The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - The CHURCH: Best of ARI SHAFFIR Vol. 2

Episode Date: June 26, 2023

Best of Ari Shaffir on THE CHURCH:   197 - Aired - 7/22/2014 - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NhJxoz26Oy8&t=1s   #221 - Aired - 10/14/2014 - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mhx8N0ksMyw&t=311s   #249 - Aired - 1/19/2015 - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6w5Nprnldr4   #362 - Aired - 7/13/2016 - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ho-7h1kqZkk   #629.5 - Aired - 10/12/2015 - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-yu-hbdgl4 @arishaffir   @arishaffirsskeptictank6737  This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT!   Go to https://www.onnit.com & Enter PROMO CODE: JOEY, JOINT or CHURCH The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #TheChurch #AriShaffir #LeeSyatt

He was all just a story about getting cancer. And I was sorry, I got about the jokes. And people in the audience were like, no, don't. This is fine. Like this. Yeah, it's like a slower, more like methodical. It's intriguing. It's a pretty.

So Burr once I saw him, like, talking about something on stage, and then he got some people about his childhood. And he was like, yeah, me and John Smith and build whatever, whatever, we're driving down this other guy, Mike, oh, yeah. And he goes like, oh, yeah, Mike. man, I hadn't thought that guy in like 20 years. And he remembers on stage and it's like, oh, it's fucking nice moments. So like that.

It's very interesting to see the person live it. See, you could tell a story. I need to tell a story. But right there where you're telling him about Bill Burr, he got a moment where he lived it. Yeah, exactly. There's that story I told about the Bronx. There was a few minutes on stage. I didn't see an audience.

I can't lie to you I was on a street corner just telling the story like I lost the audience I was having so much fun when you tell a story and listen let me tell you what the best thing about being a comic is when you relieve

the pressure off yourself that they have to laugh sometimes a story the story is funny it becomes funny the story is just funny in the story you'll find the comedy but the best thing for a comic

is when I come to you Ari and go hey listen this 10 minutes you gotta do don't be funny watch what happens to a comedian it changes you yeah and not when they're not so it's our comics

you're not gonna lose the crowd at any moment if you're not funny yes when we're coming listen when you're a comic the first eight or nine years you're striving to be funny yeah the first time I got on a belly room and I did a stupid testicle testament on the belly room.

Oh yeah, I remember that. It was like 99. I did three hours. Three hours? They got them at 8. And I talked to 11 because every time I said, okay, guys, I got to go. They go, no, more. And we drank. And that's the night. You ever hear Rogan talk about, Joey, something happened to you that you weren't very funny? And then all of a sudden you got fucking fun.

That was the night when I realized that you could take the pressure off yourself. there's a certain pressure. We don't know it's there as a comedian until you take it off. Yeah, when you let it go, there's a confidence that comes out, too. When you pull that switch, your life will change, Lee. It's like a tongue in the ass.

It's like a chick that takes her tongue for the first time. You don't even know that's done. A chick usually just sucks your dick and licks your nuts, and then you jerk off, and she giggles, and she gets a towel, but then you meet a dirty fucking whore

who's sucking that fucking helmet, and then it licks your balls and while she's licking your balls, every fucking hair in your body is popped up. And all of a sudden she takes that tongue and just wiggles it in your asshole and keeps jerking you off. You've never had that feeling before in your life. You get dizzy, you get anxiety, you don't know what to do. And then you just fart, come, and it's all over. It's a new experience.

This is the new experience as a comedian. It really, and it's fun to explain, that's why I wanted you to call this morning, Ari, because there's a lot of comics that listen to this, and they're like, We don't know how you become a story tell. This is it. Take the pressure off. Yeah, well, the thing is, everyone's got stories. Everybody tells stories at parties, you know.

At the time you and John fucking, you know, almost got thrown out of whatever, some Fenway or something like that. And it's just like how interesting you tell it. I'm just how interesting you tell it. They tell these stories already. If they get loose, they get natural about it, like you said, and don't want to laugh, then it becomes sort of magical. Is it scary? The first, like, two minutes of it? when you're not getting laughs?

Brutal! Brutal! Brutal! Yeah. Yeah. You're not used to it. Brutal. You're not used to,

you know, that's like 30, 40 seconds you don't get a laugh. You go, I'd better make a funny face or something. Brutal. You have to keep peddling and believing in your material.

You have to keep believing in your story. Just believe in your story. And then, I love getting stoned before I go up there. But not stone-stoned, like retarded stone. So I take away that fear, that little fear that you have.

So once I'm up there, it's like anything else. That first minute is brutal. If you watch any of those things, that first minute for me is brutal. But once I get a little flame, I'm off and running. Once I get a little flame, I'm off and running. And that's where it picks up. Like the fear gets out of the way. I don't give a fuck with you laugh.

Yeah. If it gives you a couple laughs too? A couple laughs. Like, cool, now I'm comfortable. You know, they're just like, If they're giving audience and you get comfortable, like cool, this will be fine. You know, we're not worried about bombing because they're already into it.

Once you tell a story, once you tell that story, and you eliminate the laughter, it takes the feeling of bombing, it makes it less because you control that. Now you learn also that you control your laughter, that you control your audience. That's the other power about storytelling. That once they're not getting laughs and you're controlling them, oh, my God.

Oh, my God. my God, you're Fidel Castro. You're a present. That's a present. Dude, I saw Dice. I thought Dice wants to do this at the O-R-2. And he goes on, it's when he wasn't smoking,

but he was still chewing cigarettes, you know, he was just like putting in his mouth. So he came up, he puts his drink on the, on the, on the stool, and then he takes his, he doesn't say a word, just takes his cigarette pack out, and it taps it on the microphone a little bit.

and he, like, packs him down, and he takes a jacket off, and he picks up his drink from the stool, takes a drink. And he'll make a lot of... He didn't see his one word for about a minute and a half. And then he goes, see, I love these comics. They get up here. They don't get a laugh for this long.

They'd be terrified. They'd be in the corner of shiver. And he goes, me, no, I know how this is going to end. It's so pompous. But he was right. They had him all laughing. And as soon as he wanted to. I was up to him. It was up to him.

You know, it wasn't up to us. How lucky were we to get to see Dice come up every night? You know, I hear these comics and, oh, well, Dice used to bump up for two hours and shit. Let me tell you something. I learned more in those two. It was like going to a college course when you saw Dice perform on Sunday nights and stuff. It really was. Sunday nights, it would be something like him and Rock and fucking and Damon would all come down on a fucking Sunday night.

I was for no money you got in free they got in before nine it was something it was like I can't even yeah I was hosting I was hosting

I was hosting I used to call them and tell them please come down there because fucking somebody's gonna be there on the list and I want to bump them so I would make see listen I would get there at seven and I would host I would host I would hang out for the first show

then the second show I knew Don Barris always wanted to host. So Chooey would come. I borrow a 20 or two. I pick up two packages of Coke. Dice would show up. Chris Rock would show up. I go there.

I'd do my 10 minutes. Bring dice up. I knew dice was going to do 40. I'd go out there until Don Barris, done. You got it from here. And I leave. And they pay me $25 fucking bucks. But I got an education.

I got the biggest fucking education. I remember one Sunday night, Andrew was up there, and he was going off. he was going off and there was these two Chinese guys in the front row and he just fucking

off out of like you chink fucks da da da da ta ta ta ta ta ta ta you don't even know what I'm talking about do you he's talking about kung fu

the TV show and afterward he goes all right don't worry about it and he walks away he goes look at him they're over there smiling they're going to call

their cousins on the phone tomorrow when I eat Chinese food I'm going to shit blood for three weeks these fucking chinks they'll do anything to your fucking food they'll spitting your food and they were laughing they were fucking loving it you know just to see somebody

of you making fun of them and you're dying and you're like I can't wait to be able to do that and then you go up and try it and it works that's what dice was dice was like going to jujitsu class you learn something and then when you spar you went and fucking did it it was amazing what I learned from him Chris Rock

Richard Jenny Damon Williams I learned from you watching you you and Polly actually were the two most two most like yourself on stage and off stage

Paulie You know everybody else is like Yeah you and Pauli He probably grew up You know he was doing it Because he was fucking shit Oh that's right That's right

So yeah It's not like he was good But he was the most like himself You and him Two of you Like you'd be talking to Either one of you back stage And then you go on stage

It's the same exact person There's no like It's the same exact person Because I'm on stage now but I thought to finish my conversation up there. I would watch you, you would look at that list.

You would have to bring up and you would look at the list with the employees or who the next pop-in is and you would fucking a co-pade and you would move your hands open and shut

and shut. It was like five fingers wide open and shut over and over again. Opening and shutting him, opening and shutting him, and you would do whatever your bits are pretending like you were looking at the list to you'd look at the list

for 10 minutes while you were talking. Opening and shutting him. your hand and then do eventually you just go coming up, Jacks. And I'm going to ask me the next person. I'll tell you right now. Those open mics there were the most fun. You know, people have no idea

how much fun an open mic is. Listen, sometimes it's great to go see David Tell. It's great to go see Joe Rogan. It's great to go see Louis C.K. You know. Yeah. But sometimes, guys, you know, you're not doing nothing on a Monday. It's a shitty baseball game. Tuesday night.

Go to your local fucking open Mike. Smoke a joint in the car. Go in, it's always cheap beers. Always cheap, you know. I don't even think they have a two drink minimum on an open mic. You know, you're going on. There's no cover charge. Just go down there and watch a comic in its early developments.

It's no different than what you people are doing in your whatever job you were fucking doing in the beginning. It's just comics, fucking awkward as fuck, you know. But it's the same reason why I've stuck it out with Jiu-Jitsu. I go to Jiu-Tzu every day, Ari, to get beat up. Yesterday, I was in the bottom and half guard the whole fucking day getting beat up.

I couldn't sweep anybody. Finally, I pulled this purple belt, though. You got to give me some fucking sweeps from the bottom. But Ari, I keep going because of comedy. Because I know that someday it's going to come all together. And I'm going to sweep the motherfucker, get on top of him, and get them in an Americana. And it's lights fucking out. You follow me?

It's fucking friend. You know what else I bumped into this guy in Denver? Well, I knew Bubba. Bubba gave me some good fucking weed. But this guy here, Adam Tyree, RevTech, these little vaporize, these new systems, these electronic vaporization. They're like the blue cigarette, but only would refit, neos. Yeah, they're great. You can get refills from dealers all over the place.

These? Yeah. They're awesome. That style of thing anyway. And you just buy the refill from the dealer or dispensary. And does the battery run out? Mentally. Yeah, I guess so.

Maybe it doesn't, though. Maybe it just works on the when you pull. I don't know what I'm talking about. The lights are going on. I would have to imagine the central battery. I would throw it in my face, Lee. I'm sorry. Fucking Lee.

Not Denver was very nice. It was, the food was great. You know, the hotel, the comedy, the people that showed up were just

fucking tremendous. Yeah. I didn't really go into dispensaries. I didn't really get involved. I went just to do it the first time I went, I went just to go to like, you know,

I'm even going to check my card or anything? Yeah. And then it's great now. soon as you just stop in No I didn't go in nothing like that I just wouldn't do what I had to fucking do that's it I wonder if I'm at the airport at some point you would think so You what have dispensers at the airport Yeah

On the way out In Mexico they sold all the pills at the airport No way Yeah That's fucking crazy And whatever the one is in Cabo Mexico was just so crazy Is it not?

My friends had you went down there was some coke on the beach They sell coke right on the beach On the fucking beach They come by find the authentic little outfits and they go, see your chate clam necklace? And you're like, oh, no, it's okay. Oh, these bracelets, all that they go.

Like, no, it's okay. Like, cocaine? No, cocaine? We eat, weed, cocaine. That's fucking good. You're like, all right, man, relax. Get out of here. And it's like non-stop.

They don't stop coming and pestering you. You got to go off. You got to go away. I wonder if you give them 20 bucks how much coke they give you in Mexico. They got to give you like a pound or two. I don't know. But I ask that guy for, What about mushrooms?

You got mushrooms at here? Because the water was so fucking warm. At night, in the middle of the night, it was like, oh, it's great. And he goes, no. But because I was buying weed from them. So I guess he was like on my side. If anybody tells you they have mushrooms, they're lying. We don't get them here.

We've tried. We don't get them here. So, yeah, the cool motherfuckers. Yeah. He was still being honest about it. It was a good guy. Yeah, you get those. Even drunk.

We used on them all. It's hard. He smokes like an entire joint by yourself. It's terrible. Pass out a joint to each person in the circle. So you go to work because it's just going to get you buzzed. You know, it's crazy because this weekend, one of the underlying things I didn't think about

until four or five days before I went to them was I thought about calling my daughter. Just to the back of my mind. Oh, yeah. Is she still there? I have no fucking idea. What happened? Did you call her?

No. Why? I just talked myself out of it, I guess. I wanted to do it and talk about it on the podcast because it's that last, last loose end in my life. How long has it been?

It's probably been 10 years now. I could have had a member if you'd contact you or something. It's all been a it was a misunderstanding. It was an argument. It was a lot of anger involved.

Ten years ago? Yeah, it was like, you know, it was building. It was something that was building for maybe six years. They were playing and they kept playing and I kept getting letters and I would get this shit

in the mail and overnight box it was just horrid it was just a hard thing to go to and i tell you what i went there to work i went to do comedy and i didn't want to call and get into an argument or just i have some weird feelings and they ruined my comedy for these people or paint things right right so i said i'll do it another place another time you know what i reached out years ago and uh two days later the facebook page was gone so obviously where the fuck it is you know so it's time to just move on one part of me wants to move on one part of me wants her to meet mercy mercy and from mercy to meet her whatever but you know right now wasn't the time you know and that's it I really wanted to be back on the show and go guess what I called and this is what happens to tell her she's got a sister now

yeah you know and just uh I just didn't want to call the house sorry I just didn't want to I don't what is it her mom's house yeah you know I have how old is she she's 24 she's not so there is she I have no idea but that's the call I need to make to find all this shit out, guys. You know? Do you think about the time she's 30? She'll get over it? And we both have to get over it.

You know, who knows? What did she say to you last time? It wasn't what she said. It was the position that she had was put into. This is what my beef was, guys. Just so you know, I didn't abandon her or I didn't talk to her. No. I followed up.

I remember booking that Taco Bell commercial. Yeah. And getting like a bunch of money. and go into Boulder and it was like one of the worst experiences in my life I've had better experiences when I had no money

and crashed on somebody's couch Why? What happened? I went, I booked a room at the broker which was at the time was you know, $100 something dollars This is 10, 12, this is 1997 This is when the decline started. It was 97 that summer

It was the slow decline. We were okay for about two years. I left Boulder in June of 80 of 95 and we were okay I was sending letters I was talking turn on the phone I was going back when I did comedy I went to pack up my apartment I saw you know I wasn't seeing her guys for a day I was seeing it for four hours you know it was just brutal but I saw her I put my time and but then once I left guys it's like anything else you know I would call her she'd be sleeping and then they moved to London without me knowing they moved to London

after that that incident in Boulder in 97 that I went and bought a hotel room rent to the car I had to pay somebody 500 bucks and paid their credit card bill to use their credit card. In those days, they would let Lee put his card up for me. Now they won't. Now you have to have a matching card. Lee's driver's license has to match his credit card. In those days, Ari could let me his credit card. So the friend that lent me his credit card only had $1,000 on his card, and he had $800 on there.

So I said, how about I take the 800 off? Would you lend it to me if I paid that bill? So that's how I got to do. So everything cost me a ton of money. And I went to Boulder. She just doesn't want you in the kid's life? In the kid's life. And for three days, she kept telling me, yeah, yeah, yeah, later on.

Then she would say, she doesn't feel good. Oh, this is what's going on. And that was like three days. Like, I couldn't really deal with that. That sent me back in. I went into like this fucking cocaine thing because at that point in my head, it wasn't that the mother was playing with me.

It's like the mother was, what's that when they, you know, poke the fucking bees high. Like, we had already been through 15 rounds. Yeah. And the judge told the next time you don't let him see the daughter, I'm going to get you for contempt to court. And me, I'm not type of guy that I won't call cops on somebody for contempt to court. So I went back to and I called and I said, listen,

I haven't seen the kid in like four fucking months since I see her, you know, five hours a week or ten hours every other week. Let me just see it three days, five hours. Well, she's got school and, you know, there's plans and she has activities and she has dinners with friends and what the hell she's fucking eight. You know, she's seven. What the fuck are you talking about? Yeah. You know, this time, that's what really fucked me up when I went 97.

I just didn't watch this here. No, I just got one of something. been but still you know just hating it's like it was probably 10 years too long that's why the hatred is they hate each other for wasting each other's lives you start getting mad you you go you made me old yeah like you get mad at somebody and then that anger goes away and then you get mad at something else like Jesus Christ I didn't love you for 12 fucking years the last 12 years of our lives you know you didn't even sleep with me for eight of those years I could have been with somebody else now who the fuck wants me now you know what

Who the fuck wants me now? So divorce, the anger and divorce, it's different levels of it. First, there's anger for this, then it turns into something else, then it turns into something else. And that's, you know, right now I'm angry. I was angry because I thought, listen, man, in my mind, I was thinking about this at 4.30 in the morning. I just woke up last night. I was thinking about stupidity.

I was thinking about how the sea of criminal for me was the same sea in county. I've used the C in the word criminal and applied it to the C. in my comedy career. I'm like, you know what I'm saying? No. It's like the hustle that I had as a thief. Oh, okay. I've applied it to the comedy thing,

like my hustle. And it's, uh, what was I talking? I was saying someone. But why you were a man? What was I'm doing? Like your daughter and your wife? I'm divorced. And it was, I know for a fact, like with me.

Right now, I'm not mad at her for, I'm mad at her right now for cutting my legs off. 20 years later, that's what my anger is. You know, I'm going to tell you the truth? That's what it is. She cut my legs off. The mom. The mom.

You know, when somebody came up to John Gotti and said, hey, man, we have a rat, and they told him it was Sammy the Bull, Gavano. He always fucking knew it. This is the way his end was going to come. He knew it. Sammy the Bull. No, Gotti. What killed him was, it was Sammy the Bull who rat on him. Out of all the different situations, when somebody close to you, cut your legs off.

You know, somebody was reminding me. He died in jail. Somebody reminded me the other day about Dane Cook, that his brother robbed him, $7 million, whether it's a stepbrother or a brother. Besides the money, after a while, you're not mad at the $7 million. You're mad at the person who took it from you. How did this happen? Why did this happen?

So for years, you're mad at why did this happen? Then you get mad at how did this happen? You know, well, Lee gave me your numbers to the fucking thing. So now should I be mad at fucking Lee too, for giving him the fucking... You know, I'm just saying, Lee. No, no, but do you think, like, if you sat her down your wife or, like, someone else didn't, and, like, why are you mad? Do you think she even know? Like, it seems like at the point where you're just, you know you're supposed to be angry.

I know, she's probably very upset also. I don't know. Since we come from two different fucking different planets, I don't know how her anger was. So much rage in there for, like, what? You don't even know each other anymore. It's been a lifetime since you've talked to her. I'm still, I still don't know how I'd react if she came into a room and you sad as down. I saw Travis Nawazzo down there.

He owns a T-shirt company. He's friends with that. He dates a friend of mine. Who? Travis. He went Saturday to this thing, which was the world, whatever, jiu-jitsu tournament, which is a league. And then Sunday he was going to go-court to do another tournament in the morning.

And he got armed at the tournament I was at. He just likes competing? Yeah, but he took a goal yesterday in two categories. So that's the life. We bomb. We do good. It's all for you got. Go up again.

Yeah, you just keep rolling. So it was very interesting to see that I learned that. You know, obviously at this age, I can't do a tournament every fucking week and prepare for a tournament. I die. You know, I go to just once, twice a week. I walk around sore for three fucking days. But it's very interesting. Listen, guys, I said I was, every time I went by and exit, I wanted to make a U-turn.

Why? Because it was bumper and bumping. What's it take to get the fucking herb on a good day? Forty-five. Forty-five, yeah. It took me two hours. No. On a weekend?

On a weekend? On a Saturday. Well, the five guys. You got Walt Disney. You got something whatever farms. You got San Diego. You know, you got people going places. Viva Libre.

What's up with you, Negro? Talk to me. So you got the special premiere last week. What did Viva Libre I mean? Viva Libre live fucking freely. Oh. So you're special aired last weekend. Special aired on Friday.

Yeah, thanks. I got a tape. I watched the first 10 minutes of the babies for the crying. Well, that's why I do the babies. I make him cry. That's why comedy's good for it. So now Thursday night you have storytell's coming on. Yeah, it's not happening.

K&P. Key. No, yeah, Key. It's doing it probably in me. It looks pretty funny. Yeah, he told a good story about a cracket. About a cracket. So it's, you know, whatever I read about this, this is not happening.

Yeah. The big push they say is how you started this from Ground Zero. Ground Zero. They went online and then they got the television, something that really doesn't happen in this town that much. Well, it was a shit. at the improv. The show, the side room of the improv.

At the side room with no alcohol. 40-seat side room. No alcohol. We didn't even allow to bring it in. Before I even met you, Joey, the first show I ever saw in L.A. was your show with a job stories and Canane went up. Was it in the room? Yeah.

That was the first show I'd ever seen in. In L.A. It was five bucks, yeah. Five bucks. Experimental. Try some shit. I'm trying to break the bank. Try some shit.

The comics, you know, I don't feel like you have to. Yeah. We did it in that side room. Twelve people were there. You were all not. out. You were on the first one. Me, Marin. You, Marin. Steve Aggie? Uh-huh. Who else?

Dylan Brody. Wow. He's like a storyteller. And Dan Medonia. Eddie Brill's illegitimate son. It was on the first one. Wow. And now, look what it's become. Yeah. Now it's going to grow.

Once it hits TV, it's going to be like a rap battle type. Medonia did one about, it was all psychedelic stories. He did one about chasing his friend, Benji outside on Fountain at fucking 1 p.m. naked, running, trying to find Benji, get. arrested on mushrooms, naked and arrested while you're on mushrooms. Then that Brody guy talked about peyote and how these Indians gave him fucking peyote when he was 14 at Indian Sleepboy Camp. They're like, it's time, let's go. And then you talked about that concert.

Was it a Zepunket Pink Floyd concert? Is that the one that got filmed? And the trip to it. Yeah. Yeah. That was the first one. It got filmed in two parts. I didn't know how to make a YouTube video.

It's one of the shittiest fucking YouTube videos of all time. But people liked it, though, and they saw it. The Pop-Off. That's what you first talked about, Pop-Ovv vodka. Pop-Ov vodka. And then A.G. talked about getting laced at Grateful Dead. And Maron talked about taking some shrooms or some ass. They were Grateful Dead.

Amazing. That's how I fucking started. Did you guys have any idea when you were starting the show of maybe getting it on TV or you just wanted to do a show? We just wanted to do one good show. We didn't even want to get it going again. but everyone had such a good time. It was so fun and cool. 12 people were in the audience. It was it.

Bella Donna was there with her husband. She was one of the two of the 12. His porn star family. Yeah, it was fun of shit. And then Eric, Abrams. He's like, dude, let's do that again. So we did it again. There was something out from other topic.

Yeah, it was five years ago. I still had the poster that Kevin Christie made, the sweet, fucking giant, like size of that thing. hand-painted psychedelia and these crazy fonts Save it, fuck that Of course I'll save it. It says Joey Diasse Evagy

Dylan Brody Arce fear. I shouldn't break the bank. Yeah, exactly. There's only two. I got one and what's his name's got one? Aeros got one. Yeah, that was cool. That was fun, man. We were there from the beginning. That's cool. Yeah, and then later they were like, let's do a web series.

We tried to pitch it to a show a few times like a couple years in, but they were like, maybe with some other host. Last week on the Rogan podcast we spoke about when we first started going out with them together. How people hated us.

Oh, it hated us. Why you bring these losers? Hated, but the main spokesman was not half a bag. Here we go. San Francisco. I was just there. I fucking hated that guy. Everybody hated him.

I had heard about that. He was a dick for years. And all he do is talk shit about us. Oh, he didn't. He talked shit to the wrong guy. Oh, Rogan's going to bring his losers again. He talked shit. to two people that came, turned right around and went back to me. So I always knew, so every time

these people talk shit to your friends and expect you not to tell you. Is this still the bucker up there? The booker up there? He's not a booker up there. Boy, he's fine. Okay. Huckler's there.

And he, we went out. And every time, and it was funny because the last time I saw him, he pulled me aside and he goes, hey, I might get you this gig. And I remember thinking, look at this fucking guy coming around. Yeah.

He goes, there's a show, and I really want to get you on it. But Shuripa doesn't want you on it. but I've been pulling for you like a motherfucker, you know. Like it easy to me Ripper wants you and it doesn't. It's so,

and it's such a feeling that guy must feel bad now. There's so many people that got to feel fucking bad. There's still a lot of people who fucking hate me. I hate them just as bad. Like the other night,

I know what, people go, all right, I guess, but you know what? I don't even think they think they think about it. I just think they go,

oh, cool, that guy's doing great. And they don't even remember how much they fucking said you were going nowhere. No, they remember. There's certain people

that I fuck with them. now. If I see, listen, the greatest thing Madonna ever did was about eight years ago. Madonna? Madonna had a raffle and a thing of all her rejection letters.

Oh, really? And they said people were running for fucking cover. That bitch saved every rejection letter. All these people, all these fucking guffins. You'll never be anything. Your voice is horrible.

Where do you think you are? Saved her rejection letters. She saved her rejection letters. And not even until she recorded her first album. Even after. After that, she was a superstar for 25 years. She still saved them. You guys were both too young to remember 1985, 30 years ago.

No, no. Right now, Madonna had this country. Like, it was her and Michael. Like, she was telling him. I remember everything. The gloves, I was 11. Yeah. The gloves everywhere, the stocking gloves, whatever they're called.

Although everybody dressed like a virgin. Everybody. Every chick had gloves, glasses, the blonde. And then she switched it up with Vogue and all that shit. And you're like, wow, she was massive. Her book, when I was in Israel, her book came out of like sex pictures. Yeah, 91. 92.

Yeah. She put the, this is what this bitch did for here. She put the book out with the pictures of her naked. She made Rodman look good. Yeah, she took the, she made the Pepsi video, and she got five for putting the black Jesus. Oh, yeah. Life is a big. Oh, yeah.

And then her thing was one of the first things to get banned and go massive. Massive. She sold so many actual copies. All she knew. VHS copies of that video. She knew she was going to fuck with. They wouldn't put on TV so fine. I'll sell my own and be a millionaire off it.

She's fucked. She did all. And then you'll play it. You'll play it eventually. Justify my love. Justify my love. Yes, she was getting fucked by like a Jesus statue. Yeah, put the beginning of much, Justify My Love.

And they all agreed. They were all down at the same fucking people that are down there. Whatever's been down in Arizona. And I had to go up in front of them. But it's the weirdest thing because they try to put the Malook on me. They put the Maloika on me. The Maloik. So fucking done.

What do they do? They just stabbed me down. Oh, really? Oh, so then you get work, because you know they don't like you. Yeah. So then you're like, I'm supposed to form in this environment?

Yeah, you know. You just know. The other night, it's like when I went to that place for you the other night, I felt the heat from people. What place? Oh, that comedy. There were just too many people

who didn't like me there. It was just too many that was an assortment. They were like, what's this? What the fuck is this shit? There were a lot of people that did like you. No. When they showed that preview video, you're the only one that got claps,

you and Miss Pat. Let me tell you. Like audible claps. I wanted to tell the darkest story. You should have. Fuck those people. You should have. That's the show.

No, no. Say whatever you want. Those people were not going to handle me hitting somebody with a bat. His eyes were all, and we thought we killed them. That was great. They did it. You got to it eventually. They loved it.

And it's funny because I have not seen a picture of Didi, the kid who had an hepatitis seat. But he didn't really have hepatitis. He's got HIV. Oh, no. That's way worse than hepatitis. Yeah. I don't even know what hepatitis does. I know what HIV does

My other buddy who died had hepatitis C from shooting steroids You die from hepatitis C? You could die Isn't that pre-HV? Yes Well, I don't know

I'm sorry No, I'm so sorry There's two epititis B Yeah, it's two hepatitis There's two hepatitis I think They could be a car I don't know

I had a friend Who had the really bad one The one that you can't drink alcohol You can't do a thousand things Ever again? Yeah but he did Whatever the fuck he wanted to He was like borderline

fucking, we'd have to go through the thing with your blood every week. And he hooked me up from head to toe with equipment, goggles, gloves, gloves, T-shirts, jackets. He was brilliant, man. This was my brother next door. And he goes, just go out that way and walk. He goes, you know how to do this. You've seen the films at my house, you know.

And I fucking walked. It took me an hour to walk from Sport Kalin to the first lift. It was embarrassing. What? How far was it? During his feet. I never skied like that before. I got on the thing.

It took me to the top of the mountain, and I just tried my best, Doug. You know what? I got it. At first, I was going down that mountain, but I couldn't stop. I couldn't stop.

People pulled me over and taught me how to snow plow, how to stop and shit. But I started with like 185s. They put me out of 185s at first. Now that doesn't even exist. And I went all the way up to 210s, 205, something really fucking weird. I could ski Ari Shafir in those days.

And I got hooked right away. And there were these guys in the building that said, listen, we work. Wait, what are two tens and 205s? What does that mean? I don't even know what that is. That's the ski length? The length. The length of the skis.

Oh. Right. So there were these dudes from Mankato, Minnesota, that lived in the building. And they said, listen, we'll teach you how to ski. We're all fucking pro skiers. Let's go. And they would take me in the mornings, like at seven in the fucking morning. And just take me and teach me the thing and little moves.

And I would ski with them. And I forget all the different colors and shit. But they had me from the beginning thing to the intermediate thing in like a week and a half. Like they fucking, yeah. And they would trick me. They would take me into those things with the high moguls that I couldn't do in the beginning.

Moguls suck. They suck. That's what fucks up your knees. Yeah. That's what fucks up. You see people in the pros and they go, what's it, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Look what you're doing?

What are you doing? Oh, my game right there. I could go in that medium one. It takes me an hour to get down on those moguls. I picked four or five of those medium ones that I likely. Yeah. And I would hit a beginner one from time to time just to try shit. And Lee, I would get up there as soon as that mountain opened.

And I would ski until 11 missed command. At the time, I worked at Commando Video. Yeah. And I would fucking take my skis. fucking stashing my house and drive down to command the video and work and that's what i did four days a week man i loved everything about fucking skiing i didn't like all the drama that people i was a fucking dude i went up there with jeans skis long underwear you know a belt long underwear top a t-shirt over that a jacket with a hood with goggles and a throat thing so my throat

wouldn't get cold that's how i skied I saw people who drop hundreds of thousands in clothing for all that drama. Get the fuck. Once you ski two times, you ain't cold. You ain't fucking cold. Your legs aren't cold? Fuck no. If you ski two times, even with jeans, even with jeans with long underwear on, thin long underwear.

If you take two fucking runs, after those two runs, your body is so fucking warmed up, steams coming out of it. You'll be begging to take your fucking clothes off. Trust me what I'm telling you. because once that sun comes out in Colorado, you're up, you know, whatever it is, 1,300 more feet, 13,000 more feet. Once that sun comes out, it hits you, bro.

When I was skiing and lifting weights, I was in some of the best shape I was ever in. What if you fell? I would get up. The following isn't that bad, usually. I would get up. Knock on wood, I never fell and broke my leg like fucking, you know, a rabious here.

But he went up there cold. He hadn't skied in a while, and he got cocky. That's not true. I had skied like two weekends before. No, it's not going to work. What do you mean? That's not going to work. That's a perfect answer for what you said. I am 42 years old.

No. We just did it. I did three days two weeks earlier. 42. You're not 28. But I wasn't doing anything that crazy. We forget. It was a little fall.

I know. Yeah, yeah, a little fall. You're walking around my fucking water my germs. Yeah. A little fall. Yeah, I had a little fall. And if you were smart, we'd be in the bed right now in the hospital. collecting a couple fucking six-figures

cucks like that. I'd be suiting the mountain and shit, the whole thing. Half the mountain would have been mine at this point. Damn it. I would have been in the Colorado hospital right now eating pot cookies. I'm thinking about it with prescriptions and shit. When did they take the cast on?

As a run as you said, the first time we're up in Colorado doing it and I was going right into the woods. All right, all right, all right. First run. It's the first run. Just wait a minute, right? You should wait a minute. You should wait a minute. It's like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You went for it And listen, man

You get so... I didn't know It was after lunch When are you going to do it? Do you only get two days? You'll get two days after lunch the first day That's the right time to do it Okay, so I stand by my decisions

You take a little beginner run first Yeah, I did that to get to where To warm up Yeah You take a little medium run Yeah And you do another medium run And then

You call it a day What? Because you're 42 and you have shit to do you go back, you take a nice hot shower, you take some of leave, listen to it.

Yeah, yeah. You take a little leave, you get a nice fucking steak, stomach your style. After three, four runs, you're out of oxygen. Your legs get all fucking acidic. You know, you can't move them.

They feel heavy. It's your first day there. You don't want to burn out. Autopilot. Sony were like two to three to four runs. You're silent like a motherfucker. You get oxygen depravity. It makes you,

makes all the muscles burn in the same ratio, and then you end up being able to last out longer. Really? No shit. Yeah, that's if you're there for six weeks and you're acclimated. Yeah. Not when you just stroll into town,

like, don't kiss a beach. And you go up there and look at your fucking, you know, like fucking hop alone because of each. Now you're fucking walking around with stilts. You're the first Jew and stilte, they ain't suing. You don't even know who to sue. You don't even know who the store.

I would have stayed on that hill. I would have stayed on that hill. I'm Jewish with my leg up, yelling and screaming, absurdity. I belong to Dich. How long did they take them to get you down the hill after that? It took me like two hours. How embarrassing is that?

I didn't ask him to take me down. I just skied down. Broken ankle. Okay, and then what? Why didn't you ask for them to take you down? I didn't know it was broken. And then when you got back to the bottom, did you drive yourself to the hospital?

No, took off my skis, walked to the fucking rental place. Walk down the stairs. People were behind me. Not one person helped. Not one person helped. Some struggling down the steps.

Some fucking foreigner came up and said, excuse me, you look like you're in trouble. Do you need some help? I'm like, yeah, that'd be great. And I got my boot off, and then I walked around for a couple days. Swelling went up, and swelling went down. And then bruising started. I was in Vancouver.

So four days later, five days later. And you flew? No, and then I went. Then I saw the hospital next to the Vancouver comedy mix. So I went there. Sat next to fucking drug addicts. Would you have gone to the hospital if it wasn't right next to the comedy club? Probably not.

Almost definitely not. Almost definitely not. But it was getting out of control, and I did. That might have actually even why I went, because I was like, it's not going to get more convenient than this. I'm on the road with nothing to do. I may as well just go now. That's terrible, Ari.

That's fucking terrible. Yeah, broken. Broken. I was walking around five days. God would have known. God would have known, you know, when... Bored didn't even that bad. You flew from fucking Colorado or Vancouver.

So that means you could have got a blood clot in the air. You're a lucky dude, man. It happened after Vancouver. After Whistler. So you broke it where? You broke it where? And Whistler. Oh, so you went all the way to Canada to break your leg.

Who's a fucking genius here? You went all the way to Whistler, break. I thought you broke in Colorado. No, I did Colorado with no problems. That was easy in, easy out. Great time. Good runs. You ski there. Fucking awesome. Yeah. How many days?

Three days. How many runs a day? All of them. All of them. No, you get more than that. I like the back bowls and shit. Come on. Yeah. You can just... You ski, how many fucking run?

Yeah, probably like 10, 10 or 12? Look at you. Because you just get back there for a long time. Especially if you get back to first. You get a couple runs before anybody even gets some. in the line. It's a weekday. Yeah, you get a bunch. Smoke right on the lift.

Try to get that only you, you know? No, you got to get with people. No, only you. Then you can light up. How are you going to get people? Listen to me. The most interesting times I've ever had. Oh. Have been in those days. You know, I have a couple vivid fucking memories of that ski and stuff. Like a lot of this shit, I remember one time taking out a line of people.

my first the second day of skiing I thought I had that plow down to stop and there was maybe 20 people I took like 14 of them down oh my god I was never so embarrassed

okay that's one tremendous another fucking tremendous was waking up with a hangover how long you know me like I never have a hangover no I never have a hangover not even drugs

at that time I wasn't doing coke I was on a strict rea alcohol only but did you tell me weird this happened What do you mean weird Like the only little sound Go off or no Okay great

I didn't hear that either Good to know Wow No Back to the show Are you hearing things Yeah apparently What'd you hear

It was like Whoosh It's like something pop Maybe a speedy to mom Oh anyway so I'm fucking on and I'm fucking on over to the gills

and I get on one of those gondas you know two looking at here two looking at two and two so there's two guys looking at you and two fucking looking at them you know what I'm saying and whatever a fucking gondola and it's three dudes

so I get in there I put my skis I sit down at first they're very how are you and I can see they're stressing out they're kind of like You know, someone doctor takes out, I didn't know he was a doctor yet,

one of the guys takes out of a fucking joint. He goes, do you mind? And I go, no, not really. And I took one of mine. And he's like, come on, I'm the number. Let's do this. And he goes, we got like 13 minutes to get to the doctor. We started smoking.

On the gondola? Whatever the fuck it was, gondola. Yeah, hotbox. On whatever. And we smoked them, smoked them. And that's when I asked them what they did. They were doctors. They were visiting.

They only smoked when they went out of town. They were lit. What? They were lit. Even then, I was getting some shit from the Willie Creek Tavern with that dude on the, my main man, Cato was picking up a bag a couple days a week. And that's one of my most vivid memories getting off the gondola with them. And how fucking stone they were.

And, like, seeing them, like, two hours later in that little hut in the middle, eating cheeseburgers and fries and drinking and fucking, like, buying me fucking. lunch. Like, get them lunch on us, you know? Did you take

a couple runs sober? What's that? Would you take a couple run sober first? Because I don't like driving high.

Once I went skiing high would be fucking. Once I went skiing maybe four times if you want me to lie to you, I'll lie to you. Once I went skiing four times,

I figured out, A, I didn't want a walkman, I wanted to hear nature. Yeah, I don't like to walkman. The idea of the walkman, no, no.

Garbage, garbage, garbage. Yeah, I want to hear people around me. Garbage. Agreed. Totally garbage. I agree.

I didn't like music when I skied. Yeah. I agreed that I wanted my hat, my head covered. But I also agreed on one thing that I was getting stoned to the fucking gills. Before you even got on the first lift? Please. I would love to say a word before that way before I got on the first. I took one or two lift.

Let's get down to basics. Yeah. And then when you find a place, then you go. Let's get down the fucking basics. Second, third. When I lived at Creekside, D-12, that whole building was skiers. On the drive up, because they had a scam.

What they did was they, in the winters, they drove the bus back and forth for people who went whitewater rafting. And in the winters, they all had jobs at different mountains, so they could all ski at different mountains. It was a scam. These guys were running. They were beautiful.

They were beautiful. They were you and, 18. It was, listen, I wish I was lying to you guys. It was 37 guys from the same neighborhood, all around the same ages. Some guys that went to college, it didn't work out. They were a little confused. They didn't know what to do with their lives. They all picked up and they got two apartments in the same building. And they slept everywhere. And that's all they did. It was work in the kitchen industry or whatever was there at night. And skiing the day. And skiing the daytime and I admire that today I remember those guys cool I don't remember their names I

remember one guy Todd Bachman keels was the girl I don't remember the two boyfriends there was but I think about them so much because they would force me to go up there and they're the ones that taught me that those first 10 day in and out to where the ski where you get high in those days where you couldn't get high they were sure of her. And Lisa, sorry, we're late, but that's what happens, you know what I'm saying? It's Sunday night. You got no work tomorrow unless you're a part-time fucking slave.

It's Columbus Day. Everybody got the day off. You know what I'm saying? Even black people. Everybody got the fucking day off tomorrow. Does that mean I have the day off tomorrow? You have the day off tomorrow. What do you mean the day they bury the devil at sea?

That's the day the devil and marry the devil at sea. What is that? Is that Osama bin Laden or is that somebody else? No. No. That's just just us talking here. So, yeah, if you guys want to be on our level, like, take acid and, like, pause this for half an hour. What's going on, Doug?

Nothing. Eddie Broad was in the house, freshman fucking jumping jacks and putting videos up and having been a bow on motherfuckers and shit. Going viral on the line. They don't know that you still got it. They think you're over here getting weak in the fucking bush or something like that. They don't know that you're over here getting stronger by the fucking day out of

it. They're just learning the rubber god. You've taken it up to three fucking levels since then. You know what I'm saying? What's up, Ari Sharfair? How are you, man? What's up, buddy? I just finished all that stuff. I'm done with work for a while.

Going Australia? What's in Australia? How many weeks? Three weeks? And comedy? Yeah. How many shows? Seven?

All right, that's not bad. Yeah. And the rest of the time, just gonna look at kangaroos and walk around. I don't know. Go hang out, do some shit. Absolutely. I don't know. Yeah, go look at some kangaroos.

Challenge one. Learn my 10th Planet White Guard. What, how long is the flight? Frankie Barker is down. down there waiting for you. Where's Frankie Barker? Melbourne. Are you Melbourne at all? Yeah, that's the first place I go to. You gotta stop by Frankie Barker's house. They'll feed you. They cook Italian food and shit. No leg locks. We'll get a hold of Frank.

And one online. Now you have to season four and shit. Yeah, two online. Two with the TV. Yeah. Yeah. It was great. It went so good. It went so good. You were great. Felipe was great. Henry Rollins. Henry Rollins. Great. Who else did you say Wednesday night? Brewer. Brewer. Brewer. Brewer. Ron White. Yeah. That's her. That's her. Good little fucking line of. Simone was on there.

Simone did it. So Steve Simone broke his cherry. Yeah, magical. That bad motherfucker, Steve Samoa. Oh, Nick Swanson. Nick Swanson. Fucked up to the gills with shorts on. Yeah, that's right shorts.

I love it. What does he wear? I don't care. It's whatever he wants. Artie Lang was a free jacket he got from like. It was like the NFC playoffs. From like 97. Yeah, that he wore on the night before.

It's just like, it's just his jacket that he wears around. It's like, yeah, whatever. Fine. Come on, relax. It's fun. It's pretty fun to go up there and tell a story sometimes. It's kind of liberating, especially when you've held it in for years.

Yeah. You know, I don't want to give the plots to a lot of the stories, like R.D. story. All those stories are fucking great stories that you all... Yeah. You don't know who the fuck you're going to tell. Who are you going to tell? Yeah.

Who are you going to fucking tell craziness? I was on the phone with Rogan the other day talking about coke and shit. And I was talking about when I used to put fucking pool cleaner on my dick. What? When I was in the halfway house, I'd snore coke. Why? Because I'd snore coke Friday and Saturday, and I wasn't going to beat the test. So I'm uncircumcised.

So I'd take pool cleaner, and I put it on the inside of my dick, and I'd fucking put the skin over it. And then when I go pee, I'd pull the skin back, and the pool cleaner were going to the fucking piss test, and I'd still come back positive. Like, who do you tell this to? That's going to say, Joey. What?

You can't tell that to a therapist. Don't dial 911 on you, though. I remember doing something to my dick one time, putting something on my dick. I don't know if it's pool cleaner or like that shit you unclogged a drain with. Drain-o? Drain-o. And I'll never forget. I was working construction, Eddie, and it was hot out.

And I went into one of those plastic bathrooms, you know, those things that you piss out. I poured a potty. And I took my dick out, and it was just blistered. Like it was one big blister. Like, it could bail out. It was pissing on it like three holes. I swear to... Can you put Drano on it?

I put Drano. That's what I would do to pass a fucking urine test. What's it look like now? Huh? Is it back to normal? I don't know. I'll let you sniff it later.

You tell me, Cox, second. Oh, my God. What's up, buddy, Bravo? Look at you. He's fucking... He just throws a giggle and goes right back. What's happening? Just hanging out.

All right? Happy you hear. So people? know that what you guys did? Yeah, that we did else it. What the fuck? We're over here. Wait, we got to eat another little piece.

My friends asked me, Taylor asked me, he's like, wait, why do I have to do that? I don't know, because Joey said you have to do it. I didn't say we had to do it. Oh, come on. At least admit that you make people do it. I don't make nobody do it. Nobody's got a gun to their fucking head. I said, Ari.

It was right. I didn't do it. There's nothing. I go, let's do it. I just said nothing. What the fuck? It's just said nothing. You guys feeling it now or what?

It's gotten to. It took a little water. last time. I took it a Billy Joel at Bonneroo. I don't know. We're going to find out if we run the fuck out of here. There might come a point where I can't take it. I just run the fuck out of here. It was a point in my living room Monday night, Tuesday night.

Yeah, I was pretty fucked up. Really? Oh, I was pretty fucked up. You're ready to call it? No, I've never been able to, never been able to be ready to call tap out. Never, ever, ever. Isaac, Bryce. When I was about 17, I'd go back to the house where I live at the Benders.

and I go to the back and I take my shirt off and I'd be on fire from the acid There's a point like the third or the fourth hour Where you're seeing shit Whether you've got the lights on or not You go to pee and your piss is pale Everything is tripping what you'd be like I'm coming down off this shit

Nothing's happening What? That's what happens And then you walk into the living room and it's dark And you start seeing fucking shadows And you're tripping your ass off And I would put on like Black Sabbath Volume 4 with earphones in the dark and just sit there at least I had

for fucking the both sides like a soldier on 8 track I'm taking it back to the 8 track anybody. He's had mad visuals like you were in some. Oh my god fucking crazy some nights we'd sit outside and just look into the New York City sky

and like just sit outside man look at that fucking look and I remember the best night I ever had as a youngster one of the first times I tripped we went to the to the soccer field That's what we used to hang out. It's called Shitsen Park.

It's a German banquet area, but they have a soccer field. And they used to have sheep metal. We used to go up there and party. I swear to God, we brought Louis de Nigger with us. Louis Hernandez was not black nor anything. He was Dominican, but he had an Afro. And we all split a little piece of ass, and we started tripping on the club. So all of a sudden, what we realized was if he let us blow smoke into his Afro,

the smoke would go into his Afro for like two minutes, then it would come out slowly. And we'd be tripping. We'd be, oh, look at that. Look at that. Look, I swear to God. That's how fucked up we were back to us. I love Louis Hernandez.

He's a psychiatrist today. He really is. North Bergen, I think, yeah. We called him up to talk to him about it. No, I saw him about 15 years ago at a deli, and we spoke for a little while. He's a really good kid. Wow. So, wait, I have a question.

Go ahead. We've only done mushrooms, like, a little bit. Is this the same as mushrooms? Like, do you start, like, the stuff start moving? No, it's different. See, I grew up on. the acid in Jersey. Really?

Not to Colorado was when I started eating shrooms. I didn't really like it because they gave me diarrhea. All right. So I didn't like it. So I never really did anything ever again. And then I ate it one time and I ate it with you. I went to see Pink Floyd and they were Fugase. We went back to my house and watched the domino. Yeah.

No, it got a little heavy in the middle there. Did it get heavy for you in the middle? Yeah. At the pantry. At the pantry. Okay. But you're looking a little fucked up right now, you know? I can't find my centered place. You're looking like something

You're looking like something It's now Look at you sit down So Lee you've never done it before I've done it twice now Okay All the past a week and a half But yeah

It's fun It's just We did it two weeks ago When I went to New York I went to the stand Right Yeah he went to the stand And some comic came up

And he's like man I love you The debt You want some acid I go you got something He opened up his wall He had 100 hits He had a sheet of Ben Franklin What

So I said let me get to him He goes take one and give the other one to leave. That's exactly what I did. And then we ate that, and then I went to Toledo, and some other nice gentleman came up to take these. What were those?

These, and he goes, I'm on five of them. Oh, my God. He was on fucking five of them. So I ate one of them, and I was like, oh, my God, if he ate fucking five of them, that guy's got, he's got my tolerance for this shit. Wow. Because I could eat five of these back in 82, not now.

Yeah. It was weird, because the first time it didn't really have that much of an effect. It was kind of goofy, but this last time was... Same stuff. No, no, no, no, different stuff. What was the difference? I had a lot more energy. It was weird.

Did you want to close your eyes, or did you want to... No, like, I fucking pulled... You know, like, the wire they run coaxial cable when they put in cable? Oh. I pulled it out of the wall. What? Because I don't have cable anymore. It was dangling.

It was bothering me. I got really amped up for some reason. He started cleaning his apartment. I cleaned my entire apartment the next day. He played fucking Maple. He made what's the name? Maypam Hazel, whatever, fucking name. What's wrong with you, Eddie, bro?

Were you a death mute all of or something? What happened? No, I'm enjoying the conversation. I can't believe I'm sitting here with three dudes who are ripping. What? Well, we haven't started yet. It's going to start pretty soon. I know.

I'm looking forward to it, all three of you. What's not going to be like? I might have to take over the show. I'm here for the remainder. I'm here until 2, 3 a.m. We're going to start taking calls, everything. Whatever. You take calls, really?

We'll take them. What the fuck? with tripping, they might want to talk to Ari about something. But you told me I was going to be up to like 8 in the morning, so like, you know. You might be. I'm probably not going to make my comedy store spot. When, tonight? No, you're in no day.

You might as well call him now and say it ain't happened. Uncle Joey gave me a hit of his fucking debt. No, but it, like, it pumps you up, doesn't it? Well, it's got rat poison in it. So it just fucking lifts your spirits. You know what I'm saying? I have a rat, why it's a shit, right? Is it really not poison?

Yeah, strictine. What? Read the label. Read the label on acid. God, I tell you, read the label. I'll give you a piece right now. I'll give you $5. I'll give you $5.00.

You can find stricknine on there. Oh, my God. It's going to get ugly in here. You do know that, right? It's going to get fucking ugly in here. I'm going to have to go outside and get some men. My palms are sweaty and shit. Palm spaghetti.

Oh, my fucking goodness. But tremendous. We're all here. together. When was the first time you guys did acid? Yeah, how old were you are, you are you? Um, I don't know. I think, I think with you.

No, that's a fucking thing. You know what I can't do acid with y'allel. Do you have like a fetish for taking young Jewish men to, like, do... No. That might be what it was. No, it wasn't. For acid. When was the first time you did that? Never. I've done acid, maybe, I don't know, twice,

but small doses. So I just... just barely had a little visuals, like the walls that breathe a little bit and shit like that. It wasn't intense at all. But I've done mushrooms before in large quantities and totally had a tremendous experience. Where you going, Doug? You got over it? I don't know, you brought a car with you. Yeah, but I'll just leave that there.

I liked it. I always like tripping. I always tripping, I really liked. It didn't scare you the first time? Did you know what's going to happen? No. I fucking click my heels and it happened.

Yeah, I fucking knew. I didn't know what was going to happen. No, I didn't know. I didn't know at that time, but at that time I didn't really care about that point. Because I was trying to text and all the letters started like floating away. Oh, fuck yeah. But I knew that could happen, so I was okay.

Sure, that's what you're supposed to fucking happen. You're supposed to see shit move. That's the whole thing. It's taking you from one place to another. Oh, my God. The only thing that takes you like this, your mind is like this is like solitary confinement. Like, if I confine you for nine days with just food,

No fucking talking. Guess where your mind goes. Your mind goes in weird places, man. Your mind goes somewhere. It's never been before. It's like fucking ass it. That's why I love this shit. It takes shit deep into the murky waters of the underworld.

You ever listen to music on acid? You can just hear the symbols playing. Tremendous. This is what they invented this shit for. Like I was telling you fucking guys the other day, look, if right now Eddie Brab was to pick up a T-shirt, a rash guard, right now, and I took a picture of you, and we put a million retweets on Instagram with Joe Rogan,

you'd sell 10% of that, right? It's a recommendation of a rash guard, correct? When I was growing up, the recommendation of asset I have was I heard Led Zeppelin did it. Really? Me Page did it, and I heard it like other people did it. It wasn't all that bad, right? They're making great fucking music, they're rock stars.

If they use this to write, what can we do with it? I swear to God, that was my, that was the reason why I did acid the first time. I didn't do it because other kids were doing it. I thought about it. I knew the Reefer. And the music was too strong for me. When I first got high and heard music, it took it to a different level.

I always enjoyed music. But the music on the reefer is something completely fucking different. So you went from reefer to acid? So, no. We did a couple little THC crystals, which is like fucking gorilla biscuits. It's whatever the fuck you call that shit. Angel dust. We would do angel dust, like a line to $10 for a package.

Three of us would get high. That doesn't make you trip, but it makes you gumby-ish. You can't really feel your body. You just feel like you're fucking floating. We would take it and go into New York City as kids, Ari, and walk around. That's a lot of stimulation for your mind. And then the next level was Microdot Acid. I think the first time I did acid was in a Rolling Stone concert, though.

Really? Just like that. And it was in my eyeballs, that shit. When it was real fucking acid, though. Wait, they drift it in your eyeballs? Two hits, one in each eye. What do you mean they dripped in your eyeballs? And a little bit of the sugar cube.

Wait, what? Bam! What, Jesus. It's all over, Ariasurable. Like Vizene, you mean? Like Vizene, night and night. What if you get, sometimes you put Vizene, you want to put like two drops, but you put like five?

You go from broke. I guess one eye's going to see more than the other, you know what I'm saying? Look, you're sitting there like fucking taxi drive. I don't know what the fuck you're going to do. They're going to whip out a piece. What's the last time you saw a taxi driving? It's been a while. I had to show the guy for my haircut.

What's that? I had a haircut. He wouldn't do it. Show on the last scene of taxi driver. See, if it's in this is the most radical fucking one, he goes bananas. Whatever is it. Oh, that's a great scene, yeah. Sure. This is on the big thing?

Oh, we don't fuck around here on the church. I thought he fucked around. No, no, no. Oh, because I've been hearing around that you've been fucking around. No, you want to eat this other piece? No. I'm going to split three ways. That he probably.

What do you want to put it in? No, no, I'm good. The last scene of a taxi driver when he goes bananas, final scene, whatever it says in there. The guy's just yelling, I kill you, I kill you, I kill you. Fucking tremendous people. I'm happy you're home. You're not doing dick.

It's Columbus Day, grab some beers, get a couple bong hits. Ari Schaffer. Take a chance. And my main man, Eddie Bravo's here in the house. Lee Syatt, we took some fucking gorilla biscuits. I don't give a fuck all the cops. We ain't got nothing here. This win the month.

This won. This win. A whole career. Just won something, dog. Oh, no. By this time, he had already done Godfather, too. Oh, really? He had already done.

fucking No, what are you turn it off for? How does it? It's over. How does it? Is this the end? It's over. No, then he picks her up in a cab.

He wakes up as a hero. He thought he was a hero in that shit. Yeah, we got to watch it again. It's so slow, Eddie. You fucking, you'll fall asleep eight turns. No, that's a good movie, though. But it's a great movie, if you know, that it won an Academy Award.

He won something. It's hard to watch anything after Narcos. After Watching that. How do you top that? It's a true story. It's pretty damn accurate. Narcos? There's massive.

massive killing. It's true. It's like Game of Thrones, but it's actually true. He fucking took a- Why did he kill that guy, the one you show me? He took a country hostage. He told me that you do it my... A country. Not fucking a state,

not ten people, not a gang. A country. And he had more money than they ever dreamed of having $60 million a day, would he? More than GM, yeah. What was he losing? Did I hear right? He was losing money and mouse money that mice would just eat a certain amount

Well, yeah, he married $60 million a day. $60 million. That's more than corporations back then. Blombo or blata. What's that mean? That's speed... That's that man.

If you know, either bullets or fucking money, take your choice. What do you want? There's only two ways out of this. I know you love your family. I know you want to upheld the law. I know you went to law school and your father's a judge.

But here it is. You haven't seen this, Marco? We just turned them on before. Oh, you're going to be, you can't watch anything else. You go back to Empire. It makes Empire look like those R. Kelly in the closet videos. What's Empire? That show?

It's a show about, uh, the music. Yeah, like a dude who's like part JZ, part Dr. You know, bro, I thought that show had a, uh, I thought that show had something. It's good if there's nothing else. Nothing else is on, I'll watch it. But it's, it's like, uh, it's a soap opera with. What did it win? occasionally someone gets shot

Palm de Orr Best Bafta I'm looking for I don't see any Oscars No Academy Award nomination There's nothing Taxi driver

Have you lost your mind I know he got something I'll look for it I'm looking for it Those are crazy fucking movies that they were making Yeah The San blew up

Like it was a China doll What movies have you seen That you thought Were just the greatest movies of all time But then You haven't seen them in 20 years and you go back and you see it,

you're like, oh my God, it's a piece of shit. Do you have any of those? Okay, the movie... Any of those? I think your attention goes somewhere. I just tried to watch the French connection the other night.

Yeah. It didn't stand the test of time? It was very interesting for a while then I was home. Listen, if two chicks are banging each other with dildo, I lose interest after 25 minutes every second. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

But I watched the parts that mattered. Like, I taped it, and I watched it while I was taping it on like some weird channel. Yeah. And it was interesting to see because I remember that movie. That movie meant a lot to me because I was just learning English. And there's a scene when he's running up the stairs. And he goes, pop my dog freeze.

And when he shoots him, it says, filmed in New York, where it happened. And that, like, I lived in New York City, dog. I wasn't, I was a Cuban. Where it happened? That was the trailer. Filmed in New York, where it happened. And here I am. I live in New York.

Like, my head almost fucking exploded. So I fucking went to see that movie in the movie theater. Okay. And those scenes when he shakes down the fucking bar, when Gene Hackman, those are the movies that made Gene Hackman. It was nominated for Best Picture, but I don't think it won. No, no, no. I think Robert De Niro got best at.

You're not going to shoot somebody. You know what stands the test of time? And it's hard for comedies to stand the test of time. Think about comedies from a comedy movie from the early 80s. Because I can fight a movie? There's garbage. Yeah. It's all garbage.

All of them. There's a lot of... No, no, no, no, no. Except for Fast Times of Ridgemont High, which isn't a total comedy, that stands the tested time. Train trains and automobiles, is stronger than death.

I just watched Blashty around with John Candy. John Candy's a fucking genius. Some of those movies... Some of them are good. Dog, you know what the garbage ones? You gotta watch them again. You got to go back. You know what I got stuck on last week?

You know me, dog? I tell you how it is. You know what I got stuck on last week? And I watched it for an hour and giggled. Ferris Bueller. day off. I don't give a fuck. I was giggling for two minutes. I caught myself going. You know, listen.

He's so cocky that motherfucker. He's so cocky. The fucking, the part where, the part where listen, I'll tell you a scene in the movie that I'll put up against anything today and yesterday year. The part with Peewey Herman goes to the Mexican at the bar and he takes his high heels.

Put it on. And he puts the fucking heels on. We'll battle with scenes. We'll battle with scenes. Watch it. Right? What am I putting in? You're putting in, what's this movie, what's the movie's name? I got to see. Peewey Herman's Big Adventure.

Pewey's Big Adventure. Peewee's Big Adventure. Watch this, dog. Peewee's Mexican dance, La Bamba. Whatever. The motherfucker's you. What's happening, Eddie? How are you feeling, my brother?

I feel great, man. King of Jiu-Jitsu in the fucking room tonight, ladies and gentlemen. Ari Shafir, this is not happening. Started with a little brain fart. Look at you now. You're a fucking brand and shit. People are telling stories all over the world. This is not fucking happening.

Heavy Rollins did one, man. He was so good. Did what? Story of my show. Really? Yeah. He did a story. Like, what does he do?

He told the story about, I was on a psychedelic episode. Oh, he was on your show. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, cool. How did that go? Great. It was really good.

He told a psychedelic story? Yeah. Yeah. Cool. Is that what the show's about? Like, you're telling you, drug trips? Different episodes, different topics. Oh, shit.

Okay. That's a good topic. Yeah. Everyone's got good, especially comedians, Scott. Yeah, simple. Well, sometimes, you know, sometimes, I know what I was going to tell you guys. That kid that got shot last week in Miami. The air conditioning in here. I know, Lee.

It's on high as high as fuck. It's really cold in here, you guys. One night, we do a hit of acid, and we go to this, mate, we used to go to this place in the Fairview. It was in the Fairview Cinema. That's what it was called. And there was two movie theaters. At midnight, they would always play a band, a movie from a band, like Crosby Stills Nash and Young, or somebody's concert.

The song remains the same, or the Stone's Sticky Fingers. And then the other movie theater they would play the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Oh, that's terrible. So we all went and did, this is when it was called Double Barrel Sunshine Acid. And you were supposed to get it and split it four ways. We got it and split it two ways. and we went to see Apocalypse now and we left there blown up away

but it had just rained Eddie so me this kid that got shot this other kid Louis Castellito we got like a three quarter of a mile walk home and we're walking home and for some reason Louis Casolito looks at me weird

and he goes do you hear that and I play into it I go I hear that do you hear that? And also I'm like oh my God I hear that I hear that too and the kids looking at the both of us like we're fucking crazy

but we're all tripping and we start going, Jesus Christ, the sirens, what the fuck? And my friend's yelling the sirens, the sirens, and we're both yelling the fucking sirens. All of a sudden, my buddy looks at me, and he just takes off, bro, and starts running. And like a half a block away, there's a, what's that one, the concrete breaks a pothole?

Yeah. It was filled with rainwater. Oh, no. I never forgot, he stopped. He got in his hands and knees, and he started hitting his self with rain fodder. I don't hear the sirens. I don't hear the sirens. We were just fucking with him.

We didn't hear no fucking signs. You hear signs? Not yet. He kept saying there were rats in the trees by his house. There are rats in the trees. You sing them and shit. We need to do ass and show. They're big.

What's that? That big, those squirrels. Yeah, but they sleep at night. I don't see the fucking squirrels. You see the rats and the possums in my neighborhood. You see a couple raccoons? Really? I saw a fucking huge raccoon who got hit by a call in Love of Kingdom.

I mean, that's week. I had to pull over, but he was fucking dead, and I don't want those things to bite you. So you just keep fucking driving and mind your business. This motherfucker was huge, bro. Really? Yeah, they get big up in those hills. Those motherfuckers will fuck your world up.

We've got a whole family that come into our backyard all the time. Where do you live? Yeah, and Sherman Oaks. I'm staying at Echo Park, and I saw a skunk on my porch. Yeah, we get skunks all the time. In the back yard, we see them because we have a big black. Are they going to spray you if you just come by near them? Or do they give me some warning?

When they feel threatened. When they feel threatened. Usually when they see you, a skunk will turn around and leave on its own pace. Right. He'll take a couple steps on his own pace. Have you ever seen a skunk turn and spray you? It's terrible. It's fucking terrible.

It's a terrible situation. When they turn. When they turn. So they get this way and they spray it. And they fucking... Yeah, they get their tail up. Right. It's not good.

You know, I just realized... I always thought that they use skunk as a word for weed because it's... smelly. I just realized that it actually does smell like skunk. Strong like that, too. I've had wheat. You know when you're driving around the neighborhood and you pass like a spot where

a skunk sprayed? You could smell it through your car. You know what I'm talking about? When you smell skunk? You ever drive through like your windows erupt? I love that. It goes right through the goddamn car. I fucking love that. What the hell? That could probably save the world right. That's some powerful shit. They got to look

in the skunk piss. Stunner. that shit. They do have it. They have it. They have it at sporting goods. What? You go to a sporting good at my skunk piss because you could do it for something to lure something. Yeah. To stay away from your campground? Something weird. I bet it cures cancer. Just a little jar. It's a little thing and it has like a swab and you just dump it to keep the bears away. I'm not correct. I'm not a hunter or nothing like that, brother. I don't fucking know. So you do know this thing. You're not walking around looking like Mad Max. You're walking around and looking like fucking taxi drive. Oh yeah. You don't know this thing.

People like, fucking, what's this shit? I don't know, man. This movie, see, Eddie's younger than I am. Yeah. This movie was fucking strong. This set a message. Really? What was the message?

This was after Berkowitz. What does that stand up for yourself? This was after like Berkowitz. Who's Berkowitz? No, no, no, no, no. Not the 44 caliber killer looks. That guy. I think that was a little early.

I may be wrong. But this was, like, weird. Like, a guy went in and saved this younger, year old girl. People were fucking, like, people were still mad about the exorcism. like them using a young girl to put a cross in her pussy. Now they got this chick who had already been on television. What's the young chick that's in this movie?

Come on, guys, she's a lesbian. Sounds so lamps. Yeah, I'm looking. Rachel, something. No, contact. Yeah, yeah. Lesbian. Jody Foster.

Jody Foster has been on television since she was five. She was on the courtship of Eddie's father, Eddie's girlfriend. That show, I remember being a little kid. So when she crossed over a few years later I was like, oh, what year was the court? Go ahead, Jody Foster. What year was the courtship of Eddie's father?

How old are you in 77? 14. I remember going to see this in the movies and I left there a little fucked up. Like, I'm not going to lie to anybody. There's a couple movies I left going, wow, that could happen. But that movie I left there going, that's fucking dark. Because he played it.

He was one guy in the beginning. 69 to 71. Yeah, she was already in TV, bro. She's been on television for 50 years, Jody Foster. Yeah. 60 fucking 9, my friend. She's been on TV for 45 fucking years. She played What's His Name's Girlfriend.

So she was already visible, you know. So she was like America's little fucking sweetheart. That's a lot of people don't fucking remember. And Austin, they tossed her into this mix with De Niro's shooting motherfuckers. After Godfather, and now he's playing a crazy cab driver in New York. that's all they need in New York is some guy to be a fucking vigilant. How old is she in taxi driver?

How old is she in taxi driver? Jody Foster, yes, she's the girl. She's the hooker. So she's at least a kid. So she's got to be now. You have a gun? Why does he ask him if he has a gun right before he shoots him? How old?

Jody Foster was born in 62. So she's 53 right now. So when she shot that, she was 14 or 15, or 16. Correct them, no? Taxi driver was 76 or probably 75, yeah. Yeah, so she was how old? 13, 13, guys. So she was America's sweetheart.

So, see, I remember this shit. Oh, he took America's sweetheart. He took America's sweetheart and put her as a hooker in a fucking movie. So that's why... I knew it wasn't going to win... I knew it wasn't going to win an Academy Award, but he was going to win something for it

because he was brilliant. He took America's sweetheart? Remember, like, when that fucking... That pervert, that fucking idiot told the black chick that ended up marrying the black guitar player, Thomas said. What's her name?

What? Who? What's the black guitar player? The Jewish fucking black guy. Lenny Kravitz married the girl from the Cosby show. Whose daughter is in Mad Fucking Max. That little black girl in the fucking car? That's Lisa Bonnet and Lenny Kravitz's fucking daughter in the car with them.

That cute little, yeah, that's what you get when everybody's fucking good looking at your family. Yeah, well, there's that much hot. You don't get people like me and Lee. There's that much hot. So, when she was on him, she was on him. It was number one family. Thursday night, when you were Mexican, white, black,

in 19, fucking 80, you turned on the Cosby's. That's it. It's like somebody said to me that day, listen, I don't give a fun of who's the funniest guy, because we were talking about DeLea, who were at a cookout, and somebody, those things

where they have the food trucks on Thursday. And the kid goes, something about, blah, blah, blah. The wife was like, I like Delia. And he goes, listen, in my book, I grew up on Martin. And I thought about how many people grew up on Martin. What?

People watched that sitcom. Martin was great. Okay. Martin was one of the most underrated comedies. Yes. So this guy's like, fuck DeLea and fuck this guy and fuck that guy in my world because I grew up on Martin. And that weekend I went away and watched like four episodes of Martin. How was it?

Fucking great. It still holds up until the end of time.