The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - The CHURCH: BEST of GREG FITZSIMMONS, Vol. 2 | with JOEY DIAZ & LEE SYATT

Episode Date: September 11, 2023

The CHURCH: BEST of GREG FITZSIMMONS, Vol. 2 | with JOEY DIAZ & LEE SYATT   #228 - Recorded live on 11/05/2014 - https://youtu.be/fMfpq5nSut4 #336 - Recorded live on 11/25/2015 - https://youtube.com/live/PixZbBa_Azo #430 - Recorded live on 11/14/2016 - https://youtu.be/q1IVKjkHI0E #524 - Recorded live on 10/10/2017 - https://youtu.be/2y443WIRqlc #621 - Streamed live on 09/25/2018 - https://youtu.be/0anexYiUHB4 #726 - Uploaded on 10/09/2019 - https://youtu.be/ZByZJNYX7tA   This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT!   Go to https://www.onnit.com & Enter PROMO CODE: JOEY, JOINT or CHURCH The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz  #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #TheChurch #LeeSyatt #GregFitzsimmons

Two weeks ago, I went to my second show Friday night. A girl makes sure she comes to the thing. She's sitting at the table right where I was walking up. And this girl turns around and comes right to the thing and grabs me. And she looks at me. And I look at me. And I look at me. And I look at it on it.

She goes, hi, meet my husband. And she goes, Joey and I were friends years ago. We went out for a drink one after a comedy show and she looked at me and winked. And I looked at it and it was like I felt like somebody in the devil's advocate. See a movie when he, whenever it came up. The chick would tell, what's the name, Charlize Theron, would talk that they turned into a devil. And she goes, that was me that night when I saw it. And I remember the night where this chick took me home with a chubby chick.

This chick was banging fake tits. She said she dated David Lee Roth. She had pictures of David Lee Roth. I mean, the bitch was hot. I went back to the house. I had dead dick. I couldn't come. I couldn't.

My dick was small. It was embarrassing. But then I never forget that these two girls in front of me. I'm sitting there watching Conan O'Brien, make him believe. I'm not even seeing this. At this point, that's the other thing. At that point, when I would do coke, pussy would be second.

I was like those mice in the fucking cage. Yeah. That, you know, they're trying to feed them. They're trying to give them like fucking cheeseburger and fingers and shit, but they'd rather snort the Coke. That was me. And I remember them two chicks had a big black dildo,

like a big black with two heads on it, and one would fuck the one side and one would fuck the... And they're doing this in front of me, moaning, banging this thing. And I'm just sitting there watching Conan O'Brien, like they're not even in the fucking room. And then it just turned into a nightmare. The chubby chick wanted me to fuck. I had dead dick.

I tried to whack off. I ended up eating the fucking good-looking one. The chubby chick left. The good-looking one had a period. It was just a night from hell. But then me and the good-looking one hooked up the rest of the week. Yeah. And then on Sunday, she goes, there's something I got to tell you.

I'm getting married in two weeks. Wow. So today, when you go home, don't ever call my number again. No shit. And it was fucking traumatizing. I wasn't in love with her, but I couldn't believe that. You know, I'm a Catholic. I couldn't believe this chick was fucking going to get married.

Yeah. And we're fucking 60-year-old. Did you feel like you should maybe do her husband a favor and go tell him that he's about to step in shit? Fuck no. He probably knew. He was some type of weather man. So he got up early, so they had a deal.

They wouldn't see each other during the week. Yeah. So she was out. She had a father owned like some Audi import dealership or something. This girl had a Mercedes and Audi. She lived on the top floor of a building. She had a Coke. She had a rack with just Dom Perynian bottles in the fucking grass.

She was spoiled rich. She was spoiled rotten. So she would just go out every night and do blow. I remember she paid for the blow that night. This was a high-profile training. This is like that. Yeah, but it's weird how I sit back and go, I'm not even a good-looking guy. I had no money that night.

Oh, Joey. I was a feature act. I was probably making $550 a week. 300 of it. Went to a plane ticket. Yeah. $200 and went to a plane ticket. You know, they didn't give you a plane ticket back then as a feature act.

I had no money. I had no Mercedes. I had no clothes. I was just living on the road week to week. And this girl took me home for a week. We went to eat all the fine restaurants. She picked up every fucking tad. And she was younger than I was.

She was maybe, if I was 35 maybe, she was probably 27. Yeah. You know, it was embarrassing. What town was this? This is Miami. The only town shit like that happens. Yeah. You know, what happens?

Other places, but it's just amazing that you could be. When I left New Jersey, I was a criminal, but I wasn't a sex deviant. so I didn't know about all these sex things. Like, I really didn't know. I thought people just fucked and ate ass. Then I find out people get tied up and they put balls in their mouths and, you know, whip them and throw darts at them.

I didn't know that girl I dated. One day said to me, I don't know if you know this. The guy who put me through college. And I'm like, what are you talking about? And she goes, I used to have a sugar daddy for six years. He still sends me money. Six years. He put her through school.

Damn. And he would put her to school, pay her bills, college, everything, and once a week, she'd have to come over there and just go fucking off on his dick. He would bring other hookers over, and his whole thing was to see her eat another hooker, and him would jerk off on her back. I mean, and she would tell me these stories,

and my head would want to fuck, my soul would want to cry. Yeah. I'd never been involved in nothing like that. I never, two-on-one-one. I did one threesome. Yeah. I think I'd be too embarrassed to do a fucking threesome. What about you, Lou?

You ever do a threesome? No, but, like, I can imagine how, like, a good-looking girl would do that, that have a guy offered you to pay, especially now when college is going to cost you $200,000, not on top of rent. Well, right, Carrie did that. Oh, no, I got a buddy who's, he's got a lot of, you know, billionaire friends, and they've all got chicks set up, and one of Miami, one in New York, one in L.A., and they come to town, and they buy them an apartment, they release them a car, they throw them some money every

month, and they come to town, and it's like they drop whatever they're doing. That's the deal. Your mind for that week, could be two weeks, and then I may not see you, for six months, but for that time, you're going to be my dirty dog and you're going to walk, not only that, you're going to walk into restaurants. The money I gave you means you got some decent clothes to wear so that I can show up with you. And that's their deal. That's the deal.

And it goes on, like you said, six years, you know, he says these things go on for 10 years, women that are consistently living a life where they build into it that they're a prostitute for a little bit of time. And the rest of the time, they are. They're going to college where they're... that's her right there was he you get a neighbor I don't know

we never do them at this time so and so yeah and the rest of time they're married or maybe they've got a startup business they're trying to get going

but if this guy's good for you know 50 grand a year and taking care all their expenses they're like well you know I think it's everybody's got a relationship to their body you know like women either feel protective of their body

and it's like their soul in their body you're one or it's like my body is this thing that I don't really care about if a guy wants to get something from it he can and I'll gladly take money for it and like porn stars like they don't have any attachment to their bodies they can let

the things happen to their bodies and it doesn't affect them so then you get the Irish Irish girls who uh you just look at them and they got to go confess I'm an Irish girl type of guy yeah since day one I ended up with an Irish girl I got an Irish daughter right I

I love Irish girls. That's my all-time fucking favorite. I got an Irish one. Well, mine's half-Irish, half-Jewish. I love it. Oh, there you go, Lee. Yeah, the steak in this. I never did it.

I can't date, I mean, I'm surprised you did it in Irish woman because I can't date Jews because... You're full Irish? 100%. It just, it's too much, it reminds me too much of my mother. Yeah.

So I just can't. I mean, is that why you didn't date it like a... Like, when I started dating a Hispanic girl, you told me, like, right off, like, they're crazy. Like, I won't even do it. They're crazy. But I'm crazy. That's why it didn't work for me.

Yeah. A Hispanic girl, for it to really work. Like, I see a lot of Jews go for Hispanic chicks, and I see when a white guy dates a Hispanic chick, it tames them, it balances them off. Yeah. When you have two fire people, it doesn't work. Right.

I went through that one time with a Spanish girl, and that was two Spanish girls. One for about a year and one for like eight months, and it was horrible. I was always in an argument. I was always tensed up when I walked in the door. I don't want to be tensed up. I don't want to be tensed up at all.

when I walk in my house. In the back of your mind, you always think your first blowjob is going to be this fucking thing with angels and birds are getting shot out until the sky, you hear voices.

That never did. That shit never happened for me, you know? It was like... My first blowjob was just the opposite. It was this girl, Linda, and she was a great girl, but she'd been around town, you know.

She was confident. Big tits. She called him pride and joy. And she said to me, for my 16th birthday, She was going to give me the best blowjob I would ever have in my life. And she came over my house. Parents were out.

It's April. It's a nice spring day. I remember the windows open, little breeze coming in. Linda comes up to my room. And she takes my pants down herself. I try to take them off. She stops me. She takes them off.

Then she takes the underwear off. And then she works it. I didn't know that a blow job included ball licking, that that was an option. I didn't know that it's sort of. I didn't know that there was two hands could be cranked on the base. A decent size. And she worked it, and there was eye contact. There was intent eye contact throughout.

Checking in. She wanted to know how I was doing every second. I'd be so fucking embarrassed. Oh, it was unbelievable. Post-coital. I cuddled with her after the blow job. And I feel for you, Joey, that that had to be your first blow job. I got to ask you some.

where is she today? She has kids and she lives a couple towns over from where we grew up. I think she did well. I think she married well. You still keep in touch with time to time send her a little Facebook.

It's always good to hit one of those freaks on the Facebook and give them like a little reminder. I have one I'm working now not because I want to sleep, but I'm not just because she was such a savage and such an animal. And now she's got a kid

But I want to remind you that she's such an animal. So I post this New Jersey. First of all, the last time I had seen this girl was when Doug Flewley threw the touchdown. And it was just a horror show. I robbed Louis Donato. At this time, she was Louis' boss. She was Louis's...

What is that, Nanny? And I saw her at Corkies, and this bitch had a body. They called a Lori Jack because they said, you know, in those days, she's got the Jack. Yeah. Everybody said she had something. ACDC wrote a song call.

She's got the jack, which implied she had like AIDS. Not AIDS at that time, but like... Gonorrhea, chlamydia, and all that. No, there wasn't even chlamydia in 79. In 79 it was just syphilis, and something came out of your dick. That's it. All of a sudden, over the years, they've added all these dimensions and names to throw you all. It all started with funk.

The head of your dick swells up. Blood comes out, you know what I'm saying? The nuts are purple. You go crazy. Yeah, the good ones, you go crazy. Oh, my God. You sit there and go, what did I fuck? What type of animal did I fuck?

What planet is she from? Yeah. And I'll tell you something, knock on wood, I can be honest on this show. It never happened to me. I just, I don't know. I had crabs. I've gotten crabs. And then I was fucking around with these dirty college girls.

When you mess around with college girls, bro, you're always going to get something. You're fucking the whole campus. Yeah, you get foot fungus, something. I had this little leakage coming out of my helmet. Yeah. And then I noticed that both of them, like when I was sleeping with one for a little, a while and then she moved and I started sleeping with the other one. Both of them had this

like white leakage from their little monkey. It was chlamydia but I wasn't going to embarrass him and tell them I'd just get wiped it and kept eating that ass. You know me? This got nothing to do with Uncle Joey. It's like finding a hair in your hamburger. Yeah, who gets a fuck? You know, people send their hamburger back.

Come on. Before you send them hamburger back, think back of how many assholes you lick. Right or wrong. You ever get these motherfuckers? There was hair and my food. Come here. Let me talk to you. You take the hair out on your proceed. You're going to send the sandwich back, and now they're going to spit in it.

You know, because that's what you do. And somebody says, there's a hair in your food. What's wrong with hair? Let me put a fucking Coke snack from Tuesday in that motherfucker. Wait until you crunch into that and think it's a grape. I got a hemorrhoid. I'm going to rub the hemorrhoid on your French fry. Not even.

You squeeze the hemorrhoid, you get that hemorrhoid juice. It's like that black fucking tart. It comes out. They think it's romolade sauce, these fucking jerk. fucking Gentiles. But that shit drives me crazy when people act like that. Oh, well, you know, they'll stop. Yeah.

My fucking assholes. No, and I don't even like the guy that has them pour a half a glass of wine. Pour the fucking wine and drink the wine. What are you going to drink? You're going to take a sip from half a glass and swish it around and then say no? I'm sorry about. Caesar wants you. Caesar wants you to bring forth another glass of wine.

Fuck you. I got to tell you guys. You know what? My mom bought some wine this week. She's out for Thanksgiving. She went to Ralph's and bought some wine. And next night I come home and I go, Mom, what do you get five ice cubes in your wine for? She goes, it's shit wine. And it's like, buy another fucking bottle of wine. She's like, nah, finish this one.

Club W. But here's the crazy thing. That culture never was sold to me. Okay, Lee, you're a very young man. My man, Irish is younger than I am. I came from a culture. Family affair. Court Chippevetti's father, room 2-2-2, combat, you know, all those shows,

when men had a conversation in the 60s and 70s, in the early, late 60s and 70s, on television, on CBS, NBC, or ABC, when two men had a conversation, there was always a bottle on the table with no label on it, there was a bucket with ice cubes with prong, and as soon as two men walked in her room, What are we going to do about the Diaz situation? Well, the first thing I did in this late 60s and early 70s

was to turn around, okay? Without even eye contact, without offering. You didn't even offer in this time in the United States. You turned around, you took two glasses, you'd put an ice cube in each, right on TV while the camera was rolling, and he was saying his stupid fucking lines about how the world's going to end, and if the Russians don't go out to the fallout shelter, and they'd always pour from a bottle, which you assume was whiskey,

correct? Always. Do you remember this as a young man? Something, and they gave it to everybody, and everybody, they didn't go, cheers or salute,

or they just drank it, and they discussed their situation, and throughout the show, drinking was always acceptable. Yeah. As a young man, for me, for me,

that made my dick hard. My mom had a bar. You know what, next week when I go down there, I'm going to get a fucking drink with an ice cube. How old are you at this point? Five, six.

You know me, dog. It looks cool, I understand. It looks fucking tremendously cool. What kid doesn't get, what kid doesn't look at that and go, I can't wait to be fucking 18 to do that, to drink a fucking shot. I remember being a kid, we had these shrimp cocktail glass.

My parents would buy a six pack of shrimp cocktails from the AMP, right? Remember those? And you wash them out, you keep the glasses. You wash them out and you keep the glasses. And it's about the size of a scotch glass. So I remember me and my brother says, We'd put one ice cube in, we'd put some Coca-Cola on top, and we'd walk around the house like we were in fucking madmen.

No shit. Sipping it. Sipping it. You know, and then we'd roll up pieces of paper. My parents, my dad smoked three and a half packs a day. We'd roll up pieces of paper. We'd dangle them out of our mouths, and we'd drink Coke with an ice cube. There you go, America.

So you were, I don't know. It was like alcoholism was acceptable. Okay. Whatever. Now my mom had a bar. I got drunk one time, shit in my pants. They found me in a closet. was the end of my alcoholism career.

Did you know that? That was it? That was it. My mom had a thing before she'd go to bed. She'd do a little shot of wine. I scoped the fucking red Italian wine. Once she fell asleep, I went. I drank the whole bottle of wine.

My mom got up. Hos Antonio. Hos Antonio, no? Hos Antonio. She's down 9-1-1. The cops came. They found me in a closet, puked, shit all over the place.

How old were you? Four, five. That was the end of my alcoholism career, right? That's it. That's it. You shit, your fans. Everything. They were shit on my feet. They had to put me in the tub.

I slept for two days. You know, it's always been a fucking disaster. And that was it. And you never drank since? No, I've tried. I've fucking tried. I've tried. What was that movie?

Oh, um, the town. Okay, the. Blake lively. That broad played it to the fucking hilt. Just a dirty Irish girl. The bar that goes out every night for a good time. I love those girls. Yeah.

I love those. The only makeup is just some blue one of the eyes. And you're not going to fucking tell them not to go out every night. Yeah. That's going to stop right there because they'll knock the fuck out of you. You just take them home three nights a week and you have a great time with him. They puke. They always puke after you give them a stabbing, right?

Then you got to kiss them and shit. You don't give a fuck by that point. You did what you had to do and shit. They wake up. What happened? I don't know what happened. They wake up. You're down at the bottom of the bed, licking their dirty feet.

Oh, loving every fucking minute. I don't lick toes. I don't lick toes. That's disgusting. And I like the dirty feet, but once we get in the bed, you got to wash those hooves. I can't have those dirty hoops on my bed. Do you wash their feet? I got a fun, no, no, no.

What am I? Jesus. I'm not a fun guy toadst. I got a fun guy toe myself. I'm walking around with duct tape on and shit. Sometimes I get radio waves. I'm like a fucking antenna now with my little fungi fucking toe. You got to get those sneakers with the toes cut out of them?

This fungi toe is killing me. Because like for six months, it'll just throb at night. The fungi comes alive. It hurts? Yeah. I thought it was just growing like an ecosystem. So again, this weekend, I go in the tub and I just sit there for, like, I only do it in hotels. I bring the heavy duty artillery to the hotels and shit.

The industrial nail cutters and the shit you clean the fungi. So I go in the tub, I soak that shit. I cut those nails, I take them and I sniff them real good. Do you save it for after the show? I leave them for the maid. I put it 20 right on top. There you go. Have a party.

Cucksucker. She comes in the room. She listens to the cuts. There's a thousand little fucking fungi nails everywhere. All different colors. Green, purple. They like the gay flag. They cut holes in the fucking cushions.

Jesus. Oh, my God. Sometimes I cut him and poke my wife with them. I was telling me, I'll just poke it. And she'd go, what the fuck is that? It's a fungi nail. Keep it up. It's like a snake tooth.

She's going to get an infection from what's ever on the fucking. I'll take this to a concert. I'll stab like 18 people. 16 will start scratch it within minutes. That's what I should do. Take a fungi nail out and do a show. It's me stabbing people with my fungi nail. Can I stab you with my fungi nails?

You got someone to eat it. Oh, that's it. I'm going to let them grow. I'm going to let them grow. I used to date this girl. She used to grow up in a cult. One of the jobs she had to do was cut the fucking master's toenails. And I go, what do you mean?

And she goes, they grew over his toe. So once a week, we'd have to go upstairs. He weighed like 500 pounds. They all had to suck his dick. No shit. He fucked all their moms. It's a horrible school. How old was she?

14. Yeah, she basically grew up in that fucking cult. And she still talks to her parents. I would fucking chipping with my brothers and having them hit by a truck. Yeah, right. You know what I'm saying, you dirty motherfuckers. You want to be freaks and move into a cult. Do it on your own.

time leave me with my aunt who goes to church on Sundays you know you know take me with you some fat fuck's house he's gonna fuck us all in the ass and the father's sleeping at night while everybody's getting fucked including his wife because they had seven kids but three of them belonged to the cult leader oh no shit but they took them with them and sold them as their own and when you see the whole family together sold them like you know they sold them the story that they were parents you're crazy were you dead so four kids have a lot of teeth and the other three kids are just sitting there fucking with regular fucking smiles you know what I'm saying and nobody's smiling everybody's frowning

yeah because everybody's confused why does he have blonde hair what a shame in this country oh my god the cults it's part of it seems appealing to me at this point you know to start a cult I just need to come up with some crazy shit you know like I think I think I would run a good cult what qualifies it as a cult you can't leave Okay. Oh, shit, you can't. Yeah. No, you got to stick around. But I think that I wouldn't fuck the girls. I'd let everybody get laid, you know, and I think we'd raise some money.

But I wouldn't hog it. Spread it around. Let everybody have some fun. But get a fucking, get some land, build some cabins. A lot of nudity. Good music. A lot of doors. The doors? The doors. That's what we had on today.

L.A. Woman. What a phenomenal album. It's a great album. That really is a good father. fucking album man yeah they produced good albums in the studio let me tell you something growing up that album irritated me to no end my mom wouldn't listen to the whole album she just listened to LA woman over and over and over LA woman is how I learn how to speak Spanish in a way oh yeah because she'd play it and make me dance for the other women in the room like they play cards and shit my mom would pull out

LA woman that sounds like a cult but it wasn't a cult it was a bunch of crazy human woman playing cards and snort and blow in the 70s. And it's crazy how when I was 13, I picked up the album on my own. And I would play it. My mom was like, I thought you didn't like this shit. I go, no, I hated it because you tell me how hot Jim Morrison was. When you're fucking five, you don't want to hear about a hot guy. And my mom would say someday I'm going to meet Jim Morrison and just eat them.

In Spanish, she would say, Malau-Mekumpa. And I would go, what the fuck are you talking about? Wow. You know, Cuban women loved Steve McQueen and Jim Morrison. They loved Rock Hudson until they found out he was gay. Not in 85. They knew in the 60s Rock was gay in the 50s.

When he would go to Cuba, that's where he would go to escape, to be gay. Because you could be gay in Cuba? In the 50s, you were a celebrity. So I could bring Joe Fag as my assistant, get two rooms, but he's not there to sleep in that room. He's over in the room with me, rubbing my fucking funk. guy toe now and sucking my toe and sucking my balls and you know what I'm saying his tongue would be by bidet yeah yeah and he's making eye contact yeah you know that's how rock

hudson I remember when I was a kid my mom used to always tell me that that rock Hudson was gay yeah and I would go fucking how do you know that and when I got older like two years before she died she was how do I know I'm gonna tell you whenever rock Hudson came to town it was a big deal so I was a young girl we'd all go down there and wait for him he would stay locked up with the guy all weekend who wouldn't who would go to Cuba not go out yeah that's why you went to Cuba to see the fucking dancing and the Spanish women and the fucking mulata's dancing

and fucking Benny Murray singing and you gamble he wouldn't leave the fucking hotel yeah and I would look at my mom and go you know what you're fucking crazy you're crazy she dies six years later he's got AIDS yeah and I'm like fucking lady was telling me the truth. Yeah. Because when they were little girls, it was like when Michael Jackson went to London and hung his

kid outside the window. There was 2,000 people waiting. Same thing. It's fucking Rock Hudson. You're a Cuban girl. You're fucking 12, 13 years old. And Rock Hudson, the biggest fucking star in American Peliculus, is coming to fucking Cuba.

What's Cuba, the size of Bayonne? Yeah. Everybody knows if you're coming. Once you land at the airport, you know, Sinatra's in town. You knew. Yeah. So you went down there. That's what happened to the Bay of Pigs.

You guys figured it out. Who the fuck knows? Yeah. What's up, Lee? How you feeling, dog? I'm feeling good. We went to legal seafood like 18 times. Oh, you know what?

I was going to talk about... I want to thank legal seafoods for fucking taking good care of me. Go ahead. Oh, okay. That was actually one of my favorite parts. Not just legal seafoods, Bill, the bartender. I'm not even a drinker. But my dad always used to take me to the bar.

We always used to eat at the bar, sushi bar, any bar. and I miss guys like Bill who just like have like a regular conversation we eat up bars a lot bro he came to our table when we didn't sit at the bar like he became our friend I met some great people in Boston the star of my world

was the hotel manager Margaret the restaurant manager yeah she was as beautiful as she was smart and fucking she was 24 years old she started there as a bus girl Boston accent Yeah, dirty girl

Yeah Dirty Irish girl But beautiful boyfriend You know just set One of those girls that you look at And she'll be married in three years We just spoke about the internet And her other business

Was the internet That's what she really wanted That's what she went to college for She was trying to sell products on there And we just spoke about that But both conversations left me fucking Like wow You know

Finally you meet somebody who's dynamite Then the bar Bill, from the fucking first day I got there, my name is Bill. Who fucking introduces himself anymore? Oh, you mean he was behind the bar? He was behind the bar. And he came right over, gave me a menu and put his hand there.

Fucking guys, what, 6-4, 265, hands that'll fucking crush your head. Bald, old, you know, he don't need much. All he needs is one good fucking shot to your head. And you're hearing fucking a Boston Red Sox game. And it's fucking January. And you got like, at the plate, it's a big poppy. Yeah, you can put it. You can put a lipstick on a pig.

Absolutely. Once I see the lipstick, yeah, I'm dumb. That's when I told the side kick of death and I run the fuck out of there. And then the cops come and I tell him he tried to suck my dick. No, I didn't, but you got a lipstick on it. I mean, it's not like the only old fucking hot dog eating contest. You know what I'm saying?

They're going to check your dick for lipstick. See whether or not you. One day, I went to Jitsu, like two days in the race. and I couldn't walk. Yeah. And I got up that morning I knew exactly what time it was. I went, I dropped mercy off,

I got breakfast, I sent to me emails, and at 11 o'clock I went over there. I walk over there, and every China guy is busy. But the best one over there's the girl. She's like a weightlifter. Yeah.

Chinese weightlifter. Yeah. She's strong and she's very sweet. I really like. And the guys are cool too. But don't go on Wednesday. She's not out there on Wednesdays. And I went in there,

I've been going there, and I took my wife there when she heard it back, and now we go together, and it's a great time. They've got a TV. We watch Law & Order. Chinese people love Law & Order SVU. They love it. Black people like Red Lobster. Chinese people love Law &A SVU.

Go to any Chinese restaurant. They got SVU on trying to figure out the crime. Oh, they know it already. They wrote the script. You know what I'm saying? These New York cops, they're looking for details. They know exactly who raped abroad. It was fucking Chinese people.

They're savages. You go down to Chinatown. That's what it, when they're really stuck, they take that fucking... So I go over there at one day, about 2.30. This was like a... Like I was high, and I was kind of bored. I said, me go get a fucking massage. Yeah.

I'm going to do this. I had to fly the next day, something. And I went over there. This had to be four months ago. And I went over there, and there was no parking in the fucking thing. And there was no parking on that street. Yeah. And I was like,

fucked. So I found parking like a block away. I walked over, sure enough. Come back in 25 minutes. Or sit for 25 minutes. I go, fuck this. And I go, there got to be another one of these that don't want to fucking suck your dick. You know what I'm saying? And I went

down Lancasham and I made a U-turn. I saw like two of them. I went to the Taiwan first and the chick was too brown for me. Like she was something was wrong with her. She had gotten like somebody left her under the fucking sunt tan. I went.

For three days something was wrong with this chick. Wait a minute. You won't go to a masseuse because she's too dark. No, no, no. I said the word wrong. She was something was wrong with her. Oh, okay. Something was wrong with her skin.

Right. And Greg didn't even get up when he saw the dude. She had to be. Right. I know. She had to be. No, no, I said it wrong. I'm very sorry if I insult anybody.

She was like those people that you put under a sun tanning thing. Yeah. And they've been under it for 30 years. Oh, like dried out. wrinkled. Like orange. It was orange. I never saw anybody that skin color, you know.

And I went in there and I just smelled the sperm. Yeah. I had a mild smell of sperm. You put out your black light. You get a creepy look on the face. And I just took a menu. I just said, look, I want to come back with my wife. I took a menu.

Okay, thank you. What time you open till? And I got in the car and I split. And there was one, two blocks down that I've always wanted to check out. I've been going to that fucking ha-ha but nine fucking years and that spot there, I've heard a thousand creepy stories,

but I've also heard that there's chicks in there that give great fucking massages. Yeah. I've heard prone conned that they try to give, no, no, I've heard both. Well, it took me three minutes to know.

I could smell the air of sperm. Oh, yeah. They were two chubby dudes sitting there waiting to get massages and they have like an embarrassed look on their face. Yeah. Like somebody would go, Joe, yeah, is that you?

These guys didn't want me to know who they were, And then they didn't want to know who the fuck I was. The lady said, you have like a 30 minute wait. I said, I'll be back. Pined. And that was it. My curiosity was settled.

Yeah, if this is a double door with a lock on it. I have friends. And you're paying between some bulletproof glass. Yeah, I have friends that go to those things. Something's got to be. Like, I don't try. Unless you have a condom, the whole sack and around the nuts, like the up to your stomach. I found something out.

What? Because you know how Red Band a while ago said the thing about Saran Wrap? Yeah. They do that because a condom in that place is like it shows what you're going in there for. So they get charged if you have condoms. That's why they have the saran wrap. What do they charge you with? I don't know.

Probably it has to be like, yeah, her for them. I don't know what it does for. Yeah, it's probably, you have to prostitution. Yeah, listen, I don't want nothing. Nothing with saran wrap. I got a wife, you know. I don't want nothing. You're going to put sarah wrap on.

There's a problem with your fucking life. You know what I'm saying? Well, they're going to suck your dick with saran wrap. rap you're going to stick it in a hole with saran wrap something is not psychologically corrected right i don't know i see them today i went and got gas just now yeah i got i left the house of the quarter two and as i was pumping gas there's one over there by my golf over there that's my favorite gas station across the mexican car wash across the potato tacos denis and the fucking massage parlor that massage parlor has been there since day one if you look

Look at it. You're like, they've killed people. Yeah. Like they've sent the Chinese mob boss in there, and they've stabbed them in there. Yeah. It's creepy. I've never, ever seen a customer. Oh, it's like on the side of the street.

Across the street from Scientology. Yeah. Yeah. It's been there, right, for 20 years. You've never seen. You have to stop there. That's the busiest light in the valley. So you always stop there.

You look around the gas station. You look at the Denny's. You look at the potato taco place. You look at the coffee place. You look at the car wash, then you look at the massage ball and go, who the fuck would step in debt? Yeah. It's in between like an engine rotary place and like a fucking something else.

It's like a lawyer or a travel agent or something? Something crazy. Yeah. And it just says massage. What the fucking thing? Now, what is Tom Arnold looking for with this fucking show? What is he looking for? I haven't seen it.

I just saw the commercial for it. He jumps on a desk. He's looking for a P-tape and all the missing tape. Yeah, I thought he was looking for the N-word tape. That's what it's... from the apprentice. From the apprentice, all that shit. What hurts them more?

The N-word tape getting out or the P-tape getting out? P-tape. None. That's also true. You know, they were talking about something. When we forget, as a country, is that we've hated every president to less. Since I came from Cuba, you motherfucker's been hating presents. Yeah.

All right? You hated Kennedy so much. You shot the motherfucker. Then you impeached Nixon, whatever. I mean, I still remember the name. night he fucking was on TV. I was a kid and I was crying. I really believed in America. How can I pray?

I didn't understand Watergate. I didn't understand none of that shit. But we're always crying. We've never been happy. The only way we're happy is if somebody brings us, we want the president that every day we wake up and there's a check that $20 in the mailbox. That's it. That's the only president we want.

Just puts a 20 in your mailbox every day. Unless it's that, we're always going to cry or complain about something. So you're trying to figure out listen dog if you put the fucking tape on in here all day if you just clicked on a tape recorder in here for a week the things you hear you mean before the podcast starts

before the podcast when I'm gonna get on myself when me and Lee sit here at night you could make millions listening to it but any of the listens to it knows that whatever is said isn't really coming from the heart first of all you're dealing 50% with a comedian 50% of our humor

some comedy which comes from pain when I found my mother on the floor and her arm was purple and I could see that by the shoulder it was just like you got hit with a train purple she had a massive heart attack I cracked a joke to myself so why wouldn't I crack a joke about anything else the most sacred thing in a man's life is his mother and I'll never forget to diffuse that shock I crack like a fucking joke yeah like I cracked the joke the joke to myself. She'll never know I got left back in the seventh grade. I knew it. Like, just stupid shit. Yeah.

Like I said, we got a thing sent to us from Reddit, like a thing. Oh, yeah. And the guy said that I made a joke about a Mexican little boy crying in a cage. And then you should have seen like 15 people said, but Joey forgets he's an immigrant.

I never forgot I was an immigrant. What convenience. What we say is the first when you see something, Greg Fitzsimmons. That first voice, that's the reaction the reaction the audience wants to hear.

We just don't have the balls to say. I'll never forget 9-11. 9-11 was on a Tuesday morning and Monday night I was at the store. And Paul Mooney was on stage and it was the week that the black guy was going to break the home run

record. Barry Bonds. Barry Bonds against the white dude. Mark McGuire. Oh, was it Sammy Sosa? No, no, no. No, it was Mark McGuire and the white dude going head of head. And I'll forget that he opened up, but they're never going to let that nigger break the record. Like, he just went off on a tangent, and he went off on it so deep that it actually went into my fucking subconscious, okay?

Like, they're never going to let that nigger hit a homeowner. That's never going to happen, homie. They're going to do something to make up that niggas, whatever, you know, return. So the next morning, I wake up to my wife going. and oh my god oh my god my wife was really like i had just gotten with her she was overly emotion and i'm waking up from a cocaine fucking hangover and i'm seeing the first tower go down and i'll never forget laying back down go mooney was right they're not going to let that nigger break the home run record because it was like on a tuesday when he was going to do it

that was the first thought that came to my head yeah then the second thought was the giants didn't cover last night. The Giants did not cover the night before. And I go, that's comedy. That's what you wanted to hear. Yeah, well, my dad died. They had a priest come by and say a few words, but he handed out a,

he handed out a, uh, the prayer on a piece of paper to everybody, like a little, like a little misselette. Because they know half the people aren't, you know, we're Irish Catholic, but there's some, there's some of the, uh, the other tribes snuck in. Some of my dad's friends that were Jewish. So they gave

gave them all a cheat sheet and we say the prayer and then we're done the priest goes okay if you could hand those back into the front again and i go i go he lived like he died like he lived cheap and uh and everybody started laughing and the priest got fucking pissed and i was like good you should get pissed collecting the fucking prayer that's the reaction that's the reaction yeah it's really weird that that's what comedy is comedy is your first the first thing you really sick to yourself. Yeah. That's the comedy. And then that thought,

your, uh, your smooth side, whenever that part of your brain comes in and smooths out the joke. And you say, you talk yourself out of doing the joke on stage that night.

But that first thing that comes to your mind, that's the joke they want to hear. Yeah. That takes you a long time because you know the balls to say it. But that's the truth. He kept saying that nigger ain't going to hit the home run. I never going to let them hit the home run. And as soon as the same,

that building got hit with the first plane. That's all I kept thinking about was he was fucking right. Because it was that night when he was going to do it, that Tuesday night. Yeah. Dude, I was on stage last Thursday night. And I did this joke. I did a stupid new joke. It wasn't like anything I thought much about.

It's probably not a joke I would have kept. But I just threw it out there because I had a piece of paper with new bits written on. And it was Thursday night. It was fucking 12 people there. Where was this? At the improv. And so I go And the joke was just

You know my nephew's complaining He can't get any pussy at college You know I said well don't worry about it I go I got this thing called the freshman 15 I go you find all those girls in the spring You're good to go And this girl this woman stands at middle age woman Fuck you

Fuck you with that fat shaming Misogynistic But I mean Joey she went zero to 60 She didn't she didn't ramp up The second I'd finish that joke She was on her feet screaming. The whole crowd turns around and looks at her like, what the fuck is?

Is this a terrorist attack? And the bounces come over? And I'm throwing gas on the fire because she's with her two daughters. I'm going, look at mommy getting thrown out of the dog. I go, that's how you burn calories. Getting that angry. And they drag her out, screaming.

And I have to finish. I got to do another 10 minutes. And the whole room is fucking awkward at this point. So I joke about it. I'm getting big laughs. But then I still got to eventually go back to my material. And so I come out front And I'm standing there talking Owen Smith and a couple of the people

And all of a sudden the woman comes out again Full head of steam again Fuck you You fucking you're not funny I would never fuck you I go what are you talking about And so I'm standing there And I'm going back and forth with her until I realize

She's not de-escalating Like her pitch is staying at 10 And I'm not going to stand on Melrose in front of the improv screen with this crazy lady for any longer. So I turn around, I walk away down the street to go to my car. But she's screaming at the back of my head and I feel like a bitch. Like I'm walking away from her. All the comics are watching. I'm not even turning around.

I'm just beelining back to my car. And so same thing. The next day it got tagged on some social media mine. And she wrote this fucking letter. The daughter wrote this letter saying that I was a misogynist when I was. said about her mom and blah blah and blew it all up and then of course all the comments are like i would have kicked his ass and all this shit like nobody they weren't there they're hearing a crazy and so uh yes it was a whole thing it was a whole thing what do you think of this thing

that's going on right now well but i could come out after 36 years and say that you choked me at a party or you show me a dick what the where are we going with this Well, this is what I was scared of. This is the first time that I, okay, so now it's not about what we did two years ago or that I showed you my dick in the room or nothing like that. Now it's something that happened. So for 36 years, while I was a judge, you didn't say nothing. And there's already women fucking saying no.

Like they don't even know the whole, nobody knows the whole story. Nobody was there. Well, I think that's a scary part is that just because of the, the way things are now is that not that they can't say it but everyone immediately goes guilty and you can't really recover from that. So I don't

have as much of a problem with them coming out if he did it. If they didn't do it like I think there should be a punishment if they didn't do it and have some repercussions for that but if he did it I don't have much as a problem with that but I just it's scary to think about like someone could just say anything online

and if you get enough people behind you no matter what the truth is People are always going to... Like I just saw one comic is going to be in Boston. It's pretty coming up. And they said, coming back after assault allegations, even though it came out that he didn't... No, he never did it.

I was like, that's crazy. Well, here's the problem, is that when there's a movement, there's momentum, and people get swept up into it. And that can be used for good. That can be used for bad. In this case, obviously, it's for good. You know, this movement is trying to... help women see that they should be believed when they come out, that we have to not

marginalize them right away. But then people get swept up in that and they suddenly go, oh, this is part of that, as opposed to let's judge each case on its own. Let's not say, oh, I'm already riled up because, you know, there's been all these cases that have been proven about men abusing women. So I'm already angry. And now, let's grab this guy and put him in that that same energy as opposed to let's look at this one individual case and try to judge it by those merits this morning i spoke to a friend of mine jo luci and i met jo luci probably in eighth grade and the band the area where he lived was the wildest area in my hometown there's five or six grammar schools that grammar school by far takes everybody away like they were doing shit and you're

eighth grade that nobody was doing in the town and everybody had a catch up over the years like they were the real deal they had the field they didn't just have lincoln school but they had the field they had the rocks and the rock they were on the rocks every night these guys which meant they were out there drinking smoking fucking ghetto blasters with music they were crazy you could on there four in the morning and five people like if we live downtown we go let's cut through 64th street field you'd find eight motherfuckers tripping on acid. I mean, they were just deep. And he goes, I'm coming to the show to see you in West Palm Beach,

and I'm bringing my wife. He goes, should I bring my daughters? What do you think? And I go, uh, no. I go unless you want them to know that I OD in your backyard. And me and it started howling. I went to his party. I was a junior in high school, and I went to his party like at 6 o'clock at night.

His party was started like at 4. the afternoon and I got there like at six with a gram a blow I was in high school and quailutes but there were the counter quailutes that's when I started eating the ones that people are making it home yeah which the table are crooked right which means that the the thing leaks into the bottom ones and these stay weak yeah so I ate one of the weak ones first and then I ate the second one and all I remember is waking up in an alley at four in the morning with drool and puke all over me and the next day hearing the stories yeah how are high school kids a lot to be drinking in from i mean obviously anyways but four p.m like when i did that we tried

to hide it his parents owned the bar oh my oh is that a bar his parents owned the bar so they was always they were always at the bar yeah so he would have parties in his basement that were just legendary but his legendary parties where where before concerts so i still remember going to his house. You ready for this, Joe Luch? August 4th of 1979. They would start at four. You'd get there there'd be a keg of beer and there'd be 12 guys and 12 girls or 20 girls or whatever the fuck and people were smoking, snort and blow, eating pills. And then in about 645, we'd walk the Kennedy Boulevard, take the bus into the city, and

walk the Madison Square Garden. Ficked up. Ficked up. And go watch. We went to see AC, D, C and Ted. And he said all that, he goes, that was a rough one. He goes, I remember just Angus running

through the audience on top of whatever's. But then, we all have the same trade. He goes, I started doing that tradition way before anybody before a concert, like meet at my house and three. He goes, the first party I had was Monday, December 6, 1976. And he's my age. So he had to be fucking 13.

He was 10, not 10, 13. And he goes, I went to see Black Ted Nugent open up a Black Sabbath when he released Free For All tour. And he goes, guess what else happened that night? The Cleveland Browns beat the whatever on Monday Night Football. I mean, that's how good his memory was. Yeah. Yeah.

But I was just thinking about how could you judge me from that night? Well, you can't judge somebody from what they did 30 years ago or I'd be under the prison. Beautiful story. Yeah. Now, can I ask you a question? Yeah. You're a pretty smart guy. We love each other.

We really do. I know what you're going to say right now. Why the fuck don't I want to go there? I got to call last night from Joshua. Let's start the story. the other day I'm watching TV We come back I'll show you the first new Hollywood

Marijuana Restaurant Cafe They flashed to it They show a bunch of white kids online Vaporing and they show people inside Ha ha ha ha and smoking a blunt And they got high-powered fans And right there

The foods all got pot in it I don't know I don't know but right then I knew like you would never see me close to that. Yeah. Like I knew what that decision. Last night I was talking to Josh Wolf and he goes Have you gone to it? Yeah, that's

great. And he goes You should go and I go, Josh, how long go I know you? You do know that I would never step foot in that fucking place. You know, I've been smoking dope since I was 12. I got nothing to prove to know, but I got to go down at a restaurant and smoke dope.

You show these assholes that I smoked dope and fuck out of my face. And that's all anyone's talking about is smoking dope every night. it's it's but no back to the why do I feel this way I mean you're a smart guy like I sit at home at nights like I schedule myself because I know I'm at an age I can't go out two nights in a row at the county store it's too much excitement for me yeah so now Thursday I'd rather go to the store Tuesday and Thursday and space it out but when I'm sitting at home Wednesday it's 8 o'clock my daughter's going to bed at 8 30 my wife doesn't give a Frenchman's

fuck what I do and I got 20 options and I don't want to do any of it's so weird not to offend you you know I dearly love you I've seen like pictures in the Friars Club and how they act and Billy Crystal I would stab myself in the eye after five minutes in that I don't like none of that shit yeah you know it's like I still remember wanting to go to Montreal so bad saving up the money and I talked slating to put me on during the dirty show and I took a flight to Detroit when I checked into the hotel room in Detroit because I was going to go to Montreal in the morning I was like who the fucking mind I go there didn't invite me I'm not a part of those people and even if I go there I don't want to be there like oh my god you have such a great time at the bar

yeah it's the same jerk as I could see on Tuesday at the comedy store right I just see them now getting drunk in there and there environment. I don't want to I don't know what it is about me like I do not want to go there. Well, you're an outsider. That's your that's your identity is you did it your way and maybe you weren't embraced by the mainstream. You weren't given those same kind of breaks that somebody else might have gotten and I don't know why. I mean some people could say it's maybe because people are afraid of you. You're you know you're aggressive on stage. You say shit nobody else says it's not politically correct could be racist you know you're not you're not white

and you know you're i'm not you're a felon dude too is it's an outlaw isn't the security that i have or is it a character that i've created for me it feels like i'm like i've always felt this way i remember the night you came down and this this might this might have felt like that environment to you is I was doing a I do a benefit show every year for the best buddies we're doing it the improv and it was like for whatever reason I ended up booking I usually book it because I'm at somebody's house and they got people over and I think oh I got to book this fucking thing except for you who I just call for anytime I do a benefit I call you straight out of the gate and I was there and so it was Zach Alfenakis and it was Sarah Silverman and I think it might have been Brian Pocene so it was kind of like I think it might have

represented like that kind of Largo world or that alternative. comedy world that maybe you never felt a part of. And I remember seeing you, you didn't come in the room, you were standing in the back, you don't want to come until you went on, and I think you were feeling like a little bit trepidacious, you know, and I hadn't seen you like that before. And you went on stage and you fucking ripped it apart and you were doing the bit about the chick pissing in your face and you just didn't give a fuck. And I'm sitting with them in the corner and I'm curious to see what their reaction is going to be to you, you know. Because this is not Largo.

This is not, you know, pro-feminist, you know, with their use. And they, their fucking jaws were slacked. They were like, what just blew on stage? What fucking storm just settled over the microphone of the improv now? And they fucking loved it. They were like, this is unbelievable. And I remember you walking out and I knew that, I don't know that you saw them or how they reacted. but I think you felt really good that you just did what you do

and that whatever anxiety you were feeling before, that didn't come on stage with you. It was pure Joey Diaz on that stage. Well, I always have anxiety. Yeah. You know, once I walk into the battle zone, the comedy store, the anxiety goes up 150%. Right.

It's like when Michael, you know, one of the greatest things about the Godfather is what, whatever the director was, or whatever the idea he got, when Michael goes into the bathroom before he shoots a lot. To get the gun, yeah, in the Bronx. To train.

That train. If I know Greg Critt Simmons is sitting in this office and I got to put a hit on Greg Fitzsimmons and I have to do it myself at 9 o'clock at night when he's doing a podcast with Lee, as I walk up those stairs, your adrenaline goes so high because I've been in that situation before where I robbed somebody or rob jewelry.

Anytime I did anything that was that creepy, like robbing a house or robbing a drug dealer, you go deaf. You hear a z-z-like, that's all I would hear. Like, your heart is pounding so much. There's so much adrenaline going into your body. that that's what you hear. You kind of hear a simulation of what Michael heard on that train.

The other than I went to the store. My wife made chicken collards for lunch. She went to church. She made chicken colors. When she came back, I had like two chicken colors. Like four or eight to chicken colors. She goes what do you want for dinner? She gave me the menu for dinner.

I was like, you know what? Don't worry about it. I got to go to the store anyway. I'll stop at Joe's pizza and get dinner. I'm just going to slice. I had 14 points left. So I get to the comedy store of the other night. Some dear kid that I've known for 20 years was talking to me.

I really couldn't hear him, even with the hearing aids on. I couldn't hear them. And to be honest, I didn't want to hear them. There's nothing to talk about. When I walked in, there was two boxes and chose pizza. On the piano, in the main room. I didn't eat. In the green room.

In the green room. Yeah. I didn't touch them. Right. You know, and I remember going on stage and getting it over with it. Then when I came back, I could hear the kid. Now I could have a conversation with him. Right.

Why are you talking to me? Right. I'm about to go to war. Yeah. What are you talking about? What? All I can hear, he sounded like Charlie Brown. And he kept talking until he finally got it, that this guy doesn't want to be bothering or he's not even hearing.

Yeah. I'm going up in the main room. I got no time but just more talk. Right. I don't give a fuck about whatever the fuck. Where we met. When I go to the... I did a guest spot on your show in St. Louis four years ago.

And you're supposed to remember. I got to jog my memory about somebody. It's like, dude, if I remembered you, it means you were memorable. If I don't remember you, let's not rehash something that wasn't that important in the first place. That's why I hate doing two shows. Because I want to talk to the people, not to the first show. The crap. But if you have a second show, you really can't.

Yeah. Because that's an hour of, all of a sudden it's fucking jeopardy. Right. You know, it's Wesley. Do you remember what you said in episode 274, The Rogan Podcast? Why did you say this on Greg Fitzsimmons' podcast? Just take the picture and shut your fucking mouth. I don't even know what the fuck I just said on stage and you want to know.

What's what the fucking questions? Right. Take the fucking picture. Right. And then they get the camera out and the fucking lock is on. The girlfriend's trying to open it. Yeah. She doesn't know the code. You just wait for eight minutes.

Yeah. With your stupid fucking question, which I have no idea what you're saying. We're in a room with 300 people on the line waiting to take pictures. I got no fucking idea what you said. Come over here. Let me put my arm around you. Let me give you a compliment. Take a picture.

Let's get the fuck out of here. Yeah. And then they come back and they tell your stories. I can't fucking hear you. Even with the fucking. earpiece I can't fucking hear you there's 300 people in the fucking room so before I go on like I really like the comedy store after my little Netflix debacle I made a decision I'm only going to the comedy store and I have a did like tonight I love my friends but you know what

leave me a fucking alone on Tuesday you don't want to come to the store on a Tuesday night it's chaos it's chaos it's too sold I shows in the main room one in the original room and three sold out shows in the belly room that's a total of 1,200 people in that building not to mention 100 comics lurking to suck on blood or the what the fuck they do down there and the staff and the waitresses you know you want to come down there on a fucking Tuesday night and talk I wanted to bring you a script you know what Tuesday night's my work night right you know what I like about Tuesday night what I told you that night when I called you when we saw magic

that night. I go in that I get two waters. I fucking get high. I take an edible sometimes and I want to sit in the original room and watch the three comics before me and I want to learn. I don't want to be bothered. Guess what? Get the fuck out of here with your stupid fucking questions. I'm watching

Ali Wong. Get the fuck out of here. Can I watch Ali Wong? It's okay. Yeah. I like when I see you. You just sit next to me. We hug your other and we both watch and laugh right right there's people that come I'll never forget one night I'm sitting in mind of my own business and somebody bent over and whispered in my ear who you're taking the Charlotte with you and I just gave him oh look like Val Kilmer gave that white guy at the diner and heat remember when the

guy's like man I had to go down