The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - The CHURCH: BEST of THE BEGINNING, Vol. 1 | with JOEY DIAZ & LEE SYATT

Episode Date: August 28, 2023

The CHURCH: BEST of THE BEGINNING, Vol. 1 | with JOEY DIAZ & LEE SYATT   #001 - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eLZDpWsaPKY   #002 - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KPPRafk2rlM&t=4s   #003 - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UXRnxVXuUXI     This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT!   Go to https://www.onnit.com & Enter PROMO CODE: JOEY, JOINT or CHURCH   The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz    #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #TheChurch #LeeSyatt

Fucking Facebook. Look at the stock is going down. Facebook's full of fucking ads. You can smell the twins on there. What are those two twins doing? Then they buy a house. They sell in the house. Oh, the WinkleVos twins. Oh, God.

Winkie Voss twins. These fucking momos. I'm surprised you even knew about them. I was trying to think of who you're talking about. What the fuck you think you're dealing with, dog? I've seen social network, bitch. I've seen it a couple times. I can't put up with the guy that plays the thief.

I like Justin Timberle. What's a kid's a kid's name that plays the fucking thief in that shit? Jesse Eisenberg? Yeah, he always has a look on his face like somebody fucking farted. Speaking about fucking farting. We finished the podcast the other day. Let's go get some fucking coffee or something.

Now, the whole morning, you know, before you need the shit, like we're getting up early right now, so I'm not even in my shit zone. The shit zone starts about 7.30, quarter of eight, right before church. So it's early. So I got to eat breakfast first,

I mean a few cups of coffee, maybe smoke a number, and I'm ready to take a fucking dumpster and I walk outside with Lee and I had a rip one. I didn't want to go on this car. You've ever have somebody farting and bring the fucking fart into their fucking into your car. Nothing pisses me up more than that.

Somebody farts in the hallway and they bring it air it out out there. So I blow this fucking tremendous fuck like I'm going to blow right now. Listen. Oh, dude. Just like that I blow a fucking number. But you can't, Lee heard it in the car. Oh my God. I heard it in the car. I'm a fucking real Jew.

I'm not going to go in there with that ass stink around my muffler. I'm out there airing and the leg out. I'm pumping it like a fucking dog. And as I look, I see a lady about 30 feet away. And she's about 90 years old, like a Spanish grandmother and she's walking as slowly,

like picture any old woman walking across the street that's her. I get into the fucking car and I go, leave this poor lady's about to walk into the fog of fucking dead. And sure enough, as she walks into the zone, I see pick her head up and just start going like this like she smells it. And she made

face that was perfect. Perfect. Now if you were inside the house and somebody smelled your fart, that's one thing. But when you're outside, this air and trees and chlorophyll and it sucks up the farts and shit like that, and you still bump into a fart, that was a fucking good fart. What about the one I just kicked right now? Oh my God.

There's no, you're going to have to throw that chair out, but that it didn't, it didn't even give it justice. That woman, her face turned up and she was waving at the air like it was mustard gas or something. It wasn't just, oh, that's a bad smelling fart. She was, you probably probably ruined her day. Let me tell you something, people.

I hope you're up. Don't forget, let's say church starts at 7.30. It's 618 right now. It's 918 on the East Coast. Either you're walking out of church, you're going to fucking Denny's to stand on line like a moot, or you're going to go out through your car, smoke a number, and think about whatever the fuck the priest

or the fucking deacon or the fucking rabbi had to say, well, the Jews go to church yesterday. Whatever the fuck temple. That's special. They go to temple with Prince. You know what I'm saying? So, Like right now today

I gotta get the fuck out of here by the hour I'll go in there I'll see Padrae throw a fucking blessing on him Put a couple dollars in the basket I'm out of there in a fucking half hour But who else comes on before church To get you ready mentally For what the fuck they're gonna talk about

Only Joe ideas Like today what the fuck they're gonna talk about Fucking Peter and Paul I don't give a fuck I've heard the story 80 times But I go I take a couple rips off this And that's it's all low

About the fucking shot And the funny thing was Now that's to me Loving the church of what's happening. Now I heard the fart here in Wales. Technology. You understand me? That's how my muffler. I got the people always say, Joey, speak closer to the fucking microphone. These are airtight fucking microphone.

You can talk anywhere in the room they get you. It's like a fucking FBI microphone. Jesus Christ. Speaking of which, man, let me tell you some. I watch some college football. What a lot of people don't know is one of the kids I grew up with is now the head defensive coordinator of Penn State. Jesus Christ. Of Miami. Really? Yeah.

They fucking won big yesterday. pretty good. I watched that for a little while. But there's no pro today, right? No, no. It starts next week. Now, let me explain some to you. Let's say you're a pro-fucking gamble. Professional gamble. You're getting up right now. The first game could be a two. Who gives a fuck?

You're getting up now. You're going to get your day started. You're going to look at the paper. You're going to go online, see who's hurt. You're going to do some fucking voodoo. Maybe throw a curse on the fucking quarterback. And you're up early. Fuck watching those dumb TV shows. They're steering you to a fucking loser. Those cock suckers. They're a kiss or death. You don't see them put no fucking bets on nothing So now you're getting up you're getting early

That shit don't start this week next week is the fucking kill all these NFL junkie motherfuckers Will be up ready to rock. Where's my cat's at? These motherfuckers These are the treats they like right here fucking temptations. It tastes like milk or whatever they got all different flavors Look at nobody's getting cond into this shit these little cock suckers They got up early with me I got up there was like two of them up already Oh, yeah, you said they're up all night. Well, they're up all night if they get encouragement. At, like, four, they tap out.

They go, fuck it, there's nobody here to rock the house. There's Uncle Joey. Where's the bartender? But I'll tell you what, you have no idea when you come home and now you have cats. Because this motherfucker's, listen, my wife goes to about at 9 o'clock. It's not even my wife. I'm worried about it. It's the fucking cats.

I come home. I got a female cat that just sits there and harasses me. You want to lower that shit in there? What are you going to do? Things are bad all over. I just bump my earphone. Come here, what are you fuck with these cats? I got to get some fed out.

Get over here. One of you little fuckers. Get over here and shit. I got treats I'm giving out. Come in, Digby. Come in, DeVy. Temptious treats. I got the fucking...

Check this shit out. I got... Oh, motherfucker. There's my boy. See, he's all scared, Demi. I don't know where they're from. There you go, Dickie. I got the cat about myself.

Yeah, once one comes in, they all come in. Yeah, no. They come in. Now the one guy's nervous. You should have called me. I would have opened the door for you. When you're knocking, he goes fucking bananas. Oh, okay.

Come here, Harry. Say a little to the people at home. Come here. Knuckle sandwich. Get over here. This is what happens early in the morning. He has to say a lot of the cats, the animals, and nothing.

It's fucking Sunday. So don't forget to get your oatmeal. You want to start the week off right with the muffler. You know what I'm saying? Come here, Harry. Come here. I love this little guy here. Don't forget if you want to drive your cat's crazy right here.

It's on Amazon. It's called Pet Green Catnip Buds. These buds look fucking good, too. Thank God I don't drink. They come home and fucking roll one of these things up. Look at this. Pissing on a fucking tree or something like that. No, it was big, and I work in Beverly Hills.

One night I'm out there a week, thank God. But just in Beverly Hills and it's it, nowhere else? Well, that's where it's like where the center of it was in there, around there. But yeah, right in the center of Beverly Hills, yeah. Holy shit. See that people fucking earthquakes. I don't even know what the fuck's going on. And you know what?

that's what it means to be part of the church of what's happened now. I don't give a fuck. I was driving. I was at a Mexican bar last night when they killed fucking anybody. I'm lucky I got out of there alive. I went down to do some benefit for some kid in the fucking wheelchair or some shit. I thought they were going to kill me. But anyway, I made it home

alive. What's happening? Lee. Labor Day weekend. Nobody's got to go to work. We're right here with the church of what's happening now. Sparking. We got music. We got movies. We got everything. Sports today. We got everything. You know what I'm saying? Only there was no NFL. NFL was Thursday, correct? I think the giants and the cowboys are playing Wednesday maybe.

Yeah, it's like this getting the fucking gambling started early. It's a bad motherfucking economy, so let's spark the holy smoke. This is a white debt from fucking divine wellness. I know your people are saying, Joey, what the fuck? They're supposed to close the weed stores this week. They ain't closing dick. What happened was, I guess they had to have an addendum of 25,000. They got 50,000 signatures, so they're pushing it back to fucking St. Generos Day.

And you know what? It didn't mean much to me. I knew they weren't going to close some guys look at all these people like you motherfuckers are out there selling weed illegally let me explain some to you they voted in me they wanted to have

like people working on fucking their own grass or some shit like you had to do your own growing that's the new thing they're going to close the stores I guess and you got to grow your own weed do I look like Dr. Green fucking thump to you no one's going to do that I've never grown fucking dick in my life I try growing weed one time and I smoked

it before it hatched I smoked it like when it was real small I couldn't have It's like Christmas fucking day I couldn't wait to smoke it And I let it dry And the only thing that's gonna do Is bring back the drug dealers

And make it worse They're gonna create more crime for them And they can arrest more people They're gonna give us a fuck There's still drug dealers no matter what The problem is that You know what it's nice We're already used to it

For me I get weed no matter what I don't give a fuck if you close them Let them open light them on fire It ain't gonna stop Mr. Flavor I've been smoking's in 79 Yeah flavor ain't gonna stop now Because you close the stores And neither are a lot

of people. Now let me ask you this. I, uh, I smoke a little bit, but in California, since it's legal, are there still weed dealers? I mean, I know there's dealing other stuff, but do you think there's weed dealers still? Yeah, some people don't want to get a license. Some people don't want that. It pays to smoke the best. Fuck the lung. Fuck the lung. When you're smoking good reef or fuck. And I have the vaporize. I'm trying to keep it healthy lately. But for you guys in the morning, I smoke a bone because, hey, we're all smoking a bone. Not everybody has a vaporize. I'm in the city of like fucking thirsting the third, you know, oh my God, I'm so, fuck you.

We're all together on this one. So if I get the fucking cancer from the paper, you get the fucking cancer from the paper. Yeah. College football on last night, I've seen that. Yeah, my Miami one, right? They're winning pretty big. Yeah, I don't know who the fuck. Who played last night?

I have no idea. I don't really follow college. That's the church or what's up. It's too confusing. It's every week and some people, but it's what it's all about. It's where the fucking money's at, man. A lot of people like college. I watch it.

I just don't know what the fuck's going on. A lot of people like it better than pro, and they say the players are playing for more. I like watching professional. I like watching people who get paid. And the players play for white women. When you're black, that's what you're playing for. Those white little cheerleys from fucking small towns.

When you're a pro, you don't give a fuck. You've got money. You get whatever color you want. Black, white, Chinese, a Filipino chick from the hospital. From the hospital? Yeah, that's something I never got into, man. But I don't understand how they, there was something in LA a couple weeks ago, how the quarterback of USC was on a billboard promoting getting to sell tickets,

but it was near UCLA and they got all upset. But I don't understand how colleges like this can make millions of dollars off of the players, and then they don't get paid, and that's why some players have to go and do other things on the side. And they've got to suck dick and strip. Get the fuck out of here. They get envelopes like everybody else. It's these little rats that, you know, there's little third bench guys that rat on the other guys.

Let me tell you something. Would you play for free for a fucking education? Yeah, you know, most Americans would. But trust me, they got something else going down there for your ass. No, yeah, they have to. They're just about fucking free. They got to give you something else. Listen, come on down, play some ball.

We'll give you a little. You ever watch a movie one-on-one? No, what's that? It's an old moor of Robbie Benson. About a small-time, All-American, that goes to a big fucking school. And it's like nothing. He sits at the end of the bench.

Like he was this big time fucking kid And all of a sudden they torture him He's too short But he has a job Fucking $50 an hour The teacher would suck his dick You know he had perks You know what I'm saying

And in those days a teacher could suck a dick With a clean conscience Yeah Now a teacher sucks a dick She's got a worry She can't sleep in there She got a toss and turn These little faggots are gonna rat around

Yeah there was one in Texas That got caught having sex Like five students Listen there was one When I was growing up in North Bergen That sucked everybody's dick she's still anonymous now everybody's getting caught

all these kids go home and they fucking crack because she won't give them a game or whatever in my day you got your dick sucked on the bee and everybody was fucking happy nobody fucking complain these little fucking faggots today they go home mommy the teacher suck my dick

what the fuck is wrong with you how are you gonna cop to that shit you don't say a fucking word somebody sucks your dick but these fucking weaklings today you know what are you gonna do they're too busy

they gotta get their dick sucked and get on the skate board, you know what do you think? Like, why is it such a huge difference between female teachers with guys and male teachers with girls? Because a female could suck your dick when you're 12 when it ain't creepy. A guy could touch your titty and it's fucking creepy when they're 14. You can't do that shit.

But listen, like I said, there was never, I grew up in a different time. There was never a fucking sexual deviant guy in my school, but there was some sexually deviant fucking teachers. I was an ugly guy, so the chick didn't want to suck my dick, you know. She didn't suck my dick. I'm not going to sit here and tell you she blew me. The teacher that was sucking dick in high school never sucked my dick. You know, she sucked other people's dick, but I was an ugly fuck, so she didn't bother me.

But none of those kids till today, nobody knows about that teacher. That teacher is still fucking teaching and dancing and whatever. She's about 60 now. She ain't sucking no more dick. But back in the day, she was giving head in our school. That's just the way it works out. That's it. What are you going to do, you know what I'm saying?

I don't know about, I don't know about no fucking billboards. Why are you talking about billboards and quarterbacks? This is the church what's happened. I don't know none about this shit. All I know is who covered the fucking spread. That's all that you need to know about sports. Anything else is background fucking music. When I was a kid, I'd sit there for hours and watch basketball.

And then as you get older, you get older shit going on, and you don't watch that much. I don't watch that much baseball until I like football. I like baseball. But if you think I'm going to sit there all fucking summer long with a hat in a kazoo at my house, doing the wave solo. And I went to a couple Dodger games.

They're a fucking blast. I might go to one. I go to Costco. I get two fucking tickets for $25. Yeah, they sell. and you get floor tickets and they give you a hot dog and a fucking soda. Jesus Christ. Yeah, I love baseball, but it's just, you have to be there.

Watching it on TV is murder. You go to the game, you smoke a fucking number. I want a couple weeks ago. Let me tell you something, those hot dogs. They'll go right through your asshole. Eating a hot dog until they... And they gave you, like, the first one. The first room, I took a bite out of it tasted like tofu.

Then my uncle goes, no, no, no, no, no, no, don't eat those. You got to eat the fucking all beef ones. The all beef ones taste it worse than the other ones. Then they had an aisle. level. The black Angus ones. Let me tell you them there was no Angus in that fucking hot dog. It was just black. I mean, the hot dog was even fucking great. So forget about

eating. The only thing about Dodger Stadium is they have like a, they have other type of restaurants and they have mean garlic fries. But you know what, man, you go to those things you eat a hot dog or so. I'm already fucking full. The games are at seven. Yeah. You know, what I did, my uncle's a fucking peanut guy, so he ate 92

bags of peanuts, my uncle. You know, he's 76 from Cuba, old school. That motherfucker, he's more peanut. There was a, Ari Shafia is the only Jew that could eat a peanut like is the end of the world. The UFC, we'll get fucking stoned and he'll buy a bag of fucking those peanuts with the shells. My uncle killed him. My uncle did three bags in fucking 90s. Jesus Christ.

I helped him. You know, I'm not going to sit here and tell you that he was a fucking solo artist that he was in. He was Joe Perry when he left Erosmith. Speaking of Errol Smith, you know what? I never broke down that album, the full way, and I feel bad. The album of the week this week. By the way, the church of what's happening now is coming at you two times of fucking. week. Monday early to get your week going

nice and Wednesday early in the midweek. Sometimes you fall behind, you forget to wipe your ass, it's fucking Wednesday and also an Uncle Joey shows up and says, hey, it ain't that fucking bad of a day. It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive, by the way. It's Monday. I love being home Monday mornings. If you have a good Monday morning, it makes

the rest of the week go by early. People always say to me, oh, you don't work Sundays in common. You know why? Because I want to be in my bed fucking Sunday night, so Monday morning I wake up, play a little fucking Tony Bennett I want to be around. Play a little Tony Bennett I want to be around. Every Monday when I was a kid

every day when I was a kid I'd go to my mother's bar and she opened up the door, turn off the fucking alarm and she'd go to the jukebox, turn on that, turn on the fucking little game that you go back and forth and on Mondays especially she'd get a glass of water put it on a table and she'd play, I want to be around because it was her and my father's song

when they came from Cuba. You know, I don't know when Tony Bennett wrote the fucking thing. But she would play that first every day out of respect for my father. It says it was the number 14 Billboard hit in 1963. That's tremendous. Play the fucking song. Now you want to be Casey Ksen, Cucksucker. That's what I said on you two.

All right. 63, that's the year I was born. I didn't know that it was in 63. So every time my mother would go to the fucking bar, she'd play this song first just to give a reference to my father. So every Monday morning is what I do is I get up early. I make the coffee. I clean the fucking litter boxes.

And I get on here and I play. I want to be around. And I respect every fucking Monday morning. And I love it. Sometimes I do it during the week, too, first thing. Lee, what are you looking for? Nothing. It doesn't want to play.

Give me a second. Keep talking. You know, it's right there, Lee. It's two clicks or way. I'm clicked on it. It's just the video is not playing. Give me a second. Keep talking.

I thought you got the fucking you verse. I did. Cock sucker. This is what I'm talking about. I got to watch Lee. Even though he's Jewish, I love him to death, but I got to watch. We're bringing back the Yamika people this week.

We're gonna have it online. Fuck you pay me, the new Yamika line from Uncle Joey. Tremendous. Nice little white Yamika would fuck you pay me. They know exactly where you're coming from. Let me tell you what the thing about it is in life. You know, a lot of people are kind of half a phony because they want people to know or people to lure or

they want people to think that that nice motherfuckers or whatever. I always, I'm how I am. I curse in front of people. I'm how I am because I want people to know where they're coming from. When you're friends with me, this is what the fuck expect. This is why I'm like, here you go. You're having a good fucking mood in the morning. Because I've got a picture of these guys.

See, I grew up with. That's Dominic Spatial, Darren Rago, and Anthony fucking Balzano. They're dead, and they died when we were young. This is the first thing I look at in the morning. I get in a fucking good mood because they're not here. So I got to do what the fuck they're not doing. So I got to cover this spread today. That's the mentality of the church of what's happening.

Now you're thinking, Joy, what the fuck are your glasses? My glasses? I don't want to be like one of those black basketball players. You see these motherfuckers. It all started about 20 years ago, like all these fucking actors. Once they get a little old, they start wearing glasses. And I can see the husband, the wife, saying, you look so sophisticated and so smart, wear the fucking glasses.

So they started with that bullshit. Now I got Kobe. I got the guy in fucking Miami. Everybody's wearing fucking point-dexter glasses for $9,000 to look more intelligent. Get it together, Cocksucker. You're a basketball player, not a scientist, all right? The fucking little Halloween costume ain't got to work, bitch. is, what are you going to do, Lee?

I dropped some knowledge on these cocksuckers early, because if not, they think I'm over here fucking around. Did you work out yesterday, Lee? Yeah, I did. What'd you do? I was supposed to have a training session, but the woman apparently has too many trainers, so I went over to the gym at my complex,

and I'm just starting out, guys. I don't know if anyone else is starting out working out too. I haven't worked out. I wrestled all throughout high school, and I probably haven't worked out since I started, since wrestling season, stopped my senior year since probably like six or seven years. So I'm starting out fresh,

and I'm doing them, the stationary bike for like half an hour and I can do the elliptical for about 10, 15 and then I pass out. So you're fucking neat to get the party started. What you want to do is the fat guys, get the fucking blood going. That's what I had to do. I mean, they threw me out of the Y

the first time I walked in there. Really? The fucking little trainer, because you sign up for the Y in Hollywood and you go down there and they give you like an evaluation to see where the fuck you're at. So I thought I was still like in high school.

I went in like seven, eight years. I wanted right after the longest short. I thought I was still in high school. I could do a thousand jumping jacks and shit. He put me on the treadmill to start and put it up like 1.5. Let me tell you something, my friend. At the four-minute mark, I tapped out. He was a little cute little gay guy.

He goes, listen, dog, I love you to death, but don't come back here until you stop smoking cigarettes, till you start getting it together. You can't even walk on a treadmill. So that's why I fucking started. Yeah. You know, I started at 4 fucking 15 where you walk a half a block and your joints hurt, your knees hurt your feet. So I put the whole training session in my head. I knew by going to the fucking wine that they have a heated pool.

So I just started going to the heated pool and I would run back and forth and I would swim. Bro, and I would swim 15 minutes, 20 minutes. Then I got cocky and I overslept one night and I jumped into the Olympic pool because in bold I used to be part of the master swimming program. What's that? The master's swimming program is where you go at 6 in the morning and at 6 at night. And the lady's name was Jane and she would just work you like a fucking slave in the water. And right before I got locked up in prison, there was a UPS guy at the Hertz where I worked at. And he was in great shape.

And I said, how'd you get in that fucking shape? And he goes, I started going to the master swimming program. Stop up the fucking volumes already. They're saying it's too low. These fucking people always say it's too low. Put your ear neck to the fucking stick like when you were a kid and your mother was under the other room. Like when you listen to Richard Pryor.

So you go at 6 in the fucking morning and Boulder, Colorado, and the dead of the fucking winter. And the pool would be outside and they'd be surrounded by snow where they shoveled. And you'd have to fucking dress yourself in a little hut and fucking run out and jump in the pool. And you have to do two of those a day three times a fucking week And she would train you for little triathlons not triathlons The double ones the ones where you swim and jump up and down for a half hour

Not really like all three of them ride your bike That's a triathlon in the street So I always like fucking swimming not to mention I'm Cuban you know you know me I just ran around the fucking island as a young man like a savage cock sucker Oh Jesus So I went back and I jumped into the Olympic pool and that's when I almost drowned I almost drowned it to one That's a scary story man

I don't know if people have heard Do you want to tell it again or? Fuck no. I almost drowned. I went to the Y, I jumped the fuck in the pool, and you know what? When you're going to a training pool,

it's heated. But when you go into a regular Olympic pool, it's not fucking heated. It's a, it's a dirty degree. So first thing, it surrounds your lungs. You can't fucking breathe. Here I am in the middle of the pool.

My fat legs were just fucking moving. I wasn't going nowhere, though. I just was spinning around like a motherfucker. Swimming is tough. I mean, I used to swim. I used to work. I mean, I was never really in shape when I wrestled,

but I was more in shape. And you run around the track, and I play football, and you run around the thing. And running and swimming are two different things. Swimming is tough, especially when you're out of shape. It really shows you when you're out of shape, like, wow, I am out of shape. But it gets you in the best shape. The problem with swimming and the exercise doesn't go with you the rest of the day. Like when you run for half hours, six in the morning, that raises your metabolism.

It goes to you. You release sweat. When you go in the pool, it burns the most calories per minute. Okay. But when you get out of the pool, you don't take it with you as much. It doesn't burn, like, throughout the whole fucking day. That's the problem with swimming. A lot of people don't know that.

Okay. I'm saying? So, as long as I worked out, yes, had a good time. I went over there. I got on the treadmill. I hit the bag for half hour. Then I got on the treadmill and ran. Did the Mike Doche, two minutes on and a half,

and not 30 minutes, 30 seconds of running. And I got on the bike to close it out. Look at that shirt. Fucking swelly right next to you. Today, I might eat some sushi. I ain't got, I got dick going on today. You know what I'm saying? Oh, yeah.

It's rough, man. I mean, there's not much going out. I mean, I'm working on a TV show, but everything that's going to be in production's in production and I feel bad for you guys I mean there's not that much shooting right now I don't give a fuck about that we're always doing something late what the fuck the fuck the the show is about getting up

in the fucking morning and going there and tackling the fuck everything you just gotta make it happen there's always action up there you gotta just get up you gotta get up with the fucking mentality you've seen trading places that's great movie at the end of the floor mortimers on the floor dying because your brother's dying fuck them we gotta do what the fuck we do here you follow me so don't worry about the fucking weight watches or whatever

The big topic that I've been hearing about lately is Gissela Blanco, let's break it down. I've never been fucking impressed with the cocaine cowboys, and I'll tell you why. Because they're talking about it in 1979. You know, I would go to Miami in 1970 as a kid. My mother baptized a girl down there, and I would go down there and spend time with them in the summer. I loved them, Rodolfo and Vivian. Vivian was a school teacher. Rodolf was a construction mogul.

He would go into, we built all that shit, the falls in Miami. It's the north of Las Alasera. they say southwest 100th Avenue and 130th I was seven and eight and I go down there we clear bushes me and the son and the daughters and we do the whole thing now at night the three kids would go to sleep and I would hang out with Rodolfo so Radalpho knew my father I mean he grew up with my father and he always assumed that I knew what my father did so when I would go down there would stay with Radha from the middle of night he'd go come on let's take a ride and we go to La Guaquitha in Miami's little fucking it's a gas station that doesn't sell gas

if they just sell beer, milk, and bread, and cigarettes. And you can go there late night, but it's the coldest fucking beer you'd ever had. And we drive out to La Hacita, and he'd get in the fucking, he'd get me a soda, but he let me drink out of his cold, budwires. That was like a big tree for me. Of course. And we'd go to his boat, and we'd get on the boat, and we'd go out like 10 fucking miles out, and he'd pick up bales of weed.

This is in the 70 years. And then we'd drive him back in, like nothing. It was like stealing. They would float into this thing. He knew the people, and that's what he did for a living. you know and I remember going down and when you watch Gisela the documentary they talk about how she ran shit in Miami in 79 by the fuck 79 is when I started doing blow what happened in 79 also this all went down so now what happened 79 was

Mario Lettos came in those fucking Cubans that started killing to 130,000 Cubans Fidel let them out of their jails in 1979 130,000 130,000 100,000 of them were fucking in jail and these weren't you know like for smacking their wife or something these These motherfuckers were in El Morrow, this fucking jail where you walk around half naked, there's a hole in the middle of the fucking floor, and you gotta go pee and shit in that fucking home. People tacky and take you in the fucking hole and fuck you in the ass, after your shit. So these were the type of criminals that came over.

This is the type of criminal. You know, when he, in Scarface, they show the hand, they call the Abaquas. And these people were fucking nuts. For example, my stepfather's name is Milito Guantoriento, which means four wins. And he had three brothers. Two of them came from Cuba at that time. four of his nephews, the three of his nephews, within the first year, four out of the, three out of four nephews were dead, and they shot both his brothers.

Jesus Christ. Because they didn't know anything else. They came out here and got into the fucking cocaine business, and by that time, it became Barakoulaville. That's where her claim to fame was that she shot. Now, let me explain some to you. I watched the first documentary, and I bought into it and bought it not, and then the second one was just a waste of my fucking time.

But it's funny, because the other night when it happened, I read it in the afternoon, and I went out not thinking nothing of it. And I went out and Rogan called me that night. He goes, he-he. They shot his Aliblanco. And I go, fuck her. And we started laughing. It's like, you know what? The lady killed or supposedly killed all these fucking people.

Two-year-old kid. You know what? She was walking around knowing it was coming. So speaking of opium, one of the things we want to talk about is losing weight. That's right. Joey's lost a lot of weight. And you guys can't see me. But I've lost about 40 pounds, but I need to lose about another 100, something like that.

and Joey's been one of the best guys for me since we've gotten together taking me through it because like the usual diet I'm sure a lot of guys out there listening or girls right now listening have weight issues and a lot of the diets and wake and working out it just sucks so Joey has the oatmeal what else do you usually eat all every day if you're just put a banana in me I'll fucking put a little oatmeal in me a little special K and then I go for a little walk at about 8.30 when I take my wife to work and then as the day goes for

I'm basically a weight watcher's guy I'm always looking for new fucking recipes You know I got the Dolce books over Listen man It's like my religious beliefs I'm a Catholic But I try to borrow from the fucking Jews

I throw a little Buddhism in there You know what I'm saying A little Santa Ria I put it all together It's like the Jikundo of fucking religions This is like the Jikundo of diets So I do the Doce diet And I do the Weight Watchers diet

Put together And then you work out like a motherfucker And on the other side You know It's funny because when I first, I was weighing 4.15. And for a month, I would go boxing the morning at Fortune's Gym. And I'd hit the bag, and I'd fucking, a macafoli would train me in the ring.

And I did that for a while. I lost 15 pounds in 60 days. And then I read something online that talked about that you could jump up and down for 92 fucking hours a day. But if you're not eating correctly, that's the whole thing. thing. You gotta eat correctly. And I read it and it made sense and I had gone to a heart doctor and that fucking guy said to me, you know, he goes, Joey, you've been coming in here for a while. My heart's strong, but he goes, you're too heavy. Your heart's strong. He goes, you should do something. Why don't you go to see what's that diet? Not when they put the

fucking staple in your stomach, but the other one when they're shrug in your stomach. Gastro bypass he goes, you should look into it. And he goes that he would, he could talk to a doctor and give it to me a cost and they could do payments. And I said, you know what, that's about 90 fucking needles. That's 2,000 fucking, I could see me fainting the whole fucking week. I go, forget about that shit. So before I looked into it, I had a friend Marilyn Martinez who died a couple years ago of cancer. God bless her so.

But she was on Weight Watchers, and she lost a ton of fucking weight for a while. So I remember just walking into Weight Watchers, and it was just making little fucking changes. It wasn't making it. Bro, let me tell you something. A fat fuck like me, Stoner could lose weight. anybody could lose weight because it's basically just switching it around. I went from eating, you know, this was my old breakfast. My old breakfast was like three eggs sunny side up, a half a pack of bacon, you know, toast.

I had about three cans of Coca-Cola. That was my old breakfast. Yeah, it was like whatever, what I would eat with my wife at 8 o'clock, you know, 7.30. As soon as she went to work or I smoked a fucking joint, I go to McDonald's and get a number one with a fucking Coke. and two apple pies and then I'd smoke more pot and I'd go eat Chinese with my friends and Chinese will fucking

will fatten you the fuck up quick especially the Chinese I eat and then I'd go home and eat the leftovers from the night before and then I'd have dinner with my wife now my wife is from the fucking South you know my wife will fry it if you let her that bitch will fry a fucking piece of bread

if you fucking let her so we'd go home and she'd make a huge dinner and then I go out, go to a comedy store, and I drink Coca-Cola's. Oh, geez, that's killer. And I drink 10 or 12 Coca-Cola's all night at the bar with no alcohol in it.

Then I'd go home and on the way home. You've got to stop and get a taco or milkshake, something. So it was really easy. So with Weight Watchers, I went from that diet to basically one egg, a piece of toast, three slices of bacon, and a bowl of oatmeal, on a bunch of fruit. See, the Weight Watchers diet I did before. See, I write everything down.

So the Weight Watchers diet I did before They had fruit It was points But I'm sitting there going fruits No points It puts the shit out of your ass So I cheated I just ate as much fruit as I could

I went from fucking apples To bananas To peaches Like I just ate a banana This fruit's the key Like if you're over 350 pounds Weight Watch it says To eat fruit

Seven fucking times a day And that's tough man That's tough but not really That's an apple here A banana there A pineapple fucking here You know, that's really tough. But, you know what, I dropped 100 pounds.

I went away to 270. In the last 14 months, I've put on 30 pounds. I'm up to 300. I walk around at 298, 297. By the time the baby's born, I'd like to be down to 250, 245, you know. My head's going to be fucking ginormous. If you think, you know, my head, my nose, all you see is fucking nose and ears coming at you. And that's one thing they never had to die for is the fucking coconut.

Yeah, and let me ask you, because you're a comic and you would, on the road and being out at night, my big problem is I work a lot. And I would, there's nothing easier than a drive-thru. After you work eight, ten hours a day, you don't really want to go home and cook. Now, you're not doing that, but you're out on the road, you're out late at the store, or you don't want to come home and start cooking a meal so you stop at McDonald's or whatever. Is it just changing your mindset, or how did you get to doing Weight Watchers with that sort of stuff? you just have to decide what the fuck you want to do if you're going to McDonald's and all those places

you're shooting yourself in the fucking foot anyway you're shooting yourself in the fucking foot if you're going to McDonald's constantly you know what I don't understand how McDonald's is still in business with everything I read I don't understand how you got these little fucking kids and I see them going into McDonald's one thing about me guys

if you look at my pictures if I could find pictures of me as a child that was always scrappy I was skinny I didn't get fucking fat to my 35s, sturdy twos. Really? Yeah, I used to walk everywhere. I would walk. Oh, okay. You know, I believe in fucking exercise, but I got what's called sleep at me.

One of the worst things you can fucking do is stay up late, especially if you have to get up early, which is part of your problem. Yeah, I'm working nights too, so it's tough. But here it is, man. Plain and simple. It's whatever the fuck you want to do. You want to lose the fucking weight. You'll lose the fucking weight. I'm telling you

that it's not hard at all to fucking lose weight. It's harder in your mind. People think it's harder in your mind. Because Weight Watchers teaches you, for example, there's a place, Rome a fucking pizza up here that they make sandwiches, okay? Now, you could go in there. We could get a sandwich, two sides,

chips, and a soda. Or you'd go in there and get a split a sandwich, get one side of red peppers in olive oil, which you don't think that has points is the olive oil, which is good for you. And maybe get a glass of water or something. You could still eat. I can still go

to fucking in and outburst. and get a burger, a cheeseburger single with lettuce, tomato, no mayonnaise, and no fucking special sauce, I could eat a half order of fries because the burger with the points is eight. I could eat a half order of fries, which is four, and then get a diet soda. So I just want to end and out for 12 points.

As opposed to two burgers, the large fries. Two burgers, a double-double fries, a milkshake or soda. And you know what? At first you look at this meal and you go, ah, I'm going to be fucking hungry. blah blah blah but you're not after you finish there you're not hungry at all you're like what the fuck man if I could do this all the time it wouldn't be that bad you know what I'm saying yeah one thing you said to me when we started is going like going to subway which is you can get healthy food there but when you go in there I always think oh I'm gonna want the footlong

when you eat the foot long you're full if you had gotten the six inch and waited 10 minutes you're gonna be full it's enough food if you eat the six inch butt let me tell you something man and I'm a fucking, I've always liked the best food. I always, that's one thing about me. My mother did not let me eat fast food. You know, I'm from Jersey. I grew up around great delis. I would never let myself on a fucking, like,

I was in Nashville, and there was a subway, and I go, let me go get a tuna. How bad could the fucking tuna be? It's fucking bad. Yeah. You know, I'm sitting there one day, like any other stone around fucking the world, and I'm watching a commercial, and they're talking about the turkey,

jalapeno avocado sandwich delicious it sounds delicious it sounds delicious it's a delicious sandwich if you take thumans

fucking oven roasted turkey and you slice that motherfucker thin and you get a nice avocado and smear it you put some jalapenos maybe a piece of provolone that's a fucking

dynamic sandwich right there but when you go to fucking subway or quiz Subway you taste that sandwich and it's that fucking turkey salami shit how are you gonna eat turkey How do you call him this a spicy Italian?

This is a spicy fucking turkey. This ain't no spicy Italian. You leave there in an hour later. You're burping fucking cold cuts like a motherfucker. You're not supposed to be burping fucking cold cuts. Never. So that's the reason why I don't go to Subway. I know that Jared said he lost weight with Subway.

Wait, five years enough. He's got a hemorrhoid the size of fucking Mount Elyptus coming out of his asshole. Yeah. Because all that shit will fucking kill you. And the lettuce is petrified sometimes. It's just a little petrified. All that shit. You ever see the fucking people that work in Subway

They forget to put their gloves on I mean it's fucking crazy Customer service in restaurants It's to an all-time fucking And it's not even customer service at a restaurant It's customer service fucking anywhere You walk into these place and these kids Just look at you like you're a fucking three-headed

fucking monster You know just either help me You don't fucking help me I go in the stores looking to fucking spend the dollar And I look at who's working there And how they treat you And I've always said that in this economy right now customer services was going to prevail.

Yeah. You know, everybody has a cheap price. Look at fucking Amazon. You could do, you could fucking do Amazon for fucking nothing. Yeah. Go on and get delivery to your house. You don't have to leave.

Shipping's free. Stay home and mind your fucking business and that's it. You know what I'm saying? Do you think it's commission? Because, like, Best Buy and all those places, they don't make commission anymore. So what is their incentive to sell? What? Best Buy is?

Any of those electronic places, any store, I don't know. I have any stores that work on. on commission anymore, do you? Yeah, people work on... I used to work the fucking footlocks. A lot of people know that's what I'm saying. I think in the past, but I know at least at the big electronic stores, they don't work on commission. So that's why they don't know anything and they don't... Actually, it was on Louis

the other night the other night. He went into a store and a salesman didn't know anything about it. And then when he got... When Louis didn't want to help him out, he, the salesman tripped him. And it was hilarious. But it brought up a good point that what's their incentive to sell? It's why... At good restaurants, when servers can make money, you're going to get good service. At least in my experience, I don't know. What do you think? Who fuck are you talking about?

I don't know, man. I've been up all night. Well, if you go to a fucking nice restaurant and they know you're going to fuck, listen, you should always fucking tip big. A lot of them, like my mother, my mother would get into a cab and throw the motherfucker at 20 just to know where she stood with the motherfucker before she even put the pedal to the metal cock sucker.

You know, so they know where you stand, you know where you stand. You go to a bar sometimes. The bar's packed. You throw that bartender, a fucking tent spot, and a buzzer. the rock a coke or something. They could stand around me yelling, me, me, me, me, me.

You're going to still get the fucking cocktail first. That's an old school type mentality. That's church of what's happening now. You walk in there, you give that fucking guy a bud. You slip in his hand like a soldier. And you see what happens. Speaking of a fucking church of what's happening. Now, let's break over for some fucking Jesus fucking cookies here.

I got these things last night. They're like 2,000 grams of fucking reframing a little. These are the new church of what's happening now. Is that an edible? Yeah, these little edibles. Holy shit. They're really, what do you call it? Jolly Ranch is what you call them.

Oh, good Lord. You fucking take them like this. Right now, if you're at home, get on your hands and knees so I can throw a fucking blessing on you and shit. You know, Jesus took the fucking juice, passed around his friends and said, drink for me. The holy blood, this is my fucking blood.

The new and everlasting blood. Drink of it and you'll live for fucking ever. and then he took the after dinner he took the fucking bread and he broke it and he gave it to his disciples and said take this all of you and drink of it or eat of it this is my body

the true and everlasting body of mad motherfucking flavor so here it is boom the church boom throw it cops up that's how we're running here today where these cats come see your dad you're fuck

come in mama none of these cats are coming out leaves here today Lee wouldn't you get a hooker last night or something you got the fucking You came in here that you put the Malook on them, you know what I'm saying? I'm sorry, I mean, usually they like me. I don't know what's going on.

Come on, come on, Greg, Ray. You don't want to say hello to the camera, Cucksucker? And I'm going to show you, this is Greg. This is my girl. Oh, Gray's great. This is my gray, great guys. There's my little girl. She's not that little either.

She's about fucking 10. I love it with all my heart. This is my little gray, say hello, cocksuckers. Say hello, Greg, what's happening? I know I'm not in the mic leave, so what? I turned it up, man. Yeah, they get it. Jesus Christ.

They got to see what the beautiful cat is. I can't have a mic. Say hello, mama. Now, Gray has an interesting story, right? Because when I first came over here, she was, like, living in this room mostly. Yeah, because Gray used to live outside. And when I moved here, Gray started coming up the stairs and saying, hello, scratching the door in the mornings and shit.

My other cats would get fucking pissed. Yeah. But then Gray got attacked. by this douchebag fucking cattle I seen last night. He ripped open her little back. So I couldn't find her. She wouldn't come home. So me and my wife were hunting for grain,

we found her around the corner. And we brought her back, and the landlord downstairs took her to the vet. But the problem was, once she came back, she wasn't allowed to go back outside. She's already got dogs downstairs. That's right. This is my little girl.

So I brought her up. I didn't want her to leave. She had grown up around here. She knows the ins and out. She's not a lot to go out. Besides, I couldn't have her out. Look at it. She's my little black and white girl.

Who says I hate black people? That's right. Cocksucker. Oh, there's always a lot of work. I work nights, and that's the best part about working nights. It's on 2 o'clock, TNT, TBS. Two, three, but they cut them down. They've been replacing them with the fucking mentalist.

They pissed me to fuck off lately. A little fidget guy with the fidget fucking girl. You know, I like the show. It's a good show, but Law & Order is a stable. Been around for 25 fucking years. You're going to change it up on me now. Two o'clock sometimes I come home. I'm running around all that.

I want to see Law & Order. I got up here and there's no fucking Law & Order. No, and that show was on for 20 years, and I can't believe they canceled it. 25 years. That's a lot of residual money right there. A lot of criminals. Yeah, but then they tried Law & Order to L.A. for a while, and that came.

It's not on? I don't think so. They canceled it with J. L.O.J. If they didn't, they're about two. That's not terrible. Nah, Law & Or, you know, it's about fucking real stories. What's the one we were talking about last night? Wasn't it you?

We were talking about Law & Order episode? No. Don't fuck with me, Lee. You're trying to put something out there, and you're trying to change it up on me, cock's sucker. Churchill, what's happening now Monday morning? I'm happy you're fucking here. Last week we were talking about Aerosmith.

I was telling Lee, yes, I was telling Eddie Bravo last night, that, you know, sometimes, you have all your life to have a great first album. Yeah. Then your second album. usually tells you what's going on. The reason why I like those older guys, especially Aerosmith, was that third album is a masterpiece,

but so is the second album, Get Your Wings. Don't get us confused here. The first one was Dreamline with Walking the Dog. You got one good song and the other one. The second one was Get Your Wings, which is a fucking masterpiece, because they didn't come out fucking throwing heat right out. There's a lot of slower ballads on there, same old song and dances in the slow ballad. But you got Train kept their rolling where they went from a studio version into a fucking live version.

but Jesus Christ fucking rocks you know throw me a song from rocks anything not back in the saddle but there's got to be you got back in the saddle

you got nobody's fault let's see what else let's see if they have the full album on there maybe yeah they got the full out rocks here we go full album all right you press in rocks there's a

lash child rats in the cellar combination sick as a dog do you have one you want to start with let's start with nobody's motherfucking fork. Go to the 20-minute mark right there. It's going to take a while to link up.

I know that, but these motherfuckers... You do? Let's see. That's my main man. Lee Lee's one of the baddest motherfuckers I've known. A lot of people always said yesterday to me, Ah, Lee's a... Let me tell you something about Lee.

Lee got the ball going. Lee's the executive producer on fucking Etita you or the priest. Lee also helped me with the documentary, the manned Flavor World. The mind of Lee. He's a crazy motherfucker. He wouldn't be doing this. He'd be doing fucking arson.

that type of jeep. He'd be lighting buildings down to the fucking nub. That's how he rose. Jewish lightning, motherfucker. If you, you know, one of the reasons why I got out of crime was one thing. You never want somebody to knock on your door when you're 50 fucking years old. You know, whatever you do

at 20 is great. You don't want to do time at fucking 50 and above. You don't want to die in a fucking can. That's a, that's a bad fucking life. What is that? The Ghost of the Gislda. Giselva, that cock sucker. So, you don't want to end up. That was the biggest deterrent I had

was seeing my uncle in Miami go to jail at 50. And, you know, when he went to jail, he was a millionaire. And the next thing you know, he's got to move into an apartment in Atlanta because the federal penitentiaries in Atlanta, even though he was rocking in Miami, he had to move to Atlanta and put his kids in a two-bedroom apartment, three fucking kids.

So I see what it does to you. I see what it does to your family. But the worst thing is that you don't want to die in the can. And that's the worst thing about Carmen, man. That you're walking around when you do something, like there's people in front of my house here that park and then go to work instead of parking for free parking they park back here because they don't want to do the sticker or some shit and they park

in front of my house every fucking day i wake up and i see the same cars and i want to go over and stick a nail in front of them or flatten their fucking tire or scratch their door you know my stepdad was a fanatic about the spot in front of his fucking house oh yeah of course on his his mind that belonged to him was it in new york it was in jersey new bergen new jersey and he would sit there all fucking night watching the spot and with somebody parking it he'd go out there and flatten his fucking tires. I got to the point where nobody would park on the fucking block because

they know their tires would be fucking flat. What do you look at the fucking thing for? I'm talking to you. I'm sorry. No, that's a... So I sit out there sometimes and I'm like, you know what? I'm going to flatten this guy's tire today. I'm going to get cat shit and putting it on a door handle. You know, at 49, I know

one thing. If I do that, I'm going to walk around and I got something coming to me. I never want something coming to me. That's the problem fucking karma. So Gisela, whatever, rest in peace, but dirty bitch, you knew you had it coming, you're out there sling and blow, getting your fucking little black pussy suck or Colombian pussy suck. They killed in front of

a daughter-in-law or some shit. Yeah, yeah, like two people rolled up on a motorcycle and shot around the head. Yeah, fucking new jack city style, you know what I'm saying? That's nuts. I had a question, I was thinking because I read that article and I was thinking about it the other day, do you know of anybody who's like

has been a drug dealer or doing that stuff for their entire life and actually gets away with it and doesn't go to jail or end up dead other people who can do that for like a lifetime or is that a lot of people do it for a lifetime but there's never you always pay somewhere okay you're always gonna pay somewhere somewhere you gotta pay for your fucking sense so you might rock and roll and make some money but you might have other heartaches that are associated with that and you know you know what it's kind of myelansky he made a bunch of money but he had a retarded son and his wife always blamed that really on The retarded, you know, what he had done on.

I shouldn't say retarded. He was fucking a moan, whatever. I don't fucking know. But they, she always blamed it on that. You got to come. Always remember that. The church of what's happening now. Let's play some fucking musically.

What are you in the move for today? Do you want to play more Black Sabbath? Or do you want to play something else? I don't know. I'm in the mood for something exotic. What are you fucking think? Like that. We haven't done any real, we've done a little bit of rap, but not really.

Or any country? Country. That's not fucking bad. you know about country I love I don't know shit about country I like this uh what the the fucking chicken the guy the lady altabellum I like those fucking two there's savages don't forget Mr. T's calling today my high school teachers calling in about 20 minutes uh Mr. T's a very interesting guy I love this guy and I've spoken to him I keep in touch of him he was my teacher from freshman year the senior year in high school and pretty much

after that he kept me out of uh he kept me from fucking taking a swan dive as he would call it you know joey i hear through the fucking ranks you're thinking of taking a swan dive it ain't worth it so uh i didn't see him from the time i graduated in 82 and uh in 84 i see them on a street corn he pulled up next to me he goes you looking like fucking mortovan death of warmed dova look at you you filthy fucking savage look at this bad motherfucker so uh he said you know you gotta get your life together you can't keep hanging out on corners and the next thing you fucking know uh i had to leave i had to leave north bergen new year's eve 1984 new year's eve he's nineteen eighty four because i front of a half ounce of blow so i figured

i'd front a half ounce of blow keep the pocket money and start a new life i called him about six the morning he picked me up and took me to kreskell new jersey about 15 miles away and uh he took me a few a a a a meeting and he believed in me you know and i got a job in the city and i got a job at a liquor store and I kept fucking doing my thing. So after two months one day, he goes, I got a call from the cops, do me a favor. Don't come back to you pull up with a fucking Cadillac.

That's fucking intense. I went to Rascals one time and I called him. I go, I ain't got no Cadillac, but I'm getting on stage. Do you want to come? And we and that was about 15 years ago, we've been tight. And whenever he sees me on TV calls me and he's my high school teacher. Wow. Mr. T. and

I love him to death. This is the reason I do this shit. you know, to make people like that proud. They went on a limb for me, so I'm trying to go on a fucking limb for them, you know what I'm saying? Now, looking back into those times when you were, when those people would help you out and you were still doing crime or still doing drugs, did you feel bad doing that and you just couldn't stop or you just didn't even?

No, I didn't give a fuck. Why do I give a fuck? You're doing your thing, though. When you do your thing, you commit and you don't fucking look back, you know? When you got to pull out a fucking gun and say, what are you going to do? I mean, you know, you're caught up in different things in your life. You know, I made mistakes like everybody fucking else. some women suck 50 cocks

you know I tried to roll the fag what are you gonna fucking do it happens sometimes in your life but I'm here to tell you I wasn't not happy about it now I'm gonna have a child I don't want the fucking kid to know but what are you gonna do the kid's gonna know and you live with it you stick with your decisions the things we do

when you ain't got a fucking gun leave how about a little fucking Allison chains this morning down in the hole direct from the from the murky waters of the underworld where there's H this fucking everything you understand me and if you find the live one do it but just go off a dirt just to

get people in the fucking mood today because this show's about getting you up it's six in the fucking morning we think I'm doing up here I'm here from my fucking health or what when I was a kid and I get up there'd be the news the news and Jack Whelaine doing fucking sit-ups in a body suit like Bruce Lee without the fucking stripe here you got a bunch of shit you motherfuckers got 800 channels and then you got mad flavor you got what Allison Chan song do you want play down in a motherfucking hole. Okay. Great fucking album dirt. One of my all-time favorites.

I mean, let me tell you something, man. I was down and out with music. After the 80s, I was like, fuck this shit. And when all that stuff came out of Seattle, I was never so fucking happy. I liked that shit so much. I met a girl moved to motherfucking Seattle. That's how much I liked it.

Soundgarden, Allison, Chains. I mean, all that fucking shit. Pearl Jam. It was just a beautiful time to be up there. And I was very fortunate. Too bad, I was on probation the whole fucking time. What are you going to do? Lee, what are you looking for?

A fucking crystal ball over there? That's loading, man. Give me four seconds. Loading. What are you got AT&T versus for? What are they fucking loading? They're not fast enough. These motherfuckers, they charge you for fucking everything.

It's going to be the speed of light, and then nothing fucking happens. They're the biggest fucking rip balls without a gun. AT&T sprint. I love them to death. I love my fucking sprint phone. I don't like, this is falling or something? No, no, I'm saying I'm running. Oh, who gives a fuck Lee?

You don't do that Lee because you throw me off. When you move your head and you tell me, I don't know what the fuck's going on, you're in the middle of dropping fucking knowledge. What are you doing? Look who's coming. Cock suckers here. Where the rest of him, Terry Clark? Just remember, he goes into office.

We're really going to get down here. There's going to be no reefer, no nothing, but I don't give a fuck. Look at this. I got the paper pen. And worst case scenario, you know me, I've smoked these fucking cat buds. I order these from fucking Amazon. Go to Amazon. Pet Green's catnip buds.

I love this shit from my cat. used to it though now. See, they get the resistance like we. Every once in a while. You're paying attention for the phone, this motherfucker might call. It's on whenever he's ready. He might call in a couple minutes. So that's how lucky we are today. I still keep in touch with my high school teachers. Cock

of suck. We're going to have to get Barone to call. If anyone watched the documentary, Barone was on, the guy with the red shirt and the blue background. He's great. That's a good fucking idea. I'm going to have my ex, the stripper call. I called her this morning. She ain't fucking answering. I wanted to see what her deal was.

wait that fucking freak up and talk about hand jobs and whatever the fuck she does. Who's this? Motherfucker, send an email this early about travel. They send you this fucking abouttravel.com. Who gives a fuck? If you keep sending me emails after a year and I don't get back to you, what are you sending me to me? What are you wasting your time?

You think I'm going to change my fucking mind about your product? Now I got Boston Market sending fucking emails. You get their emails? No, don't do you have to have there? Come out to Boston Market. Yeah, listen, man, when you're a fat fuck, Boston Market's got great turkey. You go there, you get a little slice of fucking turkey.

with a little stuffing. You get double sides of meat. You get extra protein. You put that trip to fucking normal in your system. You go home and take a nap. You smoke a fucking blunt. So it's not bad because you're not going to make a fucking turkey every week. Turkey's dry too much, though.

I tend to stay away from it like a turkey dinner. I'll have turkey sandwiches, but turkey's dry too much. Yeah, but the problem is because you order a turkey dinner on a fucking Wednesday. By that, anything's fucking dry. Her asshole's fucking dry. You got to eat the turkey dinner when it's fresh on a Sunday. Even a no-ho-C., down the fucking corn. I'm a no-ho-ccccdiner.

which you ordered the spaghetti and found out how bad the fucking food was. They got a great turkey on Sunday. They slice it thin. The mashed potatoes blow. The fucking gravy looks like pimple juice. Like white head pimple juice that hits the fucking mirror. It's thick. But he's calling?

No, not yet. What are you looking at me for? Like, I'm on probation, cock suck. Looking at you wherever I get yelled down when I look at the chat. I get yelled at when I look at you, man. I don't know what the fuck you're doing. You're confusing me. And everybody's everybody, everybody that you saw last night.

Listen, I don't know how to break this down for you because people are going to get pissed off, but I don't give a fuck. And here goes, all right? When I turned out that Democratic convention last night, and I seen that Puerto Rican Mexican dude, and his last name is Castro, I almost shot myself. That was a fucking weak move putting up a fucking Castro. Last Castro that fucking talked to people,

took over a fucking island and shoved it up their fucking ass. And it's never going to... I hate Castro everything. Yeah. Castro convertibles. I hate the fucking... I hate the whole Castro. I hate them fucking all.

So I got pissed off, but thank God my God. And you know what? I'll tell you what, I always think this election was going to be won by the women on this one, because they're fucking close. I thought Obama's wife was going to go up there and throw up heat. I love Mrs. Obama, so don't get me wrong. Oh, that fucking thing was brutal. She, that was a, that fucking speech was giving me an earbeat,

talking about her family and walking up the stairs and seeing her father. Who gives a fuck, all right? Let me know what your husband's going to do. I got to sit through this fucking thing. That's one of those cocaine ear beatings when you want the chick to suck your dick. But you gotta let her tell a story to get there. You know what I'm saying? She's telling me about her father coming home

and she'd be on the top of the stairs. Do I need this fucking aggravation in my life? Just lick my nuts and move on with your fucking long story. Yeah, no, I can't stand this time of year. I get yelled at all the time because I just don't vote. They're all liars. You got to go fucking vote, but they're all fucking liars. At least you see through it.

I mean, you know, the big question is how much is your life changed the four fucking years.