The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - The Church Of What's Happening Now Live #03

Episode Date: May 31, 2013

Dr. Frank Berdice and comedian Josh Wolf join Joey and Lee for the third live podcast. Recorded live on 05/29/2013

you guys for coming out. This is the third live one we've done. We have two great guests for you tonight. I'm going to bring Joy up. He's going to talk to you for a little bit. So here he is Joey Diaz. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I love it. Thank you very much. You're coming out. It means the world to me. I know it's Wednesday. You guys got shit going on. But we're here tonight, you bad motherfuckers. For a live podcast, the church. We got a great lineup. We got my doctor, Dr. Frank Bredici in the house.

Give him a round of applause. We got my man Josh Wolf in the fucking house. Give him some love. No applause for Josh Wolf. What the fuck is wrong with your people? Now I'm talking. And I said it was just, we'll get ready

for a hot motherfucking weekend. 99 in the fucking valley. If you live in the valley, you're going to break out those fucking hot pants because it'll be hot this weekend. And I got a big channel. This week I'm baptizing the baby. That's always fucked up right there.

That's fucked up. I'm baptizing in church. It's going to be great. But it's been so fucked up to try to get a church. Like in the old days, she just walked into a church. Like my mother,

my mother would celebrate my dad's death every fucking year. She never called the head. The bitch just showed up. They could be doing like a mass for something like kid or something. She didn't give a fuck. She showed up,

she gave the priest $200 cash and a bottle of dewers. You did what the fuck you want. You give the priest a bottle of dewers. You do what the fuck you want in church. Understand me? They don't even tell you.

look, do what the fuck you want. You want to come up and grab the cookie naked, fuck them up. Nobody gives a shit, do your thing. So, we finally got that shit going on. What else is happening? I'm tired, I've been high all fucking weeks. It's got to stop.

It's got to stop. You just eat an edible, and you go into this trance, and then you eat another eddoll. I had to take a nap today. I had to tap out. Like, 5.30. That's when you know it gets you

when you have to take a nap. And you wake up even more fucking high. Like, you wake up, I don't know where the fuck you are. You're like, what happened? There's a cat next to you. Like, whose cat is this? Oh, that's my fucking cat.

But no, no, everything's all right. I'm happy your motherfuckers came out. We get crazy on the podcast, so I'm happy you guys know what the language is. People get pissed at me about the language still. I still get emails. I listen to her at 6th of the morning. You said, fuck 11 times.

Listen, that's what you're supposed to say, fuck early in the morning to get you motivated. You follow me? You have people talk nice to you in the morning. Like, hi, how is your sleep? How the fuck do you sleep? I slept fucking great. I slept.

You've had people to ask your stupid fucking questions in the morning. Like, you know, how was your flight? Oh, it was fucking amazing. It sucked. All right?

How was my flight? I had to stop in L.A., they searched me, you know. Then I had to sit. The flight was fucking delayed. I sat next to some guy eating hummus. Let me tell you something. You eat hummus or McDonald's

on a plane, I'll fucking stab you. And you're lucky. It wasn't like when I would wake up, coked up. You would wake up hungover? You'd smell something. you puke you ever wake up hungover and you're like I hope I don't smell something bad today and you got on a plane also like a family of eight comes on and they're eating like a subway

sandwich and you're fucking ready of barth on McDonald's because McDonald's is great to eat but to smell it when you're not eating it it's fucking horrible it's fucking horrible next time you eat McDonald's eat it enjoy it and let's smell your fucking hand it's like you finger the dead crack hole that's what it smells like you just went up to this dead bitch you know what saying. Speaking of dead bitches, if you want to see a dead bitch, go up to

170. You ever drive on a 170? You're like, man, if I was going to kill somebody, I'd drop him off on a 170. By Sherman Way, I kill like three motherfuckers. I've dropped them off up up there already. You go up to the Sherman Way, look around. There's always like a dead body up there. Look around. Right before

the five starts, it's a beautiful place. Listen, if you're going to kill somebody, just put them there. That's all I'm saying. How about a big round of for the wait staff. Look at these girls laying it down for it. We got a sold-out fucking show. Amanda Burns is coming tonight. We got people coming down here. That dumb bitch threw a bong out the fucking window. You know what I'm saying? Well, the only reason you throw a bong out when it gets too hot. You ever smoke so much the bong gets fucking hot? Let me tell you what I did one time. Other than Colorado had this bong somebody gave me in. In the 80s, like in the early

90s, bongs were like rubber. They were like this rubber. So I got into the thing called bazookas. where you smoke weed but you get the cocaine and put in the microwave oven for 25 seconds and then when it comes up bing every time you hear that bing you fucking lose your mind it's like a fucking boxer so you take it out you put it like in a coffee cup then you take it out and you put it on a piece of paper

and whatever came up you put it in like weed and smoke a joint then you take a lighter and burn the fucking joint the coke mixes into the thing I was crazy but one night I ran out of rolling paper so I used a bong right do you know I melted the fucking bong Like it looked like, remember when the towel went down in the World Trade Center? It just collapsed down and it bent like that.

That's what it looked like. The bong was this big at night when I started. When I woke up the next morning. It was like six inches. Well, it got bong. I was like, it's time to stop. It's time to join a fucking church. This is fucked up. I melted a fucking bong.

You understand me? Nobody melts a bong. Like, I sat there all my cooking and smoking his fucking bong. So it became like a little midget bong. I remember like My girl got it. She's like, what happened to the bung? You don't want to know, all right? I fucking, I fucking melted it.

That's how strong I fucking roll. I'm feeling good, I'm feeling healthy. It's fucked up to be 50. You know, you think like when you hit 40, you're all downhill. Listen, you know what, man? As long as you're fucking in coming, you follow me? Because that's all guys think about it. We don't give a fuck if we're 80s.

Strapped like Hannibal Lecter. Right? Like, if they strap us down but our tongue still works, and our dick still works, we're healthy. That's all We don't give a fuck Like just pick her up And let her land on me

You know what I got this I can do this I did a testosterone shot this morning Put that ass in my face You know what I'm saying He shot the needle Right in my tongue That's all that works

Like I would just have him Shoot testosterone in my fucking tongue That's it I don't give a fuck Once the dick goes Once the dick goes That's it First you lose like the finger

Can you imagine I can't finger somebody no more Or you can't squeeze Like a tit And they got you there Like you just sit but the tongue works. So now you got to overpass the field.

That's pretty fucked up because you always got to grab a pussy before you can lick it. Now you're just got to tell her bring it over here. Put it in my fucking face and shit. We don't give a fuck. We could be 90 and we'll still leave ass and pussy. That's when you know. You ever see as we get older, we get creepier. We really do. As you get older,

you get creepier, but you just don't know it. And you see old people, next time you're at a barbecue and like your father comes or your grandfather bring like a chick with hot pants on that looks really good and watch when he sees him when somebody old sees like a hot chick if they look at them for a minute then they realize

even if I tackle this bitch it ain't gonna work fucking that's all it means getting old and dying is two different fucking things you know like I'm telling you you can have cancer a brain tumor a fucking eye missing a dead foot diabetes

HIV, a cold, you can be laying there all fucked up. People come to see how you feel I feel fucked up but I can still

get a heart on you know what I'm saying? I still got some life left to me. They can't take away everything. They can take away

everything. So just think about that when you end women don't give a fuck. Women get old. I think they don't want to fuck no more I have to see.

Even look at a woman like a grandma you're looking and you're like ah. You look at like an old woman and like nobody's fucking her.

What a shame. And she made a woman. have good pussy left like I'll go to yoga and yoga's at 830 and after and from 10 and after like 10 they have like a class like women that are 55 and over and I look at some of those women like these women still got some pussy left on me you know I'm saying they still got a good stabbing left on them you know like you're at home watching you're hungry and they put that pussy and they may have gray hair on it but you'll tackle that shit you don't give a fuck I'm just saying I'm 50 but some women still look fucking good so they take care of themselves it doesn't mean like they

they call these girls cougars they fucking piss me off these young that fuck young guys and call themselves like a category. That's a whore. A 40-year-old chick that fucks a young guy. That's a molester. That's like a priest. There's no different. Only it's accepted. You know, we love it. When an older chick teaches how to eat ass,

we fucking love it as young guys. When you date an older woman for a while, then it gets old. Then you see him with stockings and their feet look fucked up. They got like that hammer, and you're like, fuck it. She's got good pussy, but the foot scares me. You know what I'm saying?

That's what happens when you're dating an older woman. But anyway, we don't want to talk about that shit. How you doing, Guy, all right? What I'm trying to say is a cougar ain't a chick that's 40. That fucks guys. A cougar is a chick with like a fucked up ailment at 55 that picks up guys. You know what I'm saying? It's like if you see a chick with like a cancer hole in her neck

and she's out there picking up young guys, that's a cougar you want to fuck right there. No, just me? Just me. You're looking at the club and she's got a hole in her neck. You know what I'm saying? She's looking good. She's running command though.

Because sometimes they cover the hole with a curtain. Some nights they say, fuck it. We're just going to go out there and let the pieces fall with him. Trust me, there's a guy out there. Let's say there's 20 guys in here. One guy would look at a woman with a hole in her neck and go, ooh. Ooh.

Ooh. I've been thinking about that for a year. Coming to the stage, my co-host, one of the baddest motherfuckers. Out there. The flooring Jew. Lee, Syed! Thank you guys.

What's up, you bad motherfucker? I don't understand. You want me to take a fart to the face, get pissed on, but an old woman's foot freaks you out. Oh, it's disgusting. A fart to the face and getting pissed on is like a delicacy.

You know what I'm saying? People fucking pay money to get pissed on. And this fucking kid is always busting my balls about it. And I'm not talking about, like, some homeless chick pissing on you. You know, with, like, fucking shelter food piss. and you're in the face like rice errone and shit pissed you know the coloring from rice orone i'm talking about like a decent woman who eats salads and goes to yoga

you know the piss is sweet the piss is sweet it's like it's like it's like fucking uh it's like uh snappel iced tea the it's not diet it's the lemon lime one like that bro he'll call me at work at 10 o'clock at night he's fucked up he's like how about she piss it on you and like a little a little shit in your mouth yeah just a little listen that's what this to be 24. Being 24 doesn't mean you're athletic. It means that you experiment with new things. So let's say somebody takes the shit on your chest. At least you did it. I never had somebody. You know, I was never that fortunate that I could find something to shit on my chest. Just a little shit. Like I wouldn't have, like, I would ask like a skinny

chick at first. I get like the skinniest chick. You know what I'm saying? I take her out for like a sandwich and tell her like to. Just so it's small, like a little turd shit. I wouldn't mind a little turd shit on your chest. What are you talking about? It took you years to go to Jiu-Tit-to because some guy's feet would be in your face. That's a guy's foot. That's not a woman's foot. It's completely fucking different, cock suck. All right.

Right away, you want to call me out on my insecurities. That's not it. So that's our entire podcast. A fart to the face is a fucking sexual endeavor. Like, right now you go to Hong Kong and you can eat a cock. Do you guys know that? There's a restaurant in Hong Kong that specializes in cock, like animal cock, like alligator cock.

I think the most famous, you know, like a fucking foot. Like a cat. cock or something. I'm not kidding you. I wish I was lying to you people. In Hong Kong or somewhere in China, I see it at the Discovery Channel, people go to eat penis. That's a delicacy. Like a parrot's balls

is like the best fucking balls you can eat. So it's like 800 of fucking nut. And people spend 1,600 eat it with a smile on their face because they're going to go home and fuck somebody a debt. Like in their mind they're going to get like, what's the word they use? Verility? Verility, whatever

the fuck it is. With the finger in the ass. does even better benefits. Like, if you ever got a deep finger in your ass right before you fuck, you're in such shock that you don't think about coming and lasting. You're still in shock from the finger at your head. You're not even thinking about it. It's like 20 minutes later,

sperm is coming out of ears and her eyes like the fountain of fucking youth. And she's like, stop, stop! And you're still focused on the finger in the ass. So trust me, I mean, we've got to talk about this shit. It's important. But not on Wednesday night, dog. I know, right?

I don't know about shit in somebody's chest. That's disgusting. It's Wednesday. Gotta ease it up a little bit. You got to piss on him with the shower running, you know. I mean, this guy thinks something like a fucking animal. You know, he doesn't understand

that there's a patois of this. You just can't go up to them and fucking, you know. Anyway, I got no time for fucking this. What else, what are you having to do? You don't want anything to do? We got 90 minutes, and you want to talk about me farting and you fail. Some chick.

I've been trying to get him a chick to farting. Just because what you want to... Nothing happens until you go out of your comfort zone. I say this over and over again. Lee wants casual sex, like he wants to fuck, suck, and eat pussy, and that's it. He don't want to stick a finger in the chick's ass. He don't want to take a fart. He don't want to get pissed in the mouth.

These are things that you do to grow. No, you don't? You do this to grow as an individual. This might not be for you. Listen, I ended up at that fucking, at that disgusting club one time to get cocaine in New York where people were pissing on each other. And fetishes, ramrods. I wouldn't go there on a weekly.

It's not like I had a ramrod fucking card. But once I went, I see the guy getting pissed on, you're like, wow, they piss on people in this fucking bar. They also put, like, staples on people's tities. They did weird stuff to people. I wasn't into it, but at least I went. Did I experience it? Not really.

I just peed on a guy. Bro, he wanted people to pee on them. You know, again, you're walking by, minding your own fucking business. It's a beautiful day to be alive. And there's a guy with a sign that says, pee on me, right? And you got 20 minutes to the bus gets there, right? You're going to sit there and go,

should I pee on this motherfucker? Every guy in this room is going to sit there and go, I've never peed on a guy before. It may be gay, but if they do it a certain way, it's not gay. You know what I'm saying? Like, if you pee are like you eating like a Carl's Juni Burger, like then you're fucking gay. But if you're peeing on them, like holding your cock like you're angry,

like fuck you, fuck you, cock, I'm drinking, bitch. Then you're not gay. You're a fucking, you know, homo sapien. You hate gay people. Whatever the fuck it is. This is Joey after one drink. This is Joey after three drinks, bitch.

Three? All right. This is Joey after I ate a Cheebo Chew at 11 o'clock. Which hit me at like 1 o'clock. You get so high in an edible, you got a headache. Like, I can smoke gasoline. It was like, that's how high I was talking to this guy. Then I went home, and I stopped at Divine Wellness,

Listen, I got like an anti-Dolores brownie treat that was 120 milligrams, and I popped that because I had to prepare for your people. Listen, the Yankees go to spring training. You follow me? That's what I did this afternoon. I want the spring training to be ready for your people this afternoon. I'm like, I'm not like some people that fucking don't want to get ready for the people who come up here on Wednesday night. You motherfucker's got to get up tomorrow and go to work. So I got to sacrifice a little bit for you.

I got to show you I'm on your side, too, you know what I'm saying? So you're the Yankees of weed smokers? No, what I'm saying is who's got the edibles? Can they bring a cookie for Lee? That's making me a fucking pot cookie or a fucking, give him an edible right now.

Fuck this motherfucker up right now. We got an, I got an ambulance on speed down. I got an ambulance on speed down. Give him a fucking edible. Fuck this motherfucker up. And that's all I'm trying to do, people.

When you hear the podcast and I go off on Lee, I go off on Lee because he needs somebody go off on him. He needs somebody go off on him. His mommy comes, takes him out for cheeseburgers and shit.

You know what I'm saying? Once a year my mom comes to do. Stop. You gotta fuck up the podcast. We had to wait until 7 o'clock to do it because you gotta drive it to the airport, cock sucker. You put your mother on an airport like everybody else.

You understand? You put that bitch on there with 15 fucking people who stick in the morning with bad breath. You ever get an airport in the morning? It's like a festival of bad breath. It's so fucking bad to fly because you sit on a van

that smells like bad breath. Then you get to the airport, you check in and you go to the men's bathroom. You go to the men's fucking bathroom at the airport 8 in the morning. It smells like a festival of shit in there. It's like a tornado of farts that just goes to the bathroom. You're trying to piss.

You can't even breathe because it's fucking up the little hairs in your lungs. You can feel them. You're in there and going, ah, ah, and this little tornado of shit. So how do we get on this shit, mate? I have no idea. I'm going to bring up the first guest. He's my main man. He's my doctor.

Let's give me some love, Mr. Frank Berdici and shit. There is you. I think he's outside. I'll go get him. He might have fucking left and shit like that. He might have said fucking. Go get them. Yeah, we gotta get an edible for this guy to get him started, you know what I'm saying?

Dr. Frank, the man in the hour. Get him up here. Yes, sir. Josh and I are up there. Oh, no, nothing wrong. We have to run outside. Nothing wrong with that, nothing wrong with that. Give it up for my doctor, Dr. Frank, coming down here tonight.

You got older this one? Yeah. Before we get started, Doc, how old are you? Truth? The truth. These are all young kids. Who gives a fuck? Sixty-four.

Drugs. Chemistry. Chemistry and drugs, people. Give us a background, Doc. Just let these motherfuckers know what's going on. Penn State, the hammers. What do you mean? No, not the fucking song, you know.

The resume. I grew up in Connecticut. In inner city. Talking to the mic, you know, Catholic schools like you. All right. Nuns, priests, you know, family, all the kids hung out together. You know, high school, college, play football, Penn State. I had a minor problem with seven concussions in one year.

Did you play for paterno? Yeah. Oh, shit. How was that? I didn't say I played with. No, before paterno. How was it? It's great.

He's a great coach. That's awesome. It was different. And, you know, Sandusky wasn't around then. Actually, he would have never existed around them. You don't think so? No, not a chance. What do you think has changed?

I think more people don't really kind of step in much anymore, because for sure somebody would have decked him, for sure. Somebody would have, actually a coach would have done it, not even, but the players would have been on them too. I didn't mean to interrupt, but Paterno is fucking crazy. That's not. That's nuts. No, I mean, Paterno got old.

Yeah, that's true. He just got too old. He shouldn't have been coaching. So continue, sorry. You really think that that was 30 years ago? That thing with Sandusky wouldn't have? Yeah. We'll go with the 40 years.

40 years ago. I remember situations growing up that were, could have gone in that direction, and somebody did something about it. Pretty fast. It was pretty funny. I think I was having a conversation with Lee today. Was it today with you about I never got molested?

Oh, yeah, yeah. No, no, no. And you think about this shit, you know, you think about, you know, maybe you're an ugly kid. You know, there's a lot of, there's a lot of options here, but you think about it, you know. And I think about it like my mother. My mother was such a powerhouse.

Like she wouldn't let people touch my face. She always stress it. Don't let somebody touch your face. And she would always put jewelry on me. When I lived on 88th Street, in the 70s, she put gawky jewelry on me, gold. And she'd say, don't touch it. I think she'd put it on me for me to acknowledge it,

that not to let me touch. So I had this body language. And only one person, only one time I was playing basketball in the winter, and there was no buses in Jersey City. and I got in the car and the guy, I had a basketball and he hit the basketball, he goes, that's a great ball you have. And that's the only time ever.

And it's weird. Like you think about now people come out and go, I got molested. It was a different time then. Well, I think, like, molestation probably didn't happen, but weird behavior pretty much was tolerated. I mean, didn't you have relatives that did, like, weird things that nobody really...

All right, so I had a cousin. The second cousin, he was an unbelievable baker. He had this very successful baker. but he would do this. Anytime he spoke to any individual, he'd go, so how you doing? And he'd put his finger in your ear. And he'd just be in there going like this.

So how's everything? How you doing? Now, I used to slap him. Okay. Joe, listen, I would slap his hand away. Nobody else. I was like six years old I'd slap. My grandmother would be there, and he'd be going,

So I'm naughty. And he'd have his finger. Now, if you try to pull your hand. head away he got you with both fingers like this nobody said shit nobody said one thing ever ever ever for like 30 years he was doing that I had a teacher in high school that took us to different basketball games and he played basketball with us and now thinking about it like he had the crew cut he wore like the black sock with the sneakers you know those teachers that came we'd elbow him and shit he'd drive us to the rucker league in New York and now I think back that maybe this guy was a

molester. So whenever I see my friends that I hung out with Mr. Kay, I ask him, Mr. Kevin molest you. And it was so weird, you never molested nobody. So it was kind of weird, like the people I thought would molest you. And it's sexual harassment now, correct? Like they call... Sexual harassment, yeah. Like, you can't talk about crazy shit in the classroom. When I was in the eighth grade, we had a mayor, a we hawking was our eighth grade teacher. His name is Wally Lindley. And every mayor has a guy that does his dirty work and a guy that does his clean work. And the guy did his dirty work was Todd whatever.

He had a wig. That's how I remember him. He had a really bad wig in the 70s. And he'd take us to New York to watch basketball games. And he told me one time, like four of us, on the ride home, because if you guys have a winning season, I'm going to get your dick sucked and laid. And when you're 13, you can't wait to get your dick sucked,

and you can't wait to get laid. You know what I'm saying? Unfortunately, it was him. No, no, no. And he, this guy stuck to his fucking word. He shows up like two weeks after we graduate eighth grade with this dirty old woman. We're like 14, 15.

This chick had to be 61. She was a playmate in like 1949. She was all fucked up, like all fucked up. She's drunk. He's like, come here, guys, circle around. He's like, who wants to fuck the first? The back seat. And we're all looking at each other.

Like, I don't know. I got to go home. People are like, I'm... That feels like. That's weird behavior. I'll throw you in fucking jail now if you're an eighth grade coach and try to give you a little nookie cookie. Different time.

It's a fucking different time. You were talking about like wigs. So I get back, I was in the Olympics, I hurt my back, I come back to this town of Waterbury, Connecticut and I opened this gym with this guy named Chippy Manson, his father with the local mafia boss. we put the gym on the ground floor and up above was the Favall Generali Italian-American club with all these guys. We didn't even put a lock on the door.

A lock the door? Nobody bother anything, right? But one of the guys that came there was this guy, Artie Misterich, was bald, but he wore four different wings, different necks. One was just one that looks like it lands on your head, that's, you know, that's horrible. The second one was like a kind of a beetle wig. That was worse. But then he had this one that was like an Elvis.

That one wasn't so bad. But the one he looked the best in was, you know, like an Indian wig with the headband. So he started wearing that all the time. But it got like really ratty and it was like cut it. So it would be completely uneven in the back. He cut hair, cut there, cut hair, cut there. He was the guy, I think I told you the story that he,

he was really cheap. He lived with his mother. He lived with his mother. And he didn't have any wheels, so he bought this Ford, a condoline van. And he goes, I'm going to get it running. So he gets it running. And the gym was on the ground, like down at the bottom of the hill. And I'm halfway up the hill going to get a sandwich, and I see his van coming.

And I go, you know, you got that thing running unbelievable. I can't even hear it. You know why? Didn't start it. And how much was gas back then? Like 25 cents? And he was so freaking cheap that he did not put. He didn't start it up.

So he gets down the bottom of the hill. I said, all right, you're joining great. He goes, well, he didn't start it yet. Then, you had to have bumpers, right? You have to have bumpers. So he gets pulled over by the police, he has no bumpers. He cut two tree limbs down,

took the bark off, drilled holes, and that was the front and rear bumper. Swarty, I swear, I already muster it. You grew up with some fucking weird people. No, you really do. You live, like today I was thinking about Cathy Ortiz. This girl living next door to me. Cute girl was a Jehovah Witness.

She wouldn't stand up for the fucking national anthem in the morning. And you never seen a girl get more bullied than that. Like, everybody's complaining about getting bullied. This fucking girl would not get up in Jersey. And she was Spanish. You want to talk about fucking balls. So you can't, I guess during the national anthem, you can't salute the flag. They would throw everything at this girl, papers, bricks.

And it was like, what are we going to throw at Kathy today? Like, that's what they're, like, they would throw birds out of dead fucking animals. Hubba-bubba, we chew hubba-bubba. Like a whole fucking piece of Hubbub and whip it at this bitch. She never cried once. She never tapped out. She never talked about getting bullied. She didn't hang herself.

People were fucking different then. Speaking of Wigs, who watched the fucking Sanatah, the Liberace show the other night? Was that fucking creepy? How fucking creepy was that? And there's people like that in Hollywood. They'll suck your dick. And then they want you to turn it into plastic surgery and look like them and shit.

That is fun. And you know what's crazy? Like, now, and I don't mean to insult nobody. There's two generations in this country. There's the gay generation, there's the faggots. Me and Frank, we grew up with faggots. They're old gay guys that you're going to suck their dick. They're going to find a way.

And not by, they don't even touch you or give you a fucking sleeping pill or one of those roofies. They just look you in the eye and tell you, you're going to suck my dick. And then they got the gay guys, and they're just gay to go out in bowling, Hollywood, and oh, my God, and they do all this shit. You think Liberacee did it?

Oh, my God. Liberace would just look at you, motherfuckerucker, and invite you over here. You want to hear me play the piano? When Liberace played the piano from you were going to suck his dick. That meant it was stage four cancer. You're going down, bitch. You're going to...

You're at the stage four of cock sucking. You didn't want to do it, but it's too late now. They got you at the compound. You know what I'm saying? It's over. You ever run into a creepy guy like that, a gay guy in Hollywood, anybody, Lee, anybody? No.

The creepiest thing I have is you telling girls the shit in my face. How about you, Doc? I know you... You mean in Hollywood? In Hollywood. Like, Hollywood is so fucking crazy. When you watch Liberia...

You're thinking to yourself, I can see somebody who makes a million dollars a fucking month. Can you imagine you made a million dollars a month? How would you fucking act? How would the fuck would you act? You see a girl you want. You just go up to it.

There's no feelings involved. I'm just going up to listen. I'm going to suck your pussy threat. No, you're not. Yes, I am. Yes, I fucking am. How do I know? Watch this. The Bentley pulls up with a black guy. He gets out. Get in the car. We'll put you in the trunk. You got to have your

trunk. I know all the cops in Pasadena. This could be hard or this could be easy. You know what I'm saying? I'll tell you. Either you can suck my dick legitimately or you're going to wake up in your in Dexter's living room. You know, wake up? You're wrapped up and shit. They got syringe in your neck. You're going down, motherfucker. But you didn't know that when you were back east.

About what? No, Hollywood is just different. When you first came to Hollywood, you got, it was freaked out, right? Well, no, no. Before I left, in 84, I had a teacher, and his name was George McGrath, and he smoked camel cigarettes, the ones without filters, so his fucking sick, his face was orange. His fingers were orange from the nicotine,

and his job was, he was a white guy, and his job was to bring Coke to expend. people at night. You know, it's not a Puerto Rican show him up. What's up, dog? Yo man, hurry up. No. This guy shut up with a fucking tuxedo. You know, he was a salesman. And he brought me to some people's house when I had Paris blues. That was the equivalent to a quailout in the 70s. And it was like a bunch of gay guys, like, LeColibarach, like 10 of them. You know, like I blacked the fuck out. I had to get the hell out of that. But once they get into that clientele, they get crazy. It's like anybody else. If I give

a normal guy a million dollars a month to spend, like that guy. and boogie nights that had the Chinese guy lighting firecrackers from. I would definitely have that guy at my house. Right or wrong. What do you need to now? What do you need? 30,000 a year, you like firecrackers, 8 to 5. There's some overtime involved. I'll get your dental. I can't get your health in physical. I'll get your dental. You get fucking creepy. So can you imagine being a gay guy and getting that fucking creepy? He had wigs. He would buy your jewelry. He would buy your own house in Palm Springs and just keep you there.

That's a fucking party, dog. You didn't have that back in New Jersey? No, I didn't have it like that. You know, I never met. I met gay guys that would walk around with rogues. Listen, when you're a man and you walk around with a robe, that means everybody's sucking your dick. Okay, if you walk around with a robe all day and slippers,

what do you give a fuck? That means that people come on with you, like, you're sucking my dick, no I'm not. You just show them your bank deposit. You see that? You're sucking my dick, you understand. Yes, that's 19 zeros. You're sucking it.

And you're sucking it good with both hands. You're going to squeeze the balls. Hong Kong. You're doing the whole fucking thing. When you first came to see me, you came in for a certain thing. Right. Some hormone replacement. Right.

We can talk about that. Yes, absolutely. Come to the scene for hormone replacement. Good candidate, great. Everything feels great. And then he heard his calf. And I said, you want me to check there for you? He goes, no, no, I got somebody doing it.

Hobbles in another. No, no, I got somebody doing it. Then my receptionist. buzzes me and go what's wrong with Joey Diaz? I go what's matter? He's on the phone, he's looking for a chiropractor. I go, huh? You see me for six months? You don't know I do that?

Six months. He's like hobbling around and then he goes, oh, you do that? I didn't know he was a chiropractor. It's right in the door. I knew there was a chiropractor there somewhere close by. With my name. I didn't know you were the chiropractor.

You know, when you were the fucking doctor now, when you were a kid, there was one fucking doctor, in the office one fucking guy and there was sex secretaries all dressed nice and you went into a room and a doctor came and he checked your balls and they fucking left now things are rough so they mix and match it's like it's like m m mhm you know what I'm saying just don't go to a karate school no more they got karate yoga and fucking so when you go dr. bradice's always got the acupuncture you got the Chinese guy Jimmy Lou you got the fucking acupuncture you got the other guy that does the bones and the hurt and you got the doctor I knew somebody was a fucking acupuncture you got the fucking acupuncture you got the other guy that does the bones and the hurt and you got the doctor I knew somebody was a fucking Chiropractic. You're so high by the time you leave the house, you're not reading anything. When I go, listen, on Wednesdays, I got to be careful.

That's why I don't eat an edible before I go see Dr. Padici, because I got a needle in my ass, and that's the worst. Like, I got last year, I got a needle in my ass, and I almost fainted. Today I almost fainted. Today I almost fainted. I didn't do it. No, you didn't do it. And the guy's great.

It was just that it stung, and it stung for a while, and I stopped breathing. Once I stopped breathing, you give me the needle, that's when I start seeing spots and show. Well, you are the only person that lays down with their headphones on to get a needle. Because I don't want to hear the rapper. You know what I'm saying? Because they come in and break the rapper.

I don't want to hear none of that shit. That's what gets me all fired up and all hard. The best is when I get there, they walk around with the needle in their hands. You're showing it to you. And I got to make believe. Like, I'm not looking at that. And they're all talking to me. Like, how are you?

It's like a fucking cigarette. And I'm like, stop with that fucking needle in my hand. You know, I was... Tell the truth. When I come in, I hide it. You don't even see it. No, I don't even see it. I got it plumbed over here.

It's out of the rapper, and it's boom, and it's done, right? Done. He's the best. What do you listen to? Santana, Oye, Comova. That's the shit. Listen, if you got to get blood taken, there's two jams. There's three.

There's two and a half with an honorable mention. There's Santana Oye Comova. There's the foo fighters, best of you and the fucking honorable mention out in John, Benny and the motherfucking Jets, you know what I'm saying? God damn! Because

when you're starting to faint, you're thinking of him, he's taking it in the ass, you just got a needle. And he's like, Buh, Buh, Bennie! Bennie! B B Bennie! B Bany! B Bany! You're like, fuck it, this guy's a soldier. You know what I'm saying? Let me just...

I'm very... I trust him with all my heart. The first time I walked in there, he talked to me about the possibility of a needle. I called him no. But once I get a trust for you, I'll let you do whatever the fuck in the world to me. You follow? I'm that type of guy with my doctors, and that's why I continue. I go to acupuncture every Tuesday at 1.30. I don't give a fuck what you have going on. Unless you're paying me, I go to acupuncture, because it's a fear I'm overcoming. And every once in a while, I almost faint when I get myself out of it. But I got to tell you the follow-up story, because I don't want you guys to think I'm just a fucking retard here, which I am. When I was a kid, I had this doctor that came over. His name was Orlando Del Valle.

All right, this was 71, 72. This is when doctors make house calls for 35 bucks, and before they left, they gave you a prescription, and they left you a needle and a thing of penicillin. Okay? Okay, so your mom could shoot you. Hey, listen, you don't have to come down tomorrow. This is easy.

Just draw it and stick it anywhere. Just stick it in this fucking eye. I don't give a fuck. All right, his name is a Cuban doctor, Orlando Novaya, and he would come over, and my mother and my stepfather would be home. My mother used to bumps. She'd do a couple bumps of coke. This is the 70s on 88th Street.

So De Valle would come in, he'd come into the room, and he'd go, what's the matter with you? And I'd say, I'm sick. And he'd go, yeah, you need a needle. But De Vali would love when I would go, let me think about it. Because then he'd go out to the liminal with my mother and do a couple bumps.

And drink, on a house call. I wish I was lying to you, motherfuckers. So 30 minutes later, he'd walk in. How do you sit, Jose Antonio? And I didn't know. And he'd be like, well, what do you get to do? I said, no, and I cried, and they'd have to hold me down.

My mother would give me a beating. And then he'd shoot me and have a bruise on my ass for a week. And then he'd leave my mother a syringe. One time my mother shot me in a fucking restaurant. At a restaurant, I wouldn't drink milk. She poured the milk on my head with the ice cream. And then she's like, oh, you're sick. Get in the fucking bathroom.

I remember choking in the fucking bathroom. Because she's like, bend over. I'll fucking stick it in your stomach. I don't give a fuck. And I remember I had a neat, I had a purple thing on my ass for a week. So after my mom died, I made a thing. I ain't never getting a needle. Again, look at it.

I used to taking my own teeth out with a fucking wrench. I'm one of those sick fucks. So you don't know how much I love, your friend. You have no fucking idea that I go every Tuesday, every Wednesday religiously, 10.30. And I used to dread it. Now it's just the part of the day for me. I go in there, and this is what I stress in this podcast, to overcome your fucking fears because you're not really living.

You're not fucking living. I don't want to jump out of a helicopter. The most important fear to me was a fucking needle. Because, dog, I love Lee. I love Frank. If right now we were fucking around here and Frank got up or Lee and he cut their hand on this, I would fucking faint. Especially if I like you.

Especially if I care for you. So I don't want you guys to say, well, Joey's a half a fag. No. There's background to this. There's therapeutic. A cocaine doctor used to shoot me. You follow me? And then I got prescription.

As I got older, he was my family doctor. And when I turned 15, he used to say to me, can you get me cocaine? And I'd say, absolutely. So I would trade him coke for steroids, for Atavar, for my buddies. But he had a son. It was the 80s, and he had a son that was gay and got caught up in drugs, and he was stealing the prescriptions, and he lost his license.

But guess what, motherfuckers? He's in Miami. He's 80 years old. And I still call him once a month out of respect for all the shit he put up with me for. You follow me? That's how I roll. Because he used to put up. And when I call him still, he still goes,

Jose Antonio, how much da? So, because he used to put up with a lot of my shit for years, man. So I love you, Doc. And no more 10-minute prostate exams, though. Oh. Wait, you give him a prostate exam? No, I don't. His fucking fucking.

No, I got to figure. No, there was no machine. This guy had a finger. That motherfucker stuck two fingers in my ear and blocked me against the wall. Listen, some of them, there's two ways of fucking. Sometimes you pick up their legs and you go like this, right? Let me show this side.

You pick up their legs? But sometimes you're high on coke, you're drunk and you get evil. And you don't want to fuck it. You want to, like, destroy the pussy. You want to condemn it. You want to do it. You want to paint it red like Clint Eastwood and the good to bad the other. So you fuck it with anger.

You like, crush the pussy. You're like, You're You've mangled up. You got top control. You're inside control. And you're trying to put their weight on me. You do that evil shit.

This is what this doctor did to me. A finger in the ass is a glove and they put a finger in the ass and they go, everything's okay. This motherfucker put the finger in. And then as I was like this, he caught in me. He was like, all right, I got to put it all the way.

And he stuck and he put his weight on me and shit. And I was... But what really pissed me off about the whole meeting was I had toilet paper on my dick, right? Because I'm uncircised, and I went to pee, and I wanted to clean off the pee, because he made me pee in a cup. See, I thought you were going to send me to your buddy who was just going to look at me and go,

you know, like when you go for a weed license, I got anxiety, I see Puerto Ricans at night. Right? And the medical marijuana doctor look at you and go, okay, you're eligible. Well, this motherfucker. You know what I'm saying? Right?

You go to medical marijuana. You can tell them anything, dog. Bro, I get flashbacks of Vietnam. Okay. Okay, let me take your blood pressure. He's not even taking your blood pressure. Duh, than, thaw. Well, I went to see this.

I thought it was the same thing, so I washed. I took a shower and everything. I was prepared, but I didn't have underwear on. They always take all to get underwear on. I don't go wear underwear to see you because you're going to shoot me in the ass. I don't give a fuck. I got a pimple on my ass, too.

I was lucky. He didn't come out to that. I had like a boil on my ass. I had half my wife pop it last night because I always make a check my ass before I go to the doctor. You don't want to walk in there with a pimple on your ass,

like a white head. You don't go to a strip club and the stripper got a white head on her ass and you can't focus? I love it. I love it. You can't focus. You're like, I'll give her a dollar

when I want to pop that pimple because it's one of those tight white heads that you know who's going to go pop and your finger's going to have like that here. So I don't want to go to doctor's office of the white head on my ass so every Wednesday I tell my wife, check my ass.

Make sure I got no... You didn't have a good meeting with Adam? Huh? When you... Adam, he didn't have a good meeting. I had a great... He was a great doctor. I thought you would enjoy that.

No, he was a great doctor, but the way he fingered me was... It was fucking brutal. Like, it was brutal. It hurt me. Like, he fingered me hard. Then he courted me. And he stuck it in and felt around to make sure. I mean, he did a good exam.

You know, I mean, that's what you're looking for. I was fucked. My ass was fucked up for like four days. I got... But you made another appointment for this. week why no I didn't make another point I don't want to see that motherfucker ever again and you got to go you got the is the sad thing is you really got to go every six months right doc yeah once a year yeah after 50 yeah because that

there's a test called a PSA and it's not that accurate so you really need that yeah so every six months for health matters doc so if you're if you're taking hormone replacement you really want to do it every six months and doc how long should you stay on hormone replacement forever till somebody thinks of something better. Right now, you know, you're on it. You know, you need it, you need it. You know, something will come along

and it'll take its place, but right now, if you're low in testosterone, as a male, you need to take testosterone. I've got 30-year-old guys coming in now that are low in testosterone. Not like us, you know, we're old. We don't really need it, we just take it. You know, you're 64, you look like a million bucks.

There's a lot of half people here at 30. What advice do you have for them? Because, hey, listen, you get to do plastic, you do all this shit, or you could just be young. You know, you could just be the fuck young. I'm 50, but I'm young. This kid keeps me young. You motherfuckers keep me young, you know.

But what's the best advice you have for somebody who's 30, 40, dog? Attitude. You have a good attitude. And you have to have moderation. Anybody that says, I don't ever do that, there's going to be a problem, right? Somebody goes, I fucking do that all the time. That's a problem.

So you can't get like blasted every single day. And it's moderation. Everything is, see, when we grew up, when I grew up, TV was only on at night because there was only three stations and they only really ran at night. Remember these turn off at one? Tell these motherfuckers what happened at 10 to 1. You heard the National Anthem.

The National Anthem on the 3. One in the fucking morning. There's only three networks, ABC, NBC, and CBS. That's it. And then it's off. And this test thing came on. It looked like a star. It was on, and then it came back on.

at the clock in the morning. I get up at 3 in the morning with my daughter fucking SpongeBob Squarepants is fucking on and Dora the fucking Explorer on the other channel. I mean, it's amazing. You know, when I was growing up,

you get up at fucking one, nothing. You just sat there. Sat there, and the TV goes, nothing. It's fucking amazing. Doc. No, it's great to be,

I mean, it's great to be young now. It's just we had more opportunity to interact with people. There's less interaction now, right? You're texting. I mean, I got emergency room, doctors, okay, patients in the air, they're texting me. I've got to text them back.

It wouldn't be nice to like talk to them? Your patient is running, you know, bleeding out of his, well, text. I got to read the text. So everybody texts now. Nobody interacts, right? So it's less personal. But I had to learn to text because my daughter used to text me, and I text her back, call me. She never called. So. I still can't.

I call people back when they text me. when they text me. If they fucking matter and I get it, because a lot of times I don't see it. But they don't pick up. Then they don't pick up. The guy just called me. Where is he? Only in LA do people not pick up. No, they text you? And they call you eight hours later. You call me eight hours ago, cocksucker. I just checked my messages. Right. Eight hours. I won't leave a message. I just, but the new phone, you can tell somebody he fucking calls you. So you call somebody, they call somebody and they call you back. They call you back eight hours later. What's up? I don't have

fuck on the clue. I called you a 10-01 at 615. That's a thousand mind fucks ago. I could have called you about a movie. I could have called you about a cheeseburger. I could have called you by anything. Where's my man, Josh Boeuf? Where is he?

I'll go get him. He's coming. Let's get this bad motherfucker up here too. Coming to the stage, my little brother, Josh Wolfe. Get him up here too. I didn't know. Josh is from Boston. Yeah, you didn't know that? Texas, then Seattle. He's all over the place.

All over the place. You got it when you do comedy. We're talking about raising children. Okay. He's pretty strict. I heard you talk about your fear of needles. Did you talk about how scared you are of blood, too? What a pussy. I mean, he's not exaggerating.

A drop of blood. If you had a drop of blood right here, he would pass the fuck out. He would pass out. He would pass out. I fainted out. a UFC out of UFC when they picked up the towel when I saw a blood on the towel and then I fainted when a BJ Penn

fought Joe Lozahn until he broke his fucking head I fainted on the couch I woke up like at 4 in the morning what the fuck you know I will faint at the drop of a hat if I let it take me it's a process it takes you you know if I'm from A to B if I

realize it and I start breathing, then I bang it out. Like, I've had an ear infection lately from flying. Oh, and when I go to the gym, I can't hear myself breathing. You want to talk about fucking anxiety? Those pictures you put on Twitter. Have you guys seen

the pictures of him high on the airplane? With the fucking camera this far away from his face. The first thing I think is, how fucking high does he look? And the second thing I look is, man, who are the fuck is sitting next to him.

Because if he sat down next to me looking like he looked when he's high, I'd be like sweating like he does. I'd be like, this guy is going to fucking die. He's going to die on the plane next to me. He's going to die. Did he tell you about his trip to Miami? Did he tell you about the plane right to Miami? I'd take my shirt off in first class. No, you did not.

No, you did not. Yes, I did. It's first class. Next to a gay guy with those goggles on. Yeah. I was sleeping like, oh my God. Why did you take your first? I was so fucking high, Josh. It was pathetic. And I ate like two jolly ranchers

And I drank, have you seen the water? No. Have you guys seen the fucking vitamin water now? Wait, there's weed water? Weed vitamin water now. Oh, shit. So I drank the vitamin water And I got on the 405 South about

10 o'clock at night, which there's nobody on there. Listen, when you're high, you want traffic because you do 10 miles an hour, you follow me? When you get on there at 930, there's not a car on there, and you're in the HOV doing 80. and you're just like, do I, I kept in, do I fit between these lines? I have a fucking Subaru and I'm like, do I fit between these lines? And I get to the Delta place, I check in, everything's fine.

Delta is racist. I never say this about anybody, but I don't care if you're racist, I usually like you. They're fucking racist. And they're anti-fucking spick because if you fly to Miami or South America, they don't let you fly out of Terminal 5. They make you walk out of Terminal 6 and it gets all yellow. And they have like parrots and you hear Spanish music and shit. And that's when the THC started hitting me.

Like, they had coconut water for sale and shit. I'm like, and I get on the fucking plane, and everything's all right. And all of a sudden I think I sat over the engine, and it was hotter than fuck. And I just started sweating, guys. And you know, like, all this over here started sweating, like, from everywhere.

I can feel the beads coming up on my head. 20 minutes in, and it's an hour, and I'm still sweating. By 2 in the morning, the flight was a red eye. It left at 11, 10. By two in the morning I was just sweating The shirt was drenched The back was dry I couldn't even sound like leather

Because the shirt was so wet So I said fuck it I just took the shirt off And put the blanket up to my stomach Like a Like a fucking Samoan in first class And the lady would walk by And she'd go hi

Oh my God And she just kept giving me water That's how much I was sweating I got off the plane in Miami at five. I was that early. You gotta get luggage. And I called the ride to come get you. As I walked to fucking outside, something made me

get like something on my pocket. I had two inches of sweat around my jeans. That's how much fucking I sweat that night. I was dehydrated on that fucking plane. The T.H. He killed me. And I swore I would never eat another edible again, but and I went to sleep and woke up, and there I was.

You know, so. On a flight, I fly. I fly. every weekend now for stand-up. And I fart a lot on planes for whatever reason. Planes, for whatever reason. As soon as I sit on a plane, I'm like, I got to fart, right? And

so a couple weeks ago, I was doing a heavy protein, and I was basically farting death. It was like, you know that smell of death? It was like that smell was coming out of my asshole, right? So when you eat sushi, the shit goes away, but the

root of the fucking nastiness, it stays in it. It's farts where you like, you almost apologize to the person you're sitting next to you. Like, I'm really sorry about that. You know what I mean? Like, I thought I was going to have to refund some people's tickets. I'm like, you're going to need a ticket. And, ma'am, I don't know what happened to your makeup,

but you're going to need a ticket. Like, I was fucking slow. It's a red eye. And, you know, you can fart on a plane without anybody knowing you're farting because you just push it into the cushion. You know what I mean? And the cushion is like a fart purse. It holds all your farts for you until you want to let them go.

You just got to let them. It holds them for you until you want to share them with your friends, right? So I was killing this plane, guys. Fucking killing this plane. And I felt bad for everybody. And it was a red eye. So people were either asleep or fucking knocked out. I don't know what it was.

But they were, until the guy in front of me does this, right? I didn't realize how much I was killing the plane. The guy must have had enough. The guy in front of me goes like this. He said the thing. The best line I've ever heard. He goes, public plane! Guys, I was fucking.

dying, dying! So all I could think of to do was this. Yeah! I was wrecking that plane. I really thought it was going to be like, when that plane landed in JFK, I thought it was going to be like a JJ Abrams pilot, you know, like a TV show, like the plane lands,

and then people get on the plane, but everybody's dead and the oxygen tanks are down. I thought it was going to be a death flight. I had the best, because I was a fat fuck, but I would eat weight protein. Somebody would give me those bars. The best person to fart next is Joe Rogan, hands down if you're going to fight.

Because he gets on a plane and he has got that sleep disorder where he just falls asleep. Like Joe gets on a plane, puts his shit away. And then he's looking out the window, and all of a sudden it's like... And that's when I go to work. That's when I do my best.

Once you fall asleep, with that mouth open, and I don't fart into the cushion. I position my asshole. So it bounces off the cushion and goes up. And I took two years of geometry, so I don't know angles. You know what I'm saying? I know backboards and shit.

Like, if I'm on here with Bredici, I would never do this. It's amateur shit. That's Puerto Rican shit. You got a shit like this, like a rectangle, see? So the fart can't go nowhere. I got the fart inside control. It ain't going nowhere. The fart's got to go this way.

It blasts off the seat. Some particles go straight. but for the most part I'll surround this guy with them and I'll never forget he was passed out and he would just do this and go then about 10 minutes later the farting on that fight was so good he wrote a blog about it

and they got like 2 million hits about him waking up and Antonio Bandaris was helping these blind kids learn out of dance and I'm blasted there's nothing better than farting and get like I had a bad attack I didn't shift for like a week and got on the plane to Houston one time and I was killing this plane to the point

where when I got off people going thank God that fucking flight man Jesus ain't couldn't take it no more oh my God and as a human being like if you're normal like you people, nice people you feel bad about it like oh my God I'll never eat cream cheese again

a pig like me once you react to my fart like once I see this shit or this shit that just or this here I love it when they do this yeah when they do this shit Because my farts are hot. The cabin will get 10% hotter. People start sweating and shit.

So, I mean, I love it. But the best was I got the luggage. And at the luggage, people were still like, like they were still fucked up. And that luggage, I blasted another one, right? And now people are furious. They're holding on to their faces. And there was a lady with a kid,

and people were looking at the kid. She's like, my child? And she picked the kid up and smelt his ass. And she goes, no, it's not him. And I'm like, yes, it is, that cocksucker. A little fat, nasty motherfucker, it's him. You, you, you have the worst fucking farts of all. And you know what, when he, listen, he, believe it or not,

Joe Diaz used to be my babysitter. Joe Diaz, Joe Diaz watched, he watched my kids. There was one time, and now, do you still not wear underwear? Never. Okay. So. So he, he, babies, I was at the house and he used to spend all, we lived in, I live in an apartment in Hollywood, he'd be at my house all the time. And he, um, like all my kids were around, my daughter was maybe six at the time, and he bent over to pick something up.

And now when he bends over, there's a lot of ass, and there's a lot of hair in the crack of that ass. So he bends over to pick something up. My daughter ripped some hair out of his ass crack, and she said, how many? and he said, oh, it felt like six that time. And I said, that time, you mean you... Some of the shit, he... Here's what I... I always considered Joe, like, Joe,

I would explain him as a moral criminal. Because he would come over to my house, and if there was $40 on my table, he may lift it, but then he would take me out to lunch with my $40. But then he would tell me you get to lunch next time. I'm like, I'm pretty sure I got to... What is that?

We were outside talking about a time when I lived in a guest house, and I woke up on Monday, I go to the living room, and it's just me and him talking about the weekend, and I had this stripper-crazy fucking girlfriend used to beat up all the time, tie her up, piano, it was fucking great, right? So he goes, I got to hit an ecstasy left, though. It was eight in the morning, you know me, guys. Fuck it, you got to set the day off right.

There's none on your agenda. So I said, give me to him. the ecstasy, I pop the ecstasy, and I forget about it. I go down to Swanese, and I see a bunch of people, and then she calls me, and she goes, come down and give me a stabbing. So, we've got restraining orders on each other at the time. Right? And I go down there,

and I'm fucking, and I'm here. Boom, boom, boom, boom. Seattle Police. So I'm like, don't open the door. She's like, I have to, they're at the door, they're banging, so I hide under the bed. Wait, now, you know the best part of that story, right? The cops come in with their guns drawn. Where are you? And they look at the bed, and the bed's going up and down

for me breathing. His girlfriend goes, Joey hit under the bed. It looked like the bed was breathing. And what happened was, we had restraining orders on us, so the dumb stripper told her neighbor if you see Joey call the cops.

So she saw me, and we're naked, the cops take me in with no shirt, and they put me with those rubber bands around. So I'm on the fucking criminal bus with no shirt on horny as a motherfucker. But the Exocency hadn't hit me yet.

The Excellency didn't hit me I got to the holding tank. I'm like, man, it's hot in here. This is, oh, my God. Asking guys in jails for a hug. You got to get a hug, bro. When they fingerprinted me, it was fucking great, you got to do this again, man.

You got to do this again, man. Uh, that was fantastic. You used to call me. You have a collect call from King County Jail. Yeah, that was fantastic. But you, I've never seen you so thin when you were in jail. Dude was down like 195. Fuck yeah, those carbohydrates, dog.

Yeah. That's that prison diet, weight watches, they keep you unchecked, though. And even if you eat chocolate, like, you can order food at night, like cookies, you still lose weight. Because you get those little meals. It really teaches you how to eat. So when you go on Weight Watchers, that's all this, it's a county jail diet. It's one egg, you know? Because if you're home, you eat six eggs.

But when you're in county jail, you eat one egg in the cooler, you realize, That motherfucker goes a long way, you know what I'm saying? Now, so what year was that? 98. 98. I met Josh from 95 in Seattle. I was fresh from a divorce.

I was fucking crazy. Yeah. You get divorced. You get fucking crazy. Speaking of which, you were telling us the story outside. What did he do to you for a bag of weed? We used to, we, we were on the road together as me and Joey and a guy. Roseburg.

Roseburg, Oregon. Yeah. You ever go to Roseburg, Oregon? Don't. Across the street from the Calloons, we performed was a strip club, where the stripper was the DJ, the waitress, and the host, okay? And the, by the way, and the bouncer, and the bouncer. And she would change outfits for everything, so when you walked in, good evening, welcome to the strip club, she's over here.

And you're like, I need a drink, then she'd come back as the wets. My special tonight is white tap on rock. And like, where's the dancer? She'll be right out. And so she comes out fucking dancing. And it's like, let me pop that pimple on your ass. And all of a sudden she'd come out with her. I'm the bouncer.

You gotta go now. Disgusto. Lots of time. We did Roseberg, Oregon. We get in there. And we didn't know that a lady brought a bunch of fucking crazy kids to the show. So I do a fucking crazy joke or whatever. No, no, no, no, not crazy kids. She brought a retarded kid to the show.

Not retarded or retarded kids, plural. Yeah, and one of us said the word retarded. And she was like, you shouldn't. I said it and she blamed it on him. Yeah. And then she was like, you shouldn't have said retarded. There was a retarded kid. My brother retarded.

My question was, what did you fucking bring a retarded kid to a comedy show for? Whose fault is that? Plus, they didn't understand what I was saying. Don't worry about it. But, by the way, they didn't. We gave him some pudding. They were fine. After the show, we go out for drinks.

me, him, and a guy named Lenny Schmidt. And there was a girl at the table with us. And the best way for me to describe her is she looked like Joey with a wig. Right? So I get up and go to the bathroom. Now I come back, Joey and Lenny are gone. Joey with a wig is still there.

And I go, where's Joey and Lenny? And she goes, oh, they left. I go, what are you? They coming back? She goes, no, no, no, no. Joey sold you for a bag of weed. I said, wait, wait, wait, what do you mean? Sold me? She was like, oh, no, no, you're mine.

And I paid a bag of weed for you for the night. And I said, what do you mean? She said, Joey asked if I had any weed. And I said, yes. And he said, how much? And I said, if you leave your friend, you can have it. And he said, deal, grab his keys and left. So with this girl, this woman is, I'm like, well, listen, and this is pre-cell phone.

So I'm like, I had a pager, but that wasn't doing me any good. I was like, you've got to take me back to the hotel. And she was like, no, no, no, you're mine for the night. I'm like, you got to take me back to the hotel. And she goes, okay. Now, I didn't know where the fuck I was going, and so she drives me, and we pull up to her house. She pulls into the driveway, and she goes, you can either sleep here in the car for the night, or you can come in. And I was like, well, I'm going to go in and try to use the phone and find out where this hotel is.

So I'm in there with the phone book, trying, I couldn't remember what hotel we were at. I was calling a bunch of hotels. And as I was trying to find the hotel, this chick, who looks like him, not kidding, was walking out in different lingerie modeling it for me. Like, what do you think about this? I'm like, well, I think I can see your dick. That's what I think about that. It was not good. It was getting very rapy.

I'm not kidding. I was thinking she could probably take me. I got some problems. And then right about the time when it was getting a little weird, like she was opening up cabinets in the kitchen, like come look in the cabinet. Like that's really fucking weird. I don't know why you want me to.

Her roommate came home with her boyfriend. Dude might have taken a step into the apartment or the house. And I walked up and I had never met him before. Never seen him before. And I walked up and I put my hand out like this. I go, dude, listen, man to man. You don't know me. I don't know you.

Look what's behind me. And it was that chick in the laundry. I go, you gotta get me the fuck out of here. And he looked at that chick in the fucking lingerie, looked at his girlfriend. And he said, I got to do this for him. I never knew his name. We never talked in the fucking car.

We shared the same war story, right? We never talked about it, never looked at each other. And we drove around to a couple hotels. I'd get back to the hotel. He'd smoked all the fucking weed. And I wouldn't let him in. He kept banging. It's Josh Hulm motherfucker.

I don't know no, Josh. What's the card work? You know, it's so weird that years ago, and I don't mean to put anybody down, I was a big fan of Greg Haraldo. Years ago, I read for his pilot. I love Greg. And years ago, I read for his pilot,

and I remember that as I left there, I liked him, but the pilot It was shit because it had comics. It was about comics hanging out, like where Seinfeldon hangs out, that diner in New York. And I was looking at it. I'm like, this is not what comics did at this level of their career. You know, we, I mean, we robbed the safe. We did a lot of crazy shit.

But Josh left. Josh said I'm leaving September 23rd for L.A. So I was going to come down. I didn't think I was talented enough to come down. So I was going to stay up there. And I got a job working for a computer company selling pizzas. It was a new company because all the computer companies up there were a football game would be on. And then they put special at Domino's and you could order a pizza on a computer.

I put them together to pay me 15 an hour to call pizza places. Now, Josh was gone already, and I had this strip of girlfriend who was fucking crazy. But this time I had gone in and out of jail. I got arrested four times to one year. And we had this black friend named Rico who said he was in the Bronx and he was a criminal. Black. And he had a spider on his fucking face. Drilled in.

I went with him to a white town, to one of those Montana towns to do comedy where they'd never seen a black person. I'm just sorry. And they hated him. This motherfucker walked in 600 pounds. Not only did they hate him, but he was a Buddhist or whatever the fuck where he prayed. He was a Muslim. So here I'm in fucking, we hate black people town with this black, 600-pound big black guy with a spider on his face. Not a tattoo, guys.

He had his beard in the shape of a spider. So he kept telling me. Yeah, no, you were thinking tough spider tattoo. He sculpted his beard to look like a fucking spider. And he was big and fucking black. And the other side might as well have been a dick because it was not good. So I'm up there alone. Josh was my banker.

He used to cash my checks because I had no driver's license, no checking account. So whenever I got a check, he'd cash it for me, right? So I got this check for $600. I have this stripper come by and get me. So I always borrowed money from him, but I wouldn't pay it. So there's one time I got to cash this check. And she gives me the $600. She gives me like a 20 and she goes you owe it to me and I'm in the back scene. I go

Carol, don't start with me. I'll fucking kill you how I feel. So she goes to check is mine. I go Carol, please don't start with me. I'm on probation. We got restraining orders against each other. I go Carol, give me the fucking check back. And we're driving and she goes, I'm not going to give it back to you. So I reach over and when I go to grab the check, she rips it. Now I'm an addict. I got cocaine on my mind. She just destroyed my check. So what do I do? I reach over and grab her fucking hair, like the way I grabbed that hooker's hair in 79,

when I lit her wig on fire. And I fucking, and I pulled this bitch's hair all the way back where she had to pull into a car wash. Like, what the fuck are you doing to me? I wasn't going to kill this bitch. I don't give a fuck about 911 of domestic violence. This bitch ripped my check up on a Friday. There's a

judge somewhere that'll fucking see where I'm coming from. I ripped her fucking head down. And she's like, ah! Ah! Ah! We get into the driveway, thing. And she's like, let me go. And I'm like, you motherfucker, I'll fucking kill you. And she's like, please help me. People are watching

the car. And finally I let her go, and I got half her scalp in my fucking hand. I'm like, I'm going to kill you, bitch. And she starts yelling, ah, call the police. I'm like, police. Oh, no. So I run, and there's this club called the hurricane. Right? Yeah. And there's a movie theater where I've seen Pulp Fiction. I don't

know where I'm at, but I had been there before. So I'm looking around the hurricane, and I go, fuck this. No, I go inside the hurricane. I call Rico. I go, Rico, you gotta save me, you big black motherfucker, because he said he was ghetto and he was in, you know, in SWV, whatever, SWA, and, you know, NWA, you know, NWA, you know, he was one of those.

He was a gangster. How'd you go from SWV? Whatever the fuck, right? Sisters with Voices, right? You're going to start with SVU. I'm so into you. I'm so into you. Right, so I'm sitting there.

I eat a cheese. I got like $3. I got a cheeseburger, and Rico's like, drive my mother to the doctor I'm like Rico I got cops looking for me don't fuck around all right and by this time this is Seattle they had the helicopters out they had the dogs had the cops looking for me I stick my head out and I'm seeing Carol in a car guiding the cops it's like eight cop cars with the lights on so I jump in the dumpster in the garbage dumpster under like this fucking thing and

they throw on food next to me and I wait there till it gets dark I'm like fuck I got this I jump out of the dust I take the lettuce off my shoulder and shit I walk up by the movie theater I'm gonna call Gavin to come pick me up And there was like 20 cops hitting the bushes. They knew. And they fucking arrested me. And it was that fucking Rico. Because I said, Rico, I'm at the hurricane.

He pulled up 50 yards from an hurricane. I'm out there going like this. Like, I'm warned by Seattle police. And I'm out there drawing. I'm like, Tom Hanks in that fucking movie. When he got stuck on the island. And Rico's like, hold on. I said, Rico.

And then he left me there. So I got stuck in this fucking garbage can. I ended up going to jail for the weekend. Fucking amazing, though. You know, and that wasn't his real name, Rico. What was his real name? Thomas. Whatever.

Who gives a fuck? Yeah, no, but I was like, well, I go, why, um, I ask him, I go, why don't you go by Thomas? And he goes, no, that's not street. And I was like, you have a spider shaved on your face. There's nothing street about that either. And he, dude, he used to, like, he had his, I don't know why he thought he was so street. He would wear, like, a cardigan sweater with a collar popped. Yeah, it was not a good look for him.

He was six hundred pounds. He was a big guy. He was a big guy. a big fucking guy. Was that the last time he saw Carol or see you again after that? No. She moved down here.

The last time I saw Carol down here, we were going to fight on, we were having a fight on not Vista, but Gavin's Street. We were in front of Gavin's house in the little house when he was married and I had a pot roast in my hand

and she had mace. And I'm like, I'm going to hit you with this fucking pot roast in the head. And I'm throwing corners out of him. She's like, I'll hit you with the fucking mace, John. But I'm like, I'm going to hit you with the fucking mace, John. I talked to her the other day. I was telling these guys that she called me about six months ago.

She told me she has carpal tunnel syndrome. And I go, really? And I wasn't thinking about it. She goes, yeah, I got it from giving hand jobs at the strip club. And she's telling me. Is she still stripping? She's 43. She's a millionaire.

And she's still stripping. She's never spent a dime of her own money in her entire life. She'll suck a dick. Yeah. If you see Carol right there right now and go, I want to buy your dinner. She's hungry. She will go to dinner with you and suck your dick instead of breaking the 20. She don't care if you're three or you're fucking 60.

The guy she married to was an 80-year-old Hindu guy. And she sucked his dick till he died. And while he was coming, she signed the will. Right? And when he died, it was all hers, and she bought a bunch of those gyms, curbs for women, like before the bottom fell out. And she sold the whole region of him and made like, and now she's got like eight houses.

Did you fucking know? She does. She's the dumbest. All over Michigan. Carol's got houses all over. She's dumb. She's like the president of PTA, and she's still strips three times a week

and, like, the town next door. This is how crazy she is. And she'll suck your dick for 100, and she'll fuck you for 200. And she called one day, she's like, I don't feel good. My throat hurts. I suck the dick without a condom last week.

I'm like, you're the president of the PTA, bitch. You suck the dick without a condom. You're the president of the PTA. What kind of example is that? Now, how long have you been smoking that? You know, I'm sure, he is an all-or-nothing guy. Now, listen, he went from never smoking a cigarette in his life. Not kidding.

To two packs a day. He didn't, there was no in between. I'm going to try a cigarette. He, is that an exaggeration? That's true. He went from never smoking a fucking cigarette. And all of a sudden, he would just go, like, I'm like, how long have you been smoking? A day?

How many of those? I think I'm going to go through, like, two packs. I'm like, what the fuck? When we first started hanging out, he was still smoking a little. But he would have like two pops off it and throw it away. And then you go to the next cigarette. Like you would never finish the cigarette. Wait, but two drags for him, he almost, if you smoke a joint with him.

If he takes two drags, that joint is fucking gone. He's like, and it just, I'm like, you're going to fucking put that thing down? It's like you've got a third lung for weed. It's so weird. But when I stop something, when I do something, it's all nothing. Then when I stop it. Yeah. Like I went to a party.

November, my wife was pregnant. I was smoking cigarettes. I looked in the bottle and I had smoked like eight cigarettes. I said I ain't smoking no more. No patch, no nothing. I just stopped smoking. That's fucking crazy. With the blow, 27 years, one guy just stopped. No rehab, no hug. No nothing. I didn't kill nobody.

You know, it's like when I made my mind up about it. But there was, there was twice, I think, here in L.A. where you talked to me about going into rehab. There were two times that you were like, you may have to drive me somewhere. No, well, there was a rehab on on Hollywood, it was on sunset

next to the Robex. It's still there. It's like a community type place. I went in there a couple times, but you know, when you go to rehab, sometimes they pick out of scab. You know? And I have gone there a couple times, and they're bringing up shit from when I'm six. Who gives a fuck?

You know what I'm saying? Like, it was like they were looking for shit. So I didn't need that. I had enough shit on me. So that's why I didn't go. I don't think I'd work out of rehab. I went to a rehab one time. It was outpatient when I was in a halfway house.

I wasn't even doing blow. I was selling blow but when you weigh it it goes through your skin did you know that so I was weighing the chunks so they made me go to like this rehab where you paid them off

and they left you to fuck alone Is this the one where the woman would suck your dick like in the middle of the session yeah it was fucking great because a lot of people from the halfway house were there and they was Patrice Twining

and we'd be at the group talking about like yeah my mother burn me with an iron and you're like Patrice what's the story let's go on the back and shit and she'd suck your pole and go back it was great

She was in a halfway house for me. She was a beautiful girl. She was from Michigan. I'll never forget her. That's how beautiful she was. She was a freak. That was the first real freak I met. So I would go to the halfway house with Coke.

I would sell Coke in the halfway house. I was in a federal halfway house. And I lent money. Because if you don't pay rent, they won't let you out for the weekend. So the rent was $75. So I give you $75 for like $108. I just made up a number. Like $75 for 108, and people would give it to me.

And then I sold Coke. And I would pull up at night with the car, and I'd see the Invix on the third floor going, Yeah. And I would come in, and when I'd open my book to check in, there'd always be a note from Patrice Swine. This is a true story. And she'd say, come to my room, bring me a rock.

And I would knock in the halfway house. I would go to her room, which was right over there. Right over there was where you checked in. That's where the counselors were. And each door had like your knock, you know, like when you go to the door, that's like a foot in like that, so they really can't see it. I would knock on her door, she'd open it with like wardrobe on.

The other two girls would be watching TV because there were three girls. This is how crazy I was. I would give her the Coke Rock, and I'd take my dick out, and I'd just stand there. And she sucked my dick, and I'd just put my dick and walk away. And then I'd wait like three hours. This is how crazy this Halfway House was. It was in Boulder College. It was called BCTC.

This is how crazy. I think about this shit now. I'm like, they would have thrown... Because if you had sex with one of the girls, they'd throw you in jail for like four fucking years. This girl was like a nasty freak, but you live your life. Then we ended up in a rehab. Then we ended up in a rehab together. And then years later, I saw her out one day riding the bike.

I was driving. I go, Patrice, what are you doing? None. Suck my dicks like, let's go back to my house. Because my husband won't be home for a few hours. Your husband, when did you get married? So that's how crazy this girl was. That's fucking, you think about your life and the people you've met.

You're like, what the fuck? I wasn't crazy. They were crazy. Did you... Jesus Christ. I was saying earlier, my favorite job you ever had, my favorite scam you ever ran, you know, in Seattle, he'd always ran numbers or booked, been a bookie,

but, you know, he was going to take bets from people because, you know, it's a good way to make money, but he didn't have any bank. So he would pretend to be the middleman, and he would take people's bets. with no money to pay if they won. So he would take people's money and if they won, he couldn't pay him.

Oh my God, I didn't get it in. Did you call? Yeah. No, you didn't. No, fuck. No! No! You could have won a thousand dollars? Oh, I feel so bad. Fuck! I was doing comedy. I was in Bellingham. I didn't know. And I did this.

Listen, always remember, when you're gambling, the odds of them losing the higher than the odds of them winning. I was fucking broke. I had to take a chance. It was either this or rob somebody. Was that before or after we robbed the safe? That was before the safe. Because I had moved into a building where he owned the bar downstairs.

There was offices for $125. And I rented the office. I didn't have an office. I had a phone that the guy had looked me up with it. I met at your bar. It was like National Phone Service. And he hooked me up on an 800 line and a free number for a month with no credit check.

What are you fucking kidding me? I ain't paying you. No credit check. I open up a fucking business with no dollars. There was no computer. I would take leads from this guy in San Diego, and I would call him and sell them gambling packages on the phone. You know me, I'm a fucking savage, guys.

And then this other pigeon comes into his bar. He tells me he's looking for a fucking bookie. Really? I got a book for you. Yeah, I just made up an Italian name. Nino Gonzalez, he hangs out with the Gatties. Really, I'm doing book with Mafia? Yeah, don't worry about nothing.

I don't even get you to Mafia after a year. I sold a guy a mafia membership in Boulder, Colorado, for $2,000. And he would see me and he'd go, nobody called me yet. They're going to call you. They're doing the paperwork. You did the paperwork. I swear to God, I made this guy write his name down on a notebook paper, so he's security. He came up to me one day, and here's the crazy thing.

He was from Brooklyn. He was an Italian kid from Brooklyn. He lives in San Jose. Every once in a while, he sends me an email. And he came up to me one day, and he goes, listen, I want to be in the mafia. I do. No problem. I'm making a coffee. Fill out the application and we'll get you in. I got like a notebook paper. He wrote his name,

his mother's maiden name, his father's name, his Dana Bird Social. Give me the two grand, somebody will call you. For years, he kept saying, nobody called me, bro. What the fuck happened? Nobody called me. So I could run a scam on a motherfucker if you let me. So I meet this fucking pigeon and he's like, and he's betting $200 a night. He loses

to me three weeks in a row. Like $600. Finally, we're going to Moscow, Idaho. It was a Wednesday night room where these were fucking hillbillies. They'd send you up tequila with tobasco sauce in them. They called whatever the fuck,

lizards or whatever. Like a prairie dog? Prairie dog. And this audience goal was to make you puke on stage. So they would keep sending you the fucking drinks to you got sick on stage.

It was crazy. So how we were going to get to fucking wherever we were going? This is crazy. How the gas money? was coming from this fucking guy. So finally I go to meet him in front of Lobo Loco, and this motherfucker tells me,

he goes, you ain't got no bookmaker. I finally figured out, you're sitting on the bets. I ain't paying you. Bring me the bookmaker right now, and you've got to see me go to work. Listen, you don't want to fuck with these people. Don't make this Italian guy. I get on the thing.

He hangs out with Louis de Finger. Finally, he goes, I'll give you the money, but I'll never put another bed in with you again. He paid me the money and never called me again. What do I give a fuck? You think I want him as my Facebook friendly? Friendly? What?

Look, fuck. Here's the thing, you know, you think when you do those shows like Moscow, Idaho, a Wednesday night, who the fuck remembers us from doing that, right? I got a Facebook message from this girl, maybe two years ago. And it was... The one you came in her ear. Yeah! Came in the girl's ear.

I laugh at him. She said to you... This motherfucker called me. He goes, listen, I just came in this girl's ear. She hasn't woken up yet. Hey! It was the funniest thing because I said so. When I woke her up, this was the best part, because I came.

came in her ear and I woke her up and I go, you gotta go. You know what she said? What? And I was like, yeah, use the other ear. Was she asleep? She was asleep when you came in her ear? I would call Josh. I would call Josh from anywhere in the country. I would get to a city and I would call Josh. This is 98, 97, 99. I'm in New York City in the summer. I get to Porta Thoree. I'm in Syracuse. I get to Porta Thoree. I check my luggage at Porta Thoree. I got to go get weed.

I go into Deep Harlem I saw I'm going into Harlem I take the train the 8 train up 178 this is 15 years ago whatever 98 there's no weed gee what's the mayor's name Rudy Giuliani

Juliani cleaned it up there's no fucking weed I'm depressed I say fuck it I go to 178 so I get Cuban food right by Cid the signer and I got on the 8 train I'm on the 8 train I go I get a calling card I go let me call Joshua I got time to the A train comes

I'm on the fucking A train but I'm turned around to the phone and some chicken is tapping me on the shoulder. Excuse me. I'm on the phone with you, Jakey. Yeah, I know. And then we're talking, and all of a sudden, I go, excuse me, and I look at the girl.

I don't even look at it. She goes, excuse me, she goes, for $2 on a lighter. Yeah. I'll suck your dick. She's saying this to me. Well, I'm on the phone, and he hears it. And he goes, what did she say?

Like, this could only happen to me. Yeah, yeah. And now I got a fucking witness. I got a witness. I'm on the phone. And we're talking. about the Yankees and the Boston Red Sock and this girl's like excuse me excuse me for $3 on a lighter I'll suck your dick and I'm like Did you hear this? This is what happens to me all the fucking time

And she keeps tapping me like for three dollars I'll suck your dick and I'm like I heard you and I look at it and the girl guys is beautiful Except somebody had punched her real hard in the fucking face Like this whole side was just purple like she was just purple her eye was red like fucked up the pupil And she's like, for $3 in a lighter, I'll suck your dick. And you know what? If there was a place where she could suck my dick, I would have to train. You have to go under deep, and then there's rats back there. I'm not doing that shit.

But I couldn't. After a while, it was just a joke. I'm like, Josh, I got to call you back. I go, so you'll suck my dick for $3 on the lighter? She's like, yes, I would. And I'm like, are you on crack? And she's like, I've never done crack in my life before. So now I got to fuck with the bitch.

Now I got it And you know I gotta like torture her I'm like why do you smoke crack You know she's like I don't And I go listen If you tell me you smoke crack I'll give you the money

You have to suck my dick And she's like but I don't And I'm like listen All right fuck it You don't And I'm trying to negotiate Like all right You want $2,000

And a lighter I'll give you a dollar In the book of matches And I'm serious And she's like Fuck you fat man I'm not sucking I'm not sucking your dick

For a dollar in matches And all this shit I'm like it's up to you But if you tell me you smoke crack I'll give you $5 dollars you have to suck nothing. And she's like, okay!

I smoke crack, motherfucker. I gave it a $5. She didn't even go up the stairs. She went into that cave back there and just disappeared into the fucking night. And I never forgot this woman until this day. This is the shit that happens. You remember?

I remember I ran a little business. It was kind of legitimate. But I had to go to Mexico once, twice a week. And, but there was one time I had never been in Tijuana at 10 in the morning before. And I was waiting to meet up with this guy and I'm drinking a coffee. And I'm walking down the street and this guy goes, hey, you want women? And I was like, it's a little early.

For women, it's 10 in the morning. He was like, $30 inside anything you want. And I was like, no, I'm good, man. And he goes, 20. I go, no, no, no, I'm good. He goes, 10. And I said, well, I got to see what $10 looks like. I mean, if you're saying $10 anything I want, I got at least take a look.

It would be rude not to. And I walked in there. Let me just tell you something. A 10 a.m., $10 hooker looks exactly what you think she fucking looks like. Except add two kids. There were kids running around. One woman was playing with her kid. I walked in.

She was, eh, I have to go to work. And I was like, oh, my God. I was like, fuck this. No, no. God, 10 in the morning. Were there cheer levels? Like if you pay 30, would you get a better one or no? Is it just the same?

You know what? I didn't, I didn't start bargaining with them. You want to ask? You want to go down there? Not really. You kind of want to go down there. Now, when you, when you, do you like strip clubs? I've never been to strip clubs.

That is a fucking... You never put to a strip club? I'm Jewish, why am I going to pay a cover charge? Look, I'm Jewish, too. It doesn't have anything to do with it. Well, he doesn't, he doesn't have to pay. He goes in for free and knows everybody there for someone. I don't know.

How old are you? How old are you? How old are you? Not once. You've seen I deal with? You see that I deal with? But the motherfucker, he's lying. He's lying.

But the motherfucker watch community and Saturday Night Live. Now you know why I get mad him. Now you know why? He says me, I watched community last night, really? You motherfucker? You watch The Office? I'll fucking kill you. At 24, I wasn't watching that shit.

No. At 24, I didn't even think about TV. You know what I'm saying? At 24, you're like, you know, a fan of what? What? What? Are you fucking retarded? Wait, so what, what, what tities are you seeing? What?

What tities are you seeing? The ones I date. The ones you date? Yeah. I don't know. Yeah, does online count of dating? Wait, just so you know you porn, that's not really dating. Fuck.

Those girls don't really like it. It freaks me out. Like, I don't want anyone to like to hate me. Like, I feel like they'd hate you. You walk in. It feels creepy, man. Where? At a strip club?

Yeah. No, they're not hate you. You're their living. It's a business. You're their business. You give them $20. They show you their pussy. They got to go to Metsuil, dude.

They got to get themselves through Metskkenk. I don't go to strip clubs, but I would take you. Just to take you. Just to take you. I think we should do a church of what's happening now. I would take leave to a fucking strip club. Party next.

That's the next thing we do. Do you know what? We could set that out. But we got to take you to a strip club where they suck your dick and something nasty. Like a chick with a... Can't we start off low or something? You know?

Start low. Yeah. It's like a normal one. Have you ever been with a prostitute? No. No, no. That one night outside of the ha-ha, that crazy girl with a bandage on her head.

She was like injured. She had a bandage on her head? I went to the ha-ha with Joey and we were sitting outside talking and this girl came up and started talking to us. He left because he's smart. And I just started talking to her and there's a bar right next to it.

We went and we started dancing and drinking and kissing. She said, do we have a deal? I said, what do you mean? She's like, I'll make you feel like the best man in the world. I was like... That's a hooker. Yeah. No, but I would never...

I would never pay for. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah. So I walked away. Because that would, I think I'd pass out. I fucking pay for a hooker. But she had a bandage on her head and was fucking crazy. She was crazy.

Do you remember it at all? So what? Who cares? That's the best. That's a great story. You got a... A chick with a bandage on the head. Listen, let me tell you what the best eat bat-ass piece of pussy is.

You see all these pretty girls in the room, they're all pretty, and I love to be with you. Fuck all you, motherfuckers. All right? You find the chick with a chick with. like an escape thing, like a bracelet from a looney bin, or a band-as, and she got like Vidi Mao. Like somebody threw in a bomb and she was in the room,

and she blew up and shit, and she has a bandage on her head. You know what that girl would do to you? She'll do everything, but light your balls on. No herpes. The bomb explosion burned the herpes out. Hey, the best, the best, the best blowjob I've ever gotten my life. I was, it was actually in Seattle. I was driving down Yelter, what is that,

on the way from out of downtown Seattle to Lake Glass-Eye. I used to live down there, and I'm driving out, I think it's a street, and I saw a girl, obviously, hooking, and she, a black girl, she had a little buckwheat hair, and I'm like, yeah, I'm, I'm down, like, I'm all right with that, so she gets in the car, and she said, listen, I shouldn't be doing this, I'd just get out of jail, but how much will you give me for a, if I suck your day? And that was the best, she, that was the best blowjob I had ever got in my life. The right out of jail blowjob was like, I mean, that was amazing. Absolutely amazing. Yeah, she'd be, yeah. Doc, let me watch your time. I suggest the out of jail blowjob.

Anybody can get one? Because you get a medical question. There's a medical question. Do you ever get like a hooker that comes in and says, I want to be the best hooker I could be, shoot me with HGH, like I want something heavy duty? I want my pussy to be in tip-top condition. Where's my practice?

In the San Fernando Valley. Okay. The former home of what business? A lot of adult film stars come in. Oh shit. They get beat up. They get hurt. Their hips get knocked out.

They always have neck injuries. Yeah, all the time. By the way, that's why I don't, when I go to strip clubs, I don't like all nude strip clubs. Because all nude means that you've, you're dancing all nude. You've made some mistakes in your life. And a lot of times those mistakes are reflected. on their vaginas. Do you know what I mean? So I don't need to see like, I don't need

to see, like, some of those poosies look like wounded stingrays from Searrow. Only one of the flaps is working like this. It's not good. Genetic. No. It's genetic. What does it mean

when you're doing an atopist one? Have they made good decisions if they're at a topless form? No, but I don't have to see the vagina. Like, a lot of times, I have a vagina. Look, the vagina close up isn't great to look at anyways. But when it's been beat up like that for a couple years, It's a party. That's a party.

Medically speaking, they don't get beat up. When the wing is all fucked up. Really? Because you have a little pussy and the wing is fucked up in the morning. Like the, you know, and it kills me because they have like erectile dysfunction. But they never have a chick come out high. Does your wing not flap in the fucking morning? Because the wings don't work right.

There's always that one wing that's like a, that's like a sleepy motherfucker. He's a little tired. I remember the first time I saw an Audi. Do you know because some Vajajas hang a little lower The J-J? Yeah, some of them hang a little lower, right? So it was the first time I'd ever seen an Audi

and I was like, what the fuck? It looked like Homer Simpson's mouth sideways. Right? I was like, damn, look at that fucking thing. It looked like it was going to eat me. It was huge. Where did this podcast go wrong? Okay, but I'm going to bring it back to medical.

I'm telling you, genetic. What you have is what you have, okay? So they don't get beat up? They don't stretch out? Medically, no, your labia is your labia. Just like, you know, some guys have really hangy balls. Yeah. And some guys have tight ones.

Yeah. I'm not going to talk about. Yes, your balls hang down, do they wiggle? All around. You got one, you got one tight one and one hangy one. Oh, I got the, well, the left one is the tight one. That's the one that went to aerobicsy. You know, it's like I got two balls and one of them live right and the other one did what he did.

He went to concerts. He slept late. He didn't take care of himself. He refused to go to the gym. So he's all fucked up. That's what happened. He didn't eat well. He didn't take care of himself, you know.

You got to take care of your nuts. It's fucked up. Are we going to take him to a strip club? Whatever he needs. I listen. I love Lee. I love Lee. My job with the church is.

to reach out, but it's also Lee's the science project. Every once in a while I get an email, you're picking on Lee. I'm not picking on fucking Lee. I'm showing Lee the world in a tight situation. I'm showing him the world through my rearview mirror. Like motherfucking Tupac. You understand me? And Lee

gets mad at me. He says, you shouldn't do that. Where do we go? Because I lived in Van Nuys I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. And there's one by like the 405. I don't like to lose. We got to take it to a dirty one, Lee. No glamour. No stakes. City and industry's rough.

Yeah. That's the one. City industry. Something where they fart on your face. You know what I'm saying? Something you need, Lee, you need to break out of your comfort zone. You're a nice comfort zone.

I love you. You're a very nice kid, but you need somebody to pee on you. You need these things to start. Because you're not going to live your life. Tell the doctor, you don't even like eating ass. You've never eaten ass before.

I like pussy. I don't want to eat assholes. But you never thought a lick on a girl's asshole. It's erotic. So what? You eat McDonald's the same shit. They get shit. They were finding shit on the hammy

burgers, it's in that movie that they found a little turds of shit on the hamburgers. Tell the doctor, you didn't even like a finger up your ass. No. Like if a chick sticks a finger up your ass, he's fired. It would never happen. Would you talk to her? Like, say, listen, you can't do that no more? I've never had that, like, okay, all right.

One of the first girls I slept with, like, I had just turned 21, so we went out drinking. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. The first girl you slept with, you were 21? No, no, no, no. I'm saying one of the first girls. Like, I was, like, I was like 19 or 20 when I first, but there was like I just I could first I could legally buy alcohol I went to her house

and she was like one of the first ones that was like I Carrie's fine but like one of the ones just did nothing and she came up and like she like she didn't even want to start out regular she said she wanted to start out anal and like I almost I almost passed out it freaked me out like I and what did you do you just start breaking I said I said no it freaks me out I can't all right we're gonna maybe the only person in the entire world who's ever said no to anal. No, I will not. You're a lady.

Any girl wants to start out with anal. No thing. I'm all set. It freaks me out. What? You understand me? Lee, ladies and gentlemen,

Lee is the nicest kid in America. And I love that he's nice and sweet, but we've got to toughen him up a little. What's wrong with the pussy? There's nothing wrong with pussy. Why do you have to start out with anal? Because how many times you're going to fuck this girl in the pussy one time? And then you're going to sit there and talk.

to about what? Music, the computer, the iPhone. No, you gotta eat her ass, then you go back, then you got a finger-bang her, they gotta suck a tits, they got to punch you, then you gotta fuck her again. You know, I don't think you can fuck a girl three or four times and keep coming. So you gotta break up entertainment. You just can't sit there and talk until your dick gets hard. So you gotta flip them over and lick their ass a little bit

and smack them, massage their tennies, and rub your dick on their neck. There's things that you gotta do. And then they suck your dick, and they lick your nuts. and they, you know. I don't like a tongue in the ass either, but when you get the party started, you got to do what you got. Like Carol stuck a tongue up my ass.

The first time, I was in Boulder. I never had a tongue in my ass, and she told me to turn over. That's disgusting. I'm not going to get on all floors and have you lick my ass like an ice cream cold. That's not happening. I do that to you.

I'm the slog. That's disgusting. I know what my ass smells like. You know what I'm saying? I don't mind if you suck my dick and you get like 10% of my ass with. coming up at you. You can tolerate that. But when your ass is there, and it's

90% of your asshole in that poor girl's face, and she wanted to lick it like that, no. But when you're coked up and you're drunk, a little tongue in the ass, ain't bad. Like, you like it. And you make-believe you don't like it. Stop it. Stop it. You like the dunk.

You know what else? Sometimes you get up into the position where you're like this, and it's almost like they're changing your diaper. Oh. You're in Happy Baby. Let me dance. And that's what pisses me off about the position. I love yoga.

And if women with the yoga and did those positions at home, men would be a lot happier. But no woman, you walk in there holding their ankles and Happy Baby going sideways. Let me show you a happy baby. Oh, shit. I hope someone took a picture. Did someone get a picture of that at all?

Oh my God. Yeah, yeah. That was pretty... So now you guys know. I don't pick on Lee. Lee's like my... He's a son that landed on my lap. When he tells me these things,

it breaks my fucking heart. When he talks to me like that, he goes, I don't know. I want to grab him by the fucking neck and go, you get in the car right now. And we're going to pick the first nastiest black chick got a bus stop sitting there. And we're gonna eat her fucking ass, okay?

And I'm not saying nothing bad about black chicks. I love you dirty motherfuckers. I'm a big fan of Mrs. Obama. I would tear that little buck-thew bitch up. Oh, I love Mrs. Obama. I would eat her pussy. When I see the dance on Jimmy Fallon when she was doing that shit, I got all horned up.

I love Mrs. Obama. I feel like your dream is like Diane Sawyer and Mrs. Obama. What's that? You, Diane Soye. Oh, that's another thing. Dian Soya, really? Oh, that Jew. three-sum that motherfucker me Diane Sawyer so I'm 50 Diane Sawyer is hot to me she's like 50

50s she got a little Patty Duke haircut show is she always she always gives me the news I want to read she's very cute she looks at the camera she's got one lazy eye I don't give a fuck that's a party right there that's a party right there I can make beliefs I can make believe she's the fucking guy she's uh what's the guy from the print the king of uh Scotland the who's a guy he's Floyd Whitaker, whatever his name is. Forrest Whitaker? Why would you pretend he's Forrest Whitaker? Well, you probably have a better shout of Forrest Whitaker than Diane Sawyer.

When I was in high school, it was this chick that was banging, but she had a lazy eye. So it was always lazy. So she had a crush on my friend. He was scared of him. He was like, she's there. And Judas Priest has a song, I got a contact on you. So look at him and go, she's got a contact on you. Stop.

There was a girl over there was a girl who went to college. with who had one arm and we used to call her slot and when we got drunk we'd walk up to her bar and we'd pull her arm and we'd go and we'd go lemon lemon vagina shit

okay we put hands under her pussy and wait for something to drop fucking poor girls bro those poor girls we tortured in high school those are the toughest woman in the fucking world. I had a friend that used to walk like this. You know those girls that walk like

this like goofy? But the other way, like a feet were like this and they call a 10 to 2 because she was like this. So they call that bitch 10 to 2 right to a face. You can't write that shit. You mean disabled people is what you mean. No, she wasn't disabled. The right fucking Lee. She didn't have a handicapped sticker in the car.

In those days, if you were handicapped, you had to work motherfucker. They didn't care. You had to walk all the way from the back to target. Remember that shit started 10 years ago In the old days Now you see handicapped fat people That's because they park in front of the fucking joint Ten years ago they'd be all fucked up

But they'd be in shape Dude Al Fox used to walk down those stairs You know Al Foxx? He used to walk down the stairs at all my God We had a comic We had two comics in Seattle We had Rita O Who was a man and became a woman in her head

She was in the middle of her operation It was her head was this fucking big And the doctors were prescribed Avalium they prescribed to everything And we used to steal her Valium It was fucking classic She used to talk like a woman Oh my God

I have this spot tonight But then if you ate her nachos She looked at you and she'd say Put them back She was all dainty One time I was all She was sitting at the table She was like

Ah I can't have a can't I'm really nervous about Going on stage I'm so nervous And I reached for one of her nachos And she went Hey! And I was like

What the fuck Is she the one that fell off stage And died? Yeah she fell down the stairs and died Her head was so big Yeah She couldn't balance her body And her head brought her down

the stairs. Going down the stairs. And she would go to Queen Anne up in the hill and dance at these clubs and shit and she fell off and banged the head. And she didn't fucking live, poor though. And then we had Al Fox that was like a fucking one of those guys.

And he called me out one time. Al Fox was a handicap that was tough. He came up to me after me. He said, fuck you, man. I'll fucking kick your ass. I'm like, what are you going to do? I couldn't fucking fight this kid, but he was a tough fucking kid. It's amazing.

The travels that we've gone through, man. It's fucking amazing. comic that we went and we were broke comics guys fucking broke I lived in his office it didn't have a shitter I have to shit out the window okay I had to join the gym to take a shower and we lived with Lionel

I lived at Lionel who Lionel was the bad as white dude I haven't met in my life yeah Lionel was a white dude that was down for anything you know those people are just down for anything he lived in a warehouse in Seattle those parties at his house were and he had the window open and anybody could throw rocks

and if I missed the bus to Josh's house. I would throw rocks and he let me and I'd sleep in the corner. And I would wake up in the middle of night and every night was a different scenario. He had no heat. So he'd have like three black guys and him smoking crack, passing around a pipe. That's what I wake up to. One night he woke him and said, come on, there's a party in the building. We went to the building where he lived at. It was one of those things you had to pull the fucking elevator with the thing down. And we went there and there was two chicks dancing in a cage, eating each other out and shit at this party where they were doing heroin.

And this is a true story. This is Seattle and I'm there, and I'm doing Coke. And there was this guy with a suit on who kept saying, look at you fucking idiots doing cocaine and heroin. That's candy stuff. I did all that shit. We know those older guys. I went to Woodstock. I did this. And we're like,

listen, bro. Fucking the singer from Madison Chains is fucked up on this fucking heroin. And you're sitting there saying that don't do nothing to you. So one of the guys cut a line of heroin and there was a beam. And he was holding. him on to it. And I'll never forget, he's like, do the fucking line of heroin. The guy's like, fuck you youngsters.

I used to do this shit in my sleep. He did the whole line of heroin. And he looked at this and all of a sudden he started foaming like Uma Dermin. And he held on to the pole and he just started spinning and this motherfucker dropped. And everybody's like, give him like the resuscitation. Lionel's like, fucking let him die.

That's how crazy Lionel was. Now he's in a band, right? He got his life together or something like that. Lionel? Yeah, yeah. Last time he got a girlfriend, he got his life together. Is he living on the ranch? No, you don't fuck.

Doc, any closing notes? What do you got for it? What do you want? What do you want? Anything on the health tip? I mean, what do you think, God? Am I getting healthier? You're looking great. You're doing it? Look at him. Show him. Show him. I'm a savage dog. Tell him what you do every day. What do I do? What's your workout?

I work out. I try to work out every day. I take two days off. I'm fucking 50 years old. So I go to two kickboxing a week. I just joined Jiu-Jitsu, so I'm going to try that two times a week. And I go on the epileptic. So that's not fucking bad, and I walk every day. Not the epileptic. You don't want an epileptic. I have my daughter. I have my daughter.

You jump on an epileptic guy and you ride him around a whole lot? Whatever. I remember one time I robbed an epileptic guy. What? You? What? On Friday nights, I did not know this. I did not know this. And I've told this story before that there was, I used to hang out at this bar called Joe Marries and this epileptic guy used to come in a janitor.

And he'd come in every night. And at the end of the night, I'd get coked up. And I'd pickpocket him. I used to be a good pickpocketer. So I'd pickpocket him and he'd have those things with pills. And I'd open it up and he'd have a bunch of valiums in there. And he had these other white pills in there. So I would take the valiums, give him to all my cocaine buddies and put the pill. What the fuck?

So I would do this to him every Friday night. And one Friday night, I actually went in his pocket. He didn't have no valiums. He just had these white pills. So my buddy's like, where's the Valiums? I go, bro, he ain't got Valemps. He's got baby Quelus. I even know what they were.

But who cared? That's how I ran then. I don't know what they are, but how back can they be? Just take one and we'll let it to pieces for all where they made. So I gave them out for like 10 guys. It was a Saturday night. At like 2 in the morning. I went home, whatever.

I got fucked up, went to bed. Do you know I woke up Monday fucking morning. And I woke up and, and, and, and, And all I did that Sunday was basically get up to puke and pee and go right back to bed. I would basically crawl to the pee and then go back to bed, drink water. So Monday I get up and I see the fucking, my answering machine, the phone is blinking up a storm. It's just blinking. And I'm picking up and I'm like, I'm hearing Coco, fuck you, you fat fucking spick.

Your mother sucks dick. Beep. And the next one, fuck you. I've been high for two fucking days, motherfucker. What did you give me? Beep, fuck you. So I had all these things. pissed off me. One guy, Greg Schmidt

and J-Mo Schmidt, they're on Facebook. They live in San Diego. He called me up. And he's like, I actually went to the pharmacy. This is what they give epileptics when they have a seizure. I was fucking people up. But I had one friend who was like, bro, I like those pills. His name was, you got any more of those things? Those things were solid, dog. It's like Sergio Love.

Sergio Love could eat 20 volumes a night. But I gave anxiety pills. I got one time. He called me two days. I was like, man, them motherfuckers were for real, dog. So it's really fucking weird what you're taking out there. So, Doc, any closing the statements here for the people?

No stories. The stories are all good. Just stay healthy, come see you. No, don't come see me. This group? You're too young. You're too young. After everything you've heard,

can he still come and see you? Is he still allowed? Show is the man. You're doing? I'm taking care of myself. I drink water. You know, I'm a father. My staff actually says, Joey's 10 minutes late.

I go, yeah. Can you, so we call him? No, he'll be here. Well, what if something happened? They love them. Girls love you. No, I love the girls. I love the girls.

He got the guy, he got nice girls. We're going to close with a good safe story when I try to talk Josh into being a criminal inside. Start it out. With the safe story? Yeah. I worked at a bar where these guys were crooked. And they hadn't paid me for about two months.

They were assholes. And it was down near where the Mariners played. And we used to get huge crowds when the Mariners were in town. So the Yankees were in town. And I was going out of town to do stand-up in Moscow, Idaho. And I told Joe, I was like, listen, here's what going to happen. I'm going to give you some keys. You're going to take a safe.

I'm going to be out of town. So I can't get blamed for it. And usually at the end of a weekend on a Sunday, right? Because they don't go to the bank on Saturday and Sunday. we're going to have a whole weekend full of Yankee money. So that was... 40 fucking G's.

Guaranteed. Six dollar beers. Yeah. So I give him the keys and I go out of town and when he takes the safe now you want to tell him how you took that save?

No, so... It was a fucking Sunday night. I did my spot. I met the fucking dude that was the accomplice. I went over to this place and I went by the back door. I opened the door with the keys.

I went up two flights of stairs to the office. And there's the... fucking safe. And, you know, me, I try to play, It Takes the Thief. But I always knew, like, the people who taught me how to steal said, don't try to break the safe. Take the safe to go. And you can break the safe at home. That's what you do. You take the safe to go. You don't leave it there and play fucking, you know, fucking, uh, the Italian job. You fucking take the safe to go. So I fucking go to move the safe. This fucking safe is heavy, guys. But they call old man strength.

But this was hunger strength. This was thieverestrink I picked this fucking safe up This safe I mean A bodybuilder couldn't back I fucking picked this thing up And I took it out of thing

I'm like ah And I got a hemorrhoid I had a fucking hemorrhoid A hernia everything And I dropped the safe And I would just push it down the fucking stairs Bo bo bo bo bo bo bo bo bo and broke shit And I would pick up a safe

It broke the stairs Broke the fucking stairs through it down Bann blah blah blah broke the stairs Picked it up Man handled it I fucking get out in the hallway on the alleyway, and there's the kid with the Ackyra. I put the fucking safe in his car,

close the trunk as we get in the fucking car. He pulls the car three inches, and there's a cop car right there on First Avenue, clocking people. So I was throwing the safe down while the cops were outside eating fucking hamburgers. Those dumb fucks out there with the fucking speed gun. And here I am carrying his fucking safe, throwing it down. So we take the fucking safe, we go back to his house, he's out of town, we call him in the hotel, the safe is completed.

I'm thinking 30 G's three ways. You were like, this safe is so heavy. There's no way there isn't $30,000. It felt like $30,000. You know what I'm saying? I had picked up saves before. This felt like $30,000. I get the fucking safe.

We bring it, carry into the back room, because again, hunger fucking strength. I put the save. I don't even know how we cracked it open. I think we got a blow torch, a drill. We fucking drill this thing. I'm like, I'm there like James Conn and thief. I'm sweating and shit.

I'm all fucking hot. We open the thing and there's a bag of change. quarters $27 and quarters that's why it was so heavy because those quarters are fucking heavy what we get wait till you come big fucking score cocksucker

well that was the best thing I couldn't wait he goes wait till we wait till you get back I'm gonna give you your money personally he gave me $9 and quarters he goes here you go that's your 30 fucking thousand cocksucker there's nothing wrong

there's nothing worse when you have a plot in your mind and then you're going to go do the plot, you're going to make money. There was a, in San Francisco in 85, I used to watch drug dealers at the Hilton check in, and then I'd rob them. I'd wear a suit on like Miami Vice,

and I'd make believe I was wearing. I would work the Wall Street Journal. As soon as I watched, we're going for a walk. I could tell when I'd run up and follow the maid, and in those days, they left the keys in the door. So I would steal the keys out of the door. I was a professional, and I'd bring the fucking key back. I was crazy, right?

So there's one day I go into this room, and I go in the room, and there's a bag, a fucking bag. and I open it up and the Coke is in the middle and on the sides there's cash there's American cash and there's Colombian cash but the American cash looked like $20,000

the Colombian cash said millions, millionus and I'm like fuck this white money I'm taking the Colombian money so I take all the Colombian money I put in a bag I fucking carry that I take like a little bit of Coke like the asshole that I am because why robbed

the guy to pieces I already got them for three fucking milliones Columbia. I get back to the whole time room. I got rubber bands everywhere. I'm putting all this Columbia money together. I'm counting. I'm like Ed Norton, remember the time when they got the will? And they went the next morning and they brought the suitcase.

And he shows up with a suitcase to Rouse. And Ralph goes, what's the suitcase for? And he goes, I didn't think we want to carry home $30 million. And he goes, the small details in Rouse like this fucking idiot. He goes, why don't you go upstairs and cut $30 million and put in the suitcase and see if it fits? Norton looks at him. He goes,

he takes the money out. He had already counted the 30 million. This is how I felt. I had like $3 million in Colombian money. I'm calling my friends in Jersey. Bitch, bust out the blow. I will be there tomorrow with big fucking pockets. I got 3 million Colombian.

Even if it's 10%, I got $300,000. Even if it's 10% of the fucking money, I hire the biggest, blackest guy from the tenderline to walk me the next day. I put on a suit. I'm like, I tell the girlfriend, get the fucking first class tickets. We're going straight into Kennedy, bitch.

I get to the bank that opens up at nine. I'm there at 8.50 fucking nine with a bag of Colombian money because you got to go like the foreign banks where you change the money. This bitch, I look at her in the face and I go, I hope you brought cash to that. Because Papa's going to bust his fucking bank.

He's like, we have plenty of cash here. I couldn't even fit the money under the window. They had to get a guard to come and give him the suitcase full of fucking money. She's there for 20 minutes. Counting. I'm like, ooh. There was no cell phones.

I'm like, call bitches collect. We're buying the fucking plane. This lady looked at me and she owes $36. Now, count it again, motherfucker. Count it again. I was like Tony Montana and Scarface. Count it again. With $100,000

off and shit. Hey, did you ever cash? Remember those checks that used to get sent to my apartment? The guy who lived in my apartment before me when we first moved to L.A. ended up being Adam Sandler's production partner. Yeah. Right, Jack, Jira, or a pewdo or whatever, right?

His brother showed up to my show. So he used to get residual checks, and I was eating a meal a day, and I was living in one bedroom with three kids in the St. Bernardard. Like, we had no money. So I would get residual checks sent to me for like $25,000, and they would just stack up on my counter. Did you try to talk me into cash and some of those? Did you ever cash any of those?

No, I used to go to the improv and take the other comedian's checks. because at the improv you walk in and say you got a check for me and they go look in the box and you look in the box and you check would be their Diaz but like Rick Doberman he was a billionaire and he wouldn't collect a check and Drew Carey had like a thousand checks

I would just take Drew Carrey's checks and sign them and put them into Wells Fargo fuck it. They never figured it out Drew Carrey wasn't going to fucking figure it out you know hey sometimes you got to do what you got to do there used to be a gas station by Josh's house

Ravi Avi if it was It wasn't for him. I used to go in there every day. I would watch him, so he was outside pumping gas or helping somebody, and I would run in and take a pack of fucking cigarettes. Every day I did this when this guy. Just a pack of camel lights to get me going. I don't know what I'd do those years living in that fucking neighborhood there. I wouldn't know. We lived in a crazy building. They had a drug dealer in the building. Three drug dealers. A coke guy, a chick that would suck dick with no chin. She had big tits. She had big tits. Tremendous Tick, but she had no chin.

So you'd be all coke out of four in the morning. Julie, those tits are bagging. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Right, now, we were maybe a little... Joey used to crash on my couch a lot. This is when I knew we were a little maybe we needed to tighten up the ship a little bit.

Because I would say, we can't really do much coke in the apartment, the kids, right? So Joe used to sleep on my couch. So one morning, my son was still in diapers, maybe two years old, and he's running around, and he's going like this. I go, what are you doing? I just heard it go,

I go, what are you doing? He was running out and going, I got a toy, I got a toy, I got a toy, I go, what do you got? And I stop him. Joey, it slept on my couch, two bindles of Coke had dropped out on the couch.

My son had found him in the fucking cushion was running around and flapping him around the apartment. And I was like, Joey, we've got to tighten this ship up. I'm here, dude. Yeah. You think of your life. and this is what it comes down to. Hey, I appreciate you guys coming down.

Any questions? Any fucking questions? What's up? Beautiful. Why don't we do after this? I don't know. What 11 Lee schedule is. Taking him to the strip club.

I think there's a strip club on victory. Let's take him there. Unless there's one in Pasadena. All right, let's go. Let's take him the victory. And let's get him, let's get somebody, let's get a strip of the fart in his face tonight.

I just, Lee, we love you. These people love you, but you got to come out of your shell and you got to stop being such a nice guy. You know what I'm saying? Trust me, we love you. These people, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee. Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee. Let's go, fine, let's go.

We got to break out of your shell. We love you. We care for you. I ain't picking up. Any other questions? I do. No, Lee's out. Lee's out tonight, guys.

So wherever you, if there's a girl here and you're feeling generous tonight and you feel like really making somebody's day, if you feel like that hooker in Biloxi blues, remember? Hey, but no anal. No anal. Take care of my boy. Be gentle. I love you guys. One more time, Mr. Frank Fabiichi.

One more time, Josh Wolfe. One more time, the flying Jew.