The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - The Public Urination Tour

Episode Date: October 14, 2025

Joey Diaz tells Lee Syatt why he doesn't care about The Superbowl Halftime Show, Comic-con, or anything that doesn't make him money TODAY. Joey also talks about what he would do if he knew when he was going to die, what happened at the mall, and why he used to consider himself a traveling loser. SHOW NOTES  Get $5 off your next order at Magicspoon.com/CHURCH. Or look for Magic Spoon on Amazon or in your nearest grocery store. Support the show & get 15% off your Bioma order with the code JOEY at https://gobioma.com/church

What's happened, beautiful people? Uncle Joey here with his fucking trusted Cato for another fun-filled episode of the church of what's happening now, new edition. It's Tuesday, the 14th of October. Are you kidding me? Or what? Wednesday will be halftime already,

and that puts you at two months from Christmas. Half-time what? Half-time of October. Oh. The 15th. What the fucking thing I'm talking about? I have no idea. And the 15th is also the anniversary

of my fucking son. savior when I walked in the door and my wife told me she wanted to get separated and divorced. That's what the anniversary is. October 15th, 35 years ago, that bitch cut me loose. Thank God. Do you write these dates down? Yeah. Just to see what the fuck I am every year at this time.

Yeah, but how do you remember, like, from 30 years ago? I remember all the crucial fucking dates, okay? I remember all the important dates, sentencings, shit like that. Just so you know where you're at. If you don't know, listen, if you don't know your past, You're not going to know your future. Right. I understand that.

But from 40, like, like, now it would be easy. Like, now you could put it on your calendar if you really wanted to remember it. But in 19 whatever, 90 whatever that you guys broke up. You imagine wanting to do something so fucking bad. Like, for three months, this is all you think about. Like, how am I going to do stand-up comedy? How am I going to do it? This came out of left field when I walked in that afternoon for lunch at 2 in the afternoon.

And she was waiting for him. And she just pulled up a paper like, what's this? Like, what's the student loan? I took up? Look at the bottom. It's this paid. What's the problem? Well, you never told me about it.

A relationship done. Good. What do you want me to tell you? It's paid. That's it. It's over. Done. Right.

Well, I don't think this is going to work. Well, fuck. When she told me that, it was like, you ever hit like the Wheel of Fortune? A wheel of fortune. And you see all these trips and vacations and exotic blow jobs. And then you went like 300. Like, what the fuck? Exotic blow jobs.

Yeah, exotic blowjobs and shit like that. So that's why I don't, I'll never forget that date. I guess. Because it was the luckiest day of my fucking life. Do you play, like, the lottery every year? Do you do anything now? I hit the lottery when she fucking told me to get out. What the fuck?

There's the difference between winning the lottery. Right. Big fucking difference, man. And you have to know which one you're doing, whether you're living the lottery or you're fucking, winning the lottery. We didn't win shit. We earned the lottery.

I didn't win nothing. Nobody knocked on my door and said, hey, this is what you get. Nobody's shit. They just fucking... You took advantage of the opportunity. That's it. But before we get started, let's do some ads, and let's get this episode because we got a lot to talk about.

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Kick this motherfucker, Neil Lee. We're back, bitches. All right, we want to talk about something real quick. We were talking when I got here today. And they reminded me of something. And it's what's going on in the world. What's been happening since I was a kid. You know, when I was a kid,

somebody, a teacher told me in high school one time, we were talking about drugs. Okay? They were talking about drugs in like a social studies class. I still remember the teacher. And he said that the reason, he goes, yeah, you people think Columbia's Senator drugs in here.

It's not the Colombians. It's everybody who's against the United States. It's China, it's fucking Russia, you know, all this shit. And at the end of the day, it's to weaken us. So when they come over to take over, all they got to do is throw a bag of coke at us. We'll grab a bag of Coke. And that's it. I don't know if you people know that.

That's a common fucking thing. Right now, if somebody wanted to take over us, we'd be so easy as a country. And it's not because we're divided. It's not because we're politically, whatever. it's because we've become so stupid and so factuated with things that don't affect your life. And I don't know if you guys know this. It bothers me to no end. I love waking up in the morning.

I love it. Smoking dope and going on the internet and seeing a bunch of people talking about shit early in the morning that doesn't affect their lives at all. Doesn't put a dime in your pocket and doesn't change your life at any level at all. and I love to see when people get fired up for no reason. I tell you what I really love is when I go somewhere and they think that's what you want to talk about. Like when it becomes that.

Like so what do you guys think about the bad bunny thing? Nothing. There's nothing to think about it. But it's really fucking sad that two weeks later, I'm still reading about things that bad bunny, bad bunny at the Super Bowl. It's a fucking game, okay? I don't know any of you people. I don't know any of you guys in this room.

I have never. I can look at myself in the mirror and a stack of fucking Bibles with Jesus sitting next to me. I have never watched the Super Bowl to see who the musical fucking guest is. I don't care if it's Prince, Michael Jackson, Snoop Dog.

I could give a fuck because it's a medley of songs. It's eight minutes and they got to do it. You know, oh, well, Paul McCartney, I don't want to hear get back. I don't want to hear that shit no more. I don't want to hear that shit no more. And the reason why people are bad at Bad Bunny is because the bad fucking last five fucking Super Bowls didn't agree with you, the musical guest. And you couldn't say nothing.

They couldn't say nothing because that makes you a fucking racist, okay? But now since Beth, oh, well, he don't even speak English. Who gives a fuck? You're watching a game. You're betting the game. You're trying to get a blowjob from some chick at a fucking ball. And you're worried about Bad Bunny. Well, bad bunny.

And then you, the things that people were saying. Like, what are they? I gotta be honest. Oh my God. Like, Markey Warburg, go back. Here's an idiot that gets up at four in the morning every day. Makes believe he's a Catholic with all this shit, you know. Get prayer it up, you know.

What the fuck? That's the biggest bullshit in the world when you got to go on the internet. Get prayer up, you know. Like, I'm going to respect you more because you're a fucking piece of shit Catholic. I don't understand these people. I'm a Catholic, but I'm not a piece of shit Catholic. Right. When I was doing bad shit, I didn't go to church.

I didn't make believe. I didn't do that. this shit. And I would never sit in the fucking front and make believe I'm a saint. I sit in the back with the fucking sinners. It's like when you go to a Jew funeral, when you go to a Jew fucking, when you go to a cemetery. Right. I don't want to be buried up front with the nice people. Bury me in the back with the Catholics that committed suicide and the Jews who put a tattoo on that didn't listen. You know, they didn't listen. They didn't listen. I'm not even Jewish and I won't get a tattoo because of what happens. I'm not even fucking Jewish, but I know. You know, I know.

But anyway, I don't want to get people started on the Jewish thing, because then they'll come. But it's the truth. Where we're at, two weeks now, people are angry about a performer in the Super Bowl. You have to ask yourself. But the good thing about this, what happened to the Epstein list? It's gone. Because everybody's worried about the fucking, this is all they do to you. It's a fucking mental game that you idiots go in and out of every fucking day.

It's something else. And if you just focus on your life. and your family, it would be so much easier. Like, I'm going to tell you guys something now, but I'm ashamed to tell you, and I'll tell you. I didn't know who Charlie Kirk was when he got shot. When he got shot, my wife told me Charlie Kirk, I, Charlie Kirk is some dude in the fucking corner of me.

I don't even know who Charlie Kirk was. Right. I'm not ashamed to tell you that, because I don't have time. I don't give a fuck about Charlie Kirk. I'm sorry that he's dead and all that, but you guys know what I'm saying. I don't have time. But it's not even there you're on,

I'm so busy in my life. Right. And focused on what we're trying to do on a daily basis. And I look at my daughter and I look at us. And what needs to be done? What needs to be fucking done? Not Charlie Kirk. Not fucking the Super Bowl.

Not anything. Not anything. I don't understand how people who bitch all day about all the price of eggs and, you know, this and the economy and this and that. Well, then focus on it. Yeah, but that's not fun It's way more fun to get likes on Facebook What's more fun Hanging out with your buddies are like

That's simple blow This is a debacle Who gives a fuck He's singing Spanish lower it Is that really what they're upset about? They're upset about anything that You know but who do you want Who do you want?

I mean because of Black Lives Matt And I every year We got to put it on hip-hop You know And that's the truth Now that's a truth Okay I'm not ashamed to say it

We got to cater a panda to everybody. The only guy that should have been at the Super Bowl this year should have been a country guy. That's who should have been at the Super Bowl this year. Chris Stapleton and Duolipa or something like that. Somebody knew. But America doesn't need to see that shit. Whether it's Snoop Dog doing the Crip Walk,

how does that change your fucking life? 50 cent hanging upside down? Yeah, hanging upside down. Pink. Her aerobic. She's a singer. I have to be honest. If you want to do aerobics and do joint circus DeSla, I don't want to see that.

I want to see you play music. But that's not the fucking point. The point is that we're so, like, concerned with things that aren't even on our fucking radar. Because there's so much free time. Who has free time? All these people who are upset. To jerk off on this shit. Everybody.

Who has the free time? And it's only going to get worse because when AI takes over, it's going to be nothing but people with time to be upset online. Because that's all I was thinking about when you were talking about this is you've talked for years about, you know, when you're doing stand up or whatever. You just don't, I have, I was, I had zero idea that we're upset about the halftime show. I didn't even know that was the thing. Zero. Zero. I went to eat dinner the night and I heard the bar time to ask some people.

And I go, even on a fucking Thursday night, this fucking knucklehead. And people were like, oh, we think they had like a 30 minute conversation. And I'm like, this is fucking sad. Meanwhile, there's a hot chick at the bar with a pussy on fire And nobody's paying attention to her It's It's been And for a guy like me, it's very hard

Because I don't give I've lived my life not giving a fuck Right Not even listening to what you have to say I really could care less When people call you with Like you're in, from eight to four You're doing business

Even when I'm in the gym I'm thinking about who I got a call. Do you know what I'm saying? Like when I get up in the morning, there's a window, and I do my writing, and you go on the internet,

whatever, you read, whatever the fuck. But after that, everything I'm doing is preparing for my day. Like, I get mad at my wife. When I go in the shower, I don't want nobody in the bathroom. Don't be in there finishing up your hair.

My wife has a problem that if I tell I'm going to go take a shower, also, she needs to go in that shower. Like, and I'll tell her, get the fuck out. I love my wife, 25 years.

I respect her. But she doesn't understand. When I walk into that shower, I'm thinking. I'm thinking. So where do you have to do? Where's the brush? I don't fucking know. I'm worried about how we're going to pay bills this month.

Okay? I don't know what to... So on that morning, that shower, I don't talk to nobody. Once Mercy leaves, there's nothing to talk about. I walk upstairs and in that shower, in that 20 minutes, after I scrub my asshole and my balls and shampoo and brush my teeth, I sit there and I think about my day

and I think we were talking about a situation I had my wife that happened Friday I thought about it for three days because usually I'm from North Bergen I go down there with a stick I hate the guy

do you follow me so as I got older after Tunkibo you have to think about things before you attack them and that's on any level and this is something that comes with age and wisdom

this wasn't me at 30 because I know I'm an idiot and I'll go down end up in jail. You know, on the text, he said, I'm calling the police. What would happen if I showed up down there? You know what I'm saying? So I have to think about it.

But it took me three fucking days, and then I ran it through a very close friend of mine that's also friends with him to make sure. And that's the world. But that's not the world. Have you ever ran to social media to post something? And then you realize you posted the wrong thing and then get the facts? That dude Why fucking post

Why post anything Look at my Twitter In my Instagram the last five years I don't post much No do I want to I got in trouble for liking a post I don't want to bring it back up But one of our friends posted something

Before we had all the information I just liked it because I thought it was funny I got messages That just that just because I liked it They actually get off the podcast Those people should get a life. And that's the problem you have there. That's the problem you have that nobody has a fucking life anymore.

You wouldn't worry about Epstein if you were getting your dick sucked. If you're sitting there every day and some chick is sucking your dick with ice cubes and whipped cream and shoving a finger up your ass, you got no time to worry about Epstein. Right. Yeah. You got no time to worry about nothing. You're just worried about that this chick, this chick better not have a cavity. She's going to give me a p-hole a fucking cavity.

or something like that. You don't. When you're thinking, when you're in love and you're fucking and you're having a good time, you're not thinking about this shit. I see people

have thrown their lives away, thrown their lives away, focused on something that it's not going to work. Whether it's a sports team, like I had a dear friend of Merin that complains about money. A couple weeks ago,

I called them up, and I said, I have a show, swing by, pick up an emblem. I got a game to watch. Really? Somebody else. I offered them a gig one night, and they told me it was that birthday.

I can't call you no more. I'd love to do a show on my birthday. I can't call you no more, because these are the same people. That bitch. That bitch. That bitch. Right now, if I'm at least half these people on the internet,

I wouldn't be on the internet. I'd be fucking working three. I know a girl that works three fucking jobs. I love this girl. She works three jobs. Ask her about bad, Ask her about Epstein. Three jobs.

To bed of herself, to open up a fucking gym. She's putting away money. She works 92 hours a fucking week. Okay? And, you know, ask her. She has a goal. I'm thinking of fucking just giving her money because that's what you do

when you want something. That's want. That's want. Everything else. I don't know what you're talking about. I don't know what you're talking about. That's want. My buddy, who fucking lost $30,000 on the Super Bowl one year,

he left this house at 5 in the morning, and he got home at midnight every day for a year, and he paid off that fucking debt. That's life. Ask him about bad bunny or what was going on. All he was doing was smoking pot, lifting and waiting, working. He got out of our debt. And on top of that, he ended up.

buying a $30,000 car 20 fucking years ago out of that debt. Don't tell me. Don't tell me. Don't even try to tell me. Don't even fucking go there. Because you're focused on bullshit. You're focused on bullshit. Okay?

When I did comedy, I didn't know what you were saying. I lost girlfriends because you do too much comedy. My family comes. You don't want to meet them. I didn't come here to meet your family. Once you cross that pander to either one of those markets, New York or L.A., I don't know what you're talking about. Especially if I moved here. Especially if I moved here, I came here for one thing.

One thing and one thing only, to be a star. To try to get myself out of a fucking being a loser, fucking North Bergen thief all my life. It's all I knew. That's all I knew. I don't know about anything else. I didn't know about concerts. I didn't know about what the Mets did. I don't know what the L.A. Rams did.

I didn't give a fuck. And some people, to some human eye goes, you didn't have a life. I didn't want a life. Because not having things is no life. What do you mean by that? Not having things is no life. Not having the simple things is no life.

But you want to go to fucking wing stop. You know, whatever the fuck they go to. or some, you know, right. What's harder? What would you rather think about mind fucks all day? Or at least when your roof collapses, you have the money. And your fucking family hasn't have to go into ruins for six months because your ruins collecting.

But this guy, too, the roof collapse, but he was at a who concert three weeks ago. And he bought tickets for a fucking Hall of Fame thing. You have a wife and a kid. It's over. It's over. let it go let it go already

I can give a fuck about a concert especially once I look at that price tag I got a chance of making 200 at the dojo or spending 800 to hold hand look at this great show think about it

two people I called that from the dojo gigs one person told me it was her birthday the other guy told me there was a game on tonight My favorite team is playing. He's my age. If you got a favorite team at 40, just kill you so.

If you're still wearing little hats and shirts, right there. Just go down to fucking edge water and you could jump right off that thing with your Mett hat or your Nick shirt on or your giant hat on. Or your Yankee hat. Whatever fucking, you know,

mine fuck you've been wasting. You know, you ever read that book? That's my favorite book, and I read it every year. And as I'm reading it, I'm thinking about how much of a loser I am every year and how I got the art of war, the war of art, not the Sun Tzu one, but the other one.

Stephen Presfield or something? David Presbyield. It's all procrastination. It's all procrastination. I'll do that later. They ain't no later. They ain't no later. They ain't no later.

It feels like there is. They ain't because now I'm 62. And it went fast. It went fast. I'm happy I didn't say later. I'm very happy. A lot of things I didn't say later. You're not sad.

You didn't go to Comic Con and dress up? They were all around. Every time I see them, I'm just like, ah, I wish I could get Joey. Like, I need to get those glasses. If I ever go to Comic-Con, it's to do this country a favor. And it's to get an M-40

and shoot them all as they come out of there, the press of point, because that's the people need to be shot as they come out of Comic-Con. with the suits on and we went and got an autograph from my favorite Martian or something like that. But even my favorite, like, they were walking around the city in the outfits. And that's to tell you how weak New York City is. Weak!

Weak! Why? What would happen in the 80s? I wish five Puerto Rican kids beat the fuck out of them and took their uniform and pissed on it. And that's the end of the uniforms. It's pretty hard to justify. And those are the kids that go first. They're the first ones that are going to get shot in the ass and fucked in the ass.

Uh-huh. Comic-Con. We didn't go to Comic-Con. We went to get our dick sucked and to eat Kuiludes. That was our Comic-Con. Okay? That was our Comic-Con. And I'm very proud of that.

I am very fucking proud of that. It's like for the last five fucking months. Every month we have a weed sponsor on here. Right? like some fucking weed sponsor, okay? And it's always that Delta 9 and all that other creepy shit, you know? And I don't want them no more.

I'll tell you why, because I don't want the clientele that's not doing the drugs that we do here. If you're not doing coke and heroin and fucking reefer, if you're doing like Delta Nines and smoking a vapor, go to somebody else's podcast. I don't even want you in my fucking energy anymore. What would the ad read ad read beef like cocaine? Like if you had to do an ad for cocaine?

Oh, like if we lived in Vancouver, Listen, you're sitting there with a finger up your ass, it's time to get out. Blow your money. Tell your mother she sucks. Give her the fuck and tell her you want your early inheritance. And start going to orgies, okay? Do something I didn't do. That's what I wish I would have done.

Gone to more orgies. I never went to an orgy. I never saw 18 people getting fucked at the same time. I never saw anything like that. That's the only thing I regret doing. But everything else, like, do you regret? No, not really. I did everything I wanted to do earlier.

I went to the concerts I wanted to see I saw conscious that will live in history forever. I don't need to go to these fucking concerts now to see these 80-year-olds dancing and wiggling and David Lee Roth with a pickle in his pocket like he's still got a dick with leather pants on at 72. Come on, man, let it go with the blue hair

and at one point, just be yourself. But don't, if you're going to an or do you have to like participate? Are you going to be like standing in the corner? I'm going to participate to get HIV. I'm going to get the whole. The whole panel. What's that thing that these retarded kids are on the spectrum?

I want to be on a disease spectrum. HIV, COVID, and herpes, all mixed in one. You get a sore on your lip, a sore throat. It's fucking tremendous. I want them all. I want them all. You know what I'm saying? That does sound like fun.

It does. It's fun. It's fun. I saw a guy hung over on TV and I forgot how much fun it was. When you're puking and you got a headache and you're popping aspirins. You like that? I haven't had one. 20 fucking years, but I wish I could have one.

I wish I could just go do coke one night. Like I'm 62. What's going to happen now? Nothing. I'm going to die. I can't breathe as it is. I can't breathe as it is. Any day now.

Put stuff up your nose now. Any day I'm going to check into the hospital. Any fucking day now. Could be tomorrow morning I'm going to check and I can't breathe. When you feel this way, you're like, fuck it, bust out the cigarettes, bust out the cocaine, bust out the syringes. I don't have much time left. And that's what God is unfair.

He doesn't say, hey, now you got five years left. Now I'm really going to judge. Because if God ever came down to me in a bush and said, you've got five of the years left. Right. You're dying on your birthday when there's 68. Watch my smoke. Watch my smoke.

Okay? Watch my smoke at 58. I'll go to the bank and take every penny I got out of there. You understand me? IRAs, I don't give a fuck about retiring. I never thought about retiring anyway, Terry. I will break that fucking IRA. Go to the city, get myself a one of those hotels

with Tony Supranos. went, the good ones for as long as the money lasts. Call me when it runs out. Call me when it runs out. There's like $32,000 there. At $3,000 a night, I think I'm here for two weeks, but I'm not going to make it anyway. Okay?

My goal is to die in your fucking hotel. I want to do Coke. I want that thing when they put the basters up your ass. When they take ecstasy and heroin and mix it, they melt it and they bend over and you put it up your ass with a turkey baster. And you get high for days, I'm doing it. Oh, I'm going to one of Eric's gay parties. I'm going to let a gay guy suck my dick with ice cubes.

In his mouth. Well, what if it's so good you don't want to die now? Like, what if he finds out of your gay? If he plays a trick on me, then I'm going to be pissed. What trick? Oh, my God. I think everybody in this life would like to know when God is giving you three years left. Oh, that would be great.

For you to make up your mind, how you're going to go. If you want to go surrounded by family and people playing violins, and shit. He was a good man. He had a good heart. Or if you want to go fucking with some fat black chick sitting on your face with a midget chick sucking your dick, some guy

putting hot air into your asshole with a hot air balloon. Anything different I'm gonna do, okay? If I know I got three years left. But do you think you'd still have three years left? I think I got three years left right now. No, I know that, but that's without the coke and the... I just want to make it official. I don't want to go off the chain in front of my

daughter if I'm not going to make it official. That would be pretty fun. That would be a fun way to go. That's the way to go. That's the way. Listen, think about how you're supposed to live your life. Think if everything worked out the way it's supposed and you put away like $800 grand. And you were 60, you had no kids, no grandchildren, no wife.

What do you want to do with that $800,000? You don't leave it to your retarded nephew? No. That's a fucking idiot anyway. He's never going to do nothing. What would you do if I told you were dying of cancer and you had a year left and you have $800,000 a bank count? Who?

And you don't give a fight. And all your credit cards are clean. That means you could use them all. And tell them all to suck your dick. Because they can't tag them on to somebody once you're dead. Right, yeah? You're going to burn through that 800 grand. Well, if you have kids, so you have to have nobody.

Yeah, nobody. What were you, well, how do you want to die in a boat? Oh, a boat would be fun. Fuck that. You want to die in a plane crash while you're doing coke with the pilot and you're getting fucked in the front. And the pilot's got his back turn to the fucking skies. And she's a chick.

and she's jumping up on top of you're like, the plane's going to hit a building. Who gives a fuck? Who gives a fuck? We're going to hit the 9-11 building. Hit it again. Think about all the things you do differently if you knew you had an expiration date

and how we live so fucking careful as pussies. And that includes me. I'm the biggest fucking pussy in the world. I'm the biggest pussy in the world because I got scared. You know, I don't think I'll do coaxie. again because I made a promise. But I wouldn't mind doing a line of heroin.

Heroin does, like, that's the one, I think I'd like, well, Molly I want to try, but Molly, I want to try, but that, that, that's dying. Again. What? Why play with the little drugs when you get the best? I don't think Molly's a little drug. Molly's a little drug can play it with H. That's God's love.

That's God's love. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, but if I want to do it, I want to. And you're sitting there like, I saw a movie of a guy getting shot and two arms by heroin. And he was getting his dick sucked in the bill. Louis Panero. What's his name?

Fucking, the guy that wrote Cuba and his teddy bear. There's a movie about him. And there's a scene where he's got a syringe in each arm. And some chick is sucking his dick. And I'm like, man, that's the way to go. Like, Jesus like that? Like, getting your dick suck with two syringes in your arms. And a blowjob?

That's what Jesus should have done. That's how I would have fucking gone out of this motherfucker. A blowjob really does fix almost anything. No, it makes everything a lot better. Yeah. You think about it. But not even, listen, we're being, you know, I'm getting silly here now, but it's, man. We don't live, you know, we live so cautiously, and I'm the number one guy because I had a daughter,

that I live a little cautiously. Because that's the only thing that saved me the last couple of years, because now in my mind, even if I did time, how much time am I going to really do? So if I'm going to blast you, I'm going to fucking blast you now. It's not going to be a punch to the head. I'm going to hit you with a table, and hopefully you're going to need psychological help in the past, squeezing the ball or something like that. Because when I go, I want to go. I do.

Do you have that? I've had, like, if everything goes to shit, I'm going to kill, like, three people. Oh, yeah. Oh, I love that. Oh, love it. On the way out just to go. Come here. Remember this?

Bye. Yeah. Remember that time you fucking got cute? This is what you're getting now. But it's just so weird how if there was ever a time, like they're saying, like, I was watching 60 minutes last night. Anybody watch 60 Minutes last night? No. About that.

A plane in New, new something, Boston got hacked. The little water department got hacked by the Chinese. Damn. And how the Chinese is going to start hacking little things to get to the big thing. And you're saying to yourself, and every day we're dealing with Chinese people, you know, whatever.

But you're dealing with, you have to say to yourself, this is the time to invade us. Like, they're taking over our country with farmland. They're starting to buy a lot of farmland. farmland. Some of this to grow fucking, they have us confused that they were bringing slaves over here and growing weed. Did you hear them? I heard about that. Did you help him bought it? And then, well, yeah, in Maine. In Maine, they have a bunch of shit. And then, am I wrong? Did I hear that that

cotter or whatever, whoever gave us that plane is opening an Air Force base? Or is that like a fake? Yeah, is that real? I don't know. How the fuck, dude. And then we were talking about stuff that doesn't matter. I haven't finished it yet. But have you seen that. documentary on HBO Max about the Alabama prisons. No. That shit is fucking crazy. They just like guards kill people in there. And they like, there's stuff that does matter that people don't want to talk about.

No. No, but they rather talk about bad bunny. Right. And how he's going to ruin this and ruin that. And it's just, I've been watching this for years. Listen, I'm going to be as honest I can with you guys. I have a GED. We have no fucking family.

Education is whatever, whatever. I've learned on the street. I'm got a master's degree. But as far as what people talk about, I don't know anything. Guys, it was all a joke until I did something with my life. Then it wasn't. You know what I'm saying?

So when I talk to people now and they're stale or I feel bad for them because even I managed to do a little something, whether it's not It doesn't matter to the world. I'm not talking about jokes or being funny. I did something else beside be a criminal.

Beside rob people, I wanted to do something else. That was cool for a while. It's really cool to rob people and have a good time and take their drugs, but then you, you know, and that was cool for a while. But then, but ever since I started getting, and I can't say success, because there's no success, I started becoming a better, a productive member of society. What's a productive member of society? I pay my taxes.

I don't give cops a hard time. I pick up with her. And you try to be as nice as you can to people. That, that, that, that, that's it. That's the bottom line of productive member of society. And I think I've done that. I think I've achieved that, if not anything else. Okay, which gives you in this country who gots,

that means I don't deserve nothing. because you're just supposed to go that and above. We're supposed to serve our country. We're supposed to do something. I did none of those fucking things, okay? But for me to be able to get up in the morning and dictate my day is bad for everybody else. Because if I could do it, what the fuck were you thinking?

What the fuck were you thinking? Not you, Lee. No, I know you're not yelling at me. Do you understand how I look at things? Like, what the fuck were you thinking? What were you thinking about? I'm not sure if this is what you're taught, but to me, I think there's a lot of people,

I think it's the trap of the day job. I think a lot of people don't, like you said, dictate your day. Most people, 90% of people in this country have no, 80% of their time is spoken for. Between work from eight or nine to five, they have kids activities, and then maybe Saturday you have to do errands,

So maybe Sunday you get to watch, like most people in this world, they have no control. Can you fucking imagine? Like I had a life that I worked Monday through Friday, Saturday I watched my daughter, and Sunday went to the in-laws house. That was my life before comedy. Great life. If that's what you want to do. Right.

But now, you want to do comedy. You feel in your bones. When you wake up at 8 in the morning and they hit you with a problem, what's the first thing you say? It's okay because in a month I'm not going to be doing this no more. in three months, I'm not going to be doing this no more. So even while you had a day job, you were still thinking about your future.

I admire that girl very much that I was talking to you about. She's maybe 26. She cuts hair. She personal trains. Then she teaches Pilate after she cuts hair at night. Because she wants to open up her own gym and Pilates thing like that. But even at 26, she made a constant decision that this is what I want to do.

I could never do that. I was not that together at 26th. I was just getting out of prison for some stupid shit. But even that, that in the back of your mind, you're digging a trench, but you're saying, you know what, I'm going to take this money and open up a taco place. I'm going to start with a cart,

and then move into a little room, and then from there open up a restaurant. People are not doing that no more. And people are stuck on a day job. I get that. But again, the word is stuck. How long does it take you to realize that you're stuck? And once you realize that how long does it take you to go,

I got to do something about this? This is not what I signed up for. When you look at the big picture of life, I'm not talking about me growing up in North Bergen and, and, oh, well, you made it if you're at the MWA, whatever, the MUA, whatever the fuck. You know, like, you got a patient. You got three weeks vacation, and that's what they sold you.

They never sold me what was across that fucking river. Nobody did. Nobody ever sold me that fucking that was a world class for what I wanted. I wanted to be an entertainment. I thought I did at that age. I just didn't know what it would have pushed me. Who knew? Nobody told you follow.

So we get caught up in our own little direction. Like, let's say you grew up where Terry grew up. You ever go where Terry lived? You ever go with Terry grew up? Yeah. Two hours out of Nashville. ville. It's farms. Guess what? Nobody gets out of there.

Nobody gets out of there. What happened was when America started shitting on America and selling all their fucking, gave everything to fucking, you know, the Indians to do, that area really fell down. Like Buffalo, like Cleveland, like Cincinnati. Like that was the fucking American, you know, Pittsburgh steel. Industry, yeah, yeah.

You know, industry. But then they took all that. So to be stuck in those towns right now is hard than it was when there was that industry because at least you had something. You didn't have a lot of education. Your parents didn't come from much, but you're making $22 an hour in this fucking industry that's... You could support a family. Yeah, you could support a fucking family.

But if you get stuck there now, I give... You know, Terry got out of there and went to Memphis, which is no fucking... And then from Memphis, you went to Lai, you know. and you look at people's progressions. And I was progressing, but I was being a loo- I was just going from one place to another to be a loser there. You know what I'm saying?

Why be a loser in North Bergen? When I could be a loser in San Francisco for a few months and get chased by the cops there. Oh, I ran out of the time there. Let me go to Seattle and be a loser now. You know, some people go to places with commitment with something. I had nothing.

I was just going there because the cops were looking for me here. The other day I bought sneakers At a foot locker Okay I went to the Menloid Park Mall There was nothing to do I was sore I'd already worked out

And I go you know what I want to go to a Menlob Park Mall and see what they got And I went to the Menloid Park Mall and I bought sneakers at Foot Locker And I started talking to the black girl She was cool as shit

And she's like how long You know she's like I can't believe You're a comedian and shit You've been in movies I go But I worked the foot locker for six months. And she goes, what are you talking about?

I could never see you working a foot locker. I worked the foot locker until I robbed the place. I was going to say. Dog, and I told her the story. I go, I had this job. I couldn't find the job in Boulder. And I got these credit cards. And I was using them.

And one day, I applied a foot locker. And after I used the $20,000 in credit cards, Footlock actually called me one day. And they go, do you want a job? And I'm like, yeah, we started part-time. And I feel like the first week I sold. like $10,000 of sneakers, they go, we'll keep you part-time, but you're going to commission.

Nice. And then I fucking loved it. I was just going into the cell. The other guys got high. There was a black guy. It was a white guy named Rich. I always loved Rich. He was my dog.

And I was in there three months, four months, and finally one day some Chinese lady comes in with a bunch of kids, like eight kids, and she leaves her bank withdrawal envelope sticking out of the purse. And I look at it, and the kids are trying out sneakers. She's at the other place. And I just go, fuck it. And I take the envelope and put it in my pocket.

She bought like $2,000 of sneakers for these eight fucking Chinese kids. And all of a sudden, she can't find the money. I hid the money in a shoebox in the back because I knew this is going to get ugly. So this bitch left and came back with like 10 cops. And they cornered us all and they asked us questions. Everybody said the same thing. The store was fucking packed. If she came in here with an envelope, it must have fell out of somebody.

he took it. She kept saying it was one of the staff members. And we're like, no, we weren't. But I took that motherfucker. I just have this image of you in the, in the referee. I had the referee suit with the fucking whistle. You know me. I'm a half of fruitcake. And fucking, uh, while I'm talking to the cops, this one cop is looking at me. Keeps looking at me. Like, why is this motherfucker looking at me? And after they all left, this guy came back. And he goes, can I talk to you for a second? He goes, somebody's been using a credit card in this mall, and you fit the description. I don't know what you're talking about.

I work a footlock. I don't even have a fucking credit card. And the guy's like, no, we're working on the sizes now. If you know anything about this, do you want to talk about it? And I go, I don't know nothing. I work at a fucking footlock apart time. That's all I know. And the guy got bugging me and bugging me.

You, I'm sure that you, okay. Next day I went back into this motherfucker came up. Again. This time with a detective. And he's like, we want you to tell us. They had no cameras back then. Right. That's the only thing that saved me.

They had no cameras. So they were like, you fit the description. Do you want to go to a lineup? And I go, am I arrested? No. No, I'm not going to a fucking voluntary lineup. Go fuck yourself. I know my fucking rules, okay?

That was, why would you say yes to that? Yeah. And then the guy came back the next day. Again. He's like, we're going to talk to you. We're working on the sizes. You bought a lot of clothes. Whoever used this card, bought a lot of clothes.

I had suits. That had fucking pants. You were wearing the pants? Oh, I looked like a fucking model. I was buying so much. Dog, that credit card would never cancel. I would throw it away and then need something. Go back two weeks later, take it out of the weeds and use it again.

I'm like, oh, my God. They still haven't canceled this thing. I was buying TVs, scarface tapes. And you kept all of it for yourself? In my house. In a little room like a fucking Puerto Rican. I had everything in that room. Everybody else was living with one TV out of TV in there, stereo, fucking everything.

And then that motherfucker came to my house one night. And he goes, hey, man, we're going to get a warrant and search your house and all this. But you can make this easier and you're coming with us. I'm like, I don't know how many times I got to tell you. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. But now you're starting to get out of my nerves. Get the fuck off my balcony. And he got off his balcony.

I knew the next day it was going to be heat. I ran downstairs and told my girlfriend, the cops are coming. I'm going to San Francisco. She goes, I'm coming with you. Oh, my God. I go to San Francisco. Why would he give you the heads up? Because he's an idiot.

He thought I was going to fuck, and he was an idiot. But here's what gets better. I leave for six months. And then I leave for a year. And I come back. And I'm driving one day. I'm bolder. And I didn't know that.

You know those school signs that say, with the lights on, 20 miles? I didn't see it. And I got pulled all by a cop. And he gave me a ticket. And I had a warrant for, like, some ticket. And they took me in, and the guy found weed on my side.

and it was great. We had a conversation. I was on walking out. I saw the other cop. And he looked at me again. And he didn't say nothing, right? So fucking, maybe, I don't know, six months later,

I get in trouble for kidnapping that dude, and he's the head detective now. He got promoted to the detective, but he never remembered. That idiot never fucking remembered. I was sitting in court with him going, when is this guy going to turn around and go this is the guy that was wanted for credit cards

in 1985 but he never and every time I'd see him he'd go you look familiar no I don't you're like his great white whale he fucking hated me because there was two cops that I turned myself into one of them I got along with and then in time I got along with the other guy

the other guy hated me so much he even showed up at my disposition for my divorce for your wife or ex-well For my wife, when she came with her husband, she showed up over there and said, I was a creeping shit. And I just laid into him. I'm like, Your Honor, this guy couldn't arrest me if he wanted to. You know, like, I don't know, because even the judge asked him, what are you doing here?

And then the judge, the judge was my sentencing judge. He was now in civil court. So when he came in and then my wife started talking shit, the judge is like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Three years ago, you were in here singing his praises. Right. That he sang your songs at dinner and shit. Now you're coming in here saying he's an animal? It ain't going to work.

And you, Mr. Police officer, you can take your fucking rhetoric out of here. And he fucking was furious. So when we left in the court hall in the courtroom, I started saying shit to my wife. That's when I finally beat her that the judge said to you, I'll give you, every time she doesn't give you the kid, she gets $1,000 contempt to court. And she started crying. So when I walked out of it, I started going off on her. How's it feel now, motherfucker?

Doesn't feel too good, you fucking bitch. and the boyfriend kept turning around. I'm going, tell them. Tell them how I used to put carrots in your ass and how you liked it. Dog, it was prime North Bergen. You don't want to piss us off at all because our mouth goes somewhere you've never seen it.

She was crying. I'm like, tell him, tell him how I fuck you in the ass with carrots. And even the cop turned around. He's like, don't talk to that way. Fuck you, too. You got no jurisdiction here. Shut the fuck up. You're in a parking lot, motherfucker.

And I kept yelling at her, how those carrots? it got to the point where he walked away from her. I was saying so much shit that her husband was walking away from her. Like, I don't know about these carrots. You know every time they see a carrot now. And then as we were getting close to the car, I go, she don't like big carrots. She likes the medium ones, John.

And cut the tip off so you could put him in her ass easier. He was hot. She was crying and she was like, press charges. And the cops like, there's nothing I could do. And I'm like, right. How you like me now motherfuckers. I got Bella what was that judge's name? Bellapani.

Judge Bellapani. There you go. God bless him. God fuck, he's dead and buried now. All right, motherfucker. That's my boy, Judge Bellapani. Do you think, because I was thinking about when you were talking about like being stuck somewhere, like the fact,

you could have been stuck as a criminal but like, do you think the fact that like you went through like failure and hard shit, like you're able to bounce back more than like someone who maybe had it. Like, things were going well. But then the first time they had failure, it's too much for them and they stop. Like, do you think because you went through all that shit, like you were more used to it or like you were able to deal with it better?

With the failure? Yeah. When I got into comedy, I knew one thing. And this is when I, you know, I had done so many things at my age. And I was a loser all. except stealing. And I could sell a little bit. I could sell a little bit.

I could sell on the phone. That's all I had going for myself. But I remembered making myself a promise when I got to stand-up comedy. I don't know if it was a promise or something that if I was going to do this, I was going to do it the right way. I wasn't going to rush.

I made that perfectly clear that I had nothing but time that I was a loser. I had no money. I had no car. I had no family, I had no apartment, I had no real estate, had no bank account, I had a pager, and whatever was in my pocket. But I said to myself, when I do this, I'm going to do this the right way.

You know how many times I pulled up to the comedy store and there was 10 cases of Jack Daniels with a liquor store would just drop off? And you know how much those cases are? A lot. Never robbed them. That's something that I would have done if I didn't make that decision. But if I was going to do this correctly, I couldn't start doing comedy

and for them saying, last time Joey was here, there was $200 missing. Last time Joe was here, the jury got robbed. Last time Joe was here, the cash register got robbed. I couldn't start that again.

That was already my MO for years. I wasn't going to let that roll into comedy. If I wasn't good at comedy, that was one thing. Then I'm not good at comedy. Then I'm not good at comedy. But I wasn't going to let something that I found out years later

and the expression was I'm not going to let my character, my shit character, ruin my destiny. So even though I'm a fucking degenerate junkie, I'm not going to let it get in the way of that. I'm going to shoot my whatever the fuck I shoot when I have nothing to do with that. And I'm lying to you there because at times the Coke did cross my comedy career. But not to the amount you would have thought it. Like I would have thought the only time ever that, that. It really got in my career was too right before I quit.

A year before I quit, the improvs gave me a shot one night. I got into an argument with the guy that runs the improvs. And the improv, he goes, you want a shot, motherfucker? We'll give you a shot. So they gave me two headline nights in Ontario. Wow. With the fucking, with the, now Ontario's an hour 10 from where we lived in Hollywood.

They gave me those two dates with the fucking thing that I was not going to have a problem and that I was going to do radio in the morning. Well, I drove all the way to fucking Ox, whatever the fuck. Ontario. I check into the hotel, but they'd never give you a room. They even gave me a fucking room.

They're like, we don't want no problems. Just do the radio. Okay. I'm in my room. It's 11 o'clock at night. I'm like, I got to get some powder in me. I drove right back to Hollywood. Oh, no.

I drove an hour 10 to Hollywood. an hour 10 back. That put me back at one in the morning. And I got an April. I started doing Coke until 6 in the morning. And fucking I missed radio. And I sold like 20 tickets that night. And then they didn't want me to do radio Thursday.

They were like, fuck it. You already blew the weekend. So I was in the shit list, man. And all. And that, that's the shit I was doing at the end. But it wasn't like I was canceling shows because I was coked up.

None of that stuff. Did it take you a while? to get back in with the improvs? Yeah. It took me a couple of years after that. That would be 2006. And I probably didn't work on improv until like 2010. Damn.

And that's like the big, for everyone, that's like the A, that's like McDonald's or who, whatever. By the time, there's four clubs. You know, that's eight weeks, that's eight weeks of work. Just in California. Just in California. You know, never mind Houston, all the other shit. But yeah, it took them like three or four years for me to get back in their graces.

But the old you would have had the crime, the coke, all of it mixed together. All of it. At least you, at least you like... All of it. You never knew what's going to happen when he has a gig. I get into a fistfight. Somebody get hit. A case of booze gets robbed. It was one of those things.

And you know how old that gets with people? That's cute for a little while. For a little while, you're like fucking Joe. He's a nut. Fucking guy robbed the case of beer. You know, Eric Rocha called me before. He was telling me a story. He goes, I don't know if you remember.

Remember this? Remember the time in Oxnard? You worked all weekend? And the guy told you on sign, now he was mailing you a check. I didn't remember that story. And I told the guy, you're not mailing it. You're going to give it to me tonight. And the guys, they go, I don't care. I did my job. Go do yours, figure it the fuck out. I got pissed. I was like, you better have my money. So I don't know what you got to do. Going out of the room and call, whatever you got to call. I'm not leaving here until I have my money. And I called my age and I'm like, I'm not leaving here. And they're like, Joey, they don't do it that way.

I'm telling you how I fucking do it. I don't give a fuck how they do it. This is not unacceptable. This is unacceptable. I do a job for you, 13,000. And really? This is not acceptable. But back in how would have old, like, would you have taken it in the Coke crime days?

Like, would you have just dealt with it? I would have thrown him through a fucking war. Are you? That's also an officer. Like, how do you think I became friends with Gabriel and those guys? You heard what Gabriel and those guys said about me when I taped it? I almost drew that madness to throw a wall. I'm on St. Patty's Day.

No, Valentine's Day, because he called me because I got $5.00 for you. And I went up there with my wife to eat. She was my girlfriend at the time so I could take her out. And this motherfucker's guy, I got a check for you. I go, no, you don't. It was like fucking when Chaz told him, now you can't leave. No, you don't have a check for me. You have cash for me.

And the guy's like, I don't know what to tell you. I know what I'm going to tell you. Go get that fucking cash. Because I got Coke on my mind. Okay? And I'm not leaving here without my fucking cash. Or you're going to pay for the Coke. And people look at him and go, what the fuck?

Yeah. I didn't give a fuck. I didn't. And I used to, and I loved one person's reaction to my life. And that was Rogan. Because I would say shit in front of Rogan, and Rogan would you shake his head.

Motherfucker. I would go off in front of him. To who? To the managers, anybody. When you were opening for him? Oh, yeah, and Ari would have to pay me. I want my money tonight. Ari didn't pay you.

Yes, he did. Yes, he did. Your other opener paid you? And he was just as poor as you were. No, he had tons of money. Oh, was there on commercials? Commercials and shit. Oh, okay.

Keyer commercials and shit. I'm like, somebody got to pay me. That's $7.50. It's a Saturday night. 750 is little to you. It's a lot to me. Yeah. And I need this money tonight.

And now I would love to see them try to pay you with like Venmo or all that stuff. Like I constantly get paid. You know what was one of my favorites? A couple weeks ago, they did like a bucket they were passing around. The guy came and gave me five singles. I don't even. Why even I don't want this now? You folded it up.

Five singles. Speaking of a bucket, I did one of those shows once. I've done a couple of them. And I wasn't going to take the cut. I just put my hand in the bucket. The guy goes, you left without getting paid. I know, I'll catch you next time. He didn't know I'd take it $2.50 out of the bucket.

The fuck out of here. I'm going to wait for your bucket. Oh, that's the way. I hate that. The bucket, I did one in San Francisco that, like, they make you wait at the end of the show. And, like, it's like your pain. It's like you're the Santa at Christmas. I'm doing that.

There was a guy in San Diego, that idiot that's on the... He thinks he's a big producer now. He used to run a show in San Diego. This is how crazy people get. He used to run a show in San Diego, where old people get busted, and they would all live on donations and shit. And he would always bother me.

How do I get into the comedy store? And then something happened. He got on a show about selling houses, and he thought he was fucking, you know... A star. He's like, I really want you to be my show. Can you come to an audition? And I'm like, sure.

Are you fucking retarded? Either you give me that or you don't. An audition for a comedy show? Like a fucking real estate show. Oh, Jesus. One of those shows do they flip houses. I would love to see you flipping a house. No, I'm not flipping a house.

I'll steal the house. I'll rob the house. I ain't flipping no fucking house. Oh. You could do a show about like squatters. You could go like set someone up for a squatting at that? I don't know anything about that. If I do a show, it's about getting my dick sucked,

rolling joints. That's the only show I'm doing. I'm cutting lines or how to make free base. I don't want to do nothing no more, okay? Nothing. How to make free base? People are even call me no more. I got auditions.

I don't even get called backs. And guess what? I don't even give a fuck. Like, it's like, it's who I am now. I'm sick. What do I expect? The only thing I can depend on right now is us going and doing stand-up comedy. I love it again.

I fucking love it. That's awesome. I love getting into, I love getting a bit. Yeah, oh yeah. Once you get a bit and you can build on that bit and take your time, stand up becomes a fucking paradise. I got a ton of shit lined up for next year, even fucking Netflix. Nice, dude.

And how long did it take? Because at the beginning, I don't think you ever hated it, but you didn't love it, I don't think. After the pandemic, it was tough to love anything. You know, I was burnt out, Lee. I was fucking birth out, man. And I didn't know it. Sometimes you don't even.

even know what level you are. And I'm burnt out today still about some shit. Like, he just burnt out. I can't take chit-chatty. Like my agent called me at all right, so what do you want to do about a second show? Let's just book the first show. But they're going to,

let's get the first fucking show. End the story. I don't want to hear it. I don't have time for this shit. I'm going to die any day. I'm 62. I don't have time to go back and forth. Just fucking get the date.

Get the fucking deal. And then we'll worry about the second show. We're going to hold them off like there ain't no second show. And then it sells. Then we pop the second show. So we take them off their fucking thing. But in our world, there's no second show. Right.

You follow me? It's a fucking process. It's a fucking mental game for them. If we drop our pants right off the back, then we got nothing. Why drop your pants? Play with them a little bit. You got one show. Right.

We'll take it from there. Get the numbers right on that one show. And then there's a second show. But if the numbers ain't right, what are we talking about here? It's like when people call you up So what are we going to do in December when we go to Florida? I don't know I don't really fucking know

I'll tell you December 10th when we leave I'll tell you but for us to sit here for an hour And discuss what if you break your leg Now we're not going to Florida Now we just wasted two hours And what we were going to do Who gives a fuck? Go get your dick sucked

That's all you need to go Go do on stage That's the two hours you had Talking to me about nothing Right Nothing Nothing When people call you like yeah

So what are we going to do? I don't know It's a week away And right now tomorrow is all we got. I don't know nothing about Thursday, nor do I want to know about anything. Most people can't live their life like that. That is one of the nice parts about doing your own thing and doing... Keep it simple.

It's easier said than done. Keep it simple. But how do you keep things simple? By taking the noise out that doesn't matter. And sometimes you have to do this. You ready people at home? And it's a shitty way. to think, but it works

for the Jews. And it's like, and it's exactly. No bacon. And you have to think this in your head all the time. This is what goes in your head all the time. All the fucking time.

All the time. All the time. Ready? How is this putting money in my pocket? How is this conversation putting money in my pocket? How am I profiling from this? How is this making me better? that's the thing that's going on.

When somebody's telling me about something that I don't need to hear, that's what's in my head. How is this making you better? How is this going to work out for you? How? This conversation you're having, where is it going? Nowhere. It's like that guy that calls you every week.

Okay, I got it together now, man. After the third week, you're like, I don't want to hear it. You couldn't get it together if I gave it to you. You couldn't get it together if I gave it to you. You know, and that's the state of mind. How am I making fucking dough right now? How is this going to my fucking... How is this building on me?

I'm at an age where I need a house. I need a car. I need clothes. What you're telling me doesn't do any of that shit. Doesn't do any of that shit. Nothing. And once you level it to that extreme, and it's a horrible way to live,

but it'll get you. to where you need to go quicker than your fucking stupid system. Because you're... I'm not talking about you or anybody here. I'm talking about your stupid system doesn't work. You want it to work? This is the drive.

When you wake up in the morning, how does this affect what my mission is? Right. It's like, what would Jesus do, but... Yeah. How does this affect my mission today? It doesn't. And talking about it, doesn't.

Doesn't. The only thing that talks about is how I'm going to make it happen today. When you wake, listen, there was a time and how I know this, when you're addicted to drugs, when you're addicted, George, when you had your little problem there for years, when you wake up and when you walk up in those mornings, what did you think about? Exactly. Did you think about pussy? Did you think about your mother or your grandmother? Did you think about how you're going to eat? And that's the school I came from, the addicted by. So when you're addicted, why do we act like that? You're addicted to success.

But we don't think like that. We don't think like that. We don't wake up in the morning, put our feet down and go, God, thank you for giving me a day. Who do I got to stab in the fucking eyeball to get to where I need to be in my life today? And that's a little, you know, that's a little... Over-exaggerated.

What do I need to do today? Not tomorrow. not in the month today. That's going to profit me mentally, physically, spiritually. I don't care about bad bunny. I really don't care about the Epstein list. You know, people got mad at me when I talked about vacations. Another thing, everybody thinks they deserve a vacation.

Nope, you don't deserve ugats. You deserve nothing in this life. We earn everything. You don't deserve dick. I don't want to hear about, well, I'm stressed out. You want to know stress? Stress are those fucking... Don't even get me started.

You know what I'm about to say. That's stress. You fucking... What we make in our lives for stress and the excuses we give ourselves a bullshit. But that word deserve is, like, yeah. No one deserves anything. Nothing.

Nothing. The bluebird of happiness is not going to knock on your door and give you what you want. Very seldom. I was watching the show. That stupid show with the guy from Mad Men. He's got a really good show on Apple.

Oh, when he's a thief? When he's a thief. And there's a breakdown in that. The woman breaks her life down in that. And it's very interesting to a woman's perspective. She goes, I had to let that guy lay on top of me every night for 10 years and do what he wanted with me. I deserve something when he died, you know, like her perspective of shit. Right.

But it's just so weird how. I see more people losing it on a daily basis. Like you cannot, you know, and it's like Josh Wolf was here a couple months ago, and we talked about that time in Hollywood. That time was very special in my life because nobody had anything, including Ralphie Mae.

Nobody had anything. It was six or seven guys trying to make it, and nobody had the answer. But it was one of the most interesting times because we made it. But our whole life at that time, there was no... Ralphie May didn't talk to me about sports

or girls or Epstein's list. All we talked about was stand-up in those days. It was like a mini-fucking camp because everybody I dealt with was in that world. I didn't deal, unless my Coke dealer or something, everybody I dealt with was in that comedy world. Right. So it helped you.

You were surrounded with it. You know, Nick and I were talking about a friend of ours, a girl. it's not that she's a loser or that she's an idiot or that she's a fucking dickhead. It's that she's had shit people around her all her life. And she doesn't even know what's real anymore. She doesn't even know what a good relationship is,

what a good man is anymore, and nothing. Because she's surrounded herself with shit from time to time to time to time. This guy, cheated on her with a hooker. The guy before was 10 years younger than her and got a pregnant, a Muslim. You know, it's like, it's like you're not helping your life. What is the thing you bring up a lot?

Did I instance it or like the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over? Over and over. I snort a Coke. Every day thinking I was going to get a different perspective, it's insanity. You know, I get up every morning I smoke pot. I don't think it's that insanity because I don't get the same result every day, you know. I do. I get the result to get the fuck out of the house.

That's my result from smoking pot at 7 in the morning. It gets me out of the house by 8.30. Well, let's play devil's advocate. Do you think, and I know, do you think your life would be any more productive, anything would be more positive if you cut weed out? Yes or no. What would be better?

I don't think I'd be productive. Okay. Because it keeps my powder dry. I'm at a level right now. I'm not smoking pot because it's getting me high. I'm smoking pot. I'm using it like a fucking pacifier. Okay?

Like when kids use a powder. Pacifier? Right. That's all I do with drugs. That's all I've ever done with drugs. Is there a pacifier? For me, weed is something, is the last thing left from my past. It's the last thing left from my past. Which, but like you're unique because there are some people who, if they had the same past, doing a little bit of weed, could, like, send them all the way back. Like, did, have you ever thought, like, you know, smoking weed might send you back to doing Co? or it's just not how you act?

No, that's pussy shit. That's pussy shit. That's excuses. If I drink, I'll relapse, then don't drink. Right. Then don't drink. I think, for me, listen, the pot, listen, I get pot that's 45%. And I barely got high.

I'm not going to lie to you guys. It's crazy. You think I eat 500 milligram. You see what I look like on five. And look what I look like on five. It's not working. That's wild. Yeah, no, I took three of those things.

Oh. And I ate two fucking taffies. Okay, and all I got was munchies at night, but not even munchies where it was like I ate, my wife made tall house cookies and I ate three of them. You know, it doesn't. But for me, for me quitting, look, I can't breathe. And I won't quit smoking in the morning

because it's the last thing I have of my past. It's the last thing I have is a reminder what my life was. That's the last little piece. It's just me going to a wheat store and smoking dope. Now, if I said I was going to Columbia and coming back with a kilo of Coke because it was the last, I'm bullshying.

Right. I'm trying to turn. But this weed thing for me right now, after lunchtime when I smoke, nothing really happens. It gets high for 10 minutes. And then if I took a break, I've already taken breaks.

Nothing. Nothing really happens. But do you think, do you think you've also not come to term with, but like you're okay with, okay, I'm okay with whatever. Like, if it hurts my breathing, I'll accept that. Because someone could say, well, you know, if you're having trouble breathing, quit weed.

But I had breathing problems without the weed. When I went from the hospital, I didn't smoke weed for a month. I started problems. So I'm like, what are we doing here? Right. What the fuck is this? This is something different. This is anxiety-based.

There's a valve in my heart. There's something that's not, I have a cyst in my heart. that you have to watch every year. Like, I've been watching it. They're supposed to watch it. Okay. And if it grows or whatever, I have a cyst in my heart,

it could be anything that controls oxygen, stress, I know I got to pee. So I'm taking my... Dog, do I tell you guys, I took my dick out the mall the other day and just started pee? No, you didn't. Dog.

What do you mean in the mall? Listen to me. I went to buy... I was walking to the mall, and I had to pee. And I saw a sign for restrooms. So I followed that Five minutes

Ten minutes Fifteen minutes And then when I get to the end of the hall It's upstairs And I had to fucking go up the escalator When I made the side On the downstairs On the first floor this mall

I'm not going to say the mall Because then people are going to rest me On the downstairs it's just hard You know tile shiny tile But upstairs there's carpeting So So there's people walking back and forth, and I just went over to the fucking thing where you look down at the people.

Dog, right there, I just took my dick out because it was going to explode. I'd already peeved my pants a little bit. I just took my dick out and I could see it, hitting the carpet. I'm looking around. Isn't there glass on those things? There's glass, but I didn't give a fuck. I had to pee. Enough with the walking.

I just walked a mile 20 minutes after I saw a sign to pee. I'm about to bust, okay? I'm 62. Two, my fucking thing is the size of a woman's fucking ear now. I got to pee. And it turned, you know, like I used to tell you, like when I jerk off, I hold the top until I get to the bathroom because I'm uncircumcised, and it blows up like one of those snakes.

Right. I hold the fucking thing that it blows up. That's how my dick was. I was holding it under the pants, and I could feel the top exploding. I just took my dick out and they just hit the glass. And then it just started dripping. And I stood there, dog, and I'm like, these cameras are going to. to catch me. And I let the top go out, like, just to relieve me. And I put my pants back

and I looked down and I had a stain this big on my pants. I had to go out to the car and spray for breeze on my fucking pants. It smelled like, oh, man, piss. But I pissed right at the mall and then kept walking, like, nothing happened. And I was like, bro, they're going to call me like in a day. They're going to come to my house and go, Mr. Diaz, we need to talk to you. I haven't said, and then I went to the same mall the next day. And I'm like, did you go up to see if it smelled up there? No, I didn't go to that side of the mall. My wife went to the mall with my daughter

because I told her where to go get the Mercy's jacket. That's when she came back, I go, you know the second floor? She goes, yeah, I was, I go, do you ever find the bathroom? She goes, no, they put it. I go, that's why I took my dick out. She goes, no, you didn't. I just took my dick out. When I took it out, the top of the snake,

he just went, bah, and I hit the glass, and it was dripping down the glass. It was yellow. I don't get dark. I can't do it no more. I can't do it no more. And I got that bottle in the car from my surgery. and every time I pee in it, I'm like, what am I doing with my life?

What I mean every time you're peeing? And how often are you peeing in the car? Dog, there's times, I got to pee twice on the ride down. Sometimes I just go behind the car, but I'm the best at peeing undercover. Like, nobody could even see me. I'll take the phone out. I'll look up at the ceilings. Yeah, but you're going to get caught.

You've got to stop that. I know, but I just don't do it close to a school. Because then they'll get me as a sexual predator. So I don't piss close to schools or 20 years. yards or nothing. I pissing malls. First of all, I open up both doors on my car. Okay?

That I think should be allowed. If you open up both doors, and then I may believe I'm fixing the sunroof and I'll pee. But sometimes I'll get on the thing where you step onto the car. God damn it. So now there's like a little puddle there, pee in the thing. Oh, my gosh. I do that on the highway.

I love doing that. It's fucking terrible, man. How much I have to pee. And it gives me anxiety. Like, the more I'm walking. You can't breathe. You guys see when I woke up these steps and get to the top, I gotta pee. This time I'll just take my dick out and make believe I'm reading something. You know, like on the car, like, yeah, like that's it. I got to peeve me.

Have you ever thought about getting, like, the bags attached to you? It's better than taking your dick out at the mall. I don't give a fuck at this point. I need some publicity before next time. I need to get some publicity before I go to oceans. That should be the name of your tour, like the peeing in public. Oh, God. You have a shit, dude. I told my wife to take the water pills out.

Like, that's what it is. I have enough going through me. They give me these water pills in the morning. Oh, my God. And if I go eat breakfast out, like if Mercy and Terry have to do something, and I eat breakfast out, then I don't eat the pills

until I get back home about 11. Oh, oh, and that's not good. I got to box. I pee it boxing back and forth. I got to take my gloves off. So by the time, then you got to touch your dick with glovy fucking hands and their mildewy,

so I got to wash my hands first. And the whole time, I don't touch my dick with dirty hands. What happened? Never. I always wash my hands first. Before you. And if my hands are dirty,

I got a towel in the car, like a dirty evil car into the back seat, and I touch my dick with the towel, so my hands aren't dirty, and I don't get a disease on my dick. I don't want my dick to have COVID. I got to fucking shoot it on its own. It's got a little mask on,

you know what I'm saying? You could kind of make the egg roll, like the thing into a mask if you wanted. Fuck, man. Dude, no one is prepares like you. You have a hand towel for when you pee in your car? I had a. I had no choice.

If I'm with somebody, I don't want to have pee on my hand. I got fucking cleaner in my car, that antiseptic for your hand. Oh, yeah. I spray. I got the frieze. Sometimes I put on brand new pants. They're brand new. It's like 10 in the morning and I pee all over.

God fucking damn it. Now I got to go home and wear another fucking pair of pants for botchy or whatever the fuck because I hate having pee pee fucking pants. Has it ever happened on stage where you had to pee like that? Oh, like a motherfucker. Really? And I hold it in. I'll call it.

From now and I'll call it time out, though. I'll be right on the side of that stage. I don't give a fuck. Who's there if I got to pee? That's just the way to let the cat clean it up. Oh my God. Let the cat clean it up. You pee too all the time?

Go pee. What the fuck is wrong with you? Go pee. My bro, I sympathize now. people used to go I got a pee hold it not no more more that shit is fucking brutal man it's really brutal I gotta go to a urologist

to do something but my prostate is good yeah the fact that it's coming out that fast like I've started to see it like a decline in the in the pee strength a little bit oh what are you gonna fucking do you know what I'm saying I have no idea

it's been a good couple weeks though I feel good I mean I'm a little scared about my breathing So I have an appointment next week, but I think I'm just going to drive myself to the hospital one day this week and start the process all over again because this is going to get bad. It's somewhere it's going to get bad. I had it here during the football games. There was one football game. I was sitting here fucking, I could not breathe. I'm like, this is not good.

And I got to walk up those stairs at night. Do the inhalers help at all or not really? Again, they're a fucking pacifier. That's the name of my new book, The Pacifier, because that's all this is. just pacifying our ways for fucking years. That's all I'm doing right now. Yeah, you've been saying it for a little bit that your breathing's been off.

That sucks, dude. It's been off since like mid-August again. It was doing great for like four or five months. Great. I was rolling two or three times at Jiu-Jitsu. Now I can't do shit. I haven't even been to J-Jitsu. I'll do a private with Sean,

but I can't go to class because I don't want to tell people that you got to stop. Do you have that problem doing stand-up breathing? Because breathing during stand-up is a huge, if I couldn't breathe? No, it's weird. When I do stand-up, I'm so, I've been so programmed to breathe and you just understand breathing more when you're doing stand-up. It's unconscious for me. Like, if I'm around here, I have to worry about breathing.

I have to think about it. When I hit the bag, I have to hit with intention and breathing. When I do stand-up, I don't even think about it. It's just, your heart, just whatever. It's just like a naked. What do you got for shows this week? How are you doing? This week, I'm with you on Wednesday at the Dojo,

and then Friday and Saturday I'm at Roar in Springfield, Massachusetts, and Sunday I'm at Laugh Boston. Look at you. Oh, yeah. And then stuff in New York coming up, but that's this week. This week, yeah. Wednesday we got Dojo. The following Thursday, we got the bucket show at the dojo.

And then I think I take a week off of Halloween. We don't know what we're going to do yet. In the following week, I'm in a... I'm in... MGM Graham Graham, but that Wednesday I'm at the Stress Factory as a warm-up show. So I'm doing that just to keep warming up in front of audiences. November 5th is the Stress Factory, November 8th is D.C. So if you're not doing anything and you're in the D.C. area, swing by.

Tickets are available on their cheap. If you're not doing anything in Jersey, November 5th, come on that. There's no school that week. No? No. That's why I'm going to D.C. that week because fucking the 8th is... Wow. The eighth is my mother's 46th year of being dead.

Like the day she passed? Yeah, November 8th. And that's the week that you don't have school. Right. It just falls on a Saturday this year. It's also election week that year, right? So it's election the fourth. So we got nothing.

You'll be peeing all over Washington, D.C. Oh, I can't wait. I can't. Peeing at the Washington Memorial. I can't fucking. Like I said, the casino is only 20 minutes from the D.C. So my daughter and my wife are going, the lady who was in charge of that fucking place

Used to work with my wife. Oh, cool. My wife called her the other day to see if she'd get a room And she goes, come on Wednesday. I want to see you anyway. Come Wednesday. I put you in a suite, the whole fucking deal. But she said that when the guy told her,

these are the offers we got for this year, she goes, there was like six comics I wasn't going to bring. She goes, when I saw your name, I brought you in here, I don't even give a fuck if you sell a ticket. I just brought you here to bring your wife. Oh, perfect. It was perfect. So they'll come down?

They're coming down. Yeah, they're going down on Wednesday because they want to, I'll be alone. Right. On Wednesday, thank God for two days. But they want to go down just to, you know, D.C. shit. It's, and I say it all the time, it's so crazy to me. Like, Mercy looks at my Instagram stories now. And then she's like stealing your phone and going on Instagram.

She's at the bar posting it. That was, God. I got a call from my wife. About 10.15 Friday night, she goes, Joey, the girls are outside playing softball in the dark under the lights. They don't want to come in. I go, why did they have to come in? She goes, well, it's 10.30 at night.

Who gives a fuck? They got no school tomorrow. Let them play. Right. Let them play. When I pulled up, all those girls were under the lights because it was dark in my name, but they're playing catch under the light. stimulating fucking stealing third or whatever.

And I pull up and I go, ladies, what the hell are you guys doing? And they're like, we're practicing Mr. Diaz. I go, get in the house. I'm taking you out for a cocktail. Doug, those girls ran in that house. Ran in that house. I said, you got 10 minutes. I thought they were going to wash up.

They came down looking like, what's that show? With the four hookers in the city. Sex in the city. All of them. had mascara on and tight pants and shirts and the hair was up. They were ready. Ladies, where are you guys going? And the one little Jew girl was like, we're going to Austria.

Bav-a-b-b-b-b-ba-ba. And I get there, and it was Friday, and it's after fucking nine. So I'm like, you know what? I'm not going to go in there and put them at the bar. Let me go put them in a table. And then somebody will ask and I'll bring them over. My little Jew girl looked at me. She goes, I ain't sitting there's no table.

Not the Russian Jew, the Jew girl. She goes, I ain't sending no table, Uncle Joey. I'm going to the bar to have a drink. I go, and also my daughter got up, and the Mexican was pouring water for them, and they just got up. The Mexican's like, where are you guys going? They went to the bar, I ordered some cakes.

They have the best chocolate cake there. They have the best chocolate decadence with, like, ice cream and fruit. Nice. Oh, my God, a homemade whipped cream. I got four of them. Ooh, cakes, I know. Shirley Temple.

I got them all sodas with cherries on them. Yeah. And then I stepped away and I left them alone. And I watched them for 20 minutes. And it was the funniest thing I ever saw in my life. You'd think they were like, Madam Fifi. They were taking the cherries and popping them in their mouths and eating the truck. And then I got them in the car.

And it was like, fucking, I wanted to crash the car. Because they were all talking about different things all at the same time. It's like cocaine. You see it. You feel. fucking see it with kids. When you give them sugar, they go off the fucking deep end.

And I took him home, and when we got home, they're like, we had such a good time, Mr. Diaz. We're going again tomorrow night. And I'm like, okay. And then at the bar, her phone died.

That's why, because she goes, leave your debt. Dad, leave your phone. I put to call mom real quick and ask her a question. Because mom said to bring her a dessert. I didn't know what dessert.

Right. That's what she was doing. What is it called? Underrain? Part three, yes. Just posting stories. She's funny on Instagram She put up

She put up a story the other day She's like Who wants to dooredash me food Oh yeah she was at school Oh no she was at rehearsal Playing the bass And she didn't bring fucking food So

I was sitting there And all soon I see the story And I go You dumb bitch I told you to bring a sandwich I told you to bring something Now When I picked her up that day

I'm starving to that I'm starving dad We don't That's a I love it You And the shit's only gonna get crazier It's only going to get crazy.

Once she starts driving. Oh, I've been bothering lately to drive. Really? And she doesn't want to do it? You've got to learn now. Who wants to learn when they're fucking 17th? I'm going to teach her in that truck. Oh.

And you're going to just turn her into the Uber driver? Yeah, so when she gets a smaller car, she'll know. Oh. I can put her in that truck. That truck will have 200,000 miles by the time she's fucking... I'll save that truck. I bought that truck. Right.

So I'll just give it to her. Let her bang people with that fucking truck. let her cut off a motherfucker with that truck. You're not going to teach her in a Honda. Teach her in that truck. And she sees a bigger vehicle than a smaller vehicle. She'll react a lot better. But that's it, man.

It's just another fucking fun week. This is my time of the year. Fucking two more weeks after Halloween, it goes fast. And again, I'm not going to remind you, motherfuckers. We're probably down to 10 Mondays before Halloween. That's it. Before Halloween less.

Before Christmas. Oh, yeah. Before Christmas. Probably got 10 Mondays to Christmas. So you better. to get it together. It's going to be a hard year. People.

Yeah, 10 Mondays. People are already holding on to shit. I mean, think about it. They don't even talk about Halloween. Nobody's even talked about Halloween. The candy's already out. Yeah, but who's eating? I am.

I love that fucking... Dude, they put it out in fucking July. That's the biggest scam. CVS? A diabetic factory. CVS. Yeah. You love all of it.

that shit. That shit's so bad now. When we were kids, Oreos were okay. Now, God knows what's on them. They don't even fucking, they don't even get soft in milk. They're like something's in there.

But anyway, who gives a fuck about Oreos? I love you, motherfucker. You have a good week. I love you guys. Thank you for being a part of our lives again. And that's it. Tip Top Magoo, motherfuckers. See you next week.

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