The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - The Michael Jackson tea

Episode Date: April 8, 2024

Joey Diaz goes off about the eclipse, gives his recipe for Michael Jackson tea, talks about squirting people, what happened to his body when he took ZYN and much more!  The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz

What's going on, gentlemen? How is your weekend? How are you, sir? You know, softball is back in full effect, and the edibles are still working. That's all I got to do. It's very nice to go out there, get some sun. You know, I can't smoke no dope.

People throw you under the bus. I want to smoke dope in front of kids anyway, but I took about 1,500 milligrams, about 10 in the morning. But the time I got there. Wow. We had to go down to where the Sopranos to whatever, La Serba.

Okay. Pine Barons. The Hidal, Lassarba. You know, it's so crazy. Like, you see Jersey, there's a complete different part of Jersey. That is fucking, everybody had horses in their front yard. You know, I got a little scared. You got to bring the rifle to the front seat, but a lot of trumpers, you know.

And, but it's fucking beautiful down there. Really, it was nice to get out of here. And that's it. That was my weekend. I smoked some dope. I took some money. I didn't make it home. Like I usually do.

Fucking get in the car and pray. It's time to play bumper cars. Jesus Christ. Now, by the time I was driving home, I was a lot better. But I fell asleep at 10.15 last night. I was stoned all fucking day. An edible in the morning fucking keeps the doctor away.

Did it keep me going? the whole day or did you have to take more? No, I inhaled a couple more when I got home. And then I fucking did something and then I was fucking tired. I'm like, I gotta get the bed jack. We woke up like at seven for the shit.

You gotta be down there at nine. That's an hour, 10 drive. This is people have no idea about my weekends. Like, hey, I didn't see you Saturday night, bitch. Because I had to be up at fucking 6.30. Damn. What do you think about it?

Do you like going? I really do. You know, when you're a young guy and you see somebody watching women's sports, you're like this fucking guy. He's definitely going to fall out of a tree with a bag of M&Ms and a fucking long rain jacket. And then my father-in-law would always watch girls off,

and I'm like, this ain't right. You know, I'm like, this just, right. I'm not even going to watch this shit, you know. I feel like a fucking, and I got to wear a cape when I was. And then, you know, my daughter started playing and you watched the game. You see the girls get stronger.

And you're like, fuck, man. These girls, like yesterday, I was blown away. I don't know how good they've gotten since they've started. Like, I know four of these fucking girls, you know. They got big, you know, they're hitting now. Three years ago, they walked around all shy. Now they're hitting the fucking ball. and it's pretty impressive to see.

That's it. I don't care whether she's a star. I don't give a fuck. Because I know there's an education. Getting to meet different people and fucking jump up and down with different girls. That's an education for kids, the same way it was for us.

What are you doing when they lose? Is that like, does you handle that well? Nothing. I don't do, I don't say nothing. I'm not one of those fucking Pistol Pete type dads. this is no fun this is for kids to get to know each other get to learn social skills get to learn what it feels like to win what it feels like to strike out what it feels like to get hit by the fucking ball in the back you know so it's an education in itself and I remember being

like I talk to people a lot you know my friends I grew up with and people get confused like I knew these bunch of people when I was in the seventh grade. And they're like, how did you grow up with them? And I go, because CYO basketball. We would all play our games, and then we'd get in the fucking, you know, feet. And we'd walk and go get pizza. We'd walk into a pizza parlor with 20 guys, you know, 10 girls and 10 boys that had nothing bad on their minds.

There was no sex. There was no kissing. It was just young kids acting like fucking idiots. And I didn't hate it, but I was always bad. Like you, Marcy's really good. The last time I saw her, she was making a bunch of hits.

Listen, Shane Hank Aaron. Who is? But she loves it. And like I said, you know, listen, these parents don't know

is your kid is great at softball when they're 10 or 11. And by the time they're 18, they're playing the piano. Oh, yeah. And you had all these big dreams about going to Oklahoma.

I don't have no big dreams. She's got to have the big dreams, you know. It is kind of weird. Have you seen there's a little kid, like a little gronk or something? Like there's people who are like putting them like their fifth graders like to be like the next big like NFL star.

Listen, man, when you see what's going on today, the laziness of kids on apps and fucking phones and, you know, It's 70 degrees today. I'm walking around. They ain't a fucking kid out there.

It's brutal. It's brutal for fucking kids. So, you know, this is the first time I go to the gym. And that last week, when kids were off, there was 10 kids in there, getting trained by a trainer. Not like in there knowing what they were doing. These kids couldn't hit the mitts. They couldn't do dick.

and one of the kids was a black belt in Taekwondo and the kid was and I'm watching this kid throw punches and I'm like this kid's in no danger in New York City he's getting beat up by the falafel guy you know what I'm saying? Have you ever been beat up by the falafel guy? Nah, when I was growing up there was no falafels it was straight up hot dog with mustard

ketchup or fucking sauerkra that was good as a gut that didn't go for like the meat over rice none of that shit was allowed when I was growing up there was no people yelling on the street remember that night we're going to Sony Hall and some guy yelling flounder fat he said sandwich sandwiches

flounder sandwiches I mean who would go in there for a fucking flounder sandwich on 42nd Street they just caught that flounder and fucking on the Hudson River and ain't even a flounder it's whatever you know fucking Egyptians

hunt These Hamas, they don't know how to fish. They'll take it out. That's a tuna. All right. It's a tuna. Next thing, you know, it's a fucking shark. It's a jellyfish. They're all sitting there with swollen lips. Oh, no. Yeah.

I wouldn't eat half that stuff. That stuff was, it was hot dogs. That's it. No, like you know, like the nuts. You know, walk 20 blocks. The city, you know, hot dog guys are probably making $100 grand a year because people had to walk to get to them. Now, you know, in competition.

It's like having a subway sandwich. I gotta duke it out now with Subway, Carolina sandwiches, hot and spite, you know, it's not just selling, and they all sucked. Isn't it true like they like they have fake subret umbrellas? Like when you go when it says subred,

it's probably actually not separate. You get those for $10 at a flea market. You know, you eat some kids tail. It's fucking, you know. No, I don't trust none of those motherfuckers no more. I go to a place right here in O'Brien. Nicky's dogs

the chili with the potato sticks ooh a couple of potatoes in that motherfucker what but again yeah she's not there every day though

she's there like Thursday through Sunday so if I go to Jiu-Jitu Friday and I'd had a good week I'll stop in there and get a fucking hot dog you know it's good for the soul man but not one of those New York City hot dogs

but there used to be a guy that sat outside Port Authority Okay From Times Square This is 30 years ago I would eat his fucking steak on a stick all the time That was real And he was like Spanish with a turban on Just so they would let him get up the license

You know what I'm saying He was like Dominican with a beard and a turban He's over there I don't know they had to do that What do you mean? I didn't know Spanish people had to pretend to be Indian to get the license. You got to feed your family. You know what I'm saying?

So if it means putting on a turban and a beard and, you know, nodding and fucking, what's the word they say, how la? What, what the other one? I don't think they say hello. That's like saying kosher. No, no. What's the other word they say? Yeah. No, Abdullah. What are the god they go to? Oh, I don't think we're no. I don't think we should say that one. kingdom last night. So like for a little while.

The one when they go over there and Jamie, whatever and fucking the chick James Gardner and they go over there and you know, Allah, whatever. There we go. You found it. Egg boy Allah. The guy's missing fingers from making bombs

part time and shit. Let's get this party started on a Tuesday morning, Cucketuccas. Buenos deans. It's Tuesday, the 9th of April. The check-in is brought to you by. Freeze pipe. Listen, are you tired of smoking weed and getting a lung full of harsh smoke?

Listen, the struggle is real, but the solution is chilly. You understand me? Hot today, tamales tomorrow, whatever that is. Upgrade your game to the freeze pipe. The coldest glass pieces that eliminate the pain of throat burning and cough and attacks. Their secret is the freezable chamber. What you do is you put the chamber in the freezer for an hour. You take it out when you're ready to see the devil.

Forget about it. It cools it down by 300 degrees. That's 80% colder than using ice cubes to chill smoke. They broke my idea, but I don't know scientists. I love the freeze pipe. The bubbler, the big bon. I mean, listen, if you're ready to see the devil, if you're professional, the freeze pipe is in. Let me tell you what the best thing is.

420 is around the corner. The freeze pipe is getting ready to unleash. You understand me? If you don't have a freeze pipe for this 420, what are you doing? You're smoking out of a pipe or your buddy cleaning out, stand. Give me a break. Do yourself a favor.

Get the freeze pipe out at parties and watch them go wild. It's like being at Woodstock. People just go crazy. They're dancing with bikinis. That's what the freeze pipe done. And it's American-owned with over 100,000. happy customers. Freeze pipe is going to have you smoking like Uncle Joey, like a doctor. So do me a favor.

420 is coming. To freezepipe.com. Go to freezepipe.com. Pressing code Diaz, D-I-A-Z, and get 10% off your order. That's right. You heard it right on a beautiful Tuesday after the eclipse. Right now your eyes are hurting whatever. You know what would solve it?

A freeze pipe right to your eyeball. So right now, go to the freezepipe.com. Code Diaz and get 10% off plus. If you order today for 420, I'm going to get your free shipping and say goodbye to coughing and losing eyes. Jesus, a couple years ago, I popped an ear drum. You know what I'm saying?

But that don't happen no more. Because I got the freezepipe.com. Code Diaz. Have a great day. Turn out your TVs, run for your lives. It's over. They didn't put you on this planet just to give up. If Uncle Joey could do it, I can rule the world.

That's what you got to be thinking. Welcome back to church! What's the story there, Mungo? How is your eclipse? Listen, leave me alone, please. I brought one for you. Good, good. Take them and sell them back to the guy who sold those to you. You don't want one?

No, no, I don't want no fucking eclipse. The eclipse is over. I was out there with no shields at all. Nothing? Well, looking around, nothing happened. Maybe tomorrow I'll wake up my skin. B. One, I don't know what happened last. It was fucking bright here.

Yeah, it was bright here too for a little while. And then, you know, even the cat was like, I'm not sitting out of it. Fucking. People went on vacation for it. Can you believe that? Oh, yeah. Monday, Tuesday through Wednesday,

are the busiest days at the airport this week. High travel people. You know what's funny? I'm sitting there going, what if it's a joke? And the fucking Russians just bombed that whole line. and you sit there going. I should have stayed home and mind my business. You know what I'm saying?

Like whenever I see a big agglomeration like that, I ain't going, not even to, there's nothing, you know, before I was watching World News tonight, we got together to watch, leave me alone, all right? What country? All those migrants,

they're fucking out smoking people. The Mexicans, they're fucking doing laundry and cutting grass, you know. Black people are working. And it's a bunch of white people out there with glasses like, oh, God, this is beautiful with Birkenstocks. And, you know, I hope they had Mando on because those people, those Eclipse people get stinky as fuck. Oh, my God. I used that Mando last week.

Whatever old you have, they're fucking gone. That Mando, I stopped itching. You know, I get like dry skin from itching. Right. I'm said to put the Mando on because she would keep, it would keep the moisture away. dog i go to fucking the blue light therapy i rubbed that on me i don't swear a bead you know what i'm saying i'm in there fucking how much are you putting on i i put a stick on every time i go to therapy oh you smell good

when i come out of that it's like it's all over i'm pissing all over myself by the way guys i'm very sorry about the podcast last week i had to pee like nine times i mean it's scary and what it was is those zimps. Really? I could eat one of those things, maybe too. But if I'm walking around like some fucking guy in a broke back mountain chewing that shit all day, oh my God, I got up to pee two nights in a row.

It was like a 20-minute pee. It would just go, do-da-da-da-da-da-da. I'm like, I'm going back to bed. And I'm going to feed the bed out of get back there and stand like a fucking statue. It's a goddamn nightmare. I threw those things out because I bought like a blue one, like some type of mint, whatever. And I bought some whatever and it was okay.

But I'll tell you what, Lucy, whatever, it tastes a lot better than that. Right. But I think it swells up my fucking prostate or something. It was not, boy, I know how to take the fucking root again and, you know. And now I'm pissing normal again. Thank God. That day, like the one day I took a fucking last Thursday

I put a zen in my mouth, 1115, without thinking, and I went to Jiu-Jitsu. I thought it was going to have a fucking heart attack in there. And I had a P-4 times in an hour. I was like, this is what it is. Did they have a movie with smoke cigarettes? No. Just whatever they put in there,

there's a bunch of stuff I can't take. There's a bunch of stuff, even if it's like vitamins. Sometimes I'll buy vitamins. over 50. Next thing you know, I'm up all night, piss and I'm like, I gotta throw this out.

60 bucks. They told me I would live till I'm 90. And yeah, I'll live because I'm going to piss myself the debt to you. That's how I'm going to fucking die. But anyway,

it don't matter. How was your week last week? That's what's important to me. My week was good, but it was the first week in a while where I didn't have any shows. And then the weather didn't help out because that's what killed me last week.

Oh, really? Oh, it was fucking. You know, you got 22 inches of snow up there. Yeah, I love to be in early. Yeah. You know, we got rain Wednesday night that I just went, you know, I go for my little seven o'clock ride, my little 730 ride just to keep everybody fucking tight. And I was a friend of mine called. I pulled over to talk to him. Lee, Lee, what I saw, like I could see the wind shifting the rain and the fucking tree shaking. and then my truck started shaking. I'm like, you know what?

I ain't going out tonight. Really? Was that bad? Yeah, it was bad Wednesday, and then Thursday it rained. I was like, I'm done. I had planned for Friday, but they got squashed. My daughter had a softball scrimmage, and then that's it. So hopefully I'll go out tomorrow night, Wednesday night.

You know, I got little plans, and that's it. I got to stick to them. I got to get ready. you know, I'm in training and shit. Hell you. Speaking of that, did you feel the earthquake this weekend? Yeah. Nothing?

No, I lived in LA for 23 years. That was bingo time. People running. I called Prius's taking off. Everybody was scared. All the electric cars and shit. That's what everyone said. Everyone said they were freaking out,

and it looked like, it wasn't a tiny one, but it was like a four. It's funny because I was in the gym. Okay. And I was with my buddy training. And as it went down, nobody knew what had happened. And I told him the story about when I moved here, Lee. Okay.

I got here August 19th. But I didn't move into my house until September 2nd. Right. My daughter started school September 4th. It was like we moved in and we were off and running. I was going through hell at the time. I was in a living hell. I brought boxes of edibles with me.

And I just could not. The anxiety was killing me from the fucking withdrawn on his annex and shit. And my head was just fucked up. I just, we went through eight years on that corner, eating fucking 2,000 milligrams a day. Plus, I was moving. It was a big challenge, you know. So after the first week I'm here, I realized that my daughter's going to school

and I'm going to bed two hours before. Wow. She's leaving. Like I was on California time. I wasn't going to bed until 1.30 in California. So I get here. I'm staying up to 5.5.30 and I'm enjoying it. Like, I'm up at night.

There's COVID. I don't have to do dick. And I'm popping these fucking. and hash pills. All right. And I'm going off. By that time I had the Michael Jackson tea brewing. I had the three packs of T-8CTT,

and I would put a thousand milligrams in fucking tar in it, syringe. And then I would put, you know, 1,400 milligrams of ABX in there. It was Michael Jackson T. Yeah. By the time I got finished with it, it wasn't even T.

It was like a fucking silk of oil. on the top. It was just amazing and I would drink it and I would get fucked up but I didn't know what my reaction would be every night. I didn't know if I was going to pass out. I didn't know if I was going to eat

half the kitchen. Some nights, whatever was in that fucking junk would make me stay up and do fucking somersault down here. And I'm watching TV and I'm smoking dope outside and I'm like, you know. And then one night we moved it on the

fourth, the second. Okay. The sister-in-law died on the fifth. Dang. Okay, so we moved here like on a Saturday. Me and my sister-in-law got off the phone on Tuesday. And by the time I went to the stress factory and pulled into the garage to do a set with Tim Dillon, my sister, my other sister called me. And she goes, did you hear the news?

And I go, no. And she goes, your sister-in-law died, Sherry. And I go, I just talked to them at 6 o'clock. It was like 9.30, 10 o'clock at night. Holy shit. It was a fucking weird week. So I'm sitting down here about a week later. Blasted out of my fucking mind.

I'm starving. Let me go upstairs to the kitchen and see if there's any salami and cheese. Whatever. I was eating those days. And I walk upstairs, Lee. And one minute I'm eating. And the next minute, Lee, the kitchen looks like a bomb dropped.

Right? There was cheese puffs and fucking white bread and fucking salami on the floor. And I had opened up like a fucking iced tea and it would leak. And in the middle of all this, I'm sitting in the fucking kitchen. You just won't believe this. It's 4 o'clock in the morning. I'm sitting in the kitchen and I'm looking at the light in the living room. Okay.

Not a chandelier. It's just like a little light that hangs. Right. For some reason, God made me look at the living. that light. And the next thing, you know, I heard a fucking rumbly. Like, the house was shaking and shit. And I'm

like, this has to be a bad dream. I'm going to tell you the story for the first time, the truth. I'm looking at that chandelier shaking. And I'm feeling the cabinets are shaking and the plates and shit. Okay. And once it stopped, I just

sat there, looked around, and I'm like, I'm not even going to deal with that. I'm going to finish the salami sandwich. I'm going to bed like nothing happened. I'm going to make believe that did not happen because that was earthquake. And there ain't no fucking way on earth that I just lived in California for 23 years. I'm here for two weeks and there's an earthquake. This is just a bad dream. This is the edibles. This did not happen. and I went to fucking bed and when I got up that morning

there was a a fucking earthquake and freehold right where Ken you know the Chinese guy is right it was right down there

you know I woke up the next morning like what the fuck that I do what do you mean you thought like it was like you're falling I was God telling me I made a mistake or I brought an earthquake with me from Cal I mean I woke up the next day

and that was all on Twitter You brought a fucking earthquake with you, you're fucked. Holy shit. This is crazy that you think you would blame yourself for them. I didn't blame myself. I just thought I had to be malook on me. I thought, you know, this was my sign that this is not going to be any bueno and shit. And then how does that relate to the one that just happened?

I was telling them the story. And then the woman that his ex-wife is also a trainer in the gym, she came out of a different room. And she goes, did you feel that earthquake? that was an earthquake and I told him the story or what happened to me. He was dying a laughter. It was so surreally. It was like the night we were in the office right before we left

and that car came by and yelled our names. Oh, yeah. We both looked at each other and were like, it's time to go. Because we've been there for eight years and all of a sudden the pandemic, and nobody's allowed in the street and somebody actually came to the gate and was yelling for us to come out to get high

or whatever the fuck they were saying. And I'm like, it's time to go. So when I got here and I got that earthquake, I'm like, oh, that's a signal, Jack. We better pack our bags up and go back to Cali like fucking L.O. Coo-J. Did you look at it or it was just like a momentary panic? It was a what?

Like, did you actually look at moving back or it was just like a panic for a one second? No, I didn't fucking look at moving. back. I was here three weeks. How bad would you look if you fucking came back into town with a U-Haul? We're not doing it. Get the fuck out of here, you know? Okay. I would have mad. Like, Jesus Christ,

everything, I didn't know everything went so bad that first week. It was just like one thing after the other. I wasn't sure I'd made the right move. You know, she was one of the assistant laws. She looked three hours from me. But I fucking love with a debt. She was there when I started comedy. she did everything for me when I came back in 93

and over the year she would come to my shows and you know she made fucking best chicken cutlets you ever had she had like three dishes that were fucking unreal so I was waiting to come back here to hang with her and I would go down there on the weekends with her and my brother I fucking loved her so that news was brutal and then three days later

two days later I had to drive three and a half hours to the fucking awake in COVID and I'm petrified. I got to pee and I got to walk into these gas stations and I'm like, what the fuck? And then I walk into a funeral, Paul and they're everywhere and people got masks on. And I was like, this is not happening. I'm going to die. And I remember staying there for an hour and getting back in the car and there was another three and a half hour drive. And I had to keep stopping because I was nervous,

I had anxiety from the fucking COVID that I was going to get in a gas station. It was brutal. And you don't really drive for anybody. I'm almost surprised you went. I had to go to this one. This one I had to do. This one was, there was no getting out of my way out of that one. You know, so I'm happy I went.

I made his world. I made my world by going. It gave me peace. And I'm still in that peace with her death. Obviously, I'm still talking about it. I took one of the flowers from top of her casket, and I still got it. I mean, I was tight with the way, really tight with it. She had been married to my brother since I was 23, 20, yeah, 23, 24.

Wow. They stayed married that entire time, and she would come to shows every time you were in town? Every time I came to town, Jersey, Philadelphia, Atlantic City, New York City. I gave her a fucking edible. And New York, remember when they shot a window, all that shit? They were there, man. So, you know, it kind of was fucked up at first. It happened when I was in a parking garage.

You know, that's when they were doing comedy and a tent. It was just like a fucking, it was like something out of a twilight zone. I'm like, this is not fucking happening. We learn We get stronger We become savages And we keep slinging Dick, cocksucker

What do you got this week? You got any comedy? What do you got? Oh yeah, this week I'm doing a big one With Josh Wolfe at the Gramercy Theater On April 13th Oh And it's gonna be there

Yeah, it's gonna be great It's uh I'm so excited to do all these Like I've gotten to do Tony Hall with you And now I'm doing like another really awesome theater in New York It's like it's In New York to me is like the mecca for comedy and so just to be able to do

anytime in New York is awesome. Crazy is a young comic. What cities you hold. Yeah. There's a list that you won't tell nobody. Hopefully. You want to perform, you know? Because you don't want people to laugh.

You'll never get into the punchline. Right. You know, you'll never get into the spellbinders because you're Jewish, you know, whatever. Right. they always uh she don't say nothing you just take the weeks as they go first place i really wanted to go to lee and i got my wish was detroit really what was it about detroit a buddy of mine was from detroit and i really really liked he was one of my

Saviors in Colorado from 87 to about 95. He was tight with me. He always got me great jobs. He sold me cars at cost, you know, and I just liked them. And I always liked the idea of it was the capital of murder, whatever, the murder capital for a long time. And what really happened was a friend of mine asked me to go to the Bahamas with him. to do a cruise, right?

Oh, shit, okay. And really good guy. He just reached out to me two days ago to check in. This is 1995. Me and him, February of 95, I'm supposed to meet him in Florida somewhere to get on this ship. And you go, you do,

we weren't doing another ship. We were doing the Bahamas. Oh, like a resort at the Bahamas? Right. And I was really nervous because he, called me and said you had to be spotless that if you slipped they would come take you off

the stage and by the time you got to the end of the stage your room was packed and they had a helicopter for you to drive to take you to the mainland and some press there were press charges on you know this is 1995 and I'm a little sweating

it and about bro a week before the gig he calls me from a hospital in Florida his fucking something's gallbladder blew up something and he had to cancel that week. Motherfucker. Right? And I'm like, damn.

But again, I knew I was going to get taken off that island. There was no way. I was definitely going to get pulled off that island. I didn't know if it was the first night or the third night. So when he got back, he felt really guilty. And he goes, do you have a resume? My resume? And I had a copy.

His resume because I used it. I would always open up for him. So people would say, send the resume, and I would have one of his and whatever. Plus, I would look at his resume and fucking dream. He was the HBO comic of the year in 1985, you know, had a couple specials and shit. And he goes, pick a club.

And I saw this club in Detroit, Michigan, and I go that one. And he goes, I'll call you back. And he called me back. And he goes, call the guy. he's waiting for you to call. Joey's Comedy Club. And were you headlining or featuring? I was featuring in Dearborn, Michigan.

Jesus. And I drove and the weekend changed my life. I learned how to feature really well. I got three more weeks off it to me, and I met a girl that I ended up staying with until 1999 or something. It was the weirdest weekend ever. Yeah, that's a pretty good weekend. Yeah, I drove back, and then she came to Boulder and hung out with me for a few weeks.

Then she went back to Michigan to get her stuff. Then she came back to Boulder. We went camping, and then she went to Seattle, and I met her like two weeks later. All because of this one weekend. Yeah. All because of Detroit. And you just kind of picked it at random? Yeah.

You know, listen. I always wanted to go to New York, but what was I going to prove in New York? I already knew the rules in 94 and 95. You know, people would tell them, if you're going to go to New York, you're not going to get a dime. Every set is free.

So you got to cover yourself and get rides, and then I'm like that. And then I really wanted to do Vegas, but there was something about the insignia of the Seattle Comedy Club at the time, the Underground. That just seemed cool to me. The name the Underground seemed cool.

the insignia now did I ever think I'd end up in Seattle? No. But that's the way it went. You know, that's just the way life was going at that time. There was no plan. It was, you know, kumbaya. One minute you're in Idaho.

The next minute you're doing a one-man show. You know, not a one-man show, but you're doing a show in Wyoming. The next thing, you know, I'm in Michigan. But then, like, when did the switch change? Because, like, you and I were talking today, and you have a plan for, everything now. I've always

had a plan. This is your fucking career. You know, you're not going to get nowhere running like rampant. Okay? You're not going to get nowhere running rampant. It's great to be that in the beginning until you really find out what's going on

and how the system works. And you don't even know how it works at that point. You're still going on the funny game. You know nothing about selling tickets, and you don't want to know. You barely got a headshot. Yeah. You don't get a headshot, though, 10 people ask you for one. I'll send you a character show when I went to court in 87.

The guy from the paper drew a kid. No, I'm just, but that's the problem. I don't like people moving slow in comedy. I didn't have the basics until I was in Boulder in 95. that's why I started getting the basics, but I was attackingly, like I was like, you got a gig, I'll do it.

Gas station, under the gas station. I used to do a gig on Monday nights. I still laugh about it. It was at a bar. And they had a stage. Do you think they put a stand? No.

They had a room all the way in the back that had like this molding on the wall. It looked like you were, and only sat like 12 people. Oh, but. And I would go and kill on Monday nights. you know, like just in this little fucking room. It was just a set for me.

But that was the mentality. You know, when I talked to Jimmy Florentine, he's around the corner from me. I love talking shop to Jimmy because he'll tell me what places around here used to do comedy back then when he started 30 years ago. And one of the places is the same strip club that my buddy's own now. That was always a strip club. And he did the open mics there on Monday night, upstairs. They haven't upstairs. so he would do the open mics upstairs at this fucking strip club

I can't wait till I look back at them it's like I at least at my point and I'm lucky I get to talk to you and I get to talk to all the like the people I open for I don't know I don't know how to make a plan for comedy if it paid me like I in such I'm and maybe I'm just nowhere near that point yet but just I'm I would do any show anywhere And it's

It's like, listen, I work dumb with comedy. I could sit here and lie to you. I didn't start working comedy correctly until I met my wife. It wasn't about 2003, 2004, where she goes, let me see your notebook. And she's like, you got to get rid of this. Why would you do that? You know, I was booking weeks that I shouldn't have been booking. I had the comedy store

I could do five sets on that at the comedy store but five sets at the comedy store is what fucking $75. Right. You know, maybe she gives you a main room spot. You got to sell something. I would sell a couple eight balls back then just to make ends meet or do a Mexican room.

And it didn't really start clicking for me. You know, when you, on January 1st, you got to go listen. At that level, when I was in L.A., I would put like, I got a book a guest star five co-stars, a short film, and three commercials. That was the acting side. And then on the stand-up side, it was always,

I want to add 20 minutes, and I want to get funnier. It was never about being the funniest guy. I just focused on being funny. Those are the goals. You're looking at your weekly goals, your monthly goals, and your quarterly goals, which whatever, how you want to choose a quarter, three or four months, that's your preference.

Okay, and that's what you look at. And then at the end of that, you go, where am I going to be a year from now? Just a year from now. Where do I want to be? And what things do I need to do to get there in a year? I need to do 400 spots.

I need to take a cold reading workshop to help my stand-up. I need to do, you know, a couple seminars. because, you know, around here, they're all cheap. The same seminars you get in Boston and New York, well, Boston, Jersey, a lot cheaper than you'd pay in New York. Oh, yeah.

Okay. And you're always going to get one thing from somebody. My daughter went to basketball camp last week. And I told her, I said, listen, I don't know what you're thinking. But I know from experience, if you get one thing in those five days, just one thing and working on those five things, that those that thing for those five days yeah yeah it was worth me sending you there and it was worth it for you rather than going expecting to be like the best basketball player no that's why i really enjoyed what

you did two weeks ago you did a weekend and then you went right into a week okay that's awesome and i know for a fact that you improved just a little bit i know yeah Not because I was watching you, not because people were telling me, but because I know. I know how those weeks work. And what happens is you do Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday you have off and you're tired. And then I don't know if I want to do that on a fucking Monday.

And you go down there, you have a great time. Whether you bomb or whether you fucking, you know, kill it. You have a great time, and that gives you motivation for the week. So you put two weeks, let me tell you something. I used to do those triple runs for a month. Like every night, seven nights a week? No, no, no, no. Not even.

It was some weeks were Tuesday through Saturday. Okay. Some weeks were Wednesday through Saturday. Some weeks had a Sunday. And I would take those for a month and come back twice to see my daughter. Oh, you'd stop there. Okay. I would come back on Sunday.

Stay till fucking Wednesday or Tuesday, see her, and then get back in the car and leave again. And I would do it too weaker. And you do that for a month. I mean, you know, you're there every day, Lee. You're in your room. You're in your car. When you have nothing else, you're going to focus on comedy. It's like when guys go to prison, you know, they got one thing to focus on fucking weights.

They come out looking like Lou Ferrigno before. the operation because that's all they did in there. They stuck to their carbs. You know, you only get 100 carbs a day. I don't know. I'm just saying, you know, everybody's like,

well, they get so ripped. Yeah, because it's like being in fucking solid there. You're not picking all day. Right. You're on the potato chips on the corner. You're not getting a sandwich with Nino. You're not eating a half burrito with your buddy at five before you have dinner. So when you only have one thing to work on,

you know the the fucking the uh the gains are going to be tremendous you might not see him immediately but you'll see him six weeks from now when somebody calls you and says the headliner is uh is running late you got to do fucking 10 more extra minutes and there you are good to see you brother and there you are and in your mind you collapse, but then muscle memory takes over. And there's a lady with an orange hat. You just got three minutes off you.

Ooh. Don't do that enough. You get to talk about that lady's orange hat. Yeah. Like when somebody, in a UFC fight, when somebody gets punched three or four times and they grab your legs and clinch to regain, like they're hearing birds and Chinese music

and the room is tilting and shit. Holy shit. But that's, it's, that's your oxygen. That's why I always love jujitsu and comedy. Because when you're in a closed guard, that's your home.

That's the safest you're going to be. I have his arms. My legs are around his body. This gives me a chance to fucking breathe and think of my next move or how I'm going to bait him. So you feel more like that doing like crowd work than you do material?

No. This is all, listen, you go up there with a 40-minute set that you have planned out, correct? Okay. And then they call. No, you have a 30-minute set. You have a 25-minute set. As a feature, yeah. As a feature. You've been doing 28, if they pull you out of Boston, you're down to 20, you know. And all of a sudden, you're on stage, you've already done your rain material. You've done your fucking, you know, they didn't tell you this before. you went up. Right. No.

They're going to send you a note to the state and go, the headline is running late. Stretch it out, bitch. Fuck. And now you're going to be forced things to that's how you improve. And that's where you see the improvement. And that's when you know

what your next move is. That's why your priorities should change with comedy every 90 days. You're focusing on something else. This month I'm going to focus on this joke and this bit and where to put it. And every month, you have a mission. Every week you have a mission.

Yeah, that's not, that's crazy to think about. All I've thought about up until this point is like just trying to write jokes and be funnier. That's what you should be thinking about at this level. Okay. That's it. Everything else, as you're doing this, you're learning. This is a, listen, man, we were talking about something in Austin, that, about somebody

who went to Montreal and did everything. well and they gave him the world and one day he just iced himself you know and he had a pretty good movie career going his uh there was a particular director I fell in love him you know and was giving him movies but what he wanted to do they didn't want him to do you know and it's really weird because I always think of him when uh people get a quick push. How they're going to handle it? You know, they're either going to excel.

And then you've got to give them rope again because how they're going to deal now if they got $10 million. How they're going to treat other people? Are they still going to come to the comedy store and do sets? You know, it's very interesting to see all those things also. And then, like... I want everybody to be ready before they get hit with a ton of bricks. that's what my point is here in this in this comedy career there's two fucking careers in comedy

there's that fucking around one when you got your friends and you're all comparing shit and then you move up a little bit and then you move up a little bit and then guess what it gets fucking real and now every time you go on stage like i told you every time i go to the store and i'd bomb i'd walk to the car going this last time i'm going to see this building I feel that way every time I go on stage but I do see it's fucking nerve wracking

oh it's hard that alone that alone that thinking in your mind that eats at you yeah it's at you and it's

and you know all these things I want you to when you walk listen you know I don't even know I was prepared for Mitchie Shaw

until this day I sit there and I'm like, how did I pass that audition? That audition was scary enough. If you want me to sit here and go, oh, no, I just walked in there. Dog, you're shit in your pants. You got a bead of piss that's about to come out of your turtleneck. I had to wrap my uncircumcised dick with a bread tie. You know, I got a piece of shit in my ass.

My stomach is rumbling. You don't want to have a cocktail because, you know, I had to have a cocktail. because you might forget your material. You don't want to smoke pot because you might forget your material. It's a thousand things. You're going up in front of your future, whatever you think it is.

So what if you go, yeah, I'm going to be a comedy store going on? You walk in there and she goes, nah, you've got to go home and come up with plan B. Now what do we got? I can't even imagine that. Find out what her feedback is, where you just got awful, or, you know,

does she think you gotta come back in six months? Six months, well, Lee works there, and I fucking run circles around him. I don't know. I don't know what to tell you.

You do what the fuck you want to do now. She gave you six months. You show up in nine months, you blow her fucking wig off, and now you're a regular. But what if she would have told me no? Right. I don't know how you would deal with that.

I don't know. I would have had to go to the laugh factory. The next day, you know, remember, I got to Atlanta Monday. Next Tuesday, I went to the laugh factory, waited all day, had a great set, and the guy's like, it's never going to work for you in L.A. Jamie Massada, who, once I got the podcast, he was calling me every week, buddy. What do you believe? And I love Jamie, you know, I'm not.

But it's really weird. And you have to take that and learn how to. move forward. A lot of people can't take three of those punches to the head and not move forward. No comedy store. They can't get an agent. The girlfriend dumped you for an actor.

That's enough right there. That's... Didn't already get turned down, like not turned down, but didn't he have to audition like 18 times or something? Yeah. That's crazy. What do you think that did to do it?

Because now he's doing theaters and killing it. She... Listen, man. When you get into comedy, it's not about the money or it's the fucking, it's the longevity of what, you know, you have to, it's a different, you sell a piece of your soul. You sell a piece of yourself. Now I'm giving the right to these people to call me every day and pitch ideas at me. Now, you don't get popularity.

You lose pieces of yourself. Why? Everybody can handle that because everybody wants a piece of you, Lee. The agents want a piece of you. The managers come out of the woodwork. The same people, you talked to 10 years ago and told you to try ballet. Now they call you up and like, you know, what are we going to need to do here? We've known each other for 20 years.

Why did you not sign with me? He told me to try tennis 10 years ago, you know. So that takes that itself. All that, you know, because now you're going from, I want you guys to know comedy 100% in and out before you start getting hit in the head with bricks. I am your protective uncle and your protective father. Because that's like becoming a blue belt and jih Tzu.

50% of people quit right off the bat. Really? When it starts to go well. I saw, I saw, I can, you know, if I got a notebook and I wanted to be a dick and embarrassed people. I saw 10 comics who lasted a month in L.A. And next thing you know, they were gone.

Were they doing anything in L.A.? They were starting to. They were starting to, but it wasn't home. It wasn't home. You're in AAA ball. You're the star. You're hitting home runs. People want to jump up and down with you. Now you're a major league ball.

Nobody knows who the fuck you are. You're carrying towels. You're fucking bringing waters, you're calling people mister. It's the same, you know, it's the same fucking concept, man. Damn. So, being a king in your town, headlining, people coming

up to you, now you get to L.A., it's college football. You were a big high school star. Go to Division I. You're six foot six, guess what? There's 20 motherfuckers like that now. And they all run the 40 faster than you, bitch.

And you're like, And you get there and these guys are jumping. Here you thought you were Johnny Atlas. Right. Your high school program made you believe you were Johnny Atlas. And you bought it. You ever see that movie with Kniece Wood and Justin Timberlake and Amy Adams? Oh.

He plays a scout. Right. And the kid is like they're blowing smoke up his ass. The father's walking out of their life. he's not doing nothing for $10,000 you know, who's this dumb motherfucker trying to hit me now? See, these are the people that piss you all.

They don't bother you all day. Then they want to bother you when you're on the fucking podcast. So, you know, he gets to the Atlanta Braves. The Mexicans throwing heat at him, you know, Santiago, whatever his fucking name was. Right. And the kid melts. Because he's been getting blown smoke of his ass.

fucking four years. That gentle of a mind cannot take that. Your mind cannot take that at that age. Not too many people could run with the punches with that. That's a rough fucking move. You know, so same thing happens with comedy. You just went up to Montreal and people laughed and shook air. Then you stumble into the comedy store.

You got to follow Bill Burke. After he followed Theo Vaughn and he followed, he followed, he followed, Lucy Lou and fucking she follow Whitney Cummings and on and on and on. You know, somebody saw you in a club in New York and decided to test you up in Montreal again. You know, put you in Montreal where people are dying to find a new face. Oh my God, he's 28. He's so witty. Comedy Central gives him a deal.

And then he stumbles into the fucking store with ego. Right. And boom Boom You see them I saw it a thousand times That's tough That rejection

When you're used to doing so well Yeah three years from now You go to your touring And you go to a club And he shows up Hey what happened to you Oh my grandmother She lost her toe with diabetes

And I had to move back I get it brother I'm still headlining I do this I do cruises part-time. Yeah, that was too much. And there's nothing wrong with accepting that. Now, without further delay,

I got to talk to these people about Draft Kings. Give me two minutes, all right? I'll be back. Hey, it's Uncle Joey here talking to you with Draft Kings. Listen up. There's an action-pack fight card for UFC 300 this weekend, and you do not want to miss out on the fun. This is not just going to be fun.

It's going to be a history-type, card. Draft King's sports book, the official sports betting partner of the UFC is giving new customers a shot to turn five bucks into, ta-da-da-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-a-150 in bonus bets with any UFC 300 bet. Listen, it's going to be a great fight card. I think you got like 19 former champions jumping, Camorra in each other. It's going to be tremendous. I am very excited. And who's better than you when you're betting with draft kings? You know who? Nobody. So, do yourself a favor.

Download the Draft King Sportsbook app and press and code Joey. J-O-E-Y. Listen, you got the UFC 300. They're going to give you 150 and free credits, right? Bonus credits instantly. And what do you got? You got the NBA playoffs next weekend.

You told me you're good at baskets. This is your chance to prove your point, your fucking maggots. Now get it together. Download the Draft King Sport app. Pressing code Joe. And get it on the action for UFC 300. It's going to be tremendous.

Like I told you, new customers can bet five bucks to get 150 instantly in bonus bets at Draft King's sportsbook with code Joey. And I'll tell you something else about draft kings. You know what? The crown is yours. Gambling problem? Call 1-800 gambler or visit 1-800 gambler.net. In New York, call 8778-8-Hope-N-Y or text hope in Y-4-669.

In Connecticut, help is available for problem gambling. Call 888-78-98-9-777 or visit ccpg.org. Please play responsibly. On behalf of Boot Hill Casino and Resort in Kansas, 21 and over, age varies by jurisdiction. Void in Ontario. Bonus bets expire 168 hours after issuance. See dkng.com slash football for eligibility and deposit restrictions terms or responsible gaming resources. We're back, bitches.

Well, I'm doing great, man. I just, we were talking about comedy. like I just like not having shows is like the world I haven't had that in a while and that was it was the worst it's a rough week but after the week you had listen sometimes everything helps a little bit

now your body got a chance to rest your mind is clear and your body your mind learns something from that muscle memory in Vegas you learned a lot of things that's a big stage different type of people different type of clientele. It wasn't what you expected. You thought it were going to be Sinatra people with

tuxedos. Oh, no, a lot of air tanks and oxygen tanks and fucking patches and people with spots like me. And, you know, it's not the clientele you thought. But you learned. You learned and it taught you how to rough it. You know, you have to put a, you have to sleep at night, that hotel with fucking a suitcase in front of your door because they will break in there. And that's part of it. Oh, yeah. That's all, that's all part of this fucking, what you're going for at the end. You don't see it now. Nobody does. Nobody does. The suffering and the fucking sleeping in shitty places where you're like, you know what, I'm not even going to sleep in here. I'll sleep in my car. I'll come in here and take a shower in the morning,

but I ain't sleeping in here. That type of shit and houses and long sets and people ripping you off. Listen, I came here four years ago. Okay. Let's talk about facts here. And I decided that I wasn't ready to go on the road, nor did I want to. I needed some time.

I didn't like what was going on. I didn't feel good. I didn't want to get COVID on the road. You know, I'm a fat dude with shitty lungs. You know, there were my reasons. Plus, my daughter, COVID had fucked up my daughter a little bit. Staying home from school, those three months in L.A., four months. You know, it was just, so I decided, let me sit tight.

I was getting the weed company started, right? I didn't know. I didn't really want a podcast. I didn't know what to do. And two months in, somebody called me with a book deal, you know. And they're like, if you don't want to do this, you know, think about it. And I was like, let's do it. The people were like, we really want to book at this point.

You know, we've been, I was talking to the guy for five fucking years late. Jesus. I was trying to write that book since 2006. Yeah. And I had this chance. And I had this chance. And I'm like, you know, the money that's given me isn't going to be great. It's not like I get fucking whatever,

but it'll keep me in chicken cutlass for five or six months until I decide. That came from nowhere, okay? Then I got another call one day. And it was one of the best calls I ever got in my life. And she said that these people want to do business with you. They want to give you this amount of money. And I was like, well, well, let me call you back.

Because I just had an earthquake. You know what I was like a month before? This is when it happened, like a month before, maybe, you know, mid-October. I was here since August. And I had no plans on doing anything. I was barely getting out of the house just to go to Jimmy's to watch football. And fucking, she called me. She goes, I got this for you.

And I thought it was a fucking dream. And I took it. And I felt guilty for a month or two. And I'll tell you what happened. I thought about two things. I thought about the time I bumped into Slash at the Riviera Hotel. And I bumped into something I had heard early on

when all these idiots are like, Lee, you're still doing the joke, too? And you're like, yeah, tell us a joke. You know, let's see how funny. You know, you always get your cousins or people to say that to you. And they're like, hey, how much you making? And you're like, nothing.

I'm just an apprentice. I'm an open. And they're like, you don't get no money, you fucking idiot. and all this shit. And a wise, wise man told me, every time you go to these open mics, anytime you go to a clinic,

anytime you go do a free spot that takes an hour, you're punching it. You're punching in. We've discussed this a thousand times. Yeah. You're punching it. Yeah, but Joey, it cost me 50 bucks in gas. Shut your mouth.

They're giving you 15 minutes. One of the best comics in the world. He's doing you a fucking solid. And he, you know, all you're worried about is a limo. And you get those guys. Like, if I'm working with him, I want a limo. Do you got eight minutes. You just bombed at the fucking silver frog on a Tuesday night.

And people lose their minds because somebody told them they were funny or whatever. But all that shit, when people rip you off, when you go there, there was a year that this woman didn't want me in her clubs. And I would call every week for a guest set. And she'd give it to me because she hated me. But I knew I was going to get better from doing those guestsets and showing her that I was better at her. Like, just because she wasn't going to book me, that means I wasn't going to work her room. I'm working your fucking room. Because if you don't put me in them, I'm going to call the bar owner or the club owner to ask him.

He's going to go, why don't you book Joey Diaz? Right. Well, that day I realized all that shit I did for free in Seattle. and Denver. And when I first moved to LA, the people who put me through shit, you know, I was going to fucking, what's that shit town?

Remember, what's the road I used to always goof on? The 101? No, 170. Oh, the 170? Oh, yeah. If you go up to sermon, up to 170, you end up somewhere in some town. No, not Sherman Way, a different town,

like an hour away. Okay. You know how many times I used to drive up there for 20 bucks. Oh shit. Sunday night. When I first moved to L.A. A. to get a spot before

Mitchie made me a host. A. to do a spot and B for the $20 because there was some another place on the way home that you stopped and they gave you $25. That place where I went down Sunday nights for the $20. Lee, I swear to God, it was the only

thing to do. I forget where the fuck it was. It wasn't far from L.A. they would pack them in on Sunday nights. That was the only thing to do. It was either that and look for Martians. I don't know what they did up there. I forget the name of the town.

If you remind me, I'll tell you. Okay. And the guy would give you $20 with a stray face. And you're going to pay for your own dinner. You know, I remember all those things, Lee. And those are the things that 25 years from now, let me ask you a question. And I know I'm going to get fucking rail for this.

I'll name 10 people to you. Okay. I get a check every year for them being them. They don't even have to leave their house. Margaret Cho gets a deal every year. She's Korean. They love Margaret Cho so much. They'll say, well, let's get a Korean actress on hold.

Give it $250,000 and hold it for the year. You know, every year the networks have a write-off, which means, you know what? Call Lee Syed in here. We'll do a Jewish musical and we'll see how it go, whatever. And that's when you're 50. They'll call you in.

They know you're not going to write a Jewish musical, but it's going to make you 50 large. You can pay for your insurance. You follow me? So Hollywood always takes care. Sarah Silverman. She's on TV doing a fucking pet. show now.

Yeah. I don't think she wanted to do that, but they called them. They said, we think this is a good idea. We're going to give you this type of money. You got to come down and play with pets for an hour. You're not going to take that money. Oh, Sarah Silman's a sellout, bitch. She's been doing it for 30 fucking years.

At this point, yeah, because you put that work in. People will call you with the easiest shit, and you'll go, what? And you go, oh, that's for that time. And all these things will come to you. You feel bad about it? Huh? You felt bad about it?

I don't know why you'd feel bad about it. Isn't that everyone's goal? At first, well, it wasn't my goal. You know, I'm Spanish. I like to work. I like to mow lawns. I like to paint houses and drink the bombah juice. But it was just, it bothered me the first two or three months.

Wow. I'm surprised to hear that. And then to settle, I had to go, 30 fucking years. You know, 10 of those were real. You know, living in a car, living with a stripper in Seattle, fucking living in a basement in Boulder,

you know, shoplifting tents and bringing them back. I mean, those 10 years were real. But I was thinking about something. Lee, I left Boulder, Colorado, June 30th of 1995. and before the 10th anniversary, I released the longest yard. Okay. So it took me 10 years from the time I left Boulder. I already had five years under my belt, four years of comedy.

And before that, I had Spider-Man and Taxi and analyzed that. But for me, it took 10 years to get something that I really wanted. And it was the longest shot. It was 14 years in. I was at the right place. at the right time. I didn't get it because I was better than anybody. I got it because I made myself funnier for the role, you know, and I got it, not because I was better. I was at the right place at the right fucking time. It was every other movie I'd gotten, I got killed in the beginning,

or it was always some drama, and this was the first time I was going to be in a whole movie. Right. 10 years just to let comics know from the time I said fuck Boston Fuck New York Fuck this whatever you're living Fuck Oklahoma It took me another five years of struggling and you know LA was not no picnic the first three years Sleeping on Ralphie's couches and

Doing coke and it wasn't it wasn't an easy Journey and didn't you not get booked for the whole time on the longest yard like you got booked for a short time and they liked you and kept you on for longer? Yeah, the contract was like a four-week contract. And then after the go-get-em-a-dye-co, that was it. Yeah, dude, that's why I can't imagine you feeling bad forever. I would imagine you felt pretty bad when you saw people who weren't as funny as you getting opportunities.

Every young comic is going to see that, right? that should make you 20% angry and give you 80% ambition to say to yourself if he did it, I could do it and if he did it I shouldn't be mad at him he opened up a door for me

now this doesn't let you know what I want to do I try not to be I guess for me the word would be jealous I'm more jealous and angry I'm not angry at anyone for being successful but when I see people that I feel like maybe I'm better than her as good as doing other stuff. I'm like, God, I wish that was me.

That's when you have to just focus on your journey and go, fuck it. I got to get as funny as him. And you just, you don't wish him any harm. No. You don't want him to fall off a train and nothing. But you go, I'm going to be as funny as him in a year. He could do that. I could do that.

You know, it's like when you start with a guy. There's always that guy that you, started two weeks before, well, he started three weeks after you in Boston. And after about three months, you become friends and you're doing the same things. But he got into Laughston. You got into City Winery, you know, and all of a sudden, you're like, what am I doing wrong? And then he gets you in over at Laugh, Boston. Now it's worse. You're emceeing, and he's a feature, you know. Right. And you know what?

It should mess with you a tiny bit. Maybe let you know you didn't work hard enough. Maybe you weren't at the right place at the right time. You know, maybe you rub the owner of the Laugh Boston wrong. You know, there's a thousand things that'll be on your control. You were at a club one night, open mic, and the manager from Laugh Boston came in, and you had three beers in you and you went up to them. When am I going to get booked to Laugh?

I'm a funny Jew. Okay. Check, please. there's a thousand variables. But at the end, you look at that person, you go, God bless him. And then you go on your mission. And that's when you put the fireman hat on.

Like we discussed, it's a fireman hat. Things are going to hit you. And that's what I cut that way. So it rolls off. And you're moving head first. Like, you always want to keep your chin up. But at this point of your life, you're working like this and you're damaging your third eye because you know you've got a steam row past the bullshit and there's going to be a lot of it some of it is self-inflicted some of it is you bring it on yourself and some of it is nature not everybody's going to like you lee right you look at those people and you know what don't go i'll be back here in three years when i'm headlining fuck you you don't know what you thank you for your time

right and just go someday you're going to call me for a gig I hope so very humbly very humble like you know and you're going to go okay

and if you're an asser you're going to go fuck you but you're going to go okay I get it now and you go down there you give a big hug he cracks a joke you crack a joke and you both know why you're there because you're telling tickets there's no reason to bring it up or you both know why you're there he needs you to sell alcohol

and you need him to sell the fucking tickets or he needs you to sell tickets and he needs to sell alcohol and once you realize that that's a very tough swallow for comics yeah one that we'll get to in a few months okay that's a very tough swallow for comics comics. There's a lot of tough swallows for comics, but you got to, you know, listen, I've always said when you're a comic, you're a hooker. You're no difference in the beginning. You're just trying to get the best deal. It's our instinct. It's nothing that you're wrong with you or my mother didn't raise me right. She burned me with cigarettes. You just fucking, and people, it takes some people some time to get it. But once those motherfuckers,

get it, you're going to have a problem. Right. And because it's very hard. But it's, I don't know, like, it's hard. I can see where people would drop off. Because I've only been doing it in my six year. And, like, to keep pushing past, like, people not responding to your calls or things like that.

It's like, oh, my God. Very tough. And that's why sometimes you've got to get out there. Like, because you don't know who's going to be at that open. and Mike playing big shot. I'm the assistant to the assistant manager on Club Royale. I speak to the Booker every day.

Right. I had people come up to me with the wildest fucking stories. Wildest stories about their father knew this guy and he'd make a call for me and it was absurd. And you know what? Some people did.

I just wasn't ready. Really? You weren't? What happened? Well, you're doing, we've been doing comedy shows at. uh new york comedy club and you know this player do you know this guy that no not really i heard of him he's fucking great that guy okay are you getting paid for your gigs no but i'm fucking funny man i'm telling you okay we'll call you right you know it's it's we just we're knuckleheads with that there's nothing wrong with that at least we know that going in but know that in time you'll get it.

You know, I was talking about my wife before. In 2003, my wife got sick and tired of me coming home with no cash. Every weekend I got mugged by a Colombian. I got hit in the head. I slept over, so I had to pay for a new plane ticket. And some of the stories were true. I used to buy those plane tickets and those services. Okay.

And that's a tough education when you're a comic. You're trying to save $10. bucks. Now the club wants you to stay an extra night. When you go to add that plane ticket, they want $8.00. Now you're stuck there

for a week because if you give up that ticket or you got to tell this guy no, he wanted you to stay. You can't do that. My plane ticket, ah, okay, next time. There ain't going to be no next time, kid. He just gave you the opportunity

in life. You know, It's, it's, uh, the thing I like the most of my comedy, every day was a new adventure. Ooh. You hear that on the little bass drum behind me. Yeah, of course I heard it. What do you mean? It sounds like you shoot yourself. No, it wasn't no shit.

I thought that was at first. That's why I had to bend over to stop it, to put the clamp on it just in case. But tip-top, Magoo. Thank you. I think about my life from June. June 13th, July 13th, 80, whenever the fuck I got on stage. 91 to fucking 2003. And I wouldn't trade it for anything late.

That was an education that I can't even write in a book. I can't describe it to you. I don't even know half of it. But I do know this. And I was telling you this when we were doing the church and I like that. Man, Dianna, I did something in the main room that I remember I learned. I'm one of those triple rooms. Right.

Like there was a lot of times I'd be in a theater in Milwaukee or New York. And something would happen. And I would roll with it. And I'd go, wow, that's something that I learned 24 years. years ago. And you would remember the show where you learned it? Not the show, but I remember where I learned that. That pause or the way you look at the audience or just something, a special way that you did something and you go, oh, shit, you know, it starts coming back to you. And you see the importance of those years. Right. You see the importance of those years. You see the importance of those

years, you know, when you look at a great jiu-jitsu guy like Hodger Gracie, he'll tell you, I do everything with basics. Roger Gracie doesn't do anything. Even if you know Roger Gracie's going to mount you and choke you, you're not going to stop him. It'll take him 35 minutes, but he's going to fucking do it. He's going to stay on that move and commit to it. I don't know what my point was.

The edibles are kicking in. But how do I, I guess the last question I have is like, how, if you're not like really like... What, whoa, whoa, whoa, what was that? What you just burnt for something? No, I coughed. You what? I coughed.

I think I coughed. Nah, I can smell the edible burp from me. How many milligrams you take to like 10? I took 100 again. No, you didn't. Yes, I didn't. You took those pharmacy hundreds. You didn't take one of my killer doses.

When you take those, you got to take too late. I give you a... Yeah, I can't take 200. Why not? What's the problem, man? Because a lot of time I took 200, I passed out. Well, these aren't even hundreds. Well, then what am I?

Why am I doubling it? Because you only took like 40 in real life. Did not take 40? I can tell. You never give me any credit. No, you can't. I could, dog. Look at my eyes.

Look at your eyes. What? What? I mean what? I can tell by your characteristics. What, then I'm conscious or what do you mean? No, I can just tell, you know, you're only eating 60 in there. Maybe 68.

No. You've got to double up on those to make it 140. You got to start training. You're coming to New York next week. You don't know when I'm going to show up. I'm always used to it. I know, I know. So one of those nights, you're going to have a hard time making it home because I'm sticking

ABXs and every fucking. Your goddamn body plus mushrooms. plus I'm going to make you eat one of those falafel dogs with the sad bread umbrella and you're going to get back to your room you're going to be eating mushrooms on the edible and then you're going to shit blood and you're going to find out what life really is.

That's what life is about when you're the comedian when you wake up and you shit blood and you're like, man. How often are you shitting blood? I don't think that's comedy. I don't think comedy makes you shit blood on a regular basis. It should because your nerves are shattered,

but I was doing comedy about 10 years. Nah, about eight years, and I started going out of Miami Improv. And they used to have one of those frozen drink places. Okay. I forget what it was called, fucking deliciously, right across from it.

And they had, like, everything was like 90-proof, but they had a drink that was beet red, taste it like gasoline and turpentine, but a little smoothie in it, like a little bit of like a slushy. It was 140 fucking proof. Jesus Christ. So as soon as I got out of the stage as a feature act,

I would run across and get like a white cream one and a 140 one. I crossed it across the street to the condo. I put in the refrigerator and I cut up my coat, get it ready for the night, put a package aside for the victim that was coming over later. And then I would go back down to prowl, right? You just got offstage and you run across. I would pick up the package before I got on stage,

the Colombian would come to the bar at the Miami Improv. This is 98. I don't even know why I'm telling you this. I don't even know how we got here. The guy would come to the bar. He was the coolest motherfucker in the world. He'd asked me, do you need some? He'd call the club.

Right. I'd be waiting. It'd be like 7.45. Joey, it's for you. Hi, how you doing? Hey, this is the Colombian. You need anything? Yeah.

A hundred. he would come to the bar. I wasn't even on stage yet. I didn't have a dime in my pocket. I would have to go to the club manager. Go, dog, come on, I need a yardstick real quick. Put it to take it out of my pay. And he started, come on, dog, give me a yardstick.

In fact, give me 120. Because I need to get Chinese food tomorrow and I got to get clothes. I wasn't getting no clothes. I go to the bar and the column, I put my $100 on the bar, order a drink. He would give me change. and then the Columbia would take the Coke, put it in a napkin, throw it on the floor. And I would step on it.

And then he'd walk out, I wouldn't touch it. I'd have a little drink to get me started. I'd go up on stage, rip it. Get off the stage. The Coke would be in my pocket, burning a hole in that motherfucker. I'd run right to the fucking juice place. I'd get myself two cocktails.

I run right across the street to the condo, put one away, cut up the park. package, save something for later, and then I go back out. And for every drink I got at the improv, I got one more those fucking red drinks over that. Oh, no. Get a bunch of pills and fucking drink and do blow. I didn't know what I was doing.

Once you leave the improv, you go to the Dolphin ball. And people would just give you shit in there. So I didn't know what I was doing. So I'd wake up in the morning and my sink and my toilet would be filled with what I thought was blood. You know, and I would go, fuck it. You know, say, la Ville. I'm living like Lenny Bruce.

Fuck it, this is it. Yeah, but you're actually shitting blood. What else would I be doing having this type of fun? Like, at that time, I was having a lot of fun as a feature act. I never even thought about headlining. I didn't want a headline. My life was such a party as a fucking feature act. I'm doing 25 minutes.

I'm killing. I'm at the store, getting ready to kill these people. And now I'm getting to these clubs. I'm getting $500, no plane ticket. But I was getting a plane ticket because they gave me that credit card one time.

So I was just getting the fucking card. Oh, but anyway, my point from Miami for the longest time, I would puke in the middle of the night. Right. And I'd puke in the toilet,

and then the toilet would sink, and all that was left was red stuff. And I go, oh, well, It was a good week in Miami. Yeah, but then you're talking about, like, shitting blood. What? Then you're talking about, like, shitting blood.

What makes you do that? I didn't know. I would puke, and then I flush the tank. Oh, yeah. And what was living around was that red stuff. So I would go, I must have took a shit in the middle of the night and shit blood. And this is what, dog, at that point, I didn't care. I was missing a tooth in the back.

They used to squirt at people. people like you gotta fix that you're gonna die I don't do an abscess for 10 years I'm saying every time we get swollen I put a Coke rocket and pop that motherfucker with a needle in the middle of the night it was insane how often would you spray it someone

how often would it fell up enough to they could spray it whenever I wanted it to go away you know what I'm saying it was like that rose people having their jacket and they take smell the rose then they hit you next time I'm on Rogan I'll remind them When we'd be sitting in a circle in the back of the comedy store,

this had to be 99, 98, and this would swell up right here, and it would shoot this way because I ripped the tooth out. Talk, I used to be, I would go home, get a bottle of Jack and Boulder and a wrench, and I would just work it all night until it came out and shit. So when I broke it, there was still a little piece left, and then it got infected. Yeah.

So it would swell up. So finally had the balls to put a needle in there, and squeezing, it was terrible. After that, it would fill up once a month, and I would just go, and it would just go, s. Did you ever do it that anyone saw you, or was it always like a surprise? It was Joe Rogan.

I would make a noise to Joe Rogan, like, a look, and he'd go, oh, my God, and I'd stick my thing, and I'd go, and he'd be talking, it would hit him right in the jacket. They didn't even know about it. Two days later, they go, Jesus Christ, a pigeon shit in my jacket. I can't believe you could hit people with it. That's some good accuracy.

Doug, please, you have no idea. Listen, I got to take two steps to the rear and get out of here. This edible saved me hard tonight. Because I ate the dark chocolate. Oh, yeah? You know, that's a 2,500 milligram bar. I didn't eat the whole thing tonight. But I hate like six ABXs.

I got nowhere to go, dog, tomorrow. I would hope not. Like that tea you were talking about drinking was worse than what they gave Michael Jackson. Like, you're just talking about this shit like it's normal. Like, yeah, of course. A few more, because I'm waking up tomorrow with two black eyes. Like I saw the fucking...

The eclipse with no glasses. These fucking... They're going to wake up tomorrow. Oh, my God. Yeah. No, I don't want to no fuck. Look at you. You're like a gay Batman.

You're like a gay Robin. You had it to 12. You know what I'm saying? I think I look cool. And that works as a double. After you bang them in the ass, you can whip them with that. You know what I'm saying? You're pretty bitch.

All right, I got to go. And now for a word from our sponsors, you know what I'm saying? Have a good week. Lee. Love you. See you next week. Love you, buddy.