The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - Throwing Heat!

Episode Date: February 27, 2024

Thank YOU for supporting us through 25 episodes of The Check In! This week Joey Diaz talks with Lee Syatt about the bond he has with his cat Gray, how Shane Gillis made stand up comedy history hosting SNL, what it was like in the early days of the JRE success, and leaving Lee with a hooker who had bandage on her head. Support the show and get 20% off your 1st Lucy order. Head to https://www.lucy.co/joey & use code JOEY. Try Blue Chew for free at https://www.bluechew.com with promo code JOEY The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz

I didn't know she was a hooker at the time. Didn't you smell her neck? She smelled like you with the hummus. I didn't know I wouldn't smell her neck. Who smells someone that you're going to jail for smelling someone's neck? What are you talking about? What's up, you savages? It's Tuesday, the 27th of February.

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Now back to the check-in. I love you to give up. If Uncle Joey could do it, I could fucking rule the world. I see you got to be thinking. Welcome back to show! Yo! Hey, buddy. What's happening?

You bet. Hey, buddy. What the fuck? What's wrong with you with that? Hey, buddy. What am I supposed to say? What are we going to go fucking play goldfish or something? Hey, buddy. I've been playing nothing but goldfish.

This is the checking motherfucker. Tuesday, February 27. You come correct. What's that shit fucking. Hey, buddy. What's going on there, Tazan? That's what I always say. We have an extra day this year.

That pisses you off when you, like when you work a day job, the extra day I'm fucking pissed. We have an extra day this year. It's 29th. We only get one every four years. You're calling sick. No big fucking day. Oh, you can't call in the day. Yeah, you can't.

It's sleep year. I ain't got time. It's bad luck. Fucking you're going to worry about it. Why are you killing me with this shit for? This is the only year we have an extra day. You think people are jumping up and down. I got an extra day.

Well, yeah. Yeah. It fucking. Yeah. I bet they are. Holy shit. No, I'm doing good, buddy. How are you?

How was your weekend? Tip Top Magoo was a very fucking nice weekend. You know that? I had a nice weekend with the girls, relaxing, no drama. Got on stage Thursday night as usual. Nice. How to go? Friday went out to this restaurant char.

Okay. Red Bank, one of the chefs trained jihitsu over there. I got, listen, where I trained, there's two chefs. Steakhouse 85 and Motherfank. fucking char. What kind of food is char is a steakhouse. Oh shit. And then steakhouse 58, 85 is

obviously a steak lobster. But I took my wife to Red Bank. It's like 35 minutes from here. It's a whole different fucking fat man city. Lee. It's a restaurant row of fat will die. But

I went to this place Friday night. It was Friday, so it was lent. so I was a little confused when I walked in there but then I made it work chef Phil fucking prepared these little yellow tail

sushi tacos little ones right oh my God and he had some lobster fucking dumplings nice not Chinese style

like white people style I don't know and then he had he sent over some colomau really good and then I was full I was stuck but my wife got

the short rib Oh I long short rib Oh win yoki with a garlic cream sauce And she only took two bites of it and brought it home And we busted it out Saturday night Lee Fucking amazing that thing I got to go back this week and get that dish

Just that dish with a glass of wall No bread, no fucking butter, no salad, just that dish. That's like, because when you're eating when you're fat, like when you look at the menu, like when you're eating when you're on a diet, it sucks. Like you try to look for something. It's going to be okay, but it's not going to be great. Like everything about that sounded good. Short rib, yoke and the cream.

There's nothing better than a cream sauce. Fucking great. My cat sucked the rest of it out of the fucking off the dishes. That's how good it was. I need some of that shit, dog. You put it down for the cat? Fuck yeah. That's nice.

My cat, that girl, I love her with all my heart. She's made, she came into my life a year before my daughter. I could tell she really dug me. I dug her. You know, she was in a fucking house with seven cats that wanted a killer. And she would fucking, like, take your chances, bitches. and she used to help, you know, it's really weird that my other cats at the time were very, what do you call that?

Like they were already home cats. Like Fidel, a mouse could pass by him and they'll go, okay, you know, but Gray never stopped being a street cat. And I could see the differences. One set of cats were raised with a lot of love and they had, you know, food and shit. This bitch had been fighting for a life for three years out. outside. When we got her, she had just got attacked by a possum or something. When she went into that lion's den, she knew how to maneuver them. They couldn't even deal with her. She would jump on furniture over them. She'd get to her dish and then walk right past and there was

nothing they could do. And one by one, they disappeared and she kept hanging in there. And then once Evie passed, God rest of soul, took her about two weeks to come downstairs. And now, She's down here all the fucking time. I can't move my chair because I'll roll over her. So I got to look around before I even move my chair. Fuck. She's around here all the time, sleeps with us, fucking just ate some of my Cuban steak sandwich.

You know, she doesn't give a Frenchman's fuck. Have you thought about taking her out of the house? Would you ever bring her with you somewhere? No, I put her on the porch when I get sun. She sits out there with me like my fucking bodyguard. I know. Opens up. She gets the bodyguard.

vitamin D. She lets the son hit her stomach and I'm right next to her. Stone to the gills. Fucking beautiful son. This could be like, not corny, but do you like relate to Gray? Like the way you were describing Gray made me think of you like a little bit. Do I relate to gray? I don't know. I just think that she's just been a great cat.

She really is a great cat. You know, I told my wife, the head that goes, nobody gives me the love. this house that gray gives me you know what I'm saying like when I take a shower gray's there with a head in the heater there's a vet that comes up and she'll lay on the fucking vent while I'm in the shower I can see her from the sink it's she's real close with me and I like it I like her you know I like animals man yeah my next venture is a dog maybe a couple more cats to end this fucking journey because that's what people who get retired do they get a dog now you can walk with them

go outside and feed them, take care of them, spoil them. They're like your fucking kid, you know. Is it going to be strange to switch from cats to dogs? Like, aren't dogs like... No, no, I'm always going to have a cat in here. This is a fucking central jersey. I got trees all over me. I see a mouse.

I'll fucking shit my pants. I'll sell the house. So there's always going to be a cat here. If the cat dies on Tuesday, there'll be a motherfucker in here by Thursday dropping cents. Because you only have like a week before the set disappears. Then the mice start coming. And there's field mice.

all around here. People tell you get field mice. I'm like, I see a field mouse. I pack my bag. I go to the fucking Hampton in. And the next day I get more cats than Disneyland. I put them here and that's it and that's that.

I feel like you're not even joking. Are you afraid of mice? No. The experience I had with mice as a child made me go. I'm never going to put myself in that position again. what happened when I was a kid my fucking house in North Bergen got just oh yeah with mice these gray

fucking mice and they were everywhere and I remember like I couldn't fucking walk in a room without turning on a light with a broom fuck yeah that would be that'll be too much you're a kid that sticks with you forever I still remember going to my attic to get like something in the attic and they were fucking everywhere and there was a row of just turds like 10 feet of turds where they would walk back and forth. And I'm like, nah, I can't do this shit. This is not for me, Jack. So I'll always have a motherfucking cat in Miceville.

What do they do? Because I've never had, I'm allergic. Do they like, what is it creepy to like see a dead mouse? Like, do they bring it to you? Like, isn't that, isn't that scary? No, I don't have any hunters. I have, they're all hunters, but they stay in the fucking house. So, but if I let gray out and, you know,

I had Demi, they would bring home shit. You know, that's how they please you by bringing home shit. That's why when you leave, cats think you're going hunting. Because if they left, they're going hunting. So when you leave the house to go fucking, when you come back, they want to see that you're carrying shit because you're supposed to go hunting. I had no idea. It's a fucking different world.

It's such a intricate, different world of the cat and the dog and the animal and the pet. I wish I had more time. I wish I was 18 again and I would have fucking learned how to be a fucking mountain time. One of those fucking Zig Fleet and Roy type motherfuckers how to tame the tiger and fucking

sleep with him and pet his stomach. I like them. And animals read you, listen, when I was a kid, I got to always attacked. I always got to attack my dogs. And at a certain age, they just stopped. I just stopped getting attacked. That means I was a kid.

a rotten little motherfucker and the dogs knew it. But once my heart got pure, once I got hair around my dick, and I got my thoughts down, then me and dogs got along. Because I didn't get bit again after I was maybe like 11. Fuck. But I was getting bit every two fucking years.

And were you, like, going at him? Or they're just out of the blue? Yeah, I'm going up the dogs with a two by four and tell them, come on. No, I'm not taking him to hit him. I'm like, I don't know, are you rubbing it? No. It would walk up with a chain, whatever, and everybody would be standing around. And as the dog was pulling away, he'd come back and bite me in the ankle. I'm like, what the fuck did I even do?

And that happened to me twice. A dog walked past me with his owner, and then he came back and bit me, and then went back with his Doberman Pinch of Brother. I'm telling you, I had the worst. I got bit in the face in the Bronx. I got bit in the hand. You know, it was just a fucking nightmare. And then one day I stopped getting bit.

All of a sudden dogs like me? No. I stopped having fear in front of them. That's the real truth. My fear, you know, after you get you. get bit three times. You're going to see a fucking dog. So, you know, you have that fear and they know it and they bully you. It's like, you know, when you walk in a white, and a black neighbor, they're like, hey, honky, what's going on? And, you know, he just walked down

the street. I can't know. I would love to get called honky. I did my first sort of, like, it wasn't a black room, but like the guy I was opening for this weekend was black. And so he had like a mostly black audience. It was cool. It was a fun weekend. Listen, man, in a comedy setting, brothers are the best. But you got to be funny. Yeah.

You better be funny. And you better talk. It went in Rome. Okay. And they don't mind if you talk about them to their face. It was. With a smile on your face, you could call a black person anything.

I don't know about anything. I've been there. You sexy. bitch. Oh, yeah. I put a bad pussy off you. That's offensive. You tell a chick you want to eat that brillo bad pussy.

That's very offensive. I used to say it to their faces and they'd start sweating in front of me like, oh my God, he's going to eat my pussy. This white motherfucker. That's a black girl's dream. You know, a fucking slave owner to eat their snack. You're around with the hat.

Can't trust it. Oh, I didn't do that. And I even asked, the first night I did pretty well. But I have a joke that I haven't done in years about, like, I used to date a black girl. I didn't know that some black girls wear a wig sometimes. And I hadn't done it in a while. And I asked the headline about it.

And he was, he was so cool about it. And then he actually gave me a way to get into it. And like the first show I did, it's funny. You said like the black people are cool with it. The first show, I got half laughs, half groans. And the white people were the people groaning. Yes. And the second show was almost, not almost all, but a good amount black.

And they, it was like. I've never had this happen. That joke did so well that my usual closer didn't do well. I should have closed on that one. Yeah, but you didn't know. You didn't know. That's how, if I would ever go up and tell like a story, I couldn't follow it.

Really? Like if I went up there and told like the hookah story or something at 20 minutes and I had 15, 20 minutes left, I couldn't follow it. If I'd said something about my mother on stage. but I found it dead. That's why when I ever did the one-man show, it wasn't going to work.

After I brought my mother's death up, it just sailed along. And I couldn't put it in the beginning, which was I always really wanted to do. But that's a complete different chapter. I want to talk to you about something because there was two very interesting things that happened last week.

That really will affect comedy. Friday morning, a bunch of comics woke up from New York. and they walked with an email that they had been canceled. Gomez, Florentine, Kurt Metzker, Dave Landau, I think. Smith. Smith, Dave Smith. And there was a club by Capitol Hill, blah, blah, blah, you know. And a couple people contacted me.

What did you think? You were up in Seattle. What are you, you, you know. And I was in Seattle 29 years ago. I was walking around Seattle in 1985, six, seven, basically, because I left January of 1997. You know, in 23 years, in 20 years, the last 20 years, a lot of areas have changed demographically. and I hate to say it half of these cities are getting

are getting infiltrated with the people who get offended, those type of people. Gentrified. Yeah, with the dogs and the bullshit and the fucking, you know, and everything is a dilemma, you know, and Seattle has been one of those places, you know, that the other side of town is shooting heroin and killing themselves,

but the other side of town is fucking sensitive, you know, to no end, you know. And then, so that was Friday morning. And then Saturday, when I woke up, I was excited as a kid on Christmas. Yeah. Because I knew what was going to go down that night. I wasn't thinking about what happened Friday.

I was so busy in my life with my daughter, and we had to go somewhere. I was just excited. for 11.30. And I put that mother, me and my wife watched his special, because my wife had never known who Shane was. So I go, let's watch the special so you could see it.

And we all watched Sinai Live, except for my wife went up about midnight. But she watched his monologue. And it was so funny. It's like it reminded me when I used to be a thief. From the minute I knew I was Robin Lee's house, as soon as I got out of my car, I was a complete mission to just steal. There was no

that I think about how it affected my comedy, how it was the same mentality. Like I think about when I kidnapped Bella, when I went back to get the Coke, it didn't matter to me who was there. I was getting that fucking Coke. Right. That fucking door down like I owned it.

And I went in there and I just took it out and I just got in my car and left. And I did a thousand. I did maybe 10 things where I got out of the car and I knew I had a mission. Nothing was going to stop me. I don't care if you had 10 locks on your door. I was taking your dog off the hinges.

And then I would go in and even though you thought you hid the Coke or the money, I got it. That's just the way it was. And I'd walk out of there like I'd own it. And people from the area would look at the door. Like, he just busted that dude's door and walked in there and walked out.

It didn't even matter to me. Because if I ran out of there, then I would get their attention. But I walked out like I was walking my dog, like I was looking for Lulu. Right. You know what I'm saying? And I just went, I used to go deaf.

That's what the whole point of this fucking year. You're locked in. Yeah, when you get locked in, you go deaf. You go deaf. Your ears ring. Whenever I would do something bad, my ears would ring. Whenever I get excited, my ears would ring. Saturday night, 1130, my ears would ring.

Wow. Because I was so excited for Shane because I knew what he was going to do. Listen, you know, I don't know. My wife just told me this morning there was a lot of people bad mouth on the set and this and that. It really doesn't matter. You know what the fucking bottom line is? SNL had the highest ratings they had Saturday night for the last 20 years. Definitely.

And everybody saw what I saw that Shane was heads and tails about. those people on that cast. Whatever anybody wants to say, that was real comedy. That was somebody who started in Philadelphia and worked himself in fucking shithole rooms and PA and wherever the fuck they go around here to fucking train.

It's, you know, no picnic. And they fired him because he said some shit on a podcast. It's us cracking jokes. But, you know, people can't let nothing be with this in this world. You get a job, Marley, they're going to bring up clips from the church. Oh, yeah. 15 years from

that. You fainting and dosing Paul and Benjamin, you know, the whole thing. Are you a part of a fucking cynical world? We were dosing people. It doesn't matter. They're always going to find the way to take you down now. You know, they fucking

took his job away. This kid didn't hide. He fucking went and shot a special in Austin. From there, the gravy train didn't stop. He just kept, he knew exactly what to do and nobody could tell him he was canceled or nothing. It went in one of you

and went out the other. What comics? We don't need the fucking system at all. We use the system because we think we don't need the system. When you first got into comedy, you got into comedy because there was a guy with a fucking brick wall on the microphone. It wasn't because

fucking Adam Sandler did 2,000 movies. That's why you're getting into stand-up and tell me you want to be a tour man. You know, you want to do world tours. No, you're not because in the meanwhile, you want to be Adam Sandler. And I'm not mad at you. But there's a guy that went up there and, you know, his jokes weren't, I mean, to me, I was dying. It was great. I love when people push a joke and then they believe in it, whether you laugh or not, they're laughing. That burns people. People get rid of them, especially the people in that room.

Oh, yeah, the band behind him was pissed. The band and the poor gay Chinese guy with the fucking, you know, every time Chappelle went on, let's see where Yang is, you know, this guy went on, let's see, you know, who gives the fuck? What comics? What the fuck is going on? What the fuck has been forgotten? What has been forgotten?

What has happened to not only comedy, television, the last five, six fucking years? Everybody's had ammunition out. You can't do nothing. Poor Joy Coy a month ago. Fucking, you know, went up there. Oh, my God. For two weeks, they dragged them in the month. Little did they know he was about to sell out the forum two nights in a row.

And all that fucking publicity made himself 2,000 more fucking tickets. What, 10,000 in his fucking world. So, you know, these people love to, every time they point a finger, they haven't learned from Andrew Dice Clay. They never learned. What's that? You don't like Lee? You don't like Joey.

is shut the fuck up. If you know they're going to be on a show, don't watch it. But for you to watch it and then fucking say how they ruined the show, listen, I've always believed one thing, and I'll state it right now, where anybody gets mad or gives a fuck. There's the improv in L.A., there's the laugh factory, and there's the comedy store. And I truly believe this.

The improv is a great company. They're a great company. I love working Melrose and across the day. They made me who I am today, the improms. I'm not going to lie to you. I worked a lot of their rooms. The last factory was great to me. I always liked Jamie.

When I first moved to L.A., I went in there and did fucking Monday nights every Monday, 20 minutes, $25. That was $100 a month. That was big in my world when I walked into Jamie's. But I always believed one thing. I don't know if I ever said this or not. I don't give a fuck.

when you pass through the comedy store, not on a Tuesday night, they do the belly room with Lulu the magician. I'm talking about when you're in the original room banging it out with these fucking animals, and you're in the main room banging it out with the fucking animals. And again, I say the main room loosely

because my first seven years in the main room, I fucking, my percentages were 10% of doing well in that. I would bomb just on nerves and whoever was in front of me or whatever. But I'm going to tell you what I believe then, what I believe now. It made me a comedy Marine. And the people who were in there at the time when I was in there were comedy Marines. What does that mean?

We go in when nobody else could fix it. Okay? They send the Navy in. They send the fucking army in. They send the fucking Air Force in. But now we need some fucking grunts. Grunts who know how to work for laughter. They're not the best looking guys. You're not going to get no fucking hosts out of that. you know, America's funniest videos was 30 years ago with Bob Sagitt. It's not going to be pretty and it's not going to be clean, but they're going to give you 100%.

I know this because just being at the store would make me go on sex and it would make me feel the same way. I've got to show these motherfuckers who I am. It got you in that mindset. And that's how I've always felt about it, whether people agree with me or they fucking don't. Look at the people that came out of the store. Look at the people before me that came out of the store.

From Hicks to Kennisin to Dice, just that combination right there tells you that comedy store was developed savages like myself. People who don't give a fuck. People that either they could have been a comedian, a criminal in a prison, or a mental patient. That's the three outlooks of people like me.

But I knew that going in. What was the most likely one? Suck my dick and call me Shorty. I was born in 1940. You know what I'm saying? Fuck it. And how does this make you relate to Shane? When I saw Shane,

on Saturday night, on an American fucking stage, the biggest fucking television show on a Saturday, it reminded me that he was bringing comedy back single-handedly. He reminded everybody. what I already fucking knew. Listen, man, I loved that I joined Jiu-Jitsu

10 years ago. And I fucked around with it and I didn't know what I was doing. I was scared. And the bottom line, it was very hard. It was very hard. And you know, Lee, I do everything. I would fucking lip weights.

You were right there with me. And it's hard work. And that's why I stuck to it because it reminds you of whenever somebody says to me, Well, he's got a Taekwondo background or boxing background. When they say jujitsu, he's got two stripes on his black belt. That's a six-year black belt or whatever the fuck it is, right?

This guy's worked for that. I could see that guy in a gym on a Saturday with the windows fogged up. You know, and fucking he's in there wrestling on puddles of fucking sweat. I know what it takes to do that. I always loved my comedy career because I saw too many people that went to Montreal got a big deal, came to LA

and ate a bag of dicks and I never saw them again. And then afterward, then it became the YouTube people and all these people that I love when people just go do stand-up and they think they're going to go out there

and do it. Listen, you're going to get some laughs. But the 20 years I put in with 30, you know, I started hitting when I was 50, you know, the 20 years I put in before I hit, that alone would have killed most people.

Right. Because it just wasn't stand up and I had checks coming to me. It was stand up with a divorce and anger issues and fucking being broke. And it was a ton of shit that I couldn't do without standup. Stand up was the only beacon in this, fucking death that I was creating for myself.

But I know one thing. That's why when I do videos or when I'm on a set, I take pride that I'm fucking good at what I'm doing. They don't have to tell me twice. You don't even have to tell me. You don't even have to tell me. I'll be there without you telling me. And I got that from being at that store.

But it was because I would look at the people that rocked the house in front of you before that. Leatherman was the store guy. Bob Sagitt, God rest his soul, was the store guy, you know, Jim Carrey. I fucking loved that. And every time,

as a comic, every time I walked in there, I felt like I was in the church. It was my church, you know? And we, I think it came out right as we left L.A., but that store documentary on Showtime was fucking awesome. It was very good.

You know, it was very, I just happened. I'm just happy they highlighted the store. They let people know what was really going on there. But listen, that's every comedy club that you've ever worked at. Every comedy club has their highs and their lows. And then a star comes out of there. You know, somebody goes to L.A. and makes it big. And, you know, it's such a fucking great feeling.

You know what I'm saying? So I hope that a lot of people learned something. from Saturday night, these fucking critics and these internet critics and all these people who think they have the right to, you know, well, Shane's joke failed miserably in a fucking room.

You weren't even in the fucking room, bitch. And it didn't sound like it was like, it sounded unless they like did something, but it sounded great. And then like, it didn't matter, dog. He made his fucking point. And some of the sketches he was in.

When my wife went upstairs, the only fucking problem I had was later on and got a little raunchy, and my daughter was still up with me. And I was hoping. The 12 o'clock honeymoon's episode was good, but the fucking 1230 wasn't, so I couldn't keep it there.

So I had no choice but to go back to fucking... Saturday Night Live. But that was the only complaint I had when they fucked a plastic doll or something, how little head looked like, you know, it looked like it was going to blow the phone. Oh my God, I can't. I would have no idea what to do with that at 11.

But I only made it, really, I made it through a couple of sketches. I thought the, we watched the, actually, we watched the monologue at the club, which was great. And it was dying,

it was killing in the room. But like, as a young comic, what I take from it is like, I'm sure Shane would have done great if they got to be on SNL. But I don't even think he can argue that his career is a thousand,

time is better than it would have been. Better, without no communism in it. You know, without having somebody looking over you, you get drunk in New York, NBC gets a call. No, I don't want that. I'm as free as a bird. And when comedians realize that, listen, man,

Eddie Griffin told me the greatest story of all time, the greatest thing. He said, you've gotten to comedy not to have a job. Yeah. And Shane, I don't know if you saw, but they announced he has a TV show today and another special. Yeah. That's it.

Game one. It's over. All the people who, oh, he hates and, listen, I've always told you something. Money talks and bullshit walks. Money talks and bullshit walks. Now what I hope is this shows the country that edgy comics could be mainstream. and some of the comics that they don't want to use for TV and they don't want to use them projects,

one of the reasons they don't want to use them is because they'll outshine their fucking people. And that's not good when you come to me and you're fucking little bummy, greasy. Listen, I've always said it. I did a podcast two years ago when I spoke about it. Comics have been removed from the biggest forum. There's there's 500 channels.

When you turn on cable, how many fucking cable channels are there? A million. A million. And there's 30 comics working. And I mean guys that are raw, guys that are funnier than half these fucking Harvey homo types they put on TV to fucking sued white America.

It's got to end. Listen, man, I don't know if you remember this. This is a good story for the people at home in young comics. One of the best clubs in the country's wise guys comedy club. the one in Utah is one of my favorite clubs in the country. If I was touring, I would still be going there. If I had to pick my 10 favorite clubs, I would still be going there. The guy that owns it, it's a great guy.

I've known him since the late 90s on Tribal Tours. That guy's busted his ass. I think he's got four rooms now. I think he's got two in Utah and one in Vegas. I think he might have two in Vegas, to be honest. Yeah, two in Vegas. The guy's doing great. You know, I asked my agent when I first got to CIA.

I go, what's going on with that club in Utah? And he goes, I talk to that guy from time to time. He's just a little scared. You know, last time he put somebody dirty in there, the Chamber of Commerce, got a bunch of letters and all this shit. And he's always been a little touchy. You know, he does good with magicians and people with tambourines and shit like that. and I remember driving through Utah

and seeing that club I don't know for what I think it was me and Rogan for some commercial I don't know and I was like that's a nice fucking club and I told my agent

to call him he'll call this motherfucker and tell him this podcast has changed the game people want to hear these motherfuckers the people that Comedy Central's pushing nobody wants to hear them right

there was a handful of comics that needed to get the fuck out there. And I hate to say this, I was one of them. They needed to get out there. That was their time now. You could stop fucking selling your fucking boring-ass people. There's a whole list of comics that are doing podcasts, that are starting to come up in a different way.

They're starting to open up their lives, something that's never been done before, talk about their addictions, going to prison, their fears. It's a different type of comic coming up now. We were doing podcasts and all those guys in our neighborhood from Ari to Brian to Bert to Tom. That was early 2012, Lee, 2013. Yeah. In 2014, we were rocking and fucking rolling for us, for who we were.

It was the Rogan satellite hemisphere. We had Mark Marin fucking throwing heat. Mark still throwing heat. You know, and there was a bunch of young comics coming up. our podcast was coming up Ari's was coming up red bands was coming up ice house chronicles were coming up yeah those were fun days

and it was a fun period it was a very fun period and we grew like no other fucking group of comics ever that was a a spectacular fucking growth you know as a fan it was fun like I remember like those ice house chronicles and then like the early rogue like that's how I found you

was early Rogan and then like early even all of your guys's podcast because you guys were just, you know, you were guests on it, but like not like there was, every story was new and there was never anything like it. So I would love to know more about as a comic what it was like. What did it feel like back then?

It was great to, it was great that my agent was caught in the mouth. 2012. I start in 91. So how many years am I in the game now? When was Mercyborn? 21? So 21 years, I'm in the game.

And I'm telling this, this guy signs me. I do, I did a bunch of one-nighters. I think you came with me with Felicia, the Cobbs. We did a bunch of one-nighters, me and Felicia. And I sold out Cubs. And I'm like, and then I went out there and bombed. But it was podcast people.

They wanted to hear the wig stories. drug stories. This is way back. And I still remember my aging. I'm telling them, call this guy, like the bust people's balls that didn't like me. And it was still like, nah, we don't know.

We don't know. Last time he was here, he fucking did this. He hasn't been here in 15 years, but last time he was here, he did this. And it was always some fucking pushback. And then the guy would hear something. The guy would hear from another club owner. Duncan Trussell was here.

And he sold out the whole fucking weekend. Something's going on with those guys. And then they started, like they started, but the money was real low. Okay. And then, like, I would go in there, sell 200 tickets a night, five nights. That's a lot of tickets when you can't sell a fucking ticket.

A thousand tickets on a weekend. It's a lot of tickets. even though you didn't sell out of the show. The room was $2.50. Whenever it was, let's just say 2010. How many tickets were you selling a weekend? 18.

That's a big difference. 18. And that was after the longest yard. So don't believe the fucking height. The longest yard just let them know. 2010, I got married in 2009. I was already thinking of bailing. And then I think 2010 is when Felicia came along.

And we started a podcast. I went for about three months and nobody knew nothing. We couldn't get a sponsor. And then I told the story about mugging the hooker and lighting a wig on fire. And I booked Sal's Comedy Hall on 10-10, 2010. And it's Sunday night. It's a quarter of seven. The show starts at eight.

And I'm on the 101 sound. I'm eight minutes away. and my phone's ringing. And he's telling me to hurry up down there because we got a line around the corner. And I'm like, just fucking tell me that, you know, don't tell me this line around the corner.

He goes, no, we sold 150 tickets. I'm like, what are you talking about? And he goes, I'm telling you, man, there's a bunch of people down here. And I went down there, and I was in shop, and I ate a bag of dicks. because of... Oh, I bombed badly.

Badly. Badly. Were you nervous? I really wasn't, listen. At that time, my podcasting was way ahead of my stand-up. I had brushed off stand-up. I was only doing stand-up on the weekends at the ha-ha with Di Agostino. He was 20 years old, 21.

And I was going over there on Fridays and Saturday. Remember when I took you down in the hooker? with the black eye or something, tried to hit on you. A bandage on her head. A bandage on her head. Only fucking Lee Syatt. You left me. I did.

I wanted to do the, what, what, breeze are fucking crowd. Do you get the memo, cuck, sucker? Don't leave me with a woman with a bandage on her head.

But don't, don't, don't, yeah, that's what I do. Try to hit on the chick. She's a young hooker. She wanted to suck your little dick.

I didn't even know when she was a hooker. I thought she, I didn't know if she was a hooker at the time. Didn't you smell a neck? She smelled like you with the hummus. I didn't know I wouldn't smell her neck. Who smells someone? You go to jail for smelling someone's neck?

What are you talking about? Even a hooker, they want, you get to, oh my God. But yeah, this woman, I guess since we're telling it, it was like right after I met you. Because when we first started, I would just come meet you at the ha-ha. Yeah. We'd sit outside. You'd eat like a box or two of Mike and Ikes.

And you would smoke like a puff out of one cigarette and then throw it away. But it would just sit on like the furniture and just talk. And then one night this woman like came stumbling up Lancashem, which is like not Skid Row, but like the Skid Row of the Valley. Like it was creepy up there sometimes. That time it was very creepy. And there was a woman with a bandage on her head.

And I guess she was a hooker. I don't, I just thought she was a crazy person with a band. And she was just talking crazy. She just got out of the hospital. And then we were just sitting there talking. I'm probably 24. 23 and like, I don't know if you've even given me an edible yet.

I think maybe we'd smoke bongheads. I'm just so naive. I didn't want to throw you through the wolves. I didn't want you to pack. Well, yeah, but then you leave me six months into L.A. with a woman with a bandage on her head. And she starts talking about, you want to go see a movie? You want to go?

And I was like, I don't want a man. That's what people do. Listen, if it was a faggot with a big dick, I would have left. It was a woman with a bandage on the head. What do you want for me? You know what I'm saying? Give me a heads up That I shouldn't

I went to get a drink with her I didn't know she was a hooker She kept saying about that She asked you for I don't remember the money But she said What happened was And I can't believe I did it

Because you would think I'd pay for it But we went to that bar I think it was called Skinnies Across the street She got a glass of wine I got one drink And she asked me to dance And I've danced

One entire time With her I don't dance in a bar especially not back then and she leaned in and she's like, I'll make you feel like the sexiest man alive and I was chubby like I was always chubby and I was like I don't pay for like

and I walked out and I paid that I didn't even look at it like when you were talking about being in the zone I was in the zone I was running out of that bar because I was like just the fact that she asked me that I like the cops are here I'm gonna get out of the ATM if I was you and just paid it just for the story

see if she had a bandage on the ass what the first time I got herpes? me what kind of story. She had a bandage on her head. So what? That's the story. Whoever came to you and said, I just banged the chick who had a bandage on her head. I don't want that to be my story. She escaped from the mental hospital. You could have taken her right to that little. She probably lived at that fucking hotel on the corner down the block.

You know, the people understand is we lived in North Hollywood and Studio City. And it was always supposed to be nice on this inside, on the outside. But the inside of it, I used to see one of my first months in the valley I was driving down Lancasham and I see a chick with a robe with fucking flip flops

running down like and two minutes later I see some Mexican guy chased her from the hotel. She robbed him. She was a hooker. Oh, Jesus. She robbed him and I'm like, you know, now I know he's going to kill her but I know

I know she's pickup you know, I know she's going to pick up a prostitution charge and a theft charge. So I had a crying stop. So I just set a prayer for it and kept driving. Usually I see a chick getting chased. I try to hit the guy with the car or something, block them off. But I knew she had the wallet in the hand.

She was running down the street. It had to be fucking 7.15 in the morning, Lee. I know because of my experiences in New York City and other cities lurking at night, I know shit happens at 6th of the morning. So here I am on the up and up. I don't know. I think I was going to get blood. And all of a sudden, I'm just, it's a beautiful day to be alive. And a chick comes running past me with flip-lops and a robe.

And not two minutes later, Pancho V is chasing it with a knife and fucking. And you just kept going when to get blood taken? What are we going to do? I don't know. I just imagine you would use it. All of a sudden, I got a cape in my car. I don't know what that Mexican guy came from. I don't know. Maybe he's got a knife.

Maybe he's got two knives. knives, maybe don't like human people, but I ain't got to find out. They were playing in a hookah hotel and they get what they deserve. You understand? They're playing in one. What is it, Judge Joey? And I'm fucking making decisions

of what goes on in the hookah hotel. Yeah, dude, I lived on my second apartment in L.A. was Sherman Way and Sepulveda. For people, it's like deep, deep, deep in the valley. And I would drive down to Povita to go to work. and at like seven in the morning,

it looked like Grand Theft Auto Hookers. It was like people like I've never seen a hooker on the street before. I never saw them up there in that other street. They were always on that street every morning. I didn't go up there except to fucking bring my car to service. So, you know. It was every morning and it was crazy. And then one time when they pulled up to a gas station,

I think they get condoms or something like a dude who looked like me with a hooker. And like the LA is full of, I can't imagine what it's like now. It's funny. We weren't into that world. Thank God. You know, where we were. No. First of all, you got to let people know, the valley is the capital point.

Mm-hmm. It's where they make fucking porn. And then it's also the capital of the massage parlors. Right. And we were surrounded with massage parlors. Now, I'm naive at times. I was naive, but when I was, when I first got into comedy, maybe 95, I was doing the road, and I was coming back from Michigan.

And from driving, my shoulder really hurt, you know, from all those years of shooting baskets. And I kept seeing massage, massage, massage, massage, on the drive back. And I said, fuck it, I'm going to check to a hotel, but I'm going to go get a massage first. A guy driven like 11 hours or something. I remember I checked into the hotel You know It was like a fucking Nothing exciting

You know And then I went and got something to eat And I went to the massage parlor And I remember when I walked in the door There was incense burning There was Chinese music burning And I'm like, okay You know Chinese music was on

And I'm like okay And once in some girl comes out That was Chinese, no American eyes Very cute very cute you know if I was 30 something she had to be 29 or something

and she's asking me what I want I go my shoulder you know that's it that's all I want it for somebody to rub up my shoulder maybe right yeah they put me in the back room they're going to get naked

and get on the table and I'm already like what are you talking about right I'm not getting fucking naked so you know I thought it was going to be her dog they sent in this fucking Asian chick that had to be 55

hair was all fucked up she still had noodles in the teeth smelled like fucking soy sauce you know she was like the cook and she came in there she didn't even massage me she's like listen t t t and they had $40 handjob and I thought about it for a minute I'm like

$40 for a fucking handjob you got some fucking nerve I go, that's it. 40 for a fucking sucky-fucky. No, no, no. Hand-job, hand-job. Listen, I wouldn't have paid for a fucking sucky-fucky. I didn't have the money.

I was just picking up $350 and I had to drive back. But I remember going, like, I got to go. Like, I just put my shit on and ran out of that. $40 for a hand job. You fucking crazy. You can do that yourself. Right. I'm going to put that soy sauce hand.

on my dick and fucking make my dick salty. God knows if you ever had a manicure or a fucking pedicure or whatever the fuck they do back there. And that's what I knew. I didn't know those fucking things were hand job player. People tell me about those plays around

here. Happy endings. The last thing I ever want is a fucking hand job. And it was a way in there, getting a hand job, and the cops come in there. How bad would you feel? How embarrassed would you feel for your family? But on top of of that, I just don't want a fucking hand job.

I don't ever want a fucking hand job. If you're going to sell me on anything, don't sell me on a fucking hand job. You've got to be a lot more creative. You've got to go for the guts with Uncle Joey. How would you be creative with sex? There's like three things you could do. Tell me you're going to blow an arrow up my ass with fire on it

and suck it out of my dick. I don't know. You know, stunned me a little bit. I'll suck your dick so much. Your fucking, your eyes will pop out of your head. show me like an eye patch and go, I have a lot of them because every time I suck a guy's dick he loses an eye, but it's worth it.

You have one eye, but that's a sales thing. I want to lose an eye. Have you seen like the streets in Thailand? No. Oh, dude, that's what they do there. No, I've seen it. I don't want to go to. I'm not saying you're going to go to Thailand.

I'm a fucking beautiful 18-year-old chick, and next thing they wake up and she's got a wig on and she's got a big of fucking you. and she's doing bad things here and there's a little kid in the corner playing the drums and there's a wood dude with a camera. You know what I'm saying?

I don't think we're ever doing SNL. Whenever people tell me they go on to Thailand, I get a little weary. Like all of a sudden I smell like tears and perversions and God knows what. Because, you know, even if you're in a room with three chicks, there's got to be some fat fucking guy like me

in a room, two doors down with two five-year-olds playing ping pong naked. that's not what I want to fucking see. I don't even want to be in that building. I don't want to be around. What? I don't even want to be that building.

I don't want to be around Mike the Archangel comes around and just shoot lasers in those motherfuckers. I don't have time for that nastiness. Right. I don't want that either. But if they had like the prostitution

is a part of what like there's big and they have videos of like women going like being aggressive like that. But no, that does sound pretty awful. you watch those videos you got fucking problems no I don't look for it I know you don't look for it

but you still watch them and shit that's disturbing yeah there's some disturbing shit on the internet women are fucking whatever they they either stitch your dick on they don't even use the strap on they just wait to one of their comrades goes down and they just cut it off

and stick it on like a pogo stick and take their chances do you ever watch porn no I can't believe I'm going to tell you this. I'm too old. Okay. I don't know.

Lee, I don't have a, I have one Playboy magazine in my house. I have one disgusting magazine in my house. And it's the one with Hollywood Henderson. The story of Hollywood Henderson. Sergio Tega sent that to me, you know, 15 years ago. I remember that. I'm not, I'm not in any of it. of that shit at all, at all.

I don't know why. Listen, and again, I like looking at a chick's hairy asshole. You know, I like looking at tities and all this shit. That's what we do. Right. Dog, I love women. I fucking love women. Love them.

Love everything about them. Everything. They all make me laugh in different ways, different sizes. They all have some type of something that you want. but I can't be in those places. They make me feel like if I'm in a strip club, I feel like fucking, I went to dinner Friday night.

Okay. And the table too down from me were four guys, anywhere from 40 to 45, expensive watches, these fucking suits that they all look tailored and they're all the same. Right. Glad and they all had the brown shoes on.

And they're all dialed, It's just four guys. And they're in there doing whatever they do, being a little loud. You know, they wanted people look at them. I understand. But after a couple minutes, I'm like, what are these four fucking idiots doing here? You know? And you know what I remind me of when I used to do comedy at the Diamond Cabaret?

What was that? What was that? What was that? He was a strip club in Denver. In Denver. And when they first opened in 95, they used to have comics come down on Monday, night or something. And I always know this one thing.

Like I was very fortunate. They hired me and then they'd give me a steak. And I would eat the steak on the fucking rail. I would eat the steak in a table farthest from the stage. But there was these idiots that would get that fucking

20 ounce with a baked potato and they, and the place was gorgeous. And they'd sit there in their fucking suits and they'd eat. And when the girls have come over there. They were going, no, no, no, no, we're here for business. I'll go over there and I'll throw this chair over your head. Why are you doing that to this girl? She's fucking beautiful. I mean, this Diamond Cabaret had CU students, Denver. I mean, they had the

baddest motherfucking girls you ever saw in your life. That place and the other place across town, Choku Charlie's in Alaska, but there's a place in Denver that it's known. And that diamond cabaret, but I saw 20 of those guys. And every time I go there, like once a month until I left, they were always there. Not the same dudes, but the same act. We're here for business. Then why the fuck are you sitting on the railing? And why are you making believe?

And then the girls would come over and sit on their lap and he would flirt with her. And they'd talk about a boat deal. Why would you say that in front of these fucking girls? All four fucking dickless dudes, right? Right. I just tell the girl, listen, I got a, what boat? What boat? I got two Gs in my pocket. Let's go in the private room and let me suck champagne out of your fucking monkey or your

tinnies. That's it. But they sit there like trying to impress them. And it's so weird. That shit drives me fucking crazy when guys get dressed up to go to a strip club, but they're there on business. I want to see the guy that's got, as he's walking in, you can see a little puddle in his pants. Like he already came just thinking about it.

When he walked him, he smelt the fucking, that Greek pussy in the hand. He gave him that ID. He had a little jizz on his fucking pants. I'm sorry. But you don't like strip clubs. Listen, I just told you. I love women. I love to see naked women.

I love to see women in heels, not those plastic strip club heels. They make me feel like the women don't wash their feet, and it drives me crazy. Whenever I go to the strip club, I always worry about the women's feet because they wear those leather boots up to their fucking above their knees. Right. I know as a kid, you know, if I dressed up like Batman, and I had my boots. And I took off my little fucking boots. Right.

But that calf and that foot would stink for fucking ten days. You know, so while I'm there, watching them dance, I'm like, what if she takes that boot off? Like, I'm fucking dead. So I don't like none of those dress-up places. come out with heels. I want to check you out. I want to make sure you got no lice. Come out with heels and fucking the bikini on.

I don't want to see nothing else. You want to just cat woman, do that on your thigh. Why are you worried about it? Do you think her feet are going to smell? I don't know. Listen, after I smell my own feet, I don't trust nobody no more. You understand me?

I looked at my footstay in Jiu-Jitsu. It's like the fucking tail grows every fucking day in a different direction. tonight. I finish you. I got to go out there and watch the fucking game. Cut my fucking toenail tonight. Unbelievable. So I always feel that everybody on his feet.

Are going to be fucked up? It's not my feet that smell. It's the fungi toenail mixed with the fucking, you know. But anyway, back to his naked women. I love them. I just don't want to go to a fucking strip club. I get it.

But it's where do you see it? If you're not looking of porn. In my mind. Okay, that's what you just go back in you. I just, I don't need to I don't need to look at that shit. Right. Every goddamn day.

I'm okay with a bikini shot from time to time. I'm 61. What's the fantasy about now? I'm going to show up at their house and show them my balls and they're going to promise to say, ooh, it's beautiful. No, you just fucking. Shattered my hopes and dreams. Because you saw my dick at 61, you're not going to get married, though.

I would never do that to anybody, Lee. I'm not that type of person. You think they'd just give up if they saw your dick right now? They'd do something. Any 22-year-old, any 30-year-old that saw a 60-year-old dick and balls, that's not good for them. That's not good for them. What happened when you turn 60? It's when I turned 50.

I smelled the odors. I saw what the balls look like. It's a different game. You have drippage off your little turquick. Because in years, if P came out of my hole, it would get caught in the turtleneck and I would drain it like a fucking, like a Masamagy bag, those people, that bag on their shit. A claustomy bag.

Yeah, a colostomy bag. But then as I got old, I don't know, the rubber, the rubber band and the turtleneck, something happened to it. So, you know, life changes. Fuck. That's terrifying. But speaking, I didn't want to forget, but you were talking about, like, Seattle early.

You sent me a pretty cool picture this weekend. Yes, I did. Put it up. Let's put it up. Oh, shit. Dude, I came, like, I guess maybe on a bigger screen, it's a little bit more noticeable. But, like, when you sent me that, I was like, oh, shit, Rita O looked good.

Rita O was the original. What everybody's trying to be today and be a fake about, Rita O did it in 1960. Rita O was Japanese and Irish. Oh, okay. She was born a man, and she decided to have the operation, Dick, tits, the whole thing.

She changed their headline. She did that. Put the picture back up. I get emotional when I look at it. You know, She changed everything. And, yeah, it fucked her up. She was like four foot nine. Really?

Ooh. Oh, Jesus, Joey. Did you hear it? Yeah. No, of course I heard. Your neighbors heard it. She was like four foot nine, and she used to wear heels. And she got dialed up every night of a fucking week.

She had to, you know, look at it. She looks like fucking, God knows what. She was like, I don't even know. But she was a sweet woman. You know, I loved her. I ain't going to lie to you. I fucking loved her. She made me laugh harder than a lot of fucking people on the natural.

You know, the night we got coked up, and she got thrown out of the club for being dirty in Seattle. And she goes, I'm going to report them. And I go call the White House, and this bitch did. What? She kept calling the White House over and over. I want to talk to the press. at four in the morning

coked out of her mind. Holy shit. And, you know, we just had a blast. She died because she was a man and she became a woman. But like, you see the side of her head? And the picture

it looks small, but that's a big fucking watermelon. And she was four foot nine. So that's a big head to have on that little frame. Right. And she would fall. Like Willie Wonka, what's so things. She would fall like a weble

in the weirdest places. And then she fell like three times and two years on her head. She was on a speaker at a gay club up in Capitol Hill jumping up and down and she fell off the speaker. She was Buckwild. She was Buckwild. You would still get on the speaker? Why would she get on the speaker?

Listen, because they're fucking out of their minds. But I loved her. She gave me my first money to get head shots. Oh, that's nice. in Seattle. Was she a good comic? She had more balls

than half the people today. Because like I said, she was working from a different place. She was working from being real. She cut her dick off. She wasn't one of these guys that were still walking around slinging dick and fucking assholes.

And, you know, so I don't know what the rules are and stuff, but I loved Rita O. Rita O opened up my world to a, you know, she told me, about her world and she told me how much she suffered and she was like on fucking 22 medications

because of what came with the surgery. Really? You know, when you go to the doctor and you go to the pharmacy, you come home with one container of 20 pills. They're coming home with 30 containers. When she'd go to the pharmacy and come back on the first or the second, it was like a fucking grocery bag, guys.

And this was what year 91? 93, 94? 96. I met her in 95. We would be at the open mics on Monday, and we would steal her nachos. Oh, yeah. She would lose her mind. Put them down.

It's, because she must be one of the first people to have the surgery. It's really weird because I see her and I'm at peace when I saw that picture, and I'll tell you why. Because she was sick of being an open micer and all she wanted to do, was do a gig with somebody.

And I would take her to be my opener, even though I knew there was going to be drama. Even though she was going to curse somebody out, it made me laugh my ass off. I didn't give a fuck if they wouldn't bring me back. I mean, these are like these one night of bars, you know what I'm saying? Mm-hmm. They weren't like Madison Square Garden or the improv.

So I would bring her. They'd give her, like, 25 bucks. And dog, just to see people's reaction. I would bring her to watch her and I would learn. I would watch the audience. And then she would have a joke that she really cut her dick off and it's in a jar. And it was. This chick was great.

This God rest his or her soul. That's all I want to fucking say. I'm very sorry, too. All right, you could bring the picture down. I'm getting all sentimental and shit. Thank you guys. I'm very sorry that we didn't talk about your sets at the Providence. That's okay.

Comedy connection. Comedy connection. It's a fucking great club. Is it not? It was a dude. It was one of it. And I've been lucky. That little room is fucking fire.

Yeah. It was a fun. It's very small. And all four, the guy who I opened for Zach Fox, great, sold out four straight shows. And like,

so it was full. And I've done the room. The only other time I did. it was probably like half full and it was still pretty fun but like sold out every audience was really cool and they were young and i hosted which i have bombed usually hosting i usually i have not done well hosting and this was my best weekend hosting i keep doing it and you get good at it now you become more of a quarterback you see what i'm talking about if the the headliner is very clean and the feet tract is dirty you do an extra minute or two and you keep it clean so the headline that doesn't have

to walk into that disaster. Interesting. There's so many fucking things that I was watching Ray a month ago. The last hour when that guy comes on and he was at the country, he was at the, in Georgia or somewhere, the lights were on. And the guy came on and said, lower the lights and raise the, and at the end of the show, he goes, who did that? And he goes, I did.

He goes, who told you to do it? He goes, no, it needed to be done. Right. That's what, you know, anyone. But did you ever, because my only thing that I would be nervous of is, like, as a host, I'm, like, extra conscious of, like, time and not doing time between people. And I didn't do it this weekend, but. Listen, man, being a host is back to rule another one of comedy.

Now, you're never going to learn after you've been doing it at least 20 years. And that's be yourself. you're never going to learn or understand what that is. I can hire a computer, right? AI is coming. Right. Oh, yeah, it's here. Okay, so I can hire a guy to go up there and do 12 minutes of material and three minutes of ads to the T on time.

And then in between, he could just go up and go, keep it going for Paul Harvey. Don't forget, he's selling stuff after the show. All right, let's give a big round of. for the waitstaff, don't forget to tip these girls, Louise, Melissa, Tony, Johnny the black dude, you know, you're giving the room color now, right? Right. And then you could, or you could just go up there and go do that and go, don't forget, Joey Diaz is here, May 28th and Paulie Shore is here. May 25th or not out to the show. I can hire a fucking robot to do that.

Right. I want you to go up there and play with them. See what's happening. How are you guys doing? Welcome to the comedy connection. My name is Uncle Joey here. What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? Any parties, birthdays?

And at first they'll get like a little shock, but they're East Coast people. They feel you. Boom, boom, boom. Listen, don't forget, you ever see Carlos Mencia? You ever see fucking, what's his name? He's going to be here Memorial Day weekend. All right, anyway, listen, you know what happened to me last Memorial Day weekend?

I did one of those fucking Zanet. And I thought, you know, whatever. Right. Whatever. I did an edible when I passed out. And now when you go up there, let's say this feature act bombs. Okay. You can't leave that fucking headliner with that.

You can't just go up and go, let's keep it going. That was a great set. And they're like, boo, we just lost credibility. Why are you lying to us? The guy just got hit with 22 tomatoes in 20 minutes. You know what I'm saying? He failed the test. And then you can't just bring up the headliner.

Okay. I do something. And now you got that two-minute bit that you can bounce off who's coming this weekend, what the weather, something. You got that two-minute bit that you'll learn how to,

and it's just got the party started. It's Saturday night, folks. We got one more headline. He's tremendous. I know you all want to get out of here. You want to lick mama's monkey. That's if the headline is fucking dirty. Okay.

The headline is clean. You've got to be yourself and be funny. And this is when your own natural funny comes out. But we don't know that. Don't think I knew that 15 years ago. I'm lying to you if I tell you I did. I learned

that maybe five years ago looking back at things. Right. I still am not playing like doing not. You weren't doing crowd work but like I don't really interact as much as I should. No. Go out there. No, I want you to go out there

and bang them. I don't want you to ask people where they're from or what they do. No, I never do that. Or who are you married to? What did you eat for, no. If you're going to say something to them, you tell them something. Dog, where'd you get that fucking wig from?

Anyway, you know, and you go back, whether they feel it or that. But remember, if they don't feel it, now you've got to dig yourself out of two holes. Right. So your word's got to be banged. And you know what? That's what this whole thing is about

is digging yourself out of holes. So just say whatever is on your mind. I've got to take two steps to the rear and get out of here. You know what I'm saying? We've been here talking shit for how long? It's Tuesday morning. People don't want to hear this nonsense.

Love you, buddy. I love you, too. Have a great week. And now for a word from our motherfucking sponsor, Jacko. The check-in is brought to you by Lucy. Let me ask you something. You ready for a party in your mouth? Well, let Lucy in.

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