The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - The Church Rises

Episode Date: November 19, 2024

After four years, The Church of What's Happening Now is back! Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt are live from their new studio near New York City to talk about what it's like being back in studio, what the Mike Tyson fight was really about, Joey's conspiracy theories and much more! Support the show and try BlueChew for free. Use promo code DIAZ at https://www.bluechew.com Support the show and download the DraftKings app with code JOEY. New customers play $5 and get $50 in Pick 6 credits. Support the show and get 10% off your Freeze Pipe order with code DIAZ at https://www.thefreezepipe.com

What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? Uncle Joey here with fucking Lee Leelan. We're back. The Church, the Latt, the New Testament, I don't even know what it is no more. It don't matter. I'm just happy that we're back. Let's get this party started now. It's Tuesday, the 19th of November.

The Church New Testament is brought to you by the freeze pipe. It's getting chilly out there. It's time to cool down your bung, too. Free pipe makes it. easy with a glistering chamber that you pop in the freezer and when you're ready to see the devil, you take it out, you pop it, and you're ready to smoke. Let me tell you something. Freeze pipe will cool down the smoke by over 300 degrees. That means no more throat burning, no more coffin, and an overall way better experience. Me, I love my little freeze pipe. I live with that little

dabber, the bubbler. Unbelievable. It still kicks. I clean it every other day. And when I'm ready to smoke, it's in the freezer in the corner. It gets nice and frozen. And when I'm ready, bab boom! So whether you're into pipes, bongs, bugglers, or dabs, check it out with the freezepipe. Now, shop today at thefriespipe.com and pressing code Diaz, DIAZ for 10% off your order. That's the freezepipe.com code Diaz for 10% off your order. to the holidays are coming and grandma needs a new bomb.

Order today and get free shipping and say goodbye to harsh smoke forever. The church is also brought to you by Blue Chew. Listen, you never know how full you'll feel after a turkey dinner. Bring along some Blue Chew this Thanksgiving just in case you bump into whoever made the turkey. Blue Chew is an online service that delivers the same active ingredients as Viagra, see Alice Levitra but at a fraction of the cost in a chewable tablet

and it tastes tremendous you bump into somebody you want to get the party started boom you pop it out of your wallet and within 30 minutes there you are bouncing up and down like a savage signing up is easy too just head to bluchu.com

meet with one of the licensed medical providers and if you're approved you'll get your prescription within days me I love blue chew I'll pop one of those things and I'm ready to do backflips, you know what I'm saying? So, Bluetooth wants men rock hard. Not like these other non-testosterone eating little skinny guys

with brown shoes and black jeans on. That's hell with that. Blue Choo wants you to be a savage at all times. So discover your options at bluechoo.com. And we got a special deal for the Church New Testament. You ready? Try Bluetooth free when you press and code Diaz. at checkout. That's right. I said free. It's a Tuesday. Just pay $5 hours of shipping when you use

promo code Diaz, D-I-A-Z at checkout. That's Blu-Tu.com. Promocode Diaz to receive your first month for free. Visit Blu-D-com for more details and important safety information. Turn out your TVs. Run for your lives. It's over. They didn't put you on this planet just to give If Uncle Joey can do it, I can rule the world. That's what you gotta be thinking. Welcome back to church! What's happening, beautiful people? It's Tuesday, November the 19th.

What up, Doug? Dude, it's crazy. It's crazy. We're here. I couldn't, like, I was thinking about it when you walked in. When we were closing up the old office, I had no ever idea of us coming back. Never.

Never. I thought the chapter was done. But you know what, man? I'm happy to be back. Listen, this is the first week. The studio's still a little bad. We got it up. We told you last week was the last Zoom,

and we stuck to our fucking word, and that's all that matters. We're ready to rock here. We're already fucking tuned up and ready to go. Let's talk about a few fucking things. What? I don't even know how to get this thing started now. Is it crazy?

It's crazy doing in person again. It's crazy. It's great to see this little guy. For the last couple weeks, we've been trying to put this together, and I've been taking them to all my own haunts from fucking Hirams to get a hot dog I came six pounds in two weeks

We ain't fucking around here You understand me you gotta work out every day In this fucking neighbor You gotta go for a walk You gotta do something Explain what high rooms They deep fry their hot dogs And not only do they deep fry their hot dogs

They're ready in about six seconds Because every time we get a hot You know you order two But then you want another one It was and the chili is amazing And then they have steak fries and onion rings And oh And then...

And it's a little shack. Yeah. Like, I went there when I was in the eighth grade the first time. And then about 200 times after that, that's how you become a fat fuck. And then tell them, this is my favorite thing that I just found. I learned milkshakes last week and this week I learned... You have like a rotation of restaurants you call to find out what the specials are every day. Every day.

First of all, I like soup, man. I'm a fucking soup, dude. And there's two restaurants that make the kind of soup I like. Rudy's up here and the brass rail in Manila Pan. They got the best soup ever. So I call around. You know, if I'm going to come up here before I make the trip, I don't want to walk into Rudy's and put to be a fucking surprise.

I'm like, God damn it. So if they tell me they got Rhode Island, I get fucking excited. You know what I'm saying? Now I'm cutting people off a little bit. Now I'm trying to beat the fucking the waves. Oh, the waves. Yeah, the waves will give you a time. I'm always beating that fucking wave.

except tonight they hit me with that go through here and we'll cut the time off by five minutes. Yeah. But then they put me behind some old lady. I guess the fucking you know, I guess the fucking the computer didn't see it or whatever. She was doing 30 and a fucking 90. I love

being on the phone with you because everyone's not what you'll just start screaming at traffic. I think, was it yesterday that you were pissed? Listen, the ride up here is magnificent. You just cannot do it with traffic. it's an hour up here you know my brother george comes down he always tells me

it's a long ride especially that night especially if you're smoking reefer the fucking lights start you know blinking you step on to i mean that new jersey turnpike if you go on at 10 times you're gonna get a flat one time i did it already yeah yeah it's it's you're gonna got a fucking flat one time but it's been great living in jersey it's been four years now lees been out of lae for four years now everybody went back the 20 people we left with, I think we and the guys in Austin, all the only ones that held out.

Everybody already went back, but they go back every three weeks because Hollywood's calling. Hollywood ain't calling nobody, Jack. Things are bad all fucking over. You understand me? I haven't worked all year. First year in Fusses, 1997, that it's November 18th, 19th, and I had not fucking worked.

What does that mean to you? that means I'm getting older and uglier. Or, listen, this year had a lot of people didn't have fucking work. Because I, you know, I talk to different people. Right. And they'll tell me, we haven't even an audition. I did have auditions,

but I have eaten dick on all of them. Like, I have bombed on all. I had an audition for one fucking line. One word. You know what the word was? Go fuck yourself to Steve Martin, that little fucking duty hangs out with. Martin Short.

I fucking said to fuck you. He was a New Yorker. Roughy. Rough. Fuck you. I thought, like, I was already cash in the bank. Like, I was already fuck and I got this.

They didn't even call me back for a callback. I did a bunch of one line. One word auditions this year. When you do one word and you don't book the audition, that's fucking pain in your heart check. Do you think, like, they could think you're overqualified for something like that? No.

The problem is that the strike killed production. as you guys are seeing, they ain't shit on TV. You sit there every night looking around telling me I'm watching a new show on that list and the show sucks. It does. The show fucking sucks. You sit there the only thing we live on is

the one about the prison with the fucking dude that got run over by the snowplow. I didn't. Oh. Locker, whatever that's a great fucking show. I haven't seen it yet. If you have not watched that show, that is a great

show. Oh, it's about a dude who goes to prison and comes out and gets a job as whatever for the prison. You know, like between the guards and the liaison or something. On the street. So he runs the prison

because he talks to the black dude. He talks to the Spanish dude. He speaks to the people where black people and Mexicans, you know, the fucking triple Zs, you know, those dudes. He talks to all of them. I forget the name of the fucking show. I watched Tulsa King this year. I haven't seen that yet.

Was the second year? Which had some really good episodes. Dominic Lombardoszi was great. I feel bad they shot him off. Sylvester Stallone is looking rough and rough. Last week they were shooting him from behind. You can see like, hey, listen, Sylvester, we're not going to put hair on there.

We can't find a fucking bear. All right? We're just going to spray paint it a little bit. They don't show a lot of the back of his head. But he's fucking hanging in there, you know. What else? I already watched. to show you recommended on Netflix,

that was brilliant. With the kid from office space and... A lot of milk was fucking brilliant. I haven't seen it. But besides that, I sit there every night. Punietta with my wife, waiting for the fucking world to end. That's why I fucking go out. That's why I eat mushrooms at night

because you just fucking sit there. So I try to get out of the house about 8, 8.30. I take my ride. I fucking see what's going on at Carvel. what's going on at my favorite pizza joint. You know what I'm saying? I take a piss. And then I go home waiting that, you know, maybe something good's going to be on there. He's shit on.

I caught Bullitt the other night. I caught the Hot Rock. It was back to back. The Hot Rock was 1972. I was nine when that movie came out. And I saw it in the fucking movie theater in the Bronx. Robert Redford is in that fucking movie. A dude robs a fucking place and he steals a big diamond.

He's in prison, so he shits it in the pipe. so they have to break into the jail to steal the pipe with the shit in it before it goes into the fucking New York Hudson River. Tremendous. Oh, Jesus. We're back, cock suckers. What? I love it.

We got a little cave. Between you guys, it's beautiful. It's got no heat, though. Someone in the winter. We're going to do this like my little fucking igloo for that girl in sophomore year when she didn't show up my little fuck egg glue. I forgot about your fuck igloo. do you ever think about that if you're just like making out with somebody like

this used to be so much cooler and like harder to do what making out just even making out making out yeah swap and spit yeah you don't swap and spit anymore no I don't ever want I haven't swaps nobody in 30 years because I don't want to hit him with a shot of bad breath

it's saying it's either gonna eat my monkey or that's it at least after you eat that monkey you're like oh you can breathe whatever's on your breath you know what I'm saying Pickles, though, I'm in. Dude, people are doing great. Like, when I, one of the last girls I hooked up with, I went down on her and she licked my face. All right, we're going to have to erase that.

Because only you would meet a woman that would lick your fucking face. You know what I'm saying? But Lee's in Harlem now, and he's doing quite well. He's got the four floors, which is, he never wants to go home. I'm sure, right? No, I call this motherfucker 18 times yesterday. He's a man, I ain't ready to go. home yet. Yeah, it's here to like 10 o'clock.

He just goes over there and he knows. When I go in, I ain't come back out. He don't want to make no mistake. There's four floors. There's four floors. I told him. Everybody says, oh, yeah, four floors sucks dick, okay? I don't care how much you spend the rent. I don't care what your apartment looks like.

Because when you get there, after you check the mail, you always got to look up those stairs and go, God damn it. And God forbid, you got groceries. What about as a suitcase? I've been traveling someone. That's the worst The fucking suitcase.

That's the only part that kills me. Everything else has been cool. But New York's been pretty good. Not last. Like, you did great. I haven't bought. I had the worst show I had in two years.

I felt like the only way I could describe it was remember when Cowboy Soroni fought McGregor and he got knocked out by a shoulder? It just wasn't his night. Yeah. That was how I felt. I just was getting knocked out by his shoulder. Because like it was,

I couldn't blame anything. It was just the worst. Lee, sometimes you just blow people's minds. You have that effect. You walk in. They're like, what the fuck? I guess. New York's been listening. Anybody who's been following this fucking show

was just starting. We've been talking about stand-up for ten years. And this motherfucker moved to New York to do stand-up comedy. I mean, it's still like a dream to me that this fucking guy that used to sit in the room with all of us, from Theo to Ralphie to, you know,

that he picked up little things. He used to go to this four-wall place. He'd give him $5 every night to sit there. I would go there too and him fucking flick as he is. Oh, yeah, you would do that. There was some retarded fucking people there. And then we moved back and he continued to do it. And he goes on the road with Josh Wolf.

And this is what a comic does. And after pick a place, he picked New York, which was great to me, because I'm down an hour from here. Right. There's no way I'm coming up. up here every fucking day. But even tonight, you know, now I got the option. If I want to go into the city real quick and go over to the stand,

I go over and come back. As long as you get on that, you got to beat the Lincoln Tunnel. Closes at 12 or something like that. You got to beat the Holland Tunnel. Something crazy. And the ferry closes. The ferry shuts down. So if not, I got to take an Uber, whatever.

But I don't know. We'll see how we feel after the fucking show. We got a couple things in this. Let's see how they, they kick in and shit. You know what I'm saying? Thank you for getting a comfortable chair. appreciate it. This is tremendous. Oh, I'm going to end up on this chair. And I even got like a little thing here. It's like a

psychiatrist chair. Like if you get too high, we'll just sit you down here and we'll talk to you. What's going on with your life? Nothing. You know, I played the piano in the third grade. Whatever the book you want to tell me. Right there. We got the little psychiatrist chair. We got the couch. We have me and Lee, it's these two. If we get a fucking guest, I'll sit here. The guests will sit there. We got another beautiful fucking couch over there. And like I said, guys, we just set this up just to get the party

started for tonight. I don't know who hated Zoom more. You motherfuckers are me. Okay? I fucking hate it. I couldn't do it anymore. Why do you hate Zoom so much? Because it just got old. Because then everybody wanted to fucking Zoom. It was like everybody was Zooming. People go, what are you doing? Let's Zoom. I don't want

to fucking Zoom. Okay. With my luck, I go on there and I hit the wrong thing. I wanted to Zoom as least as possible. And then the last year, they've been Zooming auditions. Right. They've been Zoom in auditions. So if the person likes you, they'll say, set up a Zoom for 430. And he reads for me.

You know how fucking, I'm reading into my fucking phone, guys, because they don't want to bring us in. Listen, all that shit's done with. People are breathing on each other all the fucking time. Look at the Mike Tyson fight the other night. If anybody was going to get COVID, it's poor fucking Mike. He had 80,000 people breeding on them, all going down saliva. You don't see Mike with a fucking mask on today,

getting on a fucking plane. Listen, man, everybody had shit to talk about that night. I watched the fight. It was not on my agenda. I was not going to bet it on Drap Kings and all that shit. I just, you know, I was curious. I had eaten some mushrooms. And I said, what the fuck?

And I get home about 10-15. I had to go to CVS and pick up prescriptions. And that's the night I went for a little toky-tock. I'd smoke a little number. my little eke and I get home we put it on and it's the Spanish girls

or a Spanish girl against the Irish girl Then I switched it for a minute And I came back and they were still talking I didn't know you had to press live So I sat there for like a fucking hour And saying why are these people talking so much? Why are they fucking? What are they talking about? Look I'm getting old

That shit's out. Listen my wife wants some fucking everybody has a little portable vacuums now oh the robot vacuum the robot vacuum the little tiny one that goes around so she got one by the fireplace I don't know this shit she don't tell me nothing

right nobody knows nothing I walk in the house she's like I gotta go where you going I gotta go here my wife is constantly fucking food shopping you know what I'm saying like I never met a woman that every fucking day raspberries blueberries you know

it's me and my daughter so What happened with the vacuum? Okay. So, you know, I get home and I go, it was Sunday. My daughter slept out, and we picked her up about 10. And my wife said, I'm just going to take it home and make a breakfast. And all right, I'm going to go to the gym. And then I call my wife after the gym, and I go, listen, what's going on?

She's like, I'm waiting for you because I got to go food shop. We got to get this, that, this, that. You put a list out. I did. I go, what time you want to go food jobs? She goes, one o'clock. I go, you got bats in your head. I'm going to go to gym.

Watch the football game for a little while. But then I went to eat something, because after the gym I was hungry, I went to get something real quick, and there was a line. I said, fuck it, and I drove home and just made a protein shake. Now it's 10 after one. I go, fuck it. Let me watch. You know what?

Go. Go fucking shopping. I'll watch my daughter and watch the football game. My daughter's upstairs just laying there fucking. doing homework. I go downstairs. You know me, my wife is out of the house and I can kick off my sneakers.

Nobody's going to bother me. Nobody's got a question. My daughter is not going to come down unless she's hungry or whatever. So I'm sitting there. I go out to the garage. I bang on a couple fucking, I put a little mushroom gummy under my thing.

I already had a couple mushrooms in me, so I was already feeling it. And I'm on the fucking chair, just reading because I didn't want to watch TV. And I hit, boom. boom boom and I'm like

what the fuck is going on there's somebody trying to break into my fucking house I'm like nah it's daylight it's fucking one o'clock who would rob a house I never robbed the house

at one o'clock you know what I'm saying that's maybe like 10, 9.30 that's a good time to rock rob a house but one o'clock there's neighbors so I keep hearing this shit and finally I go

is somebody breaking into my daughter's fucking thing so I just went and got a mallet and a knife. I got this big fucking Rambone knife. Jesus. I got the mallet and the knife. And I walk up the slayer slowly.

And I go, and boom. And then my wife's, my daughter's like, what's going on? Why do you have a knife? I go, do you hear that? And she goes, no, no. I got the earphones on.

I'm playing Fortnite. Whatever the fuck they play. And I'm like, thank you. Another idiot. You're in the house and you got fucking earphones on. That's what I need in my life. So I keep hearing, boom, boom, boom. And it's coming from the fucking.

fireplace. And I go, that's brilliant. They're trying to break into a fireplace. But a guy comes once a month to spray around for mosquitoes or mice, whatever the fuck is out there. The town sends a guy and they fucking... So I'm like, this motherfucker came on a Sunday. I'm like, wait a said, let me go outside and get this. Because I was going to go through the kitchen. I have a thing that I could see who's down there.

And I was going to throw the mallet on him. And down 9-1-1 or the knife, whatever the fuck I was in the move for to throw. I go, there ain't nobody. out there. I'm like, these fucking mushroom strips are getting out of control because I go back downstairs. Boom, boom, boom, boom. I go

upstairs, there it is. A little fucking circle that's stuck and it keeps hitting the fucking wall back and forth. It was supposed to make like a U-turn, but it got stuck on a shoe or some shit. How fast was this thing going there? You thought there was someone breaking into your house? Boom. Boom. Boom. Because it was stuck. We kept going, boom.

Boom. So after a while, you're going, what the fuck is going on? Oh, my God. Have you ever had someone breaking in your house? house while you're there? Oh. I did. I was a kid. It was crazy. Maybe it was me. I didn't know you worked in Massachusetts.

No, I never worked in Massachusetts. He was drunk and he tried. He ripped the screens off of the porch and he took a piss and then he gave up. That was like the legit. They said like he tried the garage and we had my dad was crazy.

He had, like, those floodlights on, so as soon as you stepped, like, you could see the whole yard. The yard, yeah. And, like, he, he, I, that's what I woke up to is him ripping the screens off of the screen. And, like, his excuse was he thought it was his house. So I don't know why he was ripping the screen off of the floor. Did they arrest?

Yeah. Good. They give them time or they gave him, like, probation. I didn't follow it. I was, like, sick. So, you should get on the corner. He scared me. I was playing with Mickey Mouse.

I was fucking passed out. that's fucked up with something like that happens it's happening a lot in the areas where people are getting uh home invasions yeah speaking of home invasions yesterday he was 36 years since i had home invaded that poor bastard he's probably getting flashbacks yesterday i feel bad for that dude i still call him i still call kent i'm thinking to call him tonight saying hey bro how are you doing but he's in new mexico he moved to taos or something like that so he's not in Tucson no more. Do you think about it

as it leads up to it? Every year. I said it on stage somewhere. November's like my bad luck month. My mother died. I quit doing coke and I kidnapped Bella. I have like three anniversaries on fucking November. The 8th the 15th and the 18th

and then I'm done until next year. I don't think of shit till next year. That is fucked up how they merge it. It's over now. Yeah, that's it. That's it. That's fucking God damn years. Isn't that what they were originally offering you, 36 years? Or they threatened you with?

No. They hit me with a charge that's called crime of violence. And crime of violence, if you take it to trial, crime of violence means times two. So whatever the jury gives you, you automatically got times too. That's why I didn't consider going to fucking trial because I would have done.

I would have just been getting out. I would have started a podcast in there. called how to cook on the fucking iron how to take a shower and you sink they've people doing that on Instagram have you seen that? What? Like they're just in prison

They're like they show you what the food is that day They show you their little setups Some of them have some good setups They got great setups They're like the Cubans Cubans could fucking But who do you have to pay off to leave Like they have like a like rugs

A whole tea Like they have a flat like a TV TV Not like a prison one of you Not the black and whites no more for 29 a month. No. You could bring them into your cell. Now they have those medium prisons. This is what happens.

Okay. I get 22 years. All right? You get eight years. You come in. You got money. You buy a chair. You got a fucking,

you get some of your Arabian friends to send over a carpet to you. When you get out, who do you think you give the carpet to? Right. Me, because I'm a long term. So everybody gives me shit. After 10 years, what happened? I have to go click something.

Keep going. After 10 fucking. years, you have a ton of shit in your apartment, especially if you go like 40 years, you got everything. Eucolalis, bongos, everybody leaves you something. You know what I'm saying? Like, they don't want to remember that. Who wants to remember that shit in prison? Nobody.

Like, that's a bongo I had in prison. I don't want to see that motherfucker. I think I threw away everything I brought home. Sox, underwear. That's bad luck. I don't blame you. I didn't bring, and that's what people do. They leave everything except the Bible beaters.

they leave with the Bible like God and all of a sudden you see him walk the fence and they see a liquor store and they throw the Bible up in the air, it's over. That's how quick religion works in the prisons. All those mochaques that come on them, the Lord say, listen, the Lord didn't save you.

Or he needs a cocktail and you'll be right back doing what you were doing. Cucks a guy, I'll be lying to me. I can't imagine 36 years later. That's crazy. To think, like... Think of those people that do 20 fucking years. No.

Think of those people that do 20 years and they come out and everything's different. Your wife, your kids, you come out. You don't even know how to use a computer. You don't even know what an ATM machine is. I always think of this one kid that got arrested the night I won the comedy tournament in Boulder. He was dear friends with the people I was hanging out with. He robbed a suitcase from a Kentucky fried chicken thinking there was a bunch of money in there. and there was about 500 bucks in there

and they came and took them. That was December 18th of 1991. That motherfucker just got out four years ago. He would get out for six months and get another eight years. Think about that.

From 91 to like 2000, they let them out doing COVID. So think about it. 91 to 2020. That kid spent his whole life in for, you know, that's 29 years in the system. Right. 30 years in the system with answering to somebody,

they come to your house and you're still, you know, you just, last thing I heard, he's working, you know, he's got, even though he did 29 years, that motherfucker got like six kids. What? It's got like six kids. I don't know how the fuck he did it. Don't ask me.

I couldn't tell you, you know, because I still talk to his nephew. Me and his nephew, he calls me Uncle Joey. We used to fly. I knocked this tooth out. He was a kid. We're playing football in the yard. He tried to fucking, he was like 10,

and we would play football. He's a tough motherfucker. But he would always, I would always hit the ball from his hand. Right. Fumble. And he'd yell, you cheated. You cheated.

You cheated. So even today, when I talked to him, I go, you cheated. Fuck you, motherfucker. I never cheated. And how did he knock his do that? You just wagged it by accident? His tooth was loose.

Oh, okay. And he came into, like, my fucking stomach or something, and everything fucking fell out. One tooth. His dad was laughing. His dad was there. We were fucking dying. But six fucking kids?

Six kids, and he was in jail for 29 fucking years. Because every time he got out, he spurned up some chick. And then he went right back in there. I'm like, fuck child support. And they would come, you know, bring the kid on Visitation Day. Fucking, every month, two different bitches would come. bring them nutter butters, maybe a carpet. You know what I'm saying?

That's what they do. And there's women that like that shit. There's women that don't mind you going to prison. They don't got to deal with you. They'll fuck some old guy for money and then send you $20 and they're happy. They show up with their head done, their nails done.

The husband's like, what's going out of there? You're looking good, bitch. Yeah, I got a job. You got a whole fucking job. You're sucking somebody's pipe. And he had, dog, I went to jail with a dude that was filthy rich and he had seven women.

He had seven kids with seven different women. How old was I when I got locked up? 25, 26. He was 26. He was a fucking stone cold grip. And they brought Coke in to Colorado from L.A. and shit. And he got nailed. That dude had seven motherfucking women

because he bought him all cars. And they all had kids. Before they got a car, you got to give me a kid. You know what I'm saying? That's the way this works. There ain't no ring in my relationship. I'll fuck you. I'll get your car.

And then that said, they ain't no ring. But he would buy him tremendous cars. He would buy him like Subaru, like the fucking sports car, that Subaru made in 88, this Essex or some shit like that. The other one had like a Mercedes convertible.

This guy was banking. Did you ever have any, were you in there long enough to have like anyone hitting you up on the prison pen pal and stuff? No. What do you know? They have a whole thing.

Well, yeah, yeah, I know with a bunch of chubby women that fucking haven't seen a dick in 22,000 years. Is it only women? There's no guys who just want to hang out? Yeah, yeah, that's what I want. Letters from you telling me how exciting your podcast is. I'm saying, that's what I want.

Are you fucking kidding me? Hold on one second. Let's take a minute here. Draft Kings wants to talk to you about Pick Six. We'll be right back. What up, beautiful people? Draft Kings is back at it. You ready?

I know you love. watching the NBA. So do I. But if you want to get even more into the action, you got to try Pick Six from Graft Kings, an official partner of the NBA. Pick Six lets you select two or more players than choose

if they'll have more or less of a certain stat during the game. It's that easy. You can bet on things like points, rebounds, three pointers, and more. Then watch the game and see if you still got it. Get ready to have a blast this NBA season with the

pick six. And for the first time, pick six players, check this out. New customers pay a fin $5 and get 50 in pick six credits. Again, new players, $5 and get $50 and pick six credits. Download the draft king's pick six app now and use promo code Joey. That's code Joey for new customers. Play five and get 50 and plus six draft picks. Only on Draft Kings pick six where the crown is yours. Now go have a good time. Gambling problem, call 1-800-Gambler. Help is available for problem gambling. Call 888-7-8-9-77- or visit ccpg.g. Or visit ccpg.org in Connecticut. Must be 18 and over. Age and eligibility restrictions vary by jurisdiction. Pick-6 not available everywhere, including New York and Ontario. Voidware prohibited. One per new customer. Bonus awarded as non-withdrawable pick-six credits that expire in 30

days. Limited time offer. See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash promos. We're back, bitches. Oh, my God. Don't forget. Pick six, draft kings. I forgot what I was talking about there for a second. I just got hit with one of these jokey fucking little pens. What are they called? Joke and toke. Joke and talk. A gram of weed in the fucking thing. You're lighted. If you're sick of smoking, you put the cork back on. It's like having an amyroid. You know what I'm saying? You can stop shit whenever you. you want you stop yawning you do you do you want to have a mushroom he's yawning like zambal over here

what do you think my choice you think I want to walk around at a normal just yawning looking fucked up can you believe this what do you mean can I live with this who can stop yawning who can stop yawning you just go I'm not gonna yawn no more

that's not how that works and that's it wake up I'm not tired it's not tired of yeah I'm gonna say that to yourself yeah who says yon onto themselves. Just say that. That's how you wake up. The Chinese say it all the time. No, they don't. Found me one Chinese person who's ever said, yeah, ever in their life.

That's how you got up in the morning. Yeah! And that fucking, that gets you excited about the day, cucket sucker. Speaking about excitement, man, we were going to talk about it before, but somewhere we got a little disconnected, disembobulated here. It's the first podcast together in a room since we put it up my fucking living room with the cat. But for a guy my age, the Tyson thing was really interesting.

I mean, people were talking shit after the fight online, Jake Paul. It wasn't really about Jake Paul. It was really about Mike Tyson and what this guy's fucking been through his whole life. And now he got robbed and fucking, you know, everybody robbed this poor bastard. Hold on.

The couch is not a virgin, more. Thank God. You know what I'm saying? It ain't a party till somebody farts on the couch. It's an empty fart, though. There's nothing in there. That was a protein shake. How do you know? Because that's all I had. I had a bean and rice and cheese burrito after boxing. Yeah, that sounds like you're as well. With salsa. That's it. No meat, no nothing. But anyway, you interrupt. I'm so sorry, Mike Tyson. Mike Tyson. So think about that man's been through. You know, I don't know if people were you know or remember a couple of years ago.

He lost a child on a treadmill. Oh, I know. A child on a treadmill, you know. And then we were lucky enough to meet him, do his podcast, go down there a few times, and he's a sweetheart of a fucking man. But there were times during the fight that I felt really bad. Like, when he was walking in,

I don't think he knew where he was. I really don't. At the end? No, in the beginning. At the beginning? At the beginning? It's like something like something, like, Somebody said, Mike, you know, I think you could fight three rounds.

And he's like, yeah, I think so. You know, it's like talking to me. Hey, you don't have any interest in going to Europe? Yeah, I think so. Yeah, good. And all of a sudden, those motherfuckers call you two days later and go, hey, you were talking about it? I could get a fight going and I could get Netflix to come on or whatever. And then it just kept.

And then he got sick in June. That's why they called it off. Right. And what knows the reason? I know he was in the hospital. and he was very sick or something. And then now November, whatever, he fights, you know. And people are talking shit, but then it's like anything else anymore.

You know, you show somebody a dollar bill, and instead of going, oh, that's a dollar bill. They go, oh, it's dirty. It's got coke on it. You didn't get the fucking point. It's like when Bruce Lee smacked that little kid in the beginning event of the dragon. And he's telling him to throw a kick at me. And he goes, what did you feel? And he goes, let me think.

He goes, you shouldn't fucking think about it. and she just come to you naturally. And he says something in there. He goes, something about looking. It's weird what people look at anymore. We're all looking to tear down people. You go online.

I mean, my wife said to me, she goes, if you go online right now, they're tearing up this fucking, the buffer thing. It was Netflix's first time but doing a live thing like that. I mean, that's fucking sports. That's a lot of people

and a lot of fucking houses. How many fucking people saw that? It was the second biggest Netflix show, right? Has to be millions. Compared to the roast. And you can rewind it. Like, for Netflix to be doing, any of this stuff is crazy.

That's where it's going. Netflix's for a chance. They flew Charlie's the run in there. They had Shaq there. They had every fucking celebrity in the world down there. That costs money, guys. Or they post said they're going to give them a special or something. Who the fuck knows?

Who knows, you know? But I got to see this guy, you know, like I go to Jitsu, and I get pissed off the second time I roll because I can't finish a five-minute round. And that's me fucking jumping up and down and lifting weights. And I saw him at the end of the eight rounds. I thought he was going to fucking die. And I know that feeling.

You just start getting tingles in your body. You don't even want to move. Yeah? You're like, this is it. This heart's going to blow up, man. You know, my fucking whoop watch is going, ah, that means you're over the fucking threshold. of 150 your heart rate

I'm supposed to be at 125 but then 150 is where you should work out of it I don't know I'm no art specialist but just all those things that guy took a hell of a fucking chance and he got punched he got punched a couple times I mean somebody said well 16 minutes

I could do that stand on my head you know what man not when you got Jake Paul in front of you right your heart is beating in front of how many where was it no forget about In front of fucking 80,000 people. Right, that's a meeting, yeah. I'm talking about in front of a 27-year-old,

brooded up fucking kid dad. It's strong. If he hits you with a fucking left hook, you're going to see pigeons. I don't know who you are. You know, he's a strong fucking kid. He hit Tyson a few times. And if you watched the replay when he would hit him,

Tyson would get hit and then block. Guys, when you're fucking after 45, you're taking a big chance because your reaction time is slow. I mean, I don't know. Anybody see Aaron Rogers play football lately? He's not the same guy that we saw in Green Bay, moving, dodging. You know, you could actually start to see the aging.

Nothing bad about them. This is all balls. Most guys would just go home. Okay, for you and your, look at fucking Brady. Brady looked fucking great. And look at this kid with the fucking kid that plays on his team now, LeBron. Oh, yeah? LeBron spends $8 million a year on his fucking body.

And it works And you see it You fucking see it That's what you need to be a high Calibre athlete Well Mike Tyson's 58 And he's in L.A

He was trained by Raphael Cordero And he's in the land Of fucking supplements and sun Nothing could have helped him go He was probably on testosterone If that helps You know A human girl

I don't know what he was on But he had to be on something To recuperate Oh my God But you think that he was, was he not going super hard or just, you know, at 58, eight rounds is a fucking long time. Two minute rounds with a two minute break. Yeah, you could do that with a puncher back. I can do that standing on my head with a punching back.

Two minutes. Take a breather. Take a hit off a joint. But you got a monster in front of you. Right. And every time he hits the body, that takes away from your breathing. Every time they hit your head. But you could see.

If you see when he would connect with him, he would, like the hand would be here. it was too late. He already got hit. I'm not laughing. This is just what happens. For you guys right now, because I've seen a bunch of old people, old guys,

until they're shadow boxing at the gym. I went to the gym today. It was like three dudes' shadow boxing. Too many of these old guys watched the Mike Tyson fight. There's going to be a bunch of old guys getting their ass kicked pretty soon. Every day, some old guy gets knocked out in the Bronx.

He's going to go out with there with his little fucking shorts on that he had when he boxed in 19, 20, to and he's going to challenge somebody. They're going to knock him the fuck out. Trust me. Take a ride this week to your local parks. Not in Colorado.

It's snowing like a motherfucker. But take a ride to your local parks. You're going to see one old guy. Fucking shadow. I saw three of them in the gym for that. I'm not fucking kidding you. Have they ever asked you to ever do one of those celebrity ones? No.

And I would never fucking do it. Why would I do it? I know who I am. First, I got a bum fucking knee. Right. I got a fake fucking knee. I got a whatever. You see me here.

When I go for the court, I fucking almost tumble over with this fucking thing. I go to fucking Pilates once a week. I stand on one leg. You know, I do it all. But I know I don't have my lung. They're done. 30 years of cocaine. 50 years of smoking dope.

Something's got a fucking. Some tube in there ain't working like I get used to. Because every time I get excited, you see I got to go pee. I pee 80 times a day, dog. I landed and I had a pee. I peed right outside. I don't even have time to walk down the stairs. It'll blow out of me at this age.

Really? Yeah, it'll blow out of me. I got paper towels. I got water in the car. I got lice or wipes. You know how many times my dick blows up on the turnpike? I can't even take it no more, dog. I pull over the pee, and I don't even give a phone.

I just make sure I'm not close to a school or girl school or something. Like, I'm close to like a factory. because they'll get you for that perversion shit for that showing you dick the kids just because you're peeing in the park that nobody's around. There ain't nobody around except the tree. If the tree's not fucking 18, what the fuck?

Do you ever ask the tree? No, but you know, if you cut the fucking tree, every line in the tree is how old the tree is if you read. Right. You didn't know that. I knew that. No, you don't. Israeli people don't know that shit.

Indians know that shit. I haven't run into that. I've almost shit my pants a couple of times. You ever pee the bed? I peed the bed. How many times? Dude, a million.

I peed the ball as well. Okay. Remember what your mattress looked like? Yeah. One circle. No, they got the inside of a fucking tree, okay? All little circles.

And as you get old, you get the cum ones. It's just a little puddle. You can see this. There's a little fucking leaf growing out of it. You know what I'm saying? Your cum leaves them stain? I don't know.

These are jokes. What do you mean? There's a jokes. These are jokes. Why are you bother? I was still thinking about that. I peed the bed until I was 12. And I didn't, after the first time, I got, I had the rubber mattress thing.

Like the cover? You know, I haven't peed in the bed in a long time. Fucking 12. Remember they used to make excuses for fucking pears? Like, oh, yeah, we didn't want to pee or asleep. He watched, he must have saw a fire before he went to bed. Really? Really, he saw fire every fucking night.

You know, they always had, you know, he drank too much water. I used to, I almost, I peed the bed. a month ago. But I didn't feed the bed. Listen to what I did. I went to get up. But I fell asleep sideways. So I just peed. I didn't even know. I had no idea. My wife said, can I talk to you about something? What?

She goes, look at the side of the bed. And the pee came out of the side. And my dog, I'm telling you, I take so many peas at night. I get up. Some nights I kick the cat. Fuck, it's brutal. So I peed, dog. This is what it is to be 61. I fucking pee and I drink. I drink a lot of shit throughout the day.

So it's got to come out. Holy shit. So you were like passed out and you just kept peeing? I guess. I don't know. There was a comedian that got so coked up in Vegas. He went on stage and he pissed himself. Until this day, he said he didn't even feel it.

The pee coming out. How much coat do you have to do not to feel the pee coming out of your fucking dick in front of 200 people and they're like, what the fuck is going on? I feel so much better now. He pissed himself. Because I've never peed myself on stage. Thank God.

Holy shit. Who was the guy? I was thinking about him who like laid down and started doing his material? Like he was on Coke or something? I don't know. I thought I just remember have this image of this guy lying down.

I don't know. There's a couple guys that lit down, but I don't fucking know now. I'm all confused. I got my own problems. I can't even do 45 minutes. Shit, you know what I'm saying? I'm too old. I did 40 last week. I did like 37, 38.

It wasn't my best show, guys. But guess what? I'm coming back. My mind is starting to come back. And that's all that fucking matters. And I've been writing a lot lately. Yeah. And it's not funny.

I know it. I could tell you right off the bat. That ain't funny. But I also know that that's time. That's time served. Right. That's what I know after doing comedy for so long.

I'm going to have 10 of those pages with nothing. And then I also write in a fucking journal. So I'm going to have 10 or 12 of those pages, but then one day it's going to come out. Yeah. One fucking day, one thing, and I'm going to grow with that. And that's what happened.

You just got to stick to that. You've got to get the muscles back. If you don't write every fucking day, and I always write something in my head, you know that, but I'm always thinking, cracking jokes to myself, but to write a joke and to space them and put them together and where you want.

That's a different fucking animal. And you can tell on paper if it's funny? I could, listen, if I'm writing at that level, I'm also getting fucking stone. Right. And I got to make myself laugh. Like, that's the whole thing, when you have to put the fucking pen down and go,

oh, my God, what were they saying when they hear that? When I get thrown out of the club, and then you start adding things by yourself. But it's usually you've been sitting there for an hour. That's why I told people. That's why I tell people when you sit there with a notebook, it's not the first half hour. You're not going to get a dick.

It's like watching a movie in your house. People are going to text you, oh, I need a peanut butter cup, you know, whatever the fuck you do to kill time. Right. And then the last five minutes, you come up with two good things that could grow on. And then on stage, one of those things. But I know for a fact that, listen, you got to hit the, that notebook every day, even with stupid shit.

I say stupid shit, you know, but you got to put it all together. And then you have to see what's going on in your life. People want to hear what the fuck is going on with your life. Like, what is really the nuts and bolts of your life? How do you feel about that? Yeah, dude, you were teasing me a little bit last night,

but I've watched the last couple of nights, I've watched two of Tom Papa's latest specials, and he does a fantastic job. Oh, yeah. He's a great writer and his delivery. He's so dead pain, man, and so. And he repeats stuff. I just watch this stuff now to try to learn a little,

but he has a special, I think it's four years ago. And it's talking about like, you're doing okay. And his whole thing is like, you know, like you're doing fine, but you're a piece of shit. And just the way he did it was, I don't know. That's one of the few, like, that's how I know a special is good when I can rewatch it because I don't rewatch many specials.

You know, I started watching the special the other day. The girl, Ippolito or something like that, that already produced with Lewis. Oh, yeah, Adrian Palucci. It was pretty good. Yeah, I've seen her. I haven't seen the special, but I've seen it live. But it's pretty fucking damn good. The first 20 minutes that I saw, and then again, something happens. Yeah. Somebody fucking bothers you with a question. When you're zoomed in,

that's why we were discussing the movie theaters till this day. I'm a theater guy, you know? I just went. And my wife is one of those motherfuckers that once she tells you, like the other day. She comes downstairs, she goes, I'm going to go for a walk. In the morning, she always leaves at seven. Once we put Mercy on the bus, the 715, my wife goes after her.

And she walks the neighborhood. She used to walk the park, put the deer out. She got, that's why I got chased by the fucking Fox. I got chase. I don't even go up there. unless I'm gonna... You think I'm kidding you. I used to walk in the softball field up there. And one day I saw a little fucking deer,

whatever, dough, whatever they fucking call him. Oh, no, no. He was all skinny. And next thing you know, I didn't say nothing to this little motherfucker. I just was sitting there looking at him. He was like 60 yards away.

I saw the mother jump the fence and come towards me. Like she thought I was gonna fucking shoot him with a bow and arrow. I had nothing. I had nothing. I had no guns. I had nothing. And she attacked you? The mother went to attack me. I had to fucking run through the fence, but she was in the fenced

area. I just happened to the fence. It was like 20 feet from where I was standing. She was running towards me. Jesus. So I don't go up there no more. I say, fuck it, but my wife walks up there, but now that it's cold, you know, she walks the neighborhood and shit. So, but we talk, how did we get to the road? I don't know.

So, you know, she'll tell me, like, I'm going to go for a walk. Oh, yeah. Then she'll go up and down the stairs three times. I'm like, what's the story? How many is going to go up and down. Bunk it down. That's what I live with. Like, I'm writing a joke at fucking 715

the morning, 7.20. I'm in. I already did three bong hits. I took a shit. I fucking drank water. I did everything. I drank a fucking... Liquid IV. You know, I've done everything. I'm ready to go. I already put $25 in draft kings and $1 bills to see me get the slots in the morning.

That's the best time they're at the slots in the fucking morning and late at night. or when a big sporting event is on. I think I won't like $82 the other day playing fucking while Mike Tyson's getting beat up because when there's a good event on, the casino's empty. So they're like, we need you to stay for a little while.

So I just go on fucking Drafkin Casino. You don't know how many fucking times I go, voila, I'm home for the day. I take my shoes off, I take three hits off the pipe, I pee, I wash my hands. Now, she's upstairs. I can hear her. My daughter upstairs.

The minute I dropped, I put Draft Kings in, the 25 bucks, I can hear her starting to make the way down. But as soon as I hit the jackpot, the three things, she's right there standing behind me, like a fucking kiss of that focus. So I always don't get the three red ones. I always got a red one, a yellow and a blue. And I'm like, I always get a blue when you're around.

When you're not here, I don't get two reds in the fucking yellow. I know how to get the most out of draft kings. She's got that type of luck. Like she always comes down at the wrong fucking time. There's times I'm getting hot and sticky with a joke and I'm giggling and I'm putting YouTube on. I'm fucking around all of a sudden. She's coming down and she's doing laundry.

I'm like, why are you doing laundry? I started to wash my ass. Now when I go in a fucking shower, I get two minutes of heat and then cold water, which has never happened. But you don't want to have the laundry on the morning. Why? You want that water to be hot.

You know what I'm saying? You're killing me with this shit. And she's like, I didn't know. You didn't fucking know. And then she'll go upstairs. Then she'll come back down. Listen, there's no apples. Do you mind the pot?

Listen, I don't give a fuck. You got a pineapple or an apple. I eat whatever you got. And then she'll come down again. Breakfast is ready. You couldn't yell from upstairs. You can't see I'm laser-focused in. When she gets up, she gets her coffee and goes right into her office,

I never hit that door. Because I don't want to hear her in the morning. That's the last motherfucker I want to hear. I don't even look at the phone anymore. Like, you ever look at the phone in the morning? I don't even do that. Because I always wake up to some stupid text message from somebody I don't even know. Hey, I found out on Instagram at 2 in the morning.

Give me a fucking break. I don't even sleep with the phone in my room. It stays on the whoop. I charge it, and I put the whoop sleep. So I know what the fuck I'm doing if I'm falling to sleep. I'm breathing heavy. But this effect, like it seems like it affects you a lot. The what?

Like, just people walking by you. No, because you're focused on something. Right. You ever try to work on something and somebody keeps coming in at the wrong time? You're right there trying to figure out that mathematical fucking question. You're like 60 times fuck.

And all of a sudden somebody comes in and goes, hey, I'm picking up at 2.15. Now you threw me the fuck off now. I'm trying to figure out 300. Now you're doing with 215. You can't come in here and tell me, God bless you. No, you have to come down here, hit me with a number.

Now I got my ear all fucked up. I got to go get it fucking. They took a fucking fat ball out of the lobe the other day. They took it out and then it was on the fucking hook. It just sat there like a little paparietta. It looks like a little fucking potato ball dog. I don't know what's in my fucking ear no more. Look at this poor bastard.

Here we go. Hey, Joey. This is what I wake up to. Hey, Joey. I was wondering if we could be willing to do a Skype and say a few words from my comedy roll. December 23rd, December 27th, you don't have to go anywhere.

You could do it. I'm like, guy, it's the 27th. You couldn't have a roast on April 8th like every other fucking moron. The 27th of December. I got things to do. I got the Juulah. You know what I'm saying?

I'm a fucking steak shack. Has anybody had the Yulelegg chocolate shake at steak shack or shake shack? No, steak and shake? My daughter bought it the other day. I took a sip because she got braces now. That fucking animal.

I made her a fucking... She had braces like, Dad, I'm hungry. I go, I'll make your milkshake. This is the first day she got the braces. I made her a chocolate. I made vanilla, and I looked in, you know, dope it up. And I saw chocolate chip, so I put it in there. Those beauty ones are now.

She's like, Dad, I got chocolate chip in my braces. I'm like, what the fuck what I know? I thought the blender took care of them. She's been on fucking milkshakes for three days. So the other day, she brought that. home it was fucking delicious I'm like you didn't bring a whole one for me it's got to be 3,001

calories oh yeah but I love what is it that you said you'll log chocolate with like a white cream on top and a bunch of sprinkles and shit I just got a little fucker and I was like god damn that chocolate's good sometimes you need a good chocolate shit yeah they had Mr. Softie in Harlem today

did you stop no I couldn't you didn't chase him I've thought about it I got I did dude every, I feel like you do that. Whenever I'm trying to be good, I feel like you have like an in with certain restaurants. Like, you'll just tell them, come up with stuff like McDonald's,

comes up with stuff that I've always wanted to try. You don't think I want to try a chicken Big Mac? Oh. You don't think I... But why? Why not? Because I'm high and it's there and it's going to taste good if it's hot. It's not, you're not going to taste good.

You're going to be a feel really shitty about yourself, and you're going to feel shit the next day. You're going to eat the shit blood or bone. That's tomorrow's problem. Why would you do this? I'm not going to eat it. I'm not eating. This fucking guy goes to a diner.

He never knows before. We got 22 dinners in the area. Not my brother. He's got to go to a diner. I don't know. I stopped over there. Why would you stop over that? We grew up at the fucking diner on Bergen Boulevard.

I grew up in it. I still remember in the 80s going in there for the toasted fucking corn muffin. But this genius. He wants to broaden his horizons. To get a cheeseburger? You know what I'm saying? I can see if you want to go out there for chicken my side. This guy got a cheese.

Oh, I shit my pants. That's what you get. You got what you want to do with your age? Shit. You're paying with a little chicken McDonald's sandwiches. Be my fucking guest. We live in America. Why do you think RFK became fucking president?

Whatever the fuck they get. The czar to fucking help us. So how good they're going to get now, the McDonald's. The what? They'll be hell of them. But the best thing they can do is close that motherfucker down. That's true. But they'll never do it because Mickey D, the father will give fucking Trump $2 million

and there goes, you keep putting sugar in the French fries. That's the problem you have. So then you have to decide what you want to fucking do. Oh, right. But I like, they... Oh, right. What? What?

I don't know where it started. I just know that you... It always feels like when I'm starting, like, trying to do something, they come up with you. And I feel like it's you. Like, oh, that's how it was with Mr. Soffey. No, I can't stop at Mr. Softy at 11 in the morning. Yeah, but I call Mr. Soffey. I feel like you do call Mr. Sox.

Outside your house and fucking ring his belt. Yeah. You got some fucking wild imagination. You would do that. I could see if you said, Joey, you know, somebody stealing my underwear and selling to old people for the small 10 dollars to sniff them. I have been missing underwear. Is that you?

No. I swear to God. You really? To old people? I don't fucking know. I'm just saying. I could see you may think coming up on the radar. Right. But what would I have to do with me? That means I have to give Mississippi 20 bucks to go to your fucking neighbor.

And I feel like you would do that. And stand outside. Yeah, if he was selling poison, you know, if he was putting poison in the ice cream. Thank you. I thought I was just trying to. You give the small 50 go over there and don't lead to Lee comes out. Hit him with the Jerry Jones mix, the Jones, the guy in Guyana. Oh, my God.

Fuck, you. This poor bastard. Who knows? That's what I live with. You understand? What I mean? This is what you create. Four years without a podcast,

and we sound like fucking, you know, freaking frack over here. We're supposed to bring joy. I'm very happy. And I can see, you're sitting there half-retarded, again, for the 80th time. And then we didn't even go heavy. What do you mean?

We didn't go heavy. How many milligrams is you? 200 milligrams of ABX and three grams of mushroom. Drive with one eye closed. Yeah, but no one does that. That's why, because you've got to keep training. No one can train no more. You forgot all about this shit.

And this is why I'm happy you're back. You're back to training, the Israeli way. This is Krav Maga Edibles. Not even the Israelis do this. This is the Krav Maga way to do it. You think the Krav Maga people just go in there and they fight people? No, they make them do

different things. They spray them with Mace. That's what makes you the Krav Maga guy. That's what makes Krav Maga so special. So one of those fucking Tuesdays, when Aaron goes, they fucking give them edibles. They drink that water. It's from Israel.

And they drink the water. Now they're all fucked up. And you got to fight people. Ah! You got to fucking make all those noises and fucking, you know. I had no idea that cloud my guy was so serious. Yeah. Well, that's what I'm trying to say to you.

It's as serious as you make it. Right. You just don't stop training. You know, it's all fucked up. But now that you're here, we got you again. Well, thank you. Not everyone has access. Dude, you try to go to displace.

anywhere in the world and find anything like that. What? What? 800 milligrams. Dude, I would be eating gumming all day to take 200 milligrams. Yeah, but we don't even show up with those. I know you don't,

but I wasn't here for a while. I showed up with hash. I got all the goodies for tonight. I know you. Chocolate bar from fucking funk factory farms, which was, that was good. The salted chocolate caramel,

did you taste it? Fucking delicious. And we have the fucking gummy, not the gummies, the... Under the tongue. Under the tongue, Brett strips. You don't even didn't hit you yet. And we've been smoking some... They better hit me. What the fuck didn't hit? Can you believe this poor bastard? Yell and screaming like Kennedy's son over there.

The fuck is wrong with you. I don't know. You wouldn't... Were they yelling? I don't know. But RFK's going to just change all this shit. And you can't just eat whatever they fucking want no more. Like bagels used to be good. You know, can't even no more. They got a bunch of shit in them.

They don't digest right in your stomach. Really? I don't give a fuck. I'm still going to eat a good Staten Island bagel. That doesn't deter me from anything. But I'm not going to eat them every day, is what my point is. No. And I don't think those are the bagels that are putting shit in.

Like the Staten Island ones I would trust. Oh, the ones that you get at the supermarket and actually take them home like you do. I don't buy them. Sarah Lee fucking bagels. I went to his house once. You never went there and saw Sarah Lee Bagels. and fucking rice patties. Rice cake you might have seen.

Fucking Papillon ate better than that. Fucking Papillon ate better than that. Who eats fucking rice patty? Papillon is Steve McQueen. He was in the movie. They threw him in a prison. He was eating cockroaches and shit.

He would love a rice cake. Are you kidding me? Listen, Papillon. I stand by rice cakes. Papillon was in solitary confinement for a year. He would never break down for a rice cake. He'd spit it back at the people.

He was in the highest protein. He was eating roaches and lizzie. And do you think he would say no to a caramel rice cake? Fuck, yeah, that's for pussies. I got time for carbs. A little time for carbs in prison. We got no light. You're doing push-ups.

I think you would fucking love it. Anyway, what do you got this week, cock sucker? This week, I'm at Parks Casino on Thursday. Oh, shit. And Friday and Saturday, I'm with Josh Wolf in Des Moines. Oh, shit, Des Moines, Iowa. City of excitement. All right, what else?

They have a pizza place with, they put Chinese food on the pizza. I said I was going to make it a surprise for you. What do you think about that? They have like an orange chicken one and a crab rangoon one. Go down there and knock yourself up. Don't come crying to me with a crab rangoon that stuck in your asshole. Cream cheese and mozzarella pizza. Who does that?

That thing's going to get wedged in your ass. That little fucking wanton is going to be sticking like that. You're going to have three black dudes in Iowa trying to pull out of your asshole. How do you think it's going to get in my asshole? Because it's not going to come out of your intestines. Why am I eating this wanton hole? Because how are you going to eat the wonton? I'm going to chew?

It's called like Mr. Fongs. Okay. You go hang out with Mr. Fong. I'll be right here eating fucking nice Chinese food. Fucking, you're going to get Chinese food in Iowa. You don't, listen, those are the left-old motherfuckers. The only Chinese people are left to Iowa. The ones are the left-off from building the tracks.

Well, those might make good food. And you remember, they threw all. Remember, they used to throw them over. the ledge with the stick of dynamite. Gino, come here. Throw them over the ledge with the stick of dynamite. Boom. That's the reason why there's

Chinese people in Colorado and fucking Iowa, because they did the trains, and they're part of a Nung Bu network that brings heroin into the country. That's why all those little cities have fucking heroin. You didn't know that shit. See? Uncle Joey here to fucking break it.

You think they're goofing on them going, ha, ha, ha, ha. We're a wonton soup. This motherfuckers are making six. million dollars a month pushing heroin growing weed now. They grow on fucking weed. Didn't you watch this Stallone show? In the restaurants? This is what I got to live with.

Yeah, they're growing in the back. No, you dumb fuck. The restaurant is a front. Oh, okay. That restaurant in Cheyenne, Wyoming, that's always been a front for summer. You think Chinese people want to live in fucking Wyoming? There has to be a couple of them. When they're calling China, huh? We're in Wyoming.

Yeah. Let me send you a postcard from Wyoming. They're there for like a year. It's like the mafia. They send them out there for six months. Then they bring them back. Go out there and take care of things. Go out there and handle things.

And you go out there. But you think any decent Chinese person comes on that fucking boat to come over here and live in Des Moines, Iowa? Is that what you're fucking telling me? There has to be five or six. You don't think that any Chinese people who are interested in the environment?

Bruce Lee fucking spun the thing and he pointed at San Francisco. Okay, that's how he ended in San Francisco. He's born in San Francisco. So he went back to China, and he knew he had to go back to San Francisco. Nobody looks at Des Moines, Iowa. It's got to be a, by the way. They send you there, listen to him.

You're going to eat for free, all the fucking, all the spare ribs you want. Just look at me. I don't know what Ming is doing with the heroin. I don't know what they're doing with the firework for a company. I don't know what, you know, what's going on with the fucking bottle rockets. You know, I'm just trying to fucking figure out. That's why they send them. out there. I didn't know all

of them were... It's like when Chinese restaurant Austin. Remember when you were going to go up there? Yeah, good reviews. People were like really dark skin. Remember, they didn't look like regular Chinese people from Jersey. They had like a dark complexion to them. They weren't Chinese. I had no idea. What were they?

They were like, I don't know. People who fucking... I don't even know. You have a lot of conspiracy theories. I don't have no conspiracy. I'm just telling you truth. Why would there be a Chinese? Chinese guy in Des Moines, Iowa. I'm going to go to Des Moines and open up a fucking restaurant.

Let me explain some here. These people don't think like this. They want to fucking, not these people. Nobody thinks that way. You know, except for my buddy who became a multimillionaire by opening up a bagel place in Mississippi. Right. You follow me? Mm-hmm. Why you got to get me on sticky with this stuff? I'm trying. That's the whole point.

Yeah. I'm fucking hungry. I got to pee, and now you're going to be hot. You got to pee again? This is all I do. My resume is comedian peer. I'll be right. back talk to this now we're back

I shouldn't have said that I'm wrong because my friend from Freehold New Jersey he owned the vitamin store down there and he moved to Idaho and I asked him how was his wife going to adapt because she's from Thailand okay and he goes you're not going to believe it

to have a small Thai community so maybe I'm wrong but you're making jokes I didn't think you were being no but I mean like listen when I was going I lived in Boulder, I used to go to a Chinese restaurant in Cheyenne. And I would always ask myself, why are these fucking people here? Right. Right, like not in a bad way.

I would go, why are these Chinese people here? There's no other Chinese people on the block. When they walk home, these people never saw a Chinese person before in their life. They were fucking, you know, chung, chung, whatever. You know, they're racist or whatever. Why would they live here? Well, maybe they had a restaurant. The restaurant's that successful.

But it wasn't a big restaurant, like the one by my house, Crown Palace or one of the Staten Island. It was just a little hole in the wall. So you got to figure what else are they doing? Right. Oh, yeah, I know. You know, what else are they doing? You know, so that's what I always think about.

Everyone, what else would they be doing? They got to be making six figures. Dude, you had the theory about the fruit people. And I was right. And I was right. They caught one of them. They caught one of them. If you're going to do something like that, run a cartel,

to get that, to make that much money, you're going to have to launder. And you have to launder in plain sight. How many fruit stands were across the street from each other in LA? Oh, yeah, like across, across the street from each other? It's like you just try it. There's a fruit stand, there's a fruit. And all of them got the same thing for $1.50. And they're out there, you know, doing that thing.

Come on, dog. And what they were, that's where they get the money. When the guy comes up from Wild Res or whatever the fuck he comes up, and he shoots back down, he stops to get an apple. And they give him a bag of fruit, which is really a bag of money, because they give it to you in a plastic bag. Yeah. they give it to you the plastic bag.

So it's kind of like, after a while, you're like, why are they across the street from somebody? Even Spanish people know, I'm not going to hang on in the sun all day to have my competitor across the street with the same knife and the same fucking fruit. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, they got the same knife.

They all have fucking machete. Jesus. Yeah, and you never think about that. You never think. People don't think about that. Our network is created, a criminal network or whatever the fuck you want to do is created.

When I went to Aspen, they had a place out there called Far East Treasures. It was like one of the grocery stores in Harlem. The wheat stores in the 80s. You went in there, they had one you and a bag of potato chips. They didn't in business to sell potato chips. They sell them $20 bags out of there all fucking day long.

What was Far East Treasures doing in Aspen? They had one carpet worse than this one and a poster of fucking some Indian country. That was it. That's all they had. Nobody was ever in there selling carpets. They were solemn blow.

Dude, I get so bad when I go to bodegas like that. I'm like, everything's stale. I'm the only one buying snacks. I didn't know. Jesus Christ. Why would you buy snacks? Who doesn't want a snack sometimes? What kind of snacks do you get at a bodega?

I don't know. I've got a bag of chips. No. Why would you go to a bag? You're going to get the coconut shit. If you go in a real bodegas, they've got to be a Puerto Rican man. And they have the little croquettas.

They got a bag of, empanadas. They have so many different kinds. They got fucking, those other things that Puerto Ricans eat. Yeah, the Coquito. That shit is good. That fresh coconut grated with sugar, sugar, and more sugar. That's what you need to walk up those stairs.

I get so winded, and every time anytime I ever have someone with me, it's like the most embarrassing. He's like, you try to hide it. But there's no way you can't... Just tell them this, I've got to stop here. There's a leak on this floor. That's what I do. When I get winded, I just stop Maple somebody caught me.

Oh, yeah. I know, I can't get up. It's just, I can't talk for a couple minutes. Who's this? That's what I do. I just make believe something. Like, if somebody's waiting for you, they're like, hey, he's here. And you're walking.

When I get out of a car, I'm winded. Once, I got to pee. I ain't going to make it. So I just walk a little bit and when they, hey, hey, hold on. Yeah, listen. And I just breathe and make believe. That's it. Nobody fucking knows.

You got to, you know. I think outside the box, cucksucker, why be Jewish? I have no other choice. All right. I'm doing good. I'm excited that we got the podcast kicked up tonight. We just wanted to do this to see we don't know if it's good or it's not good. And we don't give a fuck.

For us, this is success because we haven't done shit in four fucking years. We're back. Things are cleaner. We got an office. We got a fucking space. And we're back, motherfuckers. I will be at You're going to be

Uncle Vinnie's? No. Oh, I'm sorry. Shut the fuck up. Let me do the ads here. I will be at it sold out anywhere. Morris Plains on Wednesday

to 20th. We got an open mic to 26 at the American Comedy Hotel. That's sold out. And Philadelphia sold out. I don't even know what I'm telling you people this. I got the fort. That sold out in Jersey City.

And then I'm adding a show at the Vogel. Maybe. I do not know. I need to think about it and see what my endurance is at. Again, I'm too busy on the 27th. I got to do a Skype for this fucking Momo. You believe that? This is like the third year in a row. And last year, the Skype went under.

How does it grow? I just tell them. I do what I do to most people with the fucking Skype and all that. I go on, then I press that button, dark. And they call back. Download the app. I'm trying. I'm not trying. I'm in the garage smoking. I gave up. I don't want to be on your fucking

Skype for your Zoom. Do you see what I deal with? That's every time, that's 20 times a day. You can probably get like an AI thing and just train it to respond to your text for you. Like what do you mean? Like the AI will answer these people? Yeah. Like why? But I can't be rude. I'll just... No, you can be nice.

December 27th is not a good date to do anything. I got kids. I got people going to come over the house. George, you, who the fuck knows? But I don't want sit there all night going, I got to do a Skype. Listen, nobody wants to fucking do a Skype on a roast. Either you're there or you ain't there. What the fuck is wrong with people?

I agree with you. And you know, I try, ladies and gentlemen, but this is the shit that drives me fucking crazy. I'm hungry as fuck tonight. What are you going to get? Everything. I'm like that fucking hooker in Korea in Vietnam with the guy asking, you know,

me so horny. What do you get for $10? Everything. Anything you want. Anything you want. Shit. But that's the church. Like I said, we don't know if this is good or not.

We got guests lined up straight though fucking after New Year's. Guests that you heard us talking about before. This is going to put the face with the fucking story. And then we're going to throw some curveballs at you. You know how we do it. We're just getting started. That's it. And that's that.

I love you. And we'll be back next Tuesday. Tip Top McGoo. Ready to Rock. Stay blessed. Cox soft is hitably. Love you guys. Welcome back to church.

The Church New Testament is brought to you by the freeze pipe. It's getting chilly out there. It's time to cool down your bung too. Free pipe makes it easy with a glycerine chamber that you pop in the freezer

and when you're ready to see the devil, you take it out, you pop it, and you're ready to smoke. Let me tell you something. Freeze pipe will cool down the smoke by over 300 degrees. That means no more throat burning, no more coffin, and an overall way better experience.

Me, I love my little freeze pipe. I live with that little dabber, the bubbler, unbelievable. It still kicks. I clean it every other day. And when I'm ready to smoke, it's in the freezer, in the corner, it gets nice and frozen. And when I'm ready, bab boom! So whether you're into pipes, bombs, bubbles, or dabs,

check it out with the freeze pipe. Now, shop today at the freezepipe.com. and pressing code Diaz, D-I-A-Z for 10% off your order. That's thefreespipe.com code Diaz for 10% off your order. The holidays are coming and grandma needs a new bond. Order today and get free shipping and say goodbye to harsh smoke forever.

The church is also brought to you by Blue Chew. Listen, you never know how full you'll feel after a turkey dinner. bring along some blue chew this Thanksgiving just in case you bump into whoever made the turkey. Blue chew is an online service that delivers the same active ingredients as Viagra, Cialis, Lovetra, but at a fraction of the cost in a chewable tablet. And it tastes tremendous. You bump into somebody, you want to get the party started, boom, you pop it out of your wallet, and within 30 minutes, there you are, bouncing up and down like a savage.

signing up is easy too just head to bluechew.com meet with one of their licensed medical providers and if you're approved you'll get your prescription within days me I love blue chew I'll pop one of those things and I'm ready to do backflips

you know what I'm saying so blue chute wants men rock hard not like these other non-testosterone eating little skinny guys with brown shoes and black jeans on the hell with that blue chute wants you to be a savage at all times

So discover your options at bluchu.com. And we got a special deal for the Church New Testament. You ready? Try Bluetooth free when you press and code Diaz at checkout. That's right. I said free. It's a Tuesday. Just pay $5 hours of shipping when you use promo code Diaz, D-I-A-Z at checkout.

That's bluechoo.com. promo code Diaz to receive your first month for free. Visit bluethroud.com for more details and important safety information.