The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - The CHURCH: BEST of RALPHIE MAY, Vol. 2 | with JOEY DIAZ & LEE SYATT

Episode Date: August 7, 2023

#309 - Recorded live on 08/17/2015. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CsJSG4fX6IM&t=929s   #330 - Recorded live on 11/02/2015. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zbrxm5eO7sc&t=2s   #422 - Recorded live on 10/17/2016. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_AFQOVfWAaA   #449 - Recorded live on 01/23/2017. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4dhOA9LFOxM   #454 - Recorded live on 02/08/2017. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fNgneb51jTA   #487 - Recorded live on 06/05/2017 - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n3VSAbsQinw   This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT!   Go to https://www.onnit.com & Enter PROMO CODE: JOEY, JOINT or CHURCH The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz  #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #TheChurch #LeeSyatt #RalphieMay

to those two bumps because in the back of your head you know he's right Oh that's the fucking worst And he's not right about it Like I'm not saying you're right about everything Because no one's right about everything Nobody is

But when you like You've had a couple We've had a couple of those talks And during it you like you hate him It's brutal You hate and I think it's just Anybody who you hate Like when can like it's so

I like the most Nine out of ten men Are mad at their dads Because they confront us They're not doing that anymore You hate You hate the people growing up I hated my stepdad because he would break my shit.

He would break whatever move I made, he was two steps ahead of me. You always don't like the people. I grew up around people that in all those years I were fucking up, at the end of the night when I was coming down off the Coke, they said, listen, we had a great time and stuff. I got to talk to you. Somebody came and talked to me. They know that this guy, you robbed his house.

I don't mean to bring this up, but I didn't want to ruin your night last night. Sleep on the couch. Get up in the morning, and we got to handle this. And they're not telling me what to do. They're not asking me what to do. They're kind of hinting to me what the right thing to do. And I get pissed. One of the worst conversations I ever had was with Matt Wood.

When he came up to me at the Comedy Works, and he goes, why do you come here? Ralphie, 95. I'm ready to kill my ex-wife. I'm living in a basement. I have no food in the refrigerator. I'm sustaining just to do blow, pay my rent, and pay child support.

I'm lifting weights. I'm doing the right thing, but I'm on a fucking roll every night. And I would cancel all the time, the open mic. And this guy came up to me, and he goes, can I talk to you for a second? He's like, hey, man, why do you come down here? Why do you waste your time and that time?

He goes, let me be as honest I can with you. He goes, just being you, you're the funniest of all these open micers. God forbid you wrote a joke, forbid you showed up. Look at your t-shirt. You got a white t-shirt on. You got a white t-shirt on. Dog, my hands were fucking clenching to punch this guy in the mouth. And he goes, I'm not saying nothing bad about you. You're funny than these guys just being you. And you're throwing it away. I know you're doing blow. I know you don't do it here, but I know you don't. And this guy just read

me the rider. I walked to the bus in Denver around me and walked back to beat him up. And when I went back, God, let him know to get the fuck out of there. He got out of there. You know where I seen the guy again? Bumped into the guy again in 98 at the Brave Bull in, in O'Hambra. And I followed the guy that used to come out with the hat and go, hi. I like my wife, and I like my tits with brown coffee. The guy that was like a detective. Yeah.

Dwight something in the 80s and 90s. Yeah, Dwight Slate? No, no, Dwight Slate. The guy's from Portland. He was friends with Hicks. This is a different guy. Dwight something. and I followed him and ripped the room apart.

And he was back there with Brian Dunkelman. Oh. They had just moved to L.A. together. Man. And he came up to me. Those Bezos Del Mortis. And I pulled them aside. I go, Matt Wood.

And he hugged me and he goes, that was, he goes, I'm really proud. I go, you know why? Because that talk you had with me. And he took me outside. He goes, I was never more scared in my life, but you had to hear it. He goes, me, Todd, and a bunch of comics talked about it. And Todd didn't have the ball. to say something to you.

I thought you were going to punch me in the faith. I go, it changed my life. It changed who I am today. I'm in L.A. because of the fucking words you said to me. As much as I hated them that night, you know. You are, in my eyes, when I talk about headliners of this decade, you're the top guys I learned from. You have no time to slip. And the Godfather, there's a line that every time I hear it, I want to punch myself in the face.

And it's the fucking worst line you could ever say. But where I come from, it's true. Women and children could slip. Men don't slip. That's it. Yeah. Women and children can make a mistake. Men can't make mistakes.

We don't have, I don't have time to make a mistake anymore. I do not have time to do anything. We've got handed the keys to the castle, Ralphie, man. Yeah. Yeah. You and I have been handed the keys to the castle. Without a doubt. I haven't had a job in 20. 20 fucking years.

That's the queas. I never had had an answer to somebody. After I went to prison, I didn't like a man kicking my bed and telling me to wake up. Right.

I haven't had to answer to somebody or I haven't had to answer somebody since I was 15, but for a job to make a living. And somehow it came together, even when you were in your

fucking apartment over there, it always came together. As long as you were out every night, you were writing every night. You fucking hustle, right every day, work every night. Is it scary when you see

like how close it is? So I just did that seminar And now I'm trying to start doing more of them And I wasn't even really scared before the first But now that I'm like, oh, I could see my really enjoy doing it And now that I could see Not that it's going to be easy But I can see that I'm not

But it's possible Like after you guys do shows And you see that it's possible And you know that there's a ton of work to put in At least for me it got scarier I'll tell you what your market needs right now And this guy's a genius of getting a business for you but I think right now what you're doing

fuck these little comedians I think they're going to start a podcast they're going to start a podcast they know how to do it okay I think your people is like computer people tech people people who really are uncomfortable they don't know this world and they want to learn it from A to Z comics know this world

they have friends that are doing this right now every comic is doing this right now okay it's a it's you're going after pennies when you go after dollars it's just gonna take you a little work but when you strike one of those companies, you're going to hit. Oh, you mean go after companies, okay.

Go after fucking AT&T and go, how come AT&T does never podcast every week? Yeah, that's crazy. Talking about their services and what's going on with phones and technology and like, scientists, and answering people's problems and shit, yeah. That's where the dough is right now. That's your next move. That's who's at home going. Right now,

there's a board meeting going. We're losing 22% because we're not computer, we're not in a fucking computer. Savvy. Yeah. What is going on? Tell us about this Twitter. Look at fucking Amazon. Amazon today's getting slammed by fucking shit work conditions for people. I mean, they're keeping people working in fucking warehouses over 110 degrees with no breaks.

They time everything. They need some fucking counter that shit. I mean, I don't want to buy Amazon now. I mean, but if they would have a podcast that could explain it and tell me, hey, the air conditioning broke. You know, maybe I don't know the full context. Maybe the full context is not being reported. You know, those fucking news agencies There's always a fucking by the way. I'd like to hear the other guy's fucking side of this shit. All right?

And that's exactly what they need, Lee. That's a good point. You can fucking kill that shit, dude. You know, Ralphie, man, I gotta tell you. I'm sitting here across from you. And we'll end this podcast in a couple of minutes, but I got to tell you something.

It's, uh, I'm 52, man. I've had a great life. I laugh. I love being upset and then laughing. I live to laugh, people. I know sometimes I can, come across as a prick. I love

giggling and I love laughing. I have a lot of regrets in my life. I did a lot of fucked up things. I was talking about my godfather before. One of the biggest regrets I have, that we didn't have the money to do it, Ralphie. What a mistake that. What a mistake that we

could go back and rewire that apartment with a camera. Oh my God. We would have a show. And I'm telling you this. That would have been the all-time It would be... HBO's all-time greatest comedy show of him. And you can't. And you know what? I'm sitting here across from Ralphie. I'm listening to the story, and I'm like, I can't even go to HBO.

I'm telling him, I'm taking a Ralphie narrating a show about Adventures of a Fat Guy. And just even all that stuff, the tube, when you fell that time. Oh, falling on Gardner? Listen, I'm sitting here across in here. Okay. Not even Gardner, the thing you would tell him Lee about that. He's going on. You don't understand. This chick, this chick is living in his.

house. Before we're talking about the story, here's three guys trying to fuck the same chick. It's miserable. I'm the only one not trying to fuck her. But you wanted to fuck if your face fell into the asshole, it wouldn't be... It wouldn't have been the worst thing. It wouldn't have been the worst thing.

So something happened. They're having an argument. You cannot write this, Lee Syatt. This is an apartment that's living on whatever Ralphie's society. I'm living off Ralphie. I got a little bit of coke in my pocket. Ralphie's making...

Bloody Marys. Bloody Marys. And we're going over there. We're hitting this every night. Red devil. Everybody knew that at two in the morning after the kind of store. Boom, the party was in my apartment. The Red Devil, Ricky Cruz.

Babeloo. Babeloo. You know. And we just talked shit. The producer. Somebody would have a joint. Somebody wouldn't have a joint. But this one night it was just me.

We always had weed. And we were drinking bloody marries. And we're giggling. And Jody says something to Ralphie to piss them off. And there was a big Japanese lamp in the kitchen. All right And Foco here sits down And she pisses him off

And he sits in the position And something happened That the light got a little lower And he's fucking saying shit to her With his face red, right? He's like, fuck you. This is my house Don't you ever talk to me like this?

This is my fucking house Can you believe this, Coco? She's my guest And she's talking to me like this. This is my vodka. Something. And he, in the middle of his rage, he's like, ah!

And he's stop. because the light bulb was burning his head. It burned my hair. You can't write that. You cannot write that. That's Inspector Cluzzo type shit. I had to wear I had for like three weeks. I was like Junior Judge Wolf.

I always had a head on. You busted that toilet in your house. Don't burn it. No, no. It was Gavin's. It was Gavin's. You fucked up Gavin. I was fucking Slim Jim McGoo.

Stop. Stop. And you also shit in Gavin's shower. And then push it down with your toes. motherfucker. Okay, I know the real you, coke out. All right, you can bullshit with these other faggots, but I'm bona fide.

Okay, I was there at the beginning. Okay, I was mugged. You have no idea. Lighting the bum on fire. You lighting the bum. Eating people's pussy. If that apartment building had a fucking camera on it. Oh, my God. We would be

multi-millionaires. I tell the story that I brought shame of there and she was giving these people drug dealers wanted to fuck shamer. Oh, so hard. And I left her downstairs in Gavin's apartment. Gavin and the Armenian. Oh, and she's dancing.

And she's dancing telling the SPN stories. And I come back at 5 and there's one guy left. Doing them horrible and precious. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Every time they give her a lot of time. She's got garbage.

Bro, she's up-cooked out. I'm stoned. Oh, my God. And this Disney bitch breaks out into like... Joe Pesci and shit. You have no idea. Like, hey, shut up, bitch. Dance.

Take them tennies out. Okay? That's what she told her. Did you remember that? You fucking told her. Goes, yeah, whatever, bitch. Take them titties out. I love to.

I always love her. I still talk to when I go to Vegas. Is she in Vegas now? She's in Vegas. That's awesome. She is so cool. She's doing good. She opens for everybody.

She got a little gig. She's a, She's making a fucking mince. She's 45. She dances in a cage of a lesbian bar. And she looks like she's like 26. Yeah, she's 20. She dances at a fucking lesbian ball.

But she keeps marrying gay guys by mistake. What? She hooked up with that dude in Alaska. I had to do this gig. What? Listen to me. About 15 years ago, I got to do this gig. She married a gay dude?

Listen to me. I had to do this gig in Alaska one time. At Chilku Charlies? And one of those, for one of those people. And I canceled. I got like the stupid TV show or something for NBC. and I had it cancel and she went up there and met a

a go-go dance like a male dance and they fell in love and she put his name on her little pussy and then they moved back to LA and they were in love and he was like he was like unemployed

but he always came up a little bit of money and she was dating him for like two years they were in love and then one day she wanted his email and she saw an email from old dudes that he would go to their house in the afternoon and put like a big guy

Keeney and he would dance for old dudes and shit and he would get like 50 bucks and do met so she threw him out and she was heartbroken because she always makes fucked up choices. I've told this story before. God bless you. That's so hard. Somebody tells me this is the name of the guy that she's got on her pussy.

This guy is a go-go dancer for old dudes and he's smoking meth so she throws him she throws him out. I hear about this about a month later. Is that right now? No, no, no. I bump into her and she says to me, how you doing, blah, blah, blah, we're going back and forth. And I go, hey. And I knew what the guy's name was, but you know me, though, so how's Mark doing?

And she gets kind of sad. She goes, I'm not with Mark anymore. That's a shame. I go, listen, I know this old dude. You know what, you know what, Shaybo? You got to give it up to her. She is a queen of a ball buster. She will give it, but she will

fucking take it. I tell you what, she takes it better than a lot of fucking bona fide by grown men. She's always that, well, she came up. She's fucking funny. She came up at the comedy store. She came up at a fucking comedy club. Her mother's a biker. Her mother's Gemma.

Did you know that? Her mother's like Gemma. She was telling me stories, showing me pictures one time in the house. Her mother's like Gemma. And she's half Arab. I didn't know that. Yeah, she's Arabian. She's like, Jesus, she's beautiful.

She's beautiful. I tell you, if you look at it, you think that she had plastic surgery, and you're like, but you realize it's just natural. She glows. It all enhances you. You're on the roll. You're smoking. You're smoking.

And also I'm smoking the cigarette in the back alley of 1440. Okay. Okay. I love this. Okay. Okay. Right. But this is, no, this is, yes.

This is across the hall. Okay. So the window's open. I'm smoking cigarettes like a motherfucker. I'm smoking cigarettes. I'm chasing joints with cigarettes. You know me, Doug. I'm on deep.

It's 9.30 in the morning. I'm on the third joint. I'm on a pack of cigarettes and shit, camel lights. And I'm throwing these cigarettes out the window, half lit on fire, right? And all of a sudden, you hear, ah. Now, I did not know there was anybody out there. I hear, ah.

I go, what the fuck? And I keep hearing this. Who the fuck lit me on fire? And I'm sitting there. Who lights somebody on fire? And I go, I did. And I look at the window and there's the guy fucking smoking his shirt or something. His clothes are smoking the poor fucking guy.

I go home. The cops don't come. Nobody knows nothing. I'm at El Compagra that night getting a package. It's about 10 o'clock at night. I walk back. And there's the same homeless guy with a blank. and you can see the hall of my blanket where the cigarette birthed just caught on fire and went

you said a bum on fire! I was right across the hall and the fire apartment did come by. Oh my god. I didn't see anybody, I go, I don't know nothing, that fucking bum, probably somebody just driving through that fucking alley flicked it on him. Oh my god. Get that dirty bum the fuck out of our house. Guys, I feel bad. A little bit.

Once I saw the blanket, I felt a little bad. One time... Did you get a new blanket at least? No, one time I had this. Not a little fucking blanket. I'm lucky I had a blanket myself. I was snorting my blanket. I was about to snort my blanket.

I had a choice. A, a blanket was snort my phone. You have my footie. Oh, my God. I had a blanket that... I can't believe you just brought up a blanket. Okay, let me tell you something. You had what?

Let me tell you something, though. In 1983... It was maroon on one side and tan on the inside. The one that had... Yeah, in my house. The brown one. Yes. Okay, let me tell you something

about that brown fucking lion, okay? Let me tell you something interesting about that brown lion. I got that brown lion. That brown lion, I got that brown lion at a Kmart May of 1984. That's it.

It took me five years, but I did it. I got my own apartment. And I got an apartment on 48th Street, 46th Street, Northburg, and 44th Street. I got a one-bedroom studio on the first floor.

When I didn't pay rent, I could sneak into the front window. It was perfect. I was there for about four months, five months, and they evicted me. But right before I moved in there, I wanted to go straight, so I bought this blanket in 1995. I mean, it was, no, no, $9.99. It was the cheapest fucking $9.99. I washed that blanket.

I got evicted from that place. I was homeless. I went to California and came back I caused wars that summer I went to Miami, came back the whole time that blanket was at the bottom of my travel bag I had an army bag

and that fucking thing was at the bottom some places I went they had a blanket I didn't use it I always had a blanket like a biker you ever see a biker Yeah man they always got a blanket I had that fucking blanket I had that blanket when I was living

in the fucking rocket ship I would take it back to runnies and put it in a little corner and leave it in there that night go take the fucking blanket when I moved into the hotel in 84 when I was homeless and I got into the hotel I went and got that blanket and when I beat Joel for the 1500 I had that blanket I took that blanket with me that blanket was with me from the desolate time of my life in that rocket ship to 1999 when that fucking car got towed that car that blanket was

Even with me when I went to prison, I left it in that room and nobody fucking touched that blanket. That blanket was 995 in 1984. And I had that blanket for what? Fifteen fucking years. And that blanket was the warmest blankets I ever had. It was a bear. Okay? And on the inside, it was the bear with brown and yellow.

And on the outside, it was the bear with yellow and brown. You follow me? Yeah. And then the outside of it was fucking brown. So for $9.95 at fucking Kmart, I bought a blanket that went through fucking hell with me and back, Jack. A marriage, a divorce. When we were married, she wanted to throw it away.

I go, don't fucking ever throw that fucking thing away. That thing was in Miami. I slept behind a fucking McDonald's with that thing. Because in those days, I would just take the fucking clothes out of the Army bag, Take the fucking blanket out. Put the clothes back in, use that as a pillow, and put that blanket on top of me, gee. That was an all-purpose army bag I had.

I had a little bit of water. I had a razor blade for blow. I had a fucking wrench in there. I had to break a window for a car. Oh, no, no. Lee, that fucking blanket was there with me. And that blanket, I would just wash it. Yeah.

All that blanket wanted was my love, and I lost it when that fucking car got towed and very nice. It was in the trunk of that fucking blanket That blanket was on the road with me all those years On triple runs Whenever I got a hotel room That blanket came into the hotel room I threw the blanket off

And I used that fucking blanket Have you look for it online The same blanket? Yeah It wouldn't be the same Lee Why would I want the same blanket It wouldn't be the same That blanket was with me through fucking wars

When I lost that car That was the hardest thing about that toe When I got that car That car got towed? Like, I thought it was cute. Is that the car that I got my car towed to get all your shit out? No. It wasn't that time.

No, no, no, no, no. This was a car that mani gave Josh Wolfe. Yeah, yeah. I got you. I got you. No, I never got my shit out of it. I got my car to get all your shit out because they wouldn't let you in the lot. Yeah, but they wouldn't let me in the car.

It was fucking crazy. All I could get was the back seat and some of the front. Yeah, no, no, it was nothing. Head shots, boxing gloves. Oh, yeah. Blankets. fucking pictures when I was a kid. I had shit in that fucking car they took.

And sometimes, you know, until this day, I was just thinking that blanket yesterday, going, Jesus Christ, how long did I have that goddamn blanket for? I wish that, that blanket, fuck, I would have taken it to the next eternity with me. That's how, that's what that book. Let me tell you how deep that blanket went.

In 1985, in February, in 1985, I looked at that blanket one I go, there's something wrong with that blanket. There were crabs on that blanket. I had crabs and gave it to the blanket. You understand me? Who the fuck gives crabs to that blanket? I did.

Where's Tony Bennett? It's $55 for standing room only at the Canyon Club for a YouTube tribute band. Oh, my God. Who would pay that? I don't know. I got to get their fucking emails. No shit. Them fucking morons.

Oh, my God. I went to see the two, oh my God, they were so amazing. Oh my God, they're just tricking people like me who didn't know. Yeah, you'd be up there. YouTube Bono! And it's so fucking chubby dude. How much they want for tickets? And at the Rose Bowl, they won $250.

Oh. I told you. The Rose Bowl is fucking huge, man. It holds, was it, was it a whole $60,000? 70,000? Oh, my God. Hold on a second. Yeah, look at the price of these tickets.

This is California. And that was for general admission below. Up top, they went, I'm sorry, 430. I guess maybe that's a better angle. I don't know. It's saying. Yeah, they're retiring. Oh, my God.

Do you want to confirm this? Just think something, make sure I'm more. No, no, you're on the Rose Bowl. That's the right. I mean, I was like 55. I don't think so. Where has America gone? This is why I'm watching Cheers.

Okay. Leave me alone. Let me alone. Let me alone. Well, no, I'm saying it's the same thing. It's the same time period in a way. What time period? Not exactly, but like that.

Are they listened to YouTube on Cheers? No. Well, maybe 80s, 90s. I don't know when YouTube is around. Are you playing with me? I don't know when YouTube is around? Are you really trying to drive me crazy? When was YouTube started?

YouTube? The first time I remember about YouTube is maybe 80s. No, you, okay. 82 or 83? Somewhere out there. So they were. They're so good. They're really fucking good, man.

Really? You like you, too? Oh, my God, yeah. And they fucking blow it up in concert. You'll sit there and fucking drool. It seems like Bono would annoy you. He got annoying. He got on my nerves on one of the tours.

He walked on stage with a cane and shit. Let it go, okay? Stop. It's sunglasses tonight. Yeah, like all that shit. fuck off but you know what man he shows he's like he shows up and he delivers the goods and the guitar players are savage the bass players are savage the drummers are fucking savage they're all fucking savages so i ain't mad at nobody i know i love music i like i like me

i like what they did i like the early shit i like some of the shit they play on the radio sometimes i mean i wouldn't go buy it if that's what you're asking me but i like it I really like the Joshua treat, but I ain't paying $250 at the Rose Bowl. For shit seats. And it's 50 to fucking park, and it's night of beer. You know what?

I'll buy the fucking CD and put it on my iPod. The next time I take a five-hour flight, I'll drop purely stars. Yeah. And I'll do it for fucking free. Man, those dudes with those stars need to hook me up. Those are great.

Well, Bill, with a fucking email. You can take the stars with you. I fucking love it. You want another one? Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. Lee, here's one for you. Oh, sure.

Why not? There's three of them. We might as well. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. Come on, Lee. Oh, shit. Like this, Lee.

Bow. Can I have another water, please? There's no more water. I have some of that. Thank you. No more. No more. Why can't you just swallow it?

It tastes pretty good. Mm-hmm. And watch. He's good about puke. Watch this. He gets fucking... No, just try to eat 12. Mm-hmm.

I like them. I love these drinks. Oh, my God. These are... I love... I personally, what do you think, Ralphie? I think gummies are number one edible for me.

Yeah. That or the old breast strips. Did you ever try those? I came out after the brush strips. I didn't try. Oh, my God. Those are great. Now, are they extinct for sure?

Yeah, nobody's got them. Nobody's got them. I think that's one place. got them. That place over in San Monica by Las Eanago. Really? Right there in San Monica? Mm-hmm. If not, they should. I'd go in and buy them out, man. I'd go in there and drop $2,000 on those. I mean, that's the whole point within Edibles is just to get it over with, to do it quickly, to not have, I mean, I like smoking. I don't mind smoking, but it just

doesn't last long enough for me. So Edibles, I think that's why I don't like like the big cakes and the cereal bars. Some people do? They're obsolete, those things. Yeah. They're obsolete. Those big things...

Oh, my God. I don't think anybody's are making cakes anymore. No, no. There's a company that has them. Remember the guy showed up here one day? Right, yeah. And he had, like, really delicious stuff,

but 60 milligrams. I'm wasting 3,000 fucking calories. Yeah, no way. It's not worth the aggravation. It's a fucking huge piece of chocolate cake they got it. But then I don't see baking goods anywhere. No.

And I generally go to four places. I got that place, buds and roses. I got perennial. I got the Russians number one. And I got the people over by victory there. And I don't see those. I don't think there's no more banana bread. I don't think there's no more banana bread.

That banana bread was daily, though, Jack. It was delicious. I don't think there's any more banana. People won't go for that. The banana bread was so good. You know, the stars are seven calories. Yeah. Seven fucking calories.

You don't even know this in your system. At night, you wake up to pee at 2, and it's real yellow. That's it. It's glowing in the dark. You wake up in a while in the morning and go, oh, shit, that star has some dick to it. Yeah. That fucking meal. Look at that toilet.

It's shining this shit. It looks like that shit in the fucking, what's the old man movie? The shit they stole from the moon and put in the pool. What's that movie with cocoon? Oh, cocoon, yes. It looks like cocoon and shit. Yeah, right. You wake up at two, you pee those stars of death.

You're like, ooh. That kidney's working overtime, Jack. I know. We'll put the strain on those motherfuckers. He must have to eat steroids and kill that fucking liver. Speaking of, Ralph, me, Joey has tried to, or he does torture me. He's the best. He's the best.

He's the best. With his boogers. And I think you must have been around at that time. Have you ever seen him eat a bugger? Who? Coco eat a booger? Yeah. No.

No, no. My favorite Joey Booger story is we were at the comedy store in like 2000. Okay? And me and Joe Diaz were the only one smoking weed, okay? Up there. They were a bunch of lamos. It just wasn't in. Me and Coco were it.

And we kept on getting the ear beating from this black guy who said he was a producer from Fox. He was just doing this to come into the shows. He probably wasn't even a PA, a production assistant. This guy was there and he was so fucking annoyed and telling us about what TV show we should do and stuff like this. And Coco, I guess he had a head called and the boogers, the boogers he was pulling out, Lee. They were like hard at the beginning and then like really thick

and wet at the end. I'm saying, okay. You know what I'm talking about? Tremendous. They're amazing. It's like half trisket, half snail. Okay, all right, and he'd take those, and he'd go to this guy and, like, and rub him in. Okay, that guy must have had 20,000 snots on the back of his jacket by the end of the night.

Coco, I saw this one, too. Lee, he got one going on one finger, all right, and then went with the other nostril, with the thumb, With the thumb, all right? And so you had two. And that one looked like a fucking seagull shit on that guy's shoulder. It was so thick. It was amazing. And this guy was such a fucking asshole.

It was the most tremendous... I used to put snots on my high school teacher, Mr. Zink. And I used to hang out with a daughter. He used to wear the same black jacket every day. And once or twice a week, I go up to him and tap him on the shoulder and say, what up, Mr. Zink. And his back. had fucking thousands of little dried snots.

He would never wash the jacket. It was just my little snots on. Who else I put a snout on? I put a snout on a few people. But that guy, the producer, was the fucking best, man. Focus on the yellow. Focus on the yellow. He's rubbing and everything.

Now he sees it. Now you see it, right? I can feel it. I'm not freaking out, though. I can feel it's definitely kicking in. I like it. I like it's just, I sweat. I'm fucking.

Yellow. Yellow. Yellow. Just yellow, baby. Just think about yellow. That's all I'm thinking about. There's no other colors. Just yellow. All right. That's it. I like y'all. You know, it's my favorite color. Stay in the man. Stay in the zone, baby. Ooh, okay. It's funny that when I got into comedy, especially when I came out here, I go, how long was it going to take for me to fuck up?

Like, how long was it going to take for me to hit somebody with a chair or fucking, rob one of these comedy clubs, you know, because you're going to take it. You could just sit there and look at 10,000 for so long. For so long. Before you have to smack this little fucking... Mama me. If it was anybody else's wedding. Oh.

Oh. You know, it's like... If they only knew, if they only knew, go, go. You know, it's like, it's so crazy how you... We sit in and we fuck around and you crack jokes. But how sad is it that, like, Keith Richards outlive fucking Whitney Houston? Oh, yeah. Like, Ozzy Osbourne's outliving everybody.

And he's still doing blowing pills She's tried to dump him two months ago Because he was still getting fucking high And fucking the hairdresser How old is this guy? They don't stop What people don't realize is I just figured this out too

Me and my tour manager Ben We were talking about this How the fuck can Ozzy you not understand A goddamn word he says But sings like a fucking bird How the fuck did that ever happen Lou Graham

there's English people, that's what they do. They're fucking bad at the bone, Jack. I'm sorry, I cut you out. No, no, no, I'm just thinking about how these people, you know, I sit here and I go, how the fuck did I outlive Whitney Houston? Like, especially during the Martel Cartel Day. Yeah. And I always felt bad.

Like, I never knew when the trust was going to end. Like, I never knew at what point. I didn't know if it was going to be being on the road with Mark Babett one day. You know, like, and him being, no, no, no, because when I, Dude, I heard he's lost LST. Yeah, when I first moved here, he used to book these shows with Carlos and when what's his name was still very hot. What's the Mexican guy? The Paul Rodriguez, and he was booking all this.

And George Lopez. And George Lopez. I mean, that was Mark Babbitt. Mark Babbitt was driving back to Texas with 30, 40G and cash. Yeah. Because he would take the money from the safe at the lap stop. and use it to finance his tours. She was a millionaire.

She's somewhere, is she still alive? No, no, no. He bought it. I mean, he didn't buy it. He didn't buy it. It was her. It was a old lady who owned... No, no, no, no.

You're thinking of the Austin woman. Right. What was the name of the lady in Boston? Because Pete was a stepson or something. Yeah, yeah. Right. And she was, she owned a bunch of country bars. but she just thought it was a good manager

and she bought it from the Sandy Marcus okay and Sandy and her husbands are the ones who started the last stop and then Sandy sold it when she wanted to get out to this lady who was a multi

multi-millioner probably worth probably $150 million more because she owned like the men's club she owned the biggest country bars she had a majority of stake in Gilly when Gillies was hot and fucking urban cowboy this this woman had so much fucking money and this was just one of her things that she liked comedy but she wouldn't even come in and that's how she got Pete in there but before Pete man with three hands Mark Bavitt was taking money out of that

place so he was taking the money out of the bank and then he was pulling what I was doing as a kid you borrow 25 grand on Friday as long as you have it back Monday before the bank opens you didn't win back 30 grand like I said I I had a friend who worked at a bank. In the early 80s, that was the deal. Friday at 3, Monday at 9. He better have my money to put back in that fucking bank vault. But I'm getting $5 grand off the top.

And he did it every fucking week, this kid. Yeah. But he could never be light on a Monday. He only... Wow. You couldn't even do that now? No fucking way. No fucking way you can do that now.

Let me tell you how good they had it wired. This kid that I'm talking about in particular. I knew him. I grew up with him. And one time when my mom died, he worked at a bank. And I was telling his younger brother, I got these checks. I got this credit card. He goes, talk to my brother.

Talk to my brother. So I called the brother. I met him. I gained the two checks, the credit cards. He calls me two days later. He's, to meet me a Knicks. So it's, you know, my mother had just died. They had just shot John Lennon.

Oh, wow. It was just a week when they shot John Lenton. Like they shot John Lennon on Monday night football. Yeah. During Monday night football, I picked up that envelope on Tuesday. Like, I gave him those checks on Saturday. Yeah. And the next day, when I was in school, his brother came up to me and said,

call my brother. He wants to talk to you about something. I called him. He goes, meet me up at the next 8 o'clock. I went up there. He gave me an envelope that was four inches deep. All fucking bills were $100. My mom was dead, but will this take care of things for a while?

Forever. Forever. I got that money and I put under my, I moved in with this family and I moved on, and I put the money under my underwear. And they would never fucking know. I would just, it was like a, it was like a real ATM machine. Like I hid my jeans on top of it. Yeah.

And I would just dip my hand on there and take a $100 bill and go out at night. Wow. Like, that's how spoiled that was. Like that, at that point. And you never thought about saving any of it? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

I thought about saving it. Yeah. Investing. I'm not investing with it. Yeah, I was 17 years old. Yeah, yeah. Okay? Yeah, I'm going to invest in what.

Getting them blowjob from fucking that girl. From Gabby. Gabby, that's what I'm going to invest in Lee. There's no investments leave. You took that, you took that to the bar and you invest in it. You would hear something for a fucked up, Lee? Sure. Is that not only did he just say, oh, that was fine, he was still working, all right?

Him and his buddies, they would drop out of trees on unsuspecting gay guys and beat them like gorillas till one fact to go y'all y'all. They weren't on suspecting gay guys. They were perverts. Perverts and pedophiles did not know what they wanted to do you. Because listen man, those guys, I read it. And these guys would drop

out of the fucking trees like gorillas. You want me to say something? My friend just went to my friend just went to my friend just went to the mayor's ball. To my buddy's ball. Yeah, he's done. My friend just went to my buddy's ball.

on Friday. Vanieri had his first ball on Friday, $175 a ticket. Oh wow. Why does he have a ball? Like for his like... Because he's a commissioner. Oh, he's an assemblyman. I love it. And he told me that the guy we used for bait as kids was there. I go, how does he look? He goes, bro, that dude hasn't aged a fucking day. He said he still looks like an Italian model. Oh, wow. We used to take this kid. And the reason why we used them is because he had a connection. I know that if we ever got arrested, this shit would get squashed at the end right before they really impressed charges this kid had too much juice right that's the reason why he used to take him i'd split it right 50 50 right down the middle

but all he had to do is just bait that's all he had to do was just bait we did the fucking kick in and the pulling and then okay so he'd be out there and then horrible horrible dark fun time and do you ever say that did you ever say that did you ever say that that to yourself. Like someday when you guys will be 50, you go, that was a terrible, horrible, fun time in my life. You know what I'm saying? It was that

dark and terrible. Like, it was like if I think about it now, it was dark. Like, even the daytime, it was dark. Like, there was no sunlight in my life then. And it was like my junior year, it started my sophomore summer going into junior

year, where you heard rumblings. There was this Davey Thomas this Thomas family and they were the kings of it the family who own Wendy's they were the no no no no these kids did not own Wendy's trust me and they were the first ones that 64th Street crew were the first ones that started going to Boulevard East and then the words started getting that you can make some money if you know how people drive a lift now oh yeah that's how it was then yeah right let's make some money going on the Boulevard East that night oh my God like that's how fucking it was so well known

A spare change. You know, it's crazy when I read the Iceman's book, when I read the Iceman's book, the Iceman used to live in West New York, New Jersey. And he said that in the 60s, he would just kill people for practice on Boulevard East. Get the book, get the fucking book. He goes, I can't.

He goes, I really couldn't give an actual account of how many people I killed. Because there was three years, I was just practicing. He goes, I'd go to a bar on the west side Yeah. And tell a guy I was gay or whatever, and he'd follow me to Jersey, and I'd kill him on the Jersey side and shit. He goes, just for practice. Just to practice control tactics.

Oh, my God. This guy was the real fucking deal. Why do you read this book? This book sounds like a terrible book. No, it's fascinating. It was very fascinating. Let me tell you something. Why do you look at tigers in the zoo?

When the Ice Man popped up 10, 15 years ago, like, people called you the next day. Yeah. It was fucking disturbing. Yeah. It was disturbing. Like, even the first time I don't. was I'm like because you live near him it was just disturbing no no no no it was

disturbing that I always thought that you kick somebody in the stomach and he had some fun and you called him a cock sucker this guy had it this guy had it to a complete different level what was he doing he was a hit man that I forget the whole fucking story

he was working on a porno thing yeah he was editing he was making films that's right editing films and the guy wouldn't pay him and And he fucking whacking. And then he likes it. His brother raped the 12-year-old girl and killed her.

And then he threw the girl off the roof. I mean, the whole family's rotten. Oh, my God. The family was rotten. To the core. When you read the book, there's times you're reading the book, and you have to shut the book and go, why am I reading this? Oh, my God.

His first wife dumped him, and he cut her nipples off. Yeah, I remember you told me that story. He cut a nipples off. And he used to live right there with a coat factory. When we were kids, that was it. We went behind the co-factor. If you go to the Coat factory today and vacuum it, you're going to find rocks of Coke from the 80s.

I wish I was kidding. It was every night. You knew that if you were going to come over and you wanted to get Coke and you was coming from the city, go to the Coat Factory. There'd be four cars there, and somebody in that car had blown.

Somewhere behind a tree, behind the dumpster, somewhere in this area, there's an ounce of fucking Coke. Wow. Yeah, the first interview with the, The Iceman was very fascinating. What happened was Leif that people took that interview, sucked it in, and then started hearing

other things and also put them together. And they were all really tied together. Oh, like different stories? No, all the mafia hits were tied through him. Oh, Jesus. He began doing hits for one family, and then he kept going to different families, and he would do hits for different captains, and nobody knew what the fuck he was doing. Then he got really crazy.

The third phase of it is he got really crazy. And he started saying that he was there on every murder. Like when Kelly got shot, I was up the corner. Yeah, right. When the guy from the fucking bananas got shot at Joe Marys restaurant in Brooklyn, and that summer, he says he had one of the tables. He was one of the backup shooters if the original shooters fucked up. That's a lie.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah. That was an inner family thing. They weren't going to get a fucking Polack to step in on that one. There was just a lot of things he claimed. But at the end, he said something. that I've sat on here, you know, all these people like conspiracies. You have no fucking idea.

I can make your day. I can say, you'll leave. You need a VCR? Yeah. Give me a hundred bucks, because I'd use the travelers checks. It would cost me nothing. The travelers checks would cost me nothing. Okay.

Dirty cents on the dollar, maybe, maybe a favor. Like in those days, the Cubans used to get a ton of travelers checks, but they couldn't use them because they didn't speak English. So I was the only motherfucker that I blowed. So they tell me what they want up in Japan town, like get it for them but charge them a Vig for doing it for them. Like, go 50% on them. And what were they going to do?

They couldn't use them themselves. They couldn't even speak to fucking language. Oh, my God. Fucking crazy. This is the shit that keeps me up. How do you come up with this stuff as, like, just on the fly, make these business? Like, you're running a empire.

You're out there. You're a one-man army on a daily basis. You wake up in the morning, you go to O'Chardis. You order breakfast, and you, put it on a tab and you tell them you're going to be back by five and let me tell you something you want to know about pressure when you put breakfast on the fucking tab and you got to come back by five with ten dollars so I got to make time I'm already minus ten it's nine a m I got to put this fucking day together here I got to do a half

gram tonight's ladies night at fucking Apollo I got to come up with a new shirt I got to go to fucking Walmart in those days there was in the Walmart yeah you know I got to come up with a yard stick for that so he's getting round today What a fucking nightmare. You have no idea, Lee. You have no fucking idea. I'm very happy that whole shit. Today I was talking to Larry,

when we're talking about something. We're talking about businesses. And he goes, what if you just took the little business and moved it to Vegas? I'll explain something. That's called borrowing from Peter to pay Paul. Eventually, they're going to nail you on something.

They're going to realize you don't live in Vegas or some bullshit and you're going to go away. That was me 35 years ago. Yeah. Yeah, let's do it. Who gives a fuck? With no repercussion at all. It's the repercussion that fucking kills you.

Right. Yeah. I had, when I moved in, I didn't transfer my electric. It was just on. I had it for like a year and a half, and they just turned it off one day. I had to go in and pay, I think it would end up being like $1,400. What are you going to do? Jesus.

You know, it's funny how. Poor Matt Becker. I quit high school that August. I got August. Like that August before my senior. in the year. I was like, there's no sense of me going back. Oh, my kid. Well, I was at that point, I go, what am I going to do? I want to go to school?

Yeah. I go, this is a job. It's a union. They promote from within. These guys make money. I knew all about this company because I had worked for a lumber yard. That was a Mazbach century hardware chain. This was the warehouse. So I would talk to the guys that delivered all this shit. And they were telling me how much they enjoyed working there. And one day, I realized it was down the block from where I was living. And I went from being a daytime shift guy to a nighttime loader.

So I said, what was I going to school for? I'm making a 15 an hour. This ain't bad at all. I could do this forever. This takes me fucking four hours at night. And you know what, bro? I went back like in November and I pegged it out. I tried to do all the credits and they came back to me and they said, you're not going to graduate on the stage. I said, don't what the fuck am I doing this for? Yeah And I don't get invited to anything Nothing Nothing

I know Listen guys I'm over it already I know right It's like I have to be over it I miss a lot of those people First of no no But I talk to a lot of those guys

Yeah I don't See I talk to a lot of those guys Especially now lately The last few years In fact I want to give a shout out To my buddy's having open heart surgery Fucking Wednesday If

I didn't have brain this weekend and my wife didn't pick if my wife didn't pick Tuesday tomorrow to fly I would have fucking flying back to New York

at least Monday this guy went to my mom's wake wow like I go back that deep with Steve Villal and his family and shit so I'll be praying for my Wednesday open a fucking heart surgery you.

Plays in the band. Went home one night. They got rushed to the hospital. His heart was beating two months. Don't do drugs. Yeah. Hasn't done a drug in 20 fucking years. Then it happened again.

He had an episode again. So they said they have to do something to his valve. Wow. But I was all four years at that kid. That's fucking amazing. 35 years. And guys, you're listening to this podcast. I'm like, what the fuck's Joey talking about?

I don't we tell what's talking about? It goes fast, motherfuckers. It goes Real fast Real fast I know next year I know Ralphie 20 years Right

Yeah 98 That's how fast This motherfucker This motherfucker knows I know Ralphie from an apartment To get in a dog To get married

To have a big house To having two kids To having two houses And a bus And a bus Now back to one house Now back to Or no house

It's fucking Reno Tahoe And back to the ghetto I'm so lucky, dude. The guys at Caesars are just treating me super nice now. You know, I mean, it's phenomenal. They're class acts, you know, and I can't be mad the way I'm being treated or nothing.

I can't even gripe. Well, listen, brother, and like I tell people all the time that you said that when we were talking earlier about there's no escalated to the top. You know, you're not getting paid right now. You're getting paid for this shit you did when you went up to Vysalia and your fucking keys fell down the elevator. Oh my God, I remember that.

Okay, and you have to get, you know, who does that happen to her? Lee, who does that happen to me? That you go to a fucking gig, you do a great job, you spent the night, you wake up the next morning, you go to the fucking elevator, you go, oops, your keys go down that one little crack. And I heard they held for like a minute. Yeah.

I heard they held by the time you bent over. You should be elevated. I could see them. I could see them going down as it hit the light of every elevator. So I saw them and I could see them down at the bottom. And I'm just like, I got hit by a kid who was coming in from the swimming pool. Okay. And I had the keys in my hand.

And I got hit by that little girl and on my hand. And boom, they just right in the middle. It took two years. But the Hilton there or the Marriott. whatever it is. They gave me my keys back. But luckily, I had an extra key in the car, so all I had to do was get it open.

And it was Saturday, and they couldn't get an elevator guy. No. I mean, there was a thousand fucking by the ways. Yeah. And that's why I tell everybody, like, young comics, like he had that bump to some dude when I was at my family. And on the way out, he goes, oh, you know what, I've seen you at the comedy store, I just got into it.

I've been doing it a year. He goes, what is it? What is it? Can you tell me? And I go, dime. Yeah. Time and mileage. If you do eight fucking open mics a night,

I guarantee you 20 fucking years from now, you'll fucking get paid. Because that effort will not be fucking gone unnoticed. Trust me what I'm telling you. You'll know, too. You'll know. Sometimes they give you a check, you look at it, you go, that's for that fucking time.

I finger bang that Indian chick in Twin Falls, Idaho, on a triple run. Yeah. Triple run would sing in all these fucking play. That sounds like fun though. Why is that what? You know what, bro, triple runs, Lee. If I had the time

I'd go do one. I would take you on a two-week triple run and hire you as the chauffeur just so you see. You know what? You would tap by the third night. No, I love it. I would love it.

You know, it's great. I can do them now. I did one basically earlier this, or last year, but I did it a bus. Yeah, you do it. But it was a bus. It was great.

It was great. I guarantee I wouldn't quit. I mean, Lee, this is. But you're in a car and you're driving 12 hours. 12. Lee. And then you're driving, and then the next day you gotta get up

and drive another 12 hours. And then the next day you drive another 12 hours. And then the last day you drive an hour. And then the Thursday, and you've crisscrossed where you're gonna be. And then you have to come back to that area. Yeah, yeah, you're in Wenatchez. It's crazy, Lee.

And then you're in Missoula. And then you're in Yakima. But Yakima and Winachia are only like 80 miles apart. Yeah, yeah. In Montana. Fucking Montana. Lee, it's fucking crazy. Then you got to go to Lewiston.

And then you got to go over to fucking Oregon And you're in fucking Coos Bay And then the next day you're in Spokane You're like, I drove through Spokane five fucking times Coos Bay, I forgot all about Coos Bay Oregon Man, how good is the fucking crab meat there? Jesus Christ, no, no, no. I started one from Houston

That took us into somewhere in Idaho And then we got up the next morning because there's some days you drive eight hours. There's something, because you've got to remember, we got to do a show. So I get off stage at 11, 11.30. You got to have a drink. They pay you.

You got to talk shit. These people don't see civilization. They don't see anybody. You're the biggest thing that's coming to that town since fucking, the guy who shot the president came in there. Since Steve Prefontein. Yeah. No, no, no, no.

It's, it is crazy, Lee. And God forbid if you do radio, like you usually go to some college station and you do radio on those times, they'll come out. Yeah. You really live in California? What's that like?

So you gotta talk to them, Lee. So we're getting back to the room at 1.130. We're up at fucking 7.5. Driving 10 hours to 5, 5.30, get to the hotel, take a shower, eat, do the fucking show, go right back to bed, and fucking do it all over again. Hopefully we catch a six hour drive.

But Friday, you catch like a 10, and then if you're lucky, it's the same place, maybe an hour, but don't bet on it. Some nights you've got to fucking drive all night. Yeah, yeah, because you've got to beat snow. You got to beat the snow. You got to beat the fucking snow. And now you've got to drive back all Saturday night

after you've done all that driving. How did you do it, Joey, without the, GPS. Can you read a map? Yeah, motherfucker. This was 1995, Lee. You bought a map. You had a 50 state map.

Yeah. Okay. At that time, my vision was a lot better than what it is now. I tapped out once I moved to L.A. L.A. had a different thing. Thompson guy. Thompson guy. That confused the shit out of me.

I'm no fucking Phi Beta Kappa here. I'm okay with maps because I was a boy scout for three. or four days. Okay, I was a wee blow four, five days. I was one of those assholes, like four or five days. So something about my, something in Miami, I learned how to read maps. So when I got into the triple runs,

you had to get the state and drive it out and then go to that page and put like a fucking, you know, paper clip on that page and your page and get the connector. And then I would circle that. And then I would get the directions from them, also. They also sent you directions.

They would also send you the night of your gig and how you were going to get there. So to the next gig. So how you got there, let's say your week started Tuesday through Saturday. That's five nights. How you got to

Wenatchee, Washington? That's your department. That's your problem. Once you get to Winachi, Tuesday night, you're going to go to the place, the Palm Springs of Washington. You just said it before. Yakima.

Yakima. Washington. And then you're probably going to go to Missoula on fucking, now people like Donna Richards in those days and the other lady, they had runs, but their runs were like four hours in between. That's not manageable. No, that's not bad at all. No, those other ones, those triple runs, they were 12-hour run, kids.

And like what happens with weather, construction? Fuck you. Accidents. Let's pretend. Let's pretend that there's a gig and it's seven hours. And it's me and Ralphie. We're pretty legit with each other. And we hear there's going to be snow.

Guys like me and Ralphie go, you know what time is. No does and Mountain Dew. Yeah, might as well. No does and Mountain Dew. Pack the car. Pack the fucking car. And right from the stage, we get right in the car. The hotel knows we're coming with comedians.

And we'll get there as the snow starts. Yeah. By the time we're getting to that city, the snow started getting hit. We're catching it as we're driving at night. Yeah, there's a different strategy. It's something silly, but how would you find the weather out at that point? Was it the TV? Radio.

They had the radio for all over the country. Yeah. But we also read the paper, you know, I still do that. I still like reading a newspaper. You're sure. And it's like nobody does it anymore. Nobody does it. I don't read the LA paper.

I'm not going to lie to you. No, it's got no fun. Every once in a while, I pay the newspaper. I pay the $250 for the New York Post. At the airport, I rip it off because it's a federal charge. You know me? I want to be locked up next to fucking

what's his name for a week so I get some info out of them. Maybe he'll call into the podcast. You know what I'm saying? Fucking El Chapo. Somebody. You never know you got bump inside that. I wish my memory

was clearer of those times. There's maybe like three or four prisoners, maybe five that I did time with that I remember. That from time to time, their name will pop up, and I'll look him up on Facebook. One kid I found his son. Oh, wow. And we communicated for a while.

I don't know what happened there. And the rest of the guys, like, I remember Etchy. He's a black dude that was like from Indiana. I did time with him. He was cool as fuck. Spencer Antoine, I looked up. First of all, if I'm 50, Spencer's got to be fucking.

because when I was 25, he was 55. Wow. Right? So I was doing time when I was 25. But I loved to reconnect with him and just talk some shit. All the dudes in the AIDS unit, they gotta be dead. That was 87. That was way before the medication.

And they weren't looking too good then. There was a black dude in the age unit. They thought he was gonna die before, you know, way. but he made it. But at the time I got out, I got out of the halfway house. He was still there. When I worked with Katie Siegel and Superior Donuts,

I felt like pulling her over and going, you don't understand how many times I watch you in the age unit that fucking show Married with Children on Sunday nights. Oh, yeah. We'd get a bunch of food from the visitations, and we'd fucking watch Married with children. Like eight prisoners, and the dudes who had the AIDS,

they wouldn't leave their bedroom. They would stay in that bedroom. We were cool with shit with them, bro. We were knocking their door and make them come out and eat. We used to have tons of food, man.