The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - The Joey Diaz State of Mind

Episode Date: May 27, 2025

Joey Diaz tells Lee Syatt how blown away he was by Pee Wee Herman, the steak that reminded him of the old New York City, and Joey tortures Lee about Buccee's! Support the show and get 20% off your first Lucy order with code CHURCH at https://www.lucy.co Relax and get 30% your first Cornbread Hemp order with code CHURCH at https://www.cornbreadhemp.com/church  

What's happening, you beautiful savages? It's Tuesday, May the 27th, happy belated Memorial Day. I'm here with Lee today, no guest, just Acapello. We're going to talk to you about the weekend and a couple of things that popped up. How was your weekend, Tarzan? Dude, it was pretty good. I have to be honest, I saw, I think, the worst movie I've ever seen. I know, you told me, Mission Impossible.

Dude, it was so bad that it was... I'm not a negative person, and I went there. I haven't seen the last, like, five of them. Because I, but I, like, you know what? It's the IMAX. Let's have some fun. Tom, it was so bad that it's now funny. Like, you ever watched, like, you know, like Rocky Horror Picture Show where it's, like,

the worst movie ever, but people go and watch it. Like, this one I might watch again just to see. His biggest stunt was running real fast for, like, five minutes at a time. It was, like, three times in the movie. He just ran real fast with no shirt on. It was, and his face, he must be on so much HGH that it's coming out. His head is huge and they didn't do him any favors because 95% of the movie is close up. Just everyone, not even just him.

Everyone's face is floating around and they didn't, I don't know if it's because it was a Scientology thing or if it, what? They didn't show anybody getting shot or beat up. No, they showed guns firing, not hitting anybody, and then he had one thing where he hit the dude with a hammer, and they panned away and just showed the woman's reaction to the people getting hit with a hammer. They didn't show no violence. It was, and it was three hours long. The worst thing is you sat there like a fucking moot. After an hour, I'm tipped up, McGoo. I'm out of here.

Either go give mama stabbing or go do a set of comedy or something like that. You wasted two hours of your life. You'll never get back. Here's the few of you. You act surprised it's a bad movie. Every movie you go to the theaters is bad movie. You make the worst choices ever. I remember a couple years ago,

Bad Santa came out. God damn it. 20 years later, bad Santa comes out. Bro, he wouldn't leave it alone. And he was trying to double date then. Like, he was trying to be like White Lee, double date. It was like a Mexican comment that you know. It was a big Johnny Wong.

Who fucking double dates, okay? Like two fags. Let's go see it. And the kid canceled. twice or something. Right there, you know. That's a sign from the universe. You're not going to go see that movie. Things have already gone, down the toilet, not once, but twice. Does he go see Bad Santa? Oh, and he went all excited. First of all, the lizard meat on it. The first one was really good. The first one was, you know, so was fucking analyzed that. The first one was really good.

Then I, I wanted to did the second one. Have you seen that? No. There's a reason, okay? At least you got to be honest with yourself. They get you with the first envelope. And here's the sick thing. Like, I didn't hear good stuff about the accountant. Oh, the second one? Yeah. Oh, no. It came and went.

Yeah. Nobody said a fucking word about it. So in my mind, I know that the things I saw on TV were the best parts of the movie. Right. Whatever was in the trailer are the best parts of the movie. And I saw they were too goofy in the trailer. They hated each other in the first movie. And now they're working together, giggling with the FBI agent.

I'm not buying it. Right. I'll wait to go see it. HBO. My point is, it's very seldom. Like, Godfather 2 is a sequel that was fucking like, as soon as Godfather 1

wrapped up, they were like, dog, we got a envelope, you know. And if you ever watch that on Apple, that's how it went down. They decided at the premiere, Godfather 1, that they were going to... Really? That's how they did it? Yeah. You know, it went, you know? Well, that's because... Like Jim Carrey

decides to bring Dumb and Dumber back 80 years later. When he needed money, that sack of shit. But when it was hot, he wanted to do something else. And that gap, you're not bringing that magic back, Lee. Right. No, that, you're 100% right. You're not bringing that magic back.

Didn't they bring that white show back that was the greatest show of all time with the pedophile and fucking you know, Will Arnette and all those people, the comedic actors, and they brought it back a couple years ago. And then the guy got fucking canceled, the old guy on that show

that played the father. Do you mean the Connors? No. That's fucking Roseanne Bar. Right, right. Okay, no. I'm not sure who you're talking. I'm not sure which one you're talking about the white people with Arnett.

God damn it. Oh, Arrested Development. Yes. There we go. They tried to bring it back with those goofy jokes and their fan base shit themselves because they were like, what's going on? Yeah.

You're not going to, plus you have to give them $20 million a piece. Now you're in their fucking head. You've got to do those remakes when the fucking, when they're in their head, you pay them a little bit of money, let them know they're going to be stars. But once you got them apart that long and they all did ventures and they became kind of semi-famous on their own, it's tough to put them back together. But anyway, back to bad movie lead. You know what I'm saying?

Why is it my fault? You just said that you were in the, analyze whatever. Why is it, it's not just my fault. It's not that. Listen, I made a bad choice for rent money and cocaine. Okay, I'm not going to be shy about that. But you had your choice. You had your choice to either.

to go do comedy or go see the stupid fucking movie. No, you went to one set. Saturdays are for five sets. We're losing our discipline here along the way, Lee. I would love to get. I would love to have five shows. You're supposed to be leading me. This is New York City.

There's always a show. To get on? I would love to get on. Always a show to get on. It's Saturday night in New York City. You got no time to go see fucking Mission Impossible until Tom Cruise gives you a million dollars. Then you go see Mission Impossible. Do you follow I'm saying?

You're in New York City. Hang on time to go see the disasters. Yeah. You got no time. Do you want to watch Rich and Impossible after you do your six sets? Then go home and watch it two in the morning. Fucking pay the extra 20 bucks. You know, don't look at the rating.

The rating don't mean shit. These people who go, they get like blind, retarded people to go do these fucking things. You don't look at anything. Right. No, we got an applause break after the movie, which I thought was crazy. Yeah, a bunch of hillbillies.

Standing up, they're visiting New York from one. Arkansas, where the fuck they're from, and they're just happy to be in a movie theater with toilets. You know, I don't fucking know. I don't fucking know. But you're not, you know, I, dude, I'm, and I'm getting, I am doing more, but you're right, I would love to have. Yeah, no, Saturday nights you have no time for the shit.

This is what you do when you, when you, when you fucking cut, they cut your leg off. Well, after you get mugged and you're recovering in the emergency. I give him a catch up on all these movies. Dude, someone's going to whack me in the fucking head? No, they're not. What do you mean? No, they're not. They know, listen, this is a, you know, like when your parents beat you up, that's a control beating.

You're not going to die unless your father's an animal or he smokes meth. You're not going to fucking die, okay? You're going to catch a couple punches to the mid gut. You're going to go down, a few weeks later he buys your new GI Joe, and nobody knows nothing. Write that song. Remember, my name is Luca. I live on the second floor. Is that talking about him getting beat up by his parents?

Some girl got beat up. I don't fucking know. Holy shit, dude. So what? You're saying I'm going to get hit but not that bad? It's a controlled beating. I don't want a controlled beating. They just want to smack you, kick you in your stomach,

take your wallet, take your ID, and leave your money to fuck with your head. And then when you call the cops, but they took my ID. I left my money. That's Joe Diaz mentality. You know what I'm saying? That means that idea is on the way to fuck. in Israel, and in two years there's going to be a hundred little Lysayats

walking around here with mustaches and god-dun's what you used to tell me. One time I let my, when I was dating the Mexican girl, I was dating her cousin came over. I wasn't there. He went away for the weekend and let the girlfriend and a fucking sticky-fingered cousin over there. You know.

You got to assume one of the two's got to have sticky fingers. How do I know? Because I was always that sticky-figured cousin. Yeah, but then he's... Somebody's got to have to have. sticky fingers and that means while she's in the shower somebody's rummage into your stuff you got to assume that's the way people are it's it's nature a lot of people aren't going to stay in your house and not look through a draw you might look through a draw and sniff your vibrator

or whatever you know I go to your house and I find your mother's vibrator I'll sniff it I'll give it a little just a little poke you know what I'm saying like a like a little coke bump like fucking what were vibrators like back then like were they like did you have to like plug him into the wall I don't fucking know. Do I look like a vibrator? Oh, I thought you ran into vibrators before. No, I don't. This is a joke, Lee.

Okay. It's a joke. You think I'm going to be smoking vibrators on the weekend? I think you might have before. Oh, my. But I... Now, vibrators got to be high tech. Like, they got everything on a sprinkler, an alarm.

They'll feed you intravenously. Oh, yeah. They stick acupuncture points in there while they're there. I mean, the fucking acer... You can do a lot of stuff. There's one you can, like, connect to Bluetooth, and it'll sync up with the music you're listening to. I'm not.

Fuck, I'm not even fucking around. The fact that you know this. Oh, I know a lot about this. It's disturbing. I know, because you're a filthy fucking Jew. You love this shit. This is Jew people's stuff. Dude, they have, they have.

God forbid I give you a chubby black chick. That's when you're real Jewish. What do you think I found this out? I know that because once you guys get together with sisters and you lose your fucking mind, it's like a ditty party. Get a Jew. I'm surprised they weren't more Jews at those ditty parties. Other war, that's why they don't want the list to come out.

That's why they don't want the list to come out. Jews don't have that. They maybe one or two little men at West Side Jews, but not high-level echelon-type motherfuckers from the Jewish National Guard. Anyway, I had a fucking dog, all I could say about my weekend was acceptance is a motherfucker. And since we have somebody with political aspirations in this room,

I'm gonna tell you something. I didn't realize till this week. And I always knew this, but I didn't realize it until this. but I didn't realize until this weekend. People over a certain age should not be in politics, especially if they're involved in laws or something like that. It's just, I'm too old-fashioned. Like in my mind, I'm nostalgic, and I'm too old-fashioned.

And if you have one of those, it's bad. If you had both of those, it's even worse. Like, in the back of my mind, I left here. I don't know. I went, and I got in trouble, and I got into comedy and I got married and divorced and I went through a thousand of my own problems but I always held this area like a fucking sanctuary

this for me is like what when you go to Israel and you go to that wall and leave a note Yeah, the Western Wall That's a pretty spot on description The Western Wall For me, this is what this area has always been Whether it's the food, how I stick up for the food

And how I'll live and die for Hutcham County food and New York City food to the state of mind, how it took me to the next level. Like, it wasn't that I was better than anybody. We all put our pants on one leg at a time. But I grasped from good things from bad people growing up. Interesting. And I grabbed things that were going to get me to the next level,

which made them successful criminals or drug dealers or pimps or what the fuck they were for a living. It made them successful. but their stupidity got them caught or whatever. I picked up good things from bad people, you know, and part of those things is being nostalgic and your family and now you treat your friends and all this shit. So I come back here after 35 years, and I'm expecting the same.

And I don't see it in New Jersey as much. I know that New Jersey chains, and I come on the podcast, and when I talk to my friends, I tell them how upset I am at times. But then this weekend I did something that, I want to do something different. My daughter's been into theater lately. You know, fucking whatever the fuck you call it.

When they sing. Yeah, Broadway, when they sing and they fucking musicals. So she was talking about this play, and her and my wife were going to come on a Saturday, and I go, listen, I'm not sitting here alone on Saturday. Why don't we just got a hotel room and go into the city? We don't do shit.

It's not like we go to Hawaii. Hawaii go on a yacht and make-believe on DJ Khalid getting chased by a phone. fucking dude, you know, showing. I'd like to see you pretend to be a DJ Kalimba. Showing people, I eat salmon on a fucking jet. That's not my bag, though. But I go, let me go over there and live how white people live for a weekend.

And I got something up on the Upper West Side. Well, not really. And, you know, I've always, yeah, I'm a Jersey dude, and I love Hudson County. But before this whole party started, while I was falling in love with Hudson County, I was an Upper West Side kid. And I always meant something to me, you know? Those kids up there were dirty, but not fully dirty. Do you know what I'm saying?

Like, they were dirty, but not Jersey dirty. Like, so Saturday I went up there just to walk up the girls with sleep in or something. And I got up early, like an asshole. I didn't bring a jacket to New York City. So I had like a hooded sweatshirt that was thin. I'm thinking it's going to be fucking 80 all weekend. But I said, fuck it. I can't sit in this hotel room.

It's early. I drank some fucking high-powered coffee. and I went across the street, and I didn't roll one joint. I rolled two motherfuckers. And I went to Central Park. It had to be fucking 7, 10 in the morning. How great was that? And I just sparked one number.

And then I sat down, I go, you know what? I'm going to spark another one. And that one took me to where I needed to go. And I just started walking dog. And I fucking made it all the way up to, like, 76th Street. And I was like, and I sat there. I'm like, wow. look at this fucking neighborhood

look how much it changed like look what the fuck it happened to this New York that I thought still fucking existed you know is there anything that looked familiar well yeah the streets are the streets but the people walking them

it was completely fucking different and then I walked back and I did what I did and then that fucking night I did some shit oh the girls went to Chicago They went to the play Chicago And I fucking

I said I got to do something with my life So before they left They went to two players on Saturday So the first thing I did was I got up I went for that walk I went back I was fucking tired I took a goddamn nap And then I got up again

And the girls were like no we're going to take a while I said fuck it So I went to visit my niece's husband He's one of the chefs at Wollinsky At Smith and Wollinski at Smith and Willinsky. Oh, nice. It looked good.

Dog, when I walked in there, whatever I felt about New York City, that still had it. Like, that was still nostalgia to the point where when you order a Coke, they give you one of those small coax with the high oxygen so it tickles your throat and shit. Ooh.

Like a little bottle of it? Bottle ones. Oh, nice. With the fucking thing. Oh, my God. These aren't Mexicans. These are the original ones from Pittsburgh and shit or somewhere, you know? And that was great.

The steak was great. and I said, fuck it, let me take an Uber up to my neighborhood, and it was about five. And I went up to 88th Street dog, and I was blown the fuck away. The first thing I did was I walked to Mr. Martini's house. There was a guy, Mr. Martini sucked my weenie. I used to torture. You remember where he lived?

Yeah, because it's brownstones, you know, so I still remembered. Like, I didn't know if it was one or the other, but I remembered that his face the park, because he would run out this way. The other one faced Broadway. And that's when I started yelling, Mr. Martini, he sucked my weenie, but he didn't come out. I thought by now he had a nephew. That was my uncle.

Holy shit. Your memory is crazy. And I walked up to my grandma school, and they're still redoing that. But the sad thing was they closed that horse ranch. Believe it or not, believe it or not, on 89th Street between Amsterdam and Columbus. The stables. For like the ones that take you around the city? No, for fucking white people that go,

we got so much money, we're just going to have a fucking horse in New York City. Are you serious? Yeah. There were people with horses in the city? Not the people who would. No, I understand what you're saying.

It's just like their horse. These are just people that said, we got so much money. We're going to keep our horse in the city. Every once in a while we'll walk in the Central Park. We'll get ourselves a couple of migrants. We'll walk them down there with the rope, make believe we loved the horse.

Holy shit. And walk them back. I don't know. But we would go. and ask kids and take the horseshoes. They would sell you a horseshoe for like a quarter or something. Sometimes we were just stealing and they chase us out of that. That's done.

My grammar school's getting redone. Whatever building was there, but the corner. I went to the corner and I rubbed my feet really good because that's what the PAL was when I was a kid. That's where I learned about life, my first real fucking touch with American life. And then I just went in front of my building and I could see the people who lived there

and it changed. And then I walked a little bit and then I go, fuck this. I'm past like 6,000 steps. That's it. I fucking took the Uber home. I went back upstairs. I watched something with them

and then they left. Then I went down to smoke another number and I just hung out on the corner of Columbus Circle. And I just watched people for two fucking hours. I was that high. I was like kind of drooling.

For two hours? I just sat down the corner. I didn't eat a fucking thing. I just drank water and the one person said, who would have me? Never. It's the best part. I had a hooded sweatshirt shirt with the hood underneath. My wife got me a windbreaker, a target for 20 bucks.

Oh, shit. Because the other place wanted 1100 for a fucking windbreaker. My wife's like, I ain't splurred you know 11-A-old. No. Looks like you're going to freeze, Chubby. Because it was fucking cold out. But then my wife went to Target and had like a clearance rack. And she found it.

She goes, it might fit, it might not. It fit. She goes for 20 bucks. we took a chance. So I just sat out there, and I looked at the people that lived in New York City now. I'm looking at these people going, they would have never made it here 40 years ago.

Well, yeah. They would have never made it here 40 years ago. So I have a lot of thoughts about this, and a lot of questions. Yes, it was touristy, but I could see the people getting off the train. I saw those people. Another thing I made is that in 10 years, households will be run by women.

Why? Because men are looking weaker and weaker. Ten years ago, I would need an eight ball to talk to a guy into sucking my dick. Today, I don't even need that eight ball no more. I could talk a few of those guys and to just give me a blowjoke. Get in the car, I want to talk to you about something. Really? What do you want to talk about?

Listen, I want to talk to you about some political issues. and the world, you know, and seriously, you can see that these guys, and listen, we come and we go. Guys like me are never going to come back. It was so disturbed, I talked to my wife about it. I'm like, where the end? Guys that are opinionated and a little crazy and curse and, you know, I'm not mildly racist, I'm whatever you call that.

Bigoted. No, I'm not bigoted. I like saying racist stuff to get people going. I'm a comic about it, you know. But at the end of the day, I'm going to buy anybody done it. At the end of the day, I put my hand out to anybody. Right. Regardless to what color they are, you know, I talk shit.

That's what I'm trying to say, you know. That's not going to be allowed. These guys just, you know, it's, it's, it's, I see women get more aggressive. You know, the other night couldn't sleep, but I got up in the middle of the night and you guys are going to laugh at me because this is what I've become. I watched, and Georgia appreciate this, I watched Texas against Clemson

and girls sawpaw. Jesus Christ, you have to see what these women are built like. You gotta see what these women are built like. My wife came on, she goes, what are you doing? I go, I'm trying to read, but this was on, and she goes, you're turning into my father. She goes, I really, really, I'm going to lose my mind.

She goes, I really married my father. All the fire, I go, this is the only thing that's on. I mean, John Wick was on. Enough. How many times when I watched John Wick, you know, that's it. This was interesting. I was still reading the Rodney book over again. Okay.

I took the Rodney book with me. And I'm looking at these girls going, look at this pitcher. And here's the funny thing. The picture was pitching 70 miles an hour. The girl, Emma, she pitches 58. 61 they clocked her at. How old is she? Emma is my daughter's age.

Holy shit. So I'm watching this, going, what the fuck? Look at these girls. And I'm like, these girls are going to beat the fuck out of these boys in 10 years. Dad, one was like a Roberto Clemente type Puerto Rican in the Alphiel? A Puerto Rican chick, she puts a red bandana on. He used to Texas.

The balls, the audacity. You know, you're in Austin, Texas. They don't even know where the Puerto Rican is. This bitch gives zero fucks. I'm Puerto Rican, and I'm putting a bandana on. and I'm wearing number 21 just to fuck you motherfuckers up. And then on the third base is a choppy Mexican girl.

Throwing heat. Throwing heat from third base like Wayne Garrett in 73. I mean, I never saw anything like that. Were you getting into the game? Were you, like, getting pumped up? You know, it was game two, so it went into extra innings. And I'm trying to read this and I'm watching this and all of a sudden, like I'm listening.

And I'm like, this is getting interesting, but I was just, like blown away by what I thought I was going to see and what I ended up seeing. I would never stop with this. But I like, you know, I go to Austin, so I wanted to see if I about to bring my daughter down there. That's cool.

It would be interesting. And you know what? And it's funny because I didn't know about this. I watched one of those 30s for 30s this weekend about Reggie Miller versus the New York Knicks. It's like 15 years old. Like the documentary, but it's about that 95. Him yelling at Spike Lee?

Yeah. Oh, dude, the whole 30 for 30s are fucking. awesome. The best. The best. The best. The reason that made me think, because I didn't know how bad ass Reggie Miller's sister was. They had a whole section of the documentary, but how she was better than him, and he was not, he also worked very hard, but how she would fucking destroy him as a kid. Like she, like, she was the best player in the town. What was the first name again? Cheryl Miller. Cheryl Miller. His best game as a kid in high school, he was like, he got in the car. He's like, I scored 40 points.

And she's like, oh, good for you. And he expected her to have like a bigger reaction. He's like, what about you? She's like, I scored 105. This, she was a fuck, apparently a fucking beast, Cheryl Miller. But it like, it, and it made me think because I watched, they had that whole documentary. And like, the biggest, uh, thing that I saw in it was like Patrick Ewing. Dude, he was a fucking tank.

And I was watching the playoffs this weekend. They're all skinny. Like, the Knicks had a thing that you weren't alive. If they went, if you went down in the lane, you were going to get fouled. And I saw people get fouled by Patrick Ewing. It was like a football hit. It was like Thomas Hines. And now, and I'm the Knicks, I actually like the Knicks,

but why is Carl and the Town taking threes? It just, it was the biggest, like, I think players are getting weaker now in basketball than like every other sport. They're getting bigger and stronger and more. Basketball, it's like they're getting weaker. I disagree with you. You think? Okay.

I went to a few live games. I have two arguments for you. I went to two live games. And both light games, I'm a basketball player. Right. You know, I grew up watching who I thought were the best. And at the same time, as a kid, I used to write letters to all the ACC colleges. And I would ask for their training routines.

Okay. And they would write me back. You know, you sit on the wall. You do 50 foul line sprints. You do a George Mikan drill. And then for weights, they did like curls, bench presses, shoulder presses. It was like a standard bodybuilding routine. They didn't really know where to go with it.

And I did it, you know, and it put some weight on me, whatever. But when I went to see the Celtics against the Sixers in Philadelphia, I focused on two players. one being Maxi who was thin and the other one being Jason Tatum as much as people may not like him or whatever

I was blown the fuck away by what? Now you gotta remember I when I was a kid I was in love with Hudson County basketball primarily Bayonne

St. Anthony's Hudson Catholic and there was somebody else in Jersey City who played, oh, Hoboken. Hoboken had Charles Du Bois and the other two guys and Jackie Galloon. But fucking, I still remember Hoboken led the county and slammed dunks.

Okay, and I still remember him coming up to lefties and I'm going, just slam on me. You know, just to get the feeling. You wanted to get slammed? Yeah, he was six foot three maybe and his partner was six foot three. There was Juice and Bob Du Bois, or both of them, whatever. They're both the same person.

Juice is Bob Du Bois. And then there was another one, Charlie or something like that. One was 6'5, one was 6'3. They led the county and slammed dunks. The strength he had under the basket was superb. And then I go back to a guy by the name of Bernard King, who had a spin move that was, it was perfect. But if he got you with that spin move, the strength and how he did it, how his body moved to the, I don't know where he got that strength from, if he got you, you were going down.

There was just some strong Maurice Lucas, Charles Barkley, Moses Malone, they were just naturally strong people. What's the other kid that plays for, he's still active, he's old, he was in the playoffs this year. East Coast or West Coast? He played for the Lakers for a while, and then they traded them to the Clippers. I went to see whatever team he was playing for when I first moved here. Is it the deal with the spot in his head?

No. George, the power that that man goes to the basket, and I was like, you know, I wasn't on the floor, but I was like in the first up, and I just zeroed on him. How he got the ball, he was a point guard, and he came down, and all of a sudden, And it was like it wasn't a thin shake.

It was a power shake. But back to Jason Tatum and Maxie, the speed that Maxi had was, like I was like, but I got to remember, we're going to make them faster. We're going to make them stronger. When they rebuilt the $6 million man, that was the beginning of it. We're going to make them faster, stronger. And that's what's happened in the last 40 years. Training techniques have gotten stronger. Right.

people know how to train the body, how to recover faster. You know, right now when we were kids and Achilles tendon injury, you were done for two fucking years. The fact that Aaron Rogers came back after fucking eight months is amazing. Oh, yeah. And that's PRP every day. That's cryotherapy. That's a Chinese chick rubbing your leg.

That's fucking constant. And I may have misspoke, but I'm not like, they're obviously an amazing shape. I'm not anyone to talk about anyone being in shape. but I'm talking about like just the size of the it was a much like I like when there's one or two three I've talked about one or two three point shooters

when everyone's say I like when people go down like Indiana does a great job and I actually do like I like heart on the Knicks and whatever the point guard's name is Brunton is it's superb but like seeing fucking Patrick Ewing

and you had to go and go for a layup against Patrick. Like, are you serious? I would be afraid to run at Patrick. And you haven't even seen Moses Malone then. I'm... I was 6'1-2-something, and he did not play.

He never smiled. And they were throwing punches. Look at Moses Malone. He just didn't smile. He went from high school right to the pros. Yeah. And his attitude... He's making millions of dollars.

He looks like he's doing a mugshot. then. This was the 80s. But then, I want you to see something else that you guys don't notice, but I've noticed. I'm sorry that my niece is in the room and she has to hear this. Go get a playboy from the 60s.

Okay. Go get a playboy from the 70s. Go look at women's bodies in the 70s and 60s and get back to me. Go back and watch the top movies of the 70s and watch, look at the actress opposite the lead, whether it was

Ali McGraw or the fucking girl, the mailman rang twice with Jack Nicholson, whatever her name was. Take a look at those. What was the name? Jessica Lang. I'll give you a ten of them. They didn't need fake lips.

They didn't need anything. They just walked on a set and they were electrifying. You know, when you saw Ali McGraw in 1973, and he's smacking her, but she's got this innocent look, and you're like, should I shoot McQueen in the head now, or do I mind my business?

Look how sexy Jessica Lang was. You can't put lips, she had no lips. She had no lips. Look at her. You know, this is a different beauty. But then I'm talking about when you look at naked women in the 70s and Playboy and the 60s, they were different.

They were more voluptuous. The aorta was bigger. The circle was bigger. Everybody's Ariola was bigger. So women's body have changed. We've changed. We've gotten stronger. Look at women.

Look at fucking mobland. Take a look at Alan Merrin. She's 79 years old. When you're 79, you're supposed to be at home praying to Jesus that you're not dying. She's telling the kid last night she's going to eat his fucking eyeball out. You know? But did you read her time interview a couple weeks ago?

She did some of the New York Times. She fucking laid it down. This is what needs to be done when you're in your 70s. This is how I do it. I still drink boo. Look at her. She's fucking beautiful, Helen Merritt. She wears the craziest outfits on this show.

And then she's got another, she's 79, and she's on two hit shows. Who does that? She's on that other show with Harrison Ford. Shooting motherfuckers. Look at her. She's fucking stunning. Yeah, she's beautiful. Shooting motherfuckers.

When you watch that show, Her nails are done fucking to the tea And her toenails when she lays back Her feet, she's got grandma feet She's got grandma feet Her grandma had pretty feet She's 79 But you're 79

It's not how you age anymore It's how you age gracefully And look at her drinking wine She's a fucking savage She's a fucking savage She told Pierce Bronson last night To check his balls and shit She's a fucking savage.

So just to see, Helen Mirren or Diane Sawyer? Both of them. Just me, them too, and massage stuff, and plenty of naps and milk and maybe a shot of stem cell surgery. Oh, my God. But I got to talk to you guys about something that I watched the last couple weeks for anybody

who's into fucking creativity. You know what? I got to go to bathroom. Let's take a break, and then we'll come back and start this segment. All right. We'll be back in two minutes.

We're going to talk to you about a few things. Hey! Uncle Joey here. Listen, Lucy is home. You're like, Joey, who's Lucy? Lucy is the greatest supplier of nicotine products, and she's here to help you with your nicotine fix. For example, Lucy breakers,

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That's cornbreadhemp.com slash church and use code church, C-H-U-R-C-H. Take a chance. You're going to love them. Happy Memorial Day. We're back! Anyway, thank you for, you know, whatever. I don't know what I was going to tell you. Anyway, we're talking about creativity,

and I saw something this weekend that blew me the hell away. I had always known the story. Number one, let's get to the basics of it. I always love to read about how something was built. Don't tell me, don't come up to me and go, well, I'm worth $200,000 million dollars. I got to rock. ship to the moon. That's great. For me, it's how did you even get the 20,000 to start this

fucking idea? And how did it come together? And about a month ago, I realized Dean Delray was on the show, and I asked him when, you know, about the leads up on documentary. And he goes, go on Amazon, and I went home and I watched, and I had to watch it in two parts, because it was overwhelming because this documentary is not about the women and this. It focused on how they put the first and the second arm together. But the most important focus of this was the focus of how four of them came together and what they were independently doing

and what Jimmy Page was doing. Oh, that's cool. Okay, but Jimmy Page was already going Led Zeppelin with the Yardbirds. He was already going Led Zeppelin with the Yardbirds. The other two guys were doing something and fucking John Paul Jones is on his own planet, playing a fucking organ and a bass and fucking,

and all of a sudden they get to, and they become this powerhouse, but you see the steps and you see the evolution from their first live performance to the third to the fourth and your fifth and you go, holy fuck, you know, and yes, it's fate. You know, sometimes it's fate. You think it's interesting? All right. One part of it is fate because all the stars have to align. And if you've ever been involved in anything ever in your life, you know that when you break something down on how you're going to do it, and all of a sudden you get some people on board.

All of a sudden, everything has to be perfect. If one thing goes wrong, it's like my mother used to say. If it sucks in the beginning, it's going to suck all the way through. Okay, so if you go to me, oh, yeah, we had fucking Nick, but Nick wanted $85,000, so we couldn't afford that. That's not what we discussed. Nick had the vision. So now you're going to take $75,000 on Nick

to pay some schmuck that did theater. And now we, everything has to align. How many projects were I involved in that? We're ready to shoot on Monday. And Friday night, you get a call. Like, listen, the investor pulled out. It happens a lot. Jesus. Look, it's happened to me, you know, in 30,

no, I've been acting for whatever, 20 years. It's happened 10 times. Oh, no. But you know when you get the script. I know. You just play this mind fuck Or I didn't because I was serious about it So but when you get a script that's kind of like

It doesn't have universal or MGM Or fucking HBO on it Anything can happen anytime Even with those things Anything can happen anytime So when you watch these things Yes you see things align But these motherfuckers are working towards something

And they didn't even know what they were working towards And then through the fucking You know, he met John Paul Jones. No, yeah, he met John Paul Jones. And then he, because he did Jimmy Page and did the song to Gofinger. That's Jimmy Page, playing the guitar, and John Paul Jones is on the organ,

and some chick is singing. And then they hooked up doing some work on the fucking film. And then, I don't know, they met fucking the singer. And then he brought John Bonham with him. He said, well, I got the drummer for you. You got to go see this fucking Adam. when it was John Bonham. And you watch what they became.

And I thought it was fucking interesting. I'm going to rent it again. I just need two hours of my time. It's $20. So it's a fucking investment. And they might move it off on Amazon. And when it came out, it was on fucking, they put it on those projection screens.

It came out on HD, on fucking, and all it with the sound. Oh, cool. In the movie theater? Yeah, it came up to shit. And it went right to, you know, it was only like limited run, two weeks. That's cool. It sounds like the biography of the band. That's really awesome.

But it was really interesting how you're going for something without even knowing you're going for it. And then, yeah, I'm in the hotel. My wife's reading. The girls were doing, it's like 10.30 at night, and I knew it was last Monday night. I was going through the thing. Nothing was on TV.

Me and my wife were like, what the fucking only watch? And Pee We's Big Adventure was on. Now, that was a big year for me in 1985. I was leaving Jersey, but that winter, that whole pre-winter, I settled in the movie theater. That was my escape to just go to movie theaters and watch as many movies as I could.

George will tell you, I would go to double features. I love movies. That's my fucking world, you know? You smoke a joint, you go to a movie to eat some popcorn, nobody bothers you. Nobody bothers you, especially up in New York City, like those 181st Street movies, I would go to the movies by where you went once in a while,

but that's not entertainment. Those are tame people. Right. What you do is you go in those days, like one day I'd be bored and I go to the white movie theater on 44th Street, but the next day I'd come up a bridge

and I would go to 181st to the black movie theater and watch the exact same movie to see what the reactions were from two different audiences. Like if you went to a black movie theater to watch your movie, sat Friday night, you'd be on the floor laughing because black people don't tolerate that shit.

It's like black people don't like magicians. You ever see a magician, you will not see a black person because they gotta say shit. They gotta say shit. And I quote that, black people don't like magicians. And even do you? No, no, no, but I have personal reasons. I got personal reason because there's a magician who hates me.

But black people generally, if you see a magician, you'll never see a black person with his family going, whoopee. Wow, how did he do that? They'll be like, what the fuck? I see that motherfucking pigeon. My grandfather invented that magic trick and shit.

So, anyway. So, what are we talking about? I don't know. Who figures the fuck. Oh, pee-wee. Pee-wee. So I put it on Monday night and dog, I'm like, in my back.

of my head when I clicked, I go, fuck, I missed the best part of the movie. And do you know that that part was coming on? It's like whenever I see God loves me. You know why God loves me? Because every time I see Goodfellas is on,

whenever I click on to it, it's always the Billy bat scene. When they're in the bar. Buy him a drink, no, you drink on an Irish room. I'm like, fuck. Jesus loves me. I got a time now. If it's on a regular fucking channel, it's 52 minutes If it's on pay TV, it's an hour ten with the commercials.

So if it starts at eight and I see Goodfellas, if it's nine o'clock, boom, Billy Bats is about. Sure enough, it's, you know, oh, you know, always dream the one I love would come along, you know, all that shit. So anyway, back to Peewey Herman here because this is interesting shit. Have you ever watched Peewee's Big Adventure, Nick? No. I don't think so.

Have you ever watched Peewey's Bigger Adventure? I've seen bits and pieces of it, but. George, you know what I'm talking. Okay, there's a scene in Peewey's big adventure where he goes into a biker bar to make a phone call. Okay, look at this motherfucker, right? He goes into a biker bar to make a phone call. And I don't know, they start goofling on him. He answers the guy back weird.

No, no, Danny Trail was in prison, fucking washing dishes at that point in his life. Leave Danny Trail along. he's on the phone and he yells at these poor bastards and they're like, who the fuck is this guy yelling at us? And they go over and they're going to rough him up and all this shit and they fucking, you know, they just threaten them that they're going to fuck him up. Let's kill him.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Let's light him on fire. No, no, no, no, no. Let's beat him up. And all of a sudden, under his voice, he goes, why don't we let him go? And this is like, I'm watching this the first time in a movie theater.

I'm like, why am I going to see Pee We's Big Adventure? When this movie came out, I was like, hi, I had to kill time. The cops were looking for me something that made me go into this movie theater, and I didn't know what to expect. And I went into this movie theater, and it was okay for like the first 20 minutes. I must have been really high. Then this scene comes on when he walks into that bar and he knocks over their motorcycles. After they fucking throw them out, they're going to threaten them.

And they're going to kill him and all this shit. And he goes, one last request. And they go, okay. And he fucking goes up to the Mexican dishwasher and he borrows his white shoes or the platform shoes. And he plays tequila. And he gets up on stage and starts dancing. And let me tell you something, the first time I saw it,

I was 21 years old and I think something came out of every arreface. My ass, I couldn't hold my pee. I was spitting. I was flustering. Look at this. Look at this. This mother, and it's pure comedy, guys. Look when he looks in the ceiling.

Look when he looks in the ceiling. He's beautiful. What? It's fucking the most prettiest thing, and he's geeky, but he's selling it. This is what matters in life. He's fucking selling it. Right here. Look at his little head bouncing up.

That is genius. That is comedy gold without saying a fucking word. look at him then he starts smashing the bottles and shit this is fucking comedy 101 if you want to get into any level of comedy all these will arnettes and these people look at this then he starts doing this shit and i'm lost by that point diarrhea is everywhere okay i got my leg up i don't give two fucks this is gonna sit there and rot because i'm sitting for the next showing like that's how funny this scene was the first time i saw the first time i saw you this fucking scene. And after that, it was like Peewey's Big Adventure 2 and then something else happened. Then he got caught in the bathroom with some kid or something. No, he never got caught.

He never got caught with a kid. He got caught in a movie theater, whacking off. And then in Florida, which in Sarasota, something like that. Where would you go? You know. But this is the take when he fucking, they give him a bicycle. And he takes off with the bicycle and he

goes through the thing and shit. I mean, this movie is very, very, very funny at levels that you look at me and go, Joey, come on, dog, I know you. You wouldn't laugh at this shit. I was dying. So, I see that it's on Monday night when the movie ends. They say, Friday, they're doing a documentary on Pee We Herman. I'm like, fuck, I didn't make a mental no, I did kind of, but who knows what I'm doing with girls softball and Memorial Day and barbecues and shit. This was on, and I was blown away because Look at that poem betrayed by P. Reherman in Sarasota, right.

Anyway, in decent exposure. We all went through one of those at one time in your life. Thank God the camera wasn't on, you know what I'm saying? But somebody's always got Instagram, like that'd be said, I'm watching this shit, and I am fucking, I got tears coming out of my eyes because everything I want to hear, how he was in L.A., he was starving, he was, you know, going from place to place. So you did watch a documentary?

Oh, yeah. He's talking about how he didn't know what to do and he was part of the ground wings. Okay. And then he goes, let me give stand-up a try. He goes, I'm going to do a show where I play a stand-up comedian that's not funny. And dog, he went up there and fucking murdered with little animals and shit.

I was dying, okay? And usually I don't like that. Like the guy who cuts the watermelons and shit, you know, I'm going to leave there with watermelon seed on my neck. I don't need that. So, I'm walking. this thing and he's doing this and then he goes that he wanted to do a stand a comedian to commit to or something and he came up with this character of pee-wey-herman and the people loved it and then he just lived pee-wee-herman like he dove into it

and he became pee-we-herman and this is interesting judge because I don't remember this but you will and we were talking about this a couple weeks ago with Nick also how pee-wee-herman started And then he put Pee Wee's showhouse together. Before the Saturday morning show, he put a little fucking act, and they said, they laughed at them. They said, okay, do it on a Sunday at midnight. Remember we discussed about that? Yeah.

And he goes, I didn't care. This was my only shot, and I was going to do it. And he fucking, Phil Hartman was his writing partner at Ground Links. Just brilliant shit. And two other guys, now they put this together. The mailman, wow. Bill and this and they put characters and the show started at midnight and

people were yelling and all this fucking and he's coming out there but he committed the character with that little fucking suit on Lee come out of your coma. I'm watching. Come on to leave. Planet the Bombadillo Lee's over there looking at that picture like it's Israel he's like fucking what is this. Gaza's catching up

with me anyway. He fucking they just break down the levels of what and it's never you know guys like you see things on TV and you're like, man, I'm not even going to act because I'll never get famous like he will. It's not about being famous. It's about fucking committing to something and going, you know what?

Either I'm going, what's that expression? Either I'm going big or I'm going home. And when you watch somebody break it down to you and he goes, I got sick and tired of my hands being another, my career being other people's hands, he just broke it down. To the level that, it was the same thing I felt. You know, me and Terry were like, Terry, do you remember when I used to bother you? to show me what to do on the computer. Like, I didn't know.

She's the one that's got my MySpace for me, and I didn't know how to do a message or how to put a picture up or my resume. When they're going to put your comedy resume online. I'm fucked. Right. I would get to audition. We never got it.

I thought I sent it. I never sent it. I never sent anything. I didn't even know how to send. Well, dude, that's why I was just listening because I know I've heard of Pee We Harmon, but it just was a little bit, Like, I wasn't the right age.

So, like, I'm blown away that it sounds like there's, like, a lot of, like, a lot of, like, he was really good at. I just assumed it was, like, a stupid. And he started at, he started at, uh... That's like a serious thing. He started at the groundlings. Right. And then it got so big, they moved it to Roxy. Oh, shit.

Okay? This is what I'm saying. It's like, kill Tony. Whether you love them or you don't like them or whatever, red bear. I got a problem with how they picked a contest. Listen, you're missing the fucking patois this. So what? They don't have you on.

Now go create your own fucking debt. What would you do different? If you were killed Tony, what would you fucking do differently? Instead of sitting there and criticizing them, okay, since you know everything, what would you put your life to? What would make you pack up your bags, tell your mom to sell your car, move to L.A.,

because you're that fucking committed to something. And that's what you see with this. motherfucker. But then you start seeing the growth. How he went to the Roxy, then he went somewhere else. And then HBO showed up. And gave him, in the old days, what was that? They had

that show. To get on that show, it was like stand-up something. No, this was a different series they had. Something pop-up, stand-up. They had like a stand-up series once a month. On one channel. HBO, when everything was HBO. Like, when you hit HBO, that's

when you were fucking successful. And I forget the name of the fucking show. Is it a comedy half hour? Something like that. And they gave him one of those, and he fucking blew up. And then he got the movie deal. And it was Phil Hartman and him, and somebody else were writing a movie deal.

And they were writing this idea. Right in this idea. And it just didn't have it. But one day Paul Rubens was sitting there at Peewee and looking on the line and going, where the fuck do people get these bikes? Everybody's going around on bikes.

And it's the truth. When you're on a studio set, you're walking, you're fucking 90 degrees, and there's these people blown by on a bike. And then some guy that works, they'll come by. You're like, what the fuck? What am I? Chop liver?

Right. Give me a fucking bike. If I would have known it was on the other side of the studio, I wish I would have had something, roller skates. Right. But it's the truth. At one point, when you're walking on those lots,

you're like, what the fucking people get these bicycles from? And he said that he made a big stink about it and that the studio gave him that bike, Pee Weirman. Okay. And he went in and go throw away the script. We're going to write it based on this. Right there, dog.

You're in the middle of a deal. They already settled. And now you're switching the idea and you're hoping they're going to love it. You're like, listen, it's not what they paid for, but we're going to give them something 3D. And that movie made a shitload of money. They even put them on the road.

No, before that, they put him on the road, and he was selling out theaters. Fucking selling out theaters, because the networks wanted to make sure he could sell tickets. The same story everybody has. The same fucking story, the same shit everybody has. Even though he had this hot show, he was going to sell, they're like, no, no, no, no. Now we're going to throw a different curb bowl at you. Oh, no, no, no, no. And that was before this.

They called them to audition for signing that live. And he said he walked in there, batting the motherfucker. Everybody knew who Pee Wee Herman was. But when he was in the audition, Gilbert Godfrey walked in. And he realized that him and Gilbert Gottfried were the same type. And that Gilbert Gottfrey was friends with one of the producers' sons or something. And he goes, I knew when I went in front of him, I didn't get it. So I went back to L.A. and recharged my career again.

And that's when the agent said, well, fuck it. Do the show and then take it on the road. Do a stand-up back on the road. And he would basically go out there with the suit and go, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. He'd shoot lizards of people. Oh, he would throw out, uh, p. No, he would throw out tussie rolls. Okay.

And people went fucking nuts if they grabbed it. Because he wanted to make the show like, uh, interactive? Brilliance. He wanted to make the, to make a deal. Oh, okay. When we were kids, let's make a deal. The guy would come out and give you, do you have brown shoes on? Yeah, give you $20.

Hey, you got a big dick, yeah, 20 bucks. He wanted to do the same thing. So when he gave you the chocolate, people weren't crazy. He was getting standing ovations. The same story, everybody. So in the middle of all, he's going to get a deal. They're like, nah, you got to go on the road and sell tickets. So I had to go out and do a 27-city tour.

It was so amazing. They showed the lines and the standing ovation. Then finally, HBO gave them. Somebody went back there. Somebody big went there. It's the same thing. Somebody big went back there. And they said, what's the same thing?

he going back there for? If he's walking back there, we better get our mitts on him. And that leveled their stocked, and they gave him that fucking movie. And did you know this about him before you started, or you just wanted to because he thought a movie was good? A friend of mine that got me into the comedy store, God rest of the soul, Rick Dookerman told me that he was going somewhere one night. And he goes, Bill Rubman, whatever, Paul Rubin's, and I go, Pee Weir Herman, really? And he goes, bro, Peery Herman's a dangerous motherfucker. He goes, that guy's a great writer.

He goes, I've known him for years. Nice guy. Blah, blah, blah. Then, yeah, I remember, like, the first week I got to L.A., George Michael got caught. Like, close to where I was staying in the bathroom in Beverly Hills. Wacking off. Some undercover cop caught him in there.

So, yeah, I don't know. I don't know the whole story. I wasn't there. He was deep undercover. What are they doing? That's when you're deep undercover. You're lurking in bathrooms, I guess. I don't know.

I don't know what happened. And they talk about this and the documentary, but they broke it into something like weird segments how what happened next, you know, it was devastating. They swarmed his house. And they went into his fucking magazine collection and they pulled all this shit

and said that he had pornography in that. And they pulled it all out. And he was gay. So it wasn't pornography. It was like men's magazines from the 60s. guys with bikinis on, posing muscles, you know, muscle and fitness, that type of shit. But in one of the pictures, it was a kid in the cover. And he was like 17 and a half, 17.

So they got him for one count. That they researched everything. They went through every magazine. His whole house didn't find anything. But the new DA said, no, he's got to get charged with this. And he has to be a sex offender for three years and blah, blah, blah. And it took a lot of wind out of his sales. And then he laid down for a couple of years

and why I was telling you, I think before the podcast, I was telling me about a story with Garrett Morris, the guy from Santa Live, he had a club. And why I'm telling you this, because when I was down there, I met a guy and he goes, can I call your agent on Monday?

And whatever year that was, that was the year that poor Rubens was going to do, bring Pee We Herman live back, and they were looking for funny characters. And this guy thought it would work for me, for me to audition for him or whatever. I was pretty fucking excited. At first, I was like, you know, what are you going to do?

But somebody gave a deal to do it in LA Live. Do you know where LA Live is downtown? They wanted you to do. Remember, I did a show there. I did two shows there. I did one with Wheeler Walker. Right, yeah, I went to that one. And then I did it by myself.

And then it was there. or something like that. Well, no, somewhere where it's like a stage. I'm sorry, Lee. It's like a stage. It's like a theater. And I told my agent they're going to call you, and they never called.

So, who the fucking lives, what happened? And that's my Peabree Herman story. But I like that, Lee. And it makes me think about, you know, writing jokes with George in the back of a bedroom with there's no air conditioner. And George just drew the fan out the window. And it makes you think about what you go through

and how everybody thinks that you just, I was talking to my nephew before and he was telling me, I go, you know, all weekend I've been seeing these people, you know, putting up pictures of down the shore. And not one of them, I grew up down the shore. Again, I left for 40 years and came back. but before that about 10 years ago I saw a picture of the short

before Sophia whatever the hurricane was Katrina Sandy Hurricane Sandy before Hurricane Sandy somebody showed me a picture of the beach and I was like there were people on top of people that's not how I remembered it but that's more of my promise

that's why I could never be a politician and that's why I don't believe like Nancy Pelosi and all those old people like that old dude with the long face and the glasses. I'm like, bro, no guy talk to me, bro, you're 80 years old. You're still listening to do-wop music. You're out, you're out.

If I play Biggie Smalls the second album, you have a heart attack. Like, you know, I know that guy. What's matter, Lee? Snap out of it. I'm watching. You're getting sleepy. Look at Lee. I'm doing good.

This is why he's happening again. He leaves here, and he goes back to the mind. the leagues. Then he comes home to pop on Monday and he gets the guys get smacked around. Now he's been staring at that, me with the Japanese. He's over there looking at it. Like it's fucking... I'm trying to know what it says. Yeah, I know, because you can read Japanese. Get the fuck out of here. You're fucked. Yeah, you can read Japanese all of a sudden. Those edibles are pretty good. No shit. That's why we eat them because they're good.

And I think I had like one, two. I think I had like two of them on the way up here. What do you think? How do you think you had an... I'd had two hundred before I even got in the car before I left my house. Jesus Christ. I was feeling good. I was out of the shower. Is that the big an edible? I was out of the shower.

My wife made some chicken cutler, not really chicken cullets, chicken breast on the grill with arugula with hot peppers and a little mozzarella cheese. It all melts together and you burn it. She stole the idea from a restaurant around the corner and had it. Wow. But they gave you too much, you know when people give you too much bread, it was a pizza dough bread. that pizza bread that people think is cute. They also got the best Italian tuna in the business.

That's how I started eating Italian tuna because I don't get the sandwich there, but I go, I don't want bread. I just need a little with tuna. I just need a little slice of white bread, something thin, you know what I'm saying? To sustain the tuna. So you made that with a chicken sandwich?

Huh? Your wife made a chicken sandwich. No, I didn't eat the bread. You fuck? You need the bread at all? Bam, you know what I'm saying? Why eat the fucking bread? Because it's delicious.

It's like tonight I had eight pieces of meat, but one with bread. So you balance out. I got my protein, but then the bread brown side everything. Then the other way I'll get my pickle and I get the vegetable. You don't say? Especially with... Especially with stuff like this, you do have to, like, decide what you want to eat more of. Because, like, if you have...

Let's say you had two or three buns, you wouldn't be able to eat that much. Wait a second. Before we discuss eating, I got to talk to you guys about the review about this fucking Smith and Wazinski. Okay. So I know my appetite has windle. Again, ever since I became a softball dad, everything's going downhill, okay? Now my appetite, I'm down at two fucking meals, guys.

No, what are you not going to me for? I live on the East Coast. I want to be a fat fuck. You know what I'm saying? I want to be able to go eat Cuban food after we do the podcast. I thought it was a good little thing. So what are we talking about?

Do we spend on Mullinski? Oh, so I want to submit to one. Linsky. I only ate breakfast, and it was a light breakfast. A big number for breakfast, but two of the skinniest eggs ever saw in my life. You know, again, I'm used to go on this hotel, no names. Somebody always pays for it when I go down to Texas, and you go there and you get the breakfast special. They give you two eggs on one fucking plate, okay? And the egg yolks look like aorta is from the 70. One of those things again? Ariolas from the 70. They just don't give you two pieces of bacon. They give you a dish covered with bacon. I love that.

And they give you a basket with bread with all the different breads. All of them, multi, rye, fucking granola and fucking white toasted with a jar of melted butter on the side. They give you a protein powder milkshake with like a smoothie, protein smoothie with chia seeds in it. You feel them in your teeth the whole time? You know what I'm saying? And then They give you fresh squeezed orange juice, and they bang out with some coffee. They leave the pot with extra sweetener. That's how you live it up in the moment.

That's a good breakfast. Don't, who would take you think Uncle Joy would take in a bum breakfast to you? Well, it sounds like you went to work. And if I smoked and came up and had the room service, I'd make them send me some fucking oatmeal. Ooh.

And after that, you go down, smoke, and you come back up, pray to God there's a law and order on, one of those ones you've seen 20 times where the guy stabs the cop but not really. That's a good one. That's always a good one. But then what happened with this breakfast?

It was skinny. It was light. It was like for an age victim. Somebody didn't want a big breakfast, you know what I'm saying? That sucks. But then you went to Smith and Willinsky? And then I held down. I went to Smith and Wolinsky and I walked into that motherfucker. Like when I said, I want to give a shout out to my nephew, Joe Lopez. I called my

niece and she goes, he's working. I said, I'm going over there. I took an Uber. Talked to an Indian dude that was interesting. He gave me a tremendous earbeat, and I have no idea what he was saying. But he was funny. He was funny. I worked six hours. I go home. Boom, boom, boom, boom. He was making noises. I'm like, all right, at least, you know, I don't know how to do that shut off. Some rude people, you could shut the driver up. Like, right when you order an Uber, there's a switch. Somebody, somebody

told me, somebody asked me once. I couldn't see and they're like, you want to talk to the guy? Talk about what? And he goes, there's a switch. You could tell the guy to shut the fuck up. No, I'm not rude. You know what I'm saying? I like that, oh. What happens? He gets a gun to his head and he can't say

run? You know, I guess, hmm, that's the dumbest thing in the world. I want to talk to the guy. He ain't got to talk to you anyway. You don't know how to talk English to you. So what we're talking about? So I took an Uber down and I smoked before I went in there. And then I, uh,

I smoked some refie before I went in there. I went up to the bar. I was the only man at the bar. There was some people on the tables. I had an Irish bartender. How you're doing? Very polite. Gentlemen fucking dress.

Bama, boom. Everything was tight on this motherfucker. You know what I'm saying? I sat right in front of it, like, a whiskey thing where they had all the whiskey selections. I don't know what they were. lie to you. I just know they look expensive. You know what I'm saying? Like those whisked, but everything looked good. It was clean. The bottles were clean. I opened up with a fucking

wedge salad. They gave me a wedge, but it was different. They had bacon on it, blue cheese, but then they gave me two fucking tomatoes with two onions on top. Oh, come on dog. If I was known, that's a meal right there. I put pepper on that motherfucker and just started whacking it. I go, let me get a glass of water and a Coke because I was feeling frisky. He goes, no Coke Zero here. This ain't no pussy bar. This is New York City. Either you're in or you're out.

I said, I'm in. He gave me the fucking bottle Coke. Great dude, too. The general manager came over. I said hello to him. I dug into that tomato. They were both fucking those big tomatoes with the onions. Unbelievable.

I ate into the wedge, and I knew. I go, this is not going to be good, Uncle Joy, because I can't finish the fucking steak. But there was a grilled steak on the menu. And then my nephew came out. He goes, what do you want? I go, I want that grilled steak like 12. ounces. He goes, I got a 14 ounce. I go kick it. He goes, how do you want? I go medium well.

I want a little pink, but not really. You know what I'm saying? Like, I can't say it. I can't say what I want to say. But anyway. Anyway, my nephew goes perfect. Now, I was watching the fucking game. I was watching the, uh, I think, no, no, no, no. I think the Mets played the Dodgers the night before and it went into extra inning, so it was Saturday. Maybe I was watching the Yankees against Colorado, because that's right, because the Yankees had lost the night before, even the judge had a home run.

I didn't watch the game. I just read the fucking thing on the little tracker. You know what I'm saying? I ain't got time for that. People are like, look at Joey. He knows about sports. No, I just know how to read the fucking thing. The steak came within like 15 minutes,

and it was fucking beautiful. When it came by me, it smelled. Now, he told me, he goes, we age our own steaks. You know, the whole thing. thing we get dirty day dry whatever the fuck all that means I don't you know listen just give me the steak let me try like the first bite I've been to like the fatty it was perfect I'm not gonna lie to you guys you know what and and you you have to take care of yourself from time to time

because you go out sometimes you're like I'll take the steak and you eat it and you know it was a good steak but they're doing between a good steak and a steak that you go Jesus fucking Christ Jesus fucking Christ like they come with the dessert and you're like, there's no need to. I need a coffee. That's it. Give me a coffee and a bill because we don't need no dessert.

Next time I go on there, I'm going to eat like 800 milligrams. And I'm going to go out there because they have a strawberry shortcake. But it's not the strawberry shortcake we grew up on. The people at the ice cream company with the belt.

Good humor, strawberry shortcake. It's a strawberry shortcake. Find the picture. Strawberry short cake. Oh, like the bar? Huh? Dog, it's the bar, but they give it to you the bar and a cake, and it's gigantic,

and they give you a fucking upside-down cone with vanilla and some sauce on the bottom. Dog, come on. Who you think you're fucking dealing with, Joy Banana? That's it. I signed up as Smith & Willinsky. I'm with them from now on. Some people with the Irish, I'm with the Italians,

some people with the Puerto Ricans. I'm with Smith and Walensky. That's how I'm rolling. I haven't been there. Find the slice of Smith and Wollinsky strawberry shortcake cake. Your fucking leave. Forget about it.

You're Ozempic. It's over. Even the Ozempic will tap out. The Ozmpic will go... Do they do a chocolate one, two? They'll start fucking shooting in your arm. What? Do they do a chocolate one too?

Or just the strawberry shortcake? Why are we going to talk about chocolate? Just take the strawberry for right now and then move on to the other shit, okay? But no. What I wanted to talk to you about besides strawberry fucking shortcake was that... I was talking about this a few episodes ago,

about how people look at things and they go, you know what, it really doesn't matter because that's never going to happen for me. And when I heard it the last time, I was like, you know what, this is what pisses me off about people because I never thought. There it goes.

There you go. Look at it. Look at the Lee. Bam! No, he just had it. Bo, bo, bo, bo, bo, bo, bo, bo, bo, bo, bo, bo, bo, bo, bo, bo, bo, bo, bo. Look at it right there. Oh, my goodness, Lee.

holy shit Lee look at that baby girl how many fucking milligrams would you take Lee you would go in there eat that right off the street you wouldn't even eat the entree I know Lee Lee we're going to eat you know what I'm really many hungry I was going to ask if you were going to do that

I'll take a Coke Pepsi there's exactly what leave in order you know what I'm not really hungry I'm going to have a diet Coke and I'm just going to have the strawberry short cake cake because I'm not really hungry and I'm on a diet. Well, look at that.

That's a six-layer strawberry shortcake with a full scoop of ice cream. That's a meal. That's for three gorillas. But the shame was that one time I could sink that and give it back and go, you know what? I'm debating another one.

When I was three fucking whatever, when I was 400 pounds, I would fucking eat two of those things. Easy. After the fucking 19-ounce steak bread, clam chatter, the bread bowl, mashed potatoes, and not a very,

vegetable around. No, dude, that looks like something like you order one and you eat like half and you're like, let's order another one. Like that looks so good. And that, and that's a, I love eating in New York because like it sounds like the service was really good. Everything was very good. Everything was very good.

Even looking at the salad. How like, how like were the vegetables? Did they look nice? Fresh. The tomato was fucking dev. And they didn't give me, everybody else has been giving me red onion. They gave me a white onion to really flip. I know George is like, I wouldn't eat.

eat that shit anyway. But Judge knows what I'm talking about. That's awesome, too. You know, Lee, honest to God, like, you hear all this shit, listen, yes. There's a lot of stand-ups, and there's a lot of people in the house right now playing the guitar.

And there's a lot of people in their homes right now in a garage playing a flute. And no, it's the truth. Some people trying to get a scholarship. Some people are trying to learn an instrument. and some people are going, you know what? Someday I want to be the next Eddie Van Halen. You know, and you see them, they're kind of confused,

and they're kind of goofy, and they just, you know, and when they just disappear, and then you fucking see them, and they're on TV or they, you know, whatever. And you're like, how the fuck did that happen? And you get it because people committed to something. They put the work in, they didn't let nothing distract them, Like, when you listen to Pee We Talk, he's talking about how, you know, the levels and how he struggled and he was sick and tired of people tell him to do this and to what

and they showed all his movie roles. Like, he was everywhere. And he's like, that wasn't getting me anywhere. That wasn't getting me anywhere. They showed Cheez and Chong because Cheez-N Chong went down to Groundlings and hired him as a bartender. They showed him in a different movie. He was fucking shooting movies, man.

And he was like, and I get it. You just get stuck. You get stuck. I was fucking stuck as fuck. From fucking 98 to 2004. I shot, you know,

80, I don't know, 80. Everything I shot was like a TV show. And I was getting co-stars. I was always like God that said, hey, what are you doing here? I would get shot in the beginning of the show and shit like that. And then I got lucky. with Spider-Man. I got really lucky.

I thought it was just an ordinary scene. I didn't know I was gonna fucking, you know, I just got lucky. And then, out of that role, I got the longest shot, which allowed me to play longer in a movie. That was like a relief for me because I was like, finally,

I didn't get shot in the beginning of the movie. You know, I break my leg at the end, and they cut me out and shit, but at least I'm in the fucking movie. So for me, it was great. So I get it now. one day you wake up and go, for how much longer am I going to be a fucking

co-star? How much longer? What do I need to do to get me out? And he bit into that and I respect that type of shit. I really do. I just saw what he did and then seeing what Led Zeppelin did. How it all came together. That's what's interesting to me. Not when you're on a plane

and you're smoking dope and doing drugs, you know. Those are the stories that have always fucking let me know. You know what? We got a chance of doing this shit. We got a fucking chance of doing this shit. Right. And it's... And it's so...

Because there's so many of them now, especially since podcasts have been going on. Like, we've followed careers of people from all levels. Like, some of them started as headliners and are now doing a re-enacted. And then some people were doing podcasts as features and are now doing, you know, are now headlining across the, and it's just cool. Like, that's actually what it is, it sounds like what we were talking about at the beginning,

that movie that you watched. Like, you can follow a lot of comedians' careers, like the history of it through podcast now. Like, it's like eventually going to be a bunch of documentaries about people. Just thing, like, name your, name a comedian that you can have, a decade of their weekly career updates. It is the same, but it's not the same, late. It is the same, but it's not the same. If you think I could have gone through that struggle,

what did I tell you when we first started the show? Quote me, what I told you, when we first started the show when I said 6 a.m., tell them at home, without me saying a word to you, what was the first thing I said to you? You wanted to do it at 6 a.m. to get to them first with something? I told you that if I was still doing Coke.

Oh, oh, it would never would have worked. It never would have worked. Four weeks then, I would have called him and said he would have been there in the studio. Where's Joey Diaz at? And here I am in Hollywood at the comedy store in some hotel room with a check. Yeah.

So for me, podcasting showed up what it did. Right. Do you follow me? If it were to show up five years earlier, it would never happen. Right, no, no. There's no way I would have spoke about my drug problem at the time

because I thought it would have ended my career, but at the same time, it would have, looking back, if the podcast would have came in 2005 and I showed them how low I was and then quit in 2007 and stuck to it, I'd be Dr. Phil. Yeah. I'd be Dr. Phil right now if you think about it. Oh my God. And there are some people who are that honest on podcast. And I'm not saying like, yeah, obviously, like, there was a lot of luck to make a successful podcast. But if you just look at the, you know, the top 20 comedy podcasts out there, most of them are like getting to be about 10 years old now. And like you have and to say career update was like just a minor part of what you have. For a lot of comedy podcasts, you have, you have like,

It's like a diary of that person for 10 years. It's like it, we don't even realize what we've done. It's like really crazy. I'll tell you what is a diary in this podcast. And you'll never think about it. That's my daughter. Yeah, dude. Because when we started the podcast, we started in her bedroom.

She wasn't around. She was around. Once, my wife's like, I'm pregnant. You guys got to get the fuck out of here. I mean, we got to, bedroom, like when we moved, I was two, it was two, thanksgiving at 2009. We go, you know what, let's get the fuck out of here.

Everything was changing in Hollywood. Fucking, when you got up at night, like when we moved to Hollywood, you'd hear, ah, you know, you'd hear a gunshot every three weeks or something. No, by 2004, it was boom, boom, boom. And we were surrounded. We were right in the,

middle of Hollywood and all these rooftop bars were opening up. Plus these back, everything went outside. So you go pee at 3 in the morning? Oh my God, if my window is open, you walked in the bathroom and it would just fucking boom, boom. It was a small bathroom. So I was down there, so we were like, we've got to get the fuck out of here.

Now, men, if we got my wife calling me, and listen, we just lived in a place for fucking nine years and we barely made $800 a month rent. The only place I found is one bedroom for $1,200, but I found a place on a street called Comston by a horse table or something for $1,350. She goes, Joey, if we get this, it's going to be a big commitment.

Think about it for two days. What do you want to do? And I'm like, you know what? I got to put my big boy pants on. I can't store coke. But that time I was two or three years clean already, I was three years clean. I'm like, let's put our big boy pants on.

And we got a two-bedroom look because at the time, I didn't know what was going to happen. I didn't know if your older daughter was going to come out to California and play softball. I didn't know if Mike Runny's daughter was thinking of going to go to USC or some shit,

Lisa Messina's, some... I had like four moms who call on me going, hey, I'm going to talk to you about something. My daughter just got accepted to UC Berkeley how far is that from you? I don't fucking know. It's in Berkeley. I don't know.

So I got the extra bedroom thinking somebody was going to move in. In the back of my head, I'm like, this is my turn to help somebody the way somebody helped me when I was growing up. Somebody's going to call me and go, Joey, my daughter's going to school out there and she's going to live an hour from here.

Just to be sure, can she stay in your bedroom? Absolutely. But the whole podcast, popped up. We get the fucking podcast room with just getting started. Also my wife gets knocked up fucking two months later. And she's like, you could say like another month, but then you got to go because I got to clean this room and sanitize it. You and this fucking Jew in here telling you disgusting stories. I know we started the podcast and that thing and we brought my old podcast host in. Remember when she came in one morning? I'm not coming

and take pictures. And she came in and the content, we were talking about on that podcast and the content we were talking about now and that my daughter's future bedroom was two different worlds. That poor lady, when it got up, she called me later, she goes, that was very interesting.

I go, fuck, yeah, that's what a podcast is. A motherfucker throwing his fucking heart out letting people know that I fucked up. What do you want from me? They sit in my bedrooms with the fucking curtains drawn. I got to get out of here. I made mistakes or what?

and that's the same thing Pee Wee Herman did. He got, he didn't make a mistake. They nailed them, and then once you come out in Hollywood, like, listen, I could tell somebody that, hey, Lee plays with four-year-old boys. Jesus Christ. How will we not say that? We'll scratch that, but, yeah. Lee plays with eight-year-old boys.

Oh, thank you. Oh, God, Lord. Me saying that and somebody saying that we broke into Lee's house with a warrant looking for child, pedophile material, that's two different things. That means every endorsement, everything. You go home and there's one last check, and you're lucky you got that.

It's like, don't call us, cast a check, have your mother cast a check for us. We're too embarrassed. You know what I'm saying? Like, that's it. You lose everything. Everything goes out the fucking window. And that's what happened then.

And then it took years to overturn whatever happened, and then he started doing this thing again. But it was interesting, and I'm not going to spoil the beans here. Watch a documentary, see what you get out of it. He was very honest, he was very real, and man, he touched me. Like it was like, not like fucking, you know, but he touched me in the sense that he told the struggle and how it's supposed to be.

It just didn't happen. Can you imagine Sinaii Live calling you and going Lee? This was Saturday Night Live. Was Sinai Live? Right. Again, for the cheap sheets. Tell them, George.

In like the 80s? Yeah. It was like the height of it. It was you and Laurence Taylor. Right? It was Sinaii Live and Lawrence Taylor. After Slite Live, After Santa Ana Live, they have that little party,

and then those kids go into the village, they just walk around like Brad Pitt naked. College students come up to sucking that yum-yum stick and the girls. You know, it's insane. And the same thing went like Lawrence Taylor. That's how big their personalities. Right.

You know. And at that time, it was a television every Saturday. That generation was home, watched the Sine Out Live. He was doing all this work in L.A. and he comes to New York and he fucking, you've been to fucking things where you showcased? Now, those are little things.

Can you imagine the magnitude of you're going into something thinking, finally, me and my girlfriend could get out of that one bedroom basement and live like normal people. Think how much pressure that does to your psyche when you go in there. And do you know, did he say if he saw Gilbert before or after he auditioned? He saw him at the audition when he walked in. Hey, listen. I'm not going to sit here and tell you how many times.

I can't even remember. But how many times did I at all? How many times anybody in this room or anybody who's listening to this podcast going to a tryout for a team or a fucking job interview where they're like, you got this. Your uncle's sending you in there. Yeah, he knows the guy that drives the truck. His cousin is married to the sister.

You're like, you know, and you go somewhere, and all of a sudden there's a fucking, it's a wild reckoning for you. You went in there thinking, I got this, and also, I made trials. Did you go out as a kid thinking, I got this? And all of a sudden, some kid from Edison in Union City with a fake birth certificate comes up,

and he's jumping over you. Next thing you know, you see his family drive up with his wife and the kids. He's fucking 16 with a family and shit. Meanwhile, he's playing bitty basketball, slam dunking backwards and shit. You know, that always happened as a kid where you thought you had a position.

You thought you had something at the last minute. They throw somebody else in. If you're in a career, get ready for that. Where you think you got it licked. They already took you out the dinner. They signed the contract. You ever see the Green Book? It's been on a long lately.

You ever see the movie The Green Book? Yeah, of course. The guy who they take his hat. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The gangster. The gangster, they take his hat. The user the green book? No.

They take that guy's hat. That guy was the original Don Johnson. They signed him on a Monday. Don Johnson came in on a Friday. They had already given him $750,000. Once they found Don Johnson, they said, Keep it. Oh, no.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll call you. And that's what happened. happens sometimes. He had the job on Monday. You don't have the job until you have the job. Shane Gillis had the job on Tuesday morning. And on Wednesday some Chinese kids sends a telegram and now you're done. You know what I'm saying? It's you on the phone, ordering Chinese food. And the kid sends a telegram and tapes you. That happens to everybody. And it's not how it happens or what happened

is how you handle that fucking obstacle sometimes. And Pee, we handled it. You know, Led Zeppelin got hit with drugs and God knows what else. Staminia juice, hepatitis. They were onto a different level of sex drugs and rockering. And nine albums, there's people today who can't keep to stay together for three albums.

And not just, and Led Zeppelin really did 10 ounce. I don't count code, By that time, I was off the reservation. But nine alms. Tell me about a band today who's got nine fucking alms. Four different personalities that are fucking stronger than debt. Right.

And that's what I like to see. That's why comedy is so much easier than music. Because I got to deal with four you, motherfuckers. You might come in and go, I don't really like my guitar work on that. What do you mean? We already laid the album down. Yeah, I want to play a violin and blow a sparklet of my ass.

the same time to get the full effect. Okay, now I've got to deal with this fucking help. When I do comedy, I'm the Captain Kirk of the Enterprise. That's why comedy's so strong, because I make the decision, I'm the fucking man in charge. I'm the producer, the director, and you got all these people going, I'm a director, I'm a producer, you haven't done dick. Shut the fuck up.

You haven't done dick until you become a stand-up comedian at all levels. You're a producer, you're a writer, you're a director, you're an arranger, a promoter? Are these people going to get in? What are you going to do? What are you going to pay? You're going to hire a publicist for $8,000 a month? Yeah, good luck, bitch.

Good luck. So what are you going to do? You got to go out on the streets and pass out flyers when you believe that much in yourself. But it's 2025. You don't have to go out there and pass out flyers and be a politician. There's the internet.

And there's different ways. There's a thousand different platforms. So what the fuck are we talking about you. Let's take another edible and call it a night. Happy Memorial Day, you fucking savages. It's going to be a great week here. Lees and Pluto again, as you could tell.

I'm doing fun. Because every fucking week he goes off. And he plays... He plays... Look at him. He knows. No, no. He goes, I did some... I called him Saturday morning. Oh, yeah? Or no, Sunday morning. He sounded like

Medusa. What's the matter? Lee. and we did the medables and went to see Mission Impossible. How many milligrams did you do, Lee? 50. No, I didn't. I did not do 50. I did, I think, 200.

No, you did not. But not, not the ABXs. Not, not, not. You did that other Tamiki. No, you didn't do no ABXs. And the sad thing is, you have ABXs. I can't walk around. Do you understand, ladies and gentlemen, don't just think I write them for no, no, no, no reason.

Here's a guy that goes to, He goes to the dispensurances. in New York where it's a bunch of kids. You ever see those kids? It's like the kids who wait in line for pizza and they're smoking a vapor pen and one takes three hits. You're crazy! Oh my God!

Oh my God, you took three hits! It's going to happen to you. What are you talking about? I just ate a cockroach before I got here. You know what I'm saying? No. When you're out of here, you got a train. I can't Uber everywhere.

I can't Uber everywhere. Listen, if I took 200 of ABX, I'm not walking anywhere. You're going to a fucking movie theater. Okay, it's an Uber to the movie theater, up the fucking escalator. To your chair. You send your wife to get the fucking popcorn. You sit down. Okay?

Tell me the Uber. Tell me what bullshit you're encountering. Okay? You have to have a whole life. The movie finishes. The two hundred's last eight days. So now you're telling me, you ate a bogus 200. I didn't eat a bogus.

You ate a fucking Fugazi 200. You ate a Fagas. A medical. A medical. What medical? What doctor gave it to? Let me see the doctor's name. I can find it. You bought it and some guy on the west side.

Again, some guy eats five milligrams and he had to go to therapy. It opened up my ways. My chakras will never be the same again. No, you got a five. You want to, listen, you got to sharpen metal with metal. And this is why you go through this every Monday. It's this breakdown. I'm not going to.

Who's going through a breakdown? I'm doing fine. I do get really fucked up. I caught you staring at the Japanese thing. Four fucking times. You thought Godzilla was over my shoulder. I had to look over like, what the fuck is going on with this dunce?

You never know where he's going to pop up. And he was petrified. Look at that Godzilla. I'm like, and now I just caught you nodding. You were sleeping before. I was not sleeping. You were doing something. I saw drool on your beard.

Oh. I don't know. I don't know, ladies and gentlemen. This is why you people get mad at me. me, but you don't know what I live with. Then he shows a period Monday. I just show. And he's got 100 milligrams at the house.

Yeah, but I can't take those every day. They're very good. They're too good. But then you can't come here and be like, you know. What am I doing? I'm not foaming at the mouth. You're foaming at the mouth. No, I'm not.

You're foaming. You're like one of those autistic kids in Jersey. You're all fucked up. I am in Jersey. It's like I'm in a hot dog stand in New Jersey. with that kid with the whistle. I wish I had a whistle. I would blow that whistle all the goddamn time.

You're fucking 40 years old with a Mickey Mouse shirt. What the fuck is that shit? Lose the fucking. No more fucking insignia. What is that shit? It's Buckees. All my Texas people will show up. Bucky who?

What's Bucky? It's a gas station. What's next? What? Save that shirt. Take that shirt with you all. orange sneakers and fucking just put them in the Austin thing. And you can be like Bert Kreischer.

Every time you go into a different town, you bring up the cowboy hat. Next time you get a vest with the bucky. You say they got to live with, ladies and gentlemen. And I'm not being disrespectful to fucking. I'm not being disrespectful. I'm not being disrespectful in Texas. Look at this fucking guy. He's a grown man.

A lot of people are Bucky shirt. Bucky fucking shirt on. Dude, you can buy a Buckees everything. He lives in New York. He wants to know why he's going to get mugged. Right there. Right there. Would you mug this?

I'm more likely to get a hoagged. If you saw this fucking mobo come off a train, look around with a bucky shirt on, wouldn't you kick him in the stomach one time? That people everyone love Buckees. You don't even know. I know people from Texas love Bucky. Yeah.

They want to know why? Because it's fucking awesome. Don't disrespect Buckees. I understand, but a black dude with hunger and food stamps doesn't know about Bucky. Yes, they do. He sees that shirt and he goes, look at this fucking pigeon right here.

I guarantee that guy has a fucking shirt. He's got to have 50 fucking bucks. He just came from a Bucky Festival. I'm going to kick him in his Bucky, and I'm going to take everything he's got this fucking half a fruitcake. Lose that shirt, please. You're a grown man.

I like this. I'm going to get 13 of these things. You can sell 18 tickets. I'm only wearing Bucky Surchase. You can take a picture in Texas eating barbecue. That's how you sell tickets. But for you to wear that shirt in fucking Jersey when you live in New York City,

you're going to get the shit kicked out of you. Why? Why do you think every night that? pray every night I got my hands and knees. Before I put my sleep apnea mask on, I get on my hands and knees and go, God, tonight, please don't let my phone ring. Don't let my phone ring when Lee getting kicked. Because somebody's in a, even a Hasidic Jew, even one of those who seeds, when things get bad, before they move to Jackson, New Jersey and they're going to get away, they're going

to kick you in the fucking stomach and take something from me. And that shirt is a giveaway. So knock at all. That's what I'm talking about. Men don't wear those shirts. It's a man's shirt. What are you talking about? When you're in Texas. Men don't wear that shirt, especially in New York City, you know, especially where you go to do comedy.

You're going to get beat up with. What do you have these rules? Dude, this is a whole new brand of rules. What do you? I can only wear a certain. Rules. Dude, they have Buckees in Florida. They have Buckees everywhere now.

I understand, Lee, but you're a grown man. You live in Harlem. Who cares? Okay, there's no Buckees in Harlem. Got, got. Hey, nephew number one. Go ahead. Google Bucky's in Harlem.

All right? This is what I'm talking about. They ain't no Buckees in fucking Harlem, Liso. Please, why are you offending me? Who's offending you? This is the shit that worries me in there. This is the shit that, look what you get for Buckees? Those two.

What does that mean? Somebody's getting fucked and oh. Somebody's getting fucked and oh, cool, oh. Look at them. Look at them. He didn't smell, right? He's in Buckeyes. Look at these beauties.

Let's Buck and Buchanan. Look at this beauty. There you go. That's your buddy. B-C-C-E-E-S. Seymour. Look at this, poor bastard. On Instagram, jumping up and down.

All right, Bucky. There's what I'm talking about, ladies and gentlemen. I'm just trying to raise my fucking... You're just the closest thing I have to a son. And he's got a Bucky fucking shirt on, okay? This is not what... You might as well put a fucking Boston Red Sox shirt on and walk around New York City.

Why don't want to get killed? Okay, then what's the difference? Bucky, Boston Red Sox shirt on. They both start with a B, okay? What? What? Yeah, what, Cox, the fact that the Bucke's gas station's chain

and Boston, most actually, listen, enough, enough. You can't get me a wildup and then say, no. I don't get you a wildup, all right. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Hey, have another time. No, I, I, this is the light one. This is 50.

No, it's not. I've already hit eight of them. I'm good on edibles. Oh, I'll have, There's Bucky, but he ain't in the fucking Bronx. He's in Iowa. He's in Texas. He's in Richmond, Virginia at a gas station.

He's in St. Augustine, Florida. Nowhere does it say the boogie down motherfucker Bronx or nowhere does it say close to Cairo's house around Dominican people. Okay? Because they would stab you 18 fucking times, Bucky. No disrespect to Bucky or Texas. I got to toughen this kid up. He's walking around with these black jails.

you killer sneakers and fucking a Bucky's shirt on. It's not going to work out for him, all right? Anyway, where are you going to be this weekend, Tarzan? This weekend, I'm going to be in Virginia with the hospital. That's where you're going to be. Fucking Sing Sing, with a Bucky's fucking cast on your own. Look at it looks like Lee, Bucky.

Look at Bucky right there. Where are you going to be at this weekend, Mike? I'll be in Virginia with Josh Wolf. When are you go? Friday and Saturday. Uh-oh, you're doing Mushroom Friday? Sure, absolutely. He's going to give them with those hemophiliac mushrooms.

Absolutely. Yeah, eat them with honey because they're not bad, but by the time you get in the back next week, the shipping is on the way. You understand me? This ain't coming from California. I got a migrant with a backpack bringing me a bag on ice. You love those.

These are good. I tell you that thing in my ear. So last week I went to doctor again, says to me a tremendous story. He goes, Joey, I don't really want to do surgery. I want this thing to fall. on itself he goes I ordered this special stuff it's like a cement it's gonna lock in your ear and then we'll go out in a different direction he puts it on I don't look at it he puts a band-a-on

I fucking take the band-aid off it's this big white thing on my ear right and I'm like oh about day one you know me I love my showers for two days everything was beautiful I went I did that whatever the fuck and I shot got home and I can't leave the house like this. Let me wash one more time. I took a shower and I had this shampoo in my head. I look at the floor and I go, holy shit, my fungi toenail fell off by itself.

Well, what did you? Did you just see him, ladies and gentlemen? He was all zambowed up. He was all zambowed up. Did you see him? Anyway. Which one fell off? The fungi one, the right one.

I started looking for the blood, but there was no blood. I looked closer. I look closer. My fungi toenail is still on. It was the fucking stitch from my ear. It looked like a fungi tonal. It just fell off, and there was just a little root in there. So anyway, nothing happened, all right?

Just letting you people know what's going on with my ear. If you even give a Frenchman's fuck. I don't at this point. So where are you going to be, Richmond, Virginia? Richmond and Virginia Beach. I know. Friday and said, what about Thursday? Where are you at?

I'm at Fear City Comedy Club at 8 o'clock. Where's that? Lower East Side. Okay, there you go. Tell the people that. They want to see you. What about Wednesday, then? Wednesday I don't have anything right now

Westfield City Comedy Club On the Lower East Side It's a fun club I do mics there a lot And then this shows On 8 o'clock Thursday night There you go you have it Me I got dick this weekend

Next weekend Next something What are the dates talking to the dojo Next Thursday's June I'm at the dojo on the 5th No, no, no, no. It's the 27th, the Thursday of 27th, and then two Thursdays before that.

So there's one Thursday and then me. The 12th. June 12th, I'm at the dojo, along with the dates on the 27th, pre-warm-up for fucking NJ. Pact. So everybody gets their shit together. Nah, this is NJ, this is whatever, it's 30 bucks. We'll get a fucking rat pack down there. And that's it.

I love you, Cocksuckuckers. Thank you. for watching. Hope you watch the documentary. Hope you watch Led Zeppelin and hope you see what the fuck I'm talking about. And hopefully this guy will start training again like a soldier, you know what I'm saying? I love you guys.

Stay black. Have a great week.