The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - The CHURCH: BEST of GREG FITZSIMMONS, Vol. 1 | with JOEY DIAZ & LEE SYATT

Episode Date: September 4, 2023

The CHURCH: BEST of GREG FITZSIMMONS, Vol. 1 | with JOEY DIAZ & LEE SYATT   This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT!   Go to https://www.onnit.com & Enter PROMO CODE: JOEY, JOINT or CHURCH The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz  #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #TheChurch #LeeSyatt #GregFitzsimmons   #228 - Recorded live on 11/05/2014 - https://youtu.be/fMfpq5nSut4 #336 - Recorded live on 11/25/2015 - https://youtube.com/live/PixZbBa_Azo #430 - Recorded live on 11/14/2016 - https://youtu.be/q1IVKjkHI0E #524 - Recorded live on 10/10/2017 - https://youtu.be/2y443WIRqlc #621 - Streamed live on 09/25/2018 - https://youtu.be/0anexYiUHB4 #726 - Uploaded on 10/09/2019 - https://youtu.be/ZByZJNYX7tA

the Bible study and sing on. Oh, yeah, La Bucica Catholic, compada. Dios, Bapa, Dios. They were legit to quit. But the Alis were the first people I ever met, ever, beside my godfather that ever spoke to me about sex.

And then I had this Puerto Rican dude on my block, Puerto Rican Nelson. He lived in the back. He was a bartender in the city. He used to always ask me, and he wasn't a freak of nothing. I always thought that at one point he would molest me. Yeah. And even until today I think deep sometimes. Fucking Puerto Rican Nelson don't molest me

because he used to always have a robe on and slippers and shit. That's how he walked around? Oh my God, Puerto Rican Nelson. I love that you're not sure if he did. You feel like it's maybe... Yeah, like I think that he ever dope me? Like, he even pulled a cons to be on me

because everything about him fits like an M.O. He was just a good dude. Yeah. That we used to go outside and help us fix our bike. And he was a Spanish dude. and he was just, you know, he had the sideburns and the leather jacket and it was the fucking early 70s

and I moved to Jersey and he would talk to a bunch of us and one day he would take us in the back. His claim to fame with me was that I became friends with him and I go over there and he had a black friend that went over to the rock of Gibraltar

and he brought pictures back and then he would just talk to me and then one day he asked me me and me a man he had a couple of me, you ever go to somebody's house and you go to their house a lot and they're sober but one day you catch them

and they're fucking hammond and we go over there and it's like early in the morning like I used to go over there every morning at 10 and wake him up and what's up man what are we going to do today

give me an hour I'll go out there and play stickball with you and he came out with coffee and he reeked of alcohol you know he was one of those dudes in the summer you know no air conditioning it was just a dynamite dude

and one day I'm not going to door and he answers with a towel around him and he's sitting down like he's all fucked up like well now he's gonna play football he's like man not today you know and all this shit he goes come back in like two hours so you know in those days you're punctual yeah like we were there in two hours he answered though you guys again the fucking curtains were still up he invites us in he's got a towel on you know he turns a light on and there's like a table filled with alcohol, you know?

Oh, yeah? How old were you at this point? Twelve. Twelve, and I can't remember who the fuck I walked in there. It was like six of us from the neighborhood that liked Nelson, but two of us actually

interacted a little closer with Nelson. I was Spanish, so I understood Nelson's world. I knew Puerto Rican people, but I can't believe who else was the other guy that mingled with Nelson. So we had woken Nelson, up. He goes, come in, come in. We're selling

on his couch. You guys want a soda. He gives us a soda. He puts the TV on. You can see he's still fucked up the night before. He's got the towel on. And he's like, so you guys get late? And we don't know what the fuck he's talking about. Like, nobody ever spoke to me like that. I had uncles that would

ask me to how anybody suck your dick yet. Are you pissing sweet yet? That type of shit. But this... Oh yeah, yeah. When you're Spanish, they're I'm a question, Oh yeah, you may have

who's saying? Great. Yeah, it's a great line. But Nelson was basically the first person ever, but, like, I ain't known about sex, but Nelson was the first person

ever that said it could be yours, you know what I'm like it? Like, what do you mean? You never had sex. I got a girl right now should come over and clean your pipe and go, like, and we're both like fucking shit in our pants.

Yeah, you come up with like $10. That's how well. Like, no, no, no. So he never talked about it again. And then when they were sitting there, like a month. I just love his guy. Like a guy in a fucking towel has neighborhood boys over and offers to get them all over. And he's drunk.

Because he's outraged. They haven't had sex at 14 or 12. So he was cool as fuck. He used to play basketball with us and shit. So one day I go away with this kid and he starts telling us. What's his name again? Puerto Rican Nelson. Is this be capitalized?

Puerto Rican Nelson was cool as fuck because he used to bring us weed from the city and he would actually give us seven joints for $5. Wow. He really took care of us. It wasn't like he was a bad guy, which to me meant the world. Because a lot of people could bring your weed over in those days, but they say, I take a joint off the top. He was like, I got to go over it anyway.

Don't worry about it. The guy gives me a better deal. So I always liked him because of that. So one day we're there, and a girl's there, a girl comes out of his bedroom. Me and my buddy are like, wow. Look at Puerto Rican now somewhere abroad. She sits on his lap and shit. And he's like, yeah, this is my girl.

He's feeling them up. He's making out in front of her. And feel it to these shit. And me and my buddy are frozen. Like we're just, I can feel. I can't remember. who the fuck it was. How old was this guy?

This guy had to be 28 and the bro it was like 21. But he was one of those, he had to be 26 maybe. He was from somewhere else and he lived there. This is before the computer and before neighborhood watch. And no one was freaked out by a pack of 12-year-old. No, because in those days a lot of parents came out and played with kids. I know. That's different now.

See, it's different now. be able to play with a random kid in my neighborhood? So everybody knew him for the neighborhood. And in those days, we wanted to go into the murky waters. Yeah. And he was kind of opening the door. Not really, to be honest of you. It took a long time.

It sounded like he lurked us into his house and said, do you guys want to have sex? This is after we knew him for a year. Right. We go back there all the time and get water after a basketball game. We knew him, you know. But now he knew we were growing up, and he knew what our needs were.

I look at it now. Like he was, he was just trying to, but we couldn't handle it. So one day we're sitting back there, we had a basketball game, and he's like, hey man, what did you think of that fucking broad the other day? Me and my buddy, like, oh, she was banging. He goes, I'll tell you what. He goes, tell these guys how hot she was.

And me and my buddy's like, yeah, she was hot. He's like, oh, when can we see it? He goes, listen, I tell you what I'm doing. He goes, listen, I'm going to fuck her the night in the living room, and I'll leave the window open. You guys come by and listen. What's up, you bad motherfuckers? Welcome to the Wednesday, out of addition to the church, Greg Fitzsimmons.

My main man and fucking co-host, Lee Syatt. Hello. What's up, dog? Nothing. You and I both had a rough day yesterday. Listen, my day was so fucking rough yesterday, because I didn't even know it. I went home that night. I first off, when the podcast ended, I was so fucked up.

I was just talking to Steve Simone, and I was nodding out right here. I'm like, I can't make it home. I went home. My wife was talking shit about something. I went to daycare. I just looked at her and I said, I'm going to bed. She's like, what? You just walked in, I'm going right to bed.

I went right to bed. I got anxiety. I was just telling you guys, I got anxiety in my fucking sleep. Like I got up and just sat there, pulled the sleep at me, a mask off. I didn't know what to do. Finally after the third time, my wife got up and we talked. She's like, what's a matter, breathe through it. Next day I woke up, I was still fucking dragon ass.

And when I got to the acupuncturist, she said something to me. She goes, you're not yourself for you. What's going on? I don't know. She started sticking needles in me and shit. And then she goes, what did you take last night? It's still in your system. And I go, well, get this motherfucker out.

And she fucking went down to my calf. And she picked a tender spot and shoved that little needle in there. And I put my head down. She cut me. There was smokes in the cup and shit. I was like fucking Eddie Munster. I had smoke still coming out of me the next day. And I felt great after that.

I just drank a bunch of water the rest of the day. And I felt great last night. I went to the comedy store. But I will never eat those fucking a fuck that shit. Actually, will you told me You told me that we weren't going to do it tonight And I got here like, you're like, we're not going deep No, we switch cheap but you

We're going to like a dick We didn't do dick Greg Fitzsimmons Wait, you, this all happened last night Monday night We got fucked up They made some special Halloween Edibles for us and me and him

And hail them It was an edible that had the devil's face on it Oh, what? Is it a shop you go to? Yeah, yeah It's good shit Halloween stuff Oh, we got fucking plastered

I went home I was telling you I had anxiety in my sleep, which I never really had before. Like, I had to get up and think about what was going on. It's tough at night because you can't go out in the street. You can't just go out to a coffee shop. You can't go see a movie. You're fucking trapped in the darkness.

And no life forms are around you. They're all slumbering. It's just you. Thank God you got a wife. Well, she always wakes up when I get up. I mean, as soon as I get up, she gets up. Like, what's a problem? And then you're up for the day?

No, some nights I get up for the night. But that night, particularly, I was so high, I would go back to sleep. Yeah. Like, I would get up, get my composure, and then put the sleep apnea mask on and go right back to sleep. Yeah. Then a half hour later, get up again, get my composure. So what you really need is a sleep apnea mask that's also a bong so that you can feed it. Well, something like that, this fucking people.

Stay level. Yeah, it was just. Was it like weed anxiety? Because I got anxiety driving. I saw a cop, and I was sure he's going to pull me over. So I pulled a U-turn, and I went all the way home. I was going to stop at a restaurant. I was like, I can't do it.

No, I don't get that type of anxiety no more. I was getting anxiety about two years ago. I would take edibles and go to kickboxing class. And once I would run out of oxygen, oh, my God. I would become so sensitive, like I would hear people going, and all this shit, but I would hear it like in an echo. And, oh, it was fucking. I would have to step outside the gym and just listen to quiet and have to go back in.

I think that's a lot of things I respect about you. But I think one of the main things is, how you're able to push these side effects to the side and continue being the rampant, deviant that you are. You have to. You fucking happen. The only drug I couldn't push to the side was blow. Like, once I did blow, I was done for the night.

There was no, I'll see you in two hours. Like, it just affected me. Like, I would disappear from Rogan. Yeah. Like, he's a great guy. And Joe really cared for me. Like, the fact that he's still my friend after all these years, because at the end of the day,

Joe don't really like alcohol in drugs. Yeah. You've got to watch it around him with him. I've told people a thousand times, watch it because Joe is cool, but the next day I'll get a call how you drink 19 beers and you have a problem. He'll count your fucking beers because he's, you know, it's just, he's not from that world.

So for years. Now, he didn't even get high in time. No. He was probably in his late 20s before he started. Yeah, he's not from that world. He doesn't know much. He'll drink a high in a two. Yeah.

One night he got really drunk in Vegas. They sent them a bunch of shots. And that's not, I saw that, you know, he's a sweetheart of a guy. That happened later on in life when he started getting high. Right. So, but you have to, you know, he watches you because he cares about you in a way. Like, he'll meet him and go, oh, he's a nice guy. But fuck, that guy could tip him back or whatever.

But he detest drugs. He detest cocaine. Yeah. And I would do a show with him. I would open for him, and I'd already have it in my pocket. I'd have it in the top pocket or it was already in the hotel room. Yeah. So when I got off that States, there was no good nights.

Uh-huh. There was no see you on 15 minutes. You had an agenda. It was over. The phone got shut off. I locked the fucking door, and nobody was coming in. I already had beers upstairs, two beers maybe, and I already had weed. I had everything I needed for the night in this whole town room.

And you'd stay in there alone and do blow? All fucking night. Who the fuck sits alone and does blow? I've never heard of that in my life. You know, it's the type of drug that it gets... When you start it, when you first do blow, yeah, Lee, come over. Craig's going over, Greg's going to go to a bar and pick up chicks and talk to people, you get chatty. But then the drug through time becomes something else.

Now, when the package is gone, the package is gone. When I first started doing coke, once the last line was gone, let's go do something else. Then it started, we got to call the guy. Let's call this motherfucker, get another one. And then you start getting Coke and leaving some at the house for later on when you come back. You know, I'll just have a beer and do a couple of wines by myself. Yeah. And then it gets to the point where it just flipped on me.

I couldn't be around people anymore. Like after 12 or 13 years of doing coke, the script flipped on me. And I was always more comfortable being by my, I think since 94, when I got out of the prison, the halfway house and all that stuff, and I started doing it. I was doing it always by myself. A chick would not come in that door unless I already shook her down. what Joe what do you mean by that

what I mean by that is this girl I'm bringing into my fucking cubicle of death is not coming in on a maybe she's either going to suck my dick but she's going home in those days right right there was no she's got a role to play yeah there was no we're not going to assign duties once we get inside

there was no playing once I get in first thing I'm going to do is set out of the line and make you take your panties off and suck my dick so I know what time it is there's no fucking around there's you think I'm done You think I'm fucking crazy. You think I'm crazy. First thing I do when a girl comes over in those days is I'd say she'd pee.

Oh, my God, it's great to be here. I put the heater on. And I go, hold on, I'm cutting the line. Let's see what you got under that fucking skirt. And I either eat that monkey just to get out of the way. Why are we going to sit here for three hours with this monkey in the way? Because the whole time you're thinking about how I'm going to fuck her, what positions, look at her thighs. Let's get that shit out of the way.

How often would it work? Every fucking time. Really? No, no, no. Because before, listen to me. Before she came through the door, she was already qualified. Like she was already ass shaken down. Like if you understand.

I'm going to do more blow. I'll come back with you. Let me tell you something. I don't fuck around. You're a savage, right? Yeah, what do you mean? What I mean is we're going to do a couple lines. I'm putting you to work.

And they would look at me and go, you're fucking crazy or, yeah, I know. What do you mean by work? I'm giving you drugs. I'm turning you out. And then I would say it right out. You're going to set some dick. I'm going to eat your asshole.

and they will just look at me because we're not going to fuck around. We're not going to make out. I don't make out. What am I, my 10? I don't make, no, but I want to eat that ass. I want my dick sucked. I want you to play with your pussy. I want to do all creepy shit.

You know what I'm saying? Play with your pussy. Let me watch it while I whack off and put a coke rock in your ass. This is nothing about love. There's nothing flip over. You know, this is fucking nothing. This was fucking crazy. And it worked all the time.

And then you cuddle? Then you cuddle. No, out in the morning. Once the blow is done, you have no idea. But what I don't understand is the alone thing. Like, what do you do? Like, if I finish a gig on a Friday night

and I go back to the hotel room and I have a couple puffs, watch Netflix, maybe I beat off, I'm asleep by 3 a.m. What do you do when you're doing Coke alone in a hotel room? What activities transpired? It is a horrible, in hindsight.

Thinking about it now, it's one of the worst things I would do. You know, if you see my face, I have picks on my face. I would just sit there with the blow and look for shit. Yeah. Pick veins in there.

Really? Because I hated myself or I hated the situation I was in. So I would go home at night. All right, let's say I had a gram a coat, gram and a half. Because I would go for bro. Fuck a half gram.

I'd open up with a half gram. A gram. Okay, after a comedy show on the road, sure. The first show, I had a comedy club. I'm trying to pick up a waitress or somebody at the show.

like because they're looking at me going oh yeah because right on stage I'm going to talk about doing blow so when I get off stage during the first show somebody's going to say something to me or something's going to go somewhere it's going to go somewhere oh you do blow something

or the second show the second show for sure more likely to have a co-cat or something's going to say you want a blast well there's going to be people at the bar and some girls are going to come over and go I have a blast next thing you're doing a blast and they got a mini skirt and you're talking to them

and this chick's a fucking savage you know she didn't go out with a mini She's going to Friday night. Yeah. Because she's going to church on Sunday. She's not hanging out with the guy with the sniffles by accident. With the shirt going down the sleeve. Once they start drinking, it's 1 o'clock.

You know what time is. Then they'll say to you, what are you going to do after? I'm going to go back to the hotel room. You want to come to my plate? Right there. Right there. You're like, listen, I got this guy. He'll bring an eight ball.

I understand one thing. If I come back to the house, I'm putting a Coke rock in your asshole. I'm eating out. And they'll look at you like, okay? Or, oh, my God. You just got me hot. Or, no, I have a husband or I have a boyfriend. I mean, it's crazy.

But here's the other side of the question. Here's the other side that happened that I never felt good about. There was a lot of people I brought home that were in relationships, that were in marriages. Yeah. You know, that they were just as much of a junkie as you were. Right. You know, when you're a junkie, you tolerate shit. You know, I know 20 situations where I brought people home, I didn't know.

And then we know. You know who I saw a picture of. is what's her name fuck Jennifer Aniston no whoopi Goldberg

Sarah Silverman at the premiere for movie did you see that picture I didn't know she was so hot I don't know she dresses up

when she dresses up it's like a whole different person I had never seen that before yeah it's unbelievable Sarah Salwoman's a good looking little fucking

she's beautiful yeah she always dresses down and I never seen that yeah she's been yeah what her name that no

the pictures what fucking picture put that down a little bit what picture at her premiere Who's premiere? Sarah's a little movie.

She's got a new movie out. Oh, Sarah does. Yeah, a little indie film. Okay, I didn't know none of this shit. He's talking about Hunger Games. People are talking about Oscar nominations and shit? Yeah, really good. She did a really good job.

You know, she's one of those people that's been around forever. She's like AIDS. She won't go away. Can't stop it. You know, she's been around with, you know, when I came to this town, she had just popped in something about Mary. Even though she was just sitting at a whole table listening, She was involved in that movie.

That was a great fucking movie. I left my ass on. But she won't go away. She always stays relevant. You know, she always popped. She popped a great HBO special last year. Yeah. It wasn't as much as great as how she did it at Largoe.

Yeah. And all that type of stuff. She does it her own way. She's like Joey Diaz. Well, how else are you going to do it? I got nobody's way to do it. This is the only way you can do it. Yeah.

What's up, Irish? Good to see you, man. Fucking Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving. I've been holding out all week. I've been thinking about fucking pumpkin. pie since like last Saturday. Like my last Thursday,

you're like, man, I can't hold out no more. I need a fucking piece of pumpkin pie. I'm smoking this high cap. I never got into the pumpkin thing. That's my favorite thing in the world. Pumpkin pie, a little bit of whipped cream on top. Heat that motherfucker up. Oh.

And you know where? I hated pumpkin pie as a kid. Yeah? I liked like faggy colors, like Boisenberry and Apple. But when I went to Catholic school, I got stuck with a pumpkin pie once. Oh my God. How fucking good of those. Yeah.

And the cheap. the better. Right. Like one of those oven ones and you cut up? Oh my fucking God. With some cool whip.

Cool whip. Not even real whipped. No, no, no. Not cool whip. The real shit. Okay. Real whip.

I don't think of that. Ready whip. Cool whip. That tub of shit. I'll go buy, I'll go to a bodega and buy one of those little Intman's pies.

The one the size of your fist? You pop it right out of there. I've always wondered what those are. The little pie fillings? They're little pie fillings. It's just like a little mini pie? It's exactly. It's exactly a pie,

but it's the size of your fist. and if you're between meals and you don't pick me up you grab yourself in Edmund's pie apple they'll throw out in the microwave for you Really? Pop it out of the tin thing

Throw out in the microwave I never ate one of those Yeah it's great Edmonds I don't know what the fuck that is It's scared like... Antimans you never heard of that Entomans I heard of But they have little apple pie

Yeah little apple pie It's on the counter like next to the This is how fat I was I know what you're talking about And it's next like those little donuts But it's like pie filling I was always too scared to get it. I don't know what the fuck that is.

I didn't know if you had to bake it or something. I'm always been a hostess apple pie type. Really? That was part of my game growing up. That's a quick filler. That's just nothing but pure sugar. That's glazed. Yeah. It's glazed. Yeah. It's glazed with a fucking can of Coke. Oh, my God. The dentist is cheering you on. The dentist is like, that's my boy.

That's my motherfucker right there. That's money in the bank. Oh, my God. I love those blades. You see him unloading the truck out back, your dentist. You know, now you eat that hostess and it's, fucking horrendous. That food is all horrendous. They've taken chemicals out.

They've added chemicals in. Remember the hostess cupcake? Just a plain chocolate with the little fucking thing. Yeah, the little swirl. The little swirl. They gave you like a little heavy little dot of fucking sperm in there. Yeah. Now they give you nothing.

It's like some fucking little fag with the hib. Shoots a little gun in there with a little fucking little, you got to eat 10 pounds of chocolate to get through a little fucking hippie sperm. It's one drop. Yeah, it used to be the whole load. You get the whole fucking load of stuff. sperm in there from the guy at the factory. Now, nothing. Some skinny guy

called from the wheat egg whites. It used to be like a guy, a diabetic, blew a hot thick one inside of a cupcake. Those things were, you know, from the East Coast, you grew up on those things. And everybody's different. I think, like South Jersey has tasty cakes in Philadelphia. Up by me, I was more

of, uh, what do I like? I like the... Ringdings? Rest the country, you call them ding-dongs. Devil dogs. I'm a devil-dog type of motherfucker. Fucker. Devil dog.

But my all-time favorite was the yo-yos. The chocolate with the cream filled up like that, and you got two in a package, and then they got dipped in chocolate to boot. That's diabetic right there. Another one, the dentist is right there. Tap on you on the back. That's right. Give me a twinkie.

You take the cellophane off. The little top gets stuck on it. You get to scrape that off with your teeth. They tried to stop making Twinkies, and people lost their shit. They picketed. They protest. They wrote letters. They brought it back.

A year later. I got hooked on Twinkies one night. Twinkies was the first sugar buzz I had because my mom, I would go to my mom and go, Mom, I'm going on a school trip. And instead of just buying me two Twinkies, she'd buy me a box and say, share them with your friends.

Fuck you. Fuck you. You would hoard the snacks? Listen, I would start eating those Twinkies at 11 o'clock at night the night before the odd couple. I remember the first all-nighter I pulled on Twinkies. One all-nighter on Twinkies. And instead of snorting like,

When you do blow, you do like blow every 20 minutes when you pull along lightly. Yeah. Guys, this is the funniest fucking story of all time. I pulled an all-nighter on Twinkies one night before we went to Philadelphia and where Betsy Ross did the fucking letter. Yeah. Where she made the flag. The flag. Yeah.

And we went to see the Nutcracker Suite. My mother bought a box of those, a box of something else, and a box of something else. and it was the first addictive personality that I ever showed. I did not know it then. I thought about it years later, how I kept watching them. You know, I started with the out-couple. Ah, the honeymills, let me eat another twinkie.

Then, uh, the twilight zone. I got to have a twinkie for the twilight zone. And this time I'm going to get two and some milk to dilute them. It's a one hour. Yeah, it's a one hour. You got to get two. And then at one, I watched something else at HBO when I was a kid. I watched something else.

Yeah. You know, HBO was brand new. Oh, and HBO late at night, they drank one out? No, the late movie when I was a young man, seven, when that happened, not when I was seven. When that happened, I was in the eighth grade, so I'm talking about 78. The hot movie at the time, they kept playing, that you'd whack off to was Kentucky Fried movie or the Groove Tube. The Group Tube had a chick that ran across naked with her tithies, and you had that big box

with three levels, and that's how you got channels in those days. So each one had one to seven, seven to 21 and 21. That's right. That was it. That was it, guys. That was cable fucking TV.

And it had a string connected to the TV. So you had, that's a TV, you had a string with a box on it, and then it had like levels. So you had zero to seven, seven to 14, and 14 to 21. Fucking tremendous.

And HBO was 18. HBO was 18. And you can press it. That's how you did it. You're press it. That's the fucking HBO, and you got all excited. Nobody was around. And that's the first thing I fucking whacked it,

was that group to. But I remember being six in the morning and still eating those Twinkies and being jazzed up and not knowing what's going on in your life. Like just being jazzed up and going, what do I feel this way? And being awake the whole fucking day.

And years later, one night I'm sitting there, I think talking to somebody, and they're like, yeah, remember that trip? And I'm like, yeah, the night before was the most interesting night of my life because I stayed up all night eating Twinkies. They're like, fuck yeah, you did.

If you ate the whole box of Twinkies, that'll keep you up all fucking night at that age. Yeah. Getting coked up on Twinkies. Like sucking a dick, one after the other. Little brown. Twinkie dicks. And ever since that time, you know what?

If I'm high and I got to eat a twinkie, I'll eat it. But I don't think, I think since that eighth grade, I think I've had two Twinkies. Yeah. That was his thing. For like a dollar apiece. That was his fetish. Oh, my God.

We got into boys listening to him, fuck. We got there. He was fucking the shit out of her doggy style. We all ran away. We were like, mortified. We got there 10 minutes before he started fucking it. We're like, not even in there. And all of a sudden you heard her.

Oh. And he's like, yeah, that's it sucking. We tried to look. There was the banana of us. Try to look at that window. We just heard them fucking fucking. And I heard meat. Like, that's the first time I heard balls.

Yeah. And we ran out of that, dog. And the next day he's like, the next day he's like, did you guys come by? That's the weirdest fucking neighborhood guy I've ever heard. Oh, my God. Holy shit. That guy's great.

But the Ali brothers Think about how many like first you had With that guy First drinking fucking None of a drink with him I don't think He didn't even drink with him I don't think No no no no He got this weed and he was like dog

If I do this fee you got to keep it on the level I can't have to you know he was very careful But the Ali brothers were the first People that told me like this all was happening at once So I was living on giving that a terrorist But I would play on 26th Street And the Ali brothers were hysteria The Ali brothers were the first people I ever met my life that went to a hookah house.

And they would both describe the experience to me. And it was like a fucking perfect film. You couldn't write this. Now in my memory, because Juan Ali was very intelligent. And he would say, yeah, you give him ten bucks. And you go in the back room and they fucking take your shoes off. And they take a bucket out and they wash your dick. And they get on the bed and they ask you what do you want to do.

you want to do if you want a 69 and we do everything and we do everything we're there for like in a how we eat them they give us a massage the whole fire when you're fucking 12 and a 13 year old is telling you this shit you're my it's like Pink Floyd

the first time yeah you go home and think about that shit and think about the possibilities like maybe I'll go over that I'll put on my best suit I'll get 10 bucks and see what the Bronx has to offer are you fucking getting me but every Monday there'd be a circle around these two

and they'd be telling us all their sexual exesipates you know the fucking holly brothers until I hit the right next to where they lived was a company called Dura Test and they made light bulbs

all sizes they made these things but the best thing for us as kids was when they made the office the skinny long ones yeah oh all that I could hit you in the head 25 times

nothing will happen They'd just break and get white powder on you, okay? So we would jump over the dumpster, get like 150 of those things, and everybody would take an armful, and we'd go to war with each other. No shit. Ba, bah, bah, we'd hit each other. No cuts. Never, never a misunderstanding.

And it was me, Juan Ali, Martin Perez, all these, Dean LaPrette, all these white dudes from 26th. We were all out there, but there was a roof. a flat roof over a garage next to Juan Ali's house and there was access to the roof so we're having this war five on five everybody's hitting each other with these fucking things

I run to the roof I'm having my own private war up in the roof and somebody throws a rock over they throw a bulb over right then another bulb comes over and then a rock comes over well I take the fucking rock and I look at the guy and I go

I'm saying that. And I throw the rock up up in the air, right? And I just leave it like that. And also you hear, and we look over, not the smart, Ali, but the retarded one, Alberto, the one that used to always say, see, you're so what pass on. Like, he was the one that, he was like Louis. He's like that character, Louis that wasn't intelligent, but he was going, yeah, yeah, yeah, it was there. He was that guy. But I hit him in the head with that fucking rock. I clocked him right here. It didn't break, but he got a lump immediately, like a hema, Yeah. But it was a hematoba that got that pus went right to it.

And he had a little pee hole in it. You could see. And he was on the floor. He's on the floor. Like my friends didn't give a fucking guy in there with the rock. They give him him in the white bulbs and shit. It sounds like, what's the way were in New York going to put inside? He's the dumb one?

They hit him. Maybe he did with 10 light bulbs. Why he was down? But at the time we got to him, he had powder all over from the light bulbs. But you can still see the lump on his head. I'll never forget it until this day. I always look them up on Facebook and Google them. I can't get a hold of them.

And that's how they spelled their name, Ali. A-L-E. There's a Cuban name, Al-A-L-A. The Irishman, fresh from New York, four months, the summer, dead of August, humidity. You go home, you'll wash, you got dirt in your hair, but you're still in the greatest city in the fucking world. It makes up for it. All the shit people complain about in New York.

It's like, those are details. The headline is that my soul is alive. I'm creative. I'm writing new shit. I'm bumping up against Asian girls with open-toed sandals on the subway. Looking down, pretend I'm checking my phone, but I'm really looking at those nubby little yellow toes.

Oh, with the good, good fucking self-manicures, no paint. just the natural color of the toenail. Makes you want to go to one of those human trafficking joints over on Burbank Boulevard. Pay a tick the X-and-20 to whack off on the toes. Sweetie, one on the floor, one on the table. Let's split those feet up. Listen, those fucking Third World Nations over there, you know, I always drive through either Burbank Boulevard or Magnolia.

Yeah. I go to Jiu-Jitsu, and I either take Magnolia or Burbank Boulevard. And I can't tell you how many times I'll be somewhere and I'll notice a new massage ball. Yep. And I'm always just close to walking in one. I go to one, but I go on there with my wife. It's right over here. They really do a fucking job.

They got a happy hour. 12 to 3. Yeah. Oh, you think you're in heaven. Unreal. Plus, they take your shoes off, they soak your feet. Yeah. They rub from your knees down.

Yeah. Put your hips back in place. Yep. They rub your hands, your forearms, your neck. They twist your fucking neck. Then they take you in the other room and they rub you down. They put hot stones on you for the small 40. And they give you a fucking hot cup of tea on top of it.

Yeah. That place is tremendous. And here's the other tip. I got a punch card. If you're going to go to one of these places, get there before 3 o'clock, because they're not changing out the sheets. So you want to be the first new guy on those sheets. This place is tremendous.

They may change the face rest. But they're not changing. No, no, they change everything. Yeah. Yeah, they change. I watch, I've been going there. Somebody, a kid from Jiu-Jitsu said, go to this place. Yeah.

I was like, tell me the truth. I'm not going to get a hand job. I go, don't make me go to a place there because that place is next to a little store I go to. Yeah. And the two sons always talk to me about sports and comedy and shit. So that's a massage parlor, join the hand job joint. Yeah. Please, don't fuck me because I'll be embarrassed if I walk out of there and they see me.

Yeah. And one day I was in the store. and I asked the guy if he heard anything about that. I'm thinking of going over there just to cover myself. And he goes, people love it. It's fucking busy all the time. And they had a sign that said happy hour. 12 to 320 bucks, neck, feet and legs or something, shoulders or something.

You never went over there with me. No, I haven't. Oh, you got to buy him a gift to forget for that place. He won't go. His girlfriend won't want to go. Oh, we did Zeal when we had Zeal. I know, but you'll do Zeal, but I don't know that Chinese people. and, you know, be there immigrants.

You're the only one who like, you only like Chinese people. I like all Asians. I'll take you over there with me one day. Because if now he won't go, he won't be allowed to go. Oh, you think, uh, I went to a play. My wife gave me a coupon for a, uh, you know, I live down in Venice and right on Lincoln Boulevard. You know, it is all kinds of shacks on Lincoln Boulevard. Oh, they do have shacks on this?

Oh, yeah. So she gives me this coupon. She got it in the mail. You know, one of those value pack envelopes that comes stuffy? Clean your carpets and you go get a fucking whopper with cheese and dry cleaning. It's like all those coupons. And one of them is for this Thai massage place. So it's my birthday.

And she sends me over there. And I walk in and this cute little little tiny Thai girl behind the counter. She leads me back to the room and, you know, take off your clothes, get under this towel. So I'm laying face down. And I wait, you know, a few minutes goes by and then I hear I hear the door open. And then, are you ready? I'm ready. And then she starts rubbing, but it's like, she's fucking strong.

Like, this is not what I expected from this girl. And she's working elbows and knees fucking, you know, deep. And I was like, wow, this is. And then gets to the ass and starts oiling it up, doing some deep circles. Like, like, round. To the point where I'm going, like, did I take a dump today? Where you start worrying about your hygiene and how it smells back there. And then she goes and she gets in that crease between my ass cheek and the leg.

You know, she's got her finger in there. And I, and then there's like a little ball graze. And I think, uh-oh. Then she gets the other cheek. Same thing. Rubs it, oils it. Gets in that crease. Second ball graze.

Now you got my attention. Slaps me on the ass. You turn over, which is for play for a lot of guys in America. Those three words. You turn over. I turn over. I look up and it's fucking, it's a dude with lipstick on. Asian dude, long hair, lipstick on.

It's not the woman from the front desk. And he starts rubbing my thighs, front of my thighs. Are you putting me? I swear to Christ. Why are you telling me this? I do I did like 10 stars tonight. The stinger mushroom. I swear to Christ.

You're scared of me right. And so the dude's rubbing my thighs and he starts to go on the inside. And I start to feel a little pressure. Oh, my God. And then, uh, he didn't go for it. And to this day, I think, I don't know what to happen. Like, I can't, I can't look you in the eye and say that no was on the tip of my tongue at that moment. I think I would have said no.

It was the lipstick. It was the lipstick. When you're laying on your back, anybody shows up a lipstick, you let them suck your dick. You know what I'm saying? Are you kidding? And what night I would have done? Like one night it was piss on somebody night, like spit on somebody night, like that big guy on the third floor in a tub.

But I went in there one time, and there was a guy, and they were playing like Wheel of Fortune. It wasn't called Wheel of Fortune. It was called like Spend the Cock. And the guy would, they would tie him up naked. Like Jesus, he would spread his legs. On a wheel. On a wheel.

And if he won the ballot or whatever, they would make him go upside down and somebody would suck his dick while he was upside down. I'll never forget. The winner or the loser? I don't know. I don't know what the fuck. But I'll never forget going in there one night on a loo.

Looking for a gram of blow. Like me and my buddies. Like, that was the last resort to get blow. And we went in there. Everybody was around this, like, you know, cheering. Go, go, go, go, go. And I'm at the ball. Like, yeah, let me get me grab a blow.

I guess, hold on five minutes. And I'm like, what's going on over that? And it's like, it's all you didn't know? Because he was gay as fuck this guy. His name was Joe Gash. He goes, you didn't know? it's, you know, wheel of cockney

or whatever. So I go over this poor bass and this upside down and this fucking Puerto Rican little mustache and little earring

is sucking in that pipe. But I figured out I've got to know this for years. Like this type of shit. You're not supposed to see that when you're 18 years. But here's the thing

I understand about Joey Diaz and the church what's happening in general. If I had one story that good, you would know I had that story. Because I would have

told, I would have already told it 30 times. This is one of many. That's what I'm saying. But I thought about it and I thought about one thing. I'll never forget that he was sucking the guy's dick and I was behind him and all these gay guys like, go, go, go, go, go. And I finally went over there. Bankrupt, you got to eat his asshole?

No, I don't know. I don't know. The guy's upside down. He's yelling because the blood's in his head. So this guy's sucking his dick. I don't forget that something made me go around. Look at what the guy looked like. that was sucking his dick

and he was sucking it you understand me with all the blood goes to your head I don't think your dick gets hard so this guy had both his cheeks connected like he was like and I never forgot like at that time

I don't even think I got my dick sucked but that's pretty interesting that guy sucked him for his life like he was sucking for his fucking life I love if he passed out of the set of blood but you just sit there and watch this I watched it for about a minute and then I went back

got my grandma Coke and left They never said to nobody. It was nobody's business. You know what I'm saying? I saw a guy got his dick upside down. Who says that type of shit to people? Who watches that type of shit? You got to watch it.

If it happens in front of at least one time. He had to wait for his Coke. You got to wait for the Coke. I better than watch what's going on. What's going on with the talent? You know what I'm saying? Maybe I want to jump in. I would love to get my dick sucked if I was upside down.

I think I get a panic attack. Thinking back, like if my head is underneath, I don't care how hot she is. If she just suck in my dick. Well, it's a race, between passing out and coming. Is that what it is? Yeah.

I think you hear about these people that, uh, ex-sphyxiate themselves while they masturbate. And I've always thought, you know, I've masturbated for a lot of years and I'm good. But could I take it to another level? No. But I'm afraid, what if I did and I, and I forgot to let go on my neck or whatever?

That's, that's not the way you want to be. Okay. So like the guy from the excess, he goes into a room. I think he was in a closet and he put, put his belt around his neck. You put your belt around your neck and you hold one and pick your weight up? I guess. Or you just choke yourself.

I think you have to tie it off because isn't that how David Carradine, one of the Carradine brothers died doing that? And then Robin Williams supposedly, am I wrong? So let's go back here. So it's like suicide while you're jerking off. Yeah, you try to choke yourself. You know how when you're getting choked out, you get lightheaded and a little euphoric.

Yeah. So I guess you combine that with masturbation. And it takes, to me, masturbation after all these years is still so fucking good. Like I don't I don't picture making it better. It's like it's all in my control. It's joy. It's a release. There's a little shame afterwards. But the actual experience of it, I still can't believe after all these years, there's nothing that I still enjoy as much as that one activity. And there's nothing else close. You know, when it comes to me, I like banging one out, but I like banging them out on the road.

Yeah. Like in the shower. In the shower. Like I love banging one out in the shower when I can lay down and sit and I got time. I conditioned my hair, I shave. You lay down in the shower? I love that shit. Oh, for years.

I lay down in the shower. To me, it's if when I get off a plane, that's the thing I look most forward to when I land, especially at a hotel. That's why when I go to these fancy, spancy hotel, I don't have a shower curtain. Yeah. I don't have a whole glass anymore. They don't have a tub. Yeah, they pissed me off. I turned the hot water on.

I fucking smoke a half of number. Sometimes I'll take a little piece of Azanix. And I just sit in the hot water and I fucking think. I wait until it gets hot, nice and steamy, 20 minutes in, you shave. It's like shaving through butter. Yeah. You know. How long are you in there for altogether?

Sometimes an hour. Sometimes two hours. The fucking room, the shower at the, uh, You're going to get a call from the, from Greenpeace about that one. I don't get what fuck. Where's, what's the hotel I stay at South Point? South Point shower is where the brick ends.

Yeah. All the way to there. Yeah. You walk in, you open up another thing, they have a sink in the shower. And then they have a gun, and then they have a shower, and then they have water that comes out of the water.

walls and they have a little bench. You know how many times I've gotten up there at 4 in the morning? Roll the fucking joint, smoked it, gotten toasted. Because I paid a $2.50 fine there. I don't give a fuck. Because by the time, it's just a big room. I'll smoke a joint in the bathroom.

I'll sit there from 4 to 6.30. Thinking about my life. Imagine the neighborly? You know, because you can hear that shower going on the next room in a hotel. He has a big room in the... But he knows it's up. He's been in it. But you used to do that when you were big, right? You used to sleep in there?

When I had the sleep at me, I realized that the only way I could fall asleep is if I was on an angle. Yeah. And, you know, you go to these people's houses, they're rich, and you would take a shower with somebody's house, $1.8 million, $2 million, $2 million. And after 10 minutes, they got no hot water. You got a waste of a house. Yeah. Your house is a waste. 10 minutes, and I got a waste.

I got to wait another half hour for the water to get out. You got beat. I lived in a building in Hollywood that they had one of those old tanks. Do you know I used to sleep in there? You'd keep the water running while you slept? Because that's the only way I could sleep when I had to sleep after that was 400 pounds. So I would go in the tub, I'd take a pillow and I put a garbage bag on it. One of those fucking hefty, hefty, hefty, hefty, hefty, hefty, wippy, wimpy, I would fucking close off the pillow.

I would put it behind me. I would put the hot water on it and it would hit like my stomach. And I'd just fucking sleep there. When I'd wake up, the paint would be peeling off the wall. Before we moved there, we had to paint the bathroom. I peeled the primer off the wall. Sheet rock was coming off. Mold.

The fucking top was just mold. And you can see where it was just dripped with brown mold. Every time you would paint it, the mold would come right through. When I first got diagnosed with sleep out of me, that's the only way I could sleep. I love showers. Yeah. I've always loved showers. I don't understand dirty people whatsoever.

Do you take baths? No. I don't want to bathe in the same water, the germs that came on. I want that stuff to flush. Okay. I want to sit. Baths is something like drinking for me. Like in the 70s, when you watch a TV show, Greg walked in here in the 70s,

I would turn around and have a bar with a bottle filled of the brown booze. It could be scotch, bourbon, whiskey. You don't know. But you didn't have the boss to ask. I poured two of them and I just gave it to you. Joey Diaz, I got to tell you, man. You're the real deal. Just hanging out with you for 10 minutes before the show.

Nothing makes me happier. You're just a fucking real guy. You don't give a shit. No, there's no all that shit about sober October, making me laugh about fucking Ari. I just got here doing bong. What are you going to do? It's a beautiful day to be alive.

It's 80 degrees outside. We got our legs. Yep. We got our arms. We got our house. Right. No ED. No erectile of this function.

You ever get one drop on you? Fall down, flight of stairs. What's that? You dick. I'm getting to the point now where you get it there, and once you bang out one, then you're done. Done. Like done.

It used to be why I could shoot one that would stay half of the tension. Yeah. And then you go back in there for the second stab, and that lasts a little longer, and everybody sees stars. Yeah. That got cut out. Now, I got a 24-hour. shot clock on mine now. It resets.

24 hours. And the worst is I'll go to my office. I got an office like this, about the same size. Just fucking all business and little couch. And, you know, I'll watch some Japanese hidden camera massage porn, lesbians. And I work one out. And then I come home that night and the wife throws a move on me after the kids go to bed. And I got to look at right in the eye and go, too late, sweetie.

Too late. That one's gone. No, I usually don't bang one out in the daytime. No? I'm a late night type of dude. Really? Yeah, I don't know why. I'm not a daytime banger out.

I like late night when I got nothing to do at night. You're bored. You might as well bang one out. I go take a pee and I'll bang one out standing up. No shit. Yeah, I'm old school. Stanley up. You land it all in the water or is it all over the place?

Yeah, no, I landed right in the toilet. Then I close it. It's a little space. Sea monkey. Remember in the 70s? You put that powder in the water and you closed it. See? monkey i got a back bathroom yeah i'll come in that toilet i'll put the lid down i go away i come back

two days later i got like a half a kid in there there's like a hand with a fly on it in there telling me help me help me get the fuck out of it flush them down the toilet you got our herd of fucking horses i got a back bathroom that gets those retarded flies yeah okay i what do you mean they're slow they get big and i don't know what happens i open up the door and i take a shit and I'm taking this shit. You know, I love taking the shit with the back door open. Yeah. When we rented this house and I saw the layout, nobody comes to that bathroom.

You have to walk through too many mazes. So it's my bathroom. I got a couple kettlebells on the floor. I got some club weights and shit. I got two punching back, two gloves in there. I got my bong in there. I got that like while watching the back door, my Santeria stuff. And I got this shitter.

and it's perfect. And I open the back door and the sun comes in at 6 in the morning after my first cup of coffee and as I'm fucking smoking bong, it's this shit flying out of my ass when you cough? What's better than coughing out of bong?

There's nothing better. No, it comes right out. And for some reason lately as you get old you get those extended pieces of shit the ones that aren't long no more. They're like six inches but the middle has like a four inch gap like a mushroom cap. Right. So your ass stretches out for a minute.

Yeah. It's like fucking. You guys are both saying yes. Like, what are you talking about? You get older, your body changes. Okay. You young guys, so your shit's changed. So last week, last Monday.

And I got to be honest with you. I'm on that. I'm very honest. I do not do pain pills. But I had an altoid can that people give me on the road. People give me the little different pills. I put in my little altoy. Vicodin's hydrocodone.

I got everything in that. Do you know which each one is? No. Not really. Not really. You know, I have an idea, but not really. So some nights, you know, so when we had the last night before so about October, we came in here and we had like six codeine threes, and I ate them.

Let me tell you how much I don't eat pain pills. They clogged me up all week. Oh, yeah, that's the problem. They disrupted me all week, coffee. I could feel this shit in my stomach. I finally said, fuck this. The other morning I ran over the Pets, the Mexican. place up there they got a fruit salad whenever you eat there at the end they give you a fruit

cup with the mexican cream on top and makes you fucking your dick hard just eating it yeah give you a couple blueberries raspberries and strawberries and uh melon the green melon right it's tremendous i just went up there and said give me a fruit thing with no cream on it give me half the cream i ate the whole fucking thing and friday night i was on that throne like i said they were coming out in chunks yeah You could hear it. It's like people throwing sheet rock off the room. It's like, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah. And your asshole is distended.

Three times I went in there. It was like 10 minutes of bar, bah, like flushing. I had to get up and fucking get the pogo stick and push it down. Whatever the fucking call that thing. Loading a cannon. I got the big extended one for gorillas. The ones they use it, the gorilla cage in the Bronx Zoo. I'm pushing down on this motherfucker.

But for some reason, I attract these flies, and they go against the bathroom window, and they kind of get retarded. Yeah. Right. So after a few days, they just come into my lair, and I got a little weed container, a glass container that's empty weed, and I put them in there. I take one of their wings off to fuck them up a little bit, and I put little holes, and I feed them weed. I just give them weed, and for three or four days, they're just eating weed. They don't know. and I just put more flies in there.

I got about eight of them in there right now. Do you let him out? No, no, they're in there. I'm like that dude in Hannibal Lecter that collected the bugs and put him up chubby chick's pussy. Yeah. And then he would drop them off in the weeds

off the 170. Remember the put the cream on the skin. That dude, the creepy dude. Jumped a lotion in the bucket. Drop the lotion in the bucket. I don't remember a bugs going in the pussy in that movie. It was a moth. It was a moth.

Oh, God. I don't remember that part. He would put morts in the bucket. their mouths or something. Yeah. That's how they found them. They found the moth in the mouth. Right.

They figured out that the moth got sent from some other country. Yeah. No, I used to take those viking in. I got shoulder surgery. This is probably going back five years. I got shoulder surgery just from repeated throwing shit my entire life, just the right shoulder needed to be rebuilt. And they gave me, I had the surgeon, right me, Vicodin.

I had the general practitioner. write me hydrocodone I had somebody in physical therapy write me somebody I was filling every everyone for fucking nine months these guys kept refilling it and then I go into people's medicine cabinets if I came to your house for dinner I'd excuse myself to go to the bathroom and I would rifle through your shit and I would take your hydrocodone if there's anybody out there friends family that have had me over in the last five years and you think you got a little hydrocodone left for when you get a a backache, you're gonna have to refill that. That's gone.

Thank you for the honesty. Yeah. That's why I don't put my shit in the bathroom. I'd go to open houses. I got my medication in the weirdest places. Yeah. Like my blood pressure medication in the kitchen next to the refrigerator. So I'm reminded to take it.

Yeah. And all my men are met them at the little dew pills. I got them hidden. You know what I'm saying? Those are hidden because I don't want mercy to find them. I know. You got to get a safe. First of all, I don't have them to put up in mind.

Like some people take them and they put them in their medicine cabin. Yeah. I don't have the anxiety shit the doctor gives me. Yeah. I don't put it in there. I don't even take it on the road. I wash more of those anxiety pills that I take. Oh, you tell me, you put them in your pocket before you come to the store.

I wash more than I take. Yeah. You know, so. But it was interesting. Before the podcast started, we were talking about the Friars Club. Oh, right. What are the requirements? Well, back in the day, the requirements.

Requirements were you have to be a man. I don't know what the I don't think there was ever a race restriction There's a lot of private clubs in New York that had race restrictions You know you had the the Union Club and the players club there was a whole like circuit of private clubs are mostly in like old beautiful brown stones like five story brownstones And the Friars Club was founded as a club for entertainers it was for comedians Borschbelke guys that were on the road Broadway actors, songwriters, entertainment attorneys, agents. And they all joined this club,

and they would just hang out. And they had the Joey Lewis bar. You came in on the left. And it was one of these old-time New York bars with the fucking red-padded rubber on the edge of the bar and then some deep black booths in the back. And they serve you the fucking peanuts that everybody's pissy hands been rifling through all day,

but you eat them anyway. and guys just come in there after work, have a couple drinks, and then during the day, guys that come in for lunch, the dining room was fucking beautiful. I think it was the Frank Sinatra dining room. And you get the Dover Soll and they take the bones out right at the table. They come over and they filet it for you, right at the table. And you just put it on your account.

You don't bring money to the Friars Club. Everything is just they know your number. They throw it down. Then you go upstairs and they got a card room. Guys play cards all day, bedding, all fucking, like, these, you know, they're working at night. They're comics. So they have their lunch. They play cards.

And then upstairs, they get a steam room that's the best steam room in the city. And you walk in, you get your little locker. And then they give you a robe and you walk into the steam room. Guy comes in, he's got a towel. And then he's got a washcloth that they, it's got ice cubes on it. And he hands you that, the glass of water. And then when you get out, you walk. into the shower you take a shower big fucking big shower with the the power

nozzle that blows that shit out it's like a civil rights riot in the 60s you're getting blasted against the well German shepherds are barking underneath the stall and then you come out and this Polish guy takes a towel not making this up and he fucking pats you dry your whole body you just stand there with your arms out this guy pat you dry everything but your dick and then he wraps a towel around your waist hands you another glass of water and then you go back and you go sit and you put the robe on and they got these uh these lazy boys sitting outside by the gym big screen tv variety magazine Hollywood reporter and you sit down and you

fucking watch a little MSNBC read variety put a towel on your head take a nap and then you go out to your show that night do you have to let the guy draw you off why wouldn't you i don't know that seems Great feeling. How long have you been a member of this for? I joined in 93. One of the requirements. You got to have somebody recommend you and second you, and then they review you, and then you come in and they have a little ceremony, but they swear you in and read to the rules and all that stuff. So I joined.

My father was a friar my whole life. I watched the O.J. Chase at the Friars Club. I watched, you know, the 86 Mets when the World Seas. series in that Friars Club. They had a they have a TV viewing room that's fantastic. You know, and the waiters are everywhere and fucking black jackets and bow ties getting your drinks. And and then my, I sponsored this woman Sarah Fearon, funny comedic actress, kind of quirky. And I, uh, I submitted her. She got accepted. She goes to the ceremony. She brings her friend Aaron. And I'm there and I talk to Aaron. She's with a guy. But I talked to her for like 20 minutes.

And then after the ceremony, I said to Sarah Fehran, I said, I'm going to marry your friend someday. And three years later, I started dating Aaron, took her to the Friars Club, proposed in the Milton Burl room. I proposed to her. She said yes. The rest is history.