The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - The King of Stink Bombs

Episode Date: July 2, 2024

Joey Diaz tells Lee Syatt about his love for stink bombs, one of his childhood friend getting knocked out at a concert this weekend, the thing he misses most about stand up and much more! The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz

You know, I'm watching this thing the night. I'm going to get a lot of heat for this. But I'm watching this presidential debate. As a fucking goof. Right. Like, I knew it was going to be fucking hilarious. I wasn't going to miss this because, you know, I ate a couple of mushrooms.

And I was fucking gone. And I'm sitting there going, wow, this is deep. But my wife asked me, what did you think afterward? And I go, this is what I fucking think. And no disrespect. anybody. Biden's old, you know, I don't even know

who's a good or a bad president anymore. I just keep pushing. You know what I'm saying? He's just the guy that stands on the corner. Right. Fucking Chinese people for me. You know? And then you got the other guy, Trump, who I like. But let me tell you the point

in our lives that we're at, guys. You're looking at that. It's really sad that Americans in this day and age have to make a decision between these two guys and at the end, at the end of the day, the guys are felon.

Again, I'm not saying nothing bad about them, but that's what we have to make a decision based on. As Americans right now, we're getting like the fucking worst, whatever, you know, and nobody else is popping their head up. Nobody else would have control. Again, politics means nothing to me.

Right. Because most, people still got to get up and take the train to New York City for $35 one round trip. $35 fucking. After all last week with the fucking the heat, they canceled all those trains. They raised the prices today. The American? Yes, they did.

The 1750 each way. Do you? No. I don't take the fucking train at the Penn Station. But the type of guy I am, I'm thinking about the guy who has to work. work day every fucking day. You're losing $1.50 a week, at least, just to get into work.

Right. 35, 70, 70, and 70 is 150. So you got 175. That's $700 a month. Just to commute. Before you fucking eat a sandwich, before you got a fucking $8 coffee. You know, so these are the things I look at.

All right. And, you know, then what I also have to, concerts. Right now the prestige of the concert world the tickets are ticking down. People like, holy shit. Last summer I did 800, this summer, I'm doing four. Like, that's

the reality of it, you know? But half of these bands don't belong on the road anyway. It's mediocrity. So we're accepting mediocrity at all levels. From the presidency, all the way down

to fucking tick You know, it's, it's, we are a country that we lowered our standards. And that's not good. We're America, baby. We're America, baby. We're a fucking, you know, we push people around. We sling dick. And not even that.

We're cutting edge, you know, not any more. Not any fucking more, you know. And, you know, people say that we're getting laughed at around the world. Listen, something's got to change. something's got to give. I hope it gives before this becomes something ugly, you know, but just the fact that fucking, there was a felon on the presidential stage.

Right. But even, like, take both of them off the, like, I'm 35. I don't know if I've seen, like, one politician that, like, I actually, like, my entire, like, is there one? I don't think, I think all of them are liars. I think they all use it for their personal gain, which I get. But, like, it's, they're going up there.

Like, what they say means anything. Like, it, it doesn't mean anything. They're just trying to win, and then whatever they want to do when they get in there is what they do. I feel worse for the musicians, because, like, they, they at least, that's how they make their money, right, on the road. Like, they don't make any money if they don't go on the road. So I get, I get that. Well, some of these bands weren't putting nothing out anyway. Right.

The other skin is out for the 18 time, the tour, another farewell tour, and the brothers have been dead for fucking 34 years or something since my mother died in 79. I mean, you know, we have, as a country, we have, it's mediocrity. It's mediocrity. We don't even go for the good anymore. It's mediocrity. I've been in Jersey here four fucking years. You know me.

I'm a fat fuck, God. I love to look of food. food and you know me even the food like if i don't go to my restaurants or my good little haunts the food is all the same and it tastes the fucking same and people will tell you this is the best yes i had my daughter's fucking triple header there was like a two-hour wait so i said let me go to a weed store get refueled the last game and my wife called me she goes i'm going to a pizza place around the corner i went over there and the pizza the best pizza in town,

go give me a sausage parn. Today is a cheap day for me. I fucking took three bites and threw it away. No. Bread was awful. The sausage, nobody has a spicy Italian, like flavor anymore.

It tastes like fucking Jones's little sausage links with mozzarella cheese on it. And the guy cut the sausage. Okay. It looked like kilbasa. I'm like, now. Especially if you're high, and then you get in any of you still don't like it when you're hot because i'll eat anything when i'm high no i won't eat it i threw it away and fucking ate corn nuts oh it's how pissed off i was i ate

when i got home and shit i don't blit it's funny i did a uh what is it called when you raise money for like a show uh whatever it's called like we're raising money for a fundraiser for a softball thing last night and i was try i've been trying to like add lip some stuff so i just made some jokes about taking edibles, like taking edibles out of softball game and getting, like, they all bring their cups and they get drunk. It blows my mind, like, how, like, those games, those sporting events, the parents get fucked up. Like, you're by far, like, you're not, you're probably the most sober one there at most

of these events. Well, I'll tell you what. The first three years we played, it was a lot of fun. I never drank. But the people would drink. Mm-hmm. Between me and you was a little. much for me.

Yeah. In my business, I do fucking mushrooms and reef. I can't judge somebody because they drink. But it was a couple times. I dosed a couple parents. One time a parent couldn't fucking get up. We had to walk them to the car. But we played them this year.

And I couldn't believe how whack they were. And from what I'm hearing, they're whacked every time they play. The coaches, the assistants. really the coaches too damn and they got mad at me the old team got mad at me for smoking dope at a game

in my car fucking a half a mile away from the stadium it wasn't my fault the wind was blowing what am I a fucking sailor I don't know like nautical not Joe

I don't fucking know about this shit and like a kid's game is like you kind of have to be high all you're going to do is sit there and cheer anyways and like stare

when people like parents get into fights when they're drunk, they start yelling, you're never going to do that high. Like, a kid's game is almost, you kind of have to take an edible sometimes.

I've witnessed two fights, and I didn't even get up off my chair. Really? What were they fighting about? One day the coach from another team said something, and it was kind of, you could have taken it both ways. I didn't take it the wrong way,

but the girl's parent did. And they started yelling at each other from the, fences and people were pulled and people were held. And then in a tournament last year, one of the moms got drunk and went over to the other side, started yelling. I'm like, she's going to get beat up. That's got nothing to do with me.

Domestic violence is going to be big here today because this is New Jersey. You start drinking at one of our softball games. A wife punches another wife. A husband gets involved. That's like fucking not for me. I don't even want to be in the footage. No. Let me tell you what happened.

So Saturday. I had three fucking games. Okay. I had a party of five. I got home like at 4.30. I'm like, I'm not going anywhere. I got to take a shout out. And I got to fucking relax for a while.

It was one of those days you're out in the sun. You walk a mile to get your car. Then you got to bring equipment back. Then you forgot your fucking lighter. You know, I'm wiped. It was like 6,000 steps. And I didn't even exercise. It was just walking to the fucking car and back.

I get home. I take a little nap. for like 45 minutes, I get up, and my buddy's playing at 7 o'clock, about 45 minutes away. Now, I know, a mosquito bit me. Ah, damn. Right behind the fucking neck. Jesus Christ, that cocksucker.

These Jersey mosquitoes, they bite you in the weirdest places. They don't bite you in the arm. They don't bite you on the toe. Don't bite you on the heel. Fucking Jersey mosquitoes, the cock suckers, dirty cocksucker. So, you know, it was starting at 7, I thought. And then I started at 8.

So I took a shower and got dressed, jumped in the car, and went down. And now, before I knew I'm going down, I'm walking into the fucking mouth of the line. People going to torture me, you know, the whole thing. But I get to see my buddies. Right. My buddy from the 8th, from the 7th grade, is his band, you know, and all my other friends that live down the shore now, go to those ones. Then he has events up north. Okay.

Friends up north. I don't tell these people when I'm performing. And you're going to find out. And I love them. I love them all like family. I really do. It was a great night for me. I saw a couple people.

I hadn't seen a long time. I saw one of my brothers. I saw another brother that I haven't spoken to maybe 30 years. Him and I were very tight together. We're out in Colorado for a while. I saw some girls. And then one of my buddies was there. Oh, Jesus.

One of my buddies was there that I used to go to a bunch of concerts with, I had a tremendous smoothie for lunch. I made upstairs. I think I put too much yogurt in that motherfucker today. My stomach was fired, Jack. Protein, yogurt, coconut. I fucking doped it up today. So me and him used to go to a lot of concerts, man.

When we were kids, we hung out tight from like maybe 1980 to about 19. We hung out tight for maybe two years. All of us were a little drug group. And we'd go to all of us. the concerts and we went to see ACDC with Def Leopard. We went to see Ozzie. We went to see fucking Judas Priest. I mean, me and these guys went to a lot of shows together and good shows. One of the best stories is where I became the ballbuster Duluth. We went to a concert, the city. I think I went to see ACDC that time. And with the new singer, it was the first

tour back in black. And we did window paint acid. Okay. That's not on the paper? Okay. It's on the paper. No, it's not on paper. It's like a four-way. This was like a four-way, four-way, four tabs for ten bucks.

You could do one or you could split it four ways. I just take the whole one. I mean, why fuck around? So you're walking into the concert. So be honest with you, to be honest with you, he got the story wrong. When I thought about it at home, we mixed up stories. We had gone to a couple concerts together, but. One night we came back and we took a bus and it was a wrong bus.

So we ended up like in Fairview, New Jersey. And we had to walk like maybe two miles home. You don't know biggie. You're on acid. You don't want to go home. You're giggling. And somebody must have broken into a business and the alarm was going off. This was about 1130 at night.

Wow, wow, wow, wow. And after a couple minutes, this guy stops me. He looked at me. He goes, bro, none of you guys are reacting to that siren. And we're like, no. And I look at my buddy, I'm like, don't say nothing to him. And he's like, no, I don't hear the siren. He's like, we walk like two more minutes.

He stops again. He's like, you got to tell me, you motherfuckers don't hear that siren. And we're like, I'm telling you, we don't hear it. You're just hearing things. And he's like, no, no, I'm not hearing things. This ass isn't doing this to me. And my, bro, just keep walking and relax. I don't hear no siren.

And he's like holding his ears. I mean, it was loud. He's holding his ears going, how about fucking you now hold that? So we're like on a busy fucking road, like Kennedy Boulevard. And he's looking around. And we're still in Fairview.

We're walking down by the, there's a diner up on Fairview Boulevard there before you hit North Pergin. And he looks around. He's sweating. You know, it had just rained. It had just rained. And it was humid.

And he asked. he was fucking drenched. All of us were. But to make matters worse, the green light was on. Cars are going back and forth. This motherfucker looked in the middle of the street and just took off.

Took off. Into the middle of the street, cars are beeping out of his shit. I'm like, that's it. This guy's dying tonight. I'm like, thank God. Somebody's going to get hit by a car in front of me. Thank God.

Oh, that's not the response I was expecting. And all of a sudden he bends over And he takes the water from a puddle Oh no Hot hole on the street with like fucking ants on it and shit And he goes over to the puddle And starts throwing the water in his face He goes, I can't stop hearing this siren

He must have thrown 10 handfuls on his face And just ran fucking home We didn't see How old are you? 16 I love that. Do you think it was the acid That like you and your buddy like connected? Not 17, huh?

Was it the acid that you and your buddy connected? Like we're going to fuck with this guy? We knew it right off the back. We laughed the whole fucking way home. He ran home. We went by his house. We threw rocks at the window. He wouldn't have certain shit.

He's still hearing it? Oh, my God. And this guy you saw at the show was the second guy? This guy at the show was, no, no, this guy was the one we did it to. No. Yeah, I was tight with him. We were real tight. I kept in touch.

He lived in Florida with my other buddy. My buddy died when he moved back. And then he's been thrown off Facebook like eight times. You know, he's a trumper. He argues of people on Facebook. He had to go to a Facebook therapy group. You know, Facebook sends you for six weeks. Was he like the first Owen Benjamin?

You're giving people drugs and they lose their mind. He lost his mind. So Saturday night I'm talking. Give him a big hug. And he's telling me, like, it was his birthday. birthday okay he's telling me how good it was to see it was good to see him and another drug dealer ex drug dealer buddy of mine that's a fucking mean him with criminals and now he's like fucking johnny bananas and uh so i'm talking to him you know and there's a lot of people that a lot of old

girls like that you grew up with and i was talking to them and and i was trying to watch the band and i go i'm never going to watch the band these people aren't going to let me like they got to keep asking me creepy question. Right. And a bunch of the wait staff and the manager came over. We'd like to take a picture. I said, absolutely.

I mean, the bar was great. The bar was great. The food looked good. I just wasn't, you know, in the mood to eat. I was just in the mood to fucking giggle and see people. So I walked to the stage for the second set. And that's when I noticed things are getting a little wild.

People start to dance like Hillbilly moves to Huey Lewis in the news and shit. And that's when I get 50. of your shit and one of my buddies that knows me came up to me and he goes hey uh lees is looking for you his wife you know who's a dear friend of mine she knows oh there you are he goes lisa's looking for you but she thought you left already and didn't say goodbye go no no no i'll say goodbye to them before i leave she goes she goes she thought you slipped out the back door i go no no not yet and i look and i see one of my buddies dancing

like a lobster, like creepy crawler. And I was like, well, it's time to go. She called it before you. I wouldn't have been surprised if you just left. I looked at the clock. It was about, I got there about 7.15. It was about 9.30. I was starting to get it to you already.

I took some medables I had, but they didn't work. Some fucking crazy shit I had. I just took them to see what happened. They didn't work. So all these people fucking waiting there and talking and all this. And something, I just turned around. and started walking towards the door. And I saw my one drug dealer buddy, good guy, good guy.

We've been friends since we were 15. And I just smiled on him. I saw somebody else. I just kept walking towards the door. Right? I keep walking towards the door. And then the guy that ran home and put the puddle of water in his face, I hear bab boom, bah.

And I hear a bunch of women yelling. He got knocked out. Some guy hit him, punched him really hard. He banged his head on the bar, and then he banged his head on the sidewalk. Wow. Like, I looked over. I wanted to see what's going on, but everybody was rushing, and I go, I don't want to get over there because they'd take pictures. I'm going to go to jail for 20 years.

Somebody's going to say, I grabbed them. I'm going to get sued. So I just kept walking towards the fucking door, like, nothing happened. You know, and I just went to my car. Everybody was running for the commotion. I just got my car, started it, and took off. And then when I got home, people were calling me. He got knocked out.

ambulance had to come and put him in the ambulance he walked up in the ambulance he didn't know who his friends were his shit I'm like that's because he still's got that acid left on him from 19 fucking 80 it knocked it loose that's cool because if you hadn't left there would have been a problem well you would have got stuck there

you might got roped into it I would have got involved off the bat but there was 200 guerrillas there he didn't need my fucking 61 year old fat ass and he's 62 so he was getting into a fight when he 62, listen, at my age, I'm not going out looking for no problems. I ain't no fucking UFC fighter.

I'm here to protect myself. If I could do, I'll do the best I can, but I'm not going out to bars and getting drunk and telling people political shit and fucking, you know, that's the wrong shit to talk about when you're fucking drinking now. But anyway, let's get this motherfucker started. Greetings, it's Tuesday, the 2nd of July. The check-in is brought to you by the freeze pipe. It's 2024.

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Just to give up. If Uncle Joey could do it, I can rule the world. That's what you gotta be thinking. Welcome back to show! What up, Mook? Good to see you, buddy. It's a beautiful fucking Tuesday,

a new month, a new set of rules, a new set of fucking heat, a new set of problems. It's beautiful. I was laughing right before we started, you were telling a story about just like leaving. I did that at a bar. I had to go up to Maine from,

my day job and they went out to a, we were out on a boat and then we went to dinner and then they wanted to go to another bar. And I was there for about 12 minutes and they had a DJ and people were dancing. And I just, there's nothing I like more than leaving really anywhere. I love, I love just walking out. So is that something that you do a lot? I never, I've never like, You always told me when it's time to go, it's time to go. But I didn't know you were... Once we see this, that means wrap it up. We got 30 seconds.

We don't even have a minute. We got 30 seconds. I'm already on the way out. Things are already starting to get fidgy. Once I see people getting drunk, like people already... Like, yeah, night, when I got there, nobody was drunk. It was 7.15. Right.

He's got through all my age or 10 years younger. They've been drinking since they were three. Right. That means they have six beers now. and their tolerance goes down and they get loose. A lot of those people also work. I was talking to one girl in tight with, she's like a fucking regional manager for ShopRite.

She retired from Pathmark. Wow. And ShopRite hired her out of retirement. So she was telling me, she goes, I stay in every fucking night. But when I come here, I start drinking three hours before I get here. She was fucked up.

Wow. So I didn't. I wasn't that a judge anybody or not. Like, bro, everybody has a different journey. These people probably work six days a week. When they have that one day off, they go fucking ape shit without their kids and the husband. Oh, yeah. But I even, for me, it's not even like a bar thing.

Like, I love, like, if it's just people going over to someone's house, I get uncomfortable. I'm good with like two or three people. And then it just starts to be, like I get quiet. I just, I don't, it might not be, it might not be a good thing, but I just prefer. hard to be by myself. I'm like, let's get the fuck out of here. I'm the type of, listen, what's that movie with Denzel where he says you don't have no time for goodbyes or something? Man on fire. Yeah.

Once I saw that, I go, I'm not crazy. No. I hate saying goodbye to people, especially the last 10 years because I'll never leave. I'll never get out of that. Really? Once they start drinking, hey, one question. You know, like a young one of the time went to play Bachie. And I didn't know the kid next to me was like a J.R.E. historian.

Oh, no. He was all giggly and weird and shit. And I'm like, all right. And right away, we started talking. I could tell this guy was a J.R.E. fucking historian. And he wasn't going to let me go. If he had four drinks of him, forget it.

No. I want to chit-chat. I'm not drunk. So I'm in a different fucking level. I'm high and maybe I'm sober. And you want to talk to me drunk and tell you. me a story that's going to last and last and last. I got to go.

Call me in the fucking morning and we could go over this. But when it's time to go, it's time to go. I don't want to hear no story. I'll tell you whatever you want to hear. I'll be right back. Let me go get you a joint. I got $500 in the coffee. Wait right there.

I'll go get it. Gone. Have you left in? Because, like, you never left me, but I always made sure to know where you were. But, like, did you ever leave someone who, like, wanted to, oh, we'll be right there? all the fucking time all the time why what did they do they just weren't ready

my attention they were playing that drunk shit I've left girls girls are the number one culprit really they start talking shit and Nancy on the way out my girlfriend says make sure you call me listen I'm gone we're going to snort of two grams of blow what do you want she ain't going to call you until Tuesday oh so you do it before cell phones It was like you were doing it like back in the day.

I was doing it to Rogan and those guys. Ask Red Man. I was leaving those motherfuckers everywhere along the city. I tell him I'm coming right back. Getting my cab or Uber or a fucking ride from the doorman. Pee-um, stop at this place, get a nice chicken-colored sandwich. Take me back to the hotel. Go upstairs, roll a fucking joint, eat the sandwich, go downstairs,

smoke another joint, come up, finish the other half the sandwich, drink the soda, get a bag of M&Ms at the fucking checkout at the hotel. Come on, dog, some peanut M&Ms while you're watching Law & Order, and your feet are fucking up on the bed, you're looking at your toenails thinking they need to get cut, but not tonight. That sounds so much better. There's nothing I like more than getting high and eating in a hotel room by myself. Dog, there's different people that like different things.

That's why, you know, if it's up to me since the time I was 16, All I want to do is night is you come pick me up at about 745. Okay. We take a ride to a dealer's house or the Harlem. We go get a quick time bag. We roll a joint. We smoke it on the drive. We stop for a hot dog or a Carvel ice cream soda.

And you dropped me off at a quarter of the 10. You did your job for the night. That's a great evening. You don't need to go to a bar and I don't have to say goodbye and all that fucking nonsense. I hate bars now. I hate bars now more than that though. What changed? I was around it for too long.

Oh, and the comedy clubs? Comedy clubs, my mother's bar, when I was out drugging, it's been too long. I hated bars in 85. I swore that if I ever got out of North Bergen, I would never go to a fucking bar again. And I stayed out of one for like four fucking years. Wow.

I don't like bars. There's nothing about a bar that, I like except promoting a party. I got a cool bar. I would like it with my friends and Reefer and TVs and fucking, you know, everything else that goes to DJ. But besides that, I don't know. I've always felt like there's a potential for something bad at a bar.

Yeah. And I've seen it. And I've seen it. So, you know, you're at a bar hanging out. This guy pulls a fucking gun. And I got to talk to cops I'm not into all that, but the real reason is I just, I was never an out

drunk. So I don't understand it. I don't understand the lingo. I don't understand what happens to people after they drink. I'm a student of it. I'll sit and watch it. If you don't fucking torture me, I'll sit and watch you get drunk and love it. I'll even send you drinks.

Really? Yeah. I'm one of those guys. I'll send you over a fucking drink. Do you like people, like, do you like watching them get drunk or like, how do you pick your person? I'll be sitting there eating at a restaurant and I'll just pick through people at the bar that I'm having a great time drinking. And it makes me very jealous

because I never had that quality. I never had the quality to stay out of place and have two socials and drink, you know, unless when I was doing drugs. But for me right now, after the podcast to get in the car and go to a bar and have a beer,

no desire. Unless it's a mug, a frozen mug, a frozen mug like you've had it in the refrigerator for two years like freeze pipe or oh yeah

and it's got to have like something to pick on so I enjoy like clams on a half shell with some hot sauce and some fucking horseradish and some cocktail sauce little bit of lemon I like that how many beers am I going to drink

one right until the clams are done and then you go home then I go home I don't blame. I, I, I'm jealous of that too. I'm very envious of people who, like, are okay in social situations or like being out in a crowded place and just talk. Like, I, it's interesting to me that you don't like it, because it seems like you would.

To a degree. Mm-hmm. The beginning of it. Like the 8 o'clock show, I like those people, the 10 o'clock show, after the 10 o'clock show, they're a great audience, but they're fucking lit. Oh, yeah. You don't understand what they're saying. They're spitting on you. They're offering you their sister.

It's fucking insane. It's fucking insane. And that I like. I like the socializing after a comedy show. But for me to leave a comedy show and go to a bar like Bert. Oh, I know. Woof. Bert's a motherfucker.

That's why I love Bert. And he loves it. He loves it. He'll fit right. He'll go to any college bar, go in there. Drink with motherfuckers till they all fall down. He's still walking around, pounding his chest. Gotta love that.

That's a great quality of have. Like I said, I wish... It's so weird. When you start cocaine, you're very extroverted. Right. And then at the end, you become very introverted. Like, towards the end, you could come up to me and go, let's go back to your house.

I got, you know, a clean pussy and a shiny asshole. And I don't know. I don't want people around me. And that started bothering me. Like for the last, I quit Coke in 2007 from like 2003 to 2007. I didn't like mingling with people no more. And like the booze wouldn't do it either? Or the booze just wouldn't even really work when you're doing that much coke?

The booze works, but the amount of coke I was doing it would just burn right through it. You could feel the alcohol burning. Every time you do a line of Coke, I could drink like fucking, I can out drink people when I do coke. Oh yeah, isn't that the point? I don't know. I've never done it. Yeah, the soberness of it. I don't know.

And now I'm to a point where I taste alcohol and I don't like the taste of it. It's like edibles sometimes that are gummies. If you eat a lot of them at one shot, you get that taste about like alcohol, like vodka. And you're like, what the fuck? You know? That's funny. Because that happens like when you drink sometimes. Like, if you drink and you throw up on vodka, like you don't like vodka anymore.

I, the stars were hard to get down towards the end, but we also had to eat like 15 of them. Yeah, they taste it like fucking ether alcohol. Like, they were just god awful at the end. I couldn't even, I'm having a problem with all that shit now. Anyway, so that's why I eat the chocolate mushrooms. Like, I like the fungi farms. They have the best fucking peanut, not peanut, brittle, but the other one, like peppermint, bark?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Holy shit, it's fucking good. Now eat a half a bar and go play Bachi. Woo, I'm off and running for two hours. How is Bucky going? You having fun? We won a couple games. We got slaughtered last week quickly.

I mean, we scored points. We lost like 11 to 7. But they took us out in 13 minutes. How long is like a normal Bachi game? or match. It started 8.30 and we were done by 8.45. No, but like a normal one. Would it take till 9?

Half hour, 45 minutes, you know, give a take. Listen, man, it's an activity for me. Okay. It's one night out of the house. Oh, shit. Oh, yeah, yeah. Mercy's got a baseball game tomorrow night. But I'll boogie after the baseball game.

And then Wednesday, I don't know if I'm going to the dojo or not. I don't know what I'm doing this week. No, it's a light week. Yeah, it might be a light week. I've been writing. Nice. I tightened up that joke about Hamas. I love that joke.

There was one other jokes I was tightening up a little bit that I liked. Listen, man, it comes and it goes. It is what a fucking is, you know? Hey, at least you wanted to write. Like, what made you do that? I really enjoy that. That's the part of stand-up I fucking love is building a set. Really? That's your favorite part?

Yeah. Everything else is bullshit. Everything else is bullshit. Wow. Like I always, like even when I wasn't doing it for the time, I missed, I missed thinking about the words. When you do stand up, you have to think of your words a lot. You have to place them in different things. And I started doing that six months ago. And then every day I write something.

You know, I'll journal and then I open up the comedy thing. even if I just put a premise in there I was thinking about. Like how my cat looks at me when I'm putting my sleep apnea machine off. It's right about that the other day. Like she can't believe it. Then I sit down. She comes next to me. She's ready to get petted.

And I got to go, hold on one second. You know, put the fan on, and then I got to fucking do this and fix the mask and clean it. And then I clean my toes and I scratch my feet. Then I put the mask on the whole time. She's looking at me like, what the fuck is he doing with that mask on? You know, listen. is it funny? No. But you make it fun.

And it might be funny. You could put it somewhere. I love the relationship you have with that cat, with Gray. Like when I was there, a couple, whatever it was, two weeks, like, you were like, all right, in about 20 minutes she's going to come down. She's going to start talking shit.

And like clockwork. Like you call every move that she does. I know her like a fucking, once my wife goes up, that's not good enough for her. She has to come down and get me. And she won't go up until I go up. Or she'll go up and sit on top of the stairs and, I'm like, God damn it.

You know, I tried to take a nap this afternoon. She wasn't having it. She just kept licking my fingers. Really? Wicking me up and scratching her nose with my hands on my hip. I can't scratch her, but she's up there fucking scratching and waking me up and doing a little meows. She doesn't really want to wake me up.

But listen, man, when you have a pack, dog, cat, bird. Longevity is king. Longevity, you bring the best out of an animal, and that animal brings the best out of you. And you've already cut through the bullshit. You feed them, you clean their little box, you pet them, you give them love.

They know where they stand. You know, it's funny. On Instagram, they have these cat lovers, and I've been following a lot of them lately. They're more interesting than anybody else on there. And there's like this one page, like there's one cat that, oh, Bruno is his name.

I told you about him, the Siamese that attacks his fucking owner. Oh, yeah. So, Bad Bruno, Day 23, Day 24. But then they have these other ones, and they tell you about cats. And then they have these other ones that they tell you about the distinctive cat that you may have. Like, she's a tuxedo. So I was watching it the other day, and it was right on cue. It was right on cue.

So after she chases me upstairs, right? jumps on the bed with me, I pet her. And once I start getting comfortable, she takes off and she goes to eat. Now she could eat because everybody's at rest. And now she could play fucking warrior. And she'll come back and lay next to me facing the fucking door waiting for somebody to come in to attack him. She weighs six pounds if she's lucky.

You know? And then at night, about four, she gets off to bed and stands by the door, gardeners. All the world. what would happen because I know you've gotten close over the years obviously but like when you would be gone would your animals like get upset with you? Both.

Both. Like last night I went to bed and I hugged my wife before I hug gray this morning I woke up. She took a shit in front of my toilet. Do you usually hug her first? Whoever is closest to me. You know? That's so.

funny. Yeah, you basically have like another relationship. Like you have a girlfriend with this cat. It's fucking unreal. It's unreal. What people have them with dogs, some people have them with snakes.

It's amazing what a pet will do for your life. Yeah. You don't know. Especially if you're lonely, you're going through shit, go to the pound, save a cat, feed it, give it love. And before you know it, man, you've got home. You got a home somebody else. Now you've got to get home by a certain time to feed somebody,

to clean their little box, to play with them. They have, and now you're home. It's really weird how it begins with an animal, dog, cat, raccoon, whatever the fuck it is, you know. I mean, if you got a raccoon when he's a baby, I think you could raise him because you give him love in there. People do it with theirs. Like, I wouldn't, that's terrifying. Like, they do it with everything. Skunk. Oh, shit. People do. with skunks, they dissent them, and they have a pet skunk. They're the cutest fucking things in the world, you know? I would never, I would have thought you would have hate, like, what would you do if you

walked into someone's house and they had a pet skunk? You'd be okay? If it got the sprayed, if they took that stink bomb pellet that they shoot at you, they turn around, they show you their ass and they fucking, you know, it's the worst. You never seen it when they turn like that and they, and they start shooting? Yeah, I had it. Luckily, they didn't get me. Would they get your dog? No, it was in my childhood home.

We had a basement and like there was a little like lowered area right outside of it like under the deck. But like you had to jump up. It was like a, I don't know, four or five foot ledge. And they couldn't get out. And we went in there to try to get it. And it just was terrified and sprayed. But like it smelled for like two months. that shit is strong

that shit is strong you gotta put tomato juice on the dog and lemon juice and fucking and then you can buy that shit the skunk thing you go to a hunting shop okay you can buy a skunk scent that they take it out of the skunk bro

whenever you have to go to like a party you want to get out of that quick you're not even doing stink bombs anymore you're doing skunk bombs over people all it takes is three drops and people start panicking. How many times do you have to do it to figure that out? You're like, two's not enough, but four is a little bit too much.

Three times in different situations and shit. I was the master of that stuff. Like in 83 and 84, my buddy used to sell those things. You threw them in the floor, and they smelled like a rotten egg. Yeah, stink bombs. Horrible. Yeah. Things were horrible.

And I'd blow them up and walk to the other. It's like I'd throw them like 50 yards, they hit the wall. Oh, no. What the fuck? Those are, I got, like, I remember, like, the last day of eighth grade. These kids, like, were, like, terrorists with them. Like, it was the end of the day, last day. They threw them down in one area, and then as everyone was, like, rushing out.

They went in the other, they knew where we were going to go and hit it again. That, like, who even invented a stink? Like, that's a, like, it's so fucking stink. It smells so bad. Like, who would do that? People like, do they even still have them? Now, now I kind of want to get them. You could definitely find them.

Heavy Duty Wars, too. They smell like a fucking, they smell like Hamas, like Palestine right now. It's just death and old... They bottle it over there? An apocalypse dust and shit. Oh, no. I can't even... I never did any of that.

Did you ever... So, like, where would you get stink bombs? Like, back before the internet, like, where would you go? There was a guy in New York City. And this is 83, 84. I was out of high school. Okay. I was an adult or at least trying to function as one.

You were throwing stick bombs and shit. You were an adult? Yeah, it was like 83. I was maybe 20, 21. Oh, my God. Okay. When I was in 83, I got introduced the skunk set. And it wasn't for the purposes you think.

The guy introduced it to me because he goes, when you put this outside somebody's door, they come out of the house. And then you could go in there and rob them. Oh, my God, he was using it as a diversion? Yeah, as a diversion. Because right, if you put a little skunk outside somebody's window and they always go, oh, my God,

there's a skunk outside. They'll go out and look to see if there's a skunk. And right there, you're hiding in the trees with a BB pellet and fucking get them up and then you fucking go in. But this was for a different type of mission. It wasn't for a robbery. It was to get a guy out of the house. So I practiced with it for a while.

But I bought my first bottle in West New York. I saw it at Levy's sporting goods when I was a kid. There was a hunting department. Anyway, you go anywhere. Walmart will probably have it. Just for kicks. You don't want to work a comedy club, take a bottle with you? The headliners on stage.

You spray some of that in the fucking under one of the chairs. And people go off. People go off. Because that club is St. Louis, Helium. They were underneath like a toilet thing in the basement. And every time somebody flushed, the whole thing smelled like shit. And the first night I kept smelling. And I'm like, man, somebody's farting.

And then the second night, people get me. And I asked them, why are you leaving? Did I say something offensive? They don't know. The smell of the room is offensive. It was terrible. Every time somebody flushed, you were like, oh. Oh, no.

What about, I mean, what about flappers? They had the same thing. And luckily it wasn't in the showroom. Where'd they have it? In the bathroom? Yeah, their bathroom always overflowed. Like, it stunk. I don't remember that.

I don't remember that. But you would think there'd be more stink bomb. I think that time in eighth grade was the last time I smelled one. Oh, no, I still smell them now. This is Jersey. There's walking stink bombs. There's people. They're just walking stink bombs.

There's some of those around. They got on a train. You go in there, they're riding by themselves. Like, it's a beautiful day in America. Try sitting next to them. that that's a different how do you think do you think they just don't smell themselves

but if it's that like there's people who it's bad I don't know man I gave a homeless guy like a $5 bill three weeks ago I was going into New York City and he was speaking Spanish and said what the fuck he's a Spanish guy maybe it's God I gave him five dollar bill got two feet away from him it smelled like

piss shit and burnt cigarettes Like cigarettes that you turn off and then you light on fire again. But it was overwhelming with piss and shit. You know, I don't know. You want to pick them up and take them somewhere to clean them off. You feel bad.

Remembering by us by the YMCA, if you went to the next corner of the Y and made that left like you were headed to Lancashire. Okay. It was like a little church in there. Two days a week, they would come with a trailer. Some company will give out free t-shirt. toothbrushes. Yeah.

I went over there a few times. I didn't shower, but I would watch to see what they're doing. I'm like, what the fuck all these guys doing here? I thought they were like Mexicans waiting for work. But there was white guys. I go, what the fuck is this? White dudes waiting for work and a couple of black dudes? What's

going on with the world? And I look close and there was a, it's like a fucking truck that comes with showers, eight different showers. And there was like a fucking doctor there checking blood pressures. Oh wow. Shit, you know. He wasn't a doctor. I love that you

had to say that you didn't take a shower. Like, can you imagine getting into that line? Like, I just want to be, I want to take it. What is like if you're last in line, like the floor of that shower has to be I feel bad for the other guys when they get my fungi toe and I get their

fucking whatever they're living with and their fucking disgusting little clackers. I like at jujitia or the gym. when you shower? No, there's no shower at Jiu-Jitsu. Oh, okay. So we do our thing, and everybody leaves. You switch your T-shirt, you take off your pants, you put on, you come with other stuff. I walk in with a Jiu-T-Sugi, so I have to change there. Right.

Once it's done, I take the pants off. I put on like shorts, flip-blops, a T-shirt just to get me home. I'm not stopping. No. I don't give a fuck. I just don't want to stink, and I don't want that moisture. You see how much I itch. That's moisture. that means that I was walking like if I'll go to a red light sauna and I want to leave there in a rush but I forget to drive my fucking back then two days later I'm scratching like poison ivy got to hold me fuck I knock on wood I never had that yeah that's what that's my fucking shit is but back to what we were talking about before about writing stand-up comedy if you go on Google and you Google it you have a bunch of bums trying to teach how to write comedy, you know.

A lot of people just try to teach you how to write comedy, not stand-up. But that's, you know, every, I would love to, for 10 comics, to really get serious. And all of us write a book on our writing process to really show the open micer, listen, I knew there was a little writing when I got to stand-up. But as you mature and get into it, you learn the levels. You know, I've been watching a young comedian special again because that's how I like comedy. And it's amazing. When I watch it now, it's like, wow, he did that.

He did that. You know, I watched a lot of comedy and I didn't know how to write. Until this day, I don't know how to write comedy. I don't have a fucking formula for it, you know. But I know that you have a good premise. And you take it on stage a little bit and then you work it at home and you take it on stage. I love that process. So the whole process of going, because you kind of have to go on stage to adjust it, right?

Or can you edit jokes that you haven't done? Like if you're sitting looking at your notebook, could you adjust it without like, oh, this will be better? I wrote a joke a few months ago. It was a throwaway joke. It was for my gay cousin. He swallowed something. The first time I said it, I said he sucks so many dicks when he speaks to your ghosts come out. Okay.

I went home and I figured out the word was swallowed so many loads when he speaks. Ghosts. And then you add the second tag to that. Now you're working with something. You get three tags. Maybe the joke is clunky. But in a month, something else will pop up. And that joke will fit right in.

Now you got a joke, a two-minute joke. Yeah. Use the one. So all that process is great. Then you're like, oh, man, I'm going to use the fuck here. I got to lose a fuck somewhere. I'll take this fuck out of that. And then pray to God, you don't say it on stage.

But as long as you make that adjustment on paper, you'll make the adjustment on stage. It would be great to have, like, especially if you did a book like that, it'd be great to have. because every comic is going to have a different Every common. Because that's, I think, for me at least right now, the most frustrating part about comedy

is there really isn't a path or like a... At jobs, you go from this position to this position. Everyone's thing is different because you're doing it by yourself. And it's just by your... A thousand percent by yourself, so everyone's going to have a little different way of looking at it. And you have no idea where to start.

No, and that's what comics are lost. And people would think, oh, you didn't miss performing as much? Not really. Not really. I could fucking have to get in a car and go a half hour. I can just get a notebook, a cup of coffee in a joint. Right.

You know, some of those nights, we eat those mushrooms, we get off the phone and shit, and I start giggling by myself. I come right back here and get a notebook. Let's be honest, the next day they're garbage, but I still made an effort to come right here and write them. How many times are you just get up at two in the morning and go, that's a good joke. I'll remember it in the morning.

And you're like, God damn it, I should have gotten up. So you put a pad by your bed. Yeah. Always with a little lights. You roll up at 4 in the morning, you know. It's not a good idea because if you have an addictive person out of like mine, if you wrote one, you got to write a second one. And if you write a second one, you got to write a third one.

And next thing, you know, it's 5.30 in the morning. You got to get up at 7.30 to get a bus to, the fucking Canada to smuggle fucking immigrants in or whatever the fuck it is that you do. But it's even like the little thing that you, because I had, I just switched to a pen and paper because I just usually had my phone.

And even that, like, just getting to the notes app, sometimes I'll forget it. Absolutely. The one thing I saw more than ever was people going up on stage and looking at their phones. I mean, Shane does it? All those motherfuckers do it.

But it's like, you know, people having a problem with Savas Silverman bringing up a note years ago. I walked into one of those arguments. And I'm like, listen, whatever it takes to fuck, I wish I had the balls to bring up a joke. I'd be a lot funnier. But not really, because then I'd be concentrating on the sheet.

Right. I think it depends on how you, like, how the show's advertised. I went to a show with a guy who was like, I'm working on stuff and he had a whole stack of note cards, but he would just look at it and put it down and do the joke. I've noticed a lot of people like will look at their phone the whole time or they'll spend hours scrolling through their phone. You spent the whole fucking day looking at people on their phones. I just paid 25 bucks.

I want to see you get on your phone to tell me a joke. Right. Do you understand why I'm coming from? I mean, how many times did I get off stage and you go like, that was a great set? Fuck. I didn't try that joke. I wish I could put a pencil and paper up on stage. for my world to stand up,

it wasn't professional to bring up a piece of paper and I'd rather eat a bag of dicks and go hold on one second and look under a hat that I have on stage like I did many a time in my first five years.

I did that many a time. And you just mentioned like some big comics to do it. Obviously, I'm not comparing myself to them at all. But it's to me as like a audience member, I think you're right. Like it kind of makes you realize

like, oh, this is something they're reciting. Whereas if you just go up there, sometimes you don't even know if they've ever said it. I don't know. Because you wouldn't do that in a real conversation. You wouldn't look at your phone to figure out what to say. No. So I don't get it to each his own. I mean, some people take it. Some people go fuck it. It doesn't bother us. I just think that once people, first off, this shit of me charging people 30 bucks to work out material. I didn't like that either to it.

the end. That was an agent induced conversation. And that's why everybody's doing it now. I don't have the hour, but I'm going to go up there and throw thoughts on you. But at the same time, I'm going to charge you 25 hours to let you watch a bad show. A comedian, listen to what I'm telling you, a comedian would never allow that. Right. An agent has to okay and say, sure, you can make money doing it and you do it. If I'm going to do one, remember when I did them at the ice house? They were fun and they were $15. Yeah, they were cheap.

I don't even know if they were 15, to be honest. I think sometimes there were 10. Like that, that I like. That I like. I don't mind the thing. I like that a lot. I love bottom of the barrel at Joe Rogan's Club, a Brian Simpson's show. That's the best show I've done

for material. What do they do? You go on a bucket. If the audience ask questions, you go on a bucket. and you pull them out and you answer the question with a joke some people ask for a topic some people ask you a question that's a way to get your mental going

on a Tuesday night right have you ever done a show like that and like got a joke from it like that you actually used my favorite night at Joe Rogan's Club is Tuesday night Brian Simpson

bottom of the barrel he's doing it in Denver now I saw that weeks it's a It's just a great show. It's a great show. Within a year, every club will be doing it on an off night. Yeah.

I told him fucking copyright the name. And just like Comedy Juice did, he does that. You know, fucking the stand, Miami Improv, Addison Improv, a couple funny bones. I like that idea. But for me to say, oh, well, I don't have material. but I do and charge you 25 bucks, which is nothing, a ticket prices, but it's money for me with a door deal.

Right. I didn't understand that. That's why I like the dojo's Wednesday nights. It's always a different, it's me and friends, it's a doorman and friends. You know, comedy is not a weekend thing anymore, believe it or not. It's a during the week thing now, especially in this part of the country i have friends that got comedy clubs and they eat it in the

summer but they survived tuesday wednesday thursday right it's almost easier to go out during the during the week rather much i don't want to be out on a saturday and friday at a comedy club i want to catch them tuesday and wednesday when they're fresh you know if you go to comedy store all the comics out of town on friday and saturdays if you go to joe's club all the the comics out of town except for the headline they bring it. Right. But if you've noticed, the trend has gone during the week, that's why I love

Wednesday. It's, it's so cool to see, like, that's the only thing, and I like the idea of doing it everywhere, but if, I'm just thinking of, like, in these places, if, like, a newer comic tries to do bottom of the barrel, like, it could be rough. Well, it's not for a newer comic.

It's really not for a newer comic. Right. It's not for an open mic comic. You know this. This is for four year and up, three year and up type comic. A little bit of road work maybe, an MC spot, a feature spot here. He works consistently. Because if he does go up, you know, he's having a hard time writing.

Never mind thinking on his feet and writing. It's one out of ten. And believe it or not, I was very good thinking off my feet in the beginning on stage. That's why I kept doing it. I'm like, all right, I'll just improvise. I don't need to write jokes. Well, if you need to grow as a comic, you need to write fucking jokes. But in the beginning, I just improvise.

Your entire said? Yeah, I was really good at it. But again, we had this discussion on the church. It was a 50-50 shot. Right. When it was good, it was really good. When it was bad, it was really bad. So that's not a comic.

The odds are off. The percentages are off. So what would you rather do? I'd rather have a little ammunition and then go on stage with material and take a breather to attack somebody for two minutes. I had to do. Not attack, but, you know.

Right. How did you get here? You're having sex tonight? Whatever stupidity you want to say to them. But it was a lot better than me going up there in the old days with three minutes of material to lure them. And then, you know, so what are you black guys doing here? Right.

You know, and like I said, when you're starting out, don't know what worked out for me that I didn't go to it, but it was a muscle. It was always there. And it's a hard thing to learn. And for years, I never used it. I won't use it. I refuse to do that shit, Michelle. Unless it's something that you have to address, let's stick to material so you know where you're at at all times. You have a boundary of where you're at. Okay. Because when you go on stage, you have to have a pitch. A set is a pitch. If you You're at work, right? I'm calling you up, hi, Lee, Joe Diaz, mutual insurance.

How are you? I expect that pitch to go wrong. You know what? Mr. Diaz, why don't you call you later on and my wife is here? I understand. But in that pitch, it's already written if that question goes sour. And there's three replies. Do I know them?

No. And then you follow that list. When you don't stick to that list, it falls apart. It falls apart. You've seen this. You've lived it. It falls apart. Every once in a while we got them good for five minutes.

Then we take a chance. We should have that chance. Now you've got to start from scratch again, and I don't have to tell you what that's like. So it's one of those things that's great. I think that, like I said to you, man, I didn't miss performing. I didn't miss taking pictures.

I didn't miss the money. I didn't miss anything. What I missed was the process. Now, let me ask you this. If, and I know this wouldn't happen, but if going on stage was just as easy, like if you could open a door in your house and you were in the back stage,

like you were on the stage and then people wouldn't bother you, but like you could perform that easily, would that make, like, would you miss performing as much? Like, is it the getting to the show and dealing with all that you don't like? I have a comedy club 20 minutes from my house

that was considered an A room for many of the years, the stress factory. There's nothing from stopping me from going over there two nights a week. The problem is it's a showcase club. It's not a showcase club. It's a headliner club. So I always have to go in there

and in my world, I've got to ask permission from the headliner, man. When I call the owner and he goes, yeah, come by. It's not good enough for me. I'm walking into somebody else's stage. You have to be respectful. Right.

If you're a feature, an MC, no worries. But I headline, and he's a headliner. Part of that is a little disrespectful. You know, if you're going on you. Yeah, somebody asked me last, at Batchie last week. Am I going to Dave Chappelle? I didn't know what Dave Chappelle was. I go, no.

And they go, really? And I go, don't. Ask me if I want to watch a comedy show. I don't. not something like that. I'd rather go to a showcase club, put a fucking disguise on, sit in the back stone and watch eight comics through 15 minutes.

And nobody talked to me. Nobody say a word so I could sink into that comedy. That's my favorite thing in the world to do. You like to showcase better than the headliner? Yeah. Why? It's like a buffet. I get to eat fucking eight things instead of two.

Wow. Because I'm, if I know the person, Or even if I don't, I like the headliner. I don't know what it is. I like... But let's say I go there and I fall in love with a little Jew guy from Boston, least I at.

Right. To run home, I go on his website. Now I watch him do 45. Right. If you follow me, there's more to the story. But I'd rather sit in the back and watch eight different styles. Mm-hmm. And watch that audience, that same audience,

and see how the eight different styles work on that same audience. Listen, we put a lot of... As stand-ups, we put a lot of focus on writing. We put a lot of focus on performing. But I think that comes a time where you stop focusing on watching. Listen, there's comics that their egos are so strong. They make up stories, but I don't watch people specials. I don't want their material in my head.

The way to grow is to watch people. It's like when you go to acting class and you do the fucking little routines they give you, and you're all excited. I'm doing a fucking scene from fucking shaft. I'm playing a black guy, but I'm Jewish, you know, whatever. It's great that you're doing that, but it's better when you watch other people and see what their interpretation is of that same movie.

Right. My acting teacher used to make three of us get the same scene and do it all in the row. So it would be me and you doing a scene from Donnie Brasco, the one when you come visit me, in the jail, Steve, Simone, and Renazizi, the one when you come visit him in the cell, and Ari and Duncan.

Okay. And then like that, you learn three different minds, three different ways, three different people, how they looked at it. Don't get me wrong. Two people are going to look at it the same. But one guy is going to be different, and that's the guy you learn from.

I'm not saying other two guys aren't good. I'm just saying that they didn't go outside their creative box. this guy brought it. Number three brought it. It's it's the thing about like how the audience is

like like was kind of receiving sounds like a douchy word but like how the audience is perceiving your act is like because I had a couple people tell me recently that like when I

I seemed angry like if I was talking to an audience member and in my head I was being silly and I didn't think of it as that But like it, you take that stuff into heart and like try to adjust how you do things. If people give you that feedback. Listen, people always going to give you feedback. Some people have no idea what they're saying.

Their feedback is right on. And some people, I rather, listen, when somebody comes up to you that you don't know and says, hey, Lee, you're fat. It bothers you. It's different than me going, what are you doing, your little fat cop sucker? Right. You follow me? There's people that come up to you sometimes after a set. You're frustrated enough and they're like, excuse me, and they start.

Nobody wants to hear that. You try to be a gentleman and you take it in. Most of the time they're wrong. But every 10 people that you see, maybe they're comedy fans and you don't fucking know it. Like diehard comedy fans. Yeah. And even if they're not, like, to me, it's, it's, like, some people can just see things.

And if they see it like that, there's probably a thousand other people in the country who would see it like that. And I don't want to change everything that I do, but, like, I don't want to be, like, I don't want to be doing something if it's coming off the wrong way. When I used to go to auditions, I would sit by the door and wait too much, the people I was going up against. I would read, to read. And I would listen to their reads.

let's say four of them went up. Two of them were off the beaten path. One of them was on, and the other guy was close, and then I would have to make an assessment between those two guys and going there with something different. Is it kind of like with stand-up,

how it's not great to go first? Did you like going a few in later on? No, I always go first. You know me. That's always been my love. I don't know, but for auditions. Like, is it better to go, like, third or fourth so you can hear those people?

You can listen. You can listen. It's funny. Whenever we did it, and you see it, you told me a couple weeks ago, it was pretty intense when you got up there and started hosting right off the bat. You were scared for a minute, and I go, no, I'm not there to destroy the show. I'll bring a different element as a host, which is great. But when it comes to hosting, like, if you come to me and go, what's your favorite hosting, featuring or headlining, I'd rather get it out of the way.

bring my party to the front line and fuck these motherfuckers up. But interesting, when I go watch Mercy's games, in between innings, when it's dead trying to go on the field, guess who runs out there first? Mercy. Mercy. And I watch it every game. She shoots to her position first. You don't ever have to tell her she's out there.

You know, I didn't talk to her about that. I never said nothing about it to her. I don't say nothing about her. let her mother say it or the coach or something. But that's enthusiasm. You want to go up and get it over and rock them. These guys that got ego, oh, no, no, I'm a headliner.

Okay. That's why you were home the last three weekends, Mr. Headliner. Oh, fuck that. It's so cool. We were talking about it earlier, but just to see you and Mercy is just so awesome. Again, it's longevity. It's a relationship.

You know, it's like that night when you came over, we came home stone at midnight, and we got the chicken palm and she came out of the room. That was awesome. What a piece in there. That's my world. Now, a kid gets up at two and says, fuck, yeah, I'm eating. The mother downstairs furious. What is she doing up? She's got a break in the corner.

I'm like, I don't give a fuck. And here does she. She's fucking 11, you know? She'll sleep when who the fuck knows. Yeah. But it's all, listen, one one thing I eliminated from my life. I'm doing really good at is crazy. When I left Los Angeles with you,

it was too crazy for me. And I had to shut that lifestyle down. I can't have crazy people around me no more. It just irritates me. I did enough for 23 years. For 23 years, I was crazy, and I was surrounded by fucking crazy people. So it's just, it's over.

Like, I'd rather be around peaceful people. like I said, I do those softball games. I get fucked up. I put sunglasses on and I just sit there and every time the THC starts to wear down, I walk to my car, I take two more hits of the one hitter, I spray some frieze

on me and nobody knows nothing. It's I can't even to be honest with the edible got a little bit high at the moment. I forgot what I was going to say. That's always good cuck, cuck, Where are you at this week?

This week I'm at the Saratoga Comedy Works. Friday and Saturday. What are you doing for the 4th of July? Nothing. Grilling. With mom? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

We got the grill. We got the deck going. It'll be good. What do you got going on? Anything fun? We have a thousand things. You know, I was just talking about tonight. She's like, I don't know.

We'd decide on. I don't know. I don't feel like sitting in somebody's yard. No. I don't feel like either being at a beach. with my feet on the ocean somewhere nice or maybe the city I was thinking to go into the Yankee Cincinnati Red Game at Yankee Stadium at one o'clock but that's a fucking nightmare Lee oh that's it I gotta leave here at 9 30 in the morning to get

that one o'clock in my seat and the parking and the walk in and the fucking then you walk out of there you're in fucking you know it's three in the afternoon and now you gotta get back and people go to the city to fucking watch the fireworks show. It's on the Jersey side, this side. I think the Hudson, I don't know. Something he was telling me that I don't even. But even, like, would you have a

seat that's under things? Because I love going to baseball games, but a one o'clock game July 4th, that's going to be hot. Well, let's see what the weather is. Maybe it would be 75. Maybe it'll be a beautiful fucking day. You know, who knows? It's supposed to be humid and hot. They're calling for weather delays, but, bitch,

I ain't flying on Thursday. I don't need to see anybody. It's fucking Thursday. That's awesome. Fuck you and taking a flight this weekend. That's nuts. Oh, yeah. We'll do it every year. I don't know where the fuck you're going, Doug. Sit tight. Sit tight.

Those are $800 flights, Jack. It's getting, yeah, it's getting crazy. Thank God I'm driving this week. Really? Oh, yeah. And gas is out of its fucking, like I said, listen, everything is out of control. The American family is in trouble. The American family of four, you know, it's in trouble. I mean, it's going to be a deep summer. It's going to be a deep fucking summer.

But just got to be prepared. You got to see what you got. I got a brother right now who the last three months, he told me he had to change his life around. He was eating out too much. And, boy, he turned it around. He's like, dog, I watch my prices now. It's crazy out there.

He watches for sales of meat and prime rib and this and that. He cooks everything at home. He sees a lot happier. He lost 15 pounds. Oh, I'm sure. But they were talking about it last night. Like the clubs have, like we talked to, clubs have been light.

But it's great to be healthier to eat at home. But then that's going to hurt restaurants. Like, it's, this is, if you save yourself, it's going to be, like there's going to be some bad stuff. So we do the best we can't. We save the pennies that we make. And we fucking.

wait to see what direction they're taking this. But for right now, I don't know what I'm doing this week. I have a friend coming into town, and she's leaving Friday, and Thursday's the fort, so I didn't make plans. But Wednesday night, I'm supposed to see it. If not, I'll shoot over to the comedy dojo, see Aaron Berg and a bunch of other guys. Then the weekend's when I do shit. I'm just going to smoke dope. Hopefully I'll be getting some mushrooms tomorrow.

Have you ever seen fireworks on mushrooms? I don't know. I don't fucking know. It's not like I'm going to sit there. Listen, let's be honest. You see one firework, you see them all.

Unless you're going to blow up a building, that's a 4th of July. That would be awesome. I would go watch that. Yeah, you pay a small 50, 100 bucks. Blow up a fucking building

with three people in it. I didn't know there were going to be people in it. It was in the basement that we're having a place. prostitutes down there, whatever they were doing. The child sex pornography ring down there. Oh, with the tunnels? Yeah, the Jews with the tunnel.

You know, you just, it's like going to a parade. You see one parade, you see them, oh, look, it's the bagpipes. Ooh, it's the mayor. The cheerily is and throwing a stick up in the air. Boy, I'm happy I came. That's why I thought like the mushrooms might help. Because with the lights,

the mushrooms I thought would be good. Well, at night, they might be good. I think they're doing something in town. They do something. They do something and all the kids go. I know I went like two years or maybe one year. It was pretty fucking cool. I didn't go, but I was just somewhere and they were having a drone show.

Would you ever go see that? Like 300 drones with lights flying around? Nah, that I don't give a fuck. I want to see things blow up and a bat fly out of the sky or some shit. You know me, dog. I'm into fun in nature. I never knew that about you.

Let's get a fuck out of here. Listen, people, have a great Fourth of July. Be careful. Don't buy fireworks for people unless they're Chinese. Because it's a cold world out there. They got the best equipment in the world. They got those communism fucking firecrackers. Those things pop twice.

You know what I'm saying? Two pops. I love it. I love the Chinese. Have a great Fourth of July. Don't forget to go see Lee up there. Where are you at? Saratoga, New York.

Yeah, you're not doing nothing. Go bet some races. I don't even know. they're open. And they're hoping. So I've never been up there with the horse track open. And it's open. Oh, yeah.

I'm almost positive. And then go bet on fucking Lee and get them from chubby chick to lick his nutsack. That'll make his weekend complete. I love you, motherfucker. Stay black. Have a great week. And we'll be back next Tuesday, the 8. The check-in is brought to you by the freeze pipe.

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It's a beautiful Tuesday.