The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - Testicle Testament: What If and Live Church of Whats Happening Now

Episode Date: May 1, 2015

This is the first time that Testicle Testaments and a live Church Of What's Happening Now podcast have ever been combined into one show. Joey opens up with a story about the choices you make in life and then we finish up with a live Church.     Recorded live on 4/29/15

What's up, guys? Sorry, I already have like half of a deca in me, so this is going to be quick and short. Thank you guys for coming out. This is brand new. Even if you've been here before for a live podcast, we're going to do some stories for us, the Testicle Testament. So let me just bring them up. Joey Diaz. What's happening, you bad motherfuckers?

One more time for the man of the man of steel. Lee Syatt, the coolest fucking Jew working. What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? Everything good? Good to see you. Everything's beautiful. Thank you for getting here. Obviously, you got here on time. One of my friends fucking that good. It was late. He was stuck behind him.

Let me tell you what's destroying this whole fucking... I love going out and driving and cutting motherfuckers off. But when it comes... I tell you who I hate these motherfucking Prius people. Do you not hate them? Do you not want to stab these motherfuckers in the face with their little fucking faggy car in the left-hand lane doing the fucking speed limit?

Really? Put that motherfucker in, cock sucker. Put another battery in that motherfucker. Kick it up. Do 90. I don't give a fuck. I want it to look like the Mad Max car. I want it to fucking go.

By the way, don't go fucking see that movie, that piece of shit. Fuck them white motherfuckers. That movie belonged to Australians. Okay? It belonged to fucking Australians. And then these fucking Gentiles stole it and fucking put CG. Nobody fucking died making the movie. Nobody even got a fucking cut.

Fuck those motherfuckers. Listen, let me tell you a story. I was very fortunate to work with a guy that was the DP of fucking the original Mad Max and the Road Warrior. And he told me the story at the end. And I watched it last night. I was on L. Ray last night. I watched the end when Mel Gibson is driving the truck and he's fighting everybody. He's got the little kid and the little kid goes for the bullet.

And the guy's head pops up and they squish. A fucking tremendous scene. But when the truck went off, they thought they wanted the truck to flip. So the guy that signed on had terminal cancer Okay, and the only reason why he signed down was Because they were going to live in 40,000 to his wife But he lived He did the fucking stunt and he lived

That's a true fucking story, you understand me So when you have that in the original movie Because I was, listen, I love Tom Hardy I fucking love that motherfucker And Charisse de Rang with a missing arm That's my world As soon as I saw that I'm like, this movie's crack-a-lacking already.

She's got a missing. She's a little hoof, you know what I'm saying? But once I saw the CGI and people flying through the air, that's bullshit. The people died to make Mad Max. They ran over sneakers and shit. They went, fuck Shugnight with fucking Mad Max. Shugnike to suck my dick. You don't know how to run over nobody.

Mad Max knew how to run over motherfuckers. Bam, disappeared. Shug Nights an amateur. That's not how you run over people or the fucking drive-thru. That's for pussies. You gotta hit a motherfucker on 405. When he's walking with his gas can,

that's the motherfucker you gun it for. You do 100. Just watch him explode. Bam! All you see is like an eyeball come back. Like, what the fuck happened is shit? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I'm trying to teach you how to have fun.

You know what I'm saying? Anybody can hit somebody doing 10. If you're gonna... Like today, right now, KTLA, they're looking for somebody in Orange County who had an old lady at a fucking McDonald's drive-thru.

Did you see it this morning for breakfast? He backed that bitch up with the Mustang. Oh my God, and he got out, looked at him. He looked at a wife and he goes, we got to go. This bitch is... Fuck John Jones. This bitch is dead.

You know what I'm saying? I'm getting the fuck out of here on roller skates. Fucking John Jones went back to the car. Got his Coke money and ran away. How funny is that? That's the type of shit. would do, you know what I'm saying? Like, he ran away, ran back, got the Coke money, and then left,

and left the pipe. That's what that would piss me off the most. Listen, when I got arrested for kidnapping, there's a true fucking story. This is just, they just tell you, motherfuckers I don't fuck around. They knocked on my door. I was sleeping off the Coke, and my friend, uh, anyway, don't matter what his fucking name is. I forget what his name is, he woke me up. And he goes, the cops are at the dealership. They're three minutes behind me. Get up. Get up. So I got up, I got my money, I got everything. When I got across the street, I ran across the street to a supermarket to call my, at the time

girlfriend, and when I went in my, she goes, I can't pick you up for 35 minutes. I was like, 35 minutes, the cops were at my house. I could see the patrol car in front of the house and a detective car. I go, what am I going to do? She goes, we just sit by the thing, get some teeth. They didn't put an all wide bulletin out of nothing. That's bullshit. That's the scare people

on CSI. Put an all orange bulletin. Right, so I'm sitting there and like, okay, I'll just get high, When I went in my pocket, I had no weed. Guess what Uncle Joey did? I walked around the block to where I lived, went through like three backyards

with the cop in front of my house. You understand me? Out there drinking coffee, waiting for me to walk in the front like that. I'm that type of a fucking moron. Because I'm going to walk down the street whistling, going back into my house. I went through the back commando style, going under wires and laundry and shit.

Some fucking dog, tried to bit me, but I got back in my house and I got the pipe with the weed, with the lighter. I had like a little bag in those days. I put in my pocket and I went back out the thing, went back to the supermarket. You never leave the weed, okay? You can leave, you leave the kid. Fuck him, let him get out. He got legs. He'll get out.

The weed don't got legs, you know what I'm saying? Last time I checked, there's no app to fucking press to make your weed come downstairs. You understand me? they've invented everything that's the app I'm waiting for I left my weed at the house there it is right in your fucking iPhone and shit fucking John Jones amazing tremendous type of shit but I was thinking about Lee I was talking to Lee one day

we're just talking after the podcast and Lee was telling me what happened what led up to him contacting me he said he was going to go deliver pizza that day and that he had gotten a job delivering Pete he went to two interviews to telemarket and to deliver pizza. And he said, fuck, I'm just going to send Joey D. As a Facebook and see if he needs help.

And he sent to Facebook, you know. And he said something that was really weird. He goes, you know, how weird is that? That from me sending a message, all this happened. Like we did a special together. We've done all this shit. We've got a podcast. We're consistent with.

Just being consistent, guys, is the hard enough thing. But anyway, and I went home, and I thought about it. How many times have you guys done something where later on, like years later, you go, man, what made me go into that place? Like, what made me, you know, I'm a fucking lazy piece of shit. What made me? Really, you question yourself. You're like, I didn't want to get a job.

Ten years, God knows what you guys will be doing. But, you know, you all walked into a place and whatever happens. You ever think, like, what made you walk into that place? You were headed for the place down the corner, and you went there instead. You ever have that last shit? Like, when I was a kid one time, I moved to Jersey in 70, And I didn't go to school in that parish, whatever, so I didn't go out with those kids. I had no reason to talk to those kids.

But finally, it threw me out of Catholic school, and I had to hang out with those fucking kids. And one day, it's the summer, and I'm at the house, and my mom's like, you know, Cuban moms. They're like, you know, calabasa, calabaza, all mundo by your casa. You got to go. You know, my mom didn't fuck around. You couldn't stay in the house. If you stay, oh, you want to stay in the house? Now I'll put you to work.

Fuck no. Okay. Out! You got to go. In my house, you gotta go. Nine o'clock, let's go. You gotta go. I look at my mom, but I want to watch cartoons and no cartoons.

This is summertime. Get a stick, do whatever the fuck you do. Get out there. So at the time, my mom still had me pegged like a little Cuban boy. She still dressed me in white with white slippery shoes and shit. And she always put a chain on me. Don't let nobody touch your chain. Somebody touches your chain, you beat the fuck out of them.

You understand me? That was the purpose. She put an expensive chain on me and go, you better come home with that fucking. chain today. I don't let nobody take your chain. I'm like, and people one time the ice cream man said, can I see your chain? And my mom was on the

second floor and she saw it. And she ran down, don't touch his fucking chain, all right? Remember that beating? That fucking kid got from Baltimore yesterday? That was nothing. My mom threw the ice cream down. I told them not to let him pet your chain. She threw a heavy fucking beating yesterday.

That was tremendous. I'm very impressed. And unless you got hit, like if you've been hit like that from your mom, you're like, Fuck yeah. Fuck them up. You were chan fire. Because you know that shit worked on you when your mom just went nuts one day. Like one day your mom just went, what the fuck you mean? You're gonna fucking go. If I tell you, you know, who the fuck did? And your mom just snapped. Remember that day mom snapped and shit?

She almost got a heart. And then she started hitting you on the back and shit. I told him on the podcast yesterday. One time I wanted to fucking go with my friend swimming. And I go, I ain't making my bed. My mom's going to make the fucking bed. I'm like, I'm not making the, what I'm going to make the bed for? I'm going to be back in a couple hours to sleep. And my mom was like, you're gonna shit when you shit, you're gonna shit again in 10 hours. Why do you wipe your ass, right?

Make the fucking bed. I'm like, I'm not making the bed, so I went out. A couple hours later, I'm at the pool with my friends, a bunch of white dudes and shit, hot dogs, barbecues, and I can hear my mother yelling, Hosontorio! And they're like, what the fuck is that? What is going on?

I'm like, I don't know. And it got getting closer and closer. Hosentatorio! Oh my God, this is a lot. going to be bad. Finally, I see her by the fence. She was five foot two, but I can see like the top of her head. She was jumping.

And then after she was still out there. I know you're in there. Come on. I'm like, there's no hosantoneos in here. You got the wrong neighborhood meter. Keep walking down the fucking block there. And then I saw her fat little foot go up on the fence. And I was dead.

I got out of the pool and I ran out. And I thought I had to jump on it. And also, I know, Os Antonio. She's calling me. My mom's calling me a faggot, malparillo. She's calling me everything. And she catches up to me, she's hitting me. Like, she's hit me in the foot as I'm running home.

And then I get in the house and she's hit me with the stick. Go make the bed. And I hit the stick with my hand. And she got a fucking heart attack, right? She went right back to Cuba. She's like... And all of a sudden she put the stick down and ran away into the kitchen. And she got a bounty row.

You know, bounty? And she lit the motherfucker on the fire. Because I blocked the stick and she's like, you're not supposed to put your hands up when your mom's hitting you. You're supposed to take the beating like the fucking... So I put my hands out. I remember her running up the stairs and the bounty falling off the thing and there was little flames all over the fucking living room.

That's how crazy my mom was. But I get that beaten. You know, for people who don't beat your kids, now you gotta smack the fuck out of it once in a while. Okay, because listen, they gets an age where we know more than you. As a child, we test you. Everybody tests you in life. Every day you get tested.

With your kid, once they turn 13, you guys remember when you fucking jerked off the first time? And something came out of your dick. You were a fucking man. You were ready to smack your father. Remember, you're like, I'm smacking that punk tomorrow. We got confused.

Nobody smacked their fucking father. You got fucking confused. So that's what happens when you come, lady. First time something comes out of your dick, you're ready to take over the house. You go down to your mother, mom throw this motherfucker out Who's gonna pay the bills?

What bills? The bills, you fuck? Bills, what happened? So I was always really lucky, like that. So my mom says to me, get the fuck out of the house, go make some friends in this neighborhood. I go, all right. And there was a park this way.

It was a park this way. I could hear the kids. You know, you can hear the fucking kids? But when I was in my backyard talking to my mom, I could hear kids playing on the street over there. So instead of, I was on the corner, I go, let me go to the park. I go, anybody can go to the park. Let me walk over to Charles Court and see what's cracker-lacking.

And Charles Court was one of those streets, not a cul-de-sac. I had an island in the middle. And you went all the way around the block, and the island. Gina Giocona lived. This girl, Gina Giocona, cute girl. And it went around the corner. I still talk to her. She's on Facebook.

So I go up there, and these kids, they're not playing. There's a fight. A tremendous kid fight. Now at the time, Bruce Lee had just died. You know, I was into Bruce Lee. I was ready to kick motherfucker's asses, but I didn't know these guys. But growing up, my mom always said, if somebody's alone, they get beat up, help him out. So as I walked up, I saw a kid fighting with, like, a kid older than him by a couple of years.

Like, let's say the kid I saw fighting, the little Italian kid was maybe 12, like me, 11. The kid he was fighting was like 16. And he was relentless. He was on the motherfucker. Boom, boom. He hit him. Then they broke it up. The father came down, broke it up,

smacked this kid for fighting his son. But the truth was he had already beat up, like three of his other brothers. It was a little Irish family. Irish people got a lot of brothers. Then they got the one fat sister. You got a fight at the end. She's the heavyweight.

Mark Hunt with a fucking wig comes down. And that's the last motherfucker you got to tangle with the sister. So this is all going down, but he smacked the kid. Now, when they're arguing and stuff, when they were fighting, when the father came down and was trying to break him up,

I didn't like that, so I jumped in. Guys, I was scared than fuck, but I knew this wasn't right. And I knew if you wanted to make bones in a new neighborhood, you got to stick up with somebody. That's the quickest fucking way. These were all white kids, guys. This is 1973.

I'm a Cuban kid. Okay? These motherfuckers just thought I was from another planet. It's like the Armenians now. You know what I'm saying? Right or wrong. I mean, that's what we were, 30 fucking years ago.

You know, in 1959, the Cubans were the Armenians. We were the fucking Armenians. We wore warm-up suits and, you know, and fucking hung out in the corner and sang disco song, you know. Don't stop the music. It's the only thing I got. It's my peace of mind. Cubans are the Armenians 40 fucking years ago.

We just evolved. You know what I'm saying? Nobody ever thinks about that shit. That's why I understand the fuck. I goof on Arabs and I goof on every fucking race. But how was that race? So I get it. That's what we develop.

And then look at the Russians. Ten years ago, the Russians were brand new. Now that shit on the Armenians. Now the Armenians are talking about the Arabs. You follow me? Shit runs downhill. It's just the way life is. The elephant talks about the squirrel.

You know, he's the fucking king. So this fight breaks out. in there, right? I don't even know what the fuck that meant. The chibachew must be kicking in. That's what happens when you eat a chibbutchew. Shit comes out of your fucking mouth. All of a sudden you become Johnny philosopher. You don't know how many nights I catch myself talking to the cats at 3 in the morning.

So, this fucking fight ensues, you know, the father's trying to break the kid off him. I jump on the little kid, I help him out, and he turns around. And he turns around, he looks at me dressed on white, and he's like, what the fuck? You know, and all of a sudden he's like, relax, guy. And all of a sudden, the father comes and smacks this kid Anthony. And he goes, you know what? Fuck you, motherfucker. I'm calling my father.

I got to wait around. I got to see what's happening, right? Nobody would talk to me. They'd be like, who the fuck are you? I go, I just moved here from New York City or whatever. And finally, in the middle of all this, the kid Anthony goes into this other kid's house and he lets him call his father. I mean, eight minutes went by. Eight minutes went fucking by

And you saw a police car come up With a regular detective car And the two cops got out of the regular car Started giving tickets out in the neighborhood Like walking around And all of a sudden this detective car gets out And it's a heavyset guy Like not a heavyset guy

But a big strong guy with no jacket on Just a white shirt And a fucking What the fuck just happened? It was like she was calling a play And One seven It's a fucking

weird night tonight, people. So, this motherfucker comes out of the car with a tie on, you know, like when you pull the tie down, and you can see he's got his gun and, like, his holster, and he's got, like, his belt with the fucking bags. I still remember this,

like it was yesterday. And he goes, Anthony, what happened? He goes, ah, Mr. Whatever? Smack me in the face. And also, he looks at me. He goes, who's this guy? He goes, this is a new spit kid that moved to the neighborhood, right? Like I said, shit runs down hill, that's it. And what are you gonna do?

Don't call me your spick and I gotta fight 18 white guys. Fuck it, call me what you want. We'll work it out eventually, all right? So, he goes, he goes, he stuck up for me, Dad, so the kid just looks at me like really weird. He's a thick Italian guy

and he says, where's this fucking Robson guy? He goes upstairs. And there's a bunch of kids on the street, there's some parents on the street, and guys, he just walked up the stairs. It was like two flights of stairs. It was outdoor stairway. And he knocked on the door.

and when the guy opened the door, he goes, you're Mr. Robinson, yeah. He went in, pulled him out in broad daylight, and just started punching the fuck out of him. I mean, until the guy went down. He's fucking, don't you ever hit my son, bam, bam, kicked him in the stomach, the guy's bleeding. And that was it. I sat there like, oh, shit.

This is my type, because I didn't want to move to Jersey at that time. I was New York City kid. I came from Cuba, I went to 88th Street, and then I used to I got 1408th Street, were dirty white kids, Irish dirty motherfuckers. On 148th Street was Puerto Ricans, Irish Jews, dirty Jew. Everybody was dirty. The kids were dirty.

Whenever my mom would go up there, she'd sneak attack me. My mom would sneak attack me and go out of the car and she'd see me playing. And she goes, come on, go inside, take a shower. You're playing with this. She used to call it Mataperro. You're out there, Mataperando. I don't need this in my life. Matapeno means you're out there killing dogs, right?

I mean, by 4 o'clock, I had like a fuck. I needed a stitch. I had dirt on me. You'd do everything in New York as a kid. By 4 o'clock, you've mugged somebody, you've washed windows. You stole luncheon. In those days, these were give you like free lunches at the fucking whatever. We'd walk two miles just to steal the fucking thing of lunches.

We didn't eat them. But we sold those sandwiches for a nickel. These were dirty kids. They knew how to make a living. The first time I met them, I was like six. And the first thing they said to me was, do you want to go see a dead body? When that's your opening line,

that's a tremendous neighborhood when you're a kid. I'm like, what do you mean a dead body? He's been there for a couple days. Come on, we went through his pockets. I mean, and I'm like, what the fuck these kids talking about? But they taught me how to hustle. The hustle I have in my heart today

is from those little dirty kids because they hustle. They shook people down. They washed windows. They took your garbage out. They would go to a donut shop. Listen, we're the new garbage man. And they would say, like, you guys are eight years old.

You're not a garbage, man. Yes, we are. We're going to come here every day, take the garbage out, sweep and wash your windows. Give us a dollar a day. And the guy would say, why would I do that? Because I'd break your fucking windows every fucking day. These kids were savages, eight, nine. And they made money first, then they played later.

These motherfuckers were disciplined. When it snowed, they shoveled snow and pushed cars out. In the summer, they were out there fucking, I mean, it was just, it was a great childhood. But anyway, now I live in Jersey. I don't want to move to fucking Jersey, but after I saw that cop meet up, Mr. Robson, fuck! Where have I been all these years?

So at that time, guys, I was a little fucked up. I had already gotten thrown out of Catholic school. You know, I was a karate fucking nut. I wanted to move to China. My mom fucking thought I was retarded, like I would only eat rice. I would go to Chinatown and buy the Bruce Lee things and wear the Bruce Lee shoes and bow and shit. and shit. Oh, I was out of my mind. They didn't know what to do with me. They didn't know what

the fuck to do with me. So my mom goes, listen, before we left the house, she goes, listen, do me a favor. I'm going to put you in this new neighborhood. You got to act like a fucking gentleman. No drama, no more. That's it. Oh, when we lived in New York, there was drama every week. And I got my head busted in the first grade, stitches, eyes, double duty Rudy when I fought the Haitian kid. And the fucking father brought me upstairs and threatened my mom and my mom got a knife and chased them up the fucking stairs. My mom was, she was up to here. What Spanish people say?

Maintina'a ultimu Pendejo, something like that. Right? Maintina'Eltimo Pelo. You got me to my last hair. So before I went out that day, she hugged me, she told me, she loved me, and she goes, please, act like a fucking gentleman. So after this whole thing goes down, I'm standing there in awe, drooling, and the cop comes over, and he goes, Anthony,

So what happened? And he goes, I was getting beat up, and nobody helped me. The only one was this fucking Spanish kid. What's your name? Coco. We started talking, and the father goes, do you want me to give you a right to eat? Do you want to come over for dinner? I go, dinner.

Yeah, I guess, but I got to go tell my mom. He goes, we'll get in the cop car, and I'll give you a right to your mother's house. So I'm like, fine. So as I'm pulling up the corner, my mom is out there sweeping. And not that fucking Gentile sweep, Spanish sweep. Where they get the bucket of hot water with cologne and flowers in that shit. And they're out there throwing this shit, sweeping this motherfucker, fucking wetting it down. And my mom looks up.

I don't think that she had the broom in her hand, and I pulled it up, and she sees me in the cop car. And she just flipped the broom in the car. Oh, my God. By the time he got out of the cop car, my mom was at the window. He was like, no, no, no, no, no, no. I want to see if your son could come to my house and eat. and he stuck up for my son and I think you did a great job raising

and my mom was like, what, what the fuck? You know, oh my God, yeah, take him. Take this motherfucker. Do what you want. So it was right down the house, man. And they kept telling me, come over every day and they had a basketball court and they had three other brothers

and I played with the three other brothers even though they were old. Sometimes you go to somebody's house and they're the same age. Nah, these guys have you only play with the one guy because I play with all. All of them. They had motorcycles.

We used to drive out the fucking Englishtown, New Jersey, and jump in the converse dumpers. And they manufactured converse sneakers, limousines for the feet. And they throw the... You know how you got it regular now? The regular thing? You know when you go to fucking... Not Kmart. What's the other fucking place where they sell...

No. No. Whether you buy... What's that place where you buy clothes with a one-level? white clothes with one leg or short than the other and they sell it to you. Ross, okay?

God fucking damn it, CVS, you fuck. If this was jeopardy, they just want to shot you. Like, just, like get the gun, shoot him right out of the order. Before Ross,

they threw that shit out. Ross are dirty motherfuckers, too. They're out there jumping in dumpsters like Puerto Ricans. What the fuck? Have some dignity and shit. Give us some fucking class.

And then you sell it dirty. I didn't do that. I jumped in the dumpsters. And I sold the sneakers. I think the sneakers grossed, I think 1995, I think I sold them for 10 bucks. So what? One was a six, one was a seven.

Who gives a fuck? Put on a heavy sock. You got limousines for the feet, motherfucker. Okay, so that's what we hustled. And whatever, and they started liking me more and more. They started trusting me. The father was a big-time detective, and he drove the mayor. So guess what happened?

Whatever, he, the kids got. So when no-show jobs kept car, he got us a no-show job when you're 12 years old. You know what it is to get a no-show job at a school as a janitor? And you're working with men, but you only show up to pick up your check. What? What? Where are you been? I don't need to come in, bitch.

Oh, shit! When he got me my first no-show job, guys, you're fucking nuts. But he introduced me to all... Cops would come over to his house, so all the cops got to see me hanging out with the kids. And they'd wave and shit. But in the eighth grade, we got into a beef again. Me and Anthony, one of the teachers. He kept calling me names in Spanish, a teacher.

And Anthony stuck up for me, and the kid hit him. And Carmine came and beat the fuck out of the teacher, and they transferred him to the high school. And then when I went to high school, he was my homeroom teacher. The first thing he said to me is, if you don't want to come to the homeroom, it's on me. The guy's name was Mr. Tortora. Fucking tremendous.

Listen, I was a retard, right? This is a fucked up story because I remember this the other day. Carmine ran that fucking town. He was the mayor's aide, and he was the dirty guy. The guy that came to your house and bit slapped you. And that was the guy. The mayor had nice people that represented him with suits, but then he had this dirty detective that did all his dirty work.

And he knew everybody. So in the sixth grade, I fell in love with this chick, New Yorker or Areza. We didn't even fuck. I used to just dry hump her. After like six months, you let me suck a titty during a dry hump, and I lost it. And she told me, the last day of school, we're gonna fuck. Dog, she told me that in January. I couldn't focus.

I stopped going to karate. I stopped talking to my friends. I stopped doing homework. I would just sit there in the app. We would dry hump from 3.30 to 5 to Earth went in fire, the whole album. We would swap, spit, put the air conditioner on. And then, oh my God, guys, you have no idea how much. I couldn't even sleep.

I was so much in love with her. And her backyard was like two away, so we would fucking have, oh my God, I wasn't guys, I was done. And she didn't even give me the pussy, just the scent of it. She just went like this. I fell apart.

I fell apart. Listen, I'm not a dumb guy. If I come to class every day and I do the assignment and I pay attention, I can squeak out of beat. I've always done it all my life. I'll listen and I'll squeak out of beat.

Dog, I got Eps in everything. I mean, I wouldn't go to my mom's bar. I wouldn't even talk to my parents. When New Yorker wasn't around, I was in my room frozen, just jerking along. Thinking about the last day of school. Like, I couldn't fucking wait. And then something, and I failed so bad that didn't put me in the seventh grade class, like to show you a teacher.

They left me with the sixth grade idiots. And she saw that, and she's like, I can't fuck you now. You're not in the seventh grade. And I fucking lost it. Like, I was in love. I couldn't take it. I had to take summer school, get this. So we got caught playing hooky, and my mom went out there

and started yelling, Thuiso na pouta, right? Because, you know, my mom was the number one cock blocker in the world. When my mom found out, I'd get a little peace. She would tell me when I bring a girl up, leave the door open. I don't want no funky stuff in my room, in my house. So my mom was a cock blocker.

So when I got caught playing hooky, it knew it was with this girl, and my mom was in the yard calling that. girl's mother a whore your daughter's a whore I was done so we couldn't we weren't allowed to talk to each other was like endless love but I didn't burn the house down right and they remade fucking endless love what a piece of shit it was tremendous of Brooke Shields every time I'd watch it I cry I have that on one of my DVDs I cry every time I hear that song when was the last time you heard endless

motherfucking love I cry all the time and shit a lot of you young guys don't know what you're looking at me like Joey what the fuck you're talking about Bung, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong. Endless love was the shit. Brooke Shield sucked this little dude's dick, and he went nuts. Then they broke up and he lit her fucking house on fire and killed her dad or something.

And at the end they made up. Who the fuck knows? I forget that part. I was too busy crying and shit. You know what I'm saying? There's only you in my life. That's a bad fucking jam. Listen, four in the morning,

you're out of Coke, you're out of booze. You've given every left hook you can. She won't open her legs. You got one thing. Throw on endless love. If that don't do it, call Uber. Right? Call Uber because she ain't giving it up.

You ain't closing it. You know what I'm saying? Once you throw on endless love and you dance with her, if you go for her pussy and she pushes it away, listen, it's time for you to go, okay? And I can't believe you did all my Coke You should have told me then you weren't gonna suck my dick I would have stayed home by myself

Put a Coke rock out my dick and whacked off Anyway So I got so in love with this fucking broad The only time I could see you Was during summer school hours So I just stopped going to summer school And after three times they said Joey you left back

And there was this guy named Ray Dalton Who was very cool Who years later told me when the cops were looking for me. He was a vice principal at the school. Oh yeah. I robbed the jewelry store and the cops were looking for me after high school and they went to him. He was the principal and they kept saying, we're looking for Coco Diaz. He's like, I don't know no Cocoa Diaz. I know Coco Dempsey because there was three different cocos. And then somebody said Ray Dalton was looking for me and I went to his bar and he pulled

me and said, I didn't crack, but they got your name. They got you on a camera. They got you look around for cameras. How the fuck you get a rob's on my fucking camera? So I said that He started calling me candid camera after he'd see me candid camera. So I go, Ray, what do you want me to do? And he goes, bro, you left back. I don't know what to tell you. So I went to Carmen, and I go, Carmen, they're going to left me back. Can you go shake these guys down?

That's how retarded I was. I remember he came back. He's like, are you fucking stupid? You failed. You didn't show up. How can you do this to me? You went mad. But the thing was, I grew up in that fucking house.

You know, and then in the eighth grade, there was four brothers. The one I stuck up for died in a car accident. So, do you understand me? It was like I grew into the house. Like, I replaced him. And they became my parents. Carmine became my parents. But then shit started happening.

Carmine started getting... Carmine was crazy. He was doing some mafia shit as a cop. He was... Oh, my God. He was building a house and billing it to the fucking town. Like, that's the city of Bell.

That's what they got it from. From fucking Carmine. Fuck the city of Bell. They're punks compared to Carmine. Carmine never did time. Those motherfuckers... That fat dude from Bell, He's sitting there

You ever see him? He knows he's going to be sucking a dick You ever see him sitting there? He just sits there He's gonna fuck He's dead that guy Carmine invented that shit He got me a job at Rendell Lumber and Marine

And the first thing he said to me was Don't forget to steal I mean that was fucking Carmine Because the guy that quit used to steal So he goes if you don't steal Don't know that he was stealing So you got to steal How

Carmine was cool as shit Then he got busted because he got caught With the machine gun That Patty Hurst used in the fucking robbery. Yes! Yes! So everybody in the town was like, don't talk to him. Guess what? I kept going over there.

I kept going over there. That was my dog, dog. Those motherfuckers... Because when I... I was just a Cuban kid, but once I fucking became friends at them by mistake, everything changed, dog. Nobody could fuck with me after that. I was at Carmine. When I got in trouble with a cop and a certain cop would see me, he talked to the other cops, and they'd go, we can't fucking arrest this guy. And then he would call

Carmine, and Carmen would say him go, and that was the end of that. And I got into the, I called their mom, their mom after a while, the whole family. And then guess what happened? Then my mother died. So I was supposed to live with them by proxy. That was the call. But Carmine was too tough on his kids. You had to be in by 10. That wasn't by that time. I was out until 2 in the morning. I came from a Cuban house. My mom had no fucking curfew. Just call me. Let me know you're not coming home. Tell me what time. That was how easy it was. How can I go into being in that fucking 10 o'clock? I was selling acid. I was selling weed. You know, this guy

was a cop. I couldn't fucking live with him. So I moved with somebody else and it broke his heart. We were still friends. I still went over to the house and called the wife, mine, shit. But then something tremendous happened. One night, Carmine shot this guy eight times in the back in self-defense, right at

his house. You can't write this shit. I will give you a minute to write it on your phone. Tonight so you can Google it. Carmine Balzano, October of 82, He shot a guy in his house seven times. And when we were kids, when we were kids growing up,

we'd be in his house like painting, and he'd be painting with us, and we'd get into a conversation about murder or something. And he could always remember if you want to kill somebody, invite him to your house for dinner. And I never knew what he meant with that, right? How fucking genius is that? So the next day in the story, he invited the guy to get to an dinner. They got into an argument.

The guy went for a gun, shot at Carmine. He ran away, and Carmine shot him in the back seven times. in self-defense. But then they found that that Carmine owed him $700,000 so they threw Carmine off the force, and they fired them, and they didn't put them in jail, but then he sued them and got his pension

back. That's how slick he was. That's a bad motherfucker, right? And he got mad at me all those years when I was getting in trouble when I tell you guys all those stories, the criminal stories. He stopped talking to me. He stopped talking. Once he found out about the drugs, he stopped talking to me. But,

you know what? Today, I talk to him once a week, and every fucking holiday, or anything, he sends my daughter $500. Every card with $500 fucking. Every time I look at, like, my wife was out of town for Easter, and I was at the mailbox, and I looked at this check for $5.00, I'm like, if my wife knew where his money came from, she ripped his check up 10 times, because he's a bad mother, and I love him. He was my father, you know. But the whole thing of this story is, What if? What if I would have gone to the park that day?

I would have still been fucking sucking dick in North Bergen. They would have ate me alive. But because I stuck up with that dude, that dude had my back for years. I could call Carmine and go, Carmen, I need a fucking job. And he would call me back, not with some fucking job pumping gas. He called me back with a job making $80,000, two days a week, that type of shit. But I swear to God, he got me a no-show job. I think about that today, and I feel like a douchebag.

But I'll tell you what, it feels nice to be a gangster from time to time. Without further ado, my main motherfucker of Mr. Lee Syatt. What's happening, Lee? Jesus fucking Christ. Sit on, come on. The thing is stuck. You put a fucking lull in the show. I found endless love on YouTube.

You want to listen to it? Yeah, put it on for them on YouTube. This is a great fucking jam, guys. This is fucking tremendous. Shut the fuck up, dirty bitch. Get some romance in your life. This is Lionel Richie and Diana Ross. Just because you're having a bad day

and the chlamydia came back, that's not my problem. Here's Lionel. Every dude, Lionel. This is fucking badass, guys. Right here, listen to this. Are you fucking getting me? Are you fucking getting me? This is fucking wedding type shit.

When you're dancing, they're all emotional. At the end of the chintennuera. Whatever the fuck it is. Everybody's in love. of music you fucking put on, man. We were talking about this the other day. He almost killed me once, kind of, because on the way home from here,

I do with this constantly. He listens to every kind of music, and you'll just, like, go from, like, Black Sabbath to, like, singing Paul McCartney to, like, Diana Ross. It's just, like, a weird mix, and it just, each song, like, hits you. Like, you just, to see him go on the XM radio,

he has, like, different moves that he does. Oh, I got fucking. Oh, my God. Serious. I love it. I love Sirius. I got Studio 54. I got heavy metal. I got Ozzy's Bone Yarn. I got Spanish music on that motherfucker.

Latin, fucking whatever from the 70s. I got so many things on fucking Speedow. Because if not, who wouldn't kill the... You have to entertain yourself on the 405. You really do. When you hit the 405 and the 10 or the 101, and that's what I do. I like to get high and listen to fucking music. Right or wrong? Listen, let's get some strict.

Let me ask you something. I'm not here advocating marijuana or putting posters up in my room or whatever. What I'm trying to say to you is, guys, I had a dream. My mom got high. I did not want to get high.

I did not want to get high because my mom got high. I just did not fucking dig it. The alcohol, ah, whatever. But the fucking weed, I did not like it. I'll tell you why I hated marijuana growing up. You ever fucking get one of those

in the first grade? They give you a milk container. You got to bring a milk container in and cut it, and then you got to fill it with dirt, and the teacher gives you fucking seeds, and you have to grow it, and then you have to come back in six weeks and show the fucking teacher the plant.

Remember that shit? Yeah. I had a great future. I really did. I really did have a fucking chance. I thought about my life. Into the plant project? A thousand fucking times.

I had, shut the fuck up, cock'suck. I had the plant. I had the plant. I was ready to go the next day. PS-166, I forget the teacher's name, it don't matter. I was going to bring the plan in and get an A. Something happened, my mom and Tita, the Puerto Rican babysitter, when my mom would get home at three from the bar,

because my mom owned the bar, Tita would be there. Some nights Tito would go home, and some nights Tita would just sleep on a fucking couch. And they would smoke dope together. I would smell in the morning, go, what the fuck is that smell in the house? And she would make some story, but I knew I wasn't retarded. You know why? Because the cops in those days in the first grade,

took you to the police station and they showed your drugs and they fucking smoke marijuana around you and they fucking you shot a gun. Tremendous. So I knew what drugs were early on. Plus they did it at the fucking house, not the bar. So I knew but I just didn't say none. Guess what my mom and that fucking chick did?

They saw that plant and then their fucking stone ketosis. They thought that it was reefer. So they cut the plant up. Yes, they fucking did. And they smoked it. I got up the next morning and get my plant and it was gone right? You might as well give away my fucking puppy. You understand me?

That's the first thing I ever grew. I get up, I go, my, what happened to the plant? She's like, you're not going to believe what happened. We had no marijuana, so we fucking took it. And I'm like, what the fuck? So I go, get up, you got to take me to a plant store. So we went to a plant store. I had to get two leaves and put it in there. I ended up getting an A.

I fucking fucked the teacher over. But still, that always, I didn't want to smoke weed. But listen, man. Then I started going out with your buddies, you drink that boons farm and you drink you know you then you split an A pack between two people you know you know the evolution of alcohol and partying

you start stealing your parents booze you put vodka water back in the vodka and ice tea back in the whiskey we all did creepy things but there's an evolution and then you get a job and you know how to put five dollars together and you steal it you steal fucking lemonade

from your mother and I'll get the fucking vodka right right or wrong and then you go to a bar but there's a fucking evolution. I did not want to break down and smoke pot. But there was something about music that made my dick hard. I liked music as a kid. When I came from Cuba, I like Spanish music, I like salsa, I like disco. I didn't like rock music. Fuck those long head. Filty motherfuckers. I don't like no disco music. No rock music. I never want to get into fucking rock music. And I moved to Jersey and those dirty motherfuckers used to listen to rock music and he

to drive me crazy. And one day something made me get high, like take two hits off a joint. I mean, I was blasted. And something happened, I went home and there was music on. And I was like, wow. And like a week later, something happened where I bought Houses of the Holy by Led Zeppelin.

Oh my fucking God. When I put that album on, it's ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, right? Whatever, you don't have to go home, right? Then the second one is the other song, but then the third one is... Dancing days are here again. Don't fucking make me go deep. I'm a little fucked up, okay? Just improvise with me.

He knows all the information. I know all the fucking information. It's a ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. You don't have to go. You don't have to go. You don't have to go. Oh, ho, ho. Then it goes to dancing days.

Then fucking no quarter comes on. That's why I would... Let me tell you something. That's where the fucking thing got turned off. First time I heard no quarter, it scared the fuck out of me. It was like the theme from Star Trek. I would turn the TV off.

When Star Trek came on as a kid, one Star Trek came on. Fuck that, motherfucker. Fuck that creepy shit. Change that. Till this day, I've never watched Star Trek. Fuck that Dura Point of Years. And Martians.

I don't like that shit. What about that song like Children Are the Devil or Children Are for Hell? What was that song? What is it? No. No, no, no, no, it was the lady singer. Yeah, Pat Benatar.

That's come. You're fucking up my evolution, cocksucker. I'm still enthralled in fucking houses of the holy. Okay, continue. But once the fucking ocean comes on, you know you're deep. First time I smoked dope and heard the ocean, we got four already, but we can't. I fuck, my head blew up. One, two, three, four, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam.

I didn't know what to do. I knew I was getting a bag of dope. I knew it was over. I crossed the line after that. I think the second hour was yes roundabout. And that, ah! And then some dude turned me on to

Emerson Lincoln Palmer Goatshead soup. That sucked ass. I hate that shit. Then I heard something. I heard something else. Oh, I heard Black Sabbath. War Pigs, hi. First time I heard war pigs,

I just broke out into tears. I didn't know. I never had that emotion in my life. I never heard that. You know, Satan and fucking. I was like, this is me. Oh, shit. You know, hand of doom and all that shit.

And I'll tell you, then I made a deal with myself. I go, you know what? All right. I'm going to smoke pot. I'll try this angel dust. Good progression. But I'll never snort nothing. I'll never put anything in my fucking nose.

That's for fucking losers. And then when I started smoking pot and then a little bit of T.C. Crystal on me. In those days for 10 bucks, for three, no, for trays, for $3, they sold you like elephant tranquilizers and powder. Oh my God, you get fucked up and they called it something like Jonestown and you sprinkled that in a joint. And then you smoked that shit. Are you serious?

Oh my God. Listen, I used to take, I took a joint twice and put formaldehyde on and you let that motherfucker dry and you smoke that formaldehyde joint. Oh my fucking God. And then one day I went to Union City and these crazy white dudes were like, fuck it, we got to snort. You got to snort the T.HC. Crystal, which is a different level. I cried. I'm like, I don't know if I could do that. But it's $10 for three people and all of us are going to see the devil.

You're all going to see the devil. So come again. It's $4 for the Friday night apocalypse now. But for $3, I can see the devil. Yes, you can. I'll take a chance. Fuck it. You know what? I'll never snort.

cocaine, I'll never do everyone up my nose. I just got pushing the boundaries. It's very sad. It's very sad. I'm very sad about it right now. And then the utopia was, I like smoking that fucking zombie dust, that angel dust. I swear to God, I fucking loved it. It was great. Me and my friends,

listen, let me tell you what fun is. Listen, fuck you, fuck Disneyland. Fuck the San Diego Zoo. Fuck San Diego. Fuck the four five. Are you more a Disney World guy? Fuck the Hollywood

Bull. Fuck C. World. You know what we did when we were 13? We used to buy two bags of angels to us, six of us. Cut it up six lines, do a line apiece, take a bus into New York City. And once we got to Port Authority, we break up into hit squads, two men. And we say, here's the deal. Go on an adventure.

God bless you. We'll see you on 178th Street at 7 o'clock. And all three teams are going to different locations and then we'd all meet we'd get off the bus on 48th Street but we'd get back on the bus on 178 Street to go back into Jersey that's fucking fun okay

you guys sound like the groups they had in Fight Club like Project Mayhem it wasn't Project Mayhem it was Project Death okay when we went out and I mean you stumble into we used to go to not strip clubs in those days but those places with a sticky floor people whack off peep shows we go

oh my God people whack off in there and look look around, you gotta say, it's crazy, they come out with, you don't even know what that's like when you're a kid. And then we, uh, and then we go to like, in those days, there was a guy in front of a strip club, and he called you into the strip club, and you had to sit, and he'd bring a girl next to you,

and you had to buy a champagne for like $80, like a little fucking bottle of champagne. Here you are 14, and once she's like, like, 80, would you want to buy me a champagne? She starts touching your leg. When you're 14, the woman touches your leg, you'll cut your fucking arm off, you understand. off, you understand. And also she's like, you're going to buy me champagne.

You got like $20, you know, and you're like, I'll buy your champagne. When they came over and she said $80, you better put a cork in that motherfucker because I'm out of here, lady, but it was just a and then by like 100th Street, we'd take the train up to 178 Street. But that's the

you sit there and you go, what the fuck was I thinking? I wish I would have to stop. There was no rehab for Angel Duss then. Do they send 14-year-olds to rehab? I guess they probably do. In today's fucking world, kids have problems. Who went to a drive rehab when they were young?

Didn't one of these fucking Kardashians? Didn't they kindly get one of these fucking shapes? Probably. This is crazy. This is crazy that we're having this conversation. Do you ever see what's going on, like, the girls who are doing, like, the lip thing? I'm worried about what you're going to do with mercy. Because, like, how are people doing?

Like, they're breaking their lips. I'm worried about how many rent this month. You think I'm worrying about mercy being 14? This is Captain fucking future here. I swear to God, he'll hit you with things. You know, like, when you got shit on your mind, you're like trying to put shit together. Yesterday, I got a thousand things on my mind.

He says to me, what time are we doing the podcast next Monday? Listen, Cocksucker, I almost strangled them. I live by the day. How many times I got to tell you? Next Monday is like fucking December to me. I don't give a fuck about it. I don't worry about it. Is anybody in this room worried about Christmas?

Are you sitting at home right now going, I can't wait. I'm going to get an electric toothbrush. Fuck the summer. Fuck you. If you're worried about Christmas right now, shoot yourself. You're worried about two shit that's got nothing to do with you. I'm worried about fucking tonight, get home, and I'm worried about tomorrow.

That's it. And I don't know about tomorrow until I wake up, because we may have plans, but I may wake up tomorrow. I did kettlebells there. I might be sore. I might just stay home and smoke dope. I'm not in the mood to drive to Santa Monica

to get an ear beating from me. you understand me. So all my plans are fucking light. Like everybody knows my shit's light. If I'm picking an envelope, I will be there. If you got a check for me, your cash, I tell you two o'clock, I'll be there 10 to 2. You understand me?

But if there's no envelope, if you're going to chit-chat and tell me about your great idea. So let's do this, okay? So this Martian comes down and he attacks Cuba and you're the cute... Listen, you made me come down here to that. I was at home. Watching AMC. What the fuck is on?

You know, Steven Segal, Backbiden, whatever the fuck, what's the one they always play? There was got the one with the ship and the other fucking one. Which one? Under siege, and the other one. When he's from Brooklyn,

who shot Bobby Lupo? Remember that one? When he played the fucking guy, Yeah, you see what I'm saying, I got the dude. Heart to Kill, that's the second one. That's what there's wife at the time. That was a good one when he, a heart to kill was when they killed him

and he came back to life. He was paralyzed for eight years. and after two days he was doing Aikido, you understand me? That was when I was like, what the fuck are they doing to me? You know, either I need to get higher or I need to stop going to these movies.

Watch it. Visit that fucking film masterpiece. He was in a coma for eight fucking years. They shot his wife, really? They shot his wife. And then after eight years of being a coma, he got up, he walked, he fell one time. And that was it. He went

to a fucking war. He killed fucking 80 black people, hand-to-hand combat. I'm so sick of that shit. That, the expendables, I'm done. I don't go to the fucking movies no more. What, Lee, what? Who's fooling me now? Huh?

Yeah, please. What? No, it... It was crazy, like, meaning Mr. Uh... What is the name? I do my... best people. You people fucking know.

I try hard. I try hard. I haven't been training. I call this training. Because I want, if we ever get kidnapped by the Russians, that they can't get nothing out of them. But this only works. They're going to give them 300 milligrams of T.C. You fall apart. You hang out with me.

You won't fall apart. You're going to play possum, but you know what the fuck you're thinking. That's not how they torture people. Huh? That's not how they talk. I meant I meant Carmine. What happened? I know. It's crazy, like, how you met him.

Like, what if you hadn't stick up for his kid? I don't know. And that's what I'm saying to you. Tonight, you're people going to go home, and you're going to think of a situation. You're going to go, what the fuck was I thinking? How did I get involved in that? How fucking weird does life work, you know?

Life has a fucking left turn every six weeks day. You don't tell people, right? You people never tell nobody, but, like, you sit back and go, what the fuck is going on? Like, every time I look at my iPhone, it's something 23 it kills me every time I look at my fucking iPhone

it's always something 23 that means I'm gonna die at like 323 it's always 23 like it's always 923 823 323 I got the worst luck in the fucking world

what are you giggling about you fuck no but it's crazy because you call me last week when we were talking about driving back from here just like laughing how much fun we've had and I thought about that I was fucking down to like a hundred books for two weeks when I

email it meant when I messaged you. I had just enough to pay my rent and pay a couple bills but I wrote him a message hold on one second do you and you know something we don't know in this fucking room?

It's like way over there are there's probably a can with a string of it and there's another can on that side and you people like communicating laugh right now fuck up please with them what the fuck is going on I'm amazed that I'm getting this out. No, but it was just, I didn't ask you for, like, a job.

Like, people get hit up a lot of times for I want to work with you or do this for me. And all I remember, I was so fucking depressed. You've had a little bit too much to drink. Anyways. I was sitting in, like, a cubicle that used to be a closet. Like, literally, they needed so much office space that they took a closet and made it a cubicle for two people. And they kept me on because I needed the money. But there was no work to do.

And I messaged you. I fuck it. You didn't have flavors world. I don't know what's so funny. I'm just super high. What fucking elephant? The elephant the squirrel, you know. Evolutionly, cock sucker.

You're going to call up one of my four plows out, you shit now. You get all Cheebo chew up and you say shit and it wasn't for me Cheap or Cheapachy. I have become Who gives a fuck?

You gotta take a chance. It's Wednesday. You gotta do something. I have been saying shit that I would never say in 30 years lately because I'm getting old. Like I'm getting old.

Something's going on. It's not dementia. But something's going on. I'm saying little things. I'm saying them to myself and I'm catching myself and go, when that come from? Like the other,

that was stone to the gills. My mistake on Southwest. Big fucking mistake. Stone to the gills. You know what? Southwest don't bother me. I like South. Listen, when you're going to go to Tempe,

what are you going to do? When you're going to go to Phoenix? What are you going to do? Take a helicopter? No. It's an hour. So what? You sit next to some fat fuck for an hour.

An hour ain't going to kill you. You've done worse in an hour, and you're still alive. So Southwest ain't bad for Burbank to Phoenix. Burbank to fucking Sacramento or San Jose. You take Southwest. From LAX to Buffalo, I love you to death. LAX is not a flight to take longer than two hours.

There's no entertainment. And you're fucking peanut. What do you have a peanut allergy? You die on Southwest. Because everybody's eating peanuts. You're in the middle there. What are you doing? Like a fucking half a fag.

What are you going to do? You bring a helicopter. But you get high before every flight. Oh, you got to get high before a fucking flight. So it wasn't a mistake. You just don't always do it. What are you talking about? You always get a high before a flight.

You got me high before a flight to Austin where we had to take a bus to the plane. Remember that? When we went to Austin, they were doing construction on the terminal. Fucking American Airlines. There's certain fucking places you go to Oklahoma City.

There's like six places. They've got to take a bus. Terminal 44. It means you got to go downstairs. And they put you on a bus. And you got to go through LAX. That's the worst airport in the world. You see planes and shit.

next to you. They stop for a fucking plane. And you're on this bus. It's horrible. But I don't know what it is. L.A. Austin. It's Austin. It's like a couple destinations. If you fly American Airlines, you don't fly out of Terminal 44, whatever. You've got to take a fucking shuttle.

I don't know what it is. And it aggravates the fuck out of me. But when you're high, you get on the bus, you hold on to the fucking rail and you do what you got to do. You know, but you gave me, he gave me what he gave me tonight at at 4 in the morning. And I was flying and we had to go up and downstairs.

And then there was this, like, family of like... Anybody in this room ever wake up before in the fucking morning? By applause. Tell me the truth. For a job. For a job. Let these motherfuckers know what it's like. It's like you wake up in the twilight zone.

And when you're in the shower, you're doubting your existence. Like, what the fuck am I doing this? On Monday, you're fine. You're fucking Chip Magoo. I love my job. On Sunday, at the bar. barbecue with your family, you're acting like a fucking asshole. We all do it.

I love my job. It's a great job. But by Wednesday you're in the shower, and even coffee can't help you. Because you stayed up to watch Empire till 10.30, and it threw your fucking night off. Getting up at 4 in the morning is

fucking miserable. And it's like going to church. But church could be great if you take two hits off a joint. That's where you're going to church. And I don't say this to you as a podhead. I say this to you because it becomes soothing. You could sit there

and enjoy it. You know, you could sit there it's tolerable. You know, you don't want to go to church with alcohol on your breath and be like the fucking church drinker. Anybody could do that. Going there with a little fucking, you know, what is Biggie say at the end of respect? Whatever that fucking verses is about dropping in there

with roach bread and shit like that. You know, yeah. What was I getting? What was my point, Lee? You know what I understand that you think it's fun? Oh, okay, here's my point. All right. Did I help? My point is that when you wake up at 4 in the morning, it's hard enough.

But you want me to tell you what makes life a lot easier 4 in the morning? You put your coffee machine on. You already put the fucking thing on. It's on. All you got to do is get up and press a button. I'm going to run your motherfucker through to Captain Kirk getting up in the morning guide before you fly at 4 in the morning. Or if you have a job that sucks dick.

Because there's some jobs you get up at 4 in the morning. you gotta go to a warehouse at five, you could get stone to the gills at a warehouse. I love that shit. I used to have the pallet with the helmet, stone to the gills. The pallet going everywhere, breaking. The more pallets that broke, the more exercise I got.

That's how I looked at it. I would have to get off the thing and put the shit on the fucking pallet, the electrical wires or whatever the fuck I was doing. The conduit, whatever. Anyway, it sucks ass. But when you gotta fly, you gotta get up at 4 in the morning,

that really sucks. fucking dick, okay? So here's how Uncle Joey does. You get up, you pre-gram the fucking coffee machine. So when you get up, you fuck... No, first, I don't give a fuck about the water. Go to the shower, put the hot water on, close the door. You go to the kitchen, you pop the coffee machine on.

By the time you get back to the shower, you get a little steam effect. All the black kids come out of your nose. You go in the fucking shower. You wash your pussy, you get dressed. You're already packed. Me, I'm a fat fuck. I got to sleep at you. So I pack the machine while I'm getting...

dress. The luggage is already ready. I kick the cat out of luggage. There's always one cat that thinks he's going to fucking smuggle. Like I'm going to smuggle him like a fucking Colombian. Fuck you. Get out of here, cuck, sucker. And you got to check, because if you don't take them to pee on the way out, those little motherfuckers.

Then you don't know they pee on your t-shirt that you get to that fucking destination. So right after that, right? Now, you already had your coffee. After you had half your coffee, you go outside to the porch, and you bang out two little hits of marijuana, okay?

You're looking at me going, Joey, but it's 4.11 in the morning. That's right. That's my fucking point. You're about to get on a fucking plane that could go down. It could go down. So if you're walking on ice, you might as well dance, okay? If you come to me at 4.20 in the morning, and you say, Joey, before you leave, where are you going?

New York? That's a six-hour flight? Yeah. I got a little bit of heroin. You don't have to shoot at his wife from the Chinese people. I'll do it. Because I know I'm going to hell. I gotta go down there, walk through security,

take my shoes off, get fungus on my sock. Doug, that bitch was crazy. From the junk. Look at it. She has a white, like mini skirt on. I looked at her feet that were fucked up, but she had nice... And that's how I could tell she was a ratty bitch. She was out there trying to buy guys' drinks.

She's something. Something's not right there. She works for back page or something. She's like an undercover agent, like a something like that. She had that white skirt on. I wouldn't finger. You know the type of guy? This is a question for the guys. You ever look at a woman?

You're like, that woman's hot. But if I finger her, my finger might disintegrate in there. You ever look at a woman like that? Sometimes I don't like the judge a woman's pussy. I would never do that. I like pussy. I'll eat it even without smelling. I'll dive in there.

But there's some women you look at and you go, If I stick my finger in her thing, if I stick my finger in the pissy, it's like that little pond that Han had, End of the Dragon. He threw Jim Kelly in there. It's like that acid. You know your finger's not going to come out.

No blood, no none. It's just going to get disjointed right at the joints. You just had that look. I don't even think of sticking my finger up a woman's ass like that. I know once you stick it in the fucking pussy, your finger's going to fucking melt. I swear to God.

And I don't mean to be rude, lady. I love pussy. I love fingering women, the whole fucking thing. Is she there? No, she's... Is she there? She's gone. Wow.

I don't give her fuck. I tie it through a face. It's one of those pussies that has no whang through it, but you know there's something wrong with it? You ever put, like, saran wrap on a grapefruit? And you know, it's fucked up? You're like, I don't know.

I ain't gonna take a chance. You know what I'm saying? It looks pink. The seeds are okay, but... This bitch hasn't had a checkup in you. years. I guarantee that. She needs a blood transfusion, that dirty bitch. That's

beyond the Hiv. She's got something deadly. She's got when the Hiv meets retardation, that fucking big. I'm sorry to be so candid, but you're my church family, and I love you, ma'am. You know what I'm saying? She's very sweet. You didn't need to hear that. But that's how we think. Sometimes men will look at women and look at like a woman's

ass and go, I don't think so. That's not right. She's fucking beautiful, but there's something not right about her ass. She don't wipe it. Something. Something's not right. And women say the same thing. If you look at me for the first time, you're like, that guy's ass and balls stink. I know that. I know that. When I look at myself, I'm like, that guy's ball stink.

I know that. I know that going in. But there's some people you look at it. You're like, I would never want to sniff his toes. You know what I'm saying? Something about the way he walks. That is fucked up. We've all done that, ladies.

There's women out there that love sticking a finger up your ass. But ladies, I know that if you've broken up with men, because that's not the type of guy, you don't want, you know you don't want to stick his finger. Something about his ass. He's nice, he's sweet, he loves his family, he's got a nice stereo, he opens the door for you. But you know that if you stick your finger up his ass,

something's not going to be right. So you just, it's not going to work out for you because you're a freak. You know the deal. Sometimes I love eating pussy. So when I look at a woman, I got to make sure that, you know, if I look at the toenails and I see dirt and a fungi nail, I'm not going to eat her pussy. If she's got a fungi nail in public, what's her snatch look like behind closed doors?

And I'm just talking to you from the heart, right or wrong? We're family here. This is the church. We talk amongst ourselves. Right, ladies? Am I lying to you? You go to a guy's house, lady. You walk in the bathroom.

And there's a bush of hair on the toilet seat. Are you going to suck his dick? No, it's over. You're going to automatically get sick. That wine had something in it. You didn't Cosby me, did you? I got to go. Sure, there's just something men do that you don't like,

and we feel the same way. But the disintegration finger, that's a true story. I had that once. I brought a girl home once I knew something was right. And the reason why I didn't want a finger, because I thought she could have been a man at some time. You about that feeling? How old were you?

Maybe 21 in Aspen, Colorado or something like that. Nothing happened. We didn't have sex. I think we were like 13. No, 13. 13, I was whacking off dreaming I had the balls to eat somebody's pussy. At 13, I was dreaming of having the balls.

Like, I would sit there. Hopefully someday I'll swap, spit, with a woman. I was too busy trying to get good at basketball. My friends were getting their dicks up and alleys and shit. by cheerleaders. I did did a cheerleader for a while, and I really liked it. I'll tell you guys the story,

then we've got to wrap it up. This is a fucked up story, man. I love Irish chicks. That's my freak. Okay? Let's get it out of the way. I love women. I love all types of women.

I don't give a fuck. Who shows up? You know, if I look at you and I can tell that my fingers not disappear, we're going to have a relationship at some point. I'm married, but I'm saying, you know, this is, This is how I thought when I was in the eighth grade I played I went to school in

North Bergen but I'm a Catholic I wanted to be part of some and they had C.Y.O. basketball. Our lady of Fatima wouldn't take me in North Bergen because I lived out of the district so I had to play for St. Michael's of Union City. Anybody know who Tommy Heinsen is? He's from Boston. He's from that school and it's a small school and it's a Catholic school but up the corners Holy Rosary Academy and they're a bunch of dirty freaks. a bunch of eighth grade cacklers girls who their dads go to pick them up and shit and they gotta wear skirts they're fucking crazy and in the back they stay overnight some of the girls stay overnight so i started playing basketball for them and the chile it was this girl Colleen and i really liked them man she had red hair and she had tities already and you know i didn't know where it was gonna go but between us i didn't think of fucking or nothing like i didn't have that perversion at that it wasn't even there yet it wasn't even there i was to the dry humper maybe like new yorker

had broken my heart. Nikki, after the dry-humping and getting left back, fuck that. I was aware of a pussy. It's like going to rehab for Coke. You come out, and now you have a certain respect for it.

You know what I'm saying? Like, I only do that shit on the weekends, motherfucker. Like, once this girl broke my heart, guys, I was done. Like, I was done for like a year and a half, maybe two years with women. I just focused on basketball and getting smarter,

and, you know, because I failed. and I meet this girl and she's fucking cute and fuck I would sit there and watch a cheerleading and shit and she'd be shaking that ass and I'd be going crazy in my head and there was song I forget what the love songs were then like Billy Joel

had a big song in those days and I used to dream and ask her to go because around the corner was Enzo's pizza so I would dream and just going up there and having the balls to go up to and ask when I go to pizza one day I just did after like a practice I go you want to go get pizza she's like fuck yeah

And we started talking shit And she gave me a number She had a partner that was Cuban Her name was Sarah So right away, you know, it was okay The girl was Cuban, I was Cuban She was from Emerson Not to sidetracking, remind me of this

Of what? So about remind me of what we're talking about here About St. Michael's but The girl Sarah We were friends when I was 13, 14 And then once me stopped dating I would see Sarah out Sarah out. Sarah was one of those girls

that was a woman at 12. They were just holding it down. She was a Cuban girl. She had big tits. So I would see her at clubs when she was 16. I'd have a phony ID. And I'm not talking about, like, you know,

someplace, some people. I'm talking about in New York City. I'd be there with my older friends. And I'd see Sarah. That was pretty hot. So I'd say hello to her. She'd say hello back to me. There was nothing really serious there.

Watch out. So one night I go to this fucking place in Hoboken. One night I go to this. this bar in Hoboken, and I see Sarah, and I'm with this dude, Furnie Basasuto, who has thick fucking glasses. You know, he's handsome as fuck Cuban, Puerto Rican,

built little fucking waist. He looked like a fucking adonis, but he had goofy glasses, thick fucking glasses. He couldn't really see, and he was kind of goofy. He got fucked up every night. Every night. He used to take cocaine and cut it so much that it would turn into like spackle.

and he would do it by himself and he would get rings around his mouth and he couldn't even snort no more he was a fucking fiend. When I robbed that janitor and I had those epileptic pills and I gave him out to people he's the only one that called me back and said give me more of those fucking things.

Everybody else was pissed off because I gave me epileptic pills. He was like give me more of those things. Those things were fucking great. This guy was crazy. So we're at a bar in Hoboken and it's our friend who has got a band of something stupid. The bar is called Janeros.

It's like that first bar you went to when you thought you were cool. So I'm standing there. God knows what I got on me. It's me. It's Fernie. And it's stinky. Glenn Conti at the end. And I come up and Sarah's there.

The Cuban girl, Sarah's right there. And there's a girl in front of me. And there's another girl. There's another girl around Sarah. So I come up. I hug Fernie. I hugged Fernie. I hug her.

I hug Glenn. and I sit there and I looked at it Sarah, I knew Sarah. I grew up with Sarah. By this time we were 17 maybe, I reach over and I grab her ass gently. And she turns instead of turning this way,

she turns this way and sees my buddy Fernie with a white shirt on drinking an Alabama slammer with those stick glasses, she turns around, sees it's Fernie and just punches him right in the fucking face, right? Fernie's glasses fly off

so now she's got free reign with Fernie she punches him again punches him again punches him again Fernie goes down he's fucking blind he's feeling the floor feeling for the glasses me I'm howling right me and Stinky are fucking howling

we're making believe like we're getting involved but we're like oh my God I can't believe this all happened from me grabbing this poor girl's ass she's got she's kicking him right in the mid-s This is tremendous with a heel His whole body's going up Finally the bouncer come pulls him off

Fernie, we picked Fernie up Fernie gets up, he had a white shirt Now it was fucking red Right in the middle like there was a big red spot And I remember my friend Larry McNeil coming old with drunk going Ferney Because Ferney looked he was Cuban

But he had Chinese eyes and so shit He got Furney I never seen you without glasses But if you ever want to get a job with the Chinese restaurant I'm sure the eye Fernie's heart broke and Fernie was a killer Fernie turned out to be a fucking serious savage

but I'll never forget we found his glasses with the one lens missing so he put the glasses on we stayed there the rest of the night and he just held the drink the rest of the night with his glasses with the one lens and we drove home

he never even said them to me forget like he never goes that was your fault for grabbing her ass he took the bitch slap I had to get up for that one out of respect for friend. I sent him a friend request about four years ago. He has not responded.

His brother communicates with me. His brother had point of ears to. I used to call him Elroy. All right, so back to the girlfriend. I really liked it. And something happened. We started, you know, she was a cheerleader of the season. You know, during the season, after the games, we'd hold hands and walk down

Bergen, Lane Avenue, or we go to diners, or we go to pizza places, and just, you know, and we started making out, right? That's a good start. There was never really, guys, I didn't have that thought at that age. And we used to make out outside

because her dad was strict and she had two hot her sisters that had red hair and freckles that were fucking smoking. And in those days, I just dated Irish chicks. I went from, like, fucking Kathy Moran to Valley. McNeil to fucking, I mean, it was tremendous to fucking, I love Irish chicks, so Catholic chicks, Irish chick.

We really hit it off, guys. It was April. We were swap and spit. I think I felt the tit of the movie theater. We were holding hands, you know? I really dug her. And one day, one night she calls me up. It was a snowstorm, like a 20-incher, and we had no school for the week.

So she called me night before. And she goes, my dad's leaving in an eight. Why don't you take the bus down here? And I was a little intimidated guy. It's like, I didn't know if I brought a condom. I didn't know if we were going to dry hump. You know, in those days, all I want to do was play basketball and rob money from my stepfather.

That's all I wanted to do. That's all I did was try to break that money with the rubber band and figure out how he wouldn't know. And now I got this little girlfriend that I kind of liked, but I would not let myself fall in love with it because of what happened with this other chick who broke my heart, the dry hunker in the sixth grade. That dirty whore.

She's on Facebook. She won't be my friend, no more either. That sucks. Yeah, she fucking sucks. We were friends for years, and she got pissed because I wouldn't go to the prom. What the fuck? You got other options.

Uncle Joey don't go to proms and shit. So, guys, listen to this. Listen to this fucking story, right? And I think I've said this publicly. I get down there, I take the bus down there. I don't know what to expect. I don't know if we're going to dry hump. I don't know if we're going to swap spit.

I don't know what to expect. I go to a house. And she shows me a house. She shows me her bedroom, the sisters. The dad had loot, the mom, whatever. And she says to me, I go, what times your dad get home? She goes, my dad gets home about 5.30. I go, what times your mom get home?

And she goes, my mom died about three years ago. I don't have a mom. Guys, I had never experienced that. Like, at that age of 13, I was so naive that I thought your mom was around forever. So when she told me this, that she didn't have a mom, guys. It was like taking the fucking oxygen out of me. me. Like, I was like, I gotta go. Like, I really got to go. And she's like,

what's the matter? I just don't feel sick. I got on the bus, and I went home, and on the way home on the bus. I'm saying to myself, who doesn't have a fucking mother? Who doesn't have a fucking mother? What the fuck did you do? In the previous fucking life,

not to have a fucking mother. Everybody has a mother. I definitely have to edit this. Even a fucking scorpion has a mother. Jeffrey Dharma had a mother. I mean, guys, guys, guys, don't judge me.

I was 13, I was very naive. I knew about criminality. And I knew about all this bar shit and drugs and shooting people because of the environment. But I didn't know nothing about, you know, I never imagined something like that. Who fucking does this happen to? There's a God, right?

I went to church. I went to fucking church. And there's a fucking God. And there's a stations on the cross. and you're supposed to be protected when you eat that fucking cookie. So, so, who doesn't have a fucking mother, guys?

I'm talking about right now, don't be fucking irrational. Put yourself being 13 years old. The first time you heard somebody did not have a mother, you were like, Jesus, fucking Christ, you didn't even think of that happening to you. Like, fuck not having a dog or fuck not having a father

or your grandfather died, but the fucking daughter not having a fucking mother. So guess what this fucking jerk off did? I couldn't talk to her no more. I could not fucking talk to her no more. I called her a week later and said, listen, man, I can't keep going down there on the bus. You know, I really like you.

She never knew. I could not fucking tolerate it. I could not think about it. That was the eighth grade. Well, two years later, I find my mother dead on the fucking floor. And guess what I thought about? What the fuck do you think of it?

I thought about. I couldn't believe that I thought that way. The fuck you get on about cock's second. I've tried the time down again. And this is what happened for me. Like, I could never think of this, and now this is happening for me. I never forgot that girl's name. I look her up on Facebook, like, once every 15 days. I do.

And I look at the pictures, and I look at her pictures, and I try to get the strength to even add me as a friend so I could tell her that story. really do, guys. I don't fucking have the balls to fucking... Every two weeks, I look at that thing. And I look at the picture, she's all fucked up now. She hasn't blocked you?

She didn't block you? No, she's got like, you know, there's her second marriage, and she's got two different type of kids. Cute kids, you know what I'm saying, when you mix like fucking... She's got like an Arab kid and a Spanish kid. I'm not saying nothing bad.

I'm just telling you a story. And she lives in... She says, you know, She lives somewhere else in Jersey. And, you know, I've always felt fucking guilty about that. Like, how the fuck could I feel that way at that age? Like, what I thought was unimaginable is fucking happening to me, you know? So it freaks me out now. I'm 26.

Doesn't it freak you out? Thinking about it? Yeah, it freaked me out. I snorted coke for 27 years. That's how much it freaked me out. I kidnapped the guy. That's how much it freaked me out. I robbed the gas station eight times.

Poor Freddy. How many punches did he take to the head? I ate cheeseburgers for 26 years. Huh? That was the creepiest podcast of all time. But, but fuck. Listen, guys, listen to me. I'm the type of guy I like crazy people.

So I really don't give a fuck. You know, that guy is a great guy. The pimp is a good guy. not a bad guy. He's really cool. He really is cool. You can see his creepiness but guys, who is it? What guy? Listen, what guy in this room? What guy in this room

right now? Wouldn't want to own a whorehouse with 400 women, a millionaire and you can walk out with a robe and have somebody just ring a bell and a woman comes flying at you through the air takes your dick out and sucks it. What man's fantasy isn't that? It's not for me, but

He's doing well with it. And they're all doctoral candidates, remember? The one the first time was from BU going to medical school. He always dates like these doctoral candidates. It doesn't really make sense. You know, and listen, more power to them. She says she's got 45 grand put away that she made money. Sometimes, ladies, you got to sit there and go, fuck it.

I got to start sucking dick. I'm 19, I got this great pussy, and I get stabbed once every three months. I'm on fucking match.com. Ain't nobody hit me up. This is the best years of my pussy when anybody would really, really want it. You know, these perverts, they paid high dollar for 19. But you're sitting at home,

watching fucking glee, whatever the fuck is on. And I'm not an advocate for prostitution, but that's the other side of it. I would never want a woman to go out there like disintegration finger sitting there all fucked up for two hours.

You think she's fucked up saying that? shit because she's happy now she fucking flipped the button 20 years ago and now she's trying to make a comeback but it's all over it's all over you know everybody's worried about concussions how many times can a pimp bit slap you in the head before you lose your memory where you're from I have no idea I've sucked 80 dicks that's all I fucking know I get 200 and the guy keeps 190 and gives me 10 fucking dollars you imagine that's sucking a dick for 300 and giving somebody 250 and you keep 50 fucking

dollars, that's a nice goddamn life, huh? Your mom did a great fucking job, and your mad teacher did a good fucking job. He never told you percentages and shit like that. I remember you gave me like a big chunk of the gummy star right before they came in

and I didn't know he was going to be there. So I look out the door on this fucking Juan Jeremy coming in. We don't have enough chairs I had to go and find another money. and he's there fucking looking like really weird. I was getting hired by the minute and I just sit on a bucket. I do not like porn.

I rather jerk off from fantasy. I do not like porn. But you've seen him fuck? But when I was in 1987, I worked at a video store and I put one of his films on and I thought it was just wrong. I thought it was just wrong. I don't ever want to watch a man fucking somebody,

But if it is, I want him to look like Superman. Right or wrong? I don't want to see no fucking fat guy like me, fucking some chick. I want his body to be banging, you know what I'm saying? I don't want to see his dick. I don't want to see his ass. I want to know he goes to the gym. He's taking care of himself.

You know, even if he gets fucking VD. He's all right the next day. He goes to the gym. How many diseases do you think Ron Jeremy got in his life, guys? All of them. You imagine that? What is dick when he goes to heaven, what God's going to say to him? Like, Ron, really.

He's going to have the harmonica. Practicing. When he took the harmonica, guys. That one time, I thought Lee was going to have really a heart attack. I really, I was the first time I was really concerned with Lee's health. He didn't stop. He got caught one of those. I was sitting on the floor.

And he couldn't fucking breathe, and his box kept breaking. The more and more, his box kept breaking. And you can't see it, but Joey will like make eye contact with someone and then look at me. And I knew you were planning it for like 20 minutes. And then he just like looked at him and looked at me and said, hey Ron, why don't you break out the harmonica? And I just, oh? Because he knew it was gonna get me. You're evil.

You could have got to that entire thing with the harmonica. There is nothing like seeing somebody's face when dangers come up. That's the best way to describe it. There is nothing like seeing someone's face when there's danger coming. When somebody sees you, they're happy to see you, and they make eye contact with you, but they step wrong and they almost break their ankle, and they get all twisted up,

and you see that look on their face, I think. There is nothing better than danger. Another one of my guilt stories, then we'll get the fuck out of here. I had this kid that lived next to me. Valentin Farrow. I don't care. Don't erase his name.

I haven't seen him in years. His name is cool? Yeah, he's cool. I can't find him. I've been looking for him for 10 fucking years. He was a great kid. He was a nerd. He was the first real nerd I knew.

He could fix anything. But his specialty was bikes. If you brought him a stolen bike, give him fucking two hours. Two hours. He was like gone in 60 seconds with that movie. New Vin, new paperwork, seats.

This motherfucker was back. How old was he? 13. He lived on top of Kathy Ortiz. They were Jehovah Witnesses. So we got her number. Me and him would call Kathy Ortiz in Spanish,

De Titoe, de Jolla, de Jolla. And we hang up the fucking phone, right? What's that mean? Jehovah fucking witnesses. Jehovah fucking witnesses. That's what that fucking means. All right. So, and next to him

live the Clemens' The Clemens'es were the family of like 12. I love Michael Clemens. I love Mr. Clemens. I love the sisters. But there was a rumor going around it. They had fleas. Wait.

Did you start the rumor? No, no, no, no, no, no. So a Cuban kid at McKinley told him one time. Glamito, his name was Mike Clemens. So this kid, Martin Perez, said, Clemente, Tiena, Bioho, in front of a thousand white kids. So now every one. white kid at the school every time we see Clemens

would say clementot de novo. Clemente de novo. So we had Clemitos next to Jehovah Witnesses. Next to Valentin, the dead devil upstairs, next to my family who was a bunch of fucking coke snorting, coke dealing santa rea, killing chickens and shit. There was a little guy down the corner from me, a little tiny guy that was real prejudice, and he was just sitting in front of his house

with his wife. And every time he'd see me go, where you going, Spick Boy? They'd go up there and kill some chickens? He told me what was going on in my house. Uh-oh, you got those dark-skinned Cubans over there. I guess you're having one of those Santa Rear parties. Somewhere

there's a goat that's missing. Fucking hysterical this guy. Mr. Otino, I hated that motherfucker. But he was comical. I never got offended by that shit at that age, because I didn't know why. I didn't have time. Really? Spickboy. And I would laugh. It was hysterical. He used to say shit to me all the

time. But the point we're getting that's a one at some age I love motorcycles. I learned how to rob these. My friends used to rob motorcycles and one day I bought one a Honda 50, a mini trail. There are no clutch three speed. Oh shit. And you would take him to fucking Valentine

and he would bore those motherfuckers out. So instead of doing 22 miles and now now you could do like 90. Fucking Valentine was a bad motherfucker. He had cylinders coming out of your engine and shit. Valentin Farrell could work on anything, guys. I'm not kidding you. but I had all these

I had that and I had an XR 75 Valentin's mom wouldn't let him have a fucking motorcycle but he could have all the bicycles he want because Valentin's Achilles heel was he was a fucking dead devil a natural born dead devil like fuck you with that ramp you're a fucking piece of shit

he would take a bicycle on top of fucking stairs and go down to me and then fall and break his shoulder but he'd come back six weeks later ready to do it again Valentin was the original motherfucking those people, jackass. Only he was fucking Cuban, and he

fucking hung up by himself. He didn't do drugs. He didn't drink. His mother would go, and he could hear that whistle anywhere. We could be in the middle of something. He would just dissing fucking pee-ahed. It was hysterical. So he was one of my gumbas. I always loved Valentin Farrow. But every time he hung out with me, something

always bad happened to him. He always had that luck, and then I'd see him the next day, and he'd go, the fuck man you know why'd that board come flying out of the air something was just bad chemistry and I loved them we were tight but every time we'd hang out we'd hang out for a day and I'd lure them with my energy and the next day something would always happen to him so again it's christmas eve and we're out there fucking talking about motorcycles and my buddy called me richie vanichick and he goes dog I want to sell this motorcycle I got he had one of those longmore ones you guys ever see those, this is old school.

You pull him and he had him board out. Richie Vanekson was a Czechoslovakian kid. That was another dirty mechanic, motherfucker. This thing was even faster than my fucking Honda Mini Trail. This thing had sparked 50 bucks. But he goes, don't ride it because the seat isn't on

there. He goes on the way home, go real slow because the seat isn't screwed on tomorrow or after Christmas, go get a fucking screw and screw it on there and then you can ride it. me, okay, but it had just snowed three or four days earlier. It was very

cold and there was black ice. So I rode the motorcycle home. I get in front of my house, they open up the garage and I'm revving the motorcycle. Within two minutes, you hear the window open up, the slider Valentine Farrow. He's like, what's going on down there? Oh, shit. Is that yours? I go, yeah, he goes, I'll be right down.

And he closed the windows, and you can hear him and his mom, boy, bavahou, no way. They'd argue. And then you see Valentine come out the window and shit. So Valentine comes home and he's looking at it and he's foaming from the fucking mouth, guys. He's like, this is bad to the bone. He's like, how much did you pay for this?

I go, 50. He's like, I got $22. Let me be a partner. I'm like, come on, Valentine. And he goes, let me take it for a test spend. I go, Valentine, the seat don't work. He goes, fuck that. Guys, I lived on, I live in North Berger.

I came in North Berger. It's the second hill he is town in the country. Second Hill, he is town of the country behind San Francisco. Every hill is like this. He made me looking up on Wikipedia. A fucking unbelievable. Their hills are like this.

In North Bergen, there's a hill. 43rd Street, it's like this, guys. I wish I was lying to you. The hill I grew up with was like this, but it was two miles to get to the fucking civilization, up and down. There was one Chinese restaurant. There was a Chinese bodega at Chino.

He was a Chino-cuven, half-Chinese. And on Sundays, oh yeah. He had a banging daughter. She looked like Lucy Lou in 1978. Banging. And on Sunday, days he made catnumah with his spare ribs and he made pork fried rice right out of the back of the fucking bodega before the Arabs were doing this shit he was doing this in 79

so I don't know how do we end up talking about that chino the name of the grocery was El dragon grocery right and you call it like his friends call the Chino store yeah the chino store the whole fuck I'm sorry no offense you know I love you and I know that's some Asian people here you know I love you that's he was cool This motherfucker was badass. He woke me up like after Pink Floyd DeWall that whole era like 1980. I went out when I did a couple of Kuelus

and it was really cold. And I broke into his little lobby there and he woke me up. Oh, Antonio, went to freaky-dun on the floor. Devan'tate, chigo, and he woke me up. What the fuck? And he saw me a couple days later.

He got it, no, you can do you dole dores. He was Chinese guy, but he spoke Spanish. And his cousins had a store on 56th Street. Bonachina. The Chinese bell. Who's better than them? Fried rice, black beans, a spare rib,

and a steak, you understand me? Smoking those fucking Cuban Chinese guys, right? What was I talking about? I don't know. What? Oh, Martine. Oh, whatever. Good job.

All right, so Valentine says, fuck it. Let me take the bike for a ride. I go, Valentin, there's no fucking thing on this. He goes, fuck it. You know me. I'm a professional. I go, all right, take it. This motherfucker gets on the motorcycle.

Boom, boom, boom. Go through the top, top, top of the hill. Top by Grace Savoyer. The onion, that was her name in Spanish. Her name was Grace Savoyer. Her mother had an affair with this big fat guy. And whenever he was fucking her, we put a banana in his tailpipe way before Beverly Hills cop, motherfuckers. Forget the banana in the pen.

But forget the banana, the tailpipe. We put a potato in this tailpipe. This is 1974. Fuck you. Check your fucking facts. Who gave us that? Valentin Farrow. He was a fucking, whatever, a mechanic dude. What? Where does the onion come in?

Her name is Grace Savoyer. Savoyer in Spanish is the onion. What the fuck, we? Wikipedia that, cuck, sucker. So now, Valentine goes to the top of the hill. Guys, it's 10.45 in Jersey. It's December 23rd or 24th. It's fucking freezing.

And there's black ice on my block. He goes to the top of the thing. He's revving that motherfucker standing on the thing. And he looks at me and he's like, watch this. And he sits down guys and he takes off. And I could see his face. He's fucking determined. He's like this.

But all of a sudden, the bike tire, the real one, hit a piece of black ice. Uh-oh. And the tire went this way, and he twisted a little bit. But when he went like this, the seat got loose. So he was holding on to the handlebars, right? But the seat was all the way loose, so he was like this. Right?

So once he adjust, it was fear. Like he went from evil can evil, like, give me the finger and shit with a big smile on his face. To fucking fear. He just locked up. Like he was just held on. And he was looking at me. and he didn't know what to do

and he was losing control and the seat was slipping farther and farther and eventually he'd have to just let go but Valentin was a soldier he held on all the way to the end to Union Turnpike by that time there was smoke coming out of his sneakers

because they were just hanging there oh my God Union Turnpike is a street that goes this way you know and we were going this way I was going this way I was like this And finally, right before he hit you, the intermpeight, he let go on the fucking bike.

The bike went across the lanes. The bike survived. Valentin did 19 of those fucking... Sub-Bah, ba-pah, pa-pah-pah-pah. He had like a balcony. He got stitched up. On Christmas Eve, Valentine had to go for fucking stitches, dog. He fucked his Christmas on.

He was mad at me for like three months. But fuck him. It was, you know... I wasn't even worried about him. When he was tumble, I was worried about the bicycle. And I'll tell you who... whose house lived at the end, whose motorcycle that would have hit if I would have not got there. It all goes back to break into a house and eat her pussy.

Lucy Snorbush. There you go. I love you guys. Thank you very much coming out. I love you guys around my heart. Have a great weekend. We'll be outside. If you got a joint, spark it.

We ain't shy. If you are notable for Lee. We'll be out there waiting on you. Thank you.