The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - The night in San Francisco with the homeless guy and his dog

Episode Date: January 30, 2024

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt laugh talking about that night Joey had to threaten a homeless man's dog, how Joey finally figured out how to Google, Joey's never ending search to cure the fungi toenail, and some of his favorite drug dealers. Joey also tells Lee about his first bomb since starting stand up again and why it made him love standup more. Support the show and download the DraftKings Sportsbook app, use code JOEY. New customers can bet just 5 bucks and score 150 instantly in bonus bets. Support the show and get free breakfast for life at https://www.hellofresh.com/JOEYFREE and use code JOEYFREE The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz 

What's up, Lee? You got the lighter tonight? I always got a lighter. I love lighting shit on fire. All right, let's do it. What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? It's Tuesday, the 30th of January. The checking is brought to you by my people.

Audit. Listen, you want to start the year off on a good foot. Start it off healthy with a little alpha brain and get that fucking coconut on fire. Go to audit.com right now. Go through, see what they have. works for you. The Shrew Tech, listen, tremendous. It don't work on me no more because my lungs is shot. The bong hits have destroyed it. But the fucking alpha brain is still kicking. That's why I'm

kicking today. I'm on my fucking cycle. I got another two weeks left. And then I'll be reciting fucking poetry and Nietzsche and whatever you fucking guys bought. But anyway, go to honor.com, pressing code Coco or Joey and get 10% off your first daughter. All right. And now without further ado, welcome to the check-in. So I see what you're on this planet just to give up. If Uncle Joey could do it, I could fucking rule the world. I see you got to be thinking. Welcome back to show!

Oh shit. It's almost fucking February, guy. I know. Can you believe it? Fuck. I woke up this one, my January 29th. God damn. It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. It was cloudy, cold, windy.

but that's the way in the last couple fucking days. Sunday was just God awful. Really? But who gives a fuck? We still got to get up and be fucking slaves. You know what I'm saying? It don't fucking matter.

He's still got to get up and get whipped and fucking hit. It's a beautiful guy. It's a lot of fellas. Great week, you know? I hear you walk in fucking Vancouver, Washington up there. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, it was fucking It was awesome. So they sell cocaine in stores? Dude, they sell everything in like, and I didn't get to go because apparently I wasn't in Vancouver, but Josh went. They had a store, like the same way you look at a dispensary. It's just the one he went to was mushrooms, but they sell everything there. They sell heroin.

They sell cocaine. They sell LSD. and like there's rules like it's only two and a half grams that you can get of Coke at a time and like that's like I don't know if it's like legal or they just decriminalize it

but like there's a weird but you go to a fucking store like it's what would have happened can you have imagine like what do you think what happened if you were around legal cocaine you know how people robbed banks

yeah me and you would have been rob the store Give me all the fucking Coke. Give me everything. The labels, the syringes. It's a different fucking world, man. It's 24, my friend. Was any of it like, when you were doing Coke,

was any of it, like, any of the, like, fun part about it, like, the fact that it was illegal and, like, kind of, not creepy, but, like, you had to be sneaky, or do you just like Coke? It took me a long time to get a medical, marijuana license. I was getting chewed on for years about getting medical marijuana license. And I tried to explain the people that I'm talking about somebody who's a civilian.

Okay. You know, I was a civilian for a long time. And I remember like Monday to Thursday it was no big deal. Trust me, I always smoked pot. Right. We got it from somewhere in Colorado or whatever at that age. But Fridays and Saturdays is something different. Let's say you're a roofer, okay?

When I roof with those guys, on Fridays, we left a half hour early. You stop, you get a 12 pack of beer or a six pack of beer. There's three guys in there. They're drinking. I'm driving, right? Right. I drop one of the guys off, and he lives in the neighborhood as my partner. dealer. So I stop

in there. My check is cashed. I get my weed for the weekend. Not even for the week. I know it's just going to be for the weekend. And there's something about driving home, drinking that beer that makes you feel like you are breaking the fucking law.

And then you go home and you have to grind it up and roll it and smoke it. And it's like what the Indians used to do. They call it like a ceremony. You know? Okay. Really turn it.

into that. And now you want me to stop that whole little thing, walk into a weed store, like I'm walking into 7-Eleven to get a pound a ham, and now I'm getting an ounce of weed and some fucking lollipops. It really, even me, it took me a long time to adjust because just for that little element of danger, just driving home with an ounce in your car or, you know, I had a friend that got off of work with his friend and they were driving home and his friend said,

do you mind if I stop in this diner to make up this bookie? And the guy goes, my friend said, yeah. And when he came out, they drove a block and the car got pulled over. The guy went in for Coke. So my buddy got arrested and he got charged with because the guy put the Coke under the seat. So both of the years got arrested. Really?

Yeah. So my point being that it was part. of the whole fucking thing. Like, when I was doing Coke, bro, listen, I would wake up in the morning and go, today I'm not going to do coke. You know, like today I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it.

And 2 o'clock, I'm not doing it. 6 o'clock came. I'm not doing it. I'm just going to go do my spot at the store and go home. But my spot's 1140. Okay. A lot of fucking mileage to kill. And some nights I had a gig with Felipe

or George Perrine. or all the crazy Mexicans down and, you know, off the five. And that kept me. But if I was sitting there by a quarter of eight, my body would change. My chemistry would change. I couldn't hear you. Like when you were talking to me, I couldn't hear you because now my mind went into, how am I going to get Coke?

And I wanted to get it before I got to the comedy store. So when I got on stage, I had it in my pocket. I didn't have to hunt it down. And from the time 8 o'clock came, I couldn't control myself. It was something that till this day baffles me. I've written about it, everything. It was like, no matter what you told me, I didn't want to hear it.

No matter what you told me, I wasn't going to stop to get the Coke. And I wouldn't even stop for red lights in those days. I would go to the ATM in front of rock and roll routes. Pull over right on fucking sunset Never got in trouble I would go to the ATM Pick money up Make a U-turn

Go down La Brea and go to my dealer's house right there And you were never scared Like just the idea of having Like buying cocaine would be scary But then like having it on me Like the fact that you had it on you during your sets I would be like consumed Like what if the cops

stop me after this? No. You know, I told you that when I came here, it took me three years just to, took me like a year and a half, just to think and write. And at the same time, I'm writing the book, guys.

I'm writing the book, and at the same time, I'm trying to figure out what the fuck happened in my life. Like, how did I go from fucking a guy that quit comedy now that everybody wants to take a picture with me?

It was surreal. It was very, surreal. And I thought about a time when I used to rape a year before I stopped snorting. I had a dealer that was on the street. I didn't even know his name. I didn't even call him. All I went was to sunset and Western, and I pulled into the McDonald's and made a U-turn, and I stopped in front of the Home Depot. There was a light, and he would come running him from the side streets. You can't fucking believe this shit. And he would come to the car, the driver's side, even though there was another car waiting for a red light right there.

Sometimes he was barefoot. Sometimes he had a bicycle. Sometimes he had sneakers on. He was Spanish, didn't speak no English. He pulled up to the car and he immediately put a Coke rock in your nose to make sure you were in a cop. And even though I knew him like, hey, how are you doing? Sometimes he would just go, what do you want? And I go, give me $60 worth.

and he was just go in a bag of rocks take it out right there at the light and put it in your hand and I would have to drive home with the fucking thing in my hand and meanwhile my hand is sweaty and the coke is starting to fucking melt on my hand

it Jesus it's surreal like where this guy come from what was his name I figured out where I met him I met him behind El Campadre one night outside and after that it was like fucking he he was everywhere when you needed him.

So I have so many. He's crazy. Lee, nobody would believe something like that. Well, how do you just meet a homeless drug dealer behind a Mexican restaurant? We were back. That's where Ralphie used to live, that building. Oh, okay.

I thought you were just behind. I thought you were in, like, we're behind Elcompaidra about one in the morning hanging out. It was like four of us in the circle. I don't remember who was in that circle until this day, but it had to be like Teddy, Ralphie, and all of a sudden he came, broke up the circle,

and started giving us coke in our noses. That's how I met him. I'm like, fuck, you're a godsend. Who walks up to you and puts a Coke rock in your fucking nose? You know what I'm saying? He's like a fairy. Did you? It was like, fucking God.

It was like, and then he disappeared. I didn't see him for like two weeks. Then one day I saw him on Western at two and them all. And did you ever, like, go and like do your little routine and the way night? Have him not show up or did he always? Every time I go there, I think I went there maybe 12 times. The last year I was doing drugs. And he was out all 12 times.

One time he was in the tree. It was fucking insane, man. It was fucking insane, this guy. And I probably got 20 stories like that. But that's the one that really like, I was like, I went to a UFC fight one time with Joe. Joe was working, 2005, 2004. Okay.

Right? I'm sitting there, minding my own business. The guy behind me won't shut the fuck up about the longest yard. Like, I can't watch the fight. He keeps tapping me. Hey, how long were you there for? Hang out with Kevin Nash. You know, did you get to do that?

After about the 20th question, I just got up. I didn't even know what the UFC was. I know Chuck Ladell was fight. And as I was walking in the hallway of the UFC, some guy just comes up to me and starts talking to me in Spanish, like he knows me. And all of a sudden, he didn't know a friend of mine. A friend of mine was there, and he did know him.

And he came up to me, he goes, if you ever need something called his number, I'll bring it up to your room. Wow. And the next time I was in Vegas, I called him up, and it was in my room. He would bring you an A-Bow for $120, and then he'd give you like three sleeping pills

and a couple's annexes and a codeine or something. Ooh, Codine's fun. This motherfucker, it was crazy. I would get to Vegas and call him, and he'd go, call me when you're ready. So once I would do the show with Joe and I'd go back to the hotel, I'd call him, and within 30 minutes, he was there.

He'd tell me like 18 minutes, I'll be there. I'm right next door. Do you think you attracted Coke to you? Like, do people just know that you, like? I don't know how. Well, the guy he was with and me had done a few bumps a couple times. Okay. When I saw him with him, I'm like, ah, this guy must be hell too.

And then the guy started talking to me on the side. It's fucking crazy. I don't know what that guy's name is. I still talk to the guy that I did bumps with from time to time. He lives in Newark now. And next time I talk to him, I'll ask him. I go, who the fuck was that guy? And did they keep in touch with you?

Like, if they saw you were coming to do shows, did you ever get calls? Yeah, they would call me. If I was going to L.A., they would call it. If they would come to L.A. for the weekend, I'd get them tickets to stick out at least on. They'd give me a present. Was it hard?

Like, the first, do you remember the first time you got offered Coke after you quit? Um, I don't remember. Well, not even in the first time, but was it hard? Like, the one that would have offered a joke. That, like, two months after I quit, some guy called me that I knew from the comedy store. Okay. He's like, man, I got a problem. I got $3,000.

I need some coat. Now, if he would have caught me the last year, I would have taken that three grand, he would have never seen me. Right. Because the guy wouldn't have done nothing. And I was that fucking crazy at that time. But I would never, you know, it was like within two months, God gave me a test of two people who called me, said they wanted to meet me.

I met him and they showed up with not $300,000, but $3,000, $5,000. I go, where the fuck were you when I fucking needed you? Because I would have filled that bag with aspirins and crushed it up and then argued, I don't know what the guy's name is. He came up to me on a bicycle. That's wild That you just like

Obviously stealing is never like The right thing to do But You're knowing hearing stories about you And then having someone come up to you I have a problem I have to get $3,000 with a Coke And I have the cash That's like

I'll never forget that I still remember who the comic was He's still in L.A He was like my friend really needs it He'll give you this whatever you could do and I'm like, oh, where were you a fucking year and a half ago? Holy fuck. Yeah, I've always been afraid.

Like, you know, we did a lot of stuff on the church. I've never done Coke. I don't, it's always, like, kind of scared me. Like, just, like, even before the fentanyl stuff. The idea of, like, snorting something. I don't know. It's, it's one of the, the scarier ones to me.

You should be scared, and I'm happy that you never did it, and I'm happy that you're never going to do it. You know, it's, it's, uh, look what, look what it's caused. You know, I was with a friend of mine this weekend, and tight friend of mine. We grew up together, you know, he's my brother. And, you know, he had a son, his son is still. He still has a son, but the sun cleaned up. And we were talking about it.

You know, this guy was telling me shit, and I'm like, I had to stop saying to him, like, Mike, what the fuck did we do at that age? Right. You know, and granted, listen, the stakes were always high. God knows when you're going to do a blast of Coke and somebody's going to die of a heart attack. You know, God knows now. what you're going to do and you can just die from fentanyl.

Whether it's smoking weed, whether it's eating a fucking gummy, you don't know the company. You have to be very careful in your surroundings today. Today's and I speak this to young kids as much as I can. It's over. The days of us in the 70s

buying quailudes at a club, it's fucking over. I wouldn't do it and I'm crazy. I wouldn't fucking do it. And I'm out of my pits. I would not fucking do it right now. I don't want to. You know how many nights I had party?

Think about from 1980 to 2007. How many of those nights were in a room with six or seven people talking nonsense or four people talking nonsense? What if I were to fucking woke up? What if I would have went to bed one night and wake up in the morning and one of those people were dead? I couldn't shake that. I would never get fired. I would never, you know, that's it. I look at life now.

Now, if I team up with you and we meet two girls in Vancouver, and we get Coke at the pharmacy. Right. Now, I wouldn't even put somebody in my room. No, it's very, you know what? Something happened to me this weekend, and I was thinking about you because after the show on Saturday, I was walking back.

I got an Airbnb. I was just walking back. And there was a train station and with a all like a 24-hour convenience store. And as I was walking by, there's home. I don't know if he was homeless. But he was like, you know, just kind of like someone who was out. He had bags at night. Like he looked like a night person.

And he just came like he fell through a door. Like he just fell and crashed through a door. and was laying on the ground making like noises and groaning. And I was, I was walking because I was going to get an Uber because it was raining. And normally I would like help someone who like fell through a door. And was like, but he was just laying there.

He wasn't bleeding or anything, but he was just, uh, which by the way, it makes me laugh. I feel, I get nervous. But I just sat there and I didn't know what to do.

And so I didn't like. And there was another. like homeless guy who didn't say anything to him and he just kept moaning and uh and i i just got in my uber and i left but like i felt bad i just love this poor old like he wasn't old but he was like probably 40s laying on the ground i'm laughing because i think of all my years running around and getting in trouble even for the even for kidnapping all listen i think the worst thing i ever did I was about It was the night

It was about the week Freddie Prince died Okay It was fucking cold as fuck It was January I was a kid I was pissed about Freddy Prince

And me and three of my brothers Me and maybe two other guys Three other guys Were walking home My mother was still alive That lived down I'm giving that terrace And we're like

By 76th Street On Kennedy Boulevard Right there's the high school's there, like 74th Street, the high school's right there. But the high school's like the whole block. Okay. We walk, we walk, we walk, we walk.

And by the time we get, there's a board of ed parking garage in the back. And by the time, me and these two, I don't even know what we were talking about. I think we were maybe coming from a movie. That's what it was. When we'd leave a movie in Fairview Cinema, we'd have to walk like 10 blocks to North Bergen. and then the bus didn't come

because the snow or Jersey somebody got mugged in Jersey City or something, we would start walking and then we'd see the bus going up so we knew the bus would be coming down within 30 minutes and we'd just keep walking to stay warm. Right.

And I'll never forget, we're walking and we hit the border of that and right there, I started hearing, aye. And he was saying, that means help me. Spanish, right? So me and my four buddies, three buddies, we're walking and we're fucking nerds.

The guys he went at the time in North Bergen, these guys are nerds, you know? And I remember like, I wanted to help the guy. He was Hammett. He didn't fall. He was just fucking drunk as fuck. And one of the guys said, let's roll him. You know, let's take his money

and shit. The guy's like, ah. Were you like 11 or 12? Yeah, we tried to help him. The guy's like, I can't. And one of us put our hands in his pocket. and that guy came to life jack and we started kicking him in the chins and shit he went right down

yelling, aye, aye, you're the man, we just started running it. I never saw him. I didn't go to church for like a month after that I was like they're going to catch me in church. Oh my God. Jesus Christ, it is funny. I don't know what it is and I feel bad

but when people fall and make that noise, it does, it is pretty funny. Let me tell you something. I did a lot of funny things with you. We went to a lot of funny cities. Okay. Until this day, there is a night I will never forget. And that's the night in San Francisco

with the homeless guy with the dog. Oh, my God. San Jose, I think. Was it San Francisco? It was right. We were with the Spanish kid. What's right? Butch, we had just done the punchline, and we just went to 7-Eleven to get a snack.

And we're standing in front of the 7-Eleven. We're not bothered anybody. And the guy comes out with a fucking dog, right? And the dog is barking. I don't know what was going on. And we're just giggling. And I think the guy went, left, and then he came back, and he goes, fuck you. You guys laughed at my dog.

And that's when we started going off. I started doing the lines from Raging Bull. Larry, I'm going to go over there and eat that fucking dog. And the guy was like, fuck you. Nobody's eating my dog. And he would run and then he'd come back. I dare you to eat my dog. We're like, I'm going to come down there.

Don't make me go over there and cook that fucking dog. I'll stab and eat him right in front of you. Nobody's eating my dog. Whatever the fuck he was yelling. Then the neighbor came out. Remember the neighbor from across the street came out? Somebody came out and they're like, guys, you got to knock it off. trying to sleep.

That motherfucker wasn't in the house. Two seconds. We're like, I'm going to eat that fucking dog. Didn't you get in the car and like find him again? Am I wrong? I don't know what happened that night. But we were there for like 45 minutes. Just fucking howling.

Howling, which Escobar, me, you, I don't know who else was there. That was the weekend. We were going to bring you to hooker. And we couldn't find you. you're like, what were you? You know, like, I was making the bed. We fucking... No, you kept calling me.

You knew where I was. You kept calling me. That one, I think, was San Jose. I don't know. Yeah, I was San Jose. Because you, because Bush told it about backdoor or whatever, Backpage, and Backdoor's a different website, but back page, and you kept... Like, he kept showing...

By the way, I love that you told Joe about Boys of Hoy. It fucking killed me. But he kept showing us. kept telling us of like an old lady that he would like hook up with. And you told me, you kept telling me. And it was like when you would, I would get really high and you'd call me and you'd tell me the police were coming,

but don't answer the door. And you would just keep calling. And I knew the police weren't coming, but it would get into my head. And so you kept doing that. And you come on, I'm going to get this because I, that was before Paula.

That was like before. And I was, you know, fucking nerdy and single. And you kept, you kept calling. And you were like, She's coming.

And I, yeah, I, I destroy hotel rooms. And I was embarrassed to think of it. And it is funny to think that why would I care what a hooker thought on my hotel room? But I was up like I made the bed. We fucking. I cleaned. I made, I put all my stuff away. Do you also remember, I think it was another Colorado guy, like a U.S. UFC guy who you sent me a picture of a woman with a tattooed asshole.

And you said I had to get on a fly. light to go and she was going to go fart of my face and I was like, who would tattoo an asshole? And I fucking, I had a bagpacked because I never knew. There's something you, that's, the thing you don't know about Joey is that he says when he's fucking with you

and when he's telling this truth, it's the same face. You don't, like, you just, you have such a good poker face and I don't know, like, sometimes like weird shit would happen. And I like, we would just go somewhere randomly. So I'm like, am I going to Colorado? Like, I was like,

It was a picture of a girl with a tab barbed water tattoo around her asshole. And you, and you, like, that's the thing is you fucking link other people into your fucking torture. You had him messaging me. Oh, I have her ready for you.

I'm like, I don't want a girl who's an asshole has a tattoo on it. Oh, my God. I remember a chick with the barbed wire asshole tattoo. Oh. You couldn't fathom a girl's tattoo when they're ass. No, I couldn't fathom. I still can't.

I still can't. Someone has to hold, does she hold her ass cheeks open? And then I can't imagine getting your asshole tattooed. I have nothing against tattoos. Well, we'll take some medibles on Saturday night. And we'll see if you want to get your asshole tattoos. I've never been, that's the thing like that I don't understand when people like,

where they get fucked up and they pretend like they're flying and they jump off of a balcony. I've never been so high. When I get high, I just fucking, you've seen it. I pass out. I don't, I can't fucking, I don't think about doing weird shit. That's because you're a nice kid. You know what I'm saying? You've got no mental problems.

Well, that's not, that's not true. I'm fucking sitting there last night. Okay. Watching, the news was on. Like CNN in one of those fucking things. And I don't know if my wife was watching, you know, maybe she had Netflix on and she turned it off. I walked into it like about 10, maybe 10, 20.

And they were talking about that kid that the parents bought him the gun. Oh, shit. You went to school and now she's getting charged with involuntary manslaughter. That's a good call, you know, but, you know, man, I don't know that child. Or in other words, I don't know that fucking little retard. But I can tell by looking at him that he ain't right. You could tell he ain't right. His parents, God know, they're like any other parent today.

That's young. They're on Instagram also. They're not paying attention, you know. And they buy the kid a gun. He shoots to school. He shoots, I don't know how many kids. I wouldn't even listen to it. I think it was there.

Did they buy him a gun or was their gun? They bought him a gun with some shit. But if you look at this kid, And I'm not trying to be funny or cute. You could tell that there's fucking issues there. And there's goddamn problems, you know? I'm scared now. I'm petrified because I don't know what kids do on a computer.

So, like, tonight, she comes home from kickboxing, right? At 5. She changes. She goes right upstairs. I go up there every 45 minutes. To just check on her? Just to ask her a stupid question, but I'm really looking at the computer. And you're looking at your kid's rooms and I know when I was a kid, my mom was always in there snooping.

And as I got older, my mom was always in there snooping. Well, and I'm sure you might just not know, but does your wife have a thing that like keeps track of everything she does on there? Well, there's no, there's a block on stuff. Okay, yeah. And she's really good with the games. We were friends with that guy in California who made the games. Uh-huh. So whenever Mercy comes with a game, my wife will call that dude and say,

what do you think about this game? He'll go, don't let her go on there. She could do this on there. They could crack the screen. They could do it. So we watch as much as we can because you and I both know. It's like that song by fucking James Addiction. We have more influence with your children than you do.

Yeah. You know? And that's just something that. is a fucking reality. You know, that's it. When I was fucking 14, I love basketball. If fucking Michael Corrin would have told me Jesus was Puerto Rican, I would have believed them.

You know, if Julius Serving told me to jump off a bridge that I learned how to jump high, I would believe him, you know? So I know that children are impressionable. And that's, you know, and you look at these things and you go, you know what? My actions are not being a, I'm not being like a fucking nosy parent. I'm just concerned that she's not up there watching fucking Hamas raping people, whatever the fuck, you know.

You can find anything. I don't think you're being a nosy parent. I think that's like what a good parent does. I think you have to. I mean, especially, like, the internet really isn't a place for, like, kid it's a like the even even the games Athena's kids play Roblox like that they can message you they can friend you

it's not like it's it's not and this is I know everyone talks about Taylor Swift now I have nothing against Taylor Swift but like I don't remember loving anything the way I see like people like Athena's kid hurt girls it's like when the like you know how like people were like beating the cars of the Beatles Like that's what they go crazy when

When she's on screen Watch on football Like they go crazy For like all of it Like it's just I've never seen anything like that You know she's she's not into Taylor Swift She's not into American dolls And she ain't into Disney

Honest to God She comes down She watches movies with me She's into school work and like I said, I'm involved. I'm not on the road. So I'm watching. I see her friends.

I see the friends that come over. I talk to the parents. You know, I'm around. When she gets off the bus, I'm outside. When she gets on the bus, I'm outside. My wife is outside in the morning. I'm outside in the afternoon. But I wave at her from the window.

I watch and I go out there because people could just follow a bus. You can get dropped off. and a car just a year a day or today somewhere some guy tried to haul an 11 year old girl so fuck i'm not even talking about i'm talking about my child there's a fucking safety concern like you know having a weapon up there whether i had a boy or girl you know they just but you could see those kids are fucked up and i grew up with fucked up kids but they weren't fucked up like that kid I saw on the screen. That's a different type of fucked up.

That's like he had no friends, alienation type of dude, was always on the computer. Let me tell you something. I've never gone into the dark web. I don't use the dark web. If you know anything about my computer savviness, you know me that I don't know anything about anything. If you go through my fucking things on the computer,

it's all health shit. Right. Benefits of eating carrots for men over 60. Benefits for a thumb up your ass for men over 60. You know, how many times, how many hours a week? That's 90% of the shit you'll find. You'll find some shit on jiu-jitsu, a lot of shit on music. You know, I just got over the holidays.

I don't know what happened. Like the 24th, the 25th and something like that. Somebody used my ATM card to get you point. not you porn, the other one where the girls, you charge you a month? Charterbank? Or Only fans? What is it?

Only fans. And I told my wife, my wife's like, are you crazy? I go, how long you know me? I go upstairs and call the fucking bank and they'll tell you, you know. And I told it, I said, before the pandemic, only fans was contacting a lot of comedians and offering them deals to come over.

her. Okay. I didn't know what OnlyFans was. I had no idea. You were talking to me a little bit about Patreon, but you knew I didn't like it

early on at church or anything. And I remember that there was a girl at the store one night. That was very nice. Not my type, but she was telling me

she was on OnlyFans. And I said to her, so you're on OnlyFans as a comedian? And she goes, no, I show my tinnies on that. So when Only fans approached me three months later or whatever. I'll never forget. I signed up for a thing

just to see what she put on that. Jesus Christ, it was completely different than what I anticipated. And I canceled it at the end of 30 days, and I never thought about it again. So I told my wife, I guarantee it's one of those charges. She went back. She goes, yeah, this is like 2019. You signed up. Why would it be charging you now? But I don't even know any of. I don't even know anybody on OnlyFans. I believe you, but it is, I could see other people be like, yeah, you know, someone just stole my credit card.

I had $800 of OnlyFans subscriptions. And what they did, the Bank of America, what they did was they knew that they saw those charges. They denied a different charge on me. That's what made me go to the bank. And the lady goes, you have to call

OnlyFans. When she said it to me, I was so fucking back. I don't have to tell you. I was so fucking embarrassed. So I came home. I talked to my wife about it. And she's like, yeah, now they got, but I don't even go on that stuff. I don't, you know, I don't do anything on that. I don't look into guns or weapons or why would I? Why would I? It was weird. I know you're not even a huge porn guy, but in Virginia, I was, you're not allowed to go on like porn sites. Well, not something you're not allowed, but you have to, like, give them a picture of your ID.

Like, could you imagine giving your pictures of an ID to go look at, like, Pornhub? Like, Pornhub, it doesn't even work in Virginia. And the other ones, you have to literally make an accountant take a picture of your ID to prove you're over 18. I don't have the time. I don't want, I don't want to give my ID to a porn website. Anything I sign up for, my wife does it. Any apps I have to download for a project, anything, anything, weight watches, the classes I take now on Tuesdays, all that shit.

She downloads all that stuff. My breathwork fucking app. You know, just so I don't know what's going on. I'll sign up for two years. Next thing you know, they're taking $200,000. I'm on minus fucking $199,000 because I don't know what I'm fucking doing. Right. That's why I keep you what I'm doing.

I figured out out of Google things, you know, and I do what do you mean? figured it out. Yeah. You go to Google and your press enter. Yeah, but I don't know, like, sometimes I'm looking for a friend of mine that I maybe did time with. I get high at night, and I start thinking about shit. I go, let me find if I could find this guy. Nine out of ten, I can't find them whether I'm feeling lucky or I go on the Google search. You know, I don't even know what the press right. So I'm going to Google search. I'm feeling like it's just the first result, like the first result. What's that? So like when you go to Google, if you hit, I'm feeling lucky, whatever the first link is, is the one that it's going to open.

And if you think a crazy motherfucker like me is going to go on like a page of weapons and try to look, I was raised, I would never even go through that because that waves a flag. Listen, we tell you that the internet's not monitored, but it is. Oh, fuck, yeah. When you go... Who told you it wasn't monitored? Well, that's what it's supposed to be. Not really monitor it.

Like, you know, you keep going to a page to how to make a fucking shoe bomb. Eventually, somebody's going to knock on your fucking door. You know what I'm saying? You try it. Try it three or four times. How to make an explosive nuttack and fucking, you know, I got big balls. I might as well put a bomb in my nut sack. How do I do it?

You hit that Google search three times. Somebody will knock on your foot. fucking dog. Hell. And I don't, you know, this isn't just me talking to you. So there's no crazy communication on my pages

like this. You know, why? Why? It's like stealing a car. If the cops pull you over, you're in it. The evidence you're in it. You're sitting on it. Right. So you just, it's a fucking vehicle for me to read shit.

I'm lazy sometimes, so I just want to cut through the shit. And that's it. I would love to look at your Google searches, though. I feel like there might be a couple funny ones. Oh, I would just love to know what you Google. Fucking fungi toenail. Remedies.

You know, I've Googled that search. That's my heaviest fucking search. There's a search of how to cure the fungi toenail. And it's only two ways. You can read 1,000 pages. And there's two ways. Either stick your feet and gasoline and let them on fire. and then you piss blood for two years, you know.

Holy shit. Could you cut the toenail off and let it regrow? Or is it just in there? I've been doing here for the last 10 years. No, but the whole toenail. No, I got one on the right one. And when I got one on the left one, and every time you cut them,

smoke comes out of them. It is tremendous. I don't cut them just to cut them to see the smoke come out of it. Like, it's like the fungi flies up in the air. I love it. And then I sand them down. I know.

I'm embarrassed to even go to jih Tzu with my fucking lizard feet, but what are my options to go in there with fucking sandals and shit? Oh my God. I do remember I was thinking about you this week, too. You might know where I'm going with this. Like the three weeks I did jiu-jitsu,

we rolled once, and I got my, I've had a callous on my big toe for fucking 35, I don't know, all of my life. And I got you with it, and you called it the Auschwitz toe? You said it was like my superpower move.

He said I could win every tournament. That was the football. That was the fucking foot. Your grandfather used an Archwitch. He would stop to, no. He would just kick him next. Kick him with that toe. Through the years, the toe got harder and harder, you know.

Oh, it gets you. I fucking got Athena's kid with it the other day by accident. She looked at all. You put a hole in my skin. Really? No, she wasn't bleeding or anything, but we were playing around and it touched her. So far, I'm up to 800 milligrams, you know.

Oh, my God. So far? It's just another day in the park. It's Monday. These motherfuckers don't know. I went to red light therapy today. I changed my whole fucking molecular cell structure. Nice.

I got a shot. I got in Texas going through my fucking body now. The stem C. Are you going to keep doing that? Can you do that in New Jersey? That's interesting. Do your knees feel better? No.

Okay. Not so far. It takes time. Right. That makes sense. It takes time, you know, but they feel better. Like, I gave them a lot. I waited a week, but then I gave them a lot of blood for three days.

I fucking rode the bikes. I put some weight on it. And then, now they feel a little better than last week. I'm not doing nothing crazy. I'm not squat and nothing like that. It's all walking stairs and going to jihitsu and lifting at the gym. I'm not doing no fucking nothing crazy.

I'm just trying to stay alive. Lee, I'm trying to laugh, have a good time. Last week, I ate a bag of dicks on stage, Lee. Oh, really? Brutal. But I did try to the turban joke. That didn't. They didn't like it?

Ah, you know, that was one of my darkest fantasies. You know, I looked at my daughter's recital Tuesday night. Mm-hmm. And, you know, my daughter's Irish. She's a half-breed, so she's got the Cuban bloodness. So, you know, they gave it. At least it's in her fucking league. Right.

But they gave this Indian kid like the triangle. And I'm sitting there, like the whole fucking thing. And I'm going, why did they give this poor fucking little Indian kid the triangle. You know what I'm saying? Like, why? Why couldn't they give him a fucking, he's a natural on the flute. You know, a little flute with a snake and those sandals that are pointing shit. That motherfucker would be over there like, what's his name? What's the guy? Do, do, do, do, do, do. That dude with the long hair, Jay-Z's cousin, the white

dude with the long hair we were kids. Jay-Z's cut? I, I, oh, Rick Rubin? No. He has, like, He plays the fucking whatever. I don't know anyone who plays the flute. Like in 1995, I was on a restaurant in Seattle and he was there. I forget what his fucking name is a musician. Do do, do, do do do, do, do.

Whatever. Anyway, it doesn't. But can you imagine if they actually gave the Indian kid a flute? That would be front-page news if they made an Indian kid play the flute. if they actually in an Indian. Why? He's a natural. Somebody in his fucking culture went to a carnival

and played the flute at some time. I'm not trying to be cute here. But every time you see Indians they're playing like the little flute and the snake's trying to come out of the hat. I've never seen this. I've never seen one Indian with a flute before. It's all over the cartoons.

He goes to India. Oh, holy shit. Oh my God, the poor kid, and he probably, he probably just stunk. Why are you going to give the poor Indian kid? I like the kid. I know the kid. He lives like two doors down. I like the kid.

But I was pissed off. Handsom kid, smart as a fucking whip. Why didn't, did you go to him and say, why don't you ask for the flute? No, because then he's going to go, why the flute? And I got to break it down. His family tree. He's Americanized plus one now. He don't even know about flutes or snakes or sandals.

He's got a little, let me tell you something. Then there's another Indian family that goes to Jiu-Jitsu with mercy. The mom is fucking cool as shit. The dad always comes up to me. I'm going to bring my friend from work. He's a big fan. But the kids, man, they're going to be models because they're like Americanized.

They're going to be models. Both of them. He's handsome as fuck. He's got a nice little hairdo and she's going to just be Americanized, beautiful Indian girl. Beautiful, man. American Indians, beautiful. So. But they didn't like the turban joke.

What else? Like, how did it feel to bomb? Did it feel bad? Did you like it? Like, what were you going through? There was a reaction from my body. I didn't shit my pants. I didn't pull a bert, but there was a reaction. Like I, not that I started sweating, but I found myself and I put myself there to see how it feels, you know. But this week, I plan to go out two nights. I plan to go two nights.

Brett Hurts invited me Friday and Saturday, the bananas, East Rutherford. Tomorrow I got a spot I'm going to, and then you'll be here on Saturday. Yeah, I'll be there all weekend. Somebody invited me to a show Saturday, like it's not a paid show.

It's like an open mic and a bar, and he's got something maybe Thursday night. So if I could pop two out of fucking three, I'm good. Then hopefully I'll see you Saturday. night and fucking uh we can eat some edibles and kill the rest of these mushrooms and fucking we can have a nice breakfast oh i can't wait over at fucking stacks i can't wait um did you when you were bombing like did it discouraging do you did you get upset like oh maybe i shouldn't

do stand up no okay no no no no no not even Even fucking close. Before we get into this conversation, let me take a quick little break here. I want to talk to you guys about Draft Kings, the Super Bowl, and I want to talk to you guys about Hello Fresh and the chicken, Bolanaz you can make at home. Give me two minutes, Lee.

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Lee Syatt. So you were asking me? I was asking you, I asked you if when you were bombing, like if at all you got a little bit discouraged and not like, because you have this 10 set thing and you want to see how it goes. Like is that, is the fact that one of them was a bomb like, did it bum me out? Not even close. Okay. No reason to bum me out. It made me like it even more.

It made me go to the notebook and write a little more. That's what you do when you bump. You don't blame it on the sound. You don't blame it on the audience. You don't blame it on your head, do, or your sweatpants. You did something wrong. So I'm sticking to my word. And I fucking went home and I wrote three other things.

I tossed a fucking gay Catholic singer joke. It's not working. It's just not getting them. I'm definitely tossing the napkin joke. I don't have a closer for that one yet. And it hits too close to a whole. I don't want my wife to see me doing that joke. Okay.

I added some other that I'll try this week. And like do you, like let's imagine the opposite. Like let's say after whatever it's been a year of not doing stand-up, you went back and you were just killing every time. Would like, would that be boring? Like, would you not like it if you were killing every set? Listen, who doesn't like to kill? Right.

But if you know anything about me after the fourth or fifth set, I'd be suspect. That's why I want to do dropping open mics. They don't know nothing. Nobody knows nothing. It's comics. It's not people who would usually come to see me. I'm doing that for a reason.

There's little things that I do that you'll go, he's a fucking, you know, everybody's probably looking at me going. He's an idiot. He could be getting paid fucking big money for these. I'd rather not. I'd rather just have a good time. Go back to. the basics, we learn some stuff.

Listen, whoever doesn't like creating is fucking crazy. If I'm a baker right now, and I go to some restaurant, I eat the coconut cake, and it's three times better than mine, I'm going to ask for the baker, and I'm going to go, listen, I'm a baker in New York.

What's you put in this fucking cake? It's delicious, and they'll say, where I add it a little lemon, lemon juice, I let it sit overnight, and then you add it to yours. That's creating. Yeah. You know, you look at a picture on a wall.

You've been painting this fucking thing for a year. And all of a sudden, people are telling you it's beautiful, but you know there's something missing. It needs color. When you fucking do it and it works, there's no better feeling. And you take it back to like I watched those stupid Sylvester Stallone movies. Okay.

And I was in a fucking, I couldn't sleep. And I was watching this one. movie and it made a lot of sense. It's one step, it's one punch, and it's one round. It's one step, it's one punch, it's one round. That's all you should be

worrying about. But as young comics, now I've got to worry about social media, I got to take a picture with fucking Joe Rogan and get it on my fucking website. There's so much other shit. What I'm trying to do with the book and with you when we

talk is bringing it back to base. You want to be a good comic. Let's start that. When it's time to fucking shine on social media, we'll get to that level. These are all levels. When you start mixing them, you know, you had a very interesting question this morning.

Okay. Which I thought about all that. And I kind of felt to be critical about the answer I gave you. When you're young and somebody takes, they want to notice you, you know, it's always great to take a meeting with them and speak to them. you know, whatever, and see what they're looking to do. But nine other times, if there anybody,

don't make contact with you, come watch you. And if they're something, if you see something special in you, they'll check on you every 90 days. Okay. And they go on you. I remember when I got to LA, I wanted to manage you so bad. And there was a guy that was, he had clients. They were all working on TV,

and they were all working as acting comics. and I took a meeting with him. Okay. So did Josh Wolf. And I'll never forget that when I sat down. He went in his, he turned around and in his fucking file. He had a file with my name on it. And all the sets, he had seen me with the results and what he thought.

Whoa. The guy didn't sign me. He ended up quitting the business and becoming a millionaire with a dot-com company or something. asked Josh about him. But he had, his clients were good. His clients, I still remember their names. I'm not going to drop them. He had clients that at the time were fucking doing great things

and film and television. And they were all at the store. And he was at the store every night. You know, but it was very impressive that he had watched me and paid attention. And the dates were accurate. I was at those places. That's so organized.

Again, that's, it's really tough. Like, you were talking about, like, an episode or two ago, but, like, not being desperate. And, like, when you, like, when you said that guy didn't book sign you, if someone doesn't sign you right away, is it like, it just seemed like it would bum me. How long did it take you to not get affected emotionally by that stuff? Listen, man, it's, at the time I had the store. So all that ship was just bumps and bumps. I wouldn't bother Mitchie sure to manage me. Like, Mitzy, what are you going to manage me?

Ah, I don't have time for that and all that shit, you know. And I remember I signed with a manager who's a great guy still talk to him today. I don't think he was prepared for Hollywood. Okay. And I was more aggressive. And then I signed with a guy who was very good. Until today, I thank him for, I thank him for my, I thank Jeff.

because he showed me the importance of film and television. And I saw it. And I ran with the advice he gave me and what he taught me. When he signed me, I was a glorified feature. He didn't pull no punches. He goes, I'm not going to make any money with you, $500 a week. Right. Yeah.

That's $50 in my pocket. That's not money to me. So if you want to be with me, you've got to start acting. Let's go get a couple of jobs, then come back to me. And I booked basketball and the pilot. And I bumped into him with a commercial. And I bumped into him at a parking lot at the improv. And I told him.

And he goes, let's set up a meeting. Let me get the reels. When I got there, he had all my tape ready. And he goes, let's work on this. Let's work on that. He had a fucking plan. Yeah. That's like that's what I'm looking for.

We went right from acting class. Like there's usually like a little period. where people milkier and shit. Not him. I think on my third audition, I was sitting in the room with fucking movie stars. I was like, oh,

no. Like the education I got from being with him, those three years of auditions from 99 to maybe 2003, I thought I wasn't doing any work, but he was getting me into rooms with big-time people because he believed in me. and I didn't book that job that day. But then those people would see me again,

and now I went to producers. And then they would see me again, and I would go to producers on everything, until one day I just busted three of them. You know, it was like taxi, the longest yard. There was like three big things I did because I just didn't get those. I had been working on those.

It was the same. Tony's got the same casting directors. They all meet and talk about Lisa. I just had this little Jewish kid Lisa Addy. He was chubby, he danced in the room. Anybody you know? I saw him at the improv last month. I kind of

liked them. Maybe we'll call him in for another meeting. And then you come in and your hands are shaking and they'll go, listen, we love you but you're still a big green, but we'll be thinking about you. And then not once later you see him and you got two more credits

and now you're more confident in the room. And that time you won't get it. It went to a big time name. But the next time, you're going to fucking bang it out. It's because you talk about this is the best time of your, like your favorite time of your career. Like, that's the, I think part of you do. I mean, I've heard you and a lot of headlenders talk about, like, the open mic feature levels,

like, your, the time you look back on with, like, the most fondness for a variety of reasons. but as someone who's there right now, it's like, I think it's when you start anything. It's like to get someone to take a first, uh, faith, like,

have a faith in you and take a chance on you. It's like so hard to get like the big, it's just, you feel like you're there. And then no, people just like, I don't know, they don't believe,

not they don't believe in you, but they, they, they don't want to take the risk. Well, here's how, come I believe it because I saw it. Not with me. I saw it with Bobby Lee.

I saw it with Steve Renner-Zizi. I saw it with Punky, the girl from Sinai Live. I saw it with, I can't tell you how many people. I can't tell you how many people I saw one day when they were living with four people and the next day they were living in a fucking mansion, Ralphie Mae. I saw it. I saw the miracles. And once you see the miracles, you feel differently.

You go, oh, shit. Most people go, fuck Lee. He's not even funny. He's got that fucking car. It's because he was on that podcast for nine years. No. What you're supposed to say is, I'm happy for fucking Lee.

I'm going to start drinking the same thing he was drinking. I'm going to start doing what he was doing. I'm going to cheer in my. that doesn't mean I'm going to be in his back pocket to see what I could get from him. I'm going to cheer him on. And that's what I did with Ralphie. Me and Ralphie was slept on the same floor. You know, for four or five, let me see.

Ralphie hit, when I hit the longest yard, Ralphie was all, he had just one last comic standing. And he had just done a month at the Harris or some shit. Wow. And he had already moved. the apartment. He was on Beverly now. He was eating fucking sushi at that place on Beverly. He was fucking driving two new cars. He had a pound of weed on this dresser in the living room, that little coffee table. There was a pound of weed in there at all times. You just went over there, opened it up and took a butt out of it and rolled the joint. It was unbelievable when he opened up his

doors to everybody. I still remember when he bought the house and we were all up there. You know, and it was like, holy fuck. And then for years, he would come home on Monday and pick me up and buy me $600 worth of weed and edibles and cookies. And we go to eat at Chin Chin, you know, we fucking do all. You know, I saw it. I saw Joe Rogan and the show on NBC thinking he was going to become a big standup. And next thing you know, he's on fucking news radio. Uh, he's on fear factor.

Right. You know, out of nowhere. And next thing you know, we're doing shows and going up to his room after we're to order and room service and talking into some fucking thing. Every Saturday, every Friday, and I would goof on him. Dog, who are you talking to? Who's home on a Friday night?

13 year olds that are fucking whacking off looking for free entertainment. That's JRE today. Yeah. That's fucking JRE today. So you think about what I saw and how that makes you a believer. It's like the people in the Bible that saw Jesus turn bread to fucking, you know, fish. Right. Well, it's the same thing.

I saw human beings turn nothing into something. And that's fucking big when you see it. That's big, man. Yeah. Yeah, there's been a couple of people. like in my class like there's one guy Michael Bloustin he does

he's part of like the Stiff Sox podcast him and I were doing open mics at the fourth wall and now he has he has like I think two sold out nights at the Wilbur Oh And two sold out of the Wilbur Yeah

Yeah that and once you see it You go okay at least I'm on the right fucking path because I was rolling with that motherfucker so That's the, that's your feather. That's what people don't see. Young comics.

Old comics, they don't see that. That that guy just kicked open the door for you. You're not going to go in his back pocket. You're going to get that energy and do something on your own. And that's very inspiring. That's the best thing you could ever fucking see. That, listen, when we first started the podcast and a year later, we were just selling out one night a week.

and if anybody knows me, for me, that was good enough. You'd just sell it one night. If I come into your town on a Thursday and sell it out, shit. Because I came from a world where for 20 years I showed up and there was eight people. Right. They weren't there to see me. They were there to see Joe. So I had to learn to live with that.

And that's strong as a comic. Because most comics would say, I'm not going to go there to see him anyway. No. There's an opportunity for you to learn and to get better and to open up for a comic and to face different audiences. And secretly, you're building your audience. Hopefully. Yeah, because I remember still talking to a tell. And Attel telling me, dog, you're doing a great job as a feature.

He goes, because you're everywhere, every fucking week, twice a year. And that means you're building eight, 10, 11, 13 people. and guess what they want to say. I knew Lee Syatt when he was a feature act, opening for Diaz, opening for Josh Wool. I knew he was going to be a star. Now when you do get your first movie, they're going to be there, fucking jumping up and down,

going, I was here. I fucking knew it. I told you motherfuckers. And that's even a better fucking feeling. That's even fucking, you know. It was very inspiring to see, because I was lucky enough to go to a bunch of your specialty. tapings.

But at that point, maybe they, I forget what Netflix was, what year it was, but I wasn't really into stand-up at the time, like when I went to Chicago and then to Vegas, like to see him film it. It was just very like, I even sat,

the theater is great. It's like super old and you can smoke. And there's a staircase and I just sat and I couldn't see him, but I could hear him. I just smoked a joint and like listen to him. and it did great and the shows were fun

but it was just cool for a second to like imagine 20 years from now, whatever it is, 15 years from now that if I get to record a special. Hey brother, once you're there and you smell it and you go, okay,

you know what? I can't do this tomorrow but it's one day that this is going to change and I'll be doing one of these. And it's really, really, you know, I don't know. It was, uh,

listen, I don't know. I never wanted to be no big time comic. I did it to just, I don't know. But it was great to see what I saw. And the knowledge I got, it was fucking amazing. From the sets and the people I was with, do you ever think, if you ever thought I was going to do it, I still remember going to see Analyze.

that on a date and leaving the movie theater. I went to see it up at a Universal City. Okay. At a matinee. And I remember leaving there going, what the fuck am I doing my life? What the fuck I'm doing? There was two movies I went to see and I left there.

Like, what am I doing? Jerry McGuire in Seattle, like that feeling that movie gave me. I was like, I got to get into the movie business. That's it. I'm going to LA to get movies, but I'm like, I'll only be an extra. And then it was just a couple things that I was like, man,

this is what I want to fucking do. Once I got like, there was one, I started shooting all those little movies, you know, nobody would see, but I'd take so much pride in them, and I could see I was ahead of the other people. Like, once I was on, I was on. At least I knew what was going,

going on considering where I came from. I never went to an acting class. I shot two or three movies with no acting experience, not movies, but two or three things. One being a pilot, that's why you don't see me in the pilot, and basketball being another. I didn't know what I was doing. And then I got into an acting class. And like by 2003, I knew what I was doing now, And I was going up in front of those people that I was going up in front of, from 1999 and 2000. And now I was getting farther with them. Right. What was it about Jerry Maguire that inspired you?

Jay Moore. Really? Jay Moore was a stand-up from New Jersey. I mean, Jay Moore was a lot of handsome then. I'm no Jay Moore. But just that feeling that he was a stand-up. up gave me a you know i still remember coming here and being an open micer and his name he was there was like little uh newspaper advertisements everywhere with his name him bill bellamy uh you know

i forget who else then but felicia michael's i remember nick to paolo when i came in 93 those guys were all dave chapelle and just done robin hood men and tights you know there was just so many people look at that. Chappelle had, that was 31 fucking years ago. And he still doing, he still killing it. So Chappelle did a movie then,

which at the time, you didn't think nothing of it. Now, when you look at his movie career, it started with that movie. Well, that one in the stoner one, the one he did. Half baked, you know, but. And Robin Hood had been in Tides. Yeah, it was,

that's interesting. That, like, is that how like they get in? is they get popular with the movie and then they can run with stand-up? I've always believed that. A lot of people don't. I think it gives people a different look. Do you think podcasting is similar to that now?

I think podcasting is bigger because you get to know who the fuck I am. You get to know my life, what I went through, whether I choose to say it. And, you know, if I don't choose to, but can you imagine, like, All right, let's say somebody from Yellowstone. Okay.

Let's talk about Beth. You ever watch Yellow? Beth. I've watched a couple clips. I know who Beth is. Beth is the best character on TV. Wow. Bam.

Let's say Beth did a podcast every week. She's Australian, right? Her accent. Yeah. So let's say Beth does a podcast. Like I just saw Beth in a movie with Denzel. when he plays the pilot and the pilot, the airline flight.

She plays like a fucking chick that's smoking heroin and shit. Oh, I didn't know that. She just didn't pop up and get yellow stumped. Right. She did show the appearances, maybe two or three of them you caught. And that's why, like, I don't know. I'm trying to figure out how to do it. Like, what am I trying to say here?

There's got to be some type of pages to show people where it all comes together. You know, it's like what I hate right now, what's going on with comedians. People think these comics just came out of an apartment one day and started cracking jokes. They discredit the 20 years before that. You know?

I remember opening for Lewis C.K. in 94 and 95 in Seattle. I think Josh Wolf was there with us. Are you fucking kidding me? And that wasn't a big room. Then that was the room in Seattle at the time, but it wasn't a theater. It wasn't. There was an improv there. It wasn't an A room.

They shut it down. But I always want people to know it's a long time. And it's not one thing. It's going to be a bunch of little things. And then they all come together one day. Some of the best advice one day I got from executive producer along his yard. He goes, this movie didn't shine for you as much as you. anticipated it, but don't worry about it.

10 years from now, this movie's going to change you in people's eyes because it's going to connect you with other roles and other projects. And then people go, oh, okay, I saw him in an episode of Cokease. That was 2003. I saw him in taxi and that was 2004. I saw him in Spider-Man and that was 2002. people start connecting all that. I saw him in Grudge Match in 2013. I walked out of the movie theater.

I saw, you know, like, I saw him in the Sopranos. That one, I was happy he got shot. You know, people will tell you. And it's pretty interesting. It's very interesting. And the same thing would stand up. That's why I told you to do that thing every 90 days. Because I want people to document it.

That's something. It's completely. different than why I thought I told you. I told you the show and write it all. It becomes people acquainted with you now as the feature act. Right.

You got your own world. It's a YouTube page. It don't cost you nothing. If you want people to shop on there, they can buy sneakers on there. They can buy the juice sneakers. You were on stage and all that stuff. You know. Fuck it. It's really a great world.

And you learn. a lot. Yeah. And one day that knowledge all comes together. It's, I'm looking forward to that happening, but it's also like,

it's, I, I'm nowhere near quitting at all. But it definitely, it stings more than I'd like to admit it does when like either a set doesn't go well or if a club doesn't like me or,

I take it personal. Expect them not to like you, Lee. Make believe they're all fucking German. Expect them. Okay? That makes your life easier. Expect them not to love you. Expect for you to walk in and go, hi.

I open up for Josh and Joe Diaz. I'm here to report for duty and they're like, that's great. Here's the keys to the condo, take a hike. Right. You know, until you. you become valuable to them. Yeah. Until one day they went in middle of a football game,

they see you jumping down, up and down a commercial next to the quarterback in Kansas City. Yeah, Patrick Mahal. They fucking look at the TV and go, oh, shit. I just had that little motherfucker at my club last month. Now next time you come, you're going to, even though you're not a movie star, and even though you're still a feature, he's going to treat you differently. How does that make you feel about people? Like if they just start treating you differently when you start, like when you can help them.

Because now they see the effort in you. Now they go, oh, if he booked one, he can book two. Right. And if he booked two, he could book three and something really big. And here I am being a shit at to him as a club manager or as an agent or as an employee at a club. Because now you become an asset. You are a potential. This guy has potential of being in a TV show.

As a matter of fact, the guy that from Kirby enthusiasm is taking him on the road. There's little things that people see. And that's why it's not their fault if they don't like you. It's the way that they were programmed. They're not there to hate you. They're there to like you. you know and there's two ways you could fucking make them laugh and be a shithead

or make them laugh and be a gentleman right and that's I always try I feel like I'm always polite to everyone but when you're looking back and I've heard you talk about it a little bit but looking back for the people who did help you out when you couldn't help them

do you feel like do you feel different towards them than you do against like, you know, people who come along later. What do you mean? Like the first guy, like the guys who would bring you out in Denver or like the guy or, you know, if a club started headlining you when you weren't selling tickets. Like, do you look back? Do you look at those people and like, when you do more for them or like, do they mean more

to you than it does for someone who? There's a guy in Houston that used to headline me when nobody was even thinking about it. and I remember the first room I sold out was Houston. Like over the Christmas holiday, I sold out one of the shows. And the rest of the shows, I wasn't doing bad. And he saw it. I didn't see it. And I remember trying to get an agent, a booking agent.

And if you're not selling tickets, again, there's not much a booking agent could do for you. If he puts you in 10 clubs and you're getting 100 of the show, we got a problem. we got to start from scratch now. Thank God because of the podcast and the Rogan and the movies, everything was falling into place. So I went from going to a club for a weekend. First time I went out as a headline, it was Columbus. I had a bag of dicks.

They didn't bring me back for a year and a half. And then I found out they were clothes and stuff. But how bad do you think I felt about that? Yeah. I went from selling one night a week for a year. I would come to NIAC and do Thursday night, sell it out, everybody. Then I come back to next year or two years later. Then I do Wednesday and Thursday and sell it out.

Then I come back two years later, and now I was selling out Wednesday, two shows and Thursday two shows, which meant I could sell out a weekend. Right. So if I wouldn't have done that, I kept growing. I was very fortunate. and the show that made the statement was me and Ari in the House of Blues in Chicago. Really?

We sold it out and everybody got a memo. They sold out the House of Blues and everything changed. It's all different steps. When was that? I remember. I still remember selling out a show

with Ari and Buffalo at a theater like 300 tickets where we got the Fidel Castro T-shirts and shit. Yeah, I remember that. It all had to start somewhere. That was over, you know, 15 years ago, I had to be. You know, so it was all patience.

You know, that's why when most comics, and then they trick you. And there's people who trick you. How? Like yesterday, the line all week was four on Baltimore. And then they did an old school trick. They raised the line on you. and now it makes you think what's going on fuck it if they've raised the line

they tried to switch all the money in baltimore you saw the result sometimes i'll do a fake i want you to look at the steps and how they do it you do a couple things and all of a sudden they blast you on a theater tour for 8995

people want to know why you're doing theaters and why you're charging 8995 they think you're going to see the fucking beach fucking part and half and then you just go, it's another stand-up comic. There's a lot of marketing tactics

that they use. And they get you with them every five or six years. They just trick you? It's the same thing as a marketing scam. But that's... Like, I did a lot of thinking since last night about this.

And like, something that I've always... like I guess admired about you is like how you would tell me little things, but you would say even before I started stand up like with like agents or managers, like you have to tell them like you have to say like saying no is hard for me. Like saying no, a lot of things in life is hard for me. This is all new to you. This is all new to you.

The reason why I like that you're doing this is because when you get to that level, they can't sell you on this. You've already done the paperwork. This is why I always stick up for Brendan. Brendan didn't have this. Brendan didn't have these six years, seven years that you're experiencing right now. Right. Went from behind a fucking dashboard and a computer rule to being a co-host of a podcast.

You learned the numbers. You learned when he got into it. And I'm not saying nothing bad about Brendan. I love Brendan to death. he never had this. And this is the period that you want, if you're going to be a comedian, a podcaster,

a fucking actor, which is what we ultimately are at the end. We do it all. But I always felt this period was special to me, and most comics will tell you, because that prepared you for bigger things. Without this period in comedy, two things are going to happen.

either you're going to get demolished early on or you get demolished, you pick up your bags, you go back to nuts and bolts, and you do it the right way. And next week's podcast, we'll talk about when that happened in our moment of comedy.

You know, Rovarez came on, and then Tim Allen came on, and they were both hits. so the networks got really cool, and they said, well, let's put on a couple other comedian and developed shows with them. These shows got developed, and they worked. But because of ratings and shit like that,

the shows didn't work out. And I know three comics personally that, you know, hey, listen, when your show gets canceled, I can't imagine that feeling to get that fault. When you've gotten out of that realm of stand-up comedy, now on your terms. Now you've got to go in there what you tell between your legs.

Right. And these guys ended up being three of the best comics that we have today. Greg Giroldo being one of them, Margaret Cho being the other one, and our great friend, Tom, you know.

So, no, the other guy, Tom, the crazy guy. Roads. Didn't Bill Barr got a show's canceled, too? Who? El Burr? Yeah, early young. 98, 99, 97

on the All-Star show that was supposed to work. Everybody was a star. Can you imagine that? If I tell you, hey, listen, the guy from modern family, the guy from sons of anarchy, all these stars are going to do a network and they want you to do a recurring row.

You're like, Mom, by the house. 50 episodes that these fucking losers. And next thing, no, the show gets canceled after 20 episodes because the ratings are shitty. That's a different fucking ego buster. But hey, what do you got this week,

Coxucker? This week, the third on Saturday, I'll be featuring at the dojo, 9 p.m. on Saturday. And then if you're in the city on Thursday... Scotch Plains or Morris Plains? Morris Plains, the comedy dojo at TIFs. If you Google the Dojo, you might not find it, but it's at TIFs.

Andre Kim is the headliner, great guy. I'm very excited for it. And then Thursday and Friday, I'll be at a couple different places in the city. look at my social media. All right. There you go. Hopefully I'll see you Saturday night after tips.

Oh, I'm pumped. Yeah, that'd be great to see you. The show for you and shit. You get all nervous to start stuttering and shit like this fucking simulcast. Anyway, you should host and fucking just blow me out of the water.

No, I'm not hosting. I can't do that with anybody. But hey, I love you. Have a great week. I'm going to do two sets this week. So next time.

I see you, I have two reports for you, cocksucker. I can't wait to hear about it. All right. Have a great week. I love you guys. Stay black. And now for a word for my motherfucking sponsor, Jack. The check-in is brought to you by my people. Audit. Listen,

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kicking today. I'm on my fucking cycle. I got another two weeks left. And then I'll be reciting fucking poetry and Nietzsche and whatever you fucking guys buy. But anyway, go to honor.com. pressing code Coco or Joey and get 10% off your first daughter. All right.