The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - The World Ain't Flat with Rich Vos

Episode Date: May 13, 2025

Comedian Rich Vos joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt this week. Joey and Rich talk addiction and recovery, getting paid in TV''s and much more! Support the show and protect your online privacy with ExpressVPN. Head to https://www.expressvpn.com/CHURCH Support the show and get your first 3 months of Mint Mobile for just $15 a month. Head to https://www.mintmobile.com/CHURCH Produced by: Andrew Houston & Joe Russo @andyfromontario @joerussomarketing on Instagram

What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? It's Tuesday. The 13th of May, the day the devil was buried in sea. It's me and fucking Lee, the church of what's happening now, New Testament. It's a whole new day. It's a whole new week with a whole new set of rules. What's happening, Tarzan? I'm doing great, dude.

You are doing great. It feels like L.A. tonight. Because we took the edible like an hour ago, so I have like six minutes left. All right. Who gives a fuck? It always feels like that. Listen, this guy's always worried. I started torturing him Friday about it.

We're going to go for 600 milligrams. I get him going all weekend. He's huffing and puffing. He's fucking, you know, he lets me play with him, so I got to keep doing it. What do you mean I let you? You let me. I tell you on Friday, we're going to haul this week. You know, because I know you're fucking dicking around, you know.

I'm digging around. I'm digging around. Yes, you do. And you sit there and make believe you're watching the Knicks and shit. But anyway, how was Mother's Day? Did you call your mom? I did. I called my mom.

I was there for her birthday last week, so I was with my girl and her. her mom for this week. How was that? When you're with her mom, what do you do? You just sit there? No, they're nice. They're cool. My girlfriend cooked. We sat up by the water. Dude was nice in New York yesterday. Oh, it was very nice in New York.

We were just out on the water. This is the time of the year in New York is fucking boss. Let's get this shit out of the way. Yeah. From April, 20th to fucking June 15th, there ain't no place you'd rather be. And like from September 10th to October 30th, there's no place you'd rather be.

This is the time of the year. If you're going to come to New York, this is it. You come in July. You're going to be sweating bullets with your nice white shirt and your flip flogged. Man, it's hot. Yeah, it's fucking humid. It's fucking July in New York City. Not to mention 85 fucking trucks.

You know, 22 fucking Uber's, six scooters. What comes out of there? Heat. So what the fuck, you know? Oh, yeah. But this, dude, like yesterday, and you know what saved me is sunglasses. Because all anyone told me when I moved here is you can't, like, I love when people are acting crazy. I love watching it.

And people told me, like, that's when I'm going to get mugged. It's like if a homeless guy is, you. yelling and I just start looking at him. You're not, but with sunglasses, you can look at anybody. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's get back to fucking normal here. If you're walking the streets and your eyes are creeping, you can't have no sun. Especially

you. You don't know how to work with sunglasses yet. What do you mean? How do you work with sunglasses? Who's the people who protect the president? Secret service. They're good with sunglasses, okay? That's what they do. That's what they've been doing for years. You're just new to this. And I know you. You're still stuck on Uber and help. Yelp. The problem when you ain't the fucking

You're talking sunglasses. Everyone uses Uber. The problem with you ain't the sunglasses, that you got that backpack looking like a migrant, and nine or ten, you're looking at your fucking phone, bouncing on the street. And it's your body language.

You see what I'm saying? And this new type of migrant in the city and this new type of criminal, you can't be fucking walking around with a backpack on anything. I could not have a backpack because the guy can just come from behind you and start ripping your thing

and you're fucking sitting there. Yeah, but you could do that with your shirt too. No, he can't because you can break the bond. It's just the shirt. I don't, I feel everyone wears backpacks. Yeah, well, just because everybody jumps off the bridge, that's a mean you're a fucking jump, are you? What are, you're tan like my daughter?

My daughter hit me with that this morning. I told her, next time you say that to me, you're punished for a fucking week. I go, I'm raising you not to be like the rest of these little fucking idiots. This morning, she wanted to leave the house with a cut t-shirt off with a little brass strap. Time-out, and I looked at the mother like, what the fuck are you doing? Well, she won't wear.

I don't give her fuck what she won't wear. This is a Cuban house. You're going to cover up that fucking bra, you little freak. Oh, it's that starting? No, no, it's like she just said to other girls at school do it. I don't give a fuck. I really don't give a fuck. I'm trying to raise you so you're not like the other fucking idiots.

How am I supposed to carry my shit? I understand with mercy, that makes sense. You don't need to carry your shit. Where are you going? Where are you going? Here. Sometimes you have to carry it. That dude, that's like the thing about New York,

that you have to carry a lot of shit with you. If you're doing sets at night? All you need is a knife. That's all you need. You have to carry a lot of stuff for you. You got your whole computer and your phone and a knife. Look at you, wallet in front pocket. Again, I'm going to muggy.

No, it's not. I'm mugging. You shouldn't even have your wallet. You don't drive. You don't drive? You don't drive? You don't drive? What do you do?

That's it. When you go out into public, you use the fucking things the cops give you for the shields. You take that out, that stupid shield, it's not going to get you out of you, you stab somebody. And you put your visa card and your license. So you have a strip in there, and you put it in. Nobody does. But how are they getting into my...

We were just talking about this. This is New York City. These migrants, they got long fingers. They've been practicing fucking pickpocketing since they were two. This is what they do in Managua, Nicaragua, where the fuck they come from? They all got... You know, when you get a kid here, you got a doll, right? When you're a kid in Managua, you get a doll with bells.

And a jacket with little chain in there. So if you hit the, that's how you train a pick pocket with bells. Right. And that's why I don't put in my back pocket, but my front pocket's safe. Listen. Dude, if someone put a hand in my pocket. If I hit you in the head now, now I know your wallet's in your front pocket. So I'm going to go for it.

So why bring your whole life in that fucking wallet, which you don't need it? You need one VC, one ATM card and your ID. If that, if the migrants don't have licenses, why should you? Shit, for years. I was a criminal. I never had a license on me. And I didn't have an ATM either. It was cash or a knife.

That's it. What's your name? I don't know. Where's your ID? I have no fucking idea. And you have 20 IDs. I had 20 IDs growing up, but you're not going to see it. I had no idea about that.

Take my name for granted. That's what it is. Me Yamo, Hos Antonio, okay? That's all I fucking know. Mayamo. But I don't May Yamo. Well, tell them that you yamo. And then they'll leave you to fuck alone.

I had no, I, all right, I'll try it. It makes sense. Listen, in New York City, it's not as killer as it used to be. You got amateurs now. But how you get mugged is body language and goofiness. That's how you get mugged. Body language and goofiness. You just get fucking mugged.

What's goofiness? Being a goof, well, look at that sign. Isn't it great? Who gives a fuck? Mind your fucking business. Look straight ahead. Right. And get those.

Everybody wants glasses that they could tape people? No, get glasses with little windshields. Like fucking a car, so you can see what's coming up behind you. That's how you got to live at 2025. You've got to be prepared. These people stab you in the back. They go with knives, these migrants. And I shouldn't be just blaming the migrants.

I've got to be blaming everybody in New York City. I'm sorry. I'm sorry to the migrants for me to be fucking hawking on you, but I'm trying to take a Lee under my wing here. He thinks this is fucking Orlando. You know, you're just walking down the street. I have to be honest. I don't think I've seen one migrant.

since I've been here. I don't know where you are in New York. You see, like, these hordes of migrants. I see them on Channel 11. I see them on W-P-I-X. That's where I see them. And what are they doing? They just walk in the streets,

looking for momos that carry their wallets in their front pockets. Okay. Didn't they mug a fucking cop last week? Did they not? I mean, am I the only fucking one? Today I got a call from a friend of mine. Hey, man, I'm flying into Newark. I'll be there Wednesday, and we'll leave in Saturday out of Newark.

I go, are you a fucking idiot? He goes, what are you talking? I go, you don't want to fly into Newark. He goes, yeah, but we got the tickets a month ago. I go, good talk. I don't give a fuck if you got him a year ago. Do you know what's going on in Newark? He goes, no, what's going on?

I go, you don't put it on CNN? No, I don't watch the news. What are you doing with your life? You're going to flying to Newark? Listen, I'm letting you know right now. I ain't going nowhere to September 6th. I don't even get my real license to August 7th. That real ID bullshit.

I don't even get it to August 7. Wasn't the deadline like this week? Yeah, who gives a fuck? I'm not going to listen. You could still fly. It's going to take you an hour and a half, and if you fly to Newark, it's going to take you 19 hours. So you might as well fly to Philly if you're not going to have an ID.

It's extra screening. They check you, but who gives a fuck? They're still going to let you fly. And they're going to enforce it heavy for two or three months. Now they're going to put Clear and TSA together. Yeah, they have that. For an extra charge now, right? Yeah.

Right? Now they got you there. So now you can go on clear we don't have to take your fucking shoes off. You go to Newark, clear is fucking packed all the time, and so is T.S. Listen, summers are horrible to fly anymore.

The last five years since the pandemic. This year, if you're thinking of flying on in Newark, cancel your fucking flight. Why go through that? Like I was telling Jim Florentine the other day. I'm old school. I get to an airport today, and you tell me my flights cancel?

You know what? Keep the luggage. Keep it. I don't even want it. because that's another four hours. I got to wait here for the luggage to get shipped downstairs. So before that happens, keep the luggage. I got my sleep bat an machine.

I got my weed in there. I got my license. I got a toothbrush. That's all you need. Have you thought about shipping your luggage down? What? I did it once when I left L.A. You can give UPS your luggage

and they'll just deliver it to the hotel and you send it back. That way you don't have to do shit at the airport. But what about speaking of Newark? The air traffic controllers, they got time off because it was so stressful. Listen, if you're on a plane and I don't know where you are, that's one thing. But look, it's the other way around.

If I'm sitting in a plane, the pilot goes, hey, the tower just turned off. We have no fucking idea where we're at. I'm scared. But if I'm in a fucking thing sitting there in a tower, you can't even go through, why am I stressed out? But that's the country today. That's America now. We're all stressed out over dumb fucking reasons.

that, you know, everybody's stressed out. I don't know what to fucking tell you. Or yoga. Get a whoop watch, exercise. Everybody's so fucking stressed out, and I get it, man. Times are rough. I'm looking around, man, restaurants are empty. Comedy club's empty.

A major comedy club just bounce a check. Once you bounce a check, that's the beginning of the end, Jack. That's all I know. There ain't no coming back from that. You don't bounce a check by mistake. And especially a comedy club that's a corporation. So keep telling me how things are great. You're going to jump up and down.

Things are fucking rough, and they're going to get rougher. Talk, I'm an econ major. So out of habit, I look at things. I love looking at businesses and see what's going on. Restaurants by my house that five years ago would be packed on a Tuesday night. Got two people in those motherfuckers now on a Tuesday night. It's a different fucking game. Well, what about that?

We were just talking about the Knicks game. It was the most expensive Nix ticket in the history of the Nix. Okay. That's great. So you bought a ticket. There's one ticket in there that's $31,000, and you bought it like a jerk off. You bring it like some hot chick to be cool.

She don't know what the ticket costs unless you tell her. I paid $31,000 for the ticket and they get lost by 40. How bad do you feel, well, you might as well put a knick hat on the sweatshirt and jump up and down with fucking the black guy, the director. Where was he? He wasn't jumping up and down. He was sitting there fucking depressed looking for Denzel Washington, to the Tracy, even Tracy Morgan was puking again.

$30,000. That's just stupidity. That is just something that you look at and go, and I get it. Well, Joey, he's worth $20 million. I know. But it's the fucking principal. And nobody knows it.

I can see if 31,000, I want to sit in the middle, like up by the top. And at halftime, they zip me down. And I get out of there like, here, nine-nine problems, but the bitch ain't won. You know what I'm saying? That's $31,000. But for $31,000, they sit next to a guy who paid $1,500 fairs.

How dumb do you fucking feel? Oh, yeah. But that's the stupidity of us now. That's how dumb we are now. And you're bringing a girl that's hot, but she don't get a fuck about this game. Yeah, she's got a little Nick get hat on like they do during Yankee season.

Look at the Nick games. Look at the first 10 rows and get back to me. They're not watching a game. Look, it's Denzel. Look, it's Artie Lang. Look, it's Christopher Columbus. That's what they're doing. They're not even watching the game.

No. It's people, the people who watch the game, they're at home. Yeah. Because they know it's a bunch of fake Nick fans all of a sudden that come out to show how much they love New York. And those idiots that get together and watch the game on the street behind a thing, get a fucking life. Get a life.

Go find a tranny or something to hang out with. That you have to go to a fucking outside to a parking lot and look at a TV screen with 300 other idiots and jump around to show you're a New Yorker. You want to be a New Yorker? Look at Rich Voss. always got a knife on them. That's a New Yorker. And we'll be back, cock suckers.

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taxes, fees extra, cement mobile, for all your details. We're back, bitches. My main man, Rich Voss is here today. Fucking comedian, extraordinaire, old school savage. What's up, son? What's up, buddy? Lisa Ad's here.

I'm still here. You know, it's funny when I was, like, we're talking about kids now, and, you know, my daughter went to a concert the other night. Who's the dude that played halftime, Lamar? Yeah, whatever's name. Kendrick Lamar.

Yeah. And she's dressed like, I go put a fucking coat on, okay? Because you and your friends are going to be the only white kids here. So you're going to stand out to begin with. So put something on your shit. And she's got her prom Friday. And last night we're sitting at the table, I go, look, let me tell you what's sacred in this world. God, your parents, and your virginity.

Okay? You go to the prom. I said he can get. some titty. That's it. That's it. He said, you can get a little titty. I told her he can get a little titty. That's it. So. What's her reaction to this? Let me tell you. I got

older daughters with kids and I told them the same shit. You know, they didn't listen, but still, you got to carry the message. You know, you're fucking, you're 17, you're good-looking, little titty. Move on. See what I'm saying?

I am shocked. I am fucking shocked right now. I didn't even know what to tell my daughter. I wouldn't even talk about it. I would not even know. You know, you just... But you're not going to grind them because then they'll want to be out there being freaks.

It's like Catholic girls. Yeah. When they went to Holy Rosary Academy, they were all nice and shit. And when they bust out of there, they become fucking animals. Kathy school. Yeah.

You can't oppress them. No. I mean, you know, my kid is good. smart she going to hangs out with other kids but you know prom night

they're getting a house 15 dudes and 15 girl you know they rented a house for the weekend you know listen I didn't go to a prom because I in 11th grade I raised my hand to go to the bathroom

and I never came back I just walked out and I said fuck this this ain't for me but so I didn't really go to a prom I went to some graduation parties you know they didn't know but I never went to a fucking prom or any of that shit, you know, and she's going, just, you know, why could, you know,

it's so much easier if you have a boy, you know what I'm saying, so much easier. But not as meaningful. No, it's not as meaningful. It wouldn't be the same for me. I mean, I love a boy, you know. I would love anything. I don't give a fuck at this point in the game. But I think with girls, especially guys like us, first off, God doesn't put a girl in your life

unless you did something really bad. I got three of them. That's a kid, okay? That's why when I was 13, I knew I was going to have daughters. I just knew it. God's going to fuck with you. He's going to make you pay for everything you said, everything you do, whatever.

And then after, like, I came to that realization, I became better with women. Because I knew I'm going to get, and sure enough, two fucking daughters. And, you know, and it's like I tell people, it's tough to be a racist when you have a daughter. You know what I'm saying? I expect you when your oldest one's married to a black guy

And they got the cutest little Puerto Rican baby Is that what Jews and blacks make? Yeah, Puerto Rican babies This kid is fucking the coolest You know, I face time with them and stuff But I have three daughters, yeah But they all grew up You know what?

They all grew up great Because like you My ex-wife, myself or in my kids' lives. You know what I mean? We were involved. I would go to all. And every time I call you,

you're at a game. I went to all my daughter's games. I was in a stand yelling and screaming, you know, because I had money on the games. But still, you know what I mean? These kids better cover. But, you know. So, but I,

if you're there for your kids, but I don't know why I'm talking about kids because I heard you earlier, if you show your kids attention and affection, they'll grow up to be pretty good kids. You know what I'm saying? Usually. Usually.

You know, my parents were nowhere to be, not my mother's fault. My father's nowhere to be found. You know, he's all, whatever. So my mother couldn't control me. She couldn't control me. I had a situation in my house about a year ago. My wife was fucking traumatized. Like it's let me know about the future quickly.

I talked my wife Because I didn't really know I didn't want her to think that I was a stiff I didn't trust her So my daughter asked me about a concert And I go, sure, you go see the fucking girl And it was chaperone And she found some other kid to go

When my wife went up to pick the kid up The kid had like purple hair and shit And she was Mercy's age And she was fucking chubby With like a barrel dress on And my wife was like, you know, whatever. I don't know what kids would I dress like. And then she went to the show, and there was a man with a dress on with a beard

standing in front of my daughter. And during the fucking concert, they were running ads for Palestine. It was just one thing after the other that got me hotter and hotter. Well, my wife is a fucking redneck, and she's a fucking Christian. And it broke her. When they got home, they were both crying. And I asked my wife, what happened? And she goes, I'm going to fucking kill her.

She called my wife a, when you don't like transvestites. What's that? When you don't like transpobic. My wife lost it. My wife went upstairs. They were yelling at each other. And like two days later, I asked Mercy, what the fuck was that? And she's like, Dad, she's not used to it and stuff.

And then a couple weeks later, the chick won an MTV award. and that's the night she came out talking about they should start a fund for all these artists and I'm like I turn the TV O and I go Mercer we gotta talk this ain't the world this is a chick looking for attention

first off she's the ugliest little girl I've ever seen in my life that is the ugliest fucking kid I have ever and that's what they you know the other day went to not California pizza kitchen I don't go to that place went to the other place the cheesecake factory

Oh yeah fucking tremendous She wanted to go So no the place is huge so I'm taking on that. And, sure enough, two 15-year-old girls, 400 pounds apiece. And they're, what are they? Rock, what are they?

With the fucking makeup, with the wig. What are they? Unfuckable. And I told my daughter, I go, you see those two goth chicks? Oh, God. What? And now they're 400 pounds apiece.

They're probably freshmen's in college. They could just go to the gym and be accepted. I mean, that's the shit that I don't know what's going on in the world. Like when a parent looks at a child and goes, we have to talk. You cannot have fucking God's shit on. And, you know, it's just, we've gone somewhere else. I see it with coaching. Like, you're supposed to be scared of your parents at some point.

And when you have a coach, like, talk, when I was growing up, I had coaches that in rec that would fucking make you go off. Like, you ran the whole fucking hour. with no ball and I see these fucking softball parents not the parents but the coaches and it's like everybody raises their kid petrified I'm not scared I'm scared of what she'll turn out like do you know what I'm saying like I'm petrified like I could die tomorrow and she's a 14 year old kid and it's the same it's a cycle of what happened to me it's a girl who's lost now and you know she's going to stall for a while

because it's hard to recover from her death. That's my biggest fear, Rich, is what happens to our kids later on if we don't do the right job. We can do the best job in the world and I can still fucking have a daughter that wants to strip. Well, here's the thing.

First of all, those ads for Palestine to concert, I'm sure they weren't for rentals. No, but it's been pisses me off. When you went to see Led Zeppelin, a black Sabbath to the B-52s. It wasn't political. No, they just played. thing is wrong. Like this whole fucking thing is wrong. Well, look at that Irish

band that put up a big sign. Fuck Israel. They lost their visas. But, you know, it's all political. And they're brainwashing the kids. Not only the world, they're teachers, their professors in colleges. You know what? Back in the 60s and 70s, liberalism was open-mindedness, looking at things from both sides. Now, both sides have been hijacked by extremists. You're either this or this. You know what I'm saying? And they're fucking these kids, half these kids protesting, you know, on these college campuses,

they're just dumb white girls that have no idea. You could, they have no idea about history, you know, history, American history, more or less foreign history, you know. So I don't want to get into politics, but they're all being brainwashed right now, these kids. They're being brand. And I told my daughter, you know, you've got to make your look at things from both sides, make your own decision, hang out with white kids. And I'm just fucking around. When I was 18 and 19, politics was the last thing I was doing about.

Yes, me too. And again, even a chaperone would have put up pro-Israel stuff. Yeah. And I would have been at the show. No. I would have said, no. No. What a fuck are you doing with this shit?

And like I told my daughter, I'm happy you don't fucking listen. I stopped playing her in the fucking car. I don't mind the fucking Irish chick, Billy Eilish. I don't mind those bitches. Saw with tea, but that fucking shot, I can't take that. And I don't want that in my life. I don't want that in her fucking head. And I don't want how to have that type of behavior.

And it's fucking lame and it's ruining fucking kids. And you've got to say something at some point. No, it ain't going to work. That's true, though. I bet if he said prolet, none of it. I don't want to hear about none of that shit. I went to the last concert in which I was in Arizona and a club owner took me to see Springsteen.

He didn't do any of his political shit. He just came out, did almost, what, four hours or something? I don't know, whatever he played. He killed, it was a good concert, and I left. There was no, you know, stopping and talking about this or that. Just play your fucking music, and let me get the fuck out. That's all. And if you had to get to listen,

I look at these concerts online. Do what? I look at some of these concerts online. I wouldn't stay there. I wouldn't go to half these concerts. It's just embarrassing at this point. I haven't gone to one. No, no, no.

I don't. You went and had a good time, but like half of these guys now to the touring, it's like, come on, guys. I didn't really have. Come on, guys. Like, stop, stop. The dude that took me was a real Springsteen fan,

and he's singing, then he turns and sings to me. What the, you're a dude. you're a dude don't be fucking singing to me turn the fuck around sing out that way I'm not from

I'm not from the Jersey side where Springsteen was king I'm from the Jersey side with Ted Nugent was king and if you like Springsteen it wasn't going to be a good afternoon for you I was more

it was not going to be a good afternoon I was I liked Southside John I was more of a Ramones guy I had to be 52s but Ramones were fucking I love the Ramones back then, you know, whatever.

Springsteen, he... They went after the Tartre to the Ramones. Yeah, well, he had, that guy looks like an ugly Howard Stern. Oh, yeah, he's in badger. Oh, do, do, do, do, do, do. Go away, please. I know. You know, oh, that's punk music.

That's ugly. I'll tell you. Go away. Leave me the fuck alone. I was a big fan because they were from my hometown, Parliament Funkadelics. Oh, I like Paul. I was a big mothership connection.

Yeah, that's all good. They were from Plainfield, a couple of them. I was going to see those motherfuckers in 95 in Boulder. They were coming like once a month, and that was a great fucking show. I like all that stuff. I wish I was in town. They're playing down the Hesbury Park. Yeah, they're doing something.

God damn. How old is he now, though? George Clinton? He's got to be 80. I think he's older than Biden. His hair must smell bad now. That fucking Pichugi, whatever they put in their hair, the fucking, keep those dreads, that's not, bueno.

He's about to be 84 in July. Relaxer. No, that's not relaxer. That's... Remember when I went to prison, that was big. Everybody had the Jerry Curl in prison, and they would have to wear a shower cap. Oh.

In the daytime and shit. They would have to wear a shower cap. I'm like, I can't handle this. I'll show you a picture later. My hair was... I had a big Afro. So did you. So did I.

I. I'm from North Bergen. And with the humidity, it really goes off. Fuck you. I had an afro. curly ass here and then I went to New York and I went to this hairdresser because I wanted a shag

like the carpet? No like they had it was like feathered it so I had I went to this place they cut my hair and hot combed it and I had the nicest shag until the first I watched it and that shit shot back up to an after I had a shag

for two days when you were a kid you don't understand that like what the fuck this guy to do my hand. I got to figure out this magician trip and shit. This shit was nice, man. I went to school like David Cassidy. But, you know, back back to my black high school with my Afro. So you're from Plainfield? Plainfield, yeah. Jesus Christ. And that was rough in the 80s and 70s.

Kids used to come to my, in high school, they carried guns to school. In high school, I remember Willie. like he pulled out his gun and they said don't fuck with to me they go don't fuck with him he's cool right like i never got fucked with because i grew up playing sports and you know smoking reefer and selling whatever even the gangster earl earl if you owe the money he took you to the park and made you strip and he threw you in the pond and they fuck you up and they can you know beat your ass he should take people for a ride. He had, he owned two, uh, deuce in a quarters, all right? Two, uh, electric two 25s. Big guy, big drug dealer. Love me. Love me. All, you know, I just grew up amongst

that. So, but dudes in, in this late 75, our school was terror. It was terror. I'm telling you, like one day, me and my friend, because we were in playing field, we go, let's go up to Hawaii. young and look at some white girls and we drove up to the school and we'll walk around and principal came goes look i know you two are from here go back to where to fuck you're from just get out of you black your friend no white dude we went to just go to another school where they're playing field high in those days it wasn't a lot but like i they had a high school reunion so i i went just to show you know see some old friends and shit i didn't sign up i just just, you know, right by the bridge, by the mall by my house that year. So my wife can remember

me there. And it was like me and three other white. She didn't believe I went to like a black high school and she came to the reunion. She goes, oh, damn, you were right. And Roxanne was there. She was so fine in high school. But, you know, we're older now. But I saw dudes like, so I did like 10 minutes, 15 minutes they brought me on and I the same Muslim motherfucker with his bowtie was still Muslim right same people and Gerald was there he used to sit the bench for the basketball you know I was fucking with dudes I went to school it was so much fun because you know these are dudes I grew up with since fifth sixth grade played sports they were all there and they're fucking I mean pimped the fuck out they look you know what a bad schools down there

What's that? Pensac. Camden. Oh, playing field. Malcolm Xabazz was a bad school. East Orange. West Orange.

One year they flipped the North Bergen bus, the basketball bus. Did they? What? Freshman Christmas tournament. They flipped the North Bergen bus. Well, Plainfield won the States in basketball this year. Plainfield win the States.

Every fucking. They were fucking. I mean. They ain't feel. And that wasn't, Passaic, maybe, was bad. What was the school where everybody from, everybody from Louisville.

Louisville in the 80s had four players from a fucking Jersey school. And they called it the Louisville Connection. From Jersey? Oh, Elizabeth? Maybe it was Elizabeth. Because Elizabeth put out some players. Yeah, early on.

Joe Chapman. I think that that dude is from Jersey, too. The dude that plays for Dallas, the crazy guy that was a Nick and he was saying anti-Semitism. Oh, you're talking about that? Carrey Irving. What's it? He thinks the world is flat.

Yeah, a lot of them do. Fucking Wiz Khalifa thinks. I never even thought about it. And if it's flat, I don't give a fuck. You want to see flat look at my wife's ass. That's your flat. Okay, it's like fucking Jackie Chan from behind. You know, it's...

Who gives a fuck of the world? First of all, the world ain't flat. Mike Lowe at home is round. My wife and I were talking last night. We're talking about Sawpong, other shit. We're watching Mobland after mobland. We're just talking. And we're fucking, and my wife's like, you never really had interest.

She goes, can you fill me in on that? I'm like, listen. You know, I don't know. About what? I just never. I don't give a fuck. If it's got nothing to do with me, I really don't. Like, if it's a flat earth or if it's a round earth, I don't give a fuck.

I know. Like, you want me to worry about who shot Kennedy? It's 2025. It was 60 years ago. He got shot in the head. I don't give him. the fuck who shot them or how they shot i'm always been like that if it had nothing to do with how we're going to put five dollars in our pocket it's got nothing to do with me yeah that's true

i mean i don't know and it's like some people have distractions in their life i fucking don't even let distract like i just and people get mad like a couple weeks ago i went on a couple podcasts and i spoke about that shit i don't care about epstein or ditty no of that shit has I just don't have time to even think about that stuff. My life growing up was fucked up. I got comfortable being uncomfortable. Me too. I got comfortable.

Being uncomfortable. So I have my own shit to deal with, you know, whether it be anxiety, getting sober, raising a fan. My own shit to deal with. You know, now I'm dealing with a lot of other shit. I'm not dealing with it. I'm just being affected by it from outside issues. You see what, you know, because of my religion.

But it's not personally affecting me. You know what I'm saying? I'm not in college or I'm not, you know, my job isn't, I know what you're saying. Just take, worry about my kids and not even my older than my family. It's like when I see somebody on TV, like, oh, yeah, we're having a benefit for blind kids. And they invite people over to the house and they cater and they put this big shit. do on but meanwhile they got a cousin who needs fucking money.

I never understood that shit. You got people in your circle but you want to help like and it's like I know you do it for attention. At the end of the day it's for fucking attention. So people come over and go oh he's such a good person

and at the end of the day nobody gives a fuck. As long as you have food there somebody's birthday and Facebook nobody really gives a fuck. You know it really? The bucks means those people online who like they'll go find someone like a homeless guy or whatever and they'll give them money and they'll like if they do it nice they're in theory it's a nice thing but they have a pro they're interviewing a homeless guy.

Here's the thing. First of all, donation is not supposed to. When you donate, you're not supposed to let people know because it's self-serving. Donation is like I never let people know that, you know, I send money to St. Jude. That's between me and St. Jude. because they're the only legitimate one but people go on Facebook it's my birthday can you donate to

no go fuck yourself I got my own course on Facebook in the morning nothing bars me donate to do go fuck yourself I gotta go to my wallet to say happy birthday go fuck yourself forget it forget I even forget I even had a good fucking by the way they want to be oh my birthday

I'm only to donate the cats of Newark Listen, a cat ain't going to get a dollar from me. All right? Yeah. Just take your fucking happy birthday and move on with your fucking life. You're lucky. You got a happy birthday for me. I donate to Africans or some blind school.

Get the fuck. I'm not going out to the car to get my wallet. I'm not doing it. My wallet's in my car. You have the doctor. Can we have your insurance car? Anthem. Can we have the number?

Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. I got referred for you from a fucking doctor. You're thinking you would refer me if I had no fucking insurance? We'll call back when you had the number. And then I got to wait another 80 days. Anthem, write it down and give me a fucking appointment. The lady's just like pros.

Why? You know I'm calling you. I'm fucking legit. And you want to break my fucking balls now. Or call me back. No, I ain't calling you fucking back. And say something. I'll call your fucking supervisor.

It's Anthem. I got a reference. You know the doctor? Yeah, we will. Then what the fuck? You think he was saying you a fucking deadbeat? The fucking. What is wrong with these people?

I'm fucking believable. I went to physical therapy and I go fill this shit out. I go, I was here already once. How many times I got to fill out? We're going to send you a pro-packing. What's your medication? Listen, I know.

You see my wife next to me? Yeah. Don't ask me a fucking question unless you, I got people, my sister today. So what kind of, what are you bother me for? I just know. I don't know nothing. I'm telling you,

what I know. It's for fungus. What type? You know, where'd you get it? Who cares? Who cares? What disease in your daddy on? You see my wife next to me? She got all the paperwork. What banks? I don't know. Bank of America. Everybody goes to Bank of America, right? The fuck is wrong with people. I don't. I got to fill out. Like, I didn't, that's the reason I quit school. I didn't like filling shit out. No. Every time you call a doctor. We're going to send you a package for what. I got to get there 10 minutes early.

Not going to bring reading glasses and fill stupid shit out. Have you ever had hepatitis? I don't fucking know. I had chlamydia. It disappeared one day. Okay? Stop leaking. I never heard from it again.

Has your dad lost any toes? What the fuck? What really gets me is when I walk in, not even hello, what do you hear for? Insurance and I'm sure. Motherfucker, slow to fuck down. Do I look like I'm going to rip you to fuck off? The first thing. I fuck with them now.

patient, savage. You know, oh yeah. What'd your father die from? Heroin. What'd your mother die from? She got stabbed 20 times where she's getting raped. Okay, Lewis. And I love when they read the paperwork, they look at it and they look at me for a second. And then they know, I'm not fucking around. I'm not here. What's what the questions? I got fucking sick. I got dupy colitis, whatever the fuck it is. So does too. Why are you asking me fucking questions and making me talk? I'm in fucking physical therapy this morning. And the dude, he used to play football he used to play halfback for the giants but now he's so they have me on this thing doing this I go

this is gay I go I laugh at people in the gym doing this 30 minutes I gotta pay $80 to do this come on get up Mongo let's do this right bend the fucking shoulder they did the same shit to me too I know massage me make me come do something yeah I'm not paying $88 insurance don't want to cut it then they want a Michael needle me like yeah a little fucking needle

It's like fucking a little whatever with the little dicks It's just a little fucking needle A little Filipino dick I'm fucking around They should have one of those fucking gumbull dick Yeah this is gonna change your life

Ain't gonna change my fucking life It's my give me the Jap with a long fucking needle That's what works I'm fucking around with rubber bands How do these people react to you saying this? I'm just imagine like a 22 year old kid I'm done guys

I'm 62 and I've earned this fucking right as an American. I pay taxes. I was a felon. I did my time. I paid taxes and I fucking deserve better treatment from medical and all these fucking idiots. And you got to call them out from time to time.

If not, they'll keep fucking with you. They keep fucking with you. Why do I have to go get my insurance card? I told you I got insurance. That's all you need to know. Anthem. A-T-E-S-E-M. That's it.

What's the number? I don't know. Do the fucking math. I don't fucking know. Now I got to go play. 219. You get so, you get so like fucking, like I'm not into it no more. Like, I'm just not into it no more. I don't have, I'm done. I've already lived too far. We already took down People's Express. I took down People's Express in 84. It's 2020. Yeah.

And MCI. I took down Discover card by myself. I took Discover card. They sent me those checks, those blank checks. Remember what? They would send you the car, but then they say those blank checks, that card was cut up and I still was using those checks. I would show up with a feather with blood, yeah. How much? When I had my painting business, I feel bad. I got to hook these

paint stores just give me paint on credit. Anytime you gave me anything on credit, you never saw me again. You ain't got to see me again. What the fuck is wrong with? At the bar where I went to, they had me on the sign with the absolute deadbeat list

because I was passing bed check. You know, what the fuck? They took them. That was a Sunday. Like Sunday you woke up with no money? I got checks. I got money. You know what I'm saying?

Sunday's a good day to ride a check. Nobody could check them out. You're in there buying fucking. Yeah, give them a couch. Fuck it. This is why they ask for your numbers on the phone now. Fuck you. Let me tell you.

Checks would like money, man. I used to work for this company in Free and Fabio. The guy was a scumbag. He would, he was like a. fucking, he was a carpenter's helper. It was seven bucks an hour. And I would go, and he'd go, oh, the first two hours,

you don't get paid because it's in the call. He would just do douchey things. I still remember a couple times not having lunch money, him not even offering. Like, he just did a bunch of dushy things. And then he was supposed to meet me one fucking Friday. And he never showed up. It was like a $60 check.

I was living with George. I go, George, drive me down to this guy's house. I just kicked the back door. I took his Dom Perignon and fucking... Magnum. I took a bunch of... shit. He had like $180 to go. I took every... George drove

me to a couple places. I said, George, I'll be right back. I just kicked the fucking door done. What I say? No, allegedly it happened. It was 40 years ago. They can't fucking take me to court now. He had a roommate that wouldn't give him 200 bucks. I stole his car stereo and the government check he got.

And cashed it. And cashed it like a motherfucker. I was working for this club, this guy that book rooms, right? This one I first... And he got kicked out of his house. So he had all his shit in his hotel room. Right. And I was working the hotel. He had, he booked the room there. So this motherfucker, after my show, didn't have my money. I went and took his TV, right? Not to hold his TV. And I come home with it. My ex-wife goes, oh, so you're working for a

microwave next week? But that TV lasted eight years. I took his TV. I took this carpenter didn't pay me. I took his saws off, whatever. It's, you know, expensive. Listen, just give my fucking money. I don't want to have to steal your shit. I don't do it now, you know, because I'm getting paid. But back in the day, and even if you did pay me and left shit around, I go, you didn't pay me enough. Dude, I forgot you had a painting business. One of my favorite things to watch online is when they don't pay a contractor and the contractor destroys the shit that they did.

That must feel so good. Well, and I say this on stage, but I was fucked up. I owed, see, what I would do is I would go to the garage sales and I would buy like these old golf clubs for like $5 a set. Rusty old golf clubs. So then I go to a Coke deal. I go, give me a gram on credit. I'll leave my golf clubs as collateral. I said, don't sell my clubs.

So come Friday, I owed everybody in town money and I had an old Dodge pickup truck. So I would have my workers paint my truck with house paint. So I had a different color Derrick boss he had no he had a red truck That's shutter green semi gloss I would paint my touch truck I would paint in different colors every week And then people

I was fucked up This is my life then not now People would pay me You know for Benjamin Moore paint That's good paint And I had to Benjamin Moore cans So I would go buy the five dollar paint and pour it into the Benjamin Moore cans

than show up at the house with Benjamin Moore with shitty painting it. You know, I'm driving away, the house is already peeling and shit. But I made amends to some people, you know, said, I'm sorry. I was back then.

And their house is still shitty. They're still missed the wall. You know, man, I'm thinking of writing a book, another book. And it was, I have a couple of ideas with different books, but one was, and it would be embarrassing. it would be the life of an attic.

Yeah. And some of the shit, you know, I said it all, but there's some shit that you think of and you go, what the fuck was I doing that day? I still remember dumping an ounce of Coke in a bathroom, hotel in Denver. And for hours, kneeling on my hands and knees, just licking the side of the bowl.

And you wonder what the fuck is wrong with me. Underneath, because the water through the cold, up so the coke would turn brown on the toilet and I would just take it and put it in my nose for hours why you dump it you thought somebody was coming okay I was living in Boulder with my girlfriend at the time and I got a call one night she called me she goes your friends are in town they they're at the airport they're waiting for you so I got my car drove to stapled to the airport and when I pulled up the guy's like bro I know who you're looking for those four guerrillas I put them in a cab

I sent them to the strip club, the real popular one. No, no, no, no. This is in Denver. So it's a big one in Denver. And I go, okay, something Charlie's. Something Charlie's. I took the cab. I walked in.

Everybody's dancing to strippers. My four bodies, buddies have a stripper surrounded. They're throwing her up in the air. You know, I'm like, oh, my God. So I'm like, what are you guys doing? They go, we got a hotel across the street. We got four ounces of coke. And I'm like, what the fuck?

and they're bringing strippers over, but he bought a whole block of, there was four of them, and he bought a whole block of hotel rooms upstairs. I don't want to say his name. And fucking, we were up there for like two days, and they got so paranoid, they were hiding the Coke.

You know where you take the tissue paper out of the wall? When you wash your hair, they were taking the tissue out and hiding in there and closing the tissue. So they had six bathrooms with the Coke hidden in those tissue compartments. So, I don't know, we woke up two days later,

and they're like, We got to go back home to North Bergen, and they had like three ounces of Coke. So he goes, take two of them and send us the money. Okay. Yeah, sure. I'll get rid of it. I'll send you the money tomorrow. This will be gone.

And I went back to Boulder, left that ounce in my house, and me and my girl for the time, she drove me to the hotel, and she goes, I have to go back home to do something with my parents. But I'll be back at 11 to spend the night with you and we'll finish doing the Coke. I'm like, okay. I go, stop at a liquor store. It was one in the afternoon. I go up to this hotel room. I'm in there doing coke, watching TV.

And also I'm starting to get paranoid. Like 30 minutes later, and I go, let me look out the window. And it's one car after the other. A car would pull up, and then three minutes later, the car would pull up, and another one would pull up. And I'm like, oh, fuck, they're switching cars on me. And I'm hearing zzz with a drill. And I'm like, holy shit, they're going to put a bug in the wall

to see if I'm doing coke, right? and it's two hours later. I'm sweating profusiously. I'm by the window. And still, the cars are stopping two minutes, and then they take off and another car pulls up. You watch it for two hours? For three hours.

I was paranoid. I was on my hands and knees sweating. Finally, I hear people talking in the hall when I go, fuck this. Oh, no, no, no, no, it gets better. They have a tub of water in the room. You know, every hospital has a little thing of water. I filled it up with water,

and I threw a Coke rock in there to see how long it takes for the Coke to dissolve. and since case a date came in, okay? It was a big Coke rock and like 12 ounces, maybe 16 ounces of water. You're gonna love this, so now I'm still fucking banging it out. I got no shirt on. I got like, you know, like when you order the porn,

but you don't have enough money, so the porn would come in sideways, so you'd have to jerk off on your back and catch like little things. My dick's not getting hard, the whole fucking thing. I'm going through an hour of this, and finally I'm hearing people coming up steps, and I'm like,

The DA is here. I'm looking out the window, cars are pulling up and then pulling away. And I took the fucking, what I had, and I dumped in the toilet, and I flushed the toilet. And I could see the Coke going down. And we were like, and after I dumped it, all the drills stopped. Everything fucking stopped, right? So I'm just staying there for hours, and I'm just licking the coke off the fucking thing. For hours, and the phone, my phone's ringing in the hotel room.

I'm not answering it. And finally, I go, fuck, I'm thirsty. And I go and I grab that water with the Coke rock. Now, I'm talking to myself at this point. I'm so out of it, I'm like, you know, I got to get my life together. I got to go back to church and shit. I drank the water with the Coke in it, and my voice disappeared. I started talking like Mickey Mouse.

So my wife is calling me, who's my girlfriend at the time, she's like, what are you doing? Do you have any Coke left? I'm like, bach, bach, bach. I couldn't talk. So finally I got dressed. About three in the morning, I went downstairs to see if there were cops. It was a fucking ATM machine. Like a drive-thru for like something.

They were pulling up and leaving. I'm like, God damn it. That was like the eighth time. I had dumped an ounce of coat. One time I thought there were dogs out there. When I went out there was fire hydrants. I'm like, oh my God. I thought they were fire.

And Carl, the redneck I was with, kept yelling. They got dogs. We went out to the next day. It was fire hydrants, covered with snow on it. I fucking, one night, I mean, I was so, I smoked all night. I don't know And I stayed at my mom's house And I was getting dressed

But I undressed and I was naked or something And I thought I saw A rat run across a floor I thought So I took a plate of peanut butter And put it in the center of the floor And I made a net out of one of my mother's stockings And a hanger

and I was sitting on the couch half naked holding a stocking that with peanut butter on the floor and my mother walked in she goes rats? No I mean the shit that goes on in your head

I'm so glad that I don't do that shit I'm sure you but I'm on borrowed time I should be dead from the shit I did you know this is

fucking it's amazing that I could sit here, laugh and talk, you know, about some of the crazy shit we used to do. I bought my friends go, get me an eighth of Coke. So I got him an eighth of Coke. And they go, we'll be asleep. Shove it under the door. Shubbed it under the door.

I made five trips going back that night with the fucking hanger, pulling it back. Take a little bit out. Take a little bit out. You know, by the time they woke up, there was maybe, you know, a speck left. You know, I would Man, it's just Coke fucked up Like if there wasn't Coke in the 80s

It was just pot or alcohol Whatever I probably have like a regular life Coke Fucked everything up Like I wouldn't even snort it anymore To me that was like reading a book backwards I'd be at a party, you want to snort it for

What are you wasting it for? Shut the fuck up I don't know to snort it But, you know, after that bottom that I had up in Boston or wherever the fuck I was, it was a bad run, a bad run. You know, I'm thinking about where Nikki lives now. That building was a fucking war zone. And we had friends that lived in that building

that they would get so fucking paranoid that they would tie a string around their wrist and tie the string to the doorknob. so if anybody came in they could hear the wrist and let's even get deeper your friend, God rest of the soul, used to put parachutes on his cocaine because he lived on the 30th floor

so if the cops came in he would throw the coke out the window and they would land down on the floor with little parachutes and he lived on the 30th floor he got so paranoid that he greased his balcony so if you tried to climb through it he would fall off oh, I could fucking die. That's when you're

fucking paranoid. When you grease the balcony so if somebody, it was Spider-Man just happens to be in the fucking neighborhood. Because everybody thought that. You're going to fucking kill him. When you were high, you thought people could climb buildings. Oh my God.

I was in the halfway house and I got a furlough. And my in-law said he could furlough. He could furlough here They were really Catholic So they put me out in the trailer And it was the dead of summer And I went in the house

I stood with them to about 9.30 I couldn't wait I started yawning only 930 I had an 8 ball waiting for me outside With like a case alone bro And it was really good coke It was 80 degrees that night I remember being in there 4 in the morning

And seeing people With white dressed in white With the trees all had snow on them and they had the fucking rope with the machine gun in one hand and they were going down and fucking I'm like oh my god I'm throwing the coke away it fell that day it was all over the floor

so I'm like a Vietnam vet pretty much crawling bumping into an eight rock over there going oh boy there's another one I stayed on the floor for like four fucking hours and then I was and then I stole coke in a halfway house and that's why I really saw paranoid there was a kid that called into the podcast Alejandro Rea. I loved him, Mexican kid.

I would give him an eight ball of Coke, and he would shave for 12 hours. He would do what? Shave. The next day, he wouldn't have no skin left. Like, you could see where all this and all this was fucking, was different than his skin color.

Because he would sit in the back room all night with a towel on with shaving cream, shave and snoring Coke. The fuck. Dude, we've been doing the podcast for like 13 years. I've heard a lot of Coke stories. It doesn't sound like fun. Listen, man

When you're fucking in it, you're in it And you think you're having fun Like it's really, you know, people say What's that definition of insanity? Yeah, doing something over and over With the same results. Expecting different results, yeah. You know, I still remember like buying Coke

just to get paranoid. Like hiding under my bed. I still remember nights when I left three different hotel rooms. Like go to a hotel room, sit down, snort the line and go we got to get out of here and drive a mile to a hotel next door and get another room and sit in there and go we got to get out of here I did all that crazy shit I would I would do it and it'd be three in the morning I'd be sitting outside my mother's part and I would just walk laps around the block to try to walk it off I wouldn't walk inside I walked and you could hear my footstep it was so quiet people are going what's this guy doing walk in the cops cops what are you doing I go just exercise and you know, but you would do it just to come down from it. Like, I'm so glad, you know, you can't, the fact is, if I did it now, I would die with all.

No, me too. That's shitting it? I would just die. I just know that. Well, I have money, too. I just know that I would drink a Budweiser and do a line. First of all, I had the opportunity this year out of the, this, it's going to be 18 years I haven't touched that shit. And last New Year's.

I know when people are doing it. I'm a college. I go in the bathroom and I hear, you know, I know. And it doesn't bother me or affect me or make me relapse or anything. But this last New Year's, I went to a party after New Year's

after New Year's that I wasn't really supposed to be at and I went in there anyway. And they were snorting Coke right in front of me. And I go, you know what? I'm going to sit here and watch this theater. Like people watch me. It's a theater of pain. They don't even know.

That's why, if anybody should have got Academy Award, it's boogie nights when the two chicks are talking in the bedroom. And she goes, do you want to go for a walk? And she goes, so do I. She goes, not really. They're doing it fucking. It was a perfect cocaine conversation. They hit it out.

Julianne Moore. She's having a fucking thing in there with the skinny chick that used to bang that that dude from the store. Heather Graham. Graham. and they're talking and they're doing coke and she goes, let's get out of the house and she goes, let's do it.

And also, I go, no, I don't really want to do it. I'm like, these guys are a good consultant. You know, the scene in boogie nights. Dog, I went to a house one night where there was a fucking white dude that I knew a manager at the improv. And he had a little Chinese gay guy over there with little diapers on and shit.

And I'm like, oh, shit. This is right out of boogie nights. And there was somebody else over there, I'll tell you after the podcast. And I was like, God damn. It's real. It's real. Let me tell you.

It's craziness. It's fucking craziness. I told this story. It's a famous story I told on the radio. My short, short story. So we used to cop from these two gay guys in East or West Orange. They live in the high rise. I'll say Doug and Dickie.

It's on my first album. I told the story on Opian Anthony, Doug and Dickie. So we'd go up there I'm going to use fake names Me, Bill and Tom And every time we go up there like Dickie, the light skin black dude Ask one of them hey come upstairs

I gotta show you something Give them tons of Coke Ask if you could blow them And supposedly they said no right Now I'm going up there week on week Week after week And Dickie's never asking me to go upstairs And I'm starting to get a complex

You know, like, my mom's like, calm down. He'll ask to suck your dick. Give a time. Right? I went up there. I went up there. Remember those basketball shorts for no pockets? Man, I had basketball shorts on, no underwear.

You could see like just my ball bag, right? I'm going, I'm going up tonight. He's like, hey, hey, Tom, you want to go upstairs? Leave their fucking homo down here. Basically. Like, he even. That's how ugly I was that he never invited me upstairs. I poked up gay guy, never even want to suck your dick.

That's not good for the ego, huh? That's not good. Because all you need is a, you should have gave him a whistle. You know, I'm like, gay guys love whistles and shit. Tell him you bloody a little whistle on his muffler. He would have gone fucking a little box. Dude, there's no one who loves gay guys more than Joey, and you invent sexual stuff for them.

how are you going to blow a whistle on someone's asshole? I don't know, but if anybody can figure out, it's a gay man. They're fucking crafty. They'll figure out how to talk you into blowing a whistle. Up your asshole. Listen, somebody talked the Indians into selling New York. You could always talk somebody into doing something creepy at four in the morning when you got a bank book and they don't.

Bad checks, coke, driving. You know, listen, I look. back. I'm glad I did everything I did in life. Me too. Because it put me where I am now. You know what I'm saying? You know, uh, you are where you're at when you're supposed to be there. And, you know, that was just my life. All the shit we did. But we did have fun. After high school, my friends and I, man, we went to parties. We had a good time. And then those good times, well, you know, you leave you leave one set of dudes and then you're hanging with dudes that

do more, then you're with the next level of dudes and next thing you know you're in rehab. Next thing you know, you're like, your mom drops you off in the morning and just walking. I was talking about my divorce and that poor fucking girl.

That girl lived throughout. And one of the things I remember the most is I was supposed to go to our brother's wedding. I was supposed to go to brother's wedding on about a month before this one I was crazy. I bought it. I'm still crazy, but I was real crazy.

Two weeks before that I bought an ounce of Coke that was so good and I was such a junkie that I gave it to a friend of mine to hold this safe. And I said, do not give me this until February, whatever, the day before the wedding. Do not give me this.

Even if I threaten you, do not give it to me. And something happened, I never bothered them. And the day before the wedding, I went over to about three in the afternoon. And I was supposed to take a flight at six in the morning to take me to Denver, and then the car would pick me up and drive me to Boulder for a wedding.

I had a dog then. What was your name? Hercules. I had a dog. And about four in the afternoon, I just started doing a couple lines. One line led to another. About seven o'clock, I said,

I need a cocktail. I went, and I said, I could buy a bottle of tequila, but I'll buy everything now. Case of beer, a case of this. I was by myself, guys. And it was midnight. Then it was five in the morning.

and that dog wanted to go out to pee and I wouldn't let him. I'm like, you ain't going out there. There's the boogeyman's out there, Hercules. And I went straight, like, I didn't go to the wedding, the phone kept ringing. I didn't leave the fucking house. I didn't let the dog out until Saturday at midnight when the cops came.

I was calling the cops on myself. I was like, there's somebody out there, the cops would come around. No many times I called them that night, three times. Every hour in the hour, I call him, there's a Periglar out there. And the last time they came, they're like, Joey, put away the bag. They're like, do you want us to take it and we'll bring it back tomorrow? I'm like, what bag are you talking about?

I had it hidden in the sink so I could hit it with the disposal. And I kept putting my hand in there going, I'm going to lose my fingers. It was fucking terrible. And I still remember like Sunday. I had no coke left, but I'm still trying to masturbate. And I'll tell you what I was watching. I was watching the girl in red with what's her name the pretty girl from the 80s not Kelly.

I mean, this is 1986, so. Kelly LeBrock. Kelly LeBrock shows her monkey for a little split second when what's his name calls her from the window. What's his name, Gene Wilder calls her from the car? She throws the blanket up and gets up and you see her little bush. Oh, second, I figured out how to freeze it on there. I just froze it on that bush, and for 12 hours, I was like,

this has to happen, nothing happened. That's embarrassing. We're trying to jerk off and nothing happens. And if you have Coke, how many times did this happen? You have Coke, and you call a girl, and she's like, I'll be right over. But then you actually jerk off and come, and you're like, I'm not letting her in. Fuck her. She can knock out there all night.

She's out there banging the door. Hurry up. It's me. That's it. I already came. I'm keeping this Coke. I was, I didn't have, this wasn't a Coke, but I was working Rascals. And I picked this girl, rascals down the shore.

There was a club down, ocean town town. And I picked his girl up. So I take her to a diner. I get her a burger, whatever. Not the deluxe, but the burger. And, you know, you don't get fries yet. So then we get in a car and we're making out. She goes, I can't make out in a diner.

So then I pull next door to the car, watch. She goes, what's wrong with you? And there was a hotel across the street, like a, a, uh, crack hotel on the other side so I pull in the hotel there wasn't a car in the parking lot not one car so we're in the car before I go in we started making out and she either blows me or gives me a hand job and I bust the nut I got to be right back so I go in the hotel I walk back I go oh man they're all sold out right she goes there's no cars yeah it's a crack hotel they don't have cars I mean I gave one of my CDs but still but but

When you were into drugs, you get creepy about that shit. There was a chick I really liked before I got married, and I would team up whenever I was doing Coke. But I started to learn her period schedule, so I wouldn't go over there those five days. And she would call me, come over, I'm horny, not tonight. I'm not sharing Coke with you. You're bleeding, bitch.

I'm not going on. With some greedy motherfuckers. I did a podcast with Theo. It's online. And he was talking about it. How many nights he would get coked up, call a hooker, and get so paranoid, he wouldn't let him in. He would slip money out the hole and say, go away.

And then he let one in, and the next day she got sick and he took care of her for a week. And he goes, we're still friends, man. I like her. That's hilarious. That's hilarious. Drugs take you to places that you never think you'd go, like sometimes. And you go and you're like, I'm not going to do that again.

But it wasn't. It was fun. It was fun. It was a fun fucking 20 years for me to build a coach. I loved it. It was fun until I, till it wasn't fun. Yeah, it's not fun anymore.

You know, once you cry. My back started jolting in the middle of all night. I would get these jolts in my back at the end. And I'm like, I'm going to die pretty soon. I was, and that's what stopped me at the end. I had that and my wife. That's why I said, fuck this.

I was at this bar at a film center, 40-cent drafts. I had no I was I had maybe a dollar for two drafts I didn't know how I was getting back home I was fucked up this girl she was I think she was hot she came sat at my table and she goes can I buy you a drink I go yeah she goes well you gotta walk up and get it and she gave me $20 I walked up to the bar

ran out the door and took off and I go it doesn't get any lower than that then I was in like rehab maybe two or three weeks later I mean I just stole the girls $20. And it's, you think, oh, it's only $20. But you can't, you're like, you got no money. You've got to figure out a way to get high, you know. I snatched some shit out of his dude's hand.

He punched me twice in the head. Next thing you know, I threw it in the pipe. It was soap. You know, what the fuck you hit me over soap for? Don't rip me off when I'm ripping you off. What the fuck is that about? I know. But it's, let me tell you.

something. It's there's no good ending. No. There's no good ending to that shit. No good ending. And you know, look, when he started, he had hair. I had a lot of things. Brain cells.

But it's, I gotta be honest, though. I don't, I get paranoid. Like, that's why I like wheat is because it shuts off. Like, people say they get paranoid and edible. I really don't. You like weed? Oh, I hate it. It made me paranoid.

I don't get paranoid. I'm anxious about everything all the time. So, like, the idea of doing drugs to make me more anxious, I would have been dead. There's not a chance. When you eat pushy, do you feel like you have a full head of hair? I put my head against it in the back. You look up and go, damn, man, this is what I would look like. Dude, when you were talking about the afros you had,

when I had hair, I didn't do shit. I had a buzz cut for my whole life. I was so jealous of, of, I wish I did everything. I wish I did the perm. What did you call it? The shag? Oh, the shag, man. The jubra, whatever.

I never had shit. I had a cow lick. I had the worst hair. You know what's funny? Like, and this is anything in life, it's all start-top, fun, and dandy. You know. Yeah.

After a while, just used this, you know, and I ended up in prison over it. It's not something I kept doing. Putting a gun to somebody's head. I ended up in prison over it. But the funny thing is that I stopped doing it when I was 44 years old, and it's so weird how I did more from the age of 44 to 62 than I ever did before that. In your life, you mean? So I could imagine if I wouldn't have dunked coke.

So that's why I tell people now. You know what, man, don't even fucking do it. Just smoke your reefer. Nobody ever went to prison over refa. Well, not now. No, but nobody went to prison because they smoked too much refa. Nobody goes to the hospital because they smoke too much. They may have that.

Lisa's over there. She's about to say, yeah, but they have lung infections. I don't give a fuck. Oh, shit. That's not what I'm talking about. You know what I mean. You know, it's like, and so far in my world, I've been smoking it for 50 years. It's safe.

It's safe. it's definitely the safest one he's showing us you're a handsome guy you're like bon Jovi's drummer look at you with a little shag like bon Jovi's organ player I'll have you send that to me

and then I'll put it in the podcast huh if you want you can send it to me we can put that in you know and it's weird to think about addictions and shit like I was thinking I thought about this yesterday and the shot when it fucked me up yesterday when I was thinking about Mother's Day

and I'm like you know man I've been in prison, you know, I lost a daughter. I've had a lot of heartache. And comedy is rough, you know. It's really rough what we do. I think the roughest thing was getting up for 45 years without having a mother. You know, that's been the roughest thing I've ever done in my life.

You know, like it just never goes away that pain. So if I could outlive that, I can fucking do anything. So I'm happy I stopped doing all that shit. And now I just smoked my reefer. I giggle like a fagg. You know, I eat mushrooms from time to time. I giggle like a fag, you know, and I enjoy it. It's better than feeling the way I used to feel before.

And I never liked alcohol either. I can't just drink alcohol. That shit's garbage. Got me sick. I can't do it. I never really liked the feeling at the end. So I was never close from my parents, but that taught me to be close with my kids.

Like my, every day, I watched my kids. Like, I had them in the day. My ex-wife had them at night. Then when I turned 40, they went off to school. You know, and I didn't watch them anymore until like 3 o'clock. So all day long, I was bouncing off of fucking walls, you know, because, you know, I had my kids,

and my daughter's going off to college now, you know. I'm not going to bounce off the walls now, but still. You're pretty calm for having a daughter going to go. But you already done this. You like that ad, the first kid, the mother's wiping down the kid. Second kid, the kid's rolling in shit, and she just gives them a fucking, you know, once you lived it, it's pretty easy. This is my first shot. Yeah.

It's, you know, it's just scary. It's just scary the way your kid could end up if you make. Like, I was watching a movie the other day and it was a criminal movie. These guys are criminal, and they're leaving in the daytime with, like, kids in the house, 10, 8. when I was a criminal, the best thing about your life is you don't know if you're coming home for dinner. You just don't know. You know, I can't imagine getting arrested now and calling my daughter and going, I'm not going to be home for a month until my bail gets low.

That's fucking insane. Like, I couldn't even imagine that. So many kids now grow up like that, though. You know, I mean, they're, what the fuck? I couldn't, I don't know. I don't know what I was going to say, but it was good. I had some serious fucking. I'm happy that.

When you do what we do, when you do it at any time, anybody does, you've realized that you get busy and I get it with parents that make a lot of money and shit. And then they start getting nannies. You know what, man? I always want to be there. And I'm happy now I could be at the soapball games I wait for her at 2.45

That means the world to me. For me to be home when she gets off the bus and I'm outside. I'm out inside fanning my pussy. I'm out there with attention looking at that bus driver going, thank you, cock sucker. And I make a sit outside

and talk to me for a minute and check the mail. You know, I put it through all that shit. And I tell my wife, I go, I don't want to go home. The time I got in trouble was when I would go home of my parents would be home because I would look.

I would peep, you know, look, and you find shit that you're not supposed to find. And I don't want her to go through that. So come home at 2.45, feed the fucking cat, eat your fucking lunch or the late lunch and do your homework. And I sit downstairs, and if she needs help with the homework, I go upstairs

until my wife gets home. And I fucking enjoy it. I'd rather do that than going to the city and do a podcast and gig her with a bunch of jerkoffs. I'd rather do that I listen You know I go on the road I come home I'm I don't go

New York what So I can sit around With some woke motherfuckers Shut the fuck up I used to drive back After a gig On a Saturday night From like Boston or D.C.

To go to a game on Sunday You know And I'm not trying to say Let me tell you something If I'm lying Let a microphone break Where you at this week rich this week I'm at Uncle Vinnie's

I got a lot of shit coming up right now but let's focus on this week because Vinnie's needs a lot of fucking help so Friday and Saturday you're at Uncle Vinny that's all you need to promote because I see it all the time well I'm in Connecticut in September

nobody gives a fuck nobody no I'm gonna remember Uncle Vinnie's 9 o'clock Friday Saturday and Sunday fucking no Friday and Saturday two shows that's it Point Pleasant Lee where you at

I'm at Rodney's on Wednesday and I'm with you on Saturday. And you're with me Thursday. Oh, at the dojo? Yeah. I didn't know about, I don't. Well, guess where I am Thursday? Friday, I'm with Rich.

I'm going to go down there fucking around Rich. And Saturday I'm in Philadelphia. At Park Casino, it sold out so don't even bother. I'm coming to a Dojo Thursday. All right. I'll catch you in August, cock suckers. You're going. That's the next show at the parks.

Oh, yeah? It sold out. That was fucking great when we worked there. Fuck, yeah. That fucking spray day putting up. Fuck that food? They don't fuck around parks. Parks is a high-level organization. I support them to the utmost.

That's great. I support the city of Philadelphia. I like people who got no class. And I got no class either. So it works for each other. We got no class. Nobody has to hide shit. I don't have to drive down there

and make-believe them somebody. I'm just a Philly dirt bag. I'm going to go down there and go to Merlino's cheese steaks, eat some of that gangster shit on Saturday. And that's it. From there, I'm going to shoot over, do the show. And I'm 42 minutes of, And we added a special guest, Rachel Feinstein will be there Saturday night.

Nice. So we're rocking the motherfucking house. She's funny. She's funny and she's a good egg. She's a very good egg. I'm happy you came on today, cuck-sucker. I used to park cars at the London house in Denver. At Denver?

In Denver when I lived in Denver. I never knew you lived in Denver. Just for two months and then I couldn't get any Coke so I came back home. You should have gone out to Boulders where you get Boulders. You know what I'm saying? Thank you for coming on, brother. Thank you for having me. Thank you, Lee, Cocksucker.

You're okay today. I only made you take like 300, so this is the zone now. This is the zone. So we get more ABX is next week. I can't wait. All right. Stay black. Have a great week, and I'm going to thank our sponsors for always having our back.

Love you.