The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - The Church Of What's Happening Now Live #08

Episode Date: October 31, 2013

Ari Shaffir joins Lee and Joey for a crazy live podcast. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Visit Dollarshaveclub.com/church for great deals. Recorded live on 10/30/2013.

This show is sponsored by Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to Huluplus.com slash Joey. That's Huluplus.com slash Joey. And by Dollar Shave Club.com. Get high-quality razor sent to your door each and every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Now, go to Dollar Shave Club.com slash church. Or just go to Joey Diaz.

and click on the Dollar Shave Club banner. What's up, guys? I fucking gave me a gummy already, so I'm not going to spend too much time up here. Thank you for coming. The Red Sox just won the World Series. Hey. You guys made it to the playoffs.

That's not nice. Anyways, well, thank you. We're here for the podcast. We do it once a month. It's really awesome that you guys come. We have a great guest again for you. Ari Shafir is in the house. But I'm going to bring up the guy who I do the podcast with The Church of What's Happening now Here he is Joey Diaz

One more time, my little brother, Mr. Lee Syatt All fucking happy You know, I don't hate on nobody I don't hate on the Boston Red Sox But with the Boston Red Sox won You know you're gonna hear a lot of shit You know what I'm saying? Like you're gonna hear a lot of all with the Reds

You're gonna hear a little, just the fucking earbeaten And I'm happy they won that I'm like Lee Lee like sleeps with the Boston Red Sox pajamas he's got the socks, he's got a picture of David Ortiz on his wall. I give him a little 30 milligram edible. He's, I shouldn't eat it. I'm like, if you were in Boston, bitch, what would you be doing right now? Would you be saying, I shouldn't eat this?

No, you'd probably have a beer. You'd be all fucked up right now, jumping up and down with your little fucking buddies in Boston on the street. This is for the victims, whatever the fuck you'd be saying? Right or wrong. Right or fucking wrong, cock sucker. And now you're complaining over a little fucking, uh, A little gorilla biscuit, huh?

Get it together. I know you're 25 and you're half a momo, but it's time for you to break out. I love you, cock sucker. No more this complaining shit. When you either think there's a black kid in Africa right now with flies on him, right? Saying to himself, I hope I had a fucking Cheebo chew.

You know what I'm saying? I wish I had a Cheebo chew. Fuck a pork chop. I don't need a pork chop. If I'm going to die, I want to die high like a motherfucker. You know, you ask a fucking. kid. Next time you send three dollars, I send you the picture. Send that little black kid an email and go,

what would you rather have? A fucking pork chop, fuck, sucker. And with blood from the fly, he just backed on the fucking email screen. He'll send you back a fucking Cheebo chew. You understand me? I'm a little agitated. I'm coming off testosterone. Fuck that shit. You know what, man? Let me tell you something.

We've become a country of fucking suckers. And I got caught up in that sucky shit. All my friends are you 50. testosterone, go to a doctor, get a blood test. You know, you know what testosterone's for? For fucking people, want to molest fucking people. That's what it's for. If you want to molest people, that's what it's for.

I got horny as a motherfucker on that testosterone. I would drive past massage parlors and pull over and creep off fucking slowly and shit. Because my friend told me he got this dick-suck to the massage parlor with saran wrap. That's surreal, but fucking interesting. You understand me? That's surreal shit.

Somebody says, I got my dick-suck with saram-rap on it. You got to go home and think about this. I even went home and put it on my dick just to see how it looked. Just to see, I had some in the kitchen. Fuck it. And then I started thinking about it. Who the fuck sucks your dick with saran wrap? Who's got saran wrap in their pocket?

You understand me? So it came to me. I tell you what happened. She went to work, this fucking little stripper, or whatever the fuck she is, this little massage, this blowjob chick. She went with a box of condoms and a sandwich.

And she goes, fuck it. I bring some saran wrap because I'm going to diet. I'm only going to eat half the sandwich. And I'll put the other half away in my purse. But in walked fucking, she had a good night. She sucked all the fucking condoms. And then the guy came in all puppy-eyed. I don't want my dick sucks.

She's like, I'm out of condoms. And all of a sudden, she remembered, oops. I didn't eat my sandwich yet. I could suck your dick with the saran wrap. So that's what happened. You understand me? So sometimes you got to bring saran wrap with you. But that fucking shit, that's all it did.

It made all you recover faster. Oh, you'll be stronger. You'll feel good about you. That's all this. You know what the fuck. I thought about it for the last year. I've been off it for like five weeks, and I feel just as good as I did before I went on that dumb shit.

And I'll tell you what the fuck it is. We become a country that we don't want to work no more. We don't want to do none. I might be a fat fuck, but I walk around. I go to Wyoming. I try some yoga from time to time. I'll skip it on a fucking dessert. That's work.

That's fucking work, okay? When you smoke pot, listen, when you're a skinny fucking dude or a fat fucking dude and you don't smoke dope and you eat a strawberry shortcake, Shame on you, okay? Shame on you. But if you're a fat dude and you smoke dope,

you motherfuckers are with me on this one? I'm not even with me. That's how high I am right now. Sometimes, you know when you're talking? Like, I'm not with me right now. I got to step out of this fucking high zone and shit. But it's fucked up. That's all it was.

We don't want to do the work no more. So we go to the doctor once a week with a shot. Then I started looking around this doctor's office. You know what it was? It was a bunch of Jews, old motherfuckers that were yoked with wigs on. because they lost their hair from shooting that shit every fucking week. So now they're built and they got yoked and they got a heart on.

That's all it's for, bro. Because God forbid white men don't have a fucking heart on. I'm not talking about you people, you nice white people from Pasadena. What the fuck you're from? I'm talking about those old white guys that run the country when they're 90. They still want to be fucking. Have you seen the grandfather Bush lately? Not the President Bush and his fucking son, but the grandpa, whatever.

Have you seen how retarded? He's such a fucking horny. motherfucker. They got restraints on that motherfucker in his wheelchair. He's always all smiling and shit. They took him to a Hooters contest one day. You should have seen him. He was all retarded, smiling. Ah!

I'm the president, bitch. No, you ain't. You're an old dirty motherfucker on testosterone. You're losing your hair. He was doing so much. They just shaved his fucking head. They just shaved his fucking head. Like the head said, fuck it. I'm done. You don't even think about me no more. That's all it did. It made you want to fuck.

That's all I was all there. fucking horny, I jerk off in the morning, at night. And my wife just had a baby. I can't fuck her. You can't do it. You give her a stabbing once a month, but she just got out of the hospital. I can't fuck her world up again. That pussy's in recovery, you understand me?

It can handle Uncle Joey, but not 80 times a day a dude on fucking testosterone. You know what I'm saying? So I kicked the habit. Fuck it. I'm back on protein powder from GNC. You don't need that shit, dog. And then you know what? All it is is to get us back on the monkey fuck. We're becoming a

bunch of sheep, bro. So our kids are getting bullied, but old people taking testosterone. Why don't you take these faggid kids and give them testosterone and fucking push the fucking cycle so they won't get fucking bullied no more? That's what you need to fucking do. You understand me? Fucking idiots. And don't be a part. That's all we're doing, bro. We're becoming a country of fucking sheep. Listen, when I was growing up for a woman to get a tattoo, you know how many dick she had a suck? For a woman to earn the status to get like a tattoo. Like when I was 10 or 12 or 15 if a chick had a tattoo, I was getting that pussy. It didn't matter. That meant I could rape the bitch.

She wouldn't even holler. She let me rip her clothes off and come on a pussy and smack her and wouldn't call the cops because the bitch had a tattoo. That's how it worked. You understand? I'm not insulting nobody. I'm just dropping some fucking history for you, right? For a woman to get a tattoo, you had to fuck the whole block, suck every dick, swallow it and have them all kick in the stomach, and spit the come out, and then suck it back with a fucking straw. And then maybe you can put it a fucking tattoo on.

Go to the farmer's market on Laurel Canyon on Sunday. See what the fuck you see? A bunch of moms with kids with fucking their arms like hell's angels. The sons of anarchy. These bitches never even gave a fucking hand job behind a church like a decent fucking woman. You can see that they're all a bunch of fucking cunts

that won't even blow their husbands. Their husbands are pushing their carriage like a fucking Momo. And they're like, look at me with a cut-off sleeper. And I want to go up to him and smack them in the fucking face. Suck my dick, bitch. Earn that tattoo. Do some push-ups.

Lick my asshole. That's what it meant. If a chick had a tattoo, she was definitely going to lick your asshole. There was no, like, no, I didn't floss today. There was none of that shit. You lick it even with a sandwich in your mouth.

Give me that fucking asshole. I need some condiment in my sandwich there. Sorry about that shit. I got emotional and shit. It must be the protein powder. You know what I'm saying? I'm going to fuck up. But anyway, thank you very much for coming out here and being a part of the live podcast.

We do this every month, and we're very lucky to have a great, you know, a bunch of people with us. And I want to thank you, motherfuckers. I know it's the night before Halloween. You don't need this shit. Let me tell you another story, all right, motherfuckers, while I'm here. Because I know a lot of you guys are young. There's just a couple older gentlemen like myself here because I'm an old faggot, but let me tell you some stories. And you can call me an old faggot.

I won't get mad at you. That's just the way it is. You guys are young. Let me tell you, you know what you did tonight? You know what I'm 50 now? But you know what I was doing tonight when I was 15? You know what was on my mind? Not watching some fat comedian

and two Jews do a podcast. That was the last thing on my fucking mind. Tonight is devil's night. Do you understand me? You know what fucking devil's night is that somebody's getting killed from the neighborhood? Like if you didn't like that motherfucker tonight, you all got together.

What do you think? Tonight's tonight? And you didn't kill him, like stab him or sacrifice him. You just did something like you. I don't know, lit his house on fire. You just did something. But you did all these things. You got a dozen eggs.

I'll never forget this. In New York City, we'd get a dozen eggs, and we'd take a needle, and you pop the fucking eggs. And then you put that under your bed, and that shit stinks. When those eggs get that air in them, 10, 12 fucking days,

you have no I fucking deer. When you throw that egg at somebody, and it opens up and hits them, oh my fucking God, it just smells bad. Like, you can't get that ass off you for you for weeks. We throw the eggs at Hasidic Jews.

That's who the eggs were targeted for. The stinkies, because when you hit a stinky, one of those fucking Iranian bombs, they were all confused. Then they start smelling like a fucking Iranian. They don't know what the fuck's going on. They don't know what the fuck's going on. But that was just the beginning. Then you got fucking socks and you filled them with flour. You got rocks and you just did a thousand things.

And as a night, you didn't get high. There was no high. That's the pussy's getting high on devil's night. You did this in full fucking. fucking concourse here. They only snorted Coke on the crow. Remember the crow on, that was devil's night. That was devil's night. You let

businesses on fire. You raped a chick and put a tattoo on a shoulder. So, I'm just letting you know how much of a pussy you motherfuckers are. Because 15 years ago, we'd be out fucking some motherfuckers up. And we'd be game of throming this motherfucker up here in Pasadena,

hitting people, throwing shit at cops. And we fuck cops up too. We give them flat tires. Oh yeah. We didn't fuck around. We're the real deal. Fuck it. But I'm happy whatever people came out tonight. Let's give a round of applause to my co-host. One of the baddest working motherfuckers in the land. Mr. Lee

Sayat. What's happening, Lee Lee? You and I had completely different childhoods. I know. What the fuck would you do on Devil's Night? Let me see. What the fuck? It wasn't a big deal. I don't even know. I've heard about it, but they never did that. Like, it was We would be mapping out our roots to...

My parents, my mom's a Jew. She would take us to the next town over, because we lived in a nicer town where it was like house, an acre, house and acre. The town over had duplexes. And she brought us there, and, like, they were right next to each other.

So we would just go up and down. We had to, like, change pillowcases. Like, we were getting ready for that. I've never done devil's night. Oh, Jesus Christ. Why do you hate happiness? He hates happiness. Who's gonna hate on fucking getting candy and Halloween?

Who the fuck gets ready for Halloween the night before, all right? Who ties fucking blankets together? What type of fucking fruit cake are you, all right? When you're nine years old? No, fucking nine years old. When I was nine years old, I didn't even have a fucking pumpkin. I had a shoebox I went out with. Fuck it with a face on it.

I put like a knife in there or something. And you rang fucking people's doorbell and they better have candy and pennies in that motherfucker. Because it wasn't about candy. You had to come home with like $10 or $20. And whoever just gave you candies you just looked at and you were going to come back and fuck with their house throughout the year. Like, that's the way.

If they didn't give you pennies or a couple dollars, you got this shit this year. Wait till it snows, motherfucker. We're going to cover your house with dog shit and everything. And that's what happened. You went to your fucking neighbor because you kind of did it like let motherfuckers know that this year you ain't no Peter Pan no more. You outgrew Peter Pan.

You're fucking the Hulk now and you're slinging dick like a motherfucker. Okay? You didn't do that. See, you prepare? Let's go out and be a ghost. Who wants to be a fucking ghost, okay? You want to go out there and knock on people, trick-or-treat, motherfucker.

It's you, Coco. Yeah, it's me, motherfucker. What do you got? You know, and they look around. Like, they better have, and I don't want no little candy bar. What are my own weight watches? It's Halloween, motherfucker.

I want to go to the dentist next Tuesday. Put that fucking $100,000 bar. Both pieces in that, motherfucker. And put some pennies in there and put an apple in there, too. I might want to be in a move for an apple lady. You know how I roll. It's getting cold out here in fucking Jersey.

Wait, the pennies were for, what was it called? It was a little box. You're supposed to give it to, like, African kids. What fucking box? What African kids? Where'd you grow up? No, they had UNICEF. It's called UNICEF. You go around, and you collect pennies. That's not what you did. What are you talking about pennies? They would just give you money?

Yeah, they give you, like, in the fucking mix of peanuts and chocolate, they throw $18 of pennies, and they mix it up, and in a handful, they gave you fucking pennies. What UNICEF are you talking about? Did no one else my age have it? There was a little orange box and you would get money.

Listen, if I did all that shit, I did all that, I took donations all the time. For who? Taking donations, taking donations and sending it is two different situations. Yeah, we sent it. You know how much? I owe the American Heart money at least a million dollars from those fucking walkathons. Fuck you. I did the walk and I got to give you the fucking money.

You know what I'm saying? I walk dirty miles. I got to give you everything. Fuck you. Let me just. I'll decide what I'll give you. at the end of the fucking walk, okay? I'm gonna walk dirty fucking miles

and you know, these motherfuck give you a dollar a mile and I gotta give them the whole dollar. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'll give you like a quarter of a fucking mile. I'm keeping 75 cents. We think pay for these sneakers, the American Heart Association?

Get your shit together, cocksucker. I robbed them. I robbed St. Michael, C.O. I still own chocolate. I don't give a fuck. Fuck those bitches. I own chocolate and fucking stickers. Fuck those hoes.

I owe my high school millions of dollars I even robbed the scales You know what I'm saying So you guys don't remember You get in Latin fucking Biology class Once it became What's half the biology? Chemistry

After you dissect the frog and shit What do you think? They got triple beam scales You had to sell boxes And magazines to get the scales I would sell the scale I would sell the magazines Pocket half the money Fuck you in your magazines

You ain't getting dick anyway And then after they got the scales, I steal the fucking scale and sell them for wholesale. You see what I'm saying? That's a real fucking Jew where I come from, all right? Why be a Yamika if you're going to walk around and shake hands and dress up like a fucking ghost for it? What the fuck do you need a Yamika for?

Waring the fucking Yamika means you can steal with three fucking hands. That's what that means. Fuck being a gangster. Fuck, who needs to be a gangster when you're a fucking Jew? Jews are so bad. They don't even carry guns. You understand me? They just got a Yamika.

Once you see the Yamaha, you're like, He closed in the darkness. He glows in the dark? Sure. I don't know. I'm fucking high. It's an expression. You know what I'm saying?

You had to get me fired up with this fucking nine-year-old. The night before we planned together. Who gives a fuck? And you planned your roots? What the fuck, root? What are you, Columbus? What route are you planning? You're going around the corner, you fuck.

What root? What 15-year-old is raping a girl and letting her father's business on fire? Like, the night-be-h? We didn't rape her. We just felt her up and shit like that, you know what I'm saying? I remember when I was about 11, maybe 12, I went to this New York Mets. In fact, the New York Mets played the, I'll never forget this, I told this I'm beating the beast one time, Felicia's face was red.

I never, I didn't even told this story until the podcast. Ari, I love this one. I'm about 12. I may have hair on my dick. I may have sucked the tit at that time. I may have fingered something. No, no, no, no, I didn't even fingered somebody. I didn't feel a tit.

That's why I got all fucked up. And I went to... Because sometimes you don't feel a tit, and you're at that age, when you got hair on your dick, you just snap like a twig. You just fucking snap. And there ain't no stopping you.

That's when rapes happened right there. But something fucking controls you. It's church, something. And it was the New York Mets, like John Matlack and a couple players, and they played my high school faculty. And I never forget this. After the fucking thing,

There was just two girls walking, and my one friend, they were like, that girl's a wha, you know, because in Jersey you're not a whore, you're a hooer. And all of a sudden, it was like, we were all in the sixth grade, and we started swarming them, just feeling her titties. It was terrible. We were like dogs, you know, like dogs, when you see them on the jungle, like they all fucking, and nobody fucked her or threw it down or pulled the hair or not.

We weren't even that perverted at that age. We were just squeezed, and she was like, ah, ah, ah, and I remember my dick was so hard, I couldn't even walk home. Like, that's how hard my dick was. At that age, I was walking all funny, like I was dragging a soldier. You know, like when you're running for the helicopter, you walk with a limp and shit. You just got shot in the leg.

That's how I was, right? And I remember I got home, and I tried jerking off, and I couldn't understand what I was doing. Like, that's, I knew I wanted to beat my dick, but I didn't know what. Like, I was hitting it and shit and banging. You know, and I was hitting it with a shoe. I didn't know.

I never told nobody this, but fuck it. It's Wednesday night and it's devil's night, you know what's the weirdest thing you did to your dick, Lee? Tell me the truth. Well, before I really started jacking off, what I would do is, like, you would lie down on your stomach and, like, your sheets were soft. So, like, when I was young, I would just, like rub. Like, I didn't even know what jacking off was, but I have, like, these vivid memories of, like, these sheets that were soft, and they had the Batmobile, like, blueprints or whatever. I was a little kid, I was a little kid.

You see I'm dealing with people? you think I got this guy fucked the Batmobile and you guys think I got fucking proms and he put it right in a little muffler with a hot fucking remember when he takes off you're a na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na

you know that? That's why I love you. So you didn't like I remember the first time you didn't even jerk off you didn't know what you were doing but you were on your stomach watching like cartoons

that's what I'm saying and you were eating cereal and somewhere the sugar went right to your dick. And all of a sudden got a little hard. And all of a sudden, you were kind of, you had like a shag carpeting. See, they don't have shag carpeting no more. That's got that flat shit.

Shag carpeting, if you close your eyes and you know what you're doing, it could be a black chick's pussy. Like it could. It could. Like the thick black shag carpeting from the 70s. The one they had in boogie night, like that shit. If you lay on it and close your eyes and put Superfly on or something and just move your hips you think you're fucking a black chick you're like oh this chick is badass where's Barry white but that's the first thing I think I fucked the carpet like yeah I

fuck my bed yeah you fucked the bed no no no wrong with anyway talking about fucking beds and carpeting why not let the cavalry come in here uh our guest tonight is one of my fucking brothers one of my favorite people in LA if this kid wasn't in LA I'd die give him some love mr. Ari Sheffir Ari Sheffir you ever celebrate devil's night or you're too young for that also Yeah, I just, I went trick-or-treating a couple times, so fourth grade. We got religious, and we weren't a lot to do Halloween anymore. I didn't know, Cittics didn't do that. I know, like...

No, it's a fucking devil. We don't worship that. I got to a new school where we're supposed to be religious, and the teacher was asked, it was like, first day. Teachers asked about some holiday in October. Does anyone know what it is? And I was like, yeah, I do. Halloween.

And she was like, no, Columbus Day, but we don't celebrate Halloween. And I was like... I never understood that how. Yeah. Like, next to me. in North Bergen, New Jersey, live Kathy Ortiz, and she was a Jehovah Witness.

And I had never really, you know, she was a great kid. I know her father, but the family was great. They just couldn't, like, stand up for the flag, right? They can't salute the flag. When you do the Statue of Liberty

in the beginning, whatever the fuck, the Statue of Liberty. I don't. Pledge of Allegiance? Yeah, yeah. Pledge of allegiance. Yeah, whatever in the beginning. Right, you can't.

She couldn't. She didn't celebrate Christmas, the holidays. I never understood what kind of fucking religion. Wouldn't let you celebrate just kind of what the masses are doing like how do you feel on the third of fucking January You know what I'm saying like people talking about I got shoes I got sneakers what you get a book

I got a fucking door knob I don't know what the fuck I got You know that always fucked me up like today. I was watching KTLA news because you know me I want to see where the fucking traffic is that And they were talking about a school in Orange County who stopped tweaking Stop twerking. Torquing. Torquing. Did you see that this morning? They had a fucking list of shit.

You know, like, you can't grab each other's arms. You know what's cool. And they made the news 10 years ago because they wouldn't let you freak on the thing. Like, I guess you can't. Yeah, they were talking about the principal there, but this school is well known for like telling people what they can't.

You can't touch their arm at a dance. You know, you can't put your arms on their waist. No, it's a public school, but they don't want no twerking. Whatever Miley Cyrus did. Twerking's pretty intense. I don't even know what a fucking twerk is. That's how old I am.

I don't even know what the fucking... But she twerked, but she don't have an ass, so it's not a twerk. Did you see her twerking that night? That thing she did when she gyrated? I felt bad for her. Like, first of all, listen, it's perverted to ever even think about fucking Miley Cyrus. If you ever even think about fucking Miley Cyrus,

you got a problem. I even think about it. That's a murder. Like, I love that show. I love that stupid show. The one she has a little girl. What's that dumb show? Hannah Montana?

Yeah, that's my show. I would stop and fucking watch it. All right. And I didn't give a fucking, now I see it. And nobody's ever thought of fucking Miley Cyrus. You can't. You know, and then I saw her twerking with that outfit because your people posted the pictures.

And her pussy's like this big. Did you see her little hips are sticking out? She has no fucking ass. That girl's a little fucking girl. Who would want to fuck that thing? You know what I'm saying? I mean, I'm like an uncle. I can't fuck that little thing.

But it's amazing that she invented a day. I don't even know if she invented it people please she invented it black people invented it Blame black people for fucking everything right it right away the blacks fucking invented twerking can you believe that shit But it's just amazing that when I was fucking dancing in school I didn't fucking stop you We were grabbing your tit was you know giving you a hickie in the fucking neck We didn't you know remember you would dry hump a motherfucker you know how to dry hump while you were standing up you sank your knees into them and shit and you would get off can you imagine that shit

you would get off from rubbing your fucking dick on some girl's pants when you were 12 and 13 and you'd shoot like a little load in there and you get pale for a little while like your blood sugar went down like when you came when you were 13 and 14

it was different from coming now now you just come and go ah and you fucking lay there but when you were 14 that shit took you to a different level like your energy out of you. Yeah like you got dizzy and shit you started questioning religion

you're like I don't know if this is going to work out That's called froideage. It's a sexual dysfunction. Is that what it is? Rubbing up against somebody. Yeah, he used to do it on the bus in Israel. When it was real crowded. When it was real crowded, you're standing up,

and you can just pretend like, oh, it's too crowded. And then you just put it right up against somebody's ass. You just put it up there. And then if they look back, you go, oh, so crowded. You don't know about that? No, I heard that. But I learn new shit every day. Listen, I love pussy, and I love assholes and tithes.

you know, sucking woman's asses. I love all that shit. But it's gone a little bit too far from that. Like, it just started with sucking your... What happened? You're sucking your antos and squeezing your tits from underneath real hard. You know what I'm saying?

Just sucking that ass. That's it. That's as deep as I want to go. You follow me? Red Band was telling me that there's fucking massage parlors that you pay the chick to take a nap with the motherfucker. Take a nap with her?

Why would I fucking pay a masseuse to take a fucking nap with me? And maybe some people in here pay the chick to take a nap with you. If I'm paying you to suck my dick, that's it. I don't want to nap with nobody. You know what I'm saying? That's just me. Why would you want to nap with some fucking...

You didn't see that? Vice did this whole big thing on their website. In Japan, everyone's working too much so they don't, like, want to date, but they have little parlors. You can go to, like, a whore. Or you could go to, like, the one... There's a cuddling one. And then there's a bar for boys and girls

where they'll go in and pay to have, like... Like, oh, you're on a date boyfriend sort of thing. But it was weird. Like, the cuddling one was fucking weird. You need human contact that bad? It's been that long. It wasn't always contact. It was, like, they were sitting in, like, these, like, you know in movies where they

have, like, the, like, and taken? Where they had the girls lined up as horrors. They had, like, little rooms. Well, they built that in, like, the basement of a Japanese business. Had little, like, fucking, like, the doctor's beds, like, really tiny beds. And they would just kind of, like, in the video, there was a big white guy, but they were just, like, lying next to each other. even like spooning.

I don't want to cuddle with nobody. Especially if you got to pay somebody a cuddle. Listen, let me tell you, I'm an ugly dude, and I've been in rough situations. I'm not going to sit here and tell you I sling dick with three hands. I've had some fucking, no, no, no, no, no. I've had some dry spells.

In 85, I want 11 months without a piece of pussy. I almost rape the bitch, but I'm Catholic, you understand. You know, you go on dry spells, and I was 23 fucking years old. You go on dry spells. And you know what, man? I thought of a lot of fucking things, it would fucking destroy me to give a woman like one time I went. And it wasn't a prostitute situation.

It was a hookah house. And I went and I let her suck my dick. I let her get on top of me and bounce a couple times. But I felt so fucking bad about that. When you're 17 and 18 and somebody sucks your dick, you tell everybody. You'd even tell your mother if she let you. You go home, you're not going to believe. I picked up this chick.

I fucked her just like you taught me. You know, whatever. I didn't tell nobody. Like, I never understood how somebody could pay somebody for sex. Like, I never understood that whole thing. Guys, we all have different fucking things we're into. Do you not understand how the economy works? Or do you not understand?

Listen, but you're talking to somebody who did Coke for 30 years. If it was between a woman, I would get a bag of Coke and go home by myself and jerk off. So that's me. So I don't really know how the other side lives. So I don't really know about a lot about sex. shit because I never like I dated this girl that told me a story that she dated a guy in college that paid her rent her bills and everything and she had to suck his dick once a week and fuck him a sugar daddy or some shit like that the guy looked like he got hit with a stick with nails

in it a thousand fucking times but he paid the whole tuition the whole thing and that's all he wanted and I never for till this day I can never understand that and I'd ask it to you just have to date him she goes no I fucked other guys and he knew it in fact he wanted me to tell him the stories, he would pay me more. I was watching a commercial tonight for a movie with who's the good looking guy, Magic Mike. What's his name? What's his name? No, the other one.

Matthew McConaughey. He just did a movie with Jennifer Gardner. Right? And I seen a picture Jennifer Gardner put her head on his shoulder. And I'm thinking to myself, what the fuck has Ben Affleck thinking? Because even as an actor, you get your fucking head off that bitch's shoulder, that greasy motherfucker, McConaughey.

You don't put the odor in on. I don't want to touch it, my fucking wife. You know what I'm saying? So I can't even imagine. Like, I'm so fucking insecure. I can't imagine. I don't know. I could never, you.

I mean, any of you guys? I mean, I don't. Like, sharing my bitch. We're fucking some guy on the weekend. Like, I fuck her from Sunday to fucking Thursday. And on Friday, she shakes my hand and goes, oops. I got to go fuck the dentist this weekend.

And I'll be back Sunday. Well, yeah. You had a marriage like that. That's fine. You had what? Do whatever you want. Yeah, I don't care. About that stuff.

I don't mind. If I'm not there, fuck whoever you want. You want a gummy bear? Do you want to? I already had that Quados thing. Let's eat a gummy bear. That was twice as much as... Let's eat a gummy bear.

It's fucking 9 o'clock. We're family here. Let's eat a gummy bear. What the fuck? But I already had the Quaddose thing. So what's up? Wait, wait, let me ask you a question. When you go to Dan Tammis and they give you this shrimp cocktail, you stop there?

No, I keep going. Not right then what the fuck? You see how I attacked that shit? But the first one hasn't any kicked in yet. That was like 30 minutes ago. This was accelerated. What? I don't want it accelerated.

You want to catch up to Lee. Lee's going to be done that. No, I'm not. It was an hour ago. It hasn't kicked him. I'll have half of that. Lee, we'll split it together. I'll split it.

I just had a half. I'm having. It's red. Lee, let's eat it like ladies This is red for the red socks, Docs sucker. Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee. Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee.

Okay, I was just testing you. I was never going to do that. Oh, no, I'm done. I already had half. I eat him, give him half, fuck, sucker. That's it. All right, eat the whole thing. Look at it.

He's pulling like a fucking clit. Look at him. Eat that motherfucker. Eat it. Eat. Lee, Lee, Lee. Come on, let's go. Let's go.

Lay, lay, lay, lay. Let's go. Eat the fucking thing. I'm gonna get fired tonight. You're gonna get fire, so what? The Boston Red Sox run. Don't panic now. It's done.

Don't panic. It's over. We're here. I was at the perfect amount of high. And I was thinking, I was like, cool. I'm high enough, but it's not going to be

where I'm sitting in the parking lot for an hour. And the Chi-Boo-choo guys on his way. So don't worry about nothing. You're covered. You're not even going to see. You're not even going to remember driving on the 134 today. I have to go to Santa Monica.

You're just going to pick up the fucking shuttle and go fly right to the fuck. I'll drive you, don't worry. I got none in the morning. I'll drive. You're my brother. I'll drive. How about you at home?

Can you take a cab home? Where do you live? No, I have to go. I work nights and TV stuff. Work. Yeah, I know. It sucks. Two more weeks.

What was the last? You know what I thought of? What did you fucking think of? When you were saying that by the shot carpet, not only did I do that all the time, but I would do this thing. where I would put your dick up towards your lying your stomach, put your dick up towards your chest,

and then just kind of hump the bed with the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue right open in front of you, so you can look at that, and then you just push it in, and it would like rub, and then you came into the sheets, slept right on top of it. Just fell asleep right there. I have disgusting friends, you know that people?

Because you don't have to do the laundry anyway. My mom probably knew. She probably felt like, you probably felt those crusty spots. It was like, oh, I guess someone just got... I never checked off in bed when I was that age. I always go to the back room. I had this old playmate calendar under the carpeting.

And it was fucked up. I had it for like three years. And it didn't even just go through the cum. It was like... I would take long showers, and the heat and the shower would crumple the motherfucker. There was no pussy left. There was nothing left.

I was just going through memory. I would have to, like, erase the pussy. to with a pencil. You ever do that shit? If you go home tonight, right? This is how retarded I was. You go home. You don't even need a naked magazine.

Even if you see a chick with a bikini, just take the eraser and erase the pussy off, right? You could draw your own little pussy right in there, right? This is what you learn when you become an only child, people. So I never whacked off in a bed or nothing like that until later on. Then years later when I get coked up and I couldn't go to the bathroom

and then you'd just whack off cappuccino in your hand like right now. And you just hold it in there for a couple minutes. And I'm uncircised. So what I would do is come, but I'd hold the top of it. And it fills in like a serpent, you know what I'm saying? And I'll just hold it for a couple minutes.

I'll call my friends. Yeah. I'll do that from time to time. And then you let it go later. And then you let it go later. It just sits in there and fucking vegetates. Whatever the fuck. Hey, it's devil's night.

What do you guys want? Lies? You guys made it out tonight. I want to give you a fucking show. You know, we're not going to talk about fucking dumb shit. We're going to talk about, you know, we can talk about a lot of dumb shit today. Like, I know today was like a weird day in America. The fucking computer broke down for the insurance, so the chick was in Washington.

And, you know, why the fuck are we even dealing with insurance? with this government for. Oh my God. This is going to be a fucking shitstorming. You know me? It's me and Diane Sawyer. I don't give a fuck. I got insurance, man.

So I have to get insurance now? Well, how much do I have to pay if I don't bother? $5,000 for being lazy? Who? So he gets you a job? So I got to pay this bitch? All right. No, so I'm happy that we get a little crazy here today,

I mean, I consider you motherfucker's family. So sometimes, you know, we talk about it's really weird to see when you hold the end of your dick. And it fills up with cum, and you're looking at you, like, do I have a snake? It just fills up like a, what's that snake that attacks you? Like, like that, you know, yeah, like, whatever. It moves around folded like that. That's it looks. It's disgusting, but I didn't, I'm sure I didn't invent it, you know what I'm saying?

I'm just a part of my society. here. What? Didn't you live right by like a whorehouse? Wasn't straighter? Wouldn't there one like right by there? No. Not that I know of. Dog, I don't have... Or maybe it was the Gardner place? I have the heart to do a lot of things, people.

Yeah. But I don't have the heart to go to like a fucking, you know, it's like a wild fantasy for me that I don't have. Like I couldn't imagine going to one of those places because I would fold under pressure. Oh, yeah. Listen, I don't drink and drive

not because I'm a pussy, because I know if a cop pulled me over, I couldn't handle it. I would drive with a half ounce of blow under my seat. And if a cop pulled me over and I was straight, I'll fucking talk to that motherfucker. I'll sell him a grand.

You know what I'm saying? We don't need to do this office. Let me just give you a gram to go. We don't need this shit. In fact, you're off in 20 minutes. Let me give you an extra gram for going out of your way. You know what I'm saying?

But if I add just one cocktail to it, I knew I didn't have a legal leg to stand. on. That's how fucking demented my mind was. So I can handle all this shit. All that other shit like, I fold. If a woman touches me, I was telling Lee that I was thinking about going to the massage parlor by the ha-ha because that's when my friend said they sucked his dick with the ceramic up. I ain't lying to you people. The jokes I tell you here, it's my life, people. I'm not going to make up stupid shit. I'm 50. I'm too fucking old. And the one I thought about, and I looked at my wife. My wife just had a baby. And she would never know I went and got my dick sucked by some Chinese

woman whatever the fuck right but I still feel like at this age everything's so even now I wouldn't want to add that bad karma because I know that chicks got bad fucking calm I'm not saying if you there's probably a hooker or two here you know I love you know I love you it's just something about you know I know they don't they bring these chicks over and hold their kids then they got to send money and get the kid out that's you know so in the back of my mind some chicks give me a massage that got to send half the hundred dollars I gave it to China to fucking get her kid back or some shit. I don't fucking know.

You know? And I can't imagine somebody rubbing my back. Like, that's always me. Like, whenever I fuck a woman doggy style, like, I'm like, this bitch is stupid. She don't know me. She shouldn't trust me.

She should be watching me the whole fucking time. If somebody was fucking me, doggy style, I'd be watching that motherfucker. I don't trust nobody behind it. Rubbing your back. They could probably be putting salt in your asshole or something. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying?

people doing to your asshole. That's disgusting when they put your legs apart. I used to have the chick that used to like put my ass apart. You know, like disgusting shit. I want nobody in my ass dog. You want to tickle it and make eye contact this way. And do a reach around

like a normal soldier. But I don't want you behind me saying turn around, I'm going to eat your ass. That's nasty shit. You want to eat my ass? Eat my my ass this way. I'll stretch. I'll pull this leg back like a ballerina. You know what I mean? I don't give a fuck. I'm flexible.

I'll pull this motherfucker back. I know I can do a happy baby right now. You understand me? I'll do it for you right now. I don't fuck around. You do a happy baby. That's how to eat somebody's ass. Okay, you hold your ankles like that, happy baby,

and you rock this way side to side. If you're gonna eat my ass, that's the fucking normal way to do it. Don't eat my ass from behind. Why are we talking about this? Nobody would eat my ass anyway. It's disgusting. I would never eat my own ass. Fucking disgusting.

That's a disgusting thing. You know, I don't eat my ass. did it sometimes and you get coked up, you're like, like, like, my balls go deeper, and they lick your end. And then they look, after somebody you hear their tongue in your asshole, it's completely different at breakfast. You just want to get rid of them like, you should take

this egg sandwich to go. I got you one of McDonald's. All right, later. If a girl's looking your ass, Joey Diaz, at that point, that's a waking up moment. But it's not, I can never do it sober. Like, I would feel bad for a girl if I was sober, and she was giving me a blowjob.

Like, I'd talk her out of it. Look at my dick. This is going to scar you for the rest of your fucking life. You don't need this shit. When you're 40, you're going to be talking to your kid one day. Trying to tell them to tell them the truth. You can never tell the truth about an ugly dick to somebody. Don't do this to yourself.

And to lick somebody's asshole. And I know if you're a young girl in Hollywood, you got to do it. You got to blow like fucking. Can you imagine sucking Jack Nicholson's wrinkled dick when you get to town and you're 20? I would never do that to a woman. That is disgusting. A woman have to leave the next day. drive on sunset knowing she

sucked. When you're 22, you blew a 60-year-old guy. If I'm 20, do you think I want to eat some 80-year-old pussy? Think about it. Is that why you... Who else got Roxy to blow him? Who? Who blew him?

Roxy? Blue. Who? Oh, that's right. Roxy. This comedian from the store is eight wheels, Porese's ass one time. My God, it was... I can get you past. Oh, my God. And she told, he told everybody, and she would say,

did he tell you that I ate his ass? I don't mind eating ass, and I'll eat your ass in behind if you let me, you know what I'm saying? But I'd rather you watch me. Are there any limits to when? Right or wrong. You ever been eating ass and they rub your eyebrows? It's creepy, but it feels okay, you know what I'm saying? It's like, I had a headache when I got here.

I don't know if you're rubbing my eyebrows or the taste of your ass all. Maybe you had a sylifidman And your little pussy hole there I don't fucking I know I wouldn't rub a girl's eyebrows And she was sucking my dick That's just disgusting She's like trying to rub

You know You know I try to make this an intelligent podcast But it never really works out Everybody has Everybody has an intelligent podcast You know I try but it just never pans out for me Stop looking at the label

Why make yourself more nervous? Is this the Green Hornet? That's the Green Hornet? By Cheap-Haw-Haw-It's good. Easily splitable. Talking about some people to help us out, I'm about a big shout out to Onit. In fact, I took a new mood tonight.

You mixed a new mood with the Cheebo Chew. You're a fucking Ghana when you get home, you're floating, you know? I was thinking about a funny fucking story today. This is a, and guys I wish I was lying to you. I miss this kid a lot. His name is Darren Rago. And I grew up with this motherfucker. And this kid was one of those kids that you went home

after you hung out with him for four or five hours. and you're like, wow, this motherfucker. And he was fun, guys, and I loved him. And one thing about him was he always had your back, but not, like, simple. Like, he would always hit somebody with a table. You know, he was world-class. Okay, like, this is a, I'll fucking say it.

This is a great story. One day I went to his house in 94. I was a broke comic. And he's like, Coach, what do you want to do? You want to go score some fucking blow? And I'm like, yeah. And he goes, honey, let me borrow the credit card. He's like, no, I won't let you borrow, whatever.

And he goes, all right, fuck you, bitch. And his brother was there. And he goes, John, let me the fucking card, all right? I just want to borrow $100. Me and Coca-1. And it went back and forth, back and forth until he got up and just broke his fucking brother's nose. Right in front of me.

He just got up and busted his nose, took the wallet, took the credit card, and said, fuck you, bitch. You should have given it to me anyway. Let's get out of here. But you loved them. I got he had a car in high school that had no heat no heat in the winter time we called it the ice box You know how many fucking crimes you did with that car? I remember one time we hit a granada

We almost knocked the fucking frame off the tires The car was just shaking and we were fucking dying a laughter The car broke in front of a drug dealer's house on a hundred and forty third street dam sedan And we had to sit there the rest of the night with an eight ball on the fucking car the dead of winter I mean so many great things happened with this kid So I go to call for him. This is 99. And I was, I had done comedy in New York City, and I had no money for a hotel.

So I stayed out till four at Carolines. And then I took the bus over, and I walked to his house, and I rang the door because I knew he would let me in. I hadn't seen him in like three or four or five years, but I talked to him on the phone once a week. And I finally, I sat outside his door from like four to seven. And at seven, he opened the door. Coco, what's up, dog? I didn't hear you. One upstairs, he's fucking nude.

Nude. And he's talking to me nude. Like, yeah, I stayed in last night. The night before, I did like a half a kilo. He didn't do, he didn't drink anymore because he had hepatitis C and his kidney. So he's from shooting vitamin B. When high school, he was shooting vitamin B and fucking Deca and Deannaball and all that shit.

When we were juniors, he was already blasting steroids. He was yoked. So we're at breakfast. He goes, come on, let's go eat breakfast. So we're eating breakfast. And I go down, what do you? And it's like, God. My God fucking strike me.

Then I go, what do you do for a living now? He goes, well, I handle luggage out at the fucking airport. And I'm robbing them blind. He goes, you know me. He goes, I got a suitcase the other day with like 200 dildos. I sold him for $10 a piece. I mean, he was fucking, and you loved him. You fucking loved him.

Like, he was just like so, I mean, he was, listen to me, guys. This is how deep of a duty was. He borrowed. I went home one night years early, and I tried to get blow at a bar. And the kid kept saying, give me the money, and I'm going to wait out here, but you've got to wait in the bar. And when the guy comes, I got a flag. I'm like, I used to be a thief.

I'm not going to give you $60, and you're going to go outside and flag him. Fuck you. And I pulled the kid aside. I go, if you want the $60, just tell me like a man, and we'll split it to Graham of Coke. But don't try to rob me. I didn't give him the money. Well, three years later, he did to my friend, Rago. He took him for $60.

Rago ain't me. Rago went to his house, knocked on the door. The kid's mistake was he opened. You know those people that have like the door, but they have little glasses? He opened the door, and he gave Rego the finger. Rago broke the glass, opened the fucking door. He ran into the kitchen to get a knife. Rago took the chair, broke it over his head, fractured his skull, fucking whatever.

Fractured skull, hospital. They got Darren for manslaughter, involuntary, whatever, assault, big-time bail. When I was having this conversation at breakfast, he was out on bail for this horrible thing. He broke the guy's head with a fucking table. And he's telling me, he goes, I don't give a fuck if they give me 10 years. It was the $60. It was the principal. That's how down this motherfucker was, right?

So in the middle of this conversation, I go, so beside the luggage, what else do you do? And he goes, I'm a bodyguard for this Japanese guy. He was 5'2, 220, all muscle deballed out. By this point, he wasn't even doing steroids no more. He was buying cadavers for $10,000 and taking the fucking juice out of their spine. and putting the juice in his spine. No, no, no, I'm telling you, this is fucking a different level. So with breakfast, I'm sorry about this story, guys.

This is a great story. And he goes, I go, so what do you do for this body guy? He goes, well, he flies in from Japan. I rent the fucking limo. I pick him up. I take him into these ecstasy clubs. It was 99. He goes, I take him to these ecstasy clubs,

and that's when the party he could start. I go, what do you mean what party? He goes, the guy gives me $25,000 cash to buy him special K, he just started again I know cocaine and quailudes and sleeping pills values he's dropping special K and MGD

and BBC and he's just fucking dropping this shit on me and I go so you do all these drugs he goes that's nothing he goes let me tell you what I did Thursday night he goes I started on like at 8 o'clock he goes I did a couple lines of coke

right he goes by about 930 I dropped a couple tumenols. He goes, by 11, I dropped a couple hits of ecstasy. Then about 1.1.30, he goes, I did some. What's the thing in the guard? Lids, not MGH, but the other shit. Lids, something fucking out there, too.

What was it? G.HP. Something out there, too. And then he goes, and at three to come down, I do a little heroin. But he goes, I don't drink because that'll kill you. And like, not even like a year later. While he was out awaiting trial for breaking this guy's skull, he had a car accident, went to the hospital,

freaked out at the hospital, told him to suck his dick, got in the car and took like four hits of ecstasy, went home, went to sleep, never woke up. But that's how fucking crazy he was. So I'm sorry about the long story. Just want to bring you motherfuckers down. I don't want to do a podcast and not give you something to take home. For $60, he broke,

that kid's fucking skull. And he kept telling me with the toast and the bacon coming out of his mouth. It's about the principal, Coco. If you do it to him one, he'll never do that shit to nobody ever again. And I'm like, you know, you're going to do 10 years.

I don't give a fuck. And then he told me, this is another thing he said to me, he goes, you know what, man? He goes, I'm sick and tired. He goes, I don't even have nobody to fight no more. He goes, you know, things are bad when you've got to fight your friends. And he kept eating like nothing.

Like he was telling him. He was looking forward to go to prison because he was going to fight a little bit. Like, fuck it, I get into a couple fistfights and shit like that. That's how crazy this guy was. So I'm missing. I have a picture of my wall,

and I look at him whenever I'm depressed, and I just giggle, because I know by now he'd be out here, and I'd be sick of him on people by now. I'd just be making him bit-slapped people because he didn't give a fuck, guys. When he was 17, he was yoked up on steroids and in bars, like big bars.

I'd tell him, like, darn, look at that punk-ass bitch over there. Go talk to that motherfucker. Do some push-ups. And Dan, we'll get on the bar, start doing push-outs and shit. Get up, rip his shirt off, and walk up to the dude. What, bitch, what the fuck he wanted? And we just sit there.

He'd tackle him, bitch-slap him, smack the bouncer. But then he fucked the bouncer sister when they were in the eighth grade. So we were allowed to sit there and drink. I mean, there was always a story with this fucking guy. It's just amazing the people I ran in. I'm sorry, guys. I'm high as a fuck. Me too, dude.

The chief of you just kicked. The first one. When is this one going to come in? That kicks in about the same time, about 10.30. The same time Darren would be doing MGH and shit like that. So you got to do something every two hours, though. What? It's fucking devil's night, people.

It's fucking devil's night. What the fuck is wrong with you people? You know what I'm saying? I hope you people are drinking and having a good time. I'm happy your people came out tonight. Look, I'm dealing with too high fucking Jews. Jesus. You know what I'm saying?

So much. Jesus had 11 Jews. I got two fucking Jews. Jews that are high. Unfucking believable. I want to recreate the last supper, but have me over and I'm just like ready to

fucking stab him. How fucked up is the last supper? What do you mean? It was like the biggest biggest celebrity of the day. The biggest slap in the face. And it was just done the weirdest way. Like they all got them there

and they were having a good time and fucking whatever's name slipped out the back door. Oh really? That's how I went to? I thought it was that He was already in jail and he got his one last meal. No, what the fuck? What Jew school did you go to? Thursday night is the last up, okay?

So then they go Thursday night. Fucking Jesus knew. Jesus was a Jew, and he got the telegraph. Listen, shit's going to go down. Punch his pilot is pissed off. They heard you're doing magic tricks. They know you're fucking, you're lying to people and you ain't paying a fucking tax.

So Jesus knew, and somebody told him and somebody close to you is going to turn it on you. So they invited him to this dinner the same way they invited Paul Costalano to Spark Steakhouse. December 12th, 1995. They invited him there. They fucking fatten them up. They gave him bread.

They gave him fucking Vino. He made fucking some tricks. Oh, you don't have no wine. Fucking, boom, there you go. Fuck bread. Why are we eating bread? Let's get some fish in this motherfucker. Get a Japanese guy to cut up some sushi.

They're eating sushi and shit. And then fucking came the bill. came. It says it was 11 Jews, they all looked at each other, like, what the fuck? But then the one Jew that fucked up, Pontius, he slipped, not Pontius. What was the Jew that flipped? Judas. Judas picked up the tab, right? That's how Jesus knew. Something ain't right. This motherfucker picked up. This guy hasn't picked up a tip since birth. This guy got pennies. Scott's taped to his thighs. You know what I'm saying? And right there he started looking around

And the Roman guards took him Then they walked him into the fucking darkness And they beat him into the fucking darkness They beat that motherfucker for 24 hours But the best thing he said is they were beating him Was he looked up and he goes, Father, forgive them Because they don't know who the fuck

They're dealing with They're gonna kill me But I'm making a comeback Sunday 2 p.m. Eastern, 11 Pacific And that's the shit you motherfucker as read you know I'm saying that's that's a good story the way you told it well that's that's how it went fucking down you know no no we got we got listen we ain't got enough fucking time to tell the fucking story how it went down they

tricked them they knew and then they gave fucking Judas Gidas then I don't know what Judas hung himself right Judas hung himself because he was sleeping and they got the same tongue that they got in nightmare on Elm Street remember when the bitch called him the tongue popped out of the phone they got to say hello for me Judas kill yourself what It was like Hannibal Lecter. Remember he told that motherfucker next to him in the cell to kill himself. Same thing.

So Judas killed himself. Then Pontius beat the fuck out. It's a very sad story, if you believe it. I mean, here's a guy that's got 12 people. You know, it's like me beating up Brad Pitt. You know what I'm saying? Like, I got to prove to you people that Brad Pitt's a fucking, I don't know. He was the big celebrity.

How the fuck did he overtone? I don't know. I don't fucking know, people. Don't listen to me. What do I know? Cheebo's got my mind. I told you, the guest tonight were going to be Ari Shafia in the history of Cheebo Chewes. Did I not write that down on the Twitter? I don't lie to you people.

I don't fuck with you people. Lee, how are you feeling over there, Cocksucker? It's all over. I told you, call the boss and quit. It's all over. Look at the shape of you. Where's your girlfriend? Call your girlfriend.

You got to go to work tonight? Tonight. Oh, fuck, no. And he didn't even finish yet because we got another piece of Cheebo chute's coming in right now. We're going to take this motherfucker's coming in right now. deep tonight. Deep into the murky waters. Let me give a shout out to the sponsors.

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with your razor. Because I don't mind a girl shaving your monkey with the razor, but don't leave that curly hair in there. Put it under the shower. Tap that, motherfucker. Tap it or take it out and give it to me. That's what you do. You take it out.

You put it on my pillow and shit, you know what I'm saying? Right by the pillow. That's what a real woman does. She shaves her pussy and just sprinkles that shit. Right or wrong, Mama. That's a good idea. Fuck voodoo and all that shit. You bitches want me to get roses

and sprinkle them on the bed. For what? Sprinkle some fucking pussy hair on my pillow. Put some magic dust in between the pillows. Let that shit grow and get some fucking momentum to them. You ever wake up up with a fucking dick hair and your nostril?

You're in the mood all day. You're like, I smell dick all fucking day today. I can't get it out of my nose. What I'm trying to say is go to Dollar Shave Club. Don't tolerate that shit. Go to Dollar Shave

Club. It's a great package. $1, $6, and $9. You go to Joey Deers.net. You click on to the fucking box, and you're right. They should animate that ad. Church. Church. C-H-U-R-C-H.

Dollar Shave Club, get the deal. It's $80 fucking dollars a year. Think about that. You have a fixed income for your fucking raises. So it's 80 for raises. 80 for condoms. 80 for fucking protein powder. And 22,000 for Rifa.

I'm just trying to help you motherfuckers out. That's all I'm trying to do. You guys don't have a fucking advisor that cares about you. Number two, you're sick and like tonight, I'm happy you people came because there's nothing on TV. What's on TV tonight? There's no breaking bed.

There's no walking dead. There's not... What's on TV? Nothing. Nothing tonight. You'd be sitting there like a fucking mutt finishing up your weed. And all of a sudden you got no wheat till Friday. You don't need to do that no more. Go to Hulu Plus. They ain't got weed for you. But they got TV, they got shows, they got entertainment.

$7.99, two weeks free, $7.99 a month. That's $96 a fucking year. So for 96, you get movies and entertainment and TV shows and Ferreity, you shave your balls and your wife shaves the pussy, and the hairs won't mix because that's how things get fucked up right there. And that's how we fucking go down. You understand me? Who's over at the window?

Look at the window. Look in there looking like Sandusky. the fuck you're looking at it. Well if I show you my dick, cocksucker, huh? I'm 50, I can't show nobody my dick no more. But there was a time, that was like 31. I just dropped that fucking hammer. What are you, 31? 10 years ago?

Yeah, 10 years ago, I was showing my dick. I was 40, you're right? Cocksucker, so I went over. I would put the fucking hole in my pants. And I test you. I wouldn't let you know I had a hole. And I take my ball skin and pull it to the front and just drop it on you like that pop.

And I just test you. And once I caught you, looking at my balls, I had you. Then I started jiggling him, like, I was nervous. And by that time, it gets 3D, because the whiff comes right at you. And all of a sudden, you're living it right there. You're whiffing that fucking nut? You know what I'm saying? How are you, Tarzan?

Get the have your hair, cock the second. Ari Shapir. Yes, sir. What the fuck? You just came from Australia. What happened? I don't know. It was pretty fucking cool.

Really? Yeah, it was a pretty Oh my God Ari Shafir Your fucking eye I'm so goddamn high man What just happened to? Why would you give me

the second one? This eye The first one was too much It already says quad This eye is straight And this eye was crooked It just stayed like that The left eye

follows everybody's tips On the table I had an idea I called Ari one time I want to make a video of Ari with a Yamaghan Tied up And me taking his money

out of his ATM machine And ripping up each 20 and throwing us out. And are we going, stop! Stop! Stop! You're killing me! It's for about 20s. My whole account, $20 at a time.

So what happened in Australia? Tell me what happened. It's pretty cool. I fucking hung out by the beach at Bondi for the first week. It was all warm. Okay. Walked around. Did you do any comedy down there? Yeah. What nights did you do comedy? What places?

The comedy store that's down there. There's a pretty cool room. One headline night was just you for an hour. start to finish get on, get off, and then the Melbourne Comedy Lounge. I got laid.

Thank you. Thank you, everybody. Thank you. Did you pay her? I did not pay her. What? No, I did not. I did not.

No, I didn't pay it. Tinder. Fucking Tinder worked out for once. I know. Joey doesn't know what Tinder is. I have no idea. It's an app on your phone where it's like,

I'm here, you're here. If you guys like each other, you can say you want to fuck. That's pretty good, fucking Lee. Cops, suck. I'm gonna do it. It's not quite like that, but yeah.

Tell Joey what you ate. What? That'll put the meat you ate. You ate kangaroo? Oh yeah, I eat kangaroo meat later that week. Kangaroo meat. Was it good? Delicious.

Lean. I loved it. I wasn't a girl. I thought that was gonna fuck you up. I thought you were gonna be like, I thought you were gonna get all pissed off. I'm surprised. Why would I get pissed off of this fucking mutt eating kangaroo?

What do I give a fuck if he ate it? If you tied me up and made me eat it, then I'd be fucking pissed off. But if my brother wants to eat kangaroo, kangaroo me what am I gonna tell them that's it's I heard it ain't bad I've had alligator it's good it's good alligator is good as well to go to popadoes those balls and we're gonna get those fucking alligator's the a liuoli sauce what and a fucking servaza are you kidding me thank you for making it out guys I appreciate it right on time so you bad motherfuckers I love you guys fuck it though I love it oh man you guys weren't paying attention but that means

you were high so that's always a good fucking start right there. I don't want to deal with sober. I was in Kentucky this year and some kid came with me, hey man, how you doing? And there was a joint keep going around and he kept asking questions. So how long are you here for? What hotel you're staying at? Did you brandy Cheebo choose? And finally, I kept

seeing him going like this and going like this to the joint. I go, dog, until you hit that fucking joint, you're not getting an answer, you understand me? I don't smoke, man. I'm in the Marines. I don't give a fuck. You're asking a lot of fucking questions for somebody who was in the fucking Marines. The code of the Marines is silence.

motherfucker. Silence. What's the fuck? And finally, guys, when I wasn't looking, he turned around and walked away. So he was something. He was DEA.

Oh, really? I don't fucking know. I mean, what are you listening to me for? I'm some fat guy with felonies fucking talking to your people. So,

now, you like going international. You really enjoy, I mean. Yes, cool, man. Let me tell you some. This guy here. How old are you know what I mean? He don't give a fuck.

I don't give a fuck. You know, this guy walks around New York with no T-shirt. I don't want to make friends. You don't need friends. You have yourself. You have your own fucking mind. I take one of these chibbatures and then I just walk around. I just look at people.

I sweat. Shorts and flip-flops on. That's it. Am I going to come in your store? Maybe. Nope. That's hilarious. Look at the shape of Lise.

I am. Look at this shape of Liza. Look at this fucking guy over here. Look at them. Why don't you happy the Red Sox one cocksucker. Did you cry? Did you cry a little bit? No, this is the weirdest podcast.

Why is it weird? What's the matter? Why is it weird? We covered a lot of fucking shit today, okay? No, it's just the amount of high I didn't look. Who? What's his weed? I ain't fucking high. I didn't need no edibles, cocksucker.

You're the one that ate the edibles. Look at the shape of you. What am I going to do with you? What do you want to say? spit it out. What do you have to talk about? I don't know. It's weird. What do you mean that you don't know? It's weird. What's weird? We're all telling stories and like we're fading in and out of like even the ones we're saying. I'm, I can't even imagine. Why would you do this to somebody? Why would I do this to you? Because I love you, cocksucker. I care for you, okay? If I didn't love you, I let you walk around sober in your head thinking about fucking pennies and the red socks and dollar bills and shit like that.

I love you. So I try to give you something to take you out of your head. and that's why you do a good podcast because you're high half the time because I make you smoke pot and do all this shit. Do you know I leave weed for him there and I come back on Monday he don't smoke it?

Do you know what? I want to choke him half the time. I go, what the fuck do you do for two days in this apartment without smoking fucking weed? And he's got one of those couches that he leans back and I can tell he sits there.

I know he's got a piss bucket. I know he's got one of those things that he connects to his dick and he just squeezes it and it squeezes the pee out of his dick like a mad scientist into a bucket. He's got a little refrigerator. He slides out.

He's got a closet with a lock on it, like a fucking creepy lock. Like he's got a body in there. That's what the refrigerator is with the twinkies and shit. And he just sits there. The only time he gets up is the shit. That's it, because he can't tolerate it.

And trust me, I do the same thing. If I could figure out, I slept at my in-law's house in Tennessee the other day with the window open, the air on, and the fucking... It was 30 degrees. I got up in the middle night at 4 to pee. Wait, start the story over.

Listen. I slept at my in-laws' house in Tennessee. Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. On Thursday night, it was 30 degrees out. And my wife kept telling me, she goes, don't fuck around. Don't open that window. It's going to be cold in that room.

Me, you know what I mean? I'm a penguin. I fucking open the window, put the air on, the fan and the ceiling fan, right? So I ate an edible, and I got to sleep at me a mask on, right? And the tube comes out so you can put the blanket over your head

so it could be fucking zero. It's got nothing to do with Uncle Joey. I'm under my blanket bundled up like a little fat fucking beetle. You know what I'm saying? Doesn't a beetle go into his shell? He puts his arms into the shell. That's me. I'm on the bottom.

I'm on the bottom in defensive position. You can't get me in an Americana. You can't get me on my back. I'm on my fucking side. I'm in defense position. And finally at four in the morning, I open my eyes and my dick is soft, but you gotta pee. You ever wake up and you touch your dick and it's soft?

And all of a sudden you're like, I got to pee. You're like, fuck. But it was so cold out. But I actually thought about peeing on the side of the bed and just rolling over to the one side. That's how cold it was. I tried to get up and I had to put the blanket back on. And the fan was hitting me like with the air.

And I'm playing with my dick. I'm holding it just to see if I can like sprinkle it, like a sprinkler. So it don't go. Like in a circle, I could sprinkle it on the room with my pee. And then I realized I'm in my fucking in-law's house. I can't pee on their fucking carpet. So I put the fucking blanket on. I obviously took the sleep at me a mask off,

but I put the blanket on and walked to the fucking pisser and pissed and crawled back on that bed. It was the coldest I had been in a long time. And for an hour, I argued myself in my sleep, whether I should get up, pee the bed, pee on the fucking floor. I even thought about peeing in my Adidas and that's fucked up right there.

You can't pee and you're Adidas. Run DMC, wouldn't like that shit. Now I'm happy we do these and I'm happy you crazy motherfuckers come out. Listen, a live podcast is a live podcast. If you're going to do something like, listen, you people have been watching edited television and radio

for fucking since day one. I believe, and if you guys are going to pay money and I'm going to leave the house Wednesday nights, I'm going to leave my baby and my wife. We're gonna get down. If you guys are eating edible tonight and get fucked up, shame on you. If you didn't plan, a designated fucking driver, shame on you.

I told you were going down tonight. So I expected you got, shut the fuck up, bitch. I expected you to do the same. I wanna give you none of those. What's none of that show? You wanna see me as fucked up as you can? You wanna know what I ate today, motherfuckers? All right.

Do you want any idea what Papa ate today? All right, let me tell you what I ate today. First of all, I fucking worked. out hard so when I got home I was sore so I opened up with two of those 70 milligram fucking Cheebo Chewes the fuck that was 1130 1130 opened up with that smoke to join when the shower washed my pussy came out I wrote for an hour then my wife was lurking so I had to take her lunch as high as I was I took it a lunch and we split the fucking I split the I took a two pieces of white tuna I had

the green salad and we split the Lagastino roll because she likes you know she's Irish She don't like fish. She likes fish, but she likes the California roll. She's still on the starter level of sushi, which annoys the fuck out of me, because this is great sushi. I'm like, try fucking something. Eat an eel.

Eat an octopus. Eat a fucking shark. Eat something, you fuck. No, no, I'm going to get a California roll in the soup. What the fuck? Take a chance, bitch. By the time I left there, I was so fucking high, I had to go home and take a nap.

She took the baby to the doctor. I had to go home and take a fucking nap. I was so high. I was like medium high, and my stomach was full. And then I got up and I go, what the fuck? I'm up. That's it. You can't walk on one leg. So she wanted to go to some fucking cabbage.

Where's that shit? A pumpkin festival. A pumpkin festival with the baby. So I said, hold on. Before we go to the pumpkin festival, let me go inside and drop a fucking deca. So I dropped the 170. You know what I'm saying? That's how I rolled. I got no time for this. But let me tell you why I lost the 170.

When I got to the fucking pumpkin patch, I was high as fucked. But it was run. It was a beautiful pumpkin patch in Burbank on Coenga and Riverside. It's beautiful, but it's run by people who worked in carnivals, and the kid came up to me, and I was really high, and I paid. It was six bucks for admission, so it was 18 bucks, give the guy 20,

but then people started coming up to me, and I could smell them. They smelled like fucking armpit, and I smelled two of them, and the fucking garlic went in my nose, and made the deca come out of my fucking ears, so I wasn't high no more. The stink of how bad body older they had, why would you put people to work at a fucking pumpkin thing? that stunk worse than the fucking petting zoo.

Because I was by the petting zoo. They had pigs, they had a chicken, a fucking turkey, and that didn't stink. And this motherfucker stunk so bad, so I got in my car and I left. Then I went home and I ate a gummy bear. And I ate a fucking, I eat a piece of chalker from Speed Demon, L.A. L.A. weed speed demon. I don't fuck around, people.

What time is this? Six o'clock. You know what I mean? I had to get ready for Diane Sawyer. You know what I'm saying? But then they fucked me in the ass because George Sateropoulos was on. That fucking cock sucker, not George Sateroplas, but the other guy from the White House correspondent, the Greek, the good-looking guy,

because it was her night off. Fucking Diane Sawyer. So I wasted a fucking Deca on fucking Diane Sawyer. So I said, fucking, I might as well take another shower and get ready for the ice. That's when I came out of the ice, I had a packet to go, package for Ari. I dropped a decker, and I dropped a goomy bear on my way up here, and then I split one.

Guys, I ain't got no time to fuck around. If you want to see the devil on devil's night, you got to get down. You understand me? So do whatever the fuck you need to do. It's devil's night. Tweet me when you get home. I don't care. I'll be up.

I'll be up watching, having a conversation with Diablo himself. So just tweet me and say, Joey, I made it home, but I'm sitting here talking to the motherfucker right now. I don't know, guys. I like getting high. I don't want to smoke as much no more. I smoke like a fucking joy in a day now, you know, so I like eating the animals. Really?

I don't have time to fucking smoke all day no more. I'm trying to make me. I can't tame my lungs. I got a baby that's gonna start walking in fucking two weeks. I gotta chase around the fucking house. What inhalers? What inhalers? So the smoking in the guine?

Are you counting points with the gooies? Listen, let me explain something to you. Right away I got Jack Alain over here, cock sucker. Are you counting with the fucking gumys? Shut the fuck up, bitch. You know what, man, listen, I've been smoking dope for 30 years. 30 years. The inhaler works from 5.15 a.m. to about 10 to 6. Then, by the time I put Pantera on, it's all over for the inhaler. The inhaler taps out. It's a 20-minute high.

You know, we smoke. I fucking smoke. When I go to a weed store, I don't get pineapple express because that's what James Franco smokes. No. I fucking get this shit. What's the and I look the motherfucker in the eye. You look him in the eye. There's no goofing around. Hi. that Lee Harvey I was a little smoke when he went to Dallas. And when you say, and look him in the eye like puppy sincerely. Don't go in there like happy heart. No. Come here.

You're like James Dean. Remember James Dean? I want to get fucked up. And they'll look at you like, what? Excuse me? Come again? I just told you I want to get fucked up. And they'll show you'll see sometimes if they're,

Russian, they'll turn around for the little Russian. I'll talk about the Nodo. And then he'll go in the bat. Or Armenian or whatever, and they'll bring out the good shit. And they'll look at each other. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. 22, 22, 22. Special today. They're fucking, they know.

They got the shit in the back. You go in there and you buy that dumb shit that every other fucking dumb fuck is buying. Oh, my God. Because, you know, sharks' tooth. Oh, my God. Yeah. That shit ain't going to work. You got to look at it. And you got to let them know. I don't fuck around. I don't got time to The strongest shit you get I fucking want.

That's it. I don't want no shit. When I bought coke, I didn't buy water down coke. I went to these black motherfuckers that rock. That's how I roll. You're gonna want the best. I don't want no bullshit. When you're eating edibles, you want the best. No, because I don't know, it may be stronger.

That ain't for me. That ain't for me! I want testimonials. That ain't for me. You know, I love you. Ladies, I love you. I fucking love women. I love you.

But I hate you at the weed store. I hate you in the weed store because you show us cleavage and you give us bad shit. And you know, this'll get you high. Who the fuck are you? You just started smoking with your boyfriend a year ago watching sons of anarchy. You know what I'm saying? Who the fuck are you? No, I want to talk to the owner this motherfucker.

I want to talk to the dirty guy. Come on, come on here. Listen, dog. I want to see the devil. Fuck this little pussy shit for these fucking kids. I want to see this shit that people walk around. Like if somebody came in here was going to be. in here was going to die in an hour.

What would you fucking give him? That's what I want, all right? That's what you fucking want. Why would I pay you 20 for that and 20 for that and get the shitty shit? If it's an edible, if it's blow, if it's heroin, you're going for the best or don't do it?

Don't fucking do it. Why are you going to do it? Put that shit in your system. When I was doing, when I was doing coke, I would hunt the best coke out there. I would hunt the best coke out there. If the drug dealer was good, white and in shape. I didn't deal with that fucking mutt. I want to deal with the guy that's

losing the tooth and, you know, he got beat up the night before. That guy got beat up because he got fucking good coke. That motherfucker got fucking good coke. And I hunted the good blow out. The same thing with pills or whatever. You want the best. It costs you 10% more to fly 100% better, right? I have no idea what I just said. Do you people know that? I have no idea. I am so fucking high. Listen, I love you motherfuckers. Thank you for coming out support Ari Safier and my man the flying Jew. I love you

cocksuckers in all my heart. Stay black. You want to ask questions? It's ask Ari questions. Go ahead. Ari, they want to ask you a question. What's the new season coming out? When the day they're coming in?

December or something. I don't fucking. It's coming on Tuesday. This is Tuesday already? that's a great thing this kid's put together he's going to put storytelling on the map on its own in two years there's going to be a night at every comedy club or storyteller

when Ari comes in there's going to be an OG storyteller people are going to come from all over so give him some applause for putting that whole round together but giving us another you know we're just not comics no more we got fucking podcast and storytelling you know you got to go to weed stores there's a lot of work when you're a comedian you know

you got to put it together anything else people That's it. Can I get a chiba chute? No, you got dick. You got to go to each. Let me explain something to you, man. You had extra. You could have given it to him

instead of to me and Lee. He could be an undercover cop. And also, I do, 10 fucking years. We're in California. Everybody in this room could get a fucking chibo chew. You know what I'm saying? I don't know you.

If I give you a chibot chibot choo, next thing you know, I'm in fucking Twitter, I'm in handcuffs, I'm at the ice house. You know how these cops are in California, dog? He looks like he's 21 Jump Street No, no, no, he is a cop, he is a cop, look at him

I didn't know what was you. I thought it was the guy behind. You're too young for a cheap but you, dog. I've never been alive before. You haven't? No. Good for you. You got problems.

I got to go, but listen, about it. I got to tell you there's the funniest fucking thing. Ladies, appreciate that and talk to your daughters after I tell you this story. I'm in Phoenix. I don't know. Portland, Oregon. A couple weeks.

We're going to be in St. Louis, November 21st. November 21st. But don't plug the fucking date cuck, sucker. Why? Because we're going to plug it later. Oh, okay. I'm in St. I'm in Portland, Oregon, about six weeks ago. Guys, this is the most bizarre thing that's ever happened.

And it's like 40 of us outside after the show, and there's a chick that's lurking. Attractive, maybe not, maybe so, whatever, you know. She wasn't for me, you know, but I'm watching her, and she's by herself. And she's getting closer and closer, and there's a joint going around, and people. It's a great fucking club, Portland, Helium. And everybody's having a great time. And all of a sudden, we're having a conversation. And somebody goes, it was raining.

So somebody goes, it was a great night for fucking. That's all somebody said. It's a great night for fucking. And this chick out of her mouth goes, I started fucking when I was 10. When somebody says that, it's sexy at first, like a second. You're like, I started fucking at 10. You're like, ooh, that bitch definitely got a tattoo, right? But then you're like 10.

And somebody said, who fucked you? And she's like, some guy that was about 18, I was 10, and he fucked me over and over and over again. And everybody sat there and goes, all right, all right, man. We all got to go. I mean, it was the creepiest thing. Because as men, if a woman's saying that shit, we'll sit around.

Did you take it in the ass? Did he come in your mouth? We'll investigate. Did he come on your feet? Did he tell you up? Tell me more. No, me, I don't want to fuck you. I'm just asking you.

I have a girlfriend. I'm engaged. I would never. Really? Are you serious? I'll fuck it. But it's so fucked up how this chick just said that. Like, no, some guy who was 18,

he fucked me over and over and over again. And the whole fucking, like, everybody was like, yeah, but also I'd just stop. and it sunk in and you can see how people were like, okay. And you have a good night. And usually, out of 20 guys, there's got to be one filthy motherfucker

that'll come up to her like, so are you still looking to fuck anymore? You know, nobody. Everybody was like, fuck it. That's it. All right. Good night. I love you guys. Have a happy Halloween. And I'll see you before. I'll see you, motherfuckers. for Thanksgiving with doing this.

Lee Syatt will be outside, signing autographs and telling stories. I love you guys. Thank you very much. I love you with all my heart. Thank you. Now that the show is over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet.

Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to Huluplus.com slash Joey or go to joeydea's dot net and click on the hulu plus banner and don't forget to sign up for dollar shave club.com you'll get high quality razor sent to your door each and every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail now go to dollar shave club.com forward slash church or go to joey or just go to joey