The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - The Church Of What's Happening Now Live #07

Episode Date: September 23, 2013

Joey, Lee, and guest Brian Redban live at the Icehouse. Recorded live on 09/20/2013

What's up guys? I am fucked up already, so I don't know if I'm... I get here and he hands me a gummy bear with him... He didn't say hi to me. Um... So thank you for coming out. It's nice to do it on a Friday for once. Uh, so I'm just gonna let's start it off.

Here he is. Joey Diaz. Woo! Who? Who? The North and the South and Cali lives one's up. Joint sides, real enemies get one slug. What's happening? Things have been good.

You know what's improving my sex life? I can't believe. I used to, nah, da, da, da. Because I always come, like, in a minute. I've always come, like, in a minute, a minute and a half. I'm one of those motherfuckers. I come, but I give it to you for a minute and a half. Good, I punch you, I call you a dirty fucking whore.

I choke you. I don't give a fuck. I give it to you good for about 30 minutes. 30 seconds, and I just stare at you after that. You're like, what happened? Nothing, nothing. I'm all right. Did you come?

What do you think? I'm just staring at you, you know what I'm saying? If I was huffing and puffing and puffing, I'd be fucking, but I'm staring at you. But I started getting like panic attacks about three months ago. Like panic attacks when I'd work out. I couldn't breathe. And I thought it was the edibles.

Because when you're doing edible, you know, all you need is like a spark with the edible. And it's like a fucking fire. You know, all you need is your mind to tell you something. It's like a fucking fire. So I would be huffing and puffing and working out. And also, I'm going to die. And also I have to get up and have to take my pants off because you got to pee. I swear to God, dog.

I have to take my... Anything that was tight, I had to take it off. That's how fucking bad of a feeling. So I asked my doctor, and he goes, go see this hypnotherapist. So I think she hypnotized me. I don't get stressed out no more. But now when I fuck, I think about the island of Serenity. Because that's where she told me to go.

Not when I fuck, but when I stress out. She goes, go to the island of Serenity. There's ducks there. Nobody bothers you. There's a bunch of reef that's rolled up already. You know, sometimes you got reefing, but you're stressed out because you don't want to roll that motherfucker. You're like, I want to smoke it, but I don't have time to roll.

There's commercials, they're fucking flying, you know what I'm saying? So that's my, she goes, write down your perfect fucking, you know, what would be perfect for you to be nude, you know, on an island with a fucking little Japanese butler, whatever. Chinese, Japanese, I don't give a fuck. Just a little Asian guy serving me drinks and giving me sushi rubbing my shoulders, you know what I'm saying? Not in a gay way, like a real fucking, like a real fucking butt. You know what's a butler? He's not a gay dude. He just makes sure you're straight. You know what I'm saying? He makes sure your feet aren't tired. He fucking rubs your shoulders. He irons your jacket. You know, when you get up, he puts the jacket on for you. You know what I'm talking about. So I'm there. I got like birds and all. That's my island of Serenity. So now when I fuck, I think about the island of Serenity. And I've been breaking my own record. I'm up to like three minutes now. So I just want to tell you that sometimes, you know, I tore my wife up.

yesterday for like two and a half minutes I made eye contact when you're looking but I was really at the island of insanity whatever the fuck I'm at so if you're having a hard time nut and if you can't nut think of the island of serenity and come on down you know come on down there's a beach there's some bitches there for you you know what I'm saying you have a good fucking time you follow me that's it you know it's Friday people and you're here and I'm happy I'm really happy It was a fucking great week. It was a long week, you know? Not shit happened this week.

Sometimes you ever live your life, and it's Friday, and you're like, what the fuck happened this week? Nothing. I went to work, I watched TV, whatever. I went to sushi. But you fucking take it for what it is. You're like, I don't give a fuck. I ain't going to stress out about it, you know.

I have a little baby now, and I look at it every fucking day. No, don't clap, and I think about how she even came, really. Like, I look at it. You don't know how lucky I am. She should be stoned. Like, I don't know. I look at it. I took her to porthos the other day, right?

And Burbank, just to test her, just to see if she would lose her fucking mind, if she was still because I smoke pot people. I don't just smoke pot like one of these fucking Hollywood guys. Oh my God. Put that out. It's too much to me. Make sure not to drive. Get the fuck out of my face. The fuck out of here.

I go a joint deep by 60. You know those people? Oh, 420. Bitch. bitch where were you at 820 this morning 420 fuck you when you're 420 I didn't even heard of 420

till I moved out of here 420 so what I got to a 430 what do you want to do you know what I'm saying that's time to smoke bitch I've been smoking since 820 4 fucking 20 4 fucking 20 you know how high I was this morning at 9 a.m

watching fucking team umy-zumi do you have any fucking idea my baby's past I'm stoned to the fucking gills watching Team Umizumi and shit feeling like a fucking pervert but not really When you're watching that you're like this conversation for perverts

You know what I'm saying? Like who knows about Team Umizumi when you're over 12 A fucking pervert He goes to a park Hi how are you doing? Did you see the latest episode Of Team Umizumi That's what a pervert tells a little kid You don't ask that 80 year old

Did you watch Breaking Bad? Do you? This is where I'm going to I'm going, cock suckers. This is where I'm going here. Not, but no, thank you, sir. This is my co-host tonight, this fucking guy. I can tell you're going to be a chatty little fuck tonight, aren't you? Don't be no chatty here tonight, cocksucker. No chitty chatty here. You know I love you, but...

All right, that's it. No more. You can't even talk till after the fucking show. How you doing? Look at this sexy fucking waitress. Give her a round of applause. Don't forget, don't forget the tip of it. That's one of my all-time favorite waitresses. One of my all-time favorite women. Look at her. That's a real fucking woman.

Look at her feet. She's manicured and pedicured. Look at those tight pants. They're throwing fucking heat. I guarantee it's Friday night. She's manicured. The monkey's shaved. It's ready for war.

Because that's how she rolls. That's a real woman right there. A lot of you women went out tonight and didn't shave your pussy. What are you thinking? It's fucking Friday night. What happens if he wants to come over and you got that bush of life going on down there? Which I don't give a fuck. I like it, Harry.

I don't give a fuck. my eye when you're reading that pussy so everybody wants to have a bald fucking pussy you know how ugly that fucking thing is bald you gotta leave something a mustache a nazi mustache you know I used to do this Jew chick with a Nazi across a fucking thing that that chick had style that chick didn't fuck around you could eat that little yarmica pussy it was crack a lockin motherfuckers I don't like that bald pussy shit got to have something on there something around right above the noodle right there with like a little fucking where the onion smells.

It's got that little... It smells like a gyro. I like it right there. That's when it comes to life. Look at this girl laughing. You know what I'm talking about and shit. I love it. It's got some wang to it.

A monkey's got to have wang to it. And then when you're fingering, and it, and it lets all the fucking aroma of that motherfucker. Then that juice goes down in your arm. You're rubbing on your face like a savage. Next time you eat a pussy, just wipe your fingers.

They just look at you. This motherfucker's an animal. Look at them. I'm out of Pirel, bitch. I'm licking my fingers. I'm out of Pirel and shit. All right. Coming to the stage.

The baddest Jew out there today. Mr. Lee Syatt. What's up, Cocksucker? What's happening over here? What's happening over here? Everything, all right? What's up, Becky McDougal? What's happening, Lee Syatt?

You sit down, Cocksucker. Look at you. He's already high. Look at him. Of course, I'm high. You get me a gummy bear. You want another one? No.

How about a half of one? Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee. No, no, no. Let's go for another half. We'll split one. No, almost that. Let's split one. Fuck it.

You don't have a license. Relax, lady. You're not fucking legal. You're fucking 16 and you ain't fucking legal. Get it together. Then you get stone, then you suck somebody's dick, and I got the cops. Knocking at my door tomorrow. Saying she was 16 and not legal.

Who are you? Rick James, get it together, cuck, sucker. What's up, my little brother? How are you? I'm fucking stone, dude. That's good. That's good. I can't disagree.

I like, you know what? I like the ball pussy. I like it. I don't know why you don't like it. What? I don't like, because if there's too much hair, it's awful. Oh, fuck. Are you going to drive me home?

Fucking Yom Kippur. How are you not going to eat? You're not supposed to eat on Yom Kippur. I don't give a fuck. We eat here. We're modern Jews. How are you doing, buddy? Everything all right in your world?

What's been going on? I'm doing fantastic. Did you get your iPhone? No, I don't. I'm not going to, I didn't want to wait in line. I just bought it online last night. So when does it get to your house? I have no idea.

Like two weeks. Two fucking weeks. It said a good chip in three days, but it's coming from China or something. I have no idea. You see the shit I got to deal with this motherfucker here? Hey, what would you have done if I called you at 6 a.m. and said, I'm outside the Verizon store right now. You would have come over and stab me.

You would have killed me. I would have probably had a bomb alert. I would have probably gone to Yum Yum donuts and said, there's a mysterious looking man with a beard. He's a little short Jew guy. And he's walking around looking all creepy and shit, looking like Sandusky at the park. That wouldn't really narrow it down in Sherman O's.

Yes, it fucking would, cock sucker. You wouldn't have gone to Sherman O's. We're going to go to Encino to the Apple store. No, no, there's a Verizon store right next to my house. I'm not crazy. What am I? Fucking GPS? I don't fucking know.

I'm just telling me how the fuck it works out. I'm so fucking high. I know you are. Look at him. He sounds like a gay guy. I'm so fucking high. What fuck? That's what a gay guy says when he wants to suck your dad.

dick, he's like, I'm so fucking hard. Can you imagine that being so fucked up one night all coked up and some gay guy falls asleep on your couch? And you're like, fuck it, I'm gonna fuck this dude, you know what I'm saying? And you start eyeball him rubbing your dick

on his face, you're like, fucking he wants it anyway. I almost fucked a guy one time, I swear to God. But let me tell you the story before you fucking judge me, right? I was in Vegas, and this bitch was banging. I mean, it was a man, but she had the operation,

and she was dressed up with blonde. She had big tits, and she was sitting across with me, showing me the pussy. You know, like when they shit, like, with their legs open like that, I didn't want to look at it, but I was dying to look at it, you know what I'm saying? Then the phone rang on security,

and they're like, Joe Rogan, pick up the phone. I go, that's you, and he goes over. And he picks the phone up, and he looks at me, and he's like, so he comes back, he sits next to me, and he goes, she's a man. And I go, I don't give a fuck Look at there

She's dying He's dying to show me her pussy Look at him And I swear I got finally I go, you really a man He told me this story He was a man And he got fired from the casino

Because they found out he was a man He was doing a naked review So he was suing the casino and shit So you know me, I gotta ask I said, do me a favor Show me that little fucking Show me that little fucking dragon Just out of respect, show me

And he pulled it up And he pulled it up and Like this, spread it out And he was like, It would look like a pussy that they put like a... You ever get like a drill and it has those big holes to open up like a wall? Like you see with a pussy, the hole ain't perfect. It's fucked up over here.

It's got wrinkles over here. It's a hole, but it's fucked up. Her hole was perfect. His hole was perfect. Like they put one of those drill... And it was huge. It had no meat behind. It was just a hole.

You know? What the fuck? You guys wanted to know. And now I'm breaking. it down for you and now you're a bunch of Christians get it together you know what I'm saying let me let me ask you go ahead in your in your previous life doing coke and stuff would you have done that no no this is a joke Lee you know I would have probably brought her up to the room like if she said she snorted coke listen

let's be honest here let's be honest we're men and there's women were men and there women in this room as a man if I would have took a back let's say she had or he had an eight ball or a quarter out of coat And he goes, do you want to get high? I would have said, yeah. Eventually, like, by five, I would ask him to see his tits. I would just show me your tits. Then show me.

By 8 o'clock, you got to suck my dick, dog. That's what I'm saying? What difference is just me and you? You know what I'm saying? It's just me and you, the bartender went home. What are you going to do? Get into a half ounce of coke. Your jaw is going to move anyway.

You might as well. They might as well suck it. You know what I'm saying? I ain't going to tell nobody. You know what I'm going to tell somebody a guy. Suck my dick. with you. But I never happened, so I mean,

I ain't going to lie to you, people. Guys, it's just listen, even if you bring a woman home, let's say, I was at a hotel one time, right here in Schrader, and it just so happened that I ended up moving across from that hotel years later. And that's when I used to be at the comedy store, and I was a fucking mess.

And at night, I'd leave the Comedy Store and go back to that hotel. I'd stop and get like a six pack of beer and cigarettes, and I'd go back to that hotel with like a gram of Coke. And fucking people would knock on your door. And one night this girl knocked on my fucking door.

I thought it was a dream come true. And this girl was cute. And she's like, can I party with you? And I'm like, sure. And I'm looking at this girl, and this girl tells me she's fucking 16. Like an hour in. And I'll tell you, man, I was fucking horned up

and I threw her out. But at 6 a.m., I was pissed at myself. You know what I'm saying? I ain't going to lie to you, motherfuckers. At 6.m. I was jerking old. She was fucking 16. But, you know what I'm saying? Like, I caught myself.

If she would have stayed in the room, I would have had to suck my dick, because, you know... What do you want to do? Watch SpongeBob or suck my dick, you know what I'm saying? When you're 16, you don't want a sponge butt. You know, so my point being that I know myself. We all know ourselves and what our limitations are. If you do Coke and drink from 11 o'clock at night,

and it's eight the next morning, you might let anybody suck your dick. I'm just telling you. Ladies, we've all been in the position where you're taking a guy home. You wouldn't take him home if you were sober, but you had a couple cocktails, you were thirsty. He had Coke, you know, whatever.

It happens. So, that's your answer? I don't know. It never happened, but I know myself. If it would have been like 9 or 10 o'clock, I get creepy when I was, I remember one night, I was doing drugs with this girl, and she wouldn't let me fuck her.

By 11 o'clock, I'm like, let me just pull your hair. I don't want to fuck you. Let me just pull your hair. And then she's like, okay. And I fucking pull that bitch off the bed, right? At the Sahara Motel in Sunset. I ain't lying to you.

I was dragging this bitch like a caveman. And she's like, why are you doing this to me? Because you won't let me fuck you. If you let me fuck you, nobody would pull you around like fucking the Flintstones and shit. But when we get, guys, when we get fucked up, we get fucking. And ladies don't. You know, you think it's cute to come over our houses, get drunk, and fall asleep on the couch.

We will fuck you. We will fuck you. Not because we're rapists or we're perverts, because that's just the way it is. You're sitting there with your button down to here. You're sitting here with your button down to here. Showing cleavage. We're going to suck your tit or sniff it.

And then we're going to look in your bra. And then we're going to feel your tit. And if that tit pops hard, that's it. You're a goner. Even in your sleep. You don't give a fuck. If that fucking nipple pops out in your sleep, we're like, oh, this bitch is awake.

And then we'll try to hit you in the face. Wake up. Wake up. If you don't wake up, I'm going to stick my dick in your mouth. I gave you a chance to wake up. And we've all either done that or thought of that. Because you dumb women,

we'll come home to a guy's house and say, I'm tired and fall asleep. You know, what the fuck? You know how many chicks I robbed? You don't want to fuck me. Now take those $38 and your J.C. Penny card. I'm a freak, Jack.

I don't give a fuck. What's up, Lee? Look at the fucking shape of you, cuck, sucker. Look what you did to me. What's the dirtiest thing you've done to a girl when she's sleeping? Well, you get mad at me because I had that girl staying with me and I didn't...

He would call me every day at like midnight I'd be like, just take a dick out and put it against her face. He'd be like, just jizz and put it in her hand. You gotta break them in slowly. When they're sleeping, if you take jizz, then put it under their nose and they're sleeping. They'll recognize that certain jizz.

Look at you, getting better looking every time I see you, you know? I love this fucking girl right there. Seriously, if you take a little jizz and put it under the nose where they're sleeping, you do it like three nights in a row, right? You just do it. Then the fourth night you put something right on their lip, right under here. So they sleep with it and they suck it all night,

fumes. And you, nobody's ever woke a woman up here with dick. Am I, at my... No, yeah, I've done that. Am I in a room full of fucking Christians? What? No, I've done that with, like, a girlfriend,

but I'm not going to go to a girl passed out on my couch and be like, here's my dick. Listen, first of all, she was a girl that was staying at your house for free. She got to pay rent somewhere. All right, now, I can understand she doesn't want to fuck you or nothing like that.

you know you could jerk off in a neck you can do a little thing jerk off on her feet you know you could use her panties and whack off on them hopefully she'll get pregnant through osmosis whatever you're into you know what I'm saying I have no idea what you're saying you know what I'm fucking saying cock sucker

who wants to get a girl pregnant without fucking then that's the worst that's the best I'm pregnant I didn't fuck you don't look at me I just jerked off went into the air you imagine that and I'm fucking somebody they get pregnant, then they have your kid, and they're like, it looks like you.

You got the wrong fucking guy. Don't look like me. I was asleep that night. I don't know nothing. That wasn't me that was picking your ankle up in the middle of the night. What's the crazy thing you've done? When I broke into Lucy Snorbush's house.

And ate her pussy. That was the filthiest fucking crazy. That's the first time drugs took over me, and I felt really guilty because I knew her and I had grown up with her, but I ate her pussy so fucking good that night that you couldn't be mad at me, you know what I'm saying? Because sometimes, sometimes you know how to eat pussy,

so that's good. I didn't know. I was just, the drugs just made me a fucking wild man. I was just licking it. I was just fucking, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was just looking at him. I was biting it. I didn't give a fuck. I think that's the first time I sniffed a woman's ass and made me crazy.

None of you guys, none of you women like, when a man sniffs your ass, let's say you're on doggy style, right? And he comes up behind you, he's eating your pussy, and you feel that little noise. His nose go, like you hear the, does that turn a woman on? It would turn me on. If a woman sniff my nuts, and I heard her going, like if I heard it, sucking it in. So, if a girl is on all fours, and you're like, this guy sniffing my asshole, does that turn you on?

Does that make it like, no? What turns you on? Some guy opening up a fucking car door for you, your fucking moment? Oh my God, he's such a gentleman. I just sniffed your fucking ass after Thai food. You know what I'm saying? I just sniffed that ass after coconut soup

fucking patty shrimp Who loves you more than me? Your mother wouldn't even sniff your ass after patty shen. Here I am sniffing that fucking muffler. Like it's the last... Like it's the last cream puff in existence, you know what I'm saying?

I don't know. I think it would turn me on if a woman was sniffing my ass. Anyway, without further ado, we've got a great guest tonight. Let's bring up my brother, Mr. Brian Redband. What's up, dog? How are you, my friend? Jesus Christ. You were one of the day.

of the funniest motherfuckers I know, man. You're fucking going crazy tonight. And you're as dirty as me. I've never met somebody else that admits that they like to rub a girl's underwear on their dick. Oh, my God. I love this. Since I was about 13, I sniffed my aunt's bra in Miami.

I had a Cuban aunt that had big fucking tits. And I used to look at them. She used to teach me math when I look at her tits and go, I wonder what they smell like, right? And in the bathroom, she had the, you know, I'm old. You guys are very young. But in the old days, women didn't fucking, it didn't come with a bottle for you to douche.

You had those red bottles with the hose on it, with the thing that looked like a little skinny dick with four squirted. With hot fucking water in it. So a woman had to put like vinegar and Mr. Clean in that motherfucker. And then you got to shake it up and then stick that thing and squeeze it into your pussy. And then all the funk came out

and legs and fingernails and shit. You never broke a fingernail when you were fingering somebody. Fuck. That pussy war was hard, right? See? Look at Brian. Look at fucking. That's not Brian.

So what. That's Jew Ban. I know what I was talking about. I don't know what the fuck I was talking. My friend's mom had a vibrator, and we were younger. He'd be like, look, you got to see this thing that's in my mom's drawer. He would show it to us. Every time my friend would go to the bathroom, I would just.

sprint to his mom's house, or his mom's bedroom and just lick that thing and smell that thing. Every time I came over, every time. I love it. I love all that nasty shit. And those douche bottles, my mommy's always have them in the toilet. Or, I mean, in the trash can. And as a kid, I thought they were fun to drink juice out of them.

And then she caught me once and had to explain it to me. and it was the worst day of my life. Oh, my God. You're over there drinking pussy-flavored Kool-Aid. My mom's pussy-flavored Kool-Aid. And then one time when I was really young,

I remember my grandmother's underwear was on the floor, and I actually smelled them. I guess it smelled your underwear night here. I'll tell you, when I was a kid, I did some, I used to have this chick. My name was Gloria La Flaca. And she used to shake.

She was bad to the bone. So this was a white Cuban bitch with blue eyes and long brown hair. But she used to shake. She was beautiful. And one day I found these fucking naked pictures of a Polaroid pictures of her with a pussy open and shit. I was sniffing those fucking Polaroids. And she told my mother, my Polaroids are missing. And I said, I found them on the street.

I gave her six back. And they're like, no, no, no. There was two. I gave her that last one. That motherfucker I must have jerked off on it 80 times. It was all. It looked like your finger when you take it. I got out of the bathtub.

It was all soggy. Her pussy was all fucked up. You do some fucking crazy shit when you're young and you're discovering your sexuality. I never did nothing creepy. I never raped nobody. Nothing like that.

But that fucking Lucy snorbered that night that was because I walked 40 blocks thinking about eating her pussy. Nothing was stopping me. I was breaking the fucking. Like I was breaking the fucking window. I didn't care.

You know, I was just going to go in and kill her mother and father. And just eat her fucking pussy, you know. What's the creepiest thing you did at 15? A lot of things. 15? I used to have sex with this girl. The first girl I ever had sex with. And we couldn't have sex anywhere, like, at her house or at my house and stuff like that.

So we used to always sneak out. So we would go to movie theaters during the day and would go to kids movies because during the day all the kids were at school and stuff like that. And so we'd go to like Fern Gawley, which is a kid's movie, and we'd sit in the back and fuck. And there'd be like five other families, but they're way up in the front or something like that. Or behind like Little Caesars, there was like a dumpster that we used to always fuck behind. That's fucking crazy. You actually fucked in the movie theater?

Because I got head in it, but it's different. Oh, yeah. How? Usually you find an empty movie and you just fuck in the back row in the back corner. or you're a projectionist like myself and then you just start all the movies and then take the ushers up there and fuck them. I was too, but those are the days

when it was 35 millimeter. Now you can really do it because it's just a button. Oh, yeah, I know. I need to get that job back. Yeah. I remember one time, I robbed this bank, like not robbed the bank directly. I was telling my buddy, so it was checks,

and my buddy worked in the bank, so he casted checks and had all this money. There was his girl. I told the story on the Joe Rogan podcast. There was this girl, Anna Bigiani, who I was in love with skinny little bitch with a big pussy. She was like 16. She used to date this little

half of fag, Sean Champion. But she was a skinny girl with blue eyes, Italian, but on her jeans, her pussy was always swollen. And I was like, I want to date that girl. I want to fucking eat her pussy something. So I finally hooked up, but I called her sister, and I'm like, I want to date your sister.

It was fucking freezing. It's like February, on a Friday night, we bought beers, we bought a little bit of Coke, and I took her behind the fire department. Behind the fucking fire department. And we're swapping, spit, I'm sucking the tits, I'm fingering it, we're doing coke. So I'm like, listen, tomorrow, let's do this again, well, let's fuck. And she's like, okay.

But that night I walk her home. I go home, and the next morning I wake up ready to fuck, and there's a foot of fucking snow. And I'm like, I ain't letting that stop me. Fuck. And I went and borrowed a shovel. I was not lying to you guys. I was not lying. I said it as a throwaway story on Joe Rogan.

It was no throwaway story. I went up there and shoveled it and then put snow around it and put more snow and then got like milk crates. And I called it a fucking glue. I swear to God. I worked like six hours on this thing. I was going to fuck her. I was going to get blankets. I was going to get like a candle on one of those purple lights.

There was a plug in the back. And I'm going to call on like a six o'clock ready to fuck it. She's like, I'm not allowed out to that. I'm like, God damn. I built the fucking glue. You know what I'm saying? Who builds a fucking glue? In my perverted mind, I thought she didn't let me fuck her.

or outside and 10 below or whatever. Did you make it like a jack off igloo? Did you use it? Yeah, yeah, I went there in the snow by myself. Got a penguin and jerked off on its neck, you know what I'm saying? I had some, one of the worst, grossest things ever happened to me recently. I don't know if I told you this or not. No, tell me.

I recently have been getting into Molly, and I would only do it like once every six months or something like that. but I did it with this girl and this girl is one of those girls that when she's on Molly her inner voice becomes her outer voice so she's just sitting there talking shit about everything she sees and it's very uncomfortable and we were at this rock and this famous person's house and we

snuck away and I just went down on her and I flipped her around and just started eating her out from behind, licking her asshole and shit like that and she was so fucked up on Molly she just started shitting in my mouth and that's a good time Some people go to Disneyland.

What's in my mouth? No, and so I didn't, I'm like a nice guy. I didn't want to embarrass her or anything like that. So I just started wiping my mouth on her butt, like going like trying to get it all out of my beard and stuff like that. And then I just like, she started to kiss me. Like I stood up and she started kissing me. And I think she realized because she tasted shit what was going on. because when we just both pulled up our pants

went back downstairs. Did you ever mention it to her that? No, but I think she's probably heard it on a podcast now. How much shit got in your mouth? I don't think it was a lot. I think it was more like a bubble or a squirt. But it tasted. Like it tasted like, you know, like it tasted like when you're white bad

and you don't realize you have a little poop on your finger and you just like just taste your finger. You're like, what the fuck is that? It's like that time's like a hundred. I went home last week. It was really funny because I went to New York last week and I stayed in Jersey by my neighborhood. And when I was driving those streets,

I thought of a lot of little fucking stories, you know. I think I told this story before. And the moral... I'm going to tell you the moral of the story before I tell you the story. The moral of the story is if you're a racist, you better not have a sister. All right. I'm going to say it again.

That's a teaser. If you're a racist, you better not have a sister. Tell us why. Why? Okay, I'll tell you why. Voice inside my fucking head. Because when I was in the eighth grade, I played for McKinley. And we couldn't find the coach. And there was this guy that hung out at the courts that every time I went to the courts,

he's like, oh, look at his spick basketball. Spick basketball. And I wouldn't say nothing. I knew he was a fucking moron, you know. He was built. And I always thought if something went down, I would just hit him with a fucking basketball. fucking stick or something. By that time my mom had that talk of me, she green-lit the stick.

Break their fucking heads. I ain't going to say nothing to you. I just don't want him calling you a spick, you know? So one day he decides he's going to coach the basketball team. And right off the bat, I had somebody talk to him and go, look, whatever's on between you guys. He's starting, don't fuck with him. And nothing, but he used to bring his sister to the basketball games. Now, I'm in the eighth grade, the sister was a sophomore.

And she was a cheerily, that Holy Rosary Academy, which is a Catholic. They were very Catholic. And I played at St. Michael C.Y. I played for the school, but I also play the St. Michael C.Y. which is across the street from Holy Rosary Academy. So one winter night, because you're playing the fucking winter, she leads for the basketball team. She's in high school.

I'm in grammar school. When you're in grammar school and you even suck a girl's tit from high school, you're a fucking pimp, okay? Okay, do you remember this shit? Like, when you fucked in eighth, like, I didn't fuck in the eighth grade, but if you got, you fingered somebody in the eighth grade, that was big, but that wasn't as big as like touching a girl that was a sophomore's pussy outside the jeans. That trumped it. Do you follow me? So if she was a junior and you sucked

the tit and you fingered the eighth grade girl, you trumped her with the tit that belonged for the junior. You with me, Becky? Okay. I don't want to confuse nobody here. So we start dating, you know, like talking on the phone and she's like, my brother can't find out. He doesn't like Cuban people. I go, I fucking know. You don't like Spanish people. Don't like Spanish people. Whatever. I don't give a fuck. So I can see when we'd swap spit. She'd go into those trances, which you get all

horned up when I feel her pussy. So I'm like, this is perfect. We're going to fucking fuck one night. So one night after this basket football game, we walk home and my grammar school, I just built the gym. I'll never forget this, because I seen it last week and I got sick to my stomach. And there was a wall there.

And I took it behind the wall, and we were making out. I didn't know nothing about nothing, guys. We think we know about sex, but we don't know nothing. We're making out. I'm feeling her tits. I'm grabbing her monkey. Finally, I take her pants off, and I don't know nothing about none. I pop my dick out, and I put it in there.

Half a minute, you know, whatever. And I come, and I pull it out, and then I decide to eat a pussy, right? So must I tell you guys what happened, right? No, no. She was a virgin. So I go down, I'm licking this hot, salty thing. I'm like, this is delicious. This is delicious.

This is... It's warm. It tastes like blood, but it's good. I can live with this shit. I don't know what's going on, man. I walk this girl home. She's crying, you know. Because after you pop their cherry,

they cry for like three days. They make you listen to love songs and shit, you know. So I walk her home and this went on. I loved this girl. I liked in the eighth grade. She was a soft. I was in 8th grade. So one night, in those days it was cold,

so you couldn't do nothing. So we would stay in front of her house and make out and hold their hands, like two fucking idiots. And one that I'm out there and I'm fingering her to death, right? She had black corduaries on, and I'm in the pants just fucking.

You know, when you're in the 8th grade, you finger people for real. You fucking finger them. You pick them up off their feet. They're like, looking at you're picking those bitches up. You're giving them like a reverse hoof. You're picking those.

And all of a sudden, her father goes, Renee, I think it's time for you to come in. And she goes, OK, Dad. And he goes, right now. Good night, Coco. And my hand was in her fucking pants, thought. And he's like, right now. And I'm like, hold on, let me just tell something.

He's like, Renee, right now. And I popped my hand out of that motherfucker. And she went one way. I went the other and like the next day they moved. And I just saw her in Facebook about a month ago. Let me explain something to you. You think I'm ugly. Wait till you see this dirty bitch. I friended her and then I unfriended her right there in the same thing.

But I walked home with that blood on my face. And all the nights my mother was home. When I walked in, I remember her looking at me going, what did you get to a fight? I go, no, what makes you say that? Go look in the mirror. I have, like, blood all over my fucking. Oh, my God, disgusting.

That's disgusting. Eating that bloody pussy, that's disgusting. I've never thought for that trick again, man. Years ago, I was coked out one night. A girl had a period. I licked around the noodle. And I just left the string in there. I'm like, worked it with the...

You know what I'm saying? You gotta work. You just work it real hard. And the machine gun a pinky while her asshole where you're pinky while you're pulling that motherfucker out and lick that little noodle. That's a party where I come from. You know what I'm saying?

Ah! Look at you motherfuckers on a Friday night. What type of pussies am I dealing with? What happens if you want to date half of this night? One of these ladies has that little fucking monkey on fire. What do you do with that string? Avoid you got to work that motherfucker. I mean, I'm not saying you got to pull your dick in that bloody mess, but you

got to play with it a little bit. I hate that. They always lie about that. Like, oh, no, I stopped my period two days ago, and then you're eating them out, and it tastes like you have a bloody nose in your mouth. I just stopped that. I just avoid the whole fucking deal. Once they say something,

stop it right there. Check. Yeah. No, there ain't no food to go, bitch. There ain't no. There ain't dessert, you got your period. I swear to God. I used to have this girl, I used to fool around with for like six years, and I was a Coke friend. I go over there, and she had a great body,

and she would let me eat her from behind. I love this girl. I love all that shit, right? And I would call her up, and I'd go, what are you doing? She said, I'm here drunk. And I knew the dates of her period. From the 20 to the 25th. I wouldn't even call that bitch. She would call me in the 22nd. What are you doing?

Nothing. Sleeping. Bring over some Coke. I ain't wasting coke on you now. Fuck, I'll do a line by myself and jerk off. I'm gonna go over there. With a $100 worth of Coke to get that string at the end of the night, that fucking piazza string.

I don't need that shit. Nasty motherfucker. You women like to trick us with that shit, too. You still go out and put on tight clothes and shit. Fuck that shit. Have like a sign. No can do, don't waste your time. But you still go out and commit and shit like you're rock.

I'll suck your dick. And then you take him home and they're like, oh, by the way, what? What, you're a man? No, it's that time of the month. Now you tell me, you motherfucker, now after I spent the fucking 300 on an eight ball, motherfucker. What, Brian?

It just got me thinking. About what? It's just about stuff. Blood and butt holes. I want you people to go home and think about this shit tonight. I say, what the fuck happened tonight? You went to have a good time. He's pulling a fucking string, you know.

I waited in line and got the new iPhone this morning. I know you did. I saw you up at 6th of the morning. Yeah. I almost went over there and fucking shot you. Why? You want it, don't you? I want it, but I'm not going to stand on a fucking line for it. Yeah, it's not bad. Except they only have the black one.

I only get the white one and I had to get a black one. Well, that's good. The black is beautiful. Yeah, but I've already had to give up my fingerprints. All right, so that's good. Look at that. You just open it up with your fingerprints. That's tremendous. I'm fucking so excited. I love it because when I first met him, there's a video where I used to text him, or is that what it was?

And he used to get so pissed. He had this little flip phone. And then, like, you would seriously break my arms if I texted you. And now you got a smartphone. You're embracing technology so fast, man. I still don't text, though. You don't? You take photos? Sometimes. But I don't take videos. What's your favorite apps? I don't have no app.

No apps? I don't even know what an app is. Look at my phone. I don't even know what the fucking app is. I'm scared to download it because it might blow up. Every once in a while it comes up over here like App Store and Twitter will come up or Facebook. I don't want nothing. Oh yeah, yeah.

His home screen looks like the picture on the box when you buy the iPhone. Wow. I don't know fucking nothing. I got you stream on here, maybe. No, it fell off. I got Twitter. I won't check Facebook. I don't give a fuck about Gmail when I'm on the road.

I don't give a fuck about Instagram. You know what I care about what time it is in New York and what time it is in L.A. You would be great at vining, though. I got a... I told them. Yeah. I write my little jokes over here. bicycle on the streets

Wait It makes me sad That you don't have your voicemail anymore I don't even have voicemail no more Yes I'm not a turn I still erase every message I erase every fucking message

I don't even listen to him If it's like from an individual I just erase the fucking thing No I meant your greeting Because like I would get excited You do change it like every three months Yeah You're greeting you'd be like

Like if you had one for the holidays You'd want for like Happy Easter cocksucker You leave a message I'll fucking have you and your fucking family. You don't know how many times I've had people go, I'm not leaving a message, and you

haven't insulted me, and they've hung up the fucking phone. And that's why I do it, people. I have that message because I don't want nobody fucking around with me. You follow what I'm saying? Listen, I used to work for these fucking heavy-duty Jews. Right? These are the best fucking Jews ever. And they used to have,

what is it saying, unable to download application. Fuck you. Mine don't even say done. It says, fuck you. And this is a true story. We worked for a sports betting service. And the first two lines of that pitch were the most offensive lines on that screen.

I forget what they were. It was like if you're a fucking loser and your mother's a loser, that's why you called our number, cut it out. You couldn't repeat the words. You couldn't even say it. It was so horrible. And one day I went to him, I go, do I have to say that? He goes, yes. Because I want you to say and I want the people to hang up.

Because if they hang up, I know they're not in. It eliminates it. He goes, when I call you, I either want the people to die, change their number, or hang up. If they don't do that, then they're going to buy. That was his philosophy. So he blew you out of the water. The first two lines, like, you're a fucking loser,

and your mother's a loser. Grab the credit card, you're going to $2 an o tonight. Like, something fucking outrageous. So, you know, sometimes you got to blow people out of the water, I wouldn't want somebody to come to the show and be insulted by us talking about pulling this string. You guys all knew the content before you walked in. You knew this show could go any fucking direction, and I appreciate that. But sometimes people come to a show, and then 30 minutes in, you see them leaving.

Then the next day, you get a letter in the fucking mail. It's saying that you insulted me, and you're like, what happened to YouTube? You know what I'm saying? I'd go see a stupid fucking movie. It sold out. What do you want to do, Brian? I don't know. We drove all the way

at the Pasadena. Let's do something. Comedy club. You know to a comedy club? Sure, who is it? Joey Diaz. The church podcast, Joe Rowe. You know any of these people now?

YouTube this fucking moron. He's talking about cock and pussy and lighting a wig on fire from some fucking hooker. Obviously, I'm a Christian. I don't want to hear that. Right or wrong. Right, 100% right.

How you doing, buddy? You ready for another Cheebo Chew? Is that what that... Is that what I had? Is that what you gave me? That shit's fucking strong, dude. He's a green horned Cheebo shoes. And they're only...

This is only in fucking... Listen to me, motherfuckers. This is only in Denver. We got them here tonight. Now, I don't have none for any of the guys. I have one for a beautiful woman. Not you. Not you.

Hold on. Hold on, hold on. Only Jesus is free. Ain't nothing free in this life. You know those drinks you're drinking right now? You know those drinks you're drinking? Ha-ha, with your boyfriend, you're paying for those later. You pay for everything in this life.

So does he. It's Sprite. You're drinking a Sprite. Oh, my God. What do you drink tomorrow? I'm like Mountain Dew. Oh, my God. It's Saturday.

Fucked the Sprite. Somebody's got to Sprite. I want a woman to fart in Lee's face tonight real quick. Even if you just come up and put your ass in his face backwards and just back it up. That's later. We got to take baby steps here, all right? I don't want it to go into shock here already.

You get some chick that ain't hummus for lunch and had Japanese food for dinner and then she wants to cut a fart in my little brother's face. He can't handle that. He's a rookie, you know what I'm saying? You got to start him off slow. He just put your asshole in your face. face and go pat with your mouth

and then the next time we fart in his face, then the next time I'll find the chick with diarrhea and so on. Lee, do you get a lot of massages? No, I've never done that. Have you ever heard of rubmaps.com? We went to San Jose

and the guy who opened for him showed me a red book. What is the fucking prostitute one? Oh, there's so many. It's called like Redmond. book or something, but... No, no, you should go to rubmaps.com.

It's a... It's Yelp for massage parlors. Like, you can pretty much, like, put whatever you want, like, the age, like, 18 to 19, you know. You go to the massage parlors? Huh? I went through this... You know, Joey, I went through this crazy stage about six months ago where I went crazy drinking, crazy, ridiculous shit. I went to massage parlors for my first time and got whacked off.

I just went... I made myself do all this shit. And they whack you off. Huh? They whack you off. Oh, they fuck you if you want them to. And we're talking like nice neighborhoods, like fucking silver like that. It's like this nice place. And you're like, what?

No way. Oh, yeah. $150, $180 in and out. You choose which girl you want. There's like a, you know, madame or whatever they're called. I don't even know what they're called. Half of them still have like, you know, like where the tan lines, where the rope was when they were carried into this country. I get too much anxiety.

You get to the strip club. When the chick bounces on my leg, I get fucking anxiety. I just, I can't, if you're going to show me the pussy or not, but don't jump up and down. On my leg playing fucking Alfred Hitchcock. I don't like that shit. You know what I'm saying? I gave you $20.

Show me your snacks. That's it. I'll be happy. I don't want to touch it. I don't want to do nothing. I'm a Catholic. I don't need to touch your pussy or bite it. Just show it to me.

I don't, you know, dance and try to jerk me. You know, you're coming your pants, guys, and your jeans. How disgusting is that? That's fucking horrible. Tell these women. Don't do that to me, dog. You're going to make me come take it out and wipe it with a towel or on your leg or swallow it. But don't fucking make me come in your jeans.

You just come in your jeans. You got to walk around with that humidity in your fucking pants. It's like this humidity in your fucking pants. And then you get in the car and you're on the 134 and you're like, let me go in there and see what kind of mess I got in there. And you come out like with the spider web of cum on your hand. And you're trying to drive. And you got like a half a hook in the fucking thing.

And then it's leaked to your ball. Some of it leaks. Because like the yolk stays around your dick. But the liquid sits and goes into your asshole. Now you got your own cum and your own ass. That always ends up bad, dog. Sometimes you come and you lay there. I don't mind coming up my own stomach.

You know what I'm saying? Sometimes I'll jerk off and just come in my stomach and lay there. And you feel special. You feel like fucking. I'm like a fucking king and shit maybe a pigeon will come and lick it off my stomach that'd be a dream for me like to whack off one day in the living room and just be laying there

nobody's around and have like a window open a pigeon just walks in licks it and fucking flies away these are the this is what goes into my head but I can't imagine whacking off and letting them come come on your leg and then it drips down into your asshole and you got to lay there and tell somebody a story.

Like you know what? What? Just start off slow. Get an old lady. They have the softest hands and move. You know, like they used to be a doorgirl that used to work here. She was like 65.

Big fucker. She still works here. She puts on like stock. She got a wig on. Like, I would love to tear that bitch up. It could be arranged. Just to smack her real hard. See the wig fly off.

Remember? Remember when GSP fought John Fitch and he knocked his mouthpiece up? Remember he hit John Fitch and the mouthpiece went out. Tell me how good it would it be to smack a woman and see the wig fly off. And you tackle the bitch. Suck it, bitch. You could do that in Grand Theft Auto, by the way. It's a joke. I wouldn't smack a bitch and make the wig fly out. I would tackle like a football player and let the wig fly off. Now, that's a big story this week.

Fucking a billion dollars. a billion dollars in games, Grand Theft Office. Almost in one day. Can you imagine a movie coming out and making a billion dollars its first day? That's what he said. That's what he said. Lee goes, the studios have to be looking at this shit. Because

a billion fucking dollars in... How much are they apiece, guys? 60 bucks. Break it down. How many of those? A bill... Now, come on. Get your fucking iPhone. You fucking maggots. Let's see. Come on, motherfuckers. I'm terrible at this shit. I got no glasses, so I can't do it.

Come on. What do you want to know? What do you want to know? How many fucking units was that? Okay. A billion divided by 60. One billion divided by 60. It looks like the answer is approximately 1.66667x 10 circumflex.

1.6 million units. 1.6 million kids bought that today. What about the ones that stole it and made copies? They're all at their house right now. jazzed up drinking fucking Red Bull and that fucking dragon juice See how many fucking kids are gonna get shot on Monday at fucking school

Watch, see how many fucking kids Are gonna get hit by a fucking car Saturday night tomorrow The biggest amount of hookers will be dead In this country on fucking Sunday morning Pop the statistics, they'll be dirty hookers dead How many cars will be stolen this fucking weekend? So you think about that shit

You think about that shit, people. That's real. Oh, it's $16 million. Because half of these fucking kids are going to watch and go, fuck it. I'm going to go rob a car or shoot somebody. Something's good going to happen on this, you know. Lee, look at the fucking shit. You ready for another one?

Fuck you. Oh. So what's this story? You're going to fart in his face? You're going to put your ass in his face out of respect for the church? Are you just going to sit there? Kiss him on the cheek. You're drinking Sprite and now you want to kiss somebody on the cheek.

What is he, the third fucking gray? I'll kid this. See what I'm saying? Do you see what I'm saying? You see this is the youth of today. A kiss in the fucking cheek. That's what you get. Who gives the fuck?

I'm 52. If I were, until you're 50, you got one foot the grave, one of banana peel. Farton that face. Bart in that face. Put that 50-year-old asshole in his face and let it rip. One good one. I know you had some yogurt today or something.

Rip a fucking fart. So what? Listen, everybody loves smelling somebody else's fart. For a couple minutes. You ever like take a... What? No. Yes, you do.

We all do. Smelling other people's farts? Let's say right now, if I go, Brian, I just farted. You go, ew. But you're not going to get up. You're going to take a whiff of it and then go, oh my God, that's terrible. Or say, oh, my God, it's terrible, but it turns you out, essential way. No.

I've had the hottest girls in the world fart, and they still stink. I hate it. I don't want it? You like that, don't you? For real. You really like a little butt. You like butt. I never had a woman fart in my face.

So you do it. But I would love, if I would have, if I had a woman fart in my face, I'd have, like, the chick from Blue Bloods, the chick that was married to the quarterback from New England Patriots, and then he dumped her for... I put you this way. The guy from New England dumped her

while she was fucking pregnant. Yeah, whatever. Monaghan, and he dumped her for the Brazilian chick. Now, there's not a man in this room that wouldn't let the Brazilian chick fart in your fucking fake. What's her name? Adrienne Bonbezell.

What's her name? Giselle Bunches. So she's all butching, half of these motherfuckers, if she came in here, because you can see she's got one of those pussies and her hair straight. Looks like, looks like she's,

looks like she's got a goate between her legs. Like, ha ha ha ha ha. So she walked into the room and said, excuse me, I want to fright in your face. So I tell you what,

I'm going to take my eye out because I don't want to miss this. You know what I'm saying? I want you to fart in my eye socket. That's how I'm going to take my eye. Hold on. The surgeon is on the way. That's how hot his fucking wife is.

But he dumped Monahan. I would let her fart in my face. I'll tell you why I would let fart in my face. Even though she's old, Diane Sawyer, just to see. Why? Diane Sawyer is a fine bitch. She's just like 55. She'll suck your dick, Diane Soya.

She will. That's my girl. Nobody calls me at 6.30. I will fucking go crazy on you if you call me, especially when you can dun, dun, dun, da, and she comes out. I could do Suzanne Summers, that chick still.

I bet she's 80 fucking years old. I don't care. I bet she's still nice. She's half-retarded. She's 80 and half-fucking. Oh, yes. In a fucking heartbeat. Fuck, yeah. I would take Ms. Obama with that.

Look, I'm closing my eyes because I'm living in. Like I'm living it I'm living that big black ass And she's got like She's got like She's hippie So you can hold on with him Oh

And won't walk back with you Like that was tremendous Next time I wear a helmet You know what I'm saying? I would do her with you Oh Oh guys there's some There's some women

There's some about certain women You girls are like Oh she's ugly And so about certain women that guys go crazy. And they don't have to be an ugly. It's something that, you know, I had a friend that was a stripper. And she goes, I have the finest strippers at my club in the world. But I have this girl that comes in, it looks like a school girl,

and she wears a school shirt skirt with no tits, flat chested. She makes double what we make. And she ain't even that good looking. There's just some women that get you with the way they walk something. There's some women that hang about looks. Who's got that? Boops. No, it's not the boobs either.

I think if a flat-chested woman's kind of sexy in a way because you're like saying, fuck it, you're telling me that even though your tits are small, that pussy's ready to rock. You know what I'm saying? When I see a chick that's flat-chested and she wears no bra, that bitch is telling me, listen,

I got little titties, but I'm like that guy with one hand. You know, like, you ever mean a guy that's crippled? That other hand is double strong. Same thing. I may have little tits, but this pussy's gonna get you. Like, Gloria. Gloria and Stefan in 79.

The rhythm's going to get you. You're going to get you. You see a woman like that. When I see a woman that's flat-chested or small breast, it turns me on because this woman's telling me, you know what, I'm in Hollywood, where every woman has to have fake breasts. And don't get me wrong, I like that too.

But I got little tits, but I'm throwing that type of heat. I don't need big tits, but look at this ass. Look at this motherfucker what I'm going to do to you. And I'm going to back it up into your face and wiggle that mother's. and make those lips pop. Get it together. Anyway, so that's it.

You know, you really can't put your fucking hands on. How about you there, Tarzan? Look at the shape. We're just going to put you in your car and lay you down, put the seatbelt down. Write a no for the cops. I feel you, bro. I haven't ate yet.

Are you going to eat something? But Mrs. Obama, is something about it? I mean, listen, guys. And some people are like, well, she's black. Name me one hot president's fucking wife. That ugly fucking... Nancy Reagan. Nancy Reagan?

Oh, fuck, yeah. She was kind of cute, but she was like small, like ratty. She was on pills and shit. You know what I'm saying, right? Was that her? No, she was the one that started Don't do drugs. Oh, wait, whatever. Don't do drugs, but then they do drugs anyway.

Who gives a fuck? But there's something about Mrs. O'Block. It's 2013. There's a lot of people who get mad. And I got mad, too. When I seen it, I can't lie to you. I'm there and all I see that, and I'm like, not Conan O'Brien, but I saw another show dancing.

I lost my fucking mind. I'm like, that's a president's wife. She can't be doing that shit. Also, I'm like, wait a second. It's 2013. Why not? Who says the president's wife? I live in the White House with that old, ugly motherfucker

in that thing with secure. Imagine being a woman, you can't go out. You're home every night with 40 guys around you with guns. You can't even yell when you fuck because you can't go, oh, oh! You got a swat right there. So, think of how that poor fucking lady. You got to think about Mrs. Obama for a second.

So here she is high stepping. Did you see her with her little sneakers on and shit? And she's got little tits too. That's how you can tell that she don't give her fuck. And she got those muscular arms. Let's be sure hold on to that bed and put that ass. And you're fucking and you're looking like that vein going. You know it's.

Which one? If you had to choose, Obama or Diane Sawyer. Obama? What are you talking about? No. I'll put me in the middle. That's a Neapolitan. You know what I'm saying?

Oh, my God. That's a double-stuffed Oreo. I always tell people, it's a disgusting scene in a movie. And I would never do it because I don't have those type of chops. There's guys that get away with this handsome guys that get. get away with that. Benjamin Bratt, is that his name, the Spanish guy? Yeah. Benjamin Bratt in the movie named Panero.

There's one scene where he's shooting heroin in both arms like this, like a soldier. He's got two chicks sucking his dick. That's success. You have a car and a Porsche. Oh my God, I have a great family, yeah, but you've never done that. Like Jesus, like this. That's a party. What do you think, Lee, you filthy fuck?

I have no idea. No, no, I don't understand Diane Sawyer. Listen, let me explain something to you. I was talking to my Cuban buddy over here before the thing. And we were talking about men and women, like we were talking. I'm a Spanish dude, but I saw. what my mother did to my stepfather. My mother was a Cuban woman with me and she'll fucking wear you out.

You know, I love you to death, but... And I always felt that Latin woman would wear me to fuck out. For some reason, when I came to this country, I wanted to be American so fucking bad that I liked white chicks. Like the other day there was a movie that I liked the girl when I was a kid, her name is Diane Rigg. She was in The Avengers. She was an English dirty chick with fucking fucked-up teeth.

like Robert Plant. I've always liked white chicks. Like I've always liked dirty white chicks from Michigan, Indiana. Ohio. Texas, they're too pretty. Texas, they're too cleaned up. I like them dirty. Or they might have, like, dirt on their heels,

or one of their toenails might be busted or something. I'm saying? I like women from Saugus, Michigan. Like shit like that. And Diane So... Saginaw. Saginaw. Skaginor.

Skaginor, right? Skaginor, that whole thing. S-K, C-U-Y, Bay City is up there, and those women are fucking dirty, but they're hot. I was talking to, I swear to God, people, and I'm no fucking Brad Pitt. I'm doing Traverse City,

the Festival of Cherries. All right, and the waitress is talking to me, the way I'm talking to you guys. And I swear to God, I was there 10 minutes. I didn't say nothing perverted to her or nothing. And some guy was there talking to her and she goes, you think I'd rather

be here? I'd rather be at home. Take it in the ass. That catches your attention right there. Even if she's a fucking mongoloid missing a leg. You're like, this chick rather be at home, taking it in the ass? Wait a second. We got to talk to this fucking bitch. But then I thought about where I was. I was in

Michigan. There's some dirty bitches in Michigan. I got no play, you know, I got no game, I'm not red band or the other guy. You're leaving? Go home. I'm going to the restaurant. What happened? Well, hurry up. Why you gotta take her?

Leave her here. He's got to protect her, man. He's gonna be fine. Look at. Oh, she gotta go, all right. Well, then what the fuck are you going? Let her go. Let her go, fuck it's her problem.

Next time don't try. That's a Spanish guy. That's a romantic. Let me walk. People are gonna do. Somebody's gonna hit her where to fucking get You know? I love Spanish.

I'm Spanish. I'm Cuban. It's going to be. I talk Spanish. I love going out and calling fucking waiters, Bremont. I love the whole Latin experience. Latin women, I love Latin women. It's once you get to the bed with them, it all fucking changes. Latin women. Latin women don't fuck around. You know what I'm like tonight? My wife goes to me,

where are you going tonight? I got to send the accent. She goes, you never told me. But she didn't say nothing. If I was married to Becky, Cuban woman, Becky would go, where are you going? To the ice house. You ain't going. I got to go. There's a show. You didn't tell me.

You got to stay. And you got to start an argument with him. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Where you're going? Where you've been all my life? Look at this. She's the prettiest girl in Pasadena. That's my all-time favorite right there. Give her a round of applause. Don't forget the temper either. This girl don't work on fucking compliments. Give her a 10. Give her a 20. She got a date tonight. She told me. Trying to push her.

She's a beautiful girl. Huh? So we need to buy her in a date. We'll take her off for a date. You. Oh. She got her own date. She don't need us fixed.

She don't need Match.com. She's a fucking... She's a 12 and a half. And you're 12 and a half. You don't need Match.com. Match.com needs her to pull her up. Like, these are the girls we have, and then they'll fucking...

And trust me, you're not black enough for her. Well, for Matt's dot com. That's.com? You got to be black? No, no. It's nothing. Nothing. I don't get that.

What are you assaulting black people for? No, I was saying the waitress. Trust me, you're not black enough for her. Me? No, the waitress. And you, I guess. I don't know what's on. I don't care. I don't care.

I'm so fucking high, it don't matter. You've been so high, nothing matters. You guys were great. Look at his eyes. Your eyes look like two vaginas. Look at you shit. Let me ask you something. Right now.

As friends and family, what are you craving right now? What could you eat? I'm at the point where I'm too high to be hungry. Like, in 20 minutes, in 20 minutes, I'll be like, I want some spicy chicken sandwiches from Wendy's. But, like, I can't go there tonight. Yeah, we are. That's after this.

Pretzel burger fucking Wendy's. That shit's the bomb. It's like Baconator, but with pretzel bread and more kind of cheese to it. You know what happens to? He don't want nothing like that. So we're going to wrap it up here. Yeah, we got it. We got another fucking show tonight, my love.

Yeah, we got Death Squad show tonight. And you wouldn't come back and fart in his face. I don't have time for this shit. You're my 51-year-old. What happened? A quiff? He'll take a quiff to the face. Oh.

That's not... Wait. That is not worse. How do you think a quiff is worse than a fart? Give him a little quiff. I saw that cellpark episode in the... What's a quiff? That comes out of your monkey?

Yeah. Yeah. Where'd you take a quiff over a fart from a stranger girl? Go, me, go. Look at my face. I'll take anything. You know what I'm saying? When you look like me, you're going to take what...

Back the way. Yeah, everything all right? Becky, where you at? God damn it. She's giving an 8 plus over a B minus. Relax, dog. That's it. You talked enough for the night.

Let's talk about the next. My ball's itchy now. I got like this rash. I can't fucking take care of it. I don't know what it is. It's not really a rash. Like an itch. Like I have like a...

And there's nothing there. I looked at it with the mirror. There's nothing there. I know a girl that has herpes in the audience over there. Whoa! Who's got the herpies? Some girl in the corner I yelled out herpes.

She immediately is like, you're like, I got a little itch. It's herpes. I know, I know. Good for you. Good for you. That means you're getting out there. I love you.

What good is a pussy if you didn't get herpes at least one time? You want to date a girl? Nothing? What the fuck? You didn't get crabs, a little rash around your asshole,

nothing? You ever go down on a girl and you film pop like bubbles? Like the little herb? No, that's disgusting. That's not going. A pop. What do you put space rocks in there?

I have done that. I have done that. I put space rocks in the girls. It was her idea in Boulder. Some fucking college girls. Put space rocks in my pussy. Fucking thing starts popping and shit. I've done that too. Yeah. Girls love that shit. Girls love all that crazy.

Has any girl done that here before? Put pop rocks in your pussy? Don't do it. You can get a yeast infection pretty easy that way. but if you're a guy and you can trick a younger girl in the doing I totally try it

Red Ben if a woman stands next to you she might get a yeast yeah no no but you know just if they stand next to you like I got a yeast instead I actually actually use monostat 7 to

masturbate now because I fucked a girl that got a yeast infection and she's like you know guys can carry yeast infections and so I'm like

what am I supposed to do and if you Google it it says to you put monostat on your dick And minus that, it's just a lotion, so I've just been using it to masturbate because it's like healthy for you. Let me ask you guys something. You ever have certain things that sounds worse than like. If you come to me and said, you know what, Joey, you're kind of cute. I want to fuck your brains up, but I got syphilis.

Depending on what day it is and what mood in my heart, I'll fuck you. You know what I'm saying? Fuck it. You go for a shot. But when somebody comes to me and said they got yeast effects, and you think, oh, fuck. I'm shit. You're like, I don't know. Yeast that's milk and eggs and yogurt.

Something about a yeast infection is always just give me like the, what are the Cubans, blah. Aeschore, thank you. Especially when it comes out like mozzarella after sex. Like the size of quarters. Have you ever seen a really bad one? What happened to this podcast tonight? This is usually... Lee, you want there for another...

One more. No. One more. One more, you ready? One more, little bite. Pound for pound, me and you. Me and fucking Red Band. We'll eat one more.

I already had another one. What did you eat? How many you eat? I had one full one. All right, let's eat. Let's split this three ways. There you go. Ready for Red Band?

Sure. Let's do it. I have a comedy show to do after this. That's right. Leave. Lee. Lee. Lee.

Lee. Leave, leave. Leave, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I love me too much, though. He'll call me tomorrow morning crying and shit. I can't believe he did this stuff, but I'm happy. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. I'm happy you people came out tonight.

A lot of shit's going on, people. I am really happy. You motherfuckers came out tonight. You guys were funny as fuck tonight. We talked about some wild shit, man. You know, man, regardless of these live podcasts, sometimes you just come up here and just let the show dictate itself. It's not like you don't see no fucking paper around here, do you?

This ain't like no show on NBC. Oh, my God. Community is so funny. That the fuck. At least there they say cut and they do it again. This is us live. This is the beauty of this. There ain't no directors here.

There ain't no fucking PA saying that was hilarious. It's you, me, red band, the flying Jew, edibles, and fucking balls. You understand me? That's it. This is all this is. And I can't believe in the beginning. You guys got me going.

I don't even know what the fuck we talked about. Poopies. I had subject in my head to talk about, oh yeah, like skinny women. You know, sometimes I like to really address women. Because a lot of women go out, I've been in places where women are like, look at her, she's so beautiful. And you know they're bullshit. Now somebody else goes, look at her. You know, how come she get, like, everybody's baffled about Kim Kardashian.

Like, I always hear how every woman is baffled. Like, what the fuck happened? Well, she sucked a cock on fucking camera. Okay? And she ran with it. It's not that she sucked the dick on camera. Don't be mad at somebody because they sucked a dick. It's what she did afterward.

So next time you guys go out and suck some guy's dick, it's what you do afterward. You understand me? She fucking marketed. She went on Facebook. I suck a dick tonight. What did you do? Oh my God.

We went to a club and we're in VIP. No. But you didn't suck a dick in marketing. Why stand on line and suck a dick if you're not going to market it? I want you to think about that, ladies, before you judge it. I don't like her either. She ain't my fucking type of savage with a little fat fucking... I don't like it.

I like the sister, a young one, the one that's always whiny, yeah. That she's married to Calabasas. Fucking Scott, that fucking Momo. Who? Like that guy, at this age right now, if I saw him, and I've said this a thousand times, If I saw him and I was a little high and I had like an hour I would try to talk him into sucking my dick

Every time I see him I go That's the guy That's the guy But if I was I would just push him until you suck my dick You know like come on Just try it one time Come on this

It tastes good I'm not gay Yes you are I didn't say you were gay But I know you want to suck a dick You just confuse them like law and order You know when they got you in that room And they just stood the black

guy and the white guy's talking that shit. And you're like, what? What? I wasn't there. The same thing. You could do that at home, too. Like, you can do that for somebody and just fucking, and also they'll just suck it. They'll just tap out. If you stop, I'll suck your dick. All right.

Seriously, you gotta do that to people sometimes. Just fucking keep pounding them. Like, it's not abuse, it's torture, you know? It's like Lee. Six months ago, he wouldn't even discuss taking a fart to the eyeball. But I was persistent.

About a week ago, he looked at me and he goes, you know what? At this point, I don't fucking can't. Yeah. Look at the shape of you. Right now, if a girl came up there and farted, he wouldn't know what to do. He just like would give in to the rape.

He just like, And they just blast in his mouth And he'd run to the bathroom and get sick and cry Like a virgin, he just cried Are you into bondage or anything like that? Would you ever go to a bondage party or a sex party? Well, no, but when you guys were talking about vibrators earlier My girlfriend and I, like, we just got one

And I've never done that with a girl before And that's fucking, I was worried it wasn't going to be cool It was fucking awesome. Oh, yeah. Do you smell it? It's not when you stick in, it's like a vibrator. So it goes z-z-z. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Is it a little finger one? Yeah, yeah. You sniff it afterward? No, I never said, well, I just go right in. You're in your house, isn't it? Yeah. So sniff it, tonight and whack off. Sniff it, rub it in your forehead.

The sniffing. Just machine gun. Just machine gun, your little Hindu died. Sniffing doesn't do anything for me, dude. I don't get it. I don't get it. So hold on. So if you sniff the girl's ass or pussy,

don't do nothing for you. The ass probably probably could. gross me. I mean, I like it, but it's not like, I'm not going to go, like, I'm not going to go home and, like, smell something. Like, if I look, like, the smell alone doesn't do anything. So, if, if, if a girl came up there and we blindfolded you. Yeah. And we laid you down and she opened up that little monkey and we put your nose there. What did you did? Would you turn on? Yeah. But I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I wouldn't, like, at home be like, oh, I can't wait to, like, it's not something you think about. It is nice, but. So you're sitting there? Yeah. There's nothing on 11.35.

You're bored to pieces. Okay. You go through the TV, and all of a sudden it's like 10-second preview of some chick getting fucked in the ear. And now you get out. You get joked up, and you take your dick out, and also the preview goes away.

So now you're left there, like, like at the junior prom. You got the limo and shit. You're like, what am I going to do? I'm like, oh, fuck. I go sniff the vibrator, and they'll get the senses going. And I can bang one out

and that's when you get your hips involved on the fucking you make all those perverted faces and you come on your couch and you just leave it there you're like fucking I got it so that's what I'm saying it's not like you're sitting there going

I can't wait to get home to sniff the fucking vibrator that's what I'm talking about so it's like let me ask you this when you sniff a fucking McDonald's cheeseburger you go fucking nuts you don't get the urge

to jerk off You get the ears to eat that motherfucker like a savage, don't you? Yeah, I smell like that. Okay, then, same thing, so don't be bullshit me. If I put a fucking girl's little taint right in your face right now, I'm blindfold you, and just put your hands behind you, just keep whiffing it by you, like a pendulum. After, like, three minutes, you'll be trying to bust out of that.

you'll be like one of those fucking I can't even say it so don't bullshit me all right that's why I love you Lee that's what makes the church such a great podcast that he's such a sweet guy and so vulnerable I wish guys that I tape half the shit

I say to him sometimes I just get super high and I have nobody to torture and I call this poor guy but the best The best thing I ever witnessed was the day we were driving the San Diego, and I must have eaten a pound of edibles. And I'm down there driving, cutting people off, just saying shit to Lee. Like, Lee, I can't wait until you get this chick, we're going to stab her. And while she's bleeding out, I'm going to have a fart in your face.

And Lee's looking at me like, what are you talking about? Like, no, that's disgusting. No, the one that got me. One that got him was, I go, what are these we're going to do? Before she farts in your face, we're going to have her suck your dick. And then when you're coming in the mouth, you're going to punch you in the stomach real hard. She's going to puke up the cum, and then she's going to snort it with a straw, right? He kept saying, pull over.

Pull over. He kept going, blah, pull over. You've never done that. I'm like, all the time. You always got a kid. Sometimes you punch them from, you kick them real hard, and they'll come right out.

They come a projectile out of their mouth. Then you give them like a big bazooka straw. Like one of those straws from the Chinese restaurant on the East Coast. You ever see those? I don't even know what I'm talking about. There's no, no, I'm up to that. So fucking high.

So fucking. Let me tell you what happened today. I had a workout at 11.30. I had to go to Jiu-Jitsu. And then at 2 o'clock, I had a meeting. So I couldn't go to Jiu-Jit-Too high because then if I can't breathe, I have a heart attack, right? I have a stress test, and I had these 200 milligrams chocolate mint, chocolate bars, 35 calories, perfect for a fat fuck, right? So I'm like, fucking, I'm going to eat one of those, but I can't wait.

So I went to J-Jit-Too when I got in. While I was naked and the water was running, I stuck the fucking candy bar in my mouth like a savage. Usually you eat edibles with clothes on. I said, fuck it. I'm eating this shit commando today, right? So I ate that, went in the shot. When I came out, I inhaled one of these motherfuckers. So by 145, I already was in 275 milligrams.

Deep. And I went on Laurel Canyon. That's fear factor, okay? Fuck, you suck in some Hindu's dick behind Rouse. Let me see you go down Laurel Canyon with 275 fucking men. milligrams of THC and you listen to fucking Metallica.

Hey, hey, what's your life? What I'm not? Hey, come young man. You're no longer tear. Hey, hey. Oh my God. I'm your lead. Make you real.

And I'm fucking, fucking, you are real. I campaign. Sad but true. Oh, Bam, ba-da-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. When that, listen, you think about it tonight. When you go home, I go, one thing for Uncle Joey, put the earphones on and put the beginning of that on.

It has one. It goes, da-da-da-da-da-ba-bba-bba-bba-b. I was fucking ready to kill somebody. I'm like, I'm going to run this motherfucker over and go right off the fucking cliff. Like, like, like, Errol Smith's daughter in the video. I'm not... Fuck it. I'm closed my eyes.

I don't want to fall asleep. I was going to take that motherfucker. I swear to you. I was so fucking high, and I went to Chiba. Cheba on sunset. You guys ever go to that place? Yeah. It's like an organic place, and I had the

Missou Lai salad with the fucking mama known is spaghetti, only a half water because I'm watching fucking the weight, you know what I'm saying? And I inhaled that, and that bounced me. That took some of the edge off. And then I stayed virginity until about 7.15. I popped two of these. and I pop them with him

because I wanted to give you motherfuckers a good show, you know what I'm saying? So I appreciate you guys came out tonight and made it happen. Sad but true. Bound, any questions for Red Man? Hit him.

Red Band, what's worse? The Gouie Bear or his banana bread? Oh, the banana bread. I mean, I've never, that put me right to sleep. Like, I had to go in the next room and lay there and collect my thoughts

during a podcast. He was talking to himself. Huh? He was in the hallway, listening to him. I had the banana bread. And he kept. saying to himself, how did I let Joey Diaz do this to me?

And then he was taping people. He was texting people. Don't eat Joey Dears. Don't eat Joey Deer's. He texts me. What the fuck is this, motherfucker? Fuck you, man. Fuck you.

You fuck me up, man. I got to lay down now. I got to lay down. Yeah, that shit was fucked up. Have you seen the devil yet? Have I seen the what? The devil, like what Joey said when he went. Oh, I don't see the devil.

the devil. I see a lot of colors and stuff like that. He saw the fucking devil. I mean, yeah. I died on mushrooms recently and it scared the fuck out, I mean, and I couldn't even walk. It was the first time where I couldn't even walk. Like, I'd walk, my legs aren't working. What the

fuck? Like, I've had mushrooms where I've seen so much shit, but I've never had it where it just, like, I had to lay on the ground because I couldn't move. And I was puking a lot and it was horrible. I mean, I did like weird Buddha things where I'm staring at walls. And I'm like, what?

And then my friend that was also sure she was able to come in. She's like, why are you posed like that? And I'm like, oh, my God, I don't know. What I'm, I was, I think I was just trying to relax and not die. Like, that was definitely an overdose. Like, I took, I got these mushrooms, mushrooms from some Russian chicks. And they were the first time I ever saw them where they were like, seriously, huge like this. Like, what are they called?

Full cap. Like, it was like, like, I've never. They look fake. And I'm like, oh, my God, I just ate a bunch of mushrooms. So then I didn't know how to split it up, and I was not thinking. And so, like, I just like, all right, well, we could just split this in half and then make tea and just not drink the whole thing. And then so we made the tea and stuff, and it wasn't that much. We're like, shit, what do we do?

So we just both drank it. And then it was probably, I don't know how much now. I can't remember. But it was probably we both ate a quarter of mushrooms to, like, whatever the other next thing, ounce. Yeah. Oh. That was for Lee. I want to get the vibrator and put in it and sniff it.

Like a really attractive rich cougar. Where's that 51-year-old? She left already. She said, fuck it, we got to go. Oh, there she is. All right, there's my girl. The cougar is still here. The cougar has risen.

I got to go. Any questions for my man Lee? No. And Lee, if you had to fuck you, you think his life would do it? I'm not gonna answer that question. That's gross. I'm really fucking...

Look at the fucking shape of him. How high does he look, lady? What does he need? Fucking instructions? Look at him. He's sitting there like this. Look, this is my impersonation of Lee. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

My little brother, Lee, put the collar. It's my little brother. and you got to do this to him listen if you guys listen to the podcast our motto is you got to get outside your comfort zone from time to time he's going to get in that car and the who's going to be on or the B-52s or somebody

is going to change his fucking life forever I'll never forget this is a true story that we've got to get out of here one of the best times I ever had was one night Joe Rogan called me we're at the comedy store and he called me up and he goes hey are you going to be at the store or not

he goes yeah he goes I'm going to be there you know okay I'll see you there so he comes in he's got this stupid fucking look on his face and about an hour later we're talking and he goes he looks at me and he goes the other night I had the best chocolate sunday

I've ever had and I go what are you talking about there was a banana split and he goes I smoked pot with Eddie I got fucked up and I had a banana split and it was fucking tremendous you know what

he went out of this comfort zone. Sometimes you've got to go out of your comfort zone, guys. So that's why I give them some edibles and fuck them up and get them all fucked up in the mornings. I get them nice and stone in the fucking mornings. Listen, nobody wants to go on a 405 straight. If you go on a 405 straight, I fucking hate your guts

because there's only one way to go on that 405. And that's a little stone and just take a chance, right by support, with a fucking zip into that HOV and step on it, motherfucker. Even if you're by yourself. As soon as you said, motorcycle cop, just cut them off. Do what I do. Cut that motherfucker off and get into lane number three.

He's done. He was, fuck, I ain't going back. I got to get to the airport. All right. Look at you. So I'm happy you motherfuckers came out. We're going to be outside smoking dope and having a good time of you.

Thank you very much for coming out tonight. Thank Red Band one more time and the flying jute.