The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - The White Castle Incident

Episode Date: May 20, 2025

Go on a ride with Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt in the new episode of The Church. Joey and Lee talk the Mexican Navy running into the Brooklyn Bridge, why Joey will never eat there again, Joey tells Lee why he proposed over the phone after nine years and much more! Support the show and get your first month of BlueChew free. Press in promo code JOEY at https://www.bluechew.com Get Huel today with this exclusive offer for new customers of 15% off + a FREE gift (Minimum $75 purchase) with code CHURCH at https://huel.com/CHURCH Produced by: Andrew Houston & Joe Russo @andyfromontario @joerussomarketing on Instagram

What's happened, you savages, Uncle Joey here and my main man, Lysayat? It's the Church New Testament coming your way. It's Tuesday, the 20th of May. Do what you got to do. Hey, Uncle Joey here, it's a beautiful thing to be alive. I want to talk to you about Blue Choo. Listen, even if the rest of your life is a disaster, you can at least have some great sex with Blue Choo.

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It's Tuesday to 20th of May, Memorial Day weekend. So you got this and Wednesday. And then everybody becomes soft. They're thinking about potato salad. what color they're going to fucking put the tablecloth, whether it should be red and white or blue and white or whatever the fuck. What's up, dog?

Dude, it's my, it's funny because I know you hate it, but for people who work like normal jobs, weeks like this are, like we dream about them. It's fucking amazing. Even when I worked, even when I was in prison. Okay? What are you talking? I didn't give a fuck about Memorial Day, right?

Well, again, in prison every day's Memorial Day. Yeah, every day. Yeah, every day. Not really. You get scabbed. Black people yelling. It's fucking amazing in that. Well, yeah.

Did you have a job? You had the bakery? Yeah. I had the kitchen. And then, yeah. I got fired from the bakery. Remember, I almost blew up the kitchen. So they said, we got a better job for you.

We got something better. And what happens if, like, you don't want to work? Because that, like, to work all day for, like, a dollar, fuck you. Dog, it's like, like, 25 cents an hour. I was getting like 37 cents an hour. And I was like a high paid dude. I was like making buck 80 on the streets.

37 cents a week times five hours or something like that, 37 cents a day times five. That's a dollar 50 a fucking day. I was getting 10 bucks every two weeks. But I had the fucking bookmaking operation. So that's how to. You have to. You have to.

And then like I don't know if you saw it. And I wasn't getting high in that. Let's get something straight. He did acid. Yeah, but $3 a hit. What I'm trying to say is for a joint and a half, they call it what? Match boxes, they call it, what's the matches with the box that you hit on the side? Yeah, yeah.

What's the name? Stryker? I don't know. A little box, a match box. That's what they call. Yeah. It's 50 bucks for a joint and a half, a fucking regular shit. I don't even know what they were painting there for Coke and heroin.

I know they do each other's cottons and shit. One guy holds on to it and he gives it to the other guy. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. Teamwork. Yeah, HIV for everybody. Everybody gets HIV. Everybody's going to have a saw and a skinny neck in three years.

Fuck. Like, I don't know if you saw, and I wasn't even planning on talking about it, but what happened, I think it was like New Orleans, like 10 people escaped because they just ripped the door off of the hinges. In prison? Yeah. Yeah. People are going to escape? It might have been jail. Like, I don't, I know there's a difference.

But, like, 10 people escaped. They've caught, like, three of them. And, like, the guard said, like, they stayed away because they were afraid for their safety. Like, they ripped the door off the hinges. And then, like, they took, like, the sink in the cell and pulled that away. And I think it's, it's, it's, I was on CNN today. It took them, like, eight hours to realize they were gone.

Goods a fuck about it, mates. How about the Mexican ship? Yeah. To the Brooklyn Bridge. Mexicans jumping off. The one guy playing the guitar. Is he sinking? What the fuck?

Why would you fucking go into the brunt? You know, they killed like six people, right? Yeah. Kill two people, injured, fucking eight,

you know. Listen, listen, Columbus was the last Spanish guy. Knock it off. If you're Spanish, leave it to the fucking white dudes that smuggle weed,

whatever. And why do they have a sailboat? How do you're going to crack into the fucking Brooklyn Bridge? A bunch of people on there, Viva Sepata. Selina Gomez was out there and shit,

what I'm saying? That poor bastard. On a sailboat. Did you see that? It's a fucking nightmare. It's, you know, and I love Mexican people, but what's with the fucking ship? Leave that to the cartel. You know what I'm saying?

They're the ones that snuggle and shit. Unbelievable. The cartel does all that shit. These were amateurs. I got to be honest, the cartel does it better. Yeah, they wouldn't hit a bridge. Not in a sailboat. Those fucking, dude, can you imagine?

Like, imagine if the bridge went down. I don't know how that even happened You go down from that little faggy boat I don't know You gotta hit that with a fucking You gotta hit that with like One of those Navy ships And shit to rattle the core

But it was a Navy But I guess it's a Mexican Navy Mexican Navy Well how many times Have you seen a commercial For the Mexican Navy If they got two hundred people That's a lot

You know what I'm saying? Have you seen like They have videos of the cartel And they like They have better equipment Than the Mexican like On Forces to and fucking, they got everything.

They know what everybody else knows. You don't make that type of money, and you're going to pay, let's pretend they pay, they make, I just give you a number, a realistic number, a billion dollars a year, which is bullshit. Right. They probably pay $250 million in counterintelligence.

Yeah. You know, for that, you've got to buy fucking missiles and cameras and, and fucking, you know, seeing the dark shit. It's the shit the government has. Probably, like, even better. And, like, what do you,

when you say intelligence, what do you think it's like, does that include, like, paying people off at the border? Or, like, what do you mean? All that, even more. That's a complete different envelope. This is an envelope that just goes to, like,

DEA, they buy CIA files. They buy everything. They buy everything. With that type of money, you know, it's no money, no number, he's big enough. Those guys make a lot of fucking money, Lee, truckloads at a fucking time. And what is, what do you ask? What was fucking Escobar making in his heyday that he made the Forbes fucking list?

He was making, I think it was $6 million a day. Probably, yeah. Six million a day. That's $42 million a week. Are you fucking kidding me? What can't you buy? even if he takes the shipment

and go, you know what, I'm just going to get my dick sucked on his trip club. He could just like the fuck. When he froze, he burnt $100,000, a million dollars to keep his family warm. Right.

With matches. Who does that? Who burns $100 million? I got to be, I don't, they'd have to be really cold for me to have to burn $100,000. Oh, but you're Jewish. Would you burn $100,000?

Fuck, for my family. Fuck, you're to keep warm up a million. When you have When you have that amount When you have 42 million What's a million? When you have 42 million And you got another 42 million

Coming in next week What's a million? You would think that But that's how I Shoot the, even if I shoot the operation down After May, I still got Fucking You know

84 million coming to me in two weeks That'll make me laugh for a long time When you, dude I can't I don't know why people don't quit when they have that much money. Because think about it. You want more fucking money. Look at Elon Musk.

Why didn't he quit? He doesn't have cartel money. He passed pretty close to it. All those guys. All those guys on the fucking Forbes list. Those top ten guys, they got dope. They got loot. Yeah.

It's like I was watching that stupid show last night. He robbed a $900,000 chain from some chick. For somebody, a woman. for your husband to buy you pretty much a million dollar chain they gotta have 30 million in the bank let me buy her a million dollar chain that's gonna sit in a fucking draw

is an investment and it got robbed well on this TV show it doesn't matter but who spends $900,000 that's fucking shit money that's I don't even that's so much money that I don't even

I can't even wrap my head around No, and you're not supposed to. So mind your business. You know what I'm saying? What are you worried about $42 million? What do you get me all, heart and bother it? I was only going to go home and start selling Coke again. I'll tell you what happened to me this fucking weekend.

What's that? Parks was great. Last week was great. Sunday, went to Little Joey's eighth or ninth birthday party. And I get that, I go inside. It's like 1 o'clock. Got a couple numbers in me. And right away, they got like a really good Italian sandwiches.

But they had little ones, you know, a little bite-sized one. And I go, you know what? This will hold me over to the dinner at 4 or 5. Say a little piece of sandwich, fucking great bread, great coke. I'm good. I didn't want to sit in the house no more. It was a nice day, so I went outside. And when I'm sitting outside there, they ordered cases of fucking White Castle.

Oh, shit. So I'm sitting at my own business, watching the kids play, talking to some of the parents. And one of the kids goes, Joe, you want a white castle? And I go, you know what? I take a white castle. And I hate one of them like, this. this is pretty fucking good. And then I ate another one,

and you're like, this is pretty good. But I didn't touch the fries, and I only ate two. I usually eat three. A little small slider, thanks. Yeah, I usually eat three, but today I ate two. And it's funny, when you move here, like I did,

you know, I went to White Castle the first time with my wife and daughter. Everybody loved it. You should have seen him on the way home. You thought I fucking introduced them to the fucking, you know, Johnny Van Bue. Then, like, the second time, they were all, like, a little hesitant.

Like, I don't know. If you want to go get him, we'll wait for you. And then when I brought him on, I went up a few hours later, it was like maybe two or three missing. And then one day I asked Mercer. You just want to go to White Castle? She's like, not in a million years, Dad. And I'm like, why?

And she goes, Dad, my stomach got really sick last time for a couple days. And I'm like, ah, she's young. My stomach don't get sick. Let me tell you something. I went home last night. I relaxed. I smoked some dope. I got the week ready.

This morning I got up, took a shower, I ate breakfast. When I was driving around this morning, I'm like, man, my stomach feels funky, right? And then I had to go to the gym. And as I was driving to the boxing gym, I'm like, oh, this is not going to work out. No. But they got a nice bathroom at the boxing gym. It's never dirty. They always clean it.

They keep it clean. So I went. And while I was in the boxing gym, I didn't have to shit. But I bought a container pineapple juice. They have fresh-squeezed pineapple juice. And I got one on the way home, and I drank on the way home 10 minutes from the house. So I'm like, I'm going to fucking die. I'm going to die, right?

I'm going to hit the fucking right turn to go on to Willow. I smelt an odor that I haven't smelt in years, okay? It's like when you have a dead body, you try to move it, and it's got that last part in it, and it fucking lets it go. That's the worst part you'll ever smell. So that is the worst. I think everyone can relate to that. Somebody's dead for like three hours.

You try to move the body, and you'll hear that last, well, you smell that shit. So, dog, I wanted a bathroom. I went to the basement bathroom, and I just unleashed. Pain, fury, anger, everything came out of my asshole. Dog, I had to light two candles. Open up the garage door, open up the door to the garage, and open up the back door, and had to spray for breeze.

I left for like two or three hours. I came back. It was worse. Had to put the fart fan on. I will never touch White Castle. as long as I fucking live again. I don't know where that odor came from, but I don't want to smell it again.

Dude, but sometimes you need it. You don't need to take it. You don't need to take a- No, you don't need to take... If I want that smell, I drive on the parkway and I'll park and sit there for 10 minutes and I'll go, go, God, God, smell it, that fucking rotten ass. But you never feel like you have to take a shit

and you're like, okay, I'll get White Castle now. Not like that. Was that bad? Yeah, the odor was not. No, no. If a doctor would have walked by, they would have called an ambulance. They would have said...

Someone's dead in there? That horse died. Something happened in there. It was not good, guys. And you didn't do that at the gym? Because I know you hate when people take shits at the gym. No, but it's an emergency. Listen,

before I go to the gym bathroom, I'll look outside and see if there's a palm tree or something like that. I have no shame with taking a good shit outside, okay? The only thing with my age, you can't do it close to a school. Because then, you know, I think that's really anyone's age.

I'm a sexual offender that takes shits in front of kids. I don't want to do 30 years. for that shit. You know, so I don't want to do time for that. So I just... You'd rather, and obviously not in front of... This bathroom is clean, though. Very, very clean.

But it didn't, like, seep out into the gym. And there were a lot of people there. Thank God. So I wouldn't mind it. It's when there's 200 people in the gym and you open up the door after you dump your liver. And next, you know, there's three women waiting to go to the bathroom. And you're like, uh, I can't come back here for a week.

I can't come back here for 10 days. can't come back here at this time slot again. Because these women are all going to see me and go, that dude, no, Bueno, that motherfucker. See, I'm surprised you get him. I would think, knowing, if I had to guess, I thought you'd do the exact opposite.

Like, if you saw some women who you thought would do that, you would just, like, leave it for them especially. Listen, bro. In my world, the women could do whatever the fuck she would. You ever have a woman shit in front of you? It doesn't even smell. I don't know what they do. They carry something in their purse. Listen, better this.

Go out with a girl, she'll tell you she has to go to the bathroom after her dinner. That means she's taking a shit. Bring it back to your house and eat her ass. It doesn't smell like a follicle of poop. No. It smells fresh. We can't do that. I take a shit, I take two showers when my asshole still smells.

I know that for a fact because I always check my muffling. I go, Jesus Christ, I soap it, I loop it, I put conditioning in there. I put everything in my asshole. And do you do a couple different like passes on it? or just one pass. Because if I smelled it and it smelled bad, I would do it again. No, but it's clean.

It's clean. It's spotless. Right. I know for a fact, it's spotless. It doesn't matter. It's like they have barnacles that stick on to the side. You got to burn them off with a lighter and a microphone.

You got to find yourself somebody who's willing to fucking do something like that. I'm just going to say, I don't think your wife would do that for you. No, no wife would do that. You got to find, you got to go for outside help. You got to go for you got to find that chick,

the Chinese chick. that pops a pimples on your neck. That fucking crazy bitch. And burn the barnacles off of your asshole? Yeah, but they burn them nice. Chinese people know how to dig it like a mild sparkling. Like a little sparkler on a stick. It's like a laser sparkling.

And all of a sudden you just hit something, hit the floor, and that's it. You're back to home. Happy New Year. Happy New Year, Cucksucker. But Philadelphia was really good. We had two shows last week that were very nice. We had Thursday at the Dojo. and Saturday.

Saturday in Philadelphia. The dojo I was thinking about this is becoming our little ice house. Yeah, it's very similar to like the stage two ice house for sure. Big two ice house. We were looking for it, and we fucking found it, the utopia. Yeah.

Go there, work out. We're doing two Thursdays, the sixth and the twelfth or the sixth and the 27th, something like that. Who the fucking else? I don't know. 27th at the time. No, 28th I'm at the power. 27th, I'm at the back to 26th.

I'm at the dojo. It's a Thursday. Nice warm up, bab boom. So the first and the last Thursday? Yeah. Fuck it. Dude, it's funny. I never thought about it like the Ice House,

but you're 100% right. Because the Ice House always had, like the audiences were always energetic. Game. And they would have... It was a small room. They were powerful.

And once you get comfortable in that fucking type of room, once you get comfortable, your guts will come out. more. Mm-hmm. So that's what's been going on. Your guts come out more because you're comfortable in that room.

You're comfortable in that setting. And that's what you need. A couple workouts in there a week. You're tip-top, my goo. You're not bad. And it's not anything above the dojo. But, like, I had such a good set there on Thursday. And I tried to, like, it was not ad-libbed, but like a different look at what I've

been doing. And I tried to do it at parks. And it went okay. But, like, I think it made me a little bit overconfident. Like that room is so good That it like I got overconfident for other shows Well you're comparing 100 people to 1600 people Right

Okay Remember I told you once when I first got moved here I was trying to get back into comedy And what I didn't like about Doing comedy then was I lost control of the audience And it was 140 seat room I couldn't control him

I could not fucking control him It was like And I've been controlling 140 people all my life. That's the normal number. You know, the company store is 180. So I've been running 180 people, 140 all my life.

For me, that can control them, I was like, I'm done with comedy. Something's not working. And then you go to the dojo and you do a couple workouts in there. You do, you keep showing up. And you start getting that control. I don't know if you know what I'm talking about. It's like, you

have to, what's that shit cowboys do? What the fucking last? You got to lasso them in. They all got to come together at the same time. And it's very tough to do that if you miss the fucking lasso and you only have this side of room on. So once you lasso them in, you know, that's what it feels like. I got them.

Now I could do whatever the fuck I want. I could say what I want. I got them. That's it. I got them. Then you move on to 800 seats and you'll realize, that's why when you go to a theater after a small room, it always feels kind of weird.

Yeah, it felt weird. Okay? So it's the timing. it's the energy Lee the energy up front there has to be everything if I go up front

when I get off stage I'm huffing and puffing and I'm sweating because I did 30 minutes in 15 you're not giving them a breather that's the advantage of having more than 15 minutes

that if I have 30 now these bitches ain't gonna breathe they're not going to breathe right how many minutes you want me to do 15, okay, now you're dead because I'm going to take that 30 minutes and condense them. Do the jokes that I give them the greatest hits of and then do the long ones that I could fit in 15 minutes and just fucking level them. It's all about energy.

The bigger room, you better show up with some fucking energy, put your lungs into it, and it's got to come from your feet. Like when you get off that stage, your hips hurt. They should fucking hurt. Your back should hurt, you know, because you're giving them everything you got. It's like when you throw a right cross, a punch doesn't come from the arm. A punch comes from the foot. When you push off that foot and you throw that right fucking number two punch,

that's where everything is. And even when you throw a jab, you're stepping forward, and you're pushing off this leg and you're landing. So it's always that fucking, so energy up front, energy in a theater is big. Or come out heavy. Always come out heavy. for six minutes, come out heavy. You fight, did you see the Antonio Brown fight?

No. Anybody saw that? A.B. got it mugged? Did you really? Nobody fucking saw that. Antonio Brown got, they tried to rob his jewelry the other night. Oh, it was like a legit, okay. It was fucking, he was going off.

And that's six minutes. Like, he probably couldn't do it for 20, because your heart would blow up. But that six, whatever, he was fighting for two minutes, whatever. They didn't stop. They were throwing punches, people were flying through. the air, a guy fell down, he kicked them in the stomach, there was always action. And that's your, when you get into those bigger rooms where you might lose control,

that's 400 seats and more. Like the club in Arizona has 650 bucks seats. It goes deep. Irvine. Oh, that one too. Irvine, I used to always eat a bag of dicks. Every year, I drove down to pick up a nice check to eat a bag of dicks. And it was three hours of traffic.

Yeah. We would have to leave a four to get there. at 715, eat that fucking Japanese burger like shit blood. I forgot about that burger place. Remember what was the name of that burger? Everybody was talking about? They had the chain, wasabi burger. I'll look it up in the brink.

It's at the tip of my tongue. Yeah, Yoshi Burger was in Burbank, then it closed. And then they finally had it somewhere else like, you know, this, that, and Yoshi burger. I got so fucking sick that night. But Irvine pissed me off because in 23 years of doing Irvine. I never got control. It was always seemed like I was doing jokes and they were coming out of there

and the people on this side weren't laughing or vice versa. You would go down there and do two shows and drive home and go, what the fuck was that? Well, you know, it's the night before Thanksgiving. Right. But that's, I feel like I'm just in the last,

since I moved here, almost by accident doing like, working on my energy or like, because when you said like, legs hurt like I have nights where I think it happens by accident where I have like a lot of energy I always try to have energy but like that's not really my style but I like I noticed when there was one time it backfired but like I'm I don't the fact that you can harness it and like decide to do it I'm nowhere near that yet okay here's the deal number one I think it was

Nick hit me up here then he's like hey do you want to meet and get dinner that don't never happen before show. That'll never happen. I don't want to talk to nobody before a fucking show. That's too much energy. Talking to people, they're going to ask you goofy questions. You know, what made you get into stand-up? All that bullshit.

You show up at the show, you eat a bag of dicks. You just put your energy out. Sadly, I had a bunch. The girls went somewhere. I did a bunch of stuff. I did kettlebells and shit in the garage. I hit the bag. But at 1.30, I was done for the day.

I didn't do shit. And the girls were not home, but I didn't hunt anybody out to hang out. I didn't get on the phone. I didn't do anything. I'm resting. And energy is like anything else, okay? You ever do a hit workout?

Mm-hmm. Where you have to do 20 seconds on and then 40 seconds off? That's stand-up comedy. That's a version of stand-up comedy. Because you're punching, punch and punch and punch, and they're laughing. So you're going to give them a breather, too.

A very light breather. Very light that they think they got it together. Like, and they're wiping their nose, and then you add them again with another fucking array of bullets. You know, but in a theater, and when you come out first, it's the energy.

You can't come out fucking around. You got to come out and get to it like if you're pissed. Like if you're fucking pissed. And then they get it. They're like, okay, but, you know, if you do a club... Hi, my name is Lee. Don't forget put away your phones, and... I lost you.

Put away your phones, and don't forget to go on the website to see who... what the upcoming acts are. Are you guys ready to have a good time? You know, you got to do that shit. But there's a way to do it. Yeah.

Have a great fucking time with it. And then it doesn't even seem like you're really doing it, you know? Yeah. And it's like I've been listening a little bit to some of like my older, older stuff, like when I first started. Like there's definitely a difference. But it's hard. Like I love when you, when we have these talks and like you give me advice and I try to implement it.

I genuinely will try to implement it. But it's almost some of them, I'm like, I just, I don't know if I'm not ready to or I just don't know how to really. Because it's, like, especially from like that, that, because you have such, dude, when you're walking around and like you move, and especially like when you laugh at yourself, like, all that stuff is something that like, myself and I think comics at my level like look at and we want to do. but it's like a whole

it's like a language on top of the jokes It took years also remember you're looking at 35 fucking years on stage 34 fucking years You know the only thing that I came back From those two sets last week were I'm writing a lot more I'm not writing anything fucking funny

but I'm writing And I'm writing twice a day And that's a muscle right there At least your thoughts are always racing for a long time I didn't do shit I just wrote out like three sentences every day

something for my daughter or something like that now I get up in the morning I do some shit I smoke some pot and I fucking write once my wife goes for a walk at 715

I know I got 45 minutes a fucking peace so I go right back in there again and attack it again and then she gets home I do what I got to do I shower I go out and then I'll think about shit

throughout the day that's what I do in the drive turn the fucking music off and think about one fucking thing and beat it in your mind I'd rather be doing it with a piece of paper but I don't have a piece of paper in the car

and I'll have a car with a thousand dent so I fucking should yeah you know you just can't and I don't know what happened to my fucking my video thing in the car I used to be able to go you know suck my dick and tape it

and then go home later on but it disappeared I got to go back and download the fucking app. I love when you say things discipline. It's still there. What do you mean? I don't know. But I don't think anything disappeared from your phone. Nah, it's not there.

I had the voice memo. It just went away. I don't know what I'm doing on this phone. Let's get something straight, okay, guys. And for the people at home, I don't know what I'm doing on these phones. I touch shit, shit disappears. Shit popped back up. I got the essential.

I don't even put Twitter and Facebook on my phone. phone. People think like I got pha- they message me, hey man, we're here. Don't do it on 50. That's, you're an hour away. I don't have any. You know why? I don't even want those on my phone. And like just get like the whole

distraction. Instagram's on my phone but I don't have fucking Twitter and the other fucking thing. It's one less thing to worry about. Have you have that? I have whoop. I have the things I open the most.

I tell you right now. whoop, draft kings, Instagram, Apple Music, Weight Watchers, Lexus once in a while, the Zen planner for Jiu-Jitsu, so you could schedule when you want to go to class

and who's going to be there and shit like that. Beside that, there ain't much. I don't fuck around because I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I got a calculator, I got a camera, I got a picture of a duck. I don't know what that motherfucker does. It's like a duck. I don't know what the fuck he does

with money on him. Steam yard. Okay. I don't know. Oh, yeah, that's how we used to do the old podcast. I got a calendar. I got fucking productivity and finance. I don't know what any of these things are.

Files, Coinbase, Dropbox, meet Georgie. I don't even know it, wallet. Dude, it's one of my favorite. Like one of the... Pellar Prompter, notes. I don't even know how to work notes. It says, I cloud notes,

and I don't even know what the fuck I go to there. And this is not good. This is not good. And people think like, oh, you know, no, I got United. Case where you got to fly out of Newark. I got the important shit. But there's no way you're pulling up the app at the airport either. Like, you still use the paper.

They bother me. They fucking make me open United. But I always give them the phone. I just give it. to him. There you go. She, if you get the Wi-Fi, it ain't working for me. I don't even have to fucking code it.

Dude, it was like, I think the first thing you had me do for you, like, because we met a few times in L.A. and we would hang out outside, and then one afternoon, you needed help on your laptop, uploading a picture to Twitter, and it took me 30 seconds, and you looked at me,

he said, you're an unadulterated genius. Like, it's so, dude, that was one of the funniest. It was just uploading a page on Twitter. Anybody that could do, anything I can't do, in my world is a genius. You have no idea how many mistakes I make. How many fucking people text me numbers

and I'll say, text me the address, and then I'll try to touch it, and send it to somebody else, and I'll send them something completely wrong. Don't be getting directions to like Pennsylvania. What the fuckie? Were you sending me? I don't know, that's what the...

My wife has to... What do it would? Drop a pin? You know, I don't even know how to drop a pin. How's that? Like, if you called me and said drop a pin, I couldn't help you out at all. It looks like you're going to be lost like a motherfucker. I don't know any of that shit.

I don't know how to Photoshop. I don't even know how to, like, put a picture on Instagram and put words under it. Right. Like, people put words under it and their shit. I don't want to do nothing. I went to it one time. Use a template and all that shit.

I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I don't know and I don't want to know. Forget about editing. Right. I've tried to be an editor 80 times. I've downloaded the Apple program

because I heard that if you bought an Apple computer, you go to the Apple store and take classes, that you could sign up. Yeah. But every time I signed up, they didn't want to see me. The fucking class was packed. Three places. Studio City, Culver City.

Fuck, a year in advance. Really? Yeah, so what the fuck? You promised me fucking, you know, how to do this shit for retards. And now you're not even let me in the fucking class. It's like SAG AFRA. Before you join SAG AFRA, AfterA, After, they won't tell you nothing.

For you people are SAG After at home, you got to go on the website and look to see what they offer. Because they'll never tell you this shit. They'll never tell you this. Saga and After fucking put workshops on. And acting classes with like fucking big-time people. But they don't send you an email. You got to dig deep and go, oh, my God. And then you sign up, and it's the same thing.

classes book. You're sitting there. All fucking day waiting for six o'clock so you can hit the link to sign up. You're right there at 559. You got the trigger finger. You took some add or all. Whatever the fuck you took the speed in you. Yeah. You hit that motherfucker within two seconds. It sold out. I never took it after a fucking course. Ever. Ever. Fucking plenty of years I applied for those things. How, like, do you, are you self-conscious about not being good on the computer and stuff? Or do you not give a shit? What am I going to do? I don't trust myself on anything anymore. You know what I'm saying?

I go up to my kitchen, and it's those new stoves. Beep, peep, peep, peep, peep, peep, everything's a peep, beep, beep, beep, beep. I don't know if the stove is on. Listen, the first week I was in New Jersey where nobody knows, we stayed at, uh... Corporate housing. Corporate housing. And the girls would go to bed early. I was freaking the fuck out.

I was living in anxiety. I could not sleep, so at night I would make the Michael Jackson tape. I forgot about that. I'd put like three coffees. I'd put a syringe of a thousand milligrams. I'd put a handful of fucking ABXs. And I'd stare at a thing because the ABXs would melt in there. Right.

Oh my God, I put a little fucking sugar in there to sweeten it up. Yeah, I'm sure that one little bit of sugar helped. So one night I drank one of those. And I was fucked up. And about two in the morning, I go, you know what? I need another one of these to fall asleep at four. I did the first one like an 11th. do you know I got so fucked up

listen it was a metal coffee pot you know those pots you put on the thing and they go boo when it's ready I was so fucked up that thing went boo for like three hours

the metal collapsed there was no water in it it was burning my wife woke up and she's like what's burning I go what's burning I don't know Jesus Christ Joey the thing was black we had to take it out the next day

and put in the garbage before they charged me for like $82 I had to go buy a new one and shit. I melted the thing. You melted a metal teapot. And what? You just were too high and fell asleep? I don't know.

I don't know what the fuck happened. I just kept hearing, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, boop. Whatever the fuck. And in this new kitchen, I don't know how to do nothing in that. I don't know how to work the microwave. Okay, that's a start. But everything else is bullshit. And I'm the type of guy.

I go for the ice machine and break. Like, my wife is in there fucking getting ice cubes, cruellers. I put my thing in, I got to turn this. thing around and put my hand in there and take a big fucking, you know, snowman fucking piece of snow out. Yeah, I don't have no luck.

So my wife always goes, why don't you eat that food up? I'm like, not in a fucking million years. Because that's a new stove. I don't know nothing about that thing. It makes a bunch of tick, tick, tick, tick, and then you turn it off and it still leaks gas. So I'm in the basement smoking a joint. Next thing, I got no head. You know what I'm saying?

I don't need that shit. I'd rather starve to death. I won't cook a fucking thing in my house. One night I tried cooking eggs And the house almost blew up I tried making scrambled eggs In the middle of the night Right

As a cook I'm fucking worthless Guys you gotta understand something I'm very lucky To have You know to work hard To make people laugh Because if I wouldn't

It would have been a fucking long life for me I can't change a flat There's a lot of things I can't fuck I mean You put a gun to my head I could change your flat For $15 an hour, I ain't changing your fucking flat. You could change your own fucking flat.

You know what I'm saying? Like there was things I couldn't do. Like I just couldn't do. When I was younger, yeah, I could paint. Like a roof, you know. I was a sous chef for a few weeks, you know, but I didn't like knives. I don't like working with my fingers. You start talking shit.

Next thing you know, I'm thumby. Fucking, you know, I don't like none of that shit. Oh, it gives me. I don't know how people do that. That was not I could do. I was telling something. My friend retired. He's a cop.

They gave him his military time, they mixed it with the police time, and he retired when he's 39. Good for him. Yeah, good for nothing. Because yesterday, he's telling me that, yeah, yesterday he's like, I think I'm going to get a bus, driver job, and Marlboro, and drive the kids, and lift weights for lunch, and then do the kids, and I go, talk, how long do you think this?

Plus, he was a fucking undercover cop. I go, how long do you think this is going to last? And he just looked at me. He goes, why? He goes, that's not going to last. I go, first of all, we live in the most boring neighborhood in New Jersey. There ain't nobody out in the daytime. Not a soul.

Like, you can't find the fucking soul out in my town. Unless you go to a gym. Right. If you go to the restaurants, it's three, four people. Nobody does anything in the daytime. But when I first moved here and George will be my witness, I used to come up to North Bergen a lot more. And I stopped because I was driving an hour just to drive.

150 on lunch and tolls and shit and I would look for people in North Bergen. Like seriously look, I would go to the parks and shit, like, let's see who's at the park drinking. And, dog, the same thing in my hometown, a town that every three blocks, you could see three people on a corner or two people walking somewhere and pull over and go. Anybody see George A's at a 64th Street field. Boom, you take a bus, you go out to the field, you know, yeah, they're having a party or whatever. that does not, when I leave here at night, I make it a purpose to go down Kennedy Boulevard. I make it a purpose to go down Kennedy Boulevard

and my heart breaks. Because there's a mile that you don't even see a fucking light. Not a fucking light. And what time do I leave you at 9.30? I know there's a curfew in my hometown. For kids, I think so, 10 o'clock. Whoa. But still, it's 9.30.

I would rock till 9.59. I'm out there fucking shooting bow and arrows like ramping. until 1059, 959. There's not a soul out there, and let me put it even better to you. A couple weeks ago I went down Bergen-Line Avenue. If you think I wanted to cry on Kennedy Boulevard, I almost fucking stopped at my mother's barn and just cried. I knew that.

Listen, I don't know a lot of pieces of land in Hudson County, but I knew one thing. I knew 29th Street all the way to 48, where Cubaville opens up, where the Gino's used to be in the corner, and I knew that. I knew that like the back of my hand. First of all, there was a movie theater on 45th in Bergen line.

And after that, we won a lot of things open, but there were things open. Last week I went down, I didn't see a light. There wasn't a business open after you hit 48th Street. Past 29th. There's a head shop that's open till 10 or something on 17th Street. That's it. That whole block. That was New Moon Chinese restaurant.

That was Hernandez Cuban restaurant. that was Pino's Pizzeria all the way down the fucking 23rd Street and Bergen line you had action there ain't nothing there there's nobody on the corners

nobody's if you don't have a day job now in Jersey you die you fucking die I think that's what people like though like don't you think your buddy who was a undercover cop and the army like enjoys a little bit of peace

or no you think like listen let's get something straight I come from central New Jersey, and everybody in this room will tell you. When I was growing up as a kid, we looked at Central New Jersey and said, fuck those rednecks. Because that's exactly what they were. If you weren't from Hutchin County, you were a farmer. It's like that expression, if you're not from Brooklyn, you're a farmer.

Okay. You know, all this shit, Hutchin County was fucking nice. Seacockers was a pig farm. Okay, that was a fucking pig farm. You drive through Seacawks, you still smell a little fucking, you still hear a little, yeah, whatever the fucking noise the pigs make.

Bah, whatever the fuck they make. That's a sheep. And I love central New Jersey where I live. But when I was a kid, let me tell you how this story goes, what's that when they say it's 60%? What's that? When your world goes 60 degrees.

When I was a kid, in 1969, 70, 71, 68, That was my job to go with the fucking Cubans who couldn't speak English and I would get in the car with them in Harlem and go to Marlboro, New Jersey, because it was a farm. The whole town of Marlborough was a farm. It was a fucking farm, and they would buy the Santeria chickens to kill them. And the goats and the monkeys and everything else,

you bought down in South Jersey, so there was no paperwork. You bought them directly from the fucking farm. That's why it's very weird that I ended up back in Marlboro 50 fucking years. And let me put it to this way. I used to go to Englishtown. In 1976, 77, and 78, every other Sunday, me and Frankie Balzano would drive to Englishtown

and buy limousines for the feet. For $7, they were irregular. This is way before, what's the clothing store that you give all the irregular stuff? Ross, T.J.N. Ross, you go in there, they have, like, the stit says, well, I can't say what the stit says, but instead of Nike, it's something else.

You know what I'm saying? Like, fucking Mikey. You know. And who are you selling these irregular shoes to? You'd bring them up north and you fucking sell them for $15. Me and Frankie $7 every Sunday. We'd go down there by all the sizes from 8 to fucking 13

and take our chances. That was a flea market down there. It's still there. What's it called? Englishtown flea market. Right, but you'd buy them there. Where would you sell these shoes? Up here, you fuck.

To who? Are you just walking around and you want some shoes? Kids whose parents won't give them $19. Those sneakers were like $22. If you saved $7, you follow what I'm saying? You didn't get a box. That's it. You didn't get a box.

Who needs a box for $7? Fuck it. They're irregular. Nobody's going to see that the star is a little smaller on this side. It was a hustle, but there was nothing down there. But I'm not, you know, it was a different minute. Like, I remember going to a fucking, And like one of those bold nights, like December 29th, 30th, like that,

I was probably a senior in high school, and a buddy of mine picked me up with like three other kids. And then we picked up like two other savages. And we were going to somewhere like an hour away, his cousin had told him there was a party over that. And I'll never forget, we walked into that party. And we're like, what the fuck is going on here? within 10 minutes

one of us was in the bedroom stealing robbing the house jewelry and then we passed around then they passed around the hat the people because we got there and they're like you guys got to chip in they passed around the hat and I'm not going to tell you who from North Bergen

took the hat took the cash out put in this pocket and threw the hat back at them and said we're out of here it was like 40 bucks and he just took the hat and I'll never forget walking out of them the people were like shambled So you guys are criminals, your animals, your savages, and all this shit. We just got in the car and left.

And I'm like, that was easy. That was fucking easy. Like they were just, you know, it was like a different world. That was, yeah. Dude, I think, honestly, the majority of people now, if you work a 9 to 5, if you're actually at the office, by the time they get home, they Uber eats, they watch tea. Like, I don't think people go out and do anything. Hold on. Let's hold on to that thought.

We got to take a breather. We've got to talk to you about Hewle. I got to take a little peepiece, and I'll be right back. Stay black. Hey, Uncle Joey here. If you're tired of skipping meals and starving throughout your day, just drink Hew. Hewle is a complete meal in a bottle that you can take on the go. One bottle of that black edition, ready to drink, has 35 grams of protein, 27 vitamins, minerals, tons of fiber, low sugar, just go and go.

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our description for terms and conditions skip the stress not the nutrition try heel today for complete nutrition bottle jack We're back, savages. So, Lee, you were saying that people work all day. And then they go home, they Uber eats, and they stream a show. And that, dude, I think, because that's how I got really fat. When I first moved to L.A., I didn't, I worked 10 to 7, and I didn't want to even stop at a restaurant or cook.

So I would pick a fast food. But I think now, yeah, I think a lot of people. Now, you live in New York City. I don't do that, but yeah. The mecca of fucking everything. Uh-huh. what do you see when you go out to do comedy at night? Like, what do you see?

So my problem is, is like, I only got here in September. To me, I do see people out, but I have to be honest, other than like a Times Square or, like, you know, the parks, like where people are supposed to be, it's not jam-packed a lot. And I've talked to people who have been there for a while, and it does seem less. But I think, like, New York or, Honestly, any city I think is different.

That's why I've always loved cities. Because there's always someone outside. Well, let's say, like, what's the latest you stayed out in New York walking around the streets? Like, from a comedy show, you and two comics? Two-something. Stop, and what's on the streets are two-something? Are there bars with 20,000 people in it?

Not usually. No, honestly, I haven't, I got to, it was, the one bar that I saw that was packed. This week was a gay bar, which I thought was great. They're always packed. They're giving out yum yum juice in there. Those fucking gay guys, they don't stream TV. They don't eat that shit from fucking Uber Eats. They eat cocked and carrot juice.

You know what I'm saying? They're out. They're out. And they drink and they snort Coke and they do methadometea-metta-a-do pills. Then they go to the gym and work out like savages. You know, so here's my point. Here's my point, okay? 40 years ago right now, in 1985, I was living with George.

I stayed with George for about six months. And George would tease me. George would say, you're not going to go out. George used to go out four nights a week. The weekends with his friend Sammy, and then during the week with a girl and whatever, he would go to the fucking bicycle club. He would go to all these clubs, you know?

And he would ask me every night, you don't want to go on me? I just didn't like it. There was certain nights, but we did go out. We went to a club one night when I robbed a gas station to celebrate. I took him into the city to a club, and then, but besides that, I like going out, but this is what I like.

Like a month ago, I went out, two months ago, I stayed out until two in the morning. That's fucking rare. But I'm not going to lie to you, I had a fucking good time. I ate some mushrooms. I was in a strip club. All the chicks looked purple to me.

You know, they would work me for a dollar and I would giggle in their face. It was fun, you know, it was fun. You're talking to other people. But for me to get dressed on a Tuesday night or a Wednesday, come up here, picnic up, to go into the city to have dinner, to meet a bunch of people to go to a club, I'd rather fucking stick knives in my eyeballs.

I'd rather stick knives in my eyeballs. Again, I was also the type of kid that if you caught me on a good night, I mean, I still remember lifting weights with lubs at 5.30 and hearing that Prince was going to play with Nucleus and Sheila E for 15 bucks. And we made it by 8 o'clock. That's cool. Into the city. I like all that type of shit.

When I don't have that shit about, let's go see Guns and Roses in June. And then we're going to cargo. What's that shit they call? Outside in front of the stadium. Tailgate. No, that's gone. We don't tailgate.

We get there. We get there fucked up. Okay. We're fucked up. You can tellgate with drugs? No, but it's not. No, you can't. because there's fags out there in college

and white people who will rat you out. You can't put a mirror on top of your hood and smoke coke on it no more. That ship sailed. And that's exactly what we were doing. But to get to the point here, I wasn't an out guy then. I get rear, I get,

every once in a while I got a feather up my ass, and I go, you know what, what am I going to do with him? The girls are sleeping, what the fuck? I might as well, the other night from Philadelphia, I had that kid in the car, whatever, on the way home, talked. I didn't need him talking to me. I liked that. He was there. He's a great kid.

But that talking took away from my thought. I dropped him off and went for a ride. And I went to a bar and I had a fucking martini. You had a fucking martini? By myself. That's how much I needed. When I called my wife at 10 and she's like, I'm going to be going to sleep and Mercy just made cookies. We're going to be in bed. I'm not going to sit there by myself and then trip in the basement. That's what happens. The four walls closed in. Another motherfucker. Yeah.

So I rather, that's what the right home is for me. Uh-huh. That's what the right home is for me to see what happened. How did it happen? Why did I say that joke? That's what it is. It's like a, I don't need a tape recorder. I don't want a tape recorder.

I just, it's in my head already. It's in my head just. You can remember the whole thing? Pieces of it. And then you call me and fill me in. Yeah, I try to, but that, dude, you need a tape recorder. I don't like listening to my voice. No one does.

Never gonna. Dude, the reason why your joke works for me is because that's what my voice sounds like. I hate listening to my voice. Anyway, nobody likes your fucking voice, all right? Thank you. I like your voice, okay? You have a very nice Jewish voice. I appreciate it.

But, all right, then I left George and went to Colorado, and I wasn't going out in Colorado. I was snorting coke. Big difference. Going out and doing blow is a big difference. Yeah, once I started making money selling cars, I was. I would go to a, what's the hamburger place? That there's one in by my house, that they have unlisted French fries.

Red Robin. Red Robin. Red Robin used to have tremendous drinks in Boulder. They used to have a Cocoa loco. I'd buy a gram of Coke, put it in my pocket, go over there, get two cocoa locals, maybe a top shelf margarita, and I'd do two bumps.

Once the Coke started hit me, I stopped the liquor store right there in Boulder, picked up my fucking six-pack, and went home. And that's what I did. I didn't like being out. out in public when you're that high. At that point, I didn't like it. So I never really liked going on. And then I did something

for a guy who, I still remember being at Quarkies and going, I can't wait until I moved to Colorado. I'm never going to a fucking bar again. And I didn't. And I never did. But guess what happened in 1991? I decided to get on stage. And I'm like, no matter how you cut it, now you've got to be out at night. You're in a bar every night.

And I fucking hate it. I fuck. I I fucking hate it. But then, once I got into comedy, I started to enjoy it. And the first five years, you're in a fucking bar anyway. Oh, constantly. Okay, so from 1991,

let's clean this up. From October of 93 to June of 2004, I got on stage almost every night. Almost every night. The first time I took a break, was when I started shooting along the show because they had no comedy

in Santa Fe, New Mexico. I went to a couple strip clubs and talked to them about it. And they're like, nah, nothing happens in there. I'm surprised you to somehow try to convince the other comics on the movie to do a show for the... Well, Tracy Morgan wasn't there for longer than like four days. Right. And you got to go to Albuquerque.

Right. And Albuquerque is a quick... If you want to get stabbed, go to Albuquerque. Go to fucking Albuquerque. Something always bad happens in Albuquerque when I'm there. So I'd rather not be there. But that was my life. Yeah.

I remember going, oh, tonight. Like, I still remember getting an audition for NYPD Blue. And going, I'm going to stay in tonight because I'd never seen NYPD Blue. 1997, I was doing stage, comedy, every now. Got to remember, I did not have a TV after I needed Coke money, and I sold my Triniton for like 100 bucks. I didn't have a TV after February. From February of 94,

to June of 95. I did not have a TV. There was no reason for me to be home. I did that on purpose. I didn't want to be home. You're not going to get funny at the house. Right. Come home at two, snort Coke, do whatever you want.

But that's how I prepared myself for those times. I was broke anyway. I couldn't afford cable and the whole fucking box. I had to steal it. Forget it. I just not have a fucking TV. And I did that. And I fucking, like, you know, when you're out doing comedy,

you're doing blow. you're having a good fucking time. And then I stopped doing blow. And that was it. Like my life changed because I didn't want to be freaky no more. I didn't want to be out of my mind anymore. And I knew that by going home, I wouldn't get in trouble because you can't get in trouble at the house

unless you stab your wife. Nothing bad is going to happen to you at the house, you know? And now, at my age, this is all I want. I want somebody to pick me up at five after seven. with a joint and an idea. All right, maybe two joints. We go somewhere, we get out of the car, we smoke one joint, we get back in the car,

we go for a ride, we smoke another joint, and then we take a ride to get something to eat like a milkshake. If you bring me back home by 9 o'clock, I'll never bother you again. My wife won't even hear about it. Just that hour and a half, two hours,

is all I need. I don't need to go to Studio 54. I need to go to the city to talk to people, people. I don't need to go to a comedy club to talk to people. Seriously. And that's how I've always been. Yeah. The greatest times I've ever had in this area was when Lubbs would pick me up. At a quarter of eight, we go over the bridge, buy a bag of weed, roll it, smoking on the way down

the west side highway, pull over on 12th Avenue, get a pretzel and a hot dog, and come back to Lincoln Tunnel, and then come up fucking through Hudson County Park, back to the fucking Kennedy Boulevard. That was the best times of my life. I could do that. I could do that, five nights a fucking weekend. Stop somewhere different to get something to eat. A slice of pizza and I'll put it in my food budget. I'll eat earlier.

I'll eat like a five. It's because I know I'm going out of 10 after 7 to get something. Right. A Sicilian, maybe we'll stop and get a fucking bar pie, you know? Oh, dude, that's, I couldn't relate to anything more than you just said. My wife just told me a couple weeks ago. She goes, why don't you get an apartment up there for the summer? So you can see your friends, you're close to the George.

And I told her. I said, here's the deal, Terry. Like I'm telling you guys and I'm telling people at home, this is all changed. Nightlife has changed in my area. This is not, you started at Barones, then you went and had a drink at the Midtown, then you went over here and talked to this guy.

That's all, that's non-existent in this world. If I come up here, it's basically to go to Rudy's at 9. Get a cup of soup, smoke a joint with George, and then I go to his house. or we come here or I go to Knicks house. And we smoke weed, you put a movie on, catch the last half of a basketball game, baseball game. And then I go home at 10 o'clock.

I'm not going to move up here to jump up and down. It's not going to be the same thing. If I get in my car right now and go looking for somebody, I could paste a $300 bill on my fucking forehead and drive up and down Kennedy looking for one joint. I'll give you $300. You'll never find it. There's not a kid hanging out.

There's not a parent hanging out. there's nobody grilling in the front there nothing and like but here's the thing and the life has changed lea right but i don't fucking think young kids 22 23 i don't see it but i do i do see them go home get their little blankie get their fucking computer game out stream one of those fag shows on netflix and order some fucking indian food from some store with their girlfriends that both wearing sandals, you know. I could see that.

You know, I could see that this youth is going for that. That's not what I'd be doing. Right. That's not what I'd be fucking doing. It does blow my, because there are people who do that in New York, and I don't get that at all. Right now, I'm the type of guy that George says to me, Doug, let's get in the car.

Let's go to a, there's a little fucking Chinese restaurant on Park Avenue. Right, in North Bergen, it looks like they bombed it. Every time you go to that, it's all steamed up. You can't see the Chinese people inside. But they make a nice pork fried rice. If you want to get a container pork fried rice

and sit on the street and eat it with a schnapple with a napkin, I'm in. I'm one of those guys. I don't need to sit in there at night. But then some night we're going to get really high, and Nick's going to go, let's go down the river, whatever, and get a steak with river palm and get a steak with mashed potatoes

with a saddle like a motherfucker and dessert. And don't worry about nothing. Just come to the 34th floor. You can sleep on the floor. Yeah, but like I got it, that all sounds great But you're also a comic

Like, like, like You wouldn't be moving up here to like have like a night life Like your night would If you if you were gonna do that. No, no, no, no. I said night life, but that's not a night life. That's a fucking Joey Dia's life. Right.

That's not a night life. Oh, you're saying just for any normal person. Listen, here's how fucking lazy. If I moved up here, how many nights you think I'm actually going to go to ferry and go over there to do comedy that's not going to happen either three maybe maybe because i really every other night but i'll tell you what it's a lot different doing this shit in the spring and summer yeah than there's in the winter oh dude it's great right now you know at seven

o'clock when you walk when that uber drops you off in there it's fucking beautiful at seven o'clock and you walk out to that fucking thing and there's a couple everybody's coming back and you're going over, you know? Right. So you go over there, you get on, you get an Uber, go to Gotham, wherever. Like, when I was here for the soprano movie, I fucking love it. I come over, go to fucking Rudy's.

What's this other place? Toppers. We went a couple places at night, and I would still be over the bridge by fucking nine. I'd be ashamed. All of us would eat, and we look at each other, you're tired, oh, you're tired. Fuck. Yeah.

I remember going over to the street, and I remember going over to a hotel like at nine and just going up to the roof to smoke every hour on the hour and I'm up at like one and I'm like I'm fucking starving and I'm like what the fuck am I going to eat and I went downstairs and ladies like you go over you want this is open this is open but if you want go to whoahop and I remember going I can't go to war hop by myself it was one 30 in the morning and then finally I get two I'm like this is getting serious now I'm getting hungry I called down there like a 3.30 and it was still open. We opened until 5.

I'm like, oh, my God. Oh, this is going to get an ugly up in this bitch. Oh, that's... I missed that. That's great. Because I don't know what... But see, again, guys, I don't stay up in late anymore. But when you stay up, you roll a little number, maybe you scroll the TV,

and Rambo 2 is coming on HBO, and you're like, fuck it. I'm going to go smoke a couple numbers, go upstairs, get some chips of horse, or whatever the fuck you. You know, you don't know. You can't, like, I don't plan for that because it doesn't. Sundays, it's been happening. You stay up late? No, I go to bed.

I go to bed late, and then I get up like a five, and I watch the worst show on fucking a thing, but it's my favorite show. It's the worst. This season four has just depressed me more than anything in the world. Malcolm X is making dream comebacks and shit. I don't need to. Godfather of Harlem?

Oh, boy. It's not good? Yeah, the producers moved on. They got like 18 different shows. The chin is gone. Vincent Gigante went to some, you know, a different show. He's doing something for Marvel or one of those motherfuckers. And the show is brutal.

It is brutal. My wife goes, how come you don't let me watch me? I don't want you to watch it. I don't want you to laugh at me. It's fucking God-awful. The fucking Tupac's mother is in it now. and she became a Black Panther and fucking... So why don't you give up?

Just tell you... You can just be done with the show? I'll give up at the end of the season. I don't think Bumpy's going to make it. I think Frank Lucas is going to kill him. Okay. Because Frank Lucas is coming on the scene with Joe Colombo and fucking Bumpy's getting old.

He just had a heart attack. So shit's happening in Harlem right now. So that's what you do on Sundays now is you wake up early? I'll wake up early just to watch it alone. I'll get high and I'll go back to bed Is it because you're embarrassed by it? Yeah, I can't have my wife walking in on me watching that show, she'll lose,

she'll go, Joey, what the fuck is going on there? I don't think I'm doing it to jerk off. And they took like another million dollars from production. So the production looks like, like it's a high school thing. Like the other day he was in the hospital, dog, it was not a hospital.

It was not a hospital No fucking way It's just not I don't like when they do that to shows Remember that Clint Eastwood movie where they It was like the sniper one I already made fun of it for years But they had like a baby in the movie

But Clint Eastwood just had them have like a toy baby And it was in the movie It was obviously not a real baby Like that's crazy when they were You'd be surprised what isn't real Like animals The animals aren't real No

What are they? Petrified animals and the camera moves and the editing, they put like a real fucking animal, then they pull them away, and they put like a fake, and then you shoot the fucking thing, it explodes.

Oh, yeah, the one's exploding, I figured, whatever you could do with a camera is brilliant. What they can do with a camera, they can make you believe anything. Yeah. So it's pretty... If it's that bad.

Like today, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And that godfather of Harlem, oh, my God, he crashes into somebody. It's a guy with a beard that crashes in, and then fucking Pino comes, out and he's got like an Italian guy. I'm like, there was a terrorist just driving that

fucking car. I thought it was jihad in Brooklyn and now the guy's got to be it like they couldn't even a lot of movies, I look for that stupid shit. Yeah. Like when people fall off a cliff or something, how they tuck their head or they'll put like a wig on and

you see the wig fly off, shit like that. What was the De Niro one where like you could see like the like the, it was a casino where they blew up the car at the end? But they had like a dummy in the car that like it was like a frame. They just cut, like the editing was just a little weird. And sometimes they do, the editor goes, let's leave it in.

To fuck with people. It's like if you watch the first Brad Pitt and George Clooney when they robbed people. Ocean's 11. Watch the first one. There's a scene with, they do that to fuck with people. Brad Pitt is eating a shrimp cocktail. Okay. He's eating it off a dish, dipping it in the thing.

The next scene, he's got the shrimp cocktail The way a shrimp cocktail is supposed to come. That's a huge fucking motion picture. That's a huge, George Clooney and Brad Pitt and eight other fucking animals. You got eight eyes looking at that. Not one person. That's how fucking monotonous something could get.

Like if you keep looking at something over and over, it just gets that monotonous. When I see it, I'm like, oh, there's a couple sopranos where you see the boom. Really? A couple sopranos where you see the boom. the fucking boom. You know, and dog, it's a busy day. It's 13 hours. You've been there since six. This guy didn't show up. This woman's pussy hurts. Everybody's complaining. They can't find

the missing shoe. And all of a sudden, you just want to get out of that. And you shoot through it. And whatever the eye is used to, it's like when you go home. You ever go home and look at the mirror when you get ready? We all get ready. You know, it's not like you're looking in the mirror. Look at my fucking hair. No, I got three hairs left. You know, but I don't give a fuck who you are. Look at your home mirror and then go to Vegas and take a shower and go in the mirror where your clothes on. You're going to go, what the fuck happened?

I aged, I got fatter, I got skinnier, my feet look big because your mirror, you see what you want to see. On that Vegas mirror, that motherfucker don't lie. That's the real deal. Who's the chick who looks at the mirror, mirror, mirror on the wall? Same fucking thing. Who's the ugliest motherfucker of the mall?

Jesus Christ, it's me. That's what the fucking problem is there Could you imagine if you had a mirror that talked to you And told you what you look like? I'm thinking of making one That's a good idea I'm gonna patent it You look like dick

You look like a fucking sack of shit Okay, with that fucking shirt on Where the fuck are you going But it's really weird What I look for at night in nightlife Now I'm not looking Dog I could never The only way I could stay up to

one is if me and George had a coffee now. And I did like something, like half a mushroom or another taffy. I'd be up till one. Maybe two. I got to know what it be tomorrow, to 11. So I don't give a fuck. But that won't stop me. I'll go to bed at 2, but at 6.30, that cat will be waking me up.

And then I'll get up. And then I'll actually get up, drink coffee, do what I got to do in the morning. Talk to my wife. And sometimes, once she leaves, I'm like, I'm show. I'm going back to bed. Fuck it. I go back to bed for another hour. I get up.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I need my eight now. But no, I don't, I'm not looking to be Johnny Bananas. It's like game seven of the Knicks the other day, game six. I love what I do. I love that I'm a comic and I lucked out and shit works out to me. But that doesn't give me the right to dress up like a fucking clown. And buy tickets I can't afford to go to a Knick game to jump up and fucking down.

Like I'm somebody. You know what I'm saying? And you watch it, listen, you want to go to a Nick game and hide? Like, when you see, what's his name? The guy who dated his daughter. Woody Allen. The Chinese girl. Woody Allen.

Remember he used to go to Nick Games? He didn't sit in the front. He sat in the corner because he knew he was doing something evil. The real gangsters don't want to be seen. It does seem like that when you watch like the front row of the name. That's what everything has become. When you go to those, when you look at those. Nick games.

Here's the sad fucking thing. Those first 10 rows, they're not even there to watch the game. You can see it on the TV screen. They're talking to each other. They're looking at the sunglasses. They're looking at the phone. They're not there.

They just want to tell their friends. I went to the Nick game last night. Oh my God, I wasn't. It was so exciting. No, you didn't even watch. You couldn't wait for the game to end. You go home to your fucking ugly cat. You know, the fuck is wrong with people.

No, it's for them to take an Instagram picture. That's it. But that's every game, you see. Not if you're, you'll watch. watching like Memphis or, you know, Oklahoma City or Denver, but L.A. Lake is the same fucking thing. You know, the garden is the same thing. Miami, Miami, who's in the audience. And that's just, and then people, it just, I don't know, it just sucks. I think it's just, I don't know, you have to pull up to the side of the garden for a limo to pull you up. It's just, I don't know, man.

It's not for me. I just want to fucking move in darkness. Yeah. You never want to be seen. I don't want to be, I don't want to be fucked. You know, why? And to act that way bothers me. Like, to act that way, like, there's only one time I had a good time

when somebody put a camera on me, and that was last year at the UFC. Oh, that was cool. Because I knew that dude. I know him. So he asked me, and I was like, I don't know, and they were all talking about. They go, give him a shot. And then he came back, and then he came back another. time. They were like, no, that's it. But that dude did, but I see that dude all the time. He's been

with the UFC for I don't know how fucking long. But that shit makes me feel like I would hate to get caught on the camera when you have to kiss somebody. You don't like the kiss cam? I mean, you know, you're sitting next to, I don't know. Your wife hopes. Yeah, let's say I'm sitting next to my wife. I don't mind kissing her, but it's just, I don't like kissing somebody on the spot. You know, that's like fucking playing fucking spend the bottle, you know what I'm saying? Could you propose at a stadium? Like people do that? No.

I saw that the other day. The guy, the chick pitched and she turned around and he's on one knee like a faggot. Because what if she says no? Oh, I know. That's fucking life-changing. That's worse than your team losing

and you got the jackling the helmet on like a fucking 10-year-old. You know, so I proposed to Terry on the phone. That's, yeah, I forgot about that. Yeah, on the fucking phone. That's how normal people do it. I got to make an event. I got to make an event.

and put a bird trail on the sign that says, I love you, Terry, and I got to get on my one knee, like a fucking idiot. That's what you did in 19th century, you know, right? When you had the bow and arrow, that's not, not even the ball and arrow, a little after that, like the Titanic. Yeah, okay.

You got to come to a woman's house with a hat on your chest. Chalio, I'm here to pick up Cynthia, and what are you planned to take Cynthia? I plan to take her for some tea, and then maybe see a concert. And who's performing? Oh, my goodness.

Have you heard of the white rail? Oh, we love the white rail. You'd have to, like, court them. It was, like, courting. Yeah, you have to court them. Like, you ask the parents. And then the parents come out with you the first time. And, you know, you're just trying to fucking get a piece.

And they're watching. You're like, fuck, you're a kidnapper. Do you, like, and, like, do you think now you would, you would have texted her? Like, I can't, like, dude, I've never heard of anyone getting proposed to over the phone. I was with her for nine years. You don't need the drama.

That's it. Do you ever see pretty women? The best part of pretty woman was when she's talking to Richard Gere, and she's waiting for Richard Gere to make a move. And Richard Gere shows up with strawberries, and what else did he show up with? Champagne, remember? And she was eating the strawberries, and he's like, slow down.

You got to fucking, because she's an animal. And all of a sudden, she loves. looks at him and goes, listen, before we get this started, I'm a short thing. Okay? I forgot about that. I'm a short thing. So knock it off with the romance and the fucking,

I'm here the fuck. You paid me two grand. There ain't no looking back, you know what I'm saying? I don't need strawberries. I'm a short thing. That's it. You know, when you're with somebody for nine years, she's a short thing.

She ain't going nowhere. Right. How is you going to carry all the cats out by yourself? It's a sure fucking thing. You can take two trips. But, like, dude, how did that conversation lead up to, why? Like, were you planning on proposing? Not at all.

Not at all. I was clean off the Coke for about a year. I was finally stabilized. And I was looking at her. And you could love a woman with all your heart. All right? You could love a one with all your heart. Now, listen, I came from the fucking 70s where you meet me.

a woman, you take her home, and whatever happens, happens. If she ain't got no family, it ain't no sense of marrying her, getting stuck with the tab and fucking, you know, no. You understand me? Like, I came from a different time. She's your woman. You don't need no fucking document to prove that she's your woman. At the end of the day, every man in this room would not get married unless that's for her parents

or your parents. Mm-hmm. So, I was just living. with her. I was already married. I failed that. Who would want to marry a guy that was already married and failed on it? Why would you want to fail? Because then you kept

falling into that stupid fucking I've been married for four times. You're a fucking loser. You're a fucking loser. Two is a lot different than four. Yeah, but after the first time, you're a fucking loser, okay? You failed at the basis communication.

Basic. It's a man and a woman. You fucking got an F. things happen. I get it. Things happen. That's not what happened with me and my ex-wife. Things happen.

But, you know, when you're with somebody that long, it's like we just, you know, what these idiots call my ride and die and they don't even know what they're talking about. Right.

You know, they don't even know what the fuck they're talking about. Everybody's pissed on. Everybody's putting something online right now. You know, I don't know how I feel

about David Portnoy. You know, I know he's a great fucking guy and he's helped a lot of businesses and shit. Sometimes he pisses me off with the shit, he said, but you got to love what the man said last week on Club Shea She. He said he broke up with his wife, the divorce, but she still has access to the fucking account.

Yeah, however. And he goes, why did you do that? He goes, because she was with me when I couldn't afford an hamburger. In. In, that's it. That's what people forget all the time. So most guys leave, and that's what he did. He's got a 26-year-old.

You know, you got a young chick, whatever, but you forgot about that fucking cheese. Burger. Like, I still had the first TV, me and that woman bought. And I'm a fucking animal. Everybody knows. I'm a fucking animal. I don't hold, I have nothing from my youth. I fucking stole people's houses that were holding my stuff. You know, I robbed two people who are holding my stuff. I lost it all, you know, but there's people, you know, and it's, uh, I didn't know I was going to get married. I just knew she was sad about something.

She had gone home and her brother and sister-in-law were about to have their second kid. And she's fucking around with me for nine years. We're still living in a one-bedroom fucking apartment studio. We share a fucking car. You know, a woman at one point goes, what the fuck? And I don't blame you. Nine years, you know, like I say all the time, you could suck dick in an apartment, you could suck dick in a mansion.

I'd rather suck dick in the mansion with silk sheets and a guy playing the violin. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Your church is nice and clean. You don't have to get up and go to work. But, you know, so I don't know, Lee. I went to this thing that day

and I talked to a friend of mine. A Santeria Babalao. He was my Kung Fu teacher. And one day I went over there for a read. And when I do Santa Ria stuff, the male saints don't ever fucking bother me. They always say like, you know,

don't hang out on the corner or don't carry a weapon or don't drink, shit like that. It's before I leave, the women saints always raise their fucking hands. And they always got something to say. You got to do this, you got to do that. You got to treat this person better.

You got to do this. And you understand when they say it to you. They don't say it to you, like you got to be nicer to leave. They don't tell you that. They say something else to you, and when you get in the car, you're like, I know what they're talking about.

And he was just, he was, he was telling me that this saint kept throwing up that I couldn't let this woman go. The woman I had, don't let her go. Because at that point I'm like, I ain't doing nobody no favors. You got to be honest with yourself. I ain't doing her no favor. She's a pretty girl. She's got three or four more years before she could have a kid.

She'd go back to Oklahoma, where my wife is from Tennessee and be the cowboy. You know, is it going to hurt me? Yeah. But in the long one, I'm going to be a better man for it. and whatever that guy said to me, I never figured I got in the car. And I called my wife from the car. I put the air on,

and I'm like, listen, here's the deal. Let's get married, blah, blah, blah. I'm going to call your dad. That I did do. I called her dad. He didn't even know what I was talking about. What? Yeah, I'm going to marry your wife.

What? Yeah, I'm going to marry your wife. Really? Yeah. You know, that's exactly what I did. The wedding costs us $1,000, guy. That never happened. You didn't need pigeons.

We didn't need white people jumping up and down in a band and us, somebody banging a glass, and make them believe you love each other. And my love is, this is my new sister-in-law. I love, we don't need that. We don't need that. That's the fucking people want to show you something. That's for that fat chick that never had dick,

and she gets married at 48. She's got to show everybody she's married now. Fucking the dress don't even fit no more. I think she might earn. and 48. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. So what did you get for $1,000? Well, we got the cake, a dress,

my wedding band, decorations, because the Hollywood Bowl gave us the lounge for free. We got Cuban food from El Coconito, pork chunks. We got fried chicken from Rouse, from rock and roll rouse, has the best fried chicken, and we got pastrami from Langers. and fucking, and that was it.

And we told people that have to bring a gift, and it was on a Wednesday night. Yeah. I didn't want to put anybody out. When you have a fucking wedding on a Saturday, you're putting me the fuck out. Okay, that's eight hours out of my fucking day. Let's narrow that down.

We got married one of those chapels on Walsh. You walk in, the midget comes out in a t-sito, bop, pop, pop, you sign. We got in a fucking car and drove a half a mile up to the fucking Hollywood Bowl. Everybody came with jeans and t-shirt. I did not give a fuck. And it was perfect.

And 16 years later, we're still fucking together. So you want to talk to me about having pigeons and kissing everybody and white people, everybody dressed in white suits. And you don't need that shit at the end of the day. But you've got to convince this chick you're marrying that. That's the problem. You've got to convince this poor girl

that since she's been eight, she's having a dream to marry a prince, and you're going to come on a white horse and the dad's going to pay for everything. You know, that's the problem you have. It's pretty tough to convince a woman. We're not going to get married like that. For what, for your fucking goofy friends for those retards?

No, I'm not getting married. We're getting married for us. I agree with that. And I will say, because, like, I was teasing you when you reminded me about getting, proposing over the phone. But, like, there's a lot of people who are really unhappy in marriages

and who were just, like, they felt like they had to do it, or they were, like, they were giving up because they were getting older. For a million reasons, people get married that they shouldn't. And like, you know, like you said, we talked an episode or two ago about 25 years. About three episodes, about 35-year-old women.

Oh, no, but, yeah, that too. We talk to about 35-year-old women and 40-year-old men. I mean, listen, the biggest thing in this country right now is loneliness. Okay? You see it every day. You read about it. People depend on, they've depended on this online dating,

and it's taking them out of going to bars and talking to people. You know, they depended too much on an online date and, you know, guys my age are supposed to be really fucking bored. I'm getting there. You know, I'm getting there. That's why I do what I do. People my age get a dog.

At least they walk a dog three times a day and you lose your mind, you talk to the dog. You buy cookies for the, you know, whatever the fuck you do. But right now, a lot of people are fucking lonely dog. Yeah. You know, and it's hard to meet people. It's very hard to meet women, but I believe in something.

There's an ass for every chair. Okay, and you just got to get out there. And I've seen it. I've seen it. I've seen it. I've fucking seen it. Right in front of my eyes, chicks that can't catch a break,

and they marry some white dude, and boom, they have a kid. You know, I just saw a girl on Facebook. I remember when this girl was struggling. She's a fucking producer now. I remember her husband started producing fucking films. They had a kid. I know this girl 20 fucking years.

She was an assistant. You know, I believe in it. I seen it. It's just believing that you're going to meet somebody nice and fucking dropping your fucking whatever. Everybody wants a beauty queen. But you're 50, you're missing a tooth. You know, you're living in your mother's basement.

What's going to happen? What fucking beauty queen are you going to draw? Take what you want. Take what you can get. Like the man says, what's the Stoller say? You can't get what you want, but you get what you need, okay? Have you ever had that conversation with a friend? Like, you need to lower your standards?

No. Because they got no standards. I got friends that got no standards. That's true. You a little bit, George's got no standards. He gets hooks up with a chick next thing he knows he's driving in the chemo. You know, he don't give a fuck. Where are you, Georgia, make chemo?

I got to call you back. I regret this piece of pussy Yeah, you're gonna glow in the dark now Because she sucks your dick with that chemo juice in the mouth Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I don't know where to go from chemo juice To be very honest with you Kimo juice is chemo juice

You know what to tell you I had a good time with you guys today I hope you have a great week I want to thank We have Blue Chewes Blue Chew, and we had Hewle. And Hewle, I want to thank them for sponsoring this.

And I want to thank you guys. What do you got this week, Cinderella? This week, I'm all over New York throughout the week. Check out my Instagram. And, yeah, I got shows coming up. Why don't you tell them? So Broadway Comedy Club on Wednesday night, Tuesday night, I'm at Shibas at the Three Monkeys Bar. And then Friday night at midnight, I'm on the Upper East Side.

I'll have an exact date for you. You see? I got nothing. I got nothing all week. pop up somewhere. I don't know. I got nothing. I got problems. I got a doctor on Wednesday and that tells me whether they're going to put me back in the hospital for good and we won't be doing this podcast live no more. We're doing it. No, you'll be here with fucking the boys and I'll be in the hospital room coming direct from fucking, I can't even do this. I'll be missing an ear. I'll just

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