The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - The chick with no chin

Episode Date: April 2, 2024

Joey Diaz tells Lee Syatt being so broke he had to chip in for toast, the saga of Charlie Chan, Ralphie May's BBQ's, why he loves doing stand up at The Comedy Mothership and much more! Try Blue Chew for free at https://www.bluechew.com with promo code JOEY  Support the show and get $5 off your Mando Starter Pack with code JOEY at https://www.shopmando.com The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz  

I don't want to send on someone's lap for that long. Listen, nobody does, but everyone wants to the last. You got to do what you're going to do. You know, sometimes you're going to sit on his lap and rub the back of his head. Hey, it's Tuesday, the 2nd of April, and the rent is due. But before all that, I want to talk to you, people. The check-in is brought to you by Blue Chew. Listen, if you can't get it up like you used to, no worries.

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I got to shut the phone off because all the cock suckers that didn't call me back today or decide to call me back now. You know, so... Right as it starts. Yeah, you know, you don't hear from them for two weeks. and today's the day that I decide to, I swear to God. You know this is the way it always is.

It used to be that if I had to catch a flight, as soon as I got in the car, I got an audition. I mean, as I was putting my luggage in the car, I could feel my phone jiggling. I get in there, I talk to the Uber drive, what country you're from, did you escape? You know, did you come in through Mexico, whatever the fuck it was.

You got the audition as you're getting in the Uber to the flight. You get the audition as you get into the Uber, not this week. This week I sat here. like a fucking bump on a log all day Monday. And as my buddy calls me, he goes, I'm 10 minutes away. The phone starts ringing. I mean, it was like six calls in a row.

Hey, thinking about it. You couldn't think about me last Friday at 2. You're thinking about me now at fucking, you know, six o'clock at night, you thought about me on a fucking Monday. Ain't nice special. I feel like you'd almost rather they not call, and call, like, right?

I'm on admission from Satan, and now you want to fucking call. You know, I'm trying to get to the airport. I'm going to make sure my sleep bathroom masks. I got my reefer. I got rolling papers. I got lighters. I got itch cream.

Yeah, there's a lot to consider it. And once you get in the car, you're like, fuck, I forgot my fucking charger. Oh, how would this would you be if you forgot weed? Did you ever forget? Like, I feel like you never forgot weed. One time I did a leave in Boston. What does that mean? This had to be 2006.

I'm in Boston with Joe. Eddie, Ari, Duncan, and I had this weed that I unleashed on them in L.A. And they were calling it Dum Dumweed. It was straight gangster shit. You just had the sudden urge to order 18 pizzas and take a nap. This shit was strong. And it was green and it was fucking beautiful. Me being to jerk off and show off at that time, we get to Boston and we're waiting for the rental car.

I can't wait. I got a roll a joint. I roll a joint. I get in the fucking car. I get to the hotel room. I left the weed sitting out on the ledge. At the rental car place? Right at Avis.

So if anybody came, they found a bag of fucking goodies. Now I had to smoke shit from fucking some dishwasher in the back that smelt like soaps and fucking God knows what else. I'm surprised you didn't go back to Avis. You know, listen, you got to be an idiot. What are you going to do? Somebody's going to turn it in.

and I get a reward listen, any fucking I'm not going to say nothing because you'll say anybody who picked that anyway, it was gone, all right? If that thing wasn't gone 10 minutes later, then we got no real fucking thing going on in this world.

Right, they would find that. Yeah. I got a bunch of good weed. Jake came to one of my shows and brought some weed from Washington. It was really good. It was, like it was, I think they grew it outside. It was some of the best smelling weed

to have had in a while. It was great. It's that Chinese weed. I'm telling you, you're going to lose an eyeball. Don't fuck with that shit. It's out there, but you've got to ask the guy at the counter. Is this Chinese weed? Watch him fucking lose his mind. I would love to ask him that. It's a Chinese-wronged?

You're having a good time. Spoken. And all of a sudden, next thing you know, you're fucking, you got the Havana syndrome. You know what I'm saying? People are shooting you in the ears. Your whole body shake. So before we go any further, how is your little comedy trip to Nashville and Vegas?

Dude, this was like probably top three of like my like back to back. It was like 11 days of just straight comedy. I did 16 shows, no, no, 17 shows from Wednesday to the following Sunday. So it was like 10 or 11 days. I did 17 shows. I did open mics. And what I was like most proud of is a, I dealt with a heckler and I dealt with it. Okay.

There was room for improvement. But I was able to adjust and like, not remake my set, but I basically cut out and redid half of my set because of like figuring out what they might want in that kind of a room. And I had some like really. awesome sets towards the end of the week. It was awesome. Did your asshole beg your undies to fucking get me out of this predicament? Your assholes probably, I don't need a COVID mask that smells like that.

No, my asshole, dude, I ate some. The guy was opening. Oh, no, I didn't get to eat. They didn't have, which is probably good. I'd probably be shitting blood right now, as you say. But I didn't have like the employee lunch. they didn't have that They didn't give you a card for any meals

for free no no Vegas is getting cold blooded dog Oh but it It was fun it was cool Nick Gera was the guy I was Headlining for what is a Great great kid Having great success in L.A.

Good looking you know I don't know what the fuck these agents are waiting for Nick Garrick could have been a fucking Go Go dancer in Telemundo or get on an NBC, but you know, the guys out there, but he'll find his niche, like most of those guys. They work hard. Yeah.

There's no fucking push over. He works really hard, man. I knew Nick since Texas. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And he came up in Dallas. So it was just cool to get to talk to him all week and hear his point of view as like a

headliner. And like, we just talk comedy. And he liked to go eat. So he took me to a bunch of his favorite spots in around Vegas. you know what non-comics will never understand is that I could talk to you for 10 hours about comedy we could just and we've done it four hours after the podcast

and smoking dope snorting ketamine you know it's it's really insane now when you get two three comics together listen for me everybody always spoke about the hang in the green room and shit I always like the pink dot sandwich. Right.

We spoke about it this weekend when I went down to Austin. Eleanor was there. Steve Simone was there and Joe was there. We were talking about the old school store. When about 1.15, our job was to walk the pink dot before it closed at two. Got it. And we each got a turkey sandwich or a meatball hero. And that chit-chat, I'll never, never, ever forget.

And I bet that's the way you feel right now. Like those little chit-chats till two in the morning about this comedy club owner, this guy, how'd you sent this guy a tape. This is the real learning experience. This is when you really bump up in when you're around. You'll see the difference of open micers feeling bad

and, you know, being angry at people for being a little better than them for getting a gig as a co-MC. And then fucking, You know, you go to another place where it's a different attitude now. It's really, it's the things that most people will understand. You know, if I talk to Led Zeppelin, they would go, listen, the parties were great, the orgies were great. But the true hang was after we got off stage when we told people for 30 minutes, we didn't want to be bothered.

Right, where they're just going over there. I would imagine it's the same for all of them. And it was cool at the LA comedy club because there was a six o'clock show, 8 o'clock show, and 10 o'clock show. So I met all the cool comics on the 6 o'clock. One of the guys who is on the 6 o'clock show was doing open mics with me at the 4th Wall. And he has a 7-day week gig at the Stratt opening the 6 o'clock show. Brett Ernst and Butch Bradley were doing the 10 o'clock shows at like the late ones.

And I got to like, it was the hang. It was like getting to like hear from. their point of view, how they viewed comedy. And then I got, like, I watched not every minute of it, but I watched all three, all of those guys do their shows and how they approach things. And like, like, Brett is, I noticed like he sat down a lot of his sets. I would watch that and how he would like, when he would stand up, like, what if he was trying to like get some emotion out of people or something. Brett's a pro. Brett's great. Yeah, bro is so funny. You know, it's these guys now finding that groove. And I'm

sitting back here loving it because I remember where these guys were up at 1 15 the morning and we were talking the back and they didn't know what Mitz he was going to see him again and it was it's such a fucking in the moment struggle you're in the moment and you go minute to minute you don't know how you're gonna feel you know that's why I never really like talking shit around comedians like you know I got a spot at the improv of 1040 you just making other guys feel bad. Right. You know, this is supposed to be a community.

And I don't know. There's something like improving. Listen, this goes back to the old adage late. And I'm really proud of you for this. I'm really proud of, really proud of Eric. It takes a lot of pride to not get a job as a doorman, security guard. You know, when I got into comedy, I knew it was like anything else.

I got a job. I took the comedy class like in December and from January to May I shut my mouth and I carried buckets of ice and I fucking put on stupid music and had to move the lights around

and I had to load the beer case but the whole time I had an ear open you know and the most important thing was since I'd did the music for the comics. It was a C-room. Okay. Right. You know, since I did the music for them and the lights and the explosives, I got to talk to them. I got to talk to them. And then when I got the broker,

I finally got on stage in July and I got the broker like in December. And when I got the broker, if the comic was really cool, there was a gap in their schedule. So Tuesday night, you did the broker. Then Wednesday, you were. off. That sucks when you're on the road. Because you have to pay for a hotel? You pay for the hotel. So if the headline, it was cool, I'd invite him over, sleep over. And then the morning, we'd talk comedy or at night, we'd talk comedy. And they would give me a list of bookers, even though I wasn't ready. And I knew it.

They would give me a bunch of shit to prepare me. And I looked at names that are, that were there now, that are probably still there today, you know, then, then today. So it's such a fucking journey. And it's cool. Like the way I was thinking about it with Nick was like it's almost like you're on like a, let's say you're on like the Oregon trailer. I mean, you meet someone who was already somewhere like way down the road and like,

look out there's snakes here. And like getting to talk to Brett and Ernst and Brett and Nick and all and all those people, they would talk about like here's what you look for when you're trying to sign with a manager. This is what the manager is supposed to do from his point of view. Here's what you're supposed to do. when you're reaching out and like they were just giving me like at least what worked for them. And it's not, it might not work for me, but like just their point of view of things. Listen, what works for you ain't going to work for them and what works for them isn't going to work for you.

But there's a there's something in between. Mm-hmm. And that's what you seem to attack. And, and something in between that your mind and his mind could put something together a little bit better than your idea. Because he's been at it. And, you know, again, our egos are like, no, that, I have a great idea. You know, listen, what's the difference between a five-year comic and a 15-year comic? If I go to a five-year comic and go, listen, I want to buy the story of your life,

but I'm not going to use you as a lead. Okay? He'll throw a fit where a 15-year comic will go. I don't care who the fuck he uses a lead. Just throw me a check, use me every week, keep me off the road for 10 episodes, and I'm in. You know, it's really weird what we'll do five years in, 10 years in, 15 years in, and 20 years in.

It sounds like the ego thing? Always. Once you let ego get in the way of comedy, you're done. You lost that week. Once you try to, you're featuring and you're like, People told me I'm better in the headliner. Meanwhile, he's up there getting standing ovation. Right.

And you're in the back because eight people told you. You're better than a fucking headliner. So you're sitting back there like, yeah, let me say how I can fucking corner this guy. You go up there one night and you plan everything, lighten your toes on fire, giving your aid material. You're going to steal jokes. The whole fucking thing. And you go up there and you think you buried them. And this guy comes out with another set and a different wig and a different fucking pair of sandals or whatever.

the fuck he's doing. And it's always very interesting. I fucking hate when shit got. And listen, I'm smart enough to know even then. Like, I knew a comic that came to me one day, and he's like, fuck Ralphie Mae, blah, blah. And I'm looking at him like, what? And he's like, yeah, when I work with him,

people tell me I'm funnier than he is, blah, blah, blah. I don't know where that motherfucker is today. And like when I'm not I'm not like above admitting there are times I've done shows I'm like oh I'm better than this guy. But then like especially with headliners who are like really seasoned, I'm like, oh, this is his sixth hour that he's written. The jokes that I'm doing are the like all my jokes that have written for my entire career. Listen, the first special is always easy.

It's like the first album. It's dynamite. You've had your whole career to work on it. Right. Second one is a motherfucker. I went like, oh and four. I got four bad fucking specials and CDs. But listen, that's the fucking how you learn.

You don't learn by doing everything great. You can't be great at everything. And when you're strengths and your weaknesses, you stay away from your weaknesses, but you're working on them. But you're not going to do a guy come and tape you on your weaknesses. No. And it's, like, have you improved your weaknesses?

Do you think? Do you think you like, it seems like that's something you would do is like trying to purposely go after them? First of, how do you improve your weaknesses if you're not honest with yourself? If you don't go home and go, that sets up, Nick. If you're going to take, if I bump into you six days, six nights in a row on a pizza parlor at two in the morning,

and you tell me how you're killed, we have a problem. I've had good weeks, but there's sets that. I went to Austin last week. I did six sets. I was probably three and three. Were the other three that bad? Two of them were. But listen, I was just trying new shit.

I didn't give a fuck. I had a purpose to go up there. I had a purpose, you know, to go up there. I wanted them to go one way so I could take them the other and see what else was there, you know? I planned that going up there. I got no way. I don't give a fuck.

at any level I never gave a fuck I always had a mission to go up there do a good job try some new material as a feature act and hang out by the door and get a gram of Coke I always had my priorities who are in the right fucking place there was never and when I got coked up if I was by myself

what do you think I'd be watching porn or I don't watch porn I would work on my comedy all cooked up I'd wake up the next one the material was worse than what I had written but this is what it is. It's a journey. It's not where you start. It's where the fuck you finish and how you finish. Do you think on that, like, were your resets better towards the end of the week

than they were at the beginning or was it like a mismatch? It was kind of hit and miss. And I'll tell you why. Because this is why I checked on you Thursday night. Because by Thursday night, after you've worked two weeks and you've gotten there on Monday, you want to stab yourself. in the eye with a pencil. You can't write. You can't write fast enough. You're sick of saying this material.

You just said it in Nashville. Right. And now you're doing another eight days of it, which Vegas is, you know, 14 shows. If it's old Vegas, two shows a night, Sunday through, it's a great way to improve. Yeah. What a great way to improve. But I don't give a fuck how much you love comedy. By Friday morning, when you get on the elevator, and you're like, what, what the fuck? You got to walk a mile, they got a cup of coffee,

and then ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. And who's not in there still drunk for the night before? Yeah. I went to your show last night. You're like, oh, okay. What I mean. People say that to you? Dog, they say, you know, they're fucking inebriated at 8 in the morning.

You're walking around trying to find a pool or another gram of blow or a victim, you know, and they'll just. coming, man, I was at your show last night. You were funny in the eye. You're like, stop it, go lose. What are you about? I'm not your lucky fucking token. I was late to, I was

almost late to my flight today because for some reason, talk about being short. For some reason, women love whenever they see me, they stand right, like they have to measure themselves again. So this woman was hammered at three in the morning still up and like wouldn't let me leave.

Where? In Vegas this morning. At the club or at the casino? Casino, yeah, yeah, at the casino. Oh, yeah, you're lucky you didn't get kidnapped at 3 in the morning, my friend. I woke up one night to catch one of those Southwest flights. Yeah. It was one of those Rogan weekends.

I don't know where they put us up. It was somewhere we had been put up for years, and it was fantastic. And there's one night I went down there at 5 in the morning. I'm like, ooh, Lordy, you had some fucking kidnappers. You had everything down there. Hookers. Hookers. pimps, transgender fucking

yeah, they were there this weekend. They were out and I'm like, man, this lobby is usually pretty fucking cool. But it was, yeah, it was that, that was interesting to be in Vegas for that long because I saw like this one dude basically stole a joint from me. He was like, he was like a homeless dude just screaming.

And he's like, hey man, I was at county today. And he showed me he had marker on his hand. I don't know if they, like, right on you when you're at county. And I just gave, I just had to join my hand. And I just gave it. And like, I was, that was the only time I was scared. But there was a bunch of weird shit that happened. You know, after COVID, it seems like everything went down a level.

Uh-huh. Like if you stayed in a hotel where there was no commotions in Vegas off the strip, now you're going to hear, fuck you, give me back my money. I'll stab you. You know, whatever. I mean, now it's just. it's crazy how much everything has changed in four years and what you have to see now like some a friend of mine went to seattle one of my neighbors and he came back he was that was terrible they tell you not to fucking go downtown jesus you can't because they've all the all the people down there now you can't they say not to go at all you go to fishermen's market you know fishermen's whatever it is warf yeah no no warf is in san francisco cubs oh sorry i'm almost made that mistake myself go ahead i'm sorry just you know i wouldn't go to portland now if i'm a comic down there

there's a different way of thinking or seattle i'm not a lot in seattle but there's a lot of fucking places that you're like if i go there do i need fucking ten people of security i don't want to i don't ever want to get security no no that's embarrassing for a guy like me to walk in there with three gorillas and make believe on something I'm not. Stop. What about just getting like some jiu-tizu guys or like normal size? When you would bring people like that, people look at you a certain way and then I don't know, there's always somebody who's going to challenge you.

There's always a motherfucker that when they got three beers in them, they're going to go, I'm going to go talk to fucking Lee. I want to talk to him and then you bounce, then your security. Listen, Lee's not talking to people right now. in the back of one of his freaks. We don't care, man. We paid $300 for his ticket, and we want to fucking go right now.

And next thing, you know, you have an escalation. Have I seen it? Apps are fucking looting. Apps are fucking looting. I've seen it. In Las Vegas, I've seen it in LA, and it's not good.

And whether you have security or not, man. I'd rather not have security and walking there like a human being. right it puts people off to seeing you being normal what do you mean to put them on then look at you and go this guy I thought he'd walk in here with three guerrillas and a and a guy throwing new chucks in the air he walked in here with his fucking daughter and his wife right that gives you a different feel do you think like because I I had something happened today at the airport that I kind of got up

upset up. I was, I got there, dude. It was 3.30 in the morning. And there was a 20 minute wait just to, like, check into the kiosks. And then, like, TSA had a super long line. And I yelled at someone today. You know, I don't yell at anybody. And I didn't really yell. But this dude was cutting the line at TSA. Like, like, we were all going around the lines like you're supposed to. And he was too good for that and took the, uh, whatever it's called up, like the line and just kind of cut in front. office, hey, man, there's a line here. Hey, listen, I want to welcome this product to the show because I tell you what, it works, and they set it to the right person. What I want to talk to you about is Mando. Let's talk here for a second. When you take a shower, you want to smell good for as long as possible, right? But sometimes it don't work that way.

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So you yelled at some dude? So yeah, I just, I was like, hey, man, there's a line. And he didn't like it. He's like, what's the big deal? Like, he, like, we were going back and forth. And, like, some of his family was there. And they were like, oh, no, he's my husband. And it's just, it was.

And I normally don't say anything. Like, I take shit from people. I've had someone steal a spot for me. You take the regular line today? I have to. There's no pre-check. What about clear? that they didn't have shit

that that they I don't know if it was because it was southwest no they didn't have shit and I was on southwest there's no first class right now you go through first class when they stop you you're not first class what you're stopping a Jewish man you went to 10 you know people did it for 30 years it's time for the Jews to do it everybody else you know do you ever like do you but do you worry about getting into fights in public places or like no my mind is on just you know you talk

Listen, there's some people who are going to say shit. You're going to be the best person you can be. You're going to stop. You're going to shake their hand. And I'm going to be honest with you. In 20-something, 30 years of flying, let's go 25 as a comic flying. I got into one beef in Vegas. Oh, wow.

Vegas is a little weird. People lose money. they're at the fucking airport. They've got to go home and tell their wife now that the conference, they bumped into a fucking stranger and he took his wallet. I know what a person's got to tell their wife. It was a Sunday morning.

It was fucking bright and early. I'm high. I'm not even thinking about trouble. And I put, it was like four people on the line. There was no reason to act like a jerk off. Right. And I put my stuff and you know, I have the sleep apnea machine. I was taking it out.

You know, I'm always quick. I do this every fucking week, twice a week. So I'm quick. As the line was moving, some guy came, push my stuff back and put his stuff in. And looks straight ahead like at the guard. And I go, excuse me. And the guard was like, what was that about? He goes, I got no time for wait for these sleep apnea people.

And he goes, the guy goes, no, he was right there. You just cut him up. And I didn't say nothing. and he goes, if you expect me to apologize, I don't. And I go, go, fuck yourself. That was the end of it. And he just froze. It was five in the morning.

Nobody is ever going to tell you to go, fuck yourself that early. And when you hear it, it kind of fucks up. You're at the airport. And that was it. And I was, I shut up for fucking the first five minutes. And finally, as I went through, he was dying to say something. Wow. And I was like, you know what, fuck you.

the fuck is wrong with you 5.15 in the morning and you already want to be a fucking hard on like really and you sit there and you I don't know one time I went to Boston. Okay.

I just had knee surgery. It had to be 2013 2012 and we got to go do radio and we get to this radio station and the security guys like the power's off the power went on

overnight. Remember that? With the escalator? Vaguely, I remember because that was right when I met you. I was a gentleman. I go, listen, guys, not for nothing. I just had surgery two weeks ago. I can't go up in no fucking stairs. And the guy's like, well, you have a choice.

And I was like, pardon my friends, brother? I'll fucking leave right now. I'm not going up that. And he's like, well, we're not driving you back. Watch this. I went right to the reception. I go, get me. a cab and he kept yelling at me

you're not leaving you're not watch me I got in the cab and went home as soon as I got to the hotel my agent called what happened I told him you and I both know I had surgery I get here and the fucking escalated I mean this guy wanted a fist fight me and I'm here to pick up an envelope

I'm not looking to make war with nobody this is a business you know I'm not looking here to make fucking war with nobody so that's why I don't that's why kind of didn't want to fly during COVID. All this shit, remember for like three years? People getting infestfights.

People are yelling on planes. The last thing you need is to be sitting there, some guy hits you with water. And you have to throw a punch at him. Now somebody's got a camera. And now it's a fucking nightmare because you tried to defend yourself but in today's America, you don't allow to do that.

No. Only Mike Tyson. Only Mike Tyson that time on the flight. That's great. And that guy's trying to sue him now. Really? Bam. I hope they don't let him win because that was,

if you don't know that story, it was like, a kid was like drunk and like, kind of like taunting Mike Tyson. And Mike allegedly was, there were some things thrown and you just saw the kid with like a fucked up face. It was awesome. I felt I was so happy for Mike.

That was like, because that kid was just being a dick. you know it never ends and you just have so much patience with people and you know thank god my people are an alcohol base no people that come to the show because i would shoot myself a lot of them just come up and give you that fucking uh glazed look like hey man and you're like okay here we go fucking jerry garcy and his assistant and it's still i got to laugh out of it you know right The drunk shit when they grab you. And they breathe that fire water breath in your face. And, you know, they say shit about their wives.

Come on, get next to Joey. Joey, grab a tit. Come on, man. They say all that craziness, you know, look at her ass. And you're like, and the girl is fucking embarrassed as fuck. She's like, I just wanted a date with you. I don't need somebody pointing out my tits. And you're like, I'm sorry.

You have to apologize. That's the shit that drives me crazy. Listen, I live out in the open. Okay? I've lived down in the open since I moved here. I mean, we lived down in the open in L.A. We were at weed stores and this shit every day, restaurants, crowd therapy. It's really weird.

About a year after I moved here, somebody pulled me aside one day, and they're like, you're blowing people's mind. Really? And I'm like, just because you were there? No, no, no. They're like, you're blown people's mind. And I go, what did I do now? And they're like, no, you didn't do nothing. It's what you don't do.

Remember I tell you the Navy used to tell me you don't act like a celebrity? Yeah. Tell her, I'm not a fucking celebrity. Well, that's what people expect of you to walk in. Like a girl said to me, have you been to this restaurant? I go, no. She goes, it's a three-week, whatever. But if you go, if you call them, they will definitely give you a knife with your name on it and a fork.

and I'm going, why would I do that? She goes, you wouldn't do that? I go, not a million fucking years. Am I announcing that I'm going over? I'll put it under my wife's name. And when I get there, you throw them the fuck off or whoever I'm going with his name. I don't believe in that.

I don't believe into coming into a softball game with a convertible down, listen to rap music, you know, all that shit, I move in silence. I was a burglar. I was a burglar. You have to look at the roots of somebody. it would be so weird to see you coming in with like a crazy hat on

or like the way that some like I go to fucking restaurants with sweatpants and a hooded sweatshirt shirt on and I love the reaction of people people's reaction it's like last week in Austin on Wednesday night I'm gonna fuck with these knuckahids I did the old I've been doing this since 80

1980 I've been doing this I put my sweatshirt on backwards that gets under people's fucking skin they all come up to you excuse me Mr. Diaz do you know your shirts on backwards What are you talking? Wait you It's not a hoodie right it's just a regular sweatshirt?

I have a certain sweatshirt that I love I've had it for since I was 450 it's already stretched I look like a three pound bologna and a half pound bag when I first wore it and over the years it just stuck around it's a sweatshirt that's great quality Okay

It's soft now So now So now I lost weight again. So now it's going down. So I said, you know what? I don't know what the temperature is in fucking Austin. It's a light sweatshirt. I go, let me wear it.

Let me bring it. I brought your shirt. I didn't know what the temperature was. And Wednesday night, I go, let me wear this blue fucking sweatshirt shirt backwards. If I didn't have 30 people come up to me, I was downstairs talking to a friend of my,

a lady came home and she goes, you know, I was dying to tell you when you were on stage. I didn't know if you knew. I go, this was planned. That's why you were dying to tell me. Jesus Christ. It tortures people. It tortures people. People come up to, excuse me, Joey, your shirt on backwards. Did you know that? And I can't tell you, who? Everybody. How did you figure this out? Like, how often do you wear

your sweatshirt on backwards? In 1980, I don't fucking know. I had a fucking shirt that I liked and one that I wore it out backwards. Honestly, by mistakely. Right. But the reaction I got was so fucking overwhelming.

I had to stick with it. I never felt so bad for people. It's like when I wear pants that I purposely show my ass crack, I'm just setting you up, you fucking dummy. You think anybody would bend over like you with these pants? I know how to do it to fucking just my...

Did you get a ham with that crack? You know, you're like, how old are we now? Get the propeller with the fucking hat. You know, after a while as a comedian, you learn how to, listen, for me as a comic, it's not the fucking laughter. It never has been. What? It never has been. So what is it?

It's the look on their face when I open up my mouth. That makes me laugh, so now I can make you laugh. What look do you like? I like to look when I... First of all, I love being wrong, but at the same time, I love being right. So if we're going to pick some, a woman to pick on, or whatever, just say something to a woman.

You look beautiful tonight. I'm looking for her reaction. If she gets her wiggles or tits, she's an animal. If she sits there and says, thank you, she's all right. but she could be an undercover cock sucker. So you have to push the envelope a little bit just to see if you get a thrill out of her. And then if I hit her with a joke,

if I hit the audience with a joke, I'm really focused on her. I'm watching her, even though you guys are seeing me, not watching her at all. And I'm waiting to throw an off-color joke to see her reaction. If her jaw drops,

the room is done. Really? Yeah, because I'll do a minute on everybody and then I'll bump into it mysteriously, but I already got the 10 minutes going already. I picked on the audience because I'm setting up my arsenal. I'm putting the 45 bullets in. I'm putting the 380s in.

I'm like Rambo, and the last Rambo. He's putting lights all those bombs. You're just buying time because the eight minutes you're going to dig into her are going to be tremendous. You're going to keep riding that joke out. You know, she had one leg. I was eating a pussy, you know,

and everything is a tag. And now you get them going one way, and now you just, and she's down there like this. That's, that's, muh. How do you pick her out? Do you have like a joke you do at the beginning

or do you do stuff at the beginning to, like, see who you're going to focus on? somebody got some guy like you comes in and says joe you're up in three minutes okay you just let the light and i'm gonna bring you right up i'll let you empty the room and right when you hit the door i'm behind you by like 30 seconds and i'm watching and as i get close to that curtain i give it a little look you never want to show you never want to step out there don't like but you want to find an angle that you could see and you're going to nail it there's 250 people 300 people, 300 people, you can nail five people, but you got to nail them in the front.

Nobody's going to see that chubby guy in the back or the chick with the eye patch on the other side. You got to pick them up front. Okay. Like, have you ever gone to like, this is why I hate comedy judges. And when I say comedy judges, not comedy contest judges. I hate when somebody goes to see Lee and Lee says a joke that's a little on. the dark side and he gets tagged the racist

you know he gets and these people have never done comedy before and all of a sudden you got a bad rap because a comedy judge all of a sudden you know I don't even know I was going with this those edibles are kicking in but

fuck it working because we were talking about you like you there's a woman in the crowd when like you right so you listen there's some people to go to a comedy club to tell their wife how much the comics suck. There's a lot of guys who go to a comedy show so their wives tell them how much this guy's

a fucking madical, psychopath, drug addict, you know. And then there's people that go in there with an open mind. There's always people who are going to go to a show and hate, you know. And you spot those people. They just don't want to be there. Go home to you. go home, close your eyes and think about a time when your mom took you to the synagogue with a bunch of smelly fucking guys with hats on and beards.

And what was your thing? You didn't want to fucking be there. Somebody drank the psychology of the comic has to think like that somewhere, even though I don't want you to think like that. I don't ever want you to even think about your set. I don't want you to predetermine your set. I don't want you to look and then go, Joey, they're all fat people. Joey, they're all old people.

Joey, they're all black people and they hate me. I have a black joke. You know, so comedy judges go to a show. All I know is one thing. Lee, and I tell you this with my heart, you were there for eight of those years. There's some shit that comes out of my mouth, and especially on stage.

And for me, I perfected it because it's not what you say, it's how you say. And at the comedy store, I worked a lot of late nights behind Paul Mooney. And there's eight people. in the room, five of them are black, three of them are fucking white, and they're scared that the black people are going to overtake them in the room. So they've already been manhandled by Paul Mooney. Now I got to go in there.

You know what, man? I'm not getting any play from the three white guys. So I got to go into the black guy. I've already done material. Paul Mooney's done it. It's one third, 15 in the morning. You've got to assume whatever stupid joke you wrote last night, somebody did it already. They see the same discovery channel.

about the fucking oceans body mouth. You know, everybody sees the smuggler get caught from Bolivia. I didn't know. It was medicine, you know, whatever. So you go to a different style. So now you've got to dig deep. Five black guys walk into the room.

What are you going to sing rock music? No, you got to sing Earth, one in fire. And you better fucking sing it on key because Maurice White was a bad motherfucker. But what I'm saying to you is you're going to go, what's going on, Doug? You're not going to call him a brother, because now they know you're faking the fuck.

Right. Warg. What's up? Boom. And he starts talking to you. Then he'll say something to you and you're like, dog, what's up with that fucking shit? What happened? And if you say something black or something hacky, don't.

But if you refer to Marvin Gay or something that people in the room haven't heard of, just because they haven't heard it, he knows. And right there, when you say that sentence that this idiot over here thinks it's racist, this black guy jumps up in the air and I, fives as friends. That's my dog and shit. This guy leaves and says, Joey said something racial.

Right. It's how you perceive it. It's fucking crazy, man. It's fucking, the education is nonstop. And now you see the backlash of people and saying, and guess what?

People want to hear some crazy shit. People sick and tired. People want to hear crazy shit from the heart. Let me tell you something. I cracked the joke last week, but I never thought I was going to crack. And it went so smooth one time, then it died two other times. Were you trying to, like, recreate what you did the first time?

Like, why do you think it bombed or didn't do well? I didn't say it right. The first time I said I was more excited about the premise. It was the joke about Orlando with the gay ghost after the shooting at Pulse. Right. You go to Orlando and you could go to Disneyland, the gay ghost is tapping on the show. Last time I went out in Orlando, somebody shot. me, you know, shit like that.

You know, the first, I mixed it with something else that made it very funny. I don't want to give the thing out. Right, no. What I wanted to talk about tonight was what I just did. Okay. I'm no Jerry Lewis.

I'm no Dean Martin. I'm no fucking Bill Burr. I'm no Chappelle. And I know this going in. I never try to do anything. But I want to talk to people about how easy it is. Because this is what people don't fucking understand. That whatever they want in life, it's right in front of you.

Your fingertips, at the end of your fingertips, whatever you want in your life. If you want a yacht to bring freaks out like Big Ditty and Epstein, it's not going to work out for you. You saw what I got you. Go for something positive. You want an electrical company. You want a limousine company. And then I don't know how you're going to do it.

But everything is fucking possible. What are we talking about? What you did this week? Okay, so we came on here in January. I was a little scared, but I knew I had no other alternative. I knew when my life was going, and I'm like, I can't. I'm not that type of person. I got to do something.

And we decided on doing stand-up as a hobby twice a week. No big deal, no weekends. I'm not going to Massa Square Garden of that guest set to show people. You know, none of that shit. We're going back to bed basics. you know, a couple restaurants, a strip club,

and Uncle Vinnie's, just to get my feet fucking wet, you know? And I pretty much hit the goal every week except one. I only got out stage once one week. And was I upset? Sure, I was.

I was more upset for you guys at home because I told you I was doing two sets a week. And then I decided, let's go test the whatever sets. It was past 10. at that point, way past. Why count them? I already hit 10.

Now it's time to move on. Let's see where this takes us. We agreed on 10. There was nothing to discuss. There was nothing to fucking discuss. And then this opportunity came. I knew I wanted to go down there. We had discussed me going down a few times

and just doing 15. And I'm going to be as honest I can with you. Brother to brother, I'd rather got on a plane to Austin than drive an hour of 15 somewhere. even though the flight down there is pure hell. It's four hours. They throw a curb ball at you. You're like getting ready to follow.

You're scratching your nuts. You're putting fucking, you know, Malukia juice on your neck. And all of a sudden it's like, we're landing in an hour and 35 minutes. What? And that hour is like fucking going to the chat. Oh, Jesus. Yeah, it was. But I want to get back to what you're talking about because you, do you think it was like the level of,

not that there's not good comedy where you were going, but like, that's like the hottest club in the world right now. So like, because you were saying like you, you would rather fly to Austin than drive an hour and 15. I said like, what do you think it was? Because you've been doing comedy at some good places, but the mothership is probably the hottest club in the world right now. All right.

In two sentences for you. You and I both know that we spoke one night, and I said to you, I had an opportunity to go somewhere and get on stage. In the last four months, Bert's been here. Tom's been here, you know. I could have just gone down there.

Right. Minutes in front of 2,300 people. That's not what I was trying to do, Lee. For the first three months, I was trying to fall in love with this again. And I did. I fell in love with connected dots. I've always loved connected dots.

Throwing something out, putting it into your notebook, and two weeks later, that's a gem you were looking for because you connected it with this. There's no better feeling than that. Maybe somebody fucking, you know, pouring fucking hot wax on your nutsack. I don't know. I've never been there. But I enjoyed it again.

And I could do 15 minutes. Listen, I've been doing comedy for 30 years. Why am I being such a fucking weasel? I can do 15 minutes of my sleep. Right. But I wouldn't allow myself. I would start with six, seven, eight. I just wanted to fall in love with this beautiful fucking art again.

I didn't just want to go into the sunset. For me, it was never about playing the garden. It was never about being on Letterman or it's a night show. I knew where I was going to end up. Excuse me, I didn't know I'd end up here. I didn't know that, you know, I would do Ari's fucking storytelling show and people coming up to me crying and shit. I didn't know these things.

You know, you always think you're a comic and you end up a storyteller. People are storytellers. You know, you never know what this journey is. is going to take you. You know what I'm saying? What are we talking about? About why you like going to Austin? So number one, listen,

I had one of the biggest fucking opportunities in the world. I got a chance to walk into the comedy store in my seventh year doing comedy and develop and develop and develop. And there was a lot of fucking eating shit and a lot of nonsense. And would I do it again? Apps are fucking looting.

But one thing I learned at the end was from 2014, when you were in my life as a regular. And I told you, I went to Columbus and ate a bag of shit. I realized that that saying is absolutely true. If you want to become metal, whatever, you got to sharpen metal with metal. I still remember going there and eating a bag of dicks after Dahlia. I still had to remember going through, you know,

following DeLeah six or seven sets and going, wow, it's a different fucking game. You've got to follow somebody and then bring somebody up in front of you. And it took me three or four months to get the hang. Once I got the hang, chit-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-chit. Now we're full-time, you know, and I learned a lot. It's tough to follow Louis C.K. It's tough to follow Bill Burder. It's tough to follow these guys.

But it's not going up there and topping them. It's being you. I'd rather you go up there and be you than trying to top me. You knew when you came in the room. He's a better writer than you. He's a better performer. But you know these things. If you're going to let your ego get involved,

I'm better than him, my dog, I did a movie with De Niro. Yeah, whatever, you fucking dummy, you know. But if you go up there, and these are the things I learned from 2014 only, when I was already 15 years in this shit. This is why I say to you, relaxed it tight, smell the roses. You're going to get some lumps. But at the end, it's all fucking worth it.

If you pick the right and you play your cards, you know, I see it. I seen it. I see Tim Dillon. I saw Shane get fucking blackmailed, black mailed, blackballed, blackballed on Saturday Night Live. And all of a sudden, four years later, he's back hosting it. Why? Because cream rises to the top. All you got to keep doing is your.

fucking job. Bob, blah, blah, blah, and you'll see. But if you're just going out to

try stupid jokes and to impress your little friends in the back, oh, ha ha, I see you. This is fucking too,

it's too hard. So we were talking about the involvement. I'm so proud of you because you involved yourself in 15 days of comedy camp.

That's half a fucking 30 days. Some people go to jail. for hitting the clown in the car while they're on a bike or whatever the fuck. You just did 15 days. That's big. I talk shit about you

every day over that. When people go, how's Lee doing? I go, Lee's at the fucking whatever in Vegas right now. Come on. What's he doing? He's fucking featuring over there. Come on. Lee. Even Joe said, Joe asked me, how's Lee doing?

I go, he's featuring at the whatever. And he goes, thank God you broke up the podcast. Wow. Yeah. But it's that's cool. You would have died and you were not better shit. He goes, think about it. Thank God he broke up the podcast because he learned a ton of shit. That's why he's at the strat of field this weekend. So that was probably the best part of the trip when he mentioned that to me. I got my, uh, that fucking shot in my knee. Oh yeah? Like stem cells?

I got this. This is the second one. Is it, is it helping? A shout out to ways to well. Is it working? The first shot did miracles. And it still wasn't hurting. I just went down to the back it up. If you're walking on ice, I'm doing some walking now. You know, you got to walk to the fucking stage.

Sometimes you forget, Lee, and I put all my weight on that knee and push myself up. Oh. Why land you get this fucking kicking the balls? And sometimes I get on this fucking bum crooked knee, the surgery knee. and I get up there and fucking again, it buckles out of you. So I got to be careful. You know, that's why I don't want to do anywhere big. I can't be walking around the fucking dark back there.

The worst thing for me is to fall out of a fucking side curtain. You know me, though. I just get up and do comedy while I'm talking to you attorneys on the hotline. Oh, I always think I'm going to fall. God, there was one club we used to do that you had to walk through tunnel like I was going in when they said

Tony Montana when he came from Cuba for that fucking tentville. Yeah. Yeah. Like I don't want to walk through there now. The last thing I want to do is fall in front of fucking then I'm on TMZ. Chubby Joe, he fell and shit. You know, I'm not built

to be on TMZ. That's why I always avoided those motherfuckers like a I was I was thinking about that the other day. there was two situations with me where I think I laughed the hardest. It was me and Ralphie. God rest of the cell.

This had to be 90 fucking, no, I'm lying to you guys. It had to be about 2007. I was clean. He was picking me up on Mondays when he got back. And we'd go to Jerry's Deli in Beverly Hills. Okay.

And one night we got weed. We stopped at the improv, you know, And you're hungry? Yeah, I'm hungry. Let's go to jerrys. We get the juries. He goes, man, it's fucking quiet.

We pull up to the valet. As he gets out, two TMZ guys put cameras on him and go, Gabriel, how are you doing? And you can hear that, I just turned around to the fucking restaurant. And when he came in, after we got fucking food, I go, Gabriel, how are you doing? Fucker, now I'm going to hear the end of that shit.

Oh, I can't believe, to be honest, that's probably the nicest thing I could imagine you doing is running into. I can't believe you didn't laugh in front of TMZ's face. No, no. I'm like an old fucking gangster. I put the fucking thing, unless you're paying me, I put the fucking thing up. I don't want to be around. Jesus, they called him Gabriel. What are they trying to fuck with him?

No, they were like, the guy just didn't know. Or, you know, looking back now, yeah, he was. probably fucking with him. But Ralphie was a asshole. Oh yeah, but that must suck. You could do that too. That's so funny. And what was the second laugh?

One night, I was there, but I was not there. Okay. Okay. And this is a long time ago, Lee. This is there used to be a place on Beverly. Right? After you

came down LaBre, you hooked a right. And you went. You know, who would know Josh Wolf. He was the king of that place. You went down. It was on a corner. And they had little umbrellas. It was like a 50s joint.

And people sat out there. It just closed. I think it closed. But Josh, they used to dog. They made shakes that would knock your dick into the dirt. Protein, regular shakes, refa shakes. Not like they put reef in it. This is way before any of that nonsense.

Right. The spot, the spin. something, something, will ask Josh Woolf. And the cool thing in those days was, I was broke as hell, but the good thing to do was after the store,

you'd go down there at 2 o'clock. And there'd be different people eating, you know. And I got with Josh and his family, and I got, I think, with Joe Rogan and a bunch of other people on that. After the club on sunset we used to do, the guy took us there to eat a bunch of us. had like umbrellas and shit.

I don't fucking know. It was good, though. And then one night, I went to a Janet Jackson concert. Now, you know, it was 1990. I got no money on a Janet Jackson concert. I got to do with the store. But my spot was at 11 o'clock, 1130 at the store, and the Janet Jackson concert started at 7.30.

I was friends with Dougie Fresh. I'm over at Doug Stanhope's house in the afternoon, talking shit with him. And these girls moved in next door. And they were the fucking best. They were like, they hung out of coaching horses. They'd smoked dope. They were a lot younger than I.

If I was 38 at the time, they were like 27, 28, whatever. And one night, one of the girls, they were roommates. They had gotten Janet Jackson tickets. And the one girl couldn't go. She had to work as a waitress or some shit. So the girl came over and asked Stan, home Stan. I was like, what are you fucking kidding? I mean, I'm like, bro, I'll go see Janet Jackson.

And that's the night I told you we were broke and she had great tickets and Jimmy Smith was getting beers for our corner. You know, I was dead brokely. If I had five hours, I was holding on to it like a fucking, a blind guy holds on to a cane. This motherfucker is going nowhere, right? And I guess I went to the store, did my set, you know, I couldn't borrow 20 bucks. And we ended up going to that place. And we sat down about 2.30. We were hot in the back smoking dope, just way before my wife. Me and this girl had no nothing. She was just, she was standing up's neighbor. Right. You know, she smoked dope. I smoked dope. There was no blow that night. There was no money for blow. And we went to that

milkshake place to get like a milkshake because we were stoned. And I want to tell you his name, but I don't. Okay. And a celebrity came in there, somebody who was hot at that time on TV, Like I'm Buffy the vampire. You know, at the time, I was doing stand-up guys. So you knew you was famous, but you didn't know from what? Yes, I didn't. The girl, and everybody was like, look who it is. And I was like, I don't know who this guy is.

I love to tell you, I'm friends with him and go take a fucking, you know, and go give him a hug. Oh, my God. I haven't seen you since the gym, you know. And next thing you know, TMZ comes right now from, like, behind the car. And the one guy said something. Again, Lee had a couple numbers in me. At that time, I didn't drink, but it was too 30 in the morning.

I'm tired. I was just focusing on the milkshake. She was going to give me a ride to where I was staying with the girl I was dating at the time. And that was going to be the end of the night. And this guy comes over. And I mean, as he walks, all the girls, like, you know, look who it is. He's from this. You know, he's in this.

And all of a sudden, TMZ came out. Right. I shouldn't say TMZ. It was 1998. It could have been anybody. A paparote. They started lurking. And this guy came out and another guy came out.

And the first guy was doing pretty good. They were talking about his TV show, his workout regimen. And then the fucking other guy said to him, are you still doing blow? And this guy turned around one shot, bro. But boom. Camera hit. You know, you forget all the stupidity I saw in the beginning.

And he went down and we paid for the milkshakes and left. She told everybody about what had happened. I had two sets at the comedy store that night. I forgot what the fuck it was. And it's because of that, I don't. And then I had beef with them up in, no, they weren't TMZ either. Remember that fucking place in Studio City on Sunday? were all the fucking

Camales and shit next to the five Oh the farmer's market? Yes, they used to lurk in there They used to hide by the five guys Not the five guys Where you five brothers Where you buy skis and shit There was a little fucking

A little fucking They had tamales in there It was always a great place But they weren't messing with me They were messing with somebody else And as I was walking to the car He said something to me and I had my wife in mercy.

I just kept walking. He said something about big pussy. Oh, Jesus Christ. I'm not going to answer to that. And that was it. But besides that, when I saw that guy get knocked out, I'm like,

and then I didn't see it again for six or eight years later when the guy is like, fluffy. And I'm like, oh no. We have the fracture. You know,

he had the gold chains on that night, the rings like Elvis. He busted out. The guy going to go, of Ralphie Mae, the guy who's little fluffy and fucking Ralphie. And you can't stop laughing at that. Oh, yeah. You just can't.

Especially you. That's why I was shocked that you ran inside. I can't, I love, like you, like that's like someone giving you a gift. Not really. No, you don't think so? No. Listen, at that time, I had done, no, I had done the longest yard. In my mind, for me, nothing happens, so fuck it, right?

I don't want this guy to see me. I already had enough problems. Now, when I was a Ralphie, I was always clean. I was only high around Ralphie came to me one day. I appreciate if you don't do that shit around me, and that was it. That was like 1990-7. He caught me in the bathroom one night. Wow.

No, and like, I know you don't want to embarrass Ralphie, but just between, like, you and him, if there hadn't been a camera there, like that's something you would have laughed about for probably three hours. Talk, I laughed about it for five, for ten years. I still think of, you know, I still think of shit, you know.

But again, that wouldn't have been introduced to me if it wasn't part of that journey. Because at one time, I didn't know, like, he was flat broke. And I still, you asked Josh Wolf. I was living with Josh. Okay. All right.

And we were, that's the day that I was in the pool with the kids and the neighbors and what happened. Josh Wolf brothers. And Josh yells down, where's the fuck in and whatever? And Joey, where's the whatever? I forget what he was looking for. And I yelled up, you know, look in the draw. And I spelt it wrong. Okay.

D-R-E-W. You know, it was like 11 o'clock on the Sunday morning. Nobody had money. We had just chipped in for like toast, whatever. And we're all out there like 11 of the spider pool. That's broke. If you're chipping in for toasts. You know, I was eating Joshua food.

Not embarrassed to say this shit. This was what it was, man. And when I scored, I gave Josh a 40. You know, we always were working together. This is part of that deal that people, will never understand. And we had to get ready because Ralphie had a barbecue.

Now in 98, Ralphie wasn't rolling and fucking dumb. But I'd never forget that people brought meat over, and at one point, Ralphie looked at Josh and he goes, hold on one second. I'll never forget this. And he turned around, he goes, bring this home for your kids.

And it was candy, not fucking shitty candy from the dollar store. It was candy. Ralph's candy. And that night, Josh goes, you know, Ralph, he's the type of guy. He had no money, but he still remembered to get my kids candies. That's something, that's something fucking, that's something special.

I remember sleeping on Josh's, that whole, I got to talk to Josh Wolf, because we got to write a sitcom on that building. I was thinking about it on the fucking plane. I was even making notes on the computer. I'm like, we were so stupid. it. That building had everything. Is that the building where you let the homeless

guy on fire by accident? His blanket? No, this is on, this is around the corner Vista. Okay. It was on Vista. On the corner was Charlie Chan printing. And across the street was the guitar center. Oh my God. Okay. On sunset. And then where I used to buy weed

in those days was on Comston Right Okay So one day I went to Comston And I had I don't know

I had 57 And I had it all planned out Right This is like guys With $57 Was $50 fucking $7 All right I stop at Comston

I get a 20 That leaves me with $37 Or maybe I had started The day with 37 That's what it was I started

the day with 37. I went to the weed dealer. He wasn't home. So I said, fuck it. If he's not home, I might as well go eat some Chinese. The place across the street from Rock and Roll Rouse, they used to have a laundry mat and a Chinese place. The Chinese place is probably still there. When we got there, the Chinese place was banging. They had the complete lunch special, you know, the soda soup, egg roll, entree, white rice, the thing, the thing, the ice cream, the fucking massage, $5.99. And we were there every fucking day for lunch. Yeah.

Happy birthday of Ricky Cruz. Ricky, fucking, uh, Ralphie, you know, it was just a tray of us would go there for lunch. Whoever was in town, John, fucking this guy, that guy, eight of us would torture this poor Chinese lady. Then we got fun. Then we started making money. We went to the, oh, you can eat sushi place.

with Helen. But before that, we used to go to the Chinese place. With Helen. Helen was the Japanese lady. Right. No, so he used to go to the Chinese lady. Chinese pokey.

She looked like her friend Stacy Poki, but she was only Chinese. Really cute, glasses, the whole thing, she would torture us and shit. That's what you need in the sitcom? That's what you need in the sitcom? Just that like all you guys go on

the Chinese place. That's crazy. There was a time in 98 where I would wake up in a radius. Of what? Of the building? Okay, I could have either been across the street from the on sunset. This is where you found

me. I've never come clean with this, but this is where I'm going to go. You learned the shit in those days. If I was legit to quit, I'd end up at Ralphie's on the floor. With our friend, Joe, and John.

If Ralphie, for some fucking reason, wasn't around, I'd end up on one of the apartments in that building. At that time, there was maybe two other people who had apartments in that building. If you didn't end up there, you ended up with Josh Wolves. But at that time, let's forget about Gardner yet. Gardner had never been to place. It was Sierra Bonita, all those streets, right?

From, like, where Rock and Roll Ralph was, I can end up on Svista in like three apartments the chick with no chin Josh Wolf or his brother The chick with no chin

Go on, I'm sorry All right So and in that building There was Reefa A white Jewish guy With a big Jewish star Sold weed And he was hooked up with a black girl

Of course He spoke with a Jamaican accent Yeah A white Jewish Jamaican. I mean, he's in the garage. So you know we were tapping that ass, right? Oh. Clipping an ounce or half.

I don't even blame another's girlfriend. Right. You stole my weed, mom. Yeah. She would go, no, I didn't, you Jew bastard. I'm not Jewish. I'm a Rastafarian Jew. So that was one building.

Then you had the chick with no chin. You had to fucking. two call girls. You had the two heroin girls that were fucking great girls. There's no like shit because they wouldn't take showers. They wouldn't wash their paws.

Oh, it was a fucking TV show. There was another girl who was very sweet. She spoke a weird language. We all used to talk to her really cute. And one day, one of the guy pulls me over and he goes, hey, when you go home tonight, watch this movie, he wrote it down,

he goes, it's on Cinemax. And like two weeks later, I'm in some hotel. And boom, it's this neighbor, like completely naked on all fours with fucking Eric Roberts. Tremendous. It was a crazy-ass fucking building. But if I didn't end up there, I would end up at the hotel. But it didn't matter.

I always tried to stay past the gas station. So on the way up to Josh's, I could stop in the gas station, steal a pack of cigarettes. Oh, my God. It was like automatic. and I timed it every time the little guy went outside to pump gas, I would zoom in there and he'd go, hey, what's happening?

Nothing. Let me go inside, get some of the drink. I'd have like a dollar. I'd put my hand up. I'd have like cools, a pack of parliaments, then voila, Marlboro lights or camelites. You were like a, you were torturing that. How long were you living like this? And then I would go.

off the corner. If I was really hungry and I had no money, I would go to Josh Wolves. If I had money, I would go to the fucking the sunset grill. That's way before you came. That was when it was the original Sunset Grill with the guy, with the platform foot, and he had the clothes, dump up, and he would make the burgers, and he, oh, it was fucking tremendous. And then something happened there.

The guy died, then they redid it, and then there were egg and cheese sandwiches. Nice. And I would go in there And all these coast dudes would be in there, the guy from Buffy, the good-looking guy that's still on fucking TV.

He's from Philly. So we had that. We had our compadre. We had Charlie Chan. I had a tab with him. And what year did you have a tab? 1997. Trust me.

It was tough talking a Chinese guy to give you a tap. It was 10 cents a copy, 25 cents for a copy of a headshot. You know, then he would lend me to Staples. I would sit there and staple him and shit and fucking torture.

How much were you printing that you needed a tab? The guy's name was like Mike, but I did that. Yeah, I call him Charlie Chan. That's the name on the fucking door. It's Charlie Chan. Charlie Chan just like the fuck. Was he Asian? No, he was Puerto Rican.

Yeah, he was Chinese. The guy was Chinese. He was very businesslike, uptight. And I would go and go, where's Charlie Chan? And he would come over. My name is Mike. Okay, listen, Mike, let's not get off. A week later, every Monday I was in there because I had to make copies for the agent.

I was working a scam with the agents because every week somebody would get a headshot. One Monday would be my theatrical agent and one Monday would be my commercial agent. And I would do that every week. I would do those copies that he opened at 9. I was in that 901 already tortured. What's Charlie Chess? For the 100th? How long are you doing this to these people?

Charlie, my name is Mike. What's that? I just love that you. My name's Mike for the 600th time. My name is Mike. And I would, yeah, the essence of the debt, I'd be in that week later. Charlie Chan, what's cracking for me? My name is my name is Mike.

Okay. Okay. It was a, it was a, it was a, see, this shit. forgot. I got to write a book about this shit. And then I started waking up at the hotel. The guy that owned the Comedy Club in Florida sold it, and he showed up in Hollywood

like $400,000 cash. And every night he'd go to the store with an ounce of Coke. And fucking, every night they ended up at that hotel right across from the Sunset End, whatever. Rattie little hotel. Then I got the commercial

and I had a little Getus now. I moved up into the world. So it was a hotel. Oh, this is very interesting. There was a hotel on Shrader. Okay. It later became the hostel. Oh, okay. But that hotel was a hotel where you're only allowed to stay in there for three weeks.

Then they would transfer you to where the pizza place was up there next to the other laundromat. And then once you did three weeks up there, you couldn't be there as a certain residence. So when me and the girl broke up, I would go in there and stay for, a week and then go on the road and then come back and then stay there for three days and go on the road brother you don't know what life is till you wake up in that part of town at that time that was the old hollywood and i would come out of there there was fucking people yelling in that hotel room there'd be people hanging out in the hallway it was real jack did you have a car or no you didn't have a car at this point it depended what they were

How can it possibly depend on? Because he always bump into a car Who's not leaving town for two weeks Because they're going to Miami to do comedy And here I am doing 90 around town Getting tickets They come back You did not get tickets

Under other people's cars, did you? Come on, man In those days When you get to LA The first thing about LA Or any city you move into How they welcome you is with parking tickets they're confused

you get out there every morning with your robe what is the meaning of this and they're like this it's from 9 to 11 and you're like okay I won't have it out of and the next day you come out there at 845 and they got your car already hooked up then a week later again you get another ticket

now you got to go down there and take the car and it's just when I got to L.A., I was, you know, my motto was you buy him, I smash him. That was like my brother's my fucking RIP brother's fucking motto So it was Doug Stanhope had a car

but it was great. You could use it, air conditioning there was only one problem. The gauge didn't work so you didn't know that the car was full or empty. Sometimes you got that motherfucker and you just had to pray until you got to the gas station. And again, I wasn't Johnny Deep pockets. I would start with a food stamp, you know, whatever I could hustle up the night before. Times were tough.

And how long did it take? taking until you had like a like a legit apartment was it was it with was it with your wife that you've got your first apartment six months before that can you believe that how long was it if i would have just held off six more months you would have saved three thousand dollars i met my wife in july of 2000 i agreed to pay rent at my friend's house when i got there he didn't have a room for me he had a couch And if I felt a little double-crossed, you know, whatever, listen, I lived there. Some months he took rent, some months he didn't. It was a crazy time for everybody.

You got to remember, that year opened up with me not being in L.A. I didn't spend New Year's in L.A. that year. I was in El Pas, no. Yes. No. Yes, I was in El Paso until Y2K. That next July is when. I met my wife.

And how long had you been living between these apartments and hotels? At this time? Yeah. Like when did that start? 97? Two years. When I first got I moved with a girl, we had an apartment. Right, right, right, right, right.

We were there for a year, and then we broke up. And then she moved to the other part of town. I stayed with Josh Wolf, and I went on the road. I slept, I didn't, I could tell you, I slept at the comedy store. I don't know. But I was there at 9. no one to take a shower.

Do you, and I don't know if you're going to even be able to answer this, but that, those three years of comedy, were they like the most important? Like, I just imagine you, you accomplished a lot in those three years. Those three years of comedy made me figure out L.A. They were very important because they, I went to L.A., a feature act that had taken sixth in the Seattle comedy competition. That didn't mean shit, but it meant. meant six meant the world to me, which I sold it as the world.

So when I started making calls down there and putting tapes together at the time, whatever, and headshots, that's what I was selling. I'm here based on that. I had a couple comic friends, so they helped me out. And this, you know, Doug, it was a ton of them that worded up for me at the improv, at the laugh factory, you know, I'd gone to L.A. once to do a showcase for the Latino a laugh factory. And I met Marilyn Martinez and Gabriel, the other one,

Gilbert Escobal, who was always one of my fucking angels in my corner, him and Rudy and those guys. So it was finding myself, Ralphie May, living in an apartment, sleeping on his floor. But guess what? We got there at 2.15 and we drank Bloody Marys and joked around and we lit Ralphie's hair on fire and shit. but regardless of who was there there was always a notebook out really there was always three notebooks out okay and let me tell you something else that people seem to forget in those walls where was he j more and jay moore's partner good kid his name slips my mind created last

comic stand. And the Jay Moore sports show before that. In that Ralphie Mae apartment. So I don't give a fuck what anybody tells you. I'll get Jay Moore on one of these podcasts and he'll tell you in that Ralphie kitchen is where they created more sports. And from there, in that kitchen, smoking dope, whatever they were doing, drinking the fucking water.

I would put in the vodka bottle. they would fucking that's a glass comic standing you check your

historians on that my friend that's a crazy like sacrifice for three years for who I mean look and maybe not

but to me to not have an apartment to not have like you know it's right your hand guess what if I know

I'm going to do an eight ball Tuesday and I'm running out of money on Thursday. Guess what I'm doing all day today? What? I'm booking a Thursday somewhere. I don't care if I got a roller skate to the gate. I'm making calls. And guess what?

Thursday becomes a Friday. And then the guy from fucking Sacramento calls and says, bro, I got a Saturday in a theater. It only pays 500. 500. That's another week of fucking the hotel. And there you go. You just survived another week in three days.

There was always planning the weekend and, you know, do I want to do this? Well, guess what? I'm going to be out of town anyway. I can pack up my little suitcase, leave it at Lee's house, give him a fucking eighth of weed, and go do my gig. I come back Tuesday, the luggage is going to be there. And I got money to go back into the hotel. So there was always an angle.

That's what you figured out. How bad did you want to do comedy and how good did you want to do get at comedy? That was part of the fucking angle. Yeah, and it's awesome. and it's like it's cool that's crazy to think now that you're fucking do you feel like you're back at that level again obviously i know you're better but like because you're kind of starting over like a little bit from scratch i'm at no level right now i'm not having any expectations i'm doing 15 minutes and that's holding my breath and fucking slowing down my material you know i'm old

man jit-sum piling myself on top of you so i can breathe a little bit better but that's that's you know I still remember like the first of the month being like on Wednesday. Okay. And you coming to me on like Sunday saying to me, hey, man, next Friday, I need one of those A-balls for 250. Now, I already had the weekend booked on Thursday, Friday, Saturday. I was driving to fucking some hell gig and I'll never forget where I was going. Like Arizona, I had a casino. You did comedy under a tent.

I didn't want to ever remember it. You know what I'm saying? I think somebody gave me a throw pro hypnosis when I was there. Because all I remember is going there and coming back. But in all seriousness, on fucking Wednesday, I would call you up and go, go, do they boy you want, they want fucking two and a quarter today. drop the money off.

You dropped the money off. I'll tell you I'm going to call you that night. I paid a rent and I leave town. And I fucking go to the club, get an advance, bring the money back. I call him Sunday and go, did you get my text? Would you get my message? No, I didn't.

What are you talking about? Talk, the eight ball's been sitting here. I left the fee in the apartment. Come over and get it. And he would go, oh my God, I thought you beat me. No. I had to go up to fucking. So you play this.

store game the same way you do with creditors and fucking your bills at the beginning of the month. Right. That was it guys. That was it for a guy like me. I was, listen, I sold cigars on the phone. I sold appointments on the phone. I

fucking was a telemarker at the comedy store with three other people that I remember their names and the guy who ran the room. That's how I'm serious, I took that time in my life. And I did all these things to be involved. What do you mean by involved?

You're just not mind fucking yourself no more. You're doing it. Even if it's the tiniest level. This is what you want. This is the game I provide for you. If you want to do stand-up comedy, I can't fucking, if you call me up and go, Joey, you know, you're going to Austin.

You know, and the rumor, there's no rumor. I'm going to Austin. Once a month turns 100 degrees. There's no room for fat people in Austin after fucking June. I'll let you know my next date depending on the fucking weather monsoon season. If the pipes break, a month a month. Once the summer hits, I'm not going to the 100 degree weather. I've already been through that sacrifice.

I don't waste not anybody. But if you called me and said to me, I'm not doing that anymore, Lee. But I don't know what I'm going to do. Well, I have an idea for you. You told me the funny bone won't high. You told me fucking percipsey comedy. club won't hire. You told me the chain won't hire. This guy won't hire you. The only person who hired you is this room in Connecticut. That almost went out of business. So I'll tell you what,

I don't know none about it, but I know a lot of good comics that are on a shit. That's how you test people. And they'll go, you know, Joey, that's not a bad idea. Lee, it's eight sets a week. If you do it for three months at three grand a week, not only are you going to get better, but you got a little money and then you come back and get an apartment so you wouldn't look down on that excuse me you wouldn't look down on that

like if they did crew chips for a few months who would fucking mind to look down on how you do your path okay I just don't take no pictures of it make sure a big time book is see that you know playing a ukulele

don't put it on my resume that I like I played the chips. Nobody could judge you. I'm just teasing. I don't care. Nobody could really judge you at this game, you know, as long as you're doing it. The people that are to judge you aren't doing it. Right.

They're sitting at home waiting for a handout. So fuck them. I'm sorry to go over on you guys tonight. It was just good to see Lee. I'm very proud of you, Doug. I mean a lot, buddy. No fucking, you know, nobody roofied you. Nobody took you into a room.

it didn't bad things to you. No, everyone was awesome to me. It was a great. You could sit on their lap and tell them the story of when the Jews fought the Romans and they held them off for 10 years. That's a good story.

It's a long story. You can work a score of 45 into 2000 on a college education for later. I don't want to sit on someone's lap for that long. Listen, nobody does, but everyone wants it a lot of you. You got to do what you got to do.

You got to do. you know sometimes you're sitting in his lap and rub the back of his head you're looking mighty handsome to that it's the blue cream gray you're putting in your head do you go and buzz it you know thank god I never oh do you imagine you know I asked you a couple of times you want to go up to the room we can play bingo no listen the type of guy that plays bingo I'll sit on your lap with a small 10 Gs for 15 minutes. Then I got to go do what I got to do. You want me to call somebody else in? I got to cover. And he'll do whatever you want, but you got to give me another 10G commission because

I know where the body's head. You know what I'm saying? If he disappears, I don't know nothing. For the extra 15, if he disappears, listen, I don't know nothing. His parents live in in, fucking England, nobody knows nothing. I bet a lot of people go for that extra 15. Oh, please. If you had $20, $20 million. You went to Vegas and you were fucking, you know, savage of savages. What wouldn't you do? You read these stories. Vegas, and it was awesome and I love it, but Vegas is a very strange place.

Vegas is, listen. I don't care what happens anywhere else. If you come to me and tell me something happened to you in Kentucky, you know, you got that luck. I could see a chick just taking it home and whipping you and sitting on you. making you yelling Yiddish, you know what I'm saying? I can see that happening too. Yes. No, you can't. But anyway, when you go to Vegas, bro, all bets are off.

Listen, I used to fucking get lit, but I got no shame to say this. At the time I went with Rogan, the first time, to the Riviera as a feature for the late show, I did not get lit, and I did not snort coke. It was 30, 20-something years ago, guys. you know, I'm telling you right now. And then the second time I went to that casino where the kid stabbed me with the sword.

And I had had it by Thursday. Every time I go on the fucking elevator, some different person would stab me on the sword or it would be a bunch of fucking, you know, just not my style. But, you know, it was one of those places that I heard things about when I was younger from real people. And I always minded my peas and cues. I never let people in my room, none of that stuff.

No. But I used to have a drug dealer who delivered to your door. Nobody knew nothing. He knocked on your door. No matter what hotel you were laying at, he would call you and say, call the front, tell him fucking I'm coming up. All right, boom, boom, boom.

And he would leave it. He'd leave the extra sleep package for the extra $35. That I did. And even that, when I got into a deep situation, I would go in the bathroom and make believe I was in the shower and fucking hide all the lights so the cameras wouldn't get me

while I did a couple bumps and tried to bang one out. You know what I'm saying? Before the DEA broke into my room. Oh, no. You hear shit in a Vegas hotel? Like, they're loud. Growing up, I heard two things.

I was like, you know what? And I would tell people, when you go to Vegas, remember, they're watching you. And forget about, oh, well, Joey, the technology. Listen, they're watching. they're protecting a fucking $200 million property.

He's just going to get some eight Joe Schmo's to walk in here. They're watching. They spend half of that fucking dough on security. They're always watching in Las Vegas. Everywhere. Except when Tupac got shot. There wasn't a motherfucker around.

You know what I'm saying? I'll see you next week, brother. Where are you this week? This week I'm home. April 13th is the next one at the Grand Mercy Theater with Josh Wolf. That's next week. You got to come in earlier to see Uncle Joey. I'm coming in on Thursday.

Should I come? I can come in earlier. Coming earlier. So you can spend the night, do some edibles. We'll see where your tolerance is at. It's not where it's supposed to be. I mean, it depends on. I'll drop you off at Thomas River at the Shaman's house for two hours.

Let them take the spirits away from you before you go to New York and attract new ones. You know what I'm saying? I feel you. I love you, buddy. Shout out. Have a great week. I got nothing this week. I got a couple things, but I don't know where I'm going to end up this week. But I'll be out there banging it. I got some ideas and I'm excited.

I love it. I'm so happy. Me too. I'm happy. I'm happy. Good. I know. You're always happy. This is my tolerance. God damn it. What? You told me to get high and then I get high. I told you to get high. You just don't have to say, I'm happy. You know what I'm saying? You know what I said? You said, again, I'll have to drop you off somewhere in a particular neighborhood. until they can chase you around. How long are they going to chase me for what he's talking about?

Please don't drop me out. I can't chase you. Because while you're in the car getting high with me, I put a side in your back, sweet-ass for rent. All business accepted. $10,000 for 15 minutes. Oh, wait, forget it.

If I was your man, man in Vegas, you wouldn't even do nothing. You just go in the room and maybe like say, you know what, I'm in the mood for love. Next thing, you know, I shoot some tear gas in there and the money would be on the counter. Where's the money on the counter? Hit it.

I'm in the mood for love. But doesn't that mean I'm getting tear gas every time? No, no, we're going to spy. Listen. I know motherfuckers that no motherfuckers, and you know motherfuckers that no motherfuckers. So, you know, remember, You're going to make me say it in public?

I'm not going to call these basic Jewish people. I'm going to call my Jew in Israel. And then that Jew calls your Jew, and then we get the wheels going. I'm following you. You've got to make me drop names in. Never. I'm sorry. What matter with you? Next thing, I've got to knock on my door. And there's the Jew from over there, calling over here.

There's three guys already at my door before I wrap up the podcast. and they knocked differently. I apologize for bringing it up. Yeah, so don't make me get started. The world is your oyster cock suck. Have a great week. Love you. Love you, buddy.

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