The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - We're going to get the party started right!

Episode Date: June 18, 2024

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt talk about the progression of Joey's addiction, karma winning at the softball game, Lee's first time headlining a comedy club, why artists are working their entire career for four years, Madonna's rise and more! This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://www.betterhelp.com/DIAZ and get on your way to being your best self. Onnit - for 10% off of Onnit's line of supplements go to Onnit.com and use code CHURCH Fuji Sports - Go to FujiSports.com and use code CHURCH for 10% off their Jiu Jitsu gear and apparel. The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz

Let's relax, all right? I'm going to get the party started right. How many edibles did you take? I took one. I took one. What? It's an ABX. What do you expect me to do?

What do you expect me to do? Okay. Next, wait till fucking Wednesday night. I'm going to de-juice like eight of them. It's going to be deep. I'm going to squeeze them in your eyeballs. You can't be wake up the next day. You'll have, like, red,

And I? Oh, I'll have another stye. I'm waiting on this thousand milligrams spray that you're spraying him up one time. And it's a thousand milligrams a spray? A thousand milligrams of spray. What the fuck? That's like death. That's like you're walking.

Can you imagine? Oh, I was going to put it up, but we probably don't have the rights to it. I saw this video today of this guy who called the police on himself because of the edibles and the, like, the paramedics were like, just like, just sit down. have a donut. Like, they, like, I can't imagine if you hit someone

with a thousand milligrams spray, what would happen to them? Fuck them, you know. Everybody needs to do it one time. Everybody has their own personal of Vietnam, you know what I'm saying? You got to go deep once in a fucking while. Yeah, but usually they get to decide that for themselves.

Who? The people. Yeah, I'm going to hear, take this shot of this spray. If they say, yeah, you don't say two words. The first one who talks losers. That would be crazy. And if they ask, what's in it? Nothing.

It's 10 milligrams. That's it. 10 milligram that fucking guy called him. I called the cops on myself a few times when I was snort and coke. Like three times. Jesus. Like, how long did it take yourself? One time I called them twice and one night.

No, three times. And they finally told me to put the bag away and go to sleep. Did you? So did they come out the other two times? Oh, yeah. And when do you talk to them? One time I was at my friend's house and I was seeing shadows. I was so fucked up.

I was seeing shadows on Coke and booze. And I called the cops. I was at my business. I used to pay you to let me snort Coke in your house because people were looking for me. Nobody was looking for me. It was my paranoia. I'd pay you like 100 bucks. And I'd bring a case of beer to your house and fucking snort Coke in your living room

and fucking stay there all night. why you slept to the penis. I feel like you started Airbnb. Yeah, it was terrible. You did like a drug Airbnb. I checked myself out of a hotel room

and kept going into, I checked myself out like two hotel rooms and finally settled on the third. Like I thought there was somebody in the wall at one hotel. I thought there was fucking, you know, you have no idea what drugs do to your mind. I think about those times.

And I'm like, that's going to come back to bite me in the ass somewhere. Oh, yeah. Like, I can't, I gotta be honest. Like, people have, like, described doing Coke to me. It doesn't, I don't, maybe, maybe they just haven't described the awesome part, but it seems terrible.

Like, that, like, that seems awful. Like, why would you do that to yourself? It's so expensive. But it wasn't at that, you know, listen, for you to hallucinate on cocaine, you've got to be going for 24, 12 hours, 13 hours. Like, I'm talking deep. I don't even know the answer. I'm not trying to be funny.

How often would you do 12 hours? Whenever I had the chance. I thought you did that a lot. Let's say you buy a gram of Coke. You're like, yeah, I'm going to do a gram of Coke. I'm going to go to my buddy's band, do a few bumps, pick up a victim, and then go back to my room. And take it her ass. That's one thing.

But what was picking up ammunition? like I'm picking up over an eight ball. I'm going to war, Jack. I'm like that dude from fucking, I'm like that dude from fucking, what's his name? Johnny O, what's his name? The guy, fucking the crazy guy,

Vinio, he's, you know, he's on fucking punk, whatever that fucking show is. He has a podcast. Come on, Lee. Oh, Thimo, you fuck. Oh, Steveo. Oh, my God. Steveo, Devo.

I don't fucking know. Steveo, definitely has a podcast. Well, when Steve, when I used to see Steve at the Gardner 7-Eleven, that motherfucker would buy a case of beer, a bottle, and three counten of cigarettes. And he would be by himself. I knew that man was going to war. You don't want to be bothered. He's just going to go up in his apartment, close the curtains,

fucking tape the windows, the pee-pole, shut the phone off, and he's going to war. He's going to take an adventure to see where it takes him. And so would have to have 12 hours. You've got to call a hooker or a phone. friend and go, bring over beer. I got an A ball of Coke and they come over. It's an adventure.

It's not fun. If it was still fun, I'd be doing it. You know what I'm saying? But it is fun. Why are you doing it? Listen, man, I can become an addiction specialist because I've thought of everything.

Like, why would a human being do that? Like, you know, I did things that I'm not proud of. I did a man. had fun doing them, you know, but that was the addiction. It wasn't the real me, you know. But it was like, was it more fun towards the beginning? Like, I just like that, I think I thought of that, like how people get into it. Like when, when you first start, are you having fun more than you're having, like, the paranoid times? It was fun. I didn't start getting paranoid until

1986. That was, I was already doing Coke seven years. Oh, okay. That means you're growing, to a different level of the addiction. Now I was getting paranoid. I had to get high a couple days a week, you know. But those 12 hours, like, I still remember starting at like seven at night and at three being out of your mind and still having a bag falling going, I don't even know if this is fun anymore, but you're in it. You're stuck.

You're stuck in an apartment. You're self-conscious. You know any way you know, you walk into people going to know you're doing something. It was just weird. I was thinking about one thing the other night. Like, I had just gotten out of prison. And I was in a halfway house for about, at this point, about seven months. And I had done really well.

This was 89. I had done really well. And I'm about to get married in September. And I started getting furloughs in June. I didn't have any place to get furlough to it. So I would furlough to my father-in-laws at the time. he had a trailer on the property. And they asked me, if you sleep up here, where do you want to sleep?

And I go on the trailer and they're like, what? Why do you want to sleep in the trailer? I go, because I want to sleep out in wilderness. It's been, I just wanted to do coke. And I've done, you know, I could walk around and jerk off and, you know, fucking is the real reason? Yeah, you don't want to do coke in somebody's house. I know.

You're walking around all night, fucking turning on lights, turning off lights, looking up, looking on the couch. much is the shit. So I went to town and I had a fucking really good connection at the time. And when I got over there, he goes, listen, this shit's really expensive. I'm still going to give it the eight ball for whatever he was giving it to me for. But when I looked at it, I go, it's going to be a long fucking night. Like, I ran up there. I ate dinner with them. I had like a fucking case of beer in my truck. I had like a fucking bottle of something,

vodka with juice I had I didn't smoke then and I wasn't smoking re for them because they were pissing me too much and I fucking went into my trailer about 9 o'clock about 3 o'clock and I was doing tons of it and this shit was fucking

sensational like three bumps you were good for an hour I'm doing six bumps an hour seven bumps an hour and what do you do it sounds like you drink but like when I'm high I sit down and watch TV or when you're by yourself What do you do?

I'm just sitting in the room looking for porn somewhere trying to beat one off with your dead dick. And you're trying to have fantasies. And there was no cell phones then. There was nothing. There's nobody you could call. But I remember like at 4 in the morning, I was crawling on the floor. And there was still like a ton left. And I'm like, this shit's got a, the sun's going to come up in three hours.

And I'm going to be fucking fry. And I'll never forget at one point. I was looking and it was June you know July maybe I'm looking at these trees and I'm seeing guys jump out of the trees with ropes with machine guns and one eye

and I'm sitting there watching this trailer getting surrounded by these guys and I'm like I'm just going to fucking kill myself I remember I got on my hands and knees and started snorting all that coke and the rest I threw away and then I just lay in the bed and they didn't knock on the door until like 10 in the morning. I was still fucking out of my mind.

Sweating, join, fucking looking around for little rocks that were on the floor. It was fucking horrible. I don't wish that on anybody, man. That sounds terrible. Like, do you just feel like you couldn't? Like, would you ever snort half of what you got? Like, if you bought Coke, you were doing all that Coke. You're doing it all.

You tell people. yeah, I do two lines and I put it in the refrigerator. What the fuck out here? I do the whole thing before I go home. There's no bringing nothing home for the cat. None of that shit. Whenever I start a fucking podcast, I always got one fucking idiot

that texts me at 7 o'clock at night. Not even business hours. Like, it's not even fucking business hours. Fucking unbelievable. What do they even want? Anything important? Stupidity, like to show me a picture of a fucking, restaurant, something laugh.

I guarantee that's what it is. It doesn't take a fucking genius. It doesn't take a genius to know what they. It's nobody with a $100 bill. You know, nobody's going to text you a $100 bill at 7 o'clock at night. It's somebody to tell you something fucking stupid. Yeah. It drives me fucking insane.

I'm going to find out who this motherfucker is now and send 911 to his house and a fucking everything dumb. All day they got time to text me. They want to text me at 10 o'clock at night, like fucking the Jemokes that they are. But besides that, I had a great father's day. That's awesome. That's awesome money do you guys do. Well, the whole weekend was fucking great.

I was supposed to do that thing. I was supposed to do that thing at a go to the Sopranos on Thursday night. Right. I'm not going to the city. you know when she called me that day and I asked her who was going there was nobody from the movie it was just going to be me and the Italian girl who never said hello to me or anything so I was like I'm going to go there with my nose wide open when I want to walk the red carpet I don't want to walk no fucking red carpet I'm not in anything to do here so I was like I'm not going to go over

so I just stayed home smoke some dope and then Thursday morning I got up early went to her graduation which is fucking phenomenal. That's awesome. I finally got to see a Diaz graduate. And, uh... Yeah, you did. Just fucking went in middle school. Yeah, and then, uh, we hung out the rest of the day.

Friday night, I went to a party for a little while. And then Saturday, we had three fucking softball games. And they canceled them at six in the morning. But then we got a call at seven that they were back on. a scrimmage in Marlborough, where I live. And my daughter had to be there at 10. We didn't get home until 7.30. At night?

That night. And then you did three games? Three games. Like people say to me, you know, can you come to my party on Saturday? I'm like, listen, ain't nothing happened on Saturdays. Because after I leave there, what do I want to do? I've been in the sun for three fucking games.

My asshole smells from the heat. I got suntan lotion. I got bit by mosquito. those, where am I going to go? Like, I don't plan anything. People are like, yeah, I'm having this party. You're going to stop by. I'll try my best. But once I get home and take my shoes off and think about the shower and smoke a joint, I'm not going to want

to go to your fucking reunion or anything you're doing. No. Those are, I can't imagine doing three games. Because those are, like, you're sitting in those chairs. What do you do? Do you watch intently? Let me tell you how I do it. All right. I got there at 10. They said the first game was 1130.

I hung out for about 15 minutes, and I got in my car. I smoked, and I went to the gym to 11.30. Okay. And I shot back over at 1130, nice and worked out, and I sat there and drank some water out of protein shake and watched a game for a little while. Then the game was going to start at 2.30, but the ref wasn't to hump, didn't show up until 4.45.

Motherfucker. But, so we scrimmaged them for like, four innings and then we played them for seven Jesus. The yump got there and it was, let me tell you something, I was pretty tired Saturday night and I was pretty well, I didn't do much on Father's Day. I wish I could

lie to you and tired. I didn't do shit. I didn't do shit. I went for a walk. I smoked some dog. I went to the weed store in the morning. Nice. And I was just tired and I went to sleep that night with a headache. My blood pressure got up because Saturday was like

a fucking, we were going to play the team that the coach didn't want to play on. And then the 12 you rec coach didn't want to because I went off on him and the other idiot because they're fucking idiots. And I thought the parents would have my back and they didn't. So they got stuck with the two coaches again. Plus the coach that my daughter is playing for now was the rec coach. He won the championship with him.

They threw him out and they put this other Staminke who's as dumpy as fucking could be. He's just a lump of debt. You know, if you see the guy, you're like, what the fuck? He's just a lump of a man, you know, like worthless. The guy didn't even play checkers in fucking high school. So, you know, the game's the two-four. Now, I went off on the coach. I had every right.

The parents were rallying me up. And then when I went off, and the parents fucking walked away from me. So I put my daughter on a different team. Nobody stuck up for my daughter. Nobody said nothing. They all looked after their best fucking interest. and Saturday I'm sitting there and I'm playing

you know they played the four innings and I'm like both of these teams are pretty strong this is going to be interesting but Mercy already had a triple in that scrimmage Yeah that's awesome You let them know who the fuck she was playing with And then the game started

And Mercy went three for fucking three had like three RBIs scored three times, stole two bases You know she just rammed it up their fucking asses and in the fifth inning the other coach started like if you think

fucking California was fake come down here for a couple weeks because this is attracted the whole country like it's everywhere so we get there and he's being humble

like real night he didn't talk to me my wife or my daughter he's being real fucking nice with the other people and being like but I knew this is all an act this is like fucking you know

half the people I know just give them five minutes. And those are true colors. That's why I love when people meet movie stars. Oh, my God. We spoke for 10 minutes. They were so nice. Give me an hour.

Right. Get the fuck away from me, your stupid fucking questions. Yeah. So what were you talking about? About the game. So I don't say nothing at all. I don't say nothing the whole fucking game.

And my daughter's team is losing five to three. And also, they come back and score four runs. And they held these fucking wenches for two fucking innings. And the coach started getting hotter and hotter. All of a sudden, this true color started coming out. He's getting hotter and hotter and fucking parents are seeing it. Everybody's seeing it.

He just fell into the fucking web. You know what I'm saying? And I'm just watching them. And then he started yelling at the girls. The girls gave up on the field. They started playing in the dirt. That means they don't want to play for you. He doesn't know how to lift the stakes with people.

He's just a mental fucking retard. So all of a sudden, fucking that's it. We won. I didn't say two words. He was hot. This game meant so much to them that the assistant coach, who's the sweetest guy in the world, who never says a word, almost got thrown out.

This is how frustrating it was for them. And one of the moms was crap. You could see the smoke coming. out of ears. I kept hearing the crack coming from her. It was tremendous. And at the end of the game, I got up, I turned around. I looked at all those stiffs and I go, hey, in the words of Tony Montana's mother, he was a bum then and he's a bum fucking now. And they just looked and walked into the sunset like fucking Zorro. You really said that to them? Fuck yeah. And I told one of the coaches that said he was a bum, then he's a bum.

now and one of the dads that was my Gumba and then he stopped talking to me I went up to him and gave a hug and I hey he was a bum then and he's all bummed now and that was the end of that let's get this fucking show started cocksuckers. Greetings! It's

Tuesday the 18th of June with two days away from summer. Get ready it's going to be a hot one Jack. Anyway the checkin is brought to you by Fuji Sports.com which is basically Fuji Gis. If you're a big guy, you need a nice A4 or an A5.

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Anyway, go to Onit.com right now, pressing code church and get 10% off your first order. Remember, FujiSports.com and Onet.com. And without further ado, let's get this party started, Jack. Turn up your TVs, run for your love. lives, it's over. They didn't put you on this planet just to give up. If Uncle Joey could do it, I can rule the world. That's what you got to be thinking. Welcome back to show! It's Monday, motherfuckers. Tuesday, whatever the fuck it is. So yeah,

how was your weekend, Tarzan? I had a honestly fantastic weekend. I had a great week of comedy. I did technically headline three shows in a row. I did 45 twice, but the, like, the most exciting part is Sunday morning. I got a call. I'm like, oh, Saturday morning, sorry. Saturday morning, I got a call on like seven hours notice to headline my first actual, like, comedy club. It was awesome.

Very proud of it. And so we discussed that, you know, you would, you want to be, bring, uh, bingo long and the travel and all stars for all these clubs and challenge these owners and And it's like it ain't going to work. And if you do get it, you're going to have the worst time of your life. So stay in your area and become the king. It might take a year, it might take two years, it might take three years, or it might take four years. But you're going to be so much better and you're going to have a home.

When people go go to Boston, I'll go see Lee Syatt. You're going to Boston. They need a feature called Lee Syatt. I know a great comic, Lee Syatt. That don't happen if you keep going to these clubs that. You're just breaking even that. There's no future there. You're breaking even.

Yeah, that's true. A week in a hotel. You know, you get the same mileage at home. Yeah. I don't know because I did it. You get the same mileage at home. Become the king of your fucking domain. And then you could venture out.

But if you're going to be in San Diego one week, Kansas City one week, it's great to a point. it's great to a point. There's an opportunity when you stay home, you develop, you meet the local guys, you get involved in all the contests, if the newspaper reaches out to you to host a fucking,

you know, this is it. And it's fun. And people start calling the club, hey, we're doing a movie in town. We want three of your top comics. That's how it happens.

But if you're not a part of that community, they're never going to know. Okay. Right. And that's how I got it because of the person who put on the show on Friday night. That's it. She was the one who recommended me. It's a small world, but it's a big world. Comedy is a big world. But at the same time, it's a pretty fucking small world. Everybody knows each other.

And I'll get calls and say, you know, anybody to cover on Tuesday night, boom. You know, this is what it is, being part of something. But I'm not going to call you from Las Vegas. Right. I got to pull out three hours before. So it's, you know, you dip down in New York, you try your wits every 90 days to see if you're getting anywhere, try to move up the ladder and then go back and go back to the drawing board.

And you say the aggravation, you know, it's a thousand's aggravation. You didn't have to talk to these people. Just call in, hopefully they'll give you a spot or somebody will give you a spot somewhere. And it's, it was just very cool, tell I get an ad. Like I was thinking about it and like to be honest with you. I was kind of like I had tears on the way to the club. Like I was just so and it wasn't like sad. I don't I've never really done that before.

But it was just like sort of like I've never had happy tears. But like it was kind of because like you know, you put me on some pretty awesome shows. But it's because I'm your friend and like it's not this was something that I just earned as a comedian. It's very cool. Man, it feels good. Yeah. It teaches you how to get your own work. So when a headliner does call you one day,

I want to take out a 20th city tour. After that, you could always have your career. You're going to gain four or five clubs, but you came into it with something. You're not sitting at home waiting with your nose wide open. An open mic twice a week with a guy playing a piano and eating catfish, you know, whatever the fuck they do, theuna fish up on state.

No, I've seen that guy at the show. What's that? I've seen that guy at the open mic. Yeah. You know, it's so, that's the good thing about it. Everybody thinks they want to do this and they want to do that. Listen, man, I learned a big lesson in LA when I joined Jiu-Jitsu. I was going here, there, and I never improved because everybody had the secret weapon.

I stayed in the program and dedicated myself to that program, and I'm a lot better now, I'm thinner, you know. It's the same thing. I was talking about on the Patreon podcast today, that all you need in your life, is four years. Do you ever think about that? No, what do you mean by that? Okay, so you go to college,

you struggle, right? You eat ramen, you got to get Pell Grants, your parents help you, you know. Then you graduate and you try to get a job in your major and, you know,

you do that for four or five years and you realize you don't want to do that. And then you bum around. Maybe you go on a fishing boat. Maybe you join the Peace Corps for a year. You know, whatever. And then somebody comes to life starts to get real. Somebody comes to you and go, listen, I got an opportunity.

You can make $80,000 a year to start. It's a lot of work. We're going to be delivering fruit or whatever. And all of a sudden, you're delivering fruit and you meet a girl, you know, you're not out getting DUIs. You, you, you're just trying to be you. Yeah, you have flaws. You know, you might snort Coke once in a while,

or you might like the New England Patriots and play to gamble on the Patriots, but you're human. But at the same time, you're going to the gym, you're doing all these things, and guess what, one day? One day some guy comes and says he wants a partner with you and your partner, he's going to give you each $300,000. And now it's a bigger fruit company.

And now you're working 80 hours. hours a week, 70 hours a week, but you can't fill the register and your kids are eating and your wife is happy and you got the two cars and your kid can play the piano. And in those years, let's say you make 400,000 a year for four or five years, right, in the fruit business. And then some calamity happens, COVID, blah, blah, blah. You know what? That momentum from those four years will carry you. I'm not talking about the money. you put away, the business contacts you put away. Now your business is going to be a lot different and you're going to be dealing with bigger accounts. You know, it's really weird what happens.

But if you really look at it, look at a career of a football player. Look at a career of a good UFC fighter. The last four years? Four years. You go in there for four or five years, you rape and pillage, you work every single hour, every single day, you sacrifice for your family. And, One day, you got it. And now you don't have to bust your hump for 20 years. You paid off your house. You did this. You did that.

You've got your kids tuition. You know, now you're just, you don't have to bust your hump. And at this time, your life becomes easier. Like I said to you, now you're not dealing the bottom app anymore. People are coming to you with bigger deals. So you work less. It's all the same. And that's why I try to tell people that all the work you,

put in is to rock and roll for five five four years six years and after that you look back and go that was a time in my life got it so i thought you were saying like every four years you you improve or you move along but you're saying you're working for like a four year period of like the top of your of your work yeah you know guns and they busted their humps for like two or three years right and they put now them together they borrowed money or whatever, and in 87, 88, the album comes out. It's a fucking hit. And they go on a double or triple world tour guys. They didn't stay home.

They disappeared. And every time they looked, the tour got extended by 12 dates or 14 dates. And then the first year becomes, remember when Duff was on? And he was telling us the story that one year became three years on tour. and they put out two more arms, three more arms. They did all this body of work, and they disappeared. They each did solo projects. Axel tried to put an album together.

It took them 22 fucking years. And then they came back. And now they're making a million dollars each a fucking show. Wow. Duff, Slash, and the other guy guaranteed million dollars per show. everybody else was a high gun well if you because you were talking about like most people have that

four year window if you have a decades long window like if you turned it into that you must be top of the top now let's say it took listen it took me 21 years to get to my window that's a lot of fucking when I hit the window I was prepared

yeah and then I was in it full steam ahead working out two podcast this guy's podcast this guy's podcast this kinds podcast, auditions, movies in between the fucking touring. It was, you saw it. You were there. But there's also like, because it is kind of like you do grow.

Because I thought you were saying like your zeros are increasingly more. Like, yeah, it took you 20 years to hit like your top window. But like, you know, you got movies, you got commercials. Like you were growing the entire time. Yes, always. I was always preparing for that. spot. I guess it doesn't.

And well prepared. And, you know, and I'm very happy it worked out this way. Some people watching this going, 20 years, you're a loser. Okay. That's fine. Most people wouldn't have lasted 20 years, 21 years. They wouldn't have done it. I had nowhere else to go.

I was like fucking office in a gentleman. I had nowhere else to go. Now I'm 45. What am I going to do now? What are you going to do? Start a career at McDonald's? What are you doing to start a career as a bicycle mechanic, go back to ITT tech and learn how to fucking wire a sunroof or some shit and come to your house once a month with a lead Zeppelin shirt on eye. I'm here to install your alarm, you know.

Give me a fucking break, you know. So I was in. And then I just decided on what kind of career I was going to have. And then out of nowhere, it went sideways. And we started podcasting. and videos and fucking when we went to the movies with everybody for the Stallone movie

you know it was a process but those four years I didn't stop you know I had a kid in the process I was doing my own tour and then they put me on that live nation tour right you know it dug it didn't end and I'm very fucking grateful very

grateful best times of my life you know but I always knew it was a little window and then You do two things. You could take that window and play it out so you can never show your face again. Or you could take your toys, go home and live for another day. What do you mean by that?

I could stay in your face for 10 years and really be effective for five of those years. And the other five years, I'm just spinning my wheels. Got it. And then, or you could do what? Or I could take a breather, see who the fuck I am, where I'm at, If this material's even working for me, why am I saying this shit? This isn't who I am anymore. And then you come out and you're a new person.

I wish I could do it, but I can't do it. No, but, I mean, it's not what you want to do right now. No, no, I'm having a good time doing what I'm doing. Shot a video today, smoke some dope, went to boxing class. You know? You said you're starting boxing again. You did boxing when we first met, but you haven't done it in a while. Yeah, because I came back during the pandemic.

and there was one gym who did it and it was creepy it looked like COVID grew in there go in there and you walk up the stairs the stairs were rickety the stairs had COVID the water fountain had COVID the guy was creepy I was like I'm not doing this I went like three times why would you go three times if it was that creepy

because you pay the guy you know you got you can't stop just quit I work hard fucking money I'm not just gonna fucking not go I bought like a like a five package or something. I went to the intro. I went to three other classes and I was like this is too creepy for me.

Wow. The class was weird. Nobody was out yet. Right. I got here in 219. I was trying to push the envelope and COVID was still fucking going strong. A lot of these places were open. I walked in there and they were like, what are you

doing here? We haven't had a custom in three weeks. Wow. You're the only one walking around? Yeah. I went to another place that was a joke. He had like a fuck. His wife asked me what affiliation I was with when I first went there. And I looked at it and I go, I'm a felon. I'm with the felony fucking foundation.

And she just shit her pants. Are you a Republican? What's it got to do with me joining a fucking gym? Yeah, that's a crazy question. Did someone who worked at ask you that question? Yeah, the owner, the owner's wife. And I was like, no, the same for me. me.

I would love to know what the, like, if you had said, like, a Democrat, like, what would you have done? I had so much anxiety at the time. I was dying to do anything to get out to save me from the anxiety. But at the same time, I was getting anxiety walking into these COVID-fucking places. And I'd go, what am I doing? I'm in here boxing with a mascot. What the fucking I'm doing?

I even went into a hospital and fucking got my knee cut because of the fucking anxiety. I didn't know what, you know. So it's, it was crazy. That COVID shit had put me over the top when I got here. Now I got a chance to see, look around. The only thing I really did right was walking to Gracie and then stick it out and go there. So it is what it is. You do well at one area is in some areas you eat shit and you learn.

But yeah, that's, that's pretty basic. I was thinking about this. It's like you do a good four or five year run. You're covered. You got into a rotation. You made it simpler. You found a hard system and you made it simple. And you figured out how to make some geese doing it and having fun at the same time and doing drugs.

And smoking dope. You know, just being free. Oh, it's so fun. Like, that's all I was thinking, because I'm not a headliner by any means. But when I got to do it, it was like a little glimpse of like what could happen. And hey, it was seven hours notice, but like it was just, you know. Dog, it's like when Valvano used to first practice of the year, he used to have him cut the nets off to see how it felt to be a champion to cut the nets off. Oh, wow.

So that's sometimes it's a great thing that you did that. I'm not, you know, I'm happy for you. And listen, if you were to call me back and said you're bombed, I would go, big deal. You're never going to see those motherfuckers again anyway, but you got to do it. I thought I didn't bomb. And you got a chance. You know, last week you said something to me, and I spoke about it today also, that there was a question that you always know how to ask me questions that I answer on the spot. But there are questions that they're deeper.

Like last week, you asked me where I got the faith to hang in there for 21 years. or and it's like guys if you know you're doing the work something will tell you to keep going and if unless you're just not into being honest with yourself it's like I had to talk to myself in December if I'm going to keep doing this I got to do it right I got to go on these days and you know what's the big deal why am I missing these days and you got to stick to it and a lot of people at one point

point, it starts off great, but then they meet a girl. They get a job. They get discouraged. Somebody told them they couldn't be on Comedy Central. And that's when you get fueled. When people told me no, that made me fucking want to go off. Really? Did you have, like, a day or two where you were, like, depressed, or would you just

immediately get? I'm a human like everybody else, bro. And I got feelings. And when you're putting talent into somebody, I don't like, listen, I would love to help comics. I really would. I help you because I know you and I could speak to you. But there's some comics you're not going to talk to. And on top of that, it's very hard for me to judge a comic.

Why is it hard for you? Because I know there's always growth. I know I can make little adjustments in you. but as a human being and a comic and what I've seen, I know there's always growth. And all of that I would have a comic is, man, I like that joke.

That was pretty funny. Keep doing what you're doing. And else tell me, I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Listen, you're not doing nothing wrong. You think because you're not on TV or because Bert's not calling you for a tour that you're doing something wrong.

That doesn't mean you're doing something wrong. That means that you're going to, work yourself up to that level. I didn't get good at anything by people telling me, you know, yes, Lee. I got good at shit by people telling you fucking no. That was horrible.

That was God awful. You know, and that's, and that's why comics hang with each other at night, and we talk to each other. you know because that's kind of like the fucking that's where you put little things out there i wait for lee to go that i tell you i i showcase for the fucking guy in providence and he told me i wasn't good enough and then one of your comments from oka cracker joke and then i'll feel bad and i'll go you know did i ever tell you that i fucking got booed at the fucking you're like no we never heard that

story. And that's, that's, that's the whole acceptance. You know you're not just bombing by yourself. I love comics bombing stories. You love them? Because you like when I tell a story, people go, that's a lie. Dog, when I tell somebody a bombing story, they're like, that's a lie, Joey. And I'm like, why would somebody be proud of bombing? When you're doing comedy 20 years, you're going to call me one night and I know you can't hear me on the phone, Uncle Joey. Or you're old, but I wrote down my 20 biggest bombs, and you'll write them by date, comic, who is there,

and then the longer you get in comedy, you'll go back and go, oh, I know why I bombed that night. I don't advise that for any comics. But that's, you don't remember when you killed at Madison Square Garden. You're going to remember when you died in Grand Rapids, Michigan. You know, like nightmares of bombs? Oh my God, I take a shit every fucking day and on my wall. It says June 7, 2019.

Joey Diaz, the fucking palace in New Orleans. I look at it and I just fucking close my eyes. They gave me a plaque to bomb. Who gives you a plaque to bomb? I feel like the 90s that you came in Night Place and they told you you did great. You don't do me no famous. Why are you hanging this up? then. Because I had nothing to put up on that wall.

I just put my shitty moments up on the wall. It's a picture. It's that thing and a picture of a forest that somebody made for me. I think I gave me 1220 and it looks like the ocean. The forest that looks like the ocean? Yeah, I just look at that. I look at the crack and I just look down in the mornings. God damn it. I can't believe I bombed in New Orleans. And there's many more. that one just reminds me every day. But every once in a while I'm driving,

and I just fucking wake up from a coma. It's like, oh, my God, you know. It's like if you got raped in the third grade, you didn't tell a counselor, you know what I'm saying. Anyway, speaking of counselors, I want to talk to you guys about Better Help. I'll be right back. This episode is brought to you by Better Help.

Listen, stop acting like you can handle everything. Because at the end of the day, you can't. Even savages like me need therapy, and better help is the absolute best. They'll help you work through whatever's on your mind, and whenever, wherever you want it. It's all online or over the phone. It's easy. All you do is fill out a quick questionnaire. They'll match you up with a licensed therapist, and you can even switch therapists at any time at no additional charge.

Listen to me. I was having a lot of problems. You know, I couldn't sleep at night because I would go to bed angry. and about the dumbest things in the world. She gave me some exercises. Now when I can't sleep, I'm agitated about something. I'm too excited. I come down, I slow it down.

I write out some questions. I write out some answers. And here I am four years later. I feel a lot better. I feel secure. And I'm ready to, you know, be a savage full time. If you're struggling with, you know, anything, listen, give it a try. Get in touch with better help.

They're going to help you. They got a great therapy staff, a therapeutic staff, and they will rock your world. They'll give you exercises to go. And again, you can see them at any time, any place in the comfort of your own home. So do yourself a favor. You got something that's eating on you. It's time to get it off your chest with better help. Do me a favor.

Visit betterhelp.com slash Diaz, D-I-A-Z. And I'm going to get your 10% off your first month. Listen, that's a deal in the half if you know what's going on out there right. now. So please, contact BetterHelp. We're going into the summer, into the holidays. Maybe you had a recent death in the family. Maybe your dog got hit by a bat. Something, you know what I'm saying? Something. Whatever's on your mind. Contact BetterHelp and they'll help you through it. Again, go to BetterHelp.com slash Diaz, D-I-A-Z to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. slash Diaz.

I want to thank BetterHelp for supporting the show and for helping people like you. We're back, bitches. Don't forget if you're feeling ho-hum. Contact BetterHelp. They work for me, and I got deep psychological scars. It'll work for you, especially from bombing all those years.

I was just telling Lee how, you know, the triple runs, I don't remember bombing. But I remember bombing at certain clubs. I remember I bombed in Baltimore one time. time, even the crabs wouldn't come up for like a week, dog. Was it like the whole show? I bombed in Jacksonville for five shows straight. I wouldn't even land in Jacksonville today.

Was it the one that first and only time you did that city? Listen, I bombed in Nashville one time. I'm surprised I went back there and became friends with the guy. The guy remembered my bombing and he goes, it happens. You're an East Coast. I mean, he talked me through it. And then he's the one that told me, come back. And I'm like, no.

I fucking died the debt there. I'm not going back. Atlanta, I bombed. Really? Yeah, at the club. No, Charlotte. At the club in Charlotte, I bombed. I stayed all weekend, like a Jamoke.

I could have left Saturday, but I stayed till Sunday night to do a showcase. I didn't know it was ethnic night with drums, and they shoot arrows at you. And I went up there and died a slow minute, seven minutes. how to fucking spend the night at the airport. You know, this is why I advise

people against that shit. You don't know what you're walking. That's crazy. I can't imagine you bombing like that. Fucking bombings, man. Then this comedy store. That one, those were crying. Those, those were long tears. And in my apartment in 93,

I would cry when I bombed. Do you remember the first time you bombed at the store? That first weekend. What room was it in? The main room. Oh, no. Was it full? Oh, man.

And all you heard was crickets and some guy burping at the end. I had to follow Dom Irera. And then not like an idiot that I am. I wanted to say something to Mitchie, sure. I told, I never want to do in the main room no more. I don't care what you paint. And she put me in there again. and then she would put me in there again.

I was making money, but I was on a bombing fest. I bombed in that room for fucking years, Lee. Didn't it get any easier or did it hurt every time? And it was like 50, 50. I would do Fat Tuesday in there, and I would do benefits in there, and I would do okay. And then when I left for seven years,

once I came back, I started killing in there. Yeah, you got used to it. Yeah, I got used to it. I was away from it. I learned how to attack it better. you know, it was 450 seats. I was doing 200. So you don't, that's an excuse I used.

I don't even know if it's an excuse or I should even put it out there for young comics. I just had to work myself up to it. Well, you were pretty early, like not early, but what were you at when you moved to LA, seven years in? Or nine? Six, six and a half. So, I mean, four years of, from 93 to 97, I, I,

worked fucking hard and put myself in bad positions to get myself out of him. And I always thought I was retarded for doing that. And then I met Joe Rogan. And he told me he liked to go up at a certain spot at the store because he'd be in deep. And he wanted to, for people that don't know the story, Joe Rogan was an unpaid regular. And she would make him follow Carlos Mencier. and Paul Mooney and Richard Pryor and he was an unpaid regular

So he wouldn't get the $15 or whatever was? No, no. And I still remember fucking having to drive to the main room on a Saturday night knowing I'm going to pick up $225 the most money I've ever seen in years and still didn't want to get on stage. I would pray for the building to burn. I'd barely make the original room

you know, I just learned and I hung in there. But there was a lot of nights, bro, I came from the store. I did my Coke. I had the Coke spoon in one hand and a tissue in the other from crying and thinking what I was going to do next. It wasn't working. But then I come out of my drug coma and I go, you know what? I got to write better material.

I got to take an acting class. I got to talk to these people and learn what they're doing. I got to watch more tapes of the comics. I got to go watch more live comedy. You know, go watch this guy or this guy, you know, and see the differences in contrast. And that's, you know, it was a lot of fucking work, man.

There was a lot of looking back at it now, you know, people say, why don't you do stand-up? It's a lot of fucking work. It's a lot of fucking work to do it my way. I don't think people see that. And then, like, of all the jobs that you've had, was stand up your favorite? Like, if no money was, like, whatever about it,

like, out of all the jobs you ever had as a person. Let me ask you a question. Yeah. If you're born into a $250 billion fortune, yeah, what would you do? Does that start now, or does that from my whole life? No, no, no, no. When you're born, when you're $6.

You got a butler, you got a maid that fucking wipes your asshole. I'd probably do whatever the fuck I wanted. Okay. But can you imagine the freedom you had if I gave you $200 million when you graduated college and said, Lee, I'm going to come back in 10 years. And I want 50 million cash back from you. But I want you to tell me, I'm going to give you 100 million. But I want you to tell me what you did in those 10 years. If you told me you gambled it and I come back and you got like a Twitch, you know,

but if you told me that you did what you always wanted to do, but you did it for free. Right. If I was financially correct, listen, my love was always to be an attorney. I love that shit. That's why I watched stupid criminal shows. That's my little at Peeve. But there's no better job than stand-up comedy. Right. It's almost not, but you were saying it's a lot of work that you said, like you said, but it is.

It's a lot of work to get the way you're going. And then it's a lot more work to stay where you are. You just can't write an hour and live your life off that hour. After three years, people only go, I like Lisa, I have, but he's got to give that fucking story a break. Right. So it takes hard work to get where you. you're going and then when you're there shit now you got to become a karate man see i thought that you just sat back and collected checks and people at cigars for you no now you got to watch

yourself more and ever now and you know in the 70s was different in the 80s it was different now you're a comic you're being watched at all levels for stupid reasons for stupid reasons because at the end of the day we don't matter but and some people's love lives today. You know, they follow us like they follow a MEC game. Like they follow the Yankees. And I'm very honored and I'm proud of that.

You know, it's a fucking great thing to see where we've come from. Well, I just think they just know so much. Every podcast I listen to, I know it's an interesting experience. I mean, it's different,

I think, for you maybe because they were your friends first. Or someone who like is coming into it that I've seen them on things before. where I met them. Like, it's almost like TV to me. It's like, it's like,

someone, the same way you, you, like a sports person or a movie star. So it's, you know so much about, you know so much between their podcast being guests on the podcast and then you go see their stand-up.

It's, uh, it's a real fun thing to be like a fan. I like being a comedy. I love going a comedy show. I like being a, a comedy fan. It's so much fun. I don't think

I could do what regular comedy fans do, like to go to all those shows. That's disappointing. When you feel comfortable, and I know to like call someone like, hey, I don't want to go up. I'm not trying to do anything, but I just want to sit backstage and watch your hour

from the side. There's two people. There's one guy that I always watch when he comes. But there's another guy that I would And that's why I don't like to ask. Because I just want to sit there. I'll pay for a ticket for them not to know. Right.

Right. But I also figure you probably don't want to sit in the audience. Well. Not that you don't want to, but it would disrupt the show. You know, it would embarrass the shit out of me if somebody said Joey Diaz. And, you know, that comic knows I'm there and I'm there in the back. Like, now it's like, what the fuck's he doing? Is he taping my set?

I know, Joey. Why didn't he just call me and sit in the back? But there's comics that I don't know that I go see today. Right. And the best way to become somebody and the best way to fake yourself to work yourself out of a slump comedy-wise or in our businesses to get entertained. You're going to go one week.

call me in a year. God don't know what's going on, man. I can't write a new joke. I bombed the last four fucking times. I bombed that a fucking, you know, you're going to laugh at it. Right. I don't know, Joey.

And I'm going to go, open your fucking computer. See where there's a jazz club today. Go watch a jazz club tonight. Call me tomorrow. You call me tomorrow, and I'm going to tell you, go see a circus. Go see something Buck Wild.

a punk rock band. Go to something you wouldn't pay to go fucking see. Not nothing for $300. I'm talking about downtown Boston. There's got to be a bar with people jumping up and down, lighting their hair on fire. And it might not be what you like, but you're going to learn something.

What are you thinking they'll learn? Like, what are they looking to learn? How he got all those people in there. How he got those 34 people to dress like him. you know, what is he doing as a singer? What is the bass player doing? And then you're just enjoying their music. You're not criticizing their music.

You're looking to see what the attraction is, what they're doing different. Yeah. It was actually pretty, because I went to Nashville twice this year, and I'm not really a huge music person, but I went to a couple bars. And it reminded me of, like, the shows that I do.

But, like, it was just, like, bars. and they were doing covers, but they were awesome. And it was, but it was like they had shows. And then I did, I went to a jazz club. And it was, it was like cool. Like they were, they did sets and it was fucking really cool. You know, when I was younger, I would go to those fucking peep shows and shit. You know, and they're just a disgust fest.

They're just a disgust fest. It's just people exchanging diseases. You're young, you're young, you're stupid. But I remember years ago, I mean, I was maybe 21, 22. I would just come back from Colorado. It was a mess. But somebody took me into the city one night to see like a sex show. Okay.

I didn't know how to bring this up. And it was like 50 bucks. They had food and drinks. And these people fucked in front of you. I thought it was disgusting. He brought me that. Like, he's like, you got to see this. shit you know but when i left there wasn't what i thought it wasn't a peep show they they've had a lot

for the imagination like they had sheets on them it wasn't a porno room they had like silk sheets on him yeah when she was giving him head and he pulled his leg out and when he was eating around but besides that it wasn't discussed the guy was attractive the chick was really attractive and they were artists like they had their art yeah they thought listen the last

two weeks I've been stuck on something okay I fucking turn this thing off again it's entertainment this is why I'm stuck on it Apple had us a recommendation to listen to Madonna's

there's essentials okay what was the last time I listened to Madonna you know what do I care about Madonna she's her in the planet looking like fucking Eddie Munster with a wig on and a gold tooth. All right.

So she's got diapers on, you know. She comes out with a knee pad. She's an hour late every night. Come on, Madonna. You know. I had no idea. She's going to put a graphic shit up on the fucking thing. You know, Madonna's a mess.

But, dog, in 1983, Madonna hit the scene. And by 85, she was. running things. Okay. She was right up there with Madonna, with Michael Jackson, Bruce Springsteen,

and all the motherfuckers' animals that came out in 84. By 87, she had a Pepsi commercial. And she put deposed a, and she made Jesus a black dude. And she kissed them and shit and Pepsi lost their fucking mind. And America lost their fucking mind.

But they had to give it $10 million. Why? Because that's what she charged. them or something, I don't know, look it up tonight and read it. And then in 91, she released an album called, I don't know if it was Vogue or something fucking dirty. But she released a song called Justify My Love. And right off the back, the video got banned on MTV and the whole fucking thing.

So that song is... Is it give it to me? Huh? Is it give it to me? No, it's called Justify My Love. I don't know what I thought. That came, Vogue maybe, 91, 92. Because Vogue came out, and then 93, she came out with that song deeper and deeper.

And I listened, you know, I was always on Madonna in the 80s, right? But her fucking in the 90s, Madonna was fucking brilliant. I mean, listen, from my perspective, I came, it was so brilliant listening to that album. I came home and actually put, to justify. my love album, the video on. And if you watch this video, it's people fucking and sucking.

It's gay guys running around with makeup on, but it's so artistic. Did she have like a breakout song? Like what made her blow up back then? 83. Fucking, her first album. Just destroyed. She was the

queen of New York. By 85, she had a movie. Desperately seeking a Susan, she had a second album. But here's the fucking really weird thing. I come back in February, and by mid-February, I got an offer to be a bartender. I got to go to bartender school. So they give me a shift of two, five to one in the morning.

But they sent me to bartender school so I could do banquets. Oh, nice. So there was a lot of nights I would come in. do two banquets, make $400 and they would go, Joey, you don't have to work the front bar if you don't want. You go home. It's fucking 8 o'clock, it's 10 o'clock, whatever. Deal.

And I would check with, but on those nights I would have no cash because I didn't steal behind the bar because they put the tip in the fucking check. So I would always be light on cash. But there was one night I went into the city. and they asked me if I'd come in at 12 to work a banquet and then I was going to stay from 5 to 1 at the bar. It was going to be a long day,

but I was going to walk out of there with two cash, three at the bar, and 400 for the banquet. That was a lot of money back then for me. Well, am I now. So I go in there on Friday, I work the fucking banquet shift. I go to the front bar and they go, Joey, we're dead. You know, it's like one of those weekends in New York. People were walking around.

It was the fall. It was like the beginning of the fall. Right. So I'm walking outside. It's about 6.30 maybe. I ate there, you know, I might as well get a free dinner. And then stop in Harlem, get a nickel bag and go back to the Jersey. Okay.

As I'm walking outside, this guy comes, the dude who, what do he call the concierie? This is the chair? Yeah, the concier. I knew the guy, you know. I forget what his name is now. We would always fuck around. I bring him joints from Harlem. He'd give me his newspaper.

And on the way out, I go, what's happening? Brother, what's going on tonight in the city? He goes, oh, shit, it's funny. You ask. He goes, I got tickets for the MTV Music Awards at Radio City. Well, I was like 6.15. The sun was out. I still remember him talking to me on the steps.

I'm right across the street from the stage deli. the famous Jewish dealt I'm standing there he goes I got two tickets for you take him he goes if you don't want him sell him you know whatever I go okay and I see a pay phone and there was only one person I could call and I call this guy and I go hey man

I got tickets for the MTV Music Awards tonight at Radio City you want to come I took this motherfucker was going to tell me now he goes you know what I ain't doing nothing where are you right now i go i'm on 56 and 7 i'm gonna take the a train up to harlem i got time i'm pick up a couple nickel bags see if i can pick up some pills up there whatever a package of coke and i'll shoot back down here where do you want me to meet you and he goes why don't we just meet at radio city i go perfect we fucking met outside we rolled the number

we fucking walked in they put us in our seats i don't know we were like in 30th row it didn't matter I don't remember nothing about that night. At one point, they said, coming to the stage is Madonna. And you look straight, right? Just a big came out of the back on a wedding dress on. She went up there and put on a show. She stripped down to her fucking, you know, and sang like a virgin on stage. It's on MTV.

It's on YouTube. Oh, I'm sure. Listen, guys, I was in that room. She took the oxygen out of the room. What about her performance? Like just the way she was singing? Her performance. Sucked the oxygen out of the fucking room.

They were expecting anything else but what they saw. Anything else than what they saw, including myself. I was blown away. I wish I could see that performance live again today to feel what I felt. You know, because I know I would have gone on the stage and just lit that motherfucker on fire. She had the freedom of nobody. She just made her own rules, man. How long did it take you to have that feeling?

Like how long into her set? I had it the rest of the night when she walked off the stage. But was it soon? Was it like the first song or was it like? No, she only sang one song. That was it was an MTV Music Award. Okay, just one song. I felt that was watching Doug Stanhope in 96th in Seattle that June.

I felt the same way. Like that talent is off the charge. Like that something I'll never attain. Or you could attain that. You just got to fucking get down and dirty, you know. What are the interesting shit? It is, especially like when you're, I remember just the level of laughter.

Like, I'll never, like, I was hosting for someone. And I thought I was doing fine. And this guy is not a famous headliner, but he destroyed the room. The same crowd, just like the level of laughs that, like, different comments get and, like, how long they'll be laughing for.

Like, it's just, it's so crazy to see what people can do. Listen, there's a difference between laughter and there's a difference between unleashing energy in a room. Okay, it's two different fucking things, brother. I know 20,000 guys that could go up there, crack you up for 45 minutes. I know 13 guys that could go up there

and captivate you. Captivate you and you're like, that's a stand-up comic. Yeah, but he's also been doing it for 30 years. That's such a heavy word. Captivate, motivate, motivate. No, no, no, I like it.

I'm just saying like that. Because you do that. I think, I'm not like, I know you're not looking for like a compliment, but like, that's like, that's a, people would be on their like sides with you like and there's other comics you do it like i just saw rogan at the mothership he didn't like it just have so much control but i got the same feeling when you go to boston and somebody on your team hits a home run with three on base in the eighth inning when they had no fucking hope you know it's the same thing when somebody goes to see the

dolphins and they're losing 21 7 in the beginning of the fourth quarter and you see this quarterback just take it into his own hands and start running and getting concussions and you know and i'm saying that about josh allen i can be talking about anybody so you know i can be talking about kansas city you know there's something about going to watching a basketball game and you know one player like just his energy same thing with kana mcgregor you know regardless what's going on, you know, there's a certain energy. When they fight, it captivates you. And you're like, what the fuck did I just see?

Whether he gets beat up or he wins. The energy he lets out. But that's later on in the chapter. You know what I'm saying? That's a complete, you know, it was like seeing Zeppelin in the 70s. I can't imagine. When I listen to the live albums, the energy they were letting out into the room. It just wasn't the four dirty guys playing music.

and doing guitar solos, they were unleashing an energy that was, it takes a long time to, it takes a long time to nurture that and bring it up to the stage. That always blows my mind about music. And I know they probably do shows on their way up, but every time they put it out an album,

they play it for, I'm sure they don't play it for crowds. They don't do it every night to practice. Like, when they release an album, they've never played it live, right? Most people? Yes, no. You know, who knows?

Maybe they try it out somewhere you never heard about, you know. But I don't understand what you're saying, but even that energy in the studio. And yeah, I'm very impressed with musicians for that. Because we get, I practice my joke so many times. Yeah, when you listen to a, when you listen to a studio album, and you know that they got lightning in a bottle. that night at the studio and then years later you read something they did an interview and they'll talk about it that that night was magical everything just fell into place and it doesn't fall like

that it takes years with the fall into place like that you know high and dry by deaf leopards a masterpiece the beetles have a couple fucking masterpieces just fucking masterpieces you know so it's uh it really inspires you when you listen to a song or a guitar solo and it hits your soul you're like that's fucking amazing to see what they can do no no it's because i i i felt the same way watching it and it's i um i went and listened you were talking about Ari on Bert's podcast and Ari talking about like

your main goal is to be funny like listen and the only here's my only like the question I was thinking about not that I'm arguing with them but for like the comics who do like political stuff

if their crowd likes it is as long as they're funny I guess that's the whole point they can do political comedy but just make it funny not like a a speech is that like because I'm trying to think like this comedy for certain people some people are looking for certain things again whether you're going to be a political comic a Hamas comic a fucking you know a Puerto Rican comic whatever the goal is to be the funniest you can be if you're going to do a political comedy and stick to it and commit to it you got to make it

they hear politics all them right they want to hear your take on it what makes it funny to you how does it

fucking crash with your fucking world fuck sucker there's an interesting podcast and it's because Ari also

like he just started up a podcast again yeah like he took a break and it was just um listen man

not to not to repack last week, but it's very interesting to see the beginning path and where they are now and the differences. And look at their stand-up before the podcast. That goes for me. That goes to me in some situations because my stand-up did improve after the podcast.

I was performing so much that I had nowhere else to go. When I was really into it, I was writing, I was writing stories for Ari. I was always in motion. and that's how to get great material also. So as my case went, the positive was I did get a little funnier, but the negative was I relied too much on podcast material. Really? Yeah.

I didn't know that. It was taken 20 minutes to discuss podcast material, which is Lee, whether it's a story we did, whether it's a guest we had. And that was, I was starting to hurt my feelings because I couldn't shun out the material fast enough to do the tours. And I always wanted you to see me at least do something different, you know. Was it harder for you to like, not right, but I mean, if you spend time working on the podcast, when you had to add the podcast, did that kind of hurt your comedy a little bit? At that time, no. Okay.

But if I would have been doing comedy for six years, yes, that podcast would have hurt me. Why, what would have happened? Well, we would have made money. Right. Well, listen, then you got the guys from Philadelphia. They're pretty new at comedy. Their podcast is phenomenal. Oh, are you garbage?

Are you garbage? You know, podcasts are you? phenomenal. The other thing I get when I do that podcast, I don't have to think about anything. They just throw me fastballs. I knew you 30 years. These guys don't know me. And they throw fastballs.

You know, they're amazing. I don't know. You know, they probably did some comedy in Philly before they moved up and stuff. But, you know, I just feel that if you're a six-year comic, a three-year comic right now, you're putting a lot effort into social media to take you over the journey.

And I think I just want to just clarify that that you could take pictures with the rock, you could pictures of Dave Chappelle, you could take pictures with the queen of fucking England, you know, and you could take a picture of you in front of the improv with a microphone. And all that's going to matter, that's going to get you on that stage there. But if you're weak, they're not going to bring you back. And that's going to be the story of it. You know how many comics I'm going to do? knew that had marketing potential in the beginning.

Like, that's what they live for. And they were great marketers. They would pack place. There was a kid in El Paso. He had to be four foot eight. He looked like a little fucking Eddie Munster, Mexican any month. He was a part-time janitor. Oh, that dude had eight minutes of material.

But he sold out a show every month. Really? He just knew people. He knew how to promote that. But he had to spend a lot of time. to sell 300 tickets. So it took away from his stand-up. Got it, yeah.

He's working too much, maybe he doesn't go hard at night. There's got to be a balance and with stand-up, it's got to be stand-up first with a little bit of social media, and then once you start picking up, he does a stand-up, then you incorporate the social media,

the full steam ahead. But I don't ever want you to be right here with comedy. You're in an open mic. you're number 38 and there's 42 people and you want to start an open mic because you're going to sell out shows and you know you start a fucking page and you know you get custom fucking suits

and all this shit but if you're not funny you're going to keep those people back give yourself a chance to grow yeah and incorporate the social media as you grow and by that time you'll have 15 20 30 minutes and you could already post two seven-minute sets and then from there you just fucking work on every 90 days.

It's harder than I thought it was going to be to get flips. Yeah, what do you think it's going to? You think they're just giving away fucking tickets? You know, it's a tough business. And then you got to cooperate it. You've got to become funny and then learn how to bring them in. Absolutely. I meant like when I've been trying to record.

It's been hard to get something that I want to put that I'm out. It's a fucking night, ma'am. Just wait to you with Josh Wolf. The places you go, you're not going to record. There's people talking. There's people moving around the back. Just wait to you with Josh. You get a clean tape of a nice place.

And you do three, four shows, and you tape on. All right? I'm going to take two steps to the rear and get out of here. The piss is about the cut. Come out of me. I'll see you, Coxuckers, next week. Stay black. Love you, man. Love it. The checking is brought to you by Fuji Sports.com, which is basically Fuji geese.

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