The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - The Church Of What's Happening Now Live #12

Episode Date: May 29, 2014

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt are joined again by Comedian Ari Shaffir for a great live podcast.  Recorded live on 05/28/2014 in front of a live audience. 

What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? I love it. Wednesday night, you got on the 134, you said, fuck it. We're going to take our chances into the Twilight Zone. Fuck it. Thank you very much for coming out. Everything's all right.

Memorial Day, fucked up, holiday. Fucks up the whole week. You wake up for Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday. And then what it is Tuesday? Fuck, that shit went quick. Quick. That holidays go fucking quick now. It's Saturday.

You get up, you get drunk, right? Right? You get high, whatever. It's nighttime, the UFC. You go to bed, boom, it's Sunday. Next thing you go to church. You got a suit on, you're kissing people. You're asking yourself

why the fuck you're there. You're going to go to church. You're like, what the fuck am I doing here? I don't give a fuck about this shit no more. That was... Fuck these people. These motherfuckers don't know dick about dick and shit.

You really do. That's a fucking awakening. That can happen anyway. You could be in the sushi place. How many fucking pounds of fish am I gonna fucking eat before I die? It's over. I'm going back to pork chops.

It's over. How are you, sir? What's happening? Everything? All right, what's going on, Tarzan? What's happening? Everything, all right? I'm happy you're here.

You guys are fucking young. A lot of young people, and I gotta tell you something. When you get older, it doesn't get weird. Shit just gets fucked up. Like ever since I turned 50, like, who has a kid at 50? Only an asshole like me. For years, I would watch, like, oh, this 54-year-old guy, and I would look at him like, you fucking moron.

You had a kid now, you fucking moron. This is your glory. This is when you sling dick. You take Viagra, you buy a corvette, right? You tell you wife. to go fuck herself you're taking the money you're fucking a 21 year old you bought a tits already fuck it's over she don't speak english you don't give a fuck anymore no not me i knock my wife up you know i joined jujitsu who joins jujitsu when they're 51 only a fat fucking moron like me

fucking people you can join jitsu when you're 20 people beat you up you go home you have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and you're back you know i'm saying i roll one out I'm done for a fucking week. My hip hurts, my neck smells like ass. That's... You ever get like a jujitsu? You get somebody's ass on your neck, and you don't care because it's a jihitsu until you get in the car. You're like,

fuck. Somebody had their ass on my fucking neck. What happened to me? What happened to me? What the fuck? I'm paying the people to put asses on my neck. That's fucked up. I got to back the car up. That's fucked up.

And I'm wearing some fucking costume like a fucking, like a, like a Mexican, a Benihana. You see how to, you know, if you got to Benihana, there's no Japanese people left. They're all Mexicans. They're like Mexican actors from Telemundo and shit. Bowen and shit trying to pull it all. By the time you get to your table, you're like,

he's not Japanese, he's just fuck. Only the Japanese host, that's it, they trick you. Only the host, when you walk in there, she's got the sandals. How many? But then after that, you're in fucking El Segundo. You know what I'm saying? Once you get to the table, they're throwing knives. That's a Mexican dog.

The knives are sticking to the ceiling. It's fucked up. It's fucked up. You know what's fucked up? Me. I'm fucked up. Did I tell you people that? I had a chiboteu. I'm sorry. That was prosciute from the back. Sometimes you got a piece of ham in your tooth

and you ain't got floss. You know what I'm saying? You ain't got fucking floss. What are you going to do? It's all right. So, all right. So forget about the jih jihis. Forget about having a kid at 51. Here's the beauty.

So one day I'm driving on my own business. And my stone, whatever. You know what I'm saying? It's like 3.30. I'm fucking gone, okay? And the phone rings and you press the thing, beep. And all of a sudden somebody talks to you.

Mr. Diaz, hi, this is Kaiser Permanente. Now, I got two insurances. I got my wife's and I got mine. But I never talk to Kaiser. That's my wife's insurance. I don't talk to those fucking people. But they got my number, right? Like, Mr. Diaz, hi, it's doctor

fucking what? from Kaiser, we need to speak to you, urgent matter. Do you have time? Yeah, go ahead, drop it on me, Doc. He goes, listen, once you hit 50, answer it, you fuck. Once you hit 50,

tell him you call them back after the fucking show. When you get on the 134, I'll call you back on the 134. So, you know, sometimes you're driving, you mind of your own business, a good song comes on, you know, a fucking journey, whatever, you're fucking singing. Then love free to time, whatever.

That sounds like a Chinese. That sounds like a Chinese song. What the fuck? Up your game, Joey, you ain't. You'll never win on that game. How about a big round of applause for the waitstaff? Look at them. Smoking tonight, this shit.

Looking better than ever. When was the last time you see a girl serving drinks with a fucking ponytail, motherfuckers? She's hot, she's beautiful, she's a savage. I love these, I love the wait staff here. They don't fuck around, you understand. Anyway, so I'm driving. I'm a little stoned, right?

What's happening, Prima? Everything alright, good to see. I'm a little fucking stone. Where you've been? What happened? What the fuck happened? I love you. Thanks for coming out. You sexy motherfucker. Look at you. It's Wednesday night. You're banging out the cleavage.

You're ready tonight, aren't you? Usually the tits come out on Thursday. You said, fuck it. These motherfuckers can't wait. You know what I'm saying? I dumped a boyfriend. It's all over. I'm getting my titty sucked again of the shit. Remember the first date?

We suck your tithies and we go home with that tit-brat, like, tastes like perfume and fucking cotton and shit. You're like, man, I'm thirsty like I'm motherfuck. Right or wrong, what's the last time you got your tithy stuck? Just some guy sat there on his hands and knees sucking your tithes. Wouldn't even touch your monkey. You're like, what the fuck's this guy waiting for? I want to save it for the right night.

Tonight was the night jerk off you. You're fucked up an opportunity, you know what I'm saying? You're sucking the tities. You take it away from there. You don't stop. Fuck it, I'm going back to the fourth grade, you know what I'm saying? Sometimes this weed tastes your back. You never suck tits in the fourth grade, remember?

Think, think, think, closure. I suck Debbie Dominguez tits. I gave her a quarter, right? Listen to me, right? I gave her a fucking quarter. And it was the first grade. I was going to school at PS-166. I've never forgotten.

She was Puerto Rican. That's why I don't like Jennifer Lopez, right? She let me suck a tit at the playground under like the monkey bars But she did it with like a record Remember the records had a hole in the middle? So I gave her a quarter I sucked the tit and I went home like with a red face You know what I'm saying?

You all home like my mom's like what happened to you don't want to know You know what I gave a chick a quarter she sucked my tit you know what I'm in the first grade What's happening? Debbie Dominguez She had like 18 fucking brothers, but I got away with the tit suck, and I stopped there. I was six, too.

Don't fucking go, ooh. If you're six and you suck a girl that's six tities, that's okay, you know what I'm saying? If she's six and you're 20, we got a fucking problem. But if you're six and she's six and you want to suck a tities, you know. I don't think there's a six-year-old

that'll suck a dick. There's no fucking way. Will you convince a little girl to suck your dick for a quarter under the fucking monkey bars. If you have, speak now or forever. Hold your fucking pee. Because that would have been too much

for me to get my dick suck in the first grade. I would have never been the same. I would have grown up to be a perfect. So, all right, let me finish this because I got a good show tonight. I'm driving, and this guy says to me, well, Mr. Diaz, you know, I don't know if you know this.

When you get to your age, you have to do a certain test. And I go, what test? He's like, so we'll send you a cup. and you have to put feces in it and mail it back. And I'm like, all right, fuck it. Who is this? And, you know, why are you fucking with me at four in the ass? You know I'm fucking stone. I don't need this shit. At 10.15, it would have been funny, you know what I'm saying?

But it's four. You want me this shit in a cup? And I just hung up on the guy. I fucking, I got in the one-on-one in traffic. I ain't able to put up with that nonsense. Shit in a fucking cup. I'm an adult, right? Nobody calls, and I thought about it. So I didn't even tell my wife. Like I went home and didn't say nothing about Kaiser calling me and wanted to shit in the cup. So, about three weeks later, they got another call in the morning.

They throw me off completely. I'm like, hello, Kaiser here. We sent you a cup. Did you shitting it and mail it back yet? And they didn't say shit. I'm sitting there going, are you fucking serious? I mean, are you? And they're like, yeah, when you get to the age of 50, you want to examine your shit then, and when you're 58.

So you're just shitting a cup and mail it in and we'll take care of the rest. And I'm shit in some weird fucking places, you understand that? I've been thinking about the weirdest place I have his shit. The night Freddie Prince got shot. That's how old I am. The night Freddie Prince got shot, not junior. I don't know what happened to him. That's a good joke right there.

I'm talking about fucking senior. The night Freddy Prince Sr. got shot. I was like a young kid. And it was the dead of the winter, like January. And I was uptown. And I walked home and had a shit. And it was really cold. So I cut through the projects.

And there was a hole through the fence where you cut into the cemetery. So I found the grave from like 1898. I was a Catholic. I wasn't going to shit on a fresh grave. I'm a Catholic, I believe in that shit. 1890, you ain't got no relatives. Nothing's going to happen.

It was fucking freezing out, so I pulled my pants down. And I shipped. I left my dick in the jeans. So I pissed in the jeans. And it was like three below zero. So when I got up, the pants were frozen. And I had to walk home, like the tin. They're fucking walking dead, right? You know, because that's the only way you can legitimize in your mind

shitting in a cup at 50. You're like, it's bad, but I've done worse. When I went to prison, I shit in a cheese box. There was his biker dude that used to get on my fucking nerves. And I worked in the kitchen. You know, the government cheese? I took the cheese out and I shit in the box. It was perfect.

And I took an American flag like for hors durs, and I put on this... And I put it in the... And I put it in the... draw and I left it there for like three weeks and then when you would walk by he's like excuse me come in here for a second smell my room you smell nothing nothing and finally one day he found it was all crinkled up it was like a dinosaur it was like it went from like nine inches to like two inches the American flag had crumbled it was

nothing it was just a toothpick nothing it was done so I said fuck it I was shit in the cup but then I couldn't find the cup so fuck it, that's it, I left. So I never had to take shit in the cup. And then last week I went for a physical, the doctor's like, oh, by the way, but this is at my insurance. He goes, when I finish, he goes, by the way, you got to go for a colonoscopy when you're 51

where they shove a camera. I don't know where. On your pee hole, when you're dick, and your asshole. You have to pay somebody to knock you out because of the pain. And I'm like, wait a second. Listen, ain't nobody knocking me out

and putting something in my ass, you understand? That's no way. I want a film, I want something. I don't trust nobody, because I'll tell you what, if you pay me 200 to knock you out and put a camera up your ass, I'm gonna finger you, I'm gonna do something, you know what I'm gonna do something. I'm gonna do something, that's a... I'm not a pervert, but you gotta do it, even though. So on the way out, he goes, and by the way, you gotta do another test,

we gotta shit and mail it in. And I go, fuck, I thought it was a joke, and he goes, no. And he gave me an envelope, because you gotta eat the proper foods for three days. then you got a shit, then you got to scrape it. They give you like a spoon. Like one of those sample spoons from like brick oven beanery. What's the name of the blood, the ice cream? I swear to God, and put it in an envelope and mail it.

And listen, I ain't doing it. I ain't doing it, all right? They want to send somebody over to take it out of the toilet? Go ahead. It's not a joke there. I'm just telling you about my week. You want jokes, you got to come later. This is just...

I'm telling you about my fucking week, people, all right? What the fuck? This is what I get torn with, you know, taking the shit in the cup. You know how hard that is? You know I'm fucking crazy? I take a shit anyway. I love all that stuff. When I was a kid, I'd take a shit in a bag, and you light it on fire, and you ring somebody's

doorbell, you ever do that? Nobody. You people didn't have fun as kids, didn't you? Fuck you motherfuckers. You don't know what you missed, when you light something. You ring their doorbell, right? You put the bag of shit in their front step. So when they opened the door, they're like, what?

Special delivery? And they look down. And there's a bag on fire and they step on it and then they shit in their feet. What the fuck? Now they gotta walk back in the house with slippers but shit in the slippers, you know. And they scooping and mail it in, you know what I'm saying? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. See, I'm always thinking.

You motherfuckers didn't know where I was going with this. You motherfuckers forget I'm a Cuban Jew. When you're sleeping, I'm creeping, you know what I'm saying? When you're sleep and I'm creeping, cock suckers. Speaking about Jews, this is my favorite one fucking, where is he? The flying Jew, Mr. Lee Syak. Get up here, Cogsucker. Take your time.

Well, you freak me out. I'll usually open the show, and then he didn't tell me anything. I didn't even fucking know. I didn't know. Listen, why are you fucking with me? It's after 4.30. You know the deal. What happened to Benny Hahn?

You've been pissed about it for like two weeks. Listen, when I go to Benny Holland, when I go to any restaurant, people, I'm a fat fuck, but I take my tradition seriously. You understand? And I expect the same from people. When I see a restaurant, it says, Korean, Chinese.

You got to pick a country with me. Either you're Korean or Chinese. I can't have two people in the kitchen, and one of them throws curry on my chicken. I'll fucking snap. You understand me? I'll shoot every fucking nationality in there. So before that happens,

I like to deal with straight-up people. If I want a fucking Papusa, I'll go to an El Salvadorian fucking restaurant, correct? That's tradition. I'm not gonna go to some Chinese guy in the corner that sells papooses. I don't give a fuck if he got nine mouths to feed. Make pork fried rice, I'm in.

When I want a fucking green chili with chicharone burrito, I go to a fucking Mexican joint, right? Whatever. That's tradition. That's why. That's fucking why I don't go to Benihana because they got fucking Mexicans making Japanese food. I don't like it.

You should have seen it. We went to Austin a couple weeks ago, and we got there, and the driver was like this Army Ranger guy. He looked all, like, impressive in his suit. And you asked him where to eat nearby where we were. And he told you, like, this one place was, like, a mixed, like, a Chinese Mexican, and you just started going off a,

I don't go to mixed flags. And he's, I don't go with his mixed flags in the kitchen, Cocksucker. And this guy was, like, the nicest Mexican guy in the world. He liked that place. I don't, man. Don't confuse me. Pick a fucking flag and I'm all in.

What about Magianos? What do you think about that place? I wouldn't fucking go to that place. That's the worst Italian food. That's the first place I went to when I see Italians killing themselves. Just leaving notes and stabbing themselves in the fucking eyeballs. That's how bad that is. The one on the grove, that one you're talking about?

Yeah. We're shit blood for a month. That one? There's just some food that's fucking bad, man. I went to Bucca de Pella with Paula and you like yelling I yelled at me for like 10 minutes. Yeah, sure. I yelled at you and your asshole yelled at you too.

At midnight, when you got fire and guts coming out and an intestine and shit. And your wife's like, my stomach hurts. Yeah, but I brought the coupon. I don't give a fuck. There's some places where you go and there's some places where you just don't even fucking look at, okay? The fuck is wrong with you. You know, pick the right plot. You got to, you know, it's like this hummus recall.

Yeah? I bet you ate hummus the next... I did. I did. I don't buy that rats. I don't buy that trade of Joe's. Who gives a fuck? It's the same guy stepping on grapes and garbanzos. Maybe you got a fungi toe. Did you ever think of that? They don't make hummus with their food. What's wrong with a fungi toe, bitch? What? I got one. It's fucked up. It's the fuck. You got to get me upset about food and mixed races. You know, that's what's just drives me fucking nuts. You know what I'm saying? Not mixed races, but mixed kitchens. Don't confuse me. You know what I'm saying?

If you're black, you're black. You never see a black Chinese kitchen. They don't fucking handle that shit, black people. They wouldn't go for that shit. If you're Mexican, you come in there, listen, bro. My tacos ain't selling. Let's put our shit together. Fried chicken and tacos.

Fuck you, Paco. Andolet. It's all over. Black people are black people. You never see them mixing food with nobody because they know they wouldn't get the same amount of fucking people coming in. What kind of food do black people make?

You know, fucking macaroni and cheese, barbecue, soul food, the green stuff, the grits, the other shit, the leaves with like a chicken neck in it, that's what they fucking make, I don't know. What am I now? Fucking Anthony Bourdain, cop-sucker. All of a sudden, I hang out in black neighborhoods and eat shitlins and shit.

You know, I don't eat that shit. You know, it's tough, it's tough. And I'm a fat fuck, I eat at home. But, you know, if I get sick one time, I'll never fucking eat your food again. there was a little taco guy in the corner from my house. I ate this fucking tacos every Friday night. Eight, nine of them.

Ten of them. A professional. You understand me? I don't show up. Give me two tacos. Are they gluten-free? Tortillas. I tell them. I'll fucking pile that shit on there. I don't give a fuck. Goat meat, cabesa, langua. Put that motherfucker together. Remember that time that white lady showed up and was, like,

angry about 50 cents and change? And you and the taco guy just started making fun of her. like to her face in Spanish you started yelling at her fuck yeah the guy's out here feeding the family no fucking license he don't give a fuck cops every time the cops go by

they got a duck they gotta make believe they're Mexican statues and shit they work for the fucking 50 cents they're 50 fucking cents they charge you a dollar for those fucking no license tacos

and they're delicious they're fucking those hot dogs How good of those fucking disgusting hot dogs with the bacon around them with the onions and the pepper at three in the morning when you're fucked up that's like a Mexican white castle

that's what that is that's Mexican fucking white castle while you're eating it you're like I'm gonna die but you don't give a fuck it's like eating a crack hose pussy you know you're going down but it's five in the morning

and this is yummy it's yummy for your tummy go yummy go yummy A little yo-gab-mabab in there for the fucking people. Right? You could eat a fucking, every guy in here. Somebody could come up to if a bitch is hotter and fuck.

At four in the morning, you all fucked up. And they're like, bro, she just fucked 18 guys. You would still look at her like, fucking, I'm taking that bitch down. 19 is my lucky number. You'll be eating the ass, taste of, ah, fucking. I don't give a question. fucking shit. I had a sore throat anyway.

I had a sore throat when I got here, his shit. You ever go on a date, you eat a pussy, you got a sore throat, you don't know whether he should call it back. What do you think about Michael Douglas to his wife? What happened? When Michael Douglas said he got cancer from eating his wife out? That's disgusting. That don't happen. If anything, the pussy juice cures the cancer. I had a friend who was blind. He got pussy juice in his eyes.

He's shooting people in Iran with that one-iron. Listen guys, this is like going to your uncle's house. And he gets fucked up and you don't get fucked up. And he just makes a fool out of himself in the living room. This is what you're witnessing right now. Is your retarded uncle and his buddy who just got out of prison? They come to your house for Easter. You're like, what the fuck happened?

He used to be all right. He went to USC. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Seriously. just asking, you know, and the same thing goes other way. Sometimes you've got a healthy woman, she sucks the dick, the next day you call that out. And they will never tell you I sucked a bad dick. A woman would never cop to it. A guy will cop to it.

I had a friend once I called him. He's like, I got a sore throat. I go, you eat some bad pussy. How'd you know? I know. I've fucking been there. We all got a bad batch from time to time. You got to go home? Eat a fucking tuna sandwich and you're back. We're family. We're family. What the fuck, ladies, you know.

Sometimes women lick a bad nut, and it's bad, you know what I'm saying? The nuts got something on it and, you know, that's funny. You ever find something weird on your nuts? Tell me the truth. On it? No. I mean, my nuts and smell bad. When you're taking this shit, you don't look around.

Yeah, but what am I supposed to find on my nuts? I don't know. Maybe there's an ant and you look at it. I don't know. I don't fucking know a beauty mark. What have you found on your nuts? I found a beauty mark about 10 years ago. A beauty, what's a beauty mark?

I don't know. It was like a brown spot. I don't give a fuck. I looked the other way and cough. Everything was good. You know what I'm saying? I think that was shit, Joey. There wasn't no shit on my fucking...

You think I go around fucking people in the muffler? That's not my strategy. Yeah, you do. I can never do something. I talk that guy. I can never fuck somebody in the ass. I can think about it. I talk a bad game.

I'll fuck in the ass. If you opened up your ass and said, shoot that missile in here, I would fall apart. Like, I gotta go. I gotta sit in 15 minutes. They're calling me from the ice house. I think that's disgusting.

That's like, I did it a couple times. It's disgusting. That's like a power move, you know what I'm saying? Let me fuck you in the ass. And after you're finished, you're like, what'd I do that for? I just terrorized the poor girl, you know? Just to satisfy this macho fucking stupidity I have inside.

Then you'll never fuck a woman up the ass again. You'll think about it, Nah. Not tonight. I've recovered from that shit. All right. Where's my guest tonight? One of the baddest Jews I know.

My brother, another fucking... I only got Jewish brothers. That's how you got to act in this world today. If you ain't got a Jew and your family, you're slipping. You know what I'm saying? Your sister shows up with a Filipino. I don't know what to tell you.

You know what I'm saying? Take her in the clod. You got to bring a Jew first and date the Filipino on the side. My brother, Mr. Ari Shafir. What's happening, baby? What's happening? The fucking international traveler.

Yeah, I'm about to go to China. So it's official? Yeah, I'm going on June 8th. They had a revolution in one part of the country. So did you get the consulate already to approve of today? No. So you got to go back on Friday? I got to go back tomorrow.

So you got two weeks to make this fucking happen, guy. Yeah, I might not. Huh? Might not? Well, why don't you hire an attorney? Why don't you pay an attorney a nickel to cut through the paperwork for you? But how do I find an attorney? That sounds like a lot of paperwork.

Cohen. What? Cohen. Just call it Cohen. Cohen. You call one attorney and he'll direct you to somebody else and he'll get it done for the extra fucking nickel. You've got to stand on line like a mutt. What's a nickel?

500. I know that. Put it on your visa card. It's a lot of money. $500 on a stand in line? $500. You stand in line with people sweating. That fucking, you know, I got to go sweat.

You ever smell that shit? If one of them don't put the odor on and it's over. They always keep the air on that 74. I don't know if that's a fucking man. magic number. I live in Burbank. I'm walking around at 103. I weigh 300 pounds. Nowhere is that 70 fucking 4 degrees. Kick that motherfucker down to 50. You want to be in the government office? Everybody's sweating. They're all upset. Next. Hi, my name is Ari Shapir. I'm going to China in June 8 to do comedy. Really? What paperwork do you have? I have my license. I have my passport.

I have my birth certificate. I have my TRT paperwork. They look it over and they go, where's you? I don't know, but... You're like, what, pa-p-la-p-p-pap-da-pap. And they'll go, you pop-da-pap-da-pap. You gotta send 25 hours and get that, and that takes 10 days. It takes 10 more days to send out. You're not gonna make your motherfucking trip on June.

That's how they were. And then you're gonna go, what? I didn't know. Nobody told me. I stood in line. Fuck the TSA. Fuck the Chinese. Fuck the cut.

And you're gonna end up in fucking LA County. And they're gonna fucking the jet in the ass. And then you're not gonna have direct TV. And they're gonna show you that. This is what happens when you go to the consulate. You should have stayed home watching direct TV. All right, so you go, you call Cohen, you go calling. I got a problem.

I'm leaving June 8. I got a ton of fucking shit on my mind. I got to get my paper. I didn't know this. A couple years ago, somebody wanted me to go to Netherlands or Amsterdam, and I started fucking around calling people. I got a buddy who said, listen, dog, I'm going to help you out. There's an office on Wiltshire.

You go down there, you're paying $275. and they'll get the thing for you in 24 fucking hours. No paperwork, you do all the paperwork that you stand on, 275 to get you all the paperwork done. You did that? And you're on your phone. Well, when I went down there, they typed my name in when it almost blew up, you know.

They said we can't do it. We need like 27,500 because we got to bribe fucking Australians and Jamaicans and we've got to get the plane back from Malaysia to fly you over there and that. Where's that fucking plane? Oh, yeah. looking for that plane where's the fucking plane there's got to be one

Malaysian in this motherfucker that knows starting to get pissed off you know why those Americans were on that plane why hookers I'm telling you that's it that's why they went there that plane was filled with houlinism that plane smelled like soy sauce and yin yang juice and they were listening to me so horny in that motherfucker and a bunch of girls are dancing fucking kids flying Ryan, white guys throwing singles, teeth in the air. It was a fucking party and shit. And the pilot said, fuck this.

I want a sore throat tomorrow. Send one of those Malaysian skanks back here. And the plane went down. And that's what they... They got the tapes. They got the tapes. Me so horny. Answer, answer.

Fuck you. I'm getting my dick suck. My dick sucks is the divorce. Do they have hookers in China? They have hookers in China? No, that's where they invented fucking hookers in China. I know it's big in time. You can get on the line right now,

get on some web page and say, I want a 19-year-old with a tight fucking monkey, little tithies, Chinese to no fucking acupuncture, Tai Chi. I wanted to have those rocks to pull the fucking nutrients out of my feet, and I wanted to be able to make twice cooked pork. I want her.

How much? Pay $20,000, and within seven days, UPS is dropping her off. Where do I sign? You don't. Even the UPS guy knows. He's got like eight other ones in there yelling. This ain't college.

Let me out. Let me out. I'm suffocating. 20,000. You could fucking order one of those fucking chicks from some other country. I don't know about this. I'm just...

I bet you could. I bet you could. No, I fucking... I had a friend 20 years ago that had a Russian wife, and that's how he got it. Really? Yeah, he ordered like this hot, fucking blonde, that all she didn't talk, nothing.

How long did they stay together? They just sucked dick. They lasted for three years, and she blew some guy in Beverly Hills. And then she doubled up her tits. Like, she had big tits. And she went, like, the 54 double Ds out to my fucking daughter. I wish I was lying to you. She showed up at the laugh factory, eight years later, and they were like this.

And she was with some old guy, like, you know, had like three days left. Just waiting to cash in. And he married, that's how he got. And then he wrote his script about it, mail-order bride. And they tried to attach Tim Allen and Tim Allen sued him. So he had to move back to Virginia.

I swear to God, I'm dropping knowledge on you, motherfuckers. Where are you going to get this type of information for $10 on a Wednesday night? You know what I'm saying? What the fuck? You got two Jews and a Cuban. Where are you going to get that?

That's a fucking, that's a law and order episode right there. Do you watch new Law & Order? Oh, it's done now. I watch... You watch SVU? SvU sucks. They got a new channel.

Who wants to watch the rape ones? We. We has fucking, you pick your Law & Order episodes, bitch. So you go to we.org and you pick your own Law & Order episodes that you want to watch back to back to back to back. Women's entertainment? Whatever. Who gives a fuck?

It's all day long. I don't know if it's women's entertainment. It could be women's fucking evangelical or something shit. It could be, but it's not. But who gives a fuck? They play Law & Order all fucking day, and the good ones. Benjamin Brett.

Oh, yeah. That was good years. Those are the fucking good ones right there. He has a hot temper. Orbach. They show the good one today when the fucking cop shoots the cop and he's dirty

so the fucking Spanish kid Benjamin Brett behind him and then they set up fucking Jerry Orbach then Jerry Orbach is in trouble and at the end the cop testifies he goes I did it and they're going to arrest him again on double jeopardy.

They all go to get him in his house. That's one. He kills himself. That's what they always do. That's what they always did. And the Russians. The Russians is the ending. When his wife left him and came back

and she had cancer and shit. And he killed the Russians and at the end he tells Jerry he's got to leave. And Jerry Orbeck looks at him. He goes, Ray, anytime, any place. You got my number. That's the best fucking episode right there. You know how they have the guide?

I wish in like DirecTV's guide you can hit like Joey Diaz. And just have that. Telling it, dog, long on 25 years on TV. Listen, you could show us. up at me with Seinfeld, the monsters, every fucking show. And all I look at you can go, Law & Order,

25 years, and you've got to bend your head and go away. Like Rocky's wife. You got to, like... I think all you watch is Law & Order and Wally Kazam. You know, like, every Wally Kazam by heart. Well, there's only eight of them, fucking knucklehead. What's Wally Kazam for your kids? I know a lot of...

Wally Kazam is a kid show. Man, I mean anything. My daughter sits down front of her TV like a... Like a fucking Momo. Wally Kazam. Say the word. say the word, Wally Kazan. He sits in and he's got a little fucking dog

and she's young but she looks at every five minutes she giggles. Hey, ha, hey, hey, hey. I'm like, what the fuck are you giggling that? Nothing's going on, you know what I'm saying? What the fuck is the matter? You all right? I'm going to drop you all somewhere, you're all right.

Have you talked about a shoplift yet? No, I'm not doing that shit. She's a little girl. I can't teach you that shit. You're totally going to teach her. What's that? You're totally going to teach her. I'm not going to teach you out of shoplift, but... You're just kind of let her fend for herself? Not passed down the knowledge?

I'm going to explain to her little things Like how to cup of fucking You know like a set of glasses When you're pained You know what I'm saying You put them in your pocket Little things so she could watch You know what I'm gonna teach her my eyes

I gotta teach in my eyes That's as long as I can teach you my eyes How to spot a motherfucker Three blocks away How they walk How fast the box Because when you're a burglar You move differently

When you rob people you move differently I used to be a burglar So I know how people move when they're going to burglarize somebody they move a little fucking weird and shit, you know what I'm saying? I predicting like six years you guys are going to take down

every southern California or 7-11 there's going to be like no lighters no lighters no no tic-tacks No no no I don't want to fucking give it Ticktacks are going out of business That's a curse I don't want to fucking give it that curse

I'm going to teach how to look out for it you know that's all you can do you want to take you want to make your daughter of a superwoman you know what I'm saying Yeah you wanted to have three black belts She knows how to shoot a bow and arrow How to stab a motherfucker how to give mouth to mouth, how to slice your hair,

how to fucking bury you on the 170. You want to teach them how to do all these fucking things, you know what I'm saying? So that's what I want, our daughter, to have balls. I could see you having a daughter that would be like would give you a shave with a straight razor. Fuck yeah, that's what I want. I want a daughter that would fucking stab you

in a New York minute so there's no misunderstandings. I don't want my daughter to be far or force in the burning bed. I wanted to fucking kill the motherfucker. then burn the motherfucker, then stab him again, then burn him again, then cut his balls off, and put him on the internet and say, fuck you. Have a good day.

Did you see the new Denzel Washington movie? It looks actually pretty good. What's it about? Same thing as always. He's a hooker, and he fights to Russia. He needs to get revenge on people. He's a hooker? No, Denzel will never be a fucking hooker.

Chloe Meritz. She's a hooker? Yeah. For like the Russian mob. Could she kick ass too? I don't think so. Oh, okay. Yeah, and what does he protect her?

He's mad. Yeah, he protects her. And then the Russian mob. Listen. He protects everybody. They always end up dying. The problem with Denzel was after man on fire, he was done with that genre. Yeah.

He couldn't cover the spread after that. He shouldn't shoot another fucking person. Just rehashing the same shit. Yeah. After man on fire, he shot his load. He should just be a black guy now. He should never have a fucking gun in his hand. ever again.

What about... He should be like the black father in a lethal weapon. Like, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Danny Glover? He was too good in man on fire. He was so focused. He was so...

Even American gangster didn't do as well as it did because man on fire took him so fucking high. What about the one they won the award for? Which one? Training Day.

No, man. Oh, training day's awesome. He was just playing this fucking... I don't see it. Listen, man. I'm going to tell you guys something. And you might hate me for this, but I'm going to drop it on you, and I can back it, okay? Oh, shit.

I can back this shit, okay? The other day I was watching a movie called King of New York. And something hit me when I was watching King of New York. Yeah, it was Christopher Walken and the Red Devil. What's his name? CSI Miami. Oh, yeah. Caruso and fucking Blade is in that movie.

I mean, when you watch fucking... Blade. What the fuck? Wesley Snipes. Blade. What's his fucking name? Blade. I'm not being right.

I'm not Donald Sterling. That's his fucking movie. Blade. You people fucking look at me like I said, Spade. It's Blade. Fucking Blade, not Spade, motherfuckers. Get your shit together.

Don't put words in my mouth. We went to the Pasadena and the fat Cuban and said Spade. We got it on tape. TMZ. Ari Shafia. Three Jews in a Cuban insulting dent. But let me tell you this, I'm gonna break it down.

There's a black gentleman in the audience, and I don't want you to get insulted, because I'm gonna break it down for these motherfuckers. And I'm gonna take you back to 90, what's the Chris Rock special when he said there's two types of black people. Yeah. You ever see the word for you?

No, you don't have to bring back bad fucking memories. If you need someone to fill in, I can totally, I remember that CD, I can totally do that part. I watched The King of New York, which is a brilliant movie. Remember, Denz, remember they piss on the black guy's shoes, the Italian place and then fucking Chris walking sticks up for the black guy and he comes back and he goes I want to play cards he takes out a lot of money goes come on let's play

motherfucker turn the card over and the guy don't turn the card over he starts shooting him bam bam bam bam bam then he tells him any motherfucker that wants to come with me you're welcome you're welcome come to the hotel you part with me and these Italians were like fucking what the fuck this happened right but there was a gentleman in that movie of an African-American gentleman that to me people don't look at him he's the best black actor we've forgotten about him the man's name is laurice fishburn he's a joke now and i'll back you right now motherfuckers and we're gonna break it down little brother i know you're sitting there going i want to know where joey's taking this this is the

big payback this is james brown what the dun dun tham dam dam dam D-da-da-da-da-da-da-d-d-d-d-d-d. Are we supposed to get down? I don't know. That ain't right. This is fucking Harlem right here. So who remembers him and with Ike Tina Turner

when he played I-Turna. He was a completely crazy black guy. He fucking put pie in a fucking face. He dragged him by your fucking head. He fucking fucked her after he dragged her by your hair. Fuck Michael Vick! He dragged this poor black woman and gave it to her.

And they said, fuck you bitch and let's write a song, motherfuckers. But in the King of New York, he played a different type of black guy. He put shiny teeth in his shit. He was like fucking bumping. And he went into the chicken place. Yeah, I want some ribs. I want some corn on the cob. You, pay attention, motherfucker.

And he tells the kid, get away from the pinball machine. You ain't got no money. Stop talking to the kids like that. And he goes over and he gives the black woman a hundred dollar bill and he gives the kids quarters and shit. And he goes back over to the guy. He goes, where's my fucking order?

I want ribs, pork chops, chicken, bitch. And he goes, how much is it 63? Thank you very much, motherfucker. And as he turns around, the cops go in and he throws the food at him. And he spits in fucking Spade's face, right? And he's, oh my God! And then they wipe it off and he licks it.

He's bad to the fucking bone. At the end, he shoots Caruso, and he starts giggling and shit. Right there, I said, these motherfuckers got their focus somewhere else. Fucking Lawrence Fishburn is the best black fucking actor walking today. And if you don't believe me,

put on Apocalypse Now when he was 16 years old. What the fuck were you motherfuckers doing when you were 16? He was in the Philippines, fucking getting bit by mosquitoes. You understand me? With his grandmother down there, They had to sign them away to go to the Philippines for a year to make that fucking movie Apocalypse now. So next time you look at Lawrence, and that's not even talking about that movie you motherfucker like where he transforms himself.

Matrix? With the bald head. We're not even dropping those on you. I'm saving those in case one of you motherfuckers has an argument, you know. What about Matrix? What's happening in Ari's Fier? So you got to, you sold the show to Comedy Central. We're very proud of you.

You're a bad motherfucker. You started it from scratch. Thanks. That Asian lady, she comes to every one. You know, what's happening, an Asian lady. What's happening is, you know, in today's market, you don't need to fucking, you don't need a station no more to create something.

Yeah, you really don't. If you really don't. If you really believe in something, you go, you put it in your garage, you take your little cousin to do makeup and you shoot it, motherfuckers. And you shoot it every week and you believe in it, and you keep shooting it and shooting it.

And shooting it. Next thing goes from three hits to six hits to 12 hits and next you know you get a million hits where all your friends were telling you you were a loser and all of a sudden a network comes and talks to you that's what happened to Ari Shafir not because he's better than you motherfuckers because he started at the improv for free

for five dollars a fucking night to go down there and tell stories about doing drugs and fucking people. Four years ago, you were the first one? Yeah, four fucking years ago and look at he sold the fucking show so there you have it, cut's fucking that's it. That's it.

Thanks. It should be cool. It's free media. You want to write a book? You can sell it on eBay. On E, whatever the fuck. You know? I'll post to you with an arrow.

Whatever the fuck you want to do. You want to start up whatever. If your voice wants to get out there, that's it's living fucking proof. And he ain't no better than you. He ain't hanging out with fucking... Oh, better than the Mexicans. Fuck, you tough sucker.

Fucking Donald Sterling Jr. What about he adopted me right now? Oh, fuck. adopted you. I would like to announce that he is my new father. Oh, my God. Donald Sterling is innocent of all charges. Who the fuck would right now want to even hang out with that motherfucker?

Oh, he's cancer. He's like to kiss a death right now. He can't even apologize right. No, no, no, no. He goes to apologize and he's like, you know, I'm sorry, but this fucking Magic Johnson, this black motherfucker, Magic Johnson. He fucked women with AIDS.

He's not a role model. He's no good. He had AIDS and shit. He has bull bone AIDS. And he said it to the one. gay news guy, like the one gay guy who would actually be offended by it. So are you going to sell the team?

He got AIDS, I'm telling you this shit. I was just joking. I want black people. I want everybody at the fucking show. Must I really say that shit. My thing is they're trying to take it away from him because he's hurting the NBA, but I'm like, the last 30 years, the clippers sucked

beyond all reason. That hurt the NBA. Fucking Jew didn't spend a goddamn penny on that team. We all respected it. We put him in the Hall of Fame. Just living off luxury taxes. What really was fucking funny out of this whole thing

that they had given him like an NCAA award. Yeah. Right? His second one. Lifetime Achievement Award. Can you believe that shit? And the guy got fired. You know, it was so fucking sad that once they get the real,

can you believe this guy was actually accepting these awards? He's probably getting the award thinking, get me the fuck away. From these fucking savages and shit. Where's Lawrence Fishburn? Where the fuck? I was told Lawrence Fishburn was going to be here. He's the only black guy allowed at the Clipper Games. He said to all his whole team to Koreans.

It's crazy this people. But, you know, like I said before, the sadness is that this is the new thing. You know, you're going to have to fucking shake somebody down and talk about black people. You know what the NBA players should do? Hold on. That's a good joke. Nobody got it. Oh, sorry.

No, I didn't. Say it again. I didn't say it right. I got it. I got it. people down. You know what I'm saying? Like in the mafia before they talk to you, they always shake to see if you got a tape recorder. It's okay, you could talk about black people. Let me bring you some. You know, to talk about any nationality down, you gotta shake somebody

down. You're not gonna believe in a fucking Chinese guy. Cut me. Search him. He's all right. That motherfucker, fuck me off. I should have stuck a chop stick up his ass to me. I don't give a fuck, because my thoughts are public anyway. You people know my fuck. I don't hate nobody. I say crazy shit. I can't hate nobody, you know what I'm saying? Yeah.

You're full of love. I can't, I really can. I talk shit, but I can't. I can't really, like, be racist like that, because I know what it is. I'm fucking Cuban. I know what it is for people to look at you weird, you know? They don't say nothing, they just look at you weird, you know? They know you're different.

I had a girl sat on the bus behind me on the way to put you. back from Wheaton Plaza, she had one of those birds that, you know, that drank the water out of the cup, and she, like, held it to the back of my head, and she kept saying, Yamaka pecker. She would say that over and over again, and it was very hurtful. Yamaka pecker, Yamaka pecker. See, that shit drives me crazy.

I said nothing. I took it. For how long? For, like, 30 minutes. I probably would have done the same thing. Yeah, I thought about getting off. No, I did not. I think about getting off the bus. I was like, I already paid for it. I guess this is the way we're gonna take the bus today.

Someone saying Yamaka pecker at me. Gently tapping me. I pretended like I couldn't even hear it. She was 17, and I was 15. That's terrible. Yeah, I probably could have faltered to her standstill, but man, I was a pussy. She was probably antagonizing you.

Like, that was part of like a sex move. You think so? Why she wanted you to turn around and smack her and call her a fucking bitch. And she'd go, oh. And then blood would have broke from her lip And she would have looked at it and licked it And then you would have punched her again

You motherfucker, what, bitch, what? Paul a cop, motherfucker. I'm feeling prisky today. And then she would have flipped over And she would have had a skirt on with no panties. Yeah, I like your way better than what happened to me. Let's do your thing. What's that?

The thing about all that punching in the face and no panties. The cops come, you tell her. She hit me in the head with a bird. Yeah, she said... No cop will believe that shit. Listen, he hit me in the homica with a bird, the yarmulka.

You know, that's racist, plus it's fucking hurtful. Plus, my uncle's a public injury attorney, so I'll shoot this whole fucking bus every bird in America and every chick that don't shave her pussy and her armpits. She was a guy.

I don't mind if she don't shave a pussy. The armpits gotta go. That's too... The armpits are a little much. That's who Joni Mitchell is. Joan Baez. Makes you know I'm fucking hanging out with chicks with dirty feet playing the guitar.

That pussy smells like pachugi juice. We can't have that shit, Chico. You know what I'm saying? I've never looked at a girl's feet to see if it's dirty. Like, this is a big thing for you. You care. You care.

Yeah, I've never looked at a feet. Different phases of dirt on the feet. Give you a signal. Like, what do you mean? Let's say the heel and like a toe is dirty. She's okay. She just took the slipper off and went downstairs to get the mail.

Then there's like a little dirtier in the heel and that means she walked to your house maybe to have sex with you, so that should turn your arm right there. Right, right. She's bleeding from a piece of glass or something. You're like, that's my girl. You know what I'm saying? There's a point where you see a woman

in her feet are just blacked. That's just a filthy bitch. And if a feet are like that, what does her ass smell like? You gotta ask yourself. You gotta ask yourself. I saw a girl at the playground playing with a kid with filthy feet. And that's what I thought of.

That's the first thing I think of if her feet looked that bad. What does her ass smell like, you understand me? That's her whole middle stage. Stay there. That's 20,000, you know what I'm saying? Did I? I'm hurt. How are you going to turn?

I didn't say that. You passed out. Did I pass out? Did I pass out? Those are the magic words. Did I pass out? That's $100,000 right there. Plus, you're on testosterone.

You almost had a heart attack. We'll get you another 50 grand under the Alex Rodriguez syndrome. I don't fuck around. I know how to work with these Jews. I know the language. The psychological effects are suing somebody. There's a lot of things. You should have just fell through and stayed there

and not said a word and let the audience go, Joey, turn around. I know it turned around. turned around and you were back. And then somewhere you would have made eye contact like. Gave a little, gave it a little. Gave it the wig. Hurry up calling ambulance. That's $1,800, right?

So what you want to do is get your bills up. So when you go to get paid, it's 10 times the amount. Sometimes that instead of the time. There's less, yeah. Listen, these podcasts aren't all about humor and entertainment. It's about learning, you guys. About learning shit, okay? A day-to-day operations.

Nobody on discoveries are to come on and say, this is how you sue somebody, okay? This is how you make money. So he falls, he stays there. Okay, the bond is tremendous because he's going to look at me, give me the eye. And also I'm going to go, hurry up, call an ambulance. Call a specialist.

He stopped breathing. Call an Asian. Call a Hindu. Because if a Hindu and an Asian show up, that's 1020 G's like. From one of the little Hindu runs in. What is the problem with a little Chinese guy? That's 20 Gs plus the ambulance.

That's 38. We already made four grand for the night. You understand me? I'm always thinking, right? So now we put them up on the ambulance. As we're putting them up, I push Lee. You push him? Why do I get pushed?

Because, trust me, just shut your fucking mouth and left. I push you on top of Ari on top of this front table. No, why did you push him on top of me? Because we're all getting sued here. I'm trying to get paid. But I'm already getting some. Why don't I have to have Lee on me? That's $10,000, $10,000, $20,000, $30,000.

All right. That's $60,000. the table's another three. We'll cut a finger off. Who gives the fuck? You're a comic. That's another 17 gram right there. You put you in the hospital.

We'll visit you. We'll bring your edibles. Every once in a... All right. Every four days you get up and you go, where's Hitler? And you can pass right out.

Listen, when we bring him in front of the judge, it's payday. Like one of those neck braces? Oh, a neck brace for the neck brace. You know what I'm saying? An ear brace or the wind don't move your ears. I'll get you a pair. paid three Jews smiling

the whole time like a bunch of recruits where fucking fucked up people that are like like the attorneys like listen I'm getting the pay date today call them bring them in ringers bring an audience bring a bunch of people that all fuck that's a bad oh my god

oh my god the judge cut give them fucking 80 million and the ice house is yours And right there's where Lee takes the neck brace. Oh, fuck this shit. I'm going to eat some pussy and get a sore throat. You can't eat pussy during the whole process? No, because you got the neck brace on.

Unless you get skinny shoulders, you know what I'm saying? Don't. You got to lose weight around your neck. You got to extend up. You got to get like a lizard tongue. It's got to be precise. It's got to roll out like a carpet and hit the clit. Blah, blah, blah.

That's what I would do. If I got $10 million, I got like an 8-inch tongue that just comes out and hits her pussy like the whip in glory. Remember when they beat up Denzel in glory? Ba, bah, bah. What's that 12 years of slave, remember? I'll beat that pussy up.

The chick's walking home and shit. Mama, what the fuck? I went to Joey's house. He ate my pussy with this black whip. Think about it Somebody fucking came to your house tomorrow And said, we're giving you $10 million And they gave it to you

Close the door and went to the kitchen What's the first fucking thing you would do? Yeah, you buy your mama house But you tell, don't tell nobody I'm gonna disappear for a few days I'm going to Mexico I got an operation and shit You know what I'm saying?

What would you? Because don't do anything in Mexico You go to Mexico and go look, I want a 12-inch dick. Big motherfucker. I want to fuck people with my head. And then I want to move it and eat their ass. I just eat it and hold it over here and hit them in their ass. They'll do it in Mexico.

But is it just hanging out the rest of the day? Just like soft? No, you put under your hat. It's Mexico. They'll make it. You peel it back. You brush it back and you brush it back and you put a hat on it and you're fucking a regular guy.

Then you go to the bar and you talk to her and then at one point where things are going bad. I don't know if I like you. You take the hat or the dick comes out and you're like, who's better than me? Wait, wait. I got a dick on my fucking head. You could do, I'm just saying. No, do you get a set of balls too?

Listen, I don't fucking know the particular. I'm not looking to get a person. I'm just looking to fucker and eat her ass at the same time and whatever. It looked ridiculous whether it went without balls. Who cares what it looks like? You got a forehead with a dick. What is TM? Who gives a fuck?

They come up to you, how'd you get it? I went to Mexico. That's the point of the fucking story, Lee. You can do anything in Mexico. You're looking for the structure and the specifics and the magnitude? I don't fucking know. Don't decide when you're doing this.

But if they were droopy balls and then you couldn't see after a while. What happened if you had a moot? You'd be like a girl with bangs. You'd be like a beetle, only with fucking balls on your forehead. Yeah. Get it together. I think you get small balls. Let's say you want to dick under your armpit.

You go to Mexico. And you're people like, how do you know, Joey? I have a friend that went to get the lap band. And he said it's $30,000. What? He paid $4,000 in Mexico, and they had him out of there in 10 minutes. No drama. No bullshit.

I don't think that's something you want to get cheaply. I think surgery is something you should pay full price for. I know. I know. They got these Mexican students that are brilliant. They've been in school for like six weeks. They want to practice. They want to fucking practice.

How much can you sit there in the classroom? I got it, I got it. I can do this. I got to come, way. Yeah, boy. I don't want to be in the officeina. Yeah, I had a friend, Celine. She had the kidney, the liver.

And they call, I'm telling you, man, they called me on a Wednesday and said she was dying. That they were going to read her rights at some time today because her liver and her kidneys were shutting down. And then something happened. She was, you know, she drank, bro. And then something happened. She's a Mexican girl from Texas. Then like

Thursday, they said she was getting better. She didn't die. And then Friday, they said they were going to put on the list and give her a new liver. But then Friday, at like five, I got a call from her sister and said, fuck that shit. They wanted to stay sober for a year and not do shit. Fuck it, we're taking this motherfucker to Mexico.

They took the intravenous bottle. I pegged that bitch up in a van, and they went south. You understand me? They got there on a Saturday, the liver was ready. By 7 o'clock, they had some guy in the back on ice. Really? Like he was fucking unconscious and drunk. They were just ready.

They were just waiting for the get-to-this, so they could stab him and kill him. And give him the liver fresh. No fucking around. They didn't do no blood test to see if there was a match. The guy was from Nicaragua. Who cares? She's alive.

She's a Mexican with a Nicaragua and fucking liver. She's alive. She's alive and kicking. She drank. That night. She had a drink right in the room. After they put the liver in, they test the goods. Why fuck around? It's Mexico.

You know what I'm saying? Like, if you get an operation here, you have to wait six weeks and sit at home with bandages. You get that dick in your forehead on a Friday morning. By Saturday, you're in Orange County. You know what I'm saying? Sporting a new fucking hat, Jack. What's up, the flying Jew?

What's happening, my little brother? Nothing. I'm just trying to imagine. how you would open up. Oh, please. Is it like first date thing? Is this going to keep him awake? This is going to keep him awake for three fucking days.

I'm Friday. He's going to form me like a ten. Can I ask you a lot that high? You're fucking high. No, I am. No, you are. Okay. How are you doing, brother?

Are you high? Yeah, what is that thing? That's a cheap-bo-choo. But it was a different one. It's the ones for fucking people who hear voices. Before you take it, it's always the least one. And then after you take it, it's the strongest one they make. It's not.

There's no more. There's something going on. There's no more Chebichus. They shut the factory gun. They're too much behind. What? So a bunch of people walking around shaking.

And they don't have no decas left, and they got no Green Hornets, but they have the 70 milligrams at stores. Sativis and the Indicas. So I've got to eat like eight of them, but I'm just not in the fucking mood anymore. The Green Hornets have a lot. The Green Hornet's like 270?

Yeah, 270, but I think it's like mixed combined. Yeah. Listen, all I know is, I like these people. You ever meet people that always like, oh my God, no, because I did, listen, it's like in the 80s, I do blow. There was always this jackpot that showed up. Hold on, let me look at the cocaine. Let me test it in alcohol. Let me burn it with a torch.

It's 82%. Who gives a fuck? This is the tester. Put it in your fucking nose. If it goes in easy and your dick works, it's tremendous. That's what it's supposed to do. All this drama to do a line of coke. Nothing bothers me more than people that.

I remember the 80, you could snort a line of coke off a girl's ass. No, no, no, no, no, no. We're not going to do that no more. Get a little jar. We're going to put baking soda in there and shake it up and get a rock. Then you need a silk sock, because if you don't have a silk sock, it's not going to work. And it's got to sit there for an hour, for the rock to get hard. Then you could smoke it.

What? What? Cut that fucking rock up and shut your fucking mouth. You're going to put my coke rock and water. What if it don't come back? I'll fucking kill you, you understand me? That coke rock don't come back. If your magic powers don't work tonight,

that was my last $40. I will beat you till they fucking come back. So before we avoid the whole thing, you want to put your coconut water and take a chance? Go ahead. Me, I'm snorting this motherfucker. I got emotional about that shit. You get worked up over certain things.

It matters. Yeah, I don't like that shit. Just fucking smoke. Just do it how God wanted you to do it. Heroin, you shoot it in your arm. That's it. And then you can tell. You got a tube,

and I got to go under a bridge. No, I don't need that shit. Just get a fucking rock and snort it. When I was in Israel, you have to sell your electronics before you go home because you can double your price, even though if you use it for a year, because they had such crazy taxes. So I was taking my Sony Walkman, the sport, and I was taking around to the market and asked people if they wanted to buy it.

This one guy was like, I told him it was waterproof. And he's like, I'll put it in this pickle juice right now. We'll test it. And I was like, but then it's going to smell like pickle juice. And he goes like, well, are you scared? I'm like, no, but if it still works, when it comes out of there, you have to buy it. And he was like, no, no.

So I got a falafel. Did you have that same expression? You went to Israel? I didn't know we had to sell our electronics. Yeah, you can sell your electronics, man. Come on. How many electronics can you buy there? They had a subway in Jerusalem, and they didn't realize,

they opened up a subway, a subway restaurant, and they didn't know about certain things about Israel. And they had those, the first place that had cups so you can refill yourself. And, man, people saved those for like six months. They would pass them off to each other before they were leaving. Like, no, no, don't pay. Here, use mine.

They sold four largest in the year. Yeah, yeah. Your kid shot it with a BB gun that's got a hole in it. There's tape in there. You got duct tape on and shit. Remember the first time you realize you get a refill for free?

You lost your fucking mind. What? You went up to 82 fucking times. You didn't give a fuck sugar, cancer. I'm drinking this shit. Iceperine. What's in it? Don't drink the diet soda.

It's got ispatein in it. Aspartine. Who gives a fucking. How pissed off do you get? Okay, I drink too much Diet Coke. But how pissed off do you get when you go to a place and they bring you either a can or they charge you secretly for the refill? Asians. I won't go back.

It's always Asians. They do that shit. Here's your can of Coke. You know what I wanted. You know I didn't want a can of Coke. You know what's sad when you drink four cans of Coke and you pay like $8 for those four cans. And when you fucking sign the bill, you're like, I'm a fucking moron. Yeah.

Just paying it for $8 I can buy the fucking half the factory My teeth could be purple and I don't need this shit I had an Asian place charge more if you didn't want ice Cost you 25 cents more What? Yeah I would have got the ice and like poured it out in front of them You wouldn't have No I wouldn't have

Sounds good I get fucking pissed off at dumb shit like that But what are you gonna do? We're not those business owners Yeah you can't make them We don't know if they're close to a school and every three minutes some kid comes in, hi, can you fill this up with ice? You know, the first three days, you're okay.

After about a month, you're like, kids, this ain't no off. 25 cents. Yeah, you know, so we don't know what they go through. But you know when people are robbing you. Yeah. The one thing I won't do, and it's like a line on across, when I get a water cup, I don't like steal soda. Oh, no, you're missing out.

No. You've got to make one trip for water, just because they might be watching you. And then from then on, you're drinking a very minimum sprite. At very minimum. First off, when you fucking go to a restaurant, you make them give you a cup of water? No, I don't. That's what I just said.

How about I fucking stab you? You do that shit around me. I saw that, listen to me. He's a restaurant. He means McDonald's. I swear to God. I fucking swear to God, there's a bagel place on Fairfax and Sunset. And when I went to the knee doctor,

I go there on purpose because I can't stand the griddle. So I sit at that bagel place, and I eat a bagel hoping that a missile hits the griddle. And the people standing online while I'm fucking sitting there, you understand me? Seriously, in my heart, I want to miss a little. I hate the griddle. Because people stand online for eggs. Yeah.

You understand me? I can see you stand online for a lobster tail for an hour. You know, they rub it with something. They catch it from a river where there's no cancer or something. But for you to stand online for fucking eggs and potatoes, do I smack you now? Or do I smack you later? that fucking cool? Really?

What's the difference? Where did they get their fucking eggs from? Where? Where? Astroburger. They have a great breakfast. And they got a great breakfast. You're eating next to a bum and a pimp. Yeah. The two-nine. The potatoes are cold. Just getting off work. So I went to this fucking place, this bagel place.

I walk in and who do I got in front of me? Chad and fucking his assistant, Chuck, with plaid shirts, with a BMW 5 series, with two girlfriends that are wackadoos. They go to some place when I'm, as I'm walking. and then they walk out. These two fucking morons

get two bagels and they make the Spanish woman go in the back and get fucking cups for a cup of water. Meanwhile, they drive on a fucking five-series car and they got the two fucking

free water. Pay a dollar for the water. You're gonna make this poor lady go on the back. You get a five-series BMW and you're drinking water? Should I fucking smack you now, motherfucker?

It's a fucking bagel. You're gonna be thirsty. Drink some... I get insulted. That's cheap shit right there. It's a dollar in a quarter you're driving a five series or you're living off a credit card.

What is it? So I get pissed off. So it took like 20 minutes to get the fucking water. So once they leave, I looked at the lady, and I looked at it in the eye, I go, don't you hate motherfuckers like that?

She goes, tell me about it. And then they don't tip you. She goes, they drink water and they don't tip you. And then, within two minutes, that fucking two little witches that they were dating came back with four of these ice coffees,

like they were trying to be cool with the fucking Starbucks coffee. And I felt like putting them through the wall, those days are over. You get mad, huh? You should hear Diaz when he calls me. He won't be talking.

He was like, yeah, the Yankees are a problem with this, but he gets all of a sudden in traffic out of nowhere. He just gets super road rage. So, like, the Yankees, they're going to be okay. Just go! Just fucking go! It's not just go. He tells him what he should be doing. Make the left turn if you're going to do it.

You're going to do it. You're going to do it. I can't believe it. I don't know what these people learn how to drive. I'm trying to help him out. How are you going to stop there? The worst. The worst is when they stop,

and there's two people on the corner, and they could go, and they wait for the light. Now they got to wait for the people to cross the fucking street. Go! What the fuck are you waiting for? I don't give a fuck about that rights.

Go! Fuck them. Go! There ain't no fucking cops. Go! So they wait? Now I got to wait. For these motherfuckers, and 16, run across that fucking street, you motherfucker.

When I came from Cuba and New York, there was no hand. There was no... You had to fucking run across that fucking street. If not, people would hit you on fucking Broadway. Now there's a clock, there's a fucking thing. You have five. Fuck you. Run, motherfucker.

You got 18 cars trying to make a right, and you want to chitch with your ch-chuk. Nothing burns me up on that shit. When I'm driving, go! You're in traffic. The HOV lane is open. There ain't no cops. Fuck it. Take a chance.

Get in that motherfucker. You're going to sit there. I go in and out and cut people off. And then I'll see like three vans. I'll fucking get back in that HOV lane. I'll do like fucking 16 miles. Then I fucking go back. If it's nighttime, fuck you.

I get that motherfucker. fucking like a doctor. And I put my hand up. I don't give a fuck. Why do you think I fly out of LAX at 4 in the morning? Because I get on that HOV lane. I don't give a fuck. One night a cop went by me on the motorcycle.

I was scared the whole time. I was like, who gives a fuck? It's 4 in the morning. I commend you, you smart motherfucker. These fucking saps waiting in traffic when there's no cops. Get in there. buck two 50 you go down there you get an extension you get another extension

if no extent you're paying nine dollars a month sweat them out have you ever driven him anywhere what have you ever driven him like oh please he knows yeah because he expects you to drive like oh this fucking guy gets behind a bus because he's scared he sees the bus he gets right behind the bus because I'm get the fuck away from the bus I don't want to see a bus in my fucking route you understand me I'm looking for the bus two blocks down I'm fucking blind, but when I get in the car, I got binoculars with the fucking light.

I can see if there's a fucking bum, a fucking bus, anything. Get over. Get over, you fuck. Get over. What the fuck? And then the people in front of you, they're looking behind you.

So I help them. Go. Go! You get mad. I get pissed off. Because they're wasting our fucking time. Then you drive down anyways? Why would you have an expensive car

to drive in the left-hand lane and do 60? If you got the balls and the fucking to buy an expensive car, do 90 or get a Prius and save the world. And save the world and hang out with your friends and Los Felice and, you know, oh my God. We have to do something about the alligator situation. You know, do that shit. Fuck you and your Prius doing fucking 55 and an 80. That left lane is 80. That means go.

If you ain't doing 80, get the fuck over. Get the fuck over. Yeah, Mexican. 80, 85. Hey. Oh, the Mexicans are the worst. And the more furniture they got, the fucking more of the lane they go. They got a building on top of that.

Doing 35. Doors are flying off. A fucking help. Aye. You see him flipping down the 405? Grandma's whole hell. And Pancho's doing 35. Waving at people.

Vote for me. I got my card last Thursday. Amazing. They get in a deep, deep left lane. and they fucking like, oh, we moved with big shots. Let's get in the left lane. Fuck it.

We got insurance. If you flash them, they go even slower. Oh, and they get mad of you. People don't know about flashing here. Flashing means the nice way. Get out of the way.

You're slowing me the fuck down. I got things to do. I got to take the shit. I got to get to the drug dealer's house. My kid's on fire. You know what I'm saying? My wife is horny. I got the cat choking on a fucking bone.

That's what that means. Get the fuck over. You want to listen to Motley crew whatever get the fuck over and you're pan their hand give me I'm dr. field good Lee I love Lee I clock Lee one day what it took Lee fucking 40 minutes to get from cold water to like Lancashire oh wait when we look to the test you understand me first of all it did 40 fucking minutes ladies and gentlemen take me 40 minutes 40 minutes he's on the and this guy if they're doing 10 miles an hour that

That's the street he gets on. Magnolia. Let me get on... Let me get on Magnolia with all these Republicans doing... Look at my Prius. I'm gonna save a tree.

Get our fucking channel, fuck, sucker. The fuck you're doing on Magnolia. And then you're cut down. Tell these motherfuckers what happened three weeks ago on a Monday morning when I saw the cops

fucking getting an accident. And a Monday morning, it ain't in the morning when I was high. LA police department. We're high as fuck. Yeah, he gets you so high. then he expects you to operate at a normal level.

Who gives a fuck? No, I was driving in my car, and when he's a cop, when he's driving, he slows down a little bit. He was in my car, rolled down the window, and started, like, haggling the cops. You stupid motherfuckers! Why don't you move the car over, motherfucker?

I love the police in L.A. But when something big is going down, the police parked the car correctly. When it's a homeless guy, or something pedestrian gets hit by a bicycle, or some lady falls off the stoop, they park sideways. Like it's the end of the fucking world.

Okay, you want to be a dummy, that's fine. But now it's 8 in the morning on a Monday morning. Two of them parking sideways on fucking... In the middle lane, on Cawanga. Really? At 8.30 in the morning? How about I fucking become that dude that gets the camera and takes pictures of cops parking and then sends them to that fucking guy in New York.

Remember on 60 Minutes? He was taking pictures of people. parking meters, women eat and fucking hot dogs on no parking zone. You shouldn't be parking here. You shouldn't be parking here. You're working. Fuck you. And he sent the tapes and people get fired. Tremendous. Half these cops would get fired.

It's 8.30 in the morning on a Monday morning. Why are you double parked on Kowanga to one fucking lane? So I'm sitting there with fucking 10 miles an hour, boy. Because there's a left-hand lane. Listen, just because it starts down there don't mean you can't get in it now.

You understand me? That lane that turns left, if there's a loud, look, get the fuck out of that fucking lane. He don't want to go, because the cops are 10 miles away. Talking to some kid who fell off his fucking little bicycle. Right? And so something fucking happened that could have been taken

care of with a dollar bill. Here, a kid, get up, here's $2. Go get a fucking ice cream, your helmet's going to be fine. Yeah, I'll give you a five for the fucking helmet. No. These cops are out there, they got a bunch of, and I start yelling, fucking move the car cuckers, right?

Get out of the way. Lee was red. I'm like, move the car, cock suckers. What the fuck is Ryan? They're looking around. Like there were super cops. Where is you? They couldn't figure out.

I'm no fucking mental inquis. I can't throw my voice. I was right in front of, I was dirty yards from them, man. You do the opposite of throwing the voice. You're like, people can find you when you talk. That's the opposite of that. They're not going to fucking find me. Frank, you got me high, and we're going to breakfast,

so I'm pretty excited. and then he started yelling at these cops when the traffic wasn't moving. What the cops do? What's the first job they learn to make traffic move, right? Yeah. How can you forget the fucking basic fundamentals

of being a police officer which is making traffic fucking move? So you got three guys following the report. What happened to the one guy out there? Yeah. You understand me, people? I don't get mad because of stupidity. Yes, I do.

What the fuck? How much longer? These are the people we're supposed to get examples from. Not the people that we're supposed to, what the fuck is this guy double parking for? If he double parks, and all of us can fucking double parked. We got enough.

Listen. Anarchy. You know how you know you're old? You know how you know you're old? How? When you don't move, you don't leave the house because you don't want to lose your parking spot. And that's how I live.

I don't take my fucking car. That parking spot in front of the house, belongs to me and nobody else. You know, the angriest I've seen you is, and first of all, it's not marked. It's just in front of his house. And there's, like, this gay couple, people who don't live on the street park there,

when you're turning around and looking for other spots, you're yelling for the entire time. Hold on. There might be gay people. I don't want them to think that I get mad at them because they're gay. They're not gay. They're transgender's in construction. The one guy... They are in construction. They're under construction. I'm not trying to be cute. The one guy hasn't gotten the check yet.

He has the wig. He's angry. The state won't give me my money. But the other guy got the money from his grandfather died. She's got the tits. Like he's taking the shots. The tits are coming out. He let his hair grow. The cheekbones are out.

What's his name? Big Mike, right? Big Mike. In the daytime, he's Big Mike. At night, he's Monica. So if I see you right now, I'm like, Big Mike, it's Monica to you. Okay. Whatever. Fuck me. You know what I'm saying? I'm the wrong one fucking big Mike. You should paint the curb

Huh? You should paint the curb. They already paint it. They're handicapped. They're on the construction Oh really? I swear to God I got a handicap sticker in front of the house. That's why because it's one of the construction shit might happen. Because they're having Because they're having vaginal reconstructive surgery whatever it is. I hasn't started on the pussy yet. He's waiting on the date. He's got a date set for February Construction never moves on time. Oh God, listen to me. They're always falling behind. You don't know what life is

till a man is talking to you about cutting his dick off and putting a pussy in there. That's when you know you've reached how much of a man you really are. You go upstairs, you don't even jerk off for a week. You just look at your dick. You rub it and shit, you give it love again. You're like, man, this motherfucker's fucked up.

He's going to get rid of you, just like that. Are you going to look at it? at it when it's finished? Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna knock on his door and look at it, fucking Lee. That's your job, talk sucker. I'm gonna bring it over and I'm gonna make you sniff it after the chick fart's in your mouth.

The leftover? What are they just tuck it? Is it just tucking? No, right now they're tucking it. Where are you going? This is gonna get good. No, what I mean? Through the middle.

Do they push it? Blondi, where are you going with those legs? Look at you, fucking savage. You fucking savage you. Look at you. You get somebody in a fucking arm bar. It's all over for that. My shoulders

gonna smell like monkey for a year, you know what I'm saying? I still got it. You're not at the ice house on a Wednesday night. This turned out to be an all right podcast, you motherfucker. You see what I'm saying? Aren't you happy? What are you going to do with the house? It's Wednesday night, you guys.

We're living our lives. We're going out. We're not staying home, we're watching Lost. Whatever's on now. Oh my God. his documentary on Netflix last one. It was about this guy in North Hollywood. It was taking his dick off.

He went out under construction at night. At first, they both put on wigs, and they wouldn't talk to me. Like, they would talk to me when they were men in the daytime. What I would see him going out at night, they would get in the car and just drive away. Why? They want flowers?

One would put the blonde wig on. And then one day, I just broke the eyes. I'm like, I'm like, guys, what are my fucking ten? You don't think I know what you fucking saps? they're doing, it's all right. I don't give a fuck. Talk to me. Let me know. And then they told me they broke it down that one guy got the money and he's going to go to Colorado.

You have to set a date to cut your dick off. And put a vagina. Oh, I hope so. You got to go to like a doctor for a year and talk to them. It's fucking, they just don't let you do that. It's a lot of paperwork and shit. When people die, do they leave their vaginas? I fucking don't know. I haven't looked it up.

You know what I haven't, I haven't Googled taking your dick out and putting a vagina in. Recently. Let me tell you something. There's nothing better than getting stoned with a bunch of family and just talking shit. This is a fucking comedy album in 10 years. In 10 years you guys are going to go, oh my god, this guy, listen to this. It's going to be three fat fucks talking about fucking...

Wait, wait. How did I get lumped in? You're tall. fat fuck. All right. I was talking about Lee. Lee's a skinny guy. You mean too much candy?

How do you eat candy? It pisses me off whenever you post pictures of it. I'm like, God damn it. It's easy. Lee, you just barf after. How do you do with the fingers? Yeah, the fingers, toothbrush, whatever.

Take care of business. No, I don't know. I got a high metabolism. And it's not just, with me, it's just the candy. With you, it's candy and then wheat. All day long, just wheat. I'm aware of what happened.

I'm just saying it's not fair that you get to do it. Why not is it fair? Why not? Nature is nature. You might have a two-foot dick. And he's walking around with three inches. And he don't know you're packing heat like a savage. And you're mad because, you know, you can't eat candy.

I can't eat candy, but I got a two-foot dick. Who gives a fuck? You know what I'm saying? You're like the fucking, you know. My ears stick out more than yours. Yeah, get it together. You've got smarts and brains. Who gives a fuck if you can eat candy?

I got that going for me. Candy's overreared. Next you know, you're at the dentist giving him $800 every three fucking month. Unless you got insurance. You know how much fucking

the dentist cost you if you don't have insurance? You taught me that you can actually bargain with him. This is what he always did. You were like, listen, if it's a thousand bucks because it's so overpriced.

If you're like, listen, well, I'm never going to be able to afford that. But I have $475. Do you want to just do it? And then it's up to them, right? No, no, no. You did that with Simone's brother. But Simone's brother was from Philly.

He knew the game. Yeah. People in Beverly Hills don't want to bought You gotta find like an Armenian in Glendale They do good work You know what I'm saying? They'll take it to a back Like of a fucking

Have you ever been scammed? On dentistry? Yeah What? I don't know I went to one as a kid That was always nice And then I went to one

Before I moved out here And they're like Yeah, you have 27 cavities And I let them do half of it And I was like I've never had a cavity before my life And I went back to my old one And they're like

You don't have any cavities And I'm like I sat through like two hours being drilled for nothing. And then I went to their Yelp page and everyone said that. That's why you should go to Yelp more. Boom. First of all, when you're picking a dentist,

you got to get a recommendation, you fucking Mo Mo. You have to call one of your friends and go, hey, do you have a dentist and go, I just moved here. But I have a friend who's lived here. He's got fucked up teeth. Maybe he went to a dentist and you call him up and go, yeah, I know this fucking guy,

Mr. Swahili, up in Studio City and you're fucking, you know, You don't get a dentist or a doctor from the Yellow Pages. You get them preferred. Hey, Ari, you had a bummed knee. When you went for your knee, who'd you go to? Dr. fucking so-and-so. Now, I'll go to Dr. So-and-so.

Yeah. What the fuck is wrong with you? I don't know. I went to get my teeth clean. If you're not fucking driving behind a bus, you're getting a dentist out of the Yellow Pages. You understand me? What's next?

You're going to call that service with the lady? What are you? Hi, I'm scared of dentists. Who should I go to? Pee, Pee, P. They got like three dentists with, like, fucking crossbun. and skulls and shit.

Fucking a guy with a thicker thing and a stick going through his heads. You don't fucking know these people either. They make millions offers for fucking referral

bullshit. Get the fuck out of. You call somebody that's nice. There's a lot of shitty dentists. You're not going to go ask the fucking meth mouth. Hey, who's your dentist?

Yeah. You got to ask somebody who's got nice. How are you doing, my love? Everything all right? I can wait for you guys to go back here. Just look at you. I love it on a Wednesday night. You're out. Fuck it.

Sexy. Well, look at him, Lee. What the fuck you're looking at me for? Look at them, you fuck. That's why I'm pointing them out. That one's all you. Go out there. Talk to it. Tell her who you're with. Who am I with? You tell him you're a director from Israel. That's the line. That's the line we invented years ago for you. That's your cover. I'm a director from Israel. The plane went down. was way before the flying Jew. And we went to places and he'd be like,

tell them you're the director from Israel. And I'd be like, yeah, do an accent and tell them you're from Israel. Why not? You're funded by the Jewish mafia and you did 18 movies? Who gives a fuck? They don't know. Is that 18 movies? Who cares? What are they going to ask you? What movies have you done? I did a movie where a young

Jewish boy falls in love with a Palestinian woman. People do it all the time. It was so out there. Listen, do you know the damage you could do with 10,000? $1,000 in LA. If you were real scuzzy, man, you could grease your hair and get like fucking Cuban Zaconians and put them on your hand. Have a bunch of Coke, never go to it, just show it every once in a while.

Get like a Jew bankroll, get like 200s, and get like a thousand singles and put it around. Buy you a drink, I own a studio, and get business cards. You can rent a room at the stander off of fucking Expedia, right, for 4995. And you can tell bitches I live in the stand. I'm a Hollywood Pimp. I'm a director from Israel. What do they know? Really?

Can you get me in a movie? Yeah. Speaking to the mic. You know, it happens all the time. Then a week later, she's on a podcast. I got scanned by some guy. He told me he was a director. He was really a cook.

At Pupiti Pepep, wherever he went to dinner over there. Pooker de Pepo. What was the name of the place? Oh, okay. Yeah, Vuga the Pepo. He told me he was a director, I sucked his dick. That guy from Santa Barbara should have called you for some advice on how to get girls. I have said some tasteless jokes of my day.

But that is fucking tasteless. They should have called you for advice. I don't have no fucking advice for that fucking... Oh, that guy from Santa Barbara. That miserable fucking... There you go. Oh, yeah. Another college graduate from here from...

I hear from. This scares me. Two Jews. He said the only reason he killed him was because he couldn't get girls. Right, I know, because he never bought a gram of blow. That's why. The advice. He killed a bunch of people because all he needed was some coke and go out to a club and do this.

I'm the ugliest motherfucker alive and I was for 30 years. At two in the morning, I would look at a woman straight in the angle, look, I hear it is. I want to go back to my house. I got an eight ball of Coke. We're going to do two lines. I'm going to put a Coke rock in your pussy and a tics out. and your pussy and a tic-tac in your asshole. And we're going to work.

And women would just look at you like, and let me tell you something. Either they went home with you and did it, or they never talked to you again. You took a chance. But you just ended it right there. I'm no fucking, you know, Rico Ricardo, but I could lure a bitch back

with a gram of blow. I could do damage with a half a gram and three aspirins. I'd fuck your world up. I gave a ton of women aspirin in my day. You think I'm fucking around. I wasn't giving you the real Coke. Do you suck my dick? Well, I saw you're naked.

Uh-uh. That shit's expensive. So you just cut up aspir. I gave you aspirin and shit. Oh, that shit's good. Yeah. Show me that fucking monkey. And I'll give you the good stuff.

And once they put the bikini on, then you give them the good... Oh my God, my head's going to explode. I can't feel my tongue. Shove it up my ass. I couldn't. Shut up my ass. And there you know.

Nobody gets shot. You know what I'm saying? Just some chick has bad breath for a week. Nobody gets shot! If you can't get pussy with Coke, shoot yourself. If you can't put a ball...

If a woman... Even if she's never done it before. What? Like I'm telling you, I'll put it in your pussy or numb your clit out. Then I'm a machine gunner. And they're just... What are you talking about? Trust me. Look at Ari's face. He's like, what are you talking about?

I've never been into the Coke world. I know. It's fucking crazy that, you know, if you can't pick up a woman in Hollywood, you get fucking blow to the standard, somebody will lick your nuts. Somebody. Jeff Richards almost said, I want to start just having Coke around so I can get girls. And he goes, wait, it would cost me like five grand a week? That's it.

This one is doing well. And I'm like, aspirin is the answer. You get an eight ball and you don't take them back till fucking three. Let them do somebody else. Now that guy runs out. You show up at 2.30 with a story in a bottle of fucking booze. What? Captain White Man.

What? What? What? You understand me? That's a patois. Why are you gonna compete against all guys all night and be throwing out 20s? Let them hit them with bad breath and terrible stories. And the girls like, these fucking guys.

And you show up. What's going on? What? You're looking for blow? Shit. I live in Colombia. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. When I went to Vegas, you told me to go to sleep early and wake up

at four in the morning and just wait in the cafeteria for them to come back. Why? Why are you out dancing, make them believe with your ugly buddies that you're having a good time, guys?

You go to Vegas with eight guys. None of you're going to get late. That's true. You're fucking cologne on and you fucked up haircut and you fuck. This is fun by the pool. I paid $3,000 for a cabana.

What are you doing? Why are you being such an amateur? You go to Vegas, you let you lose friends go out. You go to bed at 9. In fact, take it like a valium. So you're well. Well, rest it, because you're about to sling Major League dick.

Drink a protein shake, take an alpha brain. Get a good eight. Wake up at about 3.45. Drink water, brush your teeth, wash. You can put your fucking head to. Drink the eggs like Rocky Dick, because you're going to war. If you're staying at the palms where the young girls stay. I'm telling you this is an old man, because I've seen this shit.

And I've reported to the younger guys like, you're sleeping. You're not gonna go out and compete with good-looking guys. Here's the formula. So in the palms, you wake up, you get downstairs about 4.15 and go to that little restaurant with the guitars are and watch the freaks come in there. Depressed, they went to Vegas with their three homies. The two homies got dick. They didn't get dick.

Now they set the bar, drinking a mimosa because they're cool, taking pictures to their friends in Kansas. Look at me. I'm drinking a mimosa at the palm. And they're all fucked up depressed. And there you show up with a bowling oatmeal and a big dick. What happened? Oh my god, I lost my friends.

They're such horrors. Oh my god. They left for God. So what's going on with you? What are you going to do? I have a room, but I lost my key. No problem. I got two keys.

I got two keys. But again, I'm looking for something. I don't know if you could help me. What? And you're like, brother. you just walked into the right neighborhood let me finish my oatmeal and you don't even have to have Coke

you can just string them along yeah I got a kilo up in the fucking room huh uh huh once you go to the bathroom and freshen up and when they go you take those little sugars

and shit whatever those fucking guys there's a war out there it's like a jungle sometimes you gotta use your advantage too wait a thing I'm gonna lie to you? So what?

They snort some fucking Fabriz and they... And they suck your dick and they wake up. What was that last night? Bitch, you ain't gonna believe it. I confused packages and shit. I'm just saying, why are you gonna go and compete with all these good-looking guys? Do you get it before they come in drunk?

They're victims? Fuck it. And then they go right upstairs. I'm telling you, I've never done it, but I saw it happen. I sat there one time at the Palm before a UFC fight. I went to bed early. I don't drink. I went to bed early.

And I got up early, and I went downstairs, and I saw all these freaks coming in, and these fucking guys just picking them up. They weren't hookers either. They weren't hookers. Let's go back to my room and party. Okay. Can I tell you I'm from Nebraska?

Nobody wants to go back to Nebraska without sucking a dick. They don't give a fuck. Right or wrong. You people live in LA. You're kind of hip. But if you lived in Nebraska, you went to Vegas.

You want to get fucked, right? I mean, we're family. you know, am I lying? You look at me like I'm talking shit. What do you think, Audrey? What's your... What's your... What's your... What's your... What's your... I love...

I, what? What my favorite things to do watching Vegas is when I used to be waiting for Rogan in the hallway. From them to come out and the girls would come out, like still in their Saturday night attire on Sunday morning holding their high heels. Oh, in the morning. Yeah. And backing out of the room going, I have a smile in their face and then turning and seeing me stare at them. And they were just... They were like, okay, man.

They were just slunk off. What's your shirt? Balls, pussy, and the cross? Yeah. That's all you need, you know what I'm saying? You walk into a church with this church on a Sunday? Even the priest will say, what is that?

Is that a new religion? Yes, it is. It's Catholicism squared. You know what I'm saying? This is a pussy and a set of nuts, motherfucker. No, it's just amazing at those casinos. Whenever I perform at casinos, I don't gamble, but I walk around. You know, you get stoned, you walk around.

And you see things, and you go, oh my God, if I was young, what I would do to that fucking poor angel? That girl's over there dying for somebody to fucking give her some dicks. He's just waiting for it. Ladies, protect yourselves, okay? Don't go out and leave any fucking openings. Don't get fucked up. Go back to your rooms.

Double fucking pad your monkey. Learn jitzy. Don't snort blow. Don't snort blow. It's the weakness. Then you have a reason to be in his room, and that's why he pulled your hair because you were doing blow.

So next time, if you just smoke pot, you could smoke it outside. So if a guy says, you come back to my room, no, let's go outside and smoke the joint. You see what I'm saying, ladies? I got daughters. I'm not all that fucking bad, cuckuckers.

Let's go to my room and smoke some pot. That's one of my standard moves. Yeah. Unless you wants to suck your dick, she'll say, let's go outside and smoke. I want to get some air. Smart, one step ahead. She gets to know you.

She gets to know, then you gotta sell it with Eminens. See, then you gotta go well. I got some candy in the... You follow me? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You see what I'm saying? Yeah, we should go back here, I get some candy. You follow me?

Yeah. You tell a woman you got chocolate upstairs right now. We don't gotta weigh. I know you about an hour. How bad could it be? It's got caramel on there. He's got chocolate. And they go up there, you got chocolate.

You turn the TV on right away. And hopefully something. Oh my God, it's my favorite movie. Sit down, take your feet off. I'll get some room service. Oh, you want a salad? Oh, you're on a salad. Oh, you're so nice. And now you've got a conversation.

Fuck Christian mingle. Fuck Christian mingle. What are you going to do? What do you want to do? Go to church. Go to a farmer's market or bizarre. You're beyond that shit, okay? You deserve better.

I like how those are the two options. It's either. This whole elaborate plan with weed and candy. Or Christian Mingle. There's no in between. You know, that guy went after girls that were above him. He was kind of fucking stupid. He was weak.

What girl would want to be with that fucking... Santa Barbara guy? Yeah, then he had a BMW. So he thought he had the right tools to pick up a chick. He was one of those guys. Will I have a beamer? And you're like, who gives a fuck? You're a fucking loop.

Trade to a Honda, get some Coke. You know what I'm saying? Like, yeah, go get the... You know, get some Coke. show me a $20 bill, I might talk to you. You know what I'm saying? Like, I guarantee that. When I saw the BMW, I knew he was one of those guys,

and that's the first thing he sold the woman. Well, I have a BMW. He didn't earn it. So does everybody else, bitch. What else do you have? He didn't earn it. He didn't earn it. No.

I just gave it to him. He was a fucking college kid that God knows what was on his mind. Driving a daddy-luck. His father knew, his parents knew. They weren't in denial. They weren't like those assholes that, you don't know what happened. You know what he was.

fucked up, you know, and what are you doing to do with your kid? You can lock them in the fucking room. But how do you get three pistols? These are the questions that you sit there. I know I got pistols, you know, but you sit there and you go, how do these kids that are fucking college kids? I don't fucking know, bro. Hey, you want to hear something interesting? I know this is

really sad and stuff. What the fuck are you going to drop on me? How can you make that sadder? Well, it's not, well, maybe it'll be lightning your spirits and stuff. There's an Asian lady over there, and she keeps falling asleep, so her eyes. go from Asian to like more Asian. Where is she?

That's over there. Yeah. That's my girl. That's my girl. Leave her alone and shit. She's not Asian. She's Hawaiian. Leave her alone.

By the way, you got to fuck with the Hawaiians. Leave him alone. That could be BJ Penn sister. Next thing you know, you're outside getting hit with pineapples and fucking and fucking palm trees and fucking skateboards and shit. What's on your agenda?

my little brother. What's happening in your world, cock sucker? I'm super high right now. Yeah, the Cheever-a-Chicot. Have you ever used J-Date? What? No, I've never used J-Date. It's the worst. Here's the problem with J-Date. With the posters they make, they got to make them register as Jews to the mind. By my applause. Anybody belong to dating services? Tinder does not count.

People. There's 100 people in here. One of years. There's definitely some people on O.K. Everyone's on O.K.C., no, I'm not on that. You can be. Well, that's because you're a comedian You got to go out at night For people like me who like to stay inside And get scared talking to girls

There's some people in here Who are on OkCupid or match I've seen all of you Now you're not scared To talk to girls Not anymore, but when I was fucking 18 Yeah You're a fucking pimp, dog

It's hard talking to them You're dating a Mexican-Spanish woman I know You're a pimp, you're better than you You love her, you eat fucking Mexican food You're learning Spanish No, no, she won't teach me. Well, you got to watch Telemundo.

I told you already. That's how you learned to speak Spanish. They talk fucking fast on Telemundo. So what? All you got to watch, 24-7. That's what you got to pick up one word. I told you to watch with sports. You watch with Deportes.

O'ye, look, most of New York. They got on the Giants of San Francisco. Four, three, peichot, the Pichol of the Smith. Did you know what he said? Pichot, contra Gonzalez. You know what we're going to do? What we're going to do?

What we're going to do? The last I was in the music of Latin in Mexico in the League National nationally and we're going to pass on.

All I remember is that that one show and they were like Sobrot Gigante Mira Saturday night That wasn't me

I'm not a Sabado Gigante type of motherfucker I'm a Walter Michael type of motherfucker you understand I grew up

on the biggest faggot of all time I grew up a fan of Walter Mikado because when you're kid and you watch Walter, you can't figure out what the fuck he is.

And you can't ask your mom, like, Mom, what the fuck am I watching? Comes your mom's like, that's a faggot. No. If you were lucky, your mom, I'm like, that's a real faggot right there. I don't even know why you're watching that. There's Walter with a cape on, with a vong. Telling you your horace. Pizis. Amor, Amor,

and more amor. That all what you want is in the life. Walter Mikado is a fag that let me tell you something, but I respect him. Ricardo Matabon? No, not Ricotta. His name is Walter Mikado.

IMD, that bitch. He was gay when it wasn't even cool to be gay. And he wore a cape and a fucking set of pajamas. And he went out there and broke the horoscope down for you and you watched it. You didn't give a fuck.

Even if you fucking didn't know what the was when people were sitting around like oh my god the Mets one what are you a Scorpio oh you not goes how grand they're like what the fuck are you talking about you're dropping Walter on a motherfucker you know what I'm saying oh my God you see you found him he has blonde hair he has blonde hair he looks like Dora's Day he looks like he looks like this guy is the original That's why all these guys that get insulted when somebody makes a gay statement.

Walter Mercado. Wow. Look at that gold suit he's wearing. Walter's been fucking young boys since 1968 and nobody said nothing. He's 82. Look at that guy.

He's 82 and he's still flinging big. He looks like the fucking Joker on television. And he's still, you know how many people watch this motherfucker? He sells books. He sells Holy Water. He sells diet products. Look, there's a meme about him in Spanish.

What does that say? What does the top part say? Let me put my glasses on, I don't know what makes. In tu forturo. Must be good. Noches de alcohol and puta-a-a-a-a-alta. What does that mean? Who knows what that means?

Who knows what that means? Help me out, what does it mean? That means that I see in your future a night of drinking and sucking cock. And puterea. See, how am I going to figure that out by watching Telemundo? I'm never going to think he just said, you're going to be a whore. But no, you learn by one word at a time.

You learn by one word at a time. Right now you're 25. You're past the fucking sponge age. Like my daughter is 16 months. Everything I say in front of her now is going to the computer. And eventually one day she's going to say, Me cago and c'o'u'u'u'u'u'u'u'u' mother. That's just the way it is, because she's just the way it is.

She's gonna hear it. She's gonna say it because it's an act. Right now she's going, be-b-de-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b. And all that fucking retard shit. But that shit snaps in about two months. So they're sponges, and they learn the language. Right now when you're 25, it's a little harder.

You're 25? Yeah. No way. How old do you think he was? A lot older than that. He's a 25-year-old young man. Wow. He's 52 in Ju-July.

Godly. He's 52 in Jew. That's a young man. Look at him. He's looking all handsome. He's high. Look at him. You got to make him feel old.

Look at him now. He's already. He's Jewish. He's thinking about life insurance right now. How's he going to afford life insurance? He's got to get there sooner now. Oh, look at him. His bar mitzvets for money. He's got to spend it.

Before the stock options run out. You better get it together, Cogsucker. What? You're smoking too much dope. You're looking like he's, 32. You know what I'm saying? Don't worry about the Chinese chick for him asleep. She's so tired. It happens. It's Wednesday fucking night, man. I'm passed out to. What do you think I'm doing

right now if I wasn't here with you guys? Sleep. Oh, sleeping. Jumping up and down right now. I got a double edible in me. I'm smoking the vaping pen and I'm challenging it with a fucking coffee. Like I'm like, come on, motherfucker. Bring it on. I want the full effect. I want coffee, reefer, and two pot cookies in my system. And I have all these grand plans. Like, I'm going to write a novel tonight. And by fucking 10 to 10, I'm on the couch. Calling Lee, we're coming over.

No, I'm sleeping. I just torture them all night. I just keep calling, putting them on the hook. I'm coming over. We're bringing Reefa cocksucker. Like, I'll call him all night now. What are you doing? You did that in San Jose.

I'm fucking high. All right. He gave me edibles in San Jose. He sent me to my room and then call me with the Future Act, Butch Eskabar, who showed us this hooker app. And he kept calling every 15 minutes. The hooker's 10 minutes away. Like Uber?

And he calls them. He just saying, hold on, let me make my bed. Yeah. I was high. I didn't want someone coming over. I got to make my bed. Hold on. There's a shit stain in the toilet.

Don't send her up here. I'm like, she's a hooker. She'll lick it for $10. For another five, she'll make the bed at this point in the fucking game. There's no hooker. I made my bed for nothing. I got a big. What the fuck, Harvey?

Who's your ringtone? I got to do it. I got to. No, sleigh bells. I got to do an interview in a second with China, the Chinese newspaper. Really? Yeah. Here we go.

Are they going to let you come back? I don't know, we'll see. You're getting trouble. They're going to whip you. Remember they whipped that kid? The Canem, yeah. Who did they whip? So you can't smoke pot for three weeks.

Wow. They're going to fuck you up. Okay, I'm going to definitely take edibles through the entire way in the plane. So, like, right before we land, eat a bunch more. So the first, like, eight, nine, hours covered and they'll only have like two and a half weeks left you want to be high somewhere where you can't speak the language that sounds terrible yeah making a good point I want to get the shoved into those cars in the subway cars you know the guy

that shoves you in it's thick I'm gonna do that just one stop I want to do that don't they have pills now can you don't they make THC pills I'm not taking them with me oh okay you can take them with you I know where to get them I'm not taking them with me. And you put them with your fucking joint medication for your elbow and your knee. You know, the shit for your cardiovascular health. You put them in there.

So if they ask you, you know, what happens? What are you going to do? I don't know. Take one. I bet you ain't coming to work, motherfucker. Bruce Lee would have come to work after I give you one of these things. There were 100 milligrams.

Pure, no sugar, no nothing. It doesn't hit you right away. It hits you like eight, nine hours later. Wow. And you forget. Like, this shit's a fucking. beat. I ain't ever taking that. Beep.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. You all right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm all right, man. I'm all right. I'm all right. I'm gonna make my bed. There's a hooker coming over. You bad motherfucker.

What can I say? My mom raised me right. When I'm having a hooker come over. Anyway, once the shower curtain falls, that means pretty much the bingo game is over. Just like a bingo table. The end is near. There's an old school bingo table. Anybody ever played bingo?

You ever worked no Catholics here? Yeah, with the old ladies. You ever worked a bingo game when you're a Catholic? That's how I first learned how to make money. How to work the bingo games. You'd sell them coffee for like, that's a lot. say they order coffee for 30 cents, you charge them 55 and make a quarter.

Then the old ladies will give you a tip on Sunday nights. I know how to work it, dog. Pretzels, coffee. If you gave them good luck, they gave you an extra dollar. Sometimes you got to work a bingo game, dog. You don't work that shit when you're Jewish, don't they do at things? What do they do at the Jewish activity center?

We don't really make it about money. It's weird that Jews didn't make that about money at all, and you guys did. What kind of games are you play at? Jewish basketball? They're Jews who played basketball by you? Yeah. Growing up, we all played basketball.

The fucking Beastie Boys, you know. Yeah. That's what it's all about. That's the Beastie Boys, the ones that are still alive. Fucking, no, I'm just saying, you guys like the, he was a different type of Jew. Oh, yeah. Where did you grow up? It was out of Boston?

Oh. I was Orthodox. So you guys like the different black dudes that Lawrence Fishburn play. Right. You're the black dude tonight. Turner and you're the Jew and see so you're both you see you see what I'm saying about Bruce yeah he took two characters and played them completely different that were the same so next time you see King of New York on I think it comes on Sundance watch it for your

uncle Joey and some good fucking scenes in that movie it's not Academy Award winner it's fucking pretty good what channel sundance you're playing oh Sundance and he said Sundays yeah there's a Sundays channel a Sundance Sundays channel it's just the only things to do with Sunday's Christopher Walken comes out of jail. He has these black bandits, couple of Puerto Ricans. The fucking opening scene is tremendous. Lawrence Fishburn, and what's the guy from, Borghawk Empire?

Seabushemi. They're in a room with a Colombian guy, and they're fucking busting his balls. And Lawrence Fishburne's asking the Colombian for a soda. Where's my motherfucking can of Coke? I ain't cutting a motherfucking deal so I get my motherfucking Coke and shit. And tell your boy to send some ice cubes with that motherfucker.

And all of a sudden they come in, the guy's drinking the coke. And the guy goes, we make the deal. We'll pay your fucking money. And he goes, where's the money, bitch? And Lawrence Fishburn gives him the suitcase. And he opens it up and it's a bunch of tampons. And he goes, what the fuck is this to plug your holes, motherfucker? Bam, man, bam!

And him and Bushammy, you shoot the fucking Columbia and all. That's how the movie starts. You understand me? That's a good line. Yeah, it is a good line. Because when he probably was packing the tampons, he knew what he was going to do. No, he didn't.

He just said, let's pay him off with tampons. Maybe they need tampons in Columbia, and he opens up the fucking suitcase, and they fucking shoot him. And then they want to take over it. They want to save a hospital. This is where it gets fucked up. Christopher Walker gets out of prison,

and he wants to buy a hospital in the ghetto and keep it open. He's a bad guy. That's a good guy. So he hangs out with all these Republicans, and he goes to fundraisers, but he's really killing people at night. So he goes to this Chinese dude,

that has like 15 pounds of heroin, street value, $60 million. And he cuts him a deal at the hospital. And the guy goes, you're really fucking crazy. It's not to this conversation, Frank White. You're really fucking crazy. So finally, he goes to cut the deal with the Chinese guy. They show up to Chinatown with all these black guys. They shoot all the Chinese guys.

And they steal the fucking heroin. Tremend. I'm talking. I won't tell you no more. I was getting so into it. Say the whole thing. It was directed by Ariel Ferrar. What's it called?

King of New York. Walk to Talk. King of New York. The public enemy sang about it, and then Biggie was always talking about Frank White. That's who Frank White is. Christopher fucking walking. And the King of New York, you understand me? How the fuck don't you know that shit?

This is what I'm talking about. The youth. The youths. Frank White. That's who he was fucking talking about. Frank White is Christopher walking. I got to tell you motherfuckers everything. It's embarrassing.

I'll download it. Movies about how to fly. how to get through security how to give a chick coke you know this is a ten list wait till my book comes out you're going to die I got how to burn a how to burn the house down how to get rid of the body

when are you coming out with the booker right don't worry about it around what's the question I'll stitch the finger back after you cut it off for the insurance no after you slam it against the door I don't fucking know right I'm high the Cheebo Chu finally connected Just now?

Just now? No, like an hour ago, but I'm fucked up now, you know what I'm saying? It showed up like an hour ago in conversation here. I should sit with my legs closed. That's disgusting. I'm sitting like I own the joint with my legs open. God knows the fumes are coming out. You never know.

I took a shower before I came up here tonight. I took three showers. I don't fuck around. Three showers today? I took a shower before the podcast. I took a shower after I came back from the night. the wine, my balls were on fire. They had that extra sweat on the side

that's a little thicker. It's just stuff that chicks don't like. They're like, oh. Look at the glasses. They're getting fucked up. Some memory it. Some women like that smell. Some women are like, oh, yeah.

I'm dating a fucking cave man. You can scrape it off the sides. But some women just look at you, they know. So as you take that one pant leg off, they're all excited. And they're like, they just look at you. like, this isn't happening. So I went home and took another shower.

Yeah. I had no audition, so I wanted to show up sharp. And then before the fucking show, I was playing with the baby, you know, she smelled like milk. She took another shower. I don't know if the milk got on my neck, the fucking hands, got avocado on them and shit, so. I've taken less showers this week than you took today.

Stop, you got, that's disgusting. I can wash between my toes, I washed my asshole, It's important. Plaintiness is next to godliness. You ain't gonna go to heaven with a dirty ass. You don't take one a day? I don't care if you want to take it. Every day, I don't care if you help blind kids.

If you got a dirty ass, they won't let you into heaven. I really got the message. I got an uncle who had a dirty ass. He never made it either. He's at the same place with a Malaysian plane as that. Fucking limbo. Any questions? Nothing?

Nothing? That's it. Are you for real? Want questions? What happened? Oh, thank you, brother. I need these things, brother. Thank you. I would have got blamed for that somehow. What, brother? I said I would have got blamed for that happen.

How would you get blamed? You're sitting over there. You're stone to the gills. I know, that's what you'd say. You're sitting there. You don't even know where the fuck planet you're on. You should be ashamed of yourself. I know where I am. I told you not to eat that shit no more. I tell him all the time.

Stop eating the edibles. Do you think he listens to me? No, he just shows me out. You've never once said that to anybody. He looks at me. He gives me the finger and pops in his mouth. He's like, fuck you. Now look at you, how are you gonna drive home?

You're giggling. I'm not sure. I'm not that bad. I'll call him in an hour, where are you at home? And I'll tell him right off the bat. What are you eating? I stopped and got a subway spicy Italian. A 12 inch or a 6 inch?

I was thinking about a 12 inch. But I got a 6 inch and some chips, I got the combo. That's only partly true. You don't call it the conchee. I don't call it the combo, I just, I got that and the chips. You're gonna stop a subway tonight? No, I don't know. I'm too hard to stop somewhere, I think.

What the fuck? That's what you're supposed to do. I always get really nervous, like, when you stop, when you're this high, that they're gonna, like, tell somebody else. It's all right. If you go to subway, what kind of sandwiches you get? Bring it down. Spicey Italian, I like that.

I used to like tuna, but that's, you told me it had, like, dolphins in it, so I don't like it. Yeah, no, no. I found the tooth in there. That's no fucking tuna. What do you put on the spicy Italian when you go? Lettuce, cucumbers, and pickles. That's it?

Yeah, and brown mustard. That's not a spicy Italian. That's a disgusting sandwich. A spicy Italian is no mustard and no fucking pickles, all right? For who? It's tomato, lettuce, oregano, salt, pepper, sweet peppers, and vinegar oil. That sounds messy. That's a spicy fucking Italian.

The vinegar and the oil spice up the fucking pepperoni. And first of all, it's not really pepperoni. It's a turkey that didn't make it. So they turn it into a, um, I don't know. We can't sell them as a turkey. A pepperoni at Subway. Fucking chop them up. Everything at Subway is fucking Turkey, correct?

And we're lying. It's everything. It's Subway. It's turkey tuna, turkey roast beef, Turkey, turkey fucking tomatoes. Where you going? What happens? Hong Kong. And that's it. You're leaving, cuck, sucker?

How's Hong Kong doing? These could go either way, ladies and gentlemen, as you saw it tonight. We had a good time. We had some jokes and shit tonight. Whatley, whatly, whatly, what. Have you seen the ad that they put out for, like, the steak and hummus that's always doing? I can't wait. I can't wait. I need to show you. I don't need to show me nothing. I don't want to see pictures of hummus.

Stake, smothered and hose. Both sides. You know what your stomach feels like in the morning? Like you wake up and you think you're going to have a good day? And you take a shower, you brush your teeth, you put clothes on. And then when you get to your car, you're starting right there is where you get that kick. It's like something kicks you in the stomach, but you're not pregnant. You're like, I'm a man, I can't be pregnant.

And you shut that car off and you run upstairs because you can feel. the heat in your leg. Like the shit's going to come out of your knee. That's what happens if you eat a fucking steak and hummus sandwich. The shit will come out of your knee and you're going to call me to drive you to the hospital and I'll go over there and run you over

with that fucking car and end it already. Because I'm not hanging out with somebody who eats a steak and hummus. Well, don't worry. I love... They have a chicken option too. Yeah, that's even better. Some radioactive fucking chicken.

from South America with no head and three eyeballs and shit with a fucking dick got in his head that they gave in fucking Mexico, okay? Stop with that shit. It's funny, I love the veggie and cheese from Subway. I love it. I love it. You have to have some meat on the sandwich. It's no meat, just a piece of that cheese, that communist cheese, and those communist

vegetables with vinegar and oil. It can't hurt you. You will not shit blood. When I was a... You might start it in... comedy that's what I eat when you're a poor comic you eat those all the time it was about 99 12 inch with a bag of chips they're delicious and nobody gets hurt the tuna fish I've heard stories have anybody in this by applause anybody in this room

ever get sick on tuna fish how bad is it I do you want to fucking how bad is it bro you don't want to have a fucking smell onion fish white bread you just get turned off to it for years so If you're gonna go to Subway, I get the veggie and cheese. So I went over there last week, I got the veggian cheese, and they got the tomato vegetable soup, the green chili. Not bad.

And it's only six points, weight watches. They ain't a bad fucking lunch, people. While I was there, some lady came in and was asking, like, what's the difference between roast beef and steak? Like, she was getting steak from Subway. But guys, she thought she was at fucking Artie Morton's. You understand me?

So she was trying, like, how good is the state? And the lady's like, you know, with the missing arms. She's like, how good can it be? For $3.99 for a 12 inch, and I'm missing my arm. How good can it fucking be, okay? And she was like, well, how good is the steak? Is it really good quality? And the girl's looking at her like, are you fucking retarded?

And she's, well, yeah, oh yeah, yeah, yeah. She's like, okay, give me three of them. Like, this lady was, like, stocking up. She was going to go home. I got steak motherfucking sandwiching. And I felt so bad because before the grace of God go I, you understand. You know, I'm a Catholic, man.

You know what I'm saying? I'm like Christian, I'm a Catholic. Big fucking difference, okay? I still sling dick. I go to church, I bite the cookie. Some people get that. Some people don't know what I'm talking about. Only Catholics get that.

They always tell you not to bite the cookie, the body of Christ. Fuck it, he's going down. I bite that motherfucker as soon as I get, ugh, fuck it. This ain't no body. There's a cookie with no flavor. And they took the fat out. That's when they really went downhill church.

Once they took the Oreo fat out, fuck it. I pass on the cookie. I don't want the cookies. Save it. I'll pass this week. I'll do this on my own. Lee, what do you think about this whole situation, Cox Sunday?

It's fucked up. I think you're fucked. What do you got to do tomorrow? Anything special? Nah, not really. I'll put this up. Oh, we're going to go to San Diego? Yeah.

That's right, okay. I don't want, I don't know what I could announce of your schedule. I don't want people to, like, follow us. Like, one time, I said on the podcast, we have an early flight. He's like, I don't want people knowing where I am. I'm flying it out. If you tell people I'm flying out in the morning, they're going to call the DEA and go, Joe Diaz is flying. Check on their ear.

There's nutsack, right? But if I get on the plane and take a picture of my eyeball and twit it, by the time the feds get it, they're like, that's Diaz, he's on a plane. Then they got to press Jose Diaz in. Don't press Joey Coco Diaz in. If you press Joey Coco Diaz and your computer blows up. But if you press Jose Diaz in, that's like John Smith. If you're Spanish, that's John Smith.

You know how many John Smiths fly a fucking day on American Amiens? So they're fuck. Well, John Smith is going to Cleveland. Oh no. There's a John Smith going to the Bahamas. Oh, fuck him. He's done. Fuck Joey D.

He's just got a couple Cheebo Chews and his dick. Do you have any more for tomorrow? Are there more tomorrow? What's that? Chewichu's. There's more every day. The world is your oyster, Lee. All you gotta do is say, I want to fucking get an eye.

I want to see the devil. And he'll be there within 15 minutes. You know that. With a tuxedo on and a six-pack of beer. six-pack of beer. All right? There's always Cheebo-Choose. They'll never run out of Reefa.

Even after the fucking Russians attack us and there's nuclear waste, you'll still have Chewishu's. Some of you'll have Reef. That's good to know. You see people, see what I've got to deal with? You think my job is easy? I should be in jail right now, but I control myself.

Most people would be in prison right now, but I'm a good man. I'm a Christian man. Not Catholic. Fuck those motherfuckers. I love you guys. Thank you very much coming out tonight. We'll be outside. Lee wants to smoke Riefer.

No, I don't. So if you got marijuana, go up to Lee. He wants to get hired and fuck tonight. I prefer if he didn't do that.