The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - Smoking with three hands - correct audio!

Episode Date: July 28, 2026

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt talk Joey's altercation this weekend, his ever changing five year plan, Joey's trick for dealing with nerves and much more! SHOW NOTES Limited Time Offer - Get 20% OFF Zapply T1 Testo Charge with code CHURCH at http://us.tryzapply.com Thank you to Zapply for partnering with The Church!

Kick this motherfucker, Neil Lee. What's up, you savages? It's Tuesday, July 28th. It's the church of what's happening now, the New Testament of Love. I got my sidekick and brother, Mr. Johnny Hitler, aka Lee Syatt, the Flying Jew,

and I'm back with... I lived another life, another week. That's how I live now. Tuesday to Tuesday. I made it another week. Is that just how you, like, you start the podcast? I survived again.

Yeah, man. I made it another week. We got one more week out of me. You know what I'm saying? What happened to day to day? Now it's week to week? I go day to day, but every Tuesday I celebrate. I made it another fucking week and you believe this shit.

I know you have goals, but someone asked me what like your five-year plan was. And I was like, he doesn't. Right now, what my five-year plan is? Yeah. I got a plan. I got a plan that has a contingency? An option. Okay.

All right. It's 18 months to stand up until I turn 65. Then the option is either to kick it. Depends what I look like. You know, if this eye... Wait, do you mean kick it even kill yourself? No. Kick it.

Kick it. Like, forget stand up. Oh, okay. If this eye closes up anymore, I can't go up there with an eyepatch because that's funny. With these really flag on it, you couldn't. Yeah, I put a little flag on a little big dick.

But no, there's just continuously. how I feel where I'm at that time. I see myself doing stand-up for a long time, but I don't see myself driving, you know, six hours to Pittsburgh. No. You know what I'm saying? Like, there's just things I'm willing to do. I think it's going to be, for me,

it's going to be good to continue to write and journal every day. Yeah. Just for the dementia bullshit, the muscles. You know, you've got to feed the muscles. If you lose muscle, as you get older, that's a higher. tendency for fucking dementia. So listen, man. My two, let's face it.

Okay. My grandmother and grandpa was second cousins. So there's some retardation right there in the family. It's a fucking island, okay? I don't speak about it much because it's not proud. You know what I'm saying? It's like a, it's horrible. I didn't even if I was 23 and me, my uncle told me, go, sit down.

When I was like 10, he goes, if you start hearing voices and shit. It's just a straight line. one side. Talk to your mother because your grandmother and your grandfather are second cousins. It was an island. Once you fuck everybody, you're going to have to bump into a cousin eventually. That's fucked up.

It was dark last night and see your eyes. You know what I'm saying? So, all right, we got that. Both of my parents are dead but not from dementia. Well, maybe they took one look at me.

It said, fuck this. How ugly do you have to be as a kid that your dad just kills himself? After like three years, I don't see no improvements. I'm just going to jump off the Hudson. You think he faked it and he's just out there somewhere, watching? Nah, he's dead as disco. Trust me.

But it's like there's so many contingencies. Do I want to shoot a special? No, I don't ever want to be put back in the system. That's it. I'm a fucking, I don't want to go back into the system. I'm enjoying that I'm shooting a movie. I'm very fortunate in my age. But at the same time, like,

I, this is way over the top for my plans on life. I thought right now I'd have like a one-bedroom apartment and share it with George, you know, a little kitchenette, a little hot stove, and every other month the cable gets cut. You know what I'm saying? But you have chicken colors. Huh? But you have chicken colors.

We have chicken colors. You know, it was just so many expectations that I fulfilled in that manner. Yeah. So right now, I don't want to go back in the, I talk to a lot of people, and that's good enough for me. I still talk to friends at Netflix. I talk to friends that fucking the touring people. They just sent me an offer today.

Live Nation. Live Nation. I love how you're doing a tour at huge theaters. Like, I'm not in the, I'm not in the business. You're fucking, that's. They're not huge theaters. There's 2,000 theaters. That's a lot of fucking.

People are wiping their ass with my ticket sales in the business right now. There are people that are, you look at these people at these arenas, and you go, wow. Wow. But again, if you built it, they'll come. Yeah. If you build it and you pop a show somewhere close to where you came from, it's going to do great.

You know, like if you stay away from that for two years and then you make it a big homecoming, you can put anybody in a fucking stadium. Take your chance. Yeah. Take a chance. Columbus did. That's only one way you're going to find out.

It's cool to see people blow up. Like we were talking before, that Kevin Hart showed the funny A.F. the guy who won it this year was a door guy at the store. I'm gonna start off a hamburgers with him. Oh yeah, I used to do mics with him. Ron Taylor.

Now he puts up his posters. He added a 3 p.m. show. He's like on, dude, he's on the road for like 18 days straight at certain points. And I'm like, good for you, dude. That's, because like, I know how you're like, they wipe your ass with your ticket sales. Dude, if I, if I sell 2,000 tickets in my career,

I'd be like, that's fucking pretty cool. Like, 2,000. tickets in one night is fucking crazy. And I get, but I get, I know what you're saying, but it's, uh, it's, you know, for a semi-retirement, it's not bad. It's not bad. Rich Foss, knock on wood, he's 68, 69, still gets on planes every other weekend. You know, he loves it.

He, it's a past, his kids are gone. Everybody knows. You just sit there. I mean, how many times is the Godfather going to be on? Every day. Four, five, eight. fucking equalizer. One, two, three.

You can't. You can't. You can't. You'll lose your fucking mind. My show comes back this Sunday, though. The Lioness. Oh, yeah? Yeah, that bitch is coming back strong and shit.

So, you know, you get excited. Yeah, every Sunday I got something to do. Eight weeks or ten weeks or whatever. Guys, I'm not going to whine on you motherfuckers here. Nick has a job. He sees people all day. George he lives on the strip. He's up and down talking to anybody who'll talk to him, this poor bastard.

Ice. Anybody who'll stop and talk to George? George will talk to him about anything. Like a guy who'll say, hey, how do you get to North Bergen? Over here, did I tell you used to live in North Bergen? Yeah, with my first hour. You're there for 35 minutes apiece. Stop at Roma.

Tell him George. You say, all right. But, you know, we're around. I'm not around that. Right. And you have no idea. Like, I know if, like, if I just wake up in the morning and eat breakfast and then get in the car and go for a ride, that's as good as it gets for me. Yeah.

They ain't nobody to talk to. They ain't nobody around. There ain't nobody to smoke weed with, and I'm telling you this sincerely. Like, there ain't nobody. And listen, I'm a loner and I like all this shit, but you have to talk to somebody. That's why, I go to the gym and the boxing gym and I go to people. I try to do anything where there's 80 people in the room. Right.

So I could talk, even though I don't say two words of them there. But if I go to Jitza, I'll talk to Sean a little bit. How's your knee? How's your ass? How's this? That's very important after 60. Because after you retire, what do you retire to? A chair?

Is that what you're telling me? Yeah, a lot, yeah. That's not going to happen. That's not going to happen because I can't wake up and throw the TV on. I can wake up after an hour. I could throw a computer on. 45 minutes, I get to throw a computer on. And then, come on, guys.

After an hour and a half on the computer, you know you feel like a fucking loser. Imagine eight hours a day. You check your Facebook. You check your YouTube. You post something on Twitter. Then you got Instagram. That's why I only have Instagram on my phone. Yeah.

You know? You can get stuck. And now I got Twitch. Yeah, that's cool. On my phone. That's all I need is. The video capability. But it's like, you know, you get bored, man.

So forget about the fucking night time in my house. It's Sleepyville. As soon as you walk in there, everybody's laying back, watching TV. There's no excitement in the fucking house. So I'm hoping now that she gets older, maybe there'll be some action in the house. At least I got to yell at somebody. Get the fuck out of my house. You're a little Arab brick.

Oh, my God. You know, whatever the fuck. But it's very... lonely down there. I get it. I mean, what do you, and I know you didn't have like a corporate job,

but there's a lot of people listening who work remote. Like you. Like you. Yeah. You work remote and you don't move out of that bedroom. No.

I don't put pants on most of that. No, no. That's going to kill you eventually. But I go out every night, which is different. I understand. But there's a lot of people

who, and there are some people making the best of it. Like they travel and they go to a different city. Some people move up. out of the country and like make a lot of money right away. But for a lot of people, if you work remote from nine to five and then you watch TV,

like you never leave the house. That's not going to work for me either. No? I'll tell you, there's a lot of things that I look at. Like, you ever see an older couple and they're holding hands, he's got sunglasses on, she's got her summer sandals. That sounds nice. And they're walking on a ship.

Like life after retirement, listen, I'm never getting on a ship. and I'm never wearing those sandals, you know what I'm saying? So it's, it's not me. No. It's not me. I can't. I don't see myself doing that because of my knee, the walking the long distances and shit. But I just mean my wife, you know, she's, no, I'm not putting her down.

I'm just saying that. I don't think she'd want to do that either. Take a long walk with you. She won't get on no fucking shit. Right. Like my wife is against it. want anybody. What does she call it?

A petri bowl. Oh, yeah. A petri dish. They're dangerous. The food used to be great on there. Now they give you the same shit that's a Denny's stuff. Yeah. And they're happy.

People from Iowa are like, oh my God, these eggs. Nah, that's fucking garbage. Yeah. Yeah, they got a lot of cakes. You show all the fat people with their diabetic legs walk up. That's always a fucking thrill. That's always a good day for me. I don't want to see that shit.

No. But speaking of food. and like because you're talking about like not like doing stuff, are you excited for the food at the movies, like when you're making the movie? Not really. No? No, it's only one day.

Oh, okay. I think you're there for a few days. I'm there for a few days, but that's not the way it used to be in him. I mean, I don't know. Maybe he does get a great food truck. That guy's whipping up shit. And then, but ever since COVID, they switched that around.

And every movie set, there's a fucking truck you walk into it. Right. And it's just candy. Oh, I need to be an actor. Everything. I mean, you go in there, they got the tea section, they got every tea. Sotas, every soda. They got everything except booze.

Yeah. And they don't do it anymore? Was it Spider-Man that you were eating lobsters? Listen. It's like anything else. The United charge you 50 bucks per luggage. After the gas went down, they never gave it back to you, did they? Never.

So that's your answer for that first question. Right. After COVID, COVID put all these restrictions. and producers should fuck it. That's an extra 200 in my pocket if I don't, you know, whatever. I don't know how it works. It's not my business. But, like, I'm excited to go there, but it's an hour from Atlanta.

Okay. What are you excited about for the movie? I'm excited to be in a movie. Yeah. Excited for, do you get insurance back? Or do you have insurance with them? No. But, you know, I'm always optimistic when I get up and a little.

I saw this movie. was being made and I didn't even ask. I didn't even ask my agents. I'm like, I don't want to, you know. And also they called me with an offer. Oh, you didn't have to audition? Nothing. Nice.

Nothing. That to me is I did something nice for somebody and I just got it back. Right. I'm not making no money. I'm making SAG minimum, whatever SAG minimum is. I'm doing it to be in a movie. You get a little exposure. It could be my last movie.

You know what I'm saying? Oh, like one, like maybe, like, when is it getting released? Do you know? Yeah, yeah, I know all this shit. Leave me alone. I don't know. I don't know if you're saying like it's going to get released after you die. No.

Okay. What the fuck knows when it's going to get released, but it's a joke, Lee. It's a joke. I know it's a joke. Just the fact that somebody called me and gave me one day, I get on my hands and knees, and I think, I'll strap a bomb on and walk around, but I ain't going to pull the trigger. You know what I'm saying? I'll walk around a little all-a bomb on me.

Don't get next to me. Bomba. Bomba. I'm very grateful for shit like that. And it's a day. So even if I don't like it, I'm out of it at the end of the day. Right. It's one scene in a car with Pete.

That's it. Nice. That's it. I get up Friday morning. I'm back in Newark by 1117. Come on now. Of course you know the times. Do you know your lines already?

I know the paragraph. That's all I need to know for right now. Then in time, I'll keep looking at it, adding. It's shit that I would say, so it's very easy. Oh, no. When was the last time you were in an Apple TV thing a couple of years ago, right? Three or four years ago. Three or four years ago.

Okay. Wow. I shot the Sopranos. I shot that since I've been here. What else? Guns up. Mm-hmm. Three years ago.

It took two years, you know. I don't know when these movies are coming out no more. It's all different. the different world. Again, I'm grateful. Right. Have they asked you, though? Like, do you know it was like,

can they make an AI, Joey Diaz, and put it in movies? You have no idea about that? No. I haven't asked. I don't care. You don't care? As long as this a check,

if there's a check involved, then we'll talk. But until there's a check, I don't care about AI or AI's mother or that shit. You don't use any AI, do you? Not even close. People are doing their whole,

whole days on it now. We mean that whole days. Like you can like, hey, I'm gonna, even on Google Maps. You can be like, hey, I'm driving from here to here. Tell me where to stop for food. Tell me, like, you, like, or like, what I'm going to New York? What should my day be? That's why the shit you eat is terrible.

I don't ask AI. Yes, you do. You ask AI and Google and Yelp and all that shit. I do ask Google. Yeah, I know. But I just go to, I just read the reviews. That's great. You don't read any reviews?

How do you not read a review? I go in there by instinct. What instinct? The sign? There's Italian, but there's Arabs working the counter. I need to be in there. Like this fucking mobile, he'll walk all up and down, cliffside. They're all Arabian.

That's it. He'll walk into an ice cream shop and get mad or a pizza place. Number one, where are you walking in there for? Why are you walking in there? I mean, you're a fucking grown adult. Why are you walking in there? But how, so if you walk in. And that's not, listen, don't, I'm fucking around.

Right, I know you're fucking around. I have personal reasons. Right. I have to look at the place. I want to see it. The only thing I do now that I got a little smarter computer litter is I'll look at the menu. Oh, you have you? You never used to look at the menu?

No. I just know because a dear friend of mine, like if you gave me a restaurant recommendation, 100% I wouldn't go in there. Because I know what you eat and I know that you'll tolerate bad food. Not as much anymore. It's harder in New York. Yeah, no. You love anything bad food.

I know you're already. You're attracted to it. You're attracted to bad food. I don't know why. Because there was a lot of it for cheap when I was fat. Yeah, I know. But now you want to eat cheap fucking food, that's going to clog your fucking asshole.

You don't know what you're eating, man. Listen, as Americans right now, we have no idea what we're eating when we're not eating at home. And even then it's scary. You don't know what's in that steak no more. You don't know what's in this. You don't know what's in that seafood. That lobster had a condom stuck to it for the last eight hours of his life.

I mean, I don't know. And again, I've never looked at food this way. But the last six or seven years I've heard, like, my neighbors went to Italy. And they were telling me, like, you could see the Americans. You can sit there, smoke a joint, and you could tell, American and American. Their body type, the way they were. walk. It's a different world.

Those people eat fucking food. And it shows their skin looks radiant, you know. Isn't that the thing, like in Italy, like you can eat as much pasta as you want. You're not going to gain weight. They don't even, it doesn't have that much. Like, if you eat pasta, if you have diabetes, you can't eat pasta. And I know some people disagree with me. Right.

But I know that that's why a lot of those places have like, it's called something, George, some type of pasta that doesn't. free? Yeah, and then El Nito was important in his pasta, and that's why people that ate it that were diabetic could go in there and eat because his pasta. Oh, yeah. They use different flour.

Makes sense. But every time you go, look at man, I saw a rant by Ted Nugent, as crazy as he is, he put a rant down, he's like, and I'm guilty because I went to Derry Queen a few weeks ago. He's like, Derry Queen, find me the Derry in there.

Like they can't even call it. Like, I'm not sure of dairy cream, but there's some ice creams. Yeah, yeah. You can't even call it ice cream because there's no cream in it. It's like ice dessert or something. McDonald's, listen, I'm not going to lie to America, you understand. I want to eat a quarter pound every fucking day. I don't know about you motherfuckers.

Yes. I could do a quarter pounder without the fries every day and take my chances. Now, I could only get a quarter pound if I'm going to go home. And that's, like, I'm not going to eat a quarter pound on the way up to North Jersey. I don't trust it. What would happen? who knows but I don't want to be a part of it

you know if you don't think I crave a fucking Big Mac that shit with the Russian dressing or the house dressing the two levels dog unless you're a fucking idiot you know everybody craves that shit but I know I don't know what I'm eating I don't know what's in that meat

anymore dog I grew up in New York City I know all of I ate at every fucking hot dog corner he'll tell you all the steak on a stick but that was 93. Now you go into the city, it's like

when I saw a food truck selling fish Oh yeah, on the way to the Tony. Who would eat that? Who would eat that? Why would you commit to that? But there's just so many things that, and we don't know. Reasons is, we don't have the money. Yeah. So we buy.

I don't even look at that cabinet no more. And everyone's someone I just throw shit away so my daughter won't eat it. Really? Yeah. Those fucking cheesecrack. We like, those things will kill you. And I can eat 10 bags of them.

I love cheese crackers. You know, potato chips, they'll kill you. And again, I'm not here fucking being Johnny Health and Fitness. I'm just telling me that I'm getting older. And for me to continue to be energetic or it's got to be part of me. Like now when I go eat, I really look at things. Yeah, yeah. I really fucking do, man.

What sort of things are you switching out? Or what are you doing more? No more bacon. I used to go off bacon all the time. Now, no more bacon. I need a substitute. Guess what? I get myself an 8-ounce sirloin steak.

Okay. Season that bitch for breakfast, nice and thin. Come on, dog. I was going to say, if you switch to turkey bacon, I'm going to be pissed. Some sour-dough bread to take down that faggotry I got. What is that, gluten? Whatever. They told me I got to lighten up on the gluten last time.

You know? And then instead of getting, listen, I'm a rice pudding type of motherfucker. Yeah. Or I could get a corn muffin grilled with butter off the fucking grill in a diner. I could do that all day long. I can't. No. So I got to eat like a little fruit.

So on the way, I'll stop with a pale juice and get a tub of watermelon for three bucks. It's a cup. And not at least, Jesus Christ, I'm eating some fruit today. I don't. And it's killing me. But I have to stop with the Diet Coke. Because I notice something, like, especially at the airports. Like, I drink Diet Coke in my head because I'm like, oh, it doesn't have calories.

It has the caffeine, but every person you see drinking Diet Coke or Coke zero is fat. Every single, I was like, what is, like, every single one. You're better off just drinking a can of Coke. Half the time, because of the shit that's in Diet Coke, you're better off just drink one can of Coke. It breaks my heart. I don't know. Dude, I used to get anxiety.

Get this fucking water and start putting liquid IV sugar free. I do like liquid IV. Liquid IV is good. The fucking ring pop flavor, the cherry ring pop one. Sugar free? Come on, guys. I drank two of them before I go to bed. Tip top, we go in the morning.

But there's something in it that's a dick. I used to like literally have like a physical like anxiety. If I was, especially in L.A., if I was new, I didn't have Diet Coke at home, I'd have to stop. I can't not have Diet Coke at home. Like it's just, it was, it's crazy to me. And it's, I find myself drinking more. Like, if I'm drinking that versus anything else, I'll drink three Diet Coke, but I'll have one water.

Like, there's something in it that makes me want to drink more of it. And it's, I just know there's something in it. We started talking about this Diet Coke shit 10 years ago. I don't know why keep bringing it up. Once you quit, get back to me. I don't know how to do it. You know you can't drink this shit. You know you can't drink.

That's him. You're not a child. You're not eat. You're not mercy. They don't know. We can know. We fucking know. Yeah.

And at one point, you know, you got to go, you know what, I'm not drinking that no more. And that's it. I love orange juice in the morning. I know I can't get it every moment. It's a dose of sugar in you. In the morning, I'm a fat fuck. Quarter of all goes up. I drink, I open up with a big bottle up.

But I drink this shit, the coldest you could be. You want to enjoy water. Put some ice cubes in that glass. Not three or four. Fill up to the top. Okay. And drink that water real quick. You're going to go.

Oh. And then you can start filling up. You can't even breathe. That's how good that shit. And then I do a cup of coffee. See, I don't even, I like my water room temp. You like it cold? Like freezing cold.

Oh, I like it not cold. It's like when somebody gives you a beer, I want to, when I call you and I go, hey, Nick, I'm coming to your house. Do me a favor, bro. Put that beer, make it cold. Like I'm all, put it on the top shelf. I'll smack you in the fucking head with this thing. All right.

Go get some ice cubes. Put in a bucket. I don't care if it's a spackle. I'm not fancy. You fancy, huh? You, no, I'm not, I ain't fancy. So I don't give a fuck, but I'd rather that beer that I can't even grab it.

Right. Jesus, Nick, what the fuck? Oh, before you came, we cryotherapy that the whole fucking deal with a fucking cold gun. I don't give a fuck, make it cold. Because I know I won't taste it. Exactly. You won't taste it if it's really fucking cold. That don't work for me with milk.

I hate milk, no matter what. what let you put ice cream in it, blend it up, and a little fruit, then I'm very happy. But you find these alternatives. Bro, I love pizza. Yeah. But I know I either eat one slice or six or five and then two beef patties. You've seen me do it. Oh, yeah.

You saw me when we first moved here. We go to Krispy and we open up with two or three fucking meat patties. Then I would eat a couple slices and then finish off with another meat patty. And then carbels across the street. novel and then we go across street to Carvel. That's not normal. That's not normal. And I love food. Okay.

You told me what I think I should do? Mm-hmm. I'm not going to travel. I'm not going to do a stadium tour. Like this year we're doing artificial turf and next to know if I ain't got time for that. That's a lot of walking, you know what I'm saying? Into the abyss.

You're going into these cities, you don't know. If I tell you what makes me happy still, is going to a town, like when I used to go to Boston, you and I hit legal seafood first. Yeah, of course. I get my fix on legal seafood. I'm good. After that, listen, you could take the pictures of museums

and all that shit and show them up your ass, okay? There's some people that enjoy that. Not me. I'm resting for a show tonight. I'm bringing money home, so I got all time to jolt around with you. Let's go to a record store. I don't listen.

Enough. Order a record on Amazon. I don't need to go down there. You don't. No. That's what I love the most about stand-up. Is getting introduced to a city and then to like the favorite food of where those at and uncles go to. Yeah.

You know, and sometimes it's not, I'm not going to go to Kentucky and go to Ruth Chris. No. You know, you don't want to do that. So if I'm going to go over the top, like today, I want to eat light. Why? I'm going to Texas. What are you going to do? What are you going to happen the next street days?

Brisket, burgers, tacos. I don't do burgers. You know what burgers? Why would I go to Texas to eat a fucking burger? How much brisket can you eat? I don't eat that much briskette. I don't eat out. The last two or three times I haven't even gone barbecue.

I haven't gotten barbecue since I went down with you guys last April. Wow. So what do you get? Sometimes I go to Eddie V's and get a steak. Sometimes I go for sushi. Sometimes I go to Gus's. If I told you I once at Austin and got sushi, I'd be a 25 minute rent.

I know where you'd go. I know where you would go. You would go to a place where the fucking the jobs like half Korean. You know, he don't even know what the fuck he's doing because you want to save the two bucks. I'll take you to a place in Austin where they still got fucking,

they got that shit they got in LA. Really? That, uh, halibut. Is it a halibut? No, no, it's not how it. Whatever it is. you know, I go down there, sometimes I just get tacos. I need more Mexican than barbecue.

Like, if I go down there, first meal we get is Mexican. The taco's in. You got a spot at the hotel? This time I'm going to go to Chewys. I'm going back to the gutter. You got to get the queso. That's where it all started. The queso there is killed.

I had never had queso like that before. And the swirl margaritas in that motherfucker. Come on now. So I'd rather go for that. Because guys, what do I do for work? Talk. When do I do it? At night.

Okay. When are you going to go eat barbecue? If you go eat barbecue at two, then you go back to the room. Nap time and you wake up, you need three aftercellza and a bryosci. Whatever the fuck. Briotsky, whatever. Yeah. If I go at six, I got to go down on there with this brisket.

Tell them the size of the beef bone, Nick. It was like a, it was like a... Oh, the beef rib. I love that. That's like the Flintstones thing. $200 bone like this. Yeah. You know, if I eat that shit, which I want, even that night, we all went, and I was like, I'll do the brisk.

And at one point, I was like, that's it. No, you can't eat before you go on stage. Not like that. I don't enjoy it. Right. I don't enjoy it. And I'm wasting time because I'm going to be with six or seven people talking. So I'm wasting time.

So I'd rather not eat till afterward. Oh, because you're going to be hungry anyways. I love eating after a show. Yeah. Yeah. Food afterward. Put the whoop watch on. Next time you go on stage and do 20 minutes.

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Yeah. Oh, you've been saying that the calories are crazy. You don't even have to put in a setting. Just watch what it does to you. Watch how it went from 4.8 to fucking 115. And all you did was 30 minutes. You're like, what the fuck? You're working up there.

Have you ever, have you had the whoop on when you bombed? Is it different when you're bombing? I don't fucking know, Lee. I don't know. I sweat when I bomb. All right. Talk about this bomb. I don't want to talk about that bomb.

Talk about the bomb with the trannies. Go ahead. tell us because I knew you weren't. No, I was asking about who. You're like this guy about ice ages. I was asking about whoop. I didn't even bring it up. But yeah, I didn't have, since you asked.

I had one of the worst sets of my life. It was just, it was hysteria. But I honestly wasn't going to tell. I was just asking you if the calories are more when you're bombing. I'd be interested to know. Who the fuck knows? I don't know. Maybe a heart rate, but that's not part of the story.

Tell them the story about the bombing at the, It was just a show. I've been thinking about after it happened. I wasn't really even that upset because it was just that bad. And I've been thinking because you had a time when you were doing too many, like you said yes to too many things. And the people who run the show were very nice. They listened to the podcast.

But it was like it was the wrong. I'm not really a macho guy or like a, but like they just opened the show with one guy was wearing earrings and had his fingernails painted and talked about saying the F word, but the F word is friendly. And it was just a lot of snaps. And then the person, two before me was this transgender woman

who looked like me if I was 60 years old and had brought up. It was a man, but it was trying to be a woman. It was, yeah, they were trans. And they opened up with like a 10-minute song about being trans and then did like 20 minutes.

Like, they had to play her off. Like on the Tonight Show or the Oscars. I think it wasn't a bomb before we move any further. You were in the wrong motherfucking place. Yeah. So here's my question to you. They said they opened up their set with, I have a lot to say about trans people.

And as a comedian, I opened up my set with, hey, Fran, I have a lot to say about trans people too. in my head that was going to be I knew it was 50-50 but as a comedian I just felt like I had to do it I applaud you for that I just and I wasn't going to say anything negative if you know me but like I knew I shouldn't have

opened with it but it was like the first word out of my mouth and from the from that point on they just next time either way I just got to talk to you about a lot of trin anything they're going to freeze up and go I don't worry about it I got an uncle who's a trans I learned you know just say you have a relative now that's a trans and they won't take it that bad.

You have a cousin that's a little fucked up. That's what you should say. I got a cousin a little fucked up. But it's, there was something in the air that night because then I went to another club and I saw some guy do 20 minutes to just silence. It was, but I don't know, some bombs are bad. And I was sweating the whole time. So I definitely think you do burn more calories.

But it was probably one of the worst sets I've had in two to three years. It was almost, there was the, the, set at the original dojo where there was a trans person who used to go to Kill Tony at the store a lot. Very hot, like a hot trans person. And I opened up, the comic before me was fucking with her and she was liking it. And I opened up my set with like, you ladies are fucking up. The hottest chick in here has a dick. Everyone else loved it.

She said I looked like Danny DeVito and threw a pepperoni at me. But it was, it's. I don't know. Some of some bombs I get upset about, but I had a great weekend. I got to do, I had like a real New York comedy weekend. I did five sets in two days,

which makes me understand why you're moving to Austin. Because going from like walking 10, 15 minutes between sets, going upstairs, downstairs, taking the train half an hour, I was fucking tired. It's a lot. Yeah. People have no idea.

Even if you have to drive. Uh-huh. You have to just drive and park and then fuck. I'm parking two feet from a fucking meter or whatever the fuck to a fire hydrant. Then you got to walk and then you got to go in there and people talk to you. It's a lot of energy taking. That's why I'm lazy. I'm an old gentleman.

So I want to do two spots in one place. Yeah. That Tuesday I have an opportunity to do four spots. In one building. In one building without fucking leaving. Yeah. The same. shit I had at the store.

I'm a creature of habit, number one, and I'm very lazy. I'm lazy as a motherfucker. Yeah? And if it's between me driving all over God's creation, I just want to do spots, but I like it when you could do two or three in one night. I've always liked that. Oh, that's the best.

It's maybe two there and one down the corner, but not two there, and I've got to get in the car and drive all the way to Pasadena. I'm dead by the time I get to Pasadena. Right. Ten o'clock show. I've done it. I've done all that shit, you know, but you do what you can do.

Yeah, but it's, it is, it definitely is fun, but it's also, like I did three, I did, I think, 25 minutes out of the, or something like that, but it's, and I love New York and I'm not talking shit about it. But it, my dream is not to be like a New York comic. My dream is to be, is to be on the road selling out clubs. That's like, because I love. doing the long like the longer sets those like by by the end of the third set it was after midnight and it was a great i had it was honestly my best show of the night probably but like i didn't i didn't do material because it wasn't worth it it was it but it was i don't know there's something about those five Thursday through Saturday club weekends and it's just my favorite i don't know

it's it's so much fun it's my favorite very good But here we go. You know what I'm saying? Listen, everybody has different things going on in their lives. 35 years of doing this shit. I did that for a long time. Stuff pops up in your life and you're like,

all right, I can't do that now. And it's fine because I always paid my dues. And you have to pay yours. Whether it's nine years or 20 years to you hit, you know, I mean, right now in the last four conversations we've had, The last two weeks you're very consumed with tickets. I'm going to get that off your fucking sleep. Get that.

That's one thing you're worrying about that you can't control. You could put a flyer up, you could do something else, and then pray for the rest. But if you're thinking that it's going to triple in time, it takes time. I still remember doing 75 tickets for like a year. Then I went to 150. Then I put 200 seats in New York. Wow.

Okay. Now we're cooking. Then I went to Rochester and sold 90 tickets. But you start somewhere and you just, I can't worry about that right now. And once you don't worry about it, that's when it happens. It's not, this is a weird business and it's even weirder now. Nothing is fucking guaranteed. People will tell you, you know, Ron Taylor and killed Tony and then what if you do it?

You kill and nothing happens. Oh, man. Okay, so these are the things you have to worry about when you're doing this thing. What lacks now is the ability you're doing a Saratoga Comedy Festival. Now, it's nowhere near the Montreal. No, I don't even know. You have to figure out a way to make that Montreal when you promote it. Okay.

Like that exciting and important. Okay. Because that is important to you. Yeah. Because now you have something to work off. Hey, he was just at the Saratoga, fucking. from Comedy Festival and he killed. It may not be something, but it is nothing.

For me, it was Denver, Denver, Denver, Denver, feature act, feature act, feature act. I went to Seattle and I did that festival. I did the comedy competition festival. As much I didn't like any of that shit is one of the best things I did in my career. It introduced me to eight and nine different comics from different regions.

Now when I would work that region the first time I had somebody to stay with, I hadn't know what to offer them in Seattle. a tent. Oh, they could sleep in my car, you know? Right. Seattle was real important to me because they told me I would not do well because of my material.

This is 1996, guys. Well, 95 was the first time I did it. 95. 96, I ate a bag of dick. But 95 was a heavy core. It was like Aisha and that black kid, the kidney who didn't have kidneys. we called him the kidney Floyd Oh Jesus

That motherfucker I didn't know where he came You ever go like go to a try out All right You ever go to a trial And you're like I know who's trying out Coco from North Bergen This guy from Fort Lee

But then you get to the trial And there's a dude slamming there You've never seen before And you're like dog Where are you from? He's like North Pergin Where are you from North Pergin? I've never seen you at my parents

sent him they worked down the shore So every day I go down the Ocean's Academy me. I'm an all-American. All-American? Who invited you to this fucking thing? I was already starting. I was going to say, yeah. I was already starting. Me walking in the ham is starting. When I went to that Seattle, the same thing. I'm going up against all local guys and maybe some guys from Sam Fran that I know. When I got there, that was motherfuckers. I never even saw

before. You're like, so that plan you have, like, I was supposed to, if I were to place the first night. I came in like 13th out of 15. And I'm telling you this is a fact. I went home that night furious. Of course. There was no Coke, snorten. There was nothing. I had to flip it around. Then the second night, I placed like third. So now I knew I was in this competition. I made it to six. That's good. I got beat by Aisha Taylor. So I didn't ever felt that bad, but I felt great. Now, to me, to you, that was nothing. But to me, when all those bookers from Seattle were at different nights. So you had the book is from Portland, the book is from Oregon.

You had the bookers from San Francisco. So now when I would call them, I'd say, hey, oh, I would just make a flyer up. I didn't even know how. My girlfriend would make it up for me, and I'd go to Kinko's and fax it to everybody. Took six in the San Francisco Comedy Effect. So now you have something to work off. Right. But you can't expect things to happen when you're not working or something.

Because it's not like my phone. When I open up my phone, I can find three comedy sets there. When I open up Instagram? Yeah. Comedy sets, people playing the drums, this chubby chick dancing. You know, so I got to compete against this. I'm not even competing against, and I'm competing against this, exactly. There went your fucking, that show that you destroyed at, that's how fast.

Oh, yeah. It's gone in three seconds. I got a Michael Jackson impersonator. You know, this killed Tony with car, this chick with big tits. Where are you going? Where the fuck are you going? Hi. It's great to be here tonight.

You're right? So we're banking too much on that. That should be more for like specific fucking dates. Zero down on them, you know, I wouldn't, like I told everybody a month ago, I wouldn't put up stand up anymore. Doesn't matter. And if it is, they're all talking to the audience and it's brilliant. Yeah, it's just it's hard, I don't know.

It's hard to know what's going to bring people out. Well, I gave you a recipe a while ago. That was very easy, very doable. It was the same concept. You promote a comedy special every 90 days, 13 minutes, 8 minutes. And then write a blog with it. That's how Josh Johnson blew up. He does five minutes a week.

Well, I've been telling you this for years Because you're always putting something out every 90 days To me, Nick and George, that might be an asswife But it's big to you as you're doing it Yeah You get a nice YouTube page to premiere that You know, stream party Even if you get four people, what do you give a fuck?

But again, if you stream, what are you going to go That joke I wrote when I was in the bathroom with Chi Chi So why stream it? Right. Why, you know. Yeah, I totally get what you're saying. this is what you sell of it. When you call me,

hello, hi, Joey Diaz, yeah. Listen, man, I heard you're an agent. You can help me on the road. Who gave you my number? Nick Astley said to call you that. You're great. Yeah, Nick's a good guy. How can I help you?

I'm doing a spot tonight. It's short notice, but I'm doing a spot tonight at the improv. Eight o'clock. A bunch of people are going to be there. I can send you the faxes with whatever with who's confirming and shit

that guy don't show up my kid's sick I don't know but if I have a minute I'll swing down that means he ain't coming so the next day your first call is to that guy hey man I didn't see you last night I wanted to say goodbye to you before you left

he didn't come but I wanted to say goodbye to you and ask you what you thought or whatever Lee I didn't make it last night Oh, how did it go anyway? It was great. Roddy Dangerfield showed up. Chappelle showed up with the Supremes. You just start lying.

Right. Who didn't show up? Elvis was there. Elvis came into two fucking minutes last night. And, bro, you're building something with people. Mm-hmm. And you're going to be calling 10 people a day to tell them this ramp. And two years are going to sign with a complete different agent.

They weren't even part of the 10. But at least they got. Now when you hit, they'll talk to you when they see you. Hey, how you doing? Your agent walks away. You and him. Oh, my God. Call me out of the side.

I may have something for you. That's what you get. At least they know you exist. How do you, because you're talking about the competition. I had my first spot at a, like a specific club this weekend. And I was,

I did really well. I was happy with it. But I felt more nervous than I felt in a while. Like when you have a big set, like a competition or an audition, how do you handle like the nerves that aren't there for like a regular set?

It's all good joint. go to the fucking thing that works. Sometimes the joint makes you a little bit more fucking. But the joint really helps you? That would help you calm down? You won't be. It's like you. You're a fucking Jew.

You know, you're thinking about numbers all the time. There ain't no numbers. There ain't no numbers. So why think about it? Focus on what's going to get you to the next thing. You're a Jew. I made an observation. I knew you 12 years.

I made an observation when we went to gamble last time. You were high as fucking. and you were ripping 20s and 50s out of that wallet. Like there was no tomorrow. You ended up winning $1,100, $1,200. Yeah, that was fun. Usually you lose $200. I'm going to my room.

Then he goes upstairs. He goes deep in the sock. And there's like 60. And he'll tell you the next day. How'd you sleep? I went up and took a nap, and then I went downstairs about 4 a.m. And I went 80 back.

You know, and you're like, this is who he is. But if he would have gave it a break, he lost two. Put another two down. You lose that two, then, you know, You need to go upstairs and take a shower and take the voodoo off you. It's not your night.

It's not your night, but you used to give up at two. And then try to get it back with like these little interval runs and they take you back. You need to just smoke a joint. Okay. So as you're walking, you're talking to the black dealers, get some extra fives. You could tip them, throw it up in the air.

You know, yip, yep, all right. As a matter of fact, a Jew will never throw money up in the air. No. There's not a Jew in America that you'll ever see at a festival thrown up and shit. They don't go to strip clubs, right? Only are the seeds.

Go to strip clubs because they're horny motherfucker. But my point being that it's like me, I'm susceptible to stupidity. I'm no better than you. But when I smoke a joint, I can look at it more and go, okay, it's just part of what we are now. Nothing you could do. Nothing you could talk to them.

There's nothing you could do anymore. They're way beyond that. So. Okay. That's it. Like, do you still get nervous at all? Yeah. Yeah?

And I get nervous a week out. Really? You're nervous? Oh, yeah. Come on, guys. About what? Like, what makes you nervous? I don't have no material.

I got to dig up this fucking material now. But I've been doing a lot better lately. Yeah. Because I finally got a separate notebook. And I'm going back to writing like I used to write. I didn't think, you know, I just get embarrassed about telling stories anymore. So I want to do rapid-fire material, but I'll get 20 jokes out of a story. Yeah.

So why would you be embarrassed about telling stories? I don't know. I want to evolve a little bit. I want to be like John Mullaney, you know. You love making things harder for yourself. You say you're lazy, but then you like, I've never met anybody who throws out their material quicker than you. You'll do working on something for three weeks. I'm done with it.

That's all. That's it. I didn't like where it was going. Oh, but even if it's doing, it could be your clothes. You're like, eh, it's. You love making, so you're trying to switch it up? Okay. And talk more of what's going on with me.

What's going on with me at this age? How am I adjusting? Like what I was telling you guys earlier, it's lonely at the top. Yeah. It's lonely in Central Jersey. How are you feeling about the move to Austin? It's not a move. Dog, I've been getting these calls lately.

And all I want to say is, it's really sad. It's really fucking sad. That's all you want. About what? What's sad? I get so many things sent at me. I got an interesting call from a kid who's like my brother. He is my brother on paper.

Pete Palsanna. And we're talking to goes, the reason I'm calling you is, I just want to wish you good luck, whatever you decide. I go, Pete, what are he talking? He goes, look, aren't you and the wife breaking up? I go, Pete, who told you that? And he goes, a bunch of guys said that you and her are getting divorced and you're moving to Austin. I never said that.

Mm-hmm. This is why I tell you that people are stupid and you cannot feed these people because they take one scenario and turn. Can you imagine somebody just saying that? Well, and then he thought, oh, you're moving to Austin. No. I've said it a thousand fucking times. It's a week a month. It's 97 degrees down there right now.

People are fucking melting. What makes you think? The answer I just told you, I could deal with a heat for a block. Right. Then I'm walking into the best air conditioning in the world. It has been, I saw something on Twitter that was really disturbing. Oh, boy. About me that somebody had just made up.

Oh, I think about you? There was a video going on. Joey's moving to Austin because he's broke. that lying me who's idiot now I could take these guys and sue him for harassment whatever that's called defamation defamation

you know you should do somebody I'm about to because I don't mind if you tell the truth about me but don't fucking say a lie like I'm moving to Austin because I'm broke

but he's half retarded anywhere that kid who gets a second apartment when they're broke I always said to you I can't go to my wife listen I live in a very I got a great relationship, but my wife or a team. Before I make a decision, I go to my wife.

We discuss it because she hits me from the non-hor perspective. I'm a comedy whore. She's the one that goes, and what are you doing with this? And what are you going to do with this? And remember, that costs money too. And the license and all this shit. And you're like, wow, okay. What was the question?

You were saying that someone said something about you and, like, you're getting ready to sue them? He was moving because I was broke. Yeah. I'm going back to get an allowance from Joe Rogan. I'm looking at this going, wow, wow. This is all fairy tale. Dude, it is, but how great would it be to get an allowance?

Wouldn't you love that? No, he's not my father. I'm not saying Rogan specifically, but if someone was going to pay you to go somewhere. Nobody's going to give me dick. I got a fat ass. I'm 63. My ass smells like fucking condoms. Dents milk.

Ain't nobody giving me nothing no more. Knock it off. I'm just saying that. There's some people are writing some fucked up shit on Twitter. I'm like, I can attack them. But you know what? If your life is that fucking pathetic, there's nothing I could do.

I can't help you. Twitter, I got to be honest, I kind of abandoned, like Twitter's kind of weird now. There's 800,000 people on there. I got to fuck around with them a little bit. and they've always been good to me, Twitter. It's a little retarded, a bunch of ads, but that's all of them.

Yeah. That's fucking all of them. So knock it off. That's all of them. All of them are fucking retarded. You sit there and you can't believe people are typing this shit. And you're like, what's on your mind? Yeah.

That's what Twitter, Facebook asks you, right? Right, yeah, yeah. What's on your mind? Why are you putting a picture up of you with six fat chicks, eating fucking white castles down the shore. Three of them are Italian because they got that ravioli heel from the dust, the ravioli dust. You know when they throw the dust on it before they cut it?

Yeah? Flower on there. I saw a chick there and a pizza place. I went to Carlos. Okay. To get spaghetti and meat balls. Spaghetti and meat sauce. And I saw a chubby Italian chick that was hot.

But she was just chubby and her fucking heel. Because I always look at the heel. If there's dirt on it, I'm in. But if it's clean, I'm in. But if it's got that shield of dirt, old foot. And she had like that old foot. But it's been like she had a feet and flour all day. I'm like, pass.

I couldn't even check her out. No. Do you have a thing for feet? Huh? Do you have a thing? Because you've talked about women's feet for a little while. You want a day the chick that's got at least pretty fucking feet. Once they got that monongong gone coming out over here, I'm out.

I'm out. I don't want to see that. That Hammondon time. The Oschwitz toe? Like Eddie Murphy said, yeah. You know, a girl should have a beautiful foot. It's not like I'm going to suck on them. That's disgusting.

But they're nice to look at. Would you ever do anything with you? Like, would you ever get a pedicure to help out? I'm not thinking put colors on. I'm too embarrassed. When they look at that fungal toenail, those Chinese people could figure out of Rubik's Cube. They're going to look at my fungi toenail.

They're going to be stuck. Atawa. A tawa. When they say atahua, this is all, it's not going to be good. I've done a couple of them. Three or four Chinese chicks come to look at the same now. You know what I'm saying? You're saying?

They kick you out. They don't like me because my foot won't stop like moving whenever they're trying to like cut my toes. I don't like you because of your foot. They see your foot and they go, what's that Hoshwitz foot? Hoshwitz foot. Look at it. I really did cut to the game.

It's got coal on the bottom from the burning from the oven. the whole fucking thing. Oh my God. I've never thought about my Auschwitz foot that much. Holy shit. He's got a tremendous Auschwitz foot. You can't shoot that thing when he plants. You ain't going nowhere.

He's as strong as a bull. You wouldn't tell me to just poke people with it. Like when I did a couple of Jiu-Gitza tournament, you're like just hit them with the Auschwitz toe. Oh, that Auschwitz toe is solid. It's like a stick with a rock on the end. You can hit stuff with his toe is like solid. I don't know what it is.

They do the thing where they like grind it. I love it and dust comes out. Yeah. You take that dust to sniffing and I'll bring it to it and roll it in the joint. You won't even know it. You don't say, what kind of weed was that? It's the good stuff. You did come with some pre-rolled joints today, I think, didn't you?

Not pre-rolls, but you rolled them. I rolled them. What did you put in them? Nothing. They were clean, Bobby. You say that, but then you break it out six months later that I smell. We that fell in the toilet. Well, then why he bothered me now?

That's been six months. What fuck you torture me now for you? You're fucked. Oh, my God. What else is going on, dude? Rough weekend for Uncle Joey this weekend. Oh, yeah? I was like, Wednesday started off weird.

I had a drive before I drove three and a half hours. Try to drive like an hour and a half before the three even fucking started. I was supposed to leave at 11. They had me wait until fucking 3.30. the prescription. And then I shot down there, got there on time. The game was done. We went to eat the first night.

It was fucking good, guys. I went to it, like, everybody was sending me to this bar food shit. It's never going to happen. A hamburger. You fucking kill me with those fucking hamburgers. So we went to this place. I opened up with the crab. I was going to say you had to get crab in the mail.

Cream of crab soup was off the chain. The clams was so bad. They forgot to put garlic in the, the bitches you know what I'm saying so you dip the bread in the broth and it was like oh Jesus but the seafood risotto one of the best I ever had nice shrimp crab stuff everything but they chopped up the pieces and put them in the rice and then they also garnished it with clams and muscles and all that shit they're pretty heavy duty and dessert he brings a little pound cake with a shot of vodka with a shot of rum and you pour it on the fucking thing and they just melts in that sounds fucking good

And so the drive was rough or what was rough? Just being down there, you know, I got the, I don't pay attention to things. It's not my world. I don't pay attention. I go there as a, just go there to support my daughter. I don't say a word. I don't judge umpires. I don't say shit.

I get so fucking high. I put sunglasses on. And I just sit there and enjoy the game and watch the girls hit. But this week was kind of. weird, like, she had the game of her life. Like, I never saw a play a game like this. Then he benched her for the two games after that. And then it was a tournament.

Now, I'm a fucking student of Red Orbach. If you're going to do something, Red Allback will call 92 timeouts to make you think about it. My daughter was batting sixth or seventh. And the two girls in front of her always got to put the, it was like, bah, bah, like three hits. I saw the, I saw the pitch of the game. girl even put her hands up with a glove. I'm like mercy.

In my mind, I'm like mercy. She's off balance. She's doing it all wrong. When you clock him. He calls a timeout to switch the pitcher to run. There's no outs. Let the fucking girl run. She's a tank this girl.

And then on top of that, once the guy goes, yeah, yeah. How's your wife doing? They would have like an eight-minute conversation. Now the girl's cold. Another girl's called. Now everybody settled. Now everybody regrouped. You don't want them to regroup.

That's part of the offense, man. Put on the gas. And I'm a retard, and I know this shit. And after, like, the third one, I just called him a fucking cock sucker. Yeah, you know me, Doug. The coach? Yeah, the Cuban comes out, and I'm sorry.

And my daughter got mad at me, my wife got mad at me. I had to start yelling at my daughter. I got into it with my wife. I said, fuck it. I went to eat dinner with Mike Ronnie, and I got in the car and came home Friday night. That was that how quick, quick.

Because I knew I was going to say, something the next day. So before I get myself in a felonious situation, especially in a different state where I don't know anybody, I might as well just go home. That's exactly what I didn't. How long was the anger brewing? It was brewing inside of me for a few weeks.

Oh, okay. But not at them at all. No, no, no. I always got something going on to fuel me. You know what I'm saying? Like something to make me mad. Remember that time in the fourth grade? That kid stole your bicycle.

God damn it. You know, I'm one of those idiots. And it's, oh, my God. At the time George came over and ate all the coconut mounds. Like not three of them, he ate all of them. I can't say nothing to them. Ten years ago? For years, I look at those, every time I go to CVS and see a mounds,

and I'm not saying George did this, I'm just giving you an example. Right. Of what you drag around you sometimes. It's the dumbest shit. And I was just mad at everything last week. And I had to drive down there, and now my fucking daughter's getting tortured. Now I hadn't spoken to her before. that incident. After we cleaned up our house, I said, let me talk to you while I was mad.

And she looked at me, she goes, Dad, I was about to hit him with the bat. He did this three times in a row. The timeout or whatever? I don't even know the rules and I don't care, but, and I don't want them to fuck with a confidence, bro. And then the coach don't know this. The other guy, oh, we're back to fucking white man, no man. Lee, talk to the coach. Tell him to start. Oh, you don't, how about you? Talk to, oh, you don't know. Then there's a girl there that's torturing all of them.

She calls them out. She told them last week, don't tell me what the pitch. She told the coach that? Yeah, from now on I pitch what I pitch. And she's great. This girl runs like Clemente. It's like fucking Clemente. She hit one out of the park on Saturday.

Really? She's a big girl, 15. She's a star. And what, do you, set the pick or went, like, was the coach, like, far away, and you yelled at him and said you're a cocksucker? No, I was sitting right. I was sitting right. That's home plate right there.

Okay. Come over here and say something to the arm. And once he started talking to the yelp about pizza or something like that, dog, that was my trigger. I said, here you go, cock sucker again. He just looked at me and went into the fucking thing. You have to take more. You have to take more edibles next time. Huh?

You have to take more edibles next time. I didn't take any. I was smoking dope with three hands. Oh, that's the problem. But I had that gunpowder. Trust me. What's the gunpowder? You haven't tried the gunpowder yet.

You're just saving it for a fucking rainy day. You got a smoking the pipe. Really? Yeah, don't work good on papers. Okay. But it's it thin, so it goes right in your lungs as you're smoking it. So you don't want to do that. Okay.

Who's hot? I've never called. I would love to call someone a cock sucker. And she got mad at me. I went to get dinner with Mike Ronnie. On the way back, I said, you know what? I'm going upstairs and grabbing my shit. I want to go home and take a breather from all this for a day or two.

It's just too much for Uncle Joey. Do you, like, are you finding your, like, are you a protective father, do you think? Overprotective? But there was a doubt. The bed was a nightmare. We had two beds in our room, both of them. My wife was waking up crooked. I woke up one day, took me an hour to get all the Jesus pose because I fell asleep with

this arm like this, bro. This arm was Bob Dole and this one was Jesus. I got up, bro, I had to drink two cups of coffee and shit. Took me like a half hour to get in the car. I was not, I could not move, my knee hurt, you know, the bed was a fucking nightmare at this Best Western. Oh, a Best Western. That's where the team had to stay.

And for tournament rules, if you don't stay at that whole, You got to pay 900 bucks to the tournament to stay at a different hotel. What? How's that one for you? Dog, it's a business. It's a business, guys. Your travel to, I thought, I'm surprised you didn't just go to the truck. Your truck could have a little mattress in the back.

900 bucks to stay at the hotel of your choice. Fuck you. It's a business, guys. Yeah. I didn't even know. My wife pays like $4,000 a year. For softball? Damn.

A lot of fucking. fucking money. We were growing up. We just showed up. Like 60 bucks. They gave you a shirt. You paid for cleats. Everybody was happy.

And the North Bergen gave you, let's say you ran track for the high school. They gave me track sneakers. You go to Lebeys and say, listen, they don't fit. But while I'm here, let me get to prepare cleats. And they're like, okay,

it adds up. Are they pushing it as like a college thing for her already? I'm not talking about shit. It just. So why is it $4,000? Because they got extra coaches in there. The wreckers are nightmares. Daddy ball.

What is it? Oh, okay. Okay. With this, you have coaches that are in a, their daughters don't play on the team. They get like a basic little salary for, you know, nothing. You probably get like 50 bucks a week, I'm assuming. Right.

You know, when I did the Rogan podcast last time, Brendan Schaub was talking about the amount of money those organizations make. Yeah. And there's one organization that makes as much money as the NFL. There's one in the Midwest he was talking about. For like baseball and stuff? Yeah.

it's a lot of money, man. And I saw it on 60 minutes, but it's more towards the Midwest. Kentucky, when you land in Kentucky, after 10 minutes, you'll see a softball field. It's not a softball field. It's the fields, plural. Stadium.

It's 10 of them in one thing. And that's all they do all weekend. It's a specialty thing. Yeah. That's all they do all weekend. Well, I mean, I'm sure you know. But, like, it's, people will spend an unlimited,

amount of money on their kids and on their pets. So I'm sure parents get taken advantage of and I'm not saying this one isn't worth it. I'm sure it's a great team and a great whatever. She's come a long way with this team. Right. And that's what all those kids need at that age. Not some practice with a part-time driller.

He don't know anything about baseball. And he comes in, what's going to make him do hit to the outfield. Left field, second bait. The guy's striking out himself. He can't hit a fucking ball. You know, so that's what you get. Right. They don't correct you for them.

correct how you run. They don't do anything. You know, you want that, you got to pay for it. That's how that goes now. And it's okay. It's okay. I don't get angry at all. It's just, it's become a business.

Kid Sports is a business like everything fucking else. Yeah. And as long as you know that going in, it don't bother you that much. What if you, like, commentated for her thing? Set the fuck up. All right. I don't want to commentate. I have enough time fucking being me.

I got to go on there and comment. Just stream for softball games. And then you can say what you can call him a cock sucker on there? No, I don't want to know that stuff. Lee, it's about her. It's not about me. Right. When I go down there, it's not to take pictures, not to be cool.

It's to watch my daughter play. It's not to talk to people. Oh, my God, I just got back from Fiji. Nobody gives a fuck. Sit down. Sit the fuck down. These parents work for a living. And you want to pull up and talk about Fiji and the water.

You know, I'm just a regular guy, man. That's all I ever want to be. I go to those things religiously, and I'm out there. There's no bodyguard. There's no eight friends with furs on, like LeBron James, to take to your son's game.

I know I am. No. I just want to watch you get happy. I don't care about all this. Even if she sucked, as long as she loved doing it when you're a kid, that's what it's all about, man. It's not about all the other shit.

So, you know. Is she having fun? Fuck, yeah, she has fun. She seems like she's taking it seriously. She takes a shot. I asked that, they go, you want to do, since there's no softball in August, you want to do two training sessions in August? She's like, hell no.

I barely want to do that one a week, but I know I got to stay in shape. She wants to take August off. Yeah. Come up north a few days. You know, kids are kids. They don't have what we had. We didn't have a vacation. We just all met by the park at fucking 11.30.

And you were out till 10th. Right. Down by me, you can't do. that. There's a bunch of places that you can't do that no more. You know, that that shit don't exist. Yeah. And speaking of like what you had

and I know your mom, I've heard stories about your mom, but like now it probably scared people that you called the coach a cocksucker. Back when you were playing basketball, what were parents saying to the coach and to the ref? We were talking about the other day. When I saw Mike Ronnie called a ref over, there was

a fence that's in County Park and they had just finished the game. And he walked off. I was sitting in the little bleachers there. It's the field of the Martians landed on the corner there. And I saw Mike Ronnie walk and he stopped and he called the ref over. The ref even thought he was going to say good game. Mike Wrennie spit in his face right through the fucking fence, bro. I saw one of the funniest things I ever heard was when Colangelo came up here at first and he played football, but he didn't know North Bergen's system. He was out of for so long.

He didn't know the North Bergen system. So at first, they were putting them in towards the end of the games. And there's one story that the coach, I forget his name. He can went up to Dennis. He goes, Dennis, you're going in with like three minutes left.

Dennis was like, you put your mother in. I'm not playing no more. I'm done for the day. He took himself out. Oh, my God. Put your mother in, he told him. Put your mother in the game. I've been sitting here all game.

You want to come get me now? Go tell you, fuck. told your mother, I think the guy went and said something to your grandpa. Your grandpa just laughed. That's Dennis. What are you going to do, dog? Right. There was a thousand of those fucking things.

They didn't have told you in the eighth grade we want to kill our basketball coach because he hated Spicks. I told you this. And I had eight savages that were willing to chop his head off and throw him on Route 3 and blame it on the ice man. Didn't you have something with like a ref where like you told someone that he was calling fouls on you? Yeah, yeah.

That's a fucking classic. classic shit, man. We were walking home one day. We were like 0 and 7 that year. In McKinley. I was in the 7th grade. We were horrible. Chuckie was the only thing we had.

And he was short and they would tackle him and shit. And on the way home, no, on the basketball, as we're shaking hands, I see my friend Anthony go, hey, I forget the guy's name. Hey, because I'll see you at the family stuff. I pulled him a cycle. What did you say?

He goes, that's, That's our cousin. I go, that's your cousin? And he keeps calling fouls on us. What type of cousin is that? So the next game, he filed out Anthony and Anthony yelled at him or something. Fuck you or something like that. So I go, Anthony, let's just go home and tell your father what happens.

And I'll never forget. We go over there and Carmine's actually eating dinner with the fucking thing on. I'll never forget that. And we sit down and we're like, tell him, Anthony. Yeah, cousin Bobby keeps calling me out and foul. He goes, cousin who? And he ripped this thing off. He wiped his hands.

And he got on the phone. Hey, Carmine, listen, you call him a foul on my son again. I'll fucking break your neck. You're sitting there going, holy shit. And then when he died, I called Frankie Balzano. I go, Frankie. I was awake. And he goes, a lot of people.

And I forget what his name. I go, the cousin would ever come? He goes, no, that's weird. He didn't come. I wonder what happened. I go, let me tell you what happened, because you weren't living in the house then. I told him the story.

Frankie was older. He had a girlfriend, so he had moved out. But that's the type. Coaches were all, except like Maddie Sobello, your grandpa, nobody even, because it was total disrespect. If you went off on his grandpa, you were going to catch a beating

from one of his fucking savages. And he had, like, people that were loyal to him. Right. They'd kill for him. these people weren't normal. They were like half retarded. They had to walk up the hill backward and shit. But they would kill.

They were his enforcers. I'm dead serious about that. I'm dead serious about that. There's one guy that didn't take a shower all summer before his senior year. And then he decided he wasn't going to take a shower until Iran conflict was over. I still remember seeing him at the lunch on the lunchroom. And he would have mud on his fucking ankles from the day before practice. Oh, no.

You cannot write this shit. But it was a different world. And, you know. So comparatively, you're kind of reserved. What do you mean? Like, just calling him a cock sucker quietly. I'm sure. I think I had it out with reading a couple times.

But besides that, I always pay attention to coaches. And I give them respect, you know? You have to give them respect. Even though they're fucking moops. Right. You know, the guy can't make a fucking layup. But he's talking to you about Will Chamberlain. You know what I'm saying?

What are we getting out of here, Tarzan? Right. That's fucked up. So, you know, you just have to have to grow up myself a little bit and not take it so personal. You know, because I drove three and a half hours. That's not 30 minutes. There was a family that he didn't play the daughter for the first three games. Damn. They were going to go home.

They're like, what I come here for? I get it, man. So this is shit. This is all part of the softball life. And I'm not a part of it. I'm just a spectator. And I'm happy with it. I don't need to be up her ass or that's not what I want to do.

And she wouldn't like me if I did. No. But I, I'm just, I have to, we've talked about it. But I just, I love when people actually speak their mind because I, I don't. And the idea of you telling the coach, he's talking about pizza, the refty call him a cock sucker, which is honestly kind of mild for, even for you. Like, you didn't even, you don't mean like an actual cogg sucker. I meant that how I meant to leave. There's no, when somebody calls you a cock sucker, you're a cock sucker.

There's no two ways of looking about it. And I shouldn't have gone to it that way or whatever, but I just had had enough last week. I just wanted the week to fucking end. And that's what happens sometimes. I have no patience. Do you like the drive at all? Yeah, I fucking enjoyed it.

I'll do it again, backwards tonight if you like. Please, three and a half hours in the car. Yeah, this fucking guy asks the creepiest question. Did you like the drive? You used to like driving. Huh? We've talked about it with the music. Yeah, but not three and a half hours.

No? No, two is good. You don't get like any snacks for a road trip and just fucking... I didn't even stop. You're just furious? I didn't even pee on the way down. No. And usually when I drive, I don't pull into a service station.

I pull to the side of the road and I open up the passenger door and I open up the back door and I take my dick out. There's no service station, none of that shit. I brought two things of water. I brought a half a joint and a vapor pen in the car. What do we want me to do? Were you puffing it on the way down? Fuck, yeah, I was stoned.

I got this vapor pen that girl gave me. Yeah? It's like a thousand milligrams. It's got everything in there. You got a headache, too, but you got eyes a motherfucker. Mix it with a little reefer. So that's it. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

I love it, dude. I'm just excited. I got some dates. I'm doing Long Island. January 23rd, the Paramount Theater. Nice. Tickets are going on sale Wednesday for Milwaukee, Wisconsin at the Riverside Theater. Mix it up with Chicago.

I thought it was, I thought we had a breather. It's the next night. So, but then we'll be on a plane Saturday morning. Yeah. It's a quick drive. Yeah. And you got a couple of shows coming out. Yeah, we got the Brooklyn Improv on the 5th, Atlantic City.

then I go to Boston, then I go to Atlanta, shoot a movie, then I go back to Austin to hopefully get this fucking apartment. And then I'm going to start my residency in Austin probably. I'm not to probably be down there, like the first week of September getting furniture and stuff. I got to get like a couch, a fucking bed. You know, I don't know what to do this shit.

So I got to hire, like, Red Band or somebody to help me. I would love have Red Band furnished your apartment. And he'd put Pac-Man things up there. I don't give a fuck. Wendy's signs. Well, his apartment is beautiful. I'm sure it is. It's beautiful.

It's right upstairs. So it's fucking gorgeous. Are you going to fuck with him and leave stuff at his door? Yeah, I don't know. I just want to go down there. Listen, man, I really like, listen, to really grow at comedy, you can't, I can't maintain with one workout a week? Like right now, if I went to the doctor and he goes, Joey, this hurts.

Can you just do one workout a week? Mm-hmm. I could do that. I cannot do zero workouts. a week. But with comedy, it's different. You can do a set a week or two at an open mic that's shitty, but at the same time, the way to really grow is to go a couple nights in a row. You have to. Or three shows on one night and try the joke two different ways. Maybe you threw it up front and it sucked. Let me put it in the middle. It sucks in the middle too. The third show,

I'll put it at the end. It sucks. It's gone. For me to really grow, I need a couple of nights in a row. Yeah. You know, I really need it. And like I said, I'm going to fucking start talking to a few people. I really like the idea going down to like the pussycat down there in the village on West Ford Street. I just got to find the time. But I'm going to do a residency in Austin. When I come back, I don't really want to do shit. So I'm back to square run.

What if I go down there and do four sets and I come back and do one at the dojo? So I'm living like before. But those four, at least will give me 10 minutes. You follow me? Yeah. And it's in one spot. It'll be easy. Maybe alternate months.

Who knows? No, I would do one a month straight till December now. Nice. And see what they had to offer in December, a Christmas party, a night before New Year's. Who knows, you know? Fuck yeah. And it's on the other side of that dog.

My daughter told me she was leaving for North Carolina on Tuesday. I cried for like a minute. And I'm like, I'm not going to handle being in fucking Austin. So this is easier said than done. Right. I might just go down and do what I use. usually do three days gone. Three days gone.

Yeah. Because that's how I feel better. If I just go, I don't want to, now I live there and I got to be out every night. I just want to go and do my spots, see my friends, go to waste of wellness, and come on. Get something good to eat a steak, some Mexican food, you know. Yeah. I'm going down there to do all the things I can't do here. I'm not going to go down there and do the same shit I'm doing here.

No, it's wasted. So for me to make it work, and for me to make it work for my family, I have to cover that rent every month. Not with regular comedy money, but whatever I'm making, Austin. So, yeah, if I do one show, it covers my rent and the plane ticket. And I'm good.

I'm good after that. Fuck yeah. So that's the plan right now. I'm going to go look at them this week, one of them. And then when the business manager goes down to Austin towards the end of the month, we'll make a decision. Let her fucking start doing what you need to do.

do. That's exciting. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. What do you got coming up? I got a bunch in the city. The big one this week is St. Mark's Comedy Club Thursday, July 30th, 8.30 p.m. It's called Any Request Comedy. It's like the bucket of chaos or the bottom of the barrel. It's going to be your suggestions. It's going to be a lot of fun, a lot of great comics. Having a lot of fun. I'm also in Greenpoint and a lot of places this week. Very excited. All right, motherfuckers. There you have it. Another fun-filled episode. What do we learn today? I have no deal what we talked about. That weed got me higher than fuck earlier.

Oh, yeah. Thank God we smoked it on Twitch. Nobody knows nothing. That's true. Yeah, make sure you, because you, are you going to, you have to bring a PlayStation down to Austin. Not this time. No, no, not that.

I'm saying when you, when you have the place. Yeah, yeah. That's awesome. That's red bands, that's, red band's going to set all that shit up. That's going to be fun. With volcanoes and noises. I'd love to see what your neighbors think about with the, like every few weeks, three days out of the month.

It's going to be a lot of weed, smoke and yelling and... Well, there's a balcony, so you can smoke out on the balcony. Okay, nice. That's always good. That makes me feel a lot better. Case mercy comes down or something. I was asking, I was wondering if you're going to bring her down.

That'd be fun. That'd be a good time. It might be a spot I take it to every year to watch the smokeball game. That's what I said. If you build it, they'll come. When I came to Jersey, I didn't know what was going on. I was here three months, draft kids called me. So I'm trying to open up another opportunity down there.

Let's see if it treats me to something. same. That's it. I'm 63. I'm not going to be Eddie Murphy. This has nothing to do with any of that shit. It just has to do with being practical. I don't have much, so I got to work with what I'm given. I have the opportunity to go down there and work my friend's club. It's a 250-seater.

You know, so I'm, bro, like I said in the beginning of the podcast, you call me for a movie, you give me comedy work. I'm more grateful than anybody. My daughter gets to eat another week. We get to come here and dick around. That's it. That's how I look at. That's all you can do.

What you can do? All you can do. All right, you bad motherfuckers. We'll see you next Tuesday. Same back time. Same bad place. I love you. Say good night, Lee.

Good night. I love you.