The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - This could only happen to me

Episode Date: February 4, 2025

Joey Diaz goes off on The Grammy's, the medical system, why he puts himself in time out and so much more! Support the show and get 15% off your VIIA order, plus a free gift for new customers. Use code JOEY at https://viia.co/JOEY Support the show and get your first month of BlueChew free at https://www.bluechew.com Support the show by downloading the DraftKings Sportsbook app and using code JOEY. New customers can bet $5 to get $200 in bonus bets instantly.

What's happening, beautiful people? Uncle Joey, Lee Syatt here for the church of what's happening now. The new, what is it? Testament, that's what it is. It's Tuesday, February the 4th. It's a whole new month with a whole new set of rules. Get your shit together. Let's get this party started on a Tuesday morning.

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It's good to see you. It's been a fun. It's been a busy couple of weeks, Jesus Christ. It is what it is. Hospitals, fucking, you know, I've been everywhere. Edibles. Dude, I found a bottle of the old ABXs at my mom's house. I feel like they get stronger if you just leave them around.

They do get... You know, my brother in Jackson still has stars, and he's got him in his freezer. Really? And he still eats him from time to time. He goes, he gets fucked up. He says, I gave him like a bag of those. Big purple ones.

Right. 200s, he saved them. And you never save anything. You don't have, like, any, like, a safe anywhere with, like, your favorite of anything? I try. What do you mean you try? You try, you know. I got a bag of weed that's really good. Right.

I'll split it and a half and I'll put it away. And I'll go to the weed store next day and get another bag of it. But I always have that put away. What happens is after I smoked another eighth, when I go back to this, I'm done. Like two weeks later. My tolerance goes out.

Right. So that eighth I put away is fucking null and void because I already smoked four grams of it. Right. But can't you save it for like six months and then break it out? No. In case of fire. You got to do what you got to do. You know what I'm saying? I ain't much of a save. I started out as like a saver. Like you try, but I did Coke for 27 years. That shit never get saved. I'm going to save this for my wedding. Fuck you. We're doing that right. And I tried. I had friends that go, I buy a gram of Coke and do a line and I put the rest in the refrigerator.

Yeah, okay. Good for you. That don't work for me. No. You never see the cat. No. I save, I'm such a fuck. I hoard everything. I horrible, when I left LA, probably had like a hundred of those free joints that they would give you. Those bad breath joints? Oh, my God.

Is that what you call them? That's it. They don't do nothing but give you bad breath. And everybody's like, I got a free J. Listen, throw that J away. There ain't nothing in that J but sticks and stems. You know, what people got to realize when you got to pound the weed in L.A., like when we lived there.

Right. I don't know what they do now. they would take that weed, break it up into little buds, and then shake the keef out of it. That's the first thing that's done. They shake the keef out of it. Right. All right.

Then they take it, and they put the buds that they could sell or whatever. And then you got a bunch of shit. And they'll fucking... How many times did I go to Kushmore and buy it? The shake for 20 bucks. Like, single eye? I mean, at that time, it was like $100 for an eighth, for a quarter, and for $25 bucks,

they'd give you three grams of shake. and it was the same weed, you know, but they'd sell shake, then they'd take those stems that you're not going to use, and they grind those up in one of those espresso machines with the shitty weed that's in the bottom, and they were all free joints for you. But they mix it with everything else, every other salamalanca fucking weed that they had. Right. So by the time you get, I don't even smoke those. I'm going to be honest with you.

Pre-roll, don't do it for me. I go to a weed store and go, give me the pre-roll that fucking killed the, you know, Kennedy, and they'll fucking give me the... Oh, this has stars in it, African toenails, high-level weed, it's been dipped in weed, honey. I go home and nothing fucking happens. You know what happens? I cough my fucking brains out with that garbage.

So I like looking at the weed, like people say to me, look, well, don't you buy pre-rolls? I'm like, no. First off, I want to look at that weed. I want to feel it. I want to fucking... I want it to become one. You know what I'm saying?

These kids today, anybody today, they don't do that. But you can't, at least, like in Massachusetts or even anywhere in New York, they're all like pre-packaged. You can't smell weed anywhere. Can you? No. But you have an idea. I go on the website and I go to the company. And I have an idea.

When I go into a weed store, I don't go in there to take their advice. I go up there with my own advice because they're smoking salmolamalanca wheat. And then they were trying to, well, this tastes good. Like I went somewhere the other day. And the girl's like, I got this tremendous indica, 25% I go look like, put that away. Put that away. They ain't going to do nothing for that. And then they start with the turpines.

Right. I ain't got no time for these hoes. I just don't. I just don't. So I go in there prepared because they'll start throwing different brands at you. Shit that's on sale or shit that looks pretty or it tastes like a life save. I've got no time for that shit. Dude, do you ever like just tell them to be quiet?

Who? The dispensary people? No, I just. You let them. finish their sales page? First of all, I'm fucking deaf. So they can talk to their fucking mind's content. And I'm a professional. I don't know to turn

this ear off or turn this ear off. You turn your earbuds off? No, not the earbuds, the ear drum. Oh, okay. I said, I thought you, didn't you used to have the, whatever it's called, the ear? Yeah, the hearing aids. But they're 2,800 a piece. Oh. And during fucking COVID,

you had to wear the mask and they'd fling off. You know, at 2800. I'm walking around like the man with one fucking earpiece. Forget it. They're in my shaving kit. I don't even bother putting those things on. No? They got a new thing that you put on your phone and you put air buds in.

Oh, just like the airbags. It's a app that you could have and people think you listen to music. But again, what's going on in the world right now? I don't want to listen to half this shit. No? You know what I'm saying? Like, you're just like, ah, what the fuck is going on? I had a very interesting weekend.

Okay. It's a little bit ominous. No, but I always have a great weekend. It was to do with my daughter. Okay. She was getting into albums. Vinyl. So, I gave her my record player, but we couldn't figure out the other shit.

I said, don't worry about it. I ended up going to Coles, and there was a little fucking stereo on sale at Coles for a buck 40 with speakers, the whole thing. I got it for her. We gave her some albums for Christmas. I grew up there the other night, and she's listening to the album. and she's opening them you know like we did and reading the fucking and dad look at this poster

they sent me and this and that and I'm like wow and I'm looking at all this and the whole time I'm like but she doesn't know what that album is really for it's to roll joints and the seeds would roll into the middle when we were kids I don't think it's for that

I don't think it's for that unless you're a half a fag and you want to look at the picture of a guy holding on to lightning that's not what it's there for You know what I'm saying? No. No. In fact, I bought some of those albums in Burbank.

Like, if you look at my own collection, like half of them I bought in Burbank at that one store. There was a couple times I bought albums, double albums. There was still fucking seeds or rolling paper. And I'm like, this is a good fucking album. Okay. So, but what, Jesus Christ. So what is she into now?

So, excuse me. She sent to Billy Irish Which the one album Ain't bad She plays in the car And I'm like, this ain't fucking that bad You know But the other shit is kind of weird

Chaparral Which is good but not really You know And something else So she says to me Sunday Can we go So we've been looking

For an album shop And you know Vinyl records The shops are going Out of business Another one went out of business And Summit It's been open for 70 fucking years.

Damn. And it's closing this week. So I don't know what's going on. People aren't buying binails at the stores. They're going online, and now that fucking Amazon and... eBay? No, Amazon and Borders Books, whatever. Oh, okay.

What's the book company? Barnes & Noble sell albums. But they sell like the Beatles. They'll sell Soundgarden, super unknown, but you're not going to find, like, a live album in there. You're not going to find... It's a repress. It's not the old original ones.

Yeah, they're all reprints. Half of these things you're buying are reprints. Anyway, we find a place in Red Bank, which is fucking dynamite. If you haven't been to Red Bank, New Jersey, that is a cool fucking town. And my friend is the chef there, but he didn't work Sunday, that cuck sucker. Because he has, oh, my God, char. That motherfucker, Phil, chef Phil. He makes these little, it's beef and potatoes.

Did you have that? with It's these little fucking pieces of meat over the... Oh, my God. And you get the yellowfin sushi, but he makes it differently? Oh, my God. And the dessert?

Look at Lee's already melting. I saw a crab hands. No, that's not the place. No, Jesus Christ. Now, thank God. So I took it to this fucking record store, and it was great. They had great stuff in there.

She's over here, over there, and I realized I got no fucking wallet. But I can't. She drops 200 in this record store Like on six albums Damn We go home She's playing the album

She's having a great time I went upstairs to watch it She's a fucking 12 year old kid guys So now the Grammys are on last night And she's like dad The Grammys are on I'm like okay You can watch them upstairs

I didn't watch no fucking Grammys tonight I'd rather watch the wire Anything but the fucking Grammys You know So I hear her up there yelling Yeah Yay, yay. And all of a sudden at some point I would go, you know, yay.

And I go, what's you yelling about to my wife? My wife's on the couch half asleep. And I put on Channel 4 and Chaparone one. And she's a big Chaparone fan. Oh, my God. When that girl stood up, I thought it was something out of a horror movie. She looked like a fucking witch. Oh, no.

And I'm not here to say nothing bad about nobody. You know, I get it. They try to stick out at the Grammys or whatever. I mean, it was just fucking not good. And she got up, and then she got the award, and she's up there. Listen, I'm from the fucking... That dude's school. Get your award, thank your God, and get the fuck out of here.

Save your political statements for your little fucking white friends at a party. Chaparone starts going off about it. When I was a starving artist and, you know, shut the fuck up. And then, like, ten minutes later, I went to the back, and I left it on. It was Lady Gaga with a fucking haircut. She got from a blind dude. Some blind dude cut a hair with a fucking bowl.

You work millions of dollars. Who cut your hair like this? You know, they try to be different, this fucking thing. And it's a wig with some idiot cut it for them. Trust me. At the end of the day, that's a wig. She's out there, like, you know, she gets the award and right away, you know, trans people are alive.

Listen, again, this isn't a political... This ain't no political show. You got a black dude with a little hat on. I mean, I've never seen anything like that. Black people were off the hook. They were off the hook. But the guy who stole the show was Kanye West. Did you see that?

He showed up with him. And the wife turned around. He's still like one of the security guards from public enemy and shit. She turned around, dropped the mint naked. At the Grammys? At the Grammys. With like a little bodysuit on,

but the monkey was right there. Did she even win anything? Or why was she naked? No, she was just there, Kanye. They didn't even go to Grammys. they got right in the car and left. Oh, this is it on the red carpet? Yeah, she went and showed that little beaver.

It was shaved to the teeth. Didn't they get, I think they got kicked out of Amsterdam or something, like she was blowing him on a boat in public? Like recently, within the last year. Trust me, if you're blowing somebody out of boat, then I got to throw you out of Amsterdam. Well, no, it was outside. Huh?

It was like on top of the boat. It wasn't inside the boat. They got hookers. They got fucking flying brownies. You can't get blown in the middle of the day. Who said? Apparently Amsterdam. No, listen.

Some people are just so lucky. If I get a blowjob outside under the sun, I'll take the ticket. Right or wrong. I'll take the felony. What, you want to hit me with a sexual harassment? Then they'll make you a sexual predator. Yeah. Because you got your dick sucked around the corner from the school.

Everybody knows that's where to get your dick sucked around the corner from the school. That's the best place, right? The kids are all in school. There's a pizza place. The bathroom's open. It's a little dirty. The fucking floor's a little dirty, but suck it. Yeah.

You wanted the pizza. Right. And you're not going to be on the floor. No. So I just had to call my daughter. Mercy come down here. And I had to read it a ride. I think, Mercy, you can't dress like this chaparote.

And she's like, well, Dad, people could do whatever the fuck they want. I agree with you. But nothing, Montbrough, New Jersey. When I'm wearing those crazy outfits and all that little faggy speech, let me tell you what that faggy speech is, okay? All those little faggy speeches, at the end of the day, they don't care about anything. Those people don't care about anything.

They just talk to talk. And for you people who believe those fucking idiots, you should be shot and hung. Shot and hung and put under the fucking cemetery. That's how stupid you are. Those people don't care about anything. The reason why they utter those words is so some other wench comes up to her and says,

you're so brave. Listen, if you were so brave, how come you weren't fighting those fires in Malibu two weeks ago? That's brave right there. You know what I'm saying, guys? Like enough with this. And that's what I put up with for 23 fucking years.

That kind of behavior where, you know, let me, you know, who fucking shows up with a naked woman? I love it. I mean, if you're going to show up, show up with a naked bitch. You know what I'm saying? That's as smart as it comes. You want people's attention? You show up with a hot freak and like, go, yo!

And let her drop her jacket at a Cuban restaurant, salute them and walk out. They're like, what the fuck was that? In fact, I've been thinking about it. Get me like one of these Japanese girls that don't speak English. Instead of joining only fans, I'm 500. Just come to the restaurant with me. Five hundred.

Take the jacket off. Fucking pick a hair off and throw it in somebody's dinner and then just walk out. Because those Japanese women got those little long hairy bushes. Right. You just take that hair. It's like you can use it for a... What do they use the... Floss?

Just take it and throw it out. No man is going to say, hey, she threw pussy hair on my food. Unless he's a half a fucking fag, right? Right. Everybody will eat a piece of pussy hair. Who hasn't? I don't give a fuck who. Yeah.

That's what I'm saying. How do you think he convinced her to take her clothes off on TV? Like that, like, I understand if you want to take your clothes off. How do you convince someone else to take their clothes off? I don't know, Lee. I don't know, but you could do it. Apparently. There's a lot of people out there.

There's a lot of women out there that if you go, what if I could get you on the, I just want to be seen. I want to be heard. Okay. I'm going to the Grammys. What you do is. put on a mink with nothing underneath. And walk the red carpet me and drop that motherfucker.

And then I'll drop a pencil and bend over backwards to pick it up. Because the couple reporters were actually zooming on a pussy. That picture's going to come out. Those aren't the white ones are like, oh my God, she's naked, duh. The smart ones said, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Nobody cares about the titties. Nobody cares about the hairdo and nobody cares about Kanye. Zero in on that fucking monkey.

Did you see that thing? It was cute. No, I missed it. Yeah, but you better get your shit. together. Then why is that not like headline news? I didn't see anything about that today. Well, you're not supposed to leave.

I would like to. You know what I'm saying? It's one of those things that you didn't see it, but you saw it. Jesus. If your girlfriend says, did you see Kanye with his naked girlfriend? Me? Never. And you're with the boys. Fuck you! I shot a little dirty snatch. Jesus. Can you imagine how much you think those pictures would go for? If they actually got one of

I'm ever naked. What am I TMZ now? I don't know. I don't fucking know. That's a fucked up job. Would you ever do that? What? I think it'd be a pretty good, what is it called?

What other photographers called? Paparazzi. I wouldn't do that shit. No? No, no, another life? Not even another life. Okay. I think it's disgusting.

You've seen them. I've never dealt with them. You've seen how they behave. Yeah, I've seen how they behave for sure. And they torment you. They torment you into doing something. And now they got you on camera. They want you to crack them in the fucking head.

They want you to punch them in the face. I used to go to a... What else? Things were that? Farmers Market. In Studio City. They had like a little fucking... A little cage, and the kids could touch... A fucking sheep and, you know,

a little half-a-fag amusement park. But they had the best fucking tamales. And next to that, there was a Mexican family who made Hugo's naturalis. Really? which was the natural juices. They'd make strawberry with milk and a little bit of cinnamon in that

motherfucker and whip it up. Oh my God. I was there every Sunday with my wife. If I wasn't on the road, I'd go every Sunday for that place. And I saw them get into a fight with the black dude from Sons of Anarchy. He was also on Lost.

Oh, the head black bikeer gang guy? The bald dude? No. The one season five where they kill his daughter Oh shit Yeah Damon Pope

And I saw him having it out And I saw somebody else up there Having it out a woman Having it out And then One day they started fucking with me And they called me big pussy And all this shit

And I'm like I'm not gonna say nothing to this dude But when I got to the car The guy followed me to the call Really I got my wife and my daughter He's gonna follow me to the car Well let them say big pussy And I just went at the fucking guy

My wife got mad. We had to leave in a hurry. I almost hit him with the car and shit. That was the end of that. I never went back up after that. And then they signed like a law against them. Really? Yeah.

But they're everywhere. They're like at the... They would hang out at Jerry's Deli at night. With the one attached to the bowling alley? No. The one that was in Beverly Hills. Oh, okay. They closed it.

They would hang out there. They would hang out at the improv. Like, I would see the camera and go, I'm going the other way. TMZ would hang out up there and ask the comedian's questions. I don't want to talk to those people. Did you see some comedians, like, walking towards them on purpose? Like, getting ready to be interviewed? Oh, yeah.

They can't wait. I don't want to be on TMZ fucking. What are you doing out tonight? I don't know. People tell you, listen. They ain't nothing to talk about. No. No, I'm from the Led Zeper.

school. No fucking faggy interviews, no television appearances. Nothing anybody ever calls me. But still, I don't want to do any of that stuff. I don't even want to go to weddings anymore. I made up my mind like two months ago. I'm like, because I was getting all these invites to weddings, and I'm like, these people have no fucking idea.

There's nothing I hate more than a fucking wedding. To sit there and make believe I'm happy, I'm not happy. It's Saturday. There's got to be something going on. Nebraska's playing somebody, right? There's something going on. and I got to sit here for four hours. That's what you're trying to tell me.

Right. And I'm going to be back here in two years because you're going to divorce the fat fuck. And then I'm back here. And I'm a positive guy, but seriously. Right. Seriously. How many times have you been sitting in a wedding

after three hours? You're like, these bitch is going to fucking leave him for a long time. It's a long time. They take a lot out of your. Weddings are demanding now. It's just not sure up at the BFW. My mother's cooking something at the house later on. it's extravagance and pigeons and you know

fuck you fuck you the only way I would give my wife a pigeon is if I sent it to the hospital and she was a virginized virgin like approved like pussy's tight muffler's tight but anything slipping after that like she had a little encounter when she was 18 listen

the pigeons are out the white dress is out we're going in there don't even invite your family you're a whore don't even invite them for what are you're going to invite them for You dirty bastard. You ever go to a wedding and like you fuck the chick that's getting married

and you got to sit at the table and go, this is, this is terrible. You went to a wedding of someone who you fucked the bride? Well, she invited me to her wedding.

Why would she invite you to her wedding? Because white women are fucking creepy and crazy. They want to sit there. Hey, we used to date each other. Oh my God. That's so cool. Meanwhile, you're looking at it going,

I used to take it out of your ass and come on your face and your poor boyfriend, this guy, this insurance salesman, white socks. He don't do that thing. Where do I see the connection?

Where's the fucking connection here? When I lived in Boulder, they all got together. We dated for eight years. Eight years, he did everything to her. Right. He looked a pussy on fire. He knocked her up. She had an abortion.

They left the half a leg in there. You know? You know? What do you want to talk about? Eight years. They didn't marry her. Eight fucking years. These people want to get together and chit chat.

About what? Fuck that. About what? What the fuck we got to chit chat about? I can't. And now, I mean, I know we've talked about it forever about you traveling to weddings, but after this week, could you imagine getting an invitation to a wedding that you have to fly to? That's not happening.

That's crazy. Three hours to a wedding, you're definitely not going to see me. If the wedding is not Marlboro on a Tuesday, because I don't want to go on a Saturday. Saturdays are the best day in a week. You're going to ruin it? But who has a wedding on a Tuesday? Well, get it together. It's the new best day to have a wedding.

I got married on a Wednesday. I wanted to get all the odds. And it was great. Fuck them. Wednesday before Thanksgiving. No presents. Don't get dressed up. Just show up, eat, and get the fuck out.

And it worked out just fine. I was very happy. No pressure. Right? When you go to wedding, you got all this pressure on you. I got a, that she already. to get the toaster?

You know, does she have it? Is a fallen law going to give it to her? It's always pressure. You got to go get a belt, right? Then you have to go to a wedding, George. I have to go get a belt. Yeah. Now?

We need to use a fucking belt. You know what I'm saying? I got to go shopping for a fucking belt to sit in a church and then make believe like a... There's a beautiful church. No, and it's not. Then you've got to say lies.

You got to lie all day. This is a very beautiful church. Oh, yes. 1800 than Napoleon's. And you'd rather be home watching football? I'd rather be home stabbing my eyeball to death with a pencil. And then you've got to go to a reception. And that's always fun, but the food sucks.

And they always put you at a table with some fucking hillbilly that you don't even know. You know what I'm saying? Like some aunt that flew in from Wyoming, she's picking the toes at the table. And you've got to sit there. No, listen, leave me at home. I'll send you a nice envelope

and you can knock yourself to fuck out. I was just at a, like, a casino in, like, the middle of nowhere this weekend. That was, I, you think you've seen everything, and then you see someone like, like, I saw, I think, like, three women with, like, I'm not talking about trans women. I'm talking about women with beards this weekend. Were they guys with beards? No, no.

And it was just women that let themselves go. That just haven't, yeah. They just had a couple. They were fully, they just had a couple of, like, really long hairs. Now, let's put, let me add. Let's back it up. Right. Did they have one of those watch on their face with their hair?

Not this one. I've seen that one before, like a little mole and it's like around the mole. Where were you? I was in Springfield, Massachusetts. Well, next time you go up there, bring raises for sale, after the show. Right? You'll sell a thousand raises. Fucking, what's that thing?

Mo, mum, what's that spot? You put all over your. body and it don't stink. Deodorant? Yeah, there's a new deodorant that you can put anywhere. Oh, okay. Under your tithies, under your feet,

your armpits, you're fucking behind your knees. Oh. Dude. You smell behind your knees? Not a good fucking day. You smell behind your knees? You have to.

You have to check everything before you take a shower. Wait, no, you have to make sure you're clean, but I don't, I've never smelled. I've smelled, I've smelled, I've smelled that. But I've never, like, rub behind my knee and smelled my knee things. Client once in a while. I don't know.

I'm okay. Do I just wash it with the aloofa? Okay. You wash your toes and everything? Dude, I got my, I got a pedicure for the first time. Oh, they must have loved it. Oh. Are they Chinese?

They fixed the Uxswitz's toe. I don't know what they were. Well, were they in the Chinese category? They were. They were in that category for sure. They were like sun tan? They were like a little dark skin? No, not not too, not dark.

But they were Asian. And they just, they went at for years, you call it. called my right big toe, the Auschwitz toe, because it went through my ghee, and I think it stabbed you a little bit. But they put some shit on it, and then they cheese-grated it. That shit was crazy.

I've never had that done before. But the cheese grater? Yeah. Did you save the powder? No, it isn't. What do you mean? Can you imagine asking that poor lady to save the powder?

Just tell it, you know, my religious... I need to save the powder from the fucking toenails. I love... Listen, my fungi toenet, I put like a little black paper and I scoop it up.

It's like a gram or two, and I put in a little bindle, and I save it for the mushrooms, and sometimes I sprinkle on the reef. Jesus, speaking of people losing their mind, have you seen that lady in Pakistan? That lady, that black lady from America who just, like, went up. She's like 40, 50 something, has kids and a husband in America, like, lost her mind and, like, went and met this dude, this 19-year-old in Pakistan, went over there to try to marry him, and he, like, won't answer the door. she's holding news conferences

in the middle of back with like baby powder on her face talking she wants like 5,000 a week from Pakistan And that's the same chick That gave Brad Pitt the money Oh really? I don't know

That dumb bitch gave her Some Brad Pitt Called her from the hospital With an AI picture So I need $800,000 She left the husband And sent $800,000 Like

Yeah I've seen a bunch of those My son man what is going to fuck on? And this poor lady, is she attracted her? No. Oh, okay, then. No.

She gets what she deserved. She flew across fucking countries to go to Pakistan. Yep. Not fucking Dubai or not Brazil or not somewhere fucking cool. She goes over there where God knows what's going on in Pakistan, and the poor bastard won't open up the fucking door. Well, you know, I know a lot of guys that have done that, but not in Pakistan.

Really? The campus woman? bitches come off from Jersey and New York. We don't know you. Oh, no. I had a couple, only one woman once. And it was, like, you know how I made the bed? One of the stupider ones I had, I had a woman hit me up at, like, midnight, and I took a shower

before I left. And by the time I got there, I don't know if she was looking out of the window and didn't like me, or fell asleep or had a different guy over there. But, like, I was pacing on the block for, like, 10 minutes. because I wanted to get laid but then I was like, wait, this is like how people you go to jail if you're just waiting for something

if you're like waiting like walking up and down a block so I just left. But she like, text me, text me and then in that 20 minutes to take a shower changed her mind or something. It was the worst. No, why are you looking at me like that? I have no idea what to say to that.

You never, dude, what do you mean? You've no idea what do you have? You've never had a girl, like, disappear, nothing? Let a girl disappear? Yeah, like, she never at a club would, like, come over, and then he went to end. She went into the doorbell or anything, no? Come again?

Like, I don't know, at a club. Like, you ever meet someone at a club? Well, you never really did online dating, though. No. So, but at, like, at a club, you never had, like, a woman, say, come over and then change her mind or do anything like that? Strippers, at Dennis.

Strippers always go meet me at Denny's. And you're in there eating flapjacks for two hours wait For two hours Telling to Telling your friends she's going to show Oh my God I did it once I'm not gonna lie to you I did it one time I waited for a stripper

And she didn't show But let me tell you the fucking adventure This fucking stripper She got a hold to me a few days later I have no idea how I didn't even have a fucking pay phone I didn't even have a phone I had a pager

It was 91 I had just gotten separated. Two months then, I go to the bus stop one night, and she's beautiful. And we're talking, and I go, you want to meet the Denny's? And she's like, yeah, sure.

And she's like, yeah, sure. You know, I'll meet you, Denny's, and then she didn't show. Like two days later, she fucking got my patron, and page me. She goes, are we still going to meet? And I'm going to go, yeah, we'll meet, whatever.

What do you want to do? And she goes, I want to go to dinner. And these days, I had no money. I was just living off credit cards or whatever I could. I'm like, all right, you want to go to dinner? And next thing you fucking know, I got a call from my ex-wife. We're not even fucking divorced yet. And she goes, there's a girl sitting in my chair getting a haircut

that she's going to go on a date with you tonight. This can only happen to me. That was the end after that. Like, I... How did they feel? fine. It was just random they went to your ex-wife's salon? The what? It was just random that they went to your ex-wife salon? It was fucking as random as...

And that could only happen to you. That's crazy. That could only happen to me. And I had to go up there. When I got there, they were arguing. Oh, your ex-wife got mad? Yeah. And meanwhile, she's living with a dude. This is my fucking world. And then I threw the girl out. I said, come on, we got to go. trust me, I took her out that night it didn't matter and then uh and then fucking

I took her out a couple times she was dynamite but that's what she did to me that night that fucking girl fuck my shit up who the fuck walks into a chair that belongs to your ex-wife and says I'm going out with a fucking

comedian tonight or some fucking shit Jesus Christ and what did your ex-wife do She was pissed You know It was a long time ago Fucking my agents now

I just was watching I don't know how I found it last night But I saw that clip Last of Whatever his name is That joke I don't have a girlfriend But I have a woman

Who'd be very upset if she heard me say that What's his name? I'm not sure God damn it It doesn't matter Everyone He's a one line comic and a fucking great joke.

I don't fucking know. Listen, I'm just fucking happy that, you know, man, I don't know what's going on with me. Today I had to yell at the doctor. You had to yell at the doctor? I had to go off today. Why? Once and for all.

Because, dog, it's 2000, it's 2,000 fucking questions every time you call the doctor. You know, now, I was in the hospital for five fucking days. Do you know me fucking questions they ask? And I would tell them, please don't ask me. If you don't see my wife here, make believe.

I'm not going to know. Fuck that. Three minutes later, are you on biaseopine at the house? I have no fucking idea. That's my wife's number. Call her. She'll tell you every medication I'm on, when I take it, the whole fucking deal, okay? I get out of the hospital, and I call my main fucking doctor, the main, my escavito.

I love her. Filipino lover. Thoreau takes a time. Fucking amazing. I got out of the hospital, whatever. On Wednesday, I called the Wednesday afternoon. Can I come in to see you? I got out of the hospital.

Yeah, I got the report. Yeah, I want to see you. Okay. How about March 18th? I'm like, are you fucking kidding me? It's fucking January. What is going on? And I go, you know what?

I'll call some other time. I thought that she prescribed what I need. because they won't prescribe something. You can be dead. And they won't prescribe it. You got to go down there and pay the 35 and waste an hour and let them check everything.

You know, the whole fucking deal. So, I called back this morning. And this is after calling, though, supposedly I was dying, my lungs. Then I go to the apothecary and they're like, we don't even know what you're talking about.

We're not even going to give you a prescription. There's nothing wrong. And I'm like, okay. I'm like, why do I go to fucking brick? I lost two hours of my time. To come all the way down here, you give me nothing. I'm trying to work them for the oxygen. The tank at the house?

Forget about it. You do don't want a tank. Oh, fuck, yeah. To do what? That's when the party starts. That's when I take you to the next level. No, you know, whatever. I don't really want oxygen.

But so they send me home. Pulmonary. You're going to die. You got five funguses in your lung. February 26, I see these cock suckers. So I might not be dying. What's this fucking, you know, they put this fucking thing in your head.

I'm not dying. I'm just bullshit your people. And then today I call a doctor. You want, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, we'll wait for your call. We got all the paperwork 14 days. Okay. You're not going to see Escovito. We got another doctor for you.

I go, listen, it's not happening. She's my doctor. Well, she's busy. That's why we belong to. center state, because we have a circle of fucking people, and I'm like, listen, it's not fucking happening. And she's like, Jose,

you know, that's your... I go, listen, I'll tell you what, give me a date when she's open. And he goes, well, what about the prescriptions? I'll live. Just give me a date. She goes, hold on five minutes. And then she got back on. Can I call you in 10? Yeah. How about

fucking Wednesday at 10, 10, 10 the morning? Don't fucking lie to me. Don't lie to me. I don't give a fuck. cutting into her coffee, she's okay. She'll fucking see me. You know, it's so hard. Like, RFK's gonna take the, put the sugar back in Coke, and they're gonna, you know, take back fucking Apple Jacks,

and we're gonna, you know, we're gonna do all these great things. What they need to overhaul is the medical system, and it wasn't this hard in LA. No? Dog, I did what I wanted in LA. I did what I wanted at Bob Hope dope. but then my doctor retired and now I was going to be thrown to the wool

so I moved when he retired and then my heart doctor retired that motherfucker still calls me fucked up at night coked up I miss you man he lives up in northern California yeah it's you can't get in

I don't remember the last time I've been to see like a guy you just go to urgent care I know we have a young audience here but you all have parents and I want you to know what it's fucking you just don't call the doctor like listen between us

his family I didn't have to turn myself into the hospital I could have done all that shit at all but I knew what the test I did in there would take me a year to complete and insurance would balk when you're in there they're rocking and rolling that's why I went in there

they listen they stabbed me 10 times they did this they put a fucking metal in my wrist. They did a thousand things, but I got that thought out of my fucking head. And that's peace of mind to me. I still got problems, and it's going to take time. I'm better than when I went in there,

and it's going to take time. I just got a fucking rest. I see it now. It's fucking different. And like, I, you're a great. You're a nice guy, like, I do, I never, like, get upset or go, go off on people at, like, offices.

I know you don't want to do that. But does it help? But I told her, I know her. And I go, Denise, I love you to death. What the fuck? I go, this sucks lately. And she goes, well, Denise, you know, that's my doctor. Why would I want to go see another?

The first doctor I went into that office? Doctor, I don't want to say his name. Like twice I went to see him. It was like he was on a different planet. Yeah? He was questioning everything. Like, why? Why are you on this medication?

I don't know. Call my wife. Call my wife I don't fucking know Why are you on this? Why are you on that? Why do they have you on this and this? Listen, I was in L.A. with a fucking pill happy. And that's the other thing.

Here, they don't give you a dick. If you go for pain in Jersey, you're done. You're fucking done. They'll tell you, okay, take a pain pill every six hours. What's that mean? Four times a day, right? Where I come from? It's Monday.

Okay. You get you a new pill. prescription, they'll give you like 13 pills. And you're like, but wait a second. And so it's good for three days? It don't add up. Four times a day and 14 pills. It doesn't do nothing here.

That's how they start with you. And then the office won't call you back. You're sitting there in pain, fucking dying, and you got, you know, you got to like break them off and pee. Next thing you know, you're driving the fucking Newark. I had a call a friend of mine to get me a fucking pain pill. Is it any faster if you hit Spanish? Like you be like, hey.

Yeah, you go through, but that's not the fucking point. They're not going to give me an appointment any fucking faster. Oh, okay. Every time you call those automated places, you're done for 20 minutes. Yeah. You're done. 20 minutes, you're fucking done. Did you ever, when you were, like, coming up and broke, did you ever do unemployment in L.A.?

Towards the end, I did. Dude, when I left L.A., it was so hard to call unemployed. Like, when I got unemployment, like, 10 years ago, you had to call right as they opened it, like, 8 in the morning you could get through. Now, they have robots that you have to, like, you can pay 10 bucks, and it'll just keep calling because it's impossible to get through. You can call higher, like, you can pay for robots to call unemployment for you. It's that bad. Well, that's why I learned to dial two for Latinos. Oh, okay.

In L.A., because they like Latinos. And I didn't do that. I didn't collect unemployment until maybe five years until I started making money. Okay. Ari told me to collect unemployment. You have to.

What are you talking about? They're like, bro, when you shoot a day, you file the next day. That covers you for 13 weeks, and they give you like the top notch. I'm like, get the fuck out of you. They would just send you an ATM card every month. What?

And then you go to the weed store and they'd say, we do not take EDD cards. God damn it. So I didn't give a fuck, but it was just, you have to do it. It's your money. Yeah. It's your fucking money. And you pay into it and you wonder what the fuck, or it all goes.

Something happens to you guys. Check into that. And you'll be in shock. They have money for you somewhere. And you have to fight it. Because I got it during the pandemic. Like I didn't get the crazy ones they were giving out, but they gave me it was like $300 a week. But it took them, it took me like a year.

And then they gave you a back pay. Yeah, but I had to fight it. I had to do whatever it's called, like a hearing on the phone. I had to submit appeals and then they would lose the appeal. It took me like a year. I was pissed. But then, dude, when that goes through, when you get back pay, that's almost better than getting it a week at a time getting back pay all at once. Fuck yeah.

Forget about it. You went right to McDonald's? Oh. And you went off. When was the last time you went to McDonald's, Cox? It's been a long time. That's the one reason. I don't even remember the last time.

There's one by my house. I love McDonald's. I drive by it every day. I got to go to Starbucks with Mercy. I got to go to the bank. I always do something. The Jew deli's in there. Yeah.

So every day I drive by McDonald's, and that one whiff gets you, but not enough to make the turn. You know what I'm saying? That's a different turn. It depends, because that's where I will get pissed off. Is if I go there and then I haven't been at McDonald's in like six months, and then the fries are stale,

that I will get upset about. That you will not forgive. No, you can't. If we don't call Leonie. Oh, my God. If you go and get cold fries when you're fucked up, that'll piss me off. What's the last time you ate fast food? I stopped today and I got a drink, but I honestly haven't been eating fast food.

I honestly, I don't. What was the last time you went to Subway? That's not what I heard. Subway's been years. Subway's been in years. They saw you at Subway with a chick with a beard. No subway, but I,

what did I do? I did, I got breakfast at Cracker Barrel yesterday. Oh, Jesus. That was pretty good. You don't like Cracker Barrel? Did you smell that shit yet? Sniff your asshole.

See what you were going to Cracker Barrel again. It was pretty good. Huh? The breakfast was pretty good. What did you have? I just had bacon and eggs. With the eggs fresh? Oh, we're easy.

Of course. Okay. You saw the yolk. Oh, yeah. Okay. Oh, I did. This is what happened. He's learning.

And people are going to get upset at me. But, all right. So there was one time in Vegas. We went gambling. And you got mad at me because I was doing well. And as I came back, I stayed at a table. And a little person came. And I lost all my money.

And you're like, it's bad luck. You got to be cured. Yeah. Yeah. So as soon as a midgett shows up. You give him a fucking token. You tap him on his little head, and you go, I got to get out of here.

And he stood behind you. He was... Lesson number one. You cannot let... When you're gambling, no midgets and no Chinese people standing behind you. I love Chinese people.

I have nothing against you. You know me? I eat Chinese food once a week. Bruce Lee movies. Happy New Year, the year of the fucking my favorite restaurant gave me an apple, orange last week. They did for New Year's.

I went in there they gave me two fucking oranges. I was in there saying shigwilo. The whole fucking thing. You know Uncle Joey. But when you're gambling, and I don't even gamble, but I've seen it. I've stood there,

and I've seen a nice white guy with a wife. You know, they're on a honeymoon. They're up 800. And all of a sudden, like some Chinese guys behind them. And all of a sudden you see the guy getting worried, he's pulling his jacket. He's going into the envelope,

you know, the fucking wedding envelope. Where's the money? I can't take it. And at the end of that, you turn around with this little Chinese guy watching you. That's it. Yeah. A little person came right up and I left.

I'm having a big time problem lately. I go to my favorite restaurant three nights a week. I sit there, I get water with lemon because I'm a boring fuck. And they usually have the game on. I love the bartenders. I love the blonde, Michelle that.

But I always have a problem in them. If I sit next to somebody, like I always sit next to a girl. I always make sure that the owner's wife is there or two girls, Tricky Nicky or my other girl, fucking Gabby. They're solid. They're fucking soldiers of death.

These are my fucking girls. They keep me a loop. They'll let me know what the bitches are saying in the bathroom. If one of them is getting crazy and I get in my car and I go to fuck home. But every time I'm there, the bar could be fucking empty. And if a couple comes in or three guys come in, they'll try to sit next to me. And then they try to like, fuck.

And then they'll make a call to one of their friends. And three more friends come, and now they're standing behind me. And they don't know that I'm boiling. I'm like Charles Bronson at those minutes. Like, do I go to the car, invite them out to smoke weed and run them over? because you don't understand how much that shit bothers. Do they know it's you or no? No, no, no.

They just gather around because... Because one of my favorite things happen. I love... When they stand behind me would annoy me too, but it doesn't happen to me nearly as much as it does with you. But I love when they walk by and they go, Lee, but they do it quickly? They do it to see if they can get you to look.

Do they ever do that? Like, Joey. Or no? Yesterday, I was mercy. We went to Red Bank. On the way back, we stopped somewhere. And as I'm walking, I hear, is that Joey Diaz? Now I hear it.

But that don't mean I hear it. Like, I just keep walking. You know what I'm saying? I just kept walking. He said it again. I walked into the place. I didn't see him when I came out. Today, he texts me.

And he goes, dog, what the fuck was that yesterday? He goes, you didn't hear my voice? I go, listen, I don't turn around. I don't have the time. almost. That's it? In your world, I didn't hear you. I'm talking to my daughter.

So in my world, I didn't even fucking hear you. I love it. So I'm sorry to answer. So what happens at the bars when they're standing behind you? They fucking stand behind me and they torment me

till I fucking get my calling leave. And what does tormenting look like just being next year? Tormenting is just being in my fucking patois when the whole bar has spots you could go to when people are trying to leave the restaurant

and you got to move every time, you're in the fucking way. Right. Do you follow me? It's just fucking common sense. So it drives me fucking crazy. So now I sit in places where you can't sit behind me.

I'll sit against the fucking corner with my nose in the corner like my own time out. But you're not fucking sitting behind me no more. It drives me crazy, dog. You're in that day. You know, and life has changed a lot. Like, men's respect has changed.

Men's, uh, it's weird what I see. Like, I'll be talking to fucking one of the girls. I'm in there sometimes, like, I went in there Friday afternoon and I saw my fucking, the chick that works with prescriptions. Okay. V. I love it at death. I've known V since I moved to fucking Marlboro.

She's the woman that comes in and says, why are you taking this? Let's eliminate you from this. So she did it for me on the arm Helped my friend out with a job She's dynamite I go to eat lunch last week I'm sitting there V's on the other side

Now if it was one thing about this woman She could eat Oh nice She's Vietnamese I've never seen anything like this You see that? That's Greek That camera stand Okay

She had a steak And I heard her to tell the waiter Hold on Bring it over to the other side I'm going to sit with Joey I was having a Philly cheese steak on semolina bread Nice

Jesus with steak fries And that motherfucker With red hot Not the long ones But the cherry peppers You have no idea You have no idea And what did she have

She had a steak She came over She already ate a steak She came home We got an order Chicken Milanese With the fucking big chicken Cullet

And the rugal on top Nice Oh I don't even know what the fuck We're talking about What the point of this stupid story the stuff you see with men, I saw

Okay, I'm talking to her Okay I must have been talking to her You know, 30 minutes Then I had to leave I don't know How many fucking people Interrupted us

Like I I can't tell you Now this chick is married Kids If you go on Instagram It's her and her kids She's Vietnamese And her husband's Japanese

Right The kids are beautiful I met the girls. I know the girls. I see him out. This chick is out. Every fucking day rocking it. With $800 on her shoes on?

You know, she's one of those. And this ain't credit card. This is real. In fact, she bought me lunch that day. Damn, she's like, I'm coming over here to bother you, but she was like telling me she's happy to see me alive about. Dog, I don't know how many times people interrupt this. I don't know how many times a guy sat next to it.

And I told her, like, when I went home, she sent me a picture she took. And I go, it was a great senior. Thank you for lunch, you know. But Jesus fucking Christ, he goes, that was annoying. And I'm like, these people have no cooth anymore. If I walk into a place and I see Sean, George, Nick, or you talking to a woman, I'm not coming over.

Do you understand me? That's the school of thought that we were raised like. If you're talking to a woman, I'm not coming over. Why would I even come over? He's telling his life story. Right. You're up in the bar, you're telling a chick of your life story?

You need me coming home. I saw you Monday night. It was great. And the chick's like, who's this retard? You know, why even get into that? Yeah. If you bring her around the ghetto, you want to introduce her, that's fine.

But if I see you with somebody I've never seen you with, I would refuse to go over there. And that's the way I was all my fucking life. I was going to say, even like it doesn't happen. I mean, a woman, obviously, but even a guy I don't like interrupting anybody

almost ever do I go up They don't give a fuck It's like nobody raised you And it's just fucking buck wild But It's so weird that I could be talking to a woman And we were just talking about prescriptions My hospital stay

You know, her daughter fucking won a thing at ballet I mean you know It's not like I'm hitting on her I'm talking about, you know. Right. And I can, dog, you don't know how many guys will stop over there. And I'm like, who fucking raised you?

I can look at you and George and know George is telling you a story about Pepe the chef. I could go over there, but there's something that you guys might be interested in. I'm not going to go over there and interrupt or ask a stupid question. No. And as a waiter or whatever the fuck I'm doing, I'm not going to do that either. Go to a restaurant with your wife, try to propose to it. Try to tell you you want to eat her asshole It takes three minutes to do it

The waiter will come and interrupt you with something Do you want water? Listen I'm trying to throw water in her asshole And you want to come over and ask me if I want water Do you not read the fucking table Are you not reading the fucking room right? Do you know? Do I even pee yet?

I don't think so All right, we got to take a breather here Number two, I got to talk to you about draft kings It's Super Bowl weekend Shit's going off. Crack-a-lacking this weekend Are you getting invited to a Super Bowl party? No, I don't think so

You? Anybody having a Super Bowl party? You're doing one solo Are you having one? Really? I got invited to that The Florentines have one Every year

It's huge I go Oh, that's right George went to one of them I fucked them up And I kept saying them George, go tell him a story He didn't want to say a fucking word

That day There must have been 100 people there And I made George eat Like the strongest fucking edible I could find. And he was fucked up. And there was pizza, food everywhere. And I'm like, George, get in there.

He's like, I don't want to move. Anyway, we'll be right back. What's happening, beautiful people? Listen, Uncle Joey's here to tell you it's going to be a huge weekend. You could win a few bucks on the big game on Sunday. And get in on UFC 312, 312 action at Draft King's Sportsbook. Listen, when it comes to sports betting, you've got to use Draft Kings. As far as I'm concerned, the goods.

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For additional terms and responsible gaming resources, see dkng.com slash audio. We're back, bitches. It's going to be a tremendous game. We got Philadelphia against Kansas City What times this fucking thing start? Yeah, by that time, you know, I've already, you know, you lose your enthusiasm. Really? Six fucking 30, I gotta wait.

All day. Florentine's party starts at one. By six o'clock, they're fucking crawling over there. Yeah. Starts at one o'clock? They probably get together at one. People still bring your food, you eat. I never stay for the, it's true.

I just sat here for three hours. Right. You think I'm going to sit here now and then the halftime show? You know, you're out of your fucking mind, man. You're out of your fucking mind. I'm just not in the mood this year. I love Philadelphia. And Kansas City, they just, it's like the chick, the dude.

It's too much from Goodellee. It's just too much as a whole. It's just, it doesn't feel like football anymore. I get it. See, that's why I'm upset for... Afterschool movie. You know? So that doesn't make you excited for Philadelphia?

Yeah, it makes me excited for Philadelphia. I hope Philadelphia fucking kills them. But, you know, I mean, right now they, listen, they might trick you. They gave you, everybody was complaining about calls last game that the reps didn't call it. Maybe this fucking game may call it in Philadelphia steam rolls them. You know, everybody would like the bet. I don't even know, I think Philadelphia's given one and a half. One.

Philadelphia is getting one. So who knows? Right. Who fucking knows, you know? I don't know. I don't know what I'm going to do for the soup bowl. I don't want to be out, out, like an hour away from my house. No.

Because when shit starts getting wild, I just want to zip in the car and phew, you don't even know I'm there. And you won't even see me leave. I'll tell you got to go upstairs for a can opener. How long does it take for people to realize you're gone? Did you ever get a call, like 20 minutes later? Where did you go? Oh, yeah. Where'd you go?

Listen, I had to go. All right. When you got to go, you got to go. I'm one of those dudes. And as I get older, this started with me when I was a kid. There's just so much that you could fucking take. Like, I could just sit here for so fucking long.

But why don't you say goodbye? You can leave, but... That's another 35 minutes of bullshit because they're all drunk and I'm not. When are we getting together? Pull me. Listen, I got a house. It's got a yard.

I got penguins. You could swim when your kids. You know, and meanwhile, they're doing Coke and they're fucking, you know, what the fuck is wrong with you? So, before I take that earbeaten, I make an excuse. I went to this, a villa who was on the podcast a few weeks ago, did a show in Bay Ridge, something. It's by Seaside Park.

It's an hour from my house. How can I not go not support the kid, right? I'm not there fucking three minutes, and I got the whole wait staff on me. I'm like, guys. There's a band after the fucking show and the way out. I'll go into the kitchen.

I'll take pictures with all these. All right? All right. I come out, they're being cool, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah. A villa did one set. I sat behind, I talked to a lot of the guys I hadn't seen for years.

Then for the second set, I said, let me go over there. I walk over to the bar and I hide, and they're playing and the villos fucking great. I got to go see him one night. He's fucking great. And he's been doing this all his life. So, you know, he's got to be great at it.

And I'm sitting there getting into the music. And all of a sudden, like high school people come on. I want to take a picture of my son. I go, give it a breather. Let me take the fucking, let me watch a villos band. And then they're drunk. So they don't understand what I'm saying to them. If I take a picture with you right here,

I'm never going to get out of here. Can you please not take it here? No, we want to take it right now. I just walk away from him. They have no idea. I just walk away from him. You know, and then one of the kids in North Bergen, who I love, started dancing. And rule number one, when he starts dancing, it's time to go.

And it wasn't even late yet. What kind of dancing is he doing? That's not even discussed that dancing. No, nah. So as I'm walking out. Right. I hear a fucking commotion. I'm like, what the fuck is that?

And bab boom. And I look down, it's one of my friends from high school. He just got knocked the fuck out. I used to run with this guy. I used to run with this guy. We used to snort coke together. We went to concert together. He's on the fucking floor.

Like this, like fucking shaking his shit. And listen, I ain't no attorney. And I ain't no fucking whatever. So I just, the ambulance wasn't there yet. They were yelling. I went over and looked at them, and it was like that scene from Friday. You got knocked the fuck out.

Right? It was that scene from Friday, right? And, you know, what am I going to do? Everybody's involved in that. I'm like, this is my time. Remember, in the old days, there was a saying, George, remember, when you had a leave, you had a tip. It's time to tip.

Tipping doesn't include fucking saying goodbye, hugging Pierre Cardan and making this theme. You know. We love you Make sure you come I don't need that Right Let's zip

Let's zip And that adds to the fucking Ptois He was just standing Right there Right Just saw him smoking a joint What do you mean he left?

I'm still a little bit held up on Your buddy getting knocked the fuck out At a concert Hold on this wasn't a concert It was an outdoor event In Jersey and seaside Which listen Anybody who knows Jersey

Knows all those events It ends when somebody gets knocked out. There's always a good fist fight at the end. A good fist fight. Yeah, so he ends up on the floor and right the way I'm looking, I'm looking and I'm like, I got to pee anyway. And I was like, right?

I got to pee. I got to pee. It's over. I'm fucking 60. I got no time to stand around. I got to fucking pee. So as I walk to the back, nobody says a word to me. And I go to the back, I pee, I walk out. And I go like this. And my car is walking distance. ain't no reason to walk back.

No. You've gone too far. I'm not going to walk 100 yards now to sit there and get tortured and as I was getting in the car, the ambulance was coming. And I'm like, I ain't got no time for these hoes.

Why did he get knocked out? I don't know. You have no idea? He got knocked out. He said something to somebody. Nobody really got the whole story. I never really got, I know he went to the hospital.

and they checked them out, you know. And it was funny. No. No? No. No. He was the dude that we did, I was about 17, and we did a double sunshine acid. Jesus.

On the blotter. It was two hits of acid rolled into one, really. Sure. That's why they called it double barrel, whatever the fuck it was. We ate it, and we went to that movie in Fairview where George's offices right now. It was next to a Carvel.

But we walked out of there by 1.30 in the morning. And the acid was on fire. And we got to walk down Bergen Boulevard to North Bergen border and then walked to where Louis lived at the time on 83rd Street. It was me, him and Kurt D. Lorenzo, got rest of the soul. And we're right about where the old diner was.

It's still a diner there. And right on Bergen Boulevard, whatever that diner is, right there. What we want? Boulevard diner has been there for Jesus Loved Chicago. And it used to be open 24 hours, and it was a great,

they had a great cheeseburger deluxe with the mozzarella. That one, the point? Yep. Where's the point? Fairview. Tom Simmons. I don't like the one on 7th Street.

But anyway, what are we talking about that? We're not sure yet. I don't know. Do we know? What we're talking about here? Come on. No. No.

No, you were... Oh, okay. You went to a movie. So we're walking down in Bergen Boulevard and I don't know. I looked at Louis at fucking Kurt

and I go, I'm the ass and I go, you hear that? And Kurt looks at me and goes, yeah, I hear that. But Louis goes, I don't hear that. So we just play with it. We just ran with it.

We're like, how the fuck don't you hear that? It's burning my ears. And then Kurt started with him. I'm telling you, I can't hear even. They went back and forth for like 10 minutes. And it had just rained. And there was a huge pothole. And it had two inches of water.

And this motherfucker dropped to his knees and started throwing cold water in his face. We're on the acid. Fucking quack! Quack, quack, quack, we're dying. And this guy's splashing water. And he comes back and he goes, I stood all fucking hearing.

I'm like, It's loud! And this motherfucker took off down Bergen Boulevard to Kennedy to wherever his destination was. We just walked home. We're like, we don't know what happens that fucking dude. What if he never, he might never have recovered from that? No, he recovered. Yeah, but then he'll move.

Did you tell him eventually that noise was real? Yeah, but then he moved to Miami, you know, that's like getting a concussion and moving to Miami and putting 18,000 Coke rocks in your heads. That ain't going to help it either. You know. What is dull? So you're doing two hits at once? This was every weekend we did something different

because the people we bought the asset from always... This is a college. There was a... Bro. Somebody came up to me recently, and they go, East Stroudsburg. I started laughing. And I thought about it, like, how creepy that was. That point in my life was fucking creepy.

My mother had just died. I'm living with my neighbor. you know, I fucking do a move and I end up with 20 grand, right? And I'm like, how does this happen? And a buddy of mine was selling mescal. I got sick and tired of buying it from him. So I asked him one day, I go,

I'm looking for more exotic type shit. And he goes, well, I'll take you to East Strasbourg. And I remember we went. It was like a two-hour drive. We were kids. And he was older than I was. and we knocked on this fucking door but what I remember

there was all Jersey in New York City Place I'm like what the fuck when you went in there it was a house this big a little bigger and you sat on the couch and took a number jack

and when you went into the war room it was real it was like acid black beauties which made you fucking lose your mind and this was just a house this is a house and the two kids made this shit

during the week. And on Saturdays, they had their big sale. And kids came from New York and New Jersey to cop from this fucking guy. This went on for years. Listen, I outgrew fucking all that stuff like sophomore year. But let me give you an example of how much money I was making.

The Ups, the Black Beauties, with $35 for $1,000. I would sell you $100 for $35. And I was selling them for a dollar apiece. they go all day. The wrestlers, they got to lose weight. Jesus. So I had the wrestling season, that's my big season.

I got those motherfuckers tic-tocin. I had them all doing Adderall before they knew what Adderall was. This was black beauty made by two albinos. These kids did so many drugs. They lost the color. They looked like they were 80. They were 28.

They had no color in their eyes. They were like fucking clear eyes. They were those albino people. You know, I didn't ask questions. It was $80 for 100 hits of masculine. You sold them for $3 a piece. If you went to school three days in a row in high school, you sold those.

Every day, by the time you'd walk in there'd be 10 chicks. Hi, do you have any masculine? We want to go to Hudson County Park today and drink. Okay. Ten, here, I'll throw in two more. Would you test it like before? Not test it, but would you take one to be a single-old? Yeah.

That's the first thing I did. I love those motherfuckers. Love them. fucking love. I went on a fucking The pills of the dealers. The what? Who do you love? I loved the whole idea of doing

acid. I loved it. Life was simple. Life was very simple. You went up to Kennedy Boulevard by Hashways. You walked into the pinball place, Wizards. There was always a creepy guy in there when you were young. That, you know,

he knew he molested a kid or something. You know, in those days, they didn't have like whatever fuck they have now. You didn't know what was going on. And then, you know, you went to Hudson County Park and whatever. And then it became bigger, like, in freshman year. So

I was eating all this mescaline. I just said, fuck it. It was just a little thing in aluminum foil. And it was a circle. And some of them were purple. Some of them were red. And you took your chance every fucking weekend. You lived on the edge, bitch. You fucking took them and walked down Burger Line Avenue and, you know, stopped at

Sal's Pizza and Carvel and walking into Schlesinger's and, you know, went in there and looked at sneakers. I can't wait to get those. Here. How old were you? Your father didn't even have a job. How are you going to get those sneakers? This is Schlesinger's, motherfucker. How old were you for this? From the age of

freshman summer to... So you're like 14 and you have 100? To fucking, from the age of freshman summer. That whole summer, I tripped. That whole summer. Everybody was eating mescaline three nights a week.

And I loved it. And then there was another drug you did. You did fucking gorilla biscuits. You did T.C. Crystal, which, aka. was Angel Dust. And you had to go to the city for that shit or the bar on 22nd. It was in Union City. It was a bar down there. I'm not even trying to be funny.

Was that like the turning point of your life that summer? I can't imagine it was tripping every night. and doing more other drugs. I fucking worked for a mason that summer. That's kind of normal. Right? My freshman going into sophomore year was one of my best summers.

I worked for a mason. I lived at home. I wasn't eating steakhams no more. My mom was cooking. And I would get home at six. I think I made 75 bucks a day my freshman year and I would fucking go out at night. I was in great shape.

I played basketball. I lifted weights. Pa, pa, pa, pa, you walk these fucking hills. And then, I don't know, I like the music. Then I fucking got into Pink Floyd. And that was it, dog. I'm not going to fuck around with smoking numbers. We're going to go deep into the murky waters of the underworld.

At 14, you had graduated from weed. By 15, I already had a full-fledged up. Mesklin business, acid business. Okay, and I got rid of everything at the high school. It was like, just go to school and you'll make money. That's how I looked at it. to school to make money. You always

had a tab at Hashways. You paid on Friday. You know what I'm saying? So you can run the mill a little bit. You keep saying things that really aren't. Like a tab is cool. But you're also talking about having a multiple drug dealing business that...

And my mom had no idea. I would hope to so. And how I really fueled it was my freshman February. I hit the number. on my birthday. And it was a $5,000 number. I had to give the bookie 500, and I had to give my mom two grand.

And she made me put two grand in Hub, the Hudson United Bank on 32nd Street, and Bergen-Lay-Nand-Av. Who do you think you're dealing with? I even had my own little safety deposit box. There was nothing in there. Like, I'm the only idiot that had a safe deposit box. You didn't put one thing in the box?

Nothing, nothing. I was going to put like my diploma, but then I didn't graduate. So what the fuck? And then I put the $2,500 in there. I put $2,000 in there. And she would get the book. In those days, they gave you a book, and they'd tell you.

So it stayed at $2,000. I was pretty good. And then I said, fuck it. If I buy bulk, I make more money. I have other people. I could sell it to them. Those days, I had a guy in Guttnberg that would sell anything. Guttenberg was a creepy town.

People did anything in Guttnberg. And this guy was the fucking main dump. I remember one night bumping into him, smoking weed out of a pipe. First off, we're fucking freshman in high school. Right. It's 90 degrees out. It's three in the morning.

One, like one of these corner blocks. And there's 10 of us out. And he's smoking. Smoking. Smoking. And he goes, you got any mescal? I go, yeah. He goes, let me get three hits.

And he took two right in front of me at three in the morning. And he was taking the other one. And he was crunching it up. I go, what are you doing? He goes, I'm going to put it in the bowl and smoke it. You want a hit? And I'm like, no. I already did it like three of these motherfuckers.

fuck, I still got to walk to the cemetery. We used to put ourselves to the test, too. We weren't these little faggy guys that went to a rave. If you're going to go deep with Uncle Joy, we're going to go deep. We're going to take it to the projects and park and go behind the fence and walk behind that little cemetery for a little hike. Unmasculine. Oh, yeah.

Woo! And you see like devil worshipers and shit. And they sound like fun to you? Fuck, yeah. when you're tripping. What is it like on masculine? Is it just acid? It's acid.

It's acid without the roller skates. That explains a lot. Holy shit, dude. Life was simple. Now, tell you why. It doesn't sound simple to me. Listen, let me tell you how simple it was, okay? You went out. It was $3.

A six-pack was $2. Anybody had $5. Your father would give you $5. You got to mow the lawn. I didn't see you. the garbage out there, just give me the fin. Right. So you could, in those days, you went out for

five hours, and you had Nick, you could put the pizza on the arm at Nick. So I want you to think of the whole fucking scenario here. We were having a great time for no money. You went to Albertson, you robbed it, you went to Hudson County Park. It was that easy. What was robbing? I robbed a fucking kettle

of wine one time, but I didn't know it was that Julio Gallo red shit. And I drank it with the kid. With the kid, I told him he was deaf, and he ran That's idiot. I'll never forget. We drank that whole thing in Hudson County Park.

I had a headache. I couldn't even lift my head off the pillow. I never drank wine again. I don't blame you. I was like, Jesus. On Thursday. Jesus.

So you're saying like it was cheap to go out? They're cheap. And for me, I was getting for 80 cents a piece. So I could eat four of them and I had built my tolerance.

The same way I did with edibles? Right. When I was 15, I was building my tolerance with that shit. When I met George, we were going fucking off. I was going off on that shit. Why wouldn't you? Yeah.

And cocaine was on the horizon. Okay. Okay. Cocaine was lurking. But there was another drug that intercepted in there. And it was called the quailute. Okay. And that's when we really went fucking off.

How often were quailutes happening? Every time you want them. But at that time, I would only do them like on a, I would do them on an off. I wouldn't do one a Friday or Saturday night because those are busy nights. I didn't want to do a quail on a lot of people. So I would take them like on a Tuesday night, like a ladies night.

You know what I'm saying? Right. And you take one of those and you drink two Alabama slammers. Bam! Bam! You know what I'm saying? The love drug. Jesus.

I think if I, you were talking, the first story you told about you being out at 3 in the morning with 10 of your friends smoking weed out of a pipe, And it was like I was with one person. Right. These were all neighborhood kids, like three from 88th Street, two from the projects, and three from Guttenberg. And all of a sudden, we just meet. Right.

We just meet. That would be the coolest thing I did in high school. Just that. We didn't meet on purpose. We would walk in the streets because if you walked on Kennedy Boulevard, the cops would pull over. Right, because you're 14. So you got to walk the side streets in North Bergen. North Bergen had a lot of side streets.

Woo-woo! Oh my God. That's two years away from how old Mercy is. I know. It scares the shit out of me. You know what I was thinking about the other day? Mercy's 12. I mean, God, she hears me talking.

She hears me on the phone. She knows. We got into deep discussions lately. We got into one the other day about promiscuous women. In the car, it was fucking deep. And she kept looking at me like, Dad, you're serious? We're just talking shit.

And damn, I was looking at him like, she's fucking 12. When I was 13, I used to walk home with a girl, hold her hand, and I would swap. No, we didn't swap spit. We just kissed and held each other. You know, that shit wasn't even in my mind. but the last day of school she was supposed to make out with me

but she double crossed me God damn it she left me for a guy on roller skates and she met at the Paramus roller skating rink circa 1977 you know what I'm saying she was really skating on the rink

and met a guy yeah because that was the cool thing to do with him there was no quay ludes you had a fucking lure him in on charm or you had a dance or you had a fucking you know dressed nice. So why weren't you on the rink?

Why? Why weren't you skating? I did go there one time, but there was a guy with a wig, and he fell, and the wig came off. And people were skating around them, and he kept trying to put the wig on. And I'm like, you know what? I ain't going on there no more. I'd rather go to Atlantic City have a midget stand behind me and play blackjack and lose all by money. You know what I'm saying?

What do you got this weekend, Lee? Talk to me. I'm going to be in Poughkeepsie, laughing up February 8th, 7 p.m. show, I think. It's going to be a great show. Poughkeepsie. Peky. You got a hotel up there? No. You're coming right back? I believe so. Because, yeah, the Super Bowl's the next day.

So I might get one, but I'll probably just come back. Nah, you don't want to watch Super Bowl and Poughkeepsie? No, I'll come back either way. What are you going to do for Super Bowl Sunday? We're just going to have wings, I think, and not you're just going to eat some stuff and watch it at home? I'm just going to have wings? Fuck it.

Are you not looking forward to that? You don't have anything food-wise you look forward to for the Super Bowl? Because I don't get to eat wings that much anymore. I don't get to eat wings that much anymore. There's good wings by my house, guys. There's one spot that nobody talks about their wing. First of all, the blue cheese is off the hook in that motherfucker. Nice.

That's right next to the Jewish place. But we'll talk about that next time. You know what I'm saying? Love it. So far, so good. I'm alive and kicking. I'm huffing and puffing, but I'll get there. So we're still on for February.

12th in Jersey City and then the 15th in fucking Philadelphia Jessamey Paluso is showing up. She's flying in for the show. Nice. Smoke some weed with that skinny bitch. Take her out to eat a couple nights because she's too skinny. I saw

a video she made today. I'm like Jetsamai, stop eating the fucking what's she eating out there? Peanuts and fucking what's going on in California? That's terrible. And what about why? We forgot about about the whole fuck. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'm sorry. I know we got sponsors. We've got to get out of here. But did anybody see fucking Will Smith's son? What happened to him? I didn't see anything. Was he at the Grammys? I really should have watched the Grammys.

Dog, he wore a house on his head. But listen, once you wear a house and a white chick shows up naked, listen, he must have sat. It's like going to a jet game. They lose. back on the train on the way home with your jersey. J-U-T-S. They lost 82 to nothing

and they're still there with their jersey on. I fucking zip that jersey off and light on fire at the stadium. So he was wearing like what? Like a Barbie like a dollhouse on his head or something? Dog, it is disturbing. That this parents

let him out of the house. It's disturbing what people do for attention now. It's disturbing. Like I saw three minutes to the Grammys and how they acted like and you see yourself going man I lived in that for 23 fucking years I felt really bad because when I first moved here I was angry I was just angry and I wasn't angry at California but it came off like that I was never angry at California I was angry in the world that I had lived in for fucking 20 of those years and how people would

never understand that the cut where I come from and that world they don't mix whatsoever my world and that world does not mix for me it was a job I'm an idiot

I'm a felon I had to do something I pick stand-up oh they want you to audition for a movie oh Jed's a millionaire I don't fucking know

this could have happened to anybody you understand I'm trying to say to you right it just sort of happened it just sort of happened okay

so you come from this you know now I got to change my views as a human being I got to vote for Camilla Because if not I won't be in the cool circle I always got to say something to get people

Like wearing that fucking hat Where's your father He smacked Chris Rock But he won't smack this fucking kid This is the kid that needs to get smacked the shit Or 10 times Kick, punch, you fucking cock sucker Get out of this fucking house

But you can't do that to your children today They'll throw you under the jail Look at them I'll be by the door. Where the fuck are you going with that thing on your head? Dad, it's the Grammys. Come here for a second. Clint, can you please go down the fucking pathmark,

do whatever you need to do? You want to leave, go. Let me talk to you. And right there, you just start punching him. Like, punched him. Like, what the fuck is wrong with you? Half those people that were there. It's really sad because I told my wife,

those people will never leave LA. Because it's very hard. They've got to take that mask off. once you put that mask on to live once you start wearing the glasses once you start believing your hype like that it's over it's over for you you just

you buy into everything dog next thing you know you free Palestine dog I'm over here trying to get my dick sucked what's it got to do with free Palestine this is not the time of the place do everybody else go down to NYU jump up and down you know what are you bothering me for

it's fucking insane we lived in that league we saw it you saw it oh my god you know you saw it and I would look at you and go what the fuck is this two years ago this guy wouldn't let me in here

now I'm Jesus Christ they want to rub your feet and give you oh we bought you a gift two years ago you wouldn't book me but now you're selling tickets I saw a ton of those guys right that they had to look me in the face bro that was a great show No, it wasn't.

You know what I'm saying? So for years, I lived with that. And then I moved here, and it was, it took me about a year to see what the fuck it happened. Even to me for a while, it got me with the videos. I'd get up in the morning, the smoke dope is six in the morning. Who does that? Who does that? I looked at that one day and I go, my mother didn't hug me.

What the fuck happened? And that was it. I love doing the podcast. this, I just, you know, and it's so weird, like now I see people in how hard they're pushing it. It don't stop. Look at Instagram. How many fucking people

post all fucking day? And not just one picture, it's 22. Them going to a day bagel shop, them planting a dog. You know what I'm saying? Them, you know, it's not a picture of them taking in the ass. Nothing. Not one good fucking picture. It's

just, I don't know, what the fuck is going on. That Grammy really bothered me. I can see that. And that fucking, because my daughter was watching it. And I don't want her to buy into that shit. What does she think when you say all these things to her? Because I feel like you've said

most of this to her. I didn't say it in this manner. She's 12. I can't talk to her like this. I'll scare the fuck out of it. I talk to her like a dad. I keep my fucking thing. She doesn't get snooty

with me. She pushes the mom. Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah. She called my wife because my wife took it to a concert. First of all, it was my responsibility to take her. But my wife's like, I'll take her. Okay, take her. My wife took her

and some other girl and they all got dressed up like bears at this concert. And she walked in there. I'm not going to say the concert in Philadelphia. My wife came home was crying. You can't do that to my wife, dog. She's a fucking Christian from the south.

It shocked her central nervous system. Oh, the bears. I don't know what's happening. Men, there were three guys in front of her with beards and a dress on. Jumping up and down. That destroyed her insides. You know, it was just one after the other. They stopped the show for free Palestine.

It was like non-stop. It just destroyed. My wife had a bottle at home. on the way because there was another little chubby girl in the car, another one. And they had a bottle at home until my wife dropped a girl off. And then she went off on Mercy in the car. Like, Mercy, what the fuck is this? Are you part of the LGBTQ?

No, Mom, but you have to let them be free. And by the time they got home, they were arguing. And she called my wife a, whatever, when you hate trench. transphobic. Whoa, did that house blow up upstairs for like 10 minutes. My wife came down crying, she goes, you better talk to her

because I'm about to bang her head off the fucking woman. I said, listen, take the wallet, get the fuck out of the house. She was upset. Her central nervous system, locked down. My wife ain't built like that. Rock me when I'm telling you guys.

She ain't, he doesn't come from that school. That's why I didn't keep snort and coke. Because I didn't want her to find me dead. She don't come from the school what we came from. So it was like, it shocked at it. It just really did.

And she's like, that's it. You know, so I don't know. I think my wife had to talk with it too about last night. Damn. Because I don't want, you don't want your kid to sway in that way at all.

I liked the chick until she said, you know, I will put away for starving artists. Can't you just, what's my boy? I used to host the awards. The funniest host of

all time, Ricky Jervaus. If you watch one of the clips, one of the funniest thing, he says, so, my advice to you, you know, Nella Thumburg, Greta Thumburg, he goes, you know, you actors and not an educator, Greta Thunberg went to more school

and you loses. He goes, so when you come up here, grab your award, thank the guy, thank your maker, thank your agent, and get the fuck off this. You never said, I don't do that? He goes, get the fuck off the stage. Or something, what? And then he goes into a bit about that if ISIS

starts a streaming service they would all have their fucking agents on the phone. Oh my God. And it's the truth. At the end of the day, they're just going to go, look at them. Anyway, let's not get political here. I love you, motherfuckers. With all my fuckers, because I don't know none about

politics. I'm going to stick my... Listen, I know about squeluge. I know about double barrel sunshine. You know what I'm saying? We might do... I got some asses at the house. I got two hits that triple X on them, blue ones. That's the next episode. All right.

I love you guys. I want to thank fucking the Italian princess. She was fucking great last week. I am still blown to fuck away with her. And you know what? She gave me hope for my daughter. I could. I got hope.

I got this podcast. It's gone so many different ways. That's because I'm fucked up, Jack. Monday, Tuesday. Have a great day. Had a great week. We're done. We're out of here. Yo, Uncle Joey here.

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