The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - TIME KEEPS ON SLIPPIN' | #238 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: April 10, 2023

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT.....   It's Monday, April 10, 2023…   This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT!   Go to https://www.onnit.com & Enter PROMO CODE: JOEY, JOINT or CHURCH    This episode is also brought to you by DraftKings, Manscaped & Better Help…   DRAFTKINGS   Support the show by downloading the DraftKings Sportsbook app & sign up with the code JOEY. New customers can make a $5 pregame moneyline bet & score $150 in bonus bets if their team wins. Call [phone] or visit gamblinghelplinema.org (MA), Gambling Problem? Call 877-8-HOPENY/text HOPENY (467369) (NY), If you or someone you know has a gambling problem, crisis counseling and referral services can be accessed by calling 1-800-GAMBLER (1-800-426-2537) (CO/IL/IN/LA/MD/MI/NJ/OH/PA/TN/WV/WY), 1-800-NEXT STEP (AZ), 1-800-522-4700 (KS/NH), 888-789-7777/visit ccpg.org (CT), 1-800-BETS OFF (IA), visit OPGR.org (OR), or 1-888-532-3500 (VA) 21+ (18+ NH/WY). Physically present in AZ/CO/CT/IL/IN/IA/KS/LA(select parishes)/MA/MD/MI/NH/NJ/NY/OH/OR/PA/TN/VA/WV/WY only. VOID IN ONT. Eligibility restrictions apply. On behalf of Boot Hill Casino & Resort (KS). Bet $5 Get $150 offer (void in MA/NH/OR): Valid 1 per new customer. Min. $5 deposit. Min $5 pre-game moneyline bet. Bet must win. $150 issued as six (6) $25 bonus bets. Promotional offer period ends 5/28/23 at 11:59PM ET. No Sweat Bet: Valid 1 per customer. Opt-in req. NBA same game parlay bets only. Min 3-leg. First bet after opting-in must lose. Paid as one Bonus Bet based on amount of initial losing bet. Max. wagering limits apply. Ends at the start of the final NBA game each day when offered.   MANSCAPED Visit http://www.manscaped.com and use code DIAZ for 20% off + free shipping on your first order.    BETTER HELP Support the show and get 10% off your first month of online therapy at https://BetterHelp.com/DIAZ   Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media:   https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world   And don't forget.....   The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON:   https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz   #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #displate #manscaped #bluechew #CBDLion #HeartAndSoil #DraftKings #BetterHelp #stamps #RocketMoney   The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media:   https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast   Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video.....   https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

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Again, that's 20% off plus free shipping with code Joey at Manscape.com. Let's get this party started, guys. What's happened, you savages? Welcome to another fun-filled episode of Uncle Joey's joint. It's Monday, April of motherfucking tent. as usual. This year, the train kept rolling. It ain't stopping for fucking nobody. You

fucking wake up. It's Monday. You fall asleep. It's Friday. You're like, Ripp Van Winkle. It really is. You don't even know what day it is no more. This shit's just fucking flying. You just take it for what it is. One minute it was Valentine's Day, right? Next minute was my birthday. Now we're talking about Easter.

Fucking, how quick is that? Just like that. It's done now. Now the next big thing is 420 bitches. That's the next big holiday, then you got Mother's Day, Father's Day, then you got the book, but that's not a fucking holiday. But it's fucking nonstop,

man, so it just keeps fucking moving. Great week. Getting better and better every fucking week. I jumped into technology this week. I did that PRP on my fucking knee, and do I have a PRP on my knee? I'm rhyming and shit on a

fucking Monday morning. Tremendous. Listen, guys, you know, you, uh, Dean D'Oray, my dear friend got into a motorcycle accident. I don't know. Years ago and he hurt his neck. And it was really starting to fuck around with his well-being after eight, nine years. I don't know exactly. You know, he went to physical therapy.

He was in the hospital. But sometimes these things linger. And he spoke to Joe, and Joe recommended, you know, a little PRP for. his neck. I think it was stem cell. And I remember talking to him. And Dean was like, dog, this was the worst experience of my goddamn life. He was like adamant

about it. I go, what happened? He goes, first off, when they took the blood out, it was fucking, like two hours. They just sit there and take blood out of here. By the time you leave there, you're fucking beat up. And then they shoot it back into you and they have to shoot it into that spot. So they shot it

into his neck, I guess. And he says he was laying down and he fucking fainted. And they're like, they didn't, they didn't even think to stop in the process. They just, like, kind of smacked them in the face, threw some water at him, made him smell some smelling salt,

and put like a berry fucking smoothie in his mouth. And he said he was awake while he was fainting. Like, he was, like, taking drips and fainting, like a Vietnam vet, taking drips and fainting. And he goes, finally, he just, you know, He stopped fucking fainting from the pain. He got used to it. And he came out of it.

It goes, it was like a 20-minute faint-a-thon. So, you know, I went to the doctor. Listen, when I did the brand-new knee, it was a mistake. Guys, I wish I would have fucking looked into it more. I really, but if I would have looked into it and investigated it, I wouldn't have done it. Once I saw the video of the mallet and the fucking hammer and the saw, I wouldn't have done it.

You know, that's just the way it is. So, and then I wouldn't have done it, and then it would have taken me another eight years to do the fucking PRP because I was scared. I had already done the knee surgeon. I'm like, what do I got to lose? So the left knee was the one that started this whole fucking thing. That's what nobody remembers.

The last time I did this left knee, I still remember being in, I had a UFC event. I did something with Rogan on a, Friday night and I didn't go to the UFC event because I was getting surgery that Monday. And I was fucking petrified, man. Monday I woke up, went down in the hospital, you know, whatever happened happened. And then once later, my wife was pregnant with Mercy.

That's when I started doing the, I started working out again, you know, when you do the, whatever fuck after you have surgery, you know, rehab, I started squatting. The guy wanted me to squat with one leg and then squat with two legs. I hadn't squatting in fucking 30 years. So I walked around with a hard-on for like a fucking three months. And then my wife ended up pregnant because the squats got your blood going and your leg's towards your testicular valve, whatever. It doesn't fucking matter.

But that was when it all started. And then over the years, I got a shot put in it. And then I did the right knee. and then back to the fucking left knee and then I finally got the brand new redone and my left knee

wasn't bothering me at all and all of a sudden fucking January came and it's like I went zero to 60 I've been fucking around with this left knee for months going to Jiu-Jitza riding the bike doing this doing that walking fucking hills behind here

and finally it just went to kaput so I'm like I went back to the doctor Dr. Plyle my boy and he was like listen man you know I could cut it I could do this that this but I got a friend that this is his whole world go see him you're gonna love him and it's funny when you you know when you look for recommendations for a doctor like you ask people that you trust like somebody who knows that field or whatever I asked three people in that field and all of them said the same guy it was like fucking it was crazy

like I was like really this guy they're like this is the fucking dude if there's daylight this guy will give it to you. I went down there, spoke to him. It was funny because when it comes to needles, I'm a fucking pussy. I've been training in acupuncture for, wow, 16 years. And every needle, I still got to think about it and shit, but it's not as bad as it used to. You know, it's not as bad as it used to.

So, you know, he's like, it's just a little bit of blood. And then it's all done in one day. You don't have to come back. They take it out. They spin it and they shoot it back into your fucking knee. We numb the knee. They don't even take that much blood out. I said, you know what?

I'll do that. I'm not doing testosterone therapy. I'm not doing none of that shit. I go, I'll do that for sure. And it took me two weeks to go in there. They thought I was going to chicken out. But I made an appointment. Then I got sick.

And they were like, oh, here you go. Because I tell everybody the truth. I'm scared of needles. If I jump out the window when you show up with the needle, it's not you. It's not personal. I'm just scared of needles and shit. So fucking Friday morning I woke up. My wife couldn't even go with me.

Usually if my wife can go to me, she goes to hold my hand and when I faint and shit. So she prepped me this bag. She's like, yeah, I got you a Coke Zero, like a fucking peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Because if you faint, when you wake up, you want to put the sugar in your body.

And I go, what's that? And she goes, she packed a fucking thing of napkins. A thing, like a whole package of napkins. And I go, what's that? She goes, because your palms are going to sweat. Like a motherfucker. Whenever I give blood, my palms fucking go ballistic. I mean, ballistic.

I had a friend who used to sweat from his hands. He had to go to doctors to get a medication or something to stop sweating from his hands. It would fucking drip. And that's how my hands are. When I go to the doctor, I'm just waiting to get the shot. When I pick up my hand, it's like five fucking, it's like a handprint on my jeans or on my sweatsh.

it's kind of fucking scary. I don't know. Yeah, it's a little bit of anxiety. So when I got there yesterday, you know, I got there a little early. I talked to the girls in the office. They called me back there. The place was rocking and rolling, you know?

So I felt okay. You know, it's funny as I'm driving there. I'm like, what kind of an asshole am I? I'm driving to my own execution. You ever feel like that? You're like, I'm driving to my own fucking execution. Who the fuck is this? I'm driving to my own fucking execution.

I'm like, God damn it. I get there. I'm like, I can't believe I'm in here. You know how many times in L.A., like 20 years ago, I would go to doctor's office and just go home, and my wife would say, no, I wouldn't go in. And my wife would go, how was the doctor's office today? Oh, it was great.

I'm fine. I'm going to live another 10 years. I wouldn't even go in there. Then she would find that a year later. You didn't even go. You know, so trust. trust me guys when I drive myself that's one thing

walking through the door that's another fucking deal that you know driving there and sitting out there that's one thing driving in walking in the door is another thing I remember walking in there going what the fuck am I doing I sat down they came and got me

I walked into the back we talked for a little while I always bring earplugs you know like little things I listen to ACD or Santana on my phone, the fucking iPod finally blew up to 15 years. I missed that motherfucking thing. I had so much great music on there.

I put my little fucking thing on. They both came in, they spoke to me. The girl is great, less, fucking great, talked on the phone with a couple times. Made me feel comfortable. She came in, right? They're talking to me or something like, ready. I go, yeah, let me put my music on. Boom, I put my music on.

When the needle went in, I fucking felt it. Now, that's what makes me faint. is the reaction to the needle. In my mind, it's bigger than what it is, you know? So I always go, ah, and I jump a little bit, and then I wait for the faint thing to start, but nothing started, right? Like, I didn't feel the faint coming or anything, and I'm like, but the pain was there.

So I'm like, eventually this fucking faint is going to go forward. And then I just relaxed, and I looked the other way, and I was fucking fine. Listen to ACDC overdose. Angus is fucking throwing heat. I overdosed on you. I'm getting into it. Finally, the doctor walks to my side

to take him blood on my left arm. He walks over to my side. And he's like, that's it. You're done? I'm like, really? And we're talking. But I see this fucking nurse still lingering. She's like fucking pulling like a rope.

Like she's in a ship or something like that. She's pulling, pull and pulling. I go, what's she doing? Is she still drawing blood? She goes, yeah, yeah, yeah. Three more minutes. Listen, guys. Ten years ago, when I heard three months.

more minutes, that's it. But I just closed my eyes. I let Angus do his fucking solo. And I looked up, and he goes, that's it. They put the fucking thing on me. Do you know I still haven't taken the band-aid off my leg or my arm because I'm scared to faint?

Because I faint at one time when I took the band-aid off and just looked at it. It was just a dot of blood, and I got all. I haven't even taken two fucking showers, Three showers since then. I'm not... Yeah, no, the arm battery finally fell off. The arm fucking band-aid finally fell off,

but the fucking leg is still there. I don't touch, I got a little swelling. It wasn't painful? The blood was the only thing that got me going. Then I had to wait 45 minutes while they spin the blood. They had the chemicals to it. They had the thing from the super shot. Because it's really a PRP super shot.

So they had some other stuff in there. Yeah, peptides, whatever the fuck, Malukia juice, I don't know. I waited, I spoke to them there, very nice. They mixed the blood in front of me. Let me tell you something. When I looked at three ounces of blood, like that's what they took out. Because she told me 60-C, no, first they go, it's a little bit of blood. The night before, when they called to confirm, she goes, make sure you hydrate,

because we're taking out, like 60-cc's or something amount. I don't know what it is. I just heard C-Cs, and I'm like, fuck it. You know, what am I going to do? Because I'm already signed up. And they took three ounces out. She told me they'd take three ounces. It was a fucking needle with a big thing on, like a silencer.

It looked like a fucking, I'm like, what the fuck? You know, I didn't see it before she shot me. But after she took the blood out, I'm like, what the fuck that I just do? And I told her, I go, you got to stand in front of the blood. I can't see that shit. They spin it. They talk to you a little bit. Doctor comes in.

And he goes, listen, I'm going to do this. I don't know what you're going to feel. I'm going to make it as comfortable as I can't be. I was like, all right, give it a fucking go. Put overdose on, a little ACDC again. I'm sitting there. I feel the needle going in, guys. And for a split second, I felt like, you know,

fire rackers, like whatever the fuck happens. and then I felt something go in, like something. He puts like a cooling agent on it, like this fucking dry ice on your leg. I mean, you could hit it with a fucking hammer. You won't feel it. Like I was hitting it. I'm like, I don't feel dick.

Like when I hit it now, I can feel a needle. But when I fucking, he puts the cream on there, freezes up, guys, he shot the needle in. I felt the liquid cocaine going in. and all of a sudden he goes that's it you're done and I go how can I be done you just shot the

the cocaine in there and he goes no what I do is I shoot the coke in there and then I switch the cartridge so the needle's still in there so I just shoot the fucking three ounces back into your fucking leg guys I love to complain you know I'm a pussy when it comes

to needles and whatnot I'd love the bitch I'd love to tell you not to do it. I'm here. I fucking got up. I walked out of there. I walked the fuck out of it and they told me I was going to have some problems,

blah, blah, blah. I came home, I got home. I walked in there at 10.45 and I walked out at 11.46. That's just, you know. And usually, like, I'm the type of guy. Like, you shoot me with a needle like that. I got to sit down for an hour after that

and think about life from where I went wrong and shit and should I call the therapist and all this shit, but no, I got my car. I drove home. They called in some pain medication for me, like I thought

it was going to be ibuprofen like 800 or whatever. I can only take Tylenol and they gave me acidifidamin with codeine. Yeah, they took Tylenolome. Does it do anything to you? I didn't even take it.

It's just Tylenolome. Yeah, I took Tylenolome. That was it. I took three Tylenolus the first day I can't put ice on it I can't do nothing on it and that was it I just figured yeah it was the neck and it was

it was the other pier this is a PIP shot the other PRPs and they use a lot of blood I think I don't know but I know that they use a big because I talk to the regular doctor and he's like he goes you're right the fucking PRP needle that'll send you into

fucking Pluto you'll get some flashbacks of fucking Vietnam even though you were never fucking there and I was like well that's not what I need because like I said I'll walk out of those fucking things the only knock is insurance don't cover it because it works

but I got to be honest of you I expected to drop like when I thought the numbers they were going to hit me with were just going to depress me not at all guys not at all it was a lot I went in there with a fucking I'm like they're going to fucking put me

Pluto, I'm going to have to make payments. I got to put it on my credit card. No, it wasn't that bad at all. I put it on my ATM card, and I walked the fuck out of there. And it feels good. It feels really good to take care of yourself sometimes. You know, like it really does. Like, nobody had to talk me into it.

Nobody had to beat me up. You know, this is what needs to be done, and you fucking do it. And that's it. You know, 20, 30 years ago, I wouldn't have done this. I would have bought a brace from nighttime television because they tell you the pain's going to go away. Put copper in there, whatever the fuck they do. And then, you know, that's what I would have done.

I would have never fucking got the surgery done. And I'm happy not to, anything. Anything I fucking do, I'm happy. The next up, colonoscopy. And I'm not looking forward to that one. That's a fucking nightmare, no matter how you're slept. Guys, is it painful? No, you know what the worst thing about it is for guy like me?

The fucking IV, they throw in your hand. They have one. They have one in a doctor's office that's, it's non, they don't touch you. A computer does it. I forget what it's called. I have to look it up on the computer. I have a computer close to me. But it's like, yeah, a computer does it.

Something with an x-ray. I really don't know. It's expensive. I don't do that. Insurance won't cover it either. they want you to do the fucking, the manual, the fucking finger up your fucking ass. Hey, listen, man, I found out something that I didn't take care of myself as a youngster,

whether it's my teeth, you know, when I say my teeth, I didn't brush my teeth at night before I went to bed. Just that little thing right there. That matters a ton. When you're a comic and you're doing coke, when you got some fucking chick sit on the, the couch and she's ready to snort coke you're not going to go hold on one second let me brush my fucking teeth as a matter of fact if you're snorting good coke you ain't gonna feel your fucking teeth

you know it's the truth you know right now i look at all that shit and i'm like i wish i would have had somebody to get on me when i was 20 and 30 to really take care i didn't even go to a fucking doctor until I was in my fucking 30s, 38, 39. That's when I saw the sleep apnea. I wish I would have saw it. There was a period I didn't go to doctor for maybe 10 years. Didn't go to a dentist for like 10 years. Walked around with an abscess that you could squeeze it and it would shoot pus at you.

I would sit next to people and go, Rogan, watch this. And I would shoot it and it shoot out of the molar and it would land on people's shirt. They wouldn't even know what the fuck was going on. I never took care of all that shit. If I got a fucking regret, it's fucking not taking kickers. Now look at the problems I have with my teeth and the fucking abscess, you know, the knees and shitless. When you're out there running and working and, you know, taking buses and shit, it's all a part of what's going on. Like, you know, my shoulder hurts.

What do you want from me? I'm not going to take the day off because I'm going to lose a day's pay. You know how it is, right? How many times do you not go to the doctor because you don't want to lose a day's pay? That's the excuse you give you. yourself all the time we all do it don't feel bad we've all done i'm not going to lose the day's pay i got to go all the way to brook that next thing you know you look down how did my toe fall off well you know you were supposed to go to doctor three fucking years ago and you didn't fucking go now

with what i pay for insurance and how much effort i got to put in to get fucking insurance are you fucking kidding me i get a i get a fucking splinter and i'm at the doctor's office well not anymore because you it's fucking talking hard to get a goddamn appointment. But you know what's not hard to get an appointment? Better help. And now for a word from my sponsors. What's up, you savages?

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off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash Diaz. Thank you. We're back, bitches. Don't forget to go to BetterHelp if you're feeling weird. If you're feeling like, yeah, man, sometimes you don't know what the fuck you're feeling. You know, you're like, I have been sluggish lately, but I don't feel bad. I haven't been sleeping.

Ba, blah, blah, blah, blah. That's when you give Better Help a call. They're quick. They're reliable. And they'll fucking have somebody for you to talk to within days. And that's it, cock suckers. What I want to talk about this week, the Monday motivation. I get a lot of questions, whether it's on Patreon, whether it's Twitter, Facebook, Instagram.

I think the number one question lately that I've been getting. And my neighbor, I was talking to her a couple days ago last week, and we're talking about one thing, and she's telling me that one of the girls she went to college with, which I met her brother. is trying to get into stand-up comedy. You know, she goes, he's been doing it for a while. He's got a great day job. He goes out four or five nights a week. And she goes, he just doesn't know the next step, you know?

And this is a step that I get it from Lee. I get it from there's two or three guys on Patreon that are really fucking going for it as stand-ups. You know, I live vicarious, them through them. They tell me what they do. And they're at, what they don't understand, they're at the best part of their career. That's the best part of your career. If I look back now and talk to you guys from the heart and go,

what was great doing town hall, the Chicago theater, that shit was all great because after a while you knew what was going to happen. But the greatest thing about comedy or being in the band is when you don't know what's going to happen. You just keep, we rehearse on Thursday nights. Okay. We rehearse on Thursday nights and us as a band, we book four gigs a month because Mike's got a family.

I got a fungi toenail. This guy does this, you know. And you, you do the best you can what you got. And then one day somebody sees you, somebody hears your music and it gets serious and the game is on, you know. But you're like Joey. when does it get serious so anyway to make a long story short

we were talking and she goes you know I'm embarrassed to say this to you but my brother's been doing comedy for a while and he wrote this thing you know and I'm embarrassed to even give it to you but he asked me if I could and I go listen

give it to me you know I got another room I'll give it to me let me read it and it wasn't the script there was his jokes you know like a set list and whatever and he sent like a half a resume what clubs you played at you know the stand and uh stand up new york just shit like that you know so i said you know give me a couple days and uh yeah i'll reach out to him you know and talk to him a little bit i mean i like her a lot i like my neighbor a lot they're great people fucking smart as whips and i gave him a call and uh

it was a great little conversation, man. It got my dick hard. You know, because this guy has been out there. He has been gone for it. And he's struggling with the when. When do I call clubs? When is it okay to send the tape? When is it?

And I'm like, listen, man, what's your situation? You got to tell me your situation. Do you have a great day job? He's a salesman. He sells something like a service. He makes great money, and after the pandemic, they work from home. So he's like, this is my opportunity. I could do this from anywhere.

I just don't even know who to call and stuff like that. And I told him, I go, right now the clubs are in, you know, clubs want to deal with people who are hot. You have to stop. You have to start with D rooms, C rooms, a couple B rooms, and work yourself up. And eventually you'll get a feature spot on improv, then you get another feature spot, another improv.

Then by mistake, this guy how are you to MC at an improv, and next thing you know, you're in the chain. It's not going to happen overnight, you know, but here's some ideas. He goes, well, I listened to you and you were in the church years ago, and you gave us some ideas about bookers. And I'm like, you know, right now in my point in my life, I don't know who's booking.

But I go, look up David Tribble. That's that guy, David Tribble, should deserve a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Honest to God. The more I think about David Tribal, I have not worked for David Tribble in close to 20 fucking years. Over 20 years. It's got to be because, yeah, last time I worked for Tribble had to be 97. We did comedy in a fucking tent in Arizona. It was 200 degrees outside and 180 in that thought,

Well, the tent will be cooler, yeah, because you put two fans in there. It had to be 100, fucking 70 degrees in that tent. I went down there with this comedian I knew from Seattle. He was the headliner. I was the fucking MC. We had to drive six hours and then do two shows in a fucking tent. And then get back in the car and drive all fucking night. We didn't get home until like five in the morning.

And I got like $200 in cash. It was a fucking glorious night. Get the fuck out of here. But it's funny. Before the pandemic, I could look at you guys and tell you one thing about my stand-up comedy. I can't tell you if I was funny. I can't tell you that the material was great.

But I will tell you something. That was really weird. The last two years before the pandemic ended, and I was out there every other weekend or every weekend, and I was out four or five nights a week when I stayed home, I was starting to notice something. I was starting to notice things I was doing on stage and going, where did I get that from?

Where did I fucking get this from? Where did I learn how to pause? Anyway, I was, throughout the last two years, every weekend, David Tribble would come to my mind, those Tribble runs. Those triple runs, when you're doing him in the beginning, you feel like fucking Guns and Roses. I can't describe the feeling to you. after 10, 15 years, you look at it as fuck, a triple run.

I'm going to be doing a lot of driving. And hopefully by that time, your career has moved on. But the best foundation for me, there were three people. There were, David Tribble was number one. There was a guy in Texas that I fucking went to war with. T.R. Campbell or something like that. That guy had, you know, a week-long run. And this is what you want at that level.

When you're doing comedy and you're stuck at a five-year point, you're really an MC, you could really feature if you had the material and the push. But right now, you're just getting a week here, a week there, a week here. If I attribute anything to my comedy aggressiveness, it was what I learned on those triple runs because it's every day. So you get in your car on a Sunday, you get to your destination Monday morning, and you start doing comedy on Tuesday night,

and then Wednesday you get up and drive. And another show. Thursday, you get up and drive. Another show. Joey, that doesn't sound like fun. It's work if you really want to do it. If you're really serious about being a fucking comedian, not an improv troupe,

not a podcast I'm talking about really being a fucking comic like Joey I want to be a fucking comic this is it there's no girlfriends there's no road manager

there's nobody carrying your luggage there's no room service in these hotels there's the smell of fucking curry okay you were going to check into a hotel and smell fucking carry in the gym in the jacuzzi

in your bed. That's what the fucking smell of, okay? You know, I had Wild Bill Bauer. I had this kid Bill Bauer, God bless him, so while Bill Bauer was a comedian. There was a kid Bill Bauer out of Colorado Springs. Was he Colorado Springs? No, Greeley.

And we were dear friends. I reached out to him maybe three years ago and thanked him for everything he did for me because this guy would pay me my rent and I would have to work off the rent every month. with gigs, you know? You have so many of those people that come into your life and your journey.

But to fast track to that journey, I'm telling you right now, guys, is those fucking triple runs. It is an experience. It's like I always say to people. I don't know if I could do it with mercy. I don't even know if I'll be fucking alive. But I've heard other parents say this.

I wish for me, for me, for my best, For my best results, as a comic or as a human being, I would love to hold my daughter back from school for a year. Her first college year, that freshman year in college, I wish I had the nerve, and I wish I could hold her back from that. And make her become a salesman. I don't care what it is.

Fucking lingerie, makeup, cars, encyclopedias. I don't give a fuck, bras, victorious secret. I think the biggest education for her would be a year. Anybody, this is my opinion. I think it would be to sell, to learn how to interact with the public, to learn how to deal with issues, to learn how to hustle, to learn how to fucking go, wow. It's the 28th of the month, and I get to check on the fifth.

I got three days to sell a fucking picture of Bruce Lee. how am I going to sell it to pay rent? And guess what? Like the man says, you know, you always, what's that fucking expression, Rolling Stones? You can't always get what you want.

But guess what, motherfucker, you get what you need. Trust me, I was a salesman. I know what it's like to need 400 by Friday, but you get $350.

And you go to yourself, well, I got my rent, but I don't have groceries. You know what? I can eat the curtain. I'll eat the fucking curtain. I'll do anything. You know what?

saying that's a whole education guys that's an education you're never going to get in college and then you send them to college with that education of being out there for a year dealing with people learning that people lie i'll be back later yeah we'll buy the car tomorrow fuck you i'm then you see him with a vokeswagon and you're like what the fuck i thought you hated german people you know it's it's fucking non-stop you need that and i'm gonna tell you something if i look at any single thing that helped me become a good fucking comedian. It was those triple runs. Because you learn how to write.

You learn how to adjust. Listen, when Triple calls you and he goes to you, okay, you're going to do the potato run. It's four nights. And you agree to it. You don't really know what's happening until that fax comes in the mail.

For me, it was a fact. For you, it'll be a text, an Instagram post. Who the fuck knows? But when you get that sheet and you look at the dates on the nights, you know, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, let's say you have Wednesday off. That Thursday might say that, hey, this club is a fucking violent club. If something happens, leave the stage, hide in the fucking broom closet. You know, shit like that. Can you imagine me telling you on a fucking Tuesday that the place you're walking in time Thursday, they might throw a bottle at you.

You know how many fucking rooms? I fucking went to triple runs and they had... You ever see the movie The Blues Brothers with the fence in the front? And when they're playing, they're throwing bottles out of them and shit. I did three fucking triple runs where they have that. One of them being Craig Colorado. I'll never forget Craig whatsoever. It's fucking etched in my mind.

But it taught me how to deal with all that shit as a comic. How to deal with hecklers. How to... If you fucking give a heckler light, he's going to talk more. how to shut them down without insulting him. How to shut them down back. Hey, listen, you're embarrassing your wife, brother. Look at your wife.

She's fucking pink in the face. Give her a breather. And then, yeah, and then they stop. It's fucking amazing when you say shit like that about their wives. You know, how they stop. What do you think I learned this in a book? What do you think Judy Carter taught me this with stand-up fucking comedy? No.

You had to go out there and fucking do it. And Tribble had these rooms that were just rough. unless you're Charlie Chan with a hat and you're white and you eat chewing tobacco, guess what? You don't fit in this fucking rooms. Because all those rooms are Wyoming, Nebraska. No, not Nebraska. That's a different booker.

All those bookers are fucking, you know, Montana. Like if you like Yellowstone, you'll like David Triple Runs because you're all over Montana. Bute fucking Helena. You're all over those motherfuckers. all over Idaho. That's why he's got the potato runs. You're all over fucking, yeah, they call potato run one and two and shit.

He's got, bro, he's got, Grave and Tribble had a room across the street from a room. So if you did potato run one, you did this room on a Tuesday night. When you did potato run two the following week, you did the room across the street on a Thursday night. So you were here on Tuesday

and nine lights later you were here. How do I know that? Because I got arrested. I did Idaho Falls on a Tuesday night and I threw a heckler out. I didn't throw him out. The club owner threw him out.

He was saying shit about being a New Yorker. Like, hey, you fucking New York motherfucker. I'm like, shut the fuck up and the owner throws them out. I don't even think about it. I finished my show. Listen, the shows are not you know, coming to the show

there's no DJ with Chappelle. It's just you. The guy don't know what your name is. Coming to the stage. Joey Diaz. He's from Colorado. And you walk out there fucking cold. And they'll tell you, like,

most of your audiences are Mormon. They're fucking Mormon. That whole part of the country, Idaho, all that shit. There's a lot of Mormons up there. How's your comedy going to work up there? In your mind, you're defeating. as soon as you walk into the fucking room. That's what gets you going.

The open mics are great, and getting into an improv is great, and getting into an elium is great, and getting into Joe Rogan's mothership is great, but let me tell you what's better, when you're walking into those fucking rooms and you're learning how to create from scratch, from scratch,

because when you start reading these sheets and they tell you that your audience is going to be Mormon, this and this, your mind takes over. And once your mind takes over, it's just pointing at fucking debt. Like, you know, I'm going to die in that room. I'm going to die in that room. Then you get there, and the headline is no better than you. The headline is like, yeah, you didn't do nothing.

I know you. You haven't done dick. You're better in the headline. You learn so much. You learn what to have in your car. You learn how to sleep out. You learn how to fucking sneak into a Hilton and take a shower.

You know how to jump into the pool and get in the little pool area where they have like Q-tips and shit. You don't want to pay for a hotel room. You save 30 bucks. Triple runs teach you so fucking much about life and the nuts and bolts that even if you take a comedy class.

Like I was talking to this guy and he took somebody's comedy class and that helped him. But between the three and five-year mark as a comic, you have so many questions, just so many questions. Like, what's your next move? Guys, I wish I could start a consulting business

or some kind of comedy agency where we can answer all these questions for you. I don't have the fucking time. You know, I got Lee, I got, you know, I got a couple guys, I got my wife, I got my daughter. I'm trying to put my life together. I got this book, I wish, I wish, you know. but that's that's one thing how you get better and starting your own rooms i've said this over and over

again guys nobody's going to hand you the key to the golden fucking thing you know one thing even lee said to me a couple weeks ago he was like one thing i learned about new york is you're never going to get nowhere unless you have your own room and you're promoting your own room that's an education guys that is an education also going on the roads and education taking a comedy class in education. But fucking start in your own room. Oh my God. No budget.

You got to pay the comics. Who's not going to get drunk? Who wants drink tickets? But it's the nitty-gritty. You learn how to book a fucking room from A to Z. You learn audiences. I mean, guys, listen, I had a great time doing all those shows of Rogan and Ari

and being at the comedy store. But when I sit here, some nights and I think about comedy as a whole, I look at the adventures I had when I was fucking struggling. How much fun it was to figure out how to put together a gig for $125 when you're getting $50 a gig. You're like, how am I going to up my status?

All these little fucking things were so interesting to me. You know, if there's not a fucking week, I don't think about that little Chinese guy. I used to torture in Boulder, you know, little Ron, Jesus Christ, that was fun. That was just fun, man. I would go in there on Mondays. I knew his night off was Monday.

So I'd go in there on Wednesday and tell him, I'm going to bring you Bill Cosby. No, you bring Bill Cosby here. How much? $20,000. But I'll take $1,000 deposit today. Okay, I'll be right back. You give me $1,000, dog.

His night off was Monday. days. So I get like a black football player and walk in there into the Chinese restaurant. Make sure the other waiters saw me and the fucking Chinese lady. And I go, I brought, you know, Bill Cosby, he's not here. Tell him. And also I'd go back two days later. I came in here with Bill Cosby.

I know, they told me. When is he coming back? I go, he's not. You forfeited the fucking money. I had to go on it with a straight face and tell this guy. I got to go on it with a straight fucking face. you learn how to go into a fucking bar and how to,

you know how many fucking bars I had in Boulder? You know where I had a bar that I forgot all about telling you guys I had a fucking one-nighter in the Canyon Club. Gotta go back 15 years ago. This is between 2008,

2007, and maybe 2010. It was right before I met Lee. guys I was struggling it was a zero proposition deal I didn't make a dime till they came in I had to get a beer sponsor to give me $100 a week

that's how I paid the fucking comics would a beer sponsor they gave me $100 bucks and the fucking club owner gave me $100 bucks you know how much money I made nothing nothing it was a night out it was a night out of comedy

and I got to pay a headline that come up I'd have like Rick Doakerman come up. I'd have like Ralphie May come up. I had Ralphie do it like 10 times because I didn't have to pay him. So I would just keep the fucking money. I would call Ralphie every other week. Come up and work out.

We got chicken cutlets up here, whatever fuck he liked up there. These are the things you got to do to move forward, guys. Get your own room. Nobody's giving you rooms. Okay, nobody's giving you spots. Dog, walk into any fucking bar.

If I wasn't as lazy as I was, now. I mean, listen, we don't have a lot of entertainment bars here in this side of New Jersey by me. You have the ballroom on Sayerville. That's like a big rock Starlands

ballroom, which I heard they might start doing comedy. That would be, it is a good spot. I heard it's a great spot and they have a budget you know, but they don't have like a little bar with a little stage and a microphone. Maybe. Maybe

you have like karaoke or something one night a week, a couple old people, you go in there, you tell the guy listen, I'm not looking for a dime. I'm just looking to come in here on Tuesdays and do 20 minutes. Are you funny? You know, you got to tell them whatever fucking bullshit story you got to tell

them, yeah, I'm kind of funny. But nobody's going to give you anything. If you think, you know, you're going to get a business card, the headshot, and tell people I'm a comic, and that's it, the phone's going to ring. Listen, it's not going to work out for you. Or I'll call Joe Diaz he'll take me on the road with me, that's not going to work for you either.

All these things are not going to work for you. It's not going to work for you. That's what this kid was saying to me. You know, I always do spots that stand up in New York. I was hoping one of the comics would take me on the road. Listen, that's a great dream. And it's going to happen. Somebody will take you on the road.

I promise you that. If you do the work and you show up at the clubs with a great attitude and you're not a fucking mook, somebody will take you on the fucking road. Trust me. but let's say they don't let's say they don't what are you going to do wait there for the fucking phone the ring there's like anything in life

you're not it's 2,023 you're not gonna just sit there and wait for the fucking phone to it's too competitive out there too many people moving around you listen you can't even take a fucking breather you cannot take a breather today in your career I haven't done shit in fucking three years stand-up wise

I don't know half these people I look at these schedules for the comedy store and this and that. I don't know these people. I have no hatred for them. I don't, I'm not hating on them or anything. I don't know them. You know what that tells me? That tells me things are moving fucking quickly.

Things are moving fucking quickly. When I look at the comedy seller schedule, and I know two people out of 20, when I look at the comedy store schedule that they posted on something. I knew three people. They would just put the top 20 comics at the comedy store. I knew maybe four of those people. I don't know these people.

That's how fast this game fucking moves. So it could either fucking move by you or you could get on the fucking bus. It's up to you. And most people are scared to get on the bus. They're waiting for a bus that wish they never fucking comes because they don't want to get on it anyway. They enjoy saying, oh, I go to acting class. I do scene stuff.

I do next week we're doing a scene from Jerry McGuire. Fuck Jerry McGuire. You want to do a scene from a new fucking movie. Nobody wants to do that stupid shit. I did acting class for a couple fucking months. And then somebody told me, get the fuck out of that because you're going to rot your brain. That's true.

Those kids will be stuck in there for 20 years being a fucking acting assistant coach to help them out to volunteer. Fuck that. There ain't no volunteering in your fucking world, guys. You guys are playing for fucking keeps here. No matter what the fuck you're doing But back to comedy

Guys Get on the guy's name is David Tribble I forget what the fucking name of his company is It will Make you a comic in ways that you never thought And it's the it's You're gonna be mad at yourself Because you're not gonna

You're gonna go this was not the path I thought it was I thought it was gonna be bitches and green rooms And Rick James and people rubbing my feet Not at all. Nobody gets a fuck about you. And that's a good thing. Nobody's paying attention. You go in there and try your fucking materials and walk the fuck out of there.

Nobody will ever see you again. What do you think people are going to leave Montana to go see you in L.A.? I saw him eight years ago in Billings. Let's go see him on Broadway. That's not going to happen. You think any of those people remember when I went into those rooms and bombed? Not at all. You think one of those people hit me up on Facebook?

I remember you 20 years ago. You came in here and told the joke about Godzilla. It was the worst joke I ever had. No. They forget about you the following fucking week, and that's what you want. You don't want people to fucking remember you. You just want to go in there and tell your jokes. Gage your comedy, see where the fuck is at, and move the fucking on.

And the eight-hour drive, that's all part of the struggle. You learn to see the fucking country. I never bitched once about that. It just let me know when I was ready for airplanes. that's what that tells you now I'm ready for airplanes when you incorporate a $500 plane ticket a $500

a week of comedy and you're like how am I going to pay $400 fly there and break $100 you know that's not even that's not even doable so everything has to go up you'll know when to take a plane

when not I mean frontier right is offering that $60 a month and you fly whatever you want but you know God knows of your land. God knows if you fly, because there's no reservations. You just fucking show up there and, you know, hope for the best. So I don't know what to tell you, but start with a fucking comedy room.

Start with your own comedy room guys. See, we take ourselves too seriously. And we have to find these exquisite fucking locales. And no, you don't. You're a comic. Oh, he needs a brick wall, a microphone, and four fucking people in the audience. and you can work your magic. Joey, four, fuck you.

Two. Fuck you four. Four is a good night. Two. And you just tell you on, I want to come in here every fucking night and do it. Listen, I did it in Boulder. I used to do 16 sets a month in Boulder,

which is shit. But all those rooms were not Taj Mahals. They were an Australian bar. One was a fucking bar that was as dark as debt. You couldn't even. even see the guy on the fucking stage at the microphone. One place was a fucking sound recording studio in the back of a bar. It only sat 16 people.

And it was like you were in a fiberglass. You know those, when they put that shit on the walls, the tape? It's like a foam and shit. Like you were breathing asbestos. While you were in there, you're like, is my lung going to blow up while I'm fucking in here? I mean, it's amazing. But it doesn't matter. It's not your final destination.

It's just a stepping stone And then the improv The Laugh Factory The Comedy Mother's Ship The Comedy Store They'll be your final destination Don't get yourself down Listen I don't give a fuck

What the ball looks like You're just working You're getting a set And look at it as one less set You got to do 5,000 sets To get to your fucking location You're just adding to a set It doesn't matter

It doesn't say anywhere. Oh, well, Dave Chappelle says you got to do 5,000 sets on improv. No, it doesn't. You can do these sets anywhere for any amount. The growth is still going to be in your corner. So don't sit there stuck. Start lifting the fucking rock and start thinking for yourself, guys. Because time is moving the fuck by.

That's how all this shit lately I've been reading the UFC, Chale Sonning with, you know, Connor and not whatever the fuck. He's not in the pool. or whatever. I don't even know what the fuck's going on there. But, you know, guys, listen, every week, you could throw as many punches as you want. I could write as many jokes as I want. I could be the best fucking joke writer in the world.

But if I'm not bringing them to a stage and I'm not gaping them together and fucking throwing them out there, I'm not really being a comic. So right now I'm not being a comic. It's passing me by. Every night that I stay off stage, it passes me by.

One of the reasons why Dom Rivera and I really connected his comedians and his friends afterward because something that he told me that's really interesting. He goes, I looked at because Dom was a basketball guy too. And he goes, I look at my comedy career as when I looked at basketball. If I wasn't out there doing it, somebody is. So just remember that. While you're fucking around with your girlfriend thinking you're cute, oh, I'm going to be a comedian.

somebody else is out there being a fucking comedian even if it's in front of four fucking people at a dive bar where Hawaiians throw darts at you Have you ever been to a bar Where there's a dart thing behind you And people throw fucking darts at it And you get hit with those No you haven't I have

Have you ever done comedy at a bar Where the stage is the door And every time the door opens up Somebody has to walk around you in the stage Doug these are all the things I have I don't want to hear your fucking bullshit. You know, the Japav. I remember I was in fucking

Sumoville, Oceanside, California, with Darren Card and somebody threw a rainbow knife up at the stage and it stuck against the fucking wall. Have you ever done comedy there? Darren Carter's a great comedian. You know, these are the things

you've got to go through, guys. Get ready to suffer. Enjoy the suffering. Once the suffering is gone, you've reached your destination. That's how you know you're there. And they're still going to be suffering. But it's not going to be as hard as when you were fucking sneaking into a, you know,

I would sneak into fucking karaoke rooms and tell them I want to sing fucking, what's that song? I don't know. Fucking being there. I don't fucking know. Some happy song, I tell them I want to sing fucking. And also I go up there and he put the music on. and I just grabbed the mic and start cracking jokes.

What's up, you motherfuckers? And he'd be yelling. That's not the lyrics to the song. Because he was like some English guy. We do what we fucking do, cocksuckers. The main thing is we push fucking forward. That's your Monday motivation for the 10th of April. Time keeps moving.

The book will be ready. May 2nd. Order your books now. Tremendous. The stories of you. a Comedy Savage on Amazon and there's somewhere else where it's free shipping. I forget. Check my Instagram.

And that's it and that's that. I love you, motherfuckers. Thank you for checking in. Thank you for having my back. And have a great fucking week. And I'll see you, Cuckuckuckers. Next Monday, tip-top Magoo. All right, you savages.

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Again, that's 20% off from pre-shipping with co-joie at manscape.com. I want to thank Manscape, Draft Kings, and BetterHelp. And I want to thank you savages for always having my back. Stay black, have a great week, and I'll see you, Coxuckers, next Monday.