The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - The Magical Mystery Tour (LIVE from NJ)

Episode Date: May 7, 2024

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt record The Check In in person for the first time! Joey tells Lee why he reserved a hospital room for him this trip, the time he found blood in an airplane bathroom, why confidence is so important for stand up comedians, and Joey ALMOST gets Lee with an old trick... Support the show and try Blue Chew for free – just pay $5 shipping. Head to https://www.bluechew.com and use promo code DIAZ T his episode is brought to you by Better Help. Give online therapy a try at https://www.betterhelp.com/DIAZ, and get on your way to being your best self.  The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz

What's with the heavy breathing? What do you mean? What's with the heavy breathing? You mean 18 bong hits, edibles or multiple flavors. No, there was not three bonged. It was,

uh, it was not three. I took at least four, but for the first one. I took at least four. I don't, you have your wife saying that, what's in that voice now?

What's that? What do you mean? What the late voice? I should get paid in perpetuity. You're not getting dick. All right. Just start. the podcast. Listen, stop looking like a mo-mo when you're smoking. The best way to stop coughing up

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Run for your lives. It's over. They didn't put you on this planet just to give up. If Uncle Joey could do it, I can rule the world. That's what you got to be thinking. Welcome back to church. What's happening?

Beautiful people, Uncle Joey here. With the King of Swing, Lee Syatt live in New Jersey. We're doing a podcast live. Don't forget tomorrow night. We're at the Nojo, Joe Comedy, and Thursday. But guess what? It's sold out.

So next time. Immediately. Immediately. We don't fuck around. How you doing, guys? Ah, it's fun to be back in, like, person. It's fun to be back. I hear you.

He wasn't even, listen, he called about four. I just watched Cleveland come back. Oh, against... Cleveland fucking came back. I couldn't believe it. And then they won, they covered the over. Everybody was happy. And then I took a little nappy, Noon.

When I woke up, I was ready for war. It's Cinco to Myo Week. You know. you celebrate big on Cinco de Mayo Oh yeah He saw me jumping up and down With the fuck am I gonna go I'm living in New Jersey

The only aliens are illegal They run for me Happy Cinco de Mayo They tip What the fuck I was just wishing you a happy Cinco But I went to a restaurant today And they were in the back yelling

It was like a white restaurant But everybody in the back is Mexican They're yelling happy Cinco de Mayo So on the way on I walk I go listen I need to Molly back here Enough with this meat load shit I found one Mexican place last time I was here. It was like in a pizza place.

I, because I found it was too weird. Like there was a, it was a sandwich place near you, but you had to go. It was like also in the back of a market and like it to grab your bread first and walk up to the counter with your bread. I don't know. So I went next door to the Mexican place.

It was actually pretty good. Did, but what was I going to say to you? What are you going to say to me? because I got here and you were fucking with me and something. Oh, I just you got me here

and we were taking bonhits and you said I took like two. I took like eight of those. Who took two? Me, you said I did. We talked about the bomb hit 20 minutes ago. I don't know. Don't worry about nothing.

You're fine. You're fine. You're back in training. You're here for a week. We already, you know, we booked a hospital room for you. Tuesday night. We already booked dual hospital rooms, liquid IVs, the whole fucking deal. He told

me this on the way home from a show. I called you and you were like, and I was saying, because you kept saying we're not going to stop taking edibles. It's going to be edible. And I have to drive. And you told me you booked me a two nights day at a hospital, which I thank you. Yeah, two nights at a

hospital. Nobody does that no more. You call them advance. You go through the back door. You give them the fucking visa card. They put you in a room by yourself. Nobody's yelling next to you. There's nothing worse than being the hospital next to a guy all night. And you're like, give me a fucking breathing. It's off. I went to the ER with someone a few months ago in like Worcester and they like they're screaming. Hearing someone puke multiple times is ER is entertainment.

Why didn't ever, they did a show called the ER, but it wasn't the real ER. There was a bunch of nice people, you know, helping nice people. Like I was on here. I cut myself with a fuck with a bottle. opening up a box in a warehouse. That's not ER. I want to see I come in shot holding onto his eye and they make him do paperwork. The guy's like, are you fucking serious?

My eye is about to come out of my head and you want me to give you insurance information. Like, you have the numbers on you? Yeah, yeah. They're in my fucking wallet, which got robbed before I got shot. I can't win here. It's fucking, I hate going on emergency

because you're in pain and all of a sudden they want to get family history. Listen, we'll get the history later. Let's take the tooth out. Let's take the fucking fidget out of my ass, whatever stuck, and let's move on with our lives. But do you want to go in and they want to ask you 20 questions? What is it like in New York? It must be crazy in Manhattan. Dog, I haven't been in a hospital in New York, knock on wood, in 50 fucking years. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know and I don't want to know. I know the last time I went to emergency in New York was my guy in there with a bottle. And that was 16, 1970. So that's 50 fucking four

years ago. And then I went to ER like in 1982 with a friend of mine. We had to take it to the ER. And that was just fucking scary. We had to take it to Edgewater. There's a, there's a hospital on Edgewater. It used to be in Union City, but they moved to Edgewater. People always say, don't go there. Don't go there because it's like part-time butchers. This guy, hold on. We're going to operate you in 10 minutes. He's getting here from his janitorial position. That's fucking,

Safeway or something. So they always tell you not to go in there, but I went in there with a friend, you know, it was three in the morning. Somebody hit them in the nose. So we were in there. That was just a fucking parade of me.

And they should take it from county jail at mid, like New York City jail to the hospital. Just what's going on. Nobody wants to see people get arrested no more. They did that with fucking cops. You know, now they have the live police. I don't want to see that shit.

I want to see that shit. I want to see people getting shot, taken to the hospital. The guys are smoking cigarettes outside, the emergency room, you know, the whole process. The guy who stabbed them is getting taken to court to get processed to see what his story is. That's a fucking cop story. See, I'm a criminal. I know what I want to see. But, well, you can't handle blood.

How are you going to watch people do surgery? I don't want to say surgery. You just get them into, you know, you can't show the surgery. It's like the 600-pound man. They don't show you. They don't show you them cutting into the surgery. fucking behemoth of a man. They show him going into the back room.

It's the same thing, but the process of getting him out, putting stuff on him while he's bleeding, the shit he's saying, mommy, mommy, you know, whatever the fuck he's saying, that's what I'm talking about. That would be badass. That would be badass. And then the people who did it,

now they have another show called 48 hours where something happens and you have immediate reaction to 48 hours. You guys are sitting at home going, Joe, you watch a lot of police shows. I'm a criminal. You know, I sit there going, this guy fucked up. My favorite show on TV is I almost got away with it. And they always do it out of Florida with the dumbest people in the fucking world.

I don't get it. And the show is they almost got away with the crime? They almost got away with the crime. And they show these fucking people that are just fucking lunatics. It doesn't even take you five minutes to go, that dude's in Florida somewhere. Fucking, you know, and then they show the town and you're like, damn, but it is Florida. I don't want to feel like, like, you know. But what if, and like how did they get caught?

Were they all idiots? Well, they just tell the story of them doing something and then they go on a run. Right. And they get caught while they were on the run and how they got caught and, you know, who ratted them out. It's fucking insane. I can't even imagine like the, like the anxiety of that, like going on a run. And now they're talking about it.

What do you think about like? Isn't, isn't it weird that people are? talking about all this shit. About what? Like all the, I mean, I guess like just the crimes. Like, I don't know. Like, the, like, the crime podcast have, like, blown up. Listen, man, it's always been an intriguing part of society. You know, you said that like what Charles Manson did. I read that book, like, in high school.

And that was a disturbing book. That was a disturbing crime. I did not like reading it. I don't like the song, Health the Skelter. I don't like nothing about this fucking shit. But it was fascinating at some point. And then when I got into it, I'm like, this ain't as fascinating as I thought it would be, you know?

Yeah, I always loved those like locked up shows where they have a documentary crew in prison. I don't know. I watched all of them. They had like locked up. Like Nat Geo had a couple of them. And I just watched one.

That's great if you ever see it on TV. It's like locked up Boston. and it's just like the most like the stereotypical Boston people just going crazy in prison but I don't know I've always been because it's just so far out of my realm of like so far and it's fascinating the people it's like gangsters are fascinating the people yeah you know like all that shit and that's why they keep making these shows and the shows are got off yeah they keep making these shows after sopranos it was very tough to top that at any form you know and then he tried to come back with a movie which I was in that didn't work out too good

there's been a couple projects that people you know I like the Irishman but you complained about it it was just too long it was just too long and uh you know it's just a genre that disappeared but still every night there's something on that geo uh biography every night there's something about mobsters there's a show called mobsters there's another show that they talk And it's the same people over and over from 19, fucking 70 and 80. You know, these people today don't even know who these people are. They don't even know who they are. Like when you say, they release that John Goddy movie with Travolta.

Right. Even if Jesus put it away, put it play Goddy, he only got, they would have got the same response. Because nobody remembers John Gotti. That was 1985. Right. Even if these kids were, you know, fucking in the grunge era, they don't remember. all that shit. They were too busy jumping up and down, not putting the odor on, going to raves and shit, listen to Sound Garden. You know, I was, I wasn't worried about that shit.

And like, do you think it's still going on to like that level today? Right. Like, like you're talking about like those people who are. There's always going to be crime. Well, there's always a black market for things. There's always going to create something. You know, I think about pills and how there's a big problem with them in pharmacy. But then again at the same time, there's a black market for them. Then they get out in the black market. People, I imagine people are selling them.

They're selling them, stuff like that. But there's still, there's got to be a leak somewhere to get everybody hooked. So it's like every level of stuff. There's no more, listen, you can't use a credit card unless you use it online. Okay. It's not like you go face to face anymore and use a credit card. They'll pinch you in 10 minutes. There's cameras, there's live cameras, there's every.

in the store. I went to it I went to my daughter's softball game a couple days ago when I'm sitting there and then I parked by a McDonald's because I was waiting to get parking and I just parked by a McDonald's and I was looking at the field and I wasn't doing any crime at all I wasn't smoking I wasn't pissed and I'm just sitting there looking at the sky and I noticed how many cameras were at McDonald's I noticed how many cameras were next to it like a change your oil thing Right. It was like a change your whole thing. I'm just looking at the cameras.

I looked across the street. There was a Popeye's chicken cameras everywhere. So they're showing you these 13 in-your-face cameras, and then you have to ask yourself how many cameras are really out on the street. I mean, with ring cameras, now every house has a camera. Every ring cameras. So you bust into the front, the door, the back. There's a ring camera in the neighbor that's going to pick you up.

So all those type of crimes, there's a high end, like not high end. Those are like low percentage crimes because there's a high percentage. You're going to get caught. Right. You're going to get caught. You're going into somebody's house. These people doing breakings into people's homes now in the area. It's fucking crazy.

They'll always be a mafia. They'll always be a Russian mob. They'll always be a triad. They'll always be a yakuza. They'll always be, you know. What's the fuck do I know? Yeah, it's just crazy. Like I'll be,

I'll live my entire life and never know. Like I'm like near like a like I just say like that world will never be something I understand. No, you're not supposed to understand. You're supposed to leave this world and standing yourself and your path and your journey. The world, if you sit here and try to figure it out, especially in today's world,

you're going to have a heart attack. You know, again, there's so much information. thrown at you on a daily fucking basis that that's why people losing their minds. Yeah. That's why people losing their minds right in front of you. Weathermen are snapping.

They just fired Rob Bonsiano from life. I don't know. He had an anger tantrum. Listen, man, there's a lot of pressure on the American right now. Now you got to vote. That's pressure. This summer. Fucking everything is high.

Gas, this, that. People like, well, we can't go to fucking Florida this year. You can't go to Disney this year. We'll have to rent the fucking tent like the intruders. What do you call these people? The migrants. The campus fucking rioters. Oh, them.

Okay. They're all out there. A little encampments and shit. You know, it's going to be tough. And people are angry. They get information thrown at them. You know, yeah, and I came down here. I was up late, like 1215.

You know, I was up late one night. I come down, I'm going through the channels. And it's 12.15 at night. Give it a break. There was still three political shows on there, yelling. One's about the protesters. One's about the Trump, harsh money, and the other one's about the fucking Jews.

And you're like, sit there going. It's 12.15 at night. It's 12. 15. And I put a commercial on where you sell fucking, you know, purses to whatever. I don't give a fuck, but it's 12, 15 at night. And there's times I've been on the road, and you fall asleep and wake up at five. And it's a political show and they're arguing at five in the fucking morning.

The last thing I want to do is wake up at five in the fucking morning. Listen, it's this, my life is this simple now. If something's starting to disturb me, I look at my whoop watch. If my stress level goes up, that's it. I move the fuck on. I control my life through whoop now. I ain't fucking around no more. And there's no, me.

I was thinking, I, I wonder how this wouldn't affect your stress level. So I went, I did a show last night. Okay. But the venue had like gendered, like, like completely gender neutral bathroom. So it was either one room with urinals and one room with stalls, I had to take a, like, I had to take a shit. And they're like, I didn't know what to, like, I've never shit with a woman in the room before. They've smelled it before. They got dads.

They got grandpas. They got everything. uncles. Would you do that? Would you go to a bathroom like that? If it's a gender shared bathroom? Yeah. Absolutely. Listen, I don't go to a bathroom at the airport where regular people go. They got those little side bathrooms. You got to look for them. You're going there by yourself.

They got one for you and your kid. That's the first one I know. I'll fucking take my pants off, take a tremendous shit, wipe. Your luggage is there. You can watch a movie in there. It's a nice bathroom. And you don't have to smell somebody else is nonsense. Because when you walk into a bathroom at an airport, that's worse for you to smoke in 20 cigarettes. As you walk

in as a man to a men's bathroom in any fucking state, especially like 8 in the morning, where you're going to get hit with in your nose, is 20 different shit odors. And when you walk out of there, you don't even fucking know what's going on for a minute. You're like, what the fuck was that?

I refuse to go to a bathroom in those places. Really? Yeah. What would you do? I go to the fucking transgender bathroom. I go to the bathroom with the fucking, with a kid. You know,

it says family bathroom. That's me. That's me. That's your lounge. You're not a family. Yes, I am. My wife and kid over there.

They came in first. We all peed together and they left. All right. That's an American family. Mind your business. I swear to God, I won't. If you look at any terminal,

you'll see them. Oh, I've seen them. I just thought you had to be a family. People just don't go in them because they think they're going to throw you under the jam. Yeah. Go with him. Has anyone ever said shit to you?

One time I walked out of a bathroom and there was like a family from some other country. And they were smelling. I just blew a tremendous fun thing. I just got off a plane. That's what it was. I just got off a plane at LAX. It was early. I was holding it in because I'm not going to shit in the bathroom on a plane.

You wouldn't do that? No, that's embarrassing. What do you have to? No, I go with, that's why you don't go to Popeye's chicken before you fly. Sometimes it's, you don't eat nothing that you could take a chance before you fly. What do you have to? You have to in your house, in your house. You drink that, you get a half hour early, you drink that coffee, you flush your system,

you go in the fucking bathroom, you take your little hoarse shit, and then you get in the car and you fly to the airport, whatever the fuck you're going to do. Click your heels, I don't fucking know. Yeah, but sometimes you have. have to take a shit. I don't do it a lot. But would you shit your pants on a plane? No, I've never been in that position. Knock on wood.

I can't imagine not shitting. About, about, not this time. Like three times ago when I went to Austin, I'm sitting there. And this chick didn't move to both flight. Like, she sat next to me and just put like a bunch of towels on her hair and fucking blankets.

And I was like, this is the weirdest thing ever. The girl came the service breakfast she didn't want breakfast but there's like an hour from landing 45 minutes from landing this girl gets up and goes in that bathroom i tell you how long she was in there for there was four fucking people wait for like 20 minutes and this girl came out everybody came out of that bathroom after we're like what and she went back i went in there like after six people and there was still blood in the bathroom like this chick had a kid in the bathroom something and everybody somebody complained to the store this that the bathroom was a fucking mess yeah there's blood all over

the back blood on the back of the toilet seat like her ass all exploded i don't know what happened i don't want to know but i i just can't listen i'll take a dump on a family bathroom it's big they got fans in there you know they try but all those other places when you sit in that stall first of all as soon as you sit in that stall 200 people been ass cheeks on their stall with rashes, pimples on their asses, and now you're going to see a look on your face.

I try not to have to think about it. Some guy sits on a toilet, on a white head, and when he lands, the white that explodes, you come in after that and sit on that fucking toilet. And then you put your balls in the water

with 400,000 men put that balls in the water. So now when your sweet wife sniffs your balls, she sniffs the balls of 40,000, on men. So, but all this is preventable. That's what. I go into the fucking

handicap bath. But you still have balls in the handicap bath? No, I don't. I never put my ball in the toilet. You don't put my, what trick do you use in the handicap in the family room? Like, why can't just do that in the regular population? My balls in my nuts in case

somebody drops a bomb on the airport. Oh. You got to be prepared. I guess so. What's with the questions, anyway? Anyway, what's going on in the world of comedy this week? This is of an exciting week. I have a show tonight at Williamsburg Comedy Club, but then to do, I'm doing, what is it, six shows of with like,

A, the funniest people, but like, like, my friend, like, you, I don't know if you remember, but it was you, Steve and I at the Wilbur. So, like, to do, like, shows with you guys again, it's going to be awesome and then join Philadelphia with Josh. That's why I'm excited because it's me you and Steve. Yeah, it's so much fun. I can giggle. We could get high on the way

there. He tell stories on the way back. People have no, you know, but when are you going to do it again? Never. I don't fucking know. You know, people call me like, you didn't tell me I didn't know. Mealy had a conversation. He told me he reminded

me because I tell you all the time. Remind me the week out. you know, you tell me May 15th, I'm like, okay, yeah. And all of a sudden, May 15th comes along. And nobody reminds me of shit, you know, and, uh, so as you called you are down. Like, all right, so where are you? You said, here and then. I looked around and I asked Simone, and Simone goes, I could come up and I go, fuck it.

Let's just book. We go in there, we do what we got and we get the fuck out. I ain't got 45 minutes. I'm doing it in a tell 30. that's all you need. And listen, that's all I got. But I get out with you guys. I get to be some comedy.

I get to watch you. See what the fuck you're up to. You know, and it's nice. I get out of the house. I get out of the house a couple nights this week. My Batchie ball league starts up Tuesday. Hey,

that's again. Yeah. Fucking Wednesday night, I got the thing. There is not I got the thing. So I'm pretty fucking excited this week. I get to get out. That's it. The sun's going to start coming out again.

So, you know. I'm good. That's awesome. I started like Oz epic this week, not like the generic version because you were talking about how expensive things are. Like I tried to get like that name brand, 1,100 a week, a month. I couldn't. It's ridiculous what they're doing with it now. And the way you have to do, anybody could order they call peptides.

Okay, I can get peptides. It's a peptide. Oh, that's what it is. Cigna mold to it, whatever they say. Yeah. There's a peptide, like that. And there's another one like 157, which repairs tissue and promotes recovery. They have thousands of peptides.

If you go to the right people, they'll get the peptides from a notable company, not the people on Instagram and fucking, you know, a notable company. Somebody that they trust that they've worked with before. and they could shoot you for a third of the cost. That's what people have no idea. And I got lucky because I found, and like, she's smart.

I looked her up. The woman who's, I'm doing it through is a registered nurse with the University of Miami. And all she does now is she has like a little, like our old office spaces. She just sits there. The first time she teaches you how to do this shot,

you have to do the shot yourself, which is terrifying. But it was a third, literally a third of the price. And it was only my first time, but I did notice, like, a difference in, like, how I felt. What did you get your higher? No. No, I'm not going to.

What am I supposed to do? What you do is take some of these ABX caps. I'm going to shoot you next time. Tell us, shoot you with a dose of that. That goes into yourselves. Can you imagine? That's the future. I think that might be the first OD.

What, ABX edible? No, not ABX specifically, but. shooting up an edible. It's a joke. I know it's a joke. It's a joke, but the future is coming. Somebody's going to put together a THCIV any day. There's a kid in fucking Russia, Germany, Puerto Rico.

There's a kid right now. It's like, listen, there's a better way to do this shit. You know, the marijuana industry didn't get better by people not trying to see outlets. You know, two years ago, we had T. THC inhalers. Did they work? Not really. But at least somebody gave it a try, you know, and that's what's going to happen.

None of those IV companies have, like, a THC trip? You would think they would? Not yet. I don't think you could shoot THC into your bloodshed. I'm not sure. I'm not a doctor. I'm a fucking stoner and I'm a R-rated comic. So don't fucking, you know, Joey said you could know.

I didn't say that next thing you know, you're drinking bleach because fucking Trump told you to me. I was just thinking that. Do you remember that? And it's like, don't meant, you have to give fucking 20 times. You have to tell people. But people have done weirder things. I mean, what's his name, snorted ants? Right.

Well, they have, and they have, like, because I did a show at one in Minneapolis. It was like a weed, but it was a bar. Like, and all they had was edible drinks. And they had tinctures and they made it into drinks. But you would think they're going to have that with everything. Did you ever drink a tincter? Yeah. Yeah, we did.

We did everything. You would, but you would, you're supposed to put them into water. and you would just shoot it down the arm out. You would just have it open up. Like, this is like, so much some eight ounces of the water. What do you want to fucking dilute it for? Because it's supposed to be like a sip.

A sip. It's not a sip. I did it one morning, like at 10 in the morning, somebody put in water correctly. Right. With club soda or something. I drank,

like three hours later. I'm like, that ain't shit. About seven hours later. I was like, what have I done? Yeah. I was pretty whacked up.

I was pretty fucking whacked up. I was thinking about you on the drive up. What, like, if you were going to rank your favorite, what would, like, what would be your favorite? Weed mushroom. Like, what, like, is there one that, like, you love more? Listen, I've always loved the feeling of marijuana, what it does for me. That's always been my, since I'm 21, I'm like, I don't think I could live without it.

I made a constant decision. Like, listen, now I get up in the mornings. The first four bonkets knocked my wig off. But they get me going. They get me in the shower. They get me to eat breakfast. They get me to the gym. Maybe I'll do two bunks before the gym.

That'll get me to the gym. For that, I'm just chasing. You know, if I take a breather from it and then at night, if I switch in dickers, Then I'll get high again for a little while for the 8 o'clock TV rush. Maybe enough to get me to eat. So if you didn't. If you didn't get high,

you wouldn't have the motivation to do things? I didn't say that. It's something like that, but it's a very, it plans out my day for me. Wow. It really does let me know, you know,

I'm sick of saying this. But it's the truth. The great Bill Hicks said, Pot doesn't make you lazy. It just makes you realize that what you're going to do ain't worth the fucking emphasis, okay? That's a great joke. That's a great joke.

And the reason why it's so great is because it's very true. At least for somebody like me, it never made me lazy. You've seen me. I go to work, Jack, but it levels out my day. Like right away, my day becomes a schedule. Okay, this schedule starts Let me go for a walk

It's 80 degrees Let me go for a walk Let me get a little vitamin D To get the blood going I know I got to send an email I know I got to put this audition on tape I know I got to put a podcast

I got a thousand things to do But it's 80 degrees Let me get out Move a little bit Get a little vitamin D Baboom clear Shift You got an idea

While you're walking Pop your phone Bap blah blah on the memo And keep walking with weed i don't have any of that that's the morning meditation for me and then my day gets planned down and what i don't want to do gets eliminated that weed gives me the the motivation to put together a lie get out of whatever situation i'm in that day to make my day run smoother because sometimes I plan a bunch of shit, you know, one of the time, you know, 12.

I got out of that 12. I got out of that one. I come home, take a shower. I got something at 2.30. And I got to be home from Mercy at 3.15. Something's got a break. So maybe the 2.30 guy, listen, we'll do it tomorrow. Maybe the 2 o'clock.

We'll do it tomorrow. When people call me to have meetings, I always don't make a day meeting. I go, let's talk. That night, let's talk the night before. So I know where to put it. But when I wake up in the morning is when I go, this is what I'm doing and this is what I'm not doing.

I've been going up north for three months. I have not been in North Bergen since February. Clipside Park, Rudy, since February. Once a week, I wake up and I go, today's the day I go up north. I got to go to my mother's cemetery. I got to do this.

I got to see this guy. I get up, I look around, I know, I ain't going. That's an hour drive up and back. And I'm in a car and it's nice out. You know, we live in a fucking, I live in Jersey dog. And the weekend's suck. The weeks are beautiful. I've never seen anything like this in all of my goddamn life.

Why do the weekend suck? Because it rains. Every week? Like clockwork. one of the two days uh look at yesterday it rained like half the day

and it was cloudy today it's going to be fucking 80 degrees maybe 90 then it rains Wednesday Thursday a little Friday off and then Saturday and Sunday again now yeah one of those days will get sunlight

but you better bet your ass it ain't going to be Saturday a Sunday. Last weekend was nice. I got such a sunburn last week that it burnt through my skin here and on my face. I couldn't even put my sleep at me. Look, I still got scared. Pulled off my fucking forehead from the sun.

At least I built a fucking layer of skin under there. You said that last week. I don't think that's how skin works. Anyway, it doesn't matter. Do I listen to a doctor's? Again, I'm an Rated comic, and I'm a stone, and I'm a dad. Thank God. What I wanted to talk to you about, Uh-huh. Well, really happening comedy last week. I keep thinking that people keep using this as a crutch is what Seinfeld said.

He's probably, you know, he's promoting the show. So obviously he's been going on interviews and he's been very vocal. I haven't listened to any of interviews, but I did read where he said that piece of comedy is done or something like that because of political correctness on the left or the right, which until this day, at 61, I don't know what the left to the right is or that I don't really give a fuck. And it's really crazy when I hear that statement because there was a period for about three months

that I thought about stand-up comedy. I wasn't doing it. Guys, all I got is stand-up. You know what I'm saying? It's like I collect butterflies. It's not like I go hunting. It's not like I... This was, I was a student of comedy.

I'm very proud to say I was always a very good student of comedy. Before I got on stage, I had fear before I went out and got on a professional stage. When I was behind jail, I had no fear because there was nobody watching, except a bunch of criminals. But when it was time to really get on stage, I prepared how I thought was best. And I watched it. It was a stand-up. Hours and hours of stand-up.

And I read books and I, you know, tried to write and I, you know, went to comedy shows. It was like when I got into comedies, when I started really going to comedy and watching people and going, oh shit, then I went to a couple comedy shows and said, this guy's terrible.

I don't know what these people are talking about. I may be doing comedy for six months, but this is a horror show, you know. So, but I've always been a fucking student of the game. And I really appreciate clean comedy. John Mullaney is one of my favorites.

And I appreciate Andrew. I appreciate Kennison. and I appreciate Hicks. You know, I appreciate a lot of fucking guys. But as a comic, somewhere in the podcast era, and when you do something with TV, you forget the essence of comedy.

The essence of comedy is an outlaw. We were always known as outlaws. There was a room. It was a burlesque, a fucking magician that wanted for fucking rape somewhere. Because they're always wanted to parade magician. You hate magicians. No, I don't hate them, but they, you know,

they make things disappear. And then you had comedians, and they each had their, it was an alcohol like this. And then you put that up in vaudeville, and you look at the essence of a comic and what, you know, they found stones with people doing comedy

and the fucking, you know, cave men and shit, they were like, whatever. So it's been around. Entertainment's been around forever. All this comedy. and I'm like, it's like going out with a gun

and putting two securities on it. Like putting the security on the trigger and then having to take your key up before the guy shoots you to unlock the thing to double check. You know, comics have been tippy towing a lot around that. And when I got back on stage,

I didn't tippy toe. And I got to be honest with you, right off the bat, I got a couple of mixed reactions. and it like threw me for a loop. Like I was like, this quick. Like this quick, it changed the tide. Was it people who didn't know you, do you think? Yes and no.

Like when I went to do the thing with Burr, I went off a little bit and I could see people in the front like just petrified. And I'm like, I'm in New Jersey. Wow. Okay. And then I did something with Atlantic City was a washout with George. It bombed. But there was something I did.

Burtz. Oh, okay. And what happened there? Did you think everyone there would love you? A lot of audience members did, but there was a lot of younger people never looked like looking at me. And that's my biggest insecurity as a comic to that.

Young people? Because I look old. No. I look old and I shouldn't be there. When an old guy, when a 23-year-old goes up there and talks about sex, it's acceptable because he's 23. when a 61-year-old

so I always tip to all around sex I don't talk about sex number it's gross it's gross to me when a guy my age goes up to why if I want to grow like I have I've been writing a thing where I have sexual fantasies I just can't fulfill them right

that's funny I'm a bum I'm a bum when it comes to that shit you know I'll bring my wife down she'll tell you herself so uh let's time for a mushroom a little dummy we just we already took some mushroom. Now, you took two pieces

of fucking chocolate. Yeah, too. You got to eat the whole bar to get warmed up. This is sillies, guys. The flavor is this. Louis, Louie, oh yeah, baby. 4 grams and eat back. No, this is just a little piece. What's the matter? I think there's 4 grams. This isn't

4 grams. No, that's what I said. Why is it already? I don't know. I'll give me the 4. Oh, oh, this is good. Hey, have a little. Can't walk on one leg. It's Tuesday. seven the Mayo you know what I feel that

I was talking to a comic Sunday morning I'm not going to fucking sit here drop the name he called me to ask me about something and we would discuss some Cat Williams special how he had the ideas but he didn't pull the trigger

and it's very weird when you when you're a young comic and you have nothing you know, and you're starting out. I've seen young comics say shit that I was like, oh, and they're never allowed to work at the club again at the open mic.

It's a coffee shop and they're doing something weird. Yeah. But when you've worked this hard to lose it for saying a joke or whatever, I mean, I feel, I've always felt that Kat Williams' Michael Jackson bit is one of the best bits of all time.

It's a fucking 10-minute rant That is brilliant on every fucking level, how he broke it down. If you're going to talk about somebody, break down the levels and build them together and draw a picture. And he did. That opens up with him talking about Little Kim, not being a snitch. And it turns into Michael Jackson. Then it closes with him bringing women to his house with Alizay and pillows. It's a great bit because he pulled the trigger.

And he pulled the trigger in front of a black audience on Michael Jackson, which really, chopped him down the middle and he kept pushing it until he kind of won him 60, 40, and then he closed with that. And it wasn't it even, not only did he do it in front of a black audience, but I don't remember the year the special came up, but was Michael alive? Yeah.

Like it was a different time like now, like people who would still get upset now. He was alive and chicken. Like that's, and that's what I was going to say is not that open mic because I'm an open micer. We should be allowed to say what we want, but the difference that I've seen is open micers. We'll say something, like almost just to get the response to say.

And it's a natural thing to do because if you're an open mic or I see you up to four or five times, you're not taking those shots, that this is all part of it. And one time you're going to take those shots at a cool. And one time you're going to go over the level, like I'm sure I did. I'm very positive, but I went over a level one night. Could have been in Seattle. And I don't remember at the contest. at the Seattle comedy competition.

It could have been anywhere because that's where I learned my things. And then I would look at people, I wouldn't say that. Even though I, you know what I talk about, I would look at people and say, I wouldn't go that way. And if you're going to go that way, make it a little bit more colorful. You know, PC is what you want it to be and where you're at. I respect the hell out of Nate Bargarts.

He does fucking great clean comedy man. he looks good up there, you know, his delivery, you know, he only does comedy that everybody could go watch. And I respect that. I respect the hell out of that. I'm never bad mouth, a clean comic, anything like that. Magician, yeah. Not a clean comic that does magic. Yeah, how bad mouth them.

His dad is a magician just so you know. Who? Nate Bargettsey's dad is a magician. Yeah. I didn't know that. But Nate Bargatz, he's brilliant. I like his shows. He's in arenas now, and he's doing these perfect shows.

And it works for him. And I guess that's sort of like why I asked you if the people who had that reaction to you were like your fans. Because it really, that really. No, they weren't my fans. I was just starting out. Oh. But I'm just saying like you build your audience. Three years ago.

Listen, man, I go out some nights. And I've been home for three days, you know, talking. with 11 year old and my wife my neighbor whoever I talked to with the gym who I talked to in jujitsu and everybody's pretty you know calm every once in a while I could say some crazy shit

but for the most part some nights I go out to Uncle Vinnie's and some nights I go out there like a fucking animal I've been in the house for fucking four nights so as soon as I get down there after that joint after that drive listening to Madonna burning up over and over or Allison

change when I get on stage I jump on them and I forget that they only had two guys before. I'm only doing like sad piece and I could see their faces. It's like, what a fuck. And I'll open up with something just because I want them to know what time it is. I don't want no charades. I was never a charade guy. I want you to know what time it is.

So I fucking come out with something that they're going to go, and the way I say it, it's what my, heartened my balls. So they never have a, at least I commit to it. Right. And, but it's also not filled with hate. That takes 10 years. And it's not filled with hate.

There's a smile on my face. I'm giggling. I'm baffled. You know, I'm back, but I'm not going to go up there and say, da, that, that, that, that, that, that, you, it's like people with hecklers. Okay. I'm not in business to get into an argument with heckler.

I'm not. I've never been in that business. I've made some mistakes. I've made some really bad mistakes. But they're all justifiable. But I never based my act on that. On getting heggled? Yeah, like I never based my act on

fighting with hecklers. But there was one night I was opening up with Joe, man, and some fucking guy didn't like Joe. He didn't like any of us. And he told his wife, he was going to go drink him, with his friends and right before the show he came with his girlfriend with his wife and her girlfriends so he was just pissed and he was just there and fucking let's wait too little short

joe rogan comes on stage and all this shit so i think duncan opened the show and i went up after duncan he started on me and i knew what i like i had already broken him down i was watching him i knew what he was doing there was eight women in him and he was hammett that means he was at his friends, but he couldn't believe his girlfriend was going out to see Joe Rogan. This is 15 years ago. Before I met you, it was me, Ari, and Joe at either the Brea or the Irvine Improv. And watch them. I'm going, this is the type of fucking dude that his dad didn't whip him with a belt.

Look at this. He's upset because his girlfriend wants to go. I can see if she said, I'm going to steal 54. I'd be upset. It's girls, man. We're going to 3.54 in a limo. You know, Lisa's boyfriend owns a hotel in the city. And I'm like, oh, here we go.

But she's going to a county show, and then they're going right back to Lisa. They probably had a kid together. Bro, they took him out, arrested him. They fucking threw him on a cop car. And as he was leaving, the wife was outside crying. And she goes, he did this a month ago. Oh, no.

So why, then why do you incite this guy? Stay home. or get a new boyfriend. Well, that's, and luckily, like, that's not PC. Like, unfortunately, people are just fucking drunk. Well, yeah, yeah, people are drunk, but I think a comic, especially young comics, because I know a lot of comics listen to this podcast.

I know that you're out there talking to him. It's for right now, do your shit. Do you. It's very hard to do and become. It's very hard to become and be you. It takes time and it takes a lot of work because we're forgetting.

Like if you get into comedy at 2832, you're still developing as a man. So, but the one thing that needs to develop is if you're going to go up there and say something that's on PC and you know it. You know it already. You're not a fucking moron.

At least code it. code it a little bit more and say it confidently like this is your belief you really fucking believe this you know because if not they're gonna see right through and they might not disagree with you or agree with you but they respect that you had a voice let's see it's fine because you were i don't feel like i'm i have like the personality to be like as dirty or like even like swear as much you. Now that I'm not a clean comic by any means, but like, I don't know, I just, when I see

you and I see me, I'm like, I don't think I could say fuck that much and have it be like believable. So like I've been working on like stuff like that, like do, if I say stuff like that with confidence I don't know, it seems false to me. If I got a lot of fucking emails on Patreon,

Facebook, you know, Twitter, Not that many on Instagram from people like with comedy shit. Okay. And people ask me simple questions that if they would have asked me when I was doing comedy eight years or ten years, I would have been stumped. But I understood the journey now a lot better than I did 20 years ago. And part of the journey is getting to know you so you can represent you the best way you can on stage. And you might not always get laughs, but at least you're working on the,

the best muscle you can, which is being you. I don't want you to go up there and say you don't like tuna fish. If you eat tuna fish. Right. I don't want you to go up there and make up a joke. Like, go up there and fake that you don't like when your wife has orgasm. And you don't have a life.

And you don't have a wife. You know, a thousand things. It took me years to get away from the cocaine chitter chatter. And I did for years. And guess what? I brought it back this year a little bit. And I'm having fun with it. it because now I look at it a lot differently than when I looked at being off Coke eight years ago.

It's been 17 years and now I look at it completely different. The shit I was doing at the end of fucking, you know, it was just, and I'd laugh. I made it funny in my head. It's like if you watch Scarface enough, it becomes a comedy. Hold on one second. Let's go to a word from our sponsors. We'll be right back. We want to talk to you this week about Better Help.

I'll see you in a minute. Hey, Uncle Joey here, and I want to talk to you about something that, listen, I was with them about two years ago, and today I feel a lot better because I do the exercises that they worked with me on. And to be honest, this episode is also brought to you by that, and I'm talking about Better Health. When's the last time you really, really celebrated a win? Therapy can help you not lose those moments.

moments pass you by. Better helps online therapy helps empower you and teaches you to set boundaries and helps you to learn positive coping skills. That's what I did. I didn't get no better. I just learned how to deal with it. And I understood that life's got his little things and I got mine and we're going to have to meet halfway in the middle. That's what I learned from better help. So do yourself a favor. I love that better help is 100% online. I'm going to tell you why. Because you can plan sessions around your busy schedule, after work when you want to vent before work, do therapy from on your couch or on the go while you drink your favorite coffee or tea, whatever works for you.

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That's betterhelp.com slash Diaz. Listen, if they taught me to learn how to cope with certain situations, they'll do better for you because you guys came from a nice house and stuff like that. Anyway, go to betterhelp.com slash Diaz to get 10% off your first month. now let's get back to the show with Lee and doing whatever we were doing. We're back, Jack. Anyway, we were talking about PC

or being a comic. Right now, I just want you to work your game. It's like people who go to Jiu-Jitsu and they're good at it. And when you bump into them at the supermarket, you're like, what happened? I'm scared of getting to hurt. Well, if you ever got on a bicycle

and go downhill, you know, you're not scared of falling off the bike and you have fucking head. These are all the chances you take And these are all part of growth This is all part of growth So for a while I had a guy in my ear Years ago Joey, you're older, you gotta stop going to

Jiu-Jitsu, you're gonna break this and that And for a while I was believing it And I would go to Jiu-Zitsu and I'm like, oh, today and a day And guess what would happen? I'd get hurt Because if you're gonna dwell there, then you're gonna be there And it's the same with fucking comedy If you're going to go up on stage and worry about bombing,

you know what? You're going to have 10 shows in your life that you should worry about bombing. It's none of the shit you're doing now. You know what I'm saying? Like in 30 years, there was 10 nights that my sense mattered. And the first 10 years of it, I'm lying to you. My showcase at the comedy store. That mattered.

showcase for the Seattle comedy competition. That kind of mattered. But for 10 years, the first five or six, it didn't matter. You're at Helen's Comedy Kitchen. Do you think somebody's going to come up to you 20 years from now and go, man, I saw you at Helen's Comedy Kitchen the night you bomb. But that's how you think. I used to get pissed if I bombed at open mics.

No. open mic I learned like the third year especially when I came to New York I started in Denver guys so I wasn't a very secluded market it was a one comedy it was a comedy works in Denver

had an open mic three minutes and comedy works in Fort Collins had an open mic three minutes everybody else was bar shows and fucking coffee shops and poetry readings and what we're talking about We're talking about, um, bombing.

No, but going to New York and, and the open mics. So here I was secluded in fucking Denver. I knew the, and at that time I would drive to Kansas City. From Denver? On Sunday nights and do the Stafford's comedy club.

And that was a nightmare. Because a lot of times you drove now, you didn't get on stage. Really? It was a bucket. However the guy fell. Come on, guys. Please.

So you didn't know. So I came to New York and reality set in when I would walk into a bar and go, hi, my name is Joey Dears. I'm visiting here from Denver. I like to do a spot. And they're like, absolutely. I'm like, really? Yeah. It opened up that book.

How about Thursday at 6.30? Okay, you want to do 10 minutes? Okay. And on the way out, they go, don't forget, 10 people for 10 minutes. And you're like, 10 people. What the fuck are you talking about? Yeah, you got to bring 10 people. And guess what I did it?

I did a stand-up in New York. I did New York Comedy Club at the time. There was a couple clubs that I would ask my friends. I need you guys. I'm in a pinch and they would go, okay. And I would do it. But it was so easy, but you always had a, there was always a by the way.

I'm going to a comic strip with Lucius, God rest of the soul. And he gave me a pamphlet, like a fucking booklet. And he's like, you could do spots every night. If you'd like, take this. Come back. when you sell them all. And I'm like, what? And there were two for one tickets.

And that's how you got stage time? Yeah, that's how you got stage time. For every ticket you sold, you got ten seconds. And then if you did ten of them, Lucius would see you. And maybe you could be a regular at the club. Come on, man. It was a crime. So

when I went, I looked and I was like, you know, I told you, I would do open mics at 11 o'clock at night. Your spot is at 2.15. 2.15 a.m. and you're out there. This is I don't even think there's a late night open mic in New York. There's a couple, not many, but there's like 11 p.m. No, this shit, this is when they started at midnight, went through 3.30.

And sometimes four to pick up the people, when they came out of fucking strip club, they got a hand job. You'd be on stage and you see a chick's hand going up and down. Fucking just insane. But once I saw 10 months of that, I'm like, this shit's got to end. I got to go back to Denver because now I know what my mission is. This is a lot rough of them where I was. For a long time, I'm like, damn, I don't get enough state time.

Whoa, Nelly, this was too much state time. I got to bring too many fucking horses to the stable. This, I just have a friend. I call them up. They tells me how many minutes I could do. And I have my three of those guys. So it's a process. It takes a fucking long time and just swing with it.

You know, I have an email you there. That's the email the other day. Somebody said to me, why didn't I ever do Letterman or Leno or something? Sometimes, you know, I get like 20 of these. So it takes me a couple days because I've got to think about it. And guys, I write these for the book. You know, we're going to start going through the podcast pretty soon, myself and Erica, and getting all the gems we put on here.

The purpose of this podcast was to come out with comedy ways from an open mic or a feature act to a headliner for you. to make your comedy journey a lot easier. I'm not here to make it harder or to lie to here or to be Johnny Genius. I'm not. We're just trying to talk about the open mic process. Because recently, I had to get back on stage

after a big layoff. And it's the same thing. I feel like an open mic or not. I don't still have the weapons I had at the comedy stores before the pandemic. I'm the first guy to tell you. I'm not going to lie to it. If I had eight weeks at Rogan's Club,

I will get it. But I don't have eight weeks. I'm a dad. I got to be around. I got to learn. She's on an age. How big she gets it? She's huge.

He's like turning into like a real person. Yeah. Like done. Oh my God. So yeah. But it's good. Like do you have like, do you see growth every time you go to Austin or every time you do like a bunch of shows?

It's time. They're delicious. Oh no. That's delicious. Too's enough. I swear God you can see. That's all I could think. I was like you have to eat it because it's right on camera.

Because if you don't get people are going to drive. That's right. We'll do one more. That's three and two pieces of chocolate. One of the other. I ate five of those cats. I've never had three of those things. What the fuck? It looks like my fungi toenail that thing.

What the one is? This one's got left down. It's huge. I eat a half. Don't worry. You have a little half. I'm staying on this couch on it. Okay.

It says who. it's fine. Anyway, while he contemplates large, I already told him, I got him a hospital bed. I could call him tonight and get you there tonight, though.

I think you might need to. To have anti-halusinogenics and they have an IV. Look at this thing. And I gave you the certifiable. Eat that. Eat that. Yeah, so what?

I'll need another room at the morgue after evening. What are you talking? Eat this. Can you imagine what would happen? Stodum. Yeah, it's a fucking, I love how they put this in the edible bag. No, in the mushroom bag, fillies, but leaves and freshness. That's very nice of them.

So, but if you eat them together, it's a different demand. It's like eating an extended, it's like eating expired viking. You know what I'm saying? You're back by Tuesday. It's fucking Sunday. That's right. I already told you this was magical mystery week, too. This is what this little two shows and us.

doing a couple of videos. It's called the magical mystery week. Lee's concerned about his job. So listen. Tell the job to send overnight to pick up the computer and the rental car keys. It's old. Look, they don't have a rental car.

Come on, let's go. Come on. Oh, Jesus Christ. It's fucking Tuesday or seven. You're not going to eat it. How one is it going to take you? I'll take it. Not a bite. Eat the pouch. That's like a zen. Not in your pouch. Oh, this is two together.

You have a bit. That's why it's how fucking back. God damn it. I still got it. No, you don't. That's a bullshit. I still got it. And you try to throw me off with the pack.

Oh, fucking, all long they care about the humidity in the bag. You need to... No wonder you want to eat it so fast. Quick, quick. You're quick. All right, don't eat the heat.

Don't eat that one. What am I supposed to eat? Eat the Zen. The Zen? Yeah, just eat it, like swallow it like I did. Oh, that's a Zen? That's not a Zen. You eat that.

I will have to take it to the hopper. The mushroom and not much. Unbelievable what I got to deal with people. See this? It's a celebration. This guy shows up like, you know, like Maury's wings. He was all concerned.

Did he die? He's conservative where the money is. Before we make it, I only want to make it. It's one in the pool, I think. Just another Tuesday morning, motherfuckers. You know what I'm saying? Sorry about the location change. We're in the basement of death.

We're in the voodoo lounge three. We usually do this in the other room, but since we're together, we're doing this right here, right now for you motherfuckers. On a Tuesday, well, this poor bus making noises. What are you making noise? Right now, I feel like that scene and fucking,

trading places when the brother is dying and he's interviewing people he's like your brother's dying i don't give a fuck and he's like this this poor bastard at the end of the movie when the fucking yeah when they lose their fortune but look at him he's over there for six minutes making noises looking at the zen pouch giving me for two minutes he thought it was really a zen pouch yeah and he's like it's like it's like winter green i wouldn't be surprised if you made a fake zen that's something yeah that's a zen I don't want to Zinn. All right. You mix a listen. A little Zen with a fucking mushroom cap.

I got fucked up. You've seen how many drugs I eat. I had a Zen one time and that shit was crazy. I almost pute. Twice it fucking killed me. I can't eat them no more. One time I went to eat sushi with Rogan and he parked like a half a mile. It was uphill. I go, God damn it.

And sure enough we eat and all of something goes, you want a Zen? I go, yeah, and as I'm eating, and I go, sure enough, as I'm walking up that hill, I start fucking sweating profusiously because it just hit me. I don't know how many milligrams in that motherfucker, but whatever it was, and by the time

I got to his car, I couldn't stop sweating, I couldn't stop huffing and puffing him out and sit outside the car and get out, drink a bunch of water. It was horrible. One day, I took one by mistake, and I went to Jiu-Jitsu. How did he take his in by mistake? Because you get involved. You do long hits, people are talking to you,

and all something. There's a zin. God damn it. I got to go fucking do things. Now I'm all zinned up. Never had that happen. Yeah, you get zim. You know,

and I got a thousand other things going through my system. I'm doing bonkets. I got edible from the night before. I microdose edibles three nights a week. You do not microdose. Yes, I do.

Since when? People have been dropping mushrooms on me. And I started just at night, eating a cap here. And I went to a gram a night. And now I'm at a gram a gram, nights a week. That doesn't sound like micro.

I think people take like micrograms. I thought it was a gram. I don't think they, no, I think a gram is like a lot of a month. If you need a microgram, nothing's going to happen in your life, except you're going to shit purple eventually. I'm going to get stuck in your ass.

Eventually. But yeah, dude, a gram is a lot for some people. Like, what do we just eat? Who knows? It's something. I would like someone to know. It's Monday night.

Who knows what night it is? Yeah, we ate. this, that this, you know, I get the heavy-duty dose. Last night, I'm trying to get mushrooms Sunday, but the guy didn't call me back. I had Saturday night, I found a bag in that little thing next to my sleeper there, that little chair of love. I found a little sack that had an ounce of mushrooms in that one time.

And I was popping those grams at night. And on the bottom was two fingers of dust, of mushroom dust. and a little couple of dried up caps you know like when they go to the bottom. Who doesn't find that at their house? Yes, I did. I fucking took a bottle of water and I sat there at about 8.30.

I ripped it open. It was tasted like that. It was like eating dust on an island. You know what I'm saying? But I did it in two swigs. And I had the weirdest dreams last night. What did you dream about? I don't remember, but there was a reason.

Fuck. Do you realize that like some people Like we just wouldn't eat that jar? What? Like some people just wouldn't. Like you don't have to eat the jar random mushroom dust. It wasn't a jar. It was a baggie. Oh, I'm sorry.

Okay. It was the bottom. It was two inches of dust. It was a lot of dust. It was a lot of dust. I fell asleep very easily. I didn't need the Michael Jackson T or nothing. I went upstairs.

And, I fell asleep. And I remember waking up, like, maybe 1.32 going, ooh, things are happening in these dreams tonight. You know what I'm saying? Like, I had to pee or something, and I had to get back to the dream. Like, I didn't even finish peeing. I said, fuck it.

I'll finish when I get to the bathroom at whatever party I was going to, whatever. That's how good the dream was. When I woke up at 5.30, the cat wasn't there. You know, yeah, because when I get up at night, the cat's usually there. But then I go pee and come back, he won't move. She. You saw she came down here before. I see what we were doing.

The light scattered. She's like, I'm out of here. I don't want to be on camera. You ain't paying me sag rates. I love it. I love seeing gray. It's great to see everyone when I come down. No, it's great to have you come down.

And now we'll do the show. Whenever you come down, we'll have a little home. I've been trying to look for a home down here, something, you know, small that I don't, listen. I love to go into a restaurant with a nice menu and have people sit and eat and do comedy. I'm not that type of comment. What I'm going to do? Sing why you eat? I'm not going to do.

What songs are you sing? I'm not singing. I'm not singing. I'm not doing what that dude did in the restaurant in fucking Colorado when he would come out as an all this impersonate. I'm not doing that. So I don't even know why he brought that up. I'm just not doing it. So that's the whole thing.

I rather, excuse me. I got a couple of burps from the Zinn bag. I mix with the mushrooms. from chocolate. It was a rough journey. A thousand milligrams. It's a fantastic fucking Tuesday. You understand me?

I'm feeling tit-top, Magoo, and so should you. But to continue that conversation that I thought was very important, it's that, you know, I respect Jerry Seinfeld for what he said.

But when he talks, man, people really, you know, listen to him. He's a master of fucking ceremonies. And I respect and I respect that. But in perspective, I don't want comics to go up there thinking they can't be themselves.

Because then you're not doing comedy. You're not doing comedy. You're doing an impersonation of yourself. Back to the Letterman thing. I'm sorry. These edibles, the mushrooms were taken off a little place. They asked me why they ever do those shows. I decided my fourth year of comedy.

I was going to give up that route. It took four years to make that decision because I started out clean. Then I switched to a suit. And I'm not talking about some low bracket jacket suit. I'm talking about these were fucking suits. You know, I had I didn't have money, but I had a charge card. And I would buy nice suits. And the guy would give me 30% off.

Bobby Schultz. I still owe him 200 bucks. I swear to God, I love Bob Schultz. I got locked up. and I bought $200 and I didn't go back to the Boulder to pay him and we got mad at each other. And I explained to him. I would send it to him. And now I don't know where he is.

He could be on Long Island for all I know. Who the fuck knows? I don't even know. Bob Schultz just came into my mind now. He made the suits that you have? No, he worked out of it. He was like the manager at this. He was like the general manager at this suit place in Boulder.

I met him when I first moved there in 87. I'd have money for a suit. But he was from New York and we became friends over the years. And then when I didn't need a suit, maybe two years after I met him, he gave me a charge card. He goes, you're spending too much money. Let me run this card fee. I'll get you like $500 credit limit. And I paid it because I needed clothes to sell cars and go to college and shit like that.

And you said you were wearing a suit on stage? I would wear a suit on stage and be very clean. And then I gave that like eight months. And I would notice that when I didn't wear a suit on stage. the suit like if I go to a regular open mic or a regular place like a bar to do comedy and I wore what I wore I was getting laughs and I also realized I was when I was working a bar was working a little bit dirtier so all that shit I was doing at my job during the week at the broker was null and void because I wasn't being myself I was trying to be like a dean because they were it was

state night right so I was trying to be like Dean Martin do 15 and then bring somebody up but it was the same customers every week so how to fuck am i going to do the same material so i had to write a new six minutes every fucking week for these people and then i go to plan b which is how's the steak that da da da da which is normal for a comic at that level i was doing comedy for a fucking year i still remember making an idiot of myself. At the time, this is a, uh, there's a Madonna video called Bog, and she used like little

rubber fucking pitch or something. I went up there one night with two strings, with the two things to this day. I want to shoot myself in the fucking head, but... Do you have tape of it? Yeah, yeah, I saved that. There was a iPhone at the time, and I put it at the side on my microphone stand, and I fucking taped it. are you crazy Lee it was my 16 time on stage I was the type of guy at that time there was no tape in my life I wasn't gonna fucking go out and buy a tape recorder and tape I knew people who did that and they drove themselves crazy I was trying to get funny I didn't need the tape I was learning how to get funny that shit wasn't in the realm

it's one thing I never put the apple before the tree or the chicken before the egg you know I always knew. I didn't think about a headshot. Listen, I started comedy in 91. I didn't think about a headshot until. Summer in 95. That Tribble asked me for a headshot. What the fuck was I to get a picture?

Look at this. And I got a picture of me drinking an egg cream. The chef at the fucking restaurant, Lidio took the fucking picture for me. So take it from there, motherfucker. It's a beautiful day to be alive. It's Tuesday to 7th.

It's going to be a... good week. Hopefully I'll see some of you motherfuckers Wednesday and Thursday. If not, next time Lee comes to town, we'll book some shows again. And that's it, and that's that. Anything you want to tell me, you're going to be in Philadelphia. The home of brotherly love with Josh Woolf, Friday,

two shows, Saturday night, two shows. The Punchline in Philadelphia. Go to punchline.com. I think that's what it is, but it's something in the neighborhood and get two tickets to see fucking Lee. You're not going to see him Wednesday.

Thursday. Tickets are sold down. Scalpers are on hold. We got everything locked down. You know what I'm saying? So, and a lot of surprises. So stay black. Anything you want to tell them? I love you. That's it. That's all I have. Is, uh, tonight. If you're

listening to this, the night it comes out, Williamsburg Comedy Club, 8 o'clock. It would be great to see you. It's going to be an awesome show. You want another? I don't know. Do you want to know something? You should finish the bag. We did finish the, we finished too bad. We started a bag that was already No, no, no.

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