The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - The billy goat tongue

Episode Date: November 25, 2025

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt are back! This week, Joey talks about making decisions as a man, his search for something positive to do with his life, Lee's purple tongue, and much more! See Joey and Lee LIVE at Parx Casino on 11/26: https://tinyurl.com/4e3rent9 SHOW NOTES  Download the DraftKings Pick6 app now & press in code JOEY. Play just $5 & get $50 in Pick6 Bonus Picks. For a limited time, our listeners get 60% off FOR LIFE AND 2 Free Gifts at Mars Men when you use code JOEY at http://mengotomars.com/ Get timeless holiday staples this season with free shipping on your order & 365-day returns at https://www.quince.com/CHURCH  

Kick this motherfucking Neil Lee. What's happened, you savages, Uncle Joey, and his trusted little fucking Jewish cato here for another episode of the Church of What's Happening now, new edition, November 25th. 16 years of married today. Congratulations. That's right.

Who cares? You know what I'm saying? Who cares? And you're here. 16 years of fucking married today. But what are you going to do? We're here for another fun-filled episode. We're sorry about last week.

Things happened. You know what I'm saying? One of the bulbs went out. And just one bulb went out And we couldn't do the podcast But we're here today That's it So last week of November

You've got maybe three and a half More Mondays to Christmas And here we are Lee Syatt Fucking here we are Wrapping up the last fucking part of the year My favorite part of the fucking year Oh it's the really

You used to hate it I love it Because I'm taking off after next Friday the 5th After Virginia I'm done for the year Oh yeah I already called

true me yesterday. He's delivering mushrooms tomorrow at at 6.30. For the month, he's delivering an ounce of the long neck ones and the little baby stub that look like a little Joey Dia's dick. They're like two inches with a big helmet on top. Is that the name of the strain? I don't know. And it's a fucking, it's a holiday season, Jack. I'm an old man. I've already done everything during the holidays. I ain't shopping. I ain't doing nothing.

Not even Amazon? I'm working out. I'm fucking smoking dope. And I'm just waking up and going to bed. That's it. Zero fucks. I have nothing to do until January 31st in Staten Island. So what do you think? Oh.

So you're taking like basically two months off? Month and a half. I mean, you know me. I'll be getting on stage once a week. Oh, yeah. But no long trips. You semi-retired. No, nothing.

I don't have to see a plane until March. Oh, yeah? February. Fuck yeah. Oh, I thought you were going somewhere else. No, you're staying home the whole time? I don't fucking know. It all depends.

That's all. Dude, you were just talking before the podcast about how excited you are to be home now. Like, you just hate leaving the house. You don't even want to go eat anymore. You told me... I gave up. I gave up. Listen, nothing is happening nowhere.

I would love to tell you that. You know, I would love to hear... It took me five years to come to this realization. Five years. Call my nephew on Fridays and Saturdays. He's not at Studio 54. He's going to a friend's house to eat a steak or to watch a fucking New England game. Dr. George, he's my age.

Ask him what he's fucking doing. He ain't doing nothing. I call my friends on the weekend. What are they doing? Nothing. And I have friends that'll tell me, I'm just sitting here watching TV. It's two in the afternoon. On the weekends?

On the weekends? And I'm like, I refuse to get in front of a TV at two in the fucking afternoon. So I had to figure out. I said, you know what? There's nothing going on. There's no reason to get in the car and drive around. You're not going to find anybody. You're not going to find anybody.

Whether I come up here or stay by my house. Those days are done. Nobody hangs in the daytime. Everybody works. I don't know what happened. New Jersey used to be a state where nobody worked. Fucking nobody worked. Every bar was packed from 8 in the morning to 5 in the afternoon.

Everybody was on unemployment collecting. you know, now you can't find the motherfucker unless you drive down Bergenleine Avenue and you might see somebody from fucking, you know, when you played CYO ball or some shit. I never thought you'd be upset about that about people weren't. People are doing too much. They're working.

It's just, you know, what happened? Nobody, listen, I'm not talking about an L.A. or another place. I'm talking about this neighborhood. Right. Used to be a daytime neighborhood. You never wanted a job. You refused a fucking job

because you might miss something in the daytime, and you might miss something at night. What are you going to miss? Who knows? Somebody's giving blow jobs. I don't know. I don't fucking know, but I'm just telling you. I did like working nights.

Like, when we first met and I was working nights, it's a fun, because you do have the whole day free. But, like, you're an introvert, too. Like, you don't mind being by yourself, so you won't go do something by yourself? What can I go do by myself? Go see a movie. I went to the mall, and I peed on the second three.

You know. There ain't a fucking movies. Yeah, there really aren't. There ain't no movies that you can go, oh, this afternoon, get excited, have a Chinese lunch. Those days, that shit's done. What am I going to see Wicked by myself?

At 2 in the afternoon and sing along? That would be a problem. Yeah, if you got to walk into Wigan. Half of those movies that come out are rough. It's a rough watch. The running man, they're just rough. So I remember out for years. I would get mad at my friends that had parents,

that had, like, a house, that had a basement. And they'd be like, whee-de-h. And I'd go, bro, where the fuck are you going? If I had what you had, I wouldn't leave the house. And this is way before Uber or Uber eats or fucking dirty people delivering food to your house with dirty fingernails and shit, and you eating. Yeah, that's it really great. You know, I owned it from Carvel.

It got here. It was melted. Well, what did you expect? You know, there's so many stucingles. stupid fucking people out there. But at the same time, even with all that, I don't even dig into all that. The only thing I dig into when I'm home alone,

the only excitement is like reading a book, I fucking go online and I'll read about the dumbest shit in the fucking world. Just to read. Like what? Like a blog or something? I'll read like benefits of most peptides. Benefits of doing this exercise compared to this at 60.

I read stupid shit. Fuck. But at least I read. Yeah. In front of a television getting, you know, you know, whatever fucking chef Wami is cooking something. I don't give a fuck. You know, so half that shit don't pertain to me.

I'm not a sports center type of guy. I've tried watching some of those sports shows that got awful. They really? They're fucking god awful. I loved those growing up. I loved, and I have nothing against women's sports. and I totally get it. But when half of sports center is WMBA,

I'll just go online now and watch the highlights I want to watch. Well, you know what? WMBA don't bother me. It's just another, you know, every... It's like when you kill me with fucking tennis. When you got... The other day I went to a restaurant right away. I was going to strangle myself.

They had soccer right on in front of me. Like 18 million fucking sports in November. And you got soccer in front of me. Come on, man. Find the basketball game. Somebody's fucking playing something. You don't watch soccer? No.

Like, there's just a lot of shit that... My point is that fucking... For five years, I used to get upset and really upset and get down on myself. And then, guess what happened? I started fucking hanging out with people. I shouldn't have been hanging out with. Okay.

And I said, what is better for me? hanging out of the home with my cat smoking whatever amounts of dope I want because I go in and out of that garage, okay? I could smoke, I could eat edibles. I got seshuan right down the corner if I get in a pinch. You know, I got all these things around me. Listen, I wish I had four fucking people to do it with. I wish I had two people to do it with.

But it's not that world no more. You know, it's not that world no more. I thought about getting an apartment up here and just seeing George at night. George is fun at night. Like from 10 to 1, he's fun. But I'm trying, I'm passing out of the quarter to 11. So what am I at the apartment for to sleep up here, to sleep in the office? So I thought about all this shit.

Right. And what I need to do is have hobbies. And my two hobbies are stand up. Okay. It's a hobby now. It's not a career normal. It's a hobby. I'm not, there's no tours.

There's no pictures of me. A tour of two thousand. No, it's just, listen, this is what's going on this month. Take it a leave. I love you. You posted like a story with a picture of the poster. No link, no nothing. It's just the here.

I'm going to be here. That's the best I got. I don't know how to do anything else. I don't know how to do posters and fucking put voices and people kick. I don't know. I take the, listen, it's the simplest road out. Oh, that was like one of the first things I ever helped you with is like went to your house. Way before Mercy was born.

I went into your office and you had like a little. Like, not even a laptop. I think it was basically like one of those early iPads. And you had me post, or maybe it was a laptop, you had me post a picture for you on Twitter. And just uploading a picture to Twitter, you called me an unadulterated genius. And at least you can post a picture now.

You're pretty good at that. That's fucking funny. Yeah, but, you know, it's like, I don't know what the fuck to do anymore. Like, this is, I like that. And just all the gym activities I do is a hobby. because I monitor it. I'm like a nerd.

I monitor it. I monitor my strain. You know, why did this not happen today? But that's what I have to involve myself with now. Because that's what it is. I mean, listen, man. Am I heartbroken? I'm heartbroken about other things.

But there's nothing I could do about it. Nothing I can do about it. There's nothing I could do to get 20 more auditions a month. Well, Joey, you could get a new headshot and work on your reel. I've been there for 20, five years. They know I'm there. Right. You know, I wish

I had an audition more. I wish the things like that, but that's not it's just not happening, Joey. It's not, now I could say, Joey, you're a loser. It's not happening for me, but if you know anything about me, I make calls. Right. And it's not happening

for a lot of people my age right now. It's not happening for people your age in Hollywood right now. I was going to say, you think it's an age thing? Or what do you think? No, it's just. just a business thing. Business is down. They're not shooting shit

ever since this fucking strike. AI is looming. Yeah. I mean, you know, so am I upset about it? Like I said, I wish I had one or two more audition. It'd be nice to get a movie from time to time, but this is what it is. Have you thought about, because you

I don't know if you remember, but years ago, you were all, like, this close to going back to school for like a history class. You think about going to do anything like that? I do. But I'd like to go to a class because I'm too stupid to do it online. All right? I need to ask questions.

I'm one of those guys. I got to ask questions, bro. I can see that. I feel a lot better if I ask you a question and you look at my eyes. If I do it online, I'm going to get stumped, and then I'll never go back to it. Right. I'm one of those guys. Once I get stumped, now I'm embarrassed and now fuck the course.

But I'd love to take a continuing education class, like fucking brick masonry and fucking... Brickmasonry? You're 63? You want to, gee, I thought you were going to do history back then. What would you like for me to learn now? Something where you got to sit down. Why would I want to learn something like that?

I don't know you would. I'm not going to go back to me. Right now anything I'm learning is for me to enjoy myself with. Okay. Like even that idiot fucking Frank Columbo when he retired, he grew roses. And he won rose tournaments and shit with his roses. Right.

There's got to be some type of hobby. I don't know how to plant tomatoes. I don't know how to fucking cook. Do you want to? What about smoking meat? You just leave it in? You just put you just get a smoker? Dude, so many guys do it.

You just get a smoker and you just leave it in there. You just smoke a brisket. And who's going to eat it? You. Hopefully, I love brisket. You love brisket. Yeah, but I don't want to eat that shit every day. I don't want to do something that's kind of on the positive side.

Not that I'm stuck eating my own food, burying myself, it's stuck in 63, okay? Okay. If it's going to be something, it's going to be something, fuck, have you tried, have you motherfuckers tried coconut cult yet? Coconut Cult? It's called Coconut Cult. It's a fucking, you know, I love our probiotics here.

We have the best probiotic. But this is a live probiotic. And it comes in different flavors, but the coconut, yogurt, it's called a live probiotic. What does it do? Oh. It takes care of your gut health, free, pro, and whatever, but it's a yogurt that tastes like fucking a dream.

And you only take four teaspoons a day in the morning with breakfast. And then you shit right away? You don't shit right away. You'll shit later, but it's beautiful. It's proportionate that comes out like mountains in Colorado. You don't know what I'm saying? It smells like flowers. No.

I'm just saying that it's so fucking good. I wish I could learn to make something like that. Right. Like, I want to learn how to do something like that. That's not going to blow. Like somebody said, why don't you learn how to make meth? Then I blow up the fucking house. That's what you need the apartment up here for.

Yeah. But no, it's just, you need something. You know, I chose all my things. I'm not going to be one of these guys that I don't play golf. I'm not going to take up golf to be cool at this age. I got a 12-year-old daughter. All right? And that's 50% of my time.

As much as I'm not with a 50% I am. but I'm always conniving for a... Right, and you want to be home so that in case. Yeah, you know, I like to be home at a certain time every day. I like to do my own stuff, and... You know, man, and I don't mean to insult anybody with this. Either my friends or people who watch this show. You know, guys, there's some people that they've been moving from the age of 16 like Lee.

There's some people that have been moving from the age of 12 like me, or George or Nick. At one time you go, you know what, I'm not doing this no more. I'm not doing this no more. And I'll tell you why. Because all your life, you're living to do something for somebody. All your life. Oh, your aunt needs this. Right.

Your cousin needs this. You need this. And just one fucking day. That you could just go, I'm controlling my fucking realm. Especially coming from stand-up because, come on. I feel pretty busy now, and I'm nowhere near as busy as you. But, like, I don't, I don't think there's ever one day where I'm not doing, like, I'm always out. Always.

When you do stand-up, whether you focus, I was talking to Aaron Berg. Okay. So let's say you were to do five sets a night. After those five sets, you tape them all. And guess what? People like, oh, well, he's done for the night. No, I'm not done for the night. Because now my daughter and my wife were asleep, and this one I could really work.

So now I go home and listen to those four tapes And adjust on the jokes So I'm prepared for the next day Because the next day I'm going to be busy with my daughter Or I got to drive to the city Do a podcast That's the hour Nobody fucking sees

See, just like me I was delusional I thought that when you watch an HBO special You just called down there Hey what's going on down there today Nothing some cameras are going to come by Why you want to come by? Yeah, I'll be right down

And you just talk that shit That was my thing with stand-up. I thought that's the first time you said it. I didn't know you had to work on it and write and get two notebooks and fucking take a writing course and get glasses. I didn't know about all that shit. Right. And so now like...

Yeah, I didn't know about all that shit. And that's what the human person doesn't know. The consumer. The same way I don't know what it takes to be an engineer major. The same thing I don't know what it takes to make a hot dog, like a hot dog from scratch. We don't know. Right.

We assume. So people assume, well, these motherfuckers, they just show up and get on stage and talk shit and smoke dope. Okay. And does it kind of feel good to just be like, I'm not doing shit now? I'm staying home. I'm staying home.

And in pajamas, I'm doing whatever the fuck I want. You'll watch the movie The Rap Pack. No. It was a movie years ago, Ray Leota, in 2000, maybe 99. And they set a line in there that's always stuck with me. The guy goes, yeah, that was a great show tonight. Joey Bishop tells Dean Martin. That was a great show tonight.

Man, that's fantastic. And he goes, he goes, one of these days, these people are going to wake up and try to figure out what all the fuss was about. You know? And that's us in life. It's just big fucking fuss.

And one day when you don't have it, you're like, you either crack like I did for a while or you go, I kind of like this. This is what I got. This is what I got to work with. And this is what needs to be done now. I get that. But wouldn't you say, like, the last five years was kind of by choice?

Because as soon as COVID was over, you could have been out there. If you had wanted to be, you could have been out there 30 weeks a year. I wasn't ready. Right. No, and I'm not saying you should have been, but I'm like, it's not like people stop coming to your shows. You're just like, I don't want to go out. No. Which is, I get, but when I hear that quote, it makes me think like, oh.

People stop showing up. Again, again. That's a decision by a grown man that has not stopped since 93. And now it was 2020. That's a 27-year run. That's not what most people do. But if you go to college and you get out when you're 22 and you start working, 27 years puts you in like 50, correct?

Yeah. Around that, yeah. 22, 23, 27. You need a fucking breather. And I'm not talking about this was like an early, an easy 27 years. This was, you know, this was 17 years that were rough,

and then 10 years became easier, but more rough because now it involves stress and ticket sales and this and people calling you because you don't have a video made for it. And you're like, what the fuck? Right. What the fuck? So, dog, I was just burnt the fuck out.

Like, I had just had it. This was just, and to top it off, that world wasn't my world. I'm not the type of guy. Oh, my God, we love you. Oh, no, I know. Oh, my God. I'm not into those shit. So that was burying on me for a long time.

Right. That weighed on me. Because people wanted you to do that stuff? No, because I didn't want to be them. That wasn't who I was. That I was going to say, oh, my God, it's so great. We're so on. No, I don't give a fuck.

Just give me the check. Let's cut through the bullshit Let's cut you know why I'm here And I know why you're here Okay Again Moneyball The black dude

And Brad Pitt The guy's the oldest player on the team Oh yeah That was a great That's a great scene And he goes Let's cut this shit David Justice

David Justice We know why we're here You're trying to stay in a fucking I'm part of the dance And I'm trying to get the most out of you Do you fucking die? That's it You're getting

7 million a year. I ain't paying you that. The Yankees are paying you that. Because they don't want to play, they want to play against you. You know, just, and that's what comedy is. But we think it's something bigger, and then we start floating around with furs hanging out with young blood. You're a fucking comic, motherfucker.

You're nothing else but a comic. But for some people, they run with it, and they just lose their fucking mind. For me, the other way, I just want to be a comic. It's like, when you go to a theater, people are like, let's show you this historic theater. I don't need to see nothing. I need to see the historic check.

That's the end below. I'll be in the green room. I don't want to see the fucking wedge. The guy shot A. Blinking. I don't want to see any of that shit. That was my, I think I forget where it was. It doesn't matter. But it was like we were leaving.

And the guy's like, do you want to go up under the roof to see the fireworks? And you were like, no. You want to climb a ladder to go see the fireworks. It's over. It's over. You know, and you buy into that shit for a while when you're a young, You're like, oh, my God. And then you go home and tell, like, your girlfriend and your wife,

we performed at the same place where Lincoln got shot. Who cares? They gave you $200. What the fuck do you give a fuck for? I know. So that's those little things. Like, I avoided all that shit. I avoided being a fake person.

I avoided hanging out and being a certain person. I just was a North Bergen guy. And that's it. I just wanted this is a job. This is a fucking job. Nothing else. Yeah, become something else And then you become something else

I was trying to become that person I was just trying to keep it fucking normal That's it I don't have to have a guy follow me all the time With a video You ever notice that? Like these people walk in There's always somebody with a video

Where those people around me? Like, you know what I'm saying? Have you seen them do takes? Huh? That's my favorite. Like when they come, like I'll see them out there And they'll do takes Like they'll come in and like let me do that again

And they come in They'll just come into the green room And like do another end And do it Like give people a high. Five-fives. It is. I don't want to do any of that stuff.

Just let's start the show. It's like the 20 minutes of video before the show starts. Why? Just knock it off. Knock it the fuck off with this. So now we got two clubs. We got to tell. No video we don't show.

It's quick. This is quick. No 20-minute video. They got to put up with 20 different fucking acts that they'd never seen before. I would love to see you just to be there what you tell the managers that. Because I'm in a place. tell the manager nothing. I call my agent. I even, but if I were you, I would be the

one to tell them. No. Why? I don't want to cause any conflict. I'm going in there making a hundred bucks and they like, they love those videos and they have like scenes from like Anchorman and it's like and it doesn't make any sense, but I can't say shit to anybody and it's like and I

I'm coming in my pants thinking about the day where I can tell clubs, you know what? No. We're not doing this. We're not doing that. This is what my price is. oh my god i can't wait to be able to tell people stuff like that i can't wait oh i just want to be able to my dream is just to be able to tell people what i actually want to say my whole life you have to from the teachers to your parents to your bosses

you can't tell people anything and i you always you've used it seems like you do tell i'm so jealous of that i would love to be able to tell people what the fuck i actually want to Listen, man, it took me a long time, but then you get, you know, and then I started going off on these guys as Feature Act. Like, you got to the point where I was just going off on managers on Feature Act and club owners, because, nah, we're not doing this. We're not doing this. It's like I started that thing.

There's a whole video series about me calling comics and saying, that's the last Sunday you're working. What? Show Diaz. Don't ever catch me working a fucking Sunday again. What are you talking about, man? It's money. No, it's not.

It's slavery. We don't work on Sunday. And the more people who do it, and then people started paying attention. And now the clubs lost control of Sundays, and they hated me. Because I made everybody as a feature act. Don't work Sunday.

We don't work Sundays. We're gangsters. We're fucking Catholics. We don't work Sundays. Even if you're Jewish, you're Catholic. You don't work Sunday. That's just the way it is. But in comedy, you have so many weak links

that then they'll keep doing it. But if I take the high links out and tell them like that, like you're not working Sundays no more. And explain it to him. You're not there. And they'll go, you're right. What the fuck are you doing? That's the worst day to sit in your hotel room in a Sunday.

There is nothing like a Sunday in a hotel room. You watch football by yourself. You know, you go to a bar, you know. Even before podcasts? Because I get it. If you want to do a podcast Monday, I get it. But if I had nothing else, it sounds like a great day, especially during football season.

What? To just, you wake up whenever you want Saturday after a late night Saturday. That's. You chill. No. You watch it get a little food. Because I already did that Thursday. I already did that Friday and Saturday morning.

I only got two mornings. Oh. That third morning I already had the eggs were good to one day. And then you went to the other place to one day. You already ate at the top steakhouse. It's time to leave. That's it. Oh, I hate when weekends end.

I never want them to end. No. I love Sunday night. Saturday night. When they're like, let's take a picture. I already got the check. You should have asked me before the picture. I'm not taking a picture.

Oh, my God. I took that time off. Right. And it was a fucking big wrestle. Like, that was a big wrestle with myself. But I knew two things. If I would have kept going on the condition I was in, I would end up in really bad shape.

And I said, fuck it. This is what, again, I had a very good conversation with somebody today about comedy, and I know about this firsthand, okay? And this goes for life. This just doesn't stand-up comedy. Remember what I'm telling you people at home and here and you. In life, you elevate yourself.

Yeah, they give you a raise and give you 54,000, and then give you another raise in three years and give you 80,000, whatever. But in life, you elevate yourself. Like, comics are waiting right now. comedians especially. I will go back to comics. They're waiting right now for something to happen. Every comic I talked is waiting for something.

There's a few select that are making things happen. But even some of them are waiting for something to happen. Netflix didn't come back to them with an offer. This didn't pan out. Fox didn't pick up any shows. So everybody's waiting. And at one point, it's like anything else in life. How much longer can I take this abuse for?

Right. Okay. So now, instead of taking abuse, I'm going to give a little abuse and I'm going to learn how to work a little smarter. And I'll use an example that you guys understand. You're going to get a thousand calls. People are going to keep calling you for MC work. Okay. It's just me, I didn't give a fuck because I needed every dollar I could get.

But when you're on your climb, once you decide on feature spots, you're a feature. how many people call you the feature every month? Almost none. It's hard. Very fucking hard. So you got to say to yourself, you know what?

I'm not going to emcee no more. But Lee, and right when you make that decision, the phone's going to ring. Hey! We want you to emcee this week. It pays 408 shows, and you're like,

not you hang up that phone, your heart breaks. You're like, I need that 400. Or that spot. Even if it's not about the money, it's a spot. It's not about the money.

It's that. spot, but you've made a decision not to take any more feature work. You've made a fucking decision as a man, you've made a decision as a fucking comedian. You're not fucking doing that anymore. And the phone's going to ring every weekend

for 10 fucking weeks. Hey, you want to be an MC? Hey! And you got to... No! No! No! And you've got to find something out, deliver Chinese, whatever the fuck it is. And then one day when you're about to give up, that guy's going to call you and go, hey man.

My club in New Orleans, the feature fell out. If you're available, I love to have you, Lee. Right. And that club has four other sister clubs. Yeah. Do you follow me? So now you picked up six feature works. You were pissed at me because for a year, you starved a little bit.

For nine months, you starved. Right. And that's what I'm talking about. That you elevate yourself. You know, everybody's worried about a special. Everybody thinks they're special is going to fucking solve their fucking misery. and it's not. It's going to make it worse now.

Why? Because now you get put into a pool with other fucking people. Okay. Now you're doing what, what's the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again. With the same results.

You're seeing, you know, it's like the idiot that sits at home every Christmas and goes, look at those saps at the airport. You're seeing with their pillows and their teddy bears. There's a storm. And then one day you're like,

it's not going to happen to me. And you decide to take those planes. And there you are for a week stuck in fucking Montana. Oh, shit. That would be, dude, it happened sort of this week. I got past at my first club in Manhattan. And if I'm, because I was way, I was trying to be nice and polite for a while. And I kept hanging out and they kept putting me up. But I never, like, I want to get booked in advance. Like, I don't want to have to just hang out or like get the text that day. So I was talking somebody's like, just to ask. So I did. I just went up to the guy.

I was like, hey, man, I'm here all the time. I'd love to do some spots. If I can get on the system. He's like, sure. They did it right there. And I have two spots tonight. And it was like, it was just, speaking up is one of the hard, I don't, I'm not good at it.

I'm not good at asking for what I want. And I'm sure it's not always going to work. There's two other clubs in Manhattan that I call, I call these, the bookers every Tuesday. And they never pick up the phone. Fine. You're going to call them until they, change that number, die, or cancel their business.

Right. Just to let them know you're better than they are now. At this point, it's just a joke now. Right. At this point, it's just who's going to give up first? Right. You know, who's going to give up first? I have this company I called, like, maybe a year ago, to ask them about something.

Look, they call me once a week, and they send me emails. Hi, it's that time. I have not answered the phone since I called. They have the worst telemarketing department because they keep calling that number. About a week ago, I go, next time they call, I'm going to fucking pick up the phone and go, are you that fucking stupid? You are wasting it. The number's dead. The guy hasn't picked up an 11 fucking month. What does that tell you? They stop calling. Oh, that sucks. They must be looking forward to it. But at the same time, you know, Lee comedy is rough right now, and right now,

everything is rough. Let's fucking face it. This is going to be a great Thanksgiving for some people. I was watching people on CNN, the other night going, they can't afford everything for Thanksgiving. Like, they can't have stuffing, or this or that, you know, or prices are out of fucking control. The gallon of milk has fucking gone up, you know,

four bucks. I mean, you know, everything is rough. I mean, everybody, you know, businesses, restaurants, comedy shows, the numbers aren't what they used to a lot of these shows. It's a tough fucking market. And we're here waiting for something to happen.

Not going to happen. They're not doing that no more in comedy. It's just everybody, it's the same people get the Netflix specials. Now Hulu's opened up. They're giving it to a couple of big names, you know? Right. And some people are coming, like, I actually just bought tickets.

Tosh is going back on the road. Do you see that? Yeah, I got, I'm going to go see him. Where? Long Island. I'm going to go see him whenever he's coming out. It's not just Tosh that's going on the road next year. A lot of people going on the row next year.

A lot of people have announced tours. And people that haven't toured in a few years because that money's running low. And now you got, instead of 300 people chasing the same nickel, you got 400 people chasing the same nickel. Right. And Tosh is back, baby. And he hasn't been around for years.

I don't remember the last. That's dangerous right there. Yeah. coming around. I know Cristal Anzo's coming around. Oh, shit. And she hasn't been around in years, you know. I mean, Daniel's probably just bored.

Oh, you think so? Yeah, he's got $80 million somewhere from Comedy Central. Oh, yeah, he must. So he's just bored at home. Somebody had to twist his fucking arm. And I saw his schedule. It's fucking real. But it's, because I, and Sandler did the same thing.

It seems like when these big guys go out, they're like, I just want to go out for four weeks, and then just be done. Like they have shows almost Tuesday, Wednesday, Monday, every night they have shows, and then they're done with the tour. There's no more like just weekends. God, no.

Like, if they want to see me, they'll see me on a Tuesday. And you will. If you really like somebody, you'll go see them on a Tuesday. Yeah, you don't give a fuck. No. Because the shows end early anyway.

Right. It's a 7.30 show. What are you going to be out for? 10? Right. 10, they got to be off. It's a union, especially if they're in a theater or an arena,

whatever the fuck they're at. Mm-hmm. So that, that's the problem that you had. So, A show is safe now. When I went to a show, and we were kids and we went to the garden, they would go to one in the morning. They'd say fuck the fines.

And then they started to find them more and more. But, yeah, now you go to a show during the week. You're safe as fuck. Yeah. It's a night out. It's a dinner. And you go right to the fucking place, 7.30 show. Two, three openers.

He comes on, a dozen hour. That's it. There's no meet and greet. There's nothing. It's a fucking arena. It's a 5,000. street theater. He's probably on a plane back home within 45 minutes.

That's amazing. It's fun. It's fun getting to like see some of these people come back. I think that was a cool thing that you did. I know I was talking to you about it earlier, but like the fact that you took a break, I think it makes people more excited. Like whenever I'm

seeing, I'm meeting a lot of people. You know who I'm meeting a lot of people now who are like in their early early 20s and we're listening to us in like middle school and high school. And then like this is the, they weren't allowed to see you the last time you were in their city because they were 16. And now they're finally 18, 21, whatever you have to be. And it's like, oh my God, he's coming out again. Like I think that's what people like when they see you coming to their city, that's

what they're looking for. Like, oh my God. I mean, those weeks from taking off, I already went and got notebooks. I wrote like parameters. I wrote like subjects I want to tread with like a month of things I want to try like different and I really want to write like I really really want to write and try

and the problem is I just don't have access to the city we discussed this as much as I like to. You have access. I got access but fuck. And it's December Jack. That ferry is cold and a motherfucker and Christmas traffic and shit now. So you know my thing ends

This is what helps me. My thing ends in parks after Wednesday. I'm not in parks until next Thanksgiving. Okay. So that frees up Philadelphia for me now and put to Pennsylvania. So I could go on the other side of Pennsylvania and start doing like some gigs, some people have. Right.

Take you guys. Bill you guys is the headline and I'll do 30 minutes. And the way that nobody knows. I'd rather do that. Right. Because I'm going to have boundaries because I have Atlantic City in August. Okay. So after January, I can't do a show around here.

Oh, shit. I got to get the fuck out of here. And now they're holding you. They're really watching boundaries now because the tickets. Right. So they're like, bro, don't. Don't. I don't think about a lot of maybe the listeners understand that.

It's when you do a show somewhere, especially a big show, you're legally not allowed to do a show within a certain mileage. 90 miles, 120 miles all around. So you've got to be really careful of that because it's Atlantic City. in Atlantic City, they're not going to come down for one night. They're going to come down for two nights, get dinner one night, maybe come to see me one night, maybe go see Frankie Valley on night. Who fuck knows, you know?

Draw a little dice, have a little chance. But that's really important. Like right now, if I was a young comic, I'd love to hear what I just said that, right now, well, right now you have to think outside the boxing comedy, and you've got to figure out what, because for you to drop seven, four grand on a special and for it just to become home decor

and you have no plan on how to get it out there. Right? We could just shoot a video here. If I'm going to get 10,000 views on my special, why not just shoot a video here? Do a stand-up special for three people. And fucking, you know, I mean, the truth. Right now they're looking for something a little different.

Right. You know, all these specials are shot in arenas. In theaters. Maybe people want to see something smaller. Yeah. Maybe people want to see something different setup. I saw a clip. I think Jeff Foxworthy is doing another one, but he's splitting it up.

Half the special is going to be him working it out in clubs, and then he's going to do it again with it completed. That's been done already. Really? I'm talking about something that the people could relate to more. Okay. We just discussed that nobody knows the process of stand up. You know, when you become a super fan, like George,

because he's been around me. I've been around him with his business. You start to understand. But nobody understands the process of working out. Chris Rock tried that a couple of years ago. A black special and the black and white and the colored. Don't keep it fucking simple. Keep it fucking simple.

It's a brick wall with a microphone, a sign behind you, and smoke. I would love to do smoke on stage. Okay. Smoke from me. the cigarettes in the room. Or the reef are in the room. Not you sitting there with some Chinese guy

blowing smoke for you get effects like Ozzy Osbourne. Okay. No, no, I'm talking about smoke from the fucking nitty-gritty smokers that are in the room. They're dropping their fucking ambiance. That's what a fucking special is. Everything else taken from that. The lights and the copter flying around the room and people giggling. And, you know, there was a special they shot so bad.

that the guy was dying on stage, and they're showing people laughing. Nobody was laughing. When people laugh, they go like this, they go backwards. People just sat there the whole fucking night and watched this bum special. Oh, my God.

That's sad. So it's really weird right now, but it's very weird in every field. Like, if you're a realtor right now, you're feeling it. If you're selling cars right now, what's interest? Still six?

Nine! You ain't buying no fucking car at 9%. So everybody's like fucking what do we do next? You know, that's the next move. People are going to think about maybe watching stand-up, I don't know. Like I always liked streaming comedy. I always thought it would work.

Yeah. Like a network, six nights a week, you put a comedy there for $30, what, 30 minutes, and they pay $10. And people could sit at home, and they know at 9 o'clock on Monday, on Tuesday to Thursday, three nights a week, you could watch comedians. Two-30 fucking minutes.

So there are, I've seen some people do it. What do you think about doing it in a comedy and a movie theater instead? Because I think the, and I love specials, the problem I have with it is even... What's the movie theater in a theater? No, no, movie theater and home because a movie theater, they could charge 10 bucks, but at least you're around other people. Watching a special at home, even if you have your wife there, you both might giggle a little bit,

but I really think you have to be around a lot of people. If they were doing it in a movie theater, I would go for $10, get a little popcorn, and then you'd all have to go to a comedy club. You don't have to worry about someone picking on it. 10 bucks and some popcorn. Yeah, that's $62. That's true.

So that's the problem with movie theaters. The special one from being free, then I'm paying $10, and I got to pay $8 for their fucking popcorn. Listen, I always have a burrito in my pocket. I sneak food in there all. All the time. But we're trying to, right now it's the cheapest angle. Over the holidays, people pay for Netflix.

They're going to watch all those specials on Netflix. That's just the Willie Ann Ryan, whatever. All those new specials, they're all going to watch them because they pay $15. Well, 23 a month now for Netflix. I know. Everything is beautiful. So you've got to get your money's worth on these fucking networks now.

It's not like I got Paramount, but I get my money's worth out of Paramount, Jack. Netflix, I don't really get my money's worth it, but I have in the past. Yeah, I don't get my money's worth out of any of them. People don't cancel them. That's where the, that's what you should start a streaming service or just some sort of subscription where people subscribe, because that's where like, that's where the money is. Because how often do you watch, you say, you just said it, you don't watch Netflix,

but you still pay them 19 bucks a month for the last 20 years. My wife watches Netflix more for the Limey shows. I watch Netflix for like the Dallas Cowboy thing. every once in a while I watch Netflix. You know, HBO Plus, I have Just for the Sopranos and any HBO movies I like, you know. Hulu, I never really watch. Paramount I watch and Apple I watch.

Apple TV's got some good shows and great movies, too. And I'll tell you what the best one is on all those motherfuckers. Didn't he? Really? The one of my daughter's guy? Disney. Disney Plus? They ain't fucking around on there.

What do you like? I know it's not Star Wars Let me tell you something, no You go on there Like if I go on Amazon Prime It's the worst movies in the fucking movie You just sit there Through these bummy movies

That you've never heard of before And when you do watch them You're like, all right, I know I didn't see this movie before This is weird because it got three movie stars in it Got three fucking big name movie stars And I've never heard dick about this fucking movie You know? That's Amazon

And they wish you kept it that way. Yeah, it's the weirdest fucking thing. Yeah. Amazon, I don't trust it in their movies. Like, I don't even, if I'm on there, don't rent it. Like, I'm done. That's it. That's it.

I'm fucking done, man. Is that, like, a red flag to you if, like, someone called you for an audition, like it's going to be on Amazon Prime? Oh, yeah, I'm not showing up. I'm not going on that. These idiots that put their comedy specials on Amazon years ago, and it's paid for me. And they're like, I got a special on Amazon.

You're paying them every month. Because if you don't sell that special, like if people ain't buying it, at whatever, five bucks ahead or something like that, we have to do something different. We have to, we all do. I mean, there's a lot of occupations that are stalling right now. You know, and ours is not one that's stalling, but entertainment as a whole is, you know, I think that after the pandemic,

too many people went out. We developed this phobia where we needed to spend money and not just our money, but every dollar we had in our fucking pocket. And people paid bigs and big money to go to concerts and shows and vacations and, you know, during COVID cruise ships, don't do it. And fuck, COVID wasn't even done

and people getting on cruise ships like fucking Liberace was going to make an appearance or something like that. So I don't know what happened. But I know that we all knew, during the pandemic, like even after I moved here, that place in Jersey. They were doing concerts every fucking night. Social distancing. The one by my house, PR Center, PNC.

You know, those motherfuckers were doing shows, and they were doing, you know, and every heavy metal band was out. All those old guys were out. Those old guys ain't doing too good no more. What's going on? That's it. Even Motley Crew wasn't selling tickets, and they had to go to a Las Vegas residency.

Now they want to fucking announce a world tour with Extreme and somebody else. Oh, this is going to be the shadow of whatever tour. Some album they put out in 2009. It's done. It's done. I saw this online, so this could be fake. But I think I saw the WWE at Madison Square Garden

and sold like 4,000 tickets. Like out of what, I don't even know how much that is. It's like 20,000 seats or something in Massachusetts Square Garden. 19? They sold 4,000. seats. They black the top out, but, you know. Yeah, it looks good. It looks good on TV.

It looks really good on TV, but it doesn't, it's, uh, I think it's too much entertainment for the dollar right now, especially across that fucking tunnel. Across that channel. There's, every 22 feet, there's something to be entertained.

A fucking Palm Reader, a fucking sports bar, a fucking, you know, there's everything, there's all types of entertainment across the river. Oh, I love it over there. And every, you know, now again, when George and I were growing up,

Tuesday nights, you catch the fucking stones in Schenectady for 20 bucks and didn't even know what the fucking stones. You catch the Ramones in the city for the small $25, $20 at CBGBs. So you had that action during the week. Now, it's 600 a ticket. Yeah, and people, I think people just would rather stay home.

I think a lot of people like you. People will never fathom this when I say this. And George, you asked Loops. Me and Loebbs went to see Prince, Sheila E. and Nucleus at the rich for $15 on a Tuesday night. Right before that movie came out. But what do you, like, the $15 back then was like $60? You know what that's like today? You know what that, $15 for Prince right.

Before Purple Rain, I mean, Purple Rain came out in July, the movie, this came, we went to see him in June. And we didn't know he was touring. There was no fucking, they said it on the radio. And we were lifting weights in his mother's garage. And we looked at each other. I just got to go up to 88th Street. You could take a shower, pick me up in 35 minutes, and we shot over to the fucking city. That $15, $15.

Shealy, Nucleus, and fucking Prince and the New Revolution, whatever the fuck. But how much did it cost you? to get into the city now. Four bucks. It costs like 25 bucks to go in the city. No shit. So that whole thing, parking was $4,

maybe a fucking quarter. Yeah, you parked on the street and the $5.00 nickel bag. You know, you weren't snort and coke for whatever that fucking for Sheila. He was 7.30 at night. And they played

to whatever. And it was New York. So who knew who was going to walk in. Like when I went to see Prince, he announced like three black guys that walked in. I didn't know who the fuck they were. But people were jumping up and down. They must have been famous. That's the thing about New York. You don't know who's going to be in the audience.

That's the excitement. That's it. That's a surprise. If I pay 600, I'm expecting something. Right. If I'm paying 15, I got nothing to lose. It's just $15 fucking. What do I give a fuck? Yeah. Everything is better when you have no expectations.

So what do I got to do to fill those 600? I got take pictures of my friends. Everybody jump up and down. Let's show them how much fun we're having. Us eight idiots just spent $5,000 on these tickets. Let's jump up and down. Wee! And we're drinking fucking water to boot.

We like fucking idiots. Enough is enough. We'll be right back in five minutes, cock suckers. It's break time. Hey, Uncle Joey here. Listen, it's Thanksgiving week, and the action doesn't stop at the dinner table. You're going to feast on some winnings this holiday.

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The edibles are kicking in. I haven't eaten an edible all week. I ran out of them. The whole week? Bro, I have zero edibles at the house. I got some dried-up mushrooms. That I threw away. I found some wax.

I threw that away. I cleaned out my weed drawer finally. It's fucking disgusting. What happened to that whole big Harry Potter case rhythm gave you? That's already gone? Three quarters. That was the biggest case of weed I've ever seen. The fucking bong was great, only they give me a fucking thing that it clogs.

Every time, like, even after you grind the weed, it's still clogs. So I was like, the bong is worthless. I got all the cartridges. I got some heavy-duty. cartridges like vapor pens, like the fucking thick ones that fucking Right. But again, those, I get high

one time on those. Dude, I can't tell it's my favorite thing and I I don't tell people that they're full of shit yet, but someone came up to me and gave me an edible. He's like, I gave this to Joey And I told him to be careful and he took it and he was high for four days and joy. And I was like

I don't think I don't Oh, people I tried to tell you. Isn't it where the people talk about you? Like, oh, I got Joey high. I'm like, I don't think you did. I tried to tell you.

Maybe they gave the edible to George. George tried to give it to me. I threw it away. And George felt bad. It's like, you liked it. And they just run from that. This is why I have a friend of mine. She's a great girl.

I love it of that. She calls me once every two weeks. Joey. Come on my house with snorting, you know, like they do fucking whippets and what's the other shit where you change your voice? Nitrous oxide. Oh, Jesus.

They do the crate. They got chocolate mushrooms. But when she's talking to me, I can get goofy guys with him. Yeah, come over, man. I can't. I can't. I can't.

Because those guys are telling them a story that you've never heard before. He came over. We gave him one hit of weed. He was seeing things. And next thing, you know, you're like, First off, I know Joey, he didn't smoke your weed.

I'm not smoking nobody's weed. I bring my own for a fucking reason, because I assume yours suck. It's not a healthy. So if I'm walking to your house, I bring my own fucking ammunition. So it's, it's, guys, it's embarrassing. It's embarrassing, but I hope you guys all learn a lesson. This poor bastard, every two weeks, I ran into a guy. He says he knows you.

George, you don't know me. Trust me what I'm telling you. Trust me what I'm telling you. How do I know? Because I've seen people do that. Right in front of me. Like right in front of me, like, for example, you're like, what would it be?

Okay, I'm at a bar standing here with Lee, George and Nick. We're two idiots, four idiots. Who's winning New England? I don't know. You know, whatever the fuck we talk about. And all of a sudden, the football player's girlfriend comes in. Taylor's worst? She comes in.

We don't even see her. Ten black guys. She's got a fur on, a van, people getting pushed out of the way. Because that's cool today. People want that to happen, right? They want that to happen. I'll get in the car with all four now. While we were there, we didn't even see her.

She came out. She walked to the bathroom one time, and she waved. at us and that was it. Out of us four, what are we going to tell when we come back up here? We hung out with Taylor Swift. We party with Taylor Swift. You didn't party.

She was at the same place that you were, by coincidence, you fucking idiot. It's the luckiest day in your life since your dog got it by a car. Okay? And now you follow, what I'm saying to you, it's a big difference. It's a big fucking difference.

So that's what I don't like about the game. That happens all. Did I ever tell you what happened with the girl I hooked up with before my ex? Dog, it's a nightmare out there. I hooked up with this girl once. We met online. We hooked up once. That was the only STD ever I got when I got Thrush.

And my tongue turned purple. It was fucked up. I didn't tell you this. When was this? Oh, this was 2021, April. I was losing weight, but not. fully yet. Oh, you were?

I was in Massachusetts, yeah. I was in, and I met this girl online. She started sending me dirty videos. I was like, and just a dating app. Like, no, I had no idea about the podcast, any of it. I went over once. And the next day, my, it was like Willie Wonka. My tongue started to blow up and it turned purple.

And you know how nervous I get. So I got fucking nervous. And meanwhile, you go for an SDD test. It takes two days to come back. She told me that, and the doctor told me it was something called thrush, which is basically you went down, went down on someone with the yeast infection, pretty much. There was nothing out there, but it was just, I told her about it, and she was like, well, my sister is a nurse, and she said, you all, the guys only get thrushed if they have AIDS, because they've had a weekend immune system.

So I had to sit with that for two days. Of course, I didn't have fucking AIDS. I never saw her again. I went to an open mic like a year, two years later. and my buddy in an open mic was like, hey, I saw your ex-girlfriend. Meanwhile, I thought it was my ex from L.A. And he told me who it was.

I was like, I hooked up with her once. And she's going around telling people. She gave me a fucking fucked up tongue. I had to let lozenges dissolve on my tongue. It was like six times a day for like. A purple tongue. It was fucked up. Lee, listen.

I am one of the nastiest motherfuck. fuck as I know. I have stung my mouth in places where a billy goat will go, not today, okay? I'm that type of dude. I like to sniff a pussy and stick my tongue, man. And better yet, I'll flip them around. And even if the asshole has that little whang to it, I'll still eat that pussy because I'm a gentleman, you know?

You are. But, dog, there's times I've left the pussy and I've gone like, oh, yeah, tomorrow something's not going to be good. I'll go home and listerine it and brush it You know fucking put a little rubbing alcohol in there in your mouth and gargle with it Oh I had no idea Like you know you have to You had the little thing that swells up

But that's when working No it was the whole tongue I was living with my mom at the point at that point I've gotten to the point where under this There's a little whitehead that would pop Oh Jesus For me so much fucking rotten ass and pussy right underneath my tongue there You gave yourself a white head? Under there yeah there was a little white

Whenever I would go deep, like on a coked up night. Right. Like, I would go to Florida, do coke with chicks, and just put coke on that pussy and eat it. I've met these women before. That's not good. That's not good. But I was such a fucking savage that didn't matter.

I was going 100%. Right. Before I met my wife, I lived a comedy life that was 100%. Couches, planes, trains, automobiles, women, borrowing. It was fucking insane. It was fucking insane. But that's what I wanted.

Because I knew that's the only way I could do it. That's the only way I could live. That's it. There was no going to go work for a corporation and we got to wear a blue shirt every Friday. There was no bowling leagues. There was none of that. I just wanted to fucking do something completely fucking different.

Right. You know, that's why when I got into it, it was like, listen, there's two things I'm not going to talk about. on stage and this little fucking cocaine faggotry I have going on that I'm going to quit after it's over I'm going to do coke till they find me in a fucking hotel room in Iowa Iowa somewhere at least I know this going in right but I'm going to die doing what I love doing doing doing comedy eating ass and doing drugs that's it we just sat here for an hour before the

break talking about interest do you guys notice I became a comedian not by really choice. It was all I had. It's all I could do. Right. You know, it's all I could do. When I jump in a shower at fucking 8.30 in the morning or 7.30, I'm like, wow, I could sit in here for two hours if I wanted to. I don't. But I could. Not because I'm lazy because I already did the work. I already laid my blueprint. Okay. Do you know what I mean? But, yeah, I don't know. But that's all you like, sex, drugs, and comedy. Well, now I got no drugs, so the sex went down for 80%. You know? Once you took the drugs from me, you took a little piece from me. As sad as that sounds, that's a sad statement, but I'm not going to lie to you guys. Why can't you get all horned up without

the drugs? It's not that. It's not that, Lee. I still get horned up like a normal American. Right. But if you know anything about me, I don't want to get horned up like a normal American. I want to get horned up. up like a Coke fiend. Listen, just take a blue chew and crush it up. Those blue chues are fun. Listen, you do not understand what we're even talking about. I guess not, because a blue chute to me is a fucking party. What I'm talking to you about is a state of mind, a comedy state of mind when you're in a zone.

You know, we discussed going away for three months and just doing. You know, every show. We've discussed going away for a month and taking only Sunday nights off to sleep and do laundry, right? We've discussed that. We've discussed all those things. So now, what are we talking about? About, we're talking about you not liking sex anymore. No, so I didn't say that, Lee.

I'm just saying that when I was doing comedy, you know, it's like when people, and again, I'm not comparing myself to nobody. I'm just giving you an example. People were a little shocked when they watch the Charlie Sheen thing. To me, it's just another day in the zoo. You know what I'm saying? It's just another day in your zone. You know, when you play football, you're fucking 22. You just signed for a $160 million signing bonus.

You know, they're going to give you $12 million a year to start a linebacker. You're starting. You're going to move to Milwaukee. You're going to start all the money. new fucking life, how are you going to live that life? Are you going to fucking bog yourself down with bullshit? You're 23 fucking years old, okay? What are you going to bogg yourself down with?

Slinging dick and playing football. I am 20 fucking three years old. I should not be getting into a hamburger chain or a restaurant chain or. Listen, I'm going to, for one year, if God, gives me one year to be a fucking nomad. And then after a year, if things work out, I'll trim the fat. I'll get rid of the bitches. Whatever.

You guys understand what I'm trying to say to you. For me, comedy was the same thing out in the open. I got upset with you last week for a disgusting thing. But you didn't see where I was coming from. I got upset with you because you didn't do mushrooms with Josh on a Friday night. That's why you get on the road. That's the essence of doing comedy. If not, go get a job.

When you go on a road on a Thursday, Friday, Saturday night, the only boundary you have is not to cheat on your wife or your girlfriend. That's it. That's the only boundary you have. Okay? But you want to do something that you're not doing it home. Why are you going home at 10.30? Or I don't want to be up until 5.

Who gives a fuck? Who gives a fuck? That's what the road was for for me. And at 5.30, that's when you were going to write your best fucking material. I see what you're saying. And you understand me? When I went on the road, the first, from 93 to 2000, I had no boundaries. No boundary.

Listen, whatever happened. Whatever happened. I followed a kid in Kentucky to a farm one night for 45 minutes. he told me he was going to get me coke when I got there he'd get me MET. Did I cry? I just did the Mets. Okay.

You understand what I'm going with this? Right. It was a system. It was a means to an end. I wanted to experience every fucking minute of being a stand-up fucking comic. You know, I didn't want to live. I have two choices.

And again, I'm not talking bad about anyone. I could have done the road like Seinfeld or done the road like Sam Kennison. I rather do it like Sam Kennyson. But I couldn't do it like that forever. So I did it kind of like dice. He eats good.

He stays out late. He gets high. He complains. You follow me? Right. But it's all still 100%. We're still going to go out to eat afterwards. Right?

And a big fucking steakhouse. We're going to fucking jam. I don't give a fuck about, well, I have to get on the plane at 530 and the more. I don't give a fuck about your dilemma. I don't give a fuck about your dilemma. as Lee. You're sleeping two hours tonight. That's it. But then I've got to drive to Boston. Take a nap in the car. You know, go buy a Tesla where the guy drives for you.

Right? Go get yourself a Tesla. Tray one in. Tell Nicky to take you down there. That's part of that life. I always wanted you to experience that life. George is an artist. George does frames. He's a fucking artist. He's an artist, okay? George fucked up somewhere. He didn't get the Pepe La Pugh hat. cigarette holder, because that's all they want in that world, is to be cool. Change his name to Georgie, the Panamanian. He's got three rings, and he looks like fucking Keith Richards with a scarf in July. That, you know, that's all part of it, guys.

Why do I love gay men? Why do I really love the concept of gay men? Because, yes, there's some gay guys that they get their plaid shirt, and they go to Rudy's and look at the menu, oh, my God. I can't. But then there's some faggots that are just like, I didn't become a faggot for this shit. You know what I'm saying?

I became a fagg to go out there and be a murderer. Like, I'm busting assholes for eight years, and I'm getting my asshole busted. For eight years, I'm sucking dick in tents. Right. I'm sucking dick in helicopters. Whatever you got. I'm a foolful.

You follow me? Right. People are forgetting that. People are forgetting that. Right now, I'm the happiest I've ever been with stand-up. I made a statement to you that I looked at your face. I'm a hobbyist stand-up now because it is. Because I'm not worried about Netflix.

I'm not worried about passed at a club. I'm not worried about getting my show picked up. I'm not worried about anything. I worry about two things. Coming up here, fucking around with you motherfuckers on Monday, saying whatever the fuck is on our mind or whatever the fuck's going on in society, and then working out once a week. Writing stupid shit, listen, because I'm a part-time comic, I don't have the full-time comedy capacity in my mind like I used to.

But when I do a couple shows in a row, I get it. Yeah, I wouldn't call you a hobbyist. I understand what you're saying. A hobbyist to me is the guy that I would do open mics with in Worcester who came in in a squirrel costume. Well, this is what I became. and I didn't become it. I became it by choice. Why? Joey, why?

Why? I'm going to tell you what. I'm going to tell you and George, my brother and my nephew, Nick, in public. I couldn't handle it anymore. It was cutting against my grain who I am inside. That's it. Just all this shit, you know, I charge 40 bucks per a ticket.

I go online a week later and it's 280. You know, and nobody's got an explanation for me. This is what people are. And then you bitch, you. at me because Joey, your tickets are $2.80. My tickets are $48. I understand. It's Thanksgiving. But you have tickets.

Kindness charge. Kindness fee. This, that. You just get burnt out. You get burnt out on people telling you you didn't sell enough tickets. What about, when was the last time an agent called me and said, hey, man, be funny? That's hysterical. Never, probably in your whole career.

Okay. I'm your manager. but I'm not calling you to go, I just got a call from the club you're at in January. So wait a second. I'm in the middle of eating my wife's asshole, and you called me to tell me I got to make a video for January. Why are you managing me?

Not once did one of those agents ever say to me, bro, go out there and be funny. And that's what we've forgotten. It's the fucking media. It's the Instagram. Lee, I just want you to be fucking, remember what I'm telling you. Send out those envelopes for a commercial agent. And just right now, fucking be funny.

Do something I didn't do. Explore every fucking topic. Okay. Explore every fucking topic. Whatever, because it's a new world. You can explore PayPal. You can explore Uber Eats. You know, it's a whole different fucking game now.

You're about to get married. That's going to give you a ton of money. material when your wife's not around. No, she doesn't give a shit. No, no, no, no, no. But it's also... But trust me, there's going to be some shit you're going to pick up that you don't want to run. You're going to fucking look both ways. I have one of my funniest jokes is about her parents dying.

So I don't... Oh, Jesus. I don't give a shit at all. She's really cool. But you're about to get married. You're about to go to honeymoon. You know, you're about to do all these things that are new to you. Touch on them because this is... I think we just...

Remember, comedy's about you. Mm-hmm. comedy's about me, you know, like, how is this affecting my shit every fucking day? You know, how am I affecting it? Right. You know, how am I, like, I was thinking from that perspective lately. Like, how did I affect not voting for fucking Jack Chick? You know what I'm saying?

He's down 300,000 votes. It's all because you didn't vote for him. You know, do I feel guilty now by not registering and vote? No, I'm going to stay a fucking felon. Right. I'm going to stay a felon. you follow me that's a new name of the tour

the felon tour Yeah the felon tour Oh But you know what's cool for me Is like I'm finally Like I'm in my I think ninth year I don't even know

But like now like If I have a joke that doesn't work Like I know it's gonna come back And it'll work at some point Like it's it's like There's jokes that I'm doing now That I had the idea of like Six seven years ago

And I just wasn't I didn't know how to make the joke And now like one of my biggest laughs I get I told you that I love that. That you're not good enough to deliver that joke. You're like, you'll say it.

And they're like, fucking nobody laughed. But three people laugh. And they'll go, bro, we love that joke. But you're the only motherfuckers who laugh at it. And then you're going to save it. And one night, now you're going to connect them. Or tie it in or now you see it from a different perspective. You're going to blur it out.

And that joke's going to fucking kill. That's the rest of your fucking career. And it's also like, I'm really not scared to say anything. but I had a situation this weekend where I had a show at a weed store and a homeless guy just like the window was open for some reason

and it was like 30 degrees out the window was open this homeless guy just started talking to me and I like normal like I had other shows where like I would like I was thinking about it like I could have told him to go away or like someone could have sked I started talking about. When you told me on the phone I was so happy

because you're finally starting to get it there's comedians that are dying so bad on stage, they wish a homeless guy would open the window. Oh, I want to bring it with me. That was the funniest 10 minutes I've ever had. The thing that you forgot about the audience and turned it into him, that's a gift. I'm happy you did it that way because you could have pandered the audience.

What's this homeless guy doing here? I should have just stayed in California. You went and looked it up to him. So what do you think? How long have you been homeless for? and the people. What was the last time he got a piece of ass? About three months ago, I raped a chick down by the waterfront.

Oh. You know, and they'll say shit like that. That's what comedy is, guys. Dude, he came up to me. He asked me, I was talking about jerking off, and I asked him the last time he jerked. I said, when the last time you jerked off out there? He says, oh, I jerk off all the time to scare people away.

Just stay sane. He was that. And then I don't think he was too happy with me. He's like, where are you from? And I told him Massachusetts, and he had never heard of it. And he's like, Manhattan? I said, no, Massachusetts.

He's like, oh, the suburbs. He's like, you've never been on the dark side, have you? You've never seen the darkness. I was like, the joke I had is I dated a black girl in college, and that got a big laugh. But he's like, I don't want to, he's like, you don't know what the dark side is. How you get rid of them is give him a 20

and tell him go buy a sandwich. Now the audience applause, you're a hero. You gave the homeless guy. Now you've got to hunt them down afterward to get it back. That's the fucking problem you got. but I was able to go dark. Like, and this is not a joke I normally, but it's like, it's a thought I've had,

but as soon as he left, I was like, you know what? Good for him for not killing himself. And like, it's, and like, it's a, that would never work at a, at a real show, me saying like, why don't homeless people kill it? Like, but it's like, in the moment, like, that's what I, what I, I wasn't good at

before it was about being in the moment. And it was, I had so much fun. And, like, I listened back to it. And I was kind of mad at myself. Like, I should have, gone in different directions in the moment, but it was, it was like one of the most fun

I've had on stage at a weed store and a homeless guy, I'm hoping the video's gonna come out. We'll see, because they were filming it, but it was fucking crazy. You know, it's really weird out. You don't know how bad of a comic you are until you actually pay money

to go see a comic, and the waitress drops her tray. And this guy could attack it from a thousand ways. There's some comics that won't, address it. There's some comics that are dying on stage that they're waiting for that to happen. Mm-hmm. Because now they could torture somebody for eight minutes and get a new start from there. And then there's guys that'll take that and really take it to another level. Like, never mind because they were dying. They don't even need that. They don't even need that. But it made such a commotion in the room.

Two people got up and did this. And the lady over here wiped the face. I got to address it. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? When somebody has a fucking heart attack during your show, you've got to fucking address it. But that's what I was saying earlier, like, about like going to see comedy live. Like, the show, regular shows are great. And I know you've told the story about, like, that woman who, like, gave you the blowjob in between shows. But have you had, like, a situation like that?

Like, a crazy thing happened while you were on stage that you just had to address anything coming to mind? I would address the guy getting a hand job at my show. but there's only four other people in the audience. I got a hand job at your show? Yeah, an open mic in the city. I won the fucking morning. Leap, 1.30. Close to the Bowery down there.

I just forgot where the fuck it was. The old triple in. Holy shit. And you just let it have... You could see it from stage, but you just let it happen? How bad do you feel? If you're sacrificing your life

for this thing called stand-up, you're number 82 on a list of fucking... 85. 85. Now you go up on stage, there's four people left. You're obviously eating a bag of dick. But to really shit on your day, you look over, and there's a black hooker giving an old man a hand job with glasses on.

It was an old man? Yeah, he was, like, older than me, like 80 with glasses. He had, like, three hairs. And he was just sitting there, like, petrified. And she's giving him a hand job, covering it, but you can see her hand moving, and she's looking at me, like, yeah. Just three more minutes of this shit. And he came and she just got up and left.

So I didn't know if she came in with him or if she just came in and sat next to the lonely guys and said... Yeah. Holy shit. So how bad would you feel about your career? At that point, I didn't have the chops to even go, hey, you're getting a hand job here. I didn't even have the chops to say that.

Right. I would have finally melted or fucking ate a bag of even more dicks. So, yeah, there's times. but after a while, there's some shit you address to get attention. Like you're dying? Is that an Italian shirt you have on? You know, whatever. Right.

But there's some shit that organically happens. That organically happened. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You're not forcing it. That organically happened. So you have to address it. Or don't.

I don't give a fuck. I'm just saying that I would, especially, that's brilliant. That's brilliant. Because at one point, I would have tried to address it. drag him into the window. You know, that's fucking brilliant. At one time, you light up a joint, give it to him. Oh, we should have. We had a joint.

God damn it. We should have given it to him. And that's your whole act. Yeah. And you're not worried about the audience laughing. You're worried about the fucking thing. You know, I watched an interview one time. You don't know what I'm talking about. George knows, maybe Nick Lowe. After they shoot Sunny on the causeway. I saw the...

Like an actor's studio with Robert Duvall. Robert Duval was talking about his, like the guy goes, when you enjoy rehearsing, you know that guy with the glasses, Lipton? Oh, I love that, yeah. Do you enjoy rehearsing? And he goes, something about, yeah, I enjoy it for theater and stuff. For some movies we did, some of the didn't. He goes, but particularly the Godfather,

he goes, I liked rehearsing until I rehearse him Marlon Brando. Because you can rehearse you 80 times. And when that camera shut on, That motherfucker did something completely different to keep you guessing. He goes, you were fucking, you know. And he goes, well, give us an example. He goes, when he comes down in that scene, I'm drinking. At one point, he just decided to take the cup from me.

He goes, I didn't know what to do. Thank God, I stayed in character. And he goes, it was brilliant. What came out of his mouth? That shit wasn't even close to what we were supposed to say. Then he came back to it. And he goes, call the cemetery, the guy, tell him he, He owes the favor.

That's brilliant shit. You're keeping even the people around you. They don't know. Right. That's why I love when people go, hey, do you know what you're going to be talking about tonight? Or how much time you're doing? Yeah. Listen, let's go.

We're having a great time here. If we're having a great time, I'll do close to an hour 20. If I'm really in the moment, because I feel after an hour 20, that's it. Yeah, that's a good amount. What should be coming out of my mouth after that should be even more heat. And it's not. So now your batting average goes from 500 to 32. People at 500 and get off.

Let them want more. Sometimes I know I'm on fire. And I know I got 30 minutes, but I got them at such a peak. I cut them off at the aisle. Yep. They just got cut off. When Soprano came in and the guy walked in and the camera shut off, that's it. They don't know.

They just gave me a better response. And I thought they would give them my closer. So I shut it down. See, that's, I still fuck up sometimes. But that's a great thing, yeah. It's nine years compared to 30. Right. Oh, I know.

You follow me? Yeah. Don't ever, don't ever. And don't ever judge, like I could go, at the 10-year mark, I had nothing on you. At the 10-year mark, I had a pilot that I was almost thrown off the set for. How bad of acting I was. I had a movie that I almost got fired from, for stealing all the roller skates. And I, but the only thing I shot was mad.

TV. Okay. That helped me because it was in the comedy realm. Realm now. And at the time, Mad TV was still hot. The Sopranos was hot. And I did the Sopranos sketch. So it was perfect. All the fucking trees were aligned. But beside that, you're a cuntare away from getting it, from getting into a club that will give you four spots in a week. Oh. Okay? At the same place. I love that. Whether it's Gotham, whether it's a state, whether it's New York Comedy Club, you're at a cuntary away from getting three or four spots a week

and other spots that you'll hustle, and then you'll see the growth. But I tell you what, again, this is a comedy podcast, but it's all solved by life. It all gets better in time. Don't put an expiration date on your fucking dream. Oh, never.

It's time. Dog, if... That's why I didn't like you calling yourself a hobbyist. That's not an expiration date. That's a fucking a hypothesis. You know when I worked, you saw the different...

There's a different... Yeah, I know what you're saying. Okay, so that was seven to four spots a week. Mm-hmm. Every week, we met. Yeah. You saw that. This is no lie.

This is no. And you're a professional. You're touring. You're touring. Right now, I'm just... I'm just... Rocky in the beginning... Haminegger.

I'm a Hamanager. I'm in Havanaegger that still gets lucky and sell some tickets at the right places at the right time. And I still go out there and give it 100% of what I could do the best I can't. Am I, Joe D. is from 2019? No, but sometimes I get there. Yeah? Sometimes on a good night I get there, and lately I've been getting there. I'm honest with the audience, you know?

And that's the best thing you can do. But this, George is an artist. My art and his art is the same. It's only two different. It covers two different things. But art will always be art. You know, when you go to jihitsu, you learn an arm bar from one guy, you're an arm bar from another guy's completely different.

But guess what? It's an arm bar. Motherfuck is tapping for his elbow. That's an art. Two different ways that's live. Right. It continues to change and evolve and grow. That's art.

George will tell you, what he does now, we had a discussion of his job this weekend. Framing and fucking plunges and inches and whatever. you know, ask him if he could have done that 25 years ago. Because he's been doing that. If I'm doing comedy 35, he's doing that 40 fucking years.

Wow. Yeah, and that's the dream. And it's, does ever, do you ever get pissed off? Because you, what, that, like, you're this good now, but you're in your 60s?

Let's, let's speak. Let's speak some fucking truth here. Okay. The truth of the matter is, It took me 14 years to get a feature movie, but guess what? Nobody knew who I was. I was the fat funny guy. And it took 21 years for anybody to know my name.

How many people could do something for 21 years and be enthusiastic when nobody knows your name? Be right. You met me about that time. I was three years sober on Coke, and I was on the uptake. I had a vision and I knew that if I could get something out there completely different than what everybody else was doing. Everybody's always trying to be funny. Guess what I'm going to do.

I'm going to tell them about my life. That's not that fucking funny. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, we got some funny shit. Right. But it ain't that funny. So when everybody else is dying to make you laugh, I was trying to make you cry. I was trying to show you, you know what I'm saying?

So I figured that out. You know, I like boxing. and HBO the thing, they always have that one-on-one with the boxer. You could hate this guy. And all of a sudden, he's got nine kids, and he works at UPS,

and his wife died, and he has to raise the kids by himself, and he trains, and he's become this athlete with all these abstractions in his life. Whether you like this dude or not, you like him, you have some form of respect for him. Right.

And that's all I wanted to do, let people know, yeah, I'm a felon. I made some mistakes, but let me tell you what to let up. to that. And then we'll take it from there. And our stand-up came into the room. So, it was 21 years, Lee.

It was 2011, 2012. That's 22 years. And this is movies, TV shows, Mad TV, Ralphie, Joe Rogan. It just wasn't clicking. What do you mean by not clicking, Joey?

Something wasn't clicking, and to answer your question, I wasn't selling tickets. Right. Which is the only thing they care about. That they care about. I did not know that. And my stupid naive head, I thought the funniest guy in the room got the nod.

Right. But it doesn't work like that no more. If you want to put the work in, like Andrew Dice Clay, put the work in the East Coast. Once he conquered the East Coast, he took his party out to the West Coast, and he already had momentum. But he developed it, Long Island, Pips, Rascals, Atlantic City. New York City clubs. Maybe. I think he just stayed in Brooklyn.

Right. So as long, at one point, right now, you're just going through rounds, but at one point, you're going to actually see the playing field and how you're going to play it. You know, I only got one good running back. I got no blocking, and I got three guys that can catch a fucking meteor. You know, you've got to work with what you got. Right.

Right now, keep doing what you're doing. You're going to be funny. Right now you're not trying to sell tickets. No. even if they put you on one last episode of last comic standing and you got to go out there and then half the room it's not worth it. I'd rather you

blood, sweat and tears. So no matter what, at the end of this war, you know that you did the best you can. That's all. We did the best we could with what we could. This comics that are fucking huge. You think I sit at home at night crying? And going, that could have been me if it wasn't for the pandemic.

couldn't be me if it wasn't. No, I didn't want to be that. I was happy of what I had. I knew where I came from. It would have been a better story if I was selling arenas and Rocky came out with the American flag and all that. That would have been great.

But you know what? I'd rather have what I got. I'm happy. And look, I'm in love with comedy again. That's awesome. With the root of comedy, not... Everything else? The root of comedy.

Looking at certain words. trying different things, talking about myself, about things I never even dreamt to talking about. They're not nasty. I would say the nasty shit. Now I've got to say the good shit and try to make it funny. It's all different adjustments, man. And listen, you're doing your spots.

Just keep doing what you're doing. Thank you, dude. Where do you go for Thanksgiving? I'm staying local. We're going to be on Long Island. My mom's coming up. We'll see what happens. I got tomorrow, tonight I'll be at Shibas.

tomorrow night, Wednesday night with you at Parks, and then we'll see what happens. That's it. That's all we got, man. And listen, we've been doing this podcast for a long time. Fucking happy Thanksgiving to you and your family. Remember, this Wednesday, Philadelphia, Parish Casino, still tickets available.

And then December 5th, we're at the Pantheon at Caesars, Virginia. And Danville, listen, that's a great place. It's a beautiful fucking place. It's going to be a great show. I got some good comics coming. down. If you got the time and you got it in your budget, come on. If not, I'm coming back and I'll see you the next time.

And that's it. I had a great time today. Love it. And go to the right website. Make sure you go to the actual of the casinos website. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't be fucking around. Punching, fucking the MGM. Sears. Cesar's. What is it called? Seasons at the Pantheon at the Caesars, Virginia. It's a beautiful theater. Fucking come on out and have a great time.

if you have any suggestions of where to eat, please put them on my Twitter on my Facebook page or Instagram me. And that's it, brother. I love it. Good to see you, dude. Happy Thanksgiving. Happy Thanksgiving to all you motherfuckers

from a Catholic and a Jew. Who's better than you? Nobody. Have a great week. Stay black.