The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - The Church Of What's Happening Now Live #13

Episode Date: August 4, 2014

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt are joined by Comedian Miss Pat LIVE from the Ice House. Recorded live on 07/30/2014

Speaking of getting high, I want to bring my co-host and little brother up here tonight. He got a half a cookie in him already. Give him some love. My ma-membs to Lee Syatt. You bad motherfucker. What's going on, Lee? Talk to me. I've come in somebody's belly button.

I never fucked anyone in the belly button. Oh, Jesus Christ. That's where it goes. You used to be a nice Christian boy. You know what I'm saying? You never talked about coming to nobody's belly button. You were even scared. You were scared for a long time.

You never came in nobody's belly button. Well, not a purpose, but when you just... when you pull out it just goes and then it... All right. So if it wasn't on purpose, if I know anything about you, you probably turned red

and went and got like a wipe it and wiped their belly button. Yeah, probably. I said, I'm sorry. All you're supposed to do is stare. You're supposed to stare that motherfucker down and look at her. And then they'll know, you know what I'm saying?

But if you're a gentleman, that's what I've always loved to buy it. But the scariest thing I ever saw once was when we had cookies on the way down to San Diego, and you ate an entire pack of gum and just swallowed it while I was high. I told you.

Oh, when I'm fucking stoned, I will go through 19 packs of gum. Listen, every time I go to this liquor store, I ain't going to lie to you people. My favorite fucking gum is chicklets, but my all-time favorite favorite is the Mexican border gum. Those four pieces to a package?

Oh, yeah, yeah. There's nothing better than those. The red one, the pink one, and the purple one. You put all three packages in your mouth at one time. That's 12 pieces. and just chew that motherfucker down. You people forgot, I went to an Armenian dentist.

This cavity right here, this motherfucker is from a dead dude that the Armenian dentist just took my molar out and put a new one in that motherfucker. Last week I cut a piece of wood with this motherfucker. You understand? It cost me $150. If you need a tooth, go see an Armenian. They don't fuck around.

When it comes to dentists, these motherfuckers on it to a different level. Different level. Everybody wants 10,000 to fucking tooth, not the Armenian. 150 and a guarantee. and a guarantee and a fucking calendar. That's how they fucking wrote. When was the last time some motherfucker sent you a calendar? You understand me?

This is a false tooth back here. I fucked this molar up. I cracked it, eating like a gumball, and I fucked it up. And I went to the dentist, and he wanted 1,500 to replace it. I kid you not. Like, two weeks before Christmas. I wasn't even close. I didn't even have half of that. But I told my wife, and she's like,

fuck that. I got an Armenian guy in Glendale. He'll fix that. that fucking tooth. Slick, slack, Magoo. I got there at 8. I was out of there

by 845 with a new tooth and my tire was aligned. You understand me? They don't fuck around Armenians. They go all out

for your business. And they go with insurance scams. They really are. If you need fucking cash back, let's say, let's say your car

hits a motherfucking tree, right? Listen, I ain't going to, listen, one thing about Uncle Joey, I break it down for a motherfucker, all right?

About five, six years I was driving on the 101. I was a little stoned. My friend had passed. A husband had passed. My mind was somewhere else. I'll tell you, motherfuckers, because I'm honest for you.

And I backed into this dude. He wasn't mad. He wasn't a Jew. He wasn't a Jew. He didn't fall out. I can't see. You know, a good Jew with a fellow.

I can't see. I can't see. You know. I'm surprised you didn't do that. No, but I was the fucking offender. What am I going to do? Sue myself, Doc Zucker? Why would I sue myself?

You fuck? Well, you know, you could. There's been creepier ways, but I wasn't in the mood that's bad karma. So I get out of the fucking car, right, guys? And I apologize. He goes, my car's fucked up, so is mine. Body shop guy calms. Me, I call my wife, like a half a fact that I am.

And she tells me call the insurance company. I swear to God, now I'm on 101 by Highland. She tells me call the insurance company. The insurance company tells me you got to take your car away to 1,000 fucking oaks. We only pay for the first three miles of insurance, and after that you pay whatever a mile. I'm sitting in the car, my day is ruined. It's 10 in the fucking morning.

Fuck you. Fuck you. I heard, wha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. And there was a fucking tow truck guy. I didn't know what he was. He could have been Puerto Rican. Oh, he could have been Armenian. I didn't know what he was.

So I get in the car, he's talking to me, and he goes, what body shop do you want? Just like this. He goes, what body shop want? I said, well, you know me, Slim Slammagu. I forgot. and all of a sudden I want to do things right. I'm like, well, Mercury Insurance said to take it to Thousand Oaks Boulevard.

And he just looked at me and goes, it's not happening, though. He goes, here's the deal. How about I get your 500 cash today? I go, what are you talking about? Because I'll get your car fixed. We'll take care everything. And I'll get you a fin to go home with today. You still don't want to go to 1,000 Oaks?

So let's go pick up that fucking nickel. You understand me? I swear to God, he took me to Silver Lake. He took me to a fuck. I'm gonna tell you the name. I don't want to get them in trouble. By the time I walked in, they knew who the fuck I was. Mr. Diaz, how are you?

I'm sorry, do you have any pain? Can you see? Are you Jewish? No, no, no. They had pizza. I swear to my mother's grave. I swear to my little baby at the house. This mother had pizza there.

They had sandwiches. They had Armenian food. They had hummus. Which I was the first time. At least I got... Guys, this is a professional place. This is a professional place. And the motherfucker's like, what kind of rental car you want?

You want a Cadillac? You want whatever you want, dog. You hooked me up with a rental car on then. Within 10 minutes, the rental car was there. I gave my license, did it. Ten minutes later, the chick came out of your office. And said, here's the 500 we promised you pick up your car on on fucking Thursday.

I've been doing business of those motherfuckers ever since. All I got to do is call them and just go, listen, I hit this fucking tree. Bring the car down. Don't worry about no money, nothing. Sometimes they give me 100. Just for fucking, bring them. the car down. One time I called him and said, what happened with the fucking car?

I tried to start it and the battery. He goes, I didn't know what he was starting. He was talking to Armenian. And I fucking just went downstairs and charged the battery. The next day, there was a knockout my fucking door at 801. 801. A little dude with a tuxedo on with a wrench in one hand and a motherfucking battery in the other. Who does that? GM, suck my dick. You understand me? Detroit is dead. I don't feel so good myself. The fucking an Armenian, they got class. Motherfucking even showed up with a little fucking McDonald's Egg White fucking thing.

It was half melted, somebody took the ham out, but it's the principal that fucking counts. 500 up front. That's a real fucking... You know, when I went to see this dentist, this is a joke at all, but it's not really a joke. The other guy wanted $1,500 for the tooth. This guy was like, what's your insurance company? Watch me go to work, bitch.

Bam! 150. Don't worry about nothing. Tell all your fucking friends, all right? And that's what they do. Why do you think you see all the Armenians with Lexuses? And you motherfuckers are driving forwards with a missing bumper. And they've been here for three years because they know how to work the fucking system, cuckers. Sometimes you've got to work the system.

It's available to you. You guys don't happen to fucking read the fine prints. What's Lambamogoo mean? Whatever. You guys let it go twice. And I was like, what a slam bam to do? It means. Suck my dick and call me shorthy.

I was born in 1940, all right? That's what it means. don't ask questions, look straight. But I swear to God, you know, you got to look for bargains like that from time to time. But you got to ask. Next time you get hit or hit somebody, ask the AAA guy. The guy did it to me once. My tire was, I had a flat tire, and they told me,

and the insurance said, like, pet boys or something like that, one of those big ones. And the guy's like, I could take you there, or my friend, for like $100 got me a tire. And it was a creepy one where they're all piled up outside. And I don't know where they got it for. but it was a hundred bucks instead of like 200 and they got your home yeah and that's all that fucking matters dog that's you know sometimes you gotta take a chance people you save 50 bucks remember it's like going to when I was a kid I go to the Bronx to get nickel bags and my gentile buddies would always go you go over there you trust those fucking animals yeah that's what

they do for a living you dumb motherfucker they're not gonna beat me I'm gonna go over there they're gonna give me the fucking they're gonna give me a seven joint fucking nickel bag all right and they're gonna keep giving it to me well you're gonna get robbed no because if I get robbed they're Those motherfuckers are going to get beat up because we're the fucking kids with the dope bringing it into their neighborhood. You understand me? This is not about ha-haz and he-hees, people.

We learn economics, a little history. How to scam the insurance companies. You know what I'm saying? You should bring a pad next time. Don't look around and be twitting me tomorrow. Joey, how do you light this house on fire? I don't know. I was stoned when I told you that story.

You should have asked at the moment, What the fuck is wrong with you? Look at you. You're all giggly. You're looking around. All right. He gave me half of something tonight that yesterday, less than a quarter of,

got me high for eight hours. So if the quarter got you high for eight hours, why would you eat half tonight? That's what I wanted. Like I had a choice. You always have a choice. This is America, motherfucker. Someone will remember that for next month?

You ready eat this? You ready eat this green devil I got in my pocket? No. Because you've got to sacrifice something for the team. You know what I'm saying? I sacrificed something. That was outside. What happened on this being America?

Fuck America, all right? We're in the ice house. We're in Pasadena, don't count. Coming to the stage, where's my girl? Miss Pat, fuck these motherfuckers out. What's up, Miss Pat? I'm not high, I can tell you that. You don't get a...

And I don't exercise with knee pads either. I suck dick with clean knees. Oh, shit. And, Lidda, all the reason why you are come than somebody neighbor because your penis must be small, baby. What's she saying to Lee already? He's talking about he nodded in somebody neighbor.

That because that's where small dicks go, the neighbor. I'm sorry, don't ever tell nobody that. Lee is a freak. You do know that, right? Yeah, but I've been fucked in the neighbor because it wouldn't work at the other place. What are you going to do? It's when you pull out because you don't want to have kids. No, Lee.

Stop eating them fucking cookies. Where do picnics go? If small digs do the belly button, where the big dick go all over? The fuck is wrong with you. You don't know that because you're not rocking a big dick. See, Joey know that because he's rocking a big dick. What if Lee took his pants off?

He had like a three-foot dick. What would you do? I grab one of these cute white girls and say, go at it. What the fuck would you do if Lee had like a fucking arsenal down there? of death, like on his dick, he had like stretch marks with chicks. What are you doing?

You know when you kill somebody? You know how you put the fucking gauze in your gun? Like marks in your gun? That's what he would have on his dick. Like for all the chicks he choked and shit. Choked. I'm sorry. Choked,

choke, choke. People surprise you, man. People fucking surprise you sometimes. We judge people. Sometimes you see a man and you're like, oh, look at that fucking guy. A week later, a friend of the years would say,

that dude's got the biggest fucking dick in the world. He used to do porno, and you're like, what, that fucking little guy? Yeah, his dick is gigantic. Didn't you know he do porn? No, I don't fucking know porno guys. I'm not watching fucking porno guys, you know? You ever had that experience where you see a motherfucker?

No, but I've been fucking since I was 12, and I know when they got big teens. So the question is, have you ever seen a motherfucker that you said, oh, this guy got a little dick he brought him and says, and he had a rope. That would be a nice surprise, but no. Really? No, you know.

You always guessed the size correctly? Well, I slept with a guy who worked out all the time, and I thought he had a nice penis because he had muscles, but he had the small, he had a fucking newborn dick. So I was like, look, I let you finish next week, okay? Why did y'all say, oh, am I hitting home out there? What the fuck is wrong with y'all? That was a long time ago. I'm saying now.

He had a newborn dick. It was really small and I wasn't feeling anything. All it was doing was fucking with my clitorious so I was like, put that shit up. Glitorious, I like that. Clitorious, I like that.

Oh, it's a clitoris. What the fuck is it called? The thing at the top. I don't know. The hoof. Huh? The hoof. The hoof.

The hook. The fuck you've been sleeping with. That's a line from Goodfellers. What is he saying? Oh, good. Look at these little white kids. They're going to go back to the campus and tell everything.

Look at them. Y'all never heard this kind of shit and y'all mansions have you? What's up, baby? Tell me something good here. Oh, shit. I'm just out here. Tide as fuck.

Hungry. Working. Where you want to go eat tonight? What do you want to go eat? What do you want to eat? What do you want to eat? Lee's on a diet, so we got to watch everything. Lee's got our thing on his watch

that tells him on his phone how many calories he's eating. And the last two, Two weeks, everything is 528 calories. Well, that's how you aimed for. I had chicken catchetory. How many calories? 528.

I'm not kidding. Lee turns to watch off at 528. I thought we were cool. Miss Pat. I picked Ms. We had a good afternoon. He looks good. He's getting healthy.

I love you, Lee. I love you too. Lee's looking good. He's getting healthy. You know, he's back in the gym doing his fucking thing. Yeah, I wish I can get back in the gym. I got him out of the house. I'm very happy for that.

Sometimes, you know. I hate leaving the house. Listen, man. Who likes leaving the house? Listen, there was nobody. There was nobody lazy of people than I. I had a plan when I was 21 and I fucked up. Somewhere I got initiative.

Somewhere I wanted to get a life. But I loved the idea of waking up doing a bong hit, making two eggs, baking, and sitting there all fucking day. And maybe you five, maybe you hit the bag, you did some push-ups. you washed your pussy, you hit the, you know, you lifted some weights. You had a salad and you stay home and mind your business every once in a while. Somebody came over to drop a bag of weed on you. Three nights a week, somebody came over and dropped a package on you,

a Coke Rock or a crack hole, whatever the fuck you're into. But I would stay home, I believe, you know, because I was on probation a lot when I was a kid. I swear to God, I was on probation for fucking years, so I knew the only way to beat probation would be to live a certain fucking way. and it was sunup to sundown. I had to leave by sunup and I had to be home by sundown or I wouldn't go out at all.

In my mind, sometimes I scare myself so I don't go out at night. You know what I'm saying? Anybody else have this type of fear or am I the only fucking retard here? What's the problem? I get scared, so I hate going out. But at fucking 25,

I didn't even know what a bed was. Do you understand me? At 25, I was out all fucking night. With blow, without blow. sleeping under a fucking rocket ship at a park. When I was 25, I just needed two hours. And those two hours, I did them anywhere. Anywhere.

I would just go, dog, you mind? Yeah, fucking go ahead. Bam, right in the corner. I get up, I had a toothbrush in my pocket. You think I'm fucking crazy. I was crazy like that. So I would call Lee sometimes. I'm like, Lee, what did you do all day?

I sat here and watch TV. Lee, you got to go out and get some sun, cuck, sucker. You got to get out there, walk around. Just a little bit of fucking sun. So now I'm very happy. that at least he's getting out there. He leaves the house like at three in the afternoon, but he's getting out there.

A little bit of fucking suddenly. You know, because I had a blood test about three or four years ago, and the doctor was, you know where you're really bad at? You're deficient in vitamin D. How the fuck are we deficient in vitamin D living in fucking California? And that's because we're on that fucking computer

all goddamn day, and we sit inside. After he told me that, I was so embarrassed, I'm Cuban. My roots are a fucking island, cock sucker. My roots are a few palms. trees, coconut water, and you're fucking dying to death. What do you think they got in Cuba? They got air conditioning

systems? They got a fucking fan that moves like this and shit. The grandpa has like an old drum set, and he just sits there all fucking day with a thing and the fan is like, eh-uh, eh-uh, they have no fucking air-conditioning. Grandpa take a break and everybody

burn the fuck up. What's up, baby? Grandpa take a break and they get hot as fuck. Oh, yeah, it's all over. Grandpa taking a half. Everybody nods from the fucking heat. That's crazy. My mom only had one fucking fan and we wasn't allowed to get cool at all. So instead of sharing the fan,

she's like, y'all get the fuck outside and enjoy yourself. Bitch, it's 100 degrees out of him. Well, because you get the fuck out doors and turn off the young and the wrestlers. It's hot in this bitch. And my mom was a dirty bitch, too. She would put you out in the summertime

and lock the dough. And you couldn't come back in to 12 o'clock. She feeds you and put you back out. You're like, I think this child abuse, bitch. Black people don't need no tan But that's what you're doing in the ghetto You don't go on vacation You go on the front porch

And sit to that bitch To your mama unlocked the dough My kids know what a vacation is I said you y'all niggins don't know how good Y'all got it Y'all go to Disneyland We go in the backyard and pick up rocks And talk to the chicken

My mom was an old-school crazy bitch She believed a lie she was telling to herself. Like she had a garden in the backyard and she'd be like, Pat, go out there and put nails in the oak tree. For what? So it can rain. I'm like, bitch, that's what the weatherman is for. So we got a dead-ass oak tree in the back of the yaw

with fucking a thousand nails in it. It never rained either. My mama used to get hot too. She smoked a lot of weed. Yeah, because she had one leg and she said it relaxed the leg that was cut off at the hip. I guess when she smoked weed It kept the swelling down

So it would fit in the fake leg I don't fucking know That's the shit she told me Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa Your mother had a fucked up leg? No, she had a fake leg She had diabetes, so they cut And I'll tell you the story

So my mama had diabetes right And they found out she had diabetes They were like, look, we're gonna cut your leg off at the ankle But my mama had been suffering with this foot with a hole in it about this big for like five years But she, when you in it, when you poll

You don't go to the doctor You do what your girlfriends do So they told my mom to say, mix them, suffer, A, and Vaseline together and just pack it in your feet. That is the worst shit. She did that shit for five years, and that shit got so big.

She would go to the doctor. They was like, ma'am, you got diabetes. We got to take it off at the ankle. She was like, uh-uh, niggul. Uh-uh, I've been in too much pain. You ain't going to take this bitch off at the ankle. You're going to take it off up to hell. And they cut a whole fucking leg off.

She told them to them. Ethnic people don't give a fuck. If you're Spanish and you've watched an hour Spanish TV, every three commercials is I go to matal la graza Graza means fat.

Every Spanish person wants to take a pill. You could take this pill before you eat a pig and nothing will happen. And they really want to believe that, man. They believe it. They fucking believe it. You know, there's all these...

Listen, when you have sleep apnea, you have sleep apnea, okay? But on Spanish TV, they fix for 1595. They'll send you a piece of Scott's tape that you'll put in there and you're and guys, you got to go to a doctor. They got to blow air at a high speed

down your throat to keep your mouth open to keep your throat. No, no, no, no. Not on Spanish TV, they don't. They have another potion that you mix with lemon juice and water and you drink that and they show the guy sleeping with three pillows and hookers. It don't, you know.

And it's true. Listen, I didn't, I had in and I wouldn't go to the doctor from my youth. Because I didn't have insurance after 16. I just said, fuck it. You know, when I had a bad tooth, I'd just pull it out with Jack Daniels and a fucking wrench. You think I'm fucking kidding you. You know, I used to get abscesses in my mouth.

I had to go to the hospital. I got cut 10 million times. I wouldn't get fucking stitches. I'd pass out for a while, and I'd put like a towel on my cut, and I'd fucking let it heal at home, man. And that's what happens. And I toughened it up.

And then I started dating my wife. and she's a Gentile. And, you know, she goes to the hospital for fucking anything. If she has a rash, she goes to a fucking hospital, so I started using insurance. That's a true story. I would never use fucking insurance. And we had Medicaid, and she still wouldn't go to the doctor.

She had four teeth forever. She only had four fucking teeth, but she had four fucking teeth, but always wanted to eat tough shit. Like, this is not going to work with your four teeth. You're going to knock them fucking four teeth out. Yeah, my mama wouldn't go to the doctor for shit either Until that foot was about to fall off, you all right

I don't want to turn around And you huffing me like a chihuahua Earth to motherfucking Lee, look at him Lee, what kind of doctor? Did you go to a Jewish doctor Lee? No, I don't think so. When you were a kid, what kind of doctor did you go to? Like the regular one and then the dentist

Was it nobody And nobody was Jewish? I don't think so No wait no I think my No my dentist was His name was Epstein The other one I don't know What the fuck?

Do you remember your doctor's name? Fuck yeah Oh well yeah Because your mom did coke with the dad That's right Orlando Delvia Your mom did coke with the dentist Listen with the doctor

Do you know I still talk to that doctor Like two years ago He's 70-something And he's still getting high He lives in the keys in Miami. He lost his license. I told this story because

the fucking kids was taking his prescriptions in the 80s with the Valiums and shit during the Coke thing. But that guy, listen, man, the world has changed a lot. And if you're young, you're fucked up. It's so fucking... There's a liquor store by my house in Studio City on Kofax and Riverside.

Anybody know where it is? Anybody go in that area? It's a little neighborhood fucking liquor store. Back in the day, you know those liquor stores used to fucking deliver, right? Yeah. You don't even need a credit card. You just call the motherfucker up and go, hey man, I ain't coming out no more. I ain't leaving the house no more.

I'm going to call you every fucking day. I want cigarettes, bread, two bottles of whiskey, a bottle of mixes, margarita mix, give me a pound of cheese, Ascomaya, you know. Because they didn't have the slicer. They just give you cheese, you know? And you could order your whole life from a liquor store. I don't know if you motherfucker's doing it. Yeah, Pink Dot does it now.

Fuck them. I'm talking to... And you can run a taxi. So you can call the motherfucking go, listen, Mr. Smith, this is Leroy, throw a fucking pounder hand for me, two packs of cools, a bottle of fucking whiskey, let's get this party started. I'll give it to you on the fifth when I get my fucking check. And they would work with you. They don't do that at fucking pink dot. You know, people used to fucking deliver.

The doctor used to come to your house. Yeah. My dentist came to. Yeah. We had a mobile day like the ice cream truck. And they were, I'm seriously, he would ring the bell and you would come out there and jumping this white dude chair, and he will fix your fucking teeth if you had your Medicaid slip. Nobody believes this, but I'm 42, and I still got the fucking feelings in the back of my mouth.

Nobody know what the fuck this dude came from. He just show up and say, I'm a dentist. And all the black kids would be lying up with their Medicaid slips in their head. We didn't know if he was a fucking dentist. He probably put us to fucking sleep and fingered us. We don't fucking know. But I can tell you one thing, a couple times I woke up with a feeling. You know, the day I kidnapped Kent Vela, November 18th, 1987.

You kidnapped somebody? I think you're tougher than me, God damn. The day I kidnapped, I kidnapped them at one in the afternoon, but I had a dentist appointment at 845, right? You guys motherfuckers think I'm kidding you. And it was a backdoor dentist. The same thing. My friend, I go, man, I got a two-take. He goes, go see my buddy. I'm scared

to needles. He'll hook you up. I went down there. He gave me pills the night before. I had to go by his office the night before. He told me to take the pills at 7, and I get a ride. And by the time I got there, he gave me the nitricks, and I woke up, and I had the feelings. Those feelings are still in there, guys. Metal, whatever the fuck they are.

They're still rocketing there. And that afternoon, I went from there to kidnap the motherfucker. I've never kidnap him talking about it. When my attorney hired the public, the private investigator, they were trying to get people to say that the nitrous would affect me to kidnap somebody. But I was like, I don't want to go into court with that defense.

I just, no, man, what's the medication to quit smoking? There's a medication out right now that they say it. Metarex works. You know, and they show Judy playing with their kids. and all of a sudden, Judy did it in 30 days. She never smoked again. You know, Metarex was good. I smoked to about a week into the Mederex took the effect.

And then they go, Mederex is great. It works with a prescription. You must go to the doctor. But there is warning signals. Nobody's seen this one. And it goes, you know, diarrhea, back pain, or you might get the urge to commit suicide. Or is it the gambling one?

There's a pill for either gambling or cigarettes that gives you the urge to commit suicide. I'd rather gamble. I'm not right. I mean, what the fuck? So there is medication that'll make you go wacky, obviously. Like if you drink it with orange juice

or something like that, they'll say, ah, no wonder he shot the 18 kids. He drank orange juice. He was supposed to drink fucking orange juice. That's true. But that's true, because when I was taking my diabetic medication, I didn't know you couldn't drink grapefruit juice. So I kept wondering why I was getting fat and my feet were swelling.

My grapefruit juice were tearing the medicine in half. I was getting a half a fucking dose. You learn something fucking new every day, people. I think I need to start. If you got diabetes, don't drink pineapple juice, all right? Grapefruit. Great fruit. Whatever the fuck it is.

Like, I'm old now. So when I drink coffee, it makes my... What fucking old? You're 42. Well, you look good. You still got fucking your man and the size. Well, you know what? You got a beautiful face.

Well, I'm older. So different shit affects me now. When I drink too much coffee, my fucking nipples get really sore. I just went to the doctor last week. So what the fuck is wrong with my nipples? They've been sold for three weeks. And they gave me a fucking... I do chickfully.

I don't fuck with no Starbucks. That's for the faulty people. Fake-ass people standing in line. paying for that extra hot shit. I drank fucking Chick-fil-A. We just covered this two podcasts ago. Yeah, so they told me that I was getting too much caffeine.

That's why my nipples was so, so-so. Young girls, drink all the coke you won't now because when your tithes get old bitch, they're going to be aching. Like, how sore? Why? Yours going to get sore? What? I didn't hurt a lot?

It hurts. Let me grab your balls and I can show you the pain. I'm okay. He's all not that high. I'm sorry to say this, but my ball just got back to its regular color. Where was it? Today, it was like a mild gray and blue.

Your balls had gang green. No, man. My fucking baby stepped on it sideways. So listen to me. Listen to me, guys. I got the chair with the matching thing where you put your feet up. So I got my feet.

I just come out of the shower. I got shorts on, but no underwear. So when I sat down the chair, the ball spread out like a web on the thing. You know what I'm saying? It looked like two eggs, sunny side up. But my shorts were on. So the mother lets her out of the shower. She runs through the gate.

Daddy! She gets on the thing, she climbs up. She turns around. She does her fucking Wally Kazam shit. I tell her double time. And she goes, double time. And then she goes, boom. When she went to go back, she put her foot down.

And the foot caught the... All right, so these are the two nuts right here. She got her foot here, right? And it went this and just stretched this motherfucker. So it felt like somebody was holding on to a nut. And I had him by the window. Like, let's say I'm by the window. And he's like, help me, help me.

Take my hand. But he was holding to the nut with his bare hands, squeezing it. And I can't talk. I'm done. He's like, Wally Gazam, all like that. And I can't push it. If it was anybody else, I would have just pushed them off. This little poor girl, I can't push it.

I'll damage her for life. Daddy fucking tackled me off the fucking couch. So I couldn't push this. So I just made, until my wife came in, she goes, what's the matter? And finally, I just pushed the little leg. I tripped the leg off. And I could feel my nut.

Like, she had it to the end. It was choking. It started throbbing and throbbing. I got up real quick. I put some mice on my nut. No, I didn't pee blood. I didn't fucking crack a nut blood. That's the worst.

Anybody have a crack a nut and blood comes out? Every once in a while, you throw some weights around and shit. You'll see, motherfucker, when you're like 35. It's happened twice to me. One time I ran right to the fucking doctor. And doctor's like, so what? It's supposed to happen. I'm like, what?

I can't see blood. One night I'm fucking whacking off on blow one night. I'm on, like, the toilet. I come. And so I look down, I thought fucking Carrie was there. There was blood everywhere, all over my leg, on my hand, on my faith. And I washed my hands, I started fainting and shit. I took my clothes off.

I went in the shower, and I was all coked up. I finished the coke. And I'm like, I'm going to die. And I wanted to jerk off, but I didn't want blood everywhere again. So I had to just sit there like a fucking zambot. And I got up like an eight, and I called my doctor, and I ran down there. And I told him right out. I didn't tell him I was doing blow and shit.

I just go, last night I was about to, you know, whack off, and I cracked the nut and just pure blood came out. He said, so what? He felt my tonsils or something. God bless you. See, I ain't bullshit you, you're motherfuckers. I don't know, for some reason he felt my tonsils or something. He goes, no, you're fine.

That happens. If it happens again, then call me. It never happened again. So I'm telling you guys my most intimate secrets. And you're like, oh, you know, it wasn't like a... You really raped yourself. You really raped yourself. You really raped yourself?

No, I didn't rape. myself. I did a couple fucking bumps and sometimes it take the edge off. You try to bang one out. You know what I'm saying? And blood came out. That's it. It's just, it's not even an interesting story. I just want to share you people that if it happens

to you. There's a lot of young men here if it ever happens to you. You're never too old or I don't know. No, you ain't going to die. Because that's not, I thought I was dead. Like, I thought I was going to die in my sleep. But who's going to go to the fucking ambulance at 4 in the morning all cooked up to say I got blood that came out of my dick. You can't arrest you at the hospital, right?

They'll just put cups on yourself. They arrest you for jacking your own dick? They what? No. Because blood came out of your dick. You never know what happened. Then they're gonna ask you questions. You want people asking your questions on why blood came out of your dick at four in the morning?

I don't have a dick. I mean, I'm quite sure it's the hospital. I'm quite sure people show up with cucumbers and shit in their hands. Oh, they do. They do. Yeah, people show up all types of objects in their vaginas and shit. The lady just found a dill-dough from ten years. years ago on Facebook.

Y'all saw that shit. I mean, her pussy had to stink, but why she wasn't at the doctor? Stop owing in the aisle. What the fuck is wrong with y'all? I can't believe that somebody would find a dildo ten years later. In the private

part. Think about that. That's a fucked up story right there. So let's say you don't even care that you lost it. Let's say you got 20 of them that went under the bed. You didn't even bother looking. and all of a sudden you know, you guys take showers every day, right?

When you take showers, you scrubble dub, right? Wouldn't you feel a fucking dildo coming out of somewhere? Are you fucking serious? No, I'm saying hers was pushed so far up her that they couldn't, I don't know, fucking... Yeah.

I don't fucking think so, right? I think she was a greedy bitch, so she sticked the dildo up in and then get a real dick and he pushed it clean, up in her guts. So, he rocket-lunched the dildo up a pussy. And she forgot she had started with the dildo, and it was lost for 10 years. Okay, I mean, I could build the story up.

You know, we were having a good time. We were doing some blowing shit. She ate one more volume than me, and she passed out while I had the dildo on her monkey. I had in her hoof. And let's say, I was like, you know, and she was licking my nuts. That's a good position when you're like, this. and you're looking at that monkey and you're putting that hook

and she passed out and the phone rang and you got up and left the dildo in there, right? That's pretend. So what happened? You didn't go back and try to finish her off?

No, you just left the dildo in there. So in the middle of the night her uterus hand came down and grabbed that dildo and pulled it up inch by inch every hour. So when she woke up,

she had a little discomfort of a pussy but she said, you know what? Fuck it. There was eight guys here. I don't know what happened. I'm going to go move on with my motherfucking life. And she goes to work.

Okay, that could have happened, okay? I'm with you. That happens every day in America. Somewhere, some chick wants to go on. I think she's a badass motherfucker, and she runs up to eight fucking savages. That happens all the time in America. The question is, how long...

It cannot be in there for 10 years. It was in there for 10 years. At one point did she not stick a monkey in there or her hand. Everybody in this room from time time checks their asshole, do we not? We do a two-finger Louie. We don't even

we don't even think about doing it. We just go, you know what, I took four shits today? Usually I take two. I'm going to hit that area a little harder. You get that washcloth and you get in there and you feel some stuff. You go, what the fuck? I went too deep or something. Somewhere,

you're going to say in 10 fucking years, you're going to go, wow, there may be something. I'm in there. You know, you have a pimple by your ass and you don't know it. Like you're walking and your ass hurts and you're like, what the fuck? Maybe it's hot out. You know, sometimes you scratch your ass and salty water goes in there and it's it.

I'm just saying, people, what the fuck? And then that night you go home, you're watching your favorite TV show and you get like an itch and you go back there and buy you, your ass does like a white head. And now you've got to get into like a yoga position and get your hand and pop the pimple on your ass. You're all looking at me weird because it's all happened to us at one time or another. Don't look at me like I'm the fucking bad guy here, people. What? What's up, brother?

Good to see you. Chris Cornell, Soundgarden. That's my little brother right there is shit. Bad motherfucking motorfinger. He just moved here, so welcome him. He's a church member old school that moved from another state to be part of the California movement. You understand me? Sometimes you gotta take a chance.

Columbus did. Stop staying at home and watching your fucking TV set. Because that's what happens, California. Since the time with kids, they just push California on you. If you're a fucking communist, you're like, fuck those fucking hippies out there. They're smoking grass. They're walking around naked. They're on the beach all day.

You know. But there's some motherfuckers that, fuck that. They're smoking dope. They got bodegas that sell weed. We're moving out there. Fuck it. So some people take a chance. I want to welcome my brother for moving here.

Where are you from? He was living in Little Cuba. Salt Lake City, my friends. Just walking there, you can feel it. Like you're like, oh, big boys watching here. That bring them young, they don't fuck around. Those Mormons, Jack. They got double security.

You're like the Scientologist. Oh, I was about to say, you're some healthy motherfuckers. He's some fucking Guam. I don't know what the fuck Guam is. I thought it was that. That fucking 12 sticks of gums you chew. It's a little island by Hawaii, you know what I'm saying?

You walk to Salt Lake City from Gwold? You walked? Oh, okay. Well, welcome. Miss Pat, you can't fucking walk from Guam. Well, he's fucking Mexican. They do a lot of shit to get here. He's not Mexican.

Well, close to it. No, he's Guamese. shit they do a lot of shit to get here you're not guamese you what chamorrho's a native see I'm ex-slave and now I'm black

the fuck he's talking about I don't do maps an educational show I didn't even know for I'm at his own nationality I thought it was Filipino I didn't know see what I'm saying Pete the church you learn something

at every fucking point you guys are going to get home instead of having sex, you're going to go online. They're going to go fucking Guam. Let's check this out. Let's do a book report tonight with Uncle Joey. That was the last time your motherfuckers did a book report. It's been years.

They don't do book reports. About Guam. Talk to them. Smoke some weed with him after the fucking show. Take a chance. You know what I'm saying? I know Guam brought some fucking weed. Guam is where Ralphie May got busted, correct? That's where he got busted on the fucking thing with the dog went up to him. That's the only

place that the dogs work. Trust me. For years, I thought those dogs work. Those dogs don't work, dog. Miami one time the dog worked. That's it. But at the airports and shit, those dogs don't fucking work. One time, I was at the New Jersey, Newark Airport, my flight was delayed.

And I go, I'm going to go in the bathroom and roll a joint. And as I was walking that way, a guy was walking this way with a dog. And I ran into the fucking bathroom and hit it in the last store, in the handicapped store, in the roll of toilet paper, you hit the weed in the tooth. and the rolling papers.

And I went back out and the fucking dog came up to me and sniffed me. He didn't do nothing, right? So I got nothing. He's got him. He could be a fucking Fugazi or he may not be a fucking fake, right?

Once he walked past me, I went in the bathroom, got my wig, got my rolling papers, and ran the fuck out of the airport and fucking rolled it at a different bathroom and ran to the front of Newark Airport, sparked it up,

and when I was done, guys, you couldn't fucking write this as I was done. And I threw the fucking roach, I turned around and they were walking up to me and he goes, are you the guy from the Sopranos? And I'm like, it was like 10 years ago

when the Sopranos was hot, right? I'm like, no, that's not him. And my fuck guys, the fucking, my apple was in my throat. This dog, if he was any good, he had me. Now, I still had the weed on my fingers because I'm a lefty with the fucking joint. That dog came right up to me.

I pet him by the eyeballs. Nothing. He didn't bark. He didn't fucking do nothing. You understand me? And I felt like telling the guy, this dog's a fake, but, you know. I'm not going to argue with a cop when I got fucking 25 bags of weed on me and shit. Lee, you all right, cock sucker? Look at you. Yeah, I'm good. I give you a little cookie and look at you, you're fucking zumbo.

That's it. I love it. Look at the shit. I love it. I love that Lee's living. He's going back to the gym. He's at 24-hour fitness on the hippily. Liptical, doing this thing. He's going to go for. How many minutes? How many calories are you going for this week? Well, my, my, uh, go my, my, my, my, my high is 800.

So I thought if I could do another, get another 15 minutes? So you've done 800, you've burned 800 calories on one workout? Yeah. How long did that take you? Like an hour and two minutes. An hour and two minutes. You were moving on that. That's a lot of calories about it.

You were moving on that motherfucker, aren't you? Yeah. You've got to tape that shit and put it on YouTube. No, that's, that's, you're going to. a million fucking hits. I don't have a good form. There's people that are like... 800 fucking calories in an hour and two minutes.

I want to see what that looks like. You're moving, cocksucker. You must have 15 Red Bulls. No. I mean, when I first started, when you were on Rogan, like four or five weeks ago, I could barely do 15 minutes, and I turned on Rogan just as you got on,

and I passed out for like 24 straight hours. And now I can do about an hour. So it's pretty good a good thing. I'm very proud of you're a bad. That's a motherfucker. That time you see Lee, he'll just be a little head. Like this. It'll just be like a little Jewish boy and shit.

You know? That's it. Look on him. He looks good with his little beard. He's got a girlfriend. He's going to get married soon. No, well... You're not going to get married?

I am, but well, not soon. How soon? Three years? I don't know. Maybe. And where are you going to get married at? Probably here. You're going to get married.

At the ice house? I don't know. I don't know. I figured they give us a good deal. No. So you're Jewish and she's Mexican. What will the wedding be like? She's Mexican?

Yeah. Oh, wow. Y'all going to have a lot of babies. What kind of wedding do you think this will be like? Describe it to me. Break it down. You think they'll be dancing Spanish music? I'm sure they'll be Spanish music, yeah.

It's going to be an interesting party with like really, really white, aggressively white Jews. and then people who don't, like, there's two people in their family who speak English, so it's going to be interesting. There's only two people in her family that speak English? Yeah, they're like real deal Mexicans. So what do that mean?

They're illegal? No, they, no. Somebody said yes, you asshole. Well, they did. Her mom came over. Can you imagine that if they're illegal? The feds listen to this, and they follow Leo.

Well, Mr. NSA. And Lee kisses them and shit, walks out. He walks to his car like two minutes later, he here, freeze, immigration. And they come running out, and the mom's getting beat up. And Lee's like, what's going on? What's going on? They're immigrants.

I didn't know this. Can we still say I do? The mom just became a citizen. Yeah. How long was she here? How long was she here? 30 years at least. Wow.

She's been a citizen. I know. After like a fucking year, they don't catch you fucking. Just come down to LAPD, do the paperwork. Who gives a fuck? Yeah. You've been here, you haven't gotten arrested,

you got a job, you have a kid. All right, fuck it, let's do this. You know what I'm saying? I got to break your balls. You got to go and put your hand up. You got to take that stupid-ass test? You got to take the fucking test and, I pledge allegiance.

What the fuck? You know what's fucked up? You have to say, I pledged allegiance, but you don't do that shit in school anymore. So why do you have to do it to take the test? I'm with you. If you don't get caught, then who fucking just let them stay here? After a year, listen, when the Cubans, listen, for years, if a Cuban hits a beach

and just tags that motherfucker. Just tagging. He just tags it. He gets into immigration. He does paperwork, and they ship them off a Catholic ministry or pick them up and put them in a different Minnesota. Somewhere where there's no fucking Cubans. That's what they do to them. I swear to God.

Watch a fucking special called Balcero. They take these fucking Cubans and they break them up. into places there's no Cubans. Why are you putting fucking Cubans in Minneapolis with the fucking snow on a ski resort? Why? The guy's going to escape. It's his natural fucking thing.

He's going to hit somebody in their head and leave. It's just, you know, you can't do that to these fucking people, you know? Anyway, I'm sorry. I'm stoned to the gillsam. Miss Pat's got the motherfucking floor. Ms. Pat turn it up on the podcast circuit, dropping knowledge.

You know. I don't have no weed knowledge. It's so weird because I never have seen the reaction that people have reacted to Ms. Pat because of the realness. It's that time, ladies and gentlemen. It's taking over. Real people want to be associated with real people.

If not, you go to Starbucks, you put your little fucking fedora on. You get your little tattoo. Make sure you pull up the sleeve so they see the tattoo. That's very important so they know that you're cool. And you could do that lifestyle. And it's us.

this underground, we're fucking half losers, whatever the fuck we are, and we're just trying to make our lives better and we go out and we listen to a podcast that's a bunch of fucking jerk-offs, just talking about shit. And you know, I was telling Lee today, but the fucked-up thing about it

is when you get out and you start sharing your life, people don't want to believe you. Like, I had a bunch of negative remarks from Rogans, and they was like, bitch, this can't be real. And I'm like, who the fuck are you, white boys sitting at home with fucking frozen crue comers in your ass? I don't give a fuck about you. You know, they said

They was calling me niggers and everything. I don't give a fuck about the niggas but don't tell me my life ain't real because you was born on health care, bitch, and I was born on Medicaid where we were living in one room. Fuck you, white boy. Not y'all.

I got to, I mean, and, you know. I went on the, I went on the Duncan Trussell podcast, who's my brother. And one day, a year later, somebody sent me reviews to the podcast. And they were people. Let me tell you how fucking limited their mind was. Because they pose as very intelligent people.

And they use all these big words. Yep. But let me tell you what these people were saying, that when you're a comedian, you shouldn't be heavy. Because it's not funny. That real comedian are in great shape. That John Candy wasn't a comedian. And right there I knew it was like three little,

that was the remarks they had about me. And I looked at those three people alone that thought that way, that pose as intelligent people that are really closed mind, the dumb motherfucking Nazis. That's exactly what they are. And it was like 20 of those comments. But, you know, man, you can't even look at those. Because I used to get those, and I just steamroll forward. And now they're either on the program or they're not.

I don't get mad at them. I know, I know. There's a lot of people I don't like. And a lot of them was like, they was questioning shit. Like, because when I sold drugs, I bought a bunch of calls. I was 16, but fucking money. You don't have to have a license to buy cars when you in the ghetto people, okay?

So I'm a fucking 16 years old with eight cars. They're like, how the fuck you're going to have eight cars when you're 16? Because bitch, I had money, okay? I had a learner license with a crackhead on the passionate side who had a real license so I could use my learner's license. Go fuck yourself. And they were just calling me all kind of bitches.

And I was like, okay, I'm going to respond back. Come on, meet me at Starbucks so I can fuck you up. But they say I can't respond. like that because I'm sharing my life and I'm in the public. But I want to talk back. I was like, how to fuck Beyonce sat down and let these motherfuckers call her baby Nap-a-Head and she's not respond?

You know, I'll be like, bitch, my mother-fucking baby comb is worth your house. But you can't respond like that. You know, I'm from the hood. You say something about me. I take my motherfucker half, fucking take my bra off and we fucking fight. You know, in the hood, they take off their bras

so they can be loose and that fucking... Oh, you ain't never fought a bitch with no bra on the white boy. I was fighting this bitch one time right because she was sleeping with my baby daddy. And so we get the fight and she's pulling the shit out of my house. All I could do would grab her titty. It ain't never had a titty in my mouth. I bit that bitch nipple.

I was chewing on it like, gone. That's the only time I ever sucked a titty. I wouldn't let that, but I said, If you don't let my weave go, bitch, I'm not letting your nipple go. The same value, the same value. You know, it's funny, one of the first times I was on a Rogan podcast, I told the story where I had this friend that is in the mob. I grew up with him.

No big fucking deal. We weren't best friends. I'm not saying we're best friends. I know who he was. I knew his younger brothers. So about eight years ago, I get a call from this guy at my house. And he goes, listen, a kid we grew up with that's been in a wheelchair. chair, they're doing a retirement party, and we like for you to be part of the benefit.

And if you can, I said, absolutely. And he goes, we'll call you back with a date. And that's it. That's all the conversation. How are you? How are your brothers? How's Mike? Great.

All right, send him my love. I hung up the phone. Maybe six weeks ago by Aunt Pat, Miss Pat. And I'm on my balcony. This is in Hollywood. And a fucking mail truck pulls up by four in the afternoon. And he walks in and I go, who are you here for? And he goes, I'm here for Jose Diaz.

And I go, I'm Jose Diaz. And he goes, can you sign this? It was certified mail. And it was from Hackensack County, a county in New Jersey. It was out of Hackensack. And it was a letter informing me that I was on a wiretap. Okay? Why?

I don't know. I looked at it like if they were taping me. I ran upstairs, called my attorney. He goes, fax it to me. I faxed to me. He called back. He goes, no, no, no, no. Whoever called you on their side had a wiretap.

And because they prosecuted him after that, the counter who's ever investigating him has to notify you by mail that you were caught on a wiretap. So I told the story. No, no, I didn't say, I didn't tell this yet. And then they called me to do the benefit. So I had to call him.

I never repeated to him that I was getting letters, especially not on the phone. I kept talking back and forth to him. I kept the very professional. Where am I going to stay? And, you know, I went back, and when I did the benefit, I told him that I had gotten a letter and he giggled and that was it.

When I got back, and if I tell you this guy's name, if you Google this motherfucker, what will come up on Google is a picture of him with an orange suit with handcuffs on in front of a judge in New Jersey, classic. So I fucking told him and then when I got back about six weeks later, I got seven or eight letters. And I go on the Rogan podcast and I tell this story,

oh my God, all those fake legal experts. were attacking me. Fuck you. The feds would never do this. Meanwhile, I got this shit. I had it, and I just put it away. And I went back and forth with them. My feelings were hurt also.

And I went back and forth with them. And then they just went away. And then I was going to be on the Rogan podcast. And the one wise guy came up out of the dead and goes, why don't you bring the letters up to the Rogan podcast? So I brought the letters up, and I told the story and showed the letters. Nobody ever fucked with me again. Yeah.

You know, and that's the thing. People are going to have their doubts or whatever. I don't even call them haters, because I'm the same way sometimes. Somebody might say something, and then I have to think about it. And after I think about it, I judged them. And then I just rode with it because I don't want people judging me. That was their life. And then eventually something happens, like Lorenzo Carcatera, the guy that wrote sleepers.

He forgot the story. You know, whatever. It don't bother me now. Lee, what the fuck, Lee. What the fuck, Lee? free. Lee, you got to drive home. I don't want to hit no fucking smoke.

What the fuck did you give Lee? This is the only place you can get weed at church. That's all. I've never seen this much weed in my fucking life. You don't smoke, correct? I don't smoke shit. I mean, I sold a lot of crack, but I've never been involved in weed like this.

We didn't bring a lot of money. You never smoke crack? No, I ain't never smoked no fucking crack. Do you know it crack? Look, make motherfuckersers? It looks like they don't put on makeup after they smoke crack. Then they sell pussy for $5. You want me to work that hard?

Anybody see the picture of the black dude of CSI? I was going around last week. Remember he was on CSI in the very beginning, good-looking brother, and then something happened after eight seasons. He was already a millionaire, and something happened. He wasn't on the show anymore, and they showed a picture of him a couple weeks ago, before and after, but they arrested him in Broward County on a crack charge. My fucking God.

I think I did see that. Did you see that? That dude was really good looking. Great smile. He's done. You know? I mean, that was... I dealt with Coke.

I was addicted to crack for about six or seven weeks. I ain't going to lie to you motherfuckers. Late in the winter of 98, I was addicted to crack. I don't know how I shook it. And I was smoking the house. And my girlfriend, who was my wife today, what said to me, what's that smell? And I go, this is the weed, man.

Go back to sleep. I know that shit They smell really sweet When you smoke crack It smelled like somebody's baking cake I'm serious That's what it smelled really fucking sweet That's how I know

Like my sister smoked crack And that's why I don't smoke crack Because my sister's have smoked so much crack That this bitch done fucking fucked up her spine So her neck won't be stilled What the fuck are you a barberhead dog? And she just got out of jail

And her neck beat She'll be talking to you Her nigg just spats. I was like, what the fuck? Yeah. I had a friend, and that's how gone. He's not with us no more. But listen, how old you're just to smoke crack for?

She just got off crack and she was 45 because she did a year in jail for running over my cousin, transsexual boyfriend, whatever the fuck. Petty. Dude dressed like a girl with his dick tuck up his ass. My sister ran them over, so she had to do a year in jail. So all her life, she'd been on crack. How much fun would that be to hit her? transsexual with a car. And to be a court with him,

checking them out, his wig's all fucked up. His shoulders, his arms in the sling. And you're dying to laugh. I mean, at that point, you know they're going to give you 10 years. They might as well. They gave her a year.

Oh, my God. She ran, but they said they wouldn't have gave her a year, but she ran them over, and then she bagged up and ran them over. Then she backed up. They was hot. They were smoking crack. And the transsexual smoked too much of the crack.

So she hid him with her car. That's the shit you do when you smoke and crack. You steal from your mama. I was with a comedian, a white comedian who was smoking crack. And I didn't believe, I was like a white dude on crack. You know, that's a black drug. He was like, Miss Pat, I was so strong out on crack that I fucking stole my mama Walker.

I was like, what the fuck you do? What he said? He took it to the pawn shop. I was like, the pawn shop take fucking Walkers? And he said he got $40 for it. And his mama was in the bathroom shitting while her walker was by the dough. And she came out, and her fucking walker was gone.

And the bitch... So I was like, did you ever go to jail? He's like, no, I only stole from people that I love. Like, yeah, motherfucker, you wasn't black at all. Yeah. My God, the shit you rob and shit when you're coked up. A fucking walker. Oh, my God.

I robbed all the sheet metal from a soccer stadium piece by piece. Anybody watch the movie with Nicholas Cage when he sells weapons? Got law to war. When they land in Africa and they arrest them and the lights turn out and they show the natives fucking take a plane apart in 45 minutes, that's the same fucking thing we did to the stadium. Every day me and my buddies walked up there, took two pieces of sheet metal, three pieces, get 400 bucks. And finally one day they said,

What the fuck happened to the roof? You took the fucking roof. We took the fucking roof off the soccer stadium, piece by piece, and I spent every dime of it on board. Crackhead are some talented motherfuckers. I'm telling you, that's how I learn how to drive from a crackhead. They are some talented people. There was educated people who got upset and smoked crack,

and they didn't know they was going to get fucking addicted. I'm telling you. Most of the crackheads in the black community, I remember one, he was a fucking injured. near and he smoked fucking crack. Like my sister was a bad-ass prostitute until she got on crack.

And she fucked her neck up, so her prices went down. That's so disappointing. Ain't nobody going to pay a lot of money for a bitch. You go cock-a-doodle-do. Lee wouldn't let a crack hose suckers dick, huh Lee? No.

Off of Van Nuys Boulevard. He would me, oh, I just saw two of them. We go out there, get your dick suck. Why wouldn't you let them suck your dick? It's really cheap. Are you scared of them? I don't want herpes. She ain't got herpes in the mouth. We say suck your dick, not

fuck a fuck a prostitutes. You don't fuck prostitutes. You put a condom on, a couple condiments. You put some op. Can you get a herpes from young people? Y'all look like y'all in college. No, you can't get no fucking herpes from them. They're like if somebody with HIV suck your dick. You can't get like that, can you? I think you can.

Yes, you can. I don't believe y'all. My brother got that shit. I'm gonna call him in the morning. I'm not gonna test it. I'm gonna call him and ask him. Why would you want to risk it? Don't do it.

You don't do it. Somebody gotta suck your dick Lee. I can't do it. That's all right. I don't know what the fuck. You never got a hooker in all your days, not even by mistake. never really ordered a hook of room service.

Like that to me is something fucking crazy. Like just calling somebody to come over to fuck you without you meeting them in some place in a rendezvous. What if the chick is fucked up? And she would wanna hold, what are you gonna do? You can't send her back. She's gonna charge you for being there. You might as well give her stabbing.

You know, I always thought of that. Like how fucked up to it? My friends took me to a place when I was 16, the 1040 club. That's a complete, it was 99, it was 999 place. tax 1040 and they would fuck you and it was just disgusting it was the worst experience of my life I never messed with a hooker again not because I was a gay guy or what's that word I'm looking for faggot no not faggare approved I feel when I tell that to people that people like what are you approved you never fuck the hooker because I guess everybody fucks hookers but people like oh you

don't I don't know I just feel like no I just I just feel fucking dirty if I had a you know I want to What was the word? Prude. What the fuck is a prurit? Like somebody who looks... Prurit? I never heard that. Pruit?

I never heard that before. What's the definition of prude, guys? Somebody what? It's boring. It's boring. Doesn't want to have sex. Oh, that's my husband. Listen, dog.

Listen, I could sit up here on a Wednesday night or a Friday night and I could really fucking talk about eating. pussy and licking assholes and poking in the eyeballs. And if you come up to me after the show and goes, Joey, I want to show you my pussy and you show it to me, I would fucking die. Do you understand me? My face would go pale. I would have to hold on to a table.

You would ask me over and over what, don't you like my pussy? And I get anxiety attack. And then I come to my senses and go, yeah, you got a nice pussy. But I'm, you know, like I feel like sometimes. I'm a fucking, you know, knucklehead like that, like a square. Like, I talk about all that shit, like going in and stab a chick. I couldn't stab a chick.

You know, I couldn't tie a chick up and fuck with them and nothing like that. You know what I'm saying? I could never do it. I want to eat some ass and eat some pussy. But I want to be the Captain Kirk of the Navigator. You want to be the Captain Kirk. You're the one that wants to tell her, bend over. I want to eat your ass and shit. If a shit comes up to me and says, mm-mm, I

like you to eat my ass. I refuse to do it. I don't give a fuck. Don't talk to me that way, bitch. You know what I'm saying? Don't you ever talk to me that way. You must have me confused with some freaking shit. When did the bitches started eating ass? What?

When the bitches started eating ass? Fuck, my life is boring. Since the Indians been in this fucking country, Jack. It's just not discussed. No, everybody talks about dog. I took this girl home one night and I ate a pussy. I sucked a clit. And, you know, who shed a hairy asshole.

You know, people say, but nobody's going to go home and go, dog, I ate this girl's asshole. I just put her on her belly button, opened it up, peaked in that motherfucker, and licked that motherfucker and massage her clitoris, whatever is on the top. Clitoris. Gently.

While I just machine gun on her muffler with my tongue. And just machine gun that muffler. And you can see like that, and you got to hold them down. It's like a jihitsu move. Because you got to. You gotta put your weight into the back. So even if they try to, like, swim, you got them.

They ain't going. And with this hand, you're fucking, you're going nuts. You're going banana. And if you're real, just the energy from the pussy to your finger, you get like a wild man. You start, oh, yeah, yeah. And then she's trying to get away. She's like, stop, stop, I can't think.

And you know, by that point, you know, And you start fucking going nuts, bro. You just start fucking going. And then finally you, she's like, stop, stop, man. And then you catch yourself. Oh, oh. And you get all embarrassed, and you got fucking ass juice on your face.

And if you're a real man, ladies, if you're a real man, when a man has ass juice on his face, he sits back, huh, huffing for, huffing for fucking air and the whole time

he ain't worried about that ass juice on his face he's loving it like a soldier he knows he knows if he's a real man he reached a complete different level of manhood this is something you talk about on the corner when you're 14 eating somebody's ass oh yeah I would eat her ass but now

you fucking eat an ass motherfucker this is the twilight zone you're sitting there and you're breathing heavy and she finally pops a and pulls her hair back and makes high contact with you. And you know it. You, you...

All right, I gotta go take a pee. And you just get up and... But while you're in that bathroom peeing, you're like, I hate that woman's ass. Seriously. She was fucked up. She was in a different planet. She was ready to down 911 and then tell the cops,

I made a mistake. I don't know what happened. You can't go to jail for eating somebody's ass. There's not a cop that'll put handcuffs on you for them like. I'm like, he assaulted me. He just ate my ass over and over. What are you talking about? There's not even a charge for that ship.

Lulex. No, whatever. I wasn't deaf, but it sound good. I got excited about eating ass. I take me back to my cocaine days. I used to be a freak like that. I knew I couldn't fuck you because I had dead dick. So I just focused on eating your ass.

I'm saying? Because when you eat a woman's... ass, she'll stay. She'll stay. If you got, I can't. You had dead dick? Oh, like a motherfucker. Dead Dick 3D.

When the dick goes into the nut sack. And my little my little uncircumcised skin would just hang there like a monster, like a little kitten's paw. It would just hang there.

He had a time of deep. My dick would go all the way into my nutsack. And you're sitting there doing big rocks of coke. She's horny. You're making a play with a pussy. Put a Coke rock in your little noodle.

Beat that motherfucker up. And she's playing with a pussy, and you're like, yeah, in the chair. And nothing. That little rocket ship is in there. And now you're what are you going to do? She's like, bend over. Why? What are you going to do to me?

Bend over. And then you lick her ass. Then you put a Coke rock in there. You melt that motherfucker. And then she'll turn around. Did you put a Coke rock in my ass? Oh, my God. Nobody's ever done that before.

All right. How to redeem myself. I had to take it back deep into my heart, brother. I've been thinking about eating ass all day. I know one thing. You're turning me on. Keep talking. I don't fuck around. And Pat, I don't fuck around.

Can I get a war? I got cotton mouth like a motherfucker. You need to eat some ass. Can I get a water from somebody out there when you get a minute, my brother? A coffee for me, please. A coffee too, look at you. This ain't Starbucks.

This is the fucking ice house. This is that foogers and shit. You drink 10 cuffs, you don't even stick up. You don't school the shit out of these young boys. Look at them. They're gonna go look for a Coke rock to stick in something white chick ass tonight. They're like,

this don't taste like you said did. He didn't say lick the ass with the creamy shit back there, okay? Make sure it's clean. Did you make sure it was clean? What's that? Did you make sure the ass sack was clean? I always take a shower with him. Come on in.

Oh, okay. You know, let me eat your pussy in here. You wash it with the soap. Get the lufa. You scrub the asshole good. What are you doing to me? Nothing. You just scrimmed. You know what I'm saying?

You want to have a little wiser. You want to have a little wiser. You don't want to smell like Iris Spring. You want it to have a little funk. You want to smell a little asshole in there. A little asshole in there. A little asshole in there. Walk around the block.

Yeah. Walk around the block. You eat ass too, huh? Wow. It's disgusting, motherfucker. I need to fucking pick up my sex game. I don't eat ass yet. Do you eat ass?

No. Oh. That's gross. This poor fucking kid. I tried, guys. I've tried everything. I had chicks that want to come over and fart in his mouth. No, you didn't know.

Yes, I did. I had one chick that was ready to take a flight. I was in a flyer in. No, we were going to go to Denver. Yeah. She's the one that had the barbed wire on her ass. That one, a tattoo with a barbed wire on her ass. And he kept calling me, she might have herpes.

Why herpes leave? What do you have against herpes? I don't want it. That's the first time you mentioned herpes. It's just break you out. And then he said to me, if she's got a tattoo of a barbed wire around her ass, she's definitely got herpes. In her asshole. In her asshole.

In her ass, she's got a tattoo of a barbed wire in her asshole. Beautiful. I had never seen anything. Not for me, for Lee. It would have been perfect. How are you going to turn that down, Lee? Pretty easily, that sounds gross. What do you want, some pussy with a Christian symbol?

Sure. That'd be nice. A book of the Bible on the asshole. Come on now, Lee. You know it's a good Wednesday night when we start talking about assholes and eating an ass. That's always a good Wednesday night.

I mean, what the fuck? There was dick on TV tonight, people. Nothing. Not a fucking thing. Maybe Louis. I know Sons of Anarchy is at 12.30. That gives you enough time to go to Denny's. Roll a joint.

Feed the cat. Walk the dog. And you could be into watch Sons of Anarchy. I think it's the third episode. I don't know what happens. but I'm just in case. You're like, Joey, what's next? This is what's next.

I'm telling you. Let's go to Denny's, he's got a nice milkshake, split it with your buddy if you're worried about the diet, and you go home. Want to spend a milkshake? What would you do for a milkshake, Lee? How many calories you burn today? Only 500.

So you could burn... I don't think you line. You said 800 earlier. No, no. That was the most I had ever done. Oh, okay, okay. So what can you eat tonight? You want to split a lip-shake?

What are you going to dream about? I think I have like a thousand ones. You look like you want to split a milkshake. I would love to split. I don't want split. Why can't eat your own milkshakes? He's like, fuck it, I don't eat a cookie. Why not take a whole milkshake?

Oh my God. You don't know where I am right now? Do you feel like eating ass? That's the one thing I don't want to eat. Give him another cookie. He might want to eat ass later. Look at the fucking shape of you, Cuck sucker.

That's when you know the podcast is over when you... He's like an... You know those things you put over when you boil an egg? That's the show. Like, I just gauge it on him. Once his eyeballs are red like that, and he can't... And he can't focus.

He's pale and shit. That means he's in deep waters. None of you... None of you could handle that right there. That's not a comedian. That's a co-host with lights in his face. With people looking at him right now. That's fucking tough.

That's anxiety right there, motherfuckers. But he handles it, man. That's why I love him. Fucking. He eats an edible now. I told him you got to eat a fucking edible. You got a flow. Everybody here did something today.

A shot of scotch. I bumped into a motherfucker. Where's my brother Berge at? Listen. I bumped into it. This is a true story. Just to let you motherfuckers know how I live. I got fucked up last night.

I smoked a vapor pen. I went to bed. I got up like a 4.30. I took a shower, blah, blah, blah. I fucked around on Twitter and Facebook. I smoked a vapor pen. I had a protein shaking. I go, you know what I'm going to do?

The baby's not awake. I can't do dick here. I'm going to get my wife's car, filled up with gas, and wash it. I'll hand wash it. Fuck it. Get the body going. Get the fucking calories going, right?

Ooh, I open up my drawer to get my glasses because I can't see. and watch at the bottom of the drawer. Oof. A green hornet. A gummy bear. But it's five to seven. Who would do such a thing?

I know who. I swear to God, when I opened up that drawer, I was looking for glasses, but I saw the gummy bear like that. I thought I was hallucinating. I was like, no. I thought it was like an empty package, and I went.

And I'm like, oh, my goodness. And I go, should I take it with me? I go, fuck it. In the middle of the car wash? You know, like when you're washing the car, it's fun. Once you've got a vacuum and armor all that, fuck it. Maybe in there, the juices are going, you pop that motherfucker like a soldier. Okay.

Boom, no way. I put it in my pocket. I kiss the cats. I walk outside. Who do I see? My brother Bergey. He's parking to go take the train. Hey, hey, what's up?

You're coming to the show? Yeah, what's going on? We start talking a little Mexican dude on his bicycle, getting cans out of the garbage. Right? We see him. I go, Berg, what are you going to do? He's going to work. Berg, I took the fucking thing out.

And I go, we want to eat this? He goes, I can't. My co-workers, fuck that shit. Eat this motherfucker. It was 7.15 in the morning. And I bumped into a real fucking Armenian. And we just made eye contact. I opened it up.

And I could see while I was opening it. He had the same fear in his eye like Lee has in the morning. And I ripped it open. I just handed it to him the way the fucking. Catholic priest gives you that cookie. You know, when you go to church, he gives you a cookie, there ain't no turn him back. Fuck no, he took it like a man,

and when I contact, he fucking ate it, and that was it. We fucking shook hands. He went his way, and I went my way, and look, he's here tonight, ladies and gentlemen, 715 in the fucking morning. I don't want you guys to think that we're just fucking around here at the church what's happened now.

When I'm one of these fake guys that jumped on the stoner boat. When we get in the car at 8 a.m., look out, motherfuckers. I may be high, I may not be high. You'll be high. Oh, I'll be fucking up. You say about one word every ten minute, Lee. You want to tell these people where you're going to be at? Just when we put the podcast on iTunes.

August 21st. I can't fucking, I ain't got my pad. Go to my website. Miss Pat comedy. Twitter, Facebook, comedian, Ms. Pat, Instagram. I don't do fucking much on Instagram because I don't like taking pictures of my food.

I like eat my fucking food. That's the dumbest shit in the world. You look up with, every day, I got one friend, this motherfucker eat like nine times a day. I was like, do you know Instagram is killing you, bitch? Every time you see this, my

he got staking eggs. Like, you fucking Instagram is killing you, fat fuck. So, you know, follow me on that shit. I love the impact you've done on the Internet lately. I love when motherfuckers come with a true story and drop it on people. I love the reaction.

But the love you got, so thank you for opening up your heart to the Internet and making these motherfuckers come out of the Wednesday nights. Thank you all for listening. And for my little brother, the fucking mute. It's your fault. This motherfucker, Johnny's sign language. Look at them.

By the end of the year, he'll just be doing sign language. Lee got an awesome job. He's the only job he got his boss giving him a good shit. That's my dog right there. You don't even need a Christmas bonus. Why? Because he keep you fucked up all year round. But I didn't want this.

What the fuck? You're like, you want a bonus. This is way too high. I love you, motherfucker. Stay black. Thank you very much, man. Thank you, thank you. I got to close the window before I record,

because New York don't know how to be quiet. Oh, shit, I'm sorry. Fuck, fuck, fuck, that's true. Yeah, start.