The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - Uncle Joey Diaz and his main man Lee Syatt

Episode Date: June 17, 2025

This week on The Church of What's Happening Now Joey Diaz is turning into an internet troll, Lee finds out that fireworks actually are illegal in Tampa, Joey on the types of people you see at protests and why family can be overrated. Support the show and get your first month of BlueChew for free by pressing in code JOEY at https://www.bluechew.com Support the show and switch to Mint Mobile. Get a 3-month 5 gigabyte plan for just $15 a month. Head to https://www.mintmobile.com/CHURCH  

What's happening, beautiful people. Uncle Joey here with my main man Lee Syatt. Tuesday, the 17th of June. Holy shit, the year is on fire. What's happening, beautiful people? It's a Tuesday morning. I'm feeling good. I'm looking good.

What's up with you there? I'm good. I'm happy. Anytime I'm somewhere with you and you get annoyed really easy, I'm like, oh, it's going to be a fun night. Oh, yeah. When you get annoyed, I'm like, ooh, this is going to be a good one. Oh, yeah.

I'm always fucking annoyed. You know what I'm going to torture me? Bockely Rob and fucking $10,000 tickets and, you know, I'm going to put up with this shit on a Monday now. I'm trying to relax and look at that statue of Google that has been on there. It's been on fucking Google for two fucking hours. Okay, plus I've been getting email. I set up that computer.

Oh, yeah. My wife told you. Yeah, yeah. I can. I got eight emails from Google. Like, we got your email, we discovered. You know what? I wasn't even looking for that fucking email.

I didn't give a beauty and the beast. I can give a fuck of it. disappears. Oh, yeah. And the old church one on Google, that could disappear too at this point. Well, that... That disappeared. They all disappeared on me. They don't disappear. They just get logged down and then you have to log back in. You say things like... Yeah, and then I forget the login, so fuck it. Just create a new email address. Once I forget the login dog, you're done. I got... I don't even know I put my Twitter and my Facebook on the big computer because I don't have a login information. What do you mean? I don't even know how that's possible. Like, I had to get logged back

into YouTube. So that's, your wife and I were going back and forth for like an hour today trying to figure it out. That's probably all the emails you got.

But like, I don't understand how you lose everyone, I forget my password. I get all right. Yeah. Okay? When I'm setting up all that shit,

I'm high. So just hit forgot password. And I get, what? So just hit forgot password. And then it starts a whole new thing. And then you got to send your email

and they send it back and click the button. And I got to click it back now. I'm not. I just, I can't. You just start a new email address every time? What's that? You just start, like, a new email address every time?

I just start everything new. I don't touch it. Once it disappears, I start a new one. Then I go back, and they're like, you already have, like, nine accounts. It's fucking how I have you. I got, like, three IMDB accounts. Are you paying for all of them? I don't know.

I have no fucking idea who pays for these. It used to send me a note, like, hey, you got 30 days to pay. They just gave up. They just stopped. What do you do? SAG disappeared. Sag after? Disappeared on my computer.

Just dis-fucking peered. And then I tried to put it on my laptop and I went through all that shit to send us this. What's your first born? What's your favorite ice cream? They must have asked me 10 of my fucking secret code. They asked you like your favorite ice cream.

What was your first dog's name? And I put the dog's name and it's wrong. And I'm like, God damn it. That's the only dog I had when we came from Cuba. Hercules, nah, wrong. And then you're sitting there scratching your head. I got nobody to call. I got no mother.

I got no father. I got no grandfather to ask what the name of that fucking dog was. So I'm fucked. I just lose the account. That's amazing. If not, they throw you with pick the six trailers. And I got to pick fucking six bicycles. That shit never works.

And I got to go back again. I hit the trailer. It zips out. And then they hit you with a different one. Pick the plowperts. I pick the fucking flower pots again. I'm done. I don't have the patience for this shit.

No. Now I post some on Instagram and the thing comes up. Do you want to post it on Facebook? Listen, if I want to go to Facebook, I would have been on Facebook. I don't want to post this on Facebook. I want to post this on Instagram. I got all different shit I post on Facebook. Because Facebook and Instagram are different to me.

Right. Oh, yeah. I got idiots from grammar school following me on Facebook. And family people and like fucking retards. On Instagram, they're all retards. It's like you just go off. It's a different form of retort. Yeah, it's a different form of retard.

But on my Facebook page, I got goofy people. Like, you know, just goofy fucking people, like, from grammar school and high school, and they ask me stupid questions from time to time. I don't mind, but it's too different. Twitter, I don't know what they are anymore. It's X. Whatever the fuck. I don't even know what Twitter is.

Who's on Twitter? What's on? The only one I know. Oh, terrible people. Okay. Is she still on Twitter? Good for her. Yeah.

She's still on Twitter, but I don't know the rest of these. These people are fucking crazy. Is you all over? Listen, something happened to the internet during the pandemic. The pandemic hit us March 17th. They closed everything down. Around the near? By May, something had happened on the internet.

I think people being at home for two months, something happened, and we've never recovered it. There's just a lot of people on there. It's just, I don't know, like just fucking talking stupidity. And you see it and you go, you know what? I don't know what's going on. I go on in the morning, the first stupid thing I do, I shut it down and go on Drapkins.

That's it. I swear to God. How long do you last? Like eight minutes? Like not even? Fifteen. I told you, bro. My record this week, I spent 46 minutes a day on the computer.

Damn. That's my all-time lowest record. I'm done. That's great. I got no pages to look at. That's why. I got none to look at. You can look at Google.

Yeah, I go to YouTube. I look at what happened with the Gambinos, the fucking the club. uh, Joe Rogan is hiding fucking this. It's, it's, you know, it's just YouTube is garbage. The front page of YouTube, it's, it's, I don't even know. And you're clicking on the podcast and it's a guy in his basement. And you're like, what the fuck guy?

The picture looked good. Mm-hmm. But I clicked on and it's like, hi, we're coming to you with a fucking bow haircut. Oh, yeah. The mob guy with a bow haircut. Hi, I'm in my living room. No shit. I can tell you not the Empire State Building.

Oh, my God. You know, it's, it's, it's. It's fucking insane. And every day there's on the front page of YouTube they're either torture and Bert. They just hate Bert, and Bert should just go away at this point. When they start making videos about you daily,

that's a problem. Yeah, for both of them. It must be because you're clicking on them and thinks you want to see, like, comedy, TMZ stuff. No, I don't want to see anything. I click on the music. So I go on that front page because maybe there's something that I haven't listened to.

Maybe there's just some, a couple days ago I fucking put on Santana. I saw Santana breakfast on it. I just, because I have a playlist. It just develops a playlist on YouTube of all the shit you listen to over the years. So every once in a while, I'm like, I got to listen to something else.

I go to the front and I'll find like a live concert or something, I'll go on that and I'll break up the monotony. But I don't read nothing. Right. I don't read anything. Okay, there's no reason to read shit I read messages

If you send me a message and it's halfway decent I'll read it If it's, I was getting these messages These people that They have proof that they, what's his name, got killed And I'm sitting there every morning like Who cares? What can I do?

The guy from Nirvana They got killed They have proof, it's about the bust The truth is going to come out We want you to be a part of it. Listen, Why? What am I?

A historian? I don't need to be a part of this shit. Joe Diaz broke the news. I don't need that in my life. I really don't want it. I don't need it. No, I don't blame it. I get shit guys that would...

There's days my wife comes down and she knows. She's like, what's going on? I go, you have no idea. You just have no idea the shit people send me and what I'm forced to read because I have to give you the benefit of the doubt. I get a lot less than my mother died. I don't know what to do.

that's fine. My father died. I got a nephew sick. We'll talk. But you get people that I think they forget I'm 62. I think they forget that I'm a fucking old geezer. I got no teeth. I think they forget that I'm at home. Yeah, I don't think they forget. I just think they, like, I don't know if they're crazy or what it is. But like I had some guy today who was very nice, but he was real sweaty and just came up and just started talking. It was like, it freaks. you out sometimes. Talk, I had a guy yesterday at the weed store. I went to the weed store. Now, I hate going to this weed store. They have different weed. So I go there. Like, I didn't go from January. I stopped going. I got sick in January. And I go, I don't need to go up there no more. Because

every time you go up there, it's fucking craziness. It's in freehold. I like the wheat store. The weed store is phenomenal. What I have noticed the last three times I've been there is that business is terrible. Yeah. Business is terrible. They used to be lines in there. Three fucking lines. The last three times

I've been in there, I've been the first one in the line when I get in there. That's not good. But even with the lower amount of people, you still got fucking lunatics that go in there. I had a woman who came up to me there maybe like April and just talked this

crazy shit like I had known her. She's like, hi, Joey. She goes, you know, I just got out of rehab. Well, what the fuck are you doing in a wheat store? Okay. It's like that woman who at the ha-ha that time with a bandage around her head that you abandoned me with. Oh, yeah, no, no, but this was even crazy. This lady came up to me.

She's like, hi, Joey. I've seen you on Rogan. Nice to meet you. Where do you live? Marlboro. I live in whatever, you know, blah, blah, blah. And right into it. She goes, I just got out of a rehab on Thursday.

I go, what did you go to a rehab for? She goes, alcohol and pills. Like, all right. And she's like, now I got to go home and deal with a husband I don't love. Nice to meet you. And I'm like, okay. And she just went on from then, took it like I was a therapist.

Oh, yeah. And I'm sitting there going, what did I do? Like, do I have a fucking white jacket on? And this went on for 15 minutes. You let it go? Huh? I can't. I bring up a chewing gum or something.

and you let me go for like eight seconds. You let this woman go for like 15 minutes? I was trying to be nice. She got out of rehab. She had glasses. I couldn't smack her. You know, I just, you've got to be nice to some people and listen to them and hear them out.

Some people might tell you something that's interesting. But this lady was telling me everything about her fucking life. And at night, he treats me like a hooker. You know, and I'm like, oh, well, that's, he goes, he treats me like a hooker. It's not even up to me. I'll never forget the conversation. It's not even up to me. to me I got out of rehab he was all over me I'm like okay can I take your number so I

could call you from time now I got listen I married my wife you know yeah fucking animal okay so fucking kill you I'll see you again and okay that was it but Sunday was brutal because it was raining and this motherfucker pulled up with like a wife beater and like a shirt unbuttoned okay he's like Joey Diaz how you're doing and he's just a Listen, man, what you talk about is deep. And I can relate to you. You know the Jersey Strong? I'm like, what?

And he's like, Jersey Strong on the 79 and the 18. I'm like, I don't know. And he goes, come in there. I'm the mayor of that place. I went to do shit. Anybody you need to know them there. He goes, I know everybody. Bon Jovi, everybody.

You come in there and I want to do you. Also, I'm looking at him, and he went into something else. He said, my father was into psychedelics, and he went into that shit. and the fucking phone rang. Thank God. And there was Nikki Pork chops, and I'm like, I'm going to give this motherfucker a bonus.

This guy just saved my life. And he's like, oh, hey, you could take that. No shit. I just zipped the window in his face. My whole arm was drenched. From the fucking car was drenched because he wanted to talk.

It's fucking raining out. He's out there with drops on his head. And then my neighbor called me that day. He's like, can I talk to him for a second? He goes, I didn't know you. political. And I go, I'm not. He goes, then what's that picture I saw on that? I go, my nephews, helping the guy with the campaign. I took a picture with me. He goes, have you read the comments? They hate you. I go,

I don't give a fuck. I go, first of all, what we were talking about before, you could sit here every night. You could tell I'm not political. I don't have Trump on here. I don't even know what the vice president's name is. I don't know anything. Neither is Trump. And these guys were like, he goes, oh, They were going off, Democratic. Because they're idiots.

Yeah. Because they're idiots. Because they, and I do, I'll do this to them once a year. Last year I came up and went to the projects and took a picture. They went nuts. They went nuts. And they think it bothers me. For me, it's just me fucking with them.

You should make like a fake campaign sign for like someone who's not even running just to fuck with them. Because like, dude, who can't? And your nephew was working for him. I'm sure he's a great guy, but like, who, like you say, who cares who the president wins?

Who cares who the sheriff is? How is that going to change your life at all? You're going to hit with a different billy time? You know what I'm saying? He's going to hit you with a rubber one and a wooden one. You know, it's just

people have nothing in their lives no more. You have to turn into a troll. You have to start trolling people online. That would be so great. For what? Just putting up pictures that you know are going to piss people off. I could do that every day.

I know. I could do that to the cows come home because I know what gets them. I know what music gets them round up. Oh, yeah? When I play Bush, they lose their mind. I play Bush, they lose their mind. You know, Bush, there's a couple bands

that they just hate fucking hate. And I'll do it just, because I don't give a fuck. Yeah. It's what I'm listening to that morning. Isn't that what they listen? That's what I'm listening to. Oh, my God. Have you ever yelled at this out?

Because I, you know, me, I don't say anything to anybody. But like a year or so, I was in line at like a CVS at Friday at like 8 p.m. And this woman was yelling at the cashier about the COVID vaccine that they were testing it on kids and doing things. And there was a line. And I was like,

miss, it's seven o'clock on a Friday. Give this guy a break. Seven o'clock. She was like, they're doing it and they're making. She's been home all day. And she watched World News tonight.

And that took it to a, CNN and that took it to a different dilemma. You know, it's, it's dog. between the TV, think about it. You go from one extreme to the other. And if you're not reading a book,

you're just reading shit that's manufactured. If you're not reading a book at this point, if you go online, you've got to assume it's 50% real. But you've got to go in there like that. You have to go in going. Whatever I'm about to read, 50% is bullshit. At least. Okay, and then if you watch TV,

if you put on, like, I know that, I don't know what network it is. I laugh every night. I laugh when my wife tells me the stupid shit. Like, I'm 62 years old. I don't know what the far right is or the far left. And you know what? I don't want to know.

Yeah, that's even better. I don't need to know. And then I know there's one CNN is anti-Trump. Yeah. And Fox is Trumpy. Yeah. Like, really? So the news is going to be right there.

Oh, it's such a, it's a, it's a, right there. Just those two channels. The news is going to come out a little differently. So again, when you watch those two. channels, you're in for 50%. Yeah. 50%, maybe even 40.

At best. Because they're doing it from a different perspective. It's like when I went on Rogan, I was talking about why I like the singer of Judas Priest as much as I did always, because he wrote all those lyrics about fucking and sucking but while you're thinking about women, he was writing those lyrics thinking about a man.

Oh yeah. That's brilliant. That's brilliant. And that's what you're getting now. But he was doing it because he's You know, he was slinging dick, I mean. Right. Bro, you got to read his book. His book is fucking brutal.

Brutal. What would he do? Just fuck everybody? Oh, and when he would take you to the cleaners, he busted a guy's o'ring. What? He busted a guy's o'ring in Chicago, a designer. Oh, wow. Guy had to go to the hospital with a busted fucking o'ring.

His asshole looked like fucking Tel Aviv. The singer must have been pretty proud of it. Oh, my God. I was going to say that's my favorite. My favorite news is what's. happening in Israel today with Joey Diaz. And you just call me like, you're saying, have you seen what Israel's been doing? I'm like, no.

They're ready to fuck people up. You know, it's like, you look at, even the other day, they have, when I called this blind, I called this blind. Nikki told me that nine people escape from the ice thing. Right? And I'm sitting there going, nine people escape from Newark at the ice day. Two, three hours later, you know, I smoke my numbers.

I eat my little eddies. I go from my seven o'clock garage. And I come back home and my wife has 12, New Jersey 12. She was waiting for the weather. And also, they're like breaking news, you know. Four people escaped, and there's a protest going on right now. And without even looking at, I go, let's see where the chubby chick is. Dog.

First one. The first one, a fat, bald one with a lesbian Nazi thing on her arm, pushing the truck. Like she was going to push it. Dog, she caught a beating. That was so ferocious. Was it the red truck? I think I saw that. You see her over?

They ran her over. They picked her back up, punched her in the head. She came running back. Julio, Julio. Oh, my God. They're punching her. She's like, Julio, Julio. Why is there always a fat chick

that hasn't got dick at eight years at those protests? They're always chubby. They always got fucking blue hair. They're always going to be like, it's always something. I don't know what it is with lesbians or chubby chicks that run down there to get beat up.

I don't know what it is. To get beat up. Listen, I'm not afraid of you getting beat up, but if you stand in front of my car, I'm allowed to hit the gas. The fucking people in Florida, they did not fuck around. That sheriff said, I'll hit you with the fucking car.

If you throw something, we're going to shoot. Your body's just, your family's going to get notified to where to pick up the fucking remains. Jesus. And you know what? Nobody threw nothing. Yeah.

Nobody threw a fucking. thing. They had a big protest in Albany. I got stuck in traffic. They had a big, they had a protest everywhere this weekend. Every fucking 2,000 cities. Everybody had a protest. Do you see him in L.A.?

All our neighbors were out. Half a studio city was down there. You know, this can't happen. No Kings Day. How about no cock day? If you had cock, you

wouldn't be a Kings Day. Yeah. That's every day for them. That's every day for them. But I would love to see you, like, what if you walked in and them writing their signs? Like, because they color the signs. They don't write their signs. They have those people.

They pay whoever fucking these or running these fake campaigns. These people that go to these fucking things, they can't even write. They can't, you know, half of them. And the ones in L.A., you can tell. The guy with the flag and the whole thing, he can't fucking write, Doug. Those people can't write. No. Okay?

So it's just a shame what's going on. It's a shame that every fucking June in this country, we have to fucking get into this shit now. Every fucking June, two years ago, Floyd, three years ago, this. Well, Floyd was five years ago. But now you have, you know, last year was the Palestinians. Before that it was the Jews saying that the way to fuck are our hostages. Now it's Hamas.

Every week is something different. And in New York, they come out. I mean, and the other night I'm watching an ice fucking thing where people dressed as Palestinians. I'm like, how confused are you? They're ice people. Now you're down there with a towel around the head, fucking yelling and screaming.

It's just, I don't listen, I don't. Did you ever protest anything? Never. I ever had an urge, like nothing Cuban, ever got to you? Not even an urge. One time I went home with a half a fact thing, and my mom shut it down, and she explained why you don't do that.

And I never went back out there again. There's no reason to, hi. You're only protesting to get a girl. Right. Or to get accepted into your little coffee group. The hope. And they cry and shit. You know, like the first night at ice I saw when they were in L.A.,

they beat up a white chick. That chick is a fucking hero in studio. Yoga. When she went to yoga the next day with that black eye, and they were like, what happened? The neck brace. You're not going to believe it. You know, I got beat up.

Oh, my God, you're so brave. They eat that shit up. That's what they do. That's what they do. Listen, man, some people smoke spot to be accepted. Some people act like idiots to be accepted. They, that's what they do. Make believe that they care.

The babies. The babies. If you were sucking cock, you have your own baby. Right. You have your own fucking baby. Holy shit. Hold on one second.

We're going to take a breather. We got so into this conversation. We didn't even talk to you about Bluetooth. Here we come. We'll be right back. Hey, beautiful people. Uncle Joe here. Listen, the summer's coming. I've got to talk to you about something. If you're having trouble getting it up and getting it on when you want to, listen, you need blue chew. All right. Blue chew sends you chewable tablets that taste like mint and will make you God in the bedroom.

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sign up with mint mobile we're back bitches what's up dog how you feeling i'm feeling good i didn't even tell you what happened in florida i was going to tell you last week but we didn't have time one of our friends down there I've never done fireworks like I was petrified of it as a kid I did it for the first time within 30 seconds there were two cop cars

I got I got in trouble I have like a warning in like wherever I was in like paradise in Tampa or something they got real upset they didn't like it at all who gave you the fireworks one of our friends down there Steve Simone allegedly may have found

but they sell it at Target So I don't really get what the fuck happened. And then they sell them at Target. I got fucking like sparkler things. You're like, all right, let me give you these. You're going to be fine. And then dude, I have a video. It's, like, it blew off and like the cardboard on the top hit me.

And I thought I was getting like set on fire. So I didn't see one firework that went off. I didn't see one in the sky. 30 seconds later, there were two cop cars driving on the beach. And like, I thought I was going to get. get arrested. And what they give you a warning for? For fireworks, but they're not, apparently. They say they're for agricultural

purposes. And I don't know what the fuck, I don't know how you use fireworks and farming. They're legal, but they're not. So I don't know what the fuck happened. But yeah, I forgot about that. It was the quickest. Dude, in New York, I see people doing crazy shit and there's

no cops to be found. On the beach, I lit off one firework for the first time ever. And they treated it like I wasn't going to shoot the president. You're 30-something years old. You never let a firework. No, it was illegal in Massachusetts. And then in California, every Mexican had them.

You didn't need to, like, buy your own. And that was awesome. But you have never- Chinese people went up to your neighborhood and sew fireworks out of their trunk when you went here. They didn't let Chinese people in my neighborhood. They didn't know. It was all-shame.

What happened to Chinese people? They were coming to your neighborhood. Sell you a fucking. What did you call those things, George? Mats. A mat. A mat was when you got 144 of them. Fireworks?

Fuck you, 144 packs like a fucking, and when you got froggy, you lit the whole thing on fire. Oh, yeah. If you had balls, they were like 90 bucks, you're like, fuck it, I'm going for it. Because you buy a mat just to sell them. Oh, okay. Like, you could probably sell them, half of them and keep them.

Oh, so you could, like, rip it or something? Yeah. Or take pieces of it? Oh, okay. No, because it's like a kilo or Coke, but when you cut it open, it's got all the packages, as individual, like five packs, 20-pack, whatever fucking than that. Oh, yeah, I've never did.

I, like, do you remember that football player, Jason Pierre-Paul has like a fucked up crab hand now because he blew up his hand doing, like that's, I've been scared of fireworks my whole life. Not me. No, you like him? Do you have you, do, I never knew you did fireworks. Well, oh, yeah, I do fireworks. I go to a fucking, you know, I go to a backyard.

I go to a, what do you call him, alcoholist or not? I go to a fireworks. I go to a, Miss, me. You did firework, no It's a kid's thing They come to your neighbor You buy a pack of firecrackers You light them

And then you like other shit You like the bottle rockets I never did those either Like in just shooting them up people Oh yeah You put them in a bottle And you're shooting them at people Or you break the stick

Okay And those are called something Completely different off color Which you can't say anymore You light them on fire And they just spin around in circles Oh damn They go

It would bounce off a wall Without the stick that thing goes crazy. There's no navigation system. Do you ever get hit? No, but we shot them at people. And then you had Roman candles, which you would shoot at people.

And they were like 40 bucks when we were kids for a stick. They were expensive. Then you had M80s. And like eight of those is a stick of dynamite, right? Is that the stuff like people would put into like mailboxes and blow them up?

Boom, with a frogs mount this shit. Oh, you put them in a frog's mouth? I don't know. I don't know. Allegedly. I've never done that stupid shit, but kids do it. Yeah. Like in, you know, places where there's not much to do.

Right. Except blow up a frog. Oh, I don't want to blow up a frog, but I do. I like letting shit on fire. I do. Oh, me? I'm an arson by fucking nature. I love all that shit.

You know, they have places where you can, like, you know, shoot guns or stuff. I'd like to, like, go to, like, an abandoned house and, like, just light it on fire and get to watch. You imagine? That's a living. What's living? Lighting houses on fire?

Yeah, for people. I'm going to let your house on fire. You study it, the fucking what burns, what doesn't burn, how they still get the insurance. That's a good living. I think I'd get caught immediately. No, you could wear like a black suit, like those little hoods.

Could you imagine, but then ends up it's just going to be a little chubby me with like eight feet of fire behind me. They're going to see me a mile away. It'll be fine. You'll run fast. Went to fire's behind you. Oh, I, fire always makes you run faster.

Yeah. So Jews and black people don't like fireworks. It's just. I have no idea. Or fire. Black people don't like fire either. I don't think anyone like, who likes fire? I can live with it.

I can light a fire, but that's what I'm saying to you. I would love that. So you got in trouble in Florida with the cops. Again, and there's a warning. Your name's out down there. Look at you fucking. I know. I'm a fucking.

Fucking fireworks. I should kill you. Fucking fireworks. Dude, that is always, whenever anything goes wrong, My first thought is, is, am I, like, I hope there's no, like, issue because if Joey finds out about this in the wrong way, like, if I came back with, like, a firework burn on my head, you would have never let me live it down. Oh, my God. Like, and that's why I, because I freaked out because the cardboard on top of the fireworks flew off and hit me. So, oh, no.

So that's why I dove. I didn't see one thing. I'm like, God, if I have a fucking burn on the side of my head, you're never going to let me live it down. It's not like you'd be worried about me. Like, what the fuck are you doing? A little gunpowder never hurt nobody, you know what I'm saying? And you take the firecrackers and you break them and you take the gunpowder and you can make like a line.

Oh, yeah? And light the gunpowder and it goes all the way down like a, like a necrote. Yeah, I would love to do that. Fireworks are a lot of fucking fun until you blow your finger off or somebody loses a night. Right. You know, it's like a party ain't a party until somebody breaks something. Right.

So it's the same thing. Fireworks is not a firework until you lose a finger. It's not for somebody cries, somebody burnt their hand. But when I was a kid, they came around with the picture of the guy with his hand, and the skin got blown off his fingers. Really? You could see the bones in his hands and shit. Oh, shit.

And I'm like, sign me up. Sign me up, motherfucker. I'm going to light some of those. They're just fun, you know, kids like them. I mean, I don't like them. Then they have the new things that you light. It's like a helicopter. because my neighbor had those.

You light them on fire and they and they blow up. Yeah, like eight feet in the air. Whoopi. Do you, like, are you going to go on the Fourth of July to, like, see fireworks? Oh, my God, I can't wait. That's my favorite part of the year

when I sit there and I hug my family and I get a guitar. Yeah. Get the fuck out of here. I like three fucking firecrackers. I go inside of my business. I'm like, oh, woo. Why?

Oh. Fucking like some fucking idiot. Like I watch fucking, you know. You know, it's like a parade. How many times can you go to a parade? The chick flies off with a sword. Okay. We can leave now.

That's my problem with fireworks. Is they're the same every year? Yeah, that's it. It's like we're going to go up to the Hudson and look at the hudges that the firework. Yeah, okay. What do you, is there anything? that you do like to do? Not really.

I like to eat. Yeah. Smoke dope. Listen to music. Read a book. Yeah. You know. Shit like that.

I did see something pretty interesting. I forget if he was talking about it on Rogan or I saw a clip of Rick Rubin talking about the Johnny Cash song that he did, like his last song that he ever did. It was like another rock song. He did a cover of it. But he was like 73. He was in his house. He was like dying.

It was pretty interesting. I don't know if you've, You don't seem like a Johnny Cash fan. I like John. Johnny Cash wrote a song called Rusty Cage. Okay. And then Soundgarden redid it. Oh, I think it's the other way around, actually.

Yeah. That Soundgarden did it first, and then he did it. It was like 73. It's pretty, like, that was pretty interesting. Oh, 9-inch Nail song? Oh, okay. Okay. Yeah, that was badass.

You know, the short piece with fucked up facts? I don't. You're worst in fucking CNN and fucking. And then I'm supposed to keep facts in my head. I have no idea. I had a good fucking fall this day. Oh, yeah? I had a good week with her.

When you're a dad, you have good weeks, and you have fucking good weeks and you have bad week. Whatever. I don't know. I just had a really good week with her. And Father's Day, like, what happened? I don't know. She's getting to that.

She's done. She's done. That's it. Sixth grade is done. Wow. Wow. Seventh grade. Jimmy fucking Florentine's kid graduates eighth grade.

When I moved here, he was in the third grade. or something like that. Wow. Yeah. These kids were the fucking young kids, man. So it's just really weird that I'm watching her and like she grew again.

Not size-wise. She's not growing size-wise, even though she is. What I'm trying to say, like when I talk to her now, I could see that she's older and it's kind of getting a little bit more fun

and she makes me laugh a little bit more. You know, yeah, she does. I mean, I swear to God, I can't believe the shit she comes up with. Oh, I love when, she's basically doing stand-up without knowing she's doing a stand-up. I love when you get her going

and then you let her go and then you tell her, like, relax. Relax. That's it. Because she'll go off on you for a while. She'll fucking go off for fucking 20 minutes and sit in the car

after you give her ice cream or something. That fucking shit's like liquid cocaine. They go off. They go off. And if you have three girls in the car and they have something sweet, they go off. It's like Chinese people behind you.

We just hear fucking, blah, blah, blah, blah. And you're like, wow, I can't even keep up with this shit. But it's funny this morning when I spoke to you, you were talking about how, you know, you haven't spoken to your dad in a while. How long has it been now? I think it'll be four years.

Has anybody heard from him? Not that I know of. No. Yeah, no, it's very, it's very, because I was thinking about it this weekend, because it was, you know, it was just Father's Day. And, yeah, it's, you know, my dad and I were really close. He was on the podcast.

And I'm not, he got, he was unhappy with me, because I spent like a bunch of birthdays with him in a row. And then my girlfriend in Massachusetts, it was our first Valentine's Day. So I was going to spend Valentine's Day with her. And then his birthday is like the 18th. So I was going to go down like the 16th. And he wanted me to come down on that Sunday

and spend like Valentine's in the whole week with him. I said, no, I'm going to spend it with my, and then that was it. Blocked and everything. It was, and you know what? It is, it's sad,

but it's something that I've come to terms with. But it's, I brought it up to you today because, you know, what you have with Mercy is beautiful, but I know that there's a lot of people who, like, you know, are going through stuff like that, who cut parents off or the kids. There's a lot of people going through it, I think.

Oh, it's funny that, listen, man, I used to, remember when before I left L.A., I used to call a lot of people and talk to a lot of people. When I moved here, I didn't feel good. So I stopped calling a few people. Just, I even thought, forgot. I didn't have to call them. Like, that's how fucked up I was when I got off the plane.

And now it's going to be five years. And there's like four people. I haven't called. And now I can't call them because I'm too embarrassed to call them. Because they're going to go, what the fuck happened? And I got to explain to them, you know. I think it happens. I mean, like, did you stop answering their calls? Or you just?

No, they didn't call either. I mean, one guy called one time, and I called them back and we spoke a little bit. and he invited me to his house. He was only here for like two days, and he invited me to his house. He's like, I'm down some shore. It was like an hour and 48 fucking minutes away. And this guy's like, you got to come down here before I leave.

And you came over. Okay, yeah. And I'm like, you want to go down there? And I'm like, this motherfucker just drove an hour and a half. I'm not going to put you back in my car to drive an hour 40 and then an hour of 40 back. Right. And when I called him, I could tell he was pissed off, so I'd, like, moved on.

And now it's been fucking five years, like four years I haven't spoken to him. And I feel embarrassed, so maybe that's it. Right. After a while, you just get into a groove, and you're like, I'll call him tomorrow. I call them. When people text me sometimes, I save the text. Just to remind me to call them. Okay.

And there's text on there that I still haven't called. Number two, there are not. a different time zone. Right. And that's always a pain he asks for me because I go, okay, I got to call that person at this time. My time.

And then something happens and you don't call that person, you're like, fuck! Now the day's gone, you know, by the time. I don't like talking to people with my daughters in the room. Right. You know, nothing bothers me more when I call you in the morning and then you call me back in the afternoon

when I'm surrounded by people. Right. I don't want to do that no more. I don't pick up the call. Right. I won't even pick it up. And that, but there's like, you know, sometimes you just, you get busy and you don't call people back. Like, have you ever, I know, I know your parents aren't here, but like, you know, sometimes you have to decide like, okay, this person's not supposed to be in my life.

Like that, it sounds like you get busy and things happen. It doesn't sound like you're like cutting people out. No, no, no, no, no, no, not at all. I love them daily. It's my old neighbor from Boulder. It's one of my teachers from North Bergen. haven't spoken to my uncle. Really?

Since fucking December, maybe. I speak to my cousins. I speak to all my cousins, but I don't speak to my uncle because I call him. Now he don't answer the phone at night no more. He used to be a late-night guy, but he's 86.

He ain't that late no more. So I would try to call him like 11 o'clock here, 8 o'clock. I could catch him. Like last night I thought about calling him during the baseball game because I know he watches Giants all the time. Okay. When plays the show

and they were on last night against the Dodgers. But I got busy. Right. It was far this day. I got busy with the girls. So that's what happened there. But it's just nothing.

I don't pick them. Right. You just fall into the crack sometimes of people. So you go, I'm embarrassed to even call them now. I get that for sure. There's a guy,

the guy who gave me my first job in L.A. One of the sweetest guys in the world created America's Funniest Home Videos. And I fucked up the first, when I got rid of, when I got my next job, they had like a board that you could post at the college I went to. And I posted it. And this guy is like an alumna, like a trustee at this college. And he found out I was leaving his company before I had the, I told I could tell him. And I could tell that it hurt his feelings. And I just have, like for years, I should have written him a letter and just cute because he was great to me.

But, like, yeah, the more time goes, you get, like, self-conscious about it. You really fucking go, what the fuck am I doing? You feel bad. And then some people hit me up on Facebook, and I'll ask that number right away. And I'll call them shit like that. I like to hear it. Like, I haven't spoke to Rick Ramos. No.

Six months. And I'm like, fuck. I got to call that, motherfucker. We've got to talk about De Niro's new movie. Oh, yeah. We got to talk about shit. Every time I see Midnight Run, I'm like, motherfucker. But I know he goes to bed early.

He's in Arizona. So if it's seven here, it's five. over there. Right. I don't know what the fuck. Like, I'll call them now. Like, now is when I'll call Rick, you know, like now. But there's just people.

I didn't talk to Simone for a long fucking time. Wow. And then they call me in the afternoon, and I'm surrounded. And again, you make a mental note. Call them later. But you've got no peace of mind until fucking... Right.

7.30. And then your agent calls you from L.A., because they're on a different time zone. So when I leave the house at 7 at night when Jeopardy's on, it's to call them back because they're calling me while I'm watching

world news or talking to my daughter or eating dinner I'm like I'm not gonna pick up the phone now I'll call them and then I make all my little calls back to back to back the back to back so

I'm surprised to hear you say that because like I get in my own hand like oh they don't want to hear from me it's been too long but like I wouldn't have expected you to be like to be like that to worry or like doubt it I like to check in with people yeah I like to keep people on their toes

and say hey how you doing what's going on, you know, and they're like, I didn't expect to hear from you all. Nobody ever does. That's the way you do it, you know. But Damon, I still talk to, I still talk to a lot of people. Like, I still talk to a lot of fucking people. I just talked to my buddy from Colorado.

I've known him since 1984. Two of them yesterday. Two of them yesterday. Steve Chavoney, text me, and then Mike Roebuck, I called. Oh, he was on the podcast, right? Yeah. I mean, it's been on the podcast a couple times. So those guys, you know, it's just sometimes.

But I won't talk to Mike for a year. Right. And he'll call me out of the blue one night. Then I'll call him a month later when I could talk more of them. But I got to call him at night because he's a wrestling coach. It's life really goes by. I mean, so like what was great about your week with mercy? Like what was going on?

Just, you know, man. I say it on stage. and I fucking talk about it in life that I didn't like L.A. Because I didn't think the parents talked to any of these fucking kids. There's no way. There's no fucking way that there was a gap in life there with parents for 20 years didn't say nothing to their kids about what's right or what's wrong.

And they all ended up in L.A. It's like I said on Stasi on that L.A. has like a pass to go in. Have you spoken to your dad recently? Not in 20 years. Get in there. You know. You speak to your dad. Yeah, every day. You know what meant.

for fucking California or Hollywood. You're meant for fucking Seattle or something. So I wanted to just, that's why I walked away from so many fucking things. I thought people call me every day to do a fucking. I just got an email from my agent to do a podcast, and they don't get it. Like, we think you should do this.

All right, motherfucker, you come over here, and you get in the car and drive an hour, and it's 60 bucks for me to do a podcast. Yeah. 60, 70 bucks. No matter what, tolls, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. To do a podcast that I'm not really promoting in July anything. Right.

I don't want to go over there. I'd rather go to a fucking workout. I get more from hitting the fucking throwing air punches than driving for an hour, talking for two hours and getting back in the car, and then it's an hour and a half of traffic. I really do. I had to simplify my life. I'm not young anymore.

I don't have three hours to throw away. I could die at any fucking minute. I'm 62 years old. Jesus Christ. I could die at any fucking minute. So can anyone, though? You know? Yeah. But no. Your chances of dying and my chance of dying are slim and none. I get...

Unless you go back to Tel Aviv. I didn't tell you I'm going next week. Yeah, good. Have a good term. Oh, my God. No, but, you know, the odds are you. So now I look at my time like, what the fuck? Yeah. I don't have three hours to go up there and to talk to you about... So how was prison? Prison was great.

Oh, my God, it was great. I can't... That's it. Right. I wrote a book. Right Read the book And do the podcast

Right I just don't see it Do the podcast with the book Yeah Podcasts with the book That's the book question Same shit you're gonna ask me Right yeah

I can see that much You're gonna ask you so But it's not going Around the corner from my house anymore No It's three fucking hours 80 hours later And you know

Four hours in my fucking time It got like that Towards the N. Oh we opened up a studio Marina Del Reywell I'm not going down that We do a podcast at three. That's great to know.

I don't know what you're telling me for. You got to get back on that 10 and that 405 at 4 o'clock. I don't wish that to anybody. No. I wouldn't have a... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I do a podcast at 3 in Marina Delaware. Oh, don't worry about the 10 of the 405. I wouldn't do that to people. No, but you have common decency.

Yeah, a common, you know, criminal. I'd have you come down at 8. When there's no traffic, yeah. When there's no traffic. But I'm not going to make you come down at 3. And that's what was going. You know it. Everybody started getting studios in Marina Del Rey, calling me up, man, we need you on the park.

It ain't going to happen. If it's not 11 o'clock, it ain't going to happen. And even then, you've got a problem. No. You might get a call with a cancellation. Because if I get up, if I stay up until two or something, this night I fucking, last night went to bed at 9.50.

Did you really? Yeah, so I'm walking around. I 4.15 in the morning. Me and the cat. She's looking at me. I'm looking at her for fucking mental support. I go downstairs. I drink a day.

an ice tea. I fucking smoke some dope. I watched Godfather to Harlem for a fucking episode. And I went back up at 6 in the morning. Oh, you went back up to bed? Yeah. Okay. I was like, what are you doing all day from 4 o'clock? I'd die. Listen, by 8 o'clock, I'd be passed out from the reefer. Because when you get up at 6 and I hit the fucking, when I get up at 435, I don't have to wait till 7.15 to get hot. I just go downstairs, drink some water and do two shots of that lung thing to open up your lungs in the morning.

Oh, the asthma inhaler? Yeah, and I go right to the garage. I don't even fucking... You do an inhaler before you take a bong hit? Fuck it, open up the airwaves. What do you think? I'm stupid. Why should I do it after I get high?

I guess you're right. Yeah. Does it help? Yeah, I see the devil in the morning. Okay. They just gave me an inhaler. Maybe I should try it. You should try everything you got.

Look, how many milligrams tonight? You're fine. You tell me. I have no idea. Last week I hit you later. He was stumbling. He was going to hit me later today. Luckily, George made a cheeseburger today.

to save me. To save me. Because if I do that shit with nothing in my stomach, I get fucked up. I'm the fucking doctor when it comes to you. I'm not here to kill you. Yes, you are. You just want to say the delayed kill.

I'm just trying to take it to a different level of life, brother. I love it. You know what I'm saying? But yeah, I'll get high as soon as I get up. I 430 in the morning when I get up, that means I'm tired, but something woke me up. A train of thought. Maybe I had a pee, and I didn't pee,

and now I got to pee even more. fucking. It's always something. And I will give you credit. The one thing that I think you're absolutely right is because a lot of comics get freaked out. Because I'll go to a show and I'll smoke a joint before because you have me on that. But no one

will do it. But I think getting high after, it's going to change it. Because I had a great weekend in Albany and I got high after my show. And I went back and watched because I got a camera and watched my sets. And I wrote like 15 new minutes just getting high after.

the set was crazy. It was awesome. Listen, we get high before, during, and after. That's true. Don't be rewriting the fucking books. I didn't write the story. I didn't write it.

What story? I'm just a soldier to what they told me to do. Dude, no one told you to do this. Lenny Bruce got high. He did heroin. Yeah. You want to do heroin before you go on stage? Yeah, kind of.

Okay. I'll get some. I think I'll probably already done heroin with you. We'll give you a little fucking tape. You get a little puky. Oh. And then you're going on. on stage and crack all your Jewish stuff.

Just that... Tell them all about the missiles and shit. I can't tell them about that. They're gonna... Israel would kill me. That's fucking wild. But anyway, back to your conversation about your father. I don't know if we got off this fucking thing here.

Well, yeah, it's, you know... Do you want to call him? You know what? I'm gonna be honest, and I'm, who can probably see this? When I, when he blocked me, I was like, you know what? Not really. And, you know, he's getting all... I probably should people like Steve Simone gets mad at me sometimes he's like you got to do it I don't know and it's I because I thought about you with with your other daughter and it's you know

I don't I it would be it would be real shitty if he was gone and that was the last time we spoke but to have to have like someone who's important to you like just block you out of nowhere for something stupid like if I would understand if we got into a fight It was just like, I'm going to spend Valentine's Day with my girlfriend. I'll see you on Tuesday. And then I found out, I didn't even find out he blocked me. I got an email that he took me off of his HBO. Oh, yeah.

And I was like, what's going on here? And I looked, I tried to give him a call, went to voicemail, left him a voicemail. And for like six months, I didn't block him. And then like, I think he's six months to a year. And I just blocked him and we'll find out. And I'm sure I'm out of the will. Who knows, but... There's nothing left.

It's fucking crazy. He's down in Florida. But, I mean, like, yeah, it's... I always liked him. He was a nice guy, but he was old. He was lonely, you know. And he was another version of me. He's never going to be sober.

Right. You know, he's always up to something. The guys like that, they're always eating something. Always. Oh, he loved your edibles. That was... No, but he's always eating something. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, he's always eating something. The edible, yeah. But the edibles is just, you know, so I don't know anymore. Listen, I don't know. Like, I haven't spoken to those people now. I haven't spoken to my daughter. It's got to be 20-something years. Wow.

And I haven't spoken to my ex-wife since, I mean, before Mercy was born, yeah. No, Mercy was born already. So it's been 12 years. I called, I pled my case. She laughed at me. I was like, this fucking bitch. I was like, this motherfucker. You know, this is crazy.

Because you have both sides of it. Like you just said, you had a great week with mercy. Everything is going perfect. But then, like, does it still get to you? Or at this point, are you like, you know what? Doesn't even fucking matter anymore. If you want me to lie to you, it took me down for so long, then now I'm on the other episode of the spectrum.

Like, I hope she's healthy. I hope she's good. But that's it. There's nothing. What do you want me to do? What do you want to do here? Right. Even if I go over there or she comes over here,

I got to be honest with you, it's not going to work. You don't think so? No. And sometimes you should just leave well enough alone. Right. Because no matter how close we get, I'm still a man and I still have feelings. At one point, I'm going to say,

what made you just not talking to me for fucking 25 years? And all of a sudden you show up now? So I'm you know like you got to and I have to make up I have to not make up I have to tell her my story Right and if I tell her my story That's a truth she never knew And she'll understand but I don't want to do that It's not important for me to do that

We're both setting our ways we're both set in our lives Good luck to her I hope she never gets hit by a truck And I hope that she doesn't hate me or doesn't want me to get hit by a truck that's all I could wish for right now. Right. You know, whatever pain I had, you know what? God threw me a fucking 20 spot. Every once in a while, God throws you a 20 spot,

and they cover the fucking damage, and you're good. And it's like it never fucking happened. It is. And it's like, because, like, the first couple years was rough. Like, the first, like, six months to a year was really rough. And then, it just, you know, I've been very lucky with a bunch of, like, great people in my life. And it's like, why am I, I'm not like as stone as, like, not stone, but like, as, like,

confident as you are about it, but I'm like this far. And it's like, why am I going to, like, what are we, we can't just go back to normal now. No. That's not going to be possible. That's what I'm saying to you. So you're just going to slip in there like nothing happened. Listen, let me get this out of the way right now. In my world, in the world I grew up in the way I grew up, I got to be honest with you.

and I know a lot of people that will be mad at me for saying this. Families fucking overrated. Families sometimes fucking overrated. Sometimes they could help you blossom or sometimes they could bring you the fuck down. And we all know that. We've all seen

both sides of the fucking coin. I'm sorry to say that. As I was growing up, I saw how my family treated my mother. I saw how my father's family treated my mother. And she would tell me they could all suck my dick.

Like, I don't give a fuck about none of these peasants. You know, and she was serious. Like, I know she loved her brother. That's the only motherfucker I know my mother loved. I know she wasn't too, I know she was crazy about Nena, her mother, the father I wasn't too sure about, but the brothers and the sisters. You know, my mother did something. She stuck up for her sister.

My sister, my aunt got raped and my mom stabbed the old guy, and half the family turned up. her and for years they talk shit about it so my mom was said really no you motherfuckers could go fuck themselves yeah and then when she came to the States and started making money they were hit her up and she would tell them right now you go fuck yourself good for her and hang up the fucking phone so she kind of taught me that as we were growing up and I still remember her going off on my father's mother why right in the fucking house in New York I must have been seven and when as we're

walking out she's like you're not gonna see this lady again I go I I hope not. That was the end of my grandmother. I never saw my grandmother after that. She died maybe 10 years later. I never went back over there. Wow. I went over there and she started going off on my mom and I was like,

oh shit. And I'm like, my mom was gonna deck this bitch. Oh shit. And sure enough, my mom started calling her a fucking cunt and then her fucking pussy husband, her pussy son was dead. Oh my God! She's like, you're not gonna pussy-fie find my son, because they always, like, they made my mom move in with them

so she could learn the recipes he liked. And my mother was not that type of bitch. You know what I'm saying? I'm like, he eats what I cook. You know what I'm saying? So when I went over there, my mother put, like, jeans on me or something. As soon as I walked in the door, they're from Spain. They think their shit don't stick.

She was from Spain. She wasn't Cuban. So she started with the sneakers, the pants. You look dirty, and my mom said, time out. You little fucking cunt fuck. And unloaded on her. And we walked out together. She's like, you want to come back over?

And I'm like, not really. And that was the end of my grandmother. That was how quick that went down. Well, yeah. And then my mother died. And then I realized something that was more important, that your blood family. It's the street family.

Uh-huh. Because I look at all you guys as blood. I don't look at you guys as fucking. and, you know, he's my friend. You guys are blood. That's why I get mad when you ask me about Bacleraa. Okay? That's why.

That's why. If it was some guy on Medi Khan that pushed it on me, but it's you. You know, so much. Locklarov is so good for you. It's high and new chair. Leave me the fuck alone. But that's why I get so angry at people.

I can see that. You know, that's why I get so angry at people. So for me, my street brothers have been, and I have street brothers that'll say, hey man I gotta tell you something you're more of a brother to me than my own blood brothers yeah and it feels different and that's the thing with me I have a lot of people that they should have

I have like 10 friends they should have told their family go fuck themselves a long time ago yeah and it feels good one and it sucks but it feels good tell your family go fuck themselves tell them to go fuck themselves this ain't gonna work no more because once you tell your family to go fuck themselves they know you're not playing it's very important that you look at all of them that includes your mother from time to time

because they'll take you to the cleaners too they'll drive you crazy not your mom or your dad but like cousins or whatever you gotta pull them aside and go there's the deal no right no you're gonna take me down with this stupidity I think yeah I mean honestly there's so many people

it's so weird the craziest thing that I for dating for me for like all my girlfriends the way that a lot of parents talk to their daughters is fucking wild. Like they talk every, do it. Almost every girlfriend I've had their parents like make comments about their weight. Like it's like and but then they'll like they'll feed them. Like as they're giving like the dish. They'll be oh, you know, like the call a gourda or like do crazy shit.

And it's like family, I don't know. You never work at a place and you start at the bottom even though you move up, they still see you as the bottom. Yeah. I feel like that's how family is. Like they remember you as that dumb kid who shit the pet, the bed, or like, you know, whatever they did.

At the other side of the spectrum, I know people have great families. Oh, amazing. Yeah, part of my family's great. I know people have fucking great families. I know people got, but after a while, as you start getting old, as you start getting old,

you got to look at your family and go, what's going to happen when there's money involved? Because what tears up a family more than that shit? Some stupid fucking. And that's what you have to start looking at. You get old. Like, what am I going to do? That's why all these musicians, why do you think they sell their rights for $500 million?

You think they want to sell them? No. But they don't want the bullshit that comes afterward when they die. And everybody's going to go to war with that money. Now we know what we're getting. There's no more bullshit. Did you see Quincy Jones? He's giving them each $81 million.

Damn. To his eight kids. $81 million. Fuck. So everybody knows, and there's no fucking drama. There's always something with family. There's always something with them. And for me, I didn't have the...

Like, for me, I just didn't have it. Like, when my mother died, I had my uncle in California. He's like, you come live with me. In California. Right. I'm growing up here. What good to me is fucking California. Yeah.

You know, oh, move to fucking Miami. That's what I want to do. It's moved down to fucking Miami after I've been... I'm just getting fucking hot and bothered in North Bergen. Right. The worst thing in your life happened, to move across the country. And then, dog, I remember like 84.

My mother was dead five fucking years. And I'm in California. My uncle goes, let's call Cuba. And they're all yelling at me on the phone. About what? Like, what happened to you? You never called this. For what?

I'm out here fighting these motherfucking demons by myself. What are you bitches going to do for me 300 miles away? Not a thing. Right. Not a thing. What am I going to talk to you for? About what? What do you want to talk about?

My strategy for the day? Survive. What the fuck do you want to talk about? Right. Dude, this is the first time I think ever that I even heard about your dad's side of the family. Like your dad's mom? I mean, I don't remember a lot of the church, so it's possible. No.

I don't remember ever hearing about her. No. That was done. Done when it started. Wow. No reason to tolerate that shit. I'm not taking it from friends and I'm not taking it from family. And now, like, I don't even...

A couple years ago, fuck. Fucking some idiot popped up on Facebook saying that he was my half-brother. And some other idiot from North Bergen actually believed it and gave him my number. Oh, no. Without calling me. I'm at Jimmy Florentines watching a football game. And this, my phone rings. I think it's my sister or my fucking good cousins.

And it's my half-step brother. I didn't even know you had a half-step-brother. You think I did? It was a fucking surprise to me too Oh no How did you get rid of him I told him I was watching the Jets He called and I'm like hey man

He's like I don't know if you know about me My dad your dad Our dad was married to my mom first And then something happened They broke up and then my dad met your mom And they had you And I never saw him again And you know all this shit

You know, I went to prison in Cuba. I have the same story as you, and he was calling around to see if he'd get sponsored. Because they had a new sponsor system out of Cuba. Oh, okay. Well, you have to put your bank account up and money up. No. No.

That's pretty balzy. You need $500 to get up here? I'll give it to you. Yeah. You need a basement? I'll put you on this couch right here, but I'm not sponsoring nobody. I don't need none of you fucking Cuban criminals coming up here stabbing somebody,

and I've got to do time at $64. No, no, no. Oh, like, it's that serious? Like, you're basically signing a bail for him? Yeah, so he called me first to feel me out. And I was like, listen, this is all great. And Danny, can we talk about this during the week? It's Sunday at 2 o'clock.

Right. It's the first I'm hearing about you. It's Sunday at fucking 2 o'clock. I'm not, you know. And then he never called me. And then my uncle called me like a week later, and he goes, listen, all your cousins are calling now because they want to get, there's a new type of sponsorship,

and they tried to get me to do it, they asked me for my bank account and I told me it looks like you're going to stay in Cuba. I'll send you money. I'll send you a lifeline, but I'm not giving you my fucking bank account. No, you can't risk. You have too much going on. No, I'm not doing any of that stuff. I got a daughter.

That's all I give a fuck. You know what I'm saying? I can't. I just can't. Did your, did having mercy make you change your mindset? Is that when like your mindset started to change? About. About all these other people, like a family.

family had called, you know, 20 years ago and you had a little bit of money. Like, what do you, what it is like the fact that you have like a family that. Listen, if you know anything about me, I'll help anybody. Mm-hmm. But there's a dip between helping and conning. Okay? Mm-hmm. You know, that's it.

That's it. If any of my friends called him, you should listen, I got a hit by a call last night. My fucking engine flew out or something like that. I'm more prone to help you than, oops. What a coincidence. What cousins now? You know what I'm saying? My name's D.S.

Oops, what a coincidence, you know. He didn't ask for money. He just wanted to see if I take the papers for sponsorship. And I told him, I have my own problems. I don't have no fucking passport. Right. I'm not really legal or not legal. You know, I told you, I went to that UFC last week.

I didn't tell you guys the whole fucking story of what I went through mentally. No. Because I went to the UFC and I fucking ate the edibles and I sat there and I went to my pocket. I had a little baggie with maybe a gram. Did I tell you this last week? Or maybe a gram of mushrooms.

Right. Maybe. It was the bottom of Enigmas. And I took half and I ate them, but as I was eating them, I realized I'm in the fucking front row on camera with a baggie in my fucking head. And I'm like, they're going to throw me under the fucking jail. And finally, I started getting high on everything.

And I noticed when I was sipped. back that there was a fucking agent looking at me just at me like locked eyes and she had another agent that was just looking it was a woman with white hair that was cute and another partner that was a white dude and they were looking at me like pins so now in my t-h-c paranoia and the mushroom paranoia I'm thinking I fucked up they saw the mushroom bag but not only that I gave them my social security number and my background information. Why? Because that's what I needed to give them before I went to the UFC because Trump was the president. Oh shit, they did that? Yes. Holy shit. So now I'm sitting there going, I'm going to fucking jail tonight. Everybody thought I was looking at Kyle Harrison's

ass. I'm like, I'm going to fucking jail. They just waiting for me to get up. Oh. And then one time, I asked the guy, I got to go to the bathroom. He goes, you don't want to go over there. Come to the back. Oh, no. And he pulled me and I had to walk past those people, dog. They did everything but sniff me. They knew I was on something. They were like, looking at me the whole way. I'm like, God damn it. They got to fucking arrest me.

And he's like, no, no, no, no, because it was Rogan's handler. Oh, okay. And he's ex, you know, fucking whatever the fuck he is. He's like, no, I know that lady. She's not going to do nothing to you. Jesus. I was scared the whole night. I was going to get up to leave and they were going to go, Mr. Diaz, we need to talk to you.

Did you even know you had, like, did you bring mushrooms to the UFC? Or did you just forget that you had mushrooms in your pocket? No, I brought them. I brought them to have a good time. I'm going to have a good time. I don't, listen, I didn't bring mushrooms to purposely take. Okay. I took them just in case I bump into somebody.

And the party started and I want to be there. Yeah, but then it didn't, but then you didn't bump in, anybody you just took all of them? No, I took like half the bag and it hit me a little bit. Oh. Yeah, that's it. Did the mushrooms get you anxious? Is that why you were freaking out? I think it was both in my anxiety and my paranoia.

Fuck. But I sat there half the night going, I fucked up. These motherfuckers are going to arrest. me. They got me. Yeah. I don't think it would have mattered on pay-per-view. On like ESPN, maybe they would have been upset. No, everything. It's not pay-per-view. It's not ESPN. I'm worried about it's mushrooms. It's a half a gram.

They're going to give me a ticket and smack it. That's not what I'm worried about. I'm worried about them taking my real social security fucking number. Okay. That's what I'm worried about. I'm not worried about the mushrooms. You're fuck. I thought it was a mushroom. I'm worried about them picking me up with ice. I told him. Last week, I didn't take the garbage out.

I took out today for the first time, okay? I don't need this shit in my life. They don't know. I don't fucking know. Right. Listen, when I was, one day I went snooping upstairs. When we lived in giving our terrace, I don't know nothing about nothing. I'm maybe nine. I go snooping upstairs.

And there's this little fucking box that you open up, and it's got like, it's supposed to be for perfumes, but my mother used it for pictures. And I went in one of the things, and I took it out, and it was just piece of black paper. Black paper, George, like this, this, this. Black paper with white letterings. and it was my birth certificate from Cuba.

Oh, shit. Okay, and they said, Jose Antonio Diaz and all this shit, blah, blah, blah, blah. My father was a waiter, which he wasn't. I don't know why I said waiter on that. And something else is a bunch of bullshit from Cuba. And I took that birth certificate as a kid.

And I, you know, I had it. And then I think when I went to get my driver's license, a little after that, I lost it. So that's 1980-81. I lose my fucking birth certificate. And I don't have a birth certificate for you. years and then throughout the years I lose my fucking driver's license I just lost the card I had no ID in those days you need a fucking ID to fly now I got to Colorado I

went to get a job they're like you need a license so security card the birth certificate I'm like are you fucking kidding me and my friend goes you get your birth certificate just call and send it whatever it is box 25 what is it zip code one 0002, you know, you sent it, and they send your birth certificate. Right. I'm like, how would they have my Cuban birth certificate? Like, I'm like, I'm going, I'm going to get a letter from them going, Joey, we don't have birth certificate. It came in the mail.

And it was brand new and completely different than what was said on the other one. Really? There was no lettering, there was no waiters, there was nothing. It just said, Jose Antonio Diaz born February, 1963, some hospital, and it was a C.E. and everything from New York. I go, I'll take it. I'm not going to ask, I'm not going to start nothing. Did I have to make a copy of that?

Send it back to get my Social Security card. Yep. I got my license, but that's how I did it. But I never knew, so I don't really know. So you don't want to fuck around that much. So when I was a kid, all my mother told me was, yeah, you born in Cuba, Cuba, Cuba, but when I went to L.A. In 85, my uncle's like, oh, you were born in New York.

And I'm like, what the fuck? So you don't even, you're not even really sure? I don't know. Damn. Why would your mom... Who do you think is right? She drank lichens with V8 for breakfast.

Every day? And if she missed breakfast, she put a raw egg in it. Oh. And a beer with an orange juice, tomato juice? That's fucked up. Yeah, I might believe your uncle.

Fuck. I don't fucking know. So I don't know. It's Secret Service. When they look you up, they don't look you up for fucking jaywalking. Yeah, but I don't, if the Secret Service was there, they don't let you wait. Like, they'll just tackle you. No, they're not going to tackle me to you.

See, everybody else is getting tackled. They're going to tackle me. They're going to come over and say, we need to have a word with you. Real quick, outside in the gazebo. We walk out there with them, and there's two other cars. Listen, we found some proms in your birth certificate, and we like to take you to whatever. That's what I thought was going to happen in my mind. Yeah.

That's how I live. I live like that. Like the worst is going to happen? No, that fucking ice is going to come get me. Any fucking day now. I'll be out in that thing. You're going to have to get yourself a chubby white chick to come out there and save me. I was going to bang on the bus.

Hos Antonio! O'S ontario! Wear a flag, a Cuban flag out there. Half Jew, half Cuban. I'll get Israel on the case. You get Israel on the case? Forget about it. Can you, that would suck if that happened.

Well, yeah, I'm scared. I'm scared to pieces every fucking day. It's funny, I was just telling, I went to, George and I went to a party on Saturday, and Dave the cop was there, and I was talking to Dave. And I was telling Dave, he asked me a question about something. I go, Dave, right after I robbed Kent Bella, rest in peace. Right after I robbed Kent Bella, maybe like two months ago,

I was watching the show. I'm out on bail and I'm watching a stupid show at night about a guy that went to a dance in high school and got into an argument with another guy the guy hit him with a bottle but he took the guy and bid his fucking hero damn like in 1950 fucking nine at a dance he lived in like somewhere close like hide oh and he went home and he told his parents and his parents were scared for him so they flew him to an aunt's house from like Cleveland and he went to Cleveland. He finished high school. He went to college, got this high school, a college degree, married this high school sweetheart, fucking had kids, became a pillar in this community, lived under an alias for 35 fucking years.

And one day he was cooking, he cut his hand. And he went to the hospital and they ran a background check and they threw him in fucking jail. They were gonna fucking throw him in jail for 20 years. But then the big argument was, hey, he's been in the community for 35 fucking years without even getting a J ticket a fucking J-walking ticket.

Right. So you ended up doing like three years, you know. I always remembered that story. Of course. I always, when I got in trouble, the guy at the Hertz thing kept saying, my buddy owns the Costa Rica one. We'll get you down there. You can get in the management program.

We'll change your number. You'll change your name. And I'm like, man, I can never come back to the United States. No. Like I can never, you know. Thank God he didn't do it. Do you feel the urge to do it at all? Where you're like, oh, may that, you know what?

Maybe. No, because I knew the deal. And I'm lucky I didn't because I got sentenced in August and that September, America's Most Wanted came out. I don't know if you would have been on America's Most Wanted. I'm just saying, you dumb fuck. You never know.

You don't have to kill somebody to be in America's Most Wanted. Right, they could have always caught you. If it's a fucking fraudulent check and you keep doing it. Right. And if they have a hard time catching somebody, don't put you on America's Most Wanted, even if it's for fucking selling drugs.

If they have like four or five years and they can't, and you're fucking with them, like in and out of their neighborhood and shit, then they'll go fuck it. If they know you're around, if they're getting reports, don't put you on America's Most Wanted or local stations,

America's Most Wanted. The bootleg ones, because now most towns have them. They do? I haven't seen those. Yeah, you're watching the news. All of a sudden it's like, have you seen this man?

And it's like, you know, wanted for burglary, holotosis, you know, whatever else he's got. And it would have, like, because, you know, me, I'm a pussy. I would have, like, jail would freak me out. But I can imagine, like, if you, let's say you did bail and, like, run away before your case. It's not like you would have had a relaxing life at the Hertz and the Dominican Republic.

It would have been, like, a fuck. You would have been depressed. No. I know a guy now that can't come to Jersey. He's been gone for 30 years. He left a little bit. before me, maybe 35 years. Is he still in the country?

Oh, yeah. Okay. He just can't come back to Jersey. Just Jersey. Does it fuck with him? Yeah. You got to turn it into something else to make it easier for him.

Right. You know, you're not wanting to go back to Jersey is one thing. You're not allowed to go back to Jersey. That's another dog. Yeah? That's fucking crazy. I could say to you, I hate Jersey.

I'm sick of the tolls. I'm sick of fucking, you know, not having money at the tolls, now they want to send me a fucking bill. You know, you can do whatever the fuck you want, but when they don't let you in, that's completely different. Yeah, who doesn't want to come back home when you're 65 years old to see your friends, you know? Right.

I think only like one friend, two friends will visit him in 30 years. I've seen him because he comes to my shows in Austin and Houston and shit, but it's weird. That's a weird fucking life, man. have, you know. But in the contrast to that, I'm asking you about this now. What about a person without a warrant that comes from another country like the people in LA last week? And again, I'm not political, but I want you to think about this. What if you came to this country and you're hard working, you didn't rape nobody, you didn't sell drugs, you're not in violation with the cartel,

and you get a job, your wife works, you raise your kids, you. You're not, you're not in violation, you're maybe they got a scholarship to UFC, they came and scooped your ass up last week. Just for being illegal. Right. What's the argument there if you're a politician? Because, again, you haven't done nothing 37 years. So what the fuck?

You didn't have one week to go get your American ship? They make it hard. That's like... Oh, they make it really fucking hard. And it's like, for someone who's like too dumb to be political, like the criminals and stuff, yeah, get them out of here. And even then, that's, like, And also, like, I, like, you're right.

There are a lot of people who do it the right way and, and you should do it the right way. But if you've been here and, you know, trying to do things, or even if you're not trying to be a citizen, but you have a job at a farm, you have, who really care? Like that, like that, it is, I see both sides of it. And, like, to hear, and I know you're being funny, but, like, to hear that you're, like, scared must suck. Oh, no, that I'm being funny. Right, right. But you really got to think about it. Yeah.

Like they could make mistakes. Oh, yeah. It's so easy to make a mistake. I mean, listen, if one of them pick me up, one's going to go, no, no, no, no. I've seen him on Joe Rogan. He's okay. One of them, I hope, would say, no, that's not the guy. I've seen him on Joe Rogan.

Let's call the police. Let's make sure. Let's double check. But it seems like they're grabbing everybody, which is like it's... But here's the funny thing. I don't know if anybody you guys saw this. The New York Times put a thing on the other there about Rubio's father. No.

That he was here illegally, the whole thing, and now Rubio's part of it. Let me tell you something. Okay, there's still Cubans here. Right where we go eat, right down there that have been here 40 years, and they're still walking around. Do you think they're nervous?

Or they're like, they're so hidden? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe, what are you going to do? Take them back to Cuba? They're 50, they're 90 already. They don't give a fuck. And the thing that would freak me out, and because I see, I follow two people on Instagram right now.

Alfred Robles and Jesus Trejo. Like, Jesus was going to shoot a special. He had to delay it. And it's like, it does, like, the part that would scare me, and it's like, this is like white privilege is like, what if you're 100% a citizen or you have like a green card? And like you are trying to do things the right way. And like I would feel nervous as like a Spanish person

that they're just going to come grab me no matter what. No matter what. No matter what. But that must be a shitty way to feel. You have to have a little bit of fear if you have brown skin right now. You could be walking down the street going to buy fucking pastolito. And so the fucking guy pulls up with a car with a hook. And these motherfuckers...

Dog, it's like when you bomb on stage, they have that hook, and they pull you in. You're like, wait, one more joke. No, no, no, no. And they come up with Subaru's. Oh, no. They're pulling up with lesbian cars. They're not those black cars. They're not anything.

they're fucking slick, quick, and bad to the bone. They execute those things. You don't even know we'll hit you. You're talking, no, no, say it. No, say, and they're walking into the car. They're okay. When it doesn't matter. Yeah, we'll go down to the station and sort it out.

Tell it to the judge, motherfucker. Oh, my God. Dude, it's getting crazy out there for, like, every... Like, look, we joke about the bombs in Israel, but on both sides. Imagine if there were rockets coming in. Oh, Iran was fucking them up this afternoon. Fucking them up.

Israel was like, we don't know, but Israel ain't, Israel's roper doping them right now. Israel's about to drop the big one. You know, like Red Fox used to always say, I got the big one, Elizabeth. Yeah. It's coming Elizabeth. I feel the big one.

They're just roper doping right now. Taking little punches. Yeah, you blew up Tel Aviv. Okay. Okay. I mean, listen, if you think, the Pager plot was brilliant. Did you see how they did this last one?

They did a commotion and got them all together. And within a split fucking second, they bombed them when they were all there. That's fucking intelligence to the fucking max. They know everything. They gotcha, man. They got you. I mean, if you thought the Pager was brilliant,

they tested the Pager to make sure that if you blew up, the person next to you wouldn't blow up. The kindness of the Jews, never seems to amazing. Often overlooked, yeah. Often overlooked. You're absolutely right. But this blow up when they got everybody together

and just fucking pulled the trigger. When they wore together, yelling and screaming, what are we going to do? He got the nuclear people. He got the fucking heads of the thing. I mean, at least they're not crying. There was no babies in that room. You know what I'm saying?

Because white people would have been. Oh, there was a baby in the room. But it does. Sometimes when I get high, I get freaked out. just even being in the city now, like if I was saying, like if anyone's going to drop a bomb anywhere in the country, New York is top three.

Like, between D.C., New York and L.A., there's a good chance if a bomb's getting dropped. Like, it's just something we have to live with now. They really dropped a bomb in L.A. It was called that fire. Yeah. And nobody has said a word about that fire ever again. It's like the riots.

As soon as Israel, Iran, we'll leave in L.A. It's just that one Mexican with the flag bothering people. That poor bastard. The flag was bigger than him. He was out there. He looked like one of Columbus's guys on the boat that was pushing the sails. You never saw that guy.

Oh, yeah. But anyway, it's nice to see you, Lee. Nice to see you, buddy. I guess the last two weeks, the whole thing. Where are you at, Nick, this week? This week, on Thursday, the 19th, I met the shortstop Barn and Grill in Westfield, and I got shows coming up at the end of the month. I'm doing a surprise show on the 19th.

My damn self. Oh, yeah? Thursday night. You better kiss yourself. Fuck yeah. Do you know what do you want to announce where? It's going to be a surprise. No, I'm just going to announce it Thursday morning.

Not even. I'm going to announce it Thursday at 6. Oh, that's badass. Like Prince and the Revolution didn't. You know what I'm saying? That's so cool. I don't care if three people show up. Although they'll be running.

I can smoke weed there too. Oh, yeah? Oh, man. That's what I'm looking to do. now a show where we could smoke a joint, the whole audience and fucking Uncle Joey. Not everybody's joint. Your own joints. Bring your own fucking shit.

Oh, my God. You're not touching my joint with your fucking flu-COVID lip. You know what I'm saying? That's so cool. I'm mad that I'm going to be gone now. Where are you going to be? I have to go back to Boston for a couple days. We'll go take care of mom.

Then the following week we're at the fucking dojo on Thursday. Oh, yeah. And straight to NJ pack on Friday night. That's crazy. I'm getting ready for it. Hell yeah, and I'm going to get my tooth. You won't see me in July, and then my fucking... Oh, is that when they're fixing everything?

Everything. Nice. The other side. They're putting braces on for a few weeks, so it looks like I have teeth. Okay. It's going to be a lot of fun, you know what I'm saying? NJ. Pack is going to be pretty fucking cool. You know what's going to be cool?

The dojo. I love you, motherfuckers. I love the dojo. With all my heart and soul, we will see you next Tuesday. Yes, sir. Tip, top. Motherfucking Magoo. Stay black. Hey, beautiful people. Uncle Joe here.

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