shit that you have to look at objective. and go, what do I really have to offer? This joke about this is fluff. It's funny, though, when I was watching those young open micers the other night, I did find something. I was saying to myself, throw that joke away. To them?

No, I would never say it to them. I would say it to them personally, but about them. To myself. Right. I would throw that joke away. I would take that joke and add this to it. Like, I was saying that to myself. There's some there, but I would save that for the end.

It's a little too blue up front. Like I was doing that just to, and that's what I wanted to do. Oh, cool. Okay. You want to get back to the basics. You want to get back to back. I'm not there putting anybody down. No, I didn't think that at all.

Nothing bothered me more that when I was doing comedy three years and there was always that one guy that came over. Yeah, you know, I just opened up for Ron White. You shouldn't use that joke. you know, I did it at the improv. They didn't want to hear it. Because you suck. You didn't even... I'm not there to ever.

Like, I tend to away from that shit with everybody. Because that's, I know I don't like people mecking around with it. No. I never thought you would, would talk shit about someone. I didn't know if you were, like,

thinking about your own jokes or if you were thinking about their jokes. But that's, that's really cool that like you found like so i guess are you close to halfway done with these 10 sets is like i would say you're probably maybe even past it i think i'm on five or six how is it like overall is it going the way you wanted it to go like how is it looking yes it's going the way i wanted it to go absolutely i took my time i didn't force anything i didn't go anywhere where i didn't belong i might do something wednesday night to help

a friend out and to go check out this club and that'll be my first lurking night you know that i'll lurk outside my usual thursday i got somewhere to go this week i got two places to go nice and then uh yeah you know i'm always looking man if something fits boom i'll show up and do 10 you know but i can't put myself in like weird positions either what do you mean by that like yeah and as i was leaving 20 of those open mic is wanted pictures. And I'm like, guys, you know, comedians, knock the fuck off. I'm not sitting here.

This is the shit you do when you get paid for a show. Right. I'm not going to be out here for an hour. I got to go home. The honeymoon is starting. Lee's coming over. And that's the truth. I had to go.

I didn't know if you were on your way. I didn't know if you were going to call me when you were in the neighborhood. I didn't want to bother you. So. But, no. it's definitely going how I wanted to go. I think the fourth set, I did a little stutter step.

Okay. I'm catching it. Like the other end I had a great set at the strip club. There was one thing I mumbled. There was one thing as I was doing it. I go, I'm fucking it up. It's a good premise. I got to go into it a little better.

And I came home and worked on it that night. So it's working out great. It would have been, It would have been nice to see Tom and Matt Fultron. Right. Great to see Brenner. So it would have been great to see you on stage, your natural habitat. But at the same time, I got to get this handled.

And the quicker I get this handled, the quicker I can make different moves. Yeah. Like I said, I'm Rogan. I could see myself doing a residency. Mm-hmm. Something really cool. but that's it. I'm not trapped.

Oh, yeah, I don't expect you to try it. It's places that I do miss, you know. Oh, yeah? Yeah, I would love. I'm definitely going back to JRE, like, well, not to do the podcast, but to try those three nights, I'm definitely going to try it.

And I always like going to Milwaukee one more time. I love, like a fair world tour. I got some cities picked and they're not even theaters even if it's a couple clubs I hit two nights I don't know if I could do a late show anymore

Lee you don't think so I think you I mean it what is it about it that you're not sure is it energy? Energy yeah I want to give you 150% a sleepy Joe is not a good Joe you know what I'm saying

we already have a sleepy Joe I know I can come out and give you one good fucking show Right. I'd rather do that than give you one really good one and one mediocre one. Are you feeling tired at the end of your headlining? Like, you know what, man? I don't, like, I respect professional athletes.

Uh-huh. Because they got to go cold during commercial breaks. They got to go cold. I hate going cold. After your first show, you get off stage, you go in the green room. Maybe you get something to eat. Maybe you smoke a joint. You go to the bathroom, you throw some water on your face.

And you've still got 45 to an hour to wait. Right. Okay, got it. You sit down, you're talking to your friends. People come into the green room. You're talking to them. Your muscles get tight. Your back gets tight.

I know when I was doing two shows a night, I would get back to my room, and I figured this out, why my legs were so tight at the end of, once I would go back to my hotel room why am I so tight and then I figured out because when you're on stage your feet clamp into the stage you're protecting your boundaries

you don't know you're doing this this is the unconscious shit you do as part of you stand up I would always stand one leg at like a guard attack I'm not going to stand with both feet even because that's how Frank Mia got Brock Lesnar You always got to stand with one foot in front of the other one low I would go back to my room and I would go what the fuck

And then I started lifting weights and I figured out why I was so sore Very interesting you know I wear a whoop When I go on stage now Very interesting what you find out about yourself Oh I'm sure If you do 30 minutes or more with the whoop on Okay

it becomes an activity. Oh, okay. It pops up by itself and they'll go, what's this activity? And you put stand-up comedy and then it processes. And when the results come back, you're going to go, what the fuck was that? Your heartbeat was it 90% of your usual range

when you're doing this exercise? Like, what are you talking about? You burned 800 calories, 400 calories. You know, it's not like I'm lifting weights on stage. I'm breathing. My heart's beating. Yeah. And I'm there.

I'm living it. I'm living it. And that's why you burn 800 fucking calories in 45 minutes. I could throw punches for an hour and not burn 700 calories. I go to fucking Jiu-Jitsu. I got to roll 10 times to burn 700 calories. Yeah. Josh switches shirts in between shows because he like sweats.

Yeah, I don't sweat no more. I don't do drugs. when I was doing coke I was sweating up a fucking storm out there but yeah I'm all right now what do you got this week beautiful this week I'm going to the Buffalo Helium Thursday through Saturday with Josh

Oh that's a good time They don't have the beef on Wick no more And I think they took the wings off the menu At the club? Yeah You know where you got to go Oh yeah I'm excited

Yeah there's there's there's Duffs and then there's a couple of them out there. You're not going to anchor bar. That's where how many guns go. Okay. No more anchor bar? The wings weren't start. That's where the wings started,

but you're not going to go. Drive by, beep the horn. You know what I'm saying? I can't wait. I'm excited for Buffalo. Does is great. Make sure you use Josh as a reference.

The other Josh, Buffalo, Josh. Potter, yeah. Potter. The man of steel. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, that's one of the ones. that I'm excited.

I'm excited about all of them, but I've heard you and a lot of comics talk about the Buffalo Helium for years. I like it. I just read some comic one up there and it was awful. I'm like, I don't know what this guy's a prima don't know

what comical was. I've always enjoyed the Buffalo crowds. Always. They're great. They'll take the rivalry year. They're not politically correct. You know, if it's real Buffalo, you'll be fine.

And Buffalo is always Buffalo. It don't change. I'm so pumped. It's going to be great. I don't know where I'm going to be, but I'm going to be out twice this week, you know, trying some stupid jokes. It's made me a better person recently. Just getting out, getting in the car, you know, getting high,

driving, stopping that wah-wah. It's good for the soul, you know. So I'm doing great with it, brother. But yeah, with February, I don't know how many dates you got this month. I got a couple things going on. Oh, yeah? Well, do you want, I have a, I have, I think this is it, actually. I think I have two weeks free right now, but the Buffalo one's a big one.

What else do you have? I don't have any shows. I just got, you know. Oh, okay. No, I got no shows. I'm just going off the seat of my pants. I don't ever know that I feel like tonight's too cold. I wouldn't go anywhere to do comedy.

tonight. Oh, no? Nah, it's too cold. It's Monday night. What's going on? Ain't nothing going on. Unless I go into the city, I'm not going into the state tomorrow. I got to go there tomorrow and then Wednesday I got to be at the doctor

at 9. I got a hell of a fucking weak, cuck sucker. And I'll be in touch. And I'll be in touch with you little bastards. What do you want me to say? I don't fucking know. I love me, cocksuckers. Thank you for watching the check-in today. We're going to keep pushing. That's it.

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