The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - The Church Of What's Happening Now Live #04

Episode Date: August 1, 2013

We were lucky enough to have two very special guests at our fourth live podcast, MMA ref Herb Dean and comedian Felipe Esparza. Recorded live on 07/31/2013.

Oh shit, guys. What's up, guys? Thank you guys for waiting. We have a lot of you here, so I appreciate you bearing with us. If you've been here before, it's a little bit different. It's not a comedy show. I'm going to bring Joey up. He's going to talk to you. He's going to bring me up. And then we have a couple of really special guests who I can't thank enough for being here. So let's get it started. It's Joey Cocoa Diaz. What's happening? What's happening? What's happening? Thank you, thank you, thank you very much for coming up tonight.

You know, we do this podcast once a month, like a live podcast, just to give you a different fucking patois, you know what I'm saying? You're out of the house, we're like a little fan. We locked the door now. We lock this motherfucker. It's all over. Remember the Bronx tail? Remember that?

When Sunday came back, now you can't leave. Remember that shit? And the bike is all shit their fucking pants. Trust me. They all shit their fucking pants. They locked that now you can't leave. What the fuck? So I'm happy you came out from the bottom of my heart.

These things are fucking fun. In the corner, if you got a fart, hold it in. Because you'll kill that motherfucking area right there. They'll be sitting there. They can't breathe. They can't laugh. You ever have that? It's like going into the men's bathroom at the airport.

Like early in the morning when you're pissing, you can't take that tornado of ass. I swear to God, walking to the men's bathroom. Well, not you ladies. Fuck you've got your own fucking problems. But a men's bathroom, you walk in there, a good mood, you're flying, you go on the fucking Akron, Ohio for the weekend.

The state fair is there, shit's cracklecking, you know what I'm saying? You're going to eat some popcorn with white people with a little hat and a propeller. And all of a sudden you walk into the airport and you walk into the men's bathroom and it's like 22 asses that get into like a toilet, what do you call it, like hurricane fucking debt? And it just spins around, hurricane asshole. And there you are trying to pee and it hits you and you can't breathe. It takes the hot air right out of you.

You're holding your breath. You say, fuck washing my hands. I'm going out there with commando dick. Fuck it. You ever shake somebody's hand and you know you just had your dick in your hand? And you kind of giggle, like you giggle inside. You don't give a fuck. Fuck, I did that to a priest one time.

Fucked my mother's fucking. I was scratching my balls in church when I was kneeling down. Sometimes that's when you got to scratch sometimes. It's 7 in the morning. You get an itch. You know what I'm saying? So I put my hand in my pants and tried to scratch, and I'm like, I don't have any water.

There's no water at church, only the holy water. And then I ate the cookie, and afterward I shook his hand out. And I didn't figure, trust me, I didn't do it on purpose. As I was shaking his hand, I remember I'm giving him a ball hand. I hope he don't scratch his balls with that hand because then, you know, whatever. I know half of years a cat to get like, Joey, what the fuck? It's true.

You know, it could have been anybody. Sometimes you just scratch your hand. You people do it. You do it sometimes. You were walking a place there's no paper towels and go fuck it I'm not gonna wash my hands and you go out and you're hugging motherfuckers

all night wiping your fucking dick on their back and shit because we're men we're supposed to do that shit you know it's amazing it's 2013 the positiveness correct of mankind

what it is at this level you can't say nothing no more you can't say you don't want to do this think of fucking a caveman think if there was a Mexican caveman. What this mother... Think about it. If you're Mexican, think of a... You've been to your family reunions and you sat there

and said, what? How are these people related to me? How are they related to me? This motherfucker cannot be related to me. But then you think about the evolution. Like, there was cavemen in Mexico. Think of how they thought. But you can't think like that. Because people say you're fucked up. You get on the plane

and you're sitting there and you see a fat wife come on with like eight years. donuts, like a donut in each fucking finger. I'm talking to you, Pete, from the heart here. I see it all the time. Like a wife with like a fucking McDonald's super deluxe soda. Like three fucking yum yum donuts. With shorts, she's 5'8. You can see she has a pretty face, but everything just blew up to pieces. And then the husband's behind him. He's all skinny.

He's got the kid here bouncing him. He's got the carriage. He's like a fucking slave. Look at that motherfucker's face. Tell me that's his life ambition was to be on a plane with fucking milkshake carrying the baby. No, it wasn't supposed to be like that. If you go back to Old Mexico, it was a fat Mexican dude naked and shit.

And she's got eight kids and he's just whipping a bitch. Fucking. Why about that way? Tell me I'm bullshit. Tell me I'm fucking bullshit you. Fuck. You got to start thinking, you know, we got bullies now.

What the fuck is a bully? How can you go home and tell your mom I got bullied? How can you? This is 2013. How are you guys doing, all right? Thank you for coming in. Bad motherfucker. What's happening, baby? Everything? All right? Look at you guys.

Eating the fries tonight. You're going overboard tonight. Don't let Lee see those fucking things. Lee hasn't seen a French fry in three months. He's ready to choke a bitch. I drove past McDonald's. with Lee about a month ago. He had like a mask and like a stocking and shit. Lee's ready to fucking snack.

Lee'll take a McDonald's down solo. I can't wait. One day I'm a piece of helicopters and shit. We're going to Sherman Oaks. Hold on. Lee's got a fucking McDonald's fucking hell the captive. With a Rambo bazooka shooting everybody. Where's the fucking egg white fucking?

You like those egg white fucking McMuffins, don't you cock's sucker? I love them. I go there once a week on Thursday mornings. I get up. I don't have the podcast. I have the podcast Monday and Wednesday. I do you do breakfast with the wife and the kid. And I'll say, honey, I'm going to run out.

I wash my pussy about 6.15. I shoot over there. And I go over to like a fucking real hardcore McDonald's. People are lingering out there. Thank you for coughing, sir. Tremendous. Right in my fucking face. Thank God I'm taking Shroom tech immunity.

Fuck it. I don't care if you cough. I don't give a fuck. That means you're a real deal. Fuck these pocies. I did cardio today. I didn't... I only smoke a vapor. Go fuck yourself with a fucking faggot. Fucking cock suckers. You gotta come in here smoke papers, everything. I don't give a fuck. But I'm happy from the bottom of my heart. And half of you's a stone right now, aren't you?

Like half of your fucking... That's what I love about you. Like this is... Listen, guys. I'm 15. 50 years old, I'm telling you, all the other shit is bullshit. When I talk about drugs and all, yeah, it was a good time to end, snorting coke and eating a pill and eating Lucy Snorbush's pussy. Listen, that's not what it's all about. The best times of my life are fucking getting $25 worth of weed with three motherfuckers. Looking at everybody and going, we ain't going home to the bag of your dog.

Rolling eight joints and putting on Led Zeppelin, two, and breaking it down. You know what I'm saying? Breaking it down. Like, put it back. Put it back. one more time. Did you hear the cowbell? Did you hear the fucking cowbell?

I heard a fucking cowbell, cocksucker. Coming to the stage, my brother, the baddest fucking producer out there, the flying Jew, Mr. Louis Syed.

What's up, brother? Who eats egg white to McDonald's? You do, cocksucker. No, if I was going to go there, I'd go all out, get the fucking disc egg, whatever that is. Listen, sit out.

Anyway, McDonald's has an egg white fucking sandwich. Everybody got, nobody wants to get healthy. Everyone says, you ever have an egg water? It tastes like dick. All right, if you ain't eating the yolk, go fuck your mother.

You know what I'm saying? If you ain't eating the yolk, I don't know yet. Listen, when I was a kid the first time I discovered breaking the yolk with a piece of Italian. But look, you got a piece of Italian print this big, right? I say 18 inches. That's a loaf. That's on a piece. Shut up, cock sucker. 18 inches, and you take a whole stick of hotel bar butter.

Not a little tub because you're worried about your heart. and you break that stick in to that Italian bread. It's like two inches in flat of just butter. You cut that motherfucker in half, you have your mom make you a pound of bacon and three fucking eggs. And you take that Italian bread and break it in the fucking yolk.

You understand me? People don't know. That's what life is all about. Then you try to get healthy later on. You can't do that no more. And what do you drink? Fuck orange juice. A 64-ounce Coke.

With a big thing, ice cubes like a soldier right or wrong. You're fucking sweating as you're eating it, you shit. That's what breakfast is like. Now, I got to eat special caves and I got to eat fruit and fucking yogurt. You think cavemen

and fruit and fucking yogurt? Fuck, no, they eat like a leg and shit like like that. What do you eat for breakfast, Lee? I usually don't eat breakfast. This is what I'm talking about. I can't. How the fuck, aren't you hungry in the morning when you wake up? I got to be at work at 9.30, and it means I have to leave at 8 in the morning.

So I wake up and I leave. I shower the night before. You don't eat nothing. I can't. Like, you don't, listen, let's be honest with ourselves, okay? There's people who are thin and there's people who are little on the thick side. I'm on the thick side. Lees are on the thick side.

People on the thick side, we motivate ourselves with food. Absolutely. Like, as I'm falling asleep at night, right? Like, as I'm watching whatever at night, I got to go to bed. And right before I get up to go to bed, I got to motivate myself. So I'll say to myself, hmm, the quicker I get up and go to bed, the quicker I wake up, and I could go to fucking Mimi's

and kill that number fucking 11, staking eggs like a motherfucker with two pieces of bread and bacon. That's what motivates me to go to bed and sleep is to wake up. Because I know when I wake up, I'm going to roll out of bed, I'm going to pee. All right?

I'm going to fucking feed the cats. I'm going to press the button. Coffee's going to shoot. I'm gonna put that cancer sugar in it. Then I'm gonna go in my bedroom and I'm gonna roll a fucking joint as I'm putting movie on on Twitter. I don't give a fuck, guys.

If it's 455, and that's the time I get up and the coffee's made as I'm opening up the computer, the laptop, and I'm pressing in my code of debt and I put YouTube on. I'm rolling that fucking number. Whatever music I wake up to it, and I'm going to the bathroom.

As I'm peeing, as I'm peeing, whatever I hear, that's the first song, you motherfuckers are going to hear on Twitter. I don't give a fuck what the fuck it is. And right there is when I start my morning, I blast that number out. And right there is I'm blasting that number, I'm thinking how I'm going to eat the bacon.

Like, with my finger up is there? Like, do I either Sinatra style or like a half a fag with my hand all the way back? Like, fuck the car's junior girl. I'll teach you how to eat bacon like it's a fucking dick, you understand? What do you think?

Aren't you excited when you wake up in the morning? Because you know you're going to fucking. eat something? It's more for me. It's for like when I'm driving home. Like I'm like, oh shit, I have to be on the 405 for an hour. I'm like, fuck, I'll have Chinese food when I get home. It's like that's how when I do it. I don't do it when I wake up. I've never been a big breakfast guy,

which is part of the problem. But... So when you get on the 405, that's when you realize. Fuck. Yeah. And like, if I was going to fuck, like, rob any fast food, it wouldn't be McDonald's. It would be Wendy's. I would fucking destroy. I blow up Wendy's. All right. Let's pretend you broke into a fucking Wendy's.

What would you... Spicy chicken sandwich. How many? 18, I don't know. And that's it, no fries, no chilies, no. Of course they have fries. No, fuck chili. At Wendy's? Yeah, that chili's not bad.

Yes, it is. It's sitting in that pot all day. That's why. It's cooking, cocksuck, it's marinate. That's not cooking. It's marinating, you fuck. That's what it's supposed to do. I can't marinate chili.

Yes, you do. You just don't blow. beans in there and give them to your kids. Got to the beans and whatever kind of meat they use. Let me tell you something. Chilies is not bad if you're in a rush and you don't give a fuck about what your bathroom is going to look like in eight hours.

Okay, the other night I went out, I went to do comedy somewhere, and some nights you know you're going to go home and you can't. No, I'm going to be honest you, you motherfuckers. Sons of Anarchy was on FX, but then come on to one in the morning. That's savagery type shit. And they had

two episodes. That means I had a one. One. to two and two to three. I'm fucking on my 18th dream by two o'clock in the morning. But I sacrificed it for Sun's Anarchy. So I met two of my buddies, they go, you're hungry? And I'm like, you know what? I'll stall. Where do I go?

The only place to go in California, fucking Denny's. Now, I read an article in Denny's years ago in the New York Times about how they're switching their menu to help people. And they put the 246 menu. And I was very impressed by that. I couldn't believe in, you know, Southwest is the only that's not charging for bags, but you ever sit on a five-hour Southwest flight, it's

fucking murder, you understand me? You fucking squish there. Denny's just working with people. You know, you go in there and get fries with chili for $2. Let me tell you something. You guys are like, that's disgusting. When you're an American and you're fucking hungry, it's not a bad fucking deal. So, you know what?

If they're doing that for people, I don't see in and out lowering their fucking prices. I don't see McDonald's. Oh, well, they have the value and the special cancer package for you. They have the dollar menu, which is the cancer package. You just give them a dollar, and they give you cancer. They do. They give you like Ronald McDonald with a turban around his head. I swear to God, I mean, I ain't being funny.

I'm being honest with you, people. But at least Denny's is trying. I was very impressed with that. That if you're an American and you're out of work, you could take your kid to get French fries with chili on it for $2 or soda and not look like a fucking mutt and leave a tip for the people. You ever see a waitress that?

Denny. It's a different demand. It's like the twilight zone. If you haven't been to Denny's tonight, take an edible. Go to Denny's at like 1.30. Before the fucking bar people get out. Anyway, what are you doing when you go to Denny's? You're like, you know what? I ain't going to eat this shit. I'll have a milkshake. How bad can the fucking milkshake be? I have another shake. I sat there with my friends. We talked shit.

About 10 to 1. I went home. You know what? I still got up at 5 in the morning with diarrhea. Only fucking Denny's. I didn't have it. I had halibut but for dinner at like six o'clock that was fresh they just caught it my wife got it at the fucking farmer's market on Sunday so it wasn't the fish because I had it the night

before I would have diarrhea was the same fucking fish I just cooked it a day after it was still fracked was still flopping around it was still fucking moving in the bag it was the fucking milkshake gave you the shits even the fucking milk they have is bad at Denny's you know

and me I'm pushing for Denny's dog I'm rooting for fucking Denny's so I can tell you motherfuckers Denny's is a bad motherfucker if you're poor. If you've got no dough, you go to... And then the cheeseburger. I've had the cheeseburger. That ain't bad. Really? It's... The only thing you get at Denny's is breakfast.

That's only... And even that! I used to go to Denny's with my wife. Before, the bacon. Looks like it's sick. You go to a restaurant. The bacon is healthy. You buy... At Denny's, it's always like, you know... The sausage, as you're eating the sausage,

it ain't bad but it ain't good like you're like this ain't Jimmy Dean this is like his grandfather and shit fucking you know what

you know what the Denny's to go to is there's one on Sepulveda in Van Nuys that has a bar has a bar you can get alcohol at Denny's that's what I want

that's what I want a fucking hammered at Denny's good that's what I want getting a fucking hammered at Denny's now anybody who knows that area I don't even know and I know Sepovita

is a hook of fucking oh yeah right that's what you're you want to do is hang out. Denny's is like an all-time hooker fucking hangout. You know, I never picked up a hooker there, but I grabbed the hooker's pussy out of Denny's in Hollywood. I swear to God, she had bruises on her leg. She sat

next to me. I'm meeting at two in the morning. You're going to sit next to me. I don't know you. I'm going to grab something. What the fuck is wrong with you? You know what I'm saying? She looked at me like there's something wrong with me. Something wrong with me? Something wrong with you. You don't want to get a bruise on your fucking die. You know what I'm saying? Somebody Charlie hoars you after they fuck How bad of a piece of pussy are you when somebody Charlie horses here?

I'm the way. Fuck you, bitch. Here's your $12 and shit. Speaking of Charlie Horses, I got a great guest tonight. The first guy coming up. I got two great guests for you tonight. I mean, fucking, I didn't do it last month, so I had to make up to you guys. So I went out and got the best.

I'm like Tony Montana, you want the fucking best? I give you the fucking best, okay? And this guy, when it comes to you, when it comes to punches and everything he's one of the best as a matter of fact he is the best in the business how about a big round of applause for my brother mr herb dean where you at baby boy thank you my man what's happening baby oh man it's hot up here yeah it's nice no it ain't that bad though it's not that bad but it's it's gonna get hot this yeah it's gonna get hot so where you from originally right here pasadena you see that motherfuckers yeah pasadena you know it's so crazy when you come

out here unless if you're mexican you're from here and I don't mean to be disrespect. Like everybody else, and I'm from Connecticut. What the fuck? Nobody's from California. It's like being in Colorado. When you see a Mexican,

you know they grew up here. Like where you're from? You know, I just found out something interesting. My babysitter jumped the fence like 18 times. Before 1988. She used to live in Boston. She fly back to Guatemala

and then run up and jump the fucking fence and then take a flight from here to fucking, that's my little daughter's babysitter. Why? Why would she go back? Because she didn't want to get a, she had daughters in Guatemala. So she'd go to Boston and work for a year

and then take a plane back to Guatemala and then they'd throw her in jail for a month and then she'd fucking escape and then she'd go back to Boston and work for another year. So when you think you're having a fucking bad day, fuck you. All right, take her my girl and shit.

So you're from passing. From Pasadena. From Pasadena. Grew up here. Yeah. Love it. Went to high school, Blair. Damn.

Amazing. And how did you get into the whole fight game? You know what? I used to do karate. I've always done martial arts. Right there, there was Ed Parker's Kempo. And I used to train, I didn't train Kempo there, but I trained kickboxing. And one of the guys who was on the, like one of the sparring partners, he was in UFC1.

And so we started preparing for those type of events then. And, um, one of the guys. One thing led to another. I had a wrestling coach who was a referee. I used to help him out. And then I stuck. Started doing it. How long did you do that for?

See, I've been refereeing for, since around 98. I've been involved in the sport since the beginning since 94. I used to kickbox before that. So I've always done martial arts, yeah. Wow, so you've been involved in, I looked at the resume. You fucking reft everywhere. Like there's not a league you haven't... Oh yeah, I referee everything.

And some of like the greatest fight for you, to the UFC you've been there oh yeah yeah yeah yeah and you were like that the UFC out of the rest of the year the last three years I can't believe that yeah they have an award for me I was like they really appreciate you know every time every time there's a fight tell me I'm bullshit you guys every time there's a fight you know some Saturdays I'm blessed that I could watch the fight but there's some Saturdays I'm fucking working so I get off the stage I go to a computer I go on Yahoo or Google and you go on Yahoo and they show

the results and on the bottom Dana White blast Mazagati. You know, Mazagati is always getting fed to the fucking wolves, but it never says his name. It always has Dana congratulating him for doing it. And then when I read into it the last couple days, he's congratulated a couple, he's been happy that you've been there a couple times during a fight. Like I've read a couple times that he said in the press conferences. Yeah, yeah, you know, he really is vocal about appreciating the job I do. And let me tell you, it's not what I expect.

it as far as for being a referee. I was expecting, you know, and I have, I've been booed and I've had, you know, bottles and stuff thrown at me and whatnot, but I wasn't expecting all this, like people clapping when I get up and, you know, Dana White saying I'm the best in the business, you know,

it's great, but I'm trying not to get used to it because, because, you know, it could be bottles next week, you know. Are you going there sharper like a motherfucker before every fight? Oh, yeah, no, yeah. I take it serious, man. It's almost like my religion. It's sacred

to me. It's like people's, their lives, their dreams, their aspirations. Every fight is the most important fight of their life. They've made so many sacrifices to get in there and one mistake from a referee can crush their dreams but at the same time, one mistake can, some serious harm can come to

someone. So, you know, it's sacred. You know, there's one thing that always get contested in the U.S. that's the early stoppage. You know, and for the fucking 90,000 million people that haven't been hit, you're the motherfucking first motherfuckers that get up and say something. The people that have been hit know when it's time to fucking lay off. And sometimes, oh, it's an early

stoppage. I, you know, very seldom do I bitch about that because I've been hit. And you don't, you don't even want to be hit. You want them to stop right here. Like if he stops right here, I'm happy as a motherfucker. That's a great call, dog. You see it. You see my world ending, you're a fucking psychic. And that's one thing. Like, I've watched a bunch. Like, you're just sharp. Your shit's just on it.

What are you, is there the same ritual you do before every fight? No, you know, I refereed a lot of fights. I refereed thousands of fights. I get in there, I just make sure I go over what my job is, which is pretty simple. Make sure nobody takes any unnecessary injuries. And make sure I enforce the rules. And make sure I remember the rules and go in there and do it.

You know? Now, let's say you've got a guy that's a kickboxer and a guy that's a wrestler. Do you go in there with a different mind frame, or do you go in there the same with every fucking mind? Well, you know what, that's a good question. So, you know, you try to not base what you're doing on what you think you know about somebody. You know, everything should, you should just react to what you see by your criteria. But you know what? A kickboxer versus a wrestler, I probably will position myself on the wrestler side.

So when referees, when we're in there walking around doing this thing, we're trying to be, you know, have a nice angle towards the space between the fighters, so like a triangle. And I'll pick, you've got to pick one side unless they're mirror stance, then that's one open side. But usually you've got to pick one open side. I'll pick the side with the wrestler because he's usually going to draw the foul. He's going to change level when the kick comes and usually catch a foul.

So, yeah, I do do that one a little differently. One of the things I watch all the time, guys, this is just because I'm a sick fuck. is, you know, every once in a while I'm very lucky and I act. And when you act, you just don't act standing still. You got to walk into something or you got to, and they'll say right there is your mark. Where you're going to stop and then you're going to start again and take three steps. You know, but you always have to be aware of where the camera is. Very, you guys are fucking great at that shit.

Like, especially you. You do the last two fights. You usually do a couple early ones. Usually the motherfucking the last two fights. Yeah, I got lucky. I got to do the last two last time. You always, always, you're doing something towards the end, the big fights, the money fights. I mean, you know where the cameras are.

At every different arena, you know, you never stand in front of the, sometimes a ref, and these guys getting hit. You're like, move out of the fucking way. You know, these guys are great. Do you know? Well, yeah, you know, the UFC is pretty simple. They have the same setup just about all the time, except for now they have the boom camera. They took out that one front, and now they're using a boom to come in and do that. But yeah, I know where those cameras are

And it kind of, it's in the back of my mind Of course, there's some parts of my job That I got to do, hey, I don't care where the cameras are But if I can I mean, that's one of the things I'm here to do is People are not here to see me, you know, so I try to stay out of the way. I've been at fights where I've heard the fucking punch

And like, you hear it, dog. You hear the punch and your heart like goes, boom, and all of a sudden, let's say your normal person, it fucks with you. God forbid, you smoke pot or something where your mind starts running away with you, and all of a sudden your ribs start hurting and you can't breathe? Because I've been there. I have anxiety attacks.

I mean, do you know when a point, do you already know the sound? Like, one of the things is the Sylvia, whatever fight, Frank Me? Oh, yeah, Sylvia, Frank Meera. Frank Meera fight where he broke Sylvia's arm, you know? and maybe Tim Sylvia because the adrenaline, he didn't know what happened. You heard the motherfucking thing about. Yeah, I think he knew it happened.

He knew what happened. He did. Okay. He's just that tough. Okay. I asked him about it. Actually, I asked him about it afterwards. You know, I said, did you know your arm was broken? Because he, okay, if you guys don't know the story of it,

if you haven't seen that fight, the guy, one guy broke the guy's arm. The camera didn't catch it, and he wanted to continue fighting afterwards. I stopped the fight. Everyone was angry with me. And then Joe Rogan, he saved me. He found a replay, showed it. where the arm broke. But I talked to Tim Sylvia afterwards,

and I asked him, did you know your arm was broke? He says, yeah, yeah, I know it was broke. So, well, what was your plan? He says, well, I knew I had 45 seconds before the pain got real bad, so I was going to knock him out with my other hand. This is no joke. This is him straight from the hospital

with his arm in a cast. Yeah. You know, because you know. You just know. You know, when you talk to baseball guys, they'll say, even if they're looking at the fucking moon, they could know where that ball's going, just by the bang off the ball you know anybody watched the clinchishwood movie where he plays the

scout the end the movie gets saved because even though he's old he could hear that the kid can't whatever he can't bat he can't hit the curve that's what it was he heard it the same thing with you you hear certain things sometimes you know somebody gets hit in the fucking jaw and they're still standing that was a bomb i gotta watch this motherfucker you know you never know i mean i just watched What was the one when Raphael Levera got hit and he was still standing and all of a sudden he moved a little bit and he went down. I forget who hit him.

Who? Coach Swanson. Who? Coach Watson. Thank you. You're a savage. Fucking Joe Rogan Jr. over there and shit. I love it. I'm feeling kind of bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you very much, brother.

Thank you. Fucking encyclopedias. I love it. Now, these guys are beasts, man. Some of the, that's definitely one thing is I can't, I can't predict it on how hard the shot was. Because things that, these guys go through things that, you know, I'm like, fuck it, I'm done. That's enough. And these guys take hammers, man. Some of these guys get, I mean, just bombs dropped on them, and they just walk it off like it's nothing, you know?

You know, it's funny. I try to do as much as I can. I'm a fat fuck, guys. But I believe that you could be a healthy fat fuck sometimes. So I joined this movie Thai school, and I'm in there since November. I quit smoking, the baby was born. I still hit it twice a week. I like it because I can go either 10 o'clock, 2 o'clock,

6 o'clock, or 8 o'clock at night. I really dig it, you know? It's a walking distance from my house. I just never walked. People always tell you that it's walking distance, but there you are fucking driving. Where's a valet part? Anyway.

And it's weird that I've been going lately, and I never had a problem there. In the last month, I've had these kids that think they want to be fighters, You know what I'm saying? They got the bad boy shorts on and the nice gloves and the tight, what do you call them, rash guards? And they got gel in their hair.

And I asked the one guy, I go, you want to be a, you're a fighter? He's like, oh, no, I'm a school teacher or some shit. I'm like, what the fuck? And the other mook was rubbing the fucking tie juice on his arms. I'm like, what do you do? He's like, I'm a nurse. Really?

With the fucking tie juice and all this shit? I mean, you know. they get kicked in the head. It's funny that the UFC is great, but at the same time you're getting these... Like when I was a kid, my big thing was Batman. Once I saw the Green Hornet fuck up Batman, that's it.

That was it, guys. Fuck boxing. I was going to be the next Bruce Lee. I joined the karate school, because that was it. Can you imagine now with the UFC how many people think they want to be fighters? Oh yeah. It's terrible guys.

And it's a horrible situation to think you want to do something and to get clocked in the fucking head where you see stars and moons and no more. And then people say, well, when is your next fight? And you just can't say it. You're sick to your stomach. You don't want to say it. And now you've got to fight. Now you've got to fight.

And you just want to get beat up to the career ends. It's a terrible thing to get involved in if you really don't. If your heart's not really into it. Yeah. It's amazing how many people now. This is inspiring to fight. But it's inspiring to fight maybe for the wrong reason. Yeah, actually, they all show up at my referee school.

They show up and want to be referees, you know. After they get beat up? No, no, before. They're smart enough to know beforehand. Like, I don't want to get punched, but it's a good place to be. I want to be in there somehow, but not getting punched. And so they want to be referees. And so they show up at my referee school.

And they have the shorts on, you know, walking around the city with the tight shorts on. Yeah, yeah. It's like that mere commercial. When the guy comes in, he's doing flying psychics and shit. He throws the kick, the guy, Cacks him, boom, knocks him out and shit. He goes down. You remember the first time he got punched hard

that said, what the fuck is going on with me? Oh, yeah, yeah. What was the first time he got punched, real fucking hard? Okay, the first time I got punched hard was some older kids from him to my junior high, and I think they were jumping some kid or whatever that they were about to. And then I didn't even know I got punched.

I just remember I was on one side of the street, street and then I was on the other side of the street. And I looked over there and this guy was like, yeah. He was congratulating himself. Yeah. Did you, after you? Oh, of course. No, yeah.

I went over there and I, you know, I handled mine. But yeah, that, that was a very different experience for me. The first time I got fucking hit real hard, Herb Dean, was a goju karate class. It was a black school. In fact, the son is Renato Lorenzo. Eddie Bravo's Blackbelt is the son. The father's name was Mr. Orange.

This is 1970, guys. I'm seven fucking years old. I'm a rotten Cuban kid. I got no dad. My mom's spoiling me. I think I'm fucking Bruce Lee in heat. The maid made me... Not the maid.

We had no maid. The babysitter made me turn off a Y-5-0. Not the shit you watch now. But the original? And I hit her in the head with a shoehorn. And my mother was like, you need control, you need some.

And at that time, I had some brawls in the building. I fought this Haitian kid, Rudy. And I had him, and his father got in, and the kid hit me. And then my mother chased him with a knife. I had that beat. And then I had another bra in the building. I forget what that one was. So my mother, I said, it's time for you to join Karai.

It was 1970. 171 came, and Fist of Fury was out. Everybody. That's it. Guys, it was over in this country. I was a young kid. I didn't know the language. I lost my fucking mind.

I was in Chinatown buying karate shoes. A fucking suit. When Bruce Lee died, that was traumatizing for me. Traumatizing. But in those days, there wasn't no jujitsu. There wasn't no fucking nothing. There was two things. It was like karate and karate.

You want to taekwondo? You had to go to Long Island and shit. There was no jujitsu, it was karate, a little bit of kung fu in Chinatown, but for the most part, where I live, it was black dudes teaching fucking old, the black geese with the fist that said goju and the whole fucking thing. And you went in there, there was... About the movie, fighting black kings, right?

Which one? You see the movie where the movie about the dudes in the karate schools from New York, the black dudes went over to fight in the Japanese school? No. You got to watch the movie, Fighting Black Kings. Well, the big guy out here that has a disciple, sir, Moses Powell, the big chubby brother that was throwing

motherfuckers around like you just come in there, he'd be like eating and you go in his karate school in Harlem he'd just fucking throw you around. But anyway, that's a complete different story. Vinny was one of his students and this was, I walked in there and I made it to like Greenbelt.

And at the end of the, this guy used to, this is how different karate was then. This motherfucker would make us run around Central Park with our geese on. Barefoot motherfuckers. In the winter. In the fucking winter. Barefoot.

You know how embarrassing it is to run past your homies with a karate uniform on? And then have to see them the next day at school and they're like, there he is. Fucking, fucking Bruce Loy, there he is. And now they start. No, it was different, dog. This black dude would make us run

and this fucking with black geez on. And there was 40 students. Three of us were white. One Puerto Rican dude, I was Cuban, and like a real Irish dude that was crazy. But everybody else was black with the afros. And at the end of the class, he teaches you a technique, you stretch. In those days, it was two-hour classes.

It was 3.30 to 5.30, and the motherfucker checked your report card. Oh, yeah. You had to have fucking bees to go to this motherfucker's class. Or he whipped you with a fucking paddle, and your mama would go outside. It was like fucking, what was that movie with Denzel? Backwards. He'd be whipping fucking. white kids oh no no no you better gonna be motherfucker for black so he liked me I was

doing a form and stuff and I had a spar and it was uh in those days you had to go to tournaments and it wasn't full contact it was semi so it was the neck to the stomach and that's it and if you kick the groin you got the motor the point and the head you got thrown on and this fucking guy kicked me in the fucking stomach you know I didn't know what it was called I was skinny then I was just a year young fucking Cuban kid, he kicked me in the fucking stomach. The wing got knocked out of me. That's the worst thing ever.

I remember going home and putting the fucking geek all the way away in the closet. Was he not putting a hamper? No need to. I ain't going back there. Let's try ballet. Fuck it. And I remember she walked me back there.

That was the first time. I doubted myself. And my mom goes, nothing, you're alive. So what, they knocked you out? Look for the kid today. And just kick him in the fucking stomach. That's it. That's America.

Fuck are you kidding. Getting bullied. Can you believe this shit? So what else is cracking the dog? What's the next fight you got? Okay, tomorrow I leave for Brazil, Rio. Yeah. UFC and Rio is good.

Jose Alto, Korean zombie. Damn. Yeah. I was just going to ask you, especially for you, Joey, and the next guest, you guys won a big stadiums, especially Brazil. What does it like when you go in tens of thousands of people cheering?

Does it fuck with you at all, or are you at this point just it doesn't matter? You know, most of the time, you know, every now and then it reminds me, you know, there's a lot of people watching this. You better focus in. Brazil is a little intense because, I mean, the fans, the crowd is intense in Brazil. I like the Brazilian fans because, I mean, they know the whole thing. Like, everything, you know, Bruce Buffer, the announcer? Yeah, of course.

Everything he says, they say it right on time with him. In English, the whole stadium. So, like, the first time Bruce saw, I mean, like, he's. He's getting all misty. Like, they know everything I say, right? Yeah. So that was cool. And it's a little intense.

I mean, they grab you for the pictures. I mean, they're like, yeah. And what is it like, does it slow down? Because it's so fast, like they play replays sometimes. Like, I didn't see that at all. And like, you and all the other refs usually, like, see it. Like, does it slow down?

Like, it seems like you would have to at some point. Because it's going to. I think you're in a moment. I mean, you're right there. So yeah, you have the adrenaline where things are slowing down for you also. Yeah. And so, yeah.

I mean, it's sometimes it looks, you know, we live by that replay. So if you ever watch us, as soon as we stop something, we're looking up at it. Oh, you look at it. Oh, yeah, we're up there. That's, yeah. That's awesome. When you're in there with these guys fighting, your heart's pumping. Oh, yeah.

You're fucking heart's pumping. You're right there. Especially with heavyweights. Yeah. Really? Yeah, with the heavyweights, because you know in just an instant something can change, yeah. I don't know, man. That shit's fucking crazy.

I'll stick to this shit, but. That's a tough, but I like what you do. I mean, you know, it's amazing. Like I said, it's amazing that they all get tortured. You know, you don't see Big John no more. Mazagotti, you know, they kind of like the French guy. That's brutal with Mazegotti. Yeah, they're brutal with Mazagotti.

But they torture the French guy, too. What's the... Eve Levine. I remember I was on a fight one time, and it was like one of those second or third fights when there's nobody in there. You know, and all of a sudden they're like, the ref, Steve Levine. And then he was like, Eve Levine, fuck you! Like, how the fuck do you feel after that?

And you got to stand there and take it. Like, fuck you. Okay, you know, fight. What the fuck? Like, you really like to just call time. I go, fuck you too. Fuck you, man. No.

You ever feel like somebody says something and you want to jump that fucking cage? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, sometimes. I don't know. Most of the time it's like, yeah, well, but sometimes it's like, you want to tell your friends, like, could you go find that guy? I don't know one time I went and these guys were going crazy.

And they had this banner that says, we want to party with Joe Rogan, right? And they fucking were going nuts. They were going nuts that whole area. And I'm sitting there looking at this. And afterward, Joe's like, what were they yelling about? And I go, you have no fucking idea that they had a banner that said, we want to party with Joe Rogan. That poor guy, you're so involved.

I thought that he's looking around too when you guys, there was something that happened in New Jersey where some chick was yelling. Somebody was fighting and she kept yelling from the stands. And this area was going to fucking kill her. I mean, it's fucking, it gets crazy. And the places that you go to some times you think they're going to be crazy, they're cool.

Then the places that's supposed to be cool are fucking crazy. And you guys don't see it. I'm in the stands all the fucking time. It's different in the stands. Yeah, it's tremendous. It's tremendous. And the farther away, the better.

You know, the farther away, the better. And I got pros and cons for that. I've sat in all three fucking sections. And the middle seat, if you guys go to a UFC, get the middle seat because you're always going to be looking up anyway. Trust me, you're always going to be looking up at the banner. It's so fast. When you go to a live fight and you watch what these guys do

is when you realize you're like, what the fuck? You know, I can't wait until they have it in 3D for like an extra $9,000. You get like UFC 3D and they shoot blood in your face. How good would that be like fucking. What's the future for her? When's the next camp? You do a referee camp. Yeah, yeah.

The next one's going to be November 8th and 9th, November 8th to 9th, right here in Pasadena. We do it at my gym, the Fight Academy. So listen, guys, all family here is dark. If you're getting tired again, let's say you go to the beach and somebody throws sand in your face. You're getting tired of it. You don't want to do push-ups and sweat. Go to Herb Dean's camp, and you learn how to fucking do this right.

From the other side. You never know. You never know until you go. You might like it. You're sick and tired of getting bit slapped. You know, being in the gym with balls on your face. You're in that position, and that ass is there, and you're trying to sweep a motherfucker?

You imagine, I'm going to sweep him. I'm going to stab him. What fucking sweep him? He's got his ass right in my fucking face. You're holding him up and shit. And if I'm jiu-jitsuing with you and my ass is in your face, that's all I'm going for at that point. I'm not even going for anything else.

Fuck it. I'm just to go backwards and land. Stick around because this guy's a fan. Coming up, my brother, the last comic standing winner right here from fucking somewhere in California. My brother, Mr. Felipe Sparza. Oh shit. It's going to get good like a month.

The other fucking here now. What's up, food? What's happening, baby? Yeah, baby. What's up, baby? What's up, man? I'm happy to see you. I'm happy you're here.

This is a first for you. Tell the people why it's a homecoming for you to come in the ice house. Oh, um... They never book me here. Unless it's Taco Tuesday. Refere Friday. Slap your mama Wednesday's a black show. No love.

I just got back from El Paso, Texas. Oh shit. Chico's tacos. It was funny, man. Like, from my hotel room, you know, I got the bad side. I was staring at Mexico every morning. It was, man. I was like, oh, man, I'm gonna get kidnapped.

Oh, man, I'm gonna kidnap. Yeah, man. Oh, you know, it's funny, man, I was partying with you. I'm Mexican, you know. So sometimes I parted with a lot of Mexicans all the time, But sometimes, you know, I'm with a Mexican. He takes out his T-shirt, you know. I'm more Mexicans than you, puto.

And they want to fight, you know, so I had him deported, man. Yeah. I say, oh, well, there's a guy washing my truck. Yeah, man, they want to party. Give me coke and shit. This time you're cleaning soap a dog. Fuck, yeah. I went straight to my room, man.

You even... And if you were to do cocaine, it would be gluten-free. Vegetarian cocaine. Have to be vegan, man. Can you imagine that shit? Vegan, cocaine? Like, that's the next level. Fucking organic tweakers and shit.

They don't smell like garlic. They smell like corn and shit like that. Have a pipe on one hand, a young coconut on the other hand? Fucking amazing, man. El Paso, when you just say El Paso, I get like goosebumps. Herb Dean, I used to cause a lot of drama. Fucking El Paso. It's right there.

It's the mouth of... It's the mouth of the... And the Coke is the purest, too, because it just came from Mexico. It's the Mount of El. And they... And her dean, I was younger then. And I go there, I go to El Paso every six weeks. And they had a condo. And you know what? People would knock on the fucking door. People would knock and go, how you doing? I'm a drug dealer. You need anything? The ring a bag and a water burger.

The last two guys, yeah. The last two guys bought drugs from me. I was just knocking on the fucking doors. There was like two to, like... Texas is a complete different dimension. when you first go to it. Like right now I have regrets in my life. I didn't join the Marines and represent the country. I didn't go to fucking college in Texas. I fucked around in Colorado like some skier. If I would have gone to Texas after Jersey,

I would have been like Montana. Remember when he said I would have had my own boat, my own golf course? I would have had everything in Texas. Texas is fucking crazy guys. When you first go there as a comic, your career goes from, not career, your party career.

Like, let's say you're like, yeah, I got cousins, and they let me snort glue one time. Once you go to Texas, all bets are fucking off. Like, it's a complete different. Like, you go to a comedy club, and sometimes they go, listen, when I get to the club, I need weed. And they go, well, you can be careful in Jacksonville, you know. You got to ask, like, a waitress, and she'll say, what the fuck is wrong with you? And then she'll get you, like, a waitress that's been beat up. You can tell.

You know, she'll like, what kind of weed do you want? and you've got to drive it to a mother's house who's got four kids, and they've got to drop one of the kids off, and you've got to drive to Orlando, to Disneyland, and then the fucking pick up the weed. You know, when you go to Houston, you can walk in right after the first show,

the Thursday night, somebody will come up to you, whether the owner sends him to you. It'll usually be a Mexican dude with like a tattoo and a beard, and the fucking, he'll come up to the way. A lazy eye. And it's like, what do you need? And you're like, what are you talking about? What do you want?

Heroin, Coke. pills, jacuzzis, you know. And that's Texas guy. That's fucking Texas. You know, and at the first hotel they put you in in Houston, people would not, if all you had to do was go to the

hallway at 2.15. You were going to meet like a runway chick that came in, somebody dropped her off. You'd meet somebody to mingle with. You know what I'm saying? Somebody, you can knock on doors and get beers. I hadn't seen things growing up, but I had never seen how crazy the party scene was.

so I went to Texas. El Paso's to a different fucking level. Dude, the guy at the front desk, he was checking me to the club. He goes, hey, homie, whatever you need, just ask me. So he delivered, like, some weed to my hotel room.

And, man, the second time, that shit was light, homie. I mean, light. It was like $60 for an eighth, but it was like a gram and a half. I was looking for a supervisor. Fuck that, man. I gave him a fuck.

you on Yelp, man. That shit was light. And normally I don't complain, man, but that shit was light, big dog. I'm going to tell you guys. Light. I'm going to tell you guys. I'm watching half of them in a quarry, though, but that was cool.

I'm going to tell you guys something. You know, I don't know if you know anything about me. I've been in some trouble and stuff like that, and I've gone to some dark places. I'm going to tell you some, all my life, I couldn't wait to go to Mexico. I was always scared that I would go to Mexico. I would just disappear.

I saw all the movies. You know, when you're a Cuban kid, you have nobody to look up to Rick Ricardo. New Diamond Finnard. When I came here, that's it. You know, but you see fucking, what's the guy that I like? The guy that played fucking revenge.

He played the Mexican that beats up Kevin Costler's girlfriend and leaves her blind and fucks her and shoots her with, like, dead sperm and shit. I mean, Anthony Quinn. You know, Anthony Quinn was my fucking idol. Once I found out he was

Mexican my mind almost fucking exploded he played he played kneel to approach in the fucking gadi movie that was as long as he could fucking act I thought I had a shot you know I thought I had a fucking shot guys I mean and then I watched fools rush in no I watched a blah blah blah blah blah right I watch the bomb right and there's that scene the bomb when they go to Mexico in that village and the grandmother cooks the tamales and shit once I saw that guys I was done I go if I go to Mexico I ain't coming back Because why?

I'm going to get a little fucking tent. And one of those little Mexican women to flip cards and look into my future, don't go out today. Fuck it. I ain't. Stay home and smoke weed. Fuck it.

That's what I was thinking. You must be a psychic, O'Ela. I love La Bamba, man. Issa Morales kicks the ass in that movie. But I go to El Paso. We go to Opaso as feature acts. Joey Medina was booking the club

for $300 to go to Opaso. The plane ticket was $2.80. So you made $20 or you took a bus for $35 from L.A. That left at 11 o'clock at night. You pick it up on 5th and Maine. Right downtown. And he got there in the afternoon the next day. You had two of them.

They show movies in that movie. You had trailways, which was the white bus. People were nice. You got a ticket. You made stops. Then you had the Mexican bus. That they had videos in Spanish. They stopped where they want to fucking stop.

You understand? They'll pick your food for this. Oh yeah, they don't fuck around. They don't fuck around. I made the mistake because it was it was 109 for trailways but like 35 round trip for Viva Mexico Airlines and shit.

It's funny, like if you catch a Mexican bus to go to Colorado, it goes to Alpastal first. Go to Wichita, Wyoming, then goes to Colorado. Guys, you want to go on a fucking journey. Fuck all these pussies. Go on a cruise ship. Listen, eat like a pot cookie and take one of those,

take one of those Mexican buses to El Paso. Just take the joint. Bring your little fucking half a fat camera with you. And you know what? On like the third stop, you can bail. You don't have to stay on the bus the whole way. But you're going to see what living's all about. You're going to see what rocket is all about.

Fuck your plans. You're going to see the immigration, walking the bus with a dog, waking people love. Who was the first person you went to El Paso, Texas, I was by myself. I took the Greyhound bus. 70 bucks round trip with Ben Creed and some other

comrade I forgot a name. I took it with this black dude that was supposed to be clean and sober. I swear to God. The whole time I met him, hey, A, A, A, A, A, A. We get down to the house, it's right? So I'm like, looking at this guy. I'm like, you're snowing Coke now, man.

I haven't done it. All right, no worry. It's 4th of July week, so I go down there, sure enough, like by the second night, I mean, this is the first condo I stayed at. And I'm not kidding you, that's the first time people knocked on the fucking door. Like you got up at four, and there was like four people that were ready to party. They're like, yeah, we partied here last week. And you're like, listen, I got to get up at 6th of the radio.

This is crazy, guys. Like, the second night, finally, I got a package, and I couldn't believe how good it was, and I couldn't believe how cheap it was. I was all fucked up then. So what do I do on that? The last show was on Saturday. I bought an eight ball for like $53. This is 1998.

The guy gave me a slab. I broke it in half and I hit the one piece outside because I know I'd be too paranoid to go outside and get the other piece. I did it, I stayed in, slept, and the next afternoon I went to the bus with this rock or coke. I'm going, fuck all these people, immigration. Nobody's gonna pull me over on the bus.

Fuck these cock suckers. I get on the bus. I do a blast and I'm off from running. I get on there with a shirt and like a wife beater. And next thing you know, I had the shirt off and I had the wife beat on. I'm back of the butt. My legs are moving.

I'm acting all fucked up. And after about two hours, I'm blasting in the back. Like a savage. And after like two hours, well, sure enough. Fucking gets pulled over. Three fucking cop cars. And I got this slab of coke.

Now I'm old school I've dumped a bunch of coke in my life Let me tell you something You want to feel shitty about yourself Dump coke and then get to be a Dry run You get pissed off of yourself Why did I dump it?

I wasn't dumping this I decided to snort it all Like a soldier I was in the back of the fucking bus I had time I just crushed that motherfucking rock up They had the dogs out there Roof! Roof!

I took that and I had the bathroom right here so I could flush and I took that motherfucker fucking line and I did that whole fucking rock and I flushed that motherfucker hey you get out of the bathroom I was in the bathroom when you came I had to finish and I sat there sweating fucking profusely paranoid the jaw was going I had to hold it in place you ever got to get you got to get it look like the jaw with like a missusely thing too. You're like Jeff Dunner with no puppets. Oh, fuck. You ever go to Texas?

You ever go to Texas, Herb Dean? Yeah, yeah, I've been to Texas. You've got any good experiences in Texas? I've had a lot of, nothing like those. No, no, no, no. Yeah, but, yeah, I've had some good experiences in Texas. Were you there for Houston? For St. Pierre, Matt Serra, that fight?

No, you know, I wasn't there for that one. But I've been there for a bunch of different fights. Dallas. Dallas is good. Vito Belfour. Yeah, you know, it's all a blur. Rich Franklin in one of those guys? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've been there. Yo, Encyclopedia man over there. Don't just sit there, you fuck, you're all in one. I've been to Alabama for fights. That's fine. Yeah, yeah. I've never been to Alabama. That was before it was legal.

Yeah. I would go there to referee fights for a butter bean. Right, right, buttery. He would promote fights. Yeah, yeah. I refereed midgets once. Where was butter bean today? Probably in Alabama, I'm sure.

Cooking a pool pork sandwiches, that's what he does. He can fucking hit hard. Yeah, you know what the thing about him is he's fearless. That's why he can fight so good because he, you know, he has no neck so you can't knock him out. So he has nothing to be afraid of. Can't choke him. Yeah. Yeah.

You know, when I was young, I could take a punch. And then there was a couple of years there, I'm like, I don't want to get punched no more. That's just not my business. It really sucks. It really fucking sucks. I got my nose broken the first time, like in the sixth grade. It sucked. A straight punch, blood everywhere and shit, it sucked.

I got sucked in the ear, like in seventh grade, but some fat got got chie. Like, I don't know what got was, you know, a little Mexican kid just got here. I thought Hey, who died, eh? She said your fucking mom. Oh, shit. My first fighting movie, though, for real, when I first started like it,

fighting was cleanies wood and everywhere's way but loose. Oh, that's a good movie. That's real, right? That's real backyard fighting, huh? Yeah, yeah. People did it like that, right, back then? Yeah, I think so.

I think so. Kimball? Kimball. Kimball slice? Kimball slice. What? That's here, but you just kicked in, Joey, right? No, I'm sorry, though.

The fucking Lee gave me a Cheebo Chew. I gave him a too. How you feeling, Lee? I haven't talked for the past half an hour, have I? Because you're high, or we haven't let you? Because I'm high. He takes off, he says, all right, have a little piece. He drips half of it off.

He's like, here. And then 20 minutes later, he's like, I didn't see you eat it. I'm going to give you another piece. I didn't see him mean it. I can't do business with this guy. He's on the cover. Oh, fuck. I got a question for Felipe.

What's up? I just started dating a Mexican girl, and I just met her mother. Do you have any advice for me? Because they're like, she doesn't speak English, so it freaked me out. You're going to be the co-signer of the whole house, bro.

I told them that probably... They're going to love you more than any other guy she dated, bro. I'm telling you. To her, she made it, man. Yep. I mean, yeah, man. It's over. They look at her and now behind your back,

pinchy homeowner, future. It's over. They're going to jumpy way, bro. They cooked for them and shit. They gave them fresh tortillas, homemade. Hell, yeah. They fucking gave him meat to go. That's what the fucking mother-in-law does.

For you fucking chicks that can't get a husband, you hear this shit. On the first date, the mother made a nine-course meal for this kid. doesn't even speak the fucking language and here's where it gets better game of box of shit to go cock suckers damn this kid came up here we ate outside of the car like savages we're putting the meat into the fucking tortillas like savages

but you that's it don't break your heart bro how fast did it take you to fall in love how many nights how many nights how many nights how many two I remember guys I remember going over there and I can see the thing from ear to ear. And I go, what's up? I was talking to him in some way he goes, I have a girlfriend now. You know, I'm like, when did this happen?

Lee, I'm telling you. I started date there. You bad motherfucker. Where does you live at? Inglewood. Inglewood? Oh, shit. I always worry about him, guys. A nice taco truck in England. I worry he's going to call me. Joey, come get me. They tied me up.

They took my car. I'm naked. They put a swat stick on my back. They farted in my face. I can't believe. You put an egg on my chest. Oh, my God. So I'm happy for you, Lee. I really am.

Thanks, buddy. You're 25. You're a handsome, bad motherfucker. You're a moble. Look at you. You savage, you. No strip club for Lee. He's done.

He don't want to go nowhere no more. He's in love, guys. You know what the problem is? Let me tell you some. Lee is a sweet guy. They don't even make him like this motherfucker no more. For you ladies that don't want to cheat her, there he is. That's the guy right there. Dump your fucking boyfriend, put that little pussy in his face

and watch this motherfucker melt. You're all fucked up. That's a catch right there, Lee, so get his Facebook address and work on it now. You never know. Maybe he'll break up with the girl and you slip right in and shit. Next thing you know you're at work singing Alia songs and shit. What else, gentlemen? What's happening, Herb Dean? What's next?

You're going to fucking Brazil. Then you come back. So that's August 3rd. And then August 17th, you go to Boston. I go to Boston. And that's Cheosunnen, Rua Ninja, Shogun. That's a very good card. And then the next card is Milwaukee.

Milwaukee. Before that, I go to Indiana. They do something in Indiana. No shit. Yeah, yeah. Indianapolis. I'm not sure who was on the... a car but they have a UFC fighting out on Wednesday so I stay out there and go to Milwaukee earlier yeah that's cool so you got a night you're like us you travel I

yeah I'm on like a little mini tour we've been on flights yeah yeah yeah yeah it's fucking crazy who do you see at the airports and stuff like that who's the craziest person you saw at airport oh what's his name the Hedgehog Ron Jeremy I always see him I always see him you always see him at a really At Burbank, yeah. Damn. You imagine getting on a plane with him, you start looking at him getting all paranoid and shit.

This might be the fucking flight that goes down. Especially the last two weeks. Flights have been going down, so you've got to worry now, but usually when flights go down, I go, fuck it. He's leaving tomorrow. Why are you saying this? I'm leaving Friday.

I'm going to fight. I'm going to different. Yeah, it doesn't. What tough is now? What are you there? Joey asked me something on the podcast the other day, And since you're like such a big fan, what do you think about

performance-enhancing drugs? Like, is it... Are you against it for it? Especially, in baseball, it's a little weirder because it's just hitting and it's not... But what do you think about it in fighting? Well, okay, well, it's against the rules right now, and so...

I'm not just weed, but anything. Oh, I wasn't even thinking about weed. I was thinking about the... Performance-enhancing, I was thinking about... I was thinking about, you know, steroids and stuff like that. Yeah, well, I think we want 11th playing field, so we don't want people on steroids, unless everyone's going to be on steroids. That'll be interesting.

Yeah, man, he just ripped that guy's throat off. I mean, listen, man. Is it really true that what's his name is out of baseball, Alex Rodriguez? Not yet. Almost. I've seen fucking the kid. You know what I've seen tonight, guys? I've seen the ultimate kiss of death.

And I gotta tell you something. I love being Cuban. I love the struggle. I love that we're in Godfather 2. You know, fuck Scarface. Godfather 2 is bad to the bone. Jose Conceco is an embarrassment. But I thought by now he would have been shot

in the fucking head. He really is. And tonight he wrote on there on Twitter. Somebody retweeted it and I saw it. And I had to fucking almost shoot myself. It wrote that hour. Rodriguez take that bitch tits or something like that what the fuck is wrong with this guy you know I don't know about sports I know that they're all gonna I know that some guy got

caught and he lied Ryan Blan whatever now people defending them or whatever I know they have like 60 people that are gonna get caught whatever what the fuck brought baseball back steroids you know so you sit there and you go what the fuck I'm gonna go to the people that brought it back i go out to the fucking rats you know they do you're the day i went to the i'm not trying to be funny here i'm just trying to be honest with you people the other day i went to the the heart doctor i did i you know why because he's got the best magazine selection but this motherfucker had an old magazine and he had that good looking black dude and it says the first NBA uh the first gay man in sports and you know and it's right there and i remember when

came out and this is how I think. I'm like, this guy, everybody's happy from me. Now they don't know. Nobody wants to be his teammate. That's just the way it is. Next season. Let's fucking see it. The torture this guy's going to get in the fucking locker room. What do you think the NBA is going to give him his own fucking locker room guys? What do you think?

Fucking black dudes are going to sit in there from the fucking ghetto. You understand me? These guys don't know nothing and they're going to be in a locker room with a fucking gay dude. You're going to start hearing complaint. What are you going to hear then? What the fuck you're going to hear then? Don't look at me. You guys know what I'm talking about? It's amazing

what you see and what you really see. I remember when Ricky Williams got traded from fucking New Orleans in the heart of his career. That was the first accusation that he was dressing up like Batman on the fucking weekends. And going, that was the first accusation and where'd they ship him off to fucking Miami

where he dressed like Batman and Superman together. And then he went fucking nuts. They always sing it to Miami. I don't know. I don't even know what I'm going. I'm sorry. I should never eat a Cheebo Chew fucking cock sucker. It's just amazing what you see in sports

and what they want you to fucking perceive. You know, I can see like with the UFC. Listen guys, how many of you guys in the audience? This might be 90 you motherfuckers. How many of you guys really go to the gym three times a week and sit there for an hour and a half? An hour and a half, not go, and with your fucking cell phone in your pocket

and call your bitch and through an I, YouTube video. I'm talking, go in there, raw, Nothing, an hour and a half, three times a week. Unless you're 20, you've got to be fucking sore. Think about learning three disciplines a fucking week. Think about going for it or not. Three hours of jiu-jitsu, three hours of kickboxing, three hours of wrestling, two days of conditioning, 19 hours of fuck.

Think about it, guys. How much recovery do you have? So now they have drugs that help you recover a little bit. That you're recovering eight fucking hours. Think about, you know, unless you walk in those shoes, the fan always says, fuck it's ruining sports or whatever the fuck it's ruining we don't know that side of the fence i walk to the park with the baby in the morning i'm fucking saw you know i go around the fucking loop north hollywood two times back and forth to the house i got to stop by yum yum donuts and even then

you know i'm still a little fucking out of it you follow me i can't imagine these guys three disciplines three disciplines they got to tie it all together and then do strength and conditioning and pray to god they don't pull a muscle or something or something or something somebody bumps into them in jujitsu or somebody, you know what I'm saying, guys, or you tear a bicep. So, I don't know. I always, when it comes to that shit, I have nothing to fucking say. I did blow for 30 years. You don't want to hear what I mean.

My opinion don't count. Maybe they have really good diets. I think that's what they say. What's that? Maybe they have a really good diet, you know, take good care of themselves. Me or them? Them, them. That's how they're able to do that through their nutrition.

I would take steroids to get funnier You do, you smoke marijuana I think I saw you take those You smoke marijuana That's a not That's a, you know, if you piss, listen If you piss dirty in the UFC Like our friend Pat Healy

Who's gonna be on the podcast in Portland You're gonna come up hot And the Nevada's in the pool Or one of the Diaz brothers Came up hot They're gonna pull your license Some of us that smoke dope Say you know whatever

I don't know I know sometimes you ever go to the gym and you're not stoned this is a boring fucking world you go to the gym and you forget to get high and you go in there you're like fuck but you already got the epileptical

and you're like fuck it I'm over here after 11 minutes you're hating life that shit don't sound the same you know because usually you got the TV you got the iPod and you got your mind fuck going you know and that really helps it when you and you forget how many sets you do and you you know I can't play basketball without getting high man yeah I don't I can't even

think about going to YMCA without being high that's a dream I can't even think about going to yoga without eating an edible I can't hang on with my mom without being high that's why I'm telling you it's not just yoga I say you eat like a half a chocolate chip cookie just a half not a a whole just a half and you wait 35 minutes and you do like 50 pushups and then you walk the yoga, by the time you get the yoga, you're on fire. You can hear like that z-z-z, and you take your socks off, you take your shoes off, you do the stretches, and they stay, the dude comes in, he hits the bong, you know, he starts stretching. The gong, gong, not the bong.

I don't know how you work out with it, because on Saturday you gave me a chibichu. Right when Eddie Bravo got here, I had to walk into the green room, sit down, and I sat and watched Oceans 11 with no sound for an hour, because I couldn't move. Because I couldn't move. I don't know how you do yoga and you don't, like, get freaked out. Like, I don't know. You have two options. You have two fucking options.

You could sit there and freak out. Yeah. Or you could do something and blow by it. But I can't, like, I can't even move. Like, it's... But then you should have passed out. You couldn't pass out. If I can't move when I'm fucked up,

I just close my eyes and pray. Right or wrong. That's what normal people do. You know how many times I was on my quailude or two and I was like dying to get up to pee and I knew I couldn't get up and I just pee And then the room started spinning and I pray to God start spinning God just put me to sleep and you fucking pass out You know you when you when you're high and edible you got two options if I'm that high I want to pass out but if I'm that high that it's just a little freaky I get up move around do something you don't usually do That's when it really gets freaking do the dishes

even if they're not dirty just put them in there and wash it and it's fucking amazing it's amazing what happens but don't just sit there there's times it just hits you late I was telling leave

I was telling somebody that one time one time I I did a tincture at Felicia's house before a podcast at 11 in the morning I forgot all about the thing you point in your mouth that's a nice couple came and gave us

a bag of goodies and I put the tension under my tongue and I went home and I went about my life. That night at 11.30 like a commerce casino. It fucking hit me. And I had to sit down. But I don't what do you think? I can sit in a fucking commerce casino? You got to walk. Those Filipinos will get you. Those Filipinos, they see a fat white dude sitting there. Eight minutes a long, back, back, back, bach. We have fat Cuban guys. Got a face. he looks like a fat's got a face ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha what's up herb dean

you're sitting there going what the fuck did I get myself ain't that? I thought this was inside the UFC where's where's Kenny Florian what the fuck yeah I should have got high first I think I should have got high first I think right? No you

can't get high you got to be straight you got to down the Brazil now you don't know how many hours I think the flight's like 16 hours to anybody encyclopedia boy how Off orbits, oh there. How many? 14 hours to flight.

20 fucking hours. That's a day, guys. How do you do it? You bring books, Netflix. You know, I just sleep. Leave. I just sleep. I just sleep, man.

You sleep the whole fucking 20 hours? Well, no, I might read a book. I read a book or two. And then I go back to sleep. I can't even imagine being on a plane for 20 hours. Like, I don't have a passport, but sometimes it's like, for what? Did they fly your first class at least?

Oh, no. I remember I went to Amsterdam with my girlfriend, ex-girlfriend. It was like an 11-hour flight, man. We broke up during the flight, man. I'm serious. We landed and we were never together anymore. Stay in the same hotel. Yeah, man, don't take your girlfriend, man.

You could break up. It was a horrible, man. Horrible to break up with somebody on vacation, man. That's brutal. We were walking down this path, these stairs, and she forgot her jacket. I remember her getting her jacket. She said, oh, that's the nicest thing you've done to me all week.

Now I'm not going to push down the stairs. I don't want to carry your jacket with me. But it was Amsterdam, though, bro. I ended up a crack house in Amsterdam. Speaking of working out, I did like one setup for three days, just staying like this. When I got it up, it was tied, dog.

I've done one setup for three days. I was sore. Like, I have a brick right here, but the rest is just cement. Everything, what's the coolest place you've been to do a fight that you've really said, wow, this motherfucking place is banging. Ah, let me see.

It's been a lot of cool. Sydney's pretty cool. Sydney, Australia. You like Sydney, Australia? I do. I like Sydney, Australia. And what about here in the States? What place have you gone to?

I said, damn, I could live here if I had to. Chicago. Yeah, you like Chicago? I like Chicago, yeah. You've been there fucking January? Yeah, yeah. It's a novelty for me. It's a novelty.

It's a novelty for me. Because I grew up here, so it's a novelty. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How about the worst place when you said, damn, man. I think this chase is going to bounce in this town. No, there's no word.

place. Aw. You know, there's people who live there. South Died, Peoria, what? Oh, yeah. You know, I'll tell you. El Paso was a challenge. You guys love El Paso.

It's challenging. It's challenging. What's that? El Paso was challenging. Ah, bullshit. I've been to some places, I don't know. I don't know. Like, as a comic, I went.

I don't know. How about you? You've been anywhere where you wouldn't go back. Like, as soon as you're on the plane, you're like, far. this place. Yeah, probably Modesto California, man. That's probably the smallest airport, man.

Like the pilot gave me my bag. But outside there was hookers right outside the hotel room. Like you didn't have to look up on the internet. They were right outside, old school style. The only town that scared me ever was Midland, Texas. Oh man. I went there with Marilyn Martinez. with Marilyn Martinez.

Maryland Martinez weighed 300 pounds. God bless her soul. She called me at 2 in the morning. There was somebody peeping in her fucking hotel room. Okay. She weighed 300 fucking pounds. Who would peep in Maryland?

When the cops got there, you can see the sperm on the window at the glass. It was a holiday inn that was enclosed and the pool was in the middle. And you can see like the jizz floating on the pool. It was fucking. disgusting. I'll tell you what, let me tell you some.

Oasters. I'm going to tell you some guys. Anywhere you stop in Texas, if there's three restaurants, two out of three are going to be two fucking places that you're going to go, holy shit. That was delicious for 8.95. Me, Herb, and fucking the Flying Jew ate dinner. Three of us, and we can't even,

we got buckets to go. I went to three places in that Midland and all three of them were bad. the worst was the Mexican food. How can Mexican food be bad close to the border? I have no fucking idea. I'm going to tell you who ran the club. The kid

that was married in Houston, that was a magician, that got married in Houston. Jenkins? Huh? Jenkins? Yes! This dumb motherfucker got married in Houston, then told his wife in Houston he was going to open a club in

Midland and got married in Midland. So what's that charge? What's that called? Polygamy. But you could go to jail for that, correct? Yeah. Yeah. But what's the charge? Polygamy? Okay. So this magician, dumb motherfucker who stole everybody's jokes was down there, basically.

He had them confused. He said, I'll run the club for you guys. Now, the money was straight up Mexican fucking with the hats, with the cowboy boots and they would come in and that was their place that they did business in the night. So they said, fuck it, let's buy a comedy club. This Bruce Rob

Jenkins. Rob Jenkins said, talk these motherfuckers into a comedy club. So he would put you up at the shitty fucking hotel and then you had to do three nights at this place. The second night I'm there, as I walk in, he gives me an eight ball of the worst Coke I have ever done in my life. He has three eight balls.

He gives me one, he gives one to the feature, and he keeps one. Do you know that by the second show he had already done his eight ball and he was asking to do mine? I had him tipped in it because I had a show. I didn't like doing coke before the fucking show. It freaked me out. His fucking jaw was going like up on stage and after people in the audience were coked up and the second night

Austin the doors kicked open and the fucking DEA rated the fucking place. Thank God I had to coke under the couch. I never had them in my pocket on stage Not because I'm smart but because you get sweaty and the shit melts I don't want you to think oh my god Joey's a prophet no motherfucker right that shit down even if it's humid down there you're walls get sweaty. You got the coke down there. Next thing you know, you've got to cut it. When it's humid, you got to wait for it to dry. I ain't got that type of time. I'm here for two nights. And that was the club in Midland, and the night. I don't ever want to... The town scares you. If you've been to other places in Texas and you fly into Midland, Odessa, the fucking town

will scare... And I have a best friend down there, and he's always telling me, please come and visit me. Well, not even fucking close. How about you, Lee? What's the scariest place you're been Cocksucker. Inglewood. Right around and she told me she's like right around the corners where they filmed a film. What's the Denzel movie? Training Day.

They filmed there. Probably not Israel, but when I was there I went to Jordan and that was kind of creepy. But yeah, probably Jordan. Why was it creepy? Because you have to walk across the border from Israel

to Jordan and it's about like a half a mile walk. And then right when you get there, you have to get a cab to to the nearest city, which is like an hour away. And the cab driver, like, we got in and he just like started taking us places. He told us about his, like, he had like eight wives, and, like, he stopped to get tea

for like 45 minutes somewhere. And it was just, that was scary. But it was, it was cool, but that was, that was messed up. What kind of tea was it? Like, just like, everywhere in the Middle East, they just have, like, it's like Arabic tea.

It's good, but it's like, he, like, It was kind of like the Mexican bus. He just decided he wanted to stop for tea, and he stopped for tea. That reminds me of a rough place. I did a fight in India once. Oh, shit. That was a challenge. Where?

India. India. India. India? India. No shit. Did you go to for UFC or just? For the Indian Fight League.

It's called the Super Fight League. And it's kind of cool because they do a, they have like a Bollywood show in between. They come out and they do the whole Bollywood thing. Really, they really do. Are Indians good at fighting? Well, the sport is new there. Okay. So there's some who are, they're working on getting their athletes together.

I bet you they're a lot better than they were when I was there before. And how many days were you there for? I think five or six each time. And what did you eat? I ate a lot of Indian food. Uh-huh. I would fucking die. I hate carry, guys.

The smell of it. There's a sushi place that I love. All you can eat, tremendous. Helen, the owner, she's Korean, she's a freak. She let you touch her tithes and shit. When you say hello, you can leave her hand there and squeeze a tits. She just take the squeeze for the business, you know, what are you going to do? Things are bad.

It's $19. All you can eat. Fucking squeeze my tit. But she's banging. She's like 54, but the place next to it is a prairie place. I can't take the smell. I get fucking dizzy. I love Indian Fool.

I know, curry is like mollet to me, man. It's disgusting. What do you think about hummus? Tell Joey what you think about hummus. I love hummus, man. I'm fucking stab both of you. I get that jalapeno, cilantro, hummus. Yeah?

So watching Hatfield and McCoy. Listen, I don't mind being a vegetarian. Vegan, I'm vegan. When I was in Boulder, there was a lot of vegetarian. I don't know what vegan, I don't know a breakdown. This is what I think is all right. You don't want to eat meat, because you don't want to eat meat, don't like, fuck, I get it.

I get it. You want to eat chicken once a week and you want to eat lettuce and shit, I get it. It's that other shit that they make believe. They'll do a fucking Tritunkin. They'll take a tofu and make a turkey out of it and invite you over. For Thanksgiving.

Let me tell you something. If I bite into that turkey and it's tofu, I will fucking snap. I would not even want to see my face. I would just a man. I would just imagine. I would just fucking imagine.

Like, when I get hot and sour soup, the first thing I do is I just throw the fucking tofu out of all of it. I just sit there and pick all that shit out of it. And that one place I go to, I stop because they slice it thin. They thought they confused me, those cock suckers. Fuck them. No more fucking lunch special, those cuckers. And I go to the other place.

You don't like soy-reso and eggs, tofu? Jesus fucking Christ, no. Vegan, Big Mac? No, I used to go to a vegetarian place in Boulder. I forget. It was my favorite of all time. When I was in the halfway house, I would eat there three times a day. They had this tea that would make your hairs stick up like you did fucking speed or speeding pills.

It was amazing. You'd be eating breakfast and all of a sudden your hairs would go, zzz. They canceled the tea in the town of Boulder went crazy. They got a petition to bring it back. That's how fucking good the tea was. But they used to have a gazpacho in their veld. vegetarian gazpacho, fucking tremendous. They had this thing called

a Swiss granola. You ready for this from Herb D? Frozen vanilla yogurt. Strawberries, blueberries, bananas and a better granola with fucking seven grain toast with butter. Are you fucking kidding me or what? Sounds like a hiking trip. I'm telling you.

I love all that shit. But the other deal, the stuff you eat, you make believe that food is fucking whatever. I can't do it, Philippe. You like it? I love it, man. And you're never gonna go back to meat? Never, man.

Never gonna go to King Taco. I'll go over there, man, but just take the sauce home. You don't miss a good fucking steak? Hell no, man. Tell me the truth. Tell me the truth. No, because I think about how hard it is to come out now, you know? Come out, what?

Like, you know, bleeding out of my ass and shit? No. Fucking with a hemorrhoid. Right now. You have never been standing, but you got a blow job wearing one of those hemorrhoys seats. You're out comfortable on the hemorrhoid See you getting a blowjob man you start crying man Why would you get a hemorrhock?

Why would you get a hemorrholy seat? That's all but twice I'm excited Sometimes it's an end uproids on the pillow And move your hips like that and shit so you leave like a little trail Like a lizard to go and shit like a snail As she's sucking your dick you just rub your ass on the pillows It's funny when I tell people, when I tell people, you're vegan, you're so fucking fat, bro.

What the fuck you eat, crops, bitch? So what's like for breakfast at the Felipe's Barza House? Well, man, let me tell you, man. I get almonds and I put water, spinach, kale, bananas, and then the almonds and the banana turns into milk, almond milk, then you have a badass shake, bro. Te de corchata.

And then what's the mid-morning snack? The mid-morning? Shut up, cock-suckers. What's the minute? He's showing you his world. And the morning, and for lunch, I just eat like, you know, like a bean burrito, you know,

with avocado in it or just that tofu in it or just that tofu bacon. Now, hold on. Tempe bacon. You just go to fucking 7-11 and get a, a big. A can of refried beans. Now, Taco Bell.

Get a beer burrito with no onions and no cheese. Boom, vegan. Oreos are vegan, man. I'll be tearing up Oreos. For people listening, Joey's, I don't think Joey's going to be friends with you after this. He looks like he's so pissed off. Use a Taco Bell, and it looks like he's going to kill you.

Listen, listen, I just understand. I understand. I'm not going to be mad. He's coming from a guy that he's to do Coke off a toilet. Coke of someone's ass. And now I'm like, hey, man, does I actually have butter, bro? So what's for dinner at the Felipe house? That's the yummy one.

A pasta, Chinese food. No, no, no, but what's the pasta? It's like wheat pasta. With olive oil, onions, you know, bell peppers. Shit comes out smooth like dairy queen. No tomatoes? I eat tomatoes.

I don't fuck with tomatoes, man. No shit. No tomatoes. And when do you eat toast? Tell me how you eat tofu. Well, there's two different kinds. One, you could just crumble up or you can make it taste like scrambled egg. There's another one you crumble up.

You can taste like ground beef. Well, it tastes like ground beef if you forgot what ground beef tastes like. You know what I mean? Why no tomatoes? Joey's about to pass out. Like, I used to be a fat pig, man. It's fatter than this. I remember going to go to McDonald's all high.

high and I always order a Big Mac for 99 cents. I'll just go, man, can I get a double cheeseburger please with Big Mac sauce? And add some lettuce. That's a Big Mac for 99 cents, player? Hashtag.

I'm a fat boy. I'm going to be glad hard. I can help you save money. Herb Dean, how's your diet? Talk to me about your diet, brother. I only mean, I do eat fish. but other than that, no meat. Me too, like fish. No meat at all?

No meat at all? No, I eat fish. I do eat fish. No chicken? No chicken. Just straight up fish. Just fish. And what's for breakfast at your house? Let's see. Depends.

No eggs? Oh, no, sometimes eggs. Yeah, yeah. I eat some, this morning I had some chopped up some mushrooms and some onions and all that kind of good stuff. What's lunch? For lunch? What did I have for lunch? I have prunes.

I don't think. I don't think I ate much. I didn't eat much. Prunes are fucking good, man. I like prune juice on the rocks. That's some good shit. That one juice. I usually have Wahoo fish.

Wahoo fish tacos. What's that? Wahoo fish tacos. What'd you eat today, Lee Lee? They went to some place called Cuckaroo or something. I got a chicken soup salad for lunch. Oh, man. Sorry.

I was excited. But it looks like you got dizzy when he said prunes. You like almost like you went dizzy in your seat? Oh, me? Yeah. Oh, that's just from being a kid. I loved it. I would drink prunes like a motherfucker when I was a kid.

I just loved it. That one label, I love all that stuff. Prune juice, pear juice. I just don't like all that stuff now. Like, that stuff, I couldn't drink a kale shake with cucumbers in it. I would fucking kill. And I know it's great for you guys. The carrots and the beats, it's got to be fucking great for you.

Straight out. The kale, the lettuce. I just can't do it. I could do the juice. all day. Like if you told me 30 days of pineapples and peaches and grapes, I'll do that shit all day long. It's that kale that would kill

me. If you hide it with the fruits, it's not bad. You just have to put a bunch of fruit in it. I don't fucking hide nothing. You still got to put in the goddamn blender. You know what's there? Put some peanuts in there, mint. Peanuts. Make it a nice shake.

You know, I forgot how good peanut butter was. Peanut butter is my fucking dead. Oh, peanut butter is a bomb, man. Peanut butter is really the debt of me. My wife told me, she goes, you know the last time we got peanut butter, you ate that motherfucker in four days. My wife gets the light.

Listen, there's some things that I understand. You got to cut in half. We're getting a little older. You know, sometimes you got to eat the turkey. Peanut butter's peanut butter. Fuck you, half light. You have light peanut butter tastes like dick, all that shit.

Peanut butter is something that's supposed to taste like jiff. If you don't get jiff, I don't know what to tell you. Don't come over here. Don't come around. And I'm 50. I don't want the crunchy shit here. It's my tooth. I want the creamy shit. Fuck you with the crunch and whatever. I'm a peanut butter freak.

Sometimes you've just been hungry in the middle of the night and you're thinking about lobster tail and steak. And you're thinking about watching your freezing. I'm thinking about temper. And all of a sudden, out of nowhere, you're like, you got a loaf of fresh white bread and brand new peanut butter and jelly in that refrigerator. And that brings everything back to normal, don't it?

Like the anxiety goes away. Like you were thinking about getting up and cooking and marinating a steak and marinating and microwaving and cutting up mushrooms and onions and that all broke down a fucking jar. A squirt? Because now I got

the squirt jelly. Fuck you. And just putting the bread together. That's it. You're good to go. It's amazing what life is all about. Talk to me, Herb Dean. What's the future? The future. You know, yeah, peanut butter. And, you know, I do the same thing.

Fights, man, fights, and hanging out with my kids and all that kind of good stuff, yeah. I'm happy you came down here today. Thank you very much for doing. Thank you. Thank you for having me on. When you go, relax. You ain't done yet. And, you know, I don't know if you guys just came for the first time.

I don't know if you see the resemblance. We're fucking brothers. I mean, all four of us are brothers, but me and Felipe, We go back to the second week I was in this goddamn town. And we've just been there for one another since day one. Day one, man. You know, I'm short. That's right.

Day one, man. I'm sure. Smoke a little douce to doots. I'm talking. This is how tight I am with him. And he knows this, that we could write our own biography, and then we could sit out and put a, and we could probably put out a two-inch book about,

about our escapades on the road and just going, like right now, 12 years ago, where would we be on a Wednesday night? Looking for crack on the floor. No. While coyotes, man, mana bellow. Every Wednesday. Gotham's, Daily Planet.

The budget was, yes. The budget was like 300 bucks you came by, you picked up a 30 if you came by a free drink, trick and a meal. And that's what it's all about. And then when I had a room, he come by the room. Tuesday nights was the blue, The blue sapphires right there in O'Hambra.

Who the fucking people think you're dealing with? Some fucking novice here. That's what happens when you eat peanut butter. So Tuesdays was that. Friday and Saturday was Rudy Moreno's The Brave Bull. Right now. The Brave Bull.

The Brave Bull in fucking O'Hambra with 319 different rooms. There was a riot in there one night. They had one room with animals on the wall. Fucking tremendous. So this is how back we could just write a book about this. Me and Rudy, he used to book a room.

in Tucson called bugs these bugsies they had not dope there too yeah they had tremendous if you showed up with a bug on Wednesday they let you in for free that's how crazy this place was and the hotel they put you in you could smell death in the hotel you know crack holes the rooms didn't lock they were always bodies under your bed oh my fuck and I went back there like eight years ago now I'm lying Tee people maybe five years ago I went there the hotel they redid it it's like that Tucson flavor now not like very southwest, but 10 years ago, oh my God. 10 years ago, that's where Gabriel-Glaz got on virginized in Tucson.

With me. Remember that shit? With me. He was on the plane. With the first time, man. He even know what, he just smelled, he still smelled like the trash can of red lobster at the airport. Because he was a version, man. He didn't know what bad smell was.

He was a young fucking kid. He thought, I'm a man. Every Wednesday we had to go down to Tucson. Every other, but it was funny, huh? Those days you went to Tucson really like. you so much and the gig paid $150.50. It was probably $39 flight. It was $150. You left Tuesday afternoon and you came back Thursday, the first flight. Thursday because the gig was Wednesday. That was a big, um, six foot seven Mexican food Alex. He had a stroke. He had this fucking thing.

You ever see those Mexicans that had those bag of fat behind their neck? It was fat, man. Like, like a, like a little lunch. my god people when you see it you're like what the fuck and he was walking with that one home boy that been shot at nine times and run over but I'm still here big dog this was something that I used to go down and go wow this is like I forgot what about Gabriel getting the virginized down the first time he ate chocolate but it was funny huh I'm home. I got bumped. I was supposed to be at the Ontario Imprope, but I got bumped. Aw. Yeah, so I'm going to be at the Ontario Improv in December 31st, New Year's Eve,

in the first week of January, 2014. I'll be in, um, what that place with a, with a, damn. Somebody come and assisted, my girlfriend. No. I'll be in Gary, Indiana. at the casino over there doing a casino so if you're in Chicago tell your friends that's the home of Michael Jackson man and Kirby Pucket before they fucking went down to Tuts that was Gary Indiana was a great place and that's it brother Lee Sallat was crackling your world you're not juicing no more you're in love you got a new job he's got a girlfriend in England look at him he's all fucking here's a thing here's the beauty about this that Lee is a

the sweetest guy in the world. And right now, who's your dream girl, Lee? Penelope Cruz. I would like her. Oh, Jesus Christ. Let's say Penelopee. Damn. That's my chick, homie. Walked in here.

Walked in here and wanted to fart in your face. You wouldn't take it because you're in love. It's never going to happen. And I respect... It could happen, bro. I respect that. It could happen. It could happen. No, no, no. And I respect it. I respect that. You love your girlfriend.

It's not even the... It's not even the girlfriend. Herb Dean, can you teach me a move that if you try to get a girl to fart in my face, I could just like... Herbine ain't going to get you out of this. You got to swallow it, bro. Don't bother her to it.

What I want to, what I want to break down to you is that now, because the word is out there, this is not going to end. This is not going to end. This is not going to end until you take a little fart to the face. You got to swallow it. Let me ask you something. Guys, it's a... We're family night.

It's... I'm saying? Like, what we're doing tonight? We're family. We're right here with you. We're the fireplace. We're sitting around. Half years ain't a cookie. Half years are drunk. Half years want to go home, whatever. The best thing about this, this is family. We're all on this together.

We're not away from here. Is there any woman here that wants to take a shot tonight and fight in Lee's face? Just take one for the team? No, no. Stop with the Leeds because you're adding pressure to the poor fuck kid. It's like when you shoot a foul, if you shoot a free throw, and there's people with the flags jumping up and down like that. That's you guys. So is there any woman here

tonight amongst us? We're family. We're family people, seriously. Anybody here that had Mexico? Anybody here that had like or you can eat lunch or you got some pre-menstrual farts you want to let out? That's because I got a wife. I believe, you know what I'm saying? A little queef. A little something. A little something. Nobody wants to take one for the team. None of your guys want to have you.

I eat that bad, bro. You just swallow it, bro. Follow that far. Once you feel that far, bro, you just look at it and go, man, you did eat my cheesecake. Lee now, eventually. What I'm trying to say to you, Lee, maybe not tonight, but in the future,

you have to take a fart to the face. Even if I'm not there, a girl's going to come up to you. A badass girl. I'm telling you, there's a badass girl somewhere that you're going to get off stage, you're going to head to the bathroom. She's going to fight.

and grab me in the bathroom she's gonna put a mop in between the door and just like what's his name sunny black sunny sunny and Bronxdale is gonna look at you and you gonna go excuse me so you don't look at you and go now you can't go and then doing it if you're not there because you won't believe it no I won't know you'll come out trust me I'll believe it because you're not gonna wash your face and you're to be crying. And you're telling me, this is your fault. You started it.

I would not be in this position if it wasn't for you. I, I, I, aye, aye, I, y. Just so you guys know, I gave you the offer, ladies. You're talking, right now there's one guy there looking at his girlfriend going, go. Go. You do it in the house. Just go for it. Fuck it.

We ain't going to tell nobody it's us. It's 90 people. Take a chance. So, huh? Huh? He said loves in the air. Loves in the air. That's very nice.

Very, very, very nice. That's what we want over there in the fucking corner. We got nice family people. Get in some dirty half of fruit over there. Taking his dick out and whacking off on another man's leg in the corner of that. You disgusting motherfuckers.

Even that thought going through your head. See, me, I go to psychotherapy. I have a trash can next to me when I get those thoughts. I don't even open the email. He goes right in the fucking trash can. You understand me? A fart to the face goes through, but everything else.

Guys, I'm happy you came out tonight. Thank you. Thank you for supporting the podcast. Thank you to help being, Felipe. Thank you. If anyone seen the documentary that Joey and I did, I want to say, we've said thank you to Felipe on the phone,

but he was the biggest donor, and he really thanks. So thank you very much, Felipe. You're welcome, bro. Anything. That's right. Thanks for having me, Joey.