The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - The Supermarket of Sin

Episode Date: February 11, 2025

Joey Diaz tells Lee Syatt about having to go back to the hospital, why his roommate was worse than any roommate he's ever had before, and why he had to torture his doctor a little bit. Joey and Lee are also joined by Joey's nepew Nick A. Joey grew up around Nick's entire family including his grandparents and Nick grew up hearing these stories. Nick is the laugh you love on the podcast and is beginning a career in politics. Support the show and get $5 off your Magic Spoon order at https://www.magicspoon.com/CHURCH  Support the show and get 35% off your first 3 NYKD orders at https://www.NYKDPouches.com/CHURCH  

What's happening, beautiful people? It's Tuesday, the 11th of February. A beautiful day to be alive. Me and Leah here to bring you a little joy on a Tuesday morning. Let's get this party started, Jackson. Hey, Uncle Joey here. I want to talk to you about something. If you missed the cereal of your childhood, but don't miss the sugar,

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Get $5 off your next order at magic spoon.com slash church, C-H-U-R-C-H, or look for MagicSpoon on Amazon or your nearest grocery store. That's magic spoon.com slash church for $5 off. Welcome back to church! We're here. Uncle Joey's here, my main man Lee, the co-host of, Debt, how was the weekend there? I had a great weekend.

What'd you do? I did. Well, my show got postponed, which sucks, but I went and saw Russell Peters, which was really fucking cool. He was at the Beacon. And then I'm not fucking mush. That's what I got, I have to announce. I did well yesterday.

Or two days ago. I did well at the Super Bowl. Okay. Yeah. I got lucky in a couple of, like, they had one for like, since it was like Taylor Swift. They'd won if anyone, if they score 20, two points in a quarter. It was like five to one. I got defensive touchdown twice.

I had just any defensive touchdown and then I had each team. So I got like I turned like 200 into 700. I had a great fucking day. Yeah. Oh, dude, I was so ready to fucking lose it. I told people I was like, hey, just I'm gonna, I

did a live, Philly. Okay. I told people just bet opposite me and you'll probably win. And for the first time ever, I did okay. I'm so happy for Philly. And it was like it was from the very beginning that they were just destroying. I knew it.

I knew it that for them to win at NFC East Football. You got to go in there and go after the fucking quarterback. That's it. That's NFC East Football. The Giants, the Redskins, the fucking Cowboys, and those fucking idiots. It's fucking NFC East football. You're biting,

you're scratching, that's what the NFC was always about. I think somewhere in all this softness, of football, you know, the hate and love hate. Listen, it's football. I got to hate you. During the game, I got to hate you for an hour. What are you talking about?

Right. What are you talking about? I'm going to rip your fucking lungs out. What are you talking about? There's no love here. After the game, we do the hug. Yeah, yeah. I make more money than you do.

The whole fucking deal. You know, it's all the fake hugs and shit. Right. Like being in L.A. Like, they don't love each other. No. I didn't think that was going to happen, though. I thought I was just going to be like a huge, like,

I was hoping everybody scored. I thought it was going to be a good game. I didn't think Philly was going to get in their ass like that. You know, I didn't like that they kept going to Chiquon and Berkeley. They get it. They get it. How many times you're going to go to Berkeley? Enough.

I wish he did anything. That's the only where, the only place I lost money. Even in the four, they were winning by 80, and he's still running fucking, get him out. That's it. It's over. That's it. The guy's going to get killed for no fucking reason. He's going into the mouth of fucking debt.

You know, I'm an old fucking man. And this is the difference when you're watching football. When I watch the Super Bowl now, I get it. I get it because what you don't understand, even the news is entertainment. The news makes money on commercials. Does it not? Yeah, a thousand percent.

They're an entertainment company. They have to entertain you with their... They put it together. Like, the other day, I switched governments. I went from ABC World News Tonight. There was like a hockey game, so I couldn't watch World News, so I went to Channel 4.

It's the same fuck with Jose Diaz. I'm watching it. They're like Jose. Jose's got a big fucking head. I'm like, this fucking guy's name is Jose. Then they called him Jose Diaz. And I lost it. I'm like, fuck.

I got to do something about my head. And it's the same fucking formula. They tell you all the bad news. Up front and then at the end, here's the kid who found the drum amid the fire in California. You see a little kid playing his drum. You know, it's the shame formula.

Right, it's all the same. Listen, last week they put on a, oh, listen to the un-man, I love when they do this, because only white people fall for this. Okay, when they go, we found the lost Tina Turner album. Listen, that thing was lost for a reason. They put that in the back of the safe for a fucking reason. It was like one of those things that she's like, let's release this night. Not right now.

Not right now. We'll get that later on. It's like a Yoko Ono fucking song. Put in the back. And then you hope she dies before she. She ever brings it up again, and then they die. And then some fucking agent goes in there and goes, oh, let's release it, and make ten times.

You're not going to make it. It's a bunch of yelling. It's Tina Turner getting beat up by Ike yelling. You know what I'm saying? That shit. Nobody wants that shit anymore. And I love Tina Turner. I'm not saying nothing bad about it.

But all that, like, we found three more Beatles songs. They're terrible. The Beatles put out everything, backwater, cookies. They were like Elvis. Like, if you hear that Elvis had a missing song, trust me, it's bad. Well, now, like, I don't know if there's obviously going to be missing stuff, but I didn't, I saw that Scorsese is doing this, like, mini-series for Fox Nation, like, the Fox Nation app. And I have nothing against Fox, but, like, that's who's coming up with an app now their pay.

They gave Scorsese however many millions of dollars. And now, like, it's going to. I hear you all the director is your own fucking fucking doing a podcast. I know. The fucking expelling. The fuck is going on with your life. You should be creating your own app. You should be Rupert fucking lease.

If you let me do any of it. the ideas I've given you high. You see Rupert at the fucking, at the game yesterday, the owner of Fox, sitting there with an Asian bitch. He had bitches behind him, bitches to the left of him. That dog is old, but he can still hunt. Because with that type of money, you just get a prosthetic dick like that. I just get like a two-foot dick.

Everybody's getting yam-yums. Listen, they're doing something, right? They're making men into women. In some country, Sweden, they got to have, like, a, do you want a black dick that's white? 30 million. Want to get like a transplant A black dick on to him? Fuck, but white, you know.

Oh, right, of course. He can't show up with a black dick at that age. No, no, that'd be terrible. I'm sure whoever's there would walk away if it was black. Yeah, those guys, stay there. I don't give a fuck. Rupert Murdoch don't give a fuck if he cheats on his wife. He don't even know his wife is anymore.

That's how much money is. I don't know. I don't think she cares. No. No, she's as she's thrilled. He's 90. 90 years old. Whatever the fuck he is.

But it doesn't matter. Wasn't he married? Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, he was married to, what's his name for a while? Rupert Murdoch was married to Mick Jagger's ex-wife for a while. The Texan chick, the big Texan. Jesus. Jerry Hall.

Look it up. Somebody was married to Jerry Hall. Some big motherfucker. After Mick Jagger, Jerry Hall came along and married another tycoon. I think it was Rupert Murdoch. It's like that chick. You ever get that girlfriend that? Yeah, Ruby Murdo.

Yeah, told you. Told you. And she left with more money than Mick Jagger. She's like, fuck Mick. Fuck Mick. I can take Mick's money and shove it up my ass. This is big money. Rupert Murdoch was fucking Jerry Hall.

That's why I like when women go. I'm sick of rich guys. Yeah. It's time to date regular guys. Oh, well wait until he splits the check with you. Wait through he splits the check. Wait until you have to go and you drink the low-class wine. After about a month, you're like, we're going back to those rich dudes.

because this is bullshit. Did you see Bill Belichick got his girlfriend in the Dunkin' Donuts commercial? Fuck, dog, that's what old pimps do. That's what old... She's like 24. 25, yeah. Doug, I'm the only fucking old pimp

that lives at home with his wife and has a kid and goes to basketball games. I got a half a fagg. If I had a brain in my head, I'd be on a boat right now. Get my balls licked, throwing people off the boat, Epstein style. You know what I'm saying?

Would it be the same people? Would they lick your balls and then you throw them off the boat? two separate groups of people. No, I'm like fucking Netanyahu. They sick their dick, then you kill them. There's no Diddy tapes. There's no, nobody's going to come back and you.

I was on his boat. You were not on this boat. You're dead. You know what I'm saying? Nobody talks about Nan' Yao all his bitches, because he kills him all. Do you think Did he must be upset about that? Diddy.

He must have wished he killed all. Listen, I don't want to talk about Diddy. We got so many guys. things in the fucking world to talk about and you want to talk about that fucking mort. You know. You brought it up. I didn't bring up Diddy.

I bought a Rupert Murdoch. A big difference. Rupert Murdoch and Diddy two different fucking deals. I had a hell of a fucking weekend. I got to tell you guys about. So everything was good. It was like being on this trip club. Everything was good.

She would be in love. Then I ran out of dollar bills. Once you run out of dollar bills, the whole night's over. You got to break that rhythm. You know what I'm saying? Hey, give me a 20 by the time she comes over. She's talking to Julio down by the school yard.

You're like, what the fuck? And now that he broke the whole, what are we talking about? You're a weekend. It was like a strip club. All right, so everything was going good. I fucking get a call from my doctor. And she's like, listen, you got to come in

for me to prescribe you this prescription you need. And I'm like, I'm not going in there. I was like fighting. Just give it, because she didn't have an appointment to like March. 30 years. And I'm like, that's not gonna work.

You know? I go, forget it. I came out of hospital two weeks where I called you, motherfuckers. You told me to call back this week and now you're telling me again, you have no appointments for me.

She goes, well, you need this. I go, well, what do you want me to do? Where the fuck do you want me to get it? I got to wait until whatever. She goes, oh. She goes, okay, I got you an appointment for tomorrow 11th.

I knew you had fucking appointments. You just holding them out on me. Fuck you, motherfuckers. So when I got down there, she's like Joey your lung but I saw something else and she goes let me touch it and she started touching me

and I fucking popped up in the air and she goes I want you to go home pack a bag and go to the hospital you have diverticulitis so I fucking did exactly what she said went to the hospital packed my bag I was just there for five fucking nights

it was great it was a fucking I'd tell anybody to go to that hospital it was tremendous but I didn't forget that you have good weeks in life and you got bad weeks in life so fucking I'm there Wednesday, Thursday. They're going to send me home Friday.

And Friday morning I get a fucking Instagram from PauliTunes. And he sends me a cartoon of me talking about being in the hospital when I was 16 at Christ's hospital. And the guy next of me had a stroke on the side that makes the shit of your body.

So he couldn't shit. So I was in there with him for like two days like, oh, ah. And they finally like on a Friday night, they came in with a fucking a court gun and they weren't ready for it and they put it up his ass and they started shooting the water

and all of a sudden shit started coming out everywhere. He hadn't taken the shit in like four or five days this poor bastard. He was overflowing. Oh no. His whole side was draining like the hip. You can hear it on them going oh get towels and all this shit. So they put me in like a clean room

and that was it. But I get this Friday morning in the hospital. I'm like this is fucked up. And I got a Mexican guy next to me. The nicest Mexican guy you ever met. His family came. They brought fucking Mexican food. I gave oranges. Everybody was fucking happy. It was a fucking

because I steal shit from the back. So I'll be giving Rice Krispies. Mexicans love taking Rice Krispies home. I don't know what it is. Fucking. So about 8.30, they throw him out of the hospital to fucking Mexican dude.

And I'm like, oh shit. But Friday night, I also Thursday night, I said, fuck this. The last time I came to the hospital, I played sober Joe. This time I'm not doing that shit. So I ate 300 milligrams on Thursday night. I was fucked up. You got fucked up off 300? Oh, like we do here on Mondays. Okay. I fucking put the earphones on. I had Led Zeppelin on. I had a basketball game on. I was writing. Don't you got to see that notebook. I wrote like 55 pages of shit. Nice. Thank God. And now I looked at, there's two things I can read. It's like I'm

I thought it looks like fucking that Chinese book that came out today. Same hieroglyphics and shit. So I'm sitting there Friday and I go, fuck this. I'm taking 400 milligrams. So I pop all four of those motherfuckers. There's one left. I save it for Lee. Thank you.

Because I'm a Christian. I'm sitting there on fire. And I hear this commotion. Hey, stop here. And some guy again, oh. Oh. I'm like, fuck. I take my earphones off.

Hold on. I could tell something's going on in my room. They bring him in. And he's like, lady, before you put me in the bed, I have to go number two again. The guy's like fucking 80.

And, you know, they had to flip him over and shit and the whole thing. Then he shit again. He shit three times in the wheelchair before he even got on the bed. Right?

Now I'm sitting there going, I need this. I'm supposed you're not packing your bag. I just popped some medables. Everything was beautiful. It's like now, now you see the correlation between the stripper. Now everything was beautiful.

I had a flow going. and that's it that's it and now this guy so they finally put him in bed he don't touch the betty shit to the get it's 9.30 and it's now it smells like fucking exit 11

in my room and I'm in the corner so you got nowhere to go this ass is coming at me so I got like a cape on like a little fucking wait is all you had that little like curtain between you that's all you had for the smell that's it oh no I got the cake they put

on you with the ass out. I never put those on. I get sweats and sneakers in that motherfucker. I got time for no cape with my asshole out. So I put that on around my head like a Turkish dude. Just so I wouldn't smell the shit. Wait, you put the hospital gown and run your head? Fuck yeah, and left the eyes out. Like, fucking

you know me, like Alibaba in the 40s? I don't give a fuck, John. Why is there no picture of this? Because I didn't, I wasn't going to take a selfie, look like Alibaba. Next thing no, people think I join ISIS. And that's a whole fucking So it's about 11.30.

I get out of the room. I had a pastrami sandwich, so I fucking went out in the hallway and ate it. I don't want to smell that shit all night. I come back about 11.30 quarter to 12. He's kind of like, oh, oh. I lay down. And also, because in the hospital, it's not going to drive up here today. I'm home all day.

I'm home all day. When do the doctor's call you when you're in the car? you when you're in the car. They want information. Like, can I get the information? Listen, I'm on Route 3 with sunglasses on. You know what I'm saying? Cutting people off. I ain't got time to go on my wallet. I sat there all day waiting for you the motherfuckers to call.

And you call it 5 o'clock. You know, as usual. That whole system, they bother you when you least expect it. So I'm fucking sitting there and I'm like, I'm too hard to even go to sleep. So they start with that bullshit. Hi, Mr. Diaz, we're here to check your vitals.

That's the first. fucking the oxygen and the blood pressure, then they prick your fucking finger and get blood out of it for a sugar test. She comes in, and she's got the machine away from me. Right? It's about midnight, maybe. So I can't see the numbers, but I see her go,

and all of a sudden she's on a walkie-talkie and a bunch of white people come in my room. I got like three white people, two black people, an African lady, a Filipino lady, and they're like, what could be going on? And they're like, are you okay? And I'm like, I'm okay, what's going on? They're like, your blood pressure is 190 over 100

and your oxygen levels at 88. How are you even standing? And I got up and I'm like, I'm fine, I'm tip top of it. And they're like, we don't know what's going on. We have to call the head surgeon. And I'm thinking, I know what's going on. I got 400 milligrams of me, bitch. That's what's going on.

So now I know what it does to you. It raises your blood pressure and lowers your oxygen level, so we're good. Oh, good. That's awesome. Did you tell them this at any point? Fuck, no. I'm going to let him guess.

I'm going to let him call Mars. I'm having him call China for medical information. He was fine all day. Your blood pressure was 140 over 80. And all of a sudden now it's 198 over 100. What is going on? I'm like, I don't know. I tortured them, but then they torture me because that fucking dude shit again.

I was going to say, he was making a reappearance. Dog, they flipped them over and the bucket fell. So now there was shit juice all over the fucking floor. I didn't say a word You know me I usually fucking go What the fuck is this? I'm going home calling Uber I didn't say a word

I just wanted to get healthy I was up all night But the clinker is Like I was asleep but up I had the blanket on I had earphones on I had to sleep at me a mask on I would listen to music

Because I was so fucking high And they kept coming in And they kept coming in asking me creepy questions Like at 2.30 they woke me up To ask me how much I weighed And how tall I was And I asked I said

Can I ask you a question So this question and came to you. At 3, 4th, at 2.40 in the morning, you just decided, let me wake up, Joey, to see what he weighs and how tall he is. Then they'll come in again like at 4.

Like, we need to take more blood out of your finger. Why? I haven't eaten the fucking thing. I've been sitting here burning on edibles because I can't walk out because the shit fog is on the wall. Finally at 7, I got up, tiptoed by way of that bathroom,

and I took the most fucking, the best shower I've ever taken because I knew there was shit particles in the air. The guy's been shitting for 10 hours every fucking 15 minutes. There's got to be some type of shit particles in the air. So I took a nice shower. I walked out and you can still smell the shit. The breakfast camera goes, nah, nah, we're not eating in here. Take them out.

I don't want shit on my eggs. Feeces, pieces all over the fucking place. Feasus fucking pieces. Aggravating. You go to a hospital with relax. Not to get tortured That's what they do to you In those hospitals

They torture me And it's a great hospital I love them to debt They call today And I gave them all 10 stars That's not the fire And then the one day We got this

Listen if Jews put an ugly woman On this planet This was the one She was there When I checked into the big room A two-man room She was the ugly She had those eyes

Like she had been in fucking Gaza for 200 days She was a hostage She had like a black towel Around her head She had the stocking She was a stinky But I don't think she was full on

Right only partially So this fucking bitch I go up to day And God I'm in my room And I start taking my shampoo out My wife dropped off And she goes What are you doing

I'm taking a shower She goes no you can't I go what do you mean I can't take a shower She goes You can't take a shower And we get doctor's orders That's gonna take about three hours

I go I gave him that bronchon line That's three hours too many I'm going in right now and she's like but you can't the doctor's orders i said the doctor hasn't given me no order I've been in the fucking hospital for 27 hours there's some odors coming out of me

I'm taking a shower bro this lady went and got security and as she was walking into the security I walked into the shower and they banged on the door for like three minutes the shower was on can't hear you I came out there waiting for me and shit like you can't do this the doctor

I go, listen, there was a, I didn't say it in front of the ugly Jewish chick. I said it to the guy, I go, why don't you get the doctor to come up here and sniff my nuts at? He'll give you an order. To take me in there and bathe me. My nut was rotten on the left side. From laying on that, you have that. Sometimes you've got pee around your dick, that's one thing. You can wipe it off.

But if you got that nut, slam. I love that, yeah. You have it, and it's on your hand, and then you can't wipe it off your leg because it just slicks. That's what I had. I'm not embarrassed. say it. That's why I take three showers a day. Because I know that's what comes out of my left nut juice. Because I lay out my left

side. I figured it out. Right. Now, I want to paint the picture. Is this before or after this guy shit himself? This is way before he came. All right. So this is pretty, okay. Holy shit. Oh, my. And, yeah, because you was going 27 hours without a shower. Never happens.

Dog. Come on. I took like three Puerto Rican ones where I got the hot towel and you wipe your armpits in between your balls. But that don't do it. You got to use soap and fucking dove and elbow grease And your skin is dry You know your skin I took my pants off Right fucking it went poof

From my legs how dry they were I need a fucking shower Right Put some cream on these fucking stilts Dude I've been with you once Like once many times Like we've done something in the morning Had lunch

Went back to your house And be like I gotta take a shower I'll be better Yeah that's what a shower's for to use it Not to look at it and go Oh it's a nice shower What the fuck you gotta get in there Right

You got to wash that ass, 24 hours without washing your ass. Right. And maybe one or two shits. It starts to ferment. Oh, yeah. It starts to ferment. It turns into something else. After you get mushrooms and hemorrhoids and all the dirty shit around your ass.

When you don't wash your fucking ass. How excited are you to get to be like 70 and 75 and like just really torturing doctors? I'm not excited at all. No? No. I'm still thinking about all the people I can torture them. Right. I got people that call me every day

that just, they're looking to get tortured. And I'm such a Christian now, I just let them off the hook. That's really nice of you. You bet your ass. What did you do to that guy who was shitting himself into? No, he was in a night. Listen, it's not as well. Did he give him something to stop him up right? I kept saying, you want me to bring you something? He's like,

everything goes through me. That's all. Because I had to connect in the back. I get coffees. I get the cereals. I get the fucking turkey sandwiches. That night I got so high. I must eat and four turkey sandwiches. The night he shoot himself? No, the night before that, when I ate the three

edibles, oh my God. I ate so much in there. I had these turkey sandwiches that are delicious. Don't eat the ham sandwiches. But you eat the ham sandwich while you're eating it, you're like, thank God I'm in the hospital. I don't have to go far if this shit goes sour. But the turkey sandwich is unreal. You know, and I got that

divertitis, whatever the fuck that is. Isn't that what the UFC fighter had? Yeah. But he had it. Like he had take a surgery. I'm trying to avoid the surgery. So I got to stop eating seeds. I can't eat fucking red crushed pepper. I got to eat the crushed powder now.

Oh, damn. Hey, it's better than having surgery. That's right. And this is what happens. This is the evolution of man. All you young guys are like, why am I listening to this conversation? Because one day, this is going to be you.

Do you think I was going to have these conversations? Not at all. I thought I was going to be dead when I was 37. And I was good with that. I was good with that. I'm like, I don't need shit. But it didn't work out. I thought I was going to die during Y2K.

Because of Y2K? I really did. I really did. I'm like, I'm going to die like the year 2000. Right. About a month or two and I'll die. Okay. I never died.

So. What would happen? Like, let's say when you got to the year 2000 and you were like June and you were still alive. Did you pick a new day? I was in shock. Did you pick a like, all right, it's going to be 2006? I didn't die and I ended up marrying, met me, my wife. Yeah.

June of 2000. Wow. That's crazy. I was on the road And then if you think about it, you said You said I wouldn't make it to 50 and then you had mercy No, I was on the road that year from November And I didn't get back to April

That's awesome And I only had three weeks booked When I left Everything else was fallouts from the road And I worked every weekend It wasn't the money I wanted But I worked constantly That's and you were just taking a bus?

Fuck no No I was a girl in a car Oh shit Oh okay That was that one. And I had to throw her clothes away because she would put her clothes in the back seat and I'd be smoking cigarettes and I'd fling them out the window.

So I thought and when we get to the destination, I look at the back of her and her shirt would be burnt. So for years, she would always tell me, I don't know what happened to those three shirts. They just ended up burned. Holy shake. Dude, I'm surprised you lasted as long as you did in the hospital. Especially now hearing it. Like both times, I was surprised that you lasted as long as you did. did. And then this time

to hear, because you don't do well with weird smells, like even like even a little bit. Sandals, little things just ticked me off. Ranch dressing. Then the one day they brought me salad with ranch

dressing. I almost went off. I almost went off. The next day they brought me no salad, but with the right salad dressing. Wait, they brought you no salad, but they brought dressing? They brought me no salad. Okay But dude

The fact that you survived Even just take out the dude's shitting Because that's actually kind of At some point did it get funny And at some point When you're in the hospital room You think you're on true TV And that people just fucking with you

It's like before when I got in the car I was in the car 10 minutes I just got the gas I just hit the fucking nine I'm just hitting the Jersey turn pike north And this lady decides to call me And she got to put me on hold and she wants to ask me questions

and what medications are you taking? Listen, do you see my wife in the fucking car? If my wife's not in the car, I don't know what I'm taking. You can throw off the names at me and I'll yesterday. I'm taking everything. Calipaline, they hit you with all this shit,

and you're like, guys, I don't even know what's in that cup in the morning. My wife puts a cup on top of the table with pills. I just drop it. I take the other one on my own. I take one downstairs on my own, and I take the ones at night on my own. But the breakfast one, it's too many.

Right. So I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. But you were saying when you're in the hospital, it feels like true TV. I asked if it never got funny. Oh, yeah, at some points I have to look around. Listen, what saves me is my sense of humor, even though I don't have one. What do you mean you don't have one? I don't have a sense of humor like that.

Like most people, like they, oh, what happens? No, don't. Yeah, you know. Why are you waking me up at 2.30? See how tall I am. What am I dying? You're calling the cash company? You know, the casket company?

I mean, what the fuck? You got to sit there and go, what the fuck was that about? That's got to be a fucking candid camera minute. That's got to be a candor camera moment. Did they really just literally like shake you, Mr. Deans? Dog, they ask you questions. The one day, I got this fine little African chicken there that takes vitals.

I mean, this girl was a sweetheart and she was beautiful to boot. And she's taking my vitals. It's 6.30 in the morning. We're kicking it. We're doing great. I'm playing fucking music for Cuban music and shit, talking about Nigeria. Yeah, well, all the saints came from.

And fucking, uh, three people just march into my fucking deck. A woman and two fucking, like, little assistants with the pads? You ever see that when a woman walks in and she's got two little fags of pads? This bitch just comes into my room. Now, the blood pressure machine is here. The chick is here and the TV's here.

She just walked into the TV into my space. Hi, Mr. Diaz. I'm Dr. Doolittle or whatever fucking name is. And this is whack and frack over here. These two fucking blow and hoe. That's what these are. And she's like, doesn't even say that to me. Touching my stomach.

And I'm like, okay. And then she's like, hold on, take his pulse. Well, lady, often the bell goes off and my blood pressure is one fucking seven. over 90. She's like, it's a bit high this morning. I go, first off, look at you and look at me. Why are you there?

Back! You came in here while she, a doctor, a surgeon, came in here while she tested my blood. No respect for this poor fucking girl and no respect for me. And just barge in here with your college-educated ass and started like, you know.

Right. And that's my blood, I go step back. 140 over fucking 80 I go do you see I mean you're a fucking surgeon Right There's days I was in there Giving blood

And there's other motherfuckers coming in Trying to give you like another needle A back rub and you're like enough Let's do this first Right When they all come in they come in like You know when you pull your car in When a race and all of a sudden everybody comes out

Bam Bam Right That's what it looks like It's like we don't it's not a race Fuck They're saying a fucking race. Why is that nine people in here? Well, let me touch your legs.

Why? Now, I got a thing on my arm. I got an IVOV. It's, it's humorous, man. Right. Oh, yeah. It's humorous that. Well, that does sound funny.

I would have, I've laughed in public bathrooms. When people fart, I'm a little kid. Like, if that dude was shitting himself, there's a zero percent child of laugh the entire time. Listen, listen. Let me tell you something else. Because in life, you don't know how this sounds. See, when we shit at home, we shit into a toilet. And I hear it's like, bloop.

Every once in a while, we get the 3D experience where the water hits you in the ass, right? Or you go to wipe your ass and your hand hits the shit or the water. You went a little too deep and now you got the black hand stain over here. All right. But that's completely different, guys, than if you shit in a bucket and listen to the bucket for. And hear the shit Because as soon as it hit I go oh that shit water

That ain't Agua de Olympia That's not You know it's like when puke hits When puke hits a floor You know what it sounds like And if you're not watching it Listening to it

It's completely different So when I heard that bucket Flip over It wasn't like a metal bucket Whatever the fuck they put you Like a little baby bucket And the bucket flip When that thing went

And it hit And I heard the nurse go Oh no You know Oh, no. That's it. That's, uh... So when I heard that, that's the first time I was like, that's real.

That's real. And I'm going to walk in it, and I'm going to be fucking pissed. I put on two of those little hospital socks they give you with the little, with little alligators on the bottom so you won't slip. I don't think they would have done anything. Those are still cloth socks. Did what? Those are still cloth.

Yeah, but I put two on just in case because you step on one of those little nuggets. It don't matter. You ever snap on one of your own of your own. Nuggets or the cat's nuggets? It's not good. You've stepped on shit before? Yeah. Where?

In what scenarios, there's shit on the floor? I went to get up to wipe my ass. A little yum yum, it dropped the floor, and I fucking backed into it. It was on my heel. I didn't even know. You smell something funny.

Because that's another thing. When you shit in the toilet, it smells like what it smells like. Right. Go cut that motherfucker with a knife and leave it in there. It opens up the airways. That's why when shit breaks the half,

It smells so bad. Plus, if he's 80-something and having, like, an issue, I don't think there's anything to cut in half. I feel like it's, like, all... Listen, I don't know what his diet is. All right. I didn't follow him around, like, fucking muck and hook. How about, did they...

They took you out of that room, he said, after that happened? No, I abandoned shit. I got up that money of seven and told him what time it was. I'm like, get the paperwork ready. They're like, yeah, we're going to go. And the doctor came in a little Arab guy, sweetheart. And he goes, we discharged you. And he goes, everything good.

I didn't say enough. I didn't make a scene. I made a scene when they told me I'd be out by 12, and it was 1.15. And I was still sitting there. This guy's still going, oh, oh, oh, oh. I'm like, come, enough. It's sunny out. My fucking legs are swollen.

Because I would walk around all the time in the hospital. I walk every hour. Right. You got to move around that motherfucker. That's what, you're going to die there. Oh, shit. Emergency was great. The first day I got to emergency, like an hour in there was already a fist fight.

I'm going. Four cops had to fuck some dude up. And then he was like in there. He was like, ah, fuck you. You're not a doctor. Get out of my face. And also I heard 25. You know, like somebody was 25 milligrams or something.

Oh, no. And I heard him yell. Ah! And that was it. I went over and checked on him. I had blood all over his fucking thing. A fist fight in the... Did you see the fist fight?

I heard it. I heard a couple punches thrown and... Fucking wheels from a little chest. spinning around, you know, all that fun shit. Jesus. I can't imagine getting into a fist fight in the emergency room. That's the best place to get into a fist fight. You're right there.

I guess you're right. Fuck. It's a crazy world out there, Lee. People get into fist fights in a lot of fucking places. I've never been in an emergency room fistfight, but that's the most second, most exciting place in the world next to Disneyland. To get a new fistfight? Just go to emergency room Manhattan

Yeah And sit there for a few hours with a camera That's a fucking art That's a podcast Yeah, no you're right People walk in, bleeding, shot Fucking yelling That's a podcast

15 minute podcast Me and the emergency And every week you go to a different emergency room Can you imagine asking someone While they're fucking like Ah What happened? Get the fuck out of here

No, you're not going to ask nobody You're just a quiet spectator That's the name of the podcast. The quiet spectator. Some nights you go to court. Go to midnight court downtown and see what comes in there at midnight. Do you think they still have midnight court? They got to have something.

Jesus. They have a bunch of that on Zoom now. Court. Yeah, but it ain't the same. No. I want to sit there on Zoom and watch. You got to sit there and get the action, the odors. You know what I'm saying?

The guy comes in stab. You want to smell the blood? Oh, yeah. Jesus Christ. Yeah. Ha, ha. Midnight. You get stabbed.

That's why I was open. Why do you keep asking him? I don't want to get stabbed. I don't want to get hit in the head. People send me messages now. Like, have you gotten mugged yet? No, I don't want to get mugged. You're going to get mugged eventually.

Please stop saying that. If they mugged fucking Jerry Rocha, they're going to mug you. I go to, I don't. They got mugged twice. They took his jacket. Yeah, he got to walk home with no jacket. I don't have that kind of jacket. I don't have nice jackets.

They don't care. Two dollars is $2. You know what I'm saying? all they need. Fuck. So be careful. Always wear underlinings. Underlinings.

Yeah, like a fucking Arctic t-shirt and Arctic pants. Oh, that'll really help. You don't know if they make you think of your pants off, now you've got protection underneath. We're going to take a break with that one. Poor Lee couldn't handle that one. I don't know where to go from there.

I don't know where to go from there. We'll be back, bitches. Hey, Uncle Joey here. Listen, if you want a nicotine pouch, It's going to rock your world. I'm talking about rock your world. Look no further than Nick. Nick pouches come in 10 awesome flavors.

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That's Nick Pouches.com slash church. C-H-U-R-C-H. Nick products are only for adult. of legal age. So if you're underage teen, take a hike. Every order is age verified. Warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. Thank you for watching and supporting the church. I want to thank Nick for always supporting the church. We're back, bitches. We got my fucking a special guest tonight. He's the guy here cracking up in the back all the time, giggling, having a good time. My fucking nephew, Nikki A.

AKA Nikki pork chops. AKA Nikki, we're going to go get some pork chops after this. We're vinegar peppers, potatoes and onions. Are you kidding me? They got the Rhode Island iced tea? The Rhode Island clam chowder. Clam chowder on a fucking Monday night. Stop it.

What's up, dog? Having a great night. How about you, how you doing? Always. Listen, let's get some background here. So you motherfuckers, no. I didn't just pick them up at some fucking Thai bar. You know what I'm saying?

One of my friends brought a guy in Thailand and shit. I grew up with his family You know Next week we're gonna have Like in two weeks We got a friend of mine Dennis is coming in And then we got another villo coming in And you know

If you say anything to Dennis, Colangelo I always talk about Mr. Ascleese You've heard me talk about Mr. Ascleas, Mr. Ascleas, Mr. Ascleas. This is his grandson And I grew up with his uncles And his aunts and his mother

And during the pandemic I don't want to leave the fucking house I get a call from his uncle, he's like, hey, you got to do me a favor. My nephew, Nick, is there. He's looking to see the devil. He says he wants to me. I'm like, during the fucking pandemic, he brought that shit from New York because I was still

petrified. In June, I'm like, I don't want to talk to nobody from New York. And, uh, because the fucking guy who went skiing. The Jew. The Jewish guy, that motherfucker. He was probably, he's probably the ugly Jew's father down in the hospital there. Oh, shit. Fucking, uh, you know what?

I went to meet him and I was like, wow, this is tremendous. And I came back and I moved back, there he was. And, you know, he's an adopted nephew the same way his family adopted me 45 fucking moons ago. So this is a different generation. Like sometimes when he hears me talk, he's like, what the fuck is he talking about? You know, there's nobody getting mugged in Hudson County Park no more well. At one time there was. It's funny because every Monday I come up here and the wave sends me on a different.

different routes. And on every route, no matter what, I could find places I robbed, places I ran out of, places I lit on fire. Like, oh my God, I robbed that place. I didn't know it was a pizza joint now. My first burglary on my right. Yeah. It's really is fucking crazy. It really, every time I drive on Thunley Avenue,

a new memory comes to me. I'm like, I'm not even going to say that shit. They have that in New York. You could do that. Like, I have those guys that do like the double-decker buses that do the tours around. You can pick up people into the Joey Diaz tour of Northern New Jersey. Last week, two weeks ago, I'm at home watching New Jersey 12. I'm waiting for the weather. That's a little news station here in New Jersey. And that was the day the fucking truck went into the Kmart.

Target on Tunley. Target. What went in there? A truck, some type of truck. A dump truck went into the thing. And they're showing it on TV. So I'm thinking about all the shit I did there. I'm thinking about a time when there was a pathmark there,

I was a kid. And we got caught. We were going to rob the gas station. But to rob a gas station, I needed something. A gun? I didn't have a gun. So I go, fuck it. I called my friend. I go, let me go to Pathmark and rob a gun.

And we'll tape it, and then we'll go up there like a water pistol. What's a water pistol? Right. Tape it. Well, I get caught robbing the gun. Like, I didn't even make out a... I don't even make it out of a box. Why not just buy the water gun?

Because I went all A. When you go all A, you're going all A. You got a time to spend. a dollar on a water pistol. Maybe there wasn't even a dollar, Lee. Did you think of that? I apologize. I'm not considering.

And I still remember arguing with the lady outside crying, telling him my brother died, and I got another brother that's a car that he needs a gun. She's just lying. She's like, okay, I'll let you go this time. She was like six foot five, ugly and big. But then I thought about another night, because Tony Lickers used to be that.

When I was a kid, it was basically Pathmarked, and Tony Lickers was huge. It was like a supermarket of sin And you were just running in and out of there? We didn't. We couldn't get served in that So we would stand outside And see somebody who was going in there

Come on, go, give me a case of beer Do me something But one night we were in there I'm not going to mention no names One of my friends goes in With somebody to get a case of being He leaves three of us outside And there was a well-known homeless dude

North Bergen at the time He lived in Hudson County Park And he had leaves all over him And he'd come out like He had like a bum leg and I'd see him by Hashway It's like today I got pulled up Sunday Night Street So I sat at that light by Gold Coast

And I had to stare at Hashways And I thought of fucking a doozy of a story there So you just your mind goes away You're like Jesus Christ People are not going to believe this shit So We're talking to this homeless dude We knew him

He would talk to us Now it's July and he's got like a painter's suit on Like the whole body suit with the zipper up on top. And we're talking to him. It's like three of us, what's going on? Bad, blah. Can you spare a dollar? Yeah, we give them a dollar. If we gave you a dollar, three of us gave you a dollar, you were going to get

tortured. Like, we're going to tell you a gay, we want to suck your dick. So we're talking to this poor bastard back and forth. And my buddy's got a newspaper. And I go, give me the lighter. And they give me a lighter. He goes, what are you going to do? And I get the newspaper, I burn the newspaper and I put it in his back pocket.

And he's there talking to us in front of bat. mark. Like six minutes go by and you see smoke and a little couple of flames and we're fucking dying. And probably somebody comes like, she goes, hey, you you're on fire. You're the fucking best. I swear. This is torture stories. Like,

there was a summer where we just tortured people. We'd get out of the car and just torture people. You know, we'd stay in Jersey till three and then you went into the city. And you were in the city at 3.30 in the morning in the village with a mirror on the hood. Snowing Coke, just drinking beers like we're on the street

and people would walk by, hey, how are you? Hey, nice to see you. Was that the one where like you had like a small mirror? Like you had a big one? Yeah, we robbed the house and it had like those, you know those things next to you? Where you put your night cabbage? No, in the bell. A night table. Where the long clock is. It was like one of those things and had a piece of glass. So we're like,

we're going to use that. Take the glass. You know, but we would stop people. Like, guys would come home and go, What are you guys doing? Nothing. And then we talked to them for like, tell me, you want a beer? Yeah, give my joint. You want to join?

And then we'd start. Like, listen, let me ask you something. Have you considered being a fag? And they're like, yeah, why? No, I'm like, you guys' facts, all four of us. We're all 220. Derrillas. And we're like telling this guy, hey, we like to suck dick and shit.

And that was every night we did that to some poor best. How long would they last? Like, if I'm smoking a joint with somebody, like, I would leave pretty quick. 25 minutes, 30 minutes, and we could come up. Just chat with you? Just one time. He wants to suck your dick. Take him out.

And we would play it. Like, I want to suck your dick. Like, I would sit there. Like, what the fuck? You know, we grew up in your grandfather's house. I mean, it's, it's, I mean, you could hear all the stories. I know. But it's hard for you to, it was a different time.

It was a different time when, you know, George, how many times I walk into the house at two of the morning? And it was like a fucking party over there. Mom was up. Your grandmother was up. You know, it was a different world. Like, if my house could change. I want it to be a leg. Like, I can't wait.

For mercy to get like two years older. When they come home and two and they try to creep in, and you come up like Joe Pesci's mother. And you're good for a. Oh, look who it is. You guys want to eat? And next thing you know, you're cooking a steak. Oh, my grandma loved to cook long.

They love that shit at two in the morning. That does not happen in my house. If my wife has to cook something two in the morning, you got a sour look on them. Come on, man. Go wipe some water on your face. I love my Auntie Terry. Don't do it like that.

It's a party. It's a fucking party. Get up. What the fuck? There's eight people in your living room. Come on, you gotta get up. Are you waking your wife up to cook? Yeah, I don't know.

What do I fucking know? I can see why she might not be that throw. My wife would fucking have a heart attack. Ten times over. My daughter likes getting up in the middle of the night. Like the other than I went to bed like 11. I got up the next day. We went somewhere.

She was like, did you hear me last night? I go, no, I didn't hear you. She goes, I made some popcorn. I got a recipe offline. What do you mean? you got a recipe. And she's telling me that she fried up butter with marshmallows. Oh, nice.

And then you put the popcorn in there after another. And she goes, it didn't work that. I came out like one big brick. I got a jeet all. So, like, what? Because you just met Joey when he moved back? That's when you met? No, I know Joe when I was really young.

he like, when I was like a baby, he was coming back and forth to North Bergen. Right. And I would see him through that. But then our first like real encounters when we were in California when I went over there for COVID. He came to the office. Right. No, no, no. I'm just trying to like what, what's, when you got to be older, like middle school, what stories did he hear about Joey?

Oh my God. Everyone in North Bergen knows about Joey Cocoa Diaz. He was the craziest guy. People my age, they like, I can't believe that's your uncle. like he used to rob my uncle back to the day. It's just, he's the fucking man. I'm honored

to be here because when I was younger, I used to watch you guys podcast. When you're like, all me and all my friends were like 13, 14, we would hear all the real stories and we were like, people would ask me like, does he really do those things when he was younger? I said, listen, it's a different time now. A different time. That's what people

will never comprehend. It was a different fucking time. The mindset was different, you know, kids, we were different. We grew up with that metropolis right across the way. What did you think was going to happen?

In a time when New York City was free, free, you can do what I am, bro. I think you're going to do what I mean? Money-wise, it was free. No, nothing is free, okay? But it was for the taking. It was, if you wanted to hang out with

Puerto Ritza, you go up to Fort Washington. Right, if you want to hang out with Dominican, you want to shoot heroin? You want to shoot heroin in both legs? And have a Chinese chick lucked your ass? There's a spot of Cody Island. Right into the ferris wheel.

You know? They got everything for you in this town. Yeah. Everything. And when you're at that age and what was going on then, like when we were growing up, listen, I never went there. I'd love to tell people I was there. What was the place we went into the city and fucked? Venus fly trap, remember? You got to have a couple to go in there.

A girl. Come on. Play those retreat Shout out to them You know when I was a kid I heard about Play those retreat Right When you're 12

You're like I can't wait to go there Smack on the fucking fuck people In every room No you're not Dude they just did a show With a female comedian And she told me that they have A place like that

That has like a naked comedy show Oh yeah They want to go But have you have you Have you ever gone to an event That's naked? No There's nobody there

That you want to see naked Right That's the problem Like I went to Jamaica To that naked beach Not a soul I brought binoculars, a telescope, a pussy finder. There ain't nothing you want to see.

Nothing, okay? Miami, the topless beach, they're throwing some heat. Some nice tities. But those chicks can't catch you while looking at them. You just can't sit there with a fucking hard-on waving. Like a pedophile? Yeah, he gets it. So it's a cat 22.

In other words, why go to the naked beach? Right. And you're no fucking tip-top. Magoo, neither am I. I don't want to go to the way. Listen, the only why I would go on the beach about, If I had a cold 12 inches dead Like and it rolled around your leg a little bit

And it had three different colors to it Like a Neapolitan ice cream I just took it I think great over 12 inches dead What is it how big is it alive If it's 12 inches dead You gotta go for 15 cold You know what I'm saying

Early in the morning That's how you go out to a making beach You're gonna show up with your little 6 inch guy And within the aisle When you start feeling comfortable comfortable, Magumba's going to show up with 24 inches. And there you are under the seat with a blanket on again, putting suntan. And your girlfriend's back making sure she's looking the other way.

Don't look that way. He got shot in the dick. I will say this. My funniest encounter with you out in public so far is when we go out to eat every single time. So there's one time we're going out. And you already know what I'm going to do. This Japanese guy comes up to Joey. He goes, hey, are you Joey Diaz?

He looks at him, he goes, are you Mr. Otani? In the Dutch? That wasn't he. Dude, it was almost, the only differences is that guy didn't come up to you. That guy was sitting across the restaurant. As he was leaving, the whole night, you were like asking questions. And then as he was going to be like, nice to see you. And then he was like, oh, he was actually excited to see you.

And then, like, is it nice playing for the dog? And this guy... I asked him, do you play for the Dodger? No, nah, I have a sushi restaurant. He's like, no, I live around here. And he's like, oh, I thought you were Joe Hadoonic. Oh, my God. That was so fucking funny.

Listen, my generation, they love you. Just know that forever. I'm playing something, man. You know, that whole... And I could say this to the... That whole Italian, hoboken, funny mentality was all over the place. You know, we're quick with it. Like this, your grandmother was quick, though.

She was the king of quick. I heard I say a couple things that were fucking so quick. But a lot of people, I grew up in a fucking area where people were naturally funny. You know, George is naturally funny. These people are fucking naturally funny. Forget about the shit with your uncle. I mean He was like the nicest

Kind of the world I'd be grown up I always went over there And he always hungry You know I was just thinking about Fico over here When we used to Friday nights When me and his uncle

During the week I had no money And your uncle would come get me And take me the chance When I have no money And you take me the chance I got a kill for you On a daily basis

And I got a stab motherfucker I'm a soldier You know We go over there and get the steak On a stick the pork fried rice, the roast pork yacame, the slices with the sesame seeds on top, and get beers and a zombie and shit. I'm ready right now.

You have no idea. At the bar with Charlie, God rest of soul or whatever the fuck happened to him. You know, the Chinese bartender. That guy was there 30 years. We bought him a house. Those guys bought him a house in the cocaine days. You know. He's a 20.

Yeah, 20. Those motherfuckers were giving them everything to lock the door. Remember that had a quick route Do you know how many times I was there at Chan's And we ended up going to the city three times For three different eight balls It was only 20 minutes away When you really think about it Friday night

We would do a collection And somebody else would go And come back in the owner of chance He's like, come on He's like, come on We used to destroy all these fucking restaurants Like this, we went to picolicino You know, I still talk about that shit

That was a place up in Fort La where pips were hanging. And we were going in there at fucking 19s. I was like the dish was 20. We had 25. We ran the joint. Dude, it blows my mind when people, because there's a lot of people now

who are around your age or younger who are like, I started listening to you when I was 11. Does that blow your mind at all? People at most of the age are listening to us? I had a guy at the wheat store yesterday. But I usually, when people walk up to the truck, I take off.

Right. I already see you walking. So as you go like this, I'm going. You're like, hey, can I get a picture? Joe Diaz. Fuck you. I got to get out of here. Well, yesterday for some reason, I was talking to somebody on the phone.

He came on. He went, one second. And also, he got off the phone. And this guy, his name was Drew. He was a pleasure. Look, I remember his name. It was a real pleasure because he was the real deal. He had episodes, names, events,

the time you fucking puke, whatever. Real fan. You didn't puke on campus. No, I know. But, you know, he just, and when you talk to those people, and they tell you one thing that connected us,

they're not going to tell you, but they're going to tell you their story. And in that story, it was addiction. He got clean. They started listening to us, and he told me, he goes, I come to the wheat store all the time.

It's not a drug. It's the other shit that was taking us down. Yeah. And that's it. And when you look at it that way, it was, listen, man, I talk to a lot of people in the daytime. And some people just don't come off the right way.

And some people just have that. I'm sitting next to them for an hour at a restaurant. As I go to leave, they open up on me. And they tell me, hey, I didn't want to bother you, but I came to this show at the Stress Factory. I saw you with Rogan at the state theater. I saw you in the city. You know, it does something to you.

You're like, what the fuck is this, you know? Yeah. You think it's not weird that Listen, everybody's got a following Okay, when you've been around for a while People see your movies and they try to connect you But what we had with the podcast was they didn't When you see Adam Sandler

You don't know what Adam Sandler's about He's doing a funny movie Podcasting changed all that And it tapped people If you want to tell somebody You have to be very honest To do this podcast shit Because when you're telling people

You can't come on here and go I sold eight kilos when I made eight. You're a fucking liar. Why would you even try to sell me that story? Tell me about when you failed. Right. And I got tons of those fucking stories. Do you know what I'm saying?

Professional. Tell me when you failed and how you fucking overcame that. That's what we want to hear that. That's what people want to hear. They're in the same fucking debt you are. They're in the same predicament you are. They're all in the same predicament. They did drugs.

their wife, whatever. How easy it is to get hooked on drugs in this country now? Oh, they push the pills down. How easy, bro. Can't get mad at somebody because they're junking it up. It happens just like that.

You hurt your knee. Next thing you know, you're on paint pills. Next to know you're in Newark shooting fucking heroin in your fucking legs. Who knows? I don't know. Yeah? I'm just telling you what I hear. So that's the connection.

Our connection was that we weren't perfectly. You and I were far from perfect. Yeah. I didn't come on here with a hairdo or the glasses on or with an eyes-eyed shirt on trying to, this is it. And this is as good as it going to get because this is how I walk around in the daytime. Yeah. You're real.

This is it. And it's funny because I wouldn't say I felt bad. But when someone who's 25 was telling me that when they were 11, they were watching me do acid, I felt a little bit bad. Like, you know, it's like, oh, my God. I can't believe you were. But then, yeah, that's a better. way of looking at it. But also, Lee, it's not

just you. Like, look, I'm doing this, do it too. They just seen you get fucked up on it like, I guess I'm not going to do ass. Let's hope not. Yeah. You know, listen, when I see a 28-year-old or a 22-year-old, it's great. It shocks me a little bit.

I try to be as nice as I can be. I'm going to tell you who throws me off completely. I'm going to tell you who throws me off that I lose my breath. Really? I already know. Women. Yeah. That is very surprising.

From 25 to 34. That's the age gap with me that I just don't get it. You're too nice. And they fucking go off when they're next to me. Even the boyfriends are like, they go off.

Oh, those are fun. Those women are fun because they'll come over, say, hey man, I love the, and the boyfriend's standing like, what the fuck is this mook? Yeah, listen. Like, I guess you're going to hear her and her girlfriend

to Rogan or something. or something and she listens. But they pull me a side lane. They go, bro, you were my uncle. He's dead. He was a gangster. You're the same fucking person. That's when I go, holy shit.

Because I get that all the time. Oh, dude, it's fun. And it's not bad. Like, when guys come up to you and say cock sucker, I get why. I know why they say it. Women say it. When they say it, I can always tell they're going to be great.

It's going to be that woman who says, she'll scream it from like, right in the bag. They don't care. So much fun. They don't care. Oh, yeah. I was at 618 with my wife.

And there was the hottest blonde in that joint. Yelling, cock sucker. I'm buying your drink. I still got the drink on picture. Did I show it to you? It was the fucking martini with the church of what's happening now? No, I don't think so.

Come on, dog. Holy shit. And she goes, I saw you at the Bayside. And you ran from me. I go, look at you. You're 6'1. You got. So I double D trees.

You look like a fucking model. You got to ask for Dave. The boyfriend didn't say a word. He just sat there like this. And she's like, fuck, yeah. I'm from Staten Islander. You know, what am I going to tell you? They love you, man.

And you know what? At the end of all that cloud and me yelling, don't pull me over. Dog, I know a girl from a restaurant. I talk to this girl all the time. Great kid. She works. The doctor I go to, she works next door.

Okay. And we became. She goes, I saw you there one time. And yeah, I got that doctor. We started talking shit one day. I'd known it for like eight months, nine months. I went somewhere and she goes, Joey, this is my mom. And I introduced her mom.

The mom was cute and shit. And later on, she goes, I go what your mom's thing. She goes, this ain't crazy. This is a regular girl. That's ain't crazy. Yeah, the same crazy. Shout out to crazy. No, this ain't crazy.

This is just a regular girl. And she goes, my mom pulled me aside and said, now I know why you like them. me remind you a dad. Because a dad died 10 years ago. Nick. Nick's friend. It's Nick's buddy.

I'm all friends with them. That side of overage. That's nice. And that type of shit always makes me go, you saw the book signing. Yeah. What is the one in Staten Island? I had a girl that walked in there,

an Italian girl that was a fucking 20. And she had six guerrilla brothers tatted from shoulders to nuts. They stopped eating steroids. They were just eating the syringes. At this point. And the mother was throwing heat. That's awesome.

And they came in, and she came in yelling and screaming, cut in the line. Cut in the line. Shout out the Italians. She's like, here's the deal, motherfucker. That's all. My mom wants to cook for you. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah.

Blah, blah, blah. She just started going off. And then she went and talked to the mother, and the brother came on when he goes, Listen. My father died four years ago. She became a retard. She heard you on some podcast talking about shit.

She went crazy. she goes, this time's I get home. She was in high school listening to you. Oh, shit. Because you remind, I mean, he goes, and to boot, it's real. You do remind us of our father. Holy shit. Are you sure you're not Italian?

We had to look at you. Everyone says that. Dog, they were like, we had to look at you and look you up. Because maybe our father flipped. And you're going to be dog. And you sit there and you want to cry. Yeah. God damn it.

You know, I thought it was because I told the joke about Selena Gomez or something like that. That's true. went viral. And we were just talking about that the other day, Unk, you continue to go viral even with your old clips. We use the karate man, 600 pounds, or even that clip, the Selena Gomez. You didn't try to do that. We didn't have the conversation. You never try. People who try to go viral will never go viral. I'm not trying to go viral. I'm just trying to do a podcast. Never. To hang out on Mondays to get new people for the audience to meet who's in the fucking background. So when did you go to college, Nick? So I went to John Jay, Criminal

justice in New York City. And then where'd you go to high school? North Bergen? No, I went to Paramus Catholic. Shout out the Paladins. How come we got out of North Bergen? You know, it was time to meet some white women. No, it was just, I always wanted to go to a Catholic school and compete for sports. And that was the best opportunity for me. And what was your major out of college? I went to criminal justice. So I was thinking maybe go to law school and become a lawyer. And I was working at a law for him for a little bit and then I wanted to do a follow what my grandpa did so now I'm

entering the world politics so we'll see where goes from here I got coaching my coaching no coaching just making moves making money and support him my uncle whatever he needs for me and I'm here for him so can't wait for you start going on the road and get these shows done I got to get healthy man yeah you know what I get like I got some good dates they threw me some good places right Except one I don't want to go to fucking California I was like I was going to be a mystery I love California

I love California and I love to go back there not to this particular Right no I know But besides that it's all gravy and stuff But it was just nice that You know The only connections I really have to North Bergen now A couple people my age like your uncle

Lisa Gallo Yeah And the rest you know Chickaelli who I got to have on this fucking podcast. I forgot to call him today. Oh, man. The time to swing by.

Mike Chicker really shout out to him. You know, all the kids I grew up with her and fucking, what's that town you got invited to for the Super Bowl? Nyack. No, where'd you get invited? Your sister. Oh, Mawa. Mawa.

You know, everybody I grew up with, is it Mawa stuff like that? They got money. They want to get out of here. Yeah, no. And you can't blame them. I mean, listen, man. drive through North Bergen. Today, I made a left somewhere,

and I'm like, what the fuck? Oh, because it pulled me off Columbia Avenue. It pulled me off the three and took me to Columbia Avenue, which is great for me, because that's my grandma school, and then I got the hotel with an ice man, put the guy under the bed, and then you go under, and you got that crazy hotel.

That's been there since I was a kid. That hotel was there in the sixth grade. Oh, wow. And it was still a Hooker Hotel, and the only thing difference is, They had like an old fucking potato chip. Are you talking about the Supreme 8? On the off of...

Dog, I don't know. There's a Ramada. Where we stayed is now a Ramada. Okay. That's what we had our junior prom. They threw us out because people were smoking coke off their dishes. Right.

They threw them out. You gotta go. You can't be doing coke off the dishes. It's for food. Right there. You make the right there. And there's a hotel. There's McKinley.

Yeah. So if you go all the way, way up, all you're passing is the hotel and my grammar school. If you shoot down, you hit Tunley Avenue. Yeah, no, exactly. You're talking. That right there. That hotel has been there since we used to go there to get potato chips. Not the fucking Seville. The Yorkers with a dice man, ice man,

kill the guy. Then there's the one underneath. Skyview. One of those nasty. Skyview still there. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway. I'm sure they're going to be thrilled to hear this. Like, what the fuck, Mark Berger? You didn't get it. 80 years. That hotel has been...

They've taken kids from McKinley and killed them in there and had sexual relations and shit. No renovations. Why is that hotel still there? Oh my God. Yeah, that's because that could be McKinley Parkin lot.

And, you know, you look at McKinley, it's great. But even my area, they built it up and looked beautiful. Yeah. But it's like you put a suit on somebody who hasn't taken a shower in 30 years. Like, they didn't fucking fit, you know what I'm saying?

Like, when I go down by when my mother grew up, I get upset, man. Mm-hmm. Because it still looks like 1975. Nothing has changed. Now, they didn't look to the future. They didn't know what was going to happen was going to happen. Because right now, North Bergen could have been the new fucking alpine. Yeah.

North Bergen has a lot of potential. A lot of potential. You should have all that 88 area, knock it down. Like the fire in L.A., that whole hill area? That's mansions looking out into the fucking horizon now. That's it. These people can't afford it anyway. Exactly.

The taxes aren't going to... You got a bunch of people moving in from New York. It's amazing how much my town has changed, but at the same time it stayed the same. But there's nobody on the streets. Yeah. The kids are fucking... iPad babies.

They don't go outside. It's a shame now. I'm glad that my generation was the last one to, you know, go to the basketball court and scrape your knee. I got a few scars, you know? Now, look at these kids. The other thing was, that was the bottom by Tunley Avenue today. by Pathmark,

wherever the fuck that is. And I looked up that hill, and I was like, if that hill was there when I was a kid, I'd think I'd be staying home too. That is fucking murder. Heavy Hill.

North Bergen with the hills. That particular one is a mile straight, and you ain't done yet, bitch. It's a mile straight at a pace. Forget that fucking, you know the thing you walk out? Yeah. You ain't going to be doing that shit.

that hell. Have you seen anyone slide down it? Dog, just focus on going up it. You know what I'm saying? What the fuck is wrong with you? Sliding down would be I would just sit at the bottom of the watch. If you want to slide down, I'll take the hill behind the police station. I'm not planning on sliding down. We'll wrap you up in aluminum foil. Okay. And when I get like a foot of snow, would just roll you.

And just mark what point you're going to die at. Not from hitting, but from the heart attack. Because that hill is like, like this. I don't want to have this happen. And the one down one is like this too. It's two. 46 and the police station hill. Oh.

And even that street. You got to go around. No. You pass by egg disease. And they go down. No. Doug. Those hills.

You're dying. They call Dead Man Hill. Dead Man Hills. Dead man hill. Who? Call us his house. The body. Yeah.

We were kids on 46. Two people died on that. No. There's cemeteries there. Oh, yeah. So 30 years ago, you know, 40 years ago, 50 years ago, they didn't know what, the cemeteries are on the hill.

It would rain, and it would wash the graves out. Shut up. At one time, a casket flew out of that. Oh, no. And came flooding down 46th and hit the bottom, where Carlos Cantero with. It's fucking insane, those hills, dog. What a desire?

I still remember being a kid. There was a softball field behind that. Okay? There was a baseball field or something. Right. A 46th street field. Yeah. Baseball field still there.

Okay, there was a field there. And one night, I was about 12. and I went over to Anthony Balzano's house because you want to talk about times changing let's lay it on the fucking line right now and we're talking about we're playing basketball it's about 830

and also you know Anthony I'm going on man I see him on and also Anthony comes to the gate and he goes Coco before you go home my father wants to see you perfect I go over there with the Giddy salute you're hungry

you're hungry We make sandwiches. We got meat, you know, all the Chicken bowl. He always very, he was always very. He was always very.

You want a T-shirt? So he's like, can you tell you, Mom, you want to sleep over? I got work for you tomorrow. And I go, yeah. He goes, what kind of work? It was construction work. You've been working with Frankie and Peter

and Jimmy and Anthony and Dominic and a bunch of kids from the block. He gave us all work for a day. Oh, wow. Okay. He goes, I want you here at six. so why don't you guys just stay in the fucking house so we all went and got our shit

and he set up we listened to Kiss records all night you know you had fun faggotry yeah young kids someday I'm gonna fuck a chick like that yeah I can't wait he even got hair on their dick yeah got the same condom in your pocket so we got up at six we gave us a great breakfast

it was summertime so it wasn't even cold out we all went up there tons of water tons of sodas tons of sandwiches then he had a meeting he goes here's the deal you're going to break everything down but if you see a cop car or a city car you got a duck and ever since that time

I knew I wanted to be a gangster it was fucking hysterical living down there and that's how I met in your family because it was the macos against somebody else and at that time you rented out a truck and you sat behind the truck

and played bongos So they had a spick on there. So it was like Team A. And I was growing up at Carmines pretty much. So I was political. And in those days, you didn't go, well, I don't like the facts. This is how you're voting whether you like it and that. But I like that.

Like two or three of the guys went to knock on my door and they talked to my mother and they talked to me. And I remember like that was just nice. And I was going to vote for them anyway. They didn't have to go to the whole room. but they knew my mother was involved with numbers so it had to be a little piece of the action you know, yeah, but I understood all these things growing up

but that was what, and I remember we tore that place apart, but every time a cop would go, we'd have to fucking, we'd have to hide like Rambo and two. You know what I'm saying, behind the mud and shit. It was just so, and that's how we grew up. And then in the summers, like he just went over there, the last day of school,

like in the sixth grade, and you're like, well, what are you going to do, oh, summer, Coco? And he'd just ask you. I don't know, Mr. Balzano, what do you think? Hmm. How about a job?

How about making a little scuttle? Yeah, make a little money. You don't have to go. You don't have to go. Just go down to 6th Street. A little no show. Go on there and I have a check for your town hall every Friday. And that was it.

My whole job was walking the town hall, getting a check, and walking home. And my mom was like, where are you getting these $48? It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It kind of matters. What is like? Are you like 12 years old? Then I got older.

And I think freshmen, going into the sophomore year, I went to him again. Every summer I go there, what do you got from me? I got a job out here. One day a week, you go out there and watch him sweep the roof. That was what he would say to me. Just go out there and watch him sweep the roof, 12 an hour. I'm fucking 12. It was 450 for fucking whatever.

Whatever that fucking thing is, the age gap. But they give you your Cuban. They give you a 15. an hour now. There's something of all my uncle guys. It was hysterical. So that summer,

he got me a job at Horace Mann as a fucking janitor. Shout out to Horace Mann. You know how many times I went there? Two. Maybe four to pick up a check. Then they said, we'll just leave it at a time haul. That's better for me.

I don't take a bus all the way up here and waste my time. Laced a time. But I still remember walking in there being in shade, and there's a bunch of old guys with all that limps. my back. And they were bumping out the floor and moving the chairs.

And I'm like, what's going on, guys? And they were just looking at me. Ah, it's him. He ain't going to help us. This young, you guys need help? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll be right back. Let me go put my soda away.

Get the fuck out of it. Peeo! I'd run right down. That was, you know, and you hate to say these things. Listen, we were fucking kids. Who knew if he was paying me out of his pocket just to be cool? You know, but it was just

that's the mentality we grew up with. We were always robbers. something and you never got in trouble for it. When you don't get in trouble for robbing, you keep robbing. And you were the king of that. Especially when you got an eye for shit. People like when you rob.

This kid's got a nice eye. He's bringing good money. Yeah, he's a nerve. I'm not coming to the house with a stereo with wires on. I'm coming with a box designed. Newest TV. You know, a presentation.

I have presentations. I think the biggest fucking joke of my career. I'll tell people all the time in this. Deep, deep, deep, Listen, you have those moments in your life. You have to think about what the moments are

and that define you. There's like two, maybe three of them. It wasn't to kidnap it. But one of the things that put me on the map and it made people go, I don't know about Coke. Was when I robbed Michael's Jewish. In 1981, I was fucking 82.

I was 19 years old. You know, I lost a bet. I had to pay the bet I had to pay the bet he was a coach you know he was one of my coaches I loved him to debt I had to pay the bet

I couldn't stiff him it was too grand oh I couldn't stiff him and that was my only option that's what people never knew that that was my only option I couldn't stiff this guy

I could stiff anybody else if it was anybody else I would have told him to go fuck themselves in a heartbeat like I had done before but I couldn't do it to him And I called them like a man I go listen man I'm trying to get your money

You're going to have it on Thursday But if I get into beef I need to know that you're going to help me a little bit And he goes, what are you talking to? I go If you get a call from somebody Which they will call you I need to know

That I have your support on this Because I'm going all out to get you this money So you don't look bad Going all out Now he didn't have no idea what I was talking about No. No.

And I robbed that Jewish store 11 in the morning that Thursday. And by 3 o'clock, I called him up and I go, let's meet. And I gave him his money and I gave him a gold chain. And I said, this is my souvenir to you, you dumb fuck. I robbed Michael's Jews. Even he looked at me like, no, you didn't. I go to lunch with that guy once a week. No, he does it.

Like, it was fucking absurd. Oh, my God. You know, we robbed that 11 in the morning. I'll never forget this. We robbed it 11 in the morning. We were back in the house by 11. Breaking up jewelry. Nobody knew you.

Breaking up jewelry. Yeah, like there was cops. You could hear the sirens. And it was us three just taking the jewelry out and straighten it up. Then we picked our own shit. And we were fucking, I hate to say the word. I'll say it for the Spanish people. We were spicks.

And I was the only Spanish guy there. It was three white dudes. All of us were white. But I was the only spick and all of us from that moment. We put on the thickest bracelet. Oh, my God. And we had the three thickest, longest golden chains. And I'll never forget, walking down, what's the top of your grandma's block?

Grand Avenue. Walking on Grand Avenue? It's three in the afternoon. We just robbed this place. And we're walking on Grand Avenue. With the jewelry on. With a bag of jewelry, like to sell on the street like Puerto Ricans. And I'll never forget, two dear friends of mine were driving.

And as they pulled down. up, they even uttered the words. Like, look at these motherfuckers that pulled it off. Because usually when people tell you shit, they don't do it. What happened? We're down there. The cops. I'd rob that place two times already. I knew

all the insult doors and out. For me to rob it a third time to the ball, but I was desperate. That's dangerous. And I'd been setting that up. It was one of those things that you look at and go, you know what? I'm not going to do it today. Right. But eventually, I'm coming back to the end of getting mine. I checked it out. I wasn't connected.

It wasn't plugged in. There was no lock on it. There was nothing. But I know for a fact, in my heart, I will tell you this today, that when I did that that day, like by 3 o'clock, we already were walking down Grand Avenue. By 5, everybody was paid. I had already cut a deal for a pound of tie stick,

which I'll get to you later. And we had already bought like an ounce of blow by 8 o'clock. And we still had two bags of jewelry. left. And that was Thursday. And I'm walking down the hill. I got five in the morning with the jewelry coaked up out of my mind, and I bump into God rest of the soul, Kurt DiLorenzo.

And I go, Kurt. And now I trust the Kurt like I trust you guys. I can give Kurt this and it'll be there with the water at that level. I go, I don't want to bring this home in case the cops raided me tonight. Smart. Put this in your grandmother's apartment downstairs. I went home, I

Took a nap. Dog. Now, Kurt was built like a Greek god. I get up, I eat my breakfast. I call Kurt. I go, I'm on my way over. He goes, good, good, good, good. There's some people over here that want to see.

I'm like, fucking Kurt. I'm probably going to walk into the cops. Bro, I walk in. Kurt has got a, you know those dealer tables? You know the fucking mink? It was black. He got on his mother's table. He had all the jewelry put out.

He had no shirt. And he had like 10 gold chains on it. And he had a pocket full of cash. And I'm like, Kurt. And a bunch of people were there. He was having like a yard sale. And he was asking people for more money than I would. Because each chain had a label on it.

Like if it said 1800, I'd say, give me 800. Kurt was like, give me a thousand. So I get there, he just hands me a bunch of money. And I gave him a chain and his mother. And even Chris, the brother tells me today, she died with that chain. She loved that fucking chain. I gave everybody a fucking change. I was like Johnny Cheney.

It was, you know, just to think of what the fuck we were doing at that age, just to put in perspective. Like, we had just graduated. I didn't graduate. The dudes I ran with, I just graduated in June. None of us had jobs. We were just getting off the fat of land the whole summer. We were walking into places that had 30 air conditions.

We had 30 air conditions at one time. At 200 apiece. Those went like this. I took them up to Nets. pizza and put them in front. Nick was out there. Come here. Come here. Come here. A little cigarette. Do 50. Cigarette. Oh yeah, everybody made an angle.

But the gold chain thing was just like after that it just spread like fucking wildfire. We were like kings for three weeks. We were eating fucking, you should have seen us eating breakfast, eggs and steak every morning. Like gangsters going down seaside. We're fucking getting a big room upstairs. You know.

Yeah, no more 18 rooms. and a guy and then we were having like it was we robbed it September 18th of 1982 we had like

we had like that yeah because it was that Monday was Pittsburgh fucking Dallas we lost on Monday night football that's tough

to the coach we had nobody else to put the bed in win we're like it's a lock let's do it call the camel call the camel

and we put the fucking bed in oh God bless that man Oh, my God. And I had to pay him his money. That's what a lot of people never fucking knew about me. Now, the camel had a partner. Another gym teacher.

And I, one day was at the camel, and the camel called the main house. That's in those days you had to call them and go, they would ask you before you signed up with them, what type of car do you have? And he would have to, you'd have to say the black Tesla. That was your coach. Who's this?

black Tesla. One day he called and he said a different car name and I didn't know. I just took the name to go in my memory bank and I was calling that place every night banging and one night I get a call from the camel and he goes, hey man

somebody banged up like an $8,000 fucking bill on a different gym teacher. Do you know who that is? Not even a soul. I would come back, I would leave for 10 years, come back and they'd bring it up to me, Doug. He's really hurt. He's hurt.

Terrible Fitt. Isn't you the best Lee? Of course But you were saying That was like one of like the Like stealing was like like a changing moment in your life

That situationally From what was going on And I was living My mother had died Two years earlier I was out there Fucking running wild And this was just

And let me know I was alive at that time I was dead for two years. I was dead for two years. and as stupid as the story is it let me know I was alive. Because that's another, because what I was thinking was, like, you had a buddy

who you gambled with and he lost, and like he'd spent like a summer working three jobs or whatever. And like, I was going to ask if you ever thought about doing that. But I'm not saying you're proud of what you did, but it sounds like it was kind of good for you. Is that what you're saying?

At that age, I had nothing holding me down. It's not like I had a mom. her dad, I'd report anywhere. I was basically a nomad living in my friend's basement. Right. Okay. And they were either going to beat me up or whatever. I couldn't do it to him.

Because he had to go to his people now and go, this guy don't have the money, and I got to put him on the payment plan, which is worse, because they juicially for 10 points. You need those points. Seven points, and that's even worse. So it was just a bad, this is 80.

Fucknut Got in trouble a year later And he lost $160,000 God rest his soul He wasn't my brother that kid And he was a great kid He lost bro He was up

A ton of loot Going into the redskins against the dolphins And he went the wrong way And sat on people's action And it was not a good morning That next morning It was not a good couple weeks And then he had to tell his parents

but I already had a leave I had already an out I was robbing a bookmaker in West New York I was gonna pay a few people and then get the fuck out of here I already had an out I was leaving with the kid named Jimmy Burkle and Jimmy couldn't wait for me

because I kept saying Jimmy if I get this bookie it's a big difference from me going out there with 500 to 50,000 I can't keep waiting for you Jimmy left on a Thursday I'm like I'm dead I went to the

there used to be a traffic agency next to a recruiting station on Bergen line and I went to the fucking travel agency had a choice I could join the recruitment station or I could go to Colorado so I went next door and I got a one way to Colorado to take me out there

right and two days later I walk into the bar and there's Jimmy Berkel the transmission broke in Pennsylvania had to get towed back so fucking that's God he had to wait for me I was like when he were leaving Tuesday I'm in that fucking call with you

and then I went and robbed a bookie but I couldn't break in that's when the dog turned on me after I fight up for five days Burger King I wasn't even eating I'm feeding this fucking dog and now I want to go get a German shepherd like all of a sudden I forgave them

you know what I'm like You're a baby savage So this political game You're getting into it Yes sir Rough game Big payoff Definitely big payoff

You know it seems like to me Listen I don't know anything about politics So when I talk to you about politics we're talking about here, Hudson County. And it seems to me, listen, everybody knows every mayor in Hudson County the last 80,000 years has ended up in prison, dead or electrocuted. I mean, it's no, even Menendez. When are you going away, that poor bastard?

Oh, man, you got 11 years. But, you know, it's like, one thing I do have to admit, I grew up here. So George grew up in Bergen County. I grew up in Hudson County. I grew up in Union City. My mom had the bar there. We had a lot of contact there with people. North Bergen, I was in the hub

downtown, I was in the fucking hub right there with the team. You know, I still remember how good Peter Marco was to me as a kid. You know, and I never forget that. Like how never, I didn't know Joe then. I didn't deal with Joe.

I always dealt with Peter. And this is what I remember. I was a basketball player, guys. And there's nothing like going to a basketball place, and the fucking, there's no net. Or the net is broken. Especially if it's made out of metal. The worst.

It gets caught up there, and now you've got to do fucking, you got to jump around to every fucking shot and get the goddamn. I swear to my mother's grave. I would go to 38th Street Park or any other park I was at. But 38th Street, I would go there, and the kids tangled the net at night. I would just fucking cross the street, ring the Balzano Bell.

Make a call. Marianne would go, what's going on? Nothing. Can I use your phone? And I would call fucking Town Hall. I knew the number in the back of my head. Get that and take the camera. Can I get the mayor's office, please?

Yes, who's this? Cocoa Diaz. Hold on. Who do you want to talk to? Peter, six minutes. Coach, what's going on? Mr. Michael, I don't want to bother you. I know it's hot, you got a lot on your plate.

But my fucking net is down over here. Come on, man. Bro, by the time I hung up the phone and went outside, there was a truck, some Puerto Rico do with a ladder, with another guy giving him a wrench. You know, when you were a kid, you don't forget that shit. Of course not. On a hot day.

I also don't forget how. You know, he used to go, do you guys play there all day? Yeah, I'll have something for you by 1 o'clock. And a week later, he always sent the prison sandwich. You know, the baloney with the American cheese, you brought the Sanders. He brought the fucking, you know, the fucking, the peeling eat cheese, this fucking gogoods. An apple, a drink. Came in more like a sugar cookie or something?

Yeah, there was like an orange drink. It wasn't orange juice. It was orange drink. Right. And it was still, you know, but I remember. Then they used to send down those buses. They took it to the Yankee Stadium, bitch. I went to a Yankee.

With no seat bouncing shit. Dump it up in that. Yeah, you know, these little fags today got seat belts and air conditioning. We had that hot tin motherfucker. Nobody ever died like that. There's a case right now in Jersey where a lady left a little retarded girl in the back. Oh, boy. And she died in the bus.

Did you see that she's suing it? She's going to win? I don't know what's going on. I don't mean to bring light on it like that. So I saw fist fights You talk about fist fights An emergency room Right

I saw a fist fight In my grammar school Not once Not twice like three times Reasonly And nobody had fucking trauma Nobody had to see The school council

I can't come to school tomorrow I saw Lewis and Andrews Beat up the principal He just went home You didn't tell your parents I was school today You didn't tell your parents You can talk about nothing

Nothing you haven't You don't see it any Like you've told stories fucking fistfight at your school. You saw parents coming to beat up teachers at your school. Tremendous. North Burger in the late 70s. And this is why I say to people, like,

and I know you heard a ton of this shit from your uncles. Because that generation, like you have three generations of uncles. And let me tell you something. Your Uncle Mike, that was fucking 80, 81. They had their own issues. And then Vinny showed up, and that's the crew of 84, 85,

in one of the states. Animals. Savages. Because they picked up, but we were like, we're going to go our own ways now. They're like, well, we're picking up that torch. Bring out the fucking shovels. We're going right in that fucking.

They were 85. I was, no, yeah, 85. I left in 85, but the winter of 84, those kids won the States. And North Bergen had become powerhouse. No, it wasn't even, the football added to what was going on in the city of North Korea. Oh, yeah.

And the city of North Bergen, like every other city, in Hudson County, was going off. Because this was the main shipment of the drugs. Lincoln cut a hotel, all those hotels you see out there? All those fucking remodas and all that shit. They had the old lady upstairs and two machine guns with the kilo and the family of six downstairs. It was a family vacation. That's when they bring in 10 kilos of coke. You went to the hotel, you met them, they took it.

They went to fucking, there wasn't no American Dream Wall. They just went out there and looked, ooh. And then they got back in there. You know, I mean, that's where all that shit started. That's where all that shit started. All those dirty hotels, you see on Route 3, what do you think they were staying? They're still there. That Howard Johnson, you walk in there, you test positive.

They used to be Howard Johnson's, right, on Route 3, Seac caucus. It's not close to anything. And they have a restaurant in the building. I knew 10 dudes that would set that Coke up there. And then stayed in another hotel with their... their wives and kids and put like a mule there at that hotel until you get up to union city and then expand it and then this whole fucking town was fucking twitching for three fucking days I'm just that blow because like I go to hotels now and they like you need ID you know all

like I can't imagine just getting all these hotel rooms name name and it's just a name and cash name and cash you kept it simple all those hotels on Tunley Avenue those are sex hotels filthy you ever go to one I've been to two or three of myself that's where you take your girlfriend you start scratching when you leave there

everybody's itchy in the car I've never I've never been to one of those you definitely get crabs you know that's not my thing you walk in there you get crabs

those are the dirtiest dirty dirty still there the domino in right down the block from my girlfriend dog they have a tub in there

you know how many times I went from fucking your grandfather's over there I know one night, particularly, I went right from there. Right down the block. And they had that jacuzzi. And you could see little kids in there, like,

what they were going to look like 10 years from that. Oh. That place was fucking disgusting. You walk up in those places, you didn't know what was worse. Like your life. Like, when you open your eyes in one of those hotels, you look over, you're like, all right, I must have fucked her. And then you look at your money, that's gone.

You look to see if that he's coked, that's gone. Everything's upside down in the air. The mirror's broke. The straw got broken in the air. And your fucking page is going off. You're all like $10,000. One of my options. My options.

Let me cut out of the room. And she's waking up. Did my boyfriend call? I don't fucking love your boyfriend called. I was going to say, is this a place you bring a girlfriend or is this a place to bring someone who, like, you don't want it? If you picked them up at corkeys. Right. There was like two girls.

I picked up at corkies. I was homeless. I was homeless. I was homeless. I take them there, get a shower, shower them up. Nobody knows nothing. The next morning, everybody goes home. There's no breakfast.

There's no buffet. It's $30. The towel is dirty. There's blood on it. $30 a day, Lee. Oh, yeah. Oh, you buddy out? Right?

If you get closer down to the Ramada, that's the first time I have a freebase. Was down to those hotels and shit. Fun memories. That's what the guy invented the word, tremendous. By the hour. By the hour.

Do they just come and knock it on your door 55 minutes? Like what do they do? Five minutes late. Get out. You pay. It's always an immigrant guy. They know one guy named Chuck

working behind the window. It's somebody you don't understand and you're in midnight. Because they don't know what they're getting into when they got to hire. You're going to figure up your ass. And also this guy wants it's 1850.

And you're like, you got to be fucking seriously. Is it three hours? minimum? Trust me, I don't even need three hours. At the end of the day you don't even, at the end of the day, I saw that list that Americans

are like the worst. We last like six out minutes. Six minutes. What's it the three hours? I want to talk to you for two and a half hours? About what? About the three channels we're looking at? You know, I'm watching fucking... You don't have to stay in the world. I'm watching the fucking low range. I'm saying.

I want to say one thing. I got a call from my uncle the other, like probably around Christmas he goes, you see that thing on the news? I was like, what are you talking about? He goes, the band that's blind, they're up and down, they're jumping up and down in front of the tree. The band that blind band? Who's the blind band?

Oh my God, it was put a bunch of kids. I think you might have been lying. You were tormenting me. Hold on all days I don't know what I was saying. Dog, I want to a deep tear for like 60 days of mushrooms. I want to deep, every other day I was eating. I would push the envelope more, more, and then I would experiment. I do like seven grams, then two hours later.

Once you do the mushrooms, you're going to eat them straight. If you do more later on, it's not going to work for you. Oh, right. At least it didn't work for me. It was deep. But I'm back now like fucking, you know, tip-top, Magoo, a couple days at the hospital. He's in his prize. And now we've got to go for it.

And that's it. Little by little, you get healthy. I'm happy for you doing me. I'm taking my vitamins. What are you happy about? Not in the hospital. hospital. Oh, thank you. I'm happy. And the only thing I'm not mad about,

but when you're talking about that band, there's only like three or four of them, but when you find a video you like, there's nothing that gives you more joy. Like, I was just thinking about that black dude who put the firecracker in his eyeball. That video that got sent to us on Acid Church with the dude just dancing.

There's been like three or four videos that you really like on YouTube. Cracket. Oh, yeah, that one was fun. Jesus, but that fucking, you would send me that dude with the dynamite in his eye.

Like three in the mornings of times. Nothing ever shocked me like the Duncan one an acid that night. Because I was on fire from the acid. And all of a sudden I get a text message. I'm like, what's this rattling on my phone?

The fuck! And I look, I open it up, and it's this fucking Spanish dude or so we thought. We didn't know. mustache with clothes on and also he started tap dancing and he says taking him off his clothes

and this guy had no dick it was like a vagina and he's dancing and I sent it to everybody in my phone West Coast, East Coast I didn't care where you were. And you don't even text me and Ari that night I go Ari, teach me how to do this. He said teach me. Send it everywhere. Send it

to the Pope, whatever we can send it to me. The next day only one person picked me back and they're like that ain't right though. I'll have to see if I can find it somewhere. It came on my phone about 2.30 in the morning. I had to wake up. My wife, the kids.

It's shocked this and shit. We got to say a prayer. Oh, my God. That one was scary because it wasn't that he, he, like, it was like pixelated. So he was in the back a little bit. He was like, oh, this dude's just dancing. Have a good time. And then he gets closer.

And his dick looked like a, like, you know those balloons that can blow up into animals? But before you blow into it. And it was just like stringy. and just kind of hang in there. It was, and he's just fucking flopping it around. And that, like, I think those videos are the hardest

they hear you laugh. Like those. You know, Nicholas, funny, because I still remember you being young, your brother being two, three years older than you, and you being at your grandma

and your mom with the stroller. And then I bumped into you somewhere else with her. And this time you were walking. You guys are going to a game. Always. So in an athletic event. My mom was over.

always taking me to games everywhere across the country. But I grew up with your mom. You know, it was your Uncle Greg that said, listen to the dirt album. I already liked Allison Chains, but I wasn't sold. And I'll never forget, every time I put that album on, I think of Greg at that bar on top of, on Kenny Boulevard on the top of 90th Street.

Whatever that was there on the corner. Yeah, now it's a diner. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember when that bar was there, the annoying guy. I'm friends with the biggest comedy manager. They had a chick that worked there. They had a woman that worked there that had to be 40 with like fake tits, the whole thing. And her husband was set at the bar.

She was doing tricks in the men's bathroom. Trits. And I remember one that I got fucked up. And I'm like, dog, I'm going to suck my pipe. She's like, listen, come home with us and wait for my husband to fall asleep. We're four around the basement. The base. And I'm like, what are you fucking?

Come home with me and my husband for 50 bucks. Your husband's up there snoring. What the fuck is wrong with people, man. Your life is different. It's crazy how I just grew up in your house. And I'll sit here and tell you shit that I still remember, like, just dying of laughter. The first time I walked in your grandfather's house, just to put this in perspective, it was probably 1977.

Wow. That's the year you won a state championship. Yes. Yes. Because that's how we have. They weren't there. No. I was there with Michael

who listened to Ted Nudja. And Greg was a little boy on the couch sleeping downstairs at like three beds. And Greg was just a tiny four-year-old boy. And he was passed out. And Mike had 15 people in the room

with music turnt on it. And I'd go, Mike, what about this guy? The word, Mike. He woke up the next morning, he didn't know nothing. He was covered in cigarette smoking shit. My grandma was probably fine

Not hysterical When they won the States It was a complete night out Nobody came home They ended up at a diner Or something They would go to a Fuso's dugout Yeah

Those are your Fuso Dougout days Back in the day That's the day there You know so It's really nice to see That you've grown up to be a man Thank you all I appreciate You're following your grand

Fucking father's footsteps Yes sir He's trying to Keep the Aftelie's legacy going And we're going to keep it going as much as we can because it was about at the end, the Ascleese legacy, he was a great, he was a great coach. Thank you.

He was, you know, I don't have to tell you that. You read the accolades and shit. But they weren't politicians, though. They were going to do this for the kids no matter what. That's their job. Yeah. When you gain kids trust and they can't talk to their parents, because that's the kids who, their home lives are shit.

Yeah. And at one point, these coaches, they find out what's going on. And now they got to step in, and they did. My grandpa, my grandma, definitely stepped in. Doug, they stepped in, and I'm talking about at every level here. I had a coach, John Barone. I had him on here.

He's like an uncle to me. My mother died. I mean, these are people that didn't have to do this shit. That's why, you know, when people talk to me about politics, now you want to know why? Because that's a relationship I want. I'm not going to get it. So why you bullshit me? Why are you wasting my fucking time?

Exactly. you don't look me in the eye. You don't shake my fucking hand. You didn't go to my mother's wake. Half those guys went to my mother's wake. They walked in and ran the puck out when they saw people were doing blow and shit, but they showed up.

They showed up. They had a respect. They went to church. They were Italian. They have to show up. So, you know, this is the world I grew up. I say a lot of fucked up shit about this world. But that's the flip side. Guys like his granddad.

Even the guy who, you know, Bousana, I talk about him, Mr. Bender. These guys raised this, bro. There was nothing that... They didn't have to come... You never had to go up to them and go, I'm hungry.

They fucking knew. They took the pressure off. They could see you walk. Hey, go! You're hungry. Come on. Yeah. And that's, you know,

that's what means everything to me. Not eating, but that gesture. Right. And that's what we've lost. Let me get that water before. I'm sorry about you. So what's the ultimate goal, Nick? What is, you know, 20 years from now?

Not 20. 10 years from now I like to be a mayor. Okay. That's my goal. By the time I'm 35, I want to be a mayor in somewhere in the county. Cool. And like what are you? Because I don't even know.

Like how do you get started in politics? I was just happy to be. Watch the wire. Yeah. Councilman, then you go up against Tony Gray. Yeah, but I was just born into it. I could say. So now that I'm old enough to understand it, it's, uh,

I'm just happy to be supporting the sheriff in Hunting County and, uh, we're going to win this election in June. That's all I have to say about that. That's awesome, dude. Thank you. I appreciate that. What do you think, Lee? What do you think? You're going to vote? What are you going to do,

Lee? I, I, I, I, if you want to get me at a residence in, in this area, I'll vote for you. Absolutely. No, Bergen. You already lived here. What are you told me? I've lived your for 20 years. We got an apartment upstairs.

Right here. This is your apartment. Perfect. Nobody knows nothing. We'll finagle the numbers a little bit. You've been here three years. You've been here three years. You're the Irie.

You're the fucking director from Israel. Anyway, before we just go on and on, these edibles were on fire tonight. We got to go. My nephew, Nick, Ask Elise. Thank you. Vote for him. Lee Syatt, the director from Israel. And Uncle Joy, what we got coming up this week, Lee?

We have two great shows. We're in Jersey City on Wednesday and parks on Saturday. Oh shit. We're on the road. Jessamee Paluso's coming in. Uh-oh.

Fucking Diastini's coming in. It's going to be a nice way. Hopefully I'll make these fucking shows. You'll be there, aunt. You'll be there. You'll be there. Because I only got a few steps. I got to get to the microphone

and then pace myself and then attack it. Tranquilo. So that's what I'm doing. Tranquilo. La-a-Chuo. Tranquilo. Uncle Joey loves you.

I want to thank George Lee, Nick and myself for being here. on a beautiful fucking Monday night. Stay black. We love you. Uncle Joey here. I want to talk to you about something.

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