The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - The CHURCH: BEST of RYAN SICKLER, Vol. 1 | with JOEY DIAZ & LEE SYATT

Episode Date: September 18, 2023

The CHURCH: BEST of RYAN SICKLER, Vol. 1 | with JOEY DIAZ & LEE SYATT   #307 - Recorded live on 08/10/2015 - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=btjzrMDmmzk&t=50s #326 - Recorded live on 10/18/2015 - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_vKnZ9yP0Hs&t=2354s #635 - Streamed live on 11/14/2018 - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rYfW6w1P7KQ&t=135s #710 - Uploaded on 08/15/2019 - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PwYUv7igFx8 #768 - Uploaded on 3/11/2020 - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mj6dEhoYH4U&t=4s #811 - Uploaded live on 08/10/2020 - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ikogZO3b7zo   This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT!   Go to https://www.onnit.com & Enter PROMO CODE: JOEY, JOINT or CHURCH   The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz    #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #TheChurch #LeeSyatt #RyanSickler

Well, I mean, it's kind of hard for Ryan and I to really understand. Is it really, is it that terrible being a minority in America? I just, I think for white people, we know it, but we really don't. It depends where you live, Lee. It depends where you live. Ferguson, Missouri is probably the equivalent to, you know, something like Harlem. I've never been there. It's like any other place USA where they have an African American fucking community.

And then inside the African American community, they have three blocks of fucking hell where people go to buy crack and there's hookers and God knows what else is down there and listen man I mean I'll be I'll say this too you know I say You're from Baltimore

Well and let's be honest Let's go all you know I am from Baltimore but when I say Baltimore Not those neighborhoods of Baltimore You know what I mean So I can't speak intelligently on what's going on Just because you're from a city Doesn't mean you can speak intelligently

And what's going on in those pockets and those areas of that city. I don't hang out. When people hear Baltimore, they think the wire. I have never hung out in a neighborhood like that. I mean, they're there. That's all real, but I'm saying I don't go into those neighborhoods. There's no reason for me to be in those neighborhoods. I can't tell you what's going on in those neighborhoods. People always ask me when they hear Boston is Boston racist. And I've heard stories, and I'm sure in some parts it is. Just the white people. Just the white people. I've never, I never saw it, but then again,

again, I'm white as fuck and I probably wouldn't see it. When somebody says racist, is it five guys in the bar giggling and all of a sudden they say, did you see that nigger chick last night? Is it that type of racist or is it racist that people actually put a fucking hood on

and go out and pick fights? No, Boston, everybody gets along because you got black guys in the Boston Celtics. See, what's the fucking black guys got put on a Boston Celtics? And big poppy. That's it.

That was it. They were like, you know what, I don't know about these black dudes but they could play. Let's shoot. Let's give them a fucking chance, you know, but in all seriousness, I mean, in 1985, I used to hang out in San Francisco, and I used to hang out with these Cuban refugees.

Cubans had just come over, and they were putting them in different pockets. And I remember that there was this one guy that they would give you 20 nickel bags, and let's say, at $5 a piece, it comes out to $1.25 a son. They would give you, like, 50 bucks out of the 125. And there were days when I was broke, and I'd just go out there and just to hang on it the guys. You could do 25 nickel bags and have her. You know, just so just to hang out with the guys that say, give me a thing and they'd give them to you. And you'd hide them. You'd hide them under bumpers, you know, in cars. You'd hide them. So if the cops come, you could just, you know,

you don't have them on you. Right. And listen, man, every four fucking days cops pulled up. And I'm a white fucking dude on paper until you take my license. This is Jose Diaz. In those days, I didn't carry a license. But my, my point is they would just pull up and jump out of cars and throw you against a wall, it's tough to be a cop in America. Yeah, I, yeah. And what's gotten taken away from the cops when I was banging heads and I was out there getting pulled over and robbing and all that shit is the sense of community. Okay, so Ryan lives where? Now?

Yeah. Santa Monica. Okay, so you live in Santa Monica. You come up to the valley tomorrow. Let me see how I could do this. Okay, you live in Santa Monica. you live on a block that there's a rouse and all this shit and there's a neighborhood cop.

Same fucking cop. Same fucking cop that's been there for years. And he sees you and he waves at your kids and sometimes he pulls over and you get in the car and let the kid fucking beep the horn. But you know him. His name is Phil, Officer Fucking Jones. And you get to know him, three, four fucking years.

Now, God forbid you come up to the valley. You come up to the valley one day. We're all hanging out on the way out of the door. you get into an argument with some kid. And you smack them and you get in the car, and the kid takes your license plate. They go up to the Valley here in North Hollywood. They do the paperwork.

They come down to Santa Monica to put that warrant. Guess who's coming to your house with the cops from the Valley? Officer Smith, because that's his neighborhood. And guess what Officer Smith is going to do? The guys that are coming down. Phil. Phil. Yeah.

What do you mean? Officer Phil. That's what we said he was. Okay. Phil Smith. Officer Phil. The cops that are coming from the valley. they're coming from the valley with one side of a story in their head.

Do you follow me? They're coming from the story that some kid was walking down the block on a skateboard, and my man, fucking Ryan, just bit slapped him and got in his car. And the cops could know that guy from the valley. Okay. So it could be like his car. Right. So what a shame. The kids are great kids.

Now they're coming down here with what? With blood in their eyes. All right? But guess who stops him? Phil. Officer Phil. He goes, hold on one second. To knock on his door, I've got to come with you.

and he explains him this has to be a misunderstanding. I know him. I know his wife. I know his kids. He's a stand-up comic. He's a decent guy. So now the blood gets tan. They want to hear your side of the story.

They'll take you down booking. So you understand me. You had that type of relationship with the police officers. I don't know what's happened in the last 10 years. I'm not out there. But I know there's no relationship with police officers. There's no more neighborhood cop. So I know what a black neighbor

it is. I wanted them to get drugs. I know how they shake you down. You know, in the old days, they get you, they'd have gun on their holsters. Now they're coming out shooting guys. And if they see any infraction, how many shootings have you seen in the last three years? Are you like, where's the justification for this fucking shooting? A lot. Where's the justification for this fucking shooting? There's none. He got on the floor and the guy, what's the one? The guy shot him a couple weeks ago, the kid in Cincinnati. I can't look at the stories anymore. Yeah, one dude, he told him to reach for his license. He went to reach for it. Then he shot him and he even said, well, he's hit with it. He's hit. He's like, you told me to go for my license. I'm getting my

license yet. So who the fuck knows the pressures it is to be a cop? But also, when you watch these videos, for me at least, when I see a cop's body cam and I see it from their point of view, to me, at any moment, it's like the end of Sopranos. Who's it going to be that's going to, you know what I I mean, I think that it's so heightened right now that I would, I'd be scared out there. I'd definitely be scared. If I got pulled over today, I'd be scared. Yeah. I'd be the cop too, though.

I'd be scared if I was the cop too. I would put my hands right out the fucking window and let the body, the cam watch it, put my hands out the window. You know, I would do everything. Just, I was thinking about it the other day. What if I get pulled over at night when I'll come home to the comedy store? I would just put, as soon as I'd open my window and put my hands on the window. And that's it.

That's the end of the phone store. Then when they get there, can I reach for me? my license. Can I reach for my license? I'm reaching for my license. I'm the same way. But even if things weren't heightened, isn't there always going to be some sort of like tension between the cops and I don't want to say just black people, but it's just, like, for in this case, black people. Well, right now, in this part, right now in our world today, in the United States, there's a hidden tension with black people and cops. And if you don't think I'm funny, you'd have to. Yeah. You'd have to. Okay. You've got to. You've got to. You've got to. You've

call tomorrow. There's some fucking Cuban dude smacking Jews people. He goes into synagogues and just smacks you and runs out. He goes into temples and I walk up on you. Is your defense going to be up or you're going to be glad to see me? You don't know if I'm going to smack you. Same fucking thing. Every black person in

America right now, whether they're a criminal or just a regular black person after you see the shooting in Cincinnati you have to be a little scared subconsciously. You could say suck my dick, they're going to suck my white dick or my black dick. But some That goes into your subconscious mind.

So you have to be a little bit fucking scared. I was always scared of cops. Always. Me too. Yeah, me too. I've never been comfortable. Me too. You suck. That was the name. By the way, you gotta hit me up with me. I wanted to know. I figured you guys had a good one. No, we had no fucking name. We were lip-sinking.

Singing the Beatles over fucking music with the Jackson Five, like four fucking momos. But my point being, he said that he kept watching his kids watching TV. and it was completely different. They watched television a different way. They watched them on demand or something. And he went to sci-fi and kept telling him.

Things are changing. And sci-fi was like, nah, we're going to keep doing it. So he quit, and he fucking started this YouTube channel for horror people. And he's doing great with it. $7 a month, unlimited horror. He gets it from all over the world. He's been a horror buff since we were growing up. That was his thing.

He went to the movies in Jersey City. And he'd tell you, and you're like, Jesus. But he was such a nice guy. died and he had such a passion for what he did. And now he's making a living from just because he saw the future. So even as a comic, I'm very fortunate. You are too that we're part of the podcast thing. I look at a lot of comics still and go,

you don't have a podcast and you're not part of one. You know, right now you're suspect. Even if your podcast sucks, you're suspect because you don't have one. People like, why wouldn't you have a fucking podcast? Everybody has a podcast, at least is trying to put one together or is a part of one, a cause one in. If you're a comedian, I'm not talking about

if you're a stockbroker working 12-hour days busting your ass, well, fucking assholes like me and making people laugh. You guys work for real. You got no fucking time. It's just crazy how like how much competition there's for kids, how much they

have to know now. Like I was, when I was talking to the parents, I brought Cassius Morris and how he's been doing since he was 10. And like, part of what I was doing up there was training like the 13-year-old girls to run the board and do everything that we're doing. And it's just, it's, and they're already animating stuff. And it's just crazy how much stuff there is for them now. And how great, like if you started a podcast, like you said, you met somebody this weekend who's been following you for 15 years.

If there's a comedian now who's 16 or 18 and starts a podcast, by the time he gets to be 30, he'll definitely have people who were there from the beginning. How fucking crazy is that? I got a call from Roger Paul maybe 16 years ago Roger Paul is a fucking kinky guy and whenever the phone rings there's always going to be a by the way so they want to hire in Milwaukee

I had worked with a guy on a Yoda run Oh wait What's a Yoda run? Yoda is a guy at Michigan Oh Yoder And 10 years ago the father, old man Yota 15, 20 years ago

If you're a comic and you were from the Midwest, it was them and somebody else, but Yoda controlled the Midwest, whether you were dirty or clean. If he liked you, you covered your none. He had 63 rooms and 22 weeks. Like all those cities of Michigan, there was a comedy club that he booked. That's it. And they were all, some were B rooms, some were fucking D rooms, some were A rooms. Some were eight rooms. And he had Buffalo, he had Cleave.

I mean, he had so many rooms. So I did a Yoda run, and I met this dude from Milwaukee. And I said, what do I have to do to get into that room in Milwaukee? And he goes, I recommend you. And three months later, some guy calls me and says, hey, they're looking for you to see if you want to work that room. So I went up there in the dead of the winter, February, Valentine's Day weekend. that weekend. Oh my God.

The fuck. By the way, it was the condo. It looked like the monsters. I mean, from the front. It even had the gate and shit the whole fucking deal. Everything. Oh my God.

I've talked about this. It was just horrific. But anyway, when I was up there, that time, I met the lady who actually books that. And she used to book that room

at the time in Appleton. She's still around. Her daughter's now will book. in that area. Very small venues, you know, colleges, shit like that. So when she offered me the week, she said if you come in Tuesday, I got a show I do at Marquette. You could do the show, $125, one of those deals, you know. So I went and did the show, and in those days, all I did was snort blow and hang out of the store. That's it. So my whole comedy routine was about fienden and

looking out windows and, you know, and nobody was laughing. But I meant, no, I don't remember. I don't remember. I don't even listen sometimes. I can't even hear whether people laughing on. I knew it wasn't my audience. But now, this weekend in Minneapolis, some kid pulls me aside for a Friday night early show

and says that he was there that night. And he came to the comedy club that weekend, the song, seeing me. And he remembered the girl with the red hair. And it was just really nice. He was like, I made a mental note. I always knew you would do something. It was very nice.

That is nice. You don't bump into people like that. No. I made a mental note of you a while ago. I mean, you know, I've known you, but I've always sort of kept to myself. We've done several shows together, but there was one we did. The Hollywood Improv years ago, and a girl went up, and she was pretty dirty, and you followed her. And you got up, and you said, that's the type of chick at all.

let your fuck her in the ass pull it out and suck it and then the crowd went nuts and you laughed but that was your way of saying like i loved her you know what that's what you said i said i'm like i loved her i loved her dude i laughed so fucking hard at that for like five goddamn minutes because it's probably 100% true so funny that was your just walk up and say it off the top of your head and it was so perfect sometimes you gotta break the room up it was perfect listen And unless you're fucked up, you always, if you come, if you have that little sarcasm gene, there's things people say that no matter what age they say it, something comes to your mind and you want to crack a joke. Whether it's to yourself, whether it's to the room, whatever the fuck it is, you know. Today the baby was looking at me.

She kept looking at me going, blow, daddy. blow and I'm like in 20 years you won't be saying. Like you think of things like that. You know, a hot girl goes up on a stage, her tits are out, she's talking about getting fucked in the ass. You're sitting there, you're a man, even if you're on a date.

What are you thinking about? Fucking in the ass and sticking your dick in the mouth. All I'm doing is going on stage and saying what you're thinking. The reason why I got to laugh was because as I walked out this was everybody was fucking thinking. Everybody was fucking

fucking thinking, oh my God. Who knows? I hate when comics go up with the set routine. Sometimes you have to react to the fucking room. Yeah, I agree with that. You have to react to the room as a comedy. There's comedy. There's natural comedy in the room.

Nothing bothers me more when I see something coming. There's always, even in just regular conversation sometimes, there's a great comedic banter in a conversation, energy that somebody else might not be laughing but you might even feel that all the time. A little comedy, light banter that you're like oh my God that's so, that thing

in a movie was such a brilliant conversation they had. You know, it was so as people say. That's the stuff that makes me laugh most that you say now. Because I'll come and see shows about it so I'll get to know some bits. But the stuff that makes me laugh is the stuff that you just say that you'll never say again. Yeah, that's those are my favorite people

in the world. Like my grandmother and her sisters were the same way. I couldn't wait to hear what, like, you know, we've all been through situations, but I couldn't wait to hear their response. I got a crush on Mrs. Obama. She gained like 10 pounds. I don't care. I think she's looking

good in those polyester suits. You see her on fucking good morning, America? Oh my God, she looks good. Oh, my God. What's happening, you bad motherfucker's Thursday morning? The man, the legend themselves, Mr. Ryan Sickler straight out of Baltimore before the fucking wire, you know what I'm saying?

He lit the wire. This motherfucker lit the wire and left. Thank you for having me on. What's going on, brother? Good to see. That's good to see you. This is what I want to say first for I say anything about myself. I watch your degenerate special.

I thought it was fantastic. Thank you. And I don't want to blow your cover, but a lot of people know this and some people, maybe they don't. You're the nicest fucking guy. Like, you really care about people. I tell everybody, like Joey Diaz, you see that guy on stage? That's that dude. But you know what that dude also does?

calls you call not text you call how you don't rise of it every time checking on me all the time man i can't thank you enough for it you're to your friends you're great though a lot of people don't do that you're really good at it listen man i'm sick and tired of you're a sweetheart have no friends you're a lot of friends you don't you don't friendship doesn't come because you're such a nice guy either you could have millions of dollars and buy your friends or you could earn people's friendship. And one way to earn people's friendship is when the peanut butter jar

broke. The peanut butter is on the floor. Your kids yelling. You're late for an audition. You're going crazy. And also the phone rings and somebody just doesn't want something from you. They just call you to go, hey man, I was thinking about you.

Right there in that moment, even though everything's going on for somebody to say, dog, then I at the comedy store, I saw you, and I forgot to tell you, your set was brilliant. You know, something about Saturday night. A couple weeks ago I went up there and who's the guy that had the show when we first started comedy with the long hair.

Tom Rhodes was up before. Brilliant. The set he did was brilliant. Tom's great. It took me five days to remember to call him and call them. And I go, hey, man, I'm calling you to say hello, but I'm calling you to say that you're set the other night. was brilliant.

That comedians don't, humans don't have that no more. When I get a text message that says happy birthday or happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas. That I'm guilty of it too.

I want to call you up and say, you know what? I hope your mother gets hit by an Amtrak. Because you got to know, she raised you the wrong way. Don't you fucking text me Merry holidays. You pick up that phone.

You don't call. Don't even bother. Don't waste your time. I want to hear your voice I want to know what you're feeling I'm friends with you I know what makes you tick I think it's beautiful

and if you don't do that you're not gonna have friends everybody wants to have friends whatever he wants to have friends I want to have a friend that if I stab a motherfucker my wife says Ryan Ciclic called

your bail is a half a mill but he's got 25 that he can lend you until you get out and do a benefit yeah there you go that's not friend those aren't the same people

I come to your birthday party at La Mirage. You know what I'm saying? Oh, my God. To a wonderful man, let's raise our champagne glasses. That don't happen. That's only in the movies. That's what you're looking for. You're going to die with nobody.

You're going to die alone because those people only come when your pocket to full. They're not going to be there when your pockets are empty. I look at how many people are around me when my pockets were empty and I was struggling in comedy. And I look at where they are. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Those people now come to the shows and juries like last week I did. did Gotham. I saw people

there that I used to make go to open mics. You know when they make you bring four people? There were kids in that crew that I would bring to those things. Like 20 years ago. Really? You got to me a big favor. Before you go to the city, until I'd stop at Stand Up, New York,

and just pay for a ticket. It's $8. And they would go for you, I'll do it. And they would bring, like, six of them would show up, and they'd spend $600 at the bar, and they'd be snort in the bathroom. room and the club all over goes and you could come here whatever you want as long as your friends come because they'd spend four five hundred at the bar I still talk to those people

you know those people were there when when I was doing open mics dude I'm still friends with guys from elementary school I'm still strong good friends with guys from elementary school middle school and high school there's a couple college people but the core of my friends back home And I see every time I go home, I see a good chunk of them. You know, everybody's got kids and things now, but still, we still have to make time to get together. But they're all from back in the day, all of them. And every day I go, I got to call this guy. And it'll take me three days to call them.

But in the meantime, I'll call other people. But it'll take me three days to go. I got to call this fucking guy. Wait a second, this guy works nights. I'll call them on my way to the comedy store. Right, on my drive. You know, Timmy works nights. But that's beyond considering someone.

It's also their schedule. and when you can actually think you got a shot at getting a hold of them. Instead of just throwing on a voicemail that no one listens to anymore anyway, you know what I mean? Like, remember when it used to be like you had to be somewhere to get that fucking call. You had to be right here to get this call. Then it came call waiting. You were like, oh, my God, two people think enough of me to call me at the same fucking time. Like, holy shit, hang on a second.

Then you got the answer machine. It was like, let's listen to this message. Now I see people on their phone with 300 missed fucking calls and 80 voice. I was like, what the fuck happened? What happened? I don't know if you guys have run into this. It blew my mind just because I grew up on the phone. There's a lot of people, especially my age and a little bit younger,

who say they get anxiety about being on the flag. They don't want it. They won't make calls to anybody. That doesn't make sense to me, but people can get anxiety about anything, I guess. I like the personal aspect of life. I think that if you don't want it in your life, you don't have to have it. For me, I prefer that contact.

You know, I like talking to my friends I grew up with instead of talking to these people in L.A. And like, you could do so much in L.A. to have people in your corner that say yes to you. Yeah. You could hire four people and have a big payroll and everybody's saying yes to you and getting your coffee and you could yell and make scenes.

And he's having kids. a bad day to who gives a fuck you know what keeps me grounded is in the morning when i call one of my buddies from my school and like i told brodie stevens they're delivering a fedex package and they're making 1250 an hour at 55 and they're running up and downstairs and i go to a comedy main room on a tuesday and pick up 300 dollars or something like that you know and i'm sick thing into myself it it brings my it levels me it does it's a balance yeah We've, uh, years ago, 10, 12, 13 years ago, a company, a company ran a commercial. And it's a sales force.

And a guy walks back in and he starts giving everybody a plane ticket. Lee Syatt, here you go. Ryan Sickler, here you go. Tony bananas, here you go. Johnny Gumbad, here you go. They're all looking at their plane tickets. And he goes, ladies and gentlemen, I looked at the stats of the company. And I looked at the national stats.

sales are down because we do everything on these things like this was a commercial and he goes we're going back out there talking to people and we're going to get back in people's faces that's how you sell accounts good luck gentlemen they were like looking around like at each other and it said like the name of the company if their salesmen make account but it's true we've forgotten all those personal little things that person and I learned those little things when I sold cars I was two things Guess what I used to do a lot? A lot more than I do now. I was a letter writer. You were? I loved writing letters. To who? Whoever.

You would do it for someone? No, no, no, no. You had pen pals? This is contact. Prison inmates? Yeah, I was going to say, I'm not trying to make a joke. Was it from you being in prison? No, this was something that I learned to a guy named Carmine Balzano.

When I was growing up. That is the most Italian fucking thing. This guy got caught with machine guns. this guy got caught with fucking, you know, not paying parking tickets, rip them tickets up. Like you'd come to him and go, I got $1,000 in tickets, and he'd rip him up. This guy lived corruption,

but what he did was write letters to editors, and he would get his stories always printed. He was a letter writer. And I would look at that, and he'd always say the pen is mightier than the sword sometimes. You know, he'd say in his words, sometimes the pen is mighty than the gun. You know, like he was a cop.

And something, he did something. Just, I got into writing letters. Pick up these and deliver appliances. Like the bridges and shit? Yeah, like, did someone buy them? Were you just found it? No, we would get subcontracted. Okay.

And you would deliver the water and dryer. Yeah. We'd have to go to this place. We pull up at the plane. And it's, you know, 30 air conditions on the loading dock. I go in, I give the guy the bill, no cameras in those days. I give the guy the bill a lady. He gives me the pay for her.

The retard kick comes over. I hope you the refrigerator. He carries it. Then the guy gets in his car, one of his buddies. I'm going to get high. 50 fucking air conditions, I think. I go, Michael, go on the back of that thing. What are you going to do?

You shut your mouth. We started putting the fucking air conditions in that thing. 10, 20. I was with a UPS man. I took every last air condition. all in Brooklyn that air condition on that bar. Jersey, we dropped off the refrigerator

and we turned that motherfucker around and we just drove down the boulevard $100 a piece of air condition. It's July. It was June. It was like stealing. Oh, yeah. We sold them with them one out.

We split the fucking money. I went over to McGraths house, my eighth grade teacher, my football coach, the running back coach. Slash cookie. And I bought a thousand of those little grand bottles of coke from him. Oh, my God.

And I went out with my friends. I told I was in the meter at Joe. Marries, but I took like a fucking quailude, and me and my buddies got fucked up. I woke up the next one. I left it stiff. And we did the same shit every week. Tuesday was McSawley's,

Shillelie Lees, was in Jersey City, 30 cents for an Alabama slammer, and five cents for a mug of beer until 10 o'clock. Damn. At 10.01, you couldn't find a friend. Yeah. 101, the place was vacant. It was fucking crazy. We're out of here.

1001. At 9.45, people get three mugs and three drinks. You see people drinking out of three straws and shit. Wednesday was Lady's Night at the Dome, and Thursday was another lady's night. So we detected because they were 50 cents drink. So come here. Here's a 10.

Go buy you and you six more drink. You know, six or six or six or six. So for seven dollars, you were a hook. Hell, really? Yeah, I'm a big shot today. Well, yeah. So I saw it down there. and I apologize to I'm sorry

In fact I saw on a Wednesday down there And I said I'm sorry about last night I got fucked up And she goes So how about dinner tomorrow I took it to Piccolissimo Fort Lee New Jersey more For a New Jersey

It was adults that had been to Picolice I forget what the guy's name was The guy has a weird name He's missing his stomach though What? He owns the restaurant It's always up What's all right of time

That's a hell of a curse To own a restaurant And be missing your stomach The stomach had a dish called lobster frau Diablo. No, why? He burned his stomach out. No wonder he doesn't have him. Okay.

Oh, fra Diablo is best. The name of this thing was lobster frau Diablo. His name was Johnny Bonico. He owned Piccolesemo. He had no stomachs. He'd always be fucking like, look like, let you food. And I go, Johnny, eat a clam. I can't.

I can't. You know, I got no stomach. That is never messed about what I was. I was a kid and I'm going up there fucking giving orders. Because we'd get like a score and I'd go up there and drop money. Give them a drink. Give them all a drink. Yeah, don't worry about nothing. And people would get pissed.

It was like that scene when Belushi went to the restaurant and Blues Brothers. Oh, yeah. Like, it was white people in Fort Lee. And I would go up there with 16 guerrillas. So I took her on a date up there. They brought you a dish. I'm not even exaggerating. There was just big that looked like a fish.

In the middle, it was pasta. it was surrounded by clams, muscles and shrimp to the deck. God, damn. Two big lobster tails that were cracked open with red sauce on top. No, no, no, no.

Beinga. You'd put your little thing on. She was in heaven. She's eating this fucking thing. Then we'd get out of there. I'd take it down by the Binghamton. The Binghamton was a boat. You'd go on and have a few drinks.

There was a movie theater. That's why I saw 48 hours in Ghostbuses. But outside of there. Your memories. If you snorted coke out there, after like 20 minutes, you get, the rats from the Hudson River were trying to chip away at your car. It was fucking crazy. At your car coming at?

It was crazy. And Freddie Bacossoodo had a hole in this car. So we had to put a fucking piece of two back four over it. And we went down there to make out with chicks and shit. You know, we used to drink for years and throw them out of the hole? And people be driving going, what the fuck? That's all that rust. My buddy had a Volkswagen with a floorboards rusted out, too.

His foot fell through one time on the highway. Oh, geez. He's yelling. We're trying to stop the car, his foot through. So I take this little Tritches. Her name was Lisa Triches, and she has this the name, Sue. She looked just like Pat Benatar in the first video of, You Better Run with the Red and White shirt.

I even made to get a red and white shirt. I don't go get a red and white shirt. Yeah. You're looking like Pat. He started to swap and spit, and I started eating a pussy. And she started, and I remember she used to put topping powder in the pussy, because when I opened it up, a bunch of her came out and hit me in the face, you know what I'm saying? And that bitch is on Facebook.

She ain't dying to be Varian cancer. She's kicking. She's in Jersey. But she had a shot of topping powder hit me in the face. And I ate her pussy. She was banging on the top of the car. I had her out there fucking both legs eating that with Coke Rock on her pussy. No dick.

I cut her off from the dick. No dick tonight. I'm dropping you off at home. and don't even look at me sideways. And then I went over that fucking Friday night. I dropped her off like a gentleman. And we made plans Saturday night to eat a pussy. Saturday night I was going to fuck her.

And we went out, going to a party. I got into a fight in the party. My hand got stuck in a bob wire fence right here as I was getting. He was taking me down. I stuck my hand in the fence and went in there. I'm like, God damn it. Cops came. Me and my boy and her and a piece of ass she had,

Tasia Romano. Taze Romano was a hot piece of ass But once in a while That's a name right there This was one of those bitches That for six months you look good And for six months You show up looking like Lee

So I used to call the Taysia Romano Big Fat Piano Because she would go Then for fucking six months She would not eat a thing And she'd puke and vomit My guest today is my main man And the best interviewer I know

Mr. Ryan Sickler Man, thank you The Flying Jew is also in house. What's up, Doug? Thank you for having it back. That's high praise right there. The best interviewer you know.

I don't open up to nobody. I open up to you. You've wept on my show a few times. You have been moved quite a bit. I'm very impressed by it as always. So thank you for having me back. It's really fun when you, people think, I love when people call you up and go, hey,

I just want to be in your podcast. You know what? I don't even fucking know you. If you look at the podcast, you have high numbers with. It's people you have a feeling with. That's right. You share mutual love with it because

the love gets picked up on the airwaves and people call their friends and say, you've got to this podcast. It's kind of special. It's not special. They've already heard the stories. It's the electricity between two people speaking, which is what I like the most about podcasts.

That's why I don't like fucking 18 people in the room when I do a podcast. I like the intimacy. I like one conversation. You know, once you have six mics going, eight mics going, you have nine different energies and that. It's that one-on-one love. And people feel that when I'm with your podcast,

the Gurus podcast, Tripoli, Eddie Bravo. The numbers are always good because the love is there. Rogan and the millions. Yeah. Red band in the millions because the love is there. And people don't seem to get that. Us as podcasts is the last eight, nine years. You know, yesterday I got hit up by some retard.

I want to start a podcast where we eat hot and spicy chicken nuggets. Oh, yeah, the whole lineup was. Watch that thing will be doing two million downloads. Yeah, like nobody's done that before. Eating a hot and spicy chicken on the fucking line. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, I don't want to eat hot and spicy chicken online. And I really did Hot Wings.

It's on true TV now. I got a feather in my cap. That's it. Now, I'm going to eat spicy chicken. Are you fucking retarded? The host is the kiss of debt and the two other guy. What are they going to do for me? Get the show started and get back to me.

What if you do three episodes and somebody dies from that fucking Chinese chicken you're selling? I got to be a part of that. I'm in the co-conspiracy. Yeah. I'm in the fucking. in the fucking, you know, people just don't get it. That there's a limit that I disappear once it comes to podcast. When you call me with like a fucking game show type podcast, you're in no danger.

Oh, yes, you did that, whatever. I'll put you, you know, if you're going to be that stupid, I got a call from a dear friend of mine that wanted me to do a podcast on a Sunday and a fucking, like a sauna with no clothes on. And I'm like, hey, yeah. First of all, Sunday is the Lord's Day. Number two, on Sundays, I don't really know what I want to do day. I'm just flying back from a show the night before, 50% of the time.

And I really don't know what I want to do. Sunday mornings are my favorite in the world because my wife and baby leave the church at 9. Not to my type of church, some other religion, whatever that fucking Christianity. There's no chickens involved. Yeah, there's no chickens involved. There's no rape. and there's no crackers, you know what I'm saying? My daughter brought home one of those Catholic chocolates the other day.

It tastes like priest penis. She's like, look, daddy. I go, what flavor is it? And in my head, I said, priest peanuts. But I couldn't tell her that, you know. I ended up eating the chocolate later on when I walked up from my coma. She's like, Daddy. Where's that dick chocolate?

Somebody ate boy with my chocolate. I said the priest took it. I don't know about it. He was in a tight spot. the priest. So. Oh my God. That's what.

Well, we're going to get your full life story. We're doing it. I mean, I don't, this is probably going to come out the same week or, or your episode, which we've already recorded,

it will come out. No, this is the week after. No, I'm saying your episode for mine. We already recorded another episode with you on the honeydew. Yes. And that's probably going to come out,

in the same about a week or two. Right. And I think we're only, I mean, what do we? I called them the Denver days. We just got into Denver, so you're early 20s, I think. And we're going to do your, we're going to do your whole life story until we get to current. You know, every day, I put away an hour to write something. And I've been pretty successful with it lately.

It's been working well. And you, your memory doesn't, your memory doesn't really open up and so you start opening it up and reading it back. I've been catching the coffee shop where I go on the afternoon, one hour a day lately. Just one hour and 15 minutes. I park. I get a green tea and I just write out.

And I started on drugs. And it's hilarious. Like there's nights I sit here with Lee and I torture Lee, but Lee knows I love him. Leo will call me next day and say, and say I got so fucked up on that and we'll go, I don't know how you did it. Until this day, people cannot realize the,

the, even I feel it. Like when people give me a pill that says, kill them. You're like the sassprin. I did a fucking, I did two pills about a year and a half ago. I went to do a podcast and the people were junkies,

and they had a bag of pills. And they gave me like a pill and a half. And I am like on a sitting in line. I got fucked up, but that's the day your all Romero came in. Right. And I had to do a podcast with YOL. Then we had to go eat chicken, Cuban food, and I was surprised on how well I kept it together.

It was a Percocet and a Viking combined and something else. I was high for eight hours straight. Yeah. But from my experiences, as a young man, I kept it together. And I started writing this thing for March 25th at the comedy store about addictions. You know, my addiction. throughout all this story I haven't mentioned to you guys

what at 14 if you were to come up to me and said Joey are you ever going to be interested in doing coke or whatever I'd probably beat the fuck out of you but at 14 at 30 I probably started smoking pot at 12 and a half

let's just be safe let's just be safe and not lie to each other 12 and a half, 13. Very subtly. Once a month. It went from once a month. And is this floating through the bar or is this through the school?

This is, like kids in a neighborhood. This is the neighborhood downtown. All right. We had the thing called the woods and we would roll three joints and smoke them in a glass pipe that you carburetor. You sucked on it and then you left the thing going all the airways. We were making them with toilet paper rolls. You do the same thing with toilet paper rolls. Like gravity hits.

With aluminum foil. Yeah. So we were doing all that. In those days, it was very hush, hush. It was me and three other kids. Same age kids? Yeah. We had the Vizine, the bonaca.

The kit, yeah. Yeah. And then we'd walk to this diner on Tunley Avenue that is non-existent. It was a real redneck trucker diner. And they had like the music. on the wall, you know, like when you spin it and play songs. We'd go in there, listen to

Margaritaville and just fucking, then the waitress would come and she'd be like 40 and ugly. She smoked like a thousand cigarettes and she was three. Three. And fucking we'd laugh at him. We'd just start laughing at it. She'd give us the menus and say

I'll come back when you grow up. Wait shit like that. It starts. like a fun thing and then we start by the eighth grade we're doing it uh in between classes sometimes like three of us would get together and smoke a junk go back to class lit up and start making noises in class and giggle and the whole thing and then it was just a slow process i knew that i just liked marijuana i knew the dangers of cocaine i knew the dangers of heroin but then a friend of I came to me and he one day and he goes let's do it acid I was the rolling stones in eighth grade my eighth grade graduation that was his present for me he goes I'm taking you to see the

stones we got to take a hit of window pain acid I'm like oh here we go I go how bad could it be it was bad but I went to the concert I you know and then I kind of liked that I like where it took me I like to I could go home and listen to music and I would pop acid again and I would pop acid Once a month for a while. Then it became twice a month. And then it became a thing that we would do three nights a week. Damn. We're tripping three nights.

For how long? How many years? This one. This is for a year? This is so crazy of me. Half the week is on acid. This is freshman year about November. Oh my God.

We were doing hits acid. Three a week? Three a week. And is it just one hit? a night or you're doubling up on those heads? No. No, okay. One. All right. One would take you. If you did it at six, you'd be cooking to three. And I mean, cooking. Like, you could go home by yourself. Somebody told me a story one time.

Acid, shrooms, opium, things like that didn't come through our way until the Grateful Dead came to town. We would all go to the parking lot. We'd party at the Capitol Center back in the day where they did heavy metal parking lot. That's the Capitol Center. We're there. for the Grateful Dead. And I didn't smoke or anything. But everybody I hung out with did. And I never minded that they did. I kind of enjoyed like seeing what happened.

I'd be like, okay, well, I'm not going to do cocaine. Well, I'm not going to do fucking pills. I'm not. But one of our friends, somebody told me this. I hope this is fucking true. But I guess he had bought a sheet of acid, put it in his pocket to take back with us later that night. And it rained.

And the rain washed the, the fucking acid into his skin. And he was, they said he was, like he had to take him to the hospital. Can't really happen. Come on, that shit can seep. I guess it could, right? It's just acid. I know that I was clean and sober.

I was clean and sober. Okay. I was clean and sober. They threat me with fucking going back to prison and finishing my sentence. And one day I get a call that's a positive. cocaine and I go I don't I don't snort the cocaine I just sell it and I told that to a friend of my he goes are you retarded he goes every time he touched those rocks that stuff goes through your

skin sure you're gonna test pot one time I tested positive I wasn't even doing it it was from touching it so yes I do believe that story especially back then the acid was thicker I never fucked it look I drew you gave you me shrooms. You just gave me shrooms at comedy store. How was it? Okay. They were good. I had them that. I had some that night and then I still have what you gave me to take home with me. Fuck, I got a bag at the house. But I want to, I'll tell you this. So when I first moved out here, because I've only done shrooms like five times. And at one point, I enjoyed it. But also, I'm the same, I'm the guy that's like, all right, it's been five hours.

Get the fuck out of here. You know, I'm like that with company. You know what I mean? Get the, all right. It's, you know, we had a good time. Get the fuck out of here. You don't need, I don't need still be hearing my music. Like, whoa, whoa, wah, wah, after five fucking hours, you know. You know, I get it. But back when I first lived here, this was,

this was in the 1900s, man. This was 97, bro. Late 1900s. 1997, I first moved here to go to college. And that was the whole Northridge quake. I was coming here to go to Northridge when the quake hit and destroyed the school. So I ended up going. going anyway, but I found an apartment for a month then moved in in February, and Pink Floyd

is coming out to the Rose Bowl. And I love Pink Floyd, and I want to go see Pink Floyd, and I want to see him at the fucking Rose Bowl. So my buddy and I get tickets, and he tells me a married couple that he knows is going to meet us there and sit with us as well. I was like, great. So the four of us are hanging out. We're all smoking weed, and the three of them decide to do shrooms and I'm like I'm good I'm just gonna smoke weed and drink get into the show the show is fucking bananas I don't know if you ever seen pink I got to see him here in in DC at RFK when that was still there uh same summer and the pigs are fucking bouncing you know they're all tripping over there on their oh sorry on their shrooms and shit and I look to my left and you've been in a roseball

you're packed in there you know and I look back to my right and my friend Kevin he's he's gone He's gone. And people start yelling and shit. I look back. This motherfucker passed out, okay? And it's those bleacher seats. So when he went back, his feet got hooked under the back of the front one. And he bent in half.

And people instead of catching them, they got scared and they jumped out of the way. His head hits the bleachers behind him. He goes into a full-on seizure. Okay, he's going crazy. His eyes. And they're like, is he epileptic? I'm like, I don't fucking know. I have no idea.

Were you tripping? No, I only smoked weed and drank, but the three of them, they're all to my right. It's him and then the merry couple. She sees it. And I think guilt got to her and everything because she's the one that gave him the shrooms. She starts throwing up in her like $50 concert shirt. They're all having a bad trip because he's having a full-off fucking seizure. Welcome to the church of what's happening now, everybody.

I'm Ryan Sickler sitting in tonight, not really in, but in. And next to the one and only Joey Coco Diaz here also, Lee Scyte. This is a special edition, I guess, of the church. You've never had anyone do this before. No. This is an honor. I'm serious. That's a night show.

You should like Freddie Prince. Yeah. And John. Jones will come on. John Rivers will come on. Yeah. I'm your first guest host. Yes.

I fucking love it. And I love that you're here for it, though. A lot of times guest hosts and you're not here. Somebody else I'm hosting. No. No. So we have been documenting your life. on the honeydew.

We have done about 40 hours or we're only at 1980. Fuck it six. We got through 1985 and 86 last time on the honeydew. So why don't we pick up here with January of 1987? January of 1987,

I found myself working at a car washing bowl to drying off cars. That was one of those guys outside. Freezing. Freezing, drying off cars. I started the job. like the second week of December and I worked Damn

minimum wage plus tips All right and so just let me refresh here How old are you in 87 now? How old are you? 24. Okay. Yeah, 24. 63 and 4.

24. So I'm wiping down windows, washing on cars and the only hustle I have are the tips. How can I steal the tips? How can I steal the tips? You know what I'm saying?

If you break up the tips, I go from making seven to like 980. That's not going to work for Uncle Joey. I hate to kick up my income. So I figured out that if I drive the car and the guy tips me, if nobody's watching, it goes in my pocket. Oh, you see, hateful. Fuck the jaw. You know what I'm saying? Oh, so everybody had to pull all the...

Yeah, here I am getting a nickel. And I got a shirt with these fucking MOOCs to the moving half the speed of me. So that lasted for a few weeks. and I saw an ad or somebody told me about a body shop that was hiring a detailing apprentices. Now, I wasn't fucking getting rich at the car wash. I went down to this, whatever the fuck it was, and I apply, and the guy happens to be from New York.

This the body shop? The body shop, paint shop, detailing shop. And he goes, I am looking for a big guy, but it may not be you. I got a position for a position called the Shagger. And where you watch cars, you help the body guys. You got to be here at 6 in the morning. It doesn't pay overtime.

It pays like 220 a week. And you're here till you're here. And you work hard to become a detailer. And that's where you make your money. Well, I started there like in November, January, right before the Super Bowl, The Giants went to the Super Bowl against somebody. And maybe the Bronco. I started a week or two before the Super Bowl,

because they invited me to their Super Bowl party. They were nice guys and, you know, whatever. I fit in, but I didn't, you know. I did my job. I was really good at it. I used to have to go to car dealers. So this particular body shop, worked for a chain called the Crouches in Boulder.

At that time they had Suzuki, Subaru, you know, Accura. He had like four or five, Mitsubishi, he had like four or five different chains and we washed those cars in Honda, Metro Honda we had or something Honda. So I became friendly with all the guys. Hey, hey, you doing what's going on?

I would help the detailers and pick up cars. and I became friendly with this guy from Jersey and a Subaru dealership. I would go to the Subaru dealership and they'd be like the ice cream man got there. What's up, motherfucker's. What up? Oh shit, there he is. Jersey Joe. Oh, shit.

There was a skinny guy from Detroit that looked like a junkie, real good looking. He was cool. The guy's name was Peter Pinto, the manager. There was a dude named Carlos. And I just became friends with him. The lot boy there was working a tremendous. Mender scam.

He was selling it. He was getting like, he was one of those guys that was making $350 an hour, but he was making $80,000 a year. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? He was one of those guys.

How do you got an above ground pool, he fucking. He was getting maybe 10 an hour, but he drove like a Porsche because he was taking the Subaru's, the SL10, the high end stereos, and why you bought the car,

he would come up to you and go, let me talk to you about some. What do you want to do here? This stereo. sucks. What if I could put an SL 10 in there if 100 falls out of your pocket? And he would all send the bank came

when they're like, all the SL10 fucking radios are missing. They're all shitty AM radios. It's fucking hilarious. This place was a a thieves paradise. Putting the AM radios in place. Not even something. This place is crazy.

So now they're yelling at me. When are you going to become a salesman? and I'm like, I'm no fucking car salesman. Stop that shit. That's the third guy. And like that three years, I kept bothering me to go sew cars. I'm like, I'm not going to go fucking sell cars.

You people are fucking crazy. So I kept, and I got promoted to a detail. And that's when you get like, I forget what the, but the pay raise was huge. I went from making $2.20 to like $1,000 a week. Now I'm doing some powder.

I got a little apartment inside. Boulder. My girlfriend would come over. I'd give her a couple bumps. Eat a little monkey. She'd go home and I'd do the rest of it. I'd hold out on it. I only got a little bit. You got a little bit. You got. I have to go to school anyway. You suck. I thought you got more. Get the fuck out. And then I do my thing. And it was great. I loved detailing. I really liked it. I like this to being alone. I like listening to music. Everybody there smoked pot. You know, it was really cool. But one of my best pieces of work there was once I started leaning I became a detailer right away like they said it takes 90 days it took me like 24 day and they had no choice I was out

working everybody I was just one of those dudes that even with a monkey on my back I'm out working you I ain't working for 220 a week but the thing that kept me there was a burrito lady was a burrito lady that came every day at like nine o'clock with green chili and mashed potatoes in a burrito. Lee, your head would explode. It was in a blender. She'd put it in a blender. You could taste the little pieces of pork in there.

So she used a tortilla with a bag. And she let you run a tab, and you could pay her on Friday. Oh, shit. Oh, she was beautiful. I loved it. But then I was getting hot cigarettes at the time. I had a friend who was giving me hot cigarettes. I go, you sell cigarettes on the roachcoach.

She goes, yeah, I'll trade you cigarettes for fucking burritos. So I had her on the cigarettes. a burrito plan. It never ends. The hustle never ends, dog. You don't understand. It never ends. It never ended.

What's the conversion? How many cigarettes for a burrito? I don't know. I forget those days. I don't know what she was giving me picardin. And then I would get the burritos for like a dollar off. They were like $2 a dollar. Dilly.

Delicious. I mean, you couldn't live without. That made me hungry when you said the blender. I would snort coat. I would snort coat thinking about that burrito. Like this doesn't matter. Stayed in town. Just at the end of this shit, I'm getting six of those motherfuckers for breakfast.

And every once in a while she'd run out of him, but she'd want you to get to my stop. Like, well, give me a six potato. I'm all out. What do you mean you all out? You know I need two to fucking make this party happen here? I don't want the red pork. Do I look like I want red pork? I'm trying to fucking, you know what I'm saying?

That was like the guy. And I became partners with a dude who was on steroids. And one night I went to his house. to work he's like he kept telling me he wanted me to do him a favor wait i'm just hold on one second partners in the detail in business now no he was a detail okay big yo kid and you went off and did your own thing now no no no me and him were goombas i see just got it got it he watched my back i watched he was a big white boy good fucking dude good family but i went to his eye he goes can you come over with me and help me with some stuff at the house i go yeah i didn't know what to expect i go over the

guy goes listen man me and my girlfriend broke up and she's the only one can shoot me with steroids can you shoot me with steroids I don't know about shooting nobody I can't even see needles he's like you the only only can do it you can do it I'll talk you through it I mean and then I'm like I don't want to do this you should you should do some steroids you got a great bill

you lift and I'm like I'm not shooting it and I drank a bottle of steroid juice that must have definitely fuck my son back at the robin I just drank it my face turned red for like an hour. So this is, I'm talking, I'm fucking, I'm out of my mind. I'm out of my mind, guys. I'm snoring Coke on the weekends, Mali.

I drank a whole container of Decad de Roblin, one of those little syringes. God knows what's going to happen. So it's supposed to be shot intravenously. So this is how fucking nuts I was. At the time I'm living with like another couple and they're just doing coke all the time. She's walking around with her panties.

He would pass out. She'd come talk to me with a panties. And I, you know, it was just not a good scene. So I got my own apartment. I moved somewhere else. And it brazed me up a little bit, like my numbers. You know, like now I had to pay real rent. I was paying, like, for a room and a house.

Now I had to pay real rent. And I was making money detailing. But this cut into my fucking Cocoa local time. I used to go to fucking that one place to serve the French fries with the endless... Red Robin. Red Robin. He used to make Cocoa Locos. I'd make a tip like two extra vodka's in there.