The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - The Church Of What's Happening Now Live # 06

Episode Date: August 29, 2013

Joey and Lee are joined by Actor Nick Turturro for the sixth live podcast. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Visit Dollarshaveclub.com/church for great deals.

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slash church or just go to joey dyes.net and click on the dollar shape club banner people sometimes send me emails like dog you shouldn't call him the flying jew that's fucked up and i'm like no what would you rather me call him the fucked up jew that's fucked up it's a flying fucking jew he's doing this thing i'm happy you guys came out tonight on wednesday night they ain't dick on television on wednesday nights is there dick they ain't dick on nothing you fucking sit after the u.s.s what are you going to do punch the fucking cat you're bombed up you ever watch a kung fu movie and you want to, after that you feel like smacking a motherfucker ever?

You watch like Rocky too. You're like, I'm going to go kick somebody at the fucking bar tonight. It's over. But I ain't got no bail money. Sometimes before you kick a motherfucker in the head, you got to check with the bail money. Just in case, you never know. You jump bail and I'll never really put bail up for you again. I went through that shit, but I always made it to court. The most important

thing is you got to make it to fucking court the next day. What's going? How are you doing, sir? Everything? All right. Thank you for coming out. tonight. Look at this fucking gangster. Look at him. He came out with a knee brace. You think you got fucking problems. This guy put a fucking knee brace on. He said, ain't nothing stopping me tonight.

Nothing. Fuck the arthritis. I'm busting out the knee brace. I'm taking 22 of leaves. And I'm smoking a joint. I'm drinking some cough medicine. Fuck it. Wherever I end up, I end up. Some people just get down. They just take a chance. You know what I'm saying? They go, fuck it.

I got a ball. Because when you were young, that's how you did it. You took chances and you lived. You ever think about that shit? You lived. Like you were like, dog I got. Remember like you were broke? But everybody's father had something to steal. And one friend showed up like with a stick of dynamite

is all I got. Another guy has like wild goose. Remember like what's that fucked up whiskey? Wild goose, it's fucked up. Wild turkey. That's fucked up. You know, if they got doers or something, they're all white. When they show up with wild turkey, that's fucked up. And somebody else would have gin and somebody who had pineapple juice.

You just mixed it together and somebody would have like an anphetamine or something like look my mother was 800 pounds now she's walking around like a skeleton and she ate these things all right let's chop it up eight fucking ways

and you went home and you puked on something because one time I puked on my friend's father's jacket that he was going to wear the funeral the next day it's true fucking story I just passed out on the chair but what's going on Wednesday night you guys out I'll tell you what I like you motherfuckers already

because you guys don't give a fuck about Thursday whatever happens tomorrow happens tomorrow all we know is we're going on the 134 we're going to drive by Glendale you know what I'm saying we're going to wave at the Armenians throw some kisses vote for me and we're going to get to Pasadena like a doctor

we're going to watch the podcast we're going to drink a few cocktails and fuck it because sometimes you've got to take a chance you're going to live like a fucking communist in Cuba you're not going to drink and drive fuck it you ever drink and drive and you get home and you're like fuck it fuck it I made it and shit

Without the GPS, bitch I don't drink and drive Listen, I don't drink and dry So don't get me fucking wrong I don't I got scared when I was like In 1981 I saw something But that's me That's just me

If you choose it, I love it A good drinking drive story When people tell you next day Dog, you ain't gonna believe this I drank a gallon of tequila And drove from San Diego To fucking Northridge With an eye patch on

I made it and shit Ha ha ha ha ha ha It's fucking great. You know what I'm saying? That's a soldier right there. That guy made a commitment to going out. You know what pisses me off? Let me tell you what really pisses me off.

Again, I don't fucking text message. I can't see. If I don't have these fucking things, your text message, I can't see. I don't have fucking time. I know that, you know, the people who are going to fucking hit me, I can't see.

But I don't get pissed at people if they text and drive because I've been there where you've got to take a call and you're in a flow. You're doing 85. You're flowing. You're flowing.

You're in the HOV land. You don't even have a baby seat in the back. Fuck it. You got Geico. Again, you're living in, fuck, you're living on, you're listening to Bon Jovi. Slippery when wet. Living on a prayer.

You're combing your hair. Fuck it. And sometimes you get a call and you got to look at it. And you look up and you know where the fuck you are. If you've been driving for eight, nine years, you know where the fuck you are. You look and you look up.

And you could dial. We've all jerked off in the fucking car one time. And you keep looking. But you got to do a cappuccino style, this way, and shit. You get all angry, you're this way, you're rubbing it out this way, you're rubbing it out this way, you're rubbing on your leg, you go right to the bathroom. I can't talk, I got to go right to the bathroom. I spilled some glue on my leg.

I was building a model of World War II, you know what I'm saying? Ha ha ha ha ha! That's fucked up if somebody comes on your jeans and shit, and somebody's like, fine, what happened to your leg? Nothing, none. Is that fucking come on your leg? No, it ain't come, do. I ain't smell it.

You dirty whore. How the fuck you know what other man's Troposue smells like you? But I hate when they blame an accident on texting. Stop blaming fucking texting. I see you. Today I was driving. I wasn't stoned.

I wasn't drinking. I was minding my own fucking business. You ever driving and there's 30 yards in front of you? And all of a sudden like something happens, you hit the CVD thing and you look up and now there's a car two feet in fucking front of you. And you curse it. this guy, but it ain't his fucking fault.

It's the motherfucking front of him. Taking the 20 minute left. That's the motherfucker. You know those motherfuckers. They don't even put the blinker on. They're just out there. It's a beautiful day to be alive. Fucking retarded. They probably got sandals on and shit. Dumb motherfuckers

looking around. It's a beautiful. I can't wait to go home and see Parks and Rex. You're a fucking faggot. And then they to laugh and they take their fucking time and you like cock sucker you fucking go you're you fuck motherfucker fucking cock sucker what about when you're a nice guy and you let the motherfucker

go in front of you and he's one of those slow drivers and you curse yourself for being a nice guy you're like i'll never be fucking nice again i swear to god the next time i see a homeless bitch i'm gonna run it over for what this motherfucker did to me i was flowing i was fucking flowed I was doing 90. There ain't no motorcycle cops. And then I'm trying to be a nice guy. And this fucking scumbag with his fucking Obama bumper sticker

pulls in front of me and shit doing 20, another fucking guy. I get emotional about driving, as you see. When I leave here, I'm making an appointment with the hypnotherapist first thing tomorrow morning. But I'm happy, you motherfucker. Listen, before we get this party start,

I'll have a big round of applause for the wait staff working very hard for you. Do me a fucking favor, all right? It's Wednesday night. It's got no nickel and dime. Order six drinks. So she brings them. I don't give her fuck. It's Wednesday. You went out. I don't care. Use

the credit card. Buck them all. Whatever. Don't take the phone call. You know the 800 number. Fuck you. Your credit ever get so bad. You can't even take calls and shit. You're like, why do I have a phone? I can't take a call. They're all private and shit.

Now those creepy telemarketers get like a loved one's number, and they steal that number, and they call you from that number. My buddy was saying, I see it on fucking CNN, so don't answer the phone if they call you more than twice a day. You know what I'm saying? But I'm happy you motherfuckers came out. You know, this is a good podcast. How you doing, Tarzan? Look at you.

You're sitting there at attention. Look at you. You got your hair like you just got out of rehab. Look at you. You're all fucking scared. It's all right. It's going to be all right. Stop.

You're fucking trembling and shit. I'll get you whatever you want One hour, Flacco will be here He'll give you a little bump Fuck it, well, that's mine It's all right, you're hyperventilating, look at them Somebody, grab his nut Come on, somebody

Grab his little pingita, let him know It's all right Coming to the stage, my partner in crime One of the baddest fucking Jews out there The Flying Jew, Mr. Lee Syatt It's the baddest fucking Jew in the world, bro. Listen, you gotta be a, You gotta have a Jew in your corner to succeed

No matter what you want to do It's a Jewish counselor, a Jewish attorney, a Jewish priest. You always need somebody fucking Jewish in your corner to get you to that next level. This is what's happening, baby. Tell them what happened tonight. Open up because it's going to come out tonight. I gave a little fucking piece of Cheebo Chew. A little tiny fucking midget dick Cheebo chew.

He took it in and he had tears in his eyes. Guys, you should have seen it. You know when a girl gives you a blowjob for the first time? And you shoot that jizz in her mouth, and she's confused at first. She's looking at you. What am I going to do next? And you're like, you know what you got to do and shit. You just can't tip your head because he'll kill her.

But that was him. He had it in his mouth, a little piece of a chibbo chew. It was a quarter of a chibbutchew. Now it's a quarter. Stop, Doc, sucker. That guy, egg is here, and he fucking ate it. And he puked everything. He puked a little cheeseburger.

Oh, I can't take him fucking nowhere. You see what I'm saying? How you doing, Papa? What? No, just hearing you yelling about the driving. For people who don't... He gets mad about blue cheese. If you're ever on the phone with him

when he's driving, all of a sudden he'll just start screaming at a guy like he stole his last paycheck or something. He freaks out. Listen, man. And it's like an old lady in a car. Fucker! Fucker!

I was sitting in my parking lot a couple fucking months ago and some old lady just backed the fuck into me. And then she went together, like a crime and how to fucking crime stop the bitch is sherman oaks you know how embarrassing that is i had to hold on to the thing where you go on cuck sucker i got your license plate you fuck you know and then she stopped and she's like begged me fucking please you have a fucked up glasses on so you know you got to watch you got to watch but there's a lot of

fucking people aren't listen people don't cause accidents that are just driving money their business it's those fuckers shut the fuck up you know what i'm talking about Some people drive for years and never get into a bad situation. And then something happens. Whatever, a drunk driver. Some guy cuts you off without fucking looking. Some guy, the worst things ever, I'm telling you, because whenever that happens, I always look in the mirror.

I look where the fuck the guy behind me is. When you get the 20-second, the 20-minute fucking right-hand turn into the doctor's office or whatever the fuck it is. You know what I'm talking about? They put the, and you know it. It's not this car in front of you. It's the motherfucker in front of him. And all of a sudden you're doing 40, you're in a fly.

And all of a sudden it slows down. And all of a sudden you're like cursing. Your head's ready to blow up. And all of a sudden you just see some guy taking his time like he owns the fucking street. That pisses me off. That's when I get fired to fuck up. The only accident I ever was in was on the 405 during rush hour. And it was like what you said.

When you look down and it's fine. And then you look down and you look back up and they're right in front of you. And the right in front of you. This lady just stopped at an exit. I swirped into the barrier to miss her. My car was fucked up. Her car was fine. And my insurance is now like 400 a month.

Sure. it's not you if you drive you gotta drive defensively but a little offensively you can't drive defensively like a fucking momo you gotta cut you got a weed you know fucking Asians do it all the time right

you go to fucking Monterey Park they'll cut your shit off with no blinker no nothing they don't give a fuck fuck you when you dim something they're cutting you off and you pull up next to them you're fuck and they don't give a fuck they look straight ahead

like listening to whatever the fuck they listen to you know They don't give a fuck And that's how you have to drive some time Because if not, people will fucking kill you There's some fucked up people out there You gotta watch You know, every day you wake up, you put on that KTLA news

Somebody always gets hit by a car Every fucking night in L.A. Crossing the street, Sherman Oaks, Canoga Park, what the fuck? What the fuck? And you know what? You think about it at first thing, I can hit somebody with a car.

Like if it was late night, like today, listen, there's these two motherfuckers across the street from my house that I got my last nerve. They don't know that I'm like, my favorite movies, man on fire. I live in that revenge world.

Like, I live in that fucking revenge world. Is it the transvestites? It's the transvestites, right? It's the transvestites. And they're like, loser transvestites. I got nothing that's transvesting. Like, one of them is under construction, but she's ugly as fuck.

And she lives with a guy that just puts a wig on and tries to trick. When they put the wig on and she gets in a car, and like a lot of times I'll pull up and I'll get out of the car and he'll be right there you know

wanted to talk to me about subjects of the world and shit you had a wig on last night you know what I'm saying how the fuck am I going to talk to you it ain't me it's this fucking guy it ain't

fucking Moses turn the phone off fucking guy comes out of you're taking your pocket you're taking pockets you didn't serve I don't fucking no?

I don't fucking know sometimes, you know. But he's sitting there watching it glow. Like, it ain't me. Like, it ain't me. You know what I'm saying? Something, something, you know, and there's something, you know, you can only, you pray to God every time you get in the car that's nothing bad happened.

That's all you fucking do. The best part, isn't one of the transvestites seem like Big Mike or something during the day? Yeah, and the daytime, that night it's Monica. Like he tries to convince. Like, hi, it's Monica. No, dog. It's Big fucking Mike.

just because the sun went down you can't call yourself something different you know what I'm saying and they pissed me off and it all started when they lost my fucking cat one night these motherfuckers don't even have a job and they got a handicap sticker

in front of their fucking house so they park in front of the house they don't come out walking with a limp they don't do nothing they don't have a neck brace on it fucking pisses me off so they went down there because they said they were under construction

and now they had to get like a handicapped sticker that's how they got it and they parked in front of the house and let me tell you what they fucking do they got little transvestite friends behind the building so they pull up and pull the parking spot for them so nobody can park in the handicapped spot this what these i know you're looking at me going joey what the fuck are you waiting for take action bitch i can't because i'm you know you try to be a fucking you know dirty years ago dog i would have fucking gone to work i start with i start with the nails first under the tire and then after that you suck the guts out of the fucking tire then after that it's the sugar in the fucking gas tank that's a fucking beauty and if you

want to back it up let's say you go for an arm bar and you can't get the guy you always get the triangle same thing with that motherfucker you put sugar in the gas tank that'll hit him with him how much gas he's got in the tank but the killer is fucking saran wrap if you ever want to fuck somebody's world up you throw saran wrap in their gas tank lights out let me see listen this one i like about these podcast she did it she got so excited this is this is what I love about this podcast so I can talk about criminal type shit

and fuck the CIA and the FBI this is what Americans need to fucking know this might happen your family might get kidnapped the fucking Syrians might come over and they might tie you up tonight and know you're there you are

and fucking wherever you fucking live, Harbourville sitting there oh no look fucking waiting for something to happen and you get away and you don't want the fucking Syrians to follow you but you took a peanut butter sandwich and it's wrapped with saran wrap.

Who's better than you? Wait, what does it do? Huh? What does Saran Wrap do? Let me tell you what it fucking does. You're talking about peanut butter for too long. You put in the gas tank and then when the person puts the gas over it,

it goes into the gas tank and it just sits there like a jellyfish, right? But when that motherfucker starts the car up and the car gets hot, it expands and it goes towards the fuel injection. Whoa. Correct to the fuel injection. And it covers that motherfucker.

So meanwhile, you're doing 90, thinking it's a beautiful day to be alive Listen to Cheryl Crow When your shit shuts off And then you pull it over And you start it up And it starts up again When the car cools down

So this is going on in your world For a fucking week and a half Right Then you take that motherfucker Down to Ford And you go, here it goes This is what's going on They're like, oh, this happens all the time

We've got to figure it out We have a special trainer for this shit Not this shit And they look into it for a week And they keep giving it back to you, my lion. And then it goes back and forth, and you're on the phone with the general manager. What the fuck? It's going on with my car. I demand a new fucking car, but they won't give it to you. They don't give a fuck. And you pick it up again, and now you stall at your brother's

wedding on the 405, on the hottest day of August with your fucking blue tuxedo on, out there by the mall out there, dumb up. You're fucking furious walking with those alligator shoes that the place gave you that are half a size too big so your fucking toes are on fire. You know how pissed you are on fucking Monday? You take that car back and again they take it apart and they can't find what's wrong with your fucking car. You'll be an outkeep you in fucking car hell

for 18 fucking months until they give you a new car or you shoot yourself in the fucking eyeball. So if anybody fucks at you and you can't beat them up and you don't have spinach and you don't, you know, ain't out of blue belt and jihitsu even grandma's got some ram rap you know what I'm saying

and that's what you learned tonight in the church of what's happened now thank you for coming out that's how we do it sometime not all about a podcast and now let me tell you guys something okay just to explain something to you just so you guys understand this forum before I bring up this next guest

in Hollywood you guys watch television from 8 to 11 and there's a sitcom that you guys like and that guy goes out there and he says his line eight times And the same audience lasts for fake. This guy is a comedic actor. The guy that goes out there and says the same line eight times. And they say cut.

And they say, do it again. And he does it again. And the audience is trained and the PA is like, ha ha ha. And this fucking moron goes on to the real world and tries to do what we fucking do here. Because you don't see no fucking director standing here, right? Saying cut her action, do you? No.

So what you see is what you get. So in Hollywood there's those people you see on ABC, CBS Fox and the other one that you people look at in 10 years from night. You watch it and you go, what the fuck was I laughing at? And then there's people in Hollywood who are genuinely funny, who you'll never fucking get to know. Because that's just the way the fucking ball works. The guy I'm going to bring up to me in my eyes,

one of the funniest guys I've ever been around. One of the baddest motherfuckers. I got to meet him on the set of the longest yard, and I phone love with him. He's called him to the podcast. I'm going to give him to you straight and direct. My little brother, Mr. Nick Tatura. What's up, buddy?

You got in the middle there. You got water there. What's up, my man? Good. How are you? Check one, too. Look at you. The purple shirt representing Prince.

Got to show up, man. Bad mother fuck. I love it. What the fuck Prince? No, I like, you know, I put a lot of thought into my outfit. No, no, you look. You look beautiful. So do I.

So do I. So do I wore the white shirt. Yeah. You look good. You lost some weight. Yeah, I'm trying. You know, I'm a savage and fucking heat. A freak without warning.

My appetite for sex makes me so horny. me so horny tae tae so horny me love you long yeah I know that song

did anyone see that picture he put on Twitter of like the three boxes of the Cheapichu's that he got the other day this is what happens when you get 200 Cheapiches

delivered to your door this fucking crime stopping this fucking what's up baby Queens in the motherfucking house that's right the old school

old school Rosel Yankee fans right by the fucking airport I love it the whole deal that's it

Yankee fans since Oh shit I'm no hating the Dodgers Nobody's hating the fucking I'm fucking true Yankee fan all the way The colors are all blue and the Yankee Sucked when I was a Yankee fan

That's right He's been there since day one I ripped out grass in 1976 I ran on the field I tore the grass out The cops were chasing me And I took it in my backyard And I planted it right in my yard

With a pennant That's true story I was on the subway crying I had tears coming down my eyes I had the grass in my hand I was in high school When you go to a Yankee game You get there at what time

Let's say the Yankee game starts at 705. Well, when I was a kid, I used to get there early for batting practice, stuff like that. Now... And what time did you leave? I would leave after the game. Okay, and what time... Now, what time do you... I still stay to the end.

Lee, Syatt, tell these people what you saw at the Dodger game to all these loyal Dodger fans on Sunday. No, no, no, not that you lost. Not about losing or winning. You motherfuckers walking in the third inning. Where's the respect? Walking up in the third inning and leaving in a... 7th or 8th.

What kind of fans of that shit? You got to get there early and watch. batting practice and stab somebody that's what it's all about and kick somebody down the stairs and eat one of those hot dogs and shit blood for 10 minutes that's a real fucking fan you know you go I go to Las Vegas I'm very fortunate to have Joe I go to the fights there the fight started 445 you know what time then the main event starts at 7 then the main fight starts at 9 whatever you know what time people walk in in Vegas 930 like they run the place and then you get pissed off because they're

sitting in your chair now they got a a wrestler who's got cauliflower ears. You're sitting in my chair. And this guy's a white belt. You know what I'm saying? Get there fucking on time if you're a fan. Did you see those Miami heap of people leaving when they were about to be freaking eliminated? They were leaving the arena

before Ray Allen did all that shit and LeBron took a brick and then they tied it and then they went ahead. You're talking about? What are you doing? My pants are for me. I'm just saying that, you know, as a sports fan, you never leave because you never know what you're

to see. It's not like Hollywood. You don't know what's going to happen. So you stay to the bitter end because you might have something beautiful. You know what I'm saying? I've been thinking about this. Do you think any of it's, I don't want to say scripted, but like the

storylines that happen and the way the schedule works out, so like the exact two teams that need it end up playing. Like don't sometimes you think like maybe it is and it'd be even more impressive if it was scripted. More scripted than maybe fixed. Yeah, yeah. I'm not thinking fixed. I mean, sometimes you just think

You know, the sexy choice, maybe the political thing that somehow, some way, the heat won that fucking game. Well, maybe the refs helped them. Maybe something else. Maybe some other dynamic that we don't know about. Johnny Gumbats in the basement. You know what I'm saying? That guy might control the game. You don't know who's controlling the game.

We want to believe it's real, but it might not be real. I've seen too much shit to know that it's really legit. I got a question a lot. Oh, me too. That's why I stop watching sports sometimes. I know, but my heart says, my heart says, I think. think it's real. I fell into a trap of gambling for about two years of my life. And it was the worst two years. Forget the addictions, forgetting locked up. The gambling thing I went through

was terrible with the people I was involved with. And it was too coincidental. You sat there and you said, how the fuck am I giving four and a half? And I lost by four on a Tuesday night. You fucking sit there. You get caught by a hook. After a while, you start saying this is, and I'm giving my money to somebody on a Thursday night. But I can't even control it. I'm betting on five fucking guys to slam dunk to pay my bills. How can I think about this shit? And then that took away the fan thing for me. I grew up a tremendous fan of baseball.

I would cry. I got on my hands and knees and tell Jesus if the Reds would beat the Boston Red Sox, I would never fucking answer back my mother. I mean, you know, come on. But then you see behind the curtain, or it seems at one point in your life, you look behind the curtain and you go, you know what? Fuck, after Julius Irving retired and, you know, I don't know, I just lost everything, you know. Dr. Jay, was it for you?

Dr. Jay, I was a big Lawrence Taylor guy. I was a big, I was a big Cincinnati Red with the big Red. In the ABA? Did you like the ABA? All my fucking heart. That's when they show. That was fun. If you guys ever see the footage on the ABA, it was like gangster basketball, guys with minks and guns.

There was a guy. Yeah, it's true. You guys are kind of young. There was a guy that played for Detroit Plistons. His name was Marvin. Bonds. Bad News Barnes. That's right.

Marvin Barnes. Barvin's College. He threw him out of a Nick game. He came back with a 45 like this. Kicking the door. It's true. Rave in the 4-4. I mean, this is fucking crazy.

Hey, Joe, you remember him in college? No. Who he played with the Italian point guard? Ernie. Ernie D. Ernie D. Yeah. But there was who else?

Albert King. Albert King. Yes. Yeah. Bernard King. Benarge. Oh, shit. Oh shit.

Oh shit. Listen, let me tell you something. And I believe in this shit, okay? When I came from Cuba, my first friend was a black motherfucker on 1207 street. I loved them with all my heart. I try to look for him on Facebook once a week. Because that's the loyalty in my fucking heart. I wish I could get him on Facebook.

What was his name? I'm too high. I forgot now. It's true. What do you put in Facebook then? Huh? When I get home and I get my... Maybe he's on Twitter.

When I get my... You don't know his name? No, wait, hold on. No. No, no, no. Anyway, he was my buddy and shit like that. This is your first black friend? My first friend in New York City ever, 1968.

In New York? In New York. How old were you? Five. I had a... I lived on 89th Street. I lived on 89th Street, but my mother had a bar on 127. into an auto barn and I used to roam those streets and I became friends of them and he would take

me to those projects where you see an American gangster those projects there and I would walk in and they'd say what's that white motherfucker doing here and he would say fuck you he's Cuban and he go come on motherfucker and we walk in the building I mean this kid had balls of steel but on Saturdays he would walk with his mother to my mother's bar and they'd say can he come over on Saturday nights the big thing was they would have sole train all right and they would put Jews jukeboxes on, okay? And they would put a jukebox on with sly on the family stone.

They would move the couches and the families would come together and some will bring baked beans, bread, chicken, meatloaf, and they dance all night and they do the robot and the bump and shit. And they never fucking

were prejudice against me, Doug. Like I always, I always thought about it because these people could, they had the opportunity to say anything. What the fuck was this goddamn name? Shit, you were killing me.

You can't remember? No, no, no, no. It was a long day. How many years was he a friend? A year and a half. Yeah, yeah, this is on the podcast. I've spoken about them before. Oh, you were talking about it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, I've spoken about them before. You got to remember. Yeah, no, it's just blank. Sometimes you blanks that night, and then you go to something and it comes back to you. Trust me, there's a lot of fucking names of my wedge, and so are you. Yeah.

We've met a lot of fucking people. How lucky are you, you know? That's true. You ever see somebody that you know, and you've got to dig deep to fucking put a name. Yeah. Like your face stretches out and shit. You can feel like it.

And you're like, yeah, how you doing? What's happening? Yeah, how's the... And you're trying to get his fucking name. You're going everything. How's the wife? Yeah. I haven't seen you since that liquor game, you know?

And then you're like, yeah, man, what's up? I saw you with Tony. And then all of a sudden you put it together and you bullshit your way through. And then by the time you get in your car, you remember and you remember the whole of details. Listen, you motherfuckers are 25. You remember when you're eight now, right or wrong?

I don't remember dick. I remember... I had a friend. was a black Puerto Rican. And my father used to think that he was black. But I said, he's Puerto Rican. He said, no, look at his skin. He's black.

And I said, no, he's Puerto Rican, dad. I don't give a shit. Let him call from the street. And he used to say, he used to call from the streets. He used to go, Nikki Corming out. I said, it's Julius Pacheco. I don't care what his name is. Tell that black, you know, spade the call from the street.

And I was like, come on, Daddy's Puerto Rican. Look at his skin! He didn't understand that Puerto Ricans were Hispanics, and you go to the island. There's a mixture just like us. Sicilians. I was in Italy looking for black people driving through the weeds of Sicily

and big black people came right out of the weeds. And I said, oh, shit. Maybe that's why I got kinky hair. I mean, you know, you never know. I got dark skin, so, you know, you wonder. I'm just saying, you know. But I get it.

You know, I get the whole thing with the black guy taking you around. And he took me to the South Bronx, drew guys in the garbage pill. It's amazing. I'll never forget these kids. There was this family. You know, at one time, I used to go to 148th Street and Broadway to hang out with my godmother.

And there was these Puerto Ricans, this, Jesus, the Sadoenos. Remember the, remember the, what was the basketball player? What was the baseball player? Sedaio Zedeno. Yeah. So these guys are the Sos. They were Puerto Ricans. They probably had 15 kids in the house.

And I'm not being cute. Nancy Sadeo sang was a backup singer for the new writers of Purple Sage. They even did like Saturday Night Live. She was beautiful when we were growing up. I remember going up to the apartment and seeing her. I would have sucked her toes. I was probably sick. She told me suck my toes.

When you're six and you see somebody on TV and then you see him on the street, you suck that dick. You don't give a fuck. You don't even say molested six years later. You go, fuck it, I sucked his dick. I was a soldier. I saw him on TV. He was on Wonderrama.

You know what I'm saying? A lot of people don't remember Wonderrama. They give you a bicycle on Saturdays and shit. An Apollo racer with a fucking. banana seat tremendous guys what was I talking about I have no idea I mean you lost me

I heard say Zazardino no but anyway and I hung out and I remember they had two little brothers Nelson who ended up being a pharmacy dude and his younger brother and they were the first people ever to show me a dead body but when they told me about it they were like serious like dog you want to see a dead body

I'm like come on like yeah he's been down there for like a day and a half like they knew And I'm like, come on, this is the 70s When they would have garbage strikes And it would take them like a week To pick up a body Like they didn't pick him up like And I remember him being under like a wood

And you could smell him from like 50 yards away It's fucking horrible But who the fuck ever showed you motherfucker That's a dead body That's true Nobody When the fuck does somebody go dog Let's go see his body

He's been there for four days Nobody knows about him Because you go over and take a look and shit Not now because now we're scared We see CSI and our fucking our business car to fall out. Next thing you know, fucking Red Devils knocking on your door. You're doing 20 of your life

no parole on ABC. Caruso. How did you get into acting, Nick Tutu? Me? The first thing I ever did was like I was an extra on this movie. My brother was in, Do the Right Thing with Spike Lee? And my brother said, oh, I went down one day. He was filming the movie and his career was just starting. I had dabbled with it in college

and I quit college, all this stuff. So I said, I went down one day, I said, look, kind of fun. I said, maybe I could be an extra or something. And he goes, oh, I didn't know you were interested. I mean, I know you're naturally talented, but I could have maybe got you a little part. I said, well, I could come down. He goes, you want to be in a scene? I said, yeah.

So I went down, like, on a Friday night, and I was hanging out with my brother and Danny Ayahello. I was a cop, and they were burning a pizzeria down. Do the right thing. So, anyway, oh, whatever. So, oh, Maron. There goes the glass. So I went down, I had a good time, and then Spike, I was supposed to go back like on a Monday. It was a Friday.

It was a long night for 45 bucks. I said, fuck it. I got to go back to work. I'm a dormant. You know, I said, I'm, you know, this was just a fun thing to do. So that fall, Spike Lee, I guess, got my number or something from my brother. And he called me up like 8 o'clock in the morning. So can I speak to Nick?

I said, who is? He goes, Spike. I said, Spike Lee. I said, oh, hey, what's up? Spike Lee. Call me 8 o'clock in the morning. He goes, what are you doing? He goes, I got your number from my brother.

Would you like to do some looping? I didn't know what looping was. I said, yeah, all right, I'll loop. And I said, okay. So come tomorrow and we'll do some looping. I didn't know what the fuck looping was. Right? So I look at the screen and Spike says, you know, watch this screen with all this, you know, racial tension.

I want you to scream, you know, all kinds of shit. You know, Molinean, guerrilla, whatever. racial obscenities. I want you to go off. But don't hold back. Let it loose. Just react. So I reacted for like three hours.

Three and a half hours. Whatever it was, four hours. Anyway, he calls my brother, my brother. Say, hey, listen, Spike is a big fan. I said, really? He goes, I brought that boy into the studio when he went off. And he meant it. And he said, I think he's raw, but he's got talent.

So he goes, you know, he got a big fan. So next thing I know, he goes, Spike's writing a new movie. And he's writing a role for me and playing two Jews, by the way. Anyway, and you, and I said, me, really? And the movie was Mo Better Blues. And that was my first kind of taste of being in a movie with my brother and Denzel Washington. It was kind of overwhelming. But I kind of got, you know, kind of got the bug after that.

And I said, maybe I could do this, you know. And then he used me in another movie. So that's where I kind of jumped started, you know. Now, first, did you want to be a Yankee? What do you mean, did I want to be a Yankee? Did you want to be a Yankee? I was born a Yankee. I mean, I just, there was just, I think.

That's what happened. I mean, I went to a Met game, I think, in 72. I was afraid of heights. I was holding onto the fucking chair. And then in 73, I went to the, all the original stadium. Before they closed and renovated, went to Shea, 74, 75. And I went in there with the Boy Scouts of America, and I saw the blue. And I was like, I just, I had a love affair.

You know what I mean? I saw the stadium. I was overwhelmed. The 73, it was Yankee Stadium. I'd never seen anything. The smell, the taste of it. I was like, shit, this is it. This is me.

South Bronx, Yankee Stadium, Bobby Mercer. They weren't even good. But the romance of the Yankees and me, that was it. We were in love. You understand? It just happened. So, I mean, I didn't jump on the bandwagon like a lot of people. Hey, man, the Yankees.

You know, when they won and shit. I really was born, I believed, to be a Yankee fan. You were a fan when Reggie Jackson went off and all that shit? Yeah, I was there in 77. It was tremendous. I was there when he hit the three homers that night. I was there that night, too. Were you really? Yeah.

I could name those three pitches, too. Anybody can name those three pitches? Any baseball fans here? That's baseball knowledge. Maybe my friend over here, Ken. It's really crazy that I grew up different. My mother was a Tom Siva and a MET fan. So I used to go to MET games.

So I grew up a National League fan, but I hated the fucking Mets. Not really. I can watch the Mets, but I love that they played Pittsburgh with Clemente and Stardiel and Sangean. I love that they played. That's a great team, the Pirate Team.

My favorite team of all time was a Cincinnati. Cincinnati Reds. Or the Big Red Machine? Because Tony Perez had grown up with my father in Cuba. Right. So I was a fan all of a sudden, and I was in... Can you name that nine? Name that nine?

Big Red Machine? Yeah, yeah, I could still name him. Go ahead. Johnny Bench was the catcher. Yeah. Tony Perez was the first baseman. You got it. Joe Morgan was the second baseman.

Uh-huh. Concepcion was the shortstop. That's right. Pete Rose was the third basement. That's right. Pete Rose. Yeah, Pete Rose. Ken Griffey Jr.

That's right. Senior. Senior. Geronimo? Geronimo. Seizar Geronimo. Doing good. And there was one more

that it was just in my fucking Eric Foster, the skinny home run hitter, that skinny little black dude. You mean George Foster? George, one of them. But here's the beauty about that team. That their goal, Sparky Anderson's, if you watch, if you ever get blessed

and you're upstoned or you're sitting there, you can't sleep, or you don't want to watch a fucking milk. milkshake commercial or how to lose weight with a pill. And let's pretend they show us. Watch the science behind the Cincinnati Red Baseball. Sparky Anderson's logic was to, when the pitcher walked off the mound and he handed the ball to the coach, and the coach would say, great game.

Sorry, not this time. No, no, no. Sparky's thing was for the pitch of the hand them and go, I'm done. Go fuck your mother. I'll never pitch again. If you watch those games, Cincinnati had no power. they drove you crazy the first guy always

got on he either walked bunted fucking slidhead first into first these motherfuckers were crazy and then he drove you crazy he started fucking with you and then Joe Morgan came up with a twitch in his fucking arm

which would drive you crazy at the fucking house and then they have like some like bench would come up or something and then Rose would be like number five which is a fucking nightmare people so and then the first guy would be there taunting you.

Bouncing back, bouncing forward, bouncing back, bouncing forward. Now you throw the boy 18 times, you're done. You already threw it to first base 18 times. What do you think you're throwing next? You're throwing one right down the pipe, or you're throwing a single. Now you've got first and third.

And that guy on third, you fuck with that motherfucker. That's the big red machine. He'll steal home on you. But then this motherfucker will walk. It's a silent torture. It's like if they tied you up and somebody put a feather in your asshole and didn't let you whack off. You're like sitting there sweat.

Blood's coming out of your nose. You know what I'm saying? Your dick's blue. That's what they would do to you. And finally, like after the whole rotation went up, finally, somebody will hit a home run. Like, they just went around a time and a half. And somebody

National League's bad. Just hit a home run. You're sitting there going, and you see the picture walking like the guy's going, no, fuck it, stay in there. We're already down 92 runs. And the bitch is like, I quit. I'm going back to the hardware store. Now, let me ask you this.

Except for when they played the Mets, it wasn't on TV like it is today. Like, how did you watch it? Or your local team would televise maybe 40, 50 games. And you had radio. You fucking listen to the game. You listen to the radio. Yeah. Are you kidding?

Hardcore fans, I did. Three, four innings. I could tolerate the radio. But my mother had the cable at the bar. So the game was always on somewhere. My mother was such. Let me tell how much. Listen, I hate using this word.

but it's true. My mother was such a fucking Cuban, Spick baseball fan. Way before this shit that we had the Victrola. Vectrola's where the TV in the middle, with the fucking... Phonograph. The phonograph on this side.

You know what my mother did? She put a little Puerto Rican TV on top of that one and another one on top of that one. Fuck you in ESPN. 9 and 11. W-O-R and the other one. W-P-I-X. Fuck you.

I know. And one to the while, you got the CBS game of the week. Hey, let me ask you something. Was your TV black and white? One of them. It had to be black and white. No, but did you have color? We had color, yeah.

That's pretty good. Oh, no, no. My mother had... I wasn't exposed to color. Yeah, no. An upstairs bedroom, we had the remote control when it was four buttons. I remember my mother went to Miami, and I watched taxi driver on TV when it was on TV. The first time.

Monday night. Remember they used to do Sunday? No, it wasn't taxi drivers. Midnight run. Midnight Express. When they ripped the guy's tongue out. My mother went to Miami. Oh, I got him smuggling you mean?

1979, and we had the remote control. I was laying up in the bed like a fucking savage. I wasn't smoking anything. I was eating like chicken delight. Don't cook tonight. Listen, when I was 15, if I could order chicken delight, I was a pimp, dog. You got those three little chicken breasts with that little bun and those fucking frozen French fries with jelly.

That's when I used to be disgusting. I put salt on my french fries and dip it in the great jelly. and shit like that. Don't cook tonight. Call chicken delight. Who the fuck you think you're dealing? I'm checking you motherfuckers back. Old school.

The fucking Reds, I can't believe they only won twice in a row, but with that team. But they were always there. There was a pirates. There was always tough teams in there. The Phillies. Nationally, it was tough. Right? They were freaking tough. Roberto Clemente had these fucking savages. He had Willie Stardle. This guy

that was hitting 400 feet 40 fucking years ago. guys. Before this guy did it, he was a black dude. This was malt liquor and steaks. Yeah. And that's the dead ball era. That's not a juice ball era. That was a dead 70s was fantastic.

That big black motherfucker he was 6 foot, fucking 6. No, no, he would eat corn, he dip it and eat the whole fucking thing. Fuck twisting it around. Him, Darrell Dawkins, right or wrong? He's thinking of Dave Parker. Right or wrong. What's that, what's that dude that?

Fucking Poppy. That fucking pornoisse. He was a little kid. Shrek? He looks like fucking Shrek to me. I'm fucking cornered this mouth like that. Bucket. Those guys were tremendous.

They were great. Jackie Hernandez, Manny Sangeian. You know, Manny Sengian. Rennie Stennett. You know, if you ever watch that Pittsburgh pirate thing after Roberto's plane come down, he went down there, Mani San Gian. I mean, this shit is fucking surreal. You got to check into this.

This shit today. Listen, man, let me tell you something, guys. I go to, I'm not going to lie. of you motherfuckers, right? I got ADD, but I ain't going to sit here and tell you, I got ADD, and I take 92 milligrams from there. I deal with it, I smoke reefer, and I

get eight hours a night, and I make sure I got to sleep apnea machine on. That's what you do. And you shut your fucking mouth. You don't tell nobody you're retarded. You don't, you never give in. Why are you telling people? Why are you telling people? I got ADD. Mind your business. Don't tell me nothing. Just shut the

fuck up and stutter. Like this guy, right? You all fucked. You all fucked up. Look at you. You're all fucked up still. I love you. We're going to go out and smoke pot afterward, all right? We're going to get some chick to suck your bugle tonight yet. At Chetano. A little cop, a little talentella

with a finger in your ass? When was the last time somebody machine gunned your muffler like that? Without a nail. We'll find you like a we'll find you a black chick without a fingernail. You know what I'm saying? She got a caught in the car door. Fuck it. Kick in the floor, waving the

pawpaw! All you heard, Papa don't hit me no more. Fuck. Fucking tremendous. Tremendous. Funny fucking guy. You really are. You know, it's funny because it's 2013.

At this time next year, 10 years ago, you and I met on the set of the longest yard. Yeah. Which was fucking craziness. Thank you. You know, it was just fucking craziness. I thought you were Italian, man. That's what I said. You got to be Italian.

Smoking pot every day. I'm not trying to study my lines. This guy's getting high. Come on, Nicky. Let's smoke some chibas. You do that with Nellie. I'll fucking. I'll work on my...

I'll work. I'll tell you a funny story. One day, one day on a movie set, you get wrapped like you're done for the day. So early in the day, one day me and Joey got wrapped early like they said, boom, go home. You're both wrapped.

so we're taking off. I'm going to a spa and he's going somewhere. They unwrapped us. They called him. They called me on the road. They said, listen, come back. We are, you know, we wrapped you, but now we're unwrapping you. So come back. So Coco goes, yo, dude, what do you want to do? They want us to come back. I said, I know, we got to go back.

Fuck it. They wrapped me. So I fucking go back and Coco never shows up. And I go back and they wrap me again. But I think the right thing, I say, Coco. That's why you don't go back. You fucking... About a fucking About a week before.

But I said, you know, fuck, you still gotta go back, Coco. Listen, this is what they would fucking do to us, all right? Wasn't fair.

Okay, this is what they would do to us. Like a week before, they booked a movie during monsoon season. So that means you can be there, balls ass naked. Right. Having a great time

shooting a porno with Snoop Dog, right? How do you want it? How do you need it? Right? Growing up, whatever the fuck it is, right?

And all of a sudden, a black, cloud would just come over you. Like, just got like that out of nowhere. You just hear, boom, and all the sort of black cloud, and it rained, and you got to get the fuck out, and they got to pick up shit, and pick up shirt. So one fucking day, they rap us, and I go home.

Now, for some reason, I don't know whose fucking idea that I was to put tattoos on us, because that's what slowed your freak down. You got a tattoo? Those fucking tattoos. Remember you had to get those crazy tattoos in the morning. Well, you had one? I had like 19 of them. At first I go in there, I'll be sons of anarchy.

And they got some white dude with a pen with a feather on it, fucking drawing design. And Italian flags, and he had a meatball. He had a meatball with a fucking feather on it. I had some crazy shit on. So one day we get there, they rapists. We get in a bus. Now, people, it's not like you fucking got to get in a bus, go back to the hotel, take your football stuff off, put regular clothes on. Now, you're going, Joey, what the fuck's wrong with you?

This is the 80th fucking time. I ain't Lawrence Taylor I ain't got time for this shit on and off let's shoot this shit right but it's a big movie Joe I fucking go home I'm in the shower the whole fucking thing I've already whacked though you don't want you

go home and you whack off fucking Godzilla ain't getting you out of the house you don't give a fuck you just close the window and close your eyes and hold on to your balls there's like an hour and a half after you go home and take a you know what I'm saying when you go home and take a shower and it's hot, it's on your neck,

and at one point you go, fuck it, I'm just gonna jerk off in here. Why get out, and then I gotta come back in, let me jerk off and pee while I'm in here, get it out of the fucking way. That's why I stop jerking off at night, because I got to pee,

and then I got to take the sleep battene and your mask off and walk, and come back, fuck it. Fuck it. I just jerk off when I'm peeing now. It comes out, half pee, half helmet juice comes out.

It's like a fucking broken yoke and shit, whatever. Fuck it. A little something for the spirits. But we have fun, huh? That was a good time, wasn't it? Yeah. So they call us and we go back,

put the fucking tattoos on, the fucking lineback, and we get back, and they're like, oh, you didn't get the call? Oh, my God, we wrapped you. I'm like, these motherfuckers. Now I know the next time you call me,

fuck you. Fuck you, you'll wait here, you know? But I paid the cost. You follow me. We all. We all, but it was a great experience just to be sitting there with Chris Rock. Like, he's not a fucking stand-up comic, and there he is next to Chris Rock. There he is next to Bob Sapp, who couldn't pick me up one scene.

That's how fucking fat I was. I was 415 pounds. Bob Sap was 375, you know, 6 foot fucking 8, and he couldn't pick me up that one scene. We had Bosworth. We had some fucking crazy people. Romanowski. Romanoski. Psychopets.

You had to be careful around, dog. I know. You know, you could drop a dish, and he would go off. Fuck him wrong. But it was, uh, it was amazing as a comic for me. A lot of testosterone, man. I didn't want to go in the shower with those guys because they were all like, you know, niggie, you're going to shower with us?

Nah, that's all right. Fuck it, man. I keep a little manhood, you know what I mean? I don't go on with their fucking shower with these guys because it's like a lot of testosterone, man. Come on, maybe they're shower with us. That's okay. You guys are huge.

They're fucking big and they're huge and, you know, every part. So I'm like, I'll shower by myself. Thank you. I'll keep my own dignity. Fuck that. But it was an interesting, you know, like Michael Irvin one time. We're doing a scene in the huddle. He goes, I wasn't feeling it.

I wasn't feeling it, nigga. I said, Michael, you're a football player. You know what that feels like? Yeah, that's it. You're a professional. You're professional. He goes, I go, did you feel the next one? He goes, yeah, I did.

I said, there you go. Now you go. But he was funny. You know, it's funny because I had done little parts by then, you know, and I'd done a couple big movies, but this was fucking huge. And here I am playing a guy in the jail

thinking about when I was in prison, how lucky I am, and I'm going to fuck this up, I'm going to stab somebody, and I end up going to prison, how ironic would it be? And I remember that they flew it down, and I was down there a week without working. Where in San Faye? Yeah,

we were down there a week without working. I came down a week before you. I just sat in my hotel room, and every day I would call, Am I working tomorrow? And they go, no. And I just sit in my hotel room, go for a swim, smoke pot, take the bus over there, eat a chicken cutler. Buffalo burger?

Buffalo? No, I didn't like the Buffalo shit. I like that. Buffalo shit. I don't like none of that stuff. I do. Then the second week was where they said, this is your week. And the whole week, guys, let me tell you something,

I was fucking scared, shitless. I was insecure. I wrote those lines backwards and forwards. And the first scene, like, this is Adam Sandler movie. So we had this, in my mind. I don't know what the fuck it was. In my mind, it was supposed to be seen 47, and it was supposed to be in a church. But that Monday, when we got there, isn't Adam Sandler film, it was scene eight.

And now we were in the prison yard. So the first scene, basically, we were shooting. The first scene for me was with you, what is it, treeouts. Treeouts with Tracy Morgan and Chris Rock. This is it, guys. And I remember him, comment. I hadn't met him already and I hadn't met Chris and

but this is it you know Chris Rock's a fucking actor and I started looking around Nick's a fucking actor he was on a TV series I'm a fucking comic at the comedy store getting $15 a night doing blow upstairs on the third floor you know I mean you know I'm saying all of a sudden I'm fucking acting in this movie and I still remember doing it and thinking

I was wrong and doing it I still remember that day I remember the day when we had to do all that shit one two three high when we were sitting who are we mean machine yeah yeah i still remember the day when fucking burt reynolds manhandled me he was 60 fucking he was 60 fucking something years old and he basically picked me up i was 400 pounds and he just twisted me around like a pretzel i mean it was just like i remember that shit vividly you know were you in the scene with the mud like sliding through yeah oh fuck yeah that was one take man that was one take dog

fucking exhausted one take guys they had one take and that water was cold don't swallow that shit that water was fucking cold they were out there pouring it out there

out there right in front of us it was on a tarp and shit that was our play remember the play we had yeah nellie had to go to a concert that day so he was scared that his throat was gonna get sick

he's like I don't know if I'm gonna go in there though I don't know if I'm gonna go in there play and they're like if you don't want to go in there you don't have to go in there and it was kind of cool

but we gotta do what you gotta do it's just once we got in there it was fucking dynamite. And then Nellie ran in. We did the scene. That was one fucking take, rap, go home, done.

Beautiful. Yeah. Fucking like a sire. I didn't give a fuck. My stomach was sticking out. Yeah. I didn't give a fuck. You were hanging out, man.

I know. That was a great time, a great experience all the way around, right? And I was watching it the other day, and you forget how funny it was and what you felt like and what a hideer was and the water girls. Remember all that shit? All the guys.

With the umbrellas. The umbrellas. The whole experience was great. Santa Fe, New Mexico. I never went back. I liked that place. It was beautiful, but I was having a smoke there, cigar, drinking a drink. My first got there, and I was shaking because I didn't realize the fucking altitude was high.

I'm smoking a cigar, having a cocktail, and I'm like, oh, man, I'm fucked up because I'm, you know, I shouldn't have been doing that, that altitude. You know, I didn't realize that. The guy that I met on that, that was the craziest in a way, was Tracy Morgan. Yeah. And if you think about it, like, they knew he was. was crazy. They didn't let us know. They knew. They knew he was crazy.

They knew. But they didn't warn you about Tracy Morgan. Like, come here, we're going to talk to you. Listen. Tracy's going to be here on Monday. Don't listen to him. Don't engage him. Whatever, bitches, whatever. You know, his finger smells like rape. Don't get insulted. This is a joke he did. He's fucking brilliant.

He's funny. He was there for three weeks, and they shot him in and shot him out. And today is when I think about, like, Like how they knew he was crazy. And they didn't want him to start going off. No, but he was okay. I think he did it. No, he was great.

He acted. I mean, I would say to Adam, he's a little crazy, right, Nick? I said, yeah, yeah, but I like him, I said, you know, because we were acting together so as far as I know, he was funny and shit, but, I mean, I wasn't hanging with him, but I know he's out there. What do you want to do next, brother? Who me? I just, I want to do something exciting, man, you know?

There's so much boring shit out there. I want to do something that's a little bit groundbreaking. You know what I mean? Like what? I mean, a series, but something something that's different that will, like, knock people out. Like, when I was on NYPD Blue, it was different.

It was fresh. I felt like a virgin. I want that feeling, again, that high of doing just, you know, because there's movies, there's TV, but it's like a lot of crap, a lot of garbage out there. You know, it's not about what's good.

I want to do something that where you feel like, woo, not just get paid, but, you know, really make a mark. You know what I mean? Something that's, like, funny and dramatic. Do you give a lot of things a chance? Or are you like me? Do you watch a lot of TV or do you like everything? I don't watch

everything but I do give things a chance and I do like when something is good sometimes people don't even talk about and I go oh wow that shit's on stars look at that they're doing some good shit there but yet people are not watching. Look at network TV they killed it. They fucking killed it. They watered it down. Network TV is the last station they go to now. You know what I mean? You turn on? What do you do? You put HBO on? I put ESPN. You know what I mean? It's not like, you know, it's not like, even a comedy now. I put on channel 20. That's the best channel in Los Angeles.

They got Mission Impossible at 2 a.m. dog. I planned my night around that. They got the honeymooners at 1.30. They got gun smoke at 3 a.m. You understand me? It's true. I got Coach. You want to shoot a motherfucker.

Cojacks on. Cojacks on. They got everything. Codiac is good. Whatever the fuck you were into as a kid that you watch at your grandfather, put that fucking channel on, and you better get to

therapist on speed dial because that channel will take your shit back. There's everything on there. Channel 20, we, whatever the fuck it is. Was that on the other night? Because when you go to sleep early, so you don't want to call me that late, he called me at 11.30 the other night and said, where's Lamar Odom? Let me call

you right back. He's missing. Was he in? How he wasn't? Lamar Odom was fucking missing. I'm concerned. Nobody's concerned. The fuck is wrong with your people. I'm sitting there going, that's the end of the Kardashians. That's it. It's over. lover. Lamar Odom is out there doing fucking half grams off that fat fuck. He deserves it. They drove that poor black guy to that shit. She's the kiss of death, that fucking family.

That kid was all right. He smoked some refa. He mugged some kid. But that was all right. The fucking mother-in-law has tickets for life at the Laker Games. She destroyed him. Jerry West is fucking fucking himself in ass right now. The Kardashian mother had seasoned tickets. Lamar Odom called. caused this. What would you feel like? What would the fuck would you feel like? You made... Forever? Some fucking crazy deal. They gave it to that woman?

Yeah, and listen, I don't give a fuck. You know what, man, that middle Kardashian is fucked up. The chubby one. I don't like Kanye West. I don't like Kanye West's daughter. I don't like the wife. She's the fucking, she's just a hole of sperm. That's all she is.

She's a bag of fucking pill. Don't you think that's what's wrong with TV? She disgusted the whole fucking... Like these Kardashians, these low-lifes? I like that they got over. You got to applaud people like that. Because you got to question the people of mentality who watch that and believe that bitch,

who sit there and go, that's a bad bitch. I want to grow up to be like that fucking. Yeah, but to put those fucking people on a pedestal? What are you going to do? It's not me. Not you? No, but me.

What's the fucking, what's that fucking skinny guy? What's that fucking skinny guy? What's skinny guy? Who's the producer that show? Who? That secret? Yeah, listen. Oh, that guy?

Email Ryan's secret. That's what's wrong with TV? It's not us. Listen, first, we got infatuated with the Osbournes, which was a little entertaining. But listen, guys, what it was about it was about a fucking ex-singer. I was into Ozzy Osbourne. You think I was into going to church?

No, I was into doing acid and mugging people and fucking doing fucking blow. That's who Ozzy Osbourne was. And they put him on the Osbourne's, and all fucking watching him. He bit a fucking chicken's head off in 80, and we forgave this motherfucker. But he was the most watched television show. He beat I Love Lucy when Ricky was fucking born. So then what did we do? We put the fucking Kardashians on to show people how

and people in L.A. live. How fucking Bruce Jenna, my idol when I was a kid who was on a box of fucking Wheaties. He was on a box of fucking weaties. I want you to take a shot and hit yourself in your head with that fucking beer bottle. That fucking young Frankenstein-looking motherfucker was on a box of weaties.

That man was drafted by the Boston Celtics as a joke and shit. That's how good he was. was as a white dude. They just fuck it. Bruce Jenner, get him over here. I don't give a fuck if he ain't got a jump shot. He's got to be able to do something,

dribble, something. Are you fucking kidding me? That monster's on there? The mother. Listen, I ain't no disrespectful. But you can tell when a woman that sucked a cock and take an abuse. That's that mother. And God blessed her. She said, listen, that lady swallowed. You know, they say, O.J.

fucked her. You know, that's a nasty fucking bitch right there. I don't know. I don't know. I didn't read the book. I'm just telling you what Ryan Sechrest told me. All right. What? That's a fucking evil woman. Yeah.

She's the manager. Now she's going to take the two little young kids and pimped those little bitches out. She don't give a fucking fuck. She picked out everybody. She's going to get the young one to fuck Justin Bieber and they're going to make, watch. I already see the few. How many, watch. Watch.

They're going to get the young. Oh, wow. You don't need to be a fucking fortune tower. That's why we don't need to. fucking do none of your bug. Trust me. They're going to get Justin Bieber involved. I like Justin Bieber. I actually like

Justin Bieber. He's got a fucking talent. He's got a little talent. He's got a little talent. He does. He's got a little talent. I know. Come on. He's not a complete fucking humble. We're talking about Justin Bieber. Well, whatever. You brought him up. You're fucking brought

him out. And the fucking black guy that plays the base. This got another dude. We're talking about the Kardashians here. And if you really think of the fucking, like, listen, Listen, let me explain something to you guys. I'm 50 years old. I try hard every day. I get up two, three days a week,

at six in the morning, five. I want to do the podcast. I travel. I get to a hotel room in a fucking town. Sometimes you put TV on, you smoke a number, you forget you put the remote control on. If the Kardashians comes on,

I don't like the chubby one that's married to Lamar Odom, but then take a fortune tell him he was going to abandon ship in time. Kanye West will abandon ship in time. You like the little one? The little one. That's the one.

I like him. Ooh, I want to tie up. You want to tie that bitch up. And you know that she's the dirty one. That's a sex tape. I'll pay, like, you know that. You can, like, put your fingers in the gusie. The one that married to the hip.

And you can hit him in the face with your dick and shit. And ask me, you like this, don't you? Talk to me, you dirty, filthy animal. Oh, they love that shit. And you're talking to squeeze your balls at the same time? Ooh, that's a party. I haven't done that. I haven't done that like 18 years.

Oh my God, it really is. That's the one that's always, that's the one that you look at and you're like that little dirty bitch there. And the husband, let me tell you something. I'm going to tell you guys something. I love to talk to me to suck in my dick, that guy right there. Just for general purposes, like, just because I know that somebody, like get him out when they're like, what do you think about sucking dick? And he would say, why?

Why are you asking me? You guys? No, no, no. I'm just, you know, some people talk about it. about politics. I want to talk about your views. I'm sucking dick. And I guarantee he would like, look at you and say, why. What do you have

in mind? Look at it. I got a car back there. I got Led Zeppelin 2 and a fucking juke. Let's go back there. You do the lemon song. You lick my fucking juice. Till it runs down my leg. You don't have to swallow you. You little fucking flamer from fucking calabasasas.

Lick that muffler, you dirty bitch. And he would lick it too, I guarantee. And then he would pop up. And he said, Don't tell nobody. Fuck, no. I'm a soldier like Gecko. He's a fag? I think he,

I don't say he's a fag, but I know you could talk him into it or act like, or like smack him twice. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, faking, I'll fucking kill you. Suck my dick. I don't give a fuck.

Give me the fucking knife. Suck my fucking dick. I'm not going to fucking tell you again. Don't, don't ask me. Open up the zipper. Open it up. Get on the fuck. Get on the fucking knee, my daughter.

Get on the fucking knee, mother. fucking knee. Suck it, bitch. And that's American me type shit. Mama little bingo way. And I come by the way. That's my man. That's what's his name from Sons of Antiqui type shit.

What's the Mexican from Sons of Anarchy? He's really Puerto Rican, but he's been fucking playing Mex. He was on this Jimmy Smith. He's tremendous on fucking Sonsa Antiqui. When he killed the fucking Mexicans last year, And he goes, Yuvato's wanting me back. I'm back, hey? And you sit there, and you watch a guy like Jimmy Smith.

And he's sneaking out with the fucking lady from all, you know, the mother on. Katie Sigel. And you look at this, and you see Jimmy Smith with a fucking beard. And you see Jimmy Smiths with whiten his beard. And I'm thinking about the first time I saw Jimmy Smiths. was outside a fucking hotel talking to Don Johnson on the pilot of Miami Vice

with a white motherfucking suit on in 1984 when to be a Puerto Rican you had to come in with a mop you understand me you ought to show up with a mop or a conga drum and here he is on MB fucking C

and my lion dog and he got killed the first episode you look that motherfucker up tonight he got killed by Calderon that's my dog right there give him a fucking cocktail right there nobody knows about Calderon. I love you.

Cock sucker. Calderon was played by who? Oh, no, I got you. Another door was, who played Calderon? In fact, in fact, he's the, he's supposed to ghost writer in Miami Vice. Martine Pinero, the Puerto Rican fucking poet. He played Calderon. Yeah, yeah.

Come on now. He wrote that thing, golden eyes. No, short eyes. Come on, short. Who you fucking did? Sure eyes. When I invite you here, if I wasn't blowing heat, people, you think I would invite you here? Because I had like, ha, ha, ha.

No. You know about Panero, huh? Yeah, come on, dog. Yeah, no, no. Come on, dog. That's a... Puerto Rican. Trement.

He does that. Listen, the guy from... Law & Order plays him. They got like $200,000. Oh, yeah. The good-looking kid. The good-looking dude.

Benjamin Brett. It's nobody won an Academy Award. I think they shot the director. I mean, but it got on Showtime. And there's a scene in that movie. You know, I grew up in that... You know, like I said, we lived on 205 West 88th Street, but my godmother was into Santa Maria.

I was into Santa Maria, so I ran up on 140A Street with all those crazy fucking Puerto Ricans. And one thing you would see is people nodding. Let me tell you something. The gift of nodding has been forgotten. They're saying heteron is making a comeback, no it ain't. I don't see nobody nodding. Nodding is when you see a guy in a street corner

waiting across the street. Without the fucking peep, peep. Peep. He don't give a fuck about the peep, peep. He's smoking a cigarette. out there, he's looking around, and also at some point he just starts falling asleep.

They'll just sit like this and shit. People in New York would just walk around these motherfuckers. And eventually they would fall or they would wake up and go, fuck you bitch! I'm a Yankee fan, motherfucker. You know, I see that all the time here.

You don't see that? Where? I don't see people in there. Everywhere. I see all that, like, bus stops. I lived in like Van Nuys, like dirty Van Nuys. So you look at people on the bus stop? Yeah, when you're driving in traffic, yeah. You're looking for little runaways and shit

with a little... With a guitar, with slippers on and shit. With a fucking juicer and no kale. These motherfuckers didn't get that. You see what I'm saying? A juicer, no kale. I'm throwing heat. Yeah, you people.

I love you guys. I don't understand. I threw up, but I'm still fucking... high. How the hell? Because it went into your mouth. So when you bid it a couple of times, those juices, it goes into your skin, and that's it. It goes into the pores in your mouth.

And it goes into your and your androids and your fucking lung devices, and it's in there to your pee or you do 25 jumping jacks. Until you break this shit up. So what's next, brother? Talk to me. You know, I love you. Yeah, I like you too, man. We got to do something. We do like that. We do like a little show or something. But, whoa, whoa, I forgot to tell you. I'm sorry.

So in this movie, which is horrible, talking about heroin, they show Miguel Panero after he gets paid on Miami Vice, he would just get his check and go to these wild parties. And there's a party he goes to where he's balls-ass naked

and they got both his arms out like Jesus Christ. He's got a needle in each fucking arm and some chicks sucking his dick and the other one's licking his ball sack. That is as gangster as you... When I saw that, I had to put thought I'm pause and make like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich I'm like

holy shit man I was like if I didn't like needles that's a party I would have right there right up there one of those little fucking that is crew that you got to watch that he was in the movie he's that crazy he's that fucking crazy but he did so many things and he wrote and nobody knew because so he did a nice job huh yeah well bratt Brad did a good job what's that might Benjamin Brad you liked it yeah he was good Benjamin Brad played a very fucking good junk. You know, like I said, it's not, that's my dog right there. It's not going to be an Academy Award winner. You know,

it probably didn't get, it's like the Hechtel of All movie, you know. Yeah, that wasn't that good. No, what are you going to do? They fucking lied. The guy didn't do heroin. He didn't do heroin? Not fucking Veronica Lopez's husband, whatever. Jennifer Lopez. Jennifer Lopez's husband, boys.

So, speak. Oh, hold on. The black kid's name was Jasper. Williams, motherfucker. How's that for you? See? You can't fuck with me, dog. You guys can't fuck with me. You know,

and... How about your man Pueig, man? You know... That's your homie Pueeig. I tell you what, I've watched... Have you gone on Cubano, man? You see, he's already starting to snap. He's a little local, right?

You see he's already starting to snap. Guys, I love... Oh, but I like him. I like them. I like them. Listen, I'm going to tell you the truth, Papa. They're the true. I understand, but look, so was Konseko. And now he's putting on wrestling. Now he's wrestling next month.

You understand? I'm trying to say that. You got to listen a little, right? It hurts you in the fucking heart. It hurts me in the heart. When I came out of prison in 87, he was a star Konseko. In the back of my mind, I'm like, if he could fucking do it, I could do it. And now look at him.

He's fucking Sammy the Bull Jr. He's over there writing books, ratting them out. You know what I'm saying? Fuck all that shit. It's the truth. How would you fucking feel? That's who that. When you think of a Cuban person,

do you think of Jose Marti? Or the Great Revolutionate? No, you think of fucking Scarface? No, fuck that shit. And you think of... Listen, I go to Jujituan. This is the funniest man in America is this little Filipino kid who I love.

His name is John. And he always says to me, Joey, you're a Cuban. And I go, yeah, he goes, they love Cubans in the Filipino. They love Scarface. That's how he says it. They love Scutface.

So that's what you... You know, some people say Ricky Ricardo. But besides that, who the fuck are you kidding? When somebody says Cuban to you, like, yeah, bro, Scarface, bro. Who do you say, Aquaman? What the fuck do you people say? No, you say fucking Scarface.

So let's be honest with each other. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, that's true. It's true. You don't think of Jose Marti or fucking Atwe, the guy that fucking Columbus killed when he went down there that had Indian and shit

that they killed down there. Everybody always cries that Columbus killed the Indians. He killed the, there was fucking Indians in Cuba. The fucking Hatwey, Chief Hatwee. In fact, the Cubans named the Malta after the motherfucker. It's tremendous with evaporated milk. You've been there, Joey? What? You've been to Cuba? I was born there, but we got the fuck out.

Done. There's no, you know. Can you go back? No, I won't go back, though. I don't know. I'm scared. If I got my passport, I would be scared to still go back. I think that I would have a nervous breakdown. You would? I feel that I would fail it. That I failed it. I failed my My sister who got stuck there.

I have to go looking for my fucking dead father's body at some cemetery. You know what the name Diaz is like in Miami? Do you have any fucking idea got suckers? Diaz is Smith in Miami. Okay? Do you know what it's like in fucking Cuba? You're there for 10 million days. And my mother didn't fly him like a regular white person.

She flew him through Mexico. So God knows under what name they buried them under. God fucking knows. where I'm gonna get it. I gotta go to comma way and look up the Diaz's and Camo way. That's like looking for the Corleone's and Corleone. You know, your fucking law. So I know my sister's there. I'm 50, my sister's 57 or 58. I haven't seen this since I was three. You think I want to see my fucking sister now and to hear her last struggle of 30 years and for me to put my struggle of 30 years? I have a nervous

breakdown guys. I called like two times and it's hard for me to even talk to it. I I don't even understand the Spanish. You know, so I give my uncle money, and he mails her money, and I'm going to call again. It takes a lot of strength for me to call my fucking sisters, so it's tough. Who's the baddest Cuban, Ricky Ricardo? Fuck, yeah. Fuck, yeah.

No, dog, Ricky Ricardo. Ricky Ricardo got the party started, dog. That's Desi Lou, Productions. Desi Annette, right? When you couldn't walk on Hollywood Boulevard? Right, right. When you couldn't walk? You ever seen L.A. Confidential?

When they got the Mexicans in jail and they're beating them up. This is way before they got on Sons of Anarchy. They were beating them up. There was a beating fucking Emilio Rivera up and Danny Trejo. Don't you guys fucking remember? And here's Ricky Ricardo one day stopped and said, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Why are you fucking geniuses to shoot with one camera? This is a fucking spick. He was the first one to do the multicam? Really? That's it. That's it, guys. So a fucking spick, no, no. And here's the beauty about Ricky Ricardo.

Let me drop it on you, motherfucker. a white woman? Ricky Ricardo's family Ricky Ricardo's family was gonna get taken over Batista. Batista, listen, people talk about Fidel Castro.

Fidel Castro was nothing to Batista. Batista was the real butcher in that country. Batista would take everything from me to fuck your wife, give a chlamydia. I mean, this guy was a

bad motherfucker Batista. Remembering Godfather? When they go down he's got his greasy fucking hair, that guy took off with him and

Lansky split $250 million in 19, 59 guys lansky took 250 batesa took 250 million dollars that's a lot of fucking money Batista was butchering motherfuckers

all right what we're talking about Ricky Ricardo Ricky Ricardo man So their family sent them to a private school in Miami Okay this is a beautiful story

I won't lock it up He sent to a because I might cry He sent to a beautiful school in Miami Guess who his schoolmate was Capone's motherfucking son So Capone's son is going home to Chicago And he looks at this little Cuban kid

And he goes, where are you going to go? He goes, I got nowhere to go And he goes, I'm going to bring you home And he brings him home And whatever What would a father say? Who's this fucking spit kid? It's Christmas.

Come here, let me talk to you. What are we going to do with the spicaroo? And the kid made him laugh, you know. And later on in life, he called on Capone and Compone got him a job in New York. And that's how he hooked up with Desi and Lucille Ball. Read the fucking book, people. You motherfuckers are too worried.

Reading Lord of the Flies. Whatever the fuck you're reading. This is this shit you got to read. Scientology ain't going to help you out. They ain't do nothing. They're going to take your money. Don't take the IQ test. Ask them to take the IQ test.

You ever tell them to take the IQ test? When they come up to you in Hollywood Boulevard, when you're like an IQ test? No, you take the fucking test. You're the one that's waiting for a Martian or whatever the fuck you're waiting for. Get your shit. together.

Why is that so emotional for you? Because think about it. He opened up a fucking door, waving the 4-4. A fucking Italian opened up a door for some Puerto Rican brought him to his home. You know how tough it is? How would you feel in 1960 if you and your father with the fucking Yamakan? Your mother's eating...

The mother's dressed in black. They're eating white fish. You know what I'm saying? They got the door open. They're waiting for the spirit to come through the fucking door. And all of a sudden your brother shows up with a fucking six-foot foot black chick with an afro like Julius Irving banging with a miniskirt with an afro between her legs what would happen to your mother and father? I did that.

I know you did that, your filthy fucking animal. I know they freaked out. You can't do that to old people, bring like a civilian home like that. You can't do that. You can bring your own color home for a couple weeks and break them in slowly. I'm kind of nervous about the men can go right now.

Oh, forget it. Wait to the fucking, wait till the Jew mom's got the Yamaghan. and she's got the barber strice and albums on, you know what I'm saying? I've always loved you, but my heart belongs to me. What fuck you think you're dealing with? I have no idea. Thank you, motherfuckers, for coming out. You got any questions?

What type of questions you guys got tonight? Hit me. How about the kid under the sopranos to kill somebody in real life? A kid on the sprangles. What happened to him? He's doing like 30. life. That's it. Yeah, but that's what happens when you're fucking,

it goes into your head and you become, you think you're really a Colombo associate. Yeah, they found them on a beach in a Bronx still. They found them on a beach. Yeah. He was part of a, where a guy killed somebody, he was part of the crime. He was with the guy, so that's 20 of life, no parole. I get a question for you. Did you, do you ever do PCP?

What's PC? Yeah, I smoked it. Because they said, I haven't read the article yet, but they said, Hernandez was doing PCP and like he was carrying a gun around with him like does that like kind of excuse it at all like I don't know what PCP does but fucking listen dog listen I got to tell you man there's nothing worse there's nothing worse when somebody tries to give you a bullshit story there's nothing worse of a feeling I got listen the day I kidnapped Kent Vela I kidnap Ken Vela one in the afternoon this kid Kent Vela in 1987 I kidnapped them for two kilos of coke, and they arrested me and shit.

But here's the story. At 9 o'clock that morning, I went to this dentist called Dr. Kevin Sessa. And he took a tooth out, and he put metal fillings in my molar. But he gave me the gas. I can't see needles, and I was very sensitive then. So he gave me the gas first. Then he shot me. When those reports, I never even said nothing.

They had asked me about my day. the attorney, my attorney, then I told him the next meeting, he said, we got something here. He goes, we're going to go in there with the defense that the gas made you. You know what, bro? At that time, I was 25.

I had been chuckling, jiving for like six years. I knew they were going to get me eventually. I figured if they did this, I'd pay for all my sins type fucking deal. You know what I'm saying? Like for everything, so I came clean. But that was the last thing I thought about. PCP, really?

You're a fucking New England patriot. Now you're going to, Now you're going to fuck with the NFL's drug policy. Now they're going to say, why didn't we catch you? Or you had somebody pissing for me. Who the fuck was he? The kids are puke. Whatever he did, bro?

Listen, man. Who the fuck am I? But I just want to throw some back. I don't know. None of you people, what the fuck you come from? But close your eyes and think about somebody throwing $10 million at you. And you listen to iced tea and you're hanging out with people who carry guns and you're smoking dope.

And you're really in your mind think you're fucking, who did he play in New Jackson? City? What's the guy's name he played? The character? Yeah. What did he play? Who was the guy's name? Yeah. Nino Brown. Nino Brown. Bro, you know, sometimes that shit, you know, fucking it becomes... You know what my cousin said

to me, that football was his hobby that he really wanted to be a fucking gangster, this moron. He's a retarded. He's retarded. When you think about his fucking brain, he's a retort. Because like he just said, 10 million, you're gifted, you're... 40 million.

Whatever. 40 million. You can play football. You get the life. You got your life by the balls. And you throw it away because you want to be Scarface. You're a fucking retard. Somebody needed to save him.

He looks retarded. I looked at him. And he looks really fucking stupid. If you look in his eyes, I feel bad for him because I go, this guy's retarded. He's a retard. He's a Spanish kid from Connecticut. Yeah. Which right there.

Whatever. I'm just saying. It's fucked up as it is. It's stupid. Trust me, man. Stupid. You got one shot in this life. And he throws it away because he wants to be a tough guy.

What the fuck is wrong with that guy? Right? You cannot. You cannot. I can't get over it. I watch it over and over and think, what was he thinking? What the fuck? But then I look at him and I go, he's stupid.

He's really stupid. How old was he gone? Or he's retarded. 23. At 23, you could talk me into killing somebody. Yeah, but Joey. I wanted to. I wanted to. Yeah, but you didn't have that going on in your life, what he's got.

I didn't have 10 million. That's what I wanted to. Right, or you played for the Patriots. No, I wanted to. Yeah, no, no, I understand. He's walking around with guns and cameras. I mean, how stupid can you be? He's not only, you know, I mean, I mean, I don't know. What? At his house. He's filming himself.

This guy's insane. Or he's really dumb. What do you do for something like that is prey? Where is he going to end up? They're going to give him four. 40 fucking years. He's gonna come out of there when he's 57, 58, if he comes out. And for what?

Those are the people that people go after. And for what? The guy insulted him? He insulted him? Over what? You know how bad he feels right now? There you go, or two? Do you know?

Do you know how bad that fucking guy feels in that cell right now? It's August 28th. He should be on the fucking field. He's in a 6x-by-out cell with a fucking metal copy. with a black and white TV, with a jumpsuit on, with slippers, your feet are itchy. You ain't got no fucking air-conditioner dog. There ain't no fucking air-conditioning in New England. Think about what this guy feels like right now in that fucking 6x by 8.

You can't even imagine. So, fuck him. You play with fucking guns. You don't know. You're going to get fucking hurt. He had everything. All he had to do is stay home. He could have had a woman come over, have a bodyguard stab her,

and throw it the old school way. You know, you read about the charges in the fucking mid-70s and 80s when they had Dan Fouts. And when Fred Dean left and Chuck Muncie and he used to call him a bunch of free basin motherfuckers, they said that one night Chuck Muncie was all paranoid. No, the other guy, Dan Fouts was walking around all paranoid

and the gun fell and it shot him in the arm and he couldn't play that Sunday. And they made it up. They wrote up that he fell and torn his ligament. You know, these guys had ways to cover shit up. You had a liaison. You fucking paid.

But that guy's up there thinking he's Neon-Brown. Fuck him. You ain't even worth your time. You sit there and you go, what the fuck? You know, fuck him. What other questions? That's right. How am I what?

Fuck. She makes it. She made, so I've had homemade tacos, enchiladas, and Pasolet, which was scary. How do you say it? Borsole. What? What's that?

She made a Bosole. Okay. It was good. What? Sometimes. They have bagels. I didn't know that. They have like Mexican bakery stuff when they, she called croissant something and baguette something, like something different and they don't call it by the actual name.

Listen, let me tell you people what happened. Lee was on that fucking juice. Remember Lee on that juice's head? He looked like a fucking victim. Remember that shit? He looked like he. went through preseason. His head was all loose, like a little juggernaut and shit.

He came in, he was pale. He went down to that fucking Mexican lady's house, and that poor Mexican woman took a look at that little fucking skinny head. And that fucking body, and she goes, you're missing something, cocksucker, and I'm going to give it to you. I don't have a son. I'm going to take you under my fucking Mexican wing. She made the big...

Next time you come here, I'm going to rock your motherfucking world. And stupid, throw that fucking blender away with the juice. Mexicans don't fucking juice, okay? They buy that white thing from Telemundo. It burns... It burns la graside the shit way. Fucking Spanish people buy that shit by the millions. At night, though, drink that white shit.

You'll see them out there. You're in no danger, Paco. It's over for you. That shit will kill you. Just do a jumping jack. And lay off, cock sucker. Look at you. You're a savage. Look at you. You're healthy. Her aunt just came from Mexico, and she brought beef, like special Mexican beef like they don't sell here

through like customs and stuff to cook it on Saturday. I don't understand. I don't even know what's going on. Sure. But like, you've heard him talk about the bacon hot dogs that the guy makes. She made those, but she like wrapped it three times. How many bacon hot dogs did you eat? She just too, but she did

it because she came out with a Pasola, Bolesole, how do you say it? It don't matter. He ate it. It don't fucking matter. I got a pot and she got mad when I finished like one bowl of it. And she's like, it's like a Jewish mom, but she's making enchilogy. Oh, she's fattening you up for the kill. You ain't going nowhere, dog.

By the time, listen, she's going to dope you up to like 438 pounds. And then you're fucked. You got to marry the daughter. Then you're done. You're fucking done. That's all over. Where are you going to go? You're missing a fucking ankle.

You're walking around with a roller skate on your ankle and shit. You got to shoot your fucking other leg and shit. You're beating posoles and sandwiches. Those enchiladas. Those enchiladas... I don't know what kind of cheese is it. Death! That's what kind of cheese it is. No, no, no.

It's the fucking glassa cheese. It's the shit you drink to melt my grasas. It's not... It's not... It's not... Casso fresco. It's like crumbly. Crumbly kind of cheese. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You should have seen them. They took like an entire brick of it in between three of them. Oh, please. They just jumped out of party. And I went to L. Super in Englewood? That's not... I don't belong in L. Englewood, I don't know, just the main...

Right by Hollywood Park Casino. Listen, when you go to Weight Watchers, this is a funny thing. When you go to Weight Watchers, they have a breakdown of all the different foods from all over the world. Cuban food and Chinese food and Japanese food. For Mexican, it don't even have a breakdown. When you, like, when you walk in, if you're Mexican, the lady will call you, come here. It's not going to work out for you. I'm not prejudiced, but it don't work out for you, people.

It's like eight weeks, then you tap out anyway. You drop like eight pounds, but then you come up with like 92 just pops up from nowhere. Mexican women, they're a blast. Once they start tipping the scale, there ain't no looking back. It's over. I see them. I go to the YMCA late night now, and they got those Zumba classes. Not one of those women.

They haven't lost an ounce. I watch them. They're in there twisting. They take breaks. They're eating sandwiches and shit. Well, I dance for 30 minutes, so I could eat the fucking, the Mexican truck pulls up. It's classic. It's fucking classic.

They're out there drinking machaca juice. You're leaving? Hurry up back. All that fucking noise. What the fuck? Wait. There's the Mexicans here, right? I heard, like, yeah.

What is... Mexicans are everywhere. anywhere you go now you go to listen 10 years ago I went to Green Rapids South the coast Snake River Grand Rapids Michigan

No shut the fuck out babe You said Great Rapids Well a lot of people don't know is Like the second biggest population For Mexicans is Michigan Northern Michigan Sagina All up there you said fucking Detroit I'm talking about up more

If you want Jeppily They wouldn't have given it to you So Snake River and South Dakota, I was craved. This is like 15 years ago. I'm up down a triple run. This is those things that pay you, $75. You got to pay for your own gas.

And gas is like 62. So you made $13 for cracking jokes. Then you got to come back to Colorado. That's how you start out. But I was over there scratch, and I had been on the road for a week. I couldn't find a package of anything and shit. I didn't give a fuck.

I buy laundry detergent. And sure enough, man, I'm at some fucking white diner eating. And I seem like a little, You know when Clinton Eastwood comes in? They have, like, the revolving door that it just opens up. Like, well, and he goes back. Like a Mexican popped his head to the thing, like,

p, p, p, p, p, and I'm like, oh, my fucking God. And he saw me, and he was like, is it, really? And we hugged each other, like, we couldn't. Oh, my God. I haven't seen a latino in fucking eight hours, though. And I'm like, tell me you get coke. And he's like, yeah, come back to my own. I got it right there.

I swear he went to that. He introduced me to everybody. He had coke in the back room, like the whole family. Like the whole family lived there. Like, I had to enter, because we had to walk through their room. Like, step over. She, how you doing? That's Millie.

How you doing it? I have to see you. He's leaving. Is he staying along? No, he's leaving. I'm in the back room. I just burned 80 calories. The Coke is melted.

It's all the way in the back. I love you guys. Thank you very much. Thank you. For coming out of here tonight. You bad motherfucker. Thank you guys so much for listening. And these really are my favorite night of the month.

And I don't know, it's one of Joey's favorite nights, too. A huge thank you to Nick Duturo for coming. And thank you for everyone else who came to see it live. It really means a lot to support us. And we're going to start doing more of these at the Ice House. And we have the one in Portland next month. So keep our eye out for it. And we really love doing it.

Just really quickly, we have a few sponsors to go through. And they're not really sponsors. The first one on it is family. They've been with us from the very beginning. They were the first people to support Joey and myself. And it means a lot. And they have the products that really help you out. They have all the supplements.

Joey does hemphorce. He does the strong bone. He does the Shroom Tech immune and sport. It's really amazing. And we can get you with the church promo code. we get you 10% off on supplements and if you're looking to do more workout stuff they have the kettlebells and they have the battle ropes

and all that amazing stuff and on it.com we can help you out with the supplements. I like new mood. It really helps me fall asleep. So please go check them out and use promo code church. And of course you also know we have Hulu Plus and they've been with us for a while and we've talked about all the shows that they have.

They have the SpongeBob. They have the Daily Show. They have Family Guy, all those shows, but they've also started doing their own production because they're bad motherfuckers. That's what they do. They bring you the shows you love, but they also are trying to introduce you to new stuff. And something I've talked about before is The Awsons, and it's really that it's an awesome show. It's an animated show, and it's hilarious, and it's only for Hulu Plus. So use your two-week free trial going to Huluplus.com

slash Joey or the banner at joey-diaz.net and try it up for two weeks. After that, it's only $7.99 a month if you want it. If you don't, thank you for trying it out. But if you sign up for the free trial, I'm sure you'll keep it. And the last people that we want to thank, as always, is Dollar Shave Club. they they understand what it's like to work hard for a living and they want to take one of the things

that you have to worry about and remove it so you don't have to worry about getting razors anymore you don't have to worry about oh shit I ran out or I don't have anymore they send it to your door every month I just got the notification last night actually that they they are sending my new box out soon

and they have three plans for you they have a dollar a month plan a $6 month plan and a $9 month plan. And then they have things you can add on like the shave butter or the one-wipe Charlie's, which are great bathroom wipes, which trust me, Joey and I need some bathroom wipes. Just regular toilet paper won't cut it. If you go to dollar shaveclub.com slash church, we'd really appreciate it. And huge thank you to all the sponsors and all you listeners.

It really means a lot. We've had a crazy run for the past few, the almost a year. We're coming up on a year pretty soon, and it means a lot that you guys have been listening. Well, thank you so much, and I'll see you guys on Monday. Now that the show is over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus. when you go to Huluplus.com

slash Joey or go to joeydiaz.net and click on the Hulu Plus banner. And don't forget to sign up for Dollar Shaveclub.com. You'll get high-quality razors sent to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. We love these guys and you will too.

Now go to dollarshaveclub.com forward slash church or go to joeydiaz.net and click on the dollar shave club banner.