The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - The Criminal Mentality

Episode Date: October 21, 2025

Joey Diaz tells Lee Syatt about his recent hospital stay and how he broke out, that he joined comedy to be an "outlaw" and why he is fearful for the future of stand up comedy, why he doesn't believe in, "selling out" and more! SHOW NOTES Get your 1st month of BlueChew FREE w/ code JOEY @ https://bluechew.com/ Support the show & download the DraftKings app. New customers get $300 in bonus bets when you bet your first $5 and press in code JOEY. F*%k your khakis and get The Perfect Jean 15% off with the code CHURCH15 at https://www.theperfectjean.nyc/CHURCH15 #theperfectjeanpod

What's happening, beautiful people? Uncle Joey here with his Jewish Cato, Lee Syatt, for another fun-filled episode of the Church New Testament. It's October 21st, tap, chop, chop, nine more weeks to Christmas, and you're still looking at me like I'm missing the boat. Anyway, we're here. I'm ready for a tremendous Tuesday. How about you?

I'm ready. All right, let's do this. Let's kick this off with a quick advertising from the advertisement. Listen, we don't like doing this. and we got to do it, all right? They want it in the beginning. That's how they wanted, all right? He's got a wedding to pay for it with an open bar.

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Anyway, what's up, dog? I'm good, dude. I miss you. What, how you've been all week? I've been in Massachusetts losing... I can't... Dude, every time I go to a casino, I need to hire someone to beat me up

because I can't win a bet at a casino. You not read a book? Can you not take an online course? At least to guide you there. You know, after a while... Listen, I don't have the patience to stand there. But at least, like, years ago. Listen to this.

I didn't even have an idea about poker. I grew up in the wildest place. Everybody plays poker here. I'm the only Cuban that don't play fucking poker or Domino's. HBO had a website for the longest yard. No. The longest yard had a website. Remember before they released it,

they had pictures on there, and you could buy merch and all this shit. But if you were, they had a section for gambling. And that's how I learned to play. poker because you'd play with fake chips. Right. Oh, when I'm playing with fake chips, I went every time. And then I go in and...

But at least I learned, you know, listen, today I forgot. That was when the Sopranos were on TV and Longest Yard. Right. I forgot how to play poker. But I'm saying at least, I fucking, you know, like, you like to gamble. I love it. So how do we up the odds for you to make money? The problem is, I heard, this could be fake.

I heard Dana White like banned himself from the casinos because he was doing so bad because you got to go in you have he has the way to do it you got to go in with like 2 million three hands and leave and leave correct and I don't I sit there I have a drink I like because you I'm such a degenerate

like I think I'm going to win with $25 hands you're not going to do shit with $25 hands you never fucking know that's why you're sitting at that table how many times how many times do you guys think that the Cuban Jewish Joey Dears doesn't get $50 in chips just to play blackjack on draft kings. Oh, I love doing on draft king.

Even though I know I'm going to lose that 50 because it ain't enough dough. But the other motherfucking day, I hadn't gambled in like fucking 10 days. And I went on there and I had a $3 bonus. Okay. Something else. You bet $3? No. I bet a dollar slots.

And also I won like a jackpot for $130. And then I took it down. I said, all right, up to $100. I'm going to bet fives. And anyway, I ended up the morning with $3.38 over the $3.08 cents I had. Whoa. And that happens. And that's why you take a check.

Does it always happen? Not really. When I was in the hospital, you know, the guards were like, fuck it, give him a break. Give him a fucking break. You were in the hospital again? Fuck yeah. I told you about this shit. Jesus, dude.

But I'm fucking, listen, man, it's been, this has been going on for 11 months. This has been going on since December last year. year. Last November, I started eating fucking mushrooms like they were going on this out. Between the mushrooms, the fucking ear. I don't know what happened. I got the flu. I ended up in the hospital in January. I couldn't breathe. February, same shit. This time they tried to blame Deviticalitis. So, I'm joy. March, I got it again. That was the worst I did. But this shit that went on for the last month. I couldn't even tell. Because every day I went for hope. Like I'm taking these minerals now. I switch to these vitamins. Hope for this.

I'm taking peptides from my lungs. I'm doing all this shit. And I can't walk a flight of steps. And I'm like, come on, man. Come on. But then it started getting progressing. It started progressing. And I noticed it when I went to the gym. Come on, I could do a half hour boxing, three minute, hitting the bag, hitting the mitts, fucking hitting the speed bag. You go back to the fucking whatever. I could do that with my eyes closed. Three times a week. I would go in and then I felt like my fucking, I was going to faint.

I was going to have a fucking stroke. I didn't know what was going on. I got the times got shorter and shorter. And then guys, I didn't even tell you motherfuckers. So I turned myself into the hospital on Tuesday, right? Because listen, this time I realized the hospital is a lot like going through the joint. When I got out?

People were like, when did you get out? No, I was in the hospital. Not when I got out. You know what the fuck is wrong with you? Jesus, I turn myself in. Let me tell you what happened here. These performances after the podcast, walking up the stairs is unacceptable.

Unacceptable. The last one was unacceptable, or the one before that was unacceptable. I appreciate you guys always take care of me and help me. But this wasn't about you guys. This is about me. I just couldn't do it. And then Friday, I went to freeholds to the weed store

or maybe the English town to root it and on the way back I got so excited I had a peat and I pulled over right by my house right by the Arab restaurant I made a fucking right turn and there's a parking lot there there's Elnito's there and all but the gym and I pulled behind there

and I just took my seatbelt off ran out of the car and piss came out everywhere like it was just it went from zero to 60. Like, I got to pee now. Like, lucky that I didn't break in my pants. I think I peed on my shoes. I got new shoes. You'll never see those Adidas again. They were bad luck. Fucking, you know, and this one, guys, so you know you pee. I had a towel in the back because I knew this was happening. I dried in my hands. I got that anti-sanitizer. I go to get in the fucking car.

Guys, I wasn't even in the seat. Two minutes had to get out of the seat. I couldn't breathe. it felt like my legs up close like this was locking this up. I knew I wasn't getting no heart attack. I grew up in the hills of North Perkins. There ain't no heart attack coming here. If I go out, I'm going to get shot like Kennedy or something like that, right? Like fucking Charlie Kirk, whatever the fuck. Oh.

Listen, at least you're doing it to yourself now before I was getting mug. Now you're getting assassinated. I'm not talking about suicide. No, assassinated. I don't want you to think I'm at home massaging my job. Lovane, bring cream on it and shit, you know what I'm saying? I was like, bet in Detroit tonight. Nah, go, go, go, go.

Anyway, so, you know, guys, it was, it wasn't a two-minute episode, like what you guys usually see. It was a 25-minute episode in the rain. And here's what gets worse. I had to open up the truck, get out to my feet, open up the window on my truck, and I had to hang in there because I couldn't, my legs wouldn't carry me. Who was I going to call, guys? My wife was at the movies with Mercy. I mean, you guys live up here. Who am I going to call?

So I just wanted to get home. I just wanted to get home. And sure enough, I go to get in the shop and I got to pee again. And now it started all over. I sat in that parking lot for 40 minutes. People going to get Chinese food kept stopping. Are you all right, sir? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I just puked on my sneakers, you know, whatever. No, I couldn't fucking get back on the car. I couldn't breathe. So I knew there was a problem. Saturday it went okay, Sunday at the baseball game. That was it. It was raining. I walked a little quicker, and I had to pee.

And by the time I got to the car, guys, again, he just blew up. That thing that happened at the mall that we joked about last week. Right. That was not good. That's unacceptable, John. Right. That's unacceptable. That's a health problem.

So Monday, I went to the boxing gym, and I lasted 14 minutes. And what happens? Like, you can't catch your breath or you just can't even breathe at all? I had the fucking inhaler. You know, just you start with the warm-up. And after that first warm-up, I knew. I got on the bike to warm up for two rounds, which was six minutes, and I could barely get off it.

And then I got in front of a heavy bag. I think I did two rounds in front of a heavy bag, or maybe a round and a half. And I was like, this ain't working thing. this was all hot and then Tuesday I went to the regular gym I did 20 on the bike but then I started lifting

10 minutes 12 minutes I went home I waited for Terry to come home I told to take my blood pressure and it was out there but I'll fucking and leak a post this for all his shit so you motherfuckers know at home Uncle Joey ain't going nowhere

that was my blood pressure Wednesday night take a look at those numbers 197 over 127 1207 120 is a stroke guys and were you feeling anxiety or like what was going on

so after 20 fucking sticks this is where the comedy comes in okay so after the fucking they because I had a lump on my leg I'm like you shouldn't have that lump on your leg and it does hurt a little bit It's like a fucking, I bump into shit. I don't about you guys.

When you get to 50, you bump into shit, you know. Ledges that don't belong there, you just don't see them. Let's be honest. You just don't see him. But you bump into this shit. So they're like, we have to scan your leg and do this and do that. I've been going there for shortness of breath, so the lung department is great. And the heart department is fucking superb.

Like the people I'm dealing, I got to go back and see him Wednesday. that, but there's something not right. The heart is clean, but there's something that's not right. I feel it like the air. Maybe it's a nozzle. Maybe a nozzle broke and fucking the air's leaking out. I don't fucking know. The heart nozzle.

Yeah, you've been saying that even before the hospital like last year happened. So I went and they, I went to this time oncology came in. And they fucking scaled. And they said I had a lymph node in my leg that's obstructing the flow. Okay. And that my bladder is overfilling. Ten years ago I was kidnapping people and putting them in the trunk of a car. Today my bladder is overfilling.

Do you understand what that does to your ego, gentlemen? At some point you go, what the fuck? I should ice my... Why did I stop doing Coke? To go out with a limp note to my fucking leg? I was meant to go in a hotel with some fat hooker farting in my mouth with powder all over my face. Like I was snorting jelly donuts part-time. The fuck?

dude, yeah. Now I got an overfilled bladder that goes to my kidneys, which in turn makes my heart go into rhombata, whatever the fuck, rumbation, something with an R. And then it goes up to my fucking anxiety.

So basically, before my wife drove me to the hospital, I was 202 over 212. And my, whatever my heart drops, your blood pressure goes. Okay. Dog, I woke up.

Well, we'll talk about that later. I had 41. 41, what? My heartbeat was like the pulse. Okay. That's unacceptable. That's low, right? Yeah.

So my wife took me in that dog. When they looked at my blood pressure and they checked my fucking pulse, they were like, get him in there. But in minutes, I had an IV. I mean, sometimes you're in there like two hours downstairs. And listen, I accept it.

I'm the one that sick that I've never complained. I like the emergency room. The emergency room is like going to court. If you're a professional and you're really a student in life, you're not going to learn anything in life until you go to courts. See a court session live where people have to plead their cases and shit. Right. That's brilliant or an emergency room.

Yeah, I've been there a lot this year. And see what these people do under high stress situations. So come to me next time about your yoga studio. and how it's so stressful to have it. Listen, go get a job part-time with that. When you watch people and women in emergency room and men nurses, you get a whole new respect for these people. A whole different respect.

The one thing is, this is a field unless you love it, it ain't going to work. If you don't like cleaning people's assholes, don't get into it because it's going to happen. If you don't like cutting some chubby guys' nails, don't get into it because you're going to have to cut them. these girls do shit and these men that are fucking unbelievable

and I'll tell you, every time I'm in the hospital like that it humbles you. You're like Jesus Christ, this is how I should love stand up. Look at what these women do till 7 in the morning. It's a 12 hour shit, motherfucker. They average anywhere from 10 to 18,000

steps of fucking shit. At least, yeah. And then like Matt, because you're at a nice hospital. I went to an emergency room earlier this year at like a not nice one where like they bring homeless people in who are going nuts. Like the people who work there are fucking crazy. I don't know how you do it.

Bitch, let me tell you something. My wife pulls up to valet. Like the emergency room, they got valet in Jersey. So my wife pulls up to the valet. She goes, there's no fucking valet there. She goes, I'll just drop you off. And I'll park right over there. There was parking spots.

I'm not even out of the car, two minutes. And I go to grab my suitcase. And I look, And it's like a chubby sister with a chubby brother with a white t-shirt on with something around his left wrist and blood is everywhere.

Jesus. Do I stop? Do I go, what happened, brother? Fuck, no. I pick up my bag and I keep moving because I'm cutting this motherfucker off. I'm not letting him get to the hoop

before me because I'll fain that fucking thing. Just watching this poor brother blade to death that's not going to work out for Uncle Joey. So I beat him to the thing. Boom, they scan your shit.

pop, pop, beep, poop, Joe Diaz, Jose Diaz, whatever, your birthday, and they sat me down, guy could jump right on me, did blood pressure. They didn't even hesitate. It took me right into the fucking STS machine, where they put the EKG blood pressure. Before I got out of the blood pressure room, I already had a fucking thing in my arm. And usually they take you to emergency until you wait. They were like, we're on a different level tonight. They took me right to my room.

Thank God, knock on wood, it was a single room. You got to give Jersey Shore a lot of credit for that. I love the food. I love everything. The nurses were fantastic. So that's what's going on with me. So I doubled up and they fucking lowered some prescription, hired some prescriptions because the problem was I was on like four diuretics.

I wonder I'm peeing fucking constantly. Oh, yeah. You guys don't know my uncle Joey lives. You guys have no idea. I got up in the morning I pee. It's a long one. You wash your hands, you throw some water on your face, a toothbrush, you go outside, you make a cup of coffee.

You know any times I just drink a cup of coffee a little bit? Motherfucker, I got to fucking pee again. And that's no fucking easy thing. That's like 25 steps back and forth. I'm not in the mood. I just woke up. So sometimes I just take my dick right off the balcony because I got no class, right? I just make believe I'm out there looking for an owl and shit and take my dick out.

sometimes I piss on the balcony sometimes I'm already sitting on the balcony or do you walk out to the balcony? No, I wake up every morning and go to the balcony regardless of the weather. Wait, are you talking about front or side? The back. All right, the back one, all right, thank God. I thought you were in the front waving to the neighbors. No, I'm in the back because that's where the sunlight is.

Oh, okay. There's no sunlight on that side of the house. Gotcha. I don't want to sit out there with cold people. I come to the warm side of the house and fuck and at least I get some vitamin D. I look at the trees. I thank the Lord. Right.

But that's how my day starts. Okay, and then I put the coffee cup down. I walk down the stairs. And by the time I go down the stairs again, I got to fucking do another two-minute pee. It don't stop there. Now I have, like, water downstairs. I drink that, I come up,

wash my pussy, go to the kitchen, no more coffee. Right. A glass of water with ice, a lot of ice cold. How much are you drinking? I got a drink. I'm thirsty. I'm going to tell you to fucking drink.

Everybody, you know, everybody tells you, I ain't great. When we were kids, nobody drank water. I don't know. Right? When I was a kid, I never drank water. It was Coca-Cola, Cuban soda, a fucking... That's it.

No, fuck that shit. No, Gatorade? No, I have coke in my house. I waste my time with Gatorade. So, but, so it sounds like the peeing is like the main issue. But I take a vitamin, I take a vitamin combo and a prescription combo. Right around breakfast, that's around 7.30. I sit, everybody's gone.

I do what I got to do on the computer, pay some bills, whatever, and then I shoot to the gym. By the time I get to the gym, I get on that bike, and I do 20 minutes. Okay. Different levels. Like, it's a hit program. Like, I go from, by the time I get off that bike, listen, if you're in my way, you're going down. I don't care if you're old, young. And I tell people, Tim, Bob, because you're going down.

I'm taking you with me. Don't get in that bathroom and fuck around. don't get in that bathroom and fuck around I'll choke you to death and if not I go right outside and take my dick out people doing those things when they push

you ever see those people they push the sleds I've been out there 10 times and then I go back out there while they're out there and I ask the gym train hey let me ask you something don't they smell like piss back here

you guys got to get rid of that cat and he's like I smell it all the time I pay too much for dues every month and it's you believe that I torture him about to pee I even torture him But now they're never going to, well, now they might because they might see this, but they wouldn't ever guess it was you if you're the one complaining about it.

No, I'm the one that calls them over and go, guys, it smells like pee over here. This is ridiculous. Unacceptable. It's unacceptable. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. But I called you and you told me that at least they let you sleep.

They didn't wake you up at 4 in the morning to ask you how tall you were this time. No. listen, there was some nice people. And let me see, Tuesday night, I got in there, good movies while I was in there. Look, there was a tremendous horror combination one day. The omen went right into the exorcist. Oh, holy shit.

And I was going in the kitchen because I had my own pass. You know what I'm saying? Like I worked on the nurses to give me the combo. There was me and a little black lady. She was working for every dime. They were going to pay. Who pays when you're in the hospital when you're old? Medicare.

Medicare. She was milk in Medicaid. She was taking three orange juices at a time. Oh, fuck, yeah. I was back there making hazeln of the coffee. Then nobody found it. When he goes, the coffee is not good. They had a fucking one of those thing machines.

I'm back there. Not everyone has a code to the employee kitchen. Yeah, but then they left it open a lot this time. So I would go in there and dog the one night. Oh, all right. So anyway, so. So the first night I'm down there, you know, a boom, not a bad night.

I think I just didn't sleep. They tested me. They did the finger for the fucking blood, the blood pressure, which was great. They were a great fucking hospital when it comes to that. But I asked the nurse. I go, you know, I'm in a high blood pressure. If you don't let me sleep, you'll listen. I'll do this test at 1130.

Do the breath of life. Do the breath thing. And then you go to sleep until 4.4.30. 5.30. But Joey Diaz is an old fucking fart. So I'm up and up a doodle at 4.30. And they would start like, you can't eat because you have a test this morning. Dog, I'd go right to the kitchen in front of them.

Even with the thing that said NSF, all, do not feed, I went right in the fucking kitchen, started drinking orange juices, made a hazel of coffee, drank the coffee right there in the kitchen, and then said, you know what, I'm going to eat six boxes of Rice Krispies. And that's exactly what I did. I ate six boxes of Rice Krispy. Dry or with milk? With milk?

What do you think? I'm a communist? How do you, how long did it take you need six boxes? Like, I know, like, I know those are a minute. Six minutes. Six minutes. This is a prison. Listen, my prison technique came back.

Number one, you take, they have milk, non-fat milk, two percent milk, orange, apple, cranberry. Ooh. Okay? That's the first shelf. Yeah. The second shelf, they got chocolate pudding, vanilla pudding. The chocolate pudding is the worst ever.

Even I made better pudding in prison. Oh, God, awful. Like you ever take a shit and it's extra dark? Yeah. That's what I like about this pudding. It's extra dark. You got that look to it. It took me down memory lane.

And then the bottom dab, Shweps, diet, and real ginger ale. Okay. A dog on the top, you open it up, and it's Hershey, vanilla, chocolate, strawberry ice cream, plus lemon and cherry Italian ice. Come on, bro. This is a class action in hospital.

Plus, at 7 a.m. If you don't want to wait for breakfast, you can order your own breakfast when they deliver it. Some little guy with a hat. How much change you need? How much is the tab? 13.

Bring up a 20. It's all yours. Within seconds. This motherfucker, you put the phone down. He's right there, a little Filipino. He's right there. Tremend, dog, tremendous. But I didn't give a fuck.

Like, they told me you can't eat after a minute. That's never going to happen. Listen, that's never going to happen. But the third day, I was looking through my bag and guess what I found in there. some sort of drug a paper pen a good one too

one of those $80 once I thought I had three times my blood pressure was $1.90 They were back in there we don't know what's going on I like you just happened to find it like you didn't put it in there on purpose

I don't remember putting it in there when I went to watch a movie or something something I didn't I forgot I even had it I just went in there and go what the fuck And the connector worked for me. I had one of the connectors. One of the chargers.

I started charging that motherfucker. I had to hide it, though, because they told me there was a patient that had 17 vapor pens in there. And he was smoking by the oxygen and his place was going to blow up. I just made sure I smoked in the bathroom with the water on, you know what I'm saying? To put some moisture in the air. Remember the green book where the black dude lived above, like, the concert hall? Yeah.

You're just going to get an apartment in the hospital. Just like that ice cream at all times. Just to get whatever. I'm surprised you didn't bring a fucking bong to the hospital. Why are you smoking in the hospital? Because, dog, you get slowly in that room. I know, but you look at three fucking walls. My view was a fucking roof with a ladder going to nowhere.

It was like, go up that ladder, you're going to die. You're going right to heaven. That's all I had to stay away to heaven or the hell. Just take a shot at it, all right? Yeah, but they have you. Don't you have any ABX stuff? Listen, listen. We've been friends.

I don't know how long. You've listened to my bullshit. I don't know how long. When are you going to figure out that your uncle Joey's a fucking addict that he needs to burn the candle somewhere? Do it with Rice Krispies then? Listen, the Rice Krispies were great,

but they ain't doing nothing for my coconut. When I'm getting surrounded all day with stupid questions, what medication do you take at home? What are you bothering me for? You see my wife here? If my wife ain't here, I'm like one of those commies.

I don't know nothing. You just think of your name. You've seen of the Indian. Rank agent 4-6-6-6-6-7-4. I don't know nothing. I know the Declaration of war. You know, that type of shit. That's what I'm saying.

Guys, I don't know nothing. I have become such a fucking memory lane dude. Like, I remember shit now. And I giggle. I almost crashed the car this afternoon. Thinking of something funny that happened, you know? I like it, but Jesus. 16 years you've been running with me.

You haven't figured out. I've got to put some... Listen, if there was no weed, and you were stuck with me and I was up by your mom's house. Right. You don't think I'd raid that fucking medical bin? Because I know she got to have a goodie bag in there.

You know what I'm saying? Oh, yeah. It's got to have something that hits heavy. And it's not going to be every night. As long as I hit it one night just to me out. Yeah, but you have edibles. You can't breathe and you're smoking. I didn't have edibles.

I did not have edibles or marijuana leave. You got to have like a hospital-only kit of it. Like, this is why you don't eat every ABX that you have as soon as you get it. Well, they're all gone. They were giving it to you by the case. I don't have you seen. There's none around. We ate the ones in the cup.

When George is out of ABX, you got a problem. Yeah. Because George will whip out the ones he ate with Abe Lincoln. I got some in the freezer. Don't worry about nothing. We're going to go to a quick commercial break. We'll be right back. Hey, Uncle Joey here to talk to you about a new sponsor, and I love him.

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We're back! Anyway, what else is going on, Lee? I had a good weekend. I had... I'm not saying I killed, but I had the best hosting week that I've had. I did a lot better of, like, opening up. What did you do different? You slowed it up. Yeah. I slowed it up and I was like I asked like who's celebrating stuff and it was like they were fun shows but they weren't hugely packed.

So it was a little bit the first one I didn't do that. But then the second I was like I'm sick of not doing well as a host. So the second and the third one going up first is a completely different thing and I was really happy with my weekend. My weekend was pretty good. I had fun. I got to see my mom and it was a, you called me this morning. You're like, I don't know. Don't worry about coming back maybe.

And I was like, I left. We had a 6 o'clock show last night, and I got in the car as soon as it was over, and I was back by midnight when the garage closed. When I got up this morning, I waited for about an hour, too, and I just wasn't feeling it. I don't want to rush anything.

I have to be ready by November 8th. I really have to be ready by November 5th, and that's two weeks away. You don't look like, I'm an ugly dude, but I ain't trick-a-treating. You know what I? You want to come over? and lick my nuts at you more than welcome.

You don't even got to wear a costume. No, no, but that's, you know, like I just want to rest the next two weeks. Right. I got a couple doctors who want to figure out where the fuck, you know, what's the next move? I got Wednesday. I got fucking Thursday. Thursday that we got the show. So I'm going to make it for that.

And then I got another week of dicking around. And then we got to be ready for war. And that's it. That's just the way. So at least I get two weeks to get healthy and, uh, ping, bang, boom. Oh, yeah. You know? I was, uh, it was too bad.

missed you at the dojo that night last week. Yeah. That was a fun night. Listen, I was supposed to turn myself into Friday. My plan was Friday morning because I wanted to do the dojo Wednesday night. And then my daughter had the, which guys, it's been a hell of a weekend. But my daughter had orientation, not really orientation. She went to visit St. John Viani.

And it was, it's like me smoking pot. at 12, listening to Led Zeppelin. It opened up her mind immediately. It opened up her avenues immediately. I like it. She wants to go visit some other place. Whatever the fuck she wants to do. But it's a real pleasure to watch your children grow. You know, I know a lot of you guys don't have kids

or maybe you don't want kids. A lot of you people have children already. But that's one of the best things. When they come to you and they talk to you and they're enthusiastic, that's always a great thing. But there was something that was bothering me about something. I want to talk to you about it, Lee. Okay.

As you know, listen, when I got into comedy, my brother George will tell you, I was a lost soul, like 90% of the people in America. I had no fucking future. The only thing I was good at was maybe robbing people, gas stations, drug dealers. And you guys laugh, and he'll tell you. But you were good at it. Listen, I had a nose for it, okay? Let's just say that.

If you had cocaine in your house, I could sniff it to fuck out. Okay, but it was a petty life and it didn't work out for me. And the only thing that really appealed to me was stand-up comedy because I'd read the Lenny Bruce book. But more than that, and, you know, listen, I grew up with movie actors that were also kind of outlaws that weren't fronting. Like they weren't Pablo Pascal at the King's March yesterday. You know what I'm saying? with sunglasses. And a scarf.

I didn't grow up around those people. I grew up with people that kept their fucking mouth shut. Steve McQueen. Fucking, today my daughter had some music on the car. She's going to see this girl on Friday. And I said, this sounds like

a song that would be on in one of those James Coburn movies. I remember I meant Flint when he came out dancing. I was a bad motherfucker that dude. They hung out with Bruce Lee. You know, in my eyes, I like a lot of actors today,

But they're either faking the funk or they're really dynamite people. And at the end of the day, you know what, dynamite people, oh, who gives a fuck? I got into comedy because I felt it was a one-percenta type of deal. It's like joining a fucking motorcycle game. Okay? My plans were not what your plans were. My plans were not what most comics. My plan was to be a biker comic without a motorcycle, like live on the road.

Like the catcher from Major League. Tom Berringer. In the beginning, he was living in Mexico, playing fucking baseball. I'd be happy with that. Was I looking to get rich? No. Cover my rent.

And I'll fucking bartending and do comedy at half time. You know, that's it. Without being bothered, I was prepared to, after prison, I was prepared just to live somewhere in Wyoming, do comedy upstairs, do a show.

Compared to crime, that sounds pretty good. People have no fucking ideal, okay? One thing I learned when I got locked up was I didn't want to get locked up. Right. That's a little too heavy for anybody, okay? Especially when you don't belong there.

You talk to the people around you. You guys are nice and shit and I'm having a fun time. You know, it's like, like you feel like pee-wee and the big adventure when he's at the bike motorcycle ball. You're like, you guys are a lot of fun, but I don't ever want to see you motherfuckers again. And some of them were good people. They were like me.

They just made mistakes. And that's why they were at the camp level I was in. But to make a long story sure, I got into comedy. The first five years, I felt so fucking special. I felt like a criminal that wasn't a criminal. But I still was part-time criminal. I was still bringing back returns and coffee makers. You were semi-retired.

And still doing low-life type shit. But it was paying my rent and child support and a bunch of shit in between, you know. And I really admired comedy. and on the road working with C comics opening up for them on triple runs I started noticing bitterness guys that were bitter so what are your goals I stick around in Boulder and now I'm gonna go to L.A. L.A. is for gay people unless you're gonna suck dick you're never going to get stage time you know I would ask them do you do spots at the improv no never they never give us

spots and you do spots at the comics, well forget it. They'll never let us in there. I'm like, why are you guys not in their life? Well, this was like a six-month span, and I'm working with these comics, and they're all fucking deeds, and their anger and they're bitter, and I remember going back

and going, what the fuck is this? This is the best job in the world. They pay you 75 bucks. You got a 50-50 shot of getting your dick sucked. You do some drinking, you do some drugs, and you don't have to get up the next morning. Are you fucking crazy?

That's pretty great. You only have to get up if you have responsibility. But think about being a 28-year-old loser that could sleep on anybody's floor. There's no responsibility. When those comedy clubs would give me a hotel room, oh, like the Italian says, Mar-on-a-meet. Forget about it. I would fucking, it'd be like, if they gave me a motel six,

in my mind, it was the Taj Mahan guys. Right. So think about when we got a hotel room now with a shower on the balcony, what I feel. understand those rooms grounded me, but I'm getting to, these comics taught me. So, no, I was a little down for a while doing comedy. I was going through a divorce. And then through the fucking grace of God, I met abroad in Michigan, and she had balls.

And she made me move to Seattle with it. Whatever happened between us, the following years is irrelevant. She made me make the move. And she supported my comedy, as much as she was a dirty whore and all that shit. I still love her. I'm angry at it now because she don't check in enough. And we were always based on checking in. We love each other.

I still love her to the grave because she's a good egg. And fine, I got to L.A., and Seattle was great. I met Josh Wolf. It was an open mic level. We were all feature acts driving. Nobody was cut through yet. Right. I slept at your floor.

George slept with me. Lee came over. We would go to eat at night after the shows. we do a show, we take the check, $84 between the four of us, we go to eat. Nobody gets a dime. We're going to eat the $84 and then tip or a nice tip. You know what I'm saying?

That's what we did. We were gentlemen. Your friends, not competitive. Nobody's going to say, well, give me my 20. I want to eat. It ain't that type of party. You either eat or take your $24 fucking dollars, okay? What do you want?

We're a family, man. Listen, once you move to L.A., all that changes. All those people you met along the way, Now it changes. Now the dynamic changes. You're not the kid at that fucking open mic no more. You're in it for the real fucking money now. And relationships get severed.

And I'm very happy that when I got to the store, again, I learned how to read people at my mother's funeral. I just got better at it over the years. When I got to the store, something happened like the first month that I was like, wow, it's that type of party. Okay. And I've been through every party. You know what I'm saying?

Like when you've been through every party and this motherfucker pulls this party, so I had a friend called Lionel from Seattle, one of the baddest white motherfuckers I've ever met in my life, besides Pete Rose, all the great white ones, the white dude from in New England.

Brady? Brady, this dude was solid. Musician, but my dog, my dog in Seattle. Anybody ever asked me about him, I'd say, give him whatever the fuck he wants. he was a heart of goal, like George. We just, there's different type of people.

He was long hair, Langley, would fight you at a drop of a dime. And he was the cook at the comedy club. And he lived in a warehouse. Well, I told you, the windows are broken. You'd wake up at four in the morning. There'd be three black guys smoking crack. Oh, this is my, but this guy brought excitement to your life. Right.

When you thought you were like, most people, every night he went home to something different. It was like your uncle. He went home to something different. Once he went to that basement and locked that door and put the TV on, it could be one in the morning. God knows who was going to knock on that door. Let me tell you something to the common person that turned home.

I wouldn't work in my life because I worked. These people weren't thinking about work. These people went to work when it was proper for them. Like, I don't know how many times I bummed the people. Like, I got to work tomorrow. I haven't been there for four days. Haven't been there for four days. You know what I'm saying?

It was a different time. that. Yeah. I haven't been there for four days. And then... So comedy was like, when I went to L.A., let's not, you know, I got blessed. Let's find I hate that word.

But God is always, he took my parents, but he's always given me a little bit of leniency. And my brother, Jordan, knows he gave me Ralphie, man. He gave me Joe Rogan. He gave me Josh Wolfe. He gave me Dukeman. the guy from the comedy store,

and he gave me the comedy store and Mitchie show. If you can't do something with that, and the guy who made me go to L.A. was a guy my name of Doug Stannelho. When it comes pound for pound, you know, he might be drunk right now, but I'll put him up against anybody.

You know, I put him up. And I love him. I don't pray for a lot of people. I pray for Doug. Because he's the last of the real deal. Everybody else is faking the fuck. Right. And it's really weird.

surrounded with these people, so I had to learn something and grasp them. But I used my criminal gladly, my criminality growing up in that criminal mentality to push me. And that's how I felt I could deal with comedians. I could pull them aside and go, listen, there's what happened. I think after a month or two I was in, I went down there because Lionel was coming to town from Seattle. He said, get the package ready. So I didn't have any money. I went and sprung $100. and those days, Chewy, God breast is so, will give me 620s for 100. So I bought all 620s.

I'm sitting there and at the comedy so you could drink for free. You give the bartender a bump and they'll let you drink for free. This is back in 97. Yeah, 97. And... Can't imagine doing drugs with someone named Lionel. Canada Dry Ginger Rail, the best. And I've been loyal system.

This is 1960 fucking seven, okay? This is what? I ordered with fucking chicken delight when I was a kid then. Not gonna lie to you, I got off the ginger ale wagon, and I went over to Tahitian treat for a while. You motherfuckers don't even know what Tahitian treat is, but always my heart's with Canada,

dry ginger ale. A lot of people think I'm a Coke guy. That's second. My heart's with ginger ale. Some fucking ice cubes. Oh, yeah. With, listen to this, guys. The fucking, uh,

anyway, we're not going to get into that. So, I, Lionel. I had this cocaine. And it was 10 o'clock at night, and I had already done two packages on my own.

And my girlfriend at the time was a little strict about cocaine, but I was always saved one because she liked when I put on her monkey and then she ate my ball sack. It was a tremendous. Whenever you gave a Coke, she'd go right for the ball sack.

I loved all that shit. Tremendous, tremendous. Sounds like a ghost. She's great. She's great. I miss her. So a guy came up to me that I knew from the comedy scene.

I didn't know him long, but I knew him long. enough, you know? He knew people I knew and was starting to talk. And I go, you want to do it? He goes, man, I'm tired. I don't know. He wants to do a blast? He goes, you got one? I go, yeah. Come on. I give him two blasts. And he goes, man, that's the first time. I've done that in a while. That shit is good. I go, listen, I got three packages. Take one. And, well, good. I gave him a package. three weeks later there's a meeting and he's at that meeting

but in retrospect there's a dear friend of mine at that meeting he doesn't know that we know each other and the agent suggests have you seen the comedian Joey Diaz the kid I gave the two bumpster and the 20 yelled that Cokefeant

I wouldn't let him on this project he got back to me that night that's how quick you got back to you because I knew the guy. Right. I knew the guy and he goes, Coco, what's going on.

And I never really said nothing to him because I learned the lesson. The lesson is, don't trust none of these motherfuckers. Okay? And I have dear friends of the comedians,

but I got them from trust and being in the trenches with them or whatever. I don't, you, tremendous pay-o-com-bye. That's a tremendous, oh, my God.

I had some chicken salad with, Granberries in it, a multi-grained bread. That is tremendous. Some Yoplay yogurt. Forget about it. Can you small the cranberries? Huh?

You can smell the cranberries? It's a cranberry mix. It's not Thanksgiving. It's like the day afterward. You know what I'm saying? But I learned something. I learned that people, and a couple things happened. Like comics died, and within 10 minutes,

comics would call them for the booking. You know, just a lot of creepy things you hear over the years. And you learned that by 2000, I learned that, it's an occupation that people will sell your soul and attack you. And it's crazy, guys. It really is crazy. And I've always been very proud to be a comic. I've held the comic flag a lot differently than a lot of people.

And maybe whatever, you know, whatever. I'm an old man. But what I'm trying to say is, I don't know what's going on comedy and I'm old. I just know that it's like East Coast rap, East Coast, West Coast. Right. In the 90s. Everybody's attacking everybody, and I don't know.

I don't know. I don't have any opinion. You know, it's about the Riyadh Comedy Festival. Listen, what the fuck? You give me $2 million. You think I want to sit here with you guys? God knows what I would have done. But nobody gets put in that position, you know,

until I get put in that position. For people to speak, I don't know. I don't even want to get involved in this, but what's going on with stand-up comedy is not me at all. I've kept my mouth shut. but it's interesting to see what I saw, what you guys never saw over the years because this is the only thing I was trying to tell you guys

over the last 15 years I've had people come up to me and ask me about different comedians you know and you have to sit there whether you have agree with them or not go good guy I really like him you know. In the meantime what you want to say

is the guy's a fucking douchebag he called an agent on me one time and, you know, whatever. But you don't because you're a gentleman and you don't want to go into that realm. You know, that's how I was raised. Right, but no one does that anymore. But no, no, they were doing it for a while.

And now, I don't know what's going on now. But, you know, you have to be aware of your surroundings. And what I was trying to say to you guys is this. It used to hurt me when I would say that to people. You know that, right? And say what? Good guy? Yeah, leads a good dude.

even though I just left the comedy club and you did something really bad there two weeks ago even though you tell people you're a Christian. Right. I'm in Toledo, Ohio. I went to Toledo, Ohio as Joey Diaz. You're just a regular at the store. You won't have to act up there like fucking Johnny Bananas

and they told you to knock it the fuck off because that's what happens to a lot of comics. And there's other, you know, because ego is a motherfucker guy. Like I was telling my nephew, you, and my brother George, what kept me always afloat was never forgetting. I rock people.

I would mug a guy on Boulevard East. Like, how can I play fancy for you guys? Right. How can I be DJ Khalid on a boat, you know, with my fat titty shaking? You know, make him believe I own the fucking world. But at least you, like, because when you were talking about... I'm not patting myself on the back about this,

but do you understand why? No, but there's honor amongst thieves. The biggest complaint I've got about myself is, Joey, you live in the past. You know why? Because it makes my future fucking solid. Because now I do know how to act. Right. Now I do know how to act as a gentleman.

Why are we doing this, George? When I was the one that would say, George, get the car. I don't have a license. Who gives a fuck? You know, why are we doing this? But here's it like, when you were talking about like the triple run guys who were jaded, like the thing. Brutal.

Lee brutal. But at least they gave it a shot and went to L.A. Like, there's people at my level. But they left L.A. instead of going, maybe I didn't work hard enough. It was always a blame. And I remember them saying to me, forget about the open mic, not as the improv. Motherfucker, let's drop it right now for you, bitches.

I got to L.A. on a Tuesday. I was on the stage store on a Tuesday on a Monday night. I already did the store three minutes. And by Tuesday morning, because I was the laugh factory. Asked me where I was on Sunday. Sunday night. Where? The motherfucking improv for Latino night. I was like doing 10 minutes with a suit on. The guy wouldn't make me go out without a fucking suit on. I went and got a suit from the first week. Right. And then after three weeks I told him, no, after the next week, I told him to go

fuck himself. That man was a good fucking man. He believed in me. And one night I was on that stage for Latino night. Okay. I don't know if you haven't been to the, you've been on the stage at the improv in L.A. No, I never did that one. The hallway. Well, if you're in the main stage, if you're talking up there, every once in a long, you look up and there's like a, you ever see like a bathroom window. Okay. Little ones that you slide and you open to take a shit.

Right. That's when you take a shit when they have a window. And your stinky assholes are going to circulate in there, and I open up the shower in two weeks, and your shit is still circulating the shower. That's where you never take a shit. You're your fucking young kids. Anyway, what are we saying?

You're on stage of the improv. I'm on stage of the improv, and you know this. that little window. You never think about it. Well, I didn't know this. I'm at the improv for Latino night. Just fucking bombing. And I got out of it,

and I thanked the guy for putting me on stage. He goes, come back next Sunday. Didn't pay me. But as I got to the bar, a white dude tapped me on the shoulder. His first name was Richard. He looked at me and he goes, hey, I'm the talent coordinator here.

Start calling on Mondays for spots. My fucking heart drop. This motherfucker on the road told me I would never get any love in there on a Sunday night. And here I am on the Sunday night. Not only that. So do you understand when I broke all that shit? I was ready to go. Like, this is just bullshit.

This is like, hey, Nick, so you join the Navy? Yeah, I'm joining. I'm going to be first class Navy SEAL. Oh, me and Lee did it. You did he do it. He's a fucking Porsche. Yeah, he'll never do it. Oh, wait until you get to the rail of ducks.

And they drop your valica. And you're like, looking at this guy going, I grew up with this guy. He couldn't even figure out a paper rep. You know what I'm saying? But he's lying to you. Like, wait, you know those guys all the time? Like, I'm in law school now.

What year? Third year. Oh! Wait till you take that test. It's a fucking mind racker. Tell them, boys. Oh, yeah. Almost law.

And you're taking it. You're like, what the fuck for those idiots talking about? Right. What kind of faggots are these guys? Making a big deal about something that you tackle straight ahead. That's how I felt. Yeah. It feels good, like, on a smaller level,

if everyone's like, all the audience sucks tonight, no one's good, and then you go up and have a good set, you're like, oh, shit. Oh, shit. Wiggly, wiggly. And you walk off that set like a motherfucker's motherfucker. You know what I'm saying? My point is that comics weren't supposed to be fighting.

We're supposed to be thieves. All these guys that are fighting, all of them, they all are major money earners. Well, I came from the major money earners. Shut your fucking. amount. You go downstairs and you count your money. Why are you fucking going on? These guys all make money. Yeah. These guys are all the top of the line comedians. I have respect to all of them. I don't give a fuck who went to Rio. I'm a felon. You know what I'm saying? I'm going to judge you for

something. Right. I tried to put a guy in a trunk. I did a thousand fucking ratty things. So I'm going to judge somebody now where they get that money from. You know, I won't even say it. A lot of people think that I sold out when I took one of my sponsors. I don't give a fuck. I got a 12 year old daughter that wants to go to St. John Vietta. That's all I know. When I got into comedy, a wise man once told me, every time you show up for these free gigs in your mind, I know you're bombing, I know it's not worth it.

But think of punching into a job. Think of punching into that job. And at the end of the month, just for your own personal peace of mind, think how many times you punch in. You lose $30 to go to Jersey or do a set. You lose $6 to take a subway. That's the name of the game. But so help me, fucking God.

and you're hearing it from a fucking, you're going to get every dollar back. Don't, I'm going to be a great, famous comedian. Well, they want you to do baby diaper ads. Bring on the diapers. And they want to give you $6 million since you had that kid, Lee. I'm going to be a comic. I want to be a comic.

I don't want to make my bones, okay. Yeah, that's what you got to grab me. Take that $6 million, build the stage in your apartment. Yeah. And have comedy shows every night by yourself. Yeah.

Lee's Comedy Night. All by you. yourself. You're the MC, the host, the dancer, the DJ. You're everything. Every once in a while dropping and help you out. Thank you. But do you understand? At one point, you have to see what that person's going through. I'm sick and tired of that word. Nobody's a fucking sellout. Before people sell out, they pay major fucking dues. Right. All these players, they know they're not worth. They know, they're like, George, they want me to pitch another year. I can't even lob a fucking songboy. They want to give me $18 million.

What do we do? No, let's not take it. Kevin Durand just got $45 million for $90 million over two years. But even, and I know we know, like this is a positive one. If you want to take it out, we can. So the guy who honestly, like I, you, I try to look and see what you're doing. But the guy who I think is like super smart is Daniel Tosh. He doesn't say shit. Shit.

No one ever talks about him. Nothing. He had 18 years of that show. He still tours. And you fucking believe that. And now he has a podcast where he's just goofy, has whoever he wants on. But, like, he never gets in any drama. You never see anything, but he's like, he's a multi.

He's like probably a billionaire at this point. And he always did 44 minutes on a 45 minutes set out of respect. And he hasn't done a special in decades. Doesn't need to. His early specials are great. He has thousands of hours of footage on YouTube and Comedy Central. Right. And I applaud guys.

Listen, there's a lot of guys that, you know, everybody tells you they don't want to be Hollywood, but they are Hollywood. Well, explain Hollywood jokes. if they're making videos to tell you about their week. It keeps the fuck. Like, you're that special. You felt in your head that, hold on. Nikki and Georgie's day isn't going to start until I make a video.

And then I get on there, hey, Nikki, George, how you doing, walking? Yeah, my gumbaz. That's delusion after a while. And that's how you start looking at these people. On Instagram. Right. Right on Instagram, I see people swinging kettlebells.

Listen, I got time for this shit. Oh. I got time. They swing the kettleball. Come on, guy. Right. Everybody's a wrestler. You know.

But even the one thing that I do think is out of control is like the, like the, I'm starting to look at even just any club, but like the ticket prices. The ticket prices that I see for people are like 50 bucks on a Sunday for like, are you crazy? I got a call two weeks ago. I'll send it to you. Okay. What they wanted me to charge. The rinkie, like this club contacted the CA. Listen, we're doing this.

We really want him to do the show. We got an envelope for him, whatever he needs, dancing girls. But I was, that, that's weird. How are they going to pay that? Yeah. 75. Whoa.

Wednesday night. Why would I rape these people for this? No. I'd take him to a theater and get more in there. Lester price. Right. Some people don't even look at that. I do, it's a club.

I want to bang you out for that. I want it to look like a Sinatra venue. He came out with the fucking bowtie and shit. And I'm not going to name the club, but there's been stuff going around the last couple weeks of this one club that's been bouncing checks. Like you always told me to look out for that

and there's one club and someone was like, hey, the show's on, it's off. Oh, and it's actually on again. It's off again. No, no, no, no. That's when you put that person's phone on block. Once they start blitzers, Listen, don't they?

Once a check slips in comedy, guys, and I've been in for a long time, and I've called like three of them. The one was, the best was Chicago, where the nephew came in and bought out the uncle. I'm buying this, and I'm opening up two more. I'm going to open up. When he pitched me to club, I'm like, oh boy, this guy's right out of college. He wanted to turn, he wanted to mix Studio 54 with comedy, with couch,

and lights and videos constantly playing and bitches and he would bring bitches in on Saturday nights, have a party. At the end of the week, I made money because it was a black club. You know how many shows? This is 25 years ago. You know how many shows they'd do on a Sunday there?

Five. What? It was D. Ray Davis. That's how long I know. When time did they start? No. Five in the afternoon. Oh, my God.

If you were in Chicago, they may just stay over and do two. of the shows, they pay you, but the place was back. Damn, before or after they sold it? Or both? No, before they sold it. Okay. That kid turned in, he had like a business degree.

It's so funny. And he looked. And within three months, he had three clubs. And they were booming for about three weeks. They were all in Michigan. Everybody goes to Detroit. I can't invest $2.8 million in the conference. club with you guys in Sayerville.

Do you know what I'm saying? How long are you going to come to the club in Sayerville before you go? I can see the same guy in the city and get a stake at Smith and Walensky. You know what I'm saying? So if we are going to invest in Sayerville, let's just get a garage, put some coffee in there, see how it does, and then we'll make it grow. If we need a liquor license, we'll get down along the way, go by. Right.

But a lot of these clubs, and I've seen them, once the check starts, bouncing, or you hear it, and let me tell you something, there's nobody who cries loud in a comic when it check bounces. Because they were counting on that. Yeah?

They already had that spent. Okay, like anybody else in life, you know? And everybody takes shits in life. Everybody gets shit on and whatever you're starting. But that's one of the things always remember. It's sad. But there's a lot of fucking money in comedy. For some people, there's no, the crazy thing is, and from my point of view, there's money,

there's money, but it doesn't come until the very, like, I'm not anywhere near it. Right now, if the economy is the way it is, you've got to assume comedy clubs, little comedy clubs. I know a club right now, they had two big names. They're not big, big names, but they're both names the last two weeks. He lost money on both of them. Because what the comics cost too much? Or the price of the agent's charge for you.

And listen, I'm guilty of that too. You know, my agent isn't going to fucking score me out. I'm old. I don't have time for this shit. Ask them. Right. If they don't give it to you, don't give it to you. You shake hands and move on.

And by you saying no, it makes you stronger sometimes. And listen. Not doing that. I love comedy clubs and I need them to be there for me. First of all, between ticket sales, food and drinks, I don't know if I necessarily believe that they're not breaking even. But even though, let's say they do lose money. they're making a ton of money when the week before they give me $75 a set

and then they have 80 people in there buying two drinks so they like whenever I see a comedy club fail I'm like how does that even like how do you really fail somebody stealing yeah somebody mismanaged the bar that didn't that didn't fucking you know John Toffer never went in there what's that guy's name? John Taffer something like that yeah and that's what the problem everybody has a business degree everybody read a book everybody knows this everybody My uncle's a chef.

You know, everybody's got something. And everybody does the number one mistake. Don't do it unless you got the money. Just don't do it. I know they're sending you the money from Europe. It's wise guy money. Your uncle robbed the bank in 1982. And it's been buried under a rock.

But for some reason, I got interest. And, you know, it's just stupid shit. Right. That's what you see happens. Somebody had a dream. And somewhere along the line, They just, you know, I hate when people call me for a movie and they're going to pay you $100 and they tell you it's my story.

I option my own book. And you're like, why are we doing this? You want me to jump out of a window for $100 and get glass on me? Would you do that? Yeah, I would. No, you're wrong. Right. This is, I went to acting school.

I don't consider it much. But Jesus Christ, you're not going to give me this money for this. You got to pay me scale and plus. I've seen who's on the cast. It's just common fucking knowledge. Don't drag me into your darkness. Right. If I earn, you earn.

So this is how I like comedy clubs. Let's do this. Lee, I'm bringing you in for four shows. Lee, we used to do six fucking shows here five years ago. I know. We're down to four shows, maybe. Yeah, I know. Maybe, okay?

So what I'm going to do is this. I like you. I'm going to give you 100 a set. Right. If we sell out, I'll give you a little taste. If I get these dirty a night, the comedy club has lost the late night crowd. since the pandemic.

People complain about diners and restaurants and this and that. Guess what else lost it? 9 o'clock comedy shows. That's over with. Your comedy show has to be 7.7.30. That's it. People want to go home, Jack. And guess what?

Me too. I don't blame them. I'm not mad at people for years. Remember New Year's Lee? Tell these fucking animals. Did I have them do New Year's countdown? I used to give away money. 7.30 or 8 o'clock?

Your wholesale bitch. We'd be home by 10 o'clock. Come on. You remember that. 7.30 at the ice house with that dude you guys met. 7.30, New Year's. He'd go, why? Don't you want to do 1030?

Not if you paid me. What do you want? What am I going to make different for you? What am I? Dick Clark, I'm going to go up there. 10, 9. Listen, go home. I'm getting you jazzed up.

If you're a man, this is a perfect idea. Oh, yeah. It's a 730 show. Where are we going to go, honey? The fuck. It's the new year. You're going to drag me out to be rubbing shoulders with foreigners and ice and fuck that. Take me home.

Let's get a gram of J-O. Let's get a gram of pink cocaine. Let's get everything. Yeah. And have a party at home. Yeah. Have a party at home. Yeah.

But if I'm going to keep you out to one now she's tired. I'm so tired. The drinks I had at the bar sitting there was warm in there. No, no, no, no, no. I'm not letting you get to that part, bitches. No. I'm cutting that game off. I'm picking you up at five.

Yeah, that's it. Nobody wants to do a second show. So you've lost, comedy has changed a lot, people. And maybe ticket prices go up for that because it's less shows. I don't know. Well, yeah, but even then, like, even like for like one-nighters, I've seen people charge 40 or 50 bucks a ticket. But it is, it sucks.

I'm so, like, in next month, I'm going to be in Boston with Josh Wolf, but we're doing Thursday, Friday. I haven't done a Thursday, Friday, Saturday in a long, like in a year. Like, it's usually Friday, it's been a lot of Friday Saturdays, and honestly it's been a lot of one-show Friday to Saturday. And I know for a fact that the clubs got lazy and I don't want to take a chance because you and I have discovered something. If you're not doing Thursday night, you've got no momentum for the weekend.

Right. In the car business, they say down payment is where I get you, George. George, I know you can make more than $2.50. I'm going, come on, come on with you. How much can you get me by three o'clock this afternoon? Well, if I call my grandmother, I may be able to get another $2.50. There's always more money. Right.

Okay. And that's why Thursday nights is just the smartest move in comedy. Because if I get 100 tickets, I give away $150. Nobody needs to know. Not even a comic. Right. They input at $150. But even then, honestly, as a comic, I would either, a, much rather make the same amount

of money and have the place full, or instead of having the $30 ticket and having 30 people there, have a $10, $15 ticket and have $80. I would much rather. Let's get to something right now. Do you want the audience that drops their pants? What did I learn at the Bray Improv? I raised my ticket price and also, I started telling the tickets. And in today's market, let me tell you something, put your tickets low.

Watch how people stay away for a few weeks. They think it's a fucking scam. They're so used to paying. Now, I don't want to charge with this guy charges. Right. But you're also at a different level than me. Like, no, no, no, no, not you. I'm even talking when I go out.

Okay. People say to me, you're not doing your prices. Right now, Lee, you're at a tough place in your career. You're at a tough place. Now, I told you a couple weeks ago you need to get into the commercial business. It's time to get an acting agent because comedy is too hard to go through the front door. So you're going to give a shot what I told you. You got to go through the back door.

God forbid you book a movie with Leonida de Caprio. God know. You never know. Who knows? Who the fuck knows? I was walking through a hallway. I just bombed an audition. And I saw a fucking thing for basketball.

And the lady goes, no, I didn't even see it. I was walking by. She goes, you here for the audition? I'm from a Newarker. I'll do whatever you need at this one. Absolutely. I got $3 in my pocket. I owe $100 grand.

What do you need for me to do? She gave me sides. I read them. I went in next thing. I'm fucking on a set with the dudes who created South Park. I didn't even know what South Park was. Right. Okay?

I didn't have no idea. I was never forget. I was living in a hotel room from where I ended up living with my wife in Hollywood for nine years. It was across from that place. We discussed it. And it was a nasty hotel. You could only live in there for three weeks of the shot. And I was on the second floor one day, just in the room like two in the afternoon,

smoking a cigarette. And they're like, does Joey Dears here? Like her parent, Joe. That's me. It was like the Rocky apartment. Like, is there Joey D. is in the building? The phone was in the hallway.

And I came downstairs. And I was my, yeah, I came downstairs. It was my manager. Joey, you got the movie. What movie? What are you talking about? Yeah, you got the movie basketball.

Fantastic. I'm paying $39 to live in this place. And I can only pay three nights of the shot. The fourth night was always, maybe I could go to the store and rob a cell phone. or something like that. Seriously, this is honesty talking to you.

Right. And I walk down those stairs. Pick up that phone. Ken Phillips, God bless the soul, says, you got the movie. He goes, you need to join Sack. $2,500. I'm paying $3,900 a lot for a whole tunnel.

He goes, but they're paying you $5,500 a week for three weeks. That's amazing. Hold on one second. I'm banging my head on the phone. What did you just say? What did you just fucking say? 5500. So I'm shooting every day.

I don't know, Joey. Just wait till I get you there. We're hanging up that phone and just going up to the room and going. So you never fucking know. Yeah. And it's... Okay, you never fucking know right now. And once people saw me in that,

nobody really talked to me with three or four people. And you need three before you get 300. Mm-hmm. And it's... It's nice because I am, like, I've been in New York for a year, and I'm finally starting. There's a few people who are, like, popping up who are finally in my corner. Like, this one guy who's a sweetheart.

He used to be a manager at Rodney's, just got hired as a manager at a club that is, like, my dream club to be in this year. Which one? A New York Comedy Club. He used to run Williamsburg, like, just as he all, he, I'm doing St. Marks with him on Thursday. And that's what happens. Yeah, he's a sweetheart. Now you're going to meet people that were kind of starting out.

You were gentle to them. And every time they grow, you grow a notch. And that's going to be forever now. That guy's going to leave that club and take over a film production company. And some days on a court and go, Lee, I might have a role for you as a plumber. He writes movies, actually, speaking of him. Oh, yeah. Mike's a fucking killer.

These motherfuckers don't know that, man, it's a weird world. But it all starts on that fucking. stage. Don't ever go crazy on me. It all starts on that stage. I don't want people putting words in my mouth. It all starts on that stage. Right. I need to get you in a club to grill it out seven nights a week at 11.15 at night. I'd love it. I don't want you that nine. I don't want you at 10. You have to start earning to move forward. Okay. And that's going to teach you how to grind. when you sit there and watch the two comics before you, one of them meets shit and the other guy

I don't even have a fucking clue. And now before he goes off the stage and brings you up, eight people get up and walk out. That's what you need to learn. What do you mean before you get up? As you're walking on stage, they're fucking... As you're walking on stage, they're pushing you over and get off. That teaches you...

Let me the fuck out. That teaches your balance because right away, I don't want you go to on stage and go, oh, they hate Jews. You know, something like that. Right. That's the education. now for you. Yeah.

Two or three years of that grinding sit where fucking somebody comes in like, I'll find out what time you go up and I know you have a set after and I'll come in right

when you're going up and do a guess what and do 35 minutes to keep you in the back sweat and up the stone. I got a spine up on that. Fuck you. You're losing this 15

and the 15 you were making at that club. Why? Because Big Daddy King came to rumble your world. Because I need to rumble his world. He don't get his world. None of these young comics

get their world rumbled. Yes, we do. And it's a pleasure to do it, and they grow more than anything. It's not about you, it's about them. You got to put them in a bad fucking position. How do you eat on it? When you ate pussy, anybody that coaching you? Never.

You put that monkey in your face and straddled you, and that clits right there like a piece of wanton. You could just bite it straight ahead, or you could go sideways and wear a neck brace like a Jew and heat for a month, you know what I'm saying? You're there, not me. Right. You're there, not me.

You're not going to learn by going up at 9.30 in front of the prime audience. Hey, it's like, no, you're going to learn by fucking going up on stage and you see a guy under the table working his own nutsack and you're like, and you're going to keep your composure. The first time I saw that dog, I didn't know what, like instant composure to fly off the stage and kick him in the mouth. But I don't look at the guy and he's sick. What do you want me to do?

He's up there, torture you. his balls while you're on stage. I haven't had that. I have had a couple make-out during my show, like fucking go at it. Don't know why. You should have joined in and they're a threesome. Oh, I did call him out on it, which was great.

That's where you fucked up. Right there, when people are swapping, spit, you call time out, and you creep while you sleep up to them, you put the phone on. You Instagram it, and you go, hello. And watch him pop up. If he hits you, you get $50,000 from the club and from him. So, you know what I'm saying?

If you're going to be a Jew, be a Jew. That's all I ask. I'm doing what I can. Where are you at this week? This week I got a good week. Tuesday night, I'm at Luxor Lounge. Thursday. I'm at St. Mark's early.

Then with you at the dojo and then the big ones this weekend. Friday, Saturday. I'm at the Philadelphia punchline with Josh Wolf. Oh shit. All my Philly peeps come out there, support Lee. The Eagles won last week and you're happy. You know what I'm saying? With the Eagles win, it's a good town.

When they lose the week before, I don't know, people walk around angry and shit. No, they'll be happy. You're looking at you. You a Met fan, motherfucker. I think the NBA season starts this week. Soon, yeah. Really? It's not the 21st.

They broke my fucking heart. All right, well, I got nothing going on. I got the dojo with these guys on Thursday. Then Halloween week is off. We're going to find some old-do comedy at. Then the following week, November 5th, is sold out at the dress factory. And then we're in Washington, D.C. on the 8th.

What's the name of the place, Hart? MBM National Harbor. Are you kidding me or what? Then we come back to Philadelphia. Don, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, Don, da, De Chino. I love you, motherfucker. Stay black.

Have a great week. Lee, it was always a pleasure seeing you. Good to see you. Look, you had the little retarded hoof up when I looked over at you. I caught you. It was one hoof up. You were right. You were ready to fucking go backwards on me to autism camp, 1970.

I wish I could. All right. I love you guys. Have a great week. Thank you for being here. We'll see you next week. stay black. What's happening, beautiful people? It's Uncle Joey. Halloween is coming. Let me tell you some guys enter the room. Dick first where I come from. Make an impression with Blue Chew.

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