The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - The Church Of What's Happening Now Live #10

Episode Date: February 28, 2014

Tom Segura joins Joey and Lee at the Ice House. Attention! We are aware of the audio issue. Well work it out before the next live podcast. If you cant listen to it were sorry but if you can we appreciate it!

A little bit of Aerosmith, sweet emotion, or in honor of Joey being in Boston right now. So if you're listening to this weekend right when it comes out, which I'm not sure why you wouldn't be. Joey is right now at Laugh Boston. He has shows tonight. Well, actually, Thursday is probably already happened by the time this comes out.

But Friday and Saturday. And I think Saturday is almost sold out. if not already sold out. So make sure you go today Friday. Welcome, guys. This is the live church from last week, February 22nd, 2014, which we did at the Ice House after a few months away. We didn't do one, I think, the last month or two of the year,

last year, and then the first month of this year. So it was great to be back. And we did it on a Saturday, which we normally don't do. normally do Wednesday nights. So it was packed, sold out even before we got there. I love those. I love it when they have to bring chairs in from outside. And you can't, you know, it can walk around because it's so packed.

It's a lot of fun. I really, and I know Joey does too, really appreciate you guys supporting us and coming out. And having a good time because of the crowd, it really makes a difference when it's packed. And it's a lot of fun to do. So we had a great guest this time. We've been trying to get him on for a while. Tom Segura, who I'm a big fan of, of his comedy and his podcast, Your Mom's House, that he does with his wife, Christina Pizzik, who's also a comic. So if you are looking for another podcast, check that out after you check this one out.

So here's the thing. if you listen to the church episode from Monday I was talking to Joey about how we I only thought we had about an hour of this podcast recorded because what happens is if you haven't been to the Ice House the sound stage is at a different end it's not anywhere near the stage so I don't have access to my recorder during the taping

because I'm on stage getting made fun of as you'll hear by the comedians. So when I get off stage, I go over and the recorder isn't recording. So that freaks me out because it should be recording. Talk to the sound guy. He doesn't know what happened. And we look and it said only 55 minutes of it was recorded. I was like, oh shit, that sucks.

But you would think, okay. Whatever we have is what we have. So I moved the very next Wednesday. So that's why it's not out yet. I wanted to, first I wanted to give the regular church episodes from this week a couple days to breathe because if you put out too many episodes at once, people don't listen to them. So I wanted people to listen to every episode. And I thought this would be a cool weekend treat for you guys.

So I get to the office. I moved yesterday. Big pain in the ass. But it's all done. And I get to the office today, Thursday. And I plug it in. And somehow I was able to get the whole thing did record, all two plus hours of it. It's like, yes.

That's good news. I start playing it. And as you'll hear, I'm not sure if it's, because it's, not the recorder because I tested the recorder. I don't know if it's the wiring at the ice house. I don't know if the board was too hot. I don't know if it was the mics. I don't think it was the mics

because I brought one of our mics and it was the same thing. When the audio levels were too loud, it pops. It kind of distorts. It's a little hard to listen to. It's not

unlistenable and I've checked and most of it I feel is listenable. if this was a comedy album of course we wouldn't put it out but as a free extra episode Joey's on stage right now so I can't even call him I feel like it's good enough quality but I wanted to let you guys know and apologize and it won't happen again

I'll figure out what happened I'll talk to the guys at the ice house and we'll make sure this doesn't happen and it's weird because it hasn't happened before so I don't know if a board setting was different or if the connection that we were in is bad. But it was so frantic this week because they were, the first show ran late, and I was running to get everything set up. So I didn't have a chance to test the audio

as thoroughly as we would have to been able to find this. I just tested the levels, and the levels were good, but as you'll hear for whatever, It wasn't happening in the room. So it's something within the board. I'm guessing maybe the output or maybe the wires, the cables coming from the stage to the board. I don't know.

We'll see. But I know. I understand it's hard to listen to. And if you can't listen to the episode, I apologize. I still feel like it's a good episode to listen to. It's over two hours. I wouldn't block it.

last this because some of the cracking does get loud, but if you're listening to it at a normal level, I listen to the whole thing and I feel as though it's listenable. And we will correct this and it's even more of

an incentive for you guys to come out to the live episodes. And hopefully we'll start doing those in other cities, but for right now we're doing them hopefully once a month in Pasadena at the Ice House. so please come see that we always have great guests and as you can hear we have a great time i really

i trust me i i there's some of you who listen who are big audio files and and uh i know this is going to be hard for you but i think most people i think you're going to be able to deal with it um and listen and and hear the funny it's only really when it gets a little bit too loud when when when like people are yelling uh which can be a lot with joey As we all know. But even then, I don't, it's not like it's unlistenable and it's on. I did some work on it in audacity and I was able to reduce it a little bit. I really do feel as though it is a worthy listen.

If you can't, I understand. I'm sorry. But I honestly do feel if you, if you give it a shot, it'd be worth it. A big thank you to our sponsors to On it, of course, Hulu Plus, Dollar Shave Club, NatureBox,

and our newer sponsors, Nailed It Life, and Escapodank.com. If you're looking for some of the other podcasts that we're doing now out of this office, check out Leesayette.com and has all my podcasts. And then also, of course,

go to joey-d-d-des. dot net for all of his tour dates. I know he just ordered his t-shirts and he has mugs and patches for your jiu-diceguis coming. So be on the lookout for that joey diaz.net, leesai.com. Like I said, we were lucky in the audio, the recording was saved, but the audio isn't of the best quality. So I understand that. If you feel the need to tweet me about it, which I'm sure a lot of you will go ahead but I did as much as I can and I'm sorry that it's not of the usual quality

we usually get pretty good recordings from the ice house so we'll work on that and enjoy Tom Segura and Joey Diaz and myself on the latest live episode like those fucking Italian butcher places when I was a kid we had Marglinzano's in New Jersey you're walking there with your mother right now They had them an alphabetical auto or an autobiize.

They had like pigeons, chickens, roosters, lizards, snakes, donkeys, gorillas. They had everything. Whatever animal, fuck the National Act, Animal Wildlife Control. Mr. Marglinzano had giraffes. He had everything. Apes, fucking everything. Birds with colors on them. Everything.

Whatever animal you want a dead, you could get a turtle. And like your mother, I came from a spanish. I came from a Spanish house where your mother wants to make your chicken soup. She wants a fresh fucking chicken. She ain't going to go to Rouse and get you one of those free-dried fucking chicken. They go up there and get the fresh chicken. You go right there and you're like a little kid. But that's why you, before computers, when I was a little kid, you had dick for entertainment.

When your mother said, I'm making chicken suit, you're like I'm coming because I'm going to go see a chicken get fucking killed. That's entertainment when you're a Spanish kid. No computer. Come on, fuck it. Let's go watch a chicken get killed. You walk into the store with your mother. It's lonely in there.

you can smell the desk. As soon as a custom walks in, you can see the birds stop, stop, they know somebody's going to go. Now, the guy who works there, he ain't no handsome guy. He's missing the limb. Something. He's missing like an elbow. So you can smell the deck.

You're like, oh, fuck, this guy. What can I get you? I need a bird. And all of some, the birds, they know the language. Like a chicken, what size chick, a medium. All the medium birds, they run to the back of the cage. You can say, And he comes in, he don't give a fuck.

This place ain't PG-Raid. He don't give a fuck about violence or blood or nothing. He just goes to the fucking cage. And they're back, and he sticks his fucking hand in there. And you get right in front of you. You could be like six. He don't give a fuck. He'll take that bird and punch it.

First you'll punch it right in the fucking. You motherfucker. Cotsucker. Then he takes out he breaks his fucking neck right in front of you. And he fucking punches it right in front of it. Then he puts in the machine that the feathers it. Do you see that? They threw it, and then a bunch of feathers come out.

And then about six minutes later, a Puerto Rican hand just comes out with a chicken cut up in the 18. I just want to applaud Mexican people. There's no paperwork. That's it. No paperwork. The United States, we got the problems we got here, because there's always fucking paperwork. paperwork. Too much, too many fucking questions. In Mexico you show up with the envelope. There's no questions. You want a liver? What size? Don't even give a fuck. Like I think you gotta match up colors, right? You gotta put like a Mexican liver, fucking.

They'll give you a black liver. They don't give a fuck. You'll be alive, but you'll get a move for ribs. Like once a week. I want some collard greens. What the fuck? My mouth is salty. It's like I eat some pussy, you know what I'm saying? Like, sometimes you eat pussy and you get salty mouth after you know? What the fuck did I? I, oh fuck, fuck, what? Nothing wrong with some salty pussy at Saturday night. Mexican people are great. They don't fuck around and that's why Americans are jealous. A lot of people are jealous of Mexican people. I had a TV when I first moved to the Valley Red Band, gave me a nice TV. When I got there, it weighed 8,000 fucking pounds.

Big screen, but it weighed like 22,000. thousand fucking pounds. I had to get a tow truck and push it out of the house. Then once it got to my house, it was me, Jerry, Lee, my wife, the neighbors, the cats. Everybody pushed that motherfucker up to the stand. Everybody. The cats were up with a rope pulling it up. I'm not exaggerating.

We put the TV on the fucking thing. A month later, remote control broke. We couldn't get a remote control. We called the companies, we got to get rid of this TV. these two Mexicans down my block, they have a white truck that's fucked up. And every day they got different shit on there. Some day it's mattresses. Some days it's refrigerators.

Some days it's caskets. They don't give a fuck. They go wherever the action is. You understand me? And I walked over there at dinner time. They had their shoes off. This is Mexican people. This is why you got to love these motherfuckers.

And I interrupted their dinner. I go, excuse me. I'm sorry. What happened? I go, listen, I got this TV. The remote don't work. It works like a motherfucker. I don't want it. I don't know what to do with it.

They're like, in the middle of dinner, I was like, I'll be right there. Yeah, like a chubby little son, like maybe 12, a little chubby little motherfucker. He was, hey, the motherway. That motherfucker, put that tortilla down. They showed up, I heard them coming up the stairs, the little kid was all pissed off and shit.

They opened up, muoomata, but I gave him like 50 bucks. They were coming up. You know, I show him the TV. This motherfucker, he's like 62. He's like 60, too. He looked at this fucking TV He told his son Turn around

Turn around Get low Just someone out of you Get out of you kick Yeah, I'm less Get low This motherfucker This motherfucker came over here

Pick this TV up like this And just put on that little kid's back And they just walked down the stairs Like nothing Right back to the truck They took eight fucking people And nine cats To push the TV up the stairs

Two fucking Mexicans 160 and one fucker I'm about a big round of applause for this sexy fucking savage tonight over here. Serving some drinks to you with a little fucking ponytail. Look at her looking good tonight. I'll fucking pull that motherfucker took me. I'm like a woman with a ponytail to turn your eye and I'll fucking pull that mother. Give her round applause. Give her some tips.

Give her some love. She's an animal. I love her. Come up to the stage, my little brother, Mr. Lee Syak, get him up here. Oh shit. Not much, buddy. How are you my wife? I'm good. I love that Mexican of that story. It's a few fucking story. I was telling you guys outside.

Because Paula's here. She told me a story about her mom doing that to her, like just picking the feathers out of the chicken. Oh, yeah. They don't fuck around. Jewish kids can't handle that. No, fuck no. Listen, you bring three pigeons that have been hit by a car to a Mexican's house. And you walk in, look what I found, like three pigeons that are half fucked up, like a little retard, like you hit them with a bicycle.

In ten minutes, they'll have three. tacos that are the fucking delicious you understand me with a little eyeball in there blinking at you and shit Mexicans know what a nutrients are at no i'm telling you i have a man i have a friend Rodrigo's Rodrigo Torres he works from exterminator he's mexican the fucking company's Mexican he worked for he fell off a house that had three floors on his back got up finish exterminating the house you know me i said go to the hospital we got a jew attorney for he goes no i don't nothing, nothing happened. I go, how the fuck did you fall off

a fucking house, three stories, land on your back? Most fucking people sue those motherfuck, he didn't give a fuck. But there's no joke here. I'm just telling you that. That's a Mexican for you. He landed on his back and he went right to work. Most of these fucking weaklings land on their bed. I got

Limponego. I can't hear. I got fibro malagia. Get the fuck out of here. Fibremalasia. And every fucking year we allow these people to hit us with a disease. I look at them and tell them to go fuck themselves, right to their face. Like, I'm not doing it, dog. I'm still not over the peanut allergy. I'm still not over that fucking thing.

What upsets you about the peanut allergy? Because how the fuck are you allergic to God's gift of a fucking peanut? I don't get that. It's a beautiful fucking thing. What did you do? How can you be allergic to a peanut? You can't hang out. You can't go to a baseball game and relax.

You gotta sit there and look straight If somebody gets a peanut You gotta look at them weird Excuse me, I'm allergic to peanut What the fuck? I don't give a fuck If I'm in a baseball game And I bet the Yankees And you tell me you're allergic to peanuts

I'll rub them on your face You understand? I don't give a fuck I don't give a fuck You'll be like Arod You'll be popping peanuts and steroids What's up, Lysayette You gotta get rid of that fucking cough

You gotta go to the doctor You gotta go back You got to that Puerto Rican guy at CVS I told you He goes to these fucking little guys at CBS They got thrown away You know what I'm saying? Like they were doctors like a year ago

And they don't give a fuck They take my insurance Yeah, that's no shit They take insurance You gotta go to a real doctor league You gotta go to a doctor that has like a thing He graduated from a school Not some guy that fucking

Got his degree at AT&T ITT, whatever the fuck it is Medical or Samedical or Now he's giving out prescriptions at fucking CVS. You might as well go to me. I'll give you a fucking prescription. I just took your prescription, by the way. You what?

I just took, I know what your prescription is. No, no, no, no, no, no. I got a lot of fucking prescriptions that people don't know about it. I got old prescriptions at the house, you know? So what, the expiration date is 10 years ago? They still fucking work. I'm telling you right now. Those old pills fucking work.

Trust me. And I got expiration plus I got shit. You get a cough. You got a cough, right? For example, you don't feel good. You don't need to go to a fucking doctor. You go down to the Chinese restaurant. You get yourself a container, hot sour soup,

and come to put extra vinegar in that motherfucker. You take a couple of advils or a leaves, and the vinegar cleanse your fucking body, and then you can't sweat. That's how you get rid of the food. That's from Uncle Joey. This ain't from no fucking... I'm saving you $50 fucking dollars.

But if you have the hot sour soup, take a nap and go out and do a gram of blow. I can't fucking help you. If you go out and eat pussy, I can't help you. You gotta stay in the house. Gotta put the blankets on and sweat it out and eat some vitamin C. Okay.

Sounds good. You get it together, cocksucker, because... A cork because... Look at, 243 people have died in LA because I don't mean to bring nobody down. I'm trying to help you motherfuckers out. You guys don't listen to your parents. You'll listen to fucking...

You don't listen to... You don't listen to... You don't listen to... I just wiped the flu off my fucking ear. I'm going to wake up Monday. My ear's going to be all fucked up. And it starts small. What happens is it starts small.

We start coughing and we don't have a temperature. We need the money so we go to work. But it's L.A. So when you leave the house, it's cold out. And then it gets 90 fucking degrees. That's the flu growing inside you. Then by 7 o'clock it gets fucking worse. We broke a sweat.

Now you go home and get a pneumonia. Now you're in the hospital for 18 fucking days because you went to work for two days. Just take the two fucking. days off. I don't mind you have the flu. It's going to happen in life. You know what I'm saying? It's the motherfucker's like I had to stop smoking weed when I travel with people. Because people fucking are disgusting fucking animals. Do me a favor, dog. If you have the flu, don't smoke weed with people. Okay? Don't come up to me and go, Joey, I've got a good weed.

And then after we smoked it, meanwhile, you go, I'm like, were you sick? No, I was sick last week. Motherfucker! You just woke up Godzilla and you pass them out to me, you fuck! I swear to God, let me tell you about Hollywood. I swear to my mother's grave. Let me tell you about Hollywood one time. About 15 years ago, I was at the comedy store,

and we were smoking pot in a circle, and the midway in the joint, some guy just happened to say, do you know I'm HIV positive? I almost punched the fuck out of him. I had a light of my lip. on fire you understand me I walked around with pussy lips like I sucked crack dick I hate that shit that's why I'm done I'm done one of those guys who are getting

things signed and then they shake your hand and like I'm getting things signed for HIV testing oh god it scared me for a while can you shake their hand I don't know yeah you could shake the hand you just can't suck their dick leave that's all you if somebody tells you the HIV you can hang out with them you can't thug and don't let him cry. Because those tears, that's worse than black spit. You know what I'm saying? That should have been right through you.

I'm sorry, I was told to a black friend of mine are way up here. I swear to God Dante, he was on my mind and we were fucking around. We were talking about black music and I started to argue with him and we started talking about black spit. I thought it was funny. Coming to the stage, where's my man, Tom's the girl. Get up here, motherfucker. Oh shit. Oh shit.

Oh shit. What's up, baby? What's up, brother? How are you, my friend? You're gonna give me a fucking aneurysm. Oh, we had a good time. We have a good time. Oh, you keep your fucking distance.

Nah, he's all right. He's healed now. He's healed now. First of all, can we just address the fact that Joey thinks a peanut allergy is just a complaint? Like, it's not a real thing. He's like, knock it off.

Like, knock it off. Like, knock it's true. Like, knock the fuck off. You're like, change the station. I don't like this music. I don't. I don't want to hear that shit. People are going to listen to this.

You're like, my son died. And you're like, get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out of here. All right. Your son died from now nutrition. Not because he ain't a fucking penis. You know what I'm saying? Stop giving them those fucking,

whatever the fuck. Excuse me. Oh, giving them those fucking, you know, those things in the morning. Not waffles, whatever the fuck. Stop giving you a waffles. Fucking Lego. Give them their fucking prodding.

And you wonder why these kids are dying. You give them fucking Legos. Make two eggs with a piece of hand, cock suck, and a loaf of bread, and a milkshake. And you wonder why your kid gets bullied, because he's eating fucking Legos for fucking breakfast. You want a kid to be a killer. He's got to eat Count Chalkyla. That's the shit. None of the 10 convicts eat Count Chalkula.

They never did the survey, but I did. Is that that that the... When I went to jail, all the black dudes in the Puerto Rico, I like Count Chalkaululul. I like count chocolate. I stopped eating cow chocolate because that's I didn't want to be felonious. Like you're soft. You're soft if you like as per frosted face. Yeah, like if you like frosted flakes, you get fucked up.

Fuck you. I'm still laughing about the black spit. I almost died the last time I hung out with you. I know. People usually do. I love it. I fucking love it. He, he fucking, he, Joey,

we're in the fucking Burbank airport and he's like super fucked up already. It's like 7 a.m. And he, he, he's like, eat one of these dogs. And he's like, throw, like, fucking eat it. And I'm like, oh, what's this? And he's like, you're going to be fucked up. I'm like, great.

I already ate it. And a TSA agent is like fucking 10 feet from us. And he goes, TSA! And I was like, And he goes, and he points, he goes, check him out. And I'm like, what the fuck? I immediately make a beeline for the magazine store.

I was like, I'm out of here. I don't know if I'm fucking doing this at all. I go, I buy a magazine. And then I look back and Joey is talking to the TSA agent and they're laughing together. They're like, and I go, and I'm like, what the fuck is going on? Because I'm high as shit. And so I walk, I walk out. of this fucking place I'm like holy shit I see the TA station walk away and I go

what was that he goes I run this airport dog right back I do I really do I really do I go no this how I know the girl's a comedian and the sister is the fucking countermanager's Southwest bitch I fly big time so when I go I get the handicap sticker I load the plane first I get all fucked up Hey, I need every fucking piece of action I could get, you know what I'm saying? So there's a couple guys in there that I see at auditions.

They're TSA actors. They're TSA guys, but they're also actors. Can you stop there for a second? Do you even know the TSA agents are also fucking actors in our doubt? Like, they got to make a living. They live in L.A. What the fuck? They work part-time. They might as well go for commercial auditions or whatever the fuck they do. I guess so.

It just takes the whole fucking TSA job down the wrong. I don't, listen. I'm in the school of Ari. Listen, I give TSA the respect they deserve, which is stand there. Okay, and I'm not talking bad if you're a TSA agent, but there's 19 of you motherfuckers' garden, nobody's really paying attention because the job is so minute, and so, you know, I have a friend that was flying out,

I said this a thousand times, was flying from Connecticut, he was flying to Connecticut, he was flying from Connecticut to fucking Las Vegas to meet us for a UFC. He had an ounce of weed. When he got to the airport he got so paranoid he threw the ounce of weed away.

He got on the plane to Las Vegas, landed in his room. He opened up his bag. When he opened up his bag, ready guys? He had loose bullets from when he went to the gun range. So there you have it. You understand me? For two years, I would put a fucking quarter ounce of weed under my nutsack and go through security. And I wasn't even guys.

I never even thought about it. I can attest to that. Because I know they don't give a fuck. What can they say? Even if they didn't look at my nuts at it. They were like, hold on. Come here. Come here.

PSA. Blow the whistle. Come here. His one nut sack of pee is big. And the one guy would say, well, look at him. He's probably stoned. He's overweight.

He's got sleep at me. He's probably got nut cancer. You don't want to ruin his. trip do you fuck no all right fuck them let them go the small details fuck it let them think I got nut cancer I got I got the good I got the shit to kill fucking you know Philips Seymour my nutsack who the fuck are you kidding you know what's the shit he smoked before he popped the fucking need a little hand to do a motherfucker Sabbath 71 if I'm gonna take you deep I gotta take you deep into the murky waters of

the underworld You understand me? Fuck, black spit. Black spit and Philip Seymour Hopman all on the same show. We might as well wrap this motherfucker up right now. How much black yelling is at a TSA checkpoint? Holy shit. No, it's, go out of Washington, D.C.

That's where you see fucking brothers TSA at the national, at their national... What is it? Natural habitat. I'm sorry. They're sitting there. Nobody's doing that. nothing. They're looking at each other. What's up, Tyrone? I don't know. What happened last night? What the nix? I don't know. What's up? What's up? E! I went to Baltimore 90 fucking TSAs.

Nobody was doing dick. That's the first time ever I was really angry at TSA. Besides that, there are a bunch of people who do their jobs like us. They train them what? What can they fucking possibly train you for? For two weeks? Before they send you to war, you go to basic camp, and you gotta go to some fucking lagoon where they shoot at you, right or wrong, for six fucking months. These guys, they want them to be fucking bomb-sniffing dogs. In two weeks, they pay them 13 an hour and fucking benefits. Let me ask you people something. Would you risk your fucking life at 13 an hour?

They don't even give you a fucking gun. If you're a security guard and you don't have a gun, stab yourself. What the fuck do you have the job for? Why would you have the fucking job for? If I was a security guard, that's the point of being a security guard, is having a gun. Maybe I fucked up. Maybe I got a felony. I can't be a fucking police officer, but I could carry a bow and arrow and have some fun.

I went to the mall of America. You know, mall's like the biggest target for fucking terrorism, and I got these eight white skinny guys walking around with a walkie-talkie side, and one Chinese guy. Let's pretend he knows Kung Fu. Let's pretend. Let's pretend. You got eight white skinny guys and one Chinese guy that may be a green belt in Kung Fu.

What are my chances of disarming a fucking? terrorist or the baseball fucking bascon let's put some hard-hitting motherfuckers in there some you know these guys they come back with TSA what they come back with PTS whatever the fuck oh yeah send them the fuck to the mall you know what I'm saying you think I'm fucking kidding you're gonna have them at home sitting there hearing voices fuck though put it to the fuck them fucking mall walk around there's something they'll just snap on everybody like a laser gun I don't give a fuck one normal guy with five fucking retards They ain't that bad.

You get one guy to be the Captain Kirk, you know what I'm saying? You keep four guys all fucked up. I heard something. No, you didn't. It's all right. You can trick people. Trust me. I used to trick people all the time.

Like what he said, I tell people, oh, go! And I go like that. I'm the fucking king of it. Listen, I think you hit a window paint assail one night with Kurt D Lorenzo. There's a good one. I forgot about this one, right? Before that, let's fucking eat some medibles for you people. Open this motherfucker.

Look at Lee Sayat. He's been good all day. I just took one. What was this? You took one last week. I took one 20 minutes ago. No, you did not. What were you talking about? You took one, a little piece. Look at him. He's a savage Lysiat. All right, so.

Yeah. So me, me, Kurt D. Lorenzo, and this guy, Louis Castellito, go to a movie. I think it was. When? You can't tear it.

Half of it and then we'll split half. It's not like the church. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Yeah, man. How fucked up I am, right? It tastes like Cocoa Plus, man.

It's your message. It tastes like Count Chalk, you love. So this is how fucked up I am. So we go to the movie. We go see Apocalypse now. Right? As we're going to go see Apocalypse now? Right in high school.

I was a sophomore in fucking high school. school and we all got together we go we're gonna take a bunch of ass we went up to the fairview cinema it's not there no more it's some piece of shit fucking subway sandwich fuck them but they used to be a carvel stand next to this movie theater so there was an upside down me louis castledo john crowley into this so this kid john crowley was arrested he's a little fucked up and there was an upside down ice cream cone with sprinkles melted with ants eating it and there was a long line for people to wait for pink floyd john crowley walked in the line looking the line looking at to a bunch of motherfuckers picked up the cone and ate it.

Then he called this over. Come on. Get in front of these motherfuckers. So we stood in there like, nothing. That was fucking ingenuity right there. Like that little Chinese Cubs got that sold 150 boxes in front of a wheat store. Not where everybody's mad at it. Fuck you, motherfucker. That's American ingenuity. Use your fucking tools.

Instead of working, that kid ain't going to get bullied. That kid ain't going to get bullied. She sold $400 worth of fucking cookies. That bitch is a bad. year it was, what the situation was. I'm sitting there in 1982. She's counting 20s. That little bitch is going down.

Fuck it. So wait a second. I mugged a bitch before while I was eating a pussy. I swear to God. Wait, what? I mugged the chick while I was eating her pussy. I was going through her pockets, right? Looking for a hundred dollar bill.

A white chick. I met her at the laugh factor. She got thrown out and she was staying downtown and I had a little bit of coke. That's what I tricked her with. Will you tell the national? No, no, no, no, so, no, no, so let me tell me, let me first this fucking story. So we go to the movie today, we see Pink Floyd, whatever the fuck it is, Apocalypse now, we walk out, we're all fucked up.

We're all fucked up, right? We're walking home and it just rained. It just rained. So I look at my friend Louis Castleto, who's crazy like me. I look at him right now, I go, you hear that fucking siren? And he looks at me, go, not really. But the other guy, Kurt looks at me, he goes, I hear something. I go, I hear that fucking siren.

And all of a sudden, Kirk goes, I fucking hear something. So Louis looks at both of us, he goes, I think I hear something too. And this goes on for 10 fucking minutes. You hear something? I don't hear him. You hear him? I don't hear nothing. And finally, Kurt, I'll never forget,

his Kurt looks at us, and he goes, you motherfuckers. And he looks down there's a puddle filled with water. He bends over. He says, listen. Oh no, no. And all something just runs home. That's it. The point of the story is I got into his mind psychologically.

You understand? I got so fucking high one time in Peru. I went down to Peru where my mom's from, and I brought a friend, and we were just out of college, and I told my cousin, like, hey, can we get some weed? And it was a bigger deal. He was like, I mean, that's on you, man. And I was like, I don't have contacts.

Like, I can't be like, hey, you want to get weed? Like, we're in, you know, a foreign country. He's like, I'll get you, all right, I'll ask somebody. So we go to the university, the school the next day, and he's like, you have money? And I was like, yeah, he's like, give me like 30 bucks. Like, all right, I gave the guy, 30 bucks. And he hands me a bag, and in it is like an ounce and a half. And I was like, we're here for like fucking five days.

Like, what am I doing with this? So he's like, is that cool? I was like, yeah, I guess that's cool? Like, he's like, you're straight, right? And we're looking around like, this is a sting operation for sure. This is a third world sting, for sure. And we go back to my cousin's house, and we go on his roof, we roll joints. And they don't fold.

We just roll joints of this shit. I'm like, this looks like some fucking whack-ass weave, man. But let's just smoke it. And so we smoke it. And then I just, I go, I'm like, I'm cold, man, I'm real cold. And my friend's like, I'm cold too, I'm cold. So we go in the guest rooms and we just have, we have two twin beds. I have one, he has the other.

And I'm like, do you hear those trains coming, man? And he's like, no, I don't hear him. And I was like, there's fucking trains coming right now, man. And I basically lose my mind for the whole fucking night, right? Just shivering and hearing trains that aren't there. So the next day I was like, that was some wild shit. Like, yeah, that was fucking terrible. And we're like, cool, like, let's smoke again now.

So the second night, we smoke, we get cold again. And this time, like, it just doesn't affect me as much. And I'm like, are you fucked up? He's like, I'm out of my fucking mind. Like, now it's affecting him more. And we're laying there for like an hour in silent. And then he's like, fuck. And I go, what?

He goes, dude, now I hear trains. There's trains coming for real. There were never trains. Like we were just completely out of our fucking mind smoking like, I don't know, Peruvian fucking dirt. I don't know what the fucking was. It was crazy.

You know how you were talking about like how here our perception of Mexicans is like how hardworking they are? Like that's the big thing here. If you go to South America, the crazy thing is how they all perceive each other because it's not like Americans view them. They all have different fucking, like,

if you're in any South American country and you mention a Mexican, they're immediately like, oh, fuck, like, we're going to get shot. They're so, they're so scared of, like, you're like, this guy's a Mexican, they're like, he's got a gun for sure. They're terrified, though.

It's so funny. They don't see them at all the way we do it. And if I visit another country, and I was like, oh, yeah, like I'm Peruvian, they'll be like, we'll lock up all our fucking silver when you're in the house. And I'd be like, what? And they're like, you guys are thieves and you fucking know it.

And I was like, right to your face too. They're like, you know you guys are thieves. I'm like, what fuck are you talking about, man? I had no idea. And then if they're like, if you're like from Argentina, they're like, you're a fucking asshole. That's all they say. You're just a fucking asshole.

And in Cuban, I don't know. Cuban, they always are like, I'mo de sito. Like, they had to suffer so much for custody. They just feel bad that they've had to suffer for you. if you're Cuban and you're another country. And then they talk about the old days, how fucking beautiful it used to be before he thought fuck

the whole place. The place always had a... I bumped into this Panamanian lady who was really cool. I've known it for like 30 years. And when I first met her, she told me Cuba always had a curse on it, so she was a little girl. She believed Cuba had a really bad curse on it. And when the slaves were getting put by,

they put a curse on Cuba. That's why Cuba's never really been settled. been settled. Really? They've always been at fucking war with themselves. And they believe it's a curse? Well, you know, at this point, what the fuck, you know?

At this point, they don't really know, you know, but this lady was saying that the place was cursed. She goes, at one point, it was heaven on earth. Cuba was heaven on earth. There was a fucking paradise. People going down there. There was more Cadillacs in Cuba in 195

than what they were in the United States. Let's work this down for you, motherfuckers, Again, there was more Cadillacs and Cuba than what they were in the United States. That's insane. In 1955, go home and Google that shit, motherfuckers. What does that tell you? That's an island

as big as fucking Boston. And it had more Cadillacs, so dig that fucking statistic for you. It was heaven on earth. And they thought they had the world by the balls, and Fidel came in, and he lied, and who knows? They got their property

taken, their dreams, you know. Who the fuck knows? Everybody's suffered. Every fucking nationality has suffered. See? So everybody has gotten their asses kicked. The Indians, the Jews, the Germans, the fucking Puerto Ricans, the Argentinans. Everybody's fucking somewhere got their fucking asses kicked.

And that's just the way life is, man. Yeah. If you do the fucking math, Philippines, how many Filipinos are in here? What did you guys get conquered? 19,000 fucking times. You know, and you're a beautiful country, and that's why you have Spanish last names and Chinese last names and fucking everything. It's such a vast country, but everybody gets tortured in their fucking life, you know? I like these people that walk around like, oh, we, what fucking we?

The Indians, they were putting smallpox in their fucking blankets. What haven't they done for these fucking Indians? What haven't they done to fucking American Indians? They give these motherfuckers gin. You know what I'm saying? They invite them to an origin and give them fucking gin. torture these fucking people. Bought New York for what, $20 fucking dollars and think about that shit, trick these motherfuckers like they ain't nothing here

does. For 20 fuck, we'll give you 20 for gas. Get the fuck out of it. You know, fucking Jews, you know, what haven't they done? Cubans, fucking, everybody's suffered. So, you know, fuck these all. Mexicans, California, but was fucking Mexico. When you see, you know that taco, what the fuck is, a, on the five. No, Taco, loco, you're fucking. When you're on the five, the big sign.

King Taco, that's been there, you know, for 2,000 fucking years. It started with a fucking guy on a mule selling tacos. And 2,000 years later, he's got a fucking building. He's got two of them, so fuck you motherfuckers. The fuck. Part of the California is, we took King Taco from Mexico. I never forget I was in San Francisco.

I was in San Francisco in 85. I was in San Francisco in 85 and I was dodging cops in Colorado. They wanted me for credit cards in 87 or something like that. And right before they came the next morning, I was out of there and I went to San Francisco. It was the cheapest flight from... Close that fucking door. It was the cheapest flight from Colorado, San Francisco when I got to the airport. So I went to San Francisco, and it was an education because my mother had died in 79,

and I really wasn't around a lot of Cubans after that. And I teamed up with these fucking gangster street Cubans in San Francisco. They used to sell nickel bags and heroin. And they just ran this fucking block down there. And they had the old guy. He had white hair, and they called him in Boodle. He was the purest one, and you had to give him like a fucking 10% every day. But you could go out there and fucking bend my thing since I spoke English,

was I was the credit card man. They would give me all the credit cards, and I go to Chinatown and bang those motherfuckers out. Bang, bang, bang, you buy something. And you keep it under the limit. Under $50, they wouldn't call it in in those days. They would check out a book. We were going to check a tourist in a book.

So I would go in there and buy something for, you know, $49 and bring it back and get cash, you know, Uncle Joey. Or take it to the corner and get $25 for whatever, you know. What's the point of this fucking story? Oh, okay. But it was very interesting. Sometimes, the Gumi Band makes you forget.

You got to recoup, you know what I'm saying? The point of the story was that one day, I was outside with Aputo. We were out there, right? I'll never forget this. And I never forgot the national... I didn't really know the history of Mexico at the time. I just always wanted to move to Mexico.

At the age of 20, I was just going to move to Mexico and shoot people. You think I'm kidding you. You know, when you were kidding, fucking Cuban. Who do you look up to? Tony Montana, he came later. Who the fuck do you look up to? There you go. Nobody. So as a Spaniard, fucking Mexicans in the Clint Eastwood movies. They had the fucking moustaches and they back it out for an hour. And they fucking shoot and Richie Ballin. So I wanted to move to, and then after I saw

a bomba, I was definitely moving to Mexico. I was going to move somewhere with a hut and the old lady missing an eye. and she makes tamales for breakfast and she reads you the fortune of the day. Fuck it, I'm in. But then all with the fucking gangbangers and all that shit now, I got no refuge. The point of the story, fucking beat. That one day I'm out there with that Pudo,

and me and him are just having a conversation about whatever the fuck it is, and some Mexican guy came up to him, drunk, beat up, talking English. The guy's like, hey man, you got five bucks. And Puro didn't speak Spanish. didn't speak English, he looked at the guy very insulted, and I don't know what he, and I don't know why. He just started yelling at this Mexican kid in Spanish. He goes, and this is what he said to him. He goes, after all the kicks in the ass, white people have given you over the ears.

You want to show up over here speaking English? Something fucked up. And the guy looked at him and just walked away. No moral to the story there, but I just want to let you know. That's when I found out that what had happened with California. I mean, we lived in San Francisco, and he was telling me how San Francisco even belonged for the Mexicans. So the point being everybody's fucking suffered. So I don't want to hear it no more, all right?

Africans, they got taken from their fucking huts, putting boats and brought over. Got to Cuba, whipped. You saw an amistad. We all saw Amistad. It was a fucking travesty, right? No matter who you were, when you watch Amistad, there was one point in movie theater, you looked down. In the movie thing, when they were whipping them and threw it. on them off the ship you look down you were fucking embarrassed everybody's got their asses

kick that's why from now when you see these people crying tell him go fuck yourself everybody has a bad day bitch you understand me do it though do it that's right do it as he's from the peanut allergy pull the epipan whoa you are fucked up yeah I'm getting there I'm getting there I've had who three quarters of one now he's You're a savage, Lisa. Jesus Christ. But it's true. He can't help you.

And even if he could, you're Jewish. You're in no danger. Right now, he's looking at you going, maybe. He's a night, now, fuck him, he's Jewish. Where were you when they were kicking me in the stomach, cuck, sucker? Did you need me then? Ah!

What's up, dog? Well, tell me, you just got sick from having a jamba juice, right? I got so fucking sick. from Java juice. That's why you get free drinking that shit. Is that on the fucking no-go? Is that like texting you? That's a fucking no-no?

Listen, man. Listen, listen to me. Let's just talk about what's going on. They talk about all the things that are bad for you in this country. Carbohydrate, sugar, all this fucking shit, right? You know how hard it is? Let me ask you people some.

I'm a fat fuck. Unless you go to Gelsons. You know how hard it is to get fresh fucking food? Because rouse. Them motherfuckers. You get there, the bananas are fucking beautiful. You put them in the bag, you bring them home, you take a shit, you take a nap, you wake up, they're fucking purple. Rounce, those are fucking, you know those candles you buy on people's birthday?

Where they blow them out and they keep going on, that's fucking rouse. They're a bunch of dirty fucking douchebags, is what they are. And with the meat, too, you bring the fucking meat home, you flip it around, it's pink. The other side, it's black. It's like a, like, I can't even say like what, but that fucking... They always trick your fucking rouse. So, you know what, when you're trying to lose weight, they're trying to be healthy, you want fresh bananas with your yoga in the morning,

you strive to go out and fucking get different fruit. So Albertsons is cool? I don't know, I don't know. Every time I walk into Albertsons, I feel a little fucked up. I feel a little fucked up. Like that, and there's a couple of supermarkets that you walk into and you think you're in a fucking dream. Not Rouss, but the understudy of Rous.

What about Johns? Yeah, that one, they'll kill you that. Jay, they try to trick you? And what's the one on Hollywood and Western, people? Hollywood and West, that's a bonds, right? What's the name of that one? Food for less. Oh my God. On Surset, on Sunset and Western.

They make you park underneath, when you walk upstairs, you feel like you might get killed on the way up. There's even blood on the floor. There's blood and guts and like a mini skirt. How are you doing with that? fucking miniskirt everything or some fucking killer legs what you do what exercise plan do you have for the to maintain those fucking legs nothing you just walk shit you're savage that's what you do you don't go to the gym nothing you're

natural like that I love Joey's ability what nationality are you fuck see them saying those are fucking Mexican legs those are those are those are those are Those are fucking fence legs right there. Those are some Mexican hoppers. You just fucking hop right over a fucking fence. With those things, those are some bad motherfuckers. I swear to God, you are the only person I know that can say that and it's a fucking compliment. It's true.

I know. But if anybody else were to be like, hey, It's sexual harassment. You know, you have nice Mexican hoppers. You look like you're judge of fence. You tell you something, people. And again, and I have a daughter at home, and I'm fucking telling you this. I would never, I fucking love messing with women, telling them how beautiful they are.

One thing my mother stressed in me when I was a young man was to always tell women how beautiful they were. That it would fucking change their life forever. She would go, they're going to change their life forever when you tell. And I do it, as a comedian just to have a good time. I do it to see, and I don't say to a woman, Excuse me. You know, like a fucking faggot. I tell like a man.

I tell a woman she looks beautiful like a fucking man. Like a couple weeks ago I was on a plane. And there was this black chick that was bang. This bitch, fuck Whitney Houston on the first out. This bitch was beautiful. Her face, she looked like a goddess. And she had these fucking Pat Meditar boots on. And she walked up to me and she's just,

I get you anything juice or water. And I go, before you go somewhere, those fucking boots are fucking smoking. She didn't know how to handle it. Women don't know how to handle it. At 7 in the morning, they can't handle them like, she just got up and walked away. Like, fuck this. But they love it most of the time. We went to Denny's and we... Oh my god, I had this chick that looked like me. Joey Diaz in a wig? This woman was ugly as sin and I have her thinking she was Bridget Barton. Every time she walked over, he'd look at her right in the face, you'd be like, you're a sexy savage.

sexy savage you know that I almost died because it's like midnight in North Hollywood she looked at him and she goes you know you know that's right or she still like she agreed with you she like I try I don't fuck around I tell him my god I break it fucking down why fuck around with a woman I hate when fucking women men fuck around with women women don't get their nails done shave their pussy put on a nice dress put on a song to go out and not be compliment maybe yeah yeah no she was Look at this lady looked like somebody kicked her every day. You know those women?

You know those women? She looked like the husband kicked her every day. Like, boom, wake up stupid. And he just left the room and she went to work and then he didn't see it. And when I think she worked all day, she sleeps. And by the time he woke up the next morning, he got up, look at it, punch her again in the back. This lady hasn't caught him. of breaks in 19-fucking 81 and I figured if I called her a sexy fucking savage

you know what I'm saying and when you say you gotta say it like you're gonna rip their fucking pit off you know what I'm saying anybody can say you're a sexy savage I'm like that fucking guy just called me a sexy savage I'm looking to inflict pain into your psyche for being good looking that's what I'm trying to look you look fuck like a black chick when I see a hot black chick I'll go up on the committee said look how can I help you I'm taking the fucking Beyonce poster down and they'll go what are you saying I'm putting your fucking picture up bitch that's what I'm saying you filthy motherfucker and then when you call him a filthy motherfucker I think you're a psychic thing how do you know I'm filthy I don't know that's all over the shop next thing you know you're 69 in a bad three and shit.

What about the black hook of your friends with in Studio City? We were having coffee one day. He just looks up, waves to people. He doesn't have to mess with me. Like any time a girl walks in, she'd be like 80 years old. He waves, points at me and looks away. But this time... I swear to God, Leo be right here, and the lady will be right here and go,

safe. And I'm going like that. And Leo turns purple. And the lady's not even looking at us. at us but I do it perfect. So you. Dude, none of you can get away with that. I swear to God. It's only you.

No, but it's like 11 a.m. in the morning. You look up and there's this hooker. There's like tall black girl walking. She has like a mini skirt on you. She waves. She waves back. You look at me, she's like, that's a black cook I was talking about. Again. Again. Maybe the night before, she was

involved in a fucking gang bang scene where they pissed on her and fucked her wig up and fucked in her ass. And pissed in her fucking feet and she went home and felt bad about herself. She woke up the next morning, even fucking, what's that shit you gargle with when you you eat pussy the night before? Listerine.

Even Listerine can't take the pain in her mouth from the taste of cock and ass, understand me? Even after she eats to count chocular and she gets up and she leaves the house and she's feeling bad about herself. It's nine in the morning, this bitch is out there. out there, you know how I know? Because I've seen her. And I'll be driving. She's a hooker. And I know, if you don't know she's beautiful. Guys, she's fucking beautiful. She's black, beautiful face with a blonde wig. She walks around to hunger. Gelsons. I've seen her. And every time I see it, I open the window and I go,

You bad! Motherfucker! And I beat the horn and I go, power! And I take the fuck off. Before she could even walk to the car, I don't even walk to the car. I don't even don't Don't even think, don't even put your fucking black voodoo on me. I don't even let her walk to the car. She's beautiful. And the flesh is weak. I'm just a man.

You know what I'm saying? What I fuck? But I know, I let her feel good about herself. She's walking, she's feeling bad. And I stop right there on Laurel Canyon. She'll be walking strutting it. This bitch is out there strutting it. With a red rain jacket on with an umbrella.

And it's 80 degrees out. And she's black and beautiful. I swear to God. And I'll stop that you. You bad, motherfucker! And I'll take the fuck off. And she sees me and she smiles because at least one fucking guy,

who loves her for who she is. Loves her. That's right, I love her. I never gave her a dollar, but that don't mean I don't love her. I'm looking out for her. I don't want nobody choking her. She's out there giving out some fucking black pussy

for a reasonable cause. And there's people out there that can't deal with that shit and they'll try to ruin that day. I'm just trying to help her out. Hopefully in two years, she'll realize she's a special kind of motherfucker, get out of the business, and then she'll Facebook me and say, You are a bad motherfucker.

You see what I'm saying? So you got to give it. Who cares? She's a hooker. She's out there by herself. I know she ain't got a pimp because I don't see no guy chasing. I saw her with my wife one day and broke it down from my wife. The baby was in the car.

We were on by Tungle of Magnolia, by the YMCA, and she popped out from the alleyway right there. And my wife's like, look at her, and I go, what? You bad, motherfucker! And my wife's like, what are you fucking crazy? I go, I know her. She's from the neighborhood. She's all right. And my wife's loved to do that shit.

And my wife knew right away, you know. She's like, he's all right. When did you talk to? I said, I didn't. I never had a conversation with her. But I broke it down. I said, I broke a few people. She's out of here selling pussy at 901.

What the fuck? You'd be an amazing, you'd be an amazing pimp for real. I wouldn't be a pimp, I'd be a motivational. I'm not saying you want to do it. I would make a woman want to go out there and suck a dick. Right. Like we had like a sales meeting, like a 10 o'clock. I walk in there like Alex Baldwin and Glenn Garry, Glenn Ross.

Remember that shit? Like that shit. What's my name? Fuck you. That's my fucking name. Today's the day, ladies. I got a bonus. 22 cocks. Where's the alarm clock? What? Yeah?

Second prize is a knife so you can kill you. Because if you can't suck 22 fucking tics, that's something wrong with you. You understand me? My grandmother once sucked 28 dicks. She never told me I got a Christmas card and she put an extra $5 in that. But if you can't suck 22 dicks in this fucking office, Go work for some other dumb motherfucker.

Because here we gotta suck 22 dicks. It's 8 in the morning. By 12, you can suck 22 dicks and hit the bonus. Okay, Daddy. Don't call me fucking daddy, okay? I'm your bitch-sucking motivational speaker. Put it to enter the contest. If you get fucked in the ass five times,

that'll make you eligible for the trip to the Bahamas. A hundred ass fucks and pictures, by the way. We need proof or a finger. proof or a finger that smells. What's the name of your whore dealership or whatever it is? I don't fucking know. It's not a horror dealership, okay?

See, you guys appreciate it for the wrong things. They're also motivational helpers. Consultants, as you may call it, correct? How are you, brother? Everything all right? You all dizzy? Not you? I'm talking to this fucking guy right here.

What's up, brother? I didn't even fucking see you there, you bad motherfucker. What's going on with you, baby? Everything all right? I'm happy to see you, man. What's going on here? How are you, sexy? Everything all right. What's going on with you, Tarzan? You're looking at the beard shaking you. What's the matter? You're fucked up? You better not be. You got this woman over here tonight. She ain't fucking around. Look at those shoes. You get hit with those fucking dick. Those are Chelsea Handler shoes. You get hit with those motherfuckers right there.

You got a beautiful woman there. Don't fuck around. I can't have you passing out or getting dead dick. I can't have that shit tonight. drinking that dark bee. You better go to the water. Hey, you got nice Mexican hot legs. I'm sorry, I tried. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I complimented the shoes. The less was included. But in her imagination, she's thinking he means my legs this motherfucker. She knows. She knows. She knows. I'm compliment the shoe.

I know. You got to compliment the fucking woman. Even if they make bad food, just look them in the face and go, those are the best eggs I ever had in my fucking life. That's what's a real mom's teacher. your dog. You see, and you don't have to be, you know, we have this line in this country, you know, sexual harassment. If I come up to you and squeeze your tit and spit in your mouth, that's sexual harassment. But if a man walks up to you and you're a real fucking woman,

and you're walking to work, thinking to whatever mind fuck you have, to go wait on a bus or some fucking mind fuck you have, and a man takes his time out to go, look at, I just walked a half a mile behind you to tell you, you got the best fucking ass in the world. It's beautiful. And you call the cops, go fuck yourself. That's why you're single. That's why you're on the fucking bus. Because your feelings get hurt. You've never had a guy come on your forehead. You just wipe it off and go, where we go on lunch? That's the part, you understand?

So please, that's why. You got to cut the line somewhere if you're a woman. I understand. But man comes up to you and says those tities are on fire today. If you get offended, I can see you squeeze them or be sticking a finger in your pussy. or up your ass when you're walking that sexual fucking harassment right there that's disgusting I make believe I didn't like you what he's talking about no all right all right try it one time don't put the hand all the way and I have this one time in the grammar school but you don't like a finger in the ass no I don't like somebody

fingering me and looking at me I like you know like judging me and when I'm coked up I don't mind if you take your finger machine gun my ass or a chick did it to me one time. In Miami, it felt good. And you don't even put the finger up your ass. You just get your finger to be pointy and you fucking, and you machine them my asshole. And I'll tell you what the killer is, ladies, if you make the noise for me, because I'm too macho to make the noise, but you make it for me. And then we'll join in together. You make that little Spanish noise. You machine down that little asshole. Aye. And then the woman chimes in. I poppy. You like that? You like that? You like that?

And that little assholes me, after eight minutes, that's one tonnemo type shit up your asshole. You give up everything. Fuck it, mommy, give it to me. Give it to me. Fucking put that finger up my fucking hand. I've never had a whole finger up my ass, but that little massagey and all that.

I love all that shit with the finger. The tongue is disgusting because I can't believe you're eating my ass. That's just disgusting. I had a nasty bitch tell me to turn around one time, not today. That's disgusting. I scratched my ass and sniffed it. You don't want to go there. Before you commit to that, you should sniff a, suck a cop and see if you sniff the asshole. Right or wrong, why would you commit to the asshole? Did she start with eating your ass?

She wanted to. This was like 30 years ago. I was a kid. And I was scared. I was fucked. I was all faggied up then. I didn't know it. If I were known what I know now, I would have picked up my fucking leg with a rope, like a karate rope. I would have picked that motherfucker all the way up. As I would have had, I would have repped everything and had to lick my asshole, my fucking ball sack as it's opening. Like, you know when they kill a cow and they stab the inside, I would have all that come right into a mouth like that, like that.

Because I love it. Fuck it. But I was embarrassed now. I didn't want a chick suck in my ass. That's disgusting. Only I did that shit to women, you know what I'm saying? I don't want you doing shit to me. I used to lick ass like that age. I like that age. I didn't like nobody down there.

She's like, turn around. Fuck you, you nasty motherfucker. That's disgusting. At that age, I was like 24. I didn't like that shit. I wasn't going to go for that. But now, fuck, I wish somebody said, let me eat the asshole shit. I get him a knife and fork.

Fucking, cut me. I don't give a fuck. I'm one of those freaky motherfuckers. Cut me in the leg. I want my leg to have those. razor blade spots out of me. Nothing's worse than my ass. I think about my ass is the least, that's the biggest punishment for you ever

to eat my fucking ass. It's horrific. Why are you, you're doing, like, how could your ass be that bad? Is that what you're saying to me? Yeah, it's horrific. It's so horrific, like going to my ass. I don't like it. I actually...

I just know what my... Listen, I just know what's gone through my ass. I don't want nobody there. You know what's gone through my ass. I know I had fingers. You know what I had fingers. You know what I'm saying? It's disgusting. I would never want somebody to, but I like eating ass.

At first you think it's like a taboo. Like you don't think about it. But then you get deeper when you're eating pussy. And you sniff, maybe there's sniff. And you go, it's not that bad. I back. Because you always assume that somebody's ass going to smell as that as bad as yours. But not everybody's a fucking animal.

You understand. Some people take care. Now I take care of my asshole, but, you know, you can't repair the damage. Do you eat that? Over the years. Guys, you guys think this is a joke? He calls me every day, asked me what I ate,

and then he asks me to sniff my asshole. He's like, what would you do right now if a girl wants to, like, your asshole? You just eat hummus. He'll, he'll... Every day. And he'll guess what I ate.

He'd be like, you went to that Mediterranean place again, didn't you? Trying to insult me. Do you like menace? Yeah. He, oh. He hates that, too. He hates it.

You can't even bring him. whatever there's so many there's so many fucking things that I don't like I left him a voicemail that was a horrible decision I texted them four times in a row I mean I'm gonna break your fucking fingers if you text me one more time there's all kinds of food shit it's not okay I didn't know about the fucking what's your ranch yeah ranch is off the list hummus too hummus is horrible hummus more than fucking ranch how much more than ranch like I wish you answer if you fuck around ranch but if you fuck around with hummus I wish you fucking debt I hate fucking hummus it's disgusting I hate the texture of it and ranch

dressing too is fucking disgusting with wings you want to put it on your sandwich is knock yourself out that's what I took offense when people put it on their wings there's some places you go I went to Irvine and they said they had great wings and I go does it come with blue cheese and they said no I go you have blue cheese that said no I said let's go you left you have no business there why would you want to deal with these people why would it's like going to a place look at if you go to a Mexican place and the nachos blow you're going to order the entree are you that fucking stupid all of years that fucking stupid if the nachos are fucked up and the chicken looks like fucking liver and all this shit would you order

Let's stay and try the shrimp. Really? You dumb motherfuckers? You follow me? If you go to a Japanese place and the chick brings your soup with a finger in the fucking soup, you're going to order the sushi?

Do you eat sushi on a Thursday? No. The truck comes on Monday and Fridays. Why are you eating sushi on the last day on a fucking cycle? I have my reasons, people. That fucking meat that you fucking momos eat when you go

Vegas you get fucked up you get fucked up in Vegas and then you go eat that let's go get a steak for a dollar 75 with eggs Are you fucking crazy? Do you think they're giving you a real steak? Let me give you this lesson again, you fucks But thank you for coming out. The steak goes to a fucking supermarket The supermarket don't sell it. It goes back to the fucking butcher. The butcher ain't gonna lose money on it So they dip in this chemical. I forget what it's called and it makes the meat go back to pink again, and it gives it like another week and a half. They take that fucking meat, and they send it to Vegas.

That chemical that you're dipping in, it's not going to get you sick or kill you. But you know when you go to Vegas, you take that first shit, and your stomach hurts, and you're a little dizzy for a little while? That's that fucking meat chain, okay? That's called mafia meat. They do the same thing with chicken. They do the same.

When you go to pour your trope, when you go to pour your loco, what do you think? You're eating fucking chickens that die happy? Is that what you motherfuckers think? That's why they give you a chicken for $1.50. Because you're eating a happy chicken that died like he went in there and they electrocuted him happy? Fuck no. That's motherfucker getting whipped since he was a chick.

Spit on, kicked, pushed around, adopted. They sent them off to a different barn in a different fucking country and in Colombia or something out there in the rain. Eating fucking pigeon shit. Then they sell them back the fucking jack in the box. the box but you know and then we eat them for 10 cents then you wonder why your face is turning fucking purple I'm sorry people I got emotional about this shit I'm just trying to break it down for you fucking people why do you think the lettuce taste so fucked up in a McDonald's burger you think that's because it's

oh it's been out on the shelf no because it's from fucking Nicaragua that's what they did that's why and the area of those people being the kids been growing up with an extra eyeball and no hearing and fucking three legs and shit. But McDonald's pays you if we don't read that shit in the paper. I don't know this for sure, but you got to assume this shit.

You have to assume this shit. You have to assume this man ever. You got to assume that this mother be, you know, I'm serious, people. You got to think that we're getting fucked in the ass at every level. Every time you get a fucking deal, you go to a holiday and express,

and I'm just using them. I'm just throwing out a name. You go there, and every eight stays, you go, you get a a free room. Let's like that, they're going to give you a free room. Then you get home and a week later, you're scratching. And you got fucking bed bugs. There's always a fucking by the way with these cock suckers.

And they don't give a fuck. You know, and I'm not bringing you motherfuckers down. I'm just dropping some knowledge on you, motherfuckers. Because I fly all the time, and so is Tom Segura. In two years, you're going to have to pay for a bunch of add-ons to go in the extra fast security lane. In two years, your weight's going to be three hours when you fly on purpose. on purpose. There's going to be one lady

with fucking one eyeball and one arm looking at your thing. What sign are you? Three people a fucking hour. You're going to have to pay extra because they already got you on the fuel course. What they make on fuel the airlines last year? Two billion. They're fucking greedy. When you fly out now, you fly out.

Look at the poor people who are on regular lines. Look at the people who don't fly a lot. Don't have express. They sit there like fucking don'ties. In the year, it's going to be three hours to fly. those people, you have to pay extras. They're going to make another lane. In between first class and the fucking peasants.

You guarantee me. You guarantee me. I'm just dropping it on you. They're going to fuck us at every level. You know what I'm saying? I'm sorry, I'm getting you people down. I know you're missing fucking Discovery Channel shows, so I'm trying to fill you in on it.

It's 100% true. It's true. We're getting fucked at every level. You know, so please, you have to assume that these things are going to happen. And I just thought about this the other day because I see when you fly United and I think Delta they have a thousand atoms United

will sell you an express first class security pass for $60 each way so you could fly with the Puerto Ricans in the back of the plane with handcuffs on you ever get in the back of a plane one of those expedient tickets you're sitting on a milk cart with three guys playing

fucking dice with handcuffs on and shit okay that's Spirit Airlines fly Spirit You're flying the back with prisoners and shit. Do you remember when they started across the board bag fees? They started it when the oil prices went up. And then they went down and they never dropped them.

Because they're like, we make crazy money on 25 a bag. It's 40 now. I think 40. Or 40, whatever. I'm sorry. I'm a medallion. 40 a fucking bag. $40 for fucking a bag, people.

I want you to close your eyes for one minute. And think about this shit, $40 fucking dollars per bag on top of your plane ticket, on top of your cab, on top of your meals, on top of fucking Mickey Mouse, one and $20 and take a picture with them. On top of all this shit, that's 20, you've got three or four bags each way, that's $160 just in luggage to fly. You know, this is just the fucking, you know, we can't even go to a fucking lake again. We can't even fucking go to a lake game. You ever think about that $2.40 for a fucking ticket in the medium level. You know, who has $240 at the end of the fucking, you know, yeah, you're Will Smith and the kids jumping up and down, you know,

or you're a fucking Scientologist, you got, whatever the fuck. But let's face it, you know, we get fucked at every fucking level now. What's Greyhound? They'll start fucking up the ass. You know, I talk about all the time. Don't even think calling Sprint. And I love Sprint. I've been with them for 10 years.

You know why? Because I'm sick and I know I'm going to get fucked in the ass at AT&T. I'm going to get fucked in the ass at Nextel. So what you think about now is the least fucking in the ass you're going to get. Are they going to fuck me over and over again? They're just going to fuck me once, get a sandwich, and pass out. That's what you're hoping. That they fuck you one time, then they go away and they pass out.

You know, it's the people that ask you for $250 for this, $250 for fucking that. Why do you love Sprint so much? I don't know this. Because I've been with them since day one, and that's the other problem we have that were such horrors. There's loyally programs. Stay with these people. Guess what, bro? I didn't want an iPhone.

It's a pretty fucking game you one because I was with them for 10 fucking years. They just gave you one? They called me and they go, you got one for like a buck and a half. How can I lose? I don't give a fuck. I don't tax. I don't want nothing. I don't want nothing.

I don't want no fault. I don't give a fuck what you call me in. I'd rather you don't fucking call me. That's Tom Segura. I rather people don't fucking call me. No, he does not like... If I need you, I'll fucking call you. And answer the fucking phone when I call you.

Don't call me back an hour later. I got like three people who always call me and I finally told me. I call you immediately. When you think of calling me, take an hour. No, no, no. There's three or four people in my rotation. Yeah, I got you. So when you call them, they don't answer.

Then they call you as you're about to wipe your ass. As you're carrying groceries up, as I'm chating my daughter's diaper. And I know who they are. I know who they are as the phone's ringing. I take a guess. Three people. It's the same. Rick Rainmills is one of them. That motherfucker, I waited for his call.

I left the car. I got in my wife's car. Start it up. I can't get the fucking blue speaker. Bluetooth. The Bluetooth. You know, I'm doing 90. Blue speaker. Whatever the fuck of this. I'm doing 90 on Magnolia. Then he wants to call me back. What do you need?

Fuck you now, motherfucker. Now I don't need you for dick. I caught you 20 fucking minutes ago. I forgot what I fucking called you for. That was 18, my fucking. Five fucks ago. Try me again tomorrow. What's up, Rick? Get your shit together. Fucking Rick.

That's right, Rick. Get your shit together. Yeah. What's up, brother? Everything all right? Huh? Is it hitting you? You're staying black over there? Why?

Both of the pun were mad at you for the gummy. Is it strong enough? Yeah, it's strong enough. When Ari did this and he gave us both a whole one, oh my God. That was the worst. I drove from here to Santa Monica and I had a three pump system and it took me a like two hours to get there. You had a what?

You had a what? With the gas pedal. I would do three pumps. Three pumps? What the fuck are you talking about? I was driving from here to Santa Monica on a whole gummy bear. And I just was doing, I figured out of my head if I did the gas pedal for three times, I'd say it like four or five.

Wait a minute. Do you drive a fucking model team from 1912? It felt like it when I was on the fucking whole gummy bear. Three pumps. Today we called them. We were 10 minutes away. We called him and took him 35 minutes to get there. And my wife goes, where is he? I go, listen, it's Lee Syatt. He's doing 30 in the right-hand lane behind 80 fucking people and a guy on a bike.

There's some people. You call me at noon on a Saturday. There's 8 miles of traffic in the valley. But there's wait for boy fucking Magnolia, okay? You're fucking fucking burble. Fucking Joey's, like, recollection of any sort of any sort of, cities, streets is unbelievable. Like, whether you live there or visit, like,

when I was in New York a few weeks ago, you call you like, where are you? Hey, go. Hey, I'm in New York. You're going to Jersey? I'm like, yeah, we're on the way to the bridge right now. You're going to cross the bridge. You're going to see a fucking donut shop on the right. I was like, there I go, all right.

And then you're going to see a bridge. Are you there? I'm like, no, we're in fucking traffic. It's not like real time flying. Like, we're not like, then you're going to see you fucking. you're gonna see the York Hotel on the right. And I go, okay, he goes, that's where the ice man used to cut people up, put it in the basement. And I'm like,

and I go, okay, next to that is an elementary school. And I go, okay, and he goes, that's where I went to school. And I go, all right, he's like, just keep an eye out for it. Stay black brother. Hungs up, I know, good father. You would think so.

The scariest moment in my life, we shot a documentary three years ago, And he was giving me banana bread the entire time. We had like a six in the morning flight because it's Joey Diaz. So at four in the morning, he gave me banana bread. We got in the car, he was doing 90 to JFK. But apparently he forgot, you forgot how to get there. So you had me with a real map high as fuck, yelling at me.

Because we miss it like four times. We would stop at a toll booth. He'd be like, you'd take the next exit. So I don't even miss it. He's yelling at me. Fuck. I'm young at him because he's doing that. He's laughing. I'm like Lee!

Lee! Where's the exit? I'm like, I swear the guy you don't stop laughing. I'm a pro you have the car. I had to go into this fucking bodega in Harlem with bulletproof glass and shit. Oh my God, I'm like, where's Canada airport? The guy's like, I don't know. What the fuck?

I'm like, what the fuck? And some cab drive, I get my five bucks. He's like, make a U-turn, get on that street. And we got lost again. Lee, where's the map? You can't give me banana, Brandon. He was dying. He was dying. He thought it was so. He didn't sleep

the whole fucking night. I left him with two egg rolls and pork fried fucking rice all night. Oh, that's another one. So we were in the Chinese place. He met a friend, and apparently is my job to watch your bag, which I didn't know. So we went outside with a friend he hasn't seen. They closed the Chinese place.

We'll get back to your friends house. He's like, Lee, where's my bag? I'm like, I don't know what your bag is. We get back to to the Chinese place. You're bringing on the back door. You're trying to break into the Chinese police to get your bag. You were so, man, I forgot about that. You forgot your bag. You looked at me like half an hour later.

You're like, where's my bag? Where's the fucking bag? What's a three-pump system for driving? Oh, please. Oh, please. This is... You do... Wait, wait.

I'm at a car. Who told you about this? No one. I got high on the fucking whole edible. I have an automatic car. I figured if I did... I like the accelerate. You specify that it's automatic.

Like it fucking stands out from the rest of us. All right, fine. So you get in your car. Accelerate. I lift my foot up. Accelerate. Lift my foot up. Oh, my God.

You're an asshole fucking driver. There was no one on the road. It's midnight in Pasadena. So you give people nausea when they're in the, in your car with you? When I'm on a full edible, yes. When I'm on a full one at the double you wish I. So sober, do you drive like this? No.

So just high. Just when I have a fucking, how many milligrams of T. And you're 200? You fucking... Oh, no, no, no, no. When he drives in the daytime, he keeps his... Forget the three-point system. He does the one-point system,

and he gets in the right-hand lane. And if there's a bus, he's behind him. If there's a bicycle or an old lady doing ten, he's behind us. But you're cutting them off. If there's a... You got to cut them off. Fuck that bitch. I don't give a fuck.

I got shit to do with people to see. You want you to roll down his... Fuck grandma. You ever see those bitches, they're blind. You won't even walk them off. down your window, you'll beep twice and go vote for me, gawk sucker. Yeah. And you just go.

For me? Vote for me. We won't even be driving here like to come take a ride. I'll get in, I'll get in, and go beep beep, beep. Like everybody, the cleaning people, fucking random girls, you know, like make fun of their outfit. If she's wearing a hood and sweatshirt, be like, what the fuck is she doing wearing a hood and sweatshirt? Beep, beep, and zoom off. What even see?

What do you see? What do you, see? How you feel, Lee? I torment people who stand online. Out of texting me, calling me, you want to really piss me off? Let me catch you standing on a fucking line someone. What's that a place in Hollywood for eggs that you hate? The griddle.

I don't know, ask him, he hates a place. I hate the fucking place. Which place? The food is delicious, but I want to break it down for you. I'm a square root type of motherfucker. They're fucking eggs. It's a breakfast place. It's two fucking eggs.

Why are you standing online? And here's the beauty of it. It's the griddle. And if you cross Fairfax, there's a breakfast place and the bagel fucking place and one of those, not gelson's, but whole foods. But they're still

fucking a bunch of momos with their acting size. Yes, always actors out there, yes. You know, drinking water. Oh my God, I'm so healthy. And they stand online. I see you standing on line. This ain't fucking Russia dog we have freedom here but it's not like you stand out and line for a

fucking blow job or the worst one the worst one is pinks you are fucking ass I beat that them two days ago you're yesterday Friday I beat the those there was like ten of them bam bam they all turned around I gave him the finger and I kept fucking driving I give people a finger all the time they're standing all the fucking subpar hot dog in America it's the worst hot dog in America there's the line of fucking 80 people because it's the worst hot dog you will ever eat in your life I went there and could not believe the bun was fucking yellow the fucking chili look like like like please asshole yeah it looked like it looked like it was just this guy everything I

threw it away how people stand that uh there's one of the place where people stand If not Philippe's, that's a good fucking place. Starbucks? Huh? Those fucking idiots. There's just a bunch of places that you see now, and you're like, if I was in a machine gun a place, that's the place I was a fucking machine gun right there.

I would want a machine gun more than anybody waiting in line for food in LA, like any place, really, but around this city, the only place more than a food place is when you drive, like on a Thursday or Friday or Saturday, night through Hollywood and you see assholes waiting in line for a fucking, like a club, like a nightclub. That is

throw a grenade into the line. Absolutely. They're the worst people in humanity. They're the absolute worst. But see, Lee explained it to me. Somebody else explained to me. That's part of the whole thing. You go to that?

No, no, no, no, no. We were talking one day. We were talking one day and he explained to me He explained to me when somebody from Iowa comes out. Right. Okay, they're not putting down Iowa. I'm just saying they come out for a weekend. They ask their friends, what's the hip club? Their friends says, you've got to go to whatever, the space camp.

Levity. Right. And they go there and stand there for eight hours. Nothing happens. You go there, you stand, you pay money, and then you go home. You can't talk because the music's too fucking loud. Everybody's 10 years younger than you. They're all on some drug.

You know, for me to go to little places I have to be fucked up, like Kwaylude, A ball in my pocket, you know, fucked up. Good friends with me to watch my back, open bar, like that shit, I would wait online for eight minutes. But I know, I don't know why. The food thing really gets in my fucking, and it just makes me that place on Magnolia or for Lancashim called Bird or Eat for years. years I saw the line there and I went in there to eat one day and it was fucking atrocious. It was fucking atrocious. It's for people to be different. Why would you go to Denny's?

I go to this place called Eat. Oh my God, it's fabulous. The spinach omelet has no gluten in it and they put a peanut in it and they killed the kid. Who gives a fuck? The fuck is wrong with you. Did you ever go to Joe Peep's in Manolia? What? Joe Peeps on Magnolia?

Oh, I just talked to you by this. That is the worst pizza. It's a crazy. It's a fucking suitcase. It's a pizza that is the size of like a fucking, like a super swamper. It's a fucking 65 inch tire. And they throw like entire hams on it. Like they don't even slice them.

There's just full fucking birds on it. It's the most enormous fucking thing you've ever seen. And they're like, that's just a pizza. That's a regular pizza. It tastes it so bad. I went in there because Acupuncture was up the corner and I used to go to karate and sometimes I would eat

Kung Fu and I wouldn't eat. So they had a pastrami place and I one day I go, let me go with a slice of pizza. It's eight way watching points. It really is. Eight points. So I go in there, I get the pizza to give me a slice. I looked at it before it hit. When it hit, the grease in the bottom jumped up which fucked me up a little bit.

And I'm not scared of a little grease. You tip that motherfucker over, you know what I'm saying? The cheese. was not good. You can see that, you know, what they have is like it's pre-made. I went somewhere, I went to meet Ari, and I went to a place

called Rockos on Will's shitty other day. I had to throw both fucking slices away. Really? Yeah, throw them both away. They folded like a piece of fucking wonderbread. You know, and it's like, if you don't, have you never ate pizza, don't fucking cook it.

Are you with me? What are you a fan? Do you like, do you like old, like New York style? Do you like thin? Do you like thick? What do you like? I want to taste good. I don't give a fuck about nothing.

I'm just fucking. I want that. All I want is a slice. Listen to me. Listen to how simple I am. This is why if you're that bad, I can't do business with you. If you can't give me a cheese slice, that's what a relationship ends. I go to these places, first of all, it's a slice.

You know why it's in New York? You know what the difference is there are slices and a New York slice? Let me tell you, you motherfuckers. Between a slice and a New York slice. A New York slice, a motherfucker comes up to him and says, what are you having? And you go a snap on two slices. The motherfucker turns around, opens the freezer, gives you the fucking snap on himself.

He takes the slice. He opens it up, throws in the oven. He comes back without the fucking glove on. Who gives a fuck about the glove? He tastes your five. And if you tell him, extra crispy, take it right out, whatever. He gives it to you, and then he turns around himself, and he takes it and he gives it to you. That's a New York slice.

That means I'm on a fucking move, motherfucker. I love living here, but this is what it's become here. Hi, how are you? I need two slices and a soda. Okay. Maria, give me a soda. Pepe, give me two slices. Now, Pepe is watching Telemundo.

He fucking walks over. You know, they couldn't even tell Pepe the two slices. I got to write it and put in a thing. Pepe comes over and looks at it. He looks through the slices. He sees your cheeses. He puts them in, he clothes them, and he goes back to watch and tell him on.

And that's another fucking six minutes. And he takes that slice out, and he puts it in a window, and they bang a thing, and the waitress brings you the fucking slice. That's a slice. That means I got two hours. I don't have two fucking hours.

That's why I'm eating a fucking slice. If I had two hours, would I be eating a piece of shit slice? No! I'd be at a restaurant like a white person, scratching my nuts, with glasses on. Ordering a glass of Chardot, whatever the fuck wine it is. And fucking ordering duck on a rouge or whatever. But I'm gonna fucking move.

I just smoke the joint. I'm going to a meeting. I need to focus. I need something fucking quick, cuck, sucker. I don't want to go to the subway. Can you hook me up with a fucking slice? It takes two fucking minutes. But you've taken this process and you've turned it into 20.

Turned it into 29 fucking minutes. And the waitress got to bring me two slices. Stop eating fucking pizza. Then I go to the mall up here, the Sherman Oat Gallery. Rockos is up there, whatever the fuck it is, Luz, whatever. I go up there because they got an amusement park. You take the baby, you drop her off, you shoot up, you get two slices. And I get two slices for my wife.

Same thing. How many fucking times I tell the girl, fucking don't burn the fucking slice, bitch? What a thing she does? She puts her, then she starts a conversation. So what he's doing tonight? Oh my god. I went to see this band. The guy had a tattoo on his eyeball and When he would blink the fucking symbols would bang whatever Take the fucking spice out you dumb motherfucker. I even give you three hours in front of you here And you still fuck so I don't have time for that shit because she's never been on a move

We went we went to Denny's and you got a milkshake light. What does that mean? I mean that I mean Sin, sin, sin, sin. Sin. Why would I want a ball? I know, me too. This is fun. This is fucking. This ain't fucking fun.

I want to drink the fucking thing tonight. Tonight, not tomorrow. I gotta take it home, wait for it to fucking milk and drink in the morning. If I want a thick shake, I go to fucking, uh, whatever the fuck, the burger joint. Or the fucking Wendy's. No, the other fucking place. In and out, that's the fuck, right or wrong. I want a chocolate shake thin.

That means a little bit of fucking ice cream, a lot of milk and fucking Hershey syrup with whipped cream on the top. That's what thin is. If you can't fucking figure that, again, how am I going to order the fucking pot roast? Do you understand me? If you fucked up my milkshake,

why are we talking about pot roast and vegetables and shit? You fucked up my milkshake and she brought it thick, right along. Both times, yeah. Both time. They don't fucking comprehend. You have a system. You had a second cup. You put some out. You were doing the spinny story thing.

Yeah, that's what I want to do. I want to spin fucking milk on there for five hours. I'm a fat fuck. I want to eat today. I don't take nothing to go. I ain't got time for to go. There's no to go in my fucking world. My wife likes that. She goes to Starbucks. She brings the half a cup of coffee in the car. Why are you bringing that shit in the car? You didn't drink it? Throw that motherfucker out. I don't want no coffee in the car. I hit a turn. Now I got cold coffee on my fucking leg. I gotta drive around with cold stinky fucking coffee on my leg. Get that fucking container out of here.

Where there's no... I don't give a fuck. Draw it in a fucking parking spot. I don't give a fuck. Give it back to the Starbucks man. Don't leave it in my fucking car. Then you leave it in here and the coffee seeps out and it gets on my fucking quarters and now I got fucking coffee on my fucking quarters now.

I don't like salt in my fucking car. I don't like eating in my hotel room. You know, they give you this hotel room where they put the back of it. give you this hotel room where they put the back room by the fucking door. So I take one of those animal shits the whole fucking room stinks. I don't want room service there and the room service the chicken and the fucking ass mixed. Did you guys know that it's completely against to go drinks? Like, do you understand?

You can't bring a dog to go? It's fucking morons that carry this shit around. When I'm thirsty, I'll get another bottle of water. But you're gonna walk around all afternoon with the fucking... But they can't... They can't get in your... Drink the fucking thing, all right? They can't get in your car with a bottle of water?

I don't want no, no. That's so crazy. I don't want nothing in my fucking car. I don't give a fuck. Don't even think I eat in my car. I don't want nothing in my car. Nothing. Maybe water. Maybe water. You're decent. I've always wondered why you do that. Like every time we go to like 7-Eleven, we'll stand and hang out by, like, the coolers and we'll just stop. Like, we never get in the car and go home. You just learn right?

Now? Well, I just thought he wanted to hang out for a second. I didn't realize he didn't allow food in his car. You're finishing your food. I don't want no food in my car because people get stupid and they go home and now you got a sticky fucking quarters. I don't like sticky fucking pennies. When I go to Ralph and I put them in the fucking bucket and they're all sticky and if I got 1921 with the Indian head, I don't get my thousand dollars. By the way, that's the fucking, I was thinking that that is the most depressing question And if you go to an in and out, I didn't even, I hadn't been a while, and I went to it.

And they go, are you eating in the car tonight? And you're like, I guess. And they're like, yeah. It's like a sad moment that you share with them. And they're like, we have a specific box for sad people. And they hand you the box. It's the saddest fucking moment. You're like, yeah, I am eating in the car tonight.

And they're like, we're the only place that thinks about how sad people are when they come through here. So we have this box for you. You're like, all right, thanks. I'll eat in my car. But I guess you don't do that for sure. When I was a kid and I came from Cuba, the little fucking dirty Irish kids I hung out with

used to bombard the Hasidic Jews. And what they would do is you got an egg and you put a needle hole in it and you put under your bed for like 10 days. And you crack that egg and you have no idea the odor of that egg lets out. It is harmful to your help. You want to fuck with somebody in your building?

Take an egg, put a fucking needle in it, leave it in your closet where it's not going to break for two fucking weeks and then walk in front of the motherfucker's door and throw it on his little fucking welcome mat and take off oh my God it smells horrible

and what's your nickname for Hasidic Jews my favorite? Stinkies do you know what's worse than that? Leave a McDonald's leave a fucking onion ring under your seat for three days in your car and the sun and go in that motherfucker three days later and see why Joey doesn't allow food this fucking car.

Then you'll say, and then you remember, who left an onion ring in my car? Watch how angry you call that motherfucker. Did you look, do you drop onion rings the other day? No, I didn't. It wasn't me. Motherfucker, who the fuck was it? After you left, the onion ring man came

and put an onion ring under my fucking sick. You get fucking pissed. It's like taking somebody drunk out and they puke in your car. That's the first time in your life. Look at it. You all want to kill that person. a minute, you're looking at them as the bleh, and you're pushing them out. You don't give a fuck. You don't give a fuck. You're like, puke outside the car. And you're like, bluh, blah, blah. And you don't know,

you just either got it washed, or it's brand-fucking new, or your grandmother lent you the car for the night. And this motherfucker is puking in the front seat on the valour, and you want to take them by the head and something controls you like before you kill him. You're like, this is a nice show tonight. Don't you think it's a very... It's a very, it's a very, it's a very warm show. And it started out warm with your legs. Your legs set the fucking night off. So thank you for coming.

And thank you for wearing a skirt tonight and showing those fucking tremendous tremendous. You enjoy getting guys in head scissors and squeezing their fucking head like a fucking pistachio so they're looking at you. So they're looking at you like that fucking guy in casino when they put his head in the vise.

And his eyeball was sticking out. And he gives up the name. And he's looking at your fucking monkey, but he's thinking about the pain. He won't tap out. Fuck it, I'll take this. That's it, people. We fucking did a new year. We managed.

We got a new year. We did Valentine's that bullshit. We did Washington's birthday. We did Lincoln. That's cock sucker. Now. We got a... We got St. Paddies, and then we got Spring is here already.

And you know what, man, fuck these motherfuckers. In California, we've had spring here since, you know, it really is really beautiful living here. That's why I get up every morning, and the first thing, after I smoke pot or vapor or whatever, I say it's a beautiful day to be alive. It's the most important thing. You know, you put on Good Morning American, you see those saps. Fucking. Sitting in a fucking airport, a pushing show.

You ever sit there in the morning? You're in your robe, drinking coffee. You're looking outside of the sunshine in California, and all of a sudden they show you in New York. And you see those fucking idiots pushing the car, pushing the car and shoveling, and you feel fucking smart for those five minutes. Like I did good.

Fuck those motherfuckers. I may not have a job, but I ain't shoveling snow. You know what I'm saying? I may not have a job. But think about that. So please, always keep that in mind. Yeah, we're waiting for an earthquake. Who gives a fuck?

When it happens, you can smell its earthquake weather. You can smell earthquake weather. It gets hot, it gets hot and misty and shit like that. But who gives a fuck? I'd rather take one day earthquakes and, you know, getting chased with people with rocks or whatever the fuck's going to happen. Then the fucking winter, the East Coast went through this winter. So we're very lucky, man.

And that's why it's a beautiful fucking day. Don't have it. We think those people who weren't in New York when I had bikinis? Oh, it's 40 degrees, fuck you. But you're surrounded by 59 feet of snow, so you're living in an igloo, bitch. New York City's a big fucking igloo, so... Anything you want to add tonight, Lisa, I am? No, I'm fine.

Every podcast, I beg him not to eat edibles. I beg him. I tell every guest, he's going to give you one offstage, he's going to give one onstage. Don't do the one offstage. And every week, he makes me feel like I'm insulting him. Like I'm hurting his feelings by not having an edible. And every month I do it. Lee, you are the fucking hidden gem here.

I need you loose. If not you're all tight. You're lucky. You're lucky tonight I canceled things because tonight was your Dune Night. You're lucky. You're lucky. You're lucky. You're lucky.

You're lucky. You're lucky. You work hard today, the whole thing. Leg girl. Would any girl you know. You know she has a fucking name, Lee. All right. Would any girl you know ever fart in a guy's face?

No, exactly. You've been torturing me for two years. No, girl, every week he has a girl from a different state and a different website for like $400, he's going to fly in. And, like, the worst was when he said he was going to tape her asshole shut so she couldn't poop for, like, four days. You're into fart fetish? No, I'm very not.

I mean, but he says he's going to have a girlfriend on my face. He's going to have a girl fart in your face. No, he's not. It was King Astro. You don't understand. I wanted to do it. I wanted to be perfect. I want it to be perfect people.

I don't want my sponsors to get mad. EscapePod.com. Dollar Shave Club. Hulu Plus. On it. Nature box. Naturebox. And nailed it life.

com. I don't want nobody to get pissed. but, you know, Lee, listen, I go to, I do a bunch of things to overcome my fears. They go to acupuncture to overcome my fear of needles. I go to fucking Jiu-Jitsu to make a breathe better with sleep apnea. I do all these things to overcome my fear. And Lee doesn't like the smell of the look of assholes. It makes them nervous.

And I never have to get that far in his face. He's a sweetheart of a guy, you know. No one's ever going to do it. No one would ever do it. Please, I want them to commit. right, legs, leg. You know, there's a price for everything in life, you know what I'm saying?

Sometimes you go to a woman and go, hey, I need for you do me a favor, can you part in my face? I should say not right now, but I'll say, hey, maybe 450. Give me 10 minutes, you know what I'm saying? Let me whip one up. Maybe I've got a liver in the back, too. Will you arrange for this for real to happen on the podcast? I want, Lee doesn't understand that the Kardashians,

I want Lee to look at it. This is the best. He's going to tell me I'm going to make $10 million but do pay-per-view. You guys, you have no... I hang out with the only Jews

that never think like Jews. They've become Gentiles over the years. I grew up with Jews that would kill you on the spot for a stamp collection that they look at you. But if you let them kill,

then they'll kill you. These Jews are treacheries. If you're a Jew, you've got to be I'm treacherous. Fuck this faggy shit. I want Jews that are hard-hitting motherfuckers. You understand me? They burn houses. They kill cats. I don't want to know about it. I don't know. If I hang out with a Jew, it's because they're fucking ruthless.

Fuck rocks. They're shooting motherfuckers or bazookers. Fuck these little Jews being. If I was a Jew, do you think I'd fucking be nice? You think I'd fucking be nice? If I was a Jew, I'd have a yarmulke with a swat sticker in that motherfucker. Okay? Okay? With a shirt that said,

suck my dick, I'm Jewish, bitch. I would sue everybody. Do you understand me? I'd be fucking a gazillion. I'd own Pasadena. All these streets are broken. Any street that had a crack in the fucking sidewalk,

I would fall in that motherfucker. And I would commit, I'd break an ear, I'd commit stitches. In my day, every stitch was like 20,000. Did you know that? No. A finger was like 80,000?

Fuck yeah. When you went to a good Jew attorney, He'd tell you, what'd you break? A leg? Let me see you like you get you. Did you get stitches that they carry you in there? Did you pass out? I'll get you like 80,000.

That's a good Jew right there. That's a fucking real Jew. What happened? If I've learned one thing, it's what do you have to say? The first thing you say when he fall is, did I pass out? Did I pass out? He tells me like every other week. If you guys ever fall, listen, you ever broke?

Don't fuck around. Don't rob. That's the fucking that. You got to fucking rob with your mind. You go to Rouse. You spend some money first. Listen to me. You spend money first.

Don't be a fucking Puerto Rican not do this the right way. You got to cover your ass. Uncle, nobody tells you this at these comedy shows. They thought, ha ha ha ha ha, ha, ha, I'm a teacher. Nobody teaches you. How to commit fraud normally at shows. It's not fraud. It's a living for some people.

And you have to sometimes take advantage. It's right in front of it. Rouse, they got stores everywhere. There's two ways we could do it. We could go in the house as construction people and say, how are you doing? We came from the office. We're here to construct another lane. And they don't know about the lane.

It's our lane. You know what I'm saying? There's always a sale on that lane. Like 10% that's old school. Or you're going around, you spend $20,000, lots of town, whatever fucking, you're fucking, you're going to pay, you're very, can I get bonus points? Oh my God.

I'll be able to be able to be able to do. to go to shell and save 10 cents per gallon. You go to your car, and you pop your car, you run in, run in. This is the key to thing. Running, because the cameras will see you. I'll have an apple sauce. Okay?

Nobody tells you this shit. This is your Uncle Joey, because I care about you. Let's say you don't do it. At least you could pass this on at Thanksgiving some of you. You're your family, somebody's broke, they're desperate, that they're going to kill somebody. Fuck no. Go to Rouse.

Let me tell you how they do it. They're running. They go to apples sauce. They knock an apple sauce down. You've knocked down the rouse brand, but you go for the, what's the good one? The good motherfucker. Mots. Mots, that's the shit.

To mix with raspberry now, they mix that motherfucker with cranberry, late night with a law and order when you got cotton mouth. Bang! But on the way back with the mots, you slip on the fucking apple sauce right there. Understand me? Sorry about that. You slip on the apple sauce, make sure you bang your head on your hand. And somebody will run up to you and they'll wake up. Are you okay?

Don't tap. Commit. Every second, it's $10,000. I'll get you $10,000. Just give me a week. I've got to dig the attorney up. He's in Jersey. Every second, you're out.

Oh, God, I need help. 9-1-1. You're on the clock, bitch. You just punched in right there. Well, Joey's going to make you some cash quick. Let them come in. Wee. Let them pick you up.

This is all on camera. You're getting... paid, bitch, you sag now. You'll never be an extra again. You sag. Man. Dan, when the fucking stretch you, that's when...

What are you doing, Jim? Ugh! Oh! Did I pass out? $25,000 a word. That's 100 Gs. I'm looking for five points. Just hit me on Facebook.

Joey, I made $100,000. I'm going to give you $5,000. Right there's $100,000. Did I pass out? Okay? You're on the clock. And do it right. And the way out of work, you're going to tell them I'll be here tomorrow. Don't be a fucking idiot.

Take vacation. And they find out that you fuck me up. You understand me? Now you go to the hospital. You beg that motherfucker. Every day in the hospital, that's fucking 10 G's in your fuck. And when you're in the hospital, you ain't coming through, you ain't coming back until like eight or nine days.

You don't even, every time they come in, you tell me you're a Vietnam vet. I'm George Washington. I'm Lincoln. I'm fucking Abraham Lincoln. You tell him. Castro, you march. Then you just go back to bed. Just get out marching and go back to bed.

Every day I'm making you money. I'm compounding your interest daily. Fuck your fucking IRA. Fucker. Nobody could steal this from you. After nine days, you come too. Oh, my God, what happened? And your wife comes in, who are you?

Who are you? That's another fan. That's more pay. You don't know nothing. I don't know nothing. I don't know nothing. No, no sabo. No sabo.

You know some meal. I'm not going to my child. 12, 14 days you're holding out like a soldier. That's fine. They're feeding you. You're taking bad. You're shitting, you're pissing. You're okay.

You got a couple of boobs in your ear. They're looking into your eyeballs. Who gets a fuck? You put up with that shit. I'm making you money. I'm getting you paid. A couple blood tests. You know what I'm saying?

Then you snap out of it. You come. Oh my God, I'm Tom Segura. Then you call me Uncle Joy. I'm in the hospital for three weeks. I don't know what to do and then we'll get to the attorney. Don't say nothing until he comes seizure. We'll have a yarmica. Fucking dirty fingernails. Like he just dug up a body. That's the guy you want. It's like having a skinny chef. I don't want no skinny chef. Fuck that little fuck that x-ray motherfucker. I want a fat fucking chef. You know what I'm saying?

800 pounds making me fucking heck how are you guys doing that are any questions you guys want to lay on that's me you guys want to learn how to burn a building

I know how to do all that shit I didn't learn this from white people or black people or Puerto Ricans I learned this from Jewish people how to burn a building effectively even the fire department has stumbled

they stumbled huh yeah yeah I know right the combine's coming up is that wine getting ready yeah that's wine

I thought that was fucking Crembride no no it's one No, that's fine. Speaking of the combines, right, the gay player? Yeah. It's always fucking hypocritical. They're going to fucking, this kid's going to get hurt in the first preseason game.

Why? They're going to send some fucking gorilla on every steroid. They got to just pump. They already call them ready. Come here. We got a little training camp here. You made the team. Really?

Yeah. I'm going to put you in the hill. And every day some white dude with needles. And they come up there and shoot. All you got to do is keep lifting weights. just get bigger and bigger and angry you understand me you fucking cock sucker

you're just going to shoot you away when to kill your fucking family and then you just tell them like on the second day you get them out there you put them in a cage don't feed them

just keep shooting steroids protein shakes some fucking fruit from rouse just pissed off fucked up apples and bananas that pisses a motherfucker off

and just let them out of there like game day, like preseason game, and go, you're on the fucking red team, you know what? You see that guy, he's fucking gay. What? Man, what the fuck you're talking? I'm telling you, that fucking guy right there

he's fucking gay. He's trying to attack him. We want you to fire out on that motherfucker and don't stop till you hear. That's just going to happen. You think they're going to fucking lay his ass out? Well, they got options. going to do that. The dog right now,

people are at home biting in there. And I'll tell you who, it's going to, listen, man, I've met every nationality, and every nationality has whatever against them. But these are black old school football players that have grown up in a black old school home with the Baptist. And a lot of people are exposed to that, a lot of

people aren't, and a lot of people are going to accept that or not. A lot of people don't want, you know, it's great for the sport. What happened to the basketball player that fucking came out? Where is he playing? Where's he playing? He was almost going to sign with the nets, but the Yeah, almost. Right, yeah, good, right, yeah.

Then they had a meeting, and they're like, are you fucking crazy? Are you fucking crazy? We didn't have nothing against gay people, but they can't work on a locker room. It's going to work for three or four weeks, then there's going to be fucking pandemonium, cameras, questions, going to throw the team off, and then somebody's going to go fucking bananas. And the easiest way you can't cut them, and football, you can't cut them. So what's the best way to get rid of them? I heard them, give them a fucking Brian Bosworth.

They had a $6 million insurance policy on Bosworth. You, bro, I played in the fucking movie with him. I got the whole story. I got the whole movie to just go jacuzzi with Reefer. You know Uncle Joey, I got the facts from the horse. Why fuck around? Fuck ABC eyewitness news. They know nothing.

You know, it was amazing. They just played a trick on him. They knew he had a bad shoulder, Brian Bosler. He had a bad shoulder from the beginning. They got a Lloyd's of London insurance on him for like $10 million dollars of Seattle fucking Ceywalk. They paid the doctor. They knew the second year.

You know, they would find. You know, he never got a check for a weekly game while he was just being home. What? You know why? Because every week he got flying for having his shirt outside his pants. And they find him his fucking, they tried to do everything to get rid of that boy. They took his house, his divorce. He moved back to Hawaii.

He had to go to therapy for five fucking years. He told me a story when they worked on his shoulders. They ran out of whatever to keep him under. And he woke up. shoulder was next to him on the table. Only the nerve they had pushed them away. This is how fucked up his shoulders were.

But the only people who made money off Bosworth were the Seattle Man, Seahawks. So I might get in trouble for saying this story, but fuck it. That's what you get when you come out to the church of what's happening now. Behind the scenes, information and shit. They fucked the guy out, man. A lot of people don't know

that shit. Everybody knew knew he had bad shoulders. Everybody knew. But before he came here, he was. He already had a three-picture deal. Remember he made the movie about the fucking bikers? He had a three-picture fucking deal, Brian Boggart. He was a millionaire. The day he signed that contract.

Warner Brothers already gave an envelope. He had sneakers. Remember, he had the shirts. That fucking Bo Jackson knocked him out in the fucking thing and ran right through him on Monday Night Football, and that was the end. That was a rap after that shit. That was a rap after that shoot. Yeah, Bo Jackson fucked him out.

We cover everything here. Assholes fucking chicks with fucked up livers. Brian Bosworth, Black Spit, there ain't a rock. We don't leave unturned here at the church of what's fucking happening now. You understand me? How similar do you think this was to what Chelsea Hamler had to say, what happened? How similar do you think this was to what Chelsea Hamlet's?

Listen, man, Chelsea Hamlet sold out four fucking shows. She's starting her North American tour, and I want to wish her luck. She said, you know, what are you going to do? I mean, I remember us all at the comedy store 15 years ago. struggling so I wish you're all luck in the world I'm happy you people came here tonight you know what I'm saying got a bunch of options so it's not like you live in fucking ohio and the fucking freezing weather right now you know fuckers are out so what's the matter I say so did they show my AC up or am I really high I'm really cold

you're really cold yeah you hear the trains coming I actually got paranoid that you think I was I meant that but I am really cold is no one else cool no I'm not Maybe you are cold. I'm cold. I'm cold. I'm cold. I'm fucking freezing. I might be really fucking cold. You're getting sleepy. What? Everything all right, guys. So we're okay for tonight, guys?

We got a good night tonight, man. I don't know when we're going to do a next one. I'm busy the next couple months, but I want to thank Tom to go. Tom, so good time. What's going on in your life? What's happened? Give me a couple minutes. CDs, DVD, concerts. I got a special coming out March 15th on Netflix.

It's a one hour special. Yeah. So check it out, if you don't mind. We're doing our live podcast, your mom's house in a bunch of cities. We're doing New York, Columbus, San Francisco, and then we'll do Comedy and Magic Club in March. So those are all coming up.

And, yeah, just a bunch of tour dates. So if I can come see me where we live. Lee, what's happening with you, baby? Lee's going. We moved into a new office. Just listen to all the other podcasts that do you wanted to. How many do you do? Five or six now.

What? Are you serious? Yeah. So we start watching this with Rick Ramos, if you like movies. So I'm really high. This is how big of a nerd I am with Jerry Rocha. I do Scott Wolf with Sarah Colonna.

Look at you, man. That's fucking amazing. Josh Wolf. Yeah, what I say. Scott. Scott. Josh Wolf with Sarah Colonna. Off the rails.

And then Steve Simone has started willing good time. That's great. But honestly. What's Steve Simone? Is that dude so funny? It's just funny childhood stories. It's great. He's hilarious.

I don't record the actual podcast with him. I should do the intro and outro. That dude's so funny. I saw you when you went to American Comedy Company with Kyle Canane. Yeah. And your pod, like, there's a lot of podcasts out there. I listen to yours. Like, when it, as soon, it's the only one I listen to you right when it comes out.

Right when it comes out. You're really. I'm fucking. Oh, thanks, man. He told me, he told me you were sick last. If you went on a call cigarette, he's got food poisoning. Well, thanks for listening. Where did you get the food poisoning?

Jamba juice. What do you think it's fucking is? What I think it is? There's only a couple options. I had a fruit and veggie. There's a mix. Juice. So you could be dirty fruit.

You could be dirty veggies. Or he didn't, he, like, shit in his hand and made it. Those are the options. Really? It was about three and a half. Hours, three and a half hours afterwards. It was the last thing I ate. I had the juice at like 3 to 3.30, like 7.30, 8 o'clock.

I was like, ah, I think I got to fart. And I walk into my kitchen, and I just turn around and projectile vomit into the sink. And then I just, like, puke intensely, like really hard. Like, where you go, there's nothing left to me. And it keeps fucking coming. Then I shit, like a crazy disqualmie. disgusting, like a fucking, like a refugee shit, like a fucking bad. Then I laid down, I laid down like,

thinking like now, like I feel better. It's going to be better now. Fucking 45 minutes later, the second bout of just crazy intense vomiting, then shitting more. And it's, you know, I feel, I don't know, I think I lost like six, seven pounds. So that was Tuesday. Wednesday I was down for the count Thursday was better

and then you know yesterday I felt almost there and today I feel almost like 100%. The point of the story Jamba Juice was why the fuck do I look so hard for fruit and we go to Jamba Juice give them $10 for a fucking smoothie and it's

frozen fucking fruit. You ever hear when they throw the banana in the blenders almost breaks the fucking thing bang bang they go the fuck bo boop boop the fucking fucking raspberries. Pup, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop. Why do we go in there and give these little fuck fucking $10 for that sugar shit that they put

in our systems? I got fat drinking that shit. I thought I was getting fucking healthy. I would do an eight ball of Coke and do like a jamba juice. And I go, fuck rehab, I'll just do a jomba juice. And next thing you know, I'm 80 fucking pounds heavier. And I'm like, what type of coke am I getting? I'm not even burning calories.

And I told somebody in my diner, like it's a fucking jomba juice. All sugar, that's all that is. There's no health nutrition in there, none. Then they charge, they're like the fucking airlines. They charge you 50 cents per nutrient. What fucking nutrient? You fuck. What are you putting in there?

Energizer, jingsing. Where'd you get it from? I don't believe these fucking, that could be anything. That guy, I did that to people. Listen, the biggest trick I had was I tell chicks I had coke, but I give them aspirin. Like late night. Like two, three in the morning, they're already coped up. You give them a little blast asin.

They don't know. Because I only have, like, a little rock. You ain't getting enough. that to we get naked. I gotta hold on to that shit until I see a titter something. You gotta snort the aspirin and shit. How's that? This is great coke. I don't feel it going up my nose. It's tremendous. It's very light. It's good for the heart, you know what I'm saying? So people could get tricked. They can put anything in that jarbid juice shit. Anything for those 50. And we go in there like

assholes. Oh my God, I'm dehydrated. I'm fucking. You know, fucking You know how much do you need to be fucking dehydrated? They've lied to us, America. That's why there's bottles all over the fucking ocean. Because we're walking around like assholes. This shit just started 10 years ago. When I was a kid, people didn't walk around with water. Probably walked around with fucking water.

Oh, my God. I'm so thirsty. Oh, and let me tell you the killer thing about the chick that's going to Mexico on Wednesday. Because I was hired before, and I didn't think about this. So I told my wife, I go, honey, because my wife is fucking Dr. Evil, she always thinks to the worst shit. I go, so they're going to take the chick that's dying a can't, a liver, and they're going to drive with a message with my wife.

Why do they do that for it? It's so much more expensive. And I go, what the fuck are you talking about? She goes, it's going to cost a lot. You go, listen, my buddy just went for a lap bag down there. He said they wanted 30,000 in UCLA. You got it down there for 4,000. And they got a bag of coffee, they get the shoes.

They get glasses. They get valiums to go. They get a bunch of shit. I go, she's probably going to pay like 30 grand for a liver, you know? And she goes, what about the ambulance? I go, they're Mexicans. They'll put that bitch in the backseat.

With some towels and some fucking green chili and shit. Some fucking mole. It's all over. That bitch is all they need to keep that bitch alive for three. I love you guys. Stay black. Thank you very much.

I hope. There it is, guys. Live a podcast from the Ice House. Thank you for listening. I hope the audio problem wasn't too distracted. God, that was a fun night. Those gummies will really get you. So yeah, thank you for listening.

I'm sorry again about the audio, I think. wasn't too bad and if you made it through you're a true bad motherfucker, original fan of the church. So I do appreciate it. I'm sure Joey will appreciate it.

And again, thank you to our sponsors and we will be back Monday morning as usual. And then I think this is the Tuesday where we're going to be doing it Tuesday instead of Wednesday because of I think either Joey's shooting something or no, no, no, he's going to

he's going to jersey so I think this week it's gonna be Monday and Tuesday but we'll let you know for sure and we'll definitely be back Monday morning 6 a.m. Bye guys. That's right. That's where you find me

the back of the club macin holes my cruise behind me mad question asking asking asking music blasting but I just can't quit because one of these homies big he got to creep with sleep with keep the epic secret

why not why blow up my spot because we both got Now check it. I got more Mac than Craig and in the bed. Believe me, sweetie, I got enough to feed the need. No need to be greedy. I got mad friends with benz-is. See notes by the layers.

True to life players. Jump in the rover and come over till your friends jump in the GF3. I got the chronic by the Trisker. I love it when you call me Big Popper. Throw your hands in the air if you're a true player. I love it when you call me Big Popper. To the honeys, get the money playing fellas like dummies. I love your wigs.

You got a gun up in your waist, please don't shoot up the place. Why? Because I see some ladies tonight that should be having my baby, baby. Straight up, honey, really, I'm asking. Most of these fellas think they be makin, but they be acting. Who they attractin with that line? What's your name? What's your sign?

Soon as he buy that wine, I just creep up from behind and ask you what your interests are. Who you be with? Things that make you smile. What numbers to dial? You gonna be here for a while. I'm gonna call my crew. You gonna call your crew. crew, we can rendezvous at the bar around two.

Plans to leave, throw the keys, the little Cs, pull the truck up front and roll up the next one so we can steam on the way to the telly, go fill my belly, a T-bone steak, cheese, eggs, and welts just great, conversate for a few, cause in a few, we gonna do what we came to do, ain't that right, boo? Forget the telly, we just go to the crib and watch a movie in the jacuzzi, smoke l while you do me. I love it when you call me, big popper. Throw your hands in the hayer if you're a true player To the honeys getting money playing fellas like dummies You gotta gun up in your waist, please don't shoot up to place

Because I see some ladies tonight that should be having my baby Baby, baby How you living Biggie Smalls? Imagining Benz is giving ends to my friends and it feels stupendous Tremendous cream Get a dollar and a dream Still to-gats strapped with infrared beans Chopping O's smoking line optimos

Money ups and clothes All the brother knows A fool is pleasure Whatever I had to find the berry treasure So grams I had to measure However living better now Coochy sweater now Drop top VMs

I'm the mad girlfriend Honey check it Tell your friends To get with my friend We could be friends Shit, we can do this every weekend That's right Is that all right with you?

Yeah Keep banging Throw your hands in the air If you's a true player To the honey's getting money Playing fellas like the knees You got a gun up in your waist Please don't shoot up the place

Because I see some ladies tonight That should be having my baby Baby Uh Checking that.