The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - The Church of What's Happening Now Live #11

Episode Date: May 4, 2014

Youre in for a treat. Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt are back for another live episode of the Church. They welcome guest Rick Shapiro for a night full of craziness and laughter. What we remember of it anyways. Live 04/30/2014

Now guys, please put your hands together. Please sit your hands. Shit. I'm on my second gummy bear, so... Enough with that. Wow, it's bright up here. That's fucking cool. Thank you guys for coming out.

This is the first time we've been in the big room. So thank you so much for coming out, man. Yeah, fucking bright-ass shit, right? Well, let's just get it started. We have a great guest. It's a podcast. It isn't a comedy show, but it should be pretty funny. Let's just get started with the main host

of the church of what's happening now. ideas. One more time, Lee Syatt. It's bad motherfucker. Bad motherfucker, Lee Syatt. You know, when I was like, when I was like 19, right, I had this dude

that was older than me and he kept breaking my balls. And he's like, listen, man, you come work for me in two years, we're making $100,000. I said, go, what? And he goes, yeah, yeah, I'm going to make you sell used cars in Newark. And then at night, you come work with me in New York City. I'll give you a couple hundred.

I'm like, what? You want me to work from 8 in the morning to fucking 11 at night? He goes, yeah, but you can make like 2,000 a week. Forget about it. You'll make some around. I'm like, 2,000? How many days a week? He's like, every fucking day.

Eight in the morning to 11 at night. He goes, I did it for years. And I'm like, when do you find time to do Coke? I mean, you know, when did, because I'm in, but I want some time, you know. I have to worry about coming in at 8 in the morning the next fucking day, you know? I took the job for like two weeks. I couldn't handle I quit, but you know what?

The dude, he ended up buying bars. He became a millionaire from selling fucking little hundas in New York City. I ain't lying to him, man. This guy was fucked up. He was. He had a bar first called Tom and Korky's.

But then Tom couldn't deal with him no more. For starters, this was 1982. He was the first Armenian I ever fucking knew, all right? His name was Greg Kukorian. That was his real name. He was the first Armenian in Jersey. I grew up with two Armenians.

Never even thought about it till now. Like not now tonight. Like now, like a month ago. I was like, God damn, I have a lot of fucking Armenian friends. But I don't know what I'm saying? I thought about my friend Carnic Asadurian. I grew up on an Armenian jersey, Carnic Asiturian. Everybody else was 10.

This motherfucker had a beard. You know what I'm saying? He had hair out of his ears and connected to the beard. And he reminded me of Fidel, so I didn't fuck with him at first. You know what I'm saying? But he was a savage. Him and his brothers used to pick up Volkswagons and turn him around and leave it.

Who does that type of shit? Like, people lift weights. You know what I'm saying? Fuck, not him. He's like, we're going out tonight. We're turning Volkswagen around. And him and his two fucking brothers would just turn Volkswagen around. Freshman year in high school.

You understand me? Well, you motherfuckers at home playing Nintendo. Fuck you. He's out there picking up a Volkswagen, turning it around. That's when I knew. this motherfucker. I didn't know he was Armenian. When you're 13, you don't give a fuck what people are. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck what you are. And you get older,

that's when you start giving a fuck. Oh, watch out. It's fucked up week here in LA, you know, when you hear shit like that. I expect that kind of shit. I expect people to be racist because I understand how people are behind closed doors. That's why dirty bitches tape them. You follow me? That's behind closed doors. I've always said that. If they really listen to all of us, what we think behind closed doors, we would all get shot and fucking hung. So before you judge somebody, you understand me? I mean, think about it, what we really feel in our fucking hearts. Like we feel certain ways because of society, but in our fucking hearts, we don't feel that

way. We just let it pass. We don't give a fuck, you know what I'm saying? Two guys want to get married that ain't got nothing to do with me. Fuck it, I don't give a fuck. Right? We don't, we make believe, but deep down and south, like, how can two guys get married? What the fuck am I kid's gonna say?

You know what I'm saying? I gotta break it down for my little boys. Why are those two guys swapping spit? I don't fucking know. Because they're faggots. I don't fucking know. They want to get married. I don't fucking know, all right?

Because when you see things, it's different. When you got kids, you got to explain shit to them when they ask you. What is a condom? I don't fucking know. Why are they talking about it? At 6 o'clock in between Dora the Explorer and Wally, motherfucking Kazam?

Why is there a fucking condom commercial on? And they wonder why 12. over-year-olds are sucking dick and fucking getting pregnant on MTV. Because there's a condom commercial during Wally Kazam. You filthy motherfuckers! Wait till I get my hands on fucking Nick at Night, those people over there. I'll kill those motherfuckers with my bare fucking hands.

And you know what? Donald Sterling said some fucked up shit this week. But he didn't say shit about the Armenians and the Mexicans. Did you hear that shit? Not one fucking thing. He's at home right now looking for a tape recorder to say shit about the Armenians. He's at a radio shack right now. I got to put it in my bedroom. Got to put it on me.

I'm going to Glendale. I want to hear what I really feel. What the fuck do you really feel people when you're really? You know what I'm saying? I mean, if we all really felt what we start and said in public what we really feel about a lot of things, we wouldn't all be allowed. So next time you hear them, you know, and fuck that. chick. That's why you, I'm 51. I never, guys, I've got to be on, I never understood a

midlife crisis. When I see an old guy with a young chick, I feel bad for the young chick. Because you can't reverse that shit. You can't reverse that. You can't reverse that. I'm 51. I see what my dick looks like. And I see what it's, and I see what it smells like. It's completely different. When you're 20 and when you're 50, your dick is completely different. When you're 10 or you're 12 and you're piss, it smells tremendous, right? You ever pee when you're 18? You don't smell shit. When you're 50 and you pee, it smells like somebody farted.

You're like, what the fuck? A fart just came out of my dick. That's disgusting. Sometimes I scratch like the vein in the middle. I just scratch it. You know what that's like for a young girl to suck a 30? Think of that, ladies. If you're 20 and you suck a 50-year-old dick,

that dick was 30 when you were born. Think about it that way. Now I'm 51, and my dick is disgusting. I got a lie to you. I can lie to you and tell you I've kept it in shape over the years. It's fucked up. For starters, it's uncircumcised. That skin is all fucked up.

It's just hanging there. Like when you take over a country, how the flag just hangs there. It's just hanging there, like a dead fucking skin. I got gray hair, my nut, everything, even everything. And it's got to smell old, like an old dick. Like, sometimes I do kettlebells in front of the house. I'm like, I smell old man, like I smell an old man. And I'm like, fuck it, I smell me.

What the fuck? So if I smell me, old man up here, think about it, like it's an old dick. So I'm 51. If I feel that bad about my dick, what does your fucking dick look like? Ladies, close your eyes. What do you think of... Go ahead, before you bite into that nacho, I want you to think about this shit. I want you to imagine what a dick looks like when it's 81 years old.

And you're sucking it with one hand and you gotta tape recorder with the other hand. And at the end of the week, you got to realize where the fuck are you going to end up when you die? You're going to end up under hell. That's what you're going to end up. Like, they're going to have to pick up hell and put you under there.

And then close it, you dirty, filthy fuck. Because that bitch is disgusting. That motherfucker. I feel bad for her dentist. You know what I'm saying? He's got to clean her teeth with one of those shields on and a welder. She got like sperm barnacles

on her teeth and shit. That nasty bitch, that filthy motherfucker. When you get home, look at her Instagram. You could tell her pussy has that weird wang to it. I don't mind sweaty pussy, ladies. You know, like today, that wind had made that motherfucker. Those El Nino wins makes that monkey on fire. Right now, all of you is a horn.

It ain't you. It's the old Nino wins. That little pussy swallowing. Right under the table right now. It's beaten. You don't know what it is. You would call the doctor, but you're here. You know what I'm saying?

Son, I see, El Nino fucking wins. But that chick's going to fucking die a deadly dead. I'm telling you, I'm telling you, this is a man, a man. I mean, this chick is disgusting. She did that, but she sucked an 81-year-old dick. Just that alone. That alone, she's going to be, like, walking with her sunglasses on to get into heaven. And St. Peter's going to stop, but not you, to this,

Come over here, step to the side. What I do? I took my sneakers off. Fuck the sneakers, bitch. You could take the sneakers, but you can never taste that taste out of your fucking mouth, you filthy motherfucker.

But not only we're going to take you to hell, we're going to cut the finger off that you press the tape recorder, press to a motherfucker. That's what we're going to do, you dirty bitch, you filthy motherfucker. Dirty people.

Dirty people. I hope someone. somebody tapes me because I'm when they play it like the soul. Fuck, he says that shit every day. Shit. Last time I did the show, Donald Sterling walked out of here, pissed off and shit. The language, boy, does he hate black people? I don't hate nobody, dog.

I never had the balls to put somebody, sit somebody in a bus or something. In the back of the bus, I couldn't live under those conditions. That's bullshit. Drink under a different fountain. under a different fountain. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck anymore. You understand me? Things change. Life changes, you know what I'm saying? But nobody ever forget that that that bitch will be 90. And she's going to live. You're going to see. She's going to be, well, you'll see her. A hundred years from now. She'll be 114. Today the oldest women in Compton, X is here. He's the one that pressed the button. She'll have like a fucked up finger and

shit. It's fucking crazy. You pay for your sins. Karma is a motherfucker. You know what I'm I'm a motherfucker. It's fucked up. So everybody's jumping up and down and laughing. Everybody's having a good time. Went to the playground today. My daughter playgrounds are designed for fucking make your kid a pussy now.

You know that? They even designed to make you. They want your kid to be a pussy from day one. When I was growing up, it was concrete and metal. Remember the fucking monkey bars? You banged your head. No more monkeys. Fuck it.

I don't want to be a monkey no more. That was a metal bar. You landed on the floor all fucked up and shit. Now they're made out of rubber. The floor is rubber. When a kid falls, it's fucking rubber on the playground and shit. You know, I pick my daughter up and throw it. Fucking bounce, bitch.

Gotta get ready for the future, motherfucker. Because I don't want my dad. You know, when you're a dad, you know, I had a second chance of being a dad. My first daughter, me, don't talk. But this one, I got a chance. I got hands on. I want it to be a fucking savage. I'm writing a book, How to Grow Up, Not to Be a Hore.

That's going to be, that's a, you know, seriously. Seriously, you know, that's your job. I mean, that's your fucking job. I don't care. You know, and I'm already subliminal, see, because I'm doing with my mother. Like, when I was six, my mother would talk to me about eating pussy. She would go, when you get older, you got to eat pussy.

Trust me. And I would go, pussy, I don't like pussy. You got to eat pussy. So when I was 13, I remember that I like pussy. I got to eat pussy. So now when my wife in the room, you don't like cock. You don't like cock. You don't like cock.

No cock. Don't even grab it. Like a fucking... No cock in your world. Fucker. Close that monkey to your 29. That's how you have to do. You have to tell them the truth, man. Because you can't fucking like tell...

You gotta tell your daughter's the truth. You gotta take them and show him a crack hole that's been stabbed. That's what you do. You can't talk to a girl. You gotta take it to the hospital and shit, you know what I'm saying? You gotta take it to the 170.

Right there is. Seriously, I got a couple dead bodies up to 170. You ever go up to 170? Right by Sherman Way. That's where you dump a bitch after you stab her. You ever stab a woman, drop her off under 170. Trust me. You're going to love it up there.

You'll tweet me and say, Joey, you're a genius. That's about 12 motherfucking bitchies. This is up there already and shit. I got about 12 bitches up there laying in the 170, no. And the cartons, and the milk carton with them holding the carton with that picture. Have you seen me? I don't know, motherfucker. Close your eyes.

You're scaring me, bitch. That's fucked up if you find somebody dead and their eyes are open. I don't touch them. Fuck that. I take their watch. I leave, you know what I'm saying? Fuck it.

I don't take a dead man's fucking watch. They robbed my mother's jewelry when she was dead, those motherfuckers in the ambulance. But that's what happens when you're dying in New Jersey. You know what I'm saying? If you're going to die, die in New York. They'll let the jewelry stay on.

At least you get to the hospital in Jersey. take it right off in the ambulance and shit. I need CPR. Take the fucking jewelry. They don't give a fuck, dick. But I'm happy you guys came out tonight. You know what I'm, it's great. My pants will fall and I stopped drinking diet soda.

I'm losing weight, see? Even diet soda. I stopped drinking more. Diet soda, even white bread. I feel a lot better. I just drink green tea and water now. Green tea will keep you up. That's like liquid blow.

You ever see Chinese people when they're walking around. They're confused. That's what happened. They drank like a gallon of green tea and smelled incense. That'll set you off, you know what I'm saying? Fuck smoking weed. You put one of those fucking brown incenses. You drink green tea, you're off and running and shit.

You're bowing, you're making soup. Making soup chino! Chino! We're going to get this fucking podcast started. You guys ready to rock here? Coming to the stage, my little brother, Mr. Lee Syatt. Get him up for you, cocksucker. What are you sitting next to me for?

I got over here. What's this shit? What's this shit? I don't know. They said you asked for like a berry breeze. I don't know what it's called. Look at me. Don't look at the type of guy that was a berry fucking breeze.

They made it twice. I'll drink it because I'm dehydrated, but no more. What's going on, Lysiac, cock sucker? I used to... You should have seen how fucked up he was there at lunchtime. Well, he gave me an edible and said, go home for an hour. I didn't even have time to...

fall asleep and he calls me first I had to unpack the I had to pack the office up high and you have no idea what wires feel like when you're high and then it never ends just keep rapping and rapping and I came back like an hour later and I was like passed out

in a chair in the corner when his wife was taking pictures down and he ended up having to drive me around dude like let me just get in the car we'll drop you off there I know he's sitting like a fucking mombo there I'm like Lee you all right what yeah I'm all right Lee, that was only 20 million. No, it wasn't.

All right, it wasn't. He wants to fucking argue with me for an hour. First of all, any milligram thing you say is at least double. Let's just be honest. Second of all, it was 6.30 in the morning. That's the way to do it. I take an edible with my blood pressure medication. You understand me?

Right there. The blood pressure medication, the fucking fish oil, bam, you're brand new. By the time you come out of the shower, feel it like you're like what the fuck have you ever burped after taking fish oil it's no i get the shit with the lemon in it i don't eat that fucking pathmark shit i don't get my fucking fish oil from cvs where do you get it got to a fucking gnc they squeeze lemons in it so when you burp later on you burp lemon and fish it's not like it's like you ate salmon with lemon on it

you know what the fuck you think you're dealing with some novice that's what after you burp that shit one time. You're like, I'm never eating those fucking pills again. Fuck my elbow. You know what I'm saying? I don't give a fuck about my elbow. It's true, man. You got to eat that fish oil. It's got like, there's lemon in it. It's fucking tremendous. I used to live at Sherman Wayans, the

Pulvita, and I can understand why you throw women out on the 170. It's scary there. Even at like 9 in the morning, they're out there, like the hookers are just ready. I'm telling you guys, I'm serious. We're family. Shit happens sometimes. There's a lot of Mexicans here. You go to

Fourth of July party. A little tequila gets broken out. You put those Mexicans with a tuba fucking playing in the back. Boom, boom, boom. That's when shit goes. That's when shit goes sour. Mexican's grandfather, look at you with that one eye and shit. And they come out with that Civil War pistol and it's over.

There you are. There you are on KTLA news in the morning. We're here in East L.A. It's a sad day. What started as a friendly Mexican guy. And there is that fucking Guadalajara Central in here. Let's talk to the Owolita. You don't know what happened.

I'm justa coming the gallina. Fucking gallina. That's fucking a scary word for chicken. You ever think about that shit, Gallina. I like pollo. Pollo's okay. All right, pollo, but some people tell you, like, a gallina. You're like, is he in the yard? You know what I'm saying?

Because you don't mind eating the chicken, not just from the fucking yawel. just from the fucking yard. I don't want to know his origin. You follow me? I don't give a fuck where he's from. Some fucking Spanish families will show you the chicken and go, that's dinner. You know that joke you did about the butcher shop

you went to and went and grabbed it? Paul's mom does that still today. It's not even like, oh, it's the 1950s. She gets the chicken and kills it and there's a whole plucking thing right there. It's scary as shit. That's the way you fucking do it. You go to Denny's they give you that processed soup,

the chicken noodle. Go to a fucking Mexican place. It's like the ugliest Mexican place. Well, like, the rating has been like, it was like, you don't even know what it is. It's like, it's like an R. You don't give a fuck. Only a Mexican restaurant would have an R rating.

You're like, is it, are they cursing in there? No, it's that dirty. And then the Mexican restaurants are never dirty. They're never. You'll never go to a Mexican restaurant and they'd be dirty. The reason why they get like a B or a C because they come in, there's a Chihuahua on the counter. A fucking live chicken that ain't dead yet.

Like he's... You know what I'm saying? That's why they fail. But even the city inspect... Anyway, my point being, I don't want to insult nobody here that. You ever go to a fucking Mexican place and get like chicken soup?

They come with a neck. There's a feather in it. There's a piece of the eyeball. You're like, wow. How come I never get this in sushi? You take the toothpick and start rolling the eyeball and they keep spinning around you have the eyeball just spin around

and you try to nail it with a toothpick and you can't do it and they always do it on that deadly heart when they go to tuna you ever see right before they fucking get the tuna the guy stabs the fucking tuna with this stick and the thing nobody watches tuna that fucking late night shit

but you can't do that with an eyeball that's way too specific it sounds like you've done that like a lot of times what eat an eyeball with a chicken eyeball you spin it around in its head when you go to real Spanish people's house they don't fuck around So I'm not just going to cook like a, oh, we made chicken breasts because we know the vitamins

and who gives a fuck? A chicken, a fucking Latin, will take that chicken by the fucking feet, stabbing the neck, drain the blood, take a couple feathers off and put that motherfucker right in the soup, dangling it like a tea, like the fucking three stooges. You ever see how the three stooges make soup? They like the chicken and dipping in the water and shit. It's true, man, you know. Different nationalities have different fucking shit in it, you know.

There's nationalities that put the whole fucking animal in that, that motherfucker. It's amazing how I would, listen, if my grandmother lived with me or a Cuban aunt and she wanted to go get a live chicken every fuck, seriously, if I brought one of my aunts from Cuba and the only way she'd know how to make chicken, a chicken soup was by killing a chicken, I'd be fucking on it every day.

I'll drive that bitch to the fucking, you know, because that's the thing now. That's why everybody's complaining. we don't eat natural. We'll grow your own fucking animals. When I was growing up, you went to a butcher. The animals were alive. In the back, you heard them.

I ain't fucking with you, motherfuckers. This is just now, the last 30 years. Years ago, you could hear the animals, the goats, the fucking sheep. You could hear them back. And you'd ask the fucking, what do you got today? I got a fucking cow. I haven't killed it yet.

But in one hour, it's going to be fucking tremendous. You understand me? Can I wait? Yeah, hang out. They don't give a fuck. Hang out. You wait and do you, like, could you watch it happen and then eat it? Like, can you, like... I can't, because I'm not a savage, but...

Growing up, they had these places where I was growing up, to have these places like Ponticovo Deli. And you'd walk in with your mother, and there was cages, and they had everything by size. So they had, like, little chicks, then pigeons, then chickens, then roosters, then, you know, alligators, then elephants, then gorillas. They went right up the animal fucking list.

And you'd walk in and the chickens knew you, but they didn't know. Like your mother would look at the chicken, which chicken you want. You'd go, no, no, because you were like a half a fag. Don't kill the chickens. Don't kill the chicken. It doesn't matter what you want. That chicken's dying, bitch. You understand me? Pick the fucking chicken. That one.

And the chicken would know. Did he say me? Get in the fucking back. Build the wall around me. Like they build around and gladiator. Remember when they... When they had Russell Crow in the middle, assume position, a soon position.

Like that, all the chickens got in front of him. Then you ring the bell and some guy comes out. That just got out of jail for like triple homicide, child molestation, killing a priest, everything. Fuck it. This motherfucker did everything in jail. And you don't give a fuck.

He's angry. All his dreams were shattered. He comes out, what do you want? That one. And the chickens are like, oh, fuck. It's getting real The DJ just turned off the music motherfucker

And they all go to the back of the cage They're all back there All huddled up And that motherfucker had no feelings I can't do that I can't just stick my hand in the cage By the time he grabbed the chicken By the face he wasn't fucking around

There was no animal cruelty laws Like they're all today Like don't touch the chicken That motherfucker Put his hand in there like Like how John Jones Poled Glover Tixera In the idea I'm like

He just took his hands, grabbed the fucking chicken. You fucking chicken, motherfucker! I only make $8 an hour, you motherfucker. And he grabbed him by the fucking eyeballs And with this... Press his thumb into his skull, right there in front of you. You were like eight, like fucking in shock. That's why these kids today get bullied

because they never seen a chicken get killed. You see a chicken get killed. You're a whole new fucking man. You grow a cape and shit. You leave there. And he grabbed that, you can hear the chicken going, Buck up, bring up, break up!

And he'd be tapping verbally, but this guy didn't give a fuck. He was deaf in one ear. He'd squish his fucking, you fucking fucking chicken motherfucker. Then the other chickens were picking it. Ah! Ah!

Ah! Wait till I get him out. I'm going to kill all you motherfuckers too. And they pull that fucking chicken out of you. motherfucker. Right in front of you're like, Ah, kill the chicken. Fuck the fucking chicken, mother.

Fuck the fucking chicken. And his cousin and his fucking mother. I'm going to kill the whole fucking family. People in my chicken shop, all right? That's it. Don't bring no black people

to my fucking chicken store. I got emotional. I'm sorry, Leah. Something about killing chickens. It fucking kills me. It brought you bad You're like when you were eight I'm talking to my years in Santaria It brought me back

I haven't killed a chicken in years It's time Anyway, sorry about that I got a motion So Dollar Shave Club I don't know about Dollar Shave Club What are you fucking bringing That shit up right now

It's Wednesday night All right I got time to fucking shave It's Wednesday I had to get out of the house I had to get out before the baby saw me You can't leave

You can't leave Once your kids spot you They reach for you. Like, I can't fucking leave now. I don't give a fuck. I ain't going. So she was in the shower where I snuck out that door

like a superhero. Fuck this bitch. My wife called me on the way up. Where are you? The baby, like, I'm gone. That's why. I'm going to fucking kill a chicken or something.

What else, Lisa? I had everything all right? So you're going to Boston tomorrow to see your mom and shit? Yeah, for her birthday. For your birthday. Where are you taking them? This Italian place on an uncle, no?

I don't know. It's her next year, it's her 60th. All right? She probably shouldn't say that on. in the air. Who gives a fuck? But we're gonna take her on a trip next year, so my brother and I'm gonna tell her tomorrow.

Where you're taking it? Israel. Tremendous. Land of hummus. It's gotta throw that disgusting fucking hummus and I'm gonna fucking condemn that shit, hummus. I hate how it looks. That and branch dressing, put it together. And I'll rub it on your feet and lock you outside

for a week. And see how it smells after a week. you ever fucking eat hummus again, cucket. I really do. I hate all those fucked up foods, but I'm an old man. What do I know? It's the future of the fucking future.

Look at the future. The future is fucking different every day. 20 years ago, if a chick had a tattoo on, you didn't have to give her a roofie. Now a chick's got a tattoo, she got three kids. She goes to church every Sunday. It's fucked up.

You know what I'm saying? 20 years ago, you said a chick with a tattoo. You're like, look at that girl. No, stop. Look at that one. She's got a tattoo. We could kill her. She sucked dicks before she's done it all. Now you go to fuck in the playground.

Moms have fucking tattoos that breastfeed. What the fuck? They lowered the bar on the tattoo. They fucked this up. Anybody could get a tattoo now. He used to go get a tattoo 20 years ago. The guy would look at what'd you do? Did you kill your mother?

Did you like the house on five? on five, you killed an animal? No, I haven't. Come back when you kill something. All right, don't fucking... A woman just couldn't get a tattoo. She had to go in there with like VD and a certificate. I'm gonna fucking...

Like, her pussy's been condemned, okay? That's the only way you get a tattoo if you were a woman. Like, your pussy had to be condemned. Like, by the health department. Like, it's done. You can't give pussy out in California. You gotta go to Utah. Like, that type of shit.

Didn't you meet a hooker on a bus one time? She wasn't a hooker. She was an exotic dancer, okay? Big fucking difference right away. My apologies. Her girl dances and shakes her titties, and she's a hooker. That's what the problem, with America is. I never knew you're so passionate about it.

I am passionate. That girl, she was fucked up, you know? She was going from Syracuse to Buffalo, and she had to make it before 8 o'clock, before her license got transferred because she had VD. And I swear in my mother's grave, and she told me this shit on the, And trust me, I still wanted a blowjob.

You know what? We don't give a fuck. Even if your arm is hanging off from the gangrene, fuck it, we'll take hutchel. We'll take on a greyhound bus, I'll let a man suck my dick. I don't give a fuck. You've been on a greyhound bus, after eight hours, you're like, please, somebody.

Anybody suck my dick. I mean, you wouldn't be on a bus if you didn't suck dick, you know what I'm saying? You've made some mistakes when you're on a greyhound for 12 hours. What's a man? another dick at this point. I know. Once you get there, you'll start a new life. I know. You'll be all right. Once you get there, you get the fucking VD shot and the crabs will die in your eyebrows. But tonight, I was on the bus one time. I swear to God, had to be 1998. I was

busing it from Syracuse to like Buffalo. And this girl told me, she goes, I'm moving. I go, why? You know, a school. She goes, no. The health department, I gave somebody fleas or something like that. Something and the health department knows. So they're going to go get me tonight and give me a ticket. I got to make money for the kids. I'm going to Buffalo to spread those fleas

in Buffalo. And I swear, I just looked at it. I was like, this is amazing. But that's why you take the bus. Because anybody could take a plane and sit next to like some present. You know, I'm like, what do you think of the Donald Sterling situation? But you take a bus.

You sit next to some motherfuckers that are motherfuckers, you know what I'm saying? So for $80 you got to have that good time. You pay $300 to eat peanuts and sit in the back like a communist, you sit fucking in between me and

you might as well pay $80 and fucking you know, fuck a chick with fleas or something. What's the craziest thing you saw on a bus? You used to take buses for comedy. Everywhere. So what's the craziest That was definitely one of them. One time I went to El Paso and they gave me this cocaine.

That was fresh from the left. Who's they? Welcome to El Paso. When somebody gives you cocaine, you don't ask questions. You understand me? You just take it, nod your head and walk down the street. I was in El Paso, Texas, and some guy on Saturday gave me like a big bag of blow. El Paso's where they invented cocaine pretty much, right?

So he just gave me like a bag of blow. I did half of it, and I didn't want to dump it, so I go, fuck it, I'll put it on the bus with me, right? So I got on the bus, and I'm in the back doing little bumps and shit, I'm having a good time. Nobody on the bus, no pass, or got VD. They're just looking straight ahead, right? So finally, we get pulled all by the fucking cops.

Like, you know, two hours outside of El Paso they pulled the bus over. They come on with the dogs, and I got, like, a gram or two left. I do it in one fucking line. Now, this is the best Coke in the world. It's yellow. It's bitter and shit, like a lemon.

Like... How much is... Wait. How much is two grams? If you're going to lay it out here, like, what would the line be? I don't fucking know. My lines were thick so they could be this big or that big.

I don't fucking know. It was just a pile, you know? A pile. A pile, a pile. I don't fuck around later, right? What do you think you're dealing with? Wait, I'm going to show up with a line. I'm too fucking 60.

You know what I'm saying? I got to show up with a pile, right? I saw the cops, so I did the whole pile. And it was like October. It was cool out. Everybody had like a hooded sweatshirt on, like a t-shirt. By the time they got to me, I had nothing on in the back, right? Sweat and the dog was sniffing at me, barking at me.

Wheeh, whew! Oh! The dog knew I. I did it. I was sweating it already. They're looking, I know, I know he did it. I'm like, check me, motherfucker. That thing is gone. It's in my nasal cavity right now is shit. My favorite story of like the past year of knowing you,

it was like last December, you took an edible on a plane, I think it was to Miami and he took your whole shirt off. But then like two days later, like, you know what? I think it was the cinnamon candies. It was a cinnamon candy. It was not the cinnamon candy. Yes, it was. I need a bunch of fucking edibles and they put me on the security line for a long fucking time. You know, when you're going to Miami out of LAX,

it's fucking racial, right? They dealt to send you to a terminal all the way in the back, palm trees, and Spanish music on and shit. They got fucking scorpions and neon and the Mexican music with the b'bubo-bub-bh-bh-bh-bh-bh-bh-bh-bh-bh-bh-bh-bh. No say, because

Bring Mexicans to my fucking games, all right. No more Mexicans are loud to these fucking games. Don't take no pictures with them. Don't put them on Instagram. I could have just imagine him going, and don't hang out with no HIV motherfuckers either. That would have been classic. Fags with a lit fucking Hollywood on fire right now.

Right now, fucking Hollywood. with Boulevard fags who've been jumping up and down. That'd be one black fag with HIV on KTLA. They're remarks where our star is. I got a great guest for you tonight, ladies and gentlemen. Give a round of applause to my main man, Mr. Rick Shapiro. What the fuck is? There he is. Slide over.

Slide over. Get in the middle. Give him the end. And move back. What's happened, Uncle Rick? Thank you very much of coming down tonight, my man. I didn't want to miss the chicken getting killed, story. No, fuck that. Are you kidding, man?

You remember that shit when they used to kill animals? Like in New York, they had those butcher shops. Yeah, but I don't remember the noises. Oh, yeah, the noises were the whole thing. That's the whole fucking thing. You know, you don't kill the chicken. I'm like, oh, let me break your neck and the chicken looks at you. Goodbye, cruel world.

Fuck, no. You know, take that motherfucker. Slam his fucking head. Yeah, you see? That's what they do. That's what I miss. I live in a place I call Land of the Gummy Worms and Knit Caps and they pose around. They gummy worm down Gummy Worm Avenue,

this vein area where you see beers and all that. Like, how are you doing? How you doing? Good, good. Like, the wind doesn't even blow. It quivers. Like, things are good. I feel awkward. Things are weird. You know? You know what I mean? And then I hear you yelling about

pulling a chicken out by his eyeballs and it makes me homesick for my child abuse. I'm telling you. It makes me homesick for everything. That's what it is. A child abuse. Nobody talks loud out here. No, no, no.

It's really amazing how everybody's politically correct now. And I'm gay, so imagine my heartbeat. It's not that I'm gay. I'm just against Sterling. I wish he would have opened up the valve. Right now, for $2.5 million, right now he's at home. I should have opened the fucking valve up. I should have talked about Jews, everybody.

Yeah. For 2.5, I should have got my money back. I don't like some Arabs either, you know what I'm saying? I'm telling you, right now he's at home thinking about fuck the fucking Mexican. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, because actually we don't know what to do. Instead of saying like, oh, you won, honey, oh, yeah, give me the tape recorder. Yeah, give me the fucking...

And then I'll take it further and further and further. And people are against when I say this, but I'm glad... I want rich guys to be recorded more often. So they're stopping fucking Roman. models, like Donald Trump, you know what he says at home? Like, my balls are tiny, honey. You think my balls are tiny? And then he goes on TV.

He goes, thinks you're real good. All the ladies love my jacuzzi. It's made of gold. My balls are tickling me. My balls are tickling me. I feel weird. I feel weird. You know, they're full of shit.

Rich people are new scumbags. Individuals matter. Not your fucking Porsche monkey shitheadedness. Not porch monkey. Porch monkey. and if you ever think about the word Porsche or a Porsche monkey

you're a slave to it you're a dentist tell me more about the chickens you know it's amazing how that's gorgeous man pulling out by their eyeballs you know I live in you know you people here

you're very appreciative your people have strong wills you know a lot there's a lot of people who get insulted by language and they write stories and they write books and they contract their fucking

congressman Some people who fucking live their life, you know. You go to these fucking farmers' market. That's where we're going, people. That's what civilization is fucking going to a farmer's market. I can't wait to see these douchebags in 20 years. All these people texting how their fingers are going to be all fucked up. Yeah, yeah.

You know, if you don't have a tattoo, an earring, a pit bull, a cell phone, a Starbucks coffee, the fucking fluffy boots, you know. It's amazing all the things you need to be a human. being today. A citizen, a good citizen. Just to be a human being. If you don't walk around with that cup of fucking Starbucks, there's something wrong with you. Can you imagine that? We pay $4

for coffee and 7-11 got way better coffee. You get that motherfucking Colombian bowl? You ever get that Colombian bowls? That shit is stronger than fucking meth. And I've been to Idaho. I bought meth in Idaho one time.

They told me it was blow. I was up for four days. I was a feature actor was fucked up. I was paranoid. I couldn't jerk off. Meth is a motherfucker. Met is a motherfucker, dog. But it really is amazing that sometimes I'm around rich people, and I swear to God, I say to myself, if that's what it means to be rich, I don't want to have money. If that's what my character, and that's how my thinking's going to go, I don't want to have money. Once I replace it with the money, do you know what I'm saying? I'd rather be poor and have me and just barely make it

but have a good fucking time. Because you can have a good time. You don't need a bunch of money. I had no money and I was doing an eight ball a night. Can you imagine? Yeah. If I had money?

When I was broke, I smoked so much coke, I knew I was God. Yeah, yeah. I thought I was eating out. I was on the sidewalk. Yeah, it's amazing. All right, so a guy has a heart attack where he flips out,

he goes to a rehab, he comes out, he comes out, he becomes rich now he doesn't do blow again. Every day that guy has money. He's like, fuck, why couldn't I do coke now instead of going what I went through? But it's like a medical marijuana license, you know? I didn't want to get a medical marijuana

license. I know what it is to go into a bad neighborhood. Buy a bag of weed, put it in your trunk. Drive home, think about getting home and rolling it. You know what I'm saying? Now they took that fun away. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, now it's a Starbucks.

Like, now it's a Starbucks. It really is. I'd much rather go home white knuckling it and shit. You know, I got a grandma Noriega. I got a grandma bubble bath. You know, if I get pulled old, we'll go into jail. It's amazing.

I was like, I'll have that and that coily bong. That sounds good. I was talking to a guy at a comedy club and he's smoking out of a coily bung, like a silly straw. Like... So, really, Where's your next gig?

We should hang out sometime and have coffee. I can hear my voice in my ankle. I'm like, it's not a super-sized idiot drink. It's a supersized idiot. It's a fucking coffee. It's a fucking coffee. If I see, if I find out one of you motherfuckers put soy in your coffee.

We're not going to talk no more. I can't do it. I can't do it. I love you guys. You're my family. You know, without you guys, I wouldn't keep tight. Don't let me find out you're doing so. Shut the fuck up, babe.

If I find that you're putting sore in your fucking coffee, we're going to have a bigger problem, cocksucker. Because you're fucking family. Don't offend me, okay? When I grew up, it was black. It's beautiful. And sweet and sugar, right? Whatever the fuck it was.

Yeah. It was a blue cup and they put the thing on it with a butter roll. Nutricious. Protein, all your fucking food. You got a roll with butter and a coffee and milk. Everything's covered. Vitamin C, D, E. Yeah, it wasn't like a fairy tale.

All of the cinnamon, prellian, Auburn, evening, all my dreams are guaranteed to come true by 5 o'clock Harry Potter floating on a frothy cloud. More froth. No soy, no soy, no soy, no soy, no soy, no soy, no soy, no soy, no soy, no soy, no soy, no soy, no soy. No soy, no soy, no soy, no soy, no soy. No soy, no soy. Why does my coffee have to be low fat?

Yeah, it's just fucking coffee. What did I do to it? What did I do to it? What is it? A cake? It's fucking coffee. It's black coffee with those six sweet motherfuckers you put in there. It's zero fucking calories.

Why am I ordering a low-fat fucking coffee? Are you fucking retarded? That's what they've done to us. We're ordering low-fat fucking coffee. Really? We're getting fucked in the ass, people. Yeah, we're going to analyze.

With the stupid dick. Not even with a smart dick. Like, I wouldn't get mine fucked in the ass with Einstein's dick good. You come out of there? You're dropping knowledge. You're inventing light bulbs. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, and they go, strong or weak? Stronger week?

Stronger week? I go, what? You know, strong or weak? Stronger week? I said, what? The human condition? He goes, stronger week? Stronger week? I said, you're strong or fucking weak?

I said, you seem a little upset kitten pants. How about I pet you? You calm down. I take you home and feed you. You get to crawl around my ankle to see how men live. Sir, strong or fucking weak. I said, what? The flavor.

I said, well, why would I want weak flavor? And then I thought about it. I said, yeah, give me weak. Give me the weakest weakness. Put my shit in the cup. Weak in my shit. Make the shit so weak as the flies are laughing at you for hanging around that shit.

Don't even put on a cup. I'm putting a cup. I don't even put on a table. Just sit on my lap and breathe in my mouth, you weak fuck. Fucking weak or strong. Just give me a fucking coffee. But he's right. It's coffee. That's all it's ever

going to be. It's never going to be anything else. Nothing else. It's not Candyland with a special prize. You know, there's not a genie in there. But it does make you forget you're unemployed when you're holding one. You're like, $4, I'm still good. I'm still doing good. I'm still worthy. I'm still fucking cool.

I can hang out with. I show up with 7-Eleven. They all look at you like, huh? Yeah, bitch. And I drive a super. motherfucker, $256 a month. Three-year lease. How you like me now, bitch? Yeah. And I got an extra 5,000 miles from mileage. In case I want to go to Disneyland,

motherfucker. You don't go to start, but listen, I'm not to tell you. Remember that commercial couple years ago? Don't talk to me until I get my coffee. Don't talk to me until I get my coffee. I'll get that guy and I'll punch him so many fucking times in the stomach. I hate those type of douchebags.

I tell you that, like, don't talk to me. I get coffee. Fuck you with that bad breath anyway. I don't want to talk to you. Your breath is like that fucking chick that blew that 81 year old. No wonder she walks around with a fucking gas mask on. It's like the methane from a well carcass. I was just thinking.

Methane from a well carcass, just images, you know. Thank you. I'm sorry. Methane from a well carcass. It just works. Methane from a well carcass. It's on my mind. Methane from a well carcass.

Maybe if we took all the methane from a well carcass, we'd have like smart coffee. You think so? Is that like gluten? Would I be free if I was gluten-free? I mean, really free. How free would I be? Would I be able to deal with that freedom?

I heard a guy go up to a counter. He goes, I need a zucchini muffin. I said, there's nothing pronto about a zucchini muffin. Who eats a fucking zucchini muffin? I know. I'll tell you what. Who the fuck eats us a... Yeah, who cares about the same?

If I find out what are you, eat zucchini muffins. Or drink soy coffee. Don't talk to me no more. Unfollow me. I'll find out of them. I'll delete your friendship. I'm not fucking around with you. If I find out one of your motherfuckers

eat at what kind of? Zucchini, my man. He goes, Pronto. Pronto. I fucking kill you. Why didn't you do zucchini? Pronto? I'll put your name under a fag publication.

I swear to God. Like Big Dix Incorporate, like the group. Join now on Facebook. I'll make you part of that group. And I'll fucking. Wait, what kind of muffins are okay? Blueberry. Nothing.

Nothing. Nothing. Chocolate chip. Fucking brand nut If you can't shit Corn muffin Wait wait a What would you say?

Carrot I don't know Broccoli Don't know what the rules are I'm just gonna fucking Don't ask him Okay Yeah

Don't ask him This guy eats fucking Kack Kack Kack or Kack Kack

Kack Kack CAC C ACE It's shit and Fuck Put together Just a bunch of shit

I don't fucking know fucking shit. What muffin do you eat? Let's see. No, I like blueberry, but I wanted to know it in case you hated blueberry

for some reason. No, I like fucking blueberry. I like normal shit. I like normal shit. I want a piece of pizza with pineapple. Right. Get the fuck out of you.

I don't want no fucking pineapple. If I find out you eat pineapple on your pizza, I'll fucking kill all of you. You understand me? Where have you fucking been? They need you in every club in the fucking world.

I don't even look at it. I don't even look at it. I don't even look at it. They need mouths. They need mouths to open. I talk loud and people go like, are you okay? And waiters always come over like, it used to be you just talk loud. You just moved your arms and now they go, do you need some water?

It's like a fucking intense conversation. We don't have those out here. You know? That's what somebody said. We don't have those out here. What's that edible? What's edible? Let's eat the other fucking half, cocksucker.

Oh, I miss that shit. I don't have any. What are you guys got him? Why can't, let me live back Karzzi. Do coke because I quit. Where is it? Oh shit. Oh shit.

It's motherfucking party time. Look at the edible. Look what that edible looks like. It looks like the boat and jaws. Remember? Look at the teeth. Look at the teeth. There's a boat.

It was floating out there, right? I'm not good at the pot shit. I understand cocaine. What you fuck you think you're doing? I may be fat, but I'm swift. So what's up, Rick Shapiro? What's been going on your life? How long have you been doing comedy?

Since I was born. Since I stopped hustling. What the fuck are you laughing about? Yeah, who cares? How are you going to go from the last five minutes to, so? Well, I've been doing comedy. I've been doing comedy.

I want to break it up a little bit. You know what I'm saying? I want to ask him some question, too. He's going to ask me some questions. He's going to ask me some questions. I'm going to ask him some questions. I don't understand pot. I like heavy shit, but like pot, to me, like that's making a choice to become the dumbest moron.

Anyone's ever going to meet for the next 20 minutes. You're the village. You are, you're the village monkey. You know, you're like, Star Trek and Fluffer Nutter. What a night. I should throw these Doritos at those fucking nachos. Wait for it. Matrix is real. Matrix is real.

You know? That's why you should do cocaine. one line of cocaine. You got four new holes punched you into your wall. Your TV's hanging off the terrace. Your dog is sitting on your face saying, eat me, pal. It looks like, pussy. It's going to cost when carnival starts and your wife is under the sink saying,

and you started the Adderall too, didn't you? You started the Adderall. And then you're selling your dick for a taco, true story? Who cares? A guy who sucks dick's just a guy who sucks dick. I did it like a man. When I came, bullets came out, my balls were like old

boxers looking for lost horse heads. Mitchams with fisting a cow, the real gay. I don't want to finish that joke. What's up, Lee? No, real gay, where they're pounding each other like Danny Glover and Samuel Jackson if they were gay. Not Ryan Gosling and Ed Norton

trying to fuck chicks. You can't have that. You can't have that. They're ballerinas. Fuck that shit. Gay men are tougher, man. They got Lee Marvin sitting on his own dick to show Matthew McCawney what a ballerina, Matthew McCona he is.

Come on, man. You're gonna be a fag, do it all the way. Don't be that Graz Anatomy gay shit. Like gentle gay, fucking ream. Turn that ass on to a two-liner. Take it straight to Miami, uh-huh. I don't get to get high. My mind just doesn't stop.

I hear you. I just die. I think I OD or I ate too much Adderall and I enjoyed it. How long have you been doing drugs for? Well, I actually quit for 25 years, but putting up with out of here. Here I kind of needed a little stimulant to get re-stimulated by the boredom by the sun.

The sun doesn't even look like the sun. It looks like a sad, depressed, angry agent. It looks like your father. It doesn't shine on you. It beats down on you. But you got to go, I know, I don't have a job. It's not the son. And you can't sleep late.

I like to sleep all day. Fuck the fucking day. And it looks like imaginary volleyball players are running by your window. And you feel guilty so you go outside and change smoke all day and call it athletics or something. I don't know. Like, who gives this shit? Who can't, I don't like this son. I ended up out here by accident, but what was the question?

I don't get it. He's a tough looking guy. You're a tough looking guy, right? Tough guys always go like this. Nah, nah. Nah. Little guys like me who want to be tough go, I'll fucking bite your fucking dick off. But tough guys always go like, get out of here.

You're cute. You're cute. You're cute. I was just thinking, like, the doctor said to me, it was your third, your third coma, your second concussion, your first heart attack, and your second OD. We saved your life again. And I actually heard myself say, under my breath, I went,

asshole. Like, what do you think I was trying to do when I was smoking coke and heroin? Build a farm? You raise a kid? I wanted to kill myself, you lab rat. Move your Iranian Jewish Mercedes Futility Medical Chair out of my face. and conduct

experiment. Why's the doctor have to be Jewish? Why is the doctor have to be Jewish? Because he said this to me. He goes, Rick, Rick, Rick, we're here to help you.

This is your archaeologist which is no such thing but he's going to call you and you're on every medication known to man that hasn't worked so we're going to put you on every medication known to alligator's.

And this is the other part of your team and she's never going to call you back every three seconds of every three seconds from within three seconds of every phone call she will always never call you back.

And you'll never hear from Many of us again, and we're a team, because you're very important to us. And I'm a Jew. Well, I'm Iranian. And then he goes, well, I'm Iranian. But if anybody asks. They could have been Hindu, you know what I'm saying? You don't see white doctors no more, but they throw Hindus in there from time to time.

That's what's beautiful. There's not just Jew doctors no more. Thank God. It's a whole different fucking game. I'm Jewish and I grew up with doctors. They're fucking thieves. No, I like Jew doctors. I feel comfortable around Jewish people.

Really? I wish I grew up in here. your family, yeah. I feel comfortable around angry Italians. No, I feel comfortable around Jewish people. Like, everything's okay. You ever have that feeling? You look around you, like everything's okay.

There's a Jew next door. Fuck it. You know, what are gonna fuck with me, motherfuckers. I like growing up with the Italians, because they were so mad, they were just going, I don't like them. You know? Like when I left home, my real family was Italian,

not my real family, the mafia. And they... You like that? And they... There we go. You gonna tell jokes, Ricky? I could do that. I can tell a joke.

I'm funny, too. I should go with you. Try to make some money. Make good money? Yeah, you probably do pretty good out there, aren't you, Ricky? No, that's good. That's good.

We all believe in you. We all believe in you, Ricky. Go ahead. I can tell a joke. I said, so tell a joke. What's a difference? I could do it. He'll do without trying.

He was a hit man. So we always say, we always say, what are you doing? Uncle. Luis and he goes, I can do what you do? What's a fucking difference? But what do you do?

I could do what you do? What's a fucking difference? So I said, so tell a joke. I got a joke. And this is true. He's him trying to tell the other joke. The angry is murder. And he goes,

what's that fucking thing? What's that fucking thing? That fucking thing. What's that fucking bird? What's that fucking bird? I said, what fucking bird? The chicken? Yeah.

What's that fucking chicken? What's that fucking chicken? I said, why the chicken... Yeah, yeah, why'd the fucking chicken go over the other side? Why do you do that? I said, no, you know the joke. Why did chicken cross the road?

Just fucking say, just say it. Yeah, why'd the fucking chicken walk across the fucking wall? It wasn't a bit of a sentence. Why do you go over the other side? I said, why did the chicken cross the road? Just say it once. Why'd the fucking chicken

cross that fucking road? Why do you do that? I said, no. I said, do you know what? He goes, yeah, what the fucking chicken? Cross the fucking room. Why he did that? I said, all right, why did he do that?

Because you're sitting in the passenger seat of a Pontiac, you got a rifle under your throat, you kick it away, he shoots you in the foot, he steals your wallet and jewelry, but you're still alive. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Nobody beats Mordecai, silver. Ha ha ha ha ha. Also, here's my knock-knock joke.

Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock. You see me? Motherfucker! I had to get that out. I haven't been able to be loud at a comedy club in a year. You got the best audience. You're his follower?

I hate that word followers because you're not audience members, your audience is leaders. You're leaders. You're not tweeters and twerkers and shitheads. You're fucking profound. Like, fuck tweet. They got paid.

Tweet got subsidized. It was going to be called profound, incisive thoughts. But the president said, we'll give you $200 million. just call it tweets so people think they're parakeets. You know, you know, like, I don't want followers, I want guys

who call me up, I don't want to accept friends, I want to disturb friends. Like, like, Facebook is for people who compare the cheese in their fucking salad. Like, like, if Martin Luther King was around now, it'd be like, free the open all the vaults of opportunity

for all African's Americans. Tweet? It's like, no, that's a profound thought I want to share with the world and walked down the street and say, tweet. Oh, 17 liked it. 17 likes. That's good. I'm doing better today. You know what I mean? Come on. Martin Luther King.

Free the black man from his island of poverty. Tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet. Your thoughts aren't tweets. John Kerry is wearing an Abercrombie, J. Crew, raincoat thong on a kayak right now doing shit. You know?

I mean, he's got a yacht. You should go key his kid's forehead and have him OD under a pile of 19 year olds. He shouldn't vote for poor people's lives. He should be a guy who's so broke. He's at home burning the secret because he can't read it. Or some shit. I don't know.

We're not tweets. I'm sick in tweets. Our thought's supposed to take us out on the street. As a comedian, you'd be amazing. Comedians have responsibility to take their imagination on the street now. Go pissing Starbucks and run. But just do it. Just do it. Just let them know your environment. I'm bigger than your

environment. Your environment doesn't mean shit. I take a leak, I go, but do it. Girls, show your ass crack online at Starbucks to the guy who lives for his cap of bullshit Chino. And he's like, and he just looks over your shoulder and go, lick it. You know? And he goes, no, I couldn't because it's inappropriate. No, no, no, don't use that word.

Lick it. You need to. And he goes, well, okay, since you invited me, I'm waiting for my cabot. No, lick it. And he goes, well, no, all of it. All of it. And burrow your face in that asshole,

so by the time he gets up to the guy who says, what's your name, room for milk? He's covered in your beautiful, womanly ass grease, the environment's alive, everything's intelligent and awake. And when the guy goes, what's your name, room for milk? You go, oh, fuck you, you're the devil.

There's no punch for that. Well, let me see. Like fucking God. Rick, that's it. We're going to ask you some questions now. That's it. We're going to ask you some questions now. That's it.

That's it. We're going to ask you some questions now. We want to know about what the fuck you do and where you're from, forget the fucking voices, and the rest of the shit. That's it. It's question answer time. Nothing else, okay?

No fucking stand-up, no satanic messages. No fucking dogs, no nothing. No twits, no nothing. No, but you inspire me, man. I'm good. You inspire me, too. No, I don't. You're already inspired.

To go out and kill somebody. I'm from New Jersey. You're from Jersey, too? Yeah. Where the fuck are you from, concedure me? Boston. Where's the edible? Did he hit you?

Yeah, what do you mean? Do I eat it? Let's eat another one. No. Let's eat another half. This motherfucker took a... Let me tell you what happened this morning. I woke up this morning at 10 to 4.

Birds were chirping. Birds were chirping. You understand me? I walk in, I bring him a special edible. Sugar-free. Low diabetic. I walk in, I go, you're ready? I can't take an edible.

I have to drive. I was going to fucking choke him. So tonight, he ain't driving. He called the car to pick him up. And that means he's getting fucked up tonight. I already had one. I already had one. That's a weak one.

No, it's not. It's $275. That's the front. That's the twigs and shit. If you look in the back at $70. It's good. Oh, look. She's got one for you. Now you got to eat it. Now you gotta eat this shit.

Now you gotta eat. No, give it to him. Open it up for him and feed it to him like that. Throw in his mouth like the fucking seal. Lee, Lee, Lee. This is what happens at the Ice House on a Wednesday night. Yeah. With Joey Dan.

This is a fucking ring. You're cut it in half, and Lee cut it in half. Kiss it and then just draw it in his mouth and shit. I feel like I'm in somebody else's dream. reality. That's it, Lee. These people brought you a gift. How the fuck? It's like I had a... There you go. That's beautiful. Eat half of it. There you go.

Eat half. Oh shit. Eat half. You're the half. Eat that half, motherfucker. There you go. Eat that hat. Fuck it. I hate that I quit. I get all that up and now I have anxiety attacks. I don't even fuck. I just panic. I'm telling you. You should eat one of these tonight. I can't.

I can't. I go nuts. That's perfect. I don't show up. I become a prostitute in five minutes. No, who cares? I don't show up. I'll rob a store. I have no moral compass. No, if I take one pill, I'm fucking trying to rob a store or steal something. That's fun.

It is. When was the last time we really had fucking fun? Yeah, but that's what I'm saying. You ever think about that shit, ladies and gentlemen. It used to be robbing every place. Like, we fucking live with, like, even as adults. It's so uptight, man. Yeah.

Responsibilities bullshit. As children, we're, we're not. We ran scared of our parents. And as adults, we're scared to society. What's bad going to happen? We don't have fun no more. We didn't even take a chance after like 26. I did.

But a lot of people don't fucking kidnap people or have good times like that. Yeah. People don't have a good time no more. Sometimes you go home and go, wow. I can't fucking believe I did that. I don't do that no more. Yeah.

I catch my... Who are you? What do you? What do you do? What do you do? Oh shit. Cleo's a now. House and shit, ladies and gentlemen.

Oh shit. Cleo the International and shit. Smile, you dirty bitch. Uh-oh. Cleo's in L.A. and shit, smile. Dirty bitch, that's better than the ones out here that have poodle eyeballs and shits you assholes. She's beautiful, Cleo.

Dirty bitch. Dirty bitch this fucker. And I want to thank your beautiful girlfriend for bringing us the gift. Thank you. You're very beautiful. And here I was like, oh, that girl don't like the language. and shit. But you were here for the ride. Thank God, thank God, thank you. I can feel the heat coming from Lee's head right now as we speak. Right now, you know, like when you, you say that I could really wish I could hear what's going on. I can hear it. I can hear it through his fucking skull.

He's going, he's going, uh, I'll never be that happy. I'll never be that happy. Yes, you are. You're always happy. You taught me that when I'm around you I am because you fucking direct. You say your shit. You say you're shit. But I'm sensitive to the fucking... Come on man. What are people doing? Walking small, STD dogs. He was on little doggies. Could you get your poo off my lawn? Who talks

like that? Could you get your poo off my lawn? This was a guy. I said, say shit. Say shit. Could you get you pull off my lawn? I said, say shit. He goes, you want me to get your plastic bag? I said, is that what you would do? As a man? I said, say, shit. I'll get your plastic bag. And then he goes, now could you get it off my lawn? I said, you don't have a lawn. They don't have lawns

They're not lawns They're fake lawns They're fake suburbs And I live in this neighborhood They go It's a great neighborhood We have three restaurants That's two plus one sushi restaurant

There's nothing great about that It's nothing It's a boring fucking block You have a great place It has three restaurants It's so exciting It's amazing I think one place sells chicken

And it has special beers It has special beers It has kinds of beers It has special beers Oh they love that place Oh, those fucking Gentiles, they go crazy and that fucking place. Oh, that chicken place, they got the spicy chicken soup.

They got the sushi place and some other thing. That whole block, they hang out outside with their slippers. You know, getting fucking sun like somebody knows them. Drinking coffee. Talking about France and they never went there. Because everybody wants to be a fucking international. God forbid. We're not happy with ourselves.

It's the weirdest thing. You know, we get mad because jobs and they blame everything on the middle. The fucking Mexicans did it. The fucking Mexicans did it. What about when you call AP and an English guy answers? I ain't got nothing against English people. I'm just saying, see, when you hang out with an English person, it makes you smarter.

Right or wrong? You ever call some player, Joe's Garage? Good morning. Welcome to Joe's Garage. You're like, oh, fuck. I'm going to pay them more. They know another language. That's how we fucking think now.

You know, we have to be more. Oh, my God. God. And in England, they think the same for us. Fuck the English. If somebody like me answers the phone, what's up? Chip, Chip, hally ho. Cock suckers. Oh, my God. We're going down to buy those crackers at that fat fucking Cuban cell. These guys would be like, I wish I had your courage. Yeah.

If you go like, cock sucker, I wish I had your courage. You're away with words. What word? It's the truth. We're all cock suckers. Every one of us. It happened by accident. A chick is your tremendous blow job? You got a swap spit with her afterward, right? You're a cocksucker by proxy.

That's it. That's just the way it is. And if she blew the neighbor last night, guess what? You sucked his dick, too. So next time you see him wave, you know what I'm saying? What up, boo? Remember when you was? What's up, boo?

How you doing, boo? Look at the shape of you, cuck sucker. I had one and a lot. half of those and we're gonna eat one more half we can't you can't walk on one leg i can't walk at all right now what time is your flight 8 a m did you upgrade to main cabin select yet no it's a hundred 60 bucks it's at 2 o'clock you gotta call them six hours before the flight fucking takes off hasn't happened yet then but 2 o'clock you better stay up you can't even stay up virgin american you book the fucking main cat and then you upgrade the main cabin select for like 60 bucks it's like a

Oh, 60 bucks I would do. Whatever, but you gotta do it six hours before. Okay. Because that's when they're desperate. You can't call them two days before. Like, fuck you, who needs you? Not really, that virgin. Who the fuck needs you?

You have a new attitude. We have the queen. Wow. But if you call them six hours before, you bump up to Main Cabin Select. You don't even have to get up. You just press a button and the fucking store this comes over. That's class.

What's the main cabin? Like, first class? No, no, no. It's first class. Main Cabin Select. main cabin, then there's Expedia. Which one plays My Little Mermaid? What's that?

Which one plays my little mermaid? Which one plays? Which one plays my little mermaid? True Blue. Which one plays Brendan Fraser? Jet Blue. I'm not going. Jet Blue, you sit on there, you fucking watch TV.

Oh, Jet Blue is great. You felt like a piece of tuna. There's some place, you know, hey, listen, if you're going to fly, hit me up on Twitter. I'll hit you for the best places. You know what I'm saying? Just because, you know, I don't know you people, but if you want to fly, tell me, I'll scam me.

It's like, if you want to buy Coke. I don't do Coke no more. I'll send you to a good place. You know what I'm saying? I don't do coke no more, but I hear things. I'll send you to a good place. Where you're going to have fun. I don't want you to go buy coke at a boring place.

I want you to go see blood. If somebody laying there, I want you to have fun. Who, look at that man. He's bleeding. Keep going, keep going. What's rolled up in that carpet? Yeah. Remember that shit?

Oh, somebody went to college? You did drugs in the old days where you went to see some fucking tremendous shit. Yeah. I'm not getting coke in high school. My senior year in high school getting coke on 143rd Street, Amsterdam, and when we went there, the ambulances were there,

they had shot a guy, but the dealer was still out going, go to the corner. Yeah, yeah. What happened? I don't know, dog. The guy got shot. What do you want?

An eight ball, too? What do you made? Don't worry about nothing. I got another deal with you. Fuck them. Yeah. Tremendous, right? Yeah, it's weird.

I worked with a lot of, I saw a lot of bad shit, because I try. I tried going to NYU and it didn't work. I was trying to make a joke out of it, but I was a... I hustled for it because I didn't get along with my father. He was a dermatologist. You ever get molested by a dermatologist that can't work?

It's just getting fucked up. Sorry I touched that by accident. I mean, he said, I saw a lot of disease today, so it's testicle check time. And he said, I saw a gonorrhea. I was 12. What 12 year old has gonorrhea? And then I got the worst case in five years so I made it up to him. He got proud of me again.

I'm not even making jokes. Like, I saw a lot of bad shit from that. I don't know what I'm talking about. Go ahead. No, no, no, no, no. No, because I go on a podcast and I talk the fucking stories about the mafia and selling my dick and all that shit.

I don't care anymore. No, no, no, I like you. Like, there's nobody like him. I can't stand it. I hang out of the comedy store, which I like some of the guys. But there's no guys saying what they fucking want to fucking say. They go like,

they stand around and create business and go, well, I don't know, I think I'm going to take that word out of my act. And I think I'm going to take that word out of my act. If you're going to take that word out of the act, then I'll use that word in a different part of my act. And then they go on like, hi everybody. And he's fucking being himself. You don't see that anywhere anymore. That's right, motherfucker. But he's saying it.

And he creates images, fucking chickens with her eyes throwing it down. I miss that shit. No, yeah. Listen, man, man, that's all I got. It's all you. When you got felonies, That's all you got. Yeah, I know, I know. You got felonies, and you got your balls,

and you got your word, and whatever. Somewhere along the line, you know, you know, when you're a kid, you tell lies, but don't feel good. You know, and one day when you get older, you go, I'm not going to lie no more. Don't fucking feel good. And if you're going to talk about yourself,

say everything. Don't, you know, as we get older, we always talk about what people do to us. Now, when I went there, and the bitch threw a glass of water in my face, you know, you didn't tell her to suck your dick with glasses on or something, right? Oh, yeah, well, that happened.

Yeah. That happened, but... That's how the conversation started. You can never be fucking honest, you know? What a breath of release in my head, like to be fucking honest with yourself brutally about everything. You know, like I said, I claim responsibility for everything. If somebody gets hit by a fucking car in the back of my mind, I'm like, I did it.

And then I go, no, I was. And I was home last night. You know what I'm saying? But at least, you know, it just makes my life a lot easier now. It's fucking great. Are you married? Yeah. So you're like dishonest?

your wife? No, I tell my wife fucking pretty much everything. No, I mean you're dishonest. It came out as dishonest. Because I got dry mouth. Oh, no. No, but listen, because I'm this high. But wait a minute, wait a minute. I don't tell my wife I want to fuck the chick at the massage parlor. No, you can't do that.

I don't tell her that. You know, I saw some girl today she had a nice ass, but you know, I tell my wife, what the fuck? I tell her what's on my mind. Sometimes I see her face. She's from Tennessee. She's a Christian, you know? Oh, shit. And I see her eyes.

It's like, and she's like that fucking chick before she got the tape recorder. She's like, somebody's got to hear this shit. This is... I swear to God, I went on a flight with Tom Seguer when I got really fucking high. I got fucking black. It was one of those days with a marijuana.

No, I was flying. We had like a one o'clock flight, and I must eat an edible, and I was smoking pot, and I was doing bonnets. and by the time I got the Burbank Airport I was out of my fucking mind you know and I think I saw like

a fucking hot Chinese chick with a black fat guy I like where we started and I went fucking off right I'm like what the fuck what the fuck is wrong with this Chinese chick you know I'm saying

I was banging as she is she should have like a big yoke mandingo looking motherfucker not this fat motherfucker and I was saying this shit And I can see Tom, like his head was going to explode. You know, because you have these dark thoughts. We all have dark thoughts. Fuck!

I have dark, dark, fucking thoughts, man. Like dark. No, but it's amazing when you're in public and people are talking. Like, I was at the, you know what? You know what I really could snap? Do you want me to tell where I really have a problem? Like, I can see my, like, when I hear somebody takes a machine gun and shoots everybody, I don't understand it.

But for me, I get it, like at one place. The Farmers Market in Laurel Canyon. On Sunday, that place I've almost snapped there a couple of times because the bullshit level is so fake and so high. Then they have paparossies to fuel these assholes. What's your like? What's your like? It's just a bunch of fucking assholes.

So I just get as stone as I can and try to ignore everybody. But sometimes I can't, and I have that hidden voice inside of me, right? and these two guys walked in and these two guys were playing like they weren't gay but they were as gay as fuck but nobody had talked them into it yet like they were hanging out with each other to see who would talk the other one into sucking their dick first

like and I got tiramisu no and I got nothing against these guys I love everybody like that I don't give a fucking I got a cousin who's fucking gay and fuck came from Cuba to suck dick that's commitment right there

lives in Glendale with my uncle I swear to God gay and fuck, but he's not gay gay. Like, you know, when you see him, you're like, look at that man, he's just fucking gay, but I don't care. What's my fucking point? My point is... Who gives a fat shit if you're gay?

He gives a fat shit? No, it's true. Like, who gives a fat shit, but who gives a fat shit if I forgot? What the fuck I was talking about? What was I talking about? Oh, the farmer's market. So the guy said to the other one, I swear to God, the guy said to the other one,

oh my God, we're all of squash nuts or something like that like something somebody normal would never even think of ask ask the man behind the counter if he's out like to thwart like to thwart him like this is jeopardy you know there's people that go around thinking they're smarter than you and they try to fuck you know who those people are and you want to punch them in the fucking mouth and when you tell them that you're like what did you say let me ask you something how about i slap you in the fucking face oh no we were just kidding around ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha

And it was really funny one guy said something about like Oh my god we're all out or whatever and in the back of my mind I didn't know that they were listening But my inner self said too bad you can't put in your culo right like just like that Like just like that and the one guy was Spanish and they looked at me and I was like busted I couldn't say nothing It was my inner fucking thought that got me you know but and that happens but I wish it happened more but we can't let it happen can you imagine if it happened to all you people on a daily basis i do it sometimes i do it under my breath because i had a buddy growing up in jersey who did that like let's say he'd see some like i did it to you today we'd see some guy walking and he'd say it right

out he'd go look at the shape of this fucking dummy you know and and that's what you're thinking too you know like he'd see he'd see a fat girl and he'd go i wonder what that asshole smells like You know, like shit like that. That's not derogatory or a compliment. The first thought that really comes to your mind when you see somebody, from now on, tomorrow, soon as you wake up, I want your mind to take over. The first thought that comes into your mind. And you're going to see what happens.

You're going to twit me and go, Joey, you fucking scared me last night. That is fucking scary when you really digest that first thought. Like the other day I was at the airport. I got there. My flight was at what time? 5.55. out of fucking Baltimore. That means you got to be there at 4.55.

And I'm standing waiting on line. You know when you're the guy next, and there's always that one fucking cock sucker that wants to cut and ask a question that becomes something else? Well, some lady did it, and she had that nest in the back of her head like she hadn't taken a shower, you know what I'm saying?

And if there's anything that bought, Listen, that bothers me more than soy milk. That bothers me more than pineapple on pizza. And ranch dressing. I'll take out. I'll tell you what. I don't give a fuck. What's that?

Yeah, thank you, sir. But there's one thing that fucking irritates me is when I see a woman with her hair still fucked up, like she didn't shower. Like, I can't tell you what it does to me, dog. Like, I just... Tell me. Like, I can't fucking tell you what it does to me

because I can see a man not shower. You know, because we're filthy, fucking disgusting people. When I see a woman, and this lady was like 60, and she had like a rat's nest behind her head, and she was rude, like, excuse me, I want to know what's the next flight to Toledo, you know? And I'm like, when you take a shower, that's what the next fucking flight. When you wash your fucking disgusting asshole, that's what I said to myself.

I didn't say it out loud. When she looked at me, I'm like, good morning, you know what I'm saying? Because I'm a fucking pussy. That would be great. That'd be great yesterday when you take a fucking shower. Oh, I want it to so bad. Yeah, but I'm going to start doing it.

I do that way. Oh, I fucking that one. I see her so ladies, don't take offense. If we did that, LA would change. But you're too beautiful. God worked too hard creating that beautiful fucking pussy. You have to give it water in the morning.

Yeah. You got to give that motherfucker a little water. Not that it smells. I like pussy in the morning, personally. Just Uncle Joey, that patois. It's got that fucking, it's got that dust-a-dorn smell to it. You know what I'm saying?

I'll eat that motherfucker. like a weight watcher pie. You understand? I don't give a fuck. I'm a savage. I'm a real man. You know what I'm saying? But just in case you're dating a man

that don't like that dirty pussy in the morning that wants it to smell like Iris Spring. You didn't take care of. Well, you're making me want my wife again. That's beautiful. What's that? Me? When I wake up, that's the first thing. When I go home tonight, I'll wash my nuts.

And when I wake up, I'll wash my nuts. That's just what you do when you were... That's what Jesus did. He washed his nuts. And the most... morning. When they took Jesus out of that cave on Easter, after Mary Magdal and wiped his face,

he's like, you better wipe my balls, too. Because they're on fire. I've been on a cave with no circulation. They're bloody. What's up, Rick Shapiro, you bad motherfucker, you. Jesus was like a Jersey boy. Whatever. You know what I'm saying? He had a burlap, speedo. It happened, not hanging out.

He was hanging out, like, pray to it, bitch. Pray to it. Jesus just to go to a jersey shore. A lot of people don't know that here. Ask me a question. Ask me a question. Who cares, right? Are you happy? Are you happy?

You have a beautiful wife. I really dig your wife. You have a great wife. I love it. He's amazing. Behind every successful man there's a badass fucking bitch. And if you're a man

and you don't believe that shit, you better fucking check yourself. I know his men were like, fuck it, I got my mom. I don't need that hoe. Yeah, I didn't have that. He saved my life. She saved my...

careers he saved everything about me yeah i know i fucking know these things she did everything some motherfuckers walk around like me without my wife i'd be dead i don't how to fuck up i love you could just shoot me because i'm fucking retarded i'm like that guy the commercial everything in my life is a minute a phone call away can you wait 10 minutes i can't get a hold of my wife i'm one of those fucking morons i don't know combinations i don't know fucking codes yeah right i don't know nothing you know what i'm saying like she's fucking so i know you're very lucky so i know you're very lucky I know that you had some health problems.

You had a heart attack, and you've been married since then and you look good. You look beautiful. Yeah, yeah. You look beautiful. You're healthy. Thanks, man. That's nice.

You know? Wow. And who gives a fuck? Listen. I'm always surprised people care or know me. Who gives a fuck if you fell off and you eat some? Who gives a fuck? You know what I'm saying?

You're not doing that age you used to do. That's the real fucking thriller from Manila. Yeah, that's amazing. That's amazing. That's amazing. That's a little Chinese fucking powder. That shit comes with a spare rib and an egg roll. For $5 and next thing you know, you're in a fucking corner in New York nodding.

I don't remember that exactly. Well, whatever, you know what I'm saying? What do you remember, cuck, sucker? Not much. One memory. Oh. What time is you playing tomorrow? 8 a.m.

So you got to be that 6.30. Yeah. And you're flying Virgin American. And you've got to check on at 6.30. Yeah. You got to take an edible before you leave on the plane? I'm still going to be high tomorrow. Who gives a fuck?

Where are you sitting on the plane? Ro what? 20, 13, not good. Where? Like towards the back? Are you in the middle? No, no, no, no, no. I don't do middle.

Are you in the side? You sitting by the bathroom? No. Don't do that. No, I don't want to sit there. Are you bringing food with you? No, it's too early. So what are you going to eat on the whole flight

for five hours to fucking boss? I'll eat when I get to the airport. What are you going to eat at the fucking airport? I don't know. What do they have? There's nothing in there. fucking wing. That's fucked up about L-A-X.

Here's what's fucked up. If you fly American, you get dick. If you fly Virgin, you get dick. If you fly Southwest, they got fucking Papacitos, whatever that Mexican chain is, and you're all from running. If you fly Southwest, you're flying like a doctor. If I fly Southwest out of L.A.,

I get stoned as fuck on the way to Southwest, because I know there's a fucking payday. This is a McDonald's, but he can suck my dick. I'm across. From some of the best Mexican food in L.A. It's not a papacitos. It's, uh, what is it? Camacho.

Thank you, my love. That's why I love you. I know you don't drink coffee with soy milk, you dirty. I can hear it in your voice. You know, right? You know, right? I want to know if you do, you know. I want to know what people do.

Who drinks soy milk in front of all this he'd been saying? She drinks too much fucking class. You go like, I drink soy milk and I'm proud of it. I don't care if you drink it at home. I'm the Mitt Romney of soy milk. Listen. I'm all about the soy.

You want to drink that almond shit at your house? I don't give a fuck. Do it in the privacy your own home. No more privacy in the own home. Don't drink it. What I'm talking about is when you go to Starbucks, like lately, that fucking douchebag that fucking don't, don't

I'm not that guy. My point was before, I remember just now. You ever go to fucking Starbucks and they ask you like five questions right off the bat? That gets my blood pressure, fucking going early in the moon. Like, how can I help you? Can I get a coffee?

And all of a sudden they want you to think that's French. Like, what size? Large. Venti? Listen, whatever the fuck large is, okay? You do the translation? That's true. Then they ask you, do you want us to fill up to the top? I don't give a fuck. Just give me the coffee. Do you want to be part of the Starbucks club? I don't want to be part of affiliated with nobody, all right?

Some lady ran it and she goes, make mine a single shot. A single shot. And the other lady goes, make my money. a double like their fucking cowboys. I said he said a sheriff pussy and deputy fluffy pillow idiot consumer. Harry Potter reader Lord of the Rings renter Narnia going to her I wish I had her head hanging right here with blood dripping off her neck so I could

You know if you punch his Starbucks customer hard enough You can feel the years of Frappuccino gel around your fist as he drops to his knees And his yoga ponytail spins with serenity You gotta you gotta punch till you feel the spine A frozen Frappuccino around your knuckles or you ain't living. Just do it.

I'll tell you what. I dare when you want of you motherfuckers to go to Starbucks tomorrow. You guys will never go to Starbucks for about a week. You'll be in there.

I bet Joey's in here watching his shit. Him and Rick Shapiro around here somewhere about the choker motherfucker. I wish I could. I wish I could

bit slat somebody at Starbucks. Just like go around, have a TV show and smack somebody every day. Yeah. Like every day just one person And why'd you hit me? Listen You went to Starbucks eight times this week

That's 48 fucking dollars You understand me That's 200 a month on coffee You dumb motherfucker That's 2,400 a year on coffee You know what you could be doing For 2400 a year You dumb motherfucker

And then you realize how dumb we are Just to have that little cup That says because God forbid we don't have And we're not accepted God forbid if somebody sees this With a fucking cup that says Suck my dick Incorporated

I'm gonna make plastic cups and people to take it. He's not anal, it's ass fucking. Yeah, with a big dick on it in the morning. Fuck Starbucks, and you walk into your office. Oh my God, he's gone crazy, no. Yeah, yeah. I've gotten balls.

I'm taking it back old school. You're making Mr. Starbucks. You know how much it is for fucking a cup of coffee? It's 50 fucking cents. All of a sudden, we're paying six fucking dollars. And I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck anymore. I don't drink coffee out.

I go to Marie E.T. in Studio City. It's a dollar for black coffee that tastes like ass every fucking time. I don't give a fuck. I'm not one of those people. Sounds horrible. My wife and I could never do that.

We're from the sugar. No, I couldn't do that. I'm a screenwriter, producer. You sit around with somebody. Who is your coffee more robust? Listen, just give me the fucking coffee, all right? You go to a hotel now. You go to a nice hotel

to give you like an expresso machine with a black cup, a red cup. It's wonderful, wonderful. I don't understand. I don't feel like I belong here. Why confuse me? Who drinks the caffeinated coffee? Let me smack you right now.

If you drink the caffeinated coffee with soy milk on it, I want you to suck my dick after the show, all right? Because I guarantee my dick tastes like soy right now. It's 10.30 at night. At this point, it tastes like something bad. And you want to suck an 81-year-old dick.

Get back to me, all right? 81 years old tomorrow when you're stuck on a 405. And you hit the steering wheel and go, motherfucker, I'm sick of my fucking life. Think of suck an 81-year-old dick. Think of that. Think if you wouldn't get a fucking tape recorder to end it right there. You know, we saved that girl,

because if that tape recorder didn't work, she would have shot herself. Another three times a sucking that dick. Oh, my God. Sometimes I pee at night, right? and I got to circumcise so I don't shake it enough and like a little bit of pee

is stab my dick and like I'm watching Law and Order and I'll scratch it and the pee smells fucking horrific like Ah, you're a stallion I know I'm a fucking stallion But the fucking pee still tastes terrible and that poor girl

Now you like the taste That poor girl had a suck an 81 year old dick That's all I've been thinking about since Monday Fuck the racial slurs Fuck Donald whatever What did that chick fucking do after she sucked that guy's dick?

Milk? What are your face like when you drink milk and go? Isn't that what they do when you eat jalapenoes like those people? Oh my God. Drink milk, drink milk. D'ale leachie. What's up, Lysayat, you bad motherfucker? By the way, I had a respect for you guys being sold out.

Lysayat broke his own record tonight. He usually never ate more than one. He went for a one and a half Cheebo Chew Edible tonight. It feels good, right? Yeah, I guess. But like half of this amount would have felt just as good.

Is there a party you screaming to get out? Is there a party you screaming to get out? No, I'm okay. So it's great, right? It's fucking amazing. I miss all that shit. I got to live with my thoughts.

She... Oh, you know, you don't want to. I don't know what you fucking... She stole $2 million from him. You don't think that is worth it? Two million bucks. Who did he? His girlfriend.

How did she steal two million dollars? I don't know. They're suing it right now. How the fuck does she steal? His wife is saying she has two million dollars? How the fuck does she steal two million dollars? So I didn't as well as he was blowing him. I could, guys.

I met people like that. Guys, look, I love, I love naked women, you know. I'm a filthy animal in my mind, right? Like I... Yeah. But I'm not filthy, filthy. Like today I was coming home from the podcast late in the morning, and I saw some guy in front of me looking at something.

And I know the only reason a guy who driving would look like that, if it was a girl, when I looked over, it was a young girl. I felt like ramming him. I'm not that disgusting. You know what I'm saying? But we all like, you know, crazy things. But I never. I can't even fucking perform with a 40-year-old woman.

Never mind a 20-year-old woman. I would have a fucking heart attack. I couldn't take Viagra that's like cheating you know what I'm saying it's like taking steroids for your dick if you really think about it's the same difference I can never

I get a heart on but I couldn't last like that with a 20 year old like they'd talk about you gotta fuck them for an hour what an hour stop just put the Ramones on let it happen no it's not

even with the fucking Ramones unless the fucking one Ramon pushes and the other one sticks a finger up his ass at two minutes I just end I turned into a pumpkin at two minutes I just I just stop and freeze and just look at you for an hour what happened

I don't know what happened something happened do you feel anything I mean that's a fucking nightmare a 50 year old taking his shirt off or getting naked in front of a 20 year old I can never even do that I would have to fuck her with a

t-shirt on it. It's like going to Santa Monica, you know. I don't know. I don't know how guys could do that shit. And I sometimes you think about it. I can love to eat some girl's ass. It's 22. No, I wouldn't. No, I wouldn't. I'd be ashamed. Like, I was sucking. You know, there's these other guys that come, they come up to me, they're like, that girl's like a 20-ring. That girl's pretty, she's like an animal, an undiscovered animal. Like, she's pretty, what are they doing? You're a little young. She's a little younger. I feel like I should go up to him and be like, that woman's a little close to your age, man. That could be a lot of problems.

Like, he's going to want to get married, have a few kids. How are you? I go with a young girl. She's close to your age. She might have something in common. That's pretty dangerous. Don't she get it? Why would you worry about a guy who's with a young girl?

Why would you go like, you know, let me warn you. Let me warn you. She's a young girl. Why don't she be the guy who says, she's your wife who probably don't want to have kids go to college and you won't have any savings

and get the joke I don't know just I don't know what just happened I have no fucking idea but who am I to judge I don't fucking know thank you thank you I say fucked up shit too

you know what I was saying I have no idea what I'm doing here wonderful I've been doing bland podcast for fucking four years where they go hey yeah yeah I'm there I was in Montana.

Some side corner street club called Street Corner Side Club laughs. You go, Hey, Ray, Hey, Rick, Hey, hey, Rick, hey, hey, Rick, you always dress like that, Rick? You always dress like that? You have your own kind of style. You have your own kind of style. I don't picture you at Abercrombie.

I don't picture you. You know, like, for fucking five years. This guy makes you want to ramble and fucking live again. This has been a very unorthodox podcast to see. But at least you're seeing fucking cutting edge podcasting sometimes. There's no script here, people. This ain't fucking the Walking Dead Cock Suckers. The same breaking bad.

It ain't no fucking script here. It's just three guys talking 150 people. So your energy, our energy, we're creating something together. So fuck you, motherfucker. This is what the podcast is. There's no script. I don't have to fuck. and script? What were you people being

insulted if I had a piece of paper with glasses? Look at me. Fuck you. Take a chance. Columbus did. That's what it's about, man. You know, a podcast is radio on steroids. But it says here, Joe, it says here

that you apparently don't like to be interrupted. No, we don't like to I apologize. It says here that you can't curse and obscure objects and the people listening at home might be Christian, but we don't give a fuck. Because I respect Christianity, but we don't have time for that

shit. Everybody got sick and tired of hearing stupid radio, and they wanted to hear more. And that's why I don't mind burying my soul on that shit, because fuck it if not, you motherfuckers just listen to a radio station. Oh, so how long have you sucked dick for? 18 years. Do you have the hiv? I don't know.

What the fuck? You know what I'm saying? People, I could do that too. I I can interview girls in the morning. I can fucking pull over. This is a black hooker in Studio City. I'm going to get her on the podcast. In fact, I saw her last week. This is my proof right here.

I see it with my wife sometimes. I just wave at it because she's from the neighborhood. You know what I'm saying? She's a black hooker with a blonde wig like Little Kim. She's got to be 22, 23. All personality, all smile. She fucking picks guys up at Gelson's in Studio City. You'll see it.

When you go to Gelson's for lunchtime, what's this black chick doing in the fucking fruit section in this motherfucker? And, you know, people look at her weird. I don't give her a fuck if she's a hook. I'm going to get her on the podcast. Write that down. We've got to get that bitch on the podcast.

I saw her walking by the other day, but I'm embarrassed to go up to her because what if a cop is watching? No. They take your fucking car. Then I got to call my wife and go, no. I was going to ask her to be on the podcast.

sure you were you have to tell you're the mind of a journalist and you're curious and your mind is trenching and incisive and you've got to ask questions about the world or you're not doing your job as a podcaster that shit ain't going to work with LAPD you know what I'm saying I don't think that shit don't work with LAPD

they're going to pull you over say you were talking to her with my luck you know with the luck that we have that's how you have to assume I've been in these positions before where you're having a great day you're just going to do something and all of a sudden it turns into bad that's quick.

Now I've got to tell my wife and the podcasters that I was going to pull over to ask her if she could be on the podcast. Half of you like me but you go, Joey. Yeah.

You're saying? You lit the hooker's wig on fire. Yeah, it's like... Now you were just talking to her. Come on, guys. In New York, you can get into trouble just running down the bathroom having sex with a girl.

Out here, you do one little thing your whole life goes under. There's certain corners you can't go to. They're extra hot, the sun's beaming right into the soft spot of your brain. And there's a gorgeous girl that's a tranny at 40 but looks like a 16-year-old Mexican girl with extra lipstick and a tube top.

And I knew it was a girl. I knew it was. I knew it was. I'm not making a joke. I knew it was. I had my first fat guy. I knew it was a girl. And she's smiling to me. She's smiling to me. And I go, who else would be smiling at you? 3 p.m. in L.A. But a tranny.

But I said, no, you don't know what you're talking about. To myself. And I got her behind two SUVs because I know how to cheat on my wife. And I lifted her top and I went, I thought I'd be like, Henry, excuse my stutter, I'm in a hurry. Henry Miller, I've been able to sleep. I thought I'd be like I appreciate the differences

and nuances the difference but I'm not into it I'll see you but instead I went New New York owner I went like I said you're a fat guy

you're a fat guy you're just a fat guy and he goes yeah that guy's right that guy from New York really pulled my covers I'm a fat guy I got a wife and kids

at all I got a pizza weight and I got a good life what am I doing turning my dick into a pussy that's fucking fucked up I'm a fat guy I like it

but I really thought was an 18-year-old Mexican girl. Well, what I'm saying is L.A. can turn on you in a heartbeat. Like, all of a sudden, giant rats can steal your wallet or some, or you're stripped naked in the middle of the road, dragging your entail. No, I'm not kidding, man. I've got to do some trouble,

like heavy shit. Let me ask you people something. What would you do if we got surrounded right now by a bunch of people with white jackets and fucking rubber guns and shit and started shooting at us? What would you do? Why would you say that? Because they think, if anybody normal walked into this room right now.

And they watch us up here talking about what we're talking about. They would radio for help and say, you got to see this shit. This is wrong. This is wrong. You're horrible. You're horrid. That's the one one in the end of the day. You're horrid.

And they feel bad for the guy in the middle. Look at the guy in the middle. He's suffering. He's turning red. Look at the guy in the middle. There's something wrong. Let me ask you something. Lee, what's the first thing you do when you go home, Cogsucker? Pass the fuck out.

No, stop it, Cucksucker. What? I can feel you thinking about a pizza right now. It's coming through, like, little seizes. You're doing the math. You're even thinking about who's going to be open by the time I get home. You do that. You do that.

Tell me the truth. What are you going to tear up when you go home? Fuck, yeah. The lift guy will stop somewhere and I'll pay him extra. Tell me what you're going to eat when you go home. Stop bullshit me. Probably the only thing that's going to be open is pizza, I guess. And what kind of pizza you're going to get to them?

Pepperoni. Who he already knows. I told you. Who the fuck do people think you're dealing with? I can't hear him thinking about pepperoni. He was saying it. Pepperoni, I got a pepperon. That's something you should get mad about.

What? The only kind of pizza is pepperoni. Who else? Like, who else? Any other kind of pizza? Finally, finally. Lucidity on the show. You see, I got to deal with people?

Look at this shit. He's right. He's fucking ready. One fucking edible. He's giggling. Look at him. Look at him. It's all red in the face. Look at him.

Look at the shape of this guy. How happy do you think I am every morning when I get him? I give him an edible just for this. Look at him. He giggles up a storm. It brings me, I feel like 20 after I leave him. I'm like, it's all about it. I'm happy you motherfuckers came out tonight.

You know that? Wednesday night. You guys are amazing. You got to hear some crazy shit. I wish I knew where you guys were from. You look real. You look like fucking complex human beings. You're fucking look at people and don't go like...

Like in some clubs there's that hush before... There's a hush before the show starts. And watch your cell phones. And we're going to watch some tapes of Jim Gaffigan or whoever. And you'll be ready for a comedian. Before the comedian comes on, you'll be ready for the comedians by watching comedians. You know?

It's bullshit. You guys are like real people just... And he talks... I got to go on Tamarin, bourgeois pig. Buzwa's shithead, fucking gummy, I ran out naked the other night. I said, I've had it, Tamara in Pussy Land. I said, you have gummy worms. I look at a girl.

I go, how is your gummy fuck? You know? I don't give a shit. I don't give a shit. It's like, come on, man. Are the guys with the yachts? The only thing, they get, guys get tape recorded. Are saying you up?

But we got to be like, well, I'll wait until I get home and just do a bunch of tweets. You know, or I'll sit at a bar and admire some. some girl who, when the lightning strikes her face right, has the skull of an angry horse. You know? You know, it's an evil shit, man. You know, like a girl says, I'm changing my karma by watching my name is Earl.

That's what she fucking said. And you guys were thinking of staying home and watching the sci-fi network. Oh my God, the sci-fi network is fucking tremendous. Yeah? This is as real as it fucking gets, Rick Shapiro. Rick Shapiro's gonna have his own fucking channel someday.

24-7. Rick Shapiro TV. What was the guy watching when he jumped out the window? Rick Shapiro TV. He just jumped. That's a goal, I believe. He just jumped and shit. Just jump.

The dude was swagger. Lysayette, how are we feeling? I'm okay. So are you gonna go out? Anybody bring a bong with them to do bong? Lee. Lee wants to, listen, we're going to take Lee outside

after this. We're going to give you like 10 minutes, walk around the corner, get your pipes ready, bazookas, electric, fucking, any edibles you got, Lee'll take you on tonight,

you understand, man? Remember at the end of the fucking Chinese connection, Bruce Lee told him, I'll take on that many fucking Japanese in his house and shit. That's Lee tonight. He'll take on any Japanese

and then some. You don't give a lot. fuck popcorn whatever you got i don't take any heroin but i won't do it what's the last time you did heroin a good shot uh 17 years ago good for you you ever miss it you ever want to do a little fucking baboots yes i don't get it i'm like talking people i'd rather be back in the abandoned fireplace she's shooting it like like i lived on the street i was a prostitute i fucking i did women too I miss being obliterated, man I want to be obliterated

but I don't want to be like the guy who shows up for a sandwich job like I smoke just enough pot I'm good for the day you know I want to be so wrong that it makes people who are right go

God please make me wrong you know like I want to kill Wright you know that's why I can't even drink because I walk around in the middle of the street when my socks pulled up going I want to kill Wright I want to kill right

so it's working for you huh Rick This heroin thing? Yeah, I make a lot of friends. Can't you see him? They're hanging from that clock that isn't there. I can make a joke out of it. I can make an easy joke out of it, but I just want to tell the truth.

Come on, anybody missed the shit they used to fucking do. I used to fucking eat ass. I fisted. Because it's exploration. I'm not bringing bowling balls or heavy metal ring. It's beautiful. And guys go like, oh, Jesus,

oh, God, oh, God, oh, God. I only do anal. Like, girls, stop fucking guys who say anal. Only fuck guys who call it ass fucking. You know, because if you're, how's the guy going to do anal? Like, I'm doing anal. I'm doing anal.

I'm careful. I'm very cautious. You know, you know, you can at least trust my cautiousness. It's like, no, wreck the room. Wreck my ass. Wreck my head wedged between the mattress and the wall, my fist up in the air and fisting me

like a jackle and crystal meth. Like, it's exploration of a girl's ass. But then you get guys go up and go like, Rick's pretty rough about the ass. No, I'm gentle. I start with, you know, one finger and all that shit. And I'm not doing bits. Some of them are bits, but it's just talk, you know, experience.

You know, you ladies went out tonight hoping that your boyfriend. Wouldn't even bring up the asshole tonight. You're like, hopefully he won't bring it up until Saturday night. I got a couple tequila's in me. Oh, that's beautiful. You should describe it to me. No, because I'm alone a lot. Are you guys cutting a side deal here?

What kind of shit is this? This is Pasadena. They got tough laws for that shit up here. Oh, yeah, Pasadena. I forget where I have. They'll fuck you up here in Pasadena. You can't smoke on the street, but you can fist fuck with no heavy metal rings. I mean, it's like you ever see the sunset on the Colorado Grand Canyon?

It's beautiful, the hues and purples and all that. That's what an ass does when you do that shit. It shifts. No, but it's really, it shifts. And the girl responds, to see a girl respond. They made a stigma with fist fucking. I'm not kidding. To see a girl respond, a girl who would never say this says,

oh my. Who would never say that is amazing. Oh, my. You know, she's fucking 18th saying, oh my, like she's a cocktail dress, Susan Sontag type of person. You don't know her, but it's like on a he's knit without the hammock. People tonight, you're seeing a complete different realm of entertainment. You people...

I'm never liked it. If the Twilight Zone had a podcast... I'm never like this. This would be the fucking episode that they were there tonight. What do you say? What is he say? Fuck the dummy that came to life. Fuck the Chinese piano player.

Fuck all those episodes. Chinese piano player. Tonight. Stop with that fucking flashlight there, ladies. Alright, whatever that is. Fucking Alexander Graham Bell is rolling in his grave because of what they've done to a fucking phone.

You understand me? When do we have an episode about an Asian piano player? Listen, what's with the questions? What the fuck? What you do is you go home, you're typing Wii TV, Channel 20. Okay. Comes on at 1.30 every fucking night,

the Twilight Zone. Or the guy that had the glasses, remember Mickey from the Rocky? He played the episode where he had the glasses and they got locked into the library and at the end the glasses broke and he had all these fucking knowledge.

You guys got to watch that ship but you're too busy. Watching modern family, whatever the fuck you watch. Seriously. That's the handler. Bullshit. If this was a fucking,

tonight, in 2050, one night you're going to be old and they're going to have some guys and they come out tonight. The Twilight Zone. Podcasts, and they're going to flip to this fucking podcast right here from me to Rick Shapiro to fucking Lee sitting there

look at him he's the pilot he's the pilot he's just fucking sitting there he's hoping this show don't last this show just lasts forever because he doesn't really want to get up he can't he's sitting there going Joey keep going I can't do it I don't give a fuck fuck these people

where's Dave Chappelle get in here But I'm happy you came out, Rick Shapiro. This was a great show, man. Thank you, thanks. You guys were great. Like I said, you know, I'm happy you guys think outside the box and came to support this tonight. You're seeing there's no written. A lot of people stay home with the ice hat.

It's not like I called Rick and said, I want you to fucking kill me tonight. You know what I'm saying? I want you to call me up and fucking kill them tonight. This is what we're going to talk about. Let's rehearse. There was nothing. You know, these fucking things are real. She's no, you know, she's no plant in the audience, motherfuckers. These are real, you understand me?

220 milligrams of the tree. What, what, what, what, Lee, what, cock sucker? What? What's up, buddy? When are you coming back from Boston? Saturday night. When are you putting this podcast up? Not tonight.

You'll be so fucked up. Can you do it now? Can you do it now? Can you do it now? Because I need it for my career. I'm going away I'm going away tomorrow Can you cut a reel for him He needs it for his agency

He needs to send it Yeah I want to put him on a TV show Based on this fucking podcast Tonight Yeah exactly I need to describe it He's going to send this to fucking Fox And they're going to go

We'll call you back in two days We're going to put you on a special fucking show But we're going to give it to Jim Norton's We're going to give it to fucking anybody else But us Anybody else but us Do you guys need time alone?

Who? No, if I started getting that Jewish feeling, I go like, I should get out of here now. No, no, no, no. Well, good. I'm happy you guys came out tonight. One more time, Rick Shapiro. You guys are fucking real.

You guys are the shit. One more time, Lee side out. You're the leaders. Thanks for that. And I'm Joey Dears. You guys agree. Thank you very much for coming out tonight.