The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - The CHURCH: BEST of RYAN SICKLER, Vol. 2 | with JOEY DIAZ & LEE SYATT

Episode Date: September 25, 2023

The CHURCH: BEST of RYAN SICKLER, Vol. 2 | with JOEY DIAZ & LEE SYATT   #307 - Recorded live on 08/10/2015 - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=btjzrMDmmzk&t=50s #326 - Recorded live on 10/18/2015 - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_vKnZ9yP0Hs&t=2354s #635 - Streamed live on 11/14/2018 - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rYfW6w1P7KQ&t=135s #710 - Uploaded on 08/15/2019 - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PwYUv7igFx8 #768 - Uploaded on 3/11/2020 - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mj6dEhoYH4U&t=4s #811 - Uploaded live on 08/10/2020 - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ikogZO3b7zo   This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT!   Go to https://www.onnit.com & Enter PROMO CODE: JOEY, JOINT or CHURCH The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz  #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #TheChurch #LeeSyatt #RyanSickler

walk in, like townhouse you walk in and it's got stairs that go up, but they sort of go back deep, not terribly wide, but a little bit. And there's always a half bath right when you walk in the front door right there on your right. Just a toilet and a sink, okay? He's got these shit problems. He's going upstairs to the main bathroom. He's going to the second one. They're all being used. It's a small townhouse with like 100 people in it. And he's telling his wife, he's like, I'm happy to shit in that half bath. And the living room is packed full people eating and everything. She's like, don't do it. He's like, I'm going to have to shit. I'm going to have to go in there and do it.

And he just said, sorry. And he went and did it and I mean, he said he was in there for 25 minutes that came out. He said, the food, everything, he ruined everything. The party, fucking, they all left. They all fucking left. And she had to go back and work. Well, he didn't

have to see him. She had to see him. They were like, man, your husband shit this house up and ruined a fucking... That's a horrible, horrible situation. That's hard. But you need that half-fair, though. Listen, man, I used to do a lot of coke. I go to people's houses.

I do two bumps of coke. And the first thing you got to do is take the shit. And I tell them, you got another bathroom. They go, no, use that one. I go, oh, Jesus. And listen, the worst shit you'll take are the ones in some of these houses. The sticky ones. You have two rolls of toilet paper.

They don't have no more rolling paper. You got to fucking yell out for them for fucking toilet paper. The worst shits I have to take are when I'm out. You know, at that coffee shop we go to, Marie E.T. Oh, really? And you got to run to the bathroom, then there's somebody in there shit in already.

I get furious. Well, sometimes I just drink coffee and got to pee, and I run to the bathroom, and somebody took a shit in that bathroom. My blood pressure goes 200 over. I get furious, people who shit on the outside. Because I try my heart as not the shit in the street. Oh, yeah.

I really do. I really fucking do. I hate, and I always have to shit when I'm leaving the house, it seems like. When I'm just about to leave the house normal, that's why I'm calm. I get up at 6th. I give myself a few hours.

Fake it out a little bit. There's people will leave the house and expect to go to somebody else's place or residence or business and fuck up their bathroom. Your friend, I understand. He was very sick.

I don't want people coming over to my house and taking this shit. No, hell no. Not like that. You know when people come over and they look like Ari will come to your house and go, can they use your bathroom? That means fucking you're done.

You're done. You're done. I haven't had a house with a guy for a while. My dad was just here. There was a family story that he went, we went to hit my aunt's house and sisters and he pooped and then my cousin went in and puked.

She was like 10. From the smell? Just vomited? She came in crying. Uncle Dickie, you made my you made me puke from your poop. How many fucking places that I go to them when I was doing blow and I destroyed the batten

to the point where the toilet got stuck because when you do cocaine it loosens everything up. You start dropping everything. Everything. Everything. Pah, paw, paw, legs. Wings, bones. Oh my God, it's fucking horrible.

I miss cocaine. There's a matchbox star here. That's the one thing about cocaine. You do it and it cleans you out and then you're running on an empty stomach the rest of the night. Your stomach is growling, but you don't want to eat because you're fucking doing powder. It's tremendous.

I'll never forget. My grandmother used to tell me this story all the time. My grandmother was hip and she and one of our cousins, he was older, but they shared a birthday, December 8th, I believe. And they would always get to, together for coffee and hang out on their birthday. And they went to this place that was called White Coffee Pot Jr.

Back in Baltimore, and they were sitting down having coffee. And my grandma said, oh, my God, I need to use the bathroom. So she goes into the ladies' room. She's telling us this. And she sits, she squats over the toilet, and she got terrible diarrhea. And she said, I cleaned myself. And when I was done, I turned around to put the toilet paper in, and nothing was in the toilet.

And she said, I looked up on the wall, and it was everywhere. It's sprayed all up on the wall, and she's like, oh, my God. So she runs out and washes her hands, and as she's getting ready to come out, here comes a female attendant to clean it. My grandmother just looked at her and goes, I don't look with some sick son of a bitch in there. Dude, that's disgusting. Hold-ass out of there. It was perfect.

It was perfect. It was the timing of death. She just thought quick. It's fucking disgusting. I can't even be in here. I almost shit myself the other day. I was at the urinal when my mom, my dad and Paul, I meant and I was taking a piss and I thought I had to fart and I like almost came out.

I was able to stop it at the last minute. It's a horrible situation when you shit yourself. I do it once a year. Just do it. You don't know. Only once a year? You eat like bad food. You don't know.

You go there for the first time and people are like, oh, it's great food. And you go in there and they give you that fucking canned shrimp. That canned shrimp goes through me. Like water, yeah. Last week, a bunch of my friends said that golden chopsticks is good. I'm low. I've always driven by it. So the yard I go, you know what, honey, you want Chinese?

I want Chinese. Let's go to the golden chopsticks. Mercy didn't want to go nowhere. So I'll go get it. We ordered it on the farm. The shrimp was horrible. The wings were delicious until you bit into them, and then you could see they were glued together.

Like the 7-Eleven wings, they're purple. They got like the low gray, the wings. The chickens got cancer or something. They got weak wings. Their wings break. The wings were delicious. The best wings in L.A. 10-15.

My wife was saying, Best wings you could ever have in LA at rice on La Ciena next to Vito's pizza down there Oh, I know where Vito's is They used to be a place named Rice next door Now it's something else They serve sushi

But 15 years ago When I was 418 I didn't have to be 418 I would go to rice and get three order of wings Six to an order Garlic wings No sauce, no blue cheese No celery, just fucking wing meat

With garlic juice on it Chinese style fresh delicious 6.95 apiece. Really? 8.95. I didn't give a fuck. Me and my wife were going on. I get the lunch special and three order of fucking wings.

The tables, and my wife said to me, she said to me, she said, we'd never had those wings again. Just delicious. And this place, the wings were, like I said, I didn't get sick the next day. I'm not going to lie to you. The pork fried rice was, I didn't eat a lot of it. The shrimp and garlic sauce

was just horrific. And it was the shrimp. If they were to use the size big, it would Once you give me those little shrimp, you're insulting me. Yeah, thank you. You want to use those for shrimp fried rice? I'm not mad at you. But for shrimp and garlic sauce, you got to go a little bigger.

And we got something else. I ate some white rice, and that was it. I love shrimp, but I don't get it very many places. Like, it's, if I don't, I'll have to go to, like, a Thai place for a while before I try, like, their shrimp pat tie. I'm a seafood snob, man. People, shrimp cooking, like, two minutes. People overcook them. They're always rubbery and shit.

Then you start freezing them. They don't have to freeze them. They have to freeze them. fuck all that shit up. I told my wife to stop buying the shrimp from Costco. Same thing. The big bag we went. And then you would go out and eat shrimp and you're like,

Jesus, that tastes like real fucking shrimp. They give me that old, and I told me that's that old fucking. Some Jew, listen, when they dropped that Exxon 11th, some fucking Jew is like, go down there and buy everything up. Sharks, everything that's floating with oil. We'll wash this shit off and we'll freeze it.

We'll freeze this shit. And that's what they did. Some fucking sick, fucking white dude Went down there with a net. I think I'm kidding you. They don't show you that shit. They gotta save them fish. If they weren't sold here, they were sold somewhere else.

They were sold somewhere else. They scooped those little Exxon oil fish before the oil goes into the skin. The BP one, I think you're saying. You watch those motherfuckers off and you freeze them. You put some salt and pepper on them to freeze them like that and you're selling to fucking whoever. They don't know what the fuck you.

And that's why I think that Costco shrimp is. It's definitely like related to that shrimp. Like the second cousins to that oil flipped his shrimp. To that situation. You know what I mean? Much like what he's saying with you, like you want to hear what you're going to say next. People really enjoy, you know, the whatever it is behind it. The sarcasm, the smart-assness, the funny, the clever, you know, because the other thing, too, as comedians,

we say what people are thinking, but we're, I think it's our. job to say that same thing in a way they've never thought of saying that does that make sense yes it's not that makes a lot of sense so it's 100% relatable but maybe you pick the right word here or you know chose it to say it this way instead uh and so it still hits home but it's like wow because i you know i think it's our job to to write beyond that i think if someone pays you to see that if i'm going to relate to you i should be able to say it to in a way maybe you hadn't thought about saying it but you get my point exactly. That makes sense.

Absolutely. You're freaking me out of it. You look good too, Joey Dia. So do you. Everybody's looking good. Lisa. I got some sun to them and shit. This weekend up there in the Southern Resort,

whatever the fuck you were. I had a good time in Minneapolis. That's a great little fucking room. I hear it, yeah. The super nice people. Some guy gave me maple syrup and rice. and then he wrote me a note, but he didn't write me his fucking name. I can't even give him a fucking shout out.

He gave you syrup and rice? Was it cooked rice or was it just a bag of each? Like in a bag to cook it? Then some other guy gave me two hits of acid. People asked me if I want to do meth. That's a crazy fucking damn. You guys got to send me to the... I lost the acid.

I can't find it. It was in my wallet somewhere. I don't know what I did with it. Oh, my God. I'll bump into that. Someday when you're in an airport stuck. You stick your head in one of your compartments, and there it is.

A hit of acid. You got a nine-hour stop. And you got some ESAs, you got a vapor pen. Fuck it. You go for broke, Jack. I told you. Look, here it is. I smoke weed, obviously.

But drugs have always, they've always scared me for me. But in the right situation. What's the worst drug you've ever done? I mean, outside of weed, the only two drugs I've ever done are shrooms one time, and I did ecstasy like twice. What did you think of the... And the first time it didn't work, the second time a girlfriend I was dating from Argentina gave me. that we shit we went and rented a cabot up in big bear that was the one of the greatest nights of my life i mean it was how long were you high for oh hours sick five hours maybe and i mean

i understood finally because everyone kept describing to me what it did and how it felt and finally when i felt that permanent smile get plastered on my face i was like oh this is what it is and it was just that was a lot of fun but shrooms to me i enjoyed that shit for like 45 minutes And then I was just like, all right, I want this. Enough. Get it out of me. Get it out of me. You know, I always, if I ever, I don't know, most of the time I don't get high.

I just, you know, smoke and I relax. And then you just dissipate and float out of it. But with shrooms, that shit just hung around. And I wanted it to be over. I was like, enough of this. Last Sunday we did a head of Aston on the show. And it was pretty intense. It got pretty intense at moments.

It was. And it was fun. and I had to leave because if not, we were to stay here until 6 in the morning. Like, that's how you feed an acid trip is with people talking, conversation, and smoking weed. I don't know if I could have gone out publicly like I used it. You could go out publicly on acid? When I was 16.

Where did you go? I didn't have a house. I lived with some people, but I couldn't stay in and watch TV with them and do a hit of acid. So you met four of your friends. and you took ahead of acid at 7.30. That meant by 11. You're burning. You are burning.

How old are you? 16, 17. And you're behind the high school. See, I would have come with you, but I would have been scared to death to do the assets. Looking at the clouds. We'd get, in those days, you bought $25 got you like dirty joints. So you rolled them up. You rolled up 30 joints before you went out.

So everybody knew where they stood. Like, we're not going home. We smoked 30 fucking joints. That's crazy. And sometimes we'd smoke 25 and we'd take a joint home for the morning, you know, like that. We were tight. But that was it. But we went out until 4 or 5 in the morning when you tripped your fucking balls.

I don't think I'd like that. Walking around. Or we do what we did the night and go to the midnight movie. That's a blast. You don't freak out sitting in a movie theater? No. In fact, you... Can you even concentrate on the movie?

Yes, the movie sucks you in. Okay. The colors are brighter. At least that's right. Yeah, at one point, the movie would just suck you in. At first, you'll be, like, I wouldn't take lead to see, like, the Rocky Hara picture show. Oh, that was terrible. Because I'd kick them, I couldn't, I'd stab him while we were sitting there and go crazy.

Get me the fuck out of here. I feel like you'd kill people at the Rocky Horror Pitcher Show. Like, I went once, and they got so excited. They were, like, jumping up in their seats. A girl broke up with me over not going to the Rocky Hoverichel. You got a personal vendetta for that. We weren't even boyfriend, girlfriend. Well, were you?

I was 19. She was 27. She was my neighbor. She was an Italian girl from Milwaukee, and she had a sister, Tia, Mia, something. And she used to cut my hair, man. I was a 19-year-old kid. I just moved from Jersey to Basalt, Colorado.

Holland Hills. I'm living in Holland Hills in a house with four fucking bedrooms. and three guys that are fucking each bench pressing 480, you know. One of them went back to live. His mom had a heart attack, so he left. And the one guy that was a garbage man, he was a garbage man in Aspen, and he'd come home every night with skis and shit like that. It was a pretty bizarre time.

I was a young kid. I was fresh out of New York. Everything I looked at had a price tag. You know, I was a shark, man. I was a fucking shark. But these girls lived next door to me. And they were very nice. They'd come over and they'd make dip and they were like Green Bay Packer fans and we'd watch football and blah blah blah blah.

And the girl said, you know, I cut hair. The older one is like I cut hair. So I went over there one day and she's cutting my hair, blah, blah, blah, okay. And then, you know, we were just friends. And then sometimes I would go to her where she worked at a wine shop called the grog shop. I still remember. And I would meet her and she would give me a ride what's called Down Valley. Like if you work in Aspen

You have to go down valley You have to go past snow mass Pass old snow mass Into basalt and Woody Creek And all that shit So You know we would just flirt We would just flirt

And one night I asked her Blatently Blatently I said She goes what's your I said oh she was cut my hair And I put my hand under her skirt And she goes

What's your problem And I go I like you I got a crush on you She goes just say so just don't put your hand under my skirt that's not gentleman like she goes what do you want to do you want to take me on a date you just want to fuck just tell me your intentions

it was that blatant like it was that blatant and I go I really don't know I just I don't know I thought I'd take it to a movie or something and she goes I'll date you but you got to move out of next door she goes I can't date a neighbor it'll never happen and I was moving anyway we were moving at the end of the month

so I waited till July 1st and I hitchhiked down there this is the savage I am I fucking hitchhite down there at 10 o'clock at night and I just knocked on the screen door and she's like what are you doing there? I go I moved out I'm ready for our date

what do you want to do and she goes come on in and I think we did a little blow her sister was there the sister was really nice we talked for a little while and then she took me upstairs and I think we stayed up all night and did dirty stuff

and she'd draw me home the next day and it was like she was older but I remember the first time my roommate and snowmast caught me with it because she would go to work 5 to 12 or 5 to 10 so she would come up in the afternoons and my buddy would be working

but he knew her from the building we all lived together next to it and I just never told them that I was with it nobody's business she came up one afternoon with Bree cheese That's the first time I ever ate Brie cheese and an apple dog. I'm American cheese type of guy.

At that time, I had only tasted American and Swiss cheese. And that was all. How did you know that? And she showed up with Brie fucking cheese on an apple. And she smeared it on the apple. And I'm like, are you fucking crazy? I'm from Jersey. At that time, I was hustling Columbia House.

Yeah, I remember. It was a record company named Columbia House. So I was hustling him. So I was like 20 cassettes for a penny or some shit like that. Eight cassettes. They had that road CDs when I was going on. And then the next three were at 2199. And you had to buy four albums in a year to cancel your subscription.

Fuck you. I would put that penny on a postcard because remember you had to put a penny. You had a fucking Scotts tape a penny on a postcard. And your little stamps for the albums you wanted. And you'll stand it. So I would keep sending it to the same address, only in the different names. So my godmother wouldn't know what that. the fuck.

Every time I go to my government, you keep getting these bills up here. Who's Carlos Torres? Don't worry about. And then I started doing it all. I started doing anybody's house I went. I would take their address down. And I would talk to my mother.

My mother would go, you got a box over at Guillermo's house. And I go, really? And I go over to Guillermo's house for a year. He got bills for me. And he would come to the bar. Why am I getting bills at my house from Columbia House? I scam from Columbia House like every album. They had Christmas albums, black albums, Spanish hours.

We had a teacher that told us, he told us in high school, we were sophomores. He gained it straight up. He's like, I'll be honest with you. If you're under 18, you don't have to pay for shit. And he told all of us, he encouraged us, go get all those CDs you want. And then when they send you a bill, he said, take out a crayon and write, I'm 16 and send that shit back. And you'll never hear from ever again. So we would do the same thing, but we wouldn't do it that much.

We would send it to a buddy over here or down the street. Oh, I ordered everything on magazines. I ordered the thing. I wanted a little trophy. When I first came from Cuba, I couldn't wait to get a trophy. Just a trophy? I just wanted a trophy. Sometimes you just want a trophy.

Sometimes you want a kid cat. I just wanted a trophy. What kind of trophies you want? So I just wanted a trophy. Anything. So Joe Weida had this thing. The most of the guy. There was a guy at the beach, a chick with a skinny guy at the beach.

beach and the muscle guy comes over and kicks sand in his face it was like a cartoon and then you sent a dollar 99 to joe weida and he sent you back training tips and a trophy that you were a weight lifter and you would have to do the push-ups and then you came back a week later and beat the guy up to taking your chick when you had muscles what a marketing scale oh i see all right yeah jesus christ this is hilarious like i had little trophies from joe wita i oh that's when you had to order whoopee cushions right x-ray glasses so they'd show you x-ray glasses that'd be a girl in the bikini and you with x-ray glasses on it like this with your mouth open those x-ray glasses didn't fucking work you got beat jack right he did you'd be late then they had Spanish fly

and I remember that the first time me and my buddies bought Spanish fly what we're gonna give it to and we gave it to one of my friend's grandmother we all went over there and watched fucking Donnie and Marie and we just stared at the grandmother for like two hours to see if she would scratch her pussy anything. Give us a sign that your own honey grandma. Grandma didn't do shit so we never because if she was, you were eyes

ready. Oh yeah, we were like in the 8th grade. I'll never forget the kid giving up his mother. He's like fuck her, let's use it on my mother. I don't want to say his name because people I hate him but I still remember going to his house watching the Donnie and Marie

family hour. He was grandma. Like four of us just sitting there going. Is she scratching the pussy yet? Like, is she fingering herself? Like, we're all way... Like, she's just going to do that in the living room. Like, you're such a fucking idiot when you're a kid. Yeah, you are.

Spanish flies and make a woman go crazy. And that was the ad. Like, the ad was a girl in a bar, and then a girl passed out like Cosby's, and you're fucking... That was the lead. That was the ad in the late 60s, you meeting a girl at a bar,

like with a martini glass, and the next minute you're both in bed, like giggling, like making love. that was the ad for Spanish fly so guaranteed women will get loose yeah but then you're not supposed to give it to the grandma but that was our

you're a kid they didn't know before we gave it to girls in the second grade before we gave it to girls in the seventh grade seventh grade like eighth grade we wanted to test it like we got in the mail on a Friday and we couldn't wait we couldn't fucking wait to test on somebody

so this kid volunteers grandma she's gonna be over there my mom's gonna be out playing cards. If she dies, who gives her fuck? And we get, I never forget he gave Grandma like two capsules. Put him in like what, tea or something? Yeah. Grandma, you want some warm milk? Bless

your heart. We're sitting there all night, fucking howling, waiting for Grandma to start finger banging herself. That night we left there depressed as fuck. Was Grandpa's that life? We lost our investment. We were a bunch of perverted kids. And there was a time you order pornos. You could

order pornos and it came with a fucking projector up it came with equipment super rate projector so it was a super eight projector and a point and two homemade pornoes and you had to send the money order so you had to walk up to the fucking chinese store or the post office get a money order you couldn't go to your mother and get a check in those days it wasn't like now that they could deposit a check you had to wait 22 days for a check to clear in the fucking 60s and 70s it was a nightmare so we had to get a money order and I I still remember waiting six weeks for the fucking camera to come, and it came in a box, and you plugged it in.

And it was very frail, and it just had two things, and it was super eight. So it had two reels, and you connected this one to this one, you pest play. And it wound until the other. And then we just go 10, 9, 8, 7, 6. And it worked? Yeah, and it would go down to, like, and all of a fucking chick that was beat up would come up, and she was stucking some guy's dick that was huge,

and they were disgusting pornography. it wasn't nothing like what you see today the chick didn't know she was being taped you know most of the times there were rapes that were being filmed and he's are being mailed the people there was no legislation nobody nobody nobody nobody was this like a porn magazine like they would be like a cheap porn magazine there was a portarican porn magazine called pika pica it was naked women with their faces covered why do I want to see that? Right. Like this guy was tricking chicks.

Like he would take him home and take their pictures and put like black over their eyes. They would show you that pussy. Like they had that magazine. I forgot what magazine we got it from. But I remember it was like five of us that chipped in. And we all went up to my attic and we fucking put curtains on the wall like a sheet. And we made sandwiches. Sandwich.

And we thought we were about to see like this fucking, you know, like, fucking Farrah Fawcett got fucked. It was some chick with flat pitties that had been shot. You know, some black guy with a big, big dick. The kid, I mean, one of the kids, you know, in the bit I said that one of the kids started crying. He was like 12. Like, we were like 14, 13, and we're watching this big black dick

fucking a white chick. Like, we never saw that before. Everybody went home. Like, well, like, turn it off, turn it off. It's all over. Like, nobody wanted to have sex no more. That's bad. That's how bad board was.

Yeah. You could buy anything in the fucking mail. Anything. Right out of a fucking magazine. The best was getting magazines and send them to people's houses. You mean for like, just like the CD or the cassette, your worms. I go to the dentist office. You go to the magazine, People magazine, there'd be a thing.

Fill it out, send it in. We'll send you 10 copies. I'd fill out sent it to Lisa Aetton. For a year. Any one time I went to an office, never said. I'd send him to leave, and I'd wait for him to say one night. I don't know what's going on. I keep getting these magazines into my house, and I would die a laughter.

I would do that to people confident. If I wanted to fuck with you, I'd send your cabs. Like at two in the morning. And tell the cab driver to ring the doorbell. And then they're expecting the fair and everything. My grandma's death, please ring the doorbell. This bitch was fine to the bone. And stinky, my friend Stinkie used to give them a luke stick for it.

So now I would double dating. what six months he gave it down like over four years everyone so long in the winter tasia took glenn to the other room i got trenches in the other room now she's playing catholic girl you're starting to cry i don't know it hurts don't put it too close to my pussy i got a half gram in my pocket i don't need the sacrivation you know what i'm saying so at six the morning i go listen get your life together we'll go throw some holy water on it's like it never happened i was a gentleman and i said i got a half a g in my pocket this will get me home and I walked home.

And guys, this says, I walked into the door where I was living. The phone rang. It was her. And she goes, I thought about it. Let's do it. I was like, all right. And she picked me up. It was seven in the morning.

I went back to her house. I gave her a stab and there was blood. There was tears. There was a lot of rubbed in the back. He got to rub that back. I was going to rub her back. I got to rub her back. She was a zombie.

I'm going to go to hell. Don't worry about it. There's plenty of dick. hell to party. Let's start this fucking thing. God, damn. And guess what? Like a week later, I saw, she was very cold to me.

Then we had a couple of, like, weird discussions. I was totally in love with her. Like, I was in love with her for real. I would have gotten married at that age. Like, that's how in love with her I was. But after those two weeks, I was like, you know, that's something ain't right here. This is something beyond my control.

And I was a criminal. I was a criminal. I had no future. And I didn't have, I couldn't see there was no future. So I kind of walked away from her a little bit. I went to Colorado. I heard she was dating some other guy eating pills and partying and shit. Good friend of mine.

I never held a hell to the guy. Never even mentioned it to him. That was me and her were long done. And then I went back to New York one day and I went to a Coke dealer's house. And there she was looking beautiful. She said, hello, we talked a little bit. And she said, let's stay in touch. And between you and I in my mind, the coop had flown already.

It wasn't that I wanted to fuck her. I really liked. I grew up with her. I've been around for the last, you know, this is 1978. I'd been around this girl. But something wasn't right, you know. Six months later, I called her because she was a travel agent. I asked if she'd get me and my buddy's stinky plane tickets to Hawaii.

And she goes, call me tomorrow. I'll give you a quote. And when I called the next day, she goes, I gotta be honest I'd rather you never call me again. Really? Yeah, just like that. And I said, okay,

Kesarasa at the age of 21, I got one of my biggest lessons of love. Fuck them, send them roses and move the fuck on, bitch. Greetings from Podcastville. It's a pleasure to be here on the anniversary of your, would that be your inaugural incarceration? Inargue. That's the first one.

That is a pleasure to be here on that anniversary, my friend. That it was a Monday morning and that Friday at 4.30 they called. So that's what I wanted to ask you. Did you know you were going or did you get caught in something and taken? No, I knew. You were going to court that day. I knew that I knew I was, there was a good chance of me going to prison, but I didn't know for sure until that Friday.

And what for? What was this one for? This was for the kidnapping. This was kidnapped. They called and they said, the attorney goes, he's sitting down. He goes, Department of whatever turns you down, community corrections. They turned you down. So you got two options.

You're looking at prison or you're looking at me putting you into a work release program. But if community corrections turns you down, you can't stay in the community. So he goes, right now you're looking at 10%, 90, 10, whatever you do this weekend, have a good weekend. Oh, shit. And we're walking into court Monday at 9. and right there I sat I got a little crushed I took the chicken I was cooking out I liked that little grease on the side where you put your Italian bread in

I ate it and I go fuck it if this is my last week and I might as well make it a good one I didn't cry I didn't freak out I knew this day was coming when was the question so right there I go I'm not gonna go to jail I'm gonna talk this judge out of it like that's how cocaine and how retarded that one I'm gonna go tell this judge what time of this not a second of any fucking got a long I wasn't gonna write a speech or nothing

I was just gonna go on there tell him what's going on here he was selling drugs me and my friends were taking the drugs off the street where I come from that's a superhero okay so knock it off with the jail time here this is a conversation amongst men the cocaine's off the street

you know what I'm saying everybody's alive let's let's wrap this up you're well why are we gonna pay the tax fucking pays why are we gonna burden the tax pay

that was the speech that I went in 10 that cocaine told you to say that was the cocaine and all weekend alone you should have heard me I was like fucking Trump without the teleprompest

I was fucking practicing and like tell them like this is what went down you're on and it's no big deal you're not big deal you know what I'm saying And I never forget walking in there on Monday And he looked me up up and down

And my attorney's saying You like to address the speech He liked to address the court And I took two steps forward And as I went to speak My voice Disappeed I sound like a little fucking mousy fag

I just want you to know that And it just broke and broke and broke and broke like he was he looked like a little fidel Castro with a compact head he had a tiny little head but it was all bare he looked like a baby gorilla all you could see were lips and two little white italian eyes i remember he told me to step back like i had broken apart like i just fell apart like i'm not ashamed to say it whatever speech whatever i have been doing on playgrounds and parks and delis for 20 years he scared the fuck out of me

like my brother. I've never seen this on mushrooms, okay? And I don't know if it's the shrooms or the fact that he hit his head so goddamn hard on this thing. But I don't know what to do. And I look up at her and she's, you know, she's like, oh my God, it's coming for me next. You know that mindset?

And I just start smacking them as hard as I can in the fucking face. I'm smacking the shit out of them. Pink Floyd, the pigs are fucking going. Oh, I just lost my headphones. Sorry. and they're banging and banging and banging and he's having a seizure and then finally he snaps out of and everybody's like holy shit I'm like dude are you are he's like did I just pass out I'm like yeah yeah I go how long do you think you were out he's like I don't know for like three three minutes he's

like I was like you're out for about 15 seconds I was like dude but you had a fucking seizure you're bleeding he's like I'm not bleeding I'm like are you all right he's like yeah look over her they're out they're gone we never saw them again we go back to fucking pink floyd and he's fine the rest of the night Where do you meet these weak people? I went to a million concerts We ate everything but heroin balls And nobody ever fucking paid to the anesthesia

You ever? No, no If that happened in my name, But you'd have to move the next day. Like, you have to pick up a move Like, dog, I took fucking lead to a concert And I gave him a couple mushrooms Fucking outta seed.

I used to fucking take straight up ass And go to those garden concerts. I don't know how you did that. I took acid to the stones. I took acid to Ted Nugent in ACDC. I didn't take acid to Black Sabbath. I was too young. But I took acid to all those.

You ever smoke weed dipped in PCP? What a shirm or? No, well, this is what I was getting to. Okay. So I'm 16. I'm laughing at the age. 15 to 16. Yeah.

I'm going to natural. transition and I'm doing micrododac acid. That's what it was called. It wasn't really... That was those little like one hit tab. I mean, tiny. You would lose it. You had to wrap it in aluminum foil to see them.

And you had to take it out of the aluminum foil. And if it fell on the floor, you were done. Sometimes it was purple. Sometimes it was pink. Sometimes it was brown. But it was the size of a milliskeel. That was the most popular acid. It was 50-50.

It was basically rat poison. you did it it was strict nine days you'd be grinding your teeth looking around tremendous but you went for fucking eight to 12 hours that's a long that's a commitment hard huh yeah you know now you're like oh thank god that's gone i have anxiety here you said that i give you another bonk you do another bonk and then you said the sunset and you're like oh thank god i could go home now and you go home and you drink milk and you go up to your room you lay down also in the posters start moving again it was that type of shit like it just did not go away and then uh see all this is not a sales point to me

that's what everyone's ever told me though it was just great the it was just great the to the stones honestly that was the first time i had that drug and i wrote about this it was like a three day recovery. Like for three days. It just a bit of bells and whistles and electronic shots going through my spine. Like I was just a young kid and I was like, I think I got to stop this shit.

Like I really do. Like I had only done it once. But then it was just too much fun. It was the drug of the era. It was the drug of the son. Like how many, I want to tell you, you know the Carlin bit where he talks about acid, right? It's like self-regulating.

At some point it'll say, stop. You know, just like you were done. No. So. But how many hits would you say you've had? So then let's just say that at, let's just do it by freshman year. Jesus. Freshman year was when we really started cooking with gas with the ass.

That's three a week. We would, we were three a week. And then something new came along. People were saying, you got to snort this shit. Now, I had always made a promise to myself, but I would never snort nothing. But they were like, it's just T-8s. see stems. It's stems and people boil them and they shut the thing off and the white powder that sticks on the side, they scrape that off and that's what you snorting. It's harmless.

And I saw, and it was, I had like this, I had 18 friends, but there was always four that were like kind of smart and they were the ones like, I want to do it. I'm like, you know? So after weeks of trying, I said, let me do a line that. TAC crystal. The Keefe? Like that keef that's on the, the crystals on the weed? It was white.

And your snore? I've never heard this one. This is brand new to me right now. It's snore. It's snore. And we would do it. First, I did it,

and then I gave it a break. I went back to acid. But what kind of high is it? Like what do you feel? Like fucking Gumby. And fucking, like, you're about,

like everything is just fucking flashing at you. Is it a different, than an acid trip. Eventually, I kept doing it and doing it. So I got to the point where my mother would go to the track on Sundays. I knew she was going to be on all day. I mean, this kid Carlos Perez would buy a $10 package of it, and we each get a six-pack of Loanbrow.

I remember Loembrow to Lion. Is that like a lion? Yeah, tonight is kind of special. Yeah, it's kind of special. It must say something more, but how. tonight, let it be low and brow. Sponsor the church, longbrow. Lowenbrow.

So, we would get long brows and get fucked up and then go on journeys. We'd just walk and talk shit. When I get old, I want to be a doctor. I'm not, you know. And we'd just be like, cars would almost hit us. Like, beep, what the fuck? The way, that type of shit.

Like, we would be fucked up. And then I found out it was actually the angel dust. I said I've never heard in my life. I didn't know what you know. It was Angel Dust. Angel Dust is like gorilla biscuits, PCP, animal quanker. And they turn them into a powder and you fucking snort them. And you go eight hours.

And then I found out. It was angel. You go for eight hours. Like I told me. And I didn't want to know. And I didn't want to fucking know. So we used to play either or. We used to play a game, either or either we do acid or we do TAC.

Oh, T.HC. crystals, you're called it. So that's what it was called until one day somebody said, stupid, wake up. You're storing down and tranquilizers. How long had you been doing it would you say before you actually found out what it really was? About three and a half months. And I remember sitting there going, it doesn't surprise me. You get fucked up. You know what?

So can you explain this? You're like, all right. I suckered for it. I've been over here. I would have been over here snorting with you. I'd have been like, he's a T-H-C. They said. Who said?

The drug dealer said that. I mean, it was, it was an hate out. I remember one time I smoked it with a pregnant chick. What? In 1983, they would sell it in Harlem and you could smoke them. And it was called the tray. It was $3. It was a tray.

And it was basically enough. powder to sprinkle a joint with and you could smoke it. That was, that was, it'd be December, January, February of 84, no, no, of 83, maybe December of 82, it was cold out. I would have maybe 10.30 in the morning and take a, being on a bus at 9 o'clock on Kennedy Boulevard, dropping me off on the corner and crossing the street to the bar going, wow, thank God I'm fine I finally got it together

like I walked in and I was still a little Gumby Dust because then it was just called Gumby Dust it was like Animal Tranquilizing so I wanted to tear of that shit me and my buddies were tearing that stuff that's why today like I said before

I don't know what day I'm going to go on stage shit in my hand and take it out and throw it at the audience because one of these days one of these cylinders are going to snap and the real Joey Diaz is going to I'm out. Dementia is definitely in my future, especially if we did this shit at the age of 13. Yeah, it's early.

That's hard stuff early, too. Early. I partied so hard. My freshman going into sophomore year that I got put in the hospital at September because I had a lung infection. And they threw me out on September 28, 1979. And I got out of the hospital, 11 o'clock at 8 o'clock. That night I was smoking dope and doing ass to the game. Jesus Christ.

It was like Muhammad Ali fought somebody. I still remember what corner I'm on. My brother's ex-wife's house is on that corner. And I know what house we sat on the steps. And I kept doing that powder and I kept snorting that shit. And then when I'd walk into the basement and my mom had these friends that she would hold shit for downstairs. But it was always weed Bails of weed like the coffee bean

And I would take a little off the top And I would spray it with water To maintain the way I put like the holes in 12 ounces of water in the middle So it would stay heavy So when they put it on the scale I was a fucking genius

That's great And I fucking But one time I went down in there And it wasn't Weed it was coke A couple bales of coke so I would open up the bales and fucking take a gram.

I wouldn't do him. I would give it to a buddy of mine. That was a real cool dude. And he would say, where'd you get that shit? Oh my God, I saw Chinese people. You know,

it was real cocaine, this shit. And every once in a while, I'd scrape a little and take it and give it to him. This went on for about a month or two. Then the guy became a cop,

so now I owned him. You know, I knew he was going to do something with his life. and he became a cop, boom, now I owned him. But that's not the point of the story. I held on to that. One dad took it,

and I would surprise him. Like in 1979, when somebody would surprise you with cocaine, you pretty much suck this day. In 1979, walking into a room with cocaine, those two chicks were going to suck your dick. They knew.

Forget Harvey Weinstein. You'd make Harvey Weinstein look like a fucking, him gay guy. That's how strong the power of cocaine was. Guys like me could get laid. Women were doing disgusting things. It was a different level of

disgust because it met you had power. It was like this social. You came out of a bathroom and you went, the whole bar would look at you and come over and rub your shoulders. How is it? It's semi-intense, you know. That's what was going on at Steel 54. This cocaine freedom makes me, you know,

so that shit sold it, made white people go crazy. But at the same time, I hadn't done it. I held down to that little package. Then the night before, some cats called me up, and they're like, we're playing a rookie tomorrow. So I said, fuck, let me bring the packets and see if one of them. But these guys are too straight.

There was like eight of us, but one of the other dudes was a genius. And him and I used to do fucking that. the angel does shit at school from time to time. And one day I gave him a line. He thought it was coke. I gave him a line of that shit and he had a wrestling match.

A high school wrestling match. Oh my God. And he was on the bottom and he made a move and he bit the guy. They got disqualified. And people were like, why would you bite the guy? Fucking Coco gave me fucking TAC Crystal. TAC Crystal. I put the college

to beat me up and shit. That's what we all called it. So to avoid the pain of what it really right yeah my brother um he and a buddy i actually told this whole story on my album but he and a a cousin brought some shit home one time

and they called it shirm it was a and and they would call paul chuck paul that's what they call PCP Paul chuck paul and they would um they would it was popular for a little while to dip this shit in PCP these joints and i thought it was a myth at first i was like that doesn't happen because you hear shit on like Oprah people do

dipping their cigarettes and cooking their babies and shit like insane stuff that these suffocating kids and freezers like and um they decided to smoke it in front of me and you know i tell that story but the the thing was i thought it was a one and done thing for them you know what i mean like i knew they had done it but it's like the summer 94 i'm fresh off to pink floyd concert i go back to maryland for the summer before for between college and i'm seeing this girl at the time and we're going to Lala Paluza. Now, originally Nirvana was going to headline

I'm almost positive, it's 94, and then Cobain died. So they brought the smashing pumpkins in to fill that space. And it was a great, it was like Tribe Call Quest. I think the Beastie Boys were there. Fucking P-Funk was there. The smashing pumpkins, like it was a good one.

And they're smoking a joint. And I don't think anything up. I just think it's a joint. And the girl I'm seeing at the time goes over to take a hit. You know, she smokes weed. And she comes back and she's like, that tasted really weird. And I was like, you motherfucker.

And I went over to my brother. I'm like, is that fucking weed or is that that shit you were smoking? No, it's the fuck. I go, what do you fucking? You can't just let some, you got to tell somebody that. Well, we thought she knew. I'm like, why would anyone assume that you're smoking PCP laced weed over here? Why would anyone, why would that be your immediate?

It probably should be the way you treat life. but why would anyone assume that anyway? They make the best top shelf margarita in the country at the time for $4.50. Red Robin. My credit card was just margarita, margarita, margarita. Red Robin, Red Robin, every night, do two margaritas, two top shelves,

do two bumps, and fuck it from there. Whatever you need me to do, I'll do, you know what I'm saying? I would have a little car sale, and he'd drive me home. He kept asking me, you don't have no more coke, no, I did it all. I had to grab my pocket I'd go home and fucking bang out blow and then I got promoted now

I'm thinking about the salesman shit the guy told me what they're making over there and it was a lot more than when I was making I'm like should I go over to sell fucking cars I don't know about cars and these are the same ones the acuras the Subaru's the Mississippi this is okay

so these guys back then they had to what the brat they were the one with the seats in the back. Remember those suicide seats? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They had a bunch of great cars back then. So I'm in this real decisive mode. But what happened was there was a crew of detailers.

And this just happens to me on all places. What happened was I started out working them. I started how to figure out the system. The system was to do two new cars a day and three used cars. that's where your money's at. The two new cars with easy money. You just rip the paper off. You got to put a certain chemical on them,

take the Cosmoline off. You put the rims on, you armor all the inside. You put the mats down. You wash the car and you dry it. That's it. It's no big deal. Nobody's ever sat in the car. You just got to put the hub caps on.

Put the fucking mats in. You know, a couple things. You got to adjust. Set the stations. Whatever the fuck they want. Then you take it to the thing. I could do two. two of those in an hour.

So I would make two fucking runs, and they'd never heard of that. I'm like, why go make runs and pick them up? Let's get two done. And I did two canoe cars by 11, and then I'd jump on three used cars. I was making some good fucking money, but they started fucking with me.

You know, they wouldn't give me a bay. They would go, oh, if you could park two cars out there, we could put two cars in here. So it was like really four against three, and the supervisor like them. So I'm like, this supervisor really wants to fuck with me. And then like a week after that one day, he goes, I'm going to fucking write you up for insubordination. Something crazy.

Because I told him, I'll do the car outside. No big deal. You can't do it outside. I go, relax. Watch your fucking tone. But the manager was from New York. And the manager knew I was a little fucked up. And the owner was a great white dude.

You know those white dudes that drink whiskey and they don't watch porn, but they appreciate a good sense of humor? You could tell that the dude was up tight and shit. Yeah. He was just a great white dude, but he liked me because I fucking made money. And I hustled my asshole. You know, I was getting in there with him at 6 in the morning. You weren't supposed to be there till late. If I started Coke to 5, what's the difference?

I'm only to do. Sit here and look out the window by myself. I might as well go pick up a piece of fucking $30, $40 at the time. That was my mentality. So they started picking on me. They started fucking with me. Like, really, you're going to fuck with me? And at that time, I had the whole body shop wide.

I knew where to get weed. I knew where to get coke. I knew who was selling this, who was selling that. There was a creepy dude who installed stereos there. Creepy as fuck. In what way? What was creepy? Every day, man, I went to the strip club last night.

I met this girl, Melinda. A working name was Gunner. You know, he was really creepy. He's got the fake real name. Like, just a creepy strip club guy. He knew all the strip club. When people would talk about strip clubs, he'd come out and give you cards for VIP of this one. He was friends with the banderino, the banderos bike gang.

I got reefer from him. I got coke from him. He sold a bunch of shit, but he had everything a guy that was trying to prove something. He had tinted windows, a loud stereo, tattoos, leather jacket, a motorcycle, a pit bull. Anything that a guy needs to get attention. The starter kid. Yeah, he was just, but he was like a half of retard. But I kind of liked him.

His drugs were good. He always told me about dirty pussy, how he would finger these strippers. He would fuck him and all this shit. Speaking of drugs, can we smoke during this? You can do whatever fucking you can let your asshole on fire. So one day this dude, Dirk, gets in my face. about some shit. I've told this story before,

but I don't think I've told it to you, Ryan Sickler. I want to hear it. Now, I'm fucking nuts, Ryan Sickler. I'm 24. No shit. Fresh out of fucking Jersey. I just slept in benches. I just went through that whole

fucking homeless thing. You know, now I'm living in Boulder, but I'm keeping a lid on it. I got a girlfriend. I have to go to a family's house every Sunday to eat. They're very nice people.

They're from Buffalo. They're from Buffalo, New York. They're very nice people. I appreciate them. So I got to act like a fucking man, and these people get in my faces. So there was particularly two white dudes, both from Minneapolis, Minnesota,

that would fuck with me, and they would beat me because they had the fucking, the supervisor. The supervisor in their corner. So one day, I see the supervisor walking in and I don't know what

he took his jacket off and he hung it up and I don't know what made me do this but this is the mind of Joey D is you know the dude thought he got over on me but I'm gonna show him I'm gonna get over on him I just didn't know how and all of a sudden the good Lord

does something he does every fucking day he kills a mouse I turn around and there's a dead mouse four foot from me maybe three inches long. I see that everybody's washing cars. I go, what can I do with this mouse?

I got a paper towel. I pick it up by the tail and I put it in the guy's pocket. The supervisor's pocket. I put it in his pocket. I get high. I keep working on cars. I forget about the whole thing. The next morning I'm in there,

six o'clock buzzing out of the car, and you hear a car coming like, do do do do do. And he gets out in a car and he goes, what the fuck? Shut it down. Shut it down. I just got into a mom.

major car accident. He goes, I reached him in my pocket for cigarettes and somebody put a mouse in there. By the end of the day, I'm going to find out who it is. I have an idea who it is. And I'm fucking, you know me, dog. I'm like, I'll help you find the fucking customer. You know, that son of a bitch. But that motherfucker knew it was me or some other guy.

His car was all crashed up. Fuck him. Fuck him. So right there, I knew it was time for me to go. So about April, 15th. We're in April now, everybody. April 1980s.

I tell the fucking, I tell the fucking, the fucking car, the dealership. I caught him a deal. I tell the detail guys that I'm going to go sell cars for one day and try it. And after one day, I don't know if I like it or not. And they said, okay, when do you want to do this? I go Monday. So I put together what I had. as a suit at that time.

And I went there Monday. They told me to be that eight to learn about some cars. And they gave me to this guy named Jimmy Wheeler. God rest is so. I still talked to his son on Facebook. That's amazing that you remember these names. Cody Wheeler. I remember this guy's name because he was the first guy that made me feel like family without being at home.

He was one of those guys that he was willing to take a bullet for you. And again, God put this guy in my life. And on the first day, he just dug me. We were big-time Bruce Lee fans. That's why I brought you the shirt. Thank you for that shirt. And he had the Tower G-Cundo signed by Bruce Lee. Nobody had that at the time.

And he was from Detroit. He just impressed the shit out of me. And he gave me a shirt once, Detroit, the murder capital of the United States of America. It was my favorite shirt. I wore it all summer long. People said to me, why do you wear that shirt? It's disgusting. I fucking love Detroit.

I want to go to fucking Detroit. Like I'm ready for Detroit. Fuck these pussies. Like that's how crazy I was at the time. And that first day with Jim Wheeler, I ended up selling three cars, making a thousand bucks on paper and like 200 spips cash. At 7 o'clock, I called the body shop and told him to suck my dick. I'm never washing the car again.

I went to my mother-in-law. God bless her soul, my ex-mother-in-law, who I loved Dealey at the time, and she let me her made DNF card, and she let me charge $500. I bought three suits, shirts, pants, and I was all in, guys. You were selling cars in Denver? Well, not Denver. And the first month, I ended up selling 14 cars. Damn.

I was a salesman of the month. I was a salesman of the month. I think I came in second. Did you get a special spot and all that shit? Yeah, like I got a demo for free. You had to sell 12 cars to get your car for free. Or you got to pay $300 a month. So that was the magic number.

12, you get your demo. And then they had weird bonuses. Like once you sell 10 cars, your bonus goes from 20 to 30%. 11 cars, 35%. 12 cars, 40%. Uh, 15 cars, 40% plus a $500 dollar cash bonus. they worked it plus every new Subaru you called every new Subaru you sold

you ripped the thing and you looked at it and they would either give you money or you spun the wheel you called Subaru and they tell you you won $350 and you'll get your check in the mail