The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - The CHURCH: BEST of THEO VON, Vol. 2 | with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: July 24, 2023

339 - Recorded live on 12/10/2015. https://youtube.com/live/Y4HF8ehmePU #383 - Recorded live on 05/25/2016. https://youtu.be/ho3WFBqJSe4 #443 - Recorded live on 01/02/2017. https://youtu.be/XNRYlW-JvMw #499 - Recorded live on 07/17/2017. https://youtu.be/PxCssAVJjpU #529 - Recorded live on 10/29/2017. https://youtu.be/-pqm56Y85AQ This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT!   Go to https://www.onnit.com & Enter PROMO CODE: JOEY, JOINT or CHURCH The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #TheChurch #TheoVon #LeeSyatt 

I would imagine, well, I'm surprised you're not. Like, Benets? Are you serious? If I lived in New Orleans and had Beny's and Tripp Poys, I forgot about about fucking Beny's. I've never even had one, but I just see it, and it just looks... It used to be a place in Boulder. Baby formula, too, actually, down there. Baby formula. You see a lot of the sisters drinking baby formula outside of the French quarter.

I don't know if you ever noticed that. In a bottle? What do they do? In a bottle? No, no, no. It's just a can, buddy. It's just canning up. It's true, man. A couple of sisters out there can in it up. It's, you know, it's weird you're talking about this. Because I think that, like, my best eating period, you know, you start off skinny.

You work out in high school, you play football. You know, I had a friend that used to eat a box of fucking cereal for breakfast and an Enteman's cake. How to fuck that and a gallon of milk. Whatever the fuck the milk is with the cereal. Was he driving truck? That's insane. No, he was in high school. He would lift weights.

and then, you know, I was eating too. I had a great appetite. Then I moved to Colorado and they took away the night eating. There's no more drinking and going to eat what I was used to eating, which was an open steak sandwich or two in the morning with a filling it up. And not even brushing your teeth. Shit, just going to bed with dirty teeth. Fuck, yeah, that's how I do.

Fuck, yeah, fucked up. So that's, yeah, that's where I'm from at a place you get to bed with dirty teeth. You get dirty teeth. And, you know, you don't, uh, I just don't. I don't eat here at night. I go home, if I'm really high, I'll eat whatever my wife cooked, which is controlled. It's like a chicken color.

You know what I'm saying? It's not like 20 chicken colors. Well, there's 20 chicken colors. She could fuck shit up. There'll be like one leftover chicken till it. I'll eat a chicken color, eat an apple. You know what I'm saying? It's crazy.

I've been lucky all week. My mom has been here for almost a week. No way. And I haven't eaten this good in four years. She's cooked. She's cooking breakfast? We've been sleeping a little late. A couple days she made breakfast, but it's been like, she made brisket.

She made a couple kinds of different kinds of chicken. And it just stacked all of that. Stacked all my, like my entire fridge is full now for like the next few weeks. I like Peach Cobbler. Oh, she made icebox cake. Have you ever had that? All you do is you take a layer of graham crackers and you have to get the cook and serve pudding, not like pudding cups, but you have to cook pudding.

And you just do layers of pudding and graham crackers. You put in the fridge and then freeze up and then put some whipped cream on it. Mm-hmm. Listen, if I went to a concert, do you think? I'm bringing a hamster home with fucking ACBC. No, I'm not. No, I'm not. I'm about to rock.

I'm going to be fucked up the whole night with this hamster in my pocket. But when you leave, when you leave, Coco, when you leave the place, that's when we get you, bro. You get it their head. People are leaving on ecstasy pills. They're on Molly. You leave. You get that fucking hams. You get that warm little piece of God in their hands.

They buy it every time, bro. I was on the Rogan podcast, and I told the truth. My main affidrate, if anybody ever fucks with you, come to me. Don't say nothing to him You come to me And you go, this guy fuck to me And this, this, this and this and this way And I'll ask you a bunch of questions

And we'll lay a road plan For you to torture this guy, bit slap him Shoot him, just fuck with him Light his house on fire, you know Steal his mail, whatever the fuck And I first, like, when I was a kid I really was the best Like if you fucked him, I'd just wait and rob your house

I just rob your fucking house That's it, like you're getting your house robbed That's it That's always the plan. And I'm taking the most important thing to you in that fucking house. I would steal eight-ball cash jewelry, but if I knew they loved their sneakers, I'm taking the sneakers too. So when you see them, they're like, man, somebody busted into my house

and took my sneakers. They took my mother's jewelry. You just steal their spoons, bro. Everything, anything that I knew would get them. I'm a professional torture. And when I got the boulder in 87, I got the boulder in December, 86. Yeah, I was running from cops and drug dealers. I had like 60,000 in Cair.

So you went to Boulder? I was in Aspen. I was an Aspen. I was in Aspen. In the 86. Please. Please. You have no idea, though. I was international.

You understand? So I'm up in Aspen. I fuck up. And the girl I'm with from Boulder. We had already a warrant in Boulder. And I'm like, let's take a chance. Let's move back to Boulder. I got pulled over, no warrant.

But I got arrested for fucking Reefer. It doesn't really matter. The whole story is I got a job the week before, fucking Denver gets beat up by the Giants in the Super Bowl. That fucking Thursday I started the job. And, uh, Lee's fucking, Lee's on the griddle over here, son.

He's fucked up. Hang in there, right? He'll start seeing devils in a second. I love it. We'll cut it short and then we'll do a periscope with the lights off. Just Black Sabbath we sold ourselves for Rock and Roll. And we'll lock the door and make bets to see how it'll only take before Lee comes shooting out to,

Oh, we locked a thick, we locked this, this big girl in our town. We liked this big girl one time we ate some acid. And we locked this big girl into a room at this party. And we kept going in there with fucking pots of fucking warm water, fucking pouring it on. I feel bad. I feel horrible, dude. I didn't look. We were as kids and we were on acid, dude.

And then, bro. You can't tell me this, though, when I'm straight. You got to tell me how much on you. You've locked the girl. I just remember. How old were you? I just remembered it. Probably 16.

That's terrible. I know, but here's the thing. Let's say I was 14. That way it makes it sound not as bad, bro. But look, she ate acid with us, bro. She ate acid with us, dude. And what happened was, and we kept going in the room with, like, these pots of warm water.

I don't know why we had the pots of warm water because I think we just were fucked up, dude. And we would, like, pour a little on her. But not like torches. She wasn't in a cage or nothing. She was just, you know, free range in this room, right? I think she was scared to come out And one time we went in, bro

We heard this loud sound and we went in And she She had ran against one of the walls so hard Bro Had fucking moved the entire wall in this house Dude Huge girl about 240 pounds Beautiful girl too

The most beautiful Biggest girl that I've ever known Beautiful girl Beautiful hair beautiful face Large just large and beautiful But she's She fucking got lifted, bro. And, uh...

Yeah, man, fuck. I just came down a little bit off that fuck. I just had a little mushroom fucking high, bro. Fuck yeah. So I get this. I get this job. I'm Boulder. Oh, yeah.

I'm making dick of wages, and they put me as a shagger. It's a body shop, combination detail shop. Uh-huh. And they made me a shaggot, which means I clean bathrooms, I take garbage out, I pick a bag. customers, you know, and it was 1.75 a week for like 90 fucking hours. Like I was

the first one, man. I had to be there at 7. The thing opened at 8.30. Or 8. I had to be that 7 to fucking sweep and shovel snow. For 175 a week? For 175 a week, I'll fucking clean off all the cars, start them all up, warm them, bring them into the body shop according to

all the numbers. I did the whole thing, man. And I liked it. Listen, I was fucked up for a long time. This was a great little job for me. But you know what, man, $1.75 for all these hours, these motherfuckers are getting a little fat off me. And I'm like, fuck it. I want to go in the detail shop. So I started petitioning to go on the detail shop.

I was a really good fucking Shaggers, so they knew my work ethic. The guy was from fucking New York State. Steve something. There's so many fucking Steve's in my life that every time I look up his name and fucking Facebook, but he was good to me, Steve. In fact, Steve was the dude who

introduced me to Steve and Tidwell, the dude who I kidnapped Ken. Vela with. So, that's how I knew all these guys. So I petitioned Steve, I go, Steve. That's it, man. I'm a great shagger. I want the fucking job in the back.

You know, I'm sick and tired of making $1.75. Yeah. I want to make $200 a fucking day like these fucking Ginooks. Yeah. So one of the guys heard me, and he didn't like me. His name was Dirk something. Oh, fucking Dirk. Dirty Dirk.

And Dirk wasn't a tough guy, but he was one of these guys that would fight me to the end. But, and he had the body shot. guys. He had the whatever guys, the the details. The the details? They were on his side? The details were kind of a little cunty. Right. You know, I knew like two of them that were

really cool. The other two were cunty. Well, because they were above you. Yeah, and he was the supervisor. It's hierarchy. So I said, how am I going to get this motherfucker? I see a dead rat in a corner. And I took it and I put in this jacket pocket. That's old school. I put in this jacket

pocket. The next morning this guy comes in with a dent in this car. And the jacket holding on to him. He drove home all night with the mouse in his pocket. And then the next morning, he fucking scarred his car, reached in for a pack of cigarettes, and there's this fucking rat in this bucket. And he crashed the car.

He fucking got it. That's what the dent was for? Oh, fuck yeah. I mean, he fucked up the side of his car into like a tree. It's something like that. Fuck him. You know me, though. He loved this car

He was all those deep I love this car He waxed out and every day And shit I'm like get the fuck out of here Poor Lee Oh it's looking beautiful man To lead to deep plane

Lee to another star to balance Yeah you gotta fucking Don't balance how your pH You need some fucking A little bit of horchata bro We need to fucking Hit up the Mexican milk made Bro

Get it a spray in your mouth A little fucking Lee Get your back You got a baby bird you a little Get your back on the brain Get your back on the brains. Lee is fucked up for you people. We're not watching this life.

Dude, I remember one time we, uh, this, uh, um, fuck. You got me out to death. What you? I'm gonna meet a debt. I'm gonna mean a debt is hot. Anything you say to death is always funny. Yes. Yes.

Yes. You ask me to death? Joey's fucking died a million. I used to have a friend that he was describing the girl I was dating to me. It was a father. And he goes, thank God you got her off me. He goes, when she was a kid, I used to call a dollar a debt. I couldn't see dollar debt.

Dollar of debt. That's a great fucking name. What does that mean? Dollar of debt. Give me a dollar. Give me a dollar. Give me a dollar. How many fucking dollars do you need the day?

It was dollar of debt. Dude, I remember this. Yeah, now I feel bad about what we did it, that bigger girl, bro. You can't, you know. But we didn't do it because she was big. We just did it. She just got fucked up, and she couldn't get out the room, you know? Like, I got, one of my best friends, he got fucked up one time,

and he started talking about Asian people. We never even seen any Asians in our life. And he started, no, and I guess maybe, like, in a past life, he might have known some Asians, you know? And so he starts bringing up their names, bro, and knowing them, and knowing shit about him on this mattress in this house. And I'm like, fuck, dude, you're fucked up, bro. I'm leaving, right?

So apparently I'm the kind of friend that when your friend is at his worst, you fucking leave, bro. But he's talking about Chinese people. He's never met Chinese people. We never known any. So what is he saying? He's just saying like, hey, you remember fucking, like, you remember fucking sun lamb, bro?

He was there for us, you know, and all this shit. I'm like, son lamb, bro. We don't know him, dude. You know? You're just fucking like talking about Dorothy. Dorothy, Dorothy. You know, we didn't know any Asians, bro. And I'm like, I got to get away from this.

Where you came from when you grew up, there was no Asians in that neighborhood? Not when you were there. Now there's probably four. Yeah. No, we live in a small town, dude. I mean, I remember. We probably had about 2,000 growing up. Oh, shit.

This one dude I remember was trying to be an Elvis impersonate. He said he was an Elvis impersonate. But he was just a fucking alcoholic. You know what I'm saying? Like, we don't need any Elvis, bro. You know? We got 2,000 people. We need fucking gas money.

We need jobs. Yeah, we need ideas, bro. Give us some fucking ideas. Those fucking Elvis impersonators are paying the ass. They really are. They really are. Get a fucking life, bro. I got to tell you something.

You know, I told me before, when I first got into comedy, when I got serious about it in 94, there was a guy in Denver who you should go to comedy works. And I knew his hair cut, look familiar. When you look at somebody, they're like, their headcoat looks familiar. But who am I? I'm on cold, pills.

You know, I'm beating badass. I'm eating bad. I got terrible habits. Who am I to fuck around with somebody's hair? I have a fucking terrible. And all of a sudden, I got a call from the guy and he goes, hey, I'm doing a gig. You know, I'm talking those days, 50 bucks. Oh, yeah.

And I'm like, yeah, I'll beat it an hour. And I show up, and he comes to the door, and he's got away 350. And he's got the belt on, the whole Elvis suit. And, you know, I mean, the guy is. Did you know what was going to be like that? No, yeah. I knew the whole time. I was at home preparing for this shit.

No, when I walk in the fucking door, there he is. I hate that. I hate it when they surprise you with that. And he's like, I'm the Elvis in person. They just do 10 minutes in front of me. And you know what? I think I was supposed to get 50 bucks. He gave me a yardstick.

Wow. And then he calls me three months later. He goes, hey, I opened up a bar, hilarious. So I get to this bar. It's Wednesday nights. He's the main act. And he brings up three comedians. And at the end, he sings all those Elvis songs.

And he's fucking horrible. Yeah. I mean, he's fucking horrible. He's smoking cigarettes. His teeth are green. Yeah, they're horrible. He's boozing. He's fucking fat.

He had let himself go. Sounds like Elvis. Yeah. Sounds like no voice. But, you know what this guy did? He was an Elvis impersonator and someone, that was his claim to fame. I mean, the whole inside of the club was Elvis themed. Right.

But it had a wall with write-ups about him, you know. All the awards he wanted shit. He was a Vegas boy. And he was no good. Maybe at some point he wanted. I mean, you know, at this point, and he fucking bought this club. They bought him out in Vegas. Like, they bought him out because his voice is so bad.

I don't fucking know. And he went to Colorado and opened up a fucking little bar. Like, it wasn't even a bar guy. It was like an old, like an old boutique that he turned into a bar during the week. And he sang Elvis. It was a woman's closet. Hysterical, hysterical. But you know what, man, whatever the guy said,

he would always pay me, he paid me double. He never tried to stick a finger on my ass. He never did drugs or nothing, but he always bought me a drink. He'd go, take a drink, you know, don't. He goes, I'm not going to give me two because I'm not going to be responsible for you driving. Even if you have money, I don't want you to drink in here.

Go drink next door. Yeah. But he was solid. Like, he liked me as a comic, and he always paid me, and he didn't blow smoke up my ass. It's not like he was going to make a video and take me to Vegas. Thinking back, and I forgot his name.

and I'm really sorry. Good dude. He was just a terrible Elvis. Yeah. I wouldn't have Elvis fucking... No. I think if Elvis came back to life, he'd shoot half these impersonation. Like, that's hell for Elvis.

Like, that's his... No, that's a great movie. Elvis comes back and fucking kills all the impersonators. Let's hit, all the bad ones are the maker. Ta-da-da-da-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta. Instead of ISIS coming in and shooting everybody, it's a fat Elvis with a missing leg and he's decapitated neck and shit. He shoots people.

to the kitchen, he takes something, he leaves, and shit. And the cops don't mess him because it's Elvis. This dude was the worst, bro. He was the worst, and he wasn't, like, he had no work. They let him dress up, like, they dress him up like Santa around Christmas, let him wave at the trains and shit coming in the town, you know? Like, seasonal greeter, you know? And he'd always, like, like, you'd see him, and he'd be like, oh, who, you know,

it's like, kill the fuck out, dude. Give him a break. Yeah. What's weird? Just, it's just us. You're an alcoholic. Yeah, you know, fucking Elvis and person. You're not even in uniform.

You're in an alley right now. And his kids, he made him be Pentecostal. He had four kids, no mom. He made him be Pentecostals, kept him in a yard. What's Pentecostal, me? It just means they wear, like, big clothes and believe in, like, God, like, I think a lot. You know? But they wear, like, just huge clothes.

Like, cheap clothes. Like, they look like, like, the kids look like rodeo clowns. You know, like, they just look. You know, like, and the girl let me feel her breast, actually, one time. They had a bar bar by our fence around the house. The girl, let me feel somebody. fucking titty. Fucking,

what was her name? What was it? Barbara, Barbara, I think. Barber fucking bars. Yeah, Barbar of fucking breasts,

right? Let me feel that fucking hard nipple through some tis through some fucking barbara, right? His son used to eat

fucking tuna and ice cream every day and vomit on the bus, dude, so people would fucking beat him off. Wait a second.

We'll eat the vape, would he eat the tuna first of the ice cream? I don't know. He showed up with both of them already in them

and people would fucking beat him and he'd already be sick it'd already be sick dude and the fucking dad the dad made the kid a wooden shirt one year for fucking Christmas dude made him a fucking shirt out of wood

I'm coming up from church it's Wednesday they're in the garage I swear to God was it like cool or was it just like a big box it was horrible I mean at the time it was cool you know at the time it was cool

you know at the time it It was kind of beautiful. The kid, like, cried and shit when he put him in it. I could have been at home right now watching Empire jumping up and down with black people. Yeah. Fucking donuts and shit. And you're over here telling me this crazy shit. Who else eats a mushroom on a Wednesday?

I'm sitting here going on a while. Just us, dude. What is wrong with me? I should know better, but I don't give a fuck anymore. I guess to the point in my life where, you know what, I look at my draw, and I got quailudes in there. I got fucking grenades. You got fucking baby pacifiers I gotta do all this shit that's in there

Baby pacifiers But those are for you You know You look at all this mushrooms And you go on the road And you're like, what the fuck People actually doing this shit every night And I'm sitting, you know

Yeah but my friends today They were excited Like you're going on fucking You're going with mad flavor dude We're gonna tune in You know I mean so I think that that You know

We're getting to live Some of the dream That other people don't get to live you know, when you're sitting at home and you know, you're probably sitting next to your wife or your husband or, you know, somebody you might not even fucking, maybe you do love them still, but who knows, you know?

You need a little fucking speed bump, you know? But yeah, that dude made his son a wooden shirt and then some kids spray-penned his swastika's on it, man. Motherfucker! That's fuck. We can't wash your shirt. Yeah, they spray-panish swastikas on the wood. But no, we didn't have any Jews either.

We didn't have anybody. You know, people just seen like a swastik on like a pan. pamphlet or something you know but we didn't have any Jews it was just you know this local art somebody fucking spray painted the new shirt was the population how many black people out of 2000 you probably had I would guess about 1100 brothers and they were gaining ground quick dude you could hear him fucking at night if you put your ear up to the woods that's what they would say no no but it was like any Latinos in that no market at that time creeping in I have one kid how long have you been gone for now one kid one kid

I've been gone for From that town I've been gone for I left there when I was probably Maybe 13 I've been gone Yeah I'm 36 now Whatever that is 23

23 years thanks Lee That's a real Jew Even with mushroom fucking He could be passed out He'll just pop his head 23 He'll go right back to sleep A little sleep after me He's still giving estimates

They have one Mexican kid this kid Nicholas, man, the raper. He fucking, supposed to write rapper on his shirt. I'm not if I'm talking about that. Yeah, yeah, raping. Yeah, they fucking wrote raping and they expelled it. That was the first Mexican we ever had.

What? Isn't your dad Spanish? Oh, man, my dad was Nicaraguan. I'm Polish Nicaraguan. I'm one of the few, you know? There's probably 11 of us out there. I don't know what LSD suppository. Some kind of suppositories, dude.

People were doing. Oh, my God. Yeah. It was like just putting these little, they were kind of, I don't want to say pink. They were kind of reddish-looking little fucking throwing rainbow treats up your ass. It's not manly enough if it's pink? I mean, it was, yeah. And people was doing LSDs, LSD supporters.

This dude had about, I remember he probably had about 400 of them. I don't know where he got him from Germany or somewhere, Iceland or somewhere. You know, and tell us, that was like they got them from Saturn. You know, we never even heard of that. Germany, you know, we'll fucking do this. And people were doing acid, you know, or whatever it was. doing a suppository i remember for a while so i like psychedelics a little bit when i was younger and what else dude and then but out here i don't know what happened i just had a couple of crazy

nights and then uh i was like i'm gonna try something different man so i just decided i'm gonna stop partying so and now i got about six months i've been sober since i'm the last time i walked out of here i went over to the improv and did a set high on mushrooms and they were flicking the lights on on stage, bro. I still happen on video, man. I'll put it out. I'll put it out for your for your Legion.

How old are you now? 36, man. I'm an adult. It's tough to say to yourself, this is it. You know, you have those nights and like we were saying,

you had a spectacular night in my world. Like, why I came from? That's a spectacular night. Oh, yeah. Getting in a cab. Go off a blow. Then the guy hooks you up with a chick.

You fucked the chick in the cab. No, he didn't. did. Oh, he fucked her in the cab. Oh, no, no, this is craziness. Now, what time did this night end? Dude, so what happened with that night was, let me revamp it for you. So what happened was, I went to a party, bro, and I didn't even plan on drinking. Now, you're in New York, doing comedy. I'm in New York City. Yep, I'm in New York City. Yep, I was doing comedy. I had a sublet there. I was just kind of experienced in the city. We talked once or twice when I was there, you know, and I was enjoying it, man. It was good. And then I got, I went to a party one night, and afterwards,

and they were drinking at the party. And I just felt uncomfortable, dude. To be honest, man, most of my life I have felt uncomfortable, bro. I don't know what it is. Like, in a lot of environments, I just feel uncomfortable, bro. Out of place. Out of place, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You feel that ever? All the time. What do you mean ever? There's more times that I feel in place. Like, that's a weird times. But it's like, my girlfriend and I know were just talking about it because we stayed in on New Year's year. Yeah.

But seeing the shots of Times Square and seeing the shots of the clubs, maybe I should have done something a little bit more social, but that's, that is not, I would, I would rather, I'd rather be in a box than in a club. Yeah. It seems, that, that would feel so uncomfortable there. Like, a New Year's Eve, like, club, like, that's not me at all. Well, you don't see, in a club today, it's so you to pitch, you don't see people getting fucking molested in the background and people, you know.

But at least light a candle or something for you later, you do anything? Oh, well, yeah. He's going to, Joey's going to make fun of me. We went away the week of before, we went to Long Beach, as funny as it's home. They took a trip to Long Beach, dude. I don't know. Probably to pick up rent. This is amazing. This is just amazing. So anyway, I can't even get what. That was it. You took your girl to fucking Long Beach. No, she took me. She took me.

Jesus Christ. But then we just decided to come home because it was rain. Because it was raining. Yeah, what are we going to sit in someone else's apartment? on New Year's Eve down the Long Beach when I have a nicer apartment up here. Bro, what the fuck? It's a horror show. I tried, and I keep losing them.

I'm losing them by the month. It sounds like the notebook for two people on Down syndrome. No, no, this was something that when he told me, I go, what? Now, when he told me, I thought they were going to leave Friday night, go to a hotel, like normal Americans, right? Yeah. Wake up in the morning, get a little room service,

gives her stabbing. Yeah. Take a walk down, come back. back, smoke a joint, eat a star, maybe about six, take it to a nice fucking restaurant, six, seven o'clock sitting, dog. So you're out of there by 9.30, you take it back to the apartment, give a straight up, eat three more stars and watch some stupid movie. I thought that's what he was doing.

I got a call from him Thursday at lunchtime. So we're about to leave. I go, leave where? Long Beach. I almost shot myself in the fucking head. I go, this kid can't be this stupid. And then that night I went at the dinner. I had to do a set last week.

I had two hours to kill. I told my wife, don't even make dinner. I'm going to eat dinner in Hollywood. There's no sense of me coming back. I did a set for Penn State. So I had two hours to kill, so I went to Cheebo. That's one of my favorite places in Hollywood. Is it a good place?

I never even been there. I see it. I don't eat the pizza. I don't eat none of that shit. I get the salad is delicious. The minute, whatever salad, and the big mama spaghetti with no meat. just pasta with sauce and you got cheese

and they give you a small serving it's always been good I've been eating there for fucking years wow and that's what I eat I go there three times a year though if I'm lucky I got three times to drive by I got an hour here I got no addition I planned it I go okay

I got an hour and a half and might as well go to fucking Cheebo or bag and I get excited yeah I sit next to a guy I go to the bar and I see the bartending he's an old door guy from the improv we start chit-chatting

two things down for me is a guy from Emerson College and right away I got to ask him I had to ask him what do they teach you up there because I don't know I'm not sure anymore I go I hired him because I thought he was sharper than I was but lately he's been slipping I don't know what the fuck is going on and that was Lee? That was Lee he went to Long Beach Thursday afternoon

for New Year's now I could see like I said Friday after all the traffic is that now here's the best one Here's the best one out of all of them. I call him Thursday night, or he calls me. We're talking in the conversation. And also, he goes, yeah, we Airbnb. I go, you're not even in a fucking hotel with like a fucking elliptical.

That you go to the elliptical. You've been home all week with her, and now you go down there for two more fucking nights with her to do nothing, to look at each other, and eat cookies and shit. At a strangest apartment. And watch really bad TV in a stranger's apartment. This was something that I was. squatters, bro.

I don't know what we're here. You're fucking squatters. When he called me Saturday and told me he was coming back, I wanted to tell him, just GPS to cart through the ocean to the Santa Monica Pier and take the car right off the fucking pier. Because it ain't getting no better in your life. He went away to Long Beach. And every morning when I woke up since that, today there was a burglary in Long Beach when

the guy shot the burglar. He shot the burglar every day I woke up. That morning, all I was. You were praying for it to me like Lee's apartment? No, like to see Lee fucking shot in the head. Like Lee got hit by a car coming with a box of wings. They got poor girlfriend on the thing.

I don't know what happened. They got in stuff with a red light. The saddest part is... Who the fuck goes to Long Beach? I don't know. Okay. Lee used to treat himself to a nice night at Chibo at the bar. And now a few years later, he's finally got a girl. No, that wasn't me. He was at Chibo

that night and he was thinking about me. Because the guy was from Emerson. I had to ask him, what do they teach you that? Do they teach you anything? Or What the fuck do you have to eat that? I'll be honest. Okay. This was a... We couldn't fly anywhere.

We didn't have enough time. So this is what she chose. But we actually had a good time. The fucking aquarium in Queen Mary are fucking awesome when you're stoned as fuck. But this is what I will... I did want to talk to you guys about. You see what I deal with? Airbnb.

The aquarium? It feels like squat. Like, it was the weirdest experience of my life. Don't you touch any animals? I get the pet and zoo in there? Yeah. Well, at the aquarium, yeah. I thought you were talking about the apartment for a second.

Not at the Airbnb, dude. You fucking... Like, there's other roommates? Like, there's roaches in the apartment? You massage another roommates. No, thank God there weren't roommates. This guy. Imagine if there was a roommate, he takes his lady out.

No, it's a horror show. I live in a fucking world between him and my wife. I'm not going to make it to 56. I'm not going to make it the... I just spent four weeks in that house. of my wife. Wow. It's a torture chamber.

It's a fucking house of horrors. I love it with all my heart. It's a torture chamber. What's the worst part? Like, what's the worst part? Honestly. It being 9.30. In the morning?

At night. And just sitting there not having a spot because I don't want to be at the store every night, probably. You know, I don't want to be that guy. You don't need to be at the store every night. There's young guys coming up. I know how I felt when I was coming up,

and I had shit to do, and there's some old guy that's coming down. I'm good enough. Two spots a week, I'm good. This week I'm doing Thursday. Tomorrow and I'll do flappers. If I get out Jiu-Jitsu early Wednesday, I'll pop into someplace.

But, you know, I got a gig Friday. I'm fucking good. I'm not working on nothing or nothing. I'm just putting them do a couple bits together, finding my new fucking voice, you know? Yeah. It's like, uh,

when you travel, it breaks the monotony up a little bit. Oh, yeah. And I was home for four fucking weeks. And it was the holidays and one of those weeks the baby was home all.

That's tough. Babies off of school? All week. One week vacation. And it rained three of those days. You know what I'm saying? So she wanted to ride the bicycle. That's like a triple threat of,

so do parents hate vacation? And the truth of the matter is, the truth of the matter is that might, I'm a dud. I've always been a dud. You know, Lee says that he feels uncomfortable out. I'll tell you where I feel comfortable. I feel comfortable in a bar where the bartenders,

a good-looking woman in 1924. Yeah. She still has tits. She wears push-up bras. She's got freckles on her tits. She's got a sense of humor. The bar seats 20. She serves some fucking food in there that's kick-ass.

There's a jupe. box, there's music. You know what, at this age, I don't want a fucking pool table. Yeah. And I don't want a dart board. I don't want a lot of movement. I never like movement. Yeah. Sit down, have a fucking be, and talk to me if you want to do this. If you're going to be moving around, go somewhere else.

Yeah. Pool, then arguments, and I can't walk. This guy's throwing a fucking dart at me. You know, I just want to be, you know what I'm saying? Like, that's what I want to do. That's my ideal bar. And to be strictly honest with you, since the age of 16, that was always my ideal bar. Once we started going out to those discos. I've said it once. I've said it before. My wife asked me on the ride

home the other day from dinner. We were listening to Studio 54 on Sirius X-Sept, and she goes, so you used to go disco dancing? I said, are you crazy? I was a kid when that shit came out. Yeah. I go, when I was in high school, I could put a handful of times I went to clubs. With the studio, but I went to studio in 84. There was nothing going on in the studio no more. It was a Thursday night. 84. Yeah, I was going to Club area like that. twice. I went to like the rooftop four, five, six, but I was never a club guy, bro. Look at me. I knew who the fuck I was. I belonged to the neighborhood bar with a bartender named Lila. Yeah. She had a dog behind the bar. The dog slept the whole fucking time. And that's the bar I grew

up in Joe Marys. They had a little circular biscuit thing, like a daily, like a bakery thing in the middle. And they would have a cover. And in the middle, there was ham and cheese sandwiches. That's beautiful. So if you want a sandwich, you, you just. just went over and got it. They had Stewart's sandwiches. And next to it was a, uh, not, don't cook tonight called chicken delight. It was a chica fill. Not chick fillet. This is when chicken was chicken. And one of the kids we hung with was the fucking cook. So at the end of the shift, he'd come over to the bar with a box of chicken from the left over chicken from the fucking night. It was, and you had a tab. And the guy that ran the place was a loan shark.

So if you fucking need to buy an eight ball, you could borrow 300 from on the spot. I still old 8,000 from 1980 fucking 2. You know, I never I never, the first time I went to Vegas dog, I knew it wasn't for me. Yeah. I just always felt very insecure in those

places, always. Still do. Yeah, that's how I felt, man. Still do. And I always had an excuse of my head on why I felt insecure. When I was younger, it was that I wasn't good looking enough and I'm a criminal. These people are all nice people. These aren't the environment I want to hang with, and these people

don't want to hang with me. Yeah. And when I got to a certain age, it was I was too old. And then now, I'm like, I just feel like I'm playing out fucking pervert. Yeah. Like, I remember being 25 and seeing like 50-year-old guys thinking, why is this fucking guy here? This dude's a perfect. Lee is a sweetheart.

I've seen Lee at a bar. No, I can tell he's a gentleman. Lee wants to go to a bar and watch a football game and have a bucket of wings. And he wants to yell maybe a little bit. He doesn't want nobody close to him yelling. He doesn't want nobody. Leo paid $3 extra just to, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, it's in the white section.

Lee wouldn't do good in Studio 54. What's he going to do? Have one drink. People are going to try to talk to him. I never liked going to a place where the music was loud. That's where you lose Uncle Joey. Yeah. If I can't talk to you, the way we're talking,

now I don't want to be in this, dog. I'm lost. Yeah, see, that's the same as for me, man. But I would, for some reason, I kept making excuses that made me, like, less than, you know. So, like, oh, it's my fault that I don't. fit in here instead of just being like oh this isn't my environment you know now why didn't you feel it was your own environment where i just felt like you feel older no i felt like uh you know like these people were rich or these people were better than me or these people you know i'm you know i'm kind of a

a bit of a miscreant you know i grew up on the other side of the tracks in these people but they don't know it like that's the thing i always thought because my my whole thing comes from like i've always been chubby and short. You're like a tall, in shape, good-looking dude. I'd look at you, and I think there's nothing wrong in his life at all. Like, there's no way he's self-conscious about anything. Well, that's what both wrong, man. I look at you, and I think this guy's fucking got it all.

Joey here with my main man, nephew, all-around great guy, and hilarious comedian, my brother, Mr. Theo Vaughn, and my little fucking Jewish friend, Mr. Lee Syatt. The Jewish jingle bell, baby. Johnny Hummus. Wow. St. Louis, thank you very much for coming out to the shows this weekend at Helium. I had a fucking blast with you people.

I really did. The food was great, $12 for lunch. I could move there and become one of those 600-pound man. They're going to take me via cargo to Houston and shit, where I feel every pothole in my asshole. Anyway. Theo Vaughn, what up? Good to be here, man.

Great to be here. It's a special occasion tonight. I mean, it's Theo Vaughan. one year sobriety and where else to spend it here on the church with two vagabond fucking t-h-h-c smokers myself in the flying jew two fucking hitchhikers on the on the spirit highway man congratulations bro thank you i remember that date forever because i'll think about you it's fucking great well thanks man you've been super supportive do whether i you know whatever i'm doing music or uh i don't even do music too whatever you want to play the flute play the flute you

want to make noise make noise Joey's really supportive. I make a phone call my niggas coming like the Gotti boys. You know what I'm saying? I mean, comedy or just chilling, you've always been supportive, man. So I'm happy. I feel I was going to go to a meeting tonight, but I was like, you know what?

I'm going to come here and spend it with you guys, man. So thank you. Thank you for having me. This is a meeting because that's what I thought. We're going to get more from them than we get at a meeting sometimes. Before the show started, we were talking about the use and abuse we were doing, you know, and how they were doing it, and the scams and the mental things.

you go to in just the first year I remember it took me 90 days to just fucking realize what was going on and I would go to bed early I'd force myself to go to bed early not to have that withdrawal yeah nighttime withdrawal yeah how was it for you yeah it's true the lady you stay up the more you get lonely you know you could feel the wolves starting to kind of climb around inside of you you know that's how I feel like I feel you know like they get these dangerous squirrels that kind of live inside of you and the later you stay up the more they start you know kind of peeking their head around you know looking for drugs or looking for pussy or

something you know and i feel like if i would go to bed earlier you know shut things down like we'd get a book or do something calm light a candle do something that kind of sets my mind down a little bit that i would feel better that's what i started to notice you know so addiction is it's like a mental thing for you it seems like it's not like a i always thought addiction would be like a more of a physical thing it sounded very mental it's both Yeah. It's both. It becomes, it starts mental.

For me, at the end of the last two years, like I've said before, dog, at 5 to 8, my body would ache. Really? No matter what I ate for dinner, no matter what type of a day I had, at 5 to 8, bro, my body would start hurting. And I couldn't think, I couldn't think, except going to the ATM. That was all that was on my mind. Yeah.

And as soon as that day, I couldn't think. That man answered the phone, my heart started beating. I'd take a shit and leave, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. When you came in here and told me the story about New York a year ago, I think that scared you a little bit that night. That made you realize, I've always thought about that story and how you said it on the podcast.

Yeah. I always thought that you're very intelligent because you learned something. That was nothing. It could always get worse, you know. Yeah, it just kind of affected, like I showed up at O. and Jim over there with Jim Norton at their show when I was fucked up, you know. Couldn't even talk. I just had like my mouth open, Daryl Strawberry's air, you know, and he freaking,

and I'm like Doc Gooden, you know, I'm out there, you know, look like I'd just been smoking the moon, you know? And I kept drinking coffees and I couldn't, oh, I couldn't close my mouth also, which was weird after a while, you know, when you can't even close your mouth and they kept giving me hot coffee. And I was just like, damn, man. I just kept thinking. thinking, you know, you wouldn't, I wouldn't have chose to be in this situation. If somebody asked me a year earlier, hey, you want to go on opium, Jim Norton? I'd have been like, yeah, I'm excited. And they're like, yeah, do you want to do cocaine on night before before you go on there?

I'd have been like, no way, bro, I got to be in top, top condition when I get there. But here I was doing that. So I'm thinking I must not be making all of the choices for myself, you know, that the drugs was starting to make some choices. How long had you been doing cocaine at that time? Not that long, man, you know? And I just had a couple of, but every time I would get heavy into it, maybe a couple years, but just sparingly, occasionally.

But when you would go, you would go. Yeah, when I would go, I would go. And I started to notice it was like, then it was, first it was like six times a year, you know, and then it was, then it became like once a month, and then it was becoming once a week, you know? And so I was like, oh, this is escalating, man. And that shit escalates quick, dude. Like one night I left the, I was in my apartment,

and I was all fucked up, and I used to put on, I got in a box of vest, dude. Somebody had ordered some vests, and I don't know if it was like a joke or somebody accidentally got some vests sent to the wrong person, you know, but I got a box of vests, you know, different types of, you know,

vest, shirts without arms, you know. Yeah, different colors and everything. Different colors, different styles, different patterns, everything. And so I would, like, at night, I'd be doing all this cocaine and putting on these vests and shit and kind of, you know, like enjoying myself a little bit, listen to some good music, you know,

some aerosmiths. or something, you know, just, just vibing, you know. And one night I was making a milkshake, because I don't like to eat, honestly. I like to make milkshakes more often. So I'm making a milkshake, and I left the blend,

and I got the blender on, right? And I went outside of my apartment door, and the door locked, dude, right? It's like 4 a.m. My blender's going, right? I'm out there high on cocaine. I got on this vest. It's kind of, kind of tangerine,

kind of, I guess I don't know what material it was, maybe like Mogadishu or something, you know, something fucking kind of fly. So this thing's fucking going, dude, there's only like eight units in my building, right? So I'm like, and then I guess the machine started smoking, the alarm starts going off, right?

Now it's 4 a.m., dude, I got the things shorted out. Thank God the blender shored it out, but I got the alarm going off in the building now. I'm standing outside of my apartment, wearing boxers in this fucking orange vest, got on sunshades, and then my landlord comes out and I'm like Jesus Christ you know like just look at the shit that's going on you know

and now I got to tell him I'm just up going to piss you know like so just things like that started to get weird you know I remember I fell asleep in some lady's bed and just urinated in her bed and she got angry you know and she let me sleep over and I told usually I tell people before I sleep over it I'll wet to bed once in a while you know so but anyway man it was uh yeah just just wild stuff started happened. I'll be over at people's houses. You know, just it's getting late, you know, you're touching some girl's crotch outside

of an apartment building over there and, you know, Studio City or out near the airport and you're like, what the fuck am I doing? You know? It's not bad, but I'm, you know, I did this already. I'm still doing this, you know? So that was some of the issues that I started to notice, some of the patterns, you know?

It's very sad when you look back at the stupid shit. It's true. It starts off. The talk we were having before the podcast started is it always starts off recreational. Yeah. Listen, man, for me in L.A., for me in L.A., what's a good time for me in L.A.? When I would get a call in 99, 2002, Doug, you know, I would get that call on Monday, and they'd say,

you have spots Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. And the old days, you called on Monday, and Tuesday morning, they called you with Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Thursday. She wouldn't give you Friday Saturday till Friday at fucking two. She would bury you till Friday. You keep calling. He'd go, I don't know. Sometimes they'd be there Thursday. But anyway, that's not what we're talking about here. I would, you look at the week and you see what you've got, and you

planned. I would plan my... Because for me, the best time I ever had in L.A. was going to the store, drinking a cocktail, and drinking sodas before I went on stage. Yeah. It's like being a straight gay guy, bro. He's my little brother. I got to accept him. What am I going to do?

You know what I'm saying? Thank you. I appreciate it. He's a beautiful, and one of my 70 favorite people right there, Lysayette. The top 70 people in People magazine? That's your favorite. Lysia. That's a bad motherfucker.

My favorite 70 people, dead or alive, dude. I don't think I know 70 people. Yeah, you do. Every fucking body who dies, they always make 250 mass cards for you. Did you know that? Did you really? Yeah, because everybody on the average knows 250 fucking people. That's why in business, you have to be nice to everybody.

Wow. Everybody knows 250 people, at least. Not Twitter, not Facebook. You've been in contact with 250 people. If you die by the age of 50, between classmates, high schoolmates, college mates, people at your job over 25, 30 fucking years. That's the average. How other people don't know that. You learn that when you buy telemarketing in the 70s.

That book, healthy in more ways than one. Telemarketing in the 70s. If you want to sell, that's what you fucking sell. selling generations. Let's say you sell fucking vacuums and you're serious about it. What you hope is that Lee becomes your gumba

and Lee's son buys your vacuums, Lee's daughter buys your vacuums, Lee's wife, you know, is wife's sister. Fifth generation on the mcumes. That's what you do. That's what a good fucking salesman does. You know what's so weird. You're at the christening, you're doing everything. You know what you're back? Yeah. I'll tell you this. My sister used to be

an exotic dancer, right? She used to be in the fucking... Where? Louisiana, kind of certain areas. That's a tough living. Yeah, it's a tough area, especially out there. And she actually learned a dance, and I remember this is wild, but she learned a dance and it was like a trailer, right?

It was like an exotic place, but it was a trailer, but the stage wasn't very high. The stage was too high in the trailer. So the dancers had to crouch and strip and dance at the same time, dude. So if you were over like 5'4, you had to, like, 5, 4, you had to, like duck and look sexy and that's hard to do man think about that i've never had to think about that because i'd be fine in that trailer oh yeah you'd be good bro oh you'd be the fucking you'd be a dessert dancer bro they'd bring you out with the fucking with the cream brulee man shit yeah fucking lee would take the stage like a fucking thanksgiving treat how many how many

cream brulees do you think lee would dance self that motherfucker came out every hour on the hour at least eight at least eight an hour i would tell eight every 15 minutes. But there's only so many people in the building but it's a very small club. Let me ask you this. Yeah, but if they're coming

to this club to see me, they like dessert. How long is you this thing's like dancing? She was probably out there for I guess about eight years. Were you mad at?

Eight years in the trailer? Oh, no. She just started there. Then she went in buildings that were zoned correctly and everything, you know? She could stretch out, you know? Did you get mad

in all those years? Were you set with her? Let me think, man. We weren't really close growing up. I mean, I actually,

Older than you or younger than you? Younger than me. Okay, yeah, so you were upset. I mean, I was, uh... Well, the crazy part was, honestly, we look alike. So I would see dudes sometimes looking at me, like, weirdly, like, around when I was out at lunch and shit, you know? And they were like, do I know... She got a got a fucking goat tea.

Fucking hilarious. But, uh, but so I guess that if we wouldn't have looked alike, it might have not been so wild to me. But you know what, dude, she didn't have, you know, she was missing some elements growing up. And, you know, I respect any women if they're out there in those type of environments because it's a hard environment. And that, you know, because otherwise, if you're not doing that, what are you doing then, you know? If you're at that doorstep where you are, you know, where you're looking for an occupation, but if you're not doing that, you're probably up to some dark art. You know? Sorry about that

What the fuck, bro? I hear music Yeah That's Joey's ringtone It's like Elvis for the holidays Bro You want some fucking Memphis email list I don't fucking know

What kind of Did you go to that strip club In the trailer? I mean I'd been I'd been over there before But I didn't You know I wouldn't go there

With my sister Well no I would hope not But I can't even Amet Is it just like A like a construction trailer that they just put a little stage in

on a couple folding chairs? I mean, I don't think that they had you know, a long, I don't know what their long term business model was, you know? I mean, I'll say that, but they, you know, it was good. It was a small town place, you know, and people were enjoying themselves. And, uh,

but yeah, I mean, I'll, I love my sister. She's the best. You know, I mean, I would, I mean, she's a fucking G, man. She's a fucking G. You know, she's real as they get. It's crazy because But what were we talking about? What were we talking about?

Squatting the trailer But even got into this conversation No, no, no, it's just weird that Did she ever go to a big city and dance Or that she keeps it like Shreveport? I mean, I think she, you know, nothing real crazy I don't think, I mean, we weren't that close At a lot of that time.

She married now? No, she's not married. Still single? Ready to mingle. Ready to mingle. Ready to mingle. Cool chick, though. Kids? No kids.

Look, she kept it together, man. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. That's hot. Listen, you're 22, right? You're 22. You got nothing going on. I mean, what are your fucking options?

You're going to go work at a vet or a daycare for $8 a hour or whatever. As a young girl, I mean, you know, and I have a daughter. I would it feel if she came to me and said, look, I want to go to fucking college. But I got an answer. I'm going to go strip for five years, for four years. The four years that could have been in college, I'm going to go strip. But you're not that intelligent to grasp it at that time. Right.

Girls that go into that, go into that. And I'm not talking on that line here because they were missing something. Yeah. For the first time, somebody paid attention to them. Yeah. So. Oh, yeah, she was abused. She had like this violent kind of black boyfriend she dated and that abused.

And I think that's what got her into it, you know. It's just, you don't give a fuck about yourself. But think about it. With what you know now. Yeah. The knowledge you have now. You were fucking an 18-year-old chick. Your tits were hot.

You got a nice little ass. All these guys are torturing you all the time. They're fucking broke. You know, I mean, as a woman, you go, you know what? I wasn't raised to do this. Yeah. But it's 2000 fucking 17. Yeah.

I'm going to go to subway and be surrounded by Stiffs or some, you know. Dude's jerking off over there anyway. They caught two dudes jerking off by our subway. Really? Yeah. There was something about it. I think it was just, I don't know, it could have been the air freshener or something. And they used to literally the subway fucking made you feel a wreck, bro.

I think they had one of those lavender air things in the bathroom. And I'm not making fun of subway employees. I always tell me that the fucking, my biggest fear is when you walk into subway, like who I thought I was going to turn out to be? Honest to God. And I didn't want this. You ever going to subway and everybody's 22? But then there's one guy that's 50 with a pony town. That was you?

And he's got an earring and he's still cool. Like he's still fighting the fucking cool. It don't matter that he's. He lives in an apartment where they dudes And when he got home the other night They were listening to Aqualong And it doesn't matter What matters is that he went to see

Guns and Roses You know, two weeks ago Right This is what's going on He's living his life Yeah, he's living his life But he didn't really look at the other part of your life He didn't look at it ladder

When life moves fucking fast And you're still talking about some fucking band When everybody else you're rage Is growing up Is growing the fuck up You know It's kind of a weird I was always scared to be that guy.

That petrified me, Lee. Well, I mean, don't you think it would take, like, a very specific kind of person to be, like, be a stripper and not get affected by it? Because you're talking, like, oh, it would be great. Two out of fucking ten. Right. The percentages.

Two out of ten, if you make an educated guess. Yeah. I went to a strip club a year ago, nine months ago. I get bored. I'm like any other fucking guy. Yeah. I'm home one night. It's 10, 15.

Everybody's fucking sleeping. Yeah. Everybody's asleep in my house at 10-15. Like, out. Yeah, I can't even fucking pudge somebody. I tried to wake my wife up to give me the tin, the pin to iTunes so I could order the fucking phone. She told me to go fuck myself.

You know what I'm saying? Everybody's out in my fucking house at fucking 10-15. Yeah. So I go, let me go to yum yum donuts. Then you're a fat fuck. You're just sitting at a donut stand waiting for the world. By yourself. Yeah, I said, fuck it.

They got a lot of homo trans-dressed item. If you stay on Kofax and go up to, like, victory and make a left, There's a strip club. And I went in there, and I made an opposite of it. You know, you're just sitting there looking at pussy and tits, and it's phenomenal. I'm not going to say that you, I didn't like it, or it was dirty. Yeah. First off, the strip club is always empty.

Yeah. I mean, you can't believe how empty it is, like bone dry, like there's four fucking guys sitting there drinking water because it's new to eat water. Like they're showing photos of people that were in there earlier in the day. That's how I can empty. You missed it. There was four people. on you. And you know, you talk to different girls. There was one girl I talked to her

boyfriend comes to comedy shows. She comes with them all the time. Oh, wow. And there was another girl that her boyfriend was a fucking fan of the podcast. And, you know, you have all these girls that are in there that talk to you. Yeah. And I looked at them and I'm like, look at that girl. She's 18. There was one girl. I was 20.

You know, I'd give her the whole bank account. Yeah. You know, you look at her and go, you give it a whole bank account. Like, listen, just come home with me, go get your clothes. I'm going to throw my wife out when we get home. Yeah, I'm sure, and for some dudes, they would do that. And they would do that. And then you have the girls with a 42, man. Yeah. They're out there banging it. They're eating grapefruit juice and jumping and

fucking, you know, and you got to give them a heart. Like, you sit there and go, I know what she's going through. Yeah. I don't want to pick the 20-year-old because she's going to feel bad. But if I pick the 20-year-old, the 20-year-old will glob all over you and suck your sperm. She doesn't know that there's HIV out there. and clemenia of the mouth and shit. Yeah, she's still thinking she could, you know. Well, the 40-year-old gives you hand wipes

because she knows you're going to finger her and she doesn't want the leftover salt from the pretz or you had two hours earlier. It's just really weird, bro, when you deal with, when they become a professional. Yeah. Like, have you ever bumped into a professional stripper? Yeah.

It's a different game. It's a different game, brother. It's like staying at comedy for a certain period of time. It's like, there's a certain day. Yeah, there's a certain day. When you're like, you realize, oh, Oh, I know what you're doing. And I'm in here.

This is what I'm going to do. And when you deal with a professional stripper, you go in there, dog. She takes you into the first room first. She'll give you a couple whips of her monkey. She won't let you touch it. Then she'll take you upstairs, bang you out for the small four bills. And that's where she becomes a nun. Yeah.

And you're like, what the fuck happens? She sold you. Yeah. She ain't a stripper no more. She's a saleswoman now. Yeah. You want to fucking suck? That's $2,000 for this fucking piece of ass.

Yeah. You want to look at me? $2,000, motherfucker. $2,000, they look at you with a straight friend. You know what? You want to smell my asshole and fucking eat a yogurt at the same time? They're not going to fuck 11 guys no more. That's $3,000.

They're going to fuck fucking six guys for $1,000. Yeah. And make $12,000 a week. So, wait. So I've even thought about it that. If you pay whatever that is $2,500, that's not the whole night. That's like one round, I guess. Oh, you can negotiate whatever they fuck.

you want. Okay, thank God. Dude, what about fucking just somebody regular and tipping them after? Is that crazy you think? Like, if it's just a girl you met? They get insulted. Yeah. I could see you telling the girl, listen, man, I'm going to go out of town on Thursday. I didn't know this was going to happen. Had a great time.

Can you get $200 an hour? I'm going to leave it there for you, for you do your toes. Yeah. Nails and get yourself lunch at your girlfriend, you know? Yeah, that's a way to do it. It's how you fucking do it. You know, it's not making them feel like a fucking hooker. Yeah. But you can't fuck yeah you know it's like right now Harvey Weinstein's getting in trouble for all this shit and and

Yeah, he's a pig, but you got to met this a there's a thousand guys out there I used to date a girl bro. That was a stripper Mm-hmm and after a year or two I accepted what she did and I used to just talk to her sometimes and by talking to her It really showed me how pathetic men were Mm-hmm because not even in my deepest darkest moment would I do something like that? Yeah. You know, yeah, I like fucking getting your dick sucked. Everybody does.

Everybody likes to bump into somebody and let you leave your monkey. Yeah. Fucking leak out on somebody's car seat. Especially as a comedian, but to walk into a strip club right out and this is what they do every week. This is their freak. And I tell people all the time that you're married.

So you have these boundaries. Yeah. And then you present yourself with personal boundaries. And you go, you know what? I got a wife. I got a kid. I got a daughter. I got to go home.

now for fucking hours my wife don't bang me like she used to she don't let me coming a hair no more all those days are done yeah