The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - We're off and running with Joey Merlino and Lil Snuff

Episode Date: December 24, 2024

Joey Diaz discusses why going to prison ended up slowing him down, what being cool really means, and why people rat with Joey Merlino, host of "The Skinny" podcast and the alleged former head of the Philadelphia mafia. Support the show and try BlueChew for free, just pay $5 shipping at checkout. Head to https://www.bluechew.com Support the show & download the DraftKings Sportsbook app with code JOEY. New customers can bet $5 to get $150 in bonus bets if your bet wins.

What's happened, you bad motherfuckers. Uncle Joey here with my main man, Lee Syatt. It's December 24th, Christmas Eve. We want to chit-chat with you guys for a second. Before we start the podcast, it was a great weekend. If you came out to Uncle Vinny's last Tuesday, fucking phenomenal show, thank you for support. What's up with you, Cocklicker?

I had a great weekend at Mohegan, buddy. Good to see you. Nice? Oh, yeah. I love Mohegan. Did you eat the mushrooms? Oh, did I eat the mushrooms? It's, dude, you walk around with mushrooms like their tic-tacks.

I don't really. I'm 61. I got nothing to lose. The psychological is done, right? People are using mushrooms to treat fucking disorders. So I'm fucked up. So when you're fucked up, you got to go to the source. I'm going to sit with some fucking chick.

So tell me about your childhood. That's not going to do nothing for me. No? No. Therapy never helped me. Therapy is fucking nonsense to Uncle Joey. It's too deep. The pain and the fucking trauma is too deep.

It's just mushrooms now. Just mushrooms. You start with a gram a day. And once you don't see something, it's like smoking a cigarette. It's like smoking pop with no THC. How long can you do it until you go, why am I eating this? And then when I got, let's really test the psychological effects of these mushrooms. And I started weighing them, and I kept going up and up and up.

And here we are today. I love it. That's it. And what do you got playing for Christmas? Christmas, I'm going to go to Texas. I'm going to see my mom and my brother has two kids, which is fucking crazy. And then I'm going to be in Houston with Josh this weekend. All right.

I just got advice for you. Okay. When you go to Houston, Texas. Yeah. Go there knowing that you're going on a diet on the first. Oh, I'm so, dude, you've been talking about Houston for years? Number one place in the country where people go out to dinner every night. Number one place.

hands fucking down. Restaurants are packed because the average price is like $48 for a family to eat. They got all the Mexican restaurants you got the Greek restaurants you got Anthony Chang's dumpling pallets You got a what's the place we used to go

to Northston with the fucking crab seafood salad Oh Papatitos? Papados? Papados. You got Papados which I heard went down No. Pandemic that's what I heard

Motherfuck Papa Does has a fucking gumbo And you could see people's fingernails from Katrina, like they were holding on through all. That's when you know you're getting strong, those little whatever type of fingernails. I don't want to... What do you recommend for Texas that I get?

Because I've been... I've never... Fucking queso. Okay. You know, you'll ask at the club. Chewis and the other places, they're very popularized. You don't want to hang out there. I mean, chutees is fucking great.

But they'll have a new one. Okay. If you want to have a cocktail, you go to the taco places after two. And they serve you, and they just give you a... coffee cup. So you're there until five, eating fucking burritos, getting fucked up. Holy shit. I've been excited

to try calachis. Oh. That's, I've never tried one. I've been saving a calachi. A calachi is a redneck calzone. All right? That's how you have to look at. A calachi is a redneck calzone, and it's basically a hot dog. And it's wrapped in something.

I don't know. I thought it was like a donut kind of. Like a donut with a son. Not a donut. It's a stick. Like it looks like a little dick. like a little Filipino dick. So you wrap it up and they have them in jalapeno flavor. They have a place called Kalachi Factory. Okay.

Just go in there and get a dozen and get a 16 ounce Coke and let the diabetes kill you. Who gives a fuck at this point? Isn't that that home of like Dr. Now, like my 600-pound life? Isn't that where they do it? And that's an ironic thing. Remember in the fucking 80s,

if you got in trouble for cocaine in the NFL. Where'd they send you? The Dolphins. Why would you send the Coke fiend Hollywood Henderson? The number one Coke fiend of all fucking time got fired from Dallas.

He ended up in fucking Dallas. Miami's career ended. Career ended. Somebody else from the Broncos ended up down there. Another guy from the Broncos and they shot him and his brother. You know, why would you send people?

So now you got these fat, poor people. They can control the schools in fucking Iowa with mozzarella sticks, dipping them in ranch. You know what happens to your feet when you dip mozzarella and ranch? Do you have any fucking idea?

They get yellow and shit. So you get those people and now you take them to the circus of food, Houston, Texas. And you put them in a little apartment with that Armenian guy. You know, oh. How are you today? Listen, I'm breaking out of this bitch.

It's the best food in the country. Yeah. Why not, you know, why would you put a 600-pound dude down there? And they always lose 50 pounds. Yeah, because they walk to the taco place. They burn a couple calories. That's why.

But after that, they go fucking kapuch. You just can't live down there if you're a fat fuck. Put them like in, I don't know, put them like in Africa. Where will they see those people send $5? See those poor people? Because they ripped me off years ago. I sent that, when I was growing up, there was a picture of a black kid, and you could adopt them. And if you send $2.99 a month, you can adopt this black kid, and they'll send you letters and pictures.

They never sent me dick. I don't know. That kid's in college. He's never said, thank you. Nothing. I said to know like $8 when I was like eight. Eight dollars when you're like eight years old. That's a big fucking company.

That's all your money. I sent like 10 bucks because, you know, I like, you know, maybe I'll adopt a kid. I didn't know where I was going in my life. I was 10. Maybe I'll adopt a little black kid, bring them over, we'll join a band. Whatever the fuck. I don't know. I don't fucking know.

Could you imagine if one of those kids from Africa saw like one of those 600 pound people. I don't think they know as a human. Because they're like eight pounds. Like if they saw... Like the motherfuckers

that took over Captain Phillips' boat. Oh yeah. Those skinny dudes with the bad teeth that's the fluoride. They got no toothpaste. That's the least of their problems.

Being a fucking pirate. My friend's mom just went to Africa, an Italian woman. 70 years old, just one morning woke up and said, I want to go to Africa. They've been worried about it. Ten days she's been in Africa.

I think she came back last night. Ten fucking days. What would you do if I said I wanted to go to Africa? Anyway. I don't even listen to you because I'll make the call. Listen, I'll send you to Nigeria where scams were invented. Right. Okay? And you'll come back with nothing. They'll take your teeth, your shoes. If you think those fucking Arabs could sell, go to Nigeria. That's the, that's the birthplace of fucking corruption. Jesus. You're right. Why do you think all those people

call you from Nigeria? And they say that your uncle left your, your $40 million. What do you think they're calling you from? They call you from those stations over there. Scamming motherfuckers, pickpockets. They do it all in Nigeria. What are you doing for New Year's? New Year's, I'm hoping to get a show.

If I don't get a show, I have a dinner reservation and we'll take edibles. No, fucking. Just a regular place. I don't remember the name, to be honest with you. The Korean Steakhouse is good, by the way. I believe it. I'm just teasing. Also, my eye looks better.

No, it does. It does. You know why? Why? I gotta eat more mushrooms. You gotta, when you touch your dick or you wipe your ass, you gotta wash your hands. Of course. When you touch, listen, I don't touch dick.

At the age, I don't touch dick. The jacket touches everything, okay? I just went to get cigarettes. You know, and you can tell it's a narco hangout, where they make the money orders to send to Columbia. I had to wait 22 minutes. That's why I was late. There was a little Mexican guy.

Look like he had $3 in this pocket. He had six inches of loot, making fucking money on his. eight, nine thousand apiece. That's why it took me so. I stopped at one of those fucking bodegas. And so you don't, when you're going pee, you don't touch your dick? I don't even put my dick in the, when I shit, I shit with my balls in my hand since I'm a kid. Because I think about the women in my life, I'm going to stick my dick in some toilet,

and then you've got to give it to your wife to put it in their mouth. Who does that? Who does that? You go to a gym. I go to a gym. Right. I wash my fucking hands. You know, you get on that fat bike and everything else.

and then you go home and your finger your wife purple shit coming out of a pussy for two weeks and you gotta tell her some story so wash your fucking hands cut your toenails uh not your toenails your fingernails your fingernails got a women look at your fucking fingernails why they want to get finger banged if they see

dirt or hang nail you're not fucking slicing my pussy you know what I'm saying no let somebody touch your pussy if you had a hangnail you nasty motherfucker so your hands are the number one things that always got to be clean right so you don't touch your dick with a dirt hand. I don't have to my dig with the dirt, but I don't hold my balls either. It's like people on the bathroom and they pee.

They wash the hands, but then they touch the doorkn. You got to assume that motherfucker didn't wash his hands before you. So how are you supposed to get out? How are you supposed to get out? You get a piece of toilet paper and you touch it. All right. My wife gets pissed off. Oh, you don't pick up the toilet seat.

Fuck you. Touching that toilet seat. That's disgusting. How do I know? Because I pee on it. Touch it. If I fucking pee on it, I know. And then you're going to always.

a restaurant. When I go to a restaurant, let's say first of all, I don't shit in a restaurant. No? That's rule number one. Never. That's disgusting. I don't want my asshole in a toilet that don't belong to me. And that's pretty simple. If I got a shit like an animal, yes, maybe. Like when I eat why you beef that fucking Japanese shit, it goes right through me at a restaurant. That's why I don't eat it. White Castle goes right through. You're bleeding 20 minutes later from your ass. You know, so what was the question? But you're telling me why you don't, you don't shit at home, you only shit at home. But when you go to a restaurant.

You go on the road? Here's a good one. You ever go on the fucking road? Right. You shit moderately all weekend. Like when you're away for like four or five days, you shit. But it's not the usual, you know, it's not that shit. Are you making that noise when you shit?

No. As soon as you walk in your house and you lay your suitcase down. That's fair. All of a sudden you get that little urge and it's a 22 incher. Why? Because even your. asshole knows. The asshole has a compass.

You know that, right? I didn't know that. You ever get caught on the light when you got to take a shit? I shit my pants a couple months ago. Right or wrong? You're about the shit and you're holding it all of saying. You're like, stay green. Stay green.

I'm coming around that motherfucker. That's what happened. It went red. And it turns red and you get that pre-shit fart. You can't take it. It's like that hot air comes out before you shit. And you're like, Grandma, open up the garage door. I'm running it head first.

Oh, speaking of farts, you pulled one of the best pranks last week and your daughter handled it like a pro. Like a soldier. Because first of all, you love farting and having people walk into it. Like, remember the store? That guy at the store. There has been two times. One, an old lady outside of your apartment walked into it. And I think she almost died.

And the second one was at the back bar of the store. And this poor door guy, you farted and walked right into it. Walked right into it and held it. He could see his eyes changed when he walked in. He was going to tell me I'm up next. He's like, you're right. And he just fucking froze. And I go, do you inhale that fart?

And he goes, what the fuck was that? He goes, I couldn't even blink. I go, that's a tremendous fart right there. But then last, the last week, you were at Uncle Vinnie's, and you were just talking about farts, and you just started playing with mercy. Like, oh, it was you who farted. And like, first of all, it was a tremendous fart. It was a great fart.

It was like a six-parter. then it tastes like that little breather and it's like, pa-pah, I had eating pizza with mushrooms in it like those fucking psilocybin mushrooms and I drank a probiotic. You know, you gotta take care of your stomach. And boom, the fucking, what are we talking about?

The fart you took it. The fart came out and you could see it was strengthening. It was like a storm off of Cuba, it gets stronger. Like it was cut and all of a sudden the whole room was like a fog. And I told us, like Ty, in the 70s. When you bought Thai wheat, you take a little hit.

And all of a sudden they would expand in your lungs and you would cough for fucking tuta. And I said to it, it's like a Thai fart. You said that to your fucking 70s. Your 11 year old daughter.

She doesn't know what I was talking about. She's just looking at me giggling. But it was a good fart. You got to let them know from time to time. But then you said on stage that it was her and she didn't get upset. She didn't get mad. I thought she's going to kill me afterward.

No, she loved. It's so cool that she's coming to these now. I love it. And so fucking cool. You're happy? I'm very happy. I'm happy to. We're going to end 20, 24 off strong.

We're not doing a show for New Year's Week, and then we come back, like, I don't know the fucking date. We'll be in touch with you. But right now, let's get the Church New Testament started. Run it. It's Tuesday, December the 24th. The Church New Testament is brought to you by my favorite Blue Chew. Listen, you want to sling some big dick McGick in 2025?

Then you need Blue Chew. What, Joey, what do you talk? Blue Chew is an online service that gives you the same active ingredients that you'll find in Viagra, Cialis, and LaVitra, but for a whole lot cheaper and chewable. And it tastes good, too. Blue Chew tablets are made right here in the USA. You're not going to get none of that international mumbo-jumbo and test positive for, you know, and they ship them right to your door in a discreet package.

Nobody knows nothing. Not even the mailman. Nobody has to know what you ordered unless you want them to. So keep your mouth shut. Uncle Joey's telling you how it is, okay? I'm a little older, and Blue Chew comes in handy from time to time, and it gets the party started quickly. Just don't be drinking booze and mixing because then it backfires,

and then things happen. Just don't do that. Get at it like a boss this new year, 2025, and get yourself some Blue Chew, Jack. Listen, Blue Chew wants you to have. have confidence. That's the most important thing, right? They want confidence to see you and be for you to perform at your best. So discover your options at bluechew.com. And we got a special deal for you to get the New Year party started right. This is for the New Testament listeners,

all right, the family. Try Bluechoo for free. Can you believe this? For free, just pay $5 for shipping and checkout when you visit bluechew.com. That's Bluechew.com. That's Blue. Bluechu.com to receive your first month free. Visit Bluachu.com for more details and important safety information. And thanks to Bluchu for sponsoring the show. Merry Christmas. Turn off your TVs, run for your lives. It's over.

They didn't put you on this planet just to give up. If Uncle Joey could do it, I can rule the world. That's what you've got to be thinking. What's happening? I'm having you, I'm going to be able to be a lot of it. Thank you for having us. We appreciate it.

Dying to get a podcast going to sit you down. You're the best, my brother. No, you're the best. I say that I love you to death because I always want to be attorney. I ended up becoming a criminal. But in the process of becoming a criminal, you become a great attorney because you meet other criminals and they fill you in on things. I love watching your show because it's always an education. I was just watching the one yesterday. It was a piece on YouTube. And again, you're talking about a case you had and the feds did this and the wiretap.

I mean, what world did we fucking grow up in? No, it's fucking crazy. Everybody says, my kids, dad, you should have been a lawyer. You should have been a lawyer. I'd have been a lawyer. Because you guys like you and I, you know, we could fill the attorney's mouth. Like I could always fill it in a guy's mouth. Tell them this. Right. Ask him this because we've been there. We know where we hit it. Right. You know, we know all the questions. So I always thought about becoming the paralegal for years. Even now I do comedy, just to do it for two years. It's interesting. Just to sit with a bunch of fucking dudes that are like all Harvard on. You're like, shut the fuck up. This is the way we're doing this. I'm just. Okay.

They will open a law firm in you. I hope. That'll be massive. That would be tremendous. Well, you don't know nothing about it, and you hear Joey's stories and people that are watching podcasts, they're amazed by it. Like, they can't believe how crazy the government are or even, you know, the corruption that goes along with it. It's crazy. That's the most comments.

They all want to hear them stories. Well, look what they did the Trump. If you can do it to him, they can do with anybody. Yeah. Until you live it. You don't know until you live it. You lived it. But how old were you when you first got into the system?

I went away with my first case. No, no, not even going away. The first time they just said, you know, you're taking it down for a misdemeanor. I used to get locked down. Do you start with a felony? No, 13. Like shot. Then Robin spray paint paint paint out of me.

Right. No. Let me. You just paint back, pay for, whatever. My first, I got pinched to, I think it was 19, 20. I got seven years. Right off the bat. I never had a record.

The fucking lawyer tells me, you got to aggravated a story. He says to me, you're going to get probation. You never was, you know, no record. You're good. First conviction. We go to sentence. He said, we're a suit.

I got the fucking suit to tie on. The judge says, stand up. I stand up. He said, I'm sentent you to his Italian judge, too. Your own kind is the worst. He says. He buried you. He says, I'm going to send you to seven years in prison for count one.

I'm standing. Count two, seven years in prison. Count three, seven years in prison. My fucking lit. I'm saying, that's 21 fucking years. He said, take him out of my courtroom now. He said, I run a concurrent. I don't know what the fucking current means.

I went to fucking eighth grade. I go down, the fucking lawyer comes, you know, through the glass. I said, you motherfucker. I was only put the thing around his neck. She told me I was getting probation. He said, no, you only got seven years, seven years. I said, I got 21 years, you motherfucker. He said, no, it's concurrent.

What the fuck's concurrent mean? I didn't know what it meant. And I got seven years my first bit. How old did you do that time? I did two in a half years in Jersey. It was a jersey in Jersey. It was like the old law. You know, you'd go to parole board and all that shit.

I'll tell you what, it's cold up here, Joe. You think? I'm even, oh, a jersey cold. Oh, yeah. Cold hair. In the office, in the, in the igloo. Yeah, the whole, I love it here. It's beautiful.

The uble is tremendous. Trying to get it together. Even outside's cold. Yeah. I'm a Florida guy. Yeah, he's Florida. Listen, man, I, that's why I always have a hood that's sweatshap. I am constantly cold.

Well, you said wear a jacket. I said, let's bundle up. We're in Jackson because it's cold up here by the eclipse. Well, you become the Florida March, right? Yeah, March 14, totally if everything works out. All right, good. So, like, the other day, you were talking about some Fed case where I've heard, like, when I got arrested for kidnapping, they took me, it became, it was a Colorado thing,

but they took me down to the federal building first, and I spent the night down there. And these guys were talking, and this guy had gotten pinched. This is my first night. I ain't sleeping. First night I was spending in jail I ain't sleeping And they're talking I got involved with them

I think one guy gave me coffee At that time I didn't even drink coffee And he was talking about that He was making runs to Florida To Columbia The guy would drive him From Colorado To fucking Miami

They pick up the stuff He goes he got pinched He went to court He was the undercover fucking cop He goes That motherfucker was doing the same amount of coke was as me as me every fucking night, banging everything, snorting coke, shooting coke.

He goes, the guy was crazy. And he goes, awesome. They take them, they pull them out, they put him to rehab. They fucking clean them out, and you don't have a trial for a year. They come in looking completely different. Yeah. It's fucking insane. He was telling us this shit, and I'm like, you have no idea how they do.

Well, they got uncountable money. They could give them all the money, let them pull. already do whatever they want. It's insane. There was a case out of Philly. It was a black kid, drug case. They had a on the car FBI agent. You know, he didn't know.

I thought it was his girl. And she fucked them. They ain't allowed that. They didn't supposed to have sex. She fucked them. And they threw the case out. Wow. Yeah.

They threw the whole case out just because she had sex with them. Yeah. Yeah. They're not supposed to walk. Yeah. Yeah. But it's not age of education. Yeah.

That's also. He must be really fucking smooth if he got to eat in his sleep with him. Yeah. That's James Bond type shit. Yeah. Brits just come over to kill him. They come to kill James. Remember all those things?

They come, hot blonde will come to kill him. And two minutes later, he's fucking her in the ass. Fucking classic. That's Sean Connery. That motherfucker was smooth. Smooth as ever. You know, we were talking about, like, cool guys. Like, these guys today have no idea.

They just get dreads. and they put on golf and they think that's cool. And I'm like, you don't even understand what cool is like, when we were growing up, like, when you looked at Charles Bronson and the fucking mechanic, you're like, God damn! When you saw, like, I was telling them, when you saw Elvis, have you seen that documentary on Netflix? Yeah.

When that motherfucker walked out with the black suit, even guys were like, give me a piece of that. Yeah. Just take out that yum yum stick. I might as well get old with it. Fucking hilarious. Like, we don't have that no more. No, nobody dresses.

Nobody dresses, but it wasn't even, Steve McQueen. You see Steve McQueen and bully, you're like, what the fuck was this guy thinking? I mean, he's smacking his wife in the getaway. And you're like, look at this fucking, nobody said a thing. Yeah. Nobody said a thing. He was smacking the shit out of her for real. She didn't even know she was getting beat up because that's animal he was.

Nobody said a thing. Right. He was kicking her. Fuck, Nancy. Why do you think Italian? Like, as a non-Italian, it seems. It seems like Italian guys are probably the coolest. At least they're like white people.

Swag. Yeah. Nobody dresses no more. Like years ago, my father, they wore suits every day. If you look at the old baseball, like the fans, everybody in the stands had a suit. Yeah. Crazy. You can fly without a suit.

Yeah. When I was a kid. Dog, you were banging out some suits in the 90s. Yeah. Yeah, I used to wear it. Yes. You were throwing. I got to go by a fucking sneakers, jeans.

I don't even own a pair of dress pants. I can tell. It's crazy. No, seriously, like, even like, when you see people go to funerals now, they don't even wear black. They're red. It don't even matter. They go like it's nothing. I went to a funeral.

The motherfucker walked in with flip-flops. Yeah, baseball hats on. It's crazy. We lost it. We lost it. That gets to me. Flip-lops and the nude. With those plastic fucking shoes.

Or eating dinner. He's got a backwards hat on. I mean, it's crazy. Crocs. You don't like Crocs? I hate. Oh, Crocs. You're a fucking weirdo.

You got crocs on. And now they're giving them to kids. And every time I go to one of my daughters' games, I see a bunch of boys walk in with fucking crocs. You know what they give out now in jail? They used to get a member to shower shoes to go to shower. They give the crocs out. I fucking hate.

That's what they're wearing jail. I'd rather get fungus. Listen, I'll never wear them fucking shoes. Now I got the designs on the sports team, Spider-Man, Paul Patrol. It's terrible. This country's fucked up. The kids are all fucked up today. They really are.

Look at this kid the other day. Oh, what was it? Shot the fucking. There was a girl. A guy. He don't know what the fuck is. Now, that was really a girl? No, it was a guy, now it's a girl.

I don't know what the fuck it is. Not a liberal sick motherfucker. Yeah, it's a, it's a problem. You know, I was just telling my wife about that shooting on the drive up here. You know, when you're a parent and your kid goes to school, it's in the back of my head. Yeah. Every time it happens, I'm not stupid. I'm not fucking stupid.

It can happen right in front of you. When you see situations like that, you know, that only, you know, that only, have happened to me, knock on wood. You never fucking know, man. Yeah. No, it's dangerous. A second grader called the, you know, called for help. She got a phone on the other.

She got the phone. No, it's fucked up. It really is. You got to me, not send your kids to school today. Seriously, I don't blame people. Yeah, but if they want to homeschooling them, because you never know what could happen. We could stick it stop, but they don't want it. I put fucking, all I got to do is put, get, we got a million veterans out of work.

Get fucking veterans staying outside the fucking school with AK-47. That's it. The guy walks up with a gun, shoot him. Kill him, that's it. And at the deli today, I was talking to a 77-year-old, Italian guy, a full head of hair, and he was telling me he was in Vietnam and all this shit. And he was interesting as fuck.

He lived in Irvington. He told me that three years ago, some guy went to carjack him, and he had one of the Vietnam knives, and the guy ran like a little fuck-up finger. Yeah, yeah, yeah. God, I was dying. That's great.

And we were looking at him, Because he's out there. You know, he's 70 fucking seven, whatever. He was loud. He goes, the guy wanted to take my fucking car. You're going to take my fucking car? Come here, you little cocksucker. He goes, I have a bayonet in the car.

It's the one I gave to Rambo. He's a proper knowledge. He's ready to go at all times. When he said fucking Vietnam, I'm like, oh, he's one of those dementia guys. No, he was good, right? The guy was sharp as a fucking attack, guys. Yeah.

Sharp. And we were talking about, yeah, that's what he said. He goes, I don't go to New Jersey doctors. I only go to New York City doctors, and my doctor told me to smoke pot. So I started about eight years ago when it changed my life. Oh, with the pot?

Yeah, he said, the doctor in New York told him. The Jewish doctor told me to smoke pot. I went home, I told my kids, my kids started bringing me pot, my life changed. Wow. He goes, I live stress-free now. God bless him. God bless him, 70-something fucking years old.

I never smoked pot, so now I get pinched. With the case, I got seven years, I go to the fight, I got pinched a fucking fight. They locked me up. They put me in Lanny County. Landon County Joe, they gave you the top, top tobacco. That's what they gave you.

Yeah, yeah, the tobacco was in the fucking age. I don't know how to roll. There's a guy next to me. He's rolling like a fucking machine. I'm fucking, we're laying on the floor in a mattress. So I fucking finally get the motherfucker. Like, fuck, I fucked like five of them up.

I finally get it rolled. And I went to lick it, the fucking thing that was on the outside. And I said, I see, my man, don't be a favorite because you roll. Yeah. He's fucking cigarettes for me. He did it. That's, remember when they give you that top?

Yeah, they used to give you tops. It's a yellow pack. Yellow paper. Yeah. The rolling papers is tied. And they give it to an orientation in county. Yeah, there's to give it to the county. It's a Atlanta County jail. I was at, this is a funny fucking thing.

When I first got arrested for the kidnapping, they put me in Boulder County Jail. It was raided in the number two jail in the country. What did they work? They had fucking carpets. Carpets. Carpets. You had HBO and Showtime. You were allowed to stay until two.

It was fucking insane. Was it cells or dorms? It was a big, big cell like this with your own little private room. You got a TV in your room. County. What the fuck? Let's go there.

Let's go skiing. Let's go to Colorado. Oh, now you can't. You need a vacation. Now it's like, you know, they're liberal out there now, so I can't imagine how those prisons are. They're letting you fuck.

You know, those people let you fuck, let you do fashion shows. Who the fuck? How long did you do for the kidnapping? But two years. Like two and a half years out of my life. You're saying? Solid time?

About eight months. Yeah. And I loved it. I really did. You needed a break. Looking back now, it slowed me down. And it opened my eyes. I didn't smoke pot in there.

I didn't do coke in there. I did a couple hits of acid. You know. Which is fucking crazy. Yeah, because you lose your mind. You got to do something. You know, and then I already, like, I had show you'll tell you. You know, when you get arrested, you have evaluation points.

Right. Do you have a license at the time of your arrest? Are you a high school graduate? Are you mad? Like, it's just a bunch of simple questions that guys, all of us answer correctly. But once you look at them, you're like, these motherfuckers are such losers. They can't answer like two or three of these. Yeah.

They didn't have the job at a time of arrest. They never had a license. They never got a high school diploma. You're 0.9. Yeah. You're getting 17 points. Yeah. The 17 already.

Right off the rip. From the walking. But I had a job at the time of my arrest. I told them I had a high school diploma. I didn't have a GED, which I had to get later. And there was something else I had. So I think with the felony, whatever, they gave me four years. It was a four to six-year plea bargain.

They gave me four-year sentence, which, again, I went to court. George was there when I got sentenced. My brother, George, and I walked in there thinking, George, get the eight ball. This is going to be a party tonight. Yeah, you're getting right. You know, and you hear me being loud now, the one thing that I'll never change,

I'll never forget is when they, he told me to stand up. He goes, four years, Department of Correction. And I looked at the attorney and I go, what the fuck? And he goes,

do you have something to say? I lost my voice. Right. My pussy just, it's what it was. I'm telling you. It was like my central nervous system, shocked because I walked in there thinking one thing,

but I knew it was leaning. because they called me that Friday and said community corrections didn't accept me because of the machine gun. Right. When there's a weapon. Yeah, the machine gun probably would have did it. In Jersey, I would have got off. In Jersey, I would have got eight years, halfway house or whatever the fuck. And then they would have thrown me out after three years.

But in Colorado, they had to give me something. Right. You know, a machine gun, Joey, come on. Probably the only one with a machine gun in Colorado. No. No, there's a lot of Rambo's out there. Yeah, they're ready to go. That's why they send a Vietnam vets.

in the hills. Right. They keep them up there. That's what they sent them. Well, that's what the lawyer told me. I'm getting probation. I had the suit on. I'm telling my friends,

oh, we're going to go out tonight after I come home. Go to saloon. Yeah. The fucker. Put the hand cause he'll be drugged me right out of the courtroom. Did you get probation when you got out

in a couple of years? Yeah, I had probation. I heard that's worse. Parole. Probation, parole. Isn't it, is it harder? It's a fucking, the state, not, not bad. The fed's the worst.

Every time I was on federal parole, I got violated fucking 10 times. You're not. a lot to talk to a felon. So me and you could be in a cell for 10 years together. We come home, your own supervisor lease, they call it. I'm on supervisor lease. I see you in a restaurant.

I can't, I just got away. I can't say hello to you how you're doing. That's crazy. How you're families, how you're kids. Association, they call it. No, I know. I got an association. It's a revolving door.

I mean, how could you be in a cell with somebody for 10 years and seat them out with their family? You can't say nothing. That's ridiculous. I got to report it to the parole guy. You can't travel. Yeah. I couldn't leave the state.

I couldn't leave the Eastern District of Pennsylvania. I don't even know where the fuck I said. Where the fuck's the Eastern Industrial and Diction of Pensions? He gave me a map with a magic marker right. Like here. I don't know where to fucking... Yeah, I'm just going to stay here. Then another time when I got shot, my friend Michael died, and the cemetery was in Jersey.

So I was on supervised release. So I called my probation guy. And he says, oh, you can't go to the burial. She can't go to burial. She said, it's in Jersey. I said, well, fuck you. I said, I'll be there. You can lock me up at the cemetery.

And then my lawyer called the judge, and the judge said you could go to the burial and come home. That's amazing. But he wasn't let me. He said, no. Same thing with my father was dying. Like, the jail, where was he?

In Texas somewhere. They called my mother to counsel. She was nice. She said, you got to come. He's, you ain't going to make it. You know, whatever. So I was on probation. Again, supervised release.

My whole fucking life I was on. And I told the permission, I want to go see my file's dying. And they won't let me go visit him ever. They had me separated from him. He said, well, I got to get approval or this. I don't know. I said, listen, well, you can lock me up in Texas. I'm going, I'm getting a fucking one of the plane.

I'm getting in a car. I can lock me to fuck up. And then they asked the judge and the judge, let me go, take my mother. And he died the next day. At least I got the same. Yeah, at least you got the same. That's crazy. Fucking nuts.

To go through all that. You know, last time we spoke, we spoke about, I don't know, there's something Once I got locked up, I knew I wasn't going back, Joey. Just, and I had it nice. There was a Chinese restaurant because then they put you at a prison camp. A prison camp for a guy like us is like, you're putting this back in the mix. It's like warm up together. Yeah, yeah.

They were warming you up. Because as soon as I got to that camp, everything was cool, I almost burnt down to jail. They fucking put me in the stock room. And they go, you know, stay out there, don't touch nothing. blah, blah, and that gave me some juice because I could hide people's steroids and all that shit. And syringes, you know, they want to hide the syringes

for the dogs. And then I met this little chubby Italian dude. He had just done 20 years. And he used to make, you know, cheese and nachos at night. He had a fucking business in a fucking prison camp, man. $2 for nachos, whatever. He figured out how to make green chili in his cell. Yeah, they can make anything else.

And then the Mexicans would bring in the good, real shit, and you'd be trading tacos with them. My girlfriend would bring Chinese food, which is driving crazy. Bringing 20 egg rolls to the joint, you're the fucking king. Yeah. And it's funny. Nobody's ever accused you a racism, correct?

No. They can't. Yeah. Even if we say something racist about African-Americans, they go, not that guy. Yeah. Not that guy. Because when I got locked up, my best friend was a fucking grip.

And until this day, I yearn for him. Like, I miss him. That time we spent together, he had seven girlfriends. My own. A kid with each of them. All of them drove a Mercedes. Seven baby mamas. Seven baby mama.

His visitation started Friday at seven. Nine, two. He had them all. And he had them all. One of them was Cuban. So he told, this is my Cuban. So she would bring in Cuban sandwiches and nut of butters. We can control the jail with Nutter Butters.

Black people love Nutter Butters. I don't know what it is. They lose their fucking mind over there. That's great. So Sundays, it was a feast, right? Yeah. After visitation, we all got together. Let me see what you got.

Ah, my mom made me Bayzini. Come on. You know, now you can't bring food. No. The feds you never get nothing. When I was in the state in Jersey back in the ages, you were allowed 50 pounds of food a month and they could... 50?

Yeah. They were bringing in, you know, they'd go through... We had everything. We had fucking chicken savoy from the Beaumontas. That's great. And we would put it like, it's each inmate. So there's a lot of like black guys, Mexicans that they didn't have not. They had no family.

We put on their name. You know what I mean? We have fucking 400 pounds of four. Yeah. Go to them. Fuck, we ate like kings. Yeah. They used to have a hot pot.

They had a little refrigerator. You know, it's back then. Now for you, the fed you can't get nothing. Nothing. Can't get underwear, sneakers. Everything comes from you. You know how many people reach out on the podcast and say to Joey gave them clothes in jail? Joey gave them food to Joe and they had nothing.

Fuck we do. Every day. We do it out here. Yeah. I mean, we just gave 120 bikes out to the kids. Yeah. I've been in Philly for a week. We knocked on doors.

We gave all nights. Coats. Gave 120 bikes, 120 coats, sneakers, toys to the kids. We did it our whole life. And a guy commented the other day. He says, oh, you, you know, Snuff puts it on Instagram. You just do it to get on Instagram. You just do it to get on Instagram.

You know, video to video. Motherfucker. I've been doing this since 1989. There was no, there was no phones. no cameras, no Instagram in 89. I've been doing it my whole life. Yeah. I didn't go to go on fucking Instagram.

And the worst neighborhoods in the world we go to. I go in neighborhoods. Black people don't go in. It's what I go in. He said, man, I see you in neighbors. I won't go in. Yeah. The giving back, that's something that we were instilled with as children.

I saw 100%. I saw it. I saw it. One of my most successful friends ever, I see what he gives out every month. Yeah. Because I was part of it. I see how.

You know, and you go, wow, and that's part of the whole thing. You got to give something back. You got to get it. When you were eight years old, you send a kid in African money. That's right. Who the fuck would do that? Seriously, an eight-year-old kid. When I was fucking eight, I was going to Hudson County Park once a year with the

Heart Association. And I would go to fucking neighbor's house. Hey, come on, you're going to give me 25 cents a mile or 25 cents a lap. Right there. We can walk from here, right to Hudson County Park. Right down the block that way. Yeah. And I would walk, and I'd give him the money.

I did that for about four years. I'm like, what am I doing? I'm showing up with $800. I'll pay a Julia service sneaker. Yeah, yeah. The price went up. The covers with the red with the store.

Oh, yeah, the juilli, the limousines for the feet. Because it went from, sneakers went from being 1195 to Dr. Jay signed with the sixes, and all of a sudden, we were off and running. Now they were 2195 and they made the commercial, hey,

Dr. Jay, the whole thing. You get those moves. Oh, you wear in. Magic shoes. That's correct. I'm going to insert that video in there. It's okay. Boy, you got to give to get.

You got to give to get. You have to. Always. You got to pay your fucking... Yeah, you have to. My brother George, he has a all-star frame, and he fucking, or he pisses me on, because he'll call me. I got to drive to Cambodia to drop off a picture.

And I go, George, what the fuck? But I know. I bust his balls, but I know. That's how you pick up real business. Yeah. People just want to sit there. Let me get five. I'm going to open up a business.

They ain't going to do shit for you. Yeah. I ain't going to do shit for you. You got to get out there. You got to stick your hand in the dirt, you know, so. Every night you go out, you got to market yourself. You always say that. You got to get out.

You got to go out. Nobody's going to knock on your door and hand you nothing. Yeah. We're just talking about this. The Bluebird of Happiness, that motherfucker died about 15 years ago. And the dude, Vince McMahon, they used to knock on your door. Yeah. With a big check to check.

All ugly white people. Never in a town. Yeah. African, African, the white guy in Iowa. Yeah. Nobody knocks on your door. That's what the American public, a lot of us are confused. Not me, because I know how hard is to get from point A to point B.

And a lot of people in this room right now know how hard it is. But there's people that, look, I get the weirdest questions. Like, how do you become famous? I don't fucking know. Yeah. Do you think that, I wasn't going to become famous? is I was just doing this to stay out of the joint. Right.

This made me stop stealing. Right. This made me stop doing a thousand little stupid things. I still snorted cocaine like a motherfucker for the first 17 years or whatever. But it didn't, listen, I didn't go back. Yeah. The proof was in the pudding. Right.

God bless you. I know how to rehabilitate somebody. It's by giving them something to wake up one in the morning. Yeah. But if you're just going to put me out in society, with a felony and you're telling me I can't get a job. Yeah. Then you fucked me in the ass.

That's what we were saying yesterday. You fucked me in the fucking ass. You're forced. I mean, I'm done. Job can't move nowhere. Nobody's going to rent your house. No, you can't do dick.

And that's what they enforced in the poor felon. So I don't know what recidivism rate. I'm sorry. I'm a little high in my two turts. I got this little brown tooth over here. It's a little cocaine tooth. You was eating them gummy beers. I thought it was chewing gum.

No, these are gummy bass, man. Like, Tic-Tax. That's the fuck's eating. This is our sponsor, Via. Nice. And they got 10 milligrams, euphoria, 50 milligrams. And then they got day drift. That's the 100 milligrams.

What is it? This is a nice little thing, and you take... Oh, you eat it, and then... Yeah, you eat it, and then you turn out of Rick James. And then things happen. High as Rick James. Yeah. You're as high as Hunter Biden.

Oh, my God. These things are phenomenal. And we used to eat, like, 10,000 milligrams a night. We broke the record on the internet. Oh, I know. We're proven. Nobody could fuck with us when it comes to refa.

Even Chong was like, I ain't going. He had Chong on. Do you remember that? He had like his assistant there. His assistant was like, please don't give him too much. We have a long day. Fucking you even took down Chong. Yeah, we took down Chong.

Oh, my God. Have you been to Philly recently? Oh, yeah, for the comedy show. I went. I went through a game, and I fucking don't get me started. The Sixers? I went to see the Sixers. I went to see the Sixers. I'm sorry, they'll give you another one there.

Maxie was there. Yeah. And B didn't go in. Paul George. Poor George was hurt. God forbid. Now he's back. He's back.

I know he played last night. Maxie came. Maxie did something good at. Maxi went off last year. Maxi's great. He's a great player. Well, he's the one to call that in B. Yeah, he called him out.

He said, you show up to practice late every day. you don't want to do nothing. What the fuck are you doing? And it breaks my fucking heart. Because I love going there. Like I told you on your podcast, I love going there. Like I love everything about,

when I think about tickets for baseball or fucking basketball, the first place I look is Philadelphia. Football, I can't. I can't go down in no more. I'm not in that shape. You got to fight. You got to be in Philadelphia Eagle shape.

Yeah. I'm not a Philadelphia Eagle sheep. That requires a certain fucking... Yeah, you got to fight and fucking. They're at four in the morning. Starting. Four in the morning. They're barbecuing outside the tailgate. Not inside the tailgate yet.

Of course, the gates don't open. They're outside the tailgate. It's unheard of. They start eight in the morning. The game 8.15 and 8.15 and I don't even know where they're at by 8.50. They don't know what they're watching. They're fucking bombed. They're fucked up. Fucking 8 in the morning. It's 12 hours of drinking. You never did that? Yeah. Here's go.

Okay. Well, after the 12 hours of drinking, though, they're going to stop and get a cheese steak. That's skinny Joey's cheese steak. That will so over them up. That's what we got to worry about. I can't wait the open. And we can't wait, too. We have a podcast studio in there. We're going to do it all there. We're going to do all.

It'll be live air. I got that concept, man. Yeah. And Joe, we called good money on Trump. I know you did. So did you. Yeah. Yeah, we called that.

Lance Lund. It was fucking crazy, man. The people spoke. And you know what was crazy? Like, I couldn't see a lot of things happening. And I said this is a joke one time. I don't know. I just went off.

I'm a felon dog. Even if I was not a felon, I don't want to get into that game. Right. It was always a game. Your buddy here, my fucking old brother there, Mr. Charity there, fucking, we grew up in a town where we got exposed to it. And we got exposed to the horrors early on. Right. We saw some shit in the sixth and seventh grade that people didn't see.

And when I tell these stories, you know, I told the story here with my seventh grade teacher. All right great teacher was the mayor Wehawking. And he did 13 years for murder. You explain that to me. Now I got T.J. English coming in with an attorney to explain to us what happened there and how it affected the Menendez thing a year ago when they found the gold. Yeah. This is just crazy shit that ties in, you know? Right.

So growing up and all this shit. I was like, this was so devastating to me as a child. This Hudson County politics ripping signs down, choking people. Dog, I saw fucking craziness. I saw craziness. You know what I was thinking about my senior year, well, I quit high school, but I went to the parties. There was a graduation party.

I'm not going to say no names. He's going to know who I'm talking about. It was the captain of the police who I loved dearly at the time. Italian dude. They loved them. This motherfucker made the best chili and rice. Italian made chili. And I went there with his son one day and he goes, give it to the fucking Cuban kid.

And I held them to it. And you're going to make more chili? What the fuck? Who's this animal you brought to my house? But when an Italian feeds you, no matter what they think, they're feeding you. They like you. Yeah. Just eat with the Cuban kid in the other room.

It makes me nervous. It's got sticky fingers. Yeah. Yeah. They'll say something in Italian. Don't hold him. And they'll, you know. Yeah, they're talking about you.

So he had a graduation party. There's 150 kids on the street. It's 11, 30, 12 o'clock on a Sunday night. There's 150 North Bergen kids on the street. These neighbors were calling the police department. The police department was just hanging up on it. Yeah. Just hanging up on them.

Like, that's how down. We had a cop in town. Phil Sims. He looked just like Phil Sims, the football coach, the quarterback. This guy, you love him because you disagree with him or something?

What do you want to do, Joey? You know what? Fuck you. No, no, fuck you. How about I take my gun off and we go three minutes? Right on Kenny Boulevard. He's fighting three minutes.

You're driving down. You're like, what the fuck is that? And then he take you into Knicks and buy you a slice of pizza, wipe the cut down, and tell you next time I'll fucking strangle you, and then I'll book you, then I'll bust your fucking head next time.

And you go, okay, that's more. That gives a person more than anything. Yeah. You think about that cop. For people watching, they're going, what type of cop was that? Oh, my God. He gave me a beating.

I turned out okay. Yeah, on the right. Yeah, the world's fucked up today. What did you get a beating for? Because we were torturing him one night. We were high, and we kept calling Phil Sims. Yeah. The stick in the back.

Well, he hated when you called him Phil Sends. Back in the day, though, didn't the priest, though? He would give you boxing gloves, like, go fight. Oh, the priestess to beat the fucking bricks off. The nuns. My father, you say it all the time to me. Listen, if they did today, what they did, they did in school, they closed the... They'd cave.

They'd cave. Yeah, they closed school down. They'd cave. Listen, my mother loved me with all her heart. And I think about it. Why the fuck did she put me in that school in Carney? Because they knocked you out from a regular. And she didn't want to know about it.

Like, she didn't want to know about it, but she knew. And then it went down, like, I've thrown up. But if I think about what they do, what they did then, like, they hit me in the head with a fucking lunch tray. Anything, yeah. She poured the lunch tray on my head because I wouldn't drink fucking milk. They could fuck us up. Listen to me.

Today, forget about it. No, done. Besides to go home, I got beat up. They're not good. My mom, good. You deserve it. You're no good. You know, no good.

They locked me in a convent one night that every night they used to keep me up to school. So we got out of school at 3 o'clock. I go to a comment, they would let me stay at all 5 o'clock. I would have to listen to the fuck. They get piano lessons. The fucking kids playing a piano. One night we had this nuns. Sister Josephine Delores, she was fucking big.

They locked me down the basement in the common. She forgets me. She goes to bed. It's fucking 11 o'clock at night. I can't get the fuck out. I'm locked. It's like them fucking, the old commons with the doors like a dungeon. My mother's looking.

She came to the comet. They figured out of us downstairs. She had to go enough. They did that today. Yeah. They'll fucking sue them. Don't get them locked out. Could you imagine.

We got beat up every day in school. A kid comes home to say they'd unlock me in the convent to 11 o'clock at night. There'll be swat outside that river. Dog, she made me kneel on beans in the fucking stock closet one time. The stock closet where they had the supplies, the pencils and the fucking,

it was just like notebooks, black and white notebooks. The pieces of paper that told you one times two is poor. And you had to know all 12. Yeah. 12 times 12 is, 144 like a motherfucker G's up, hose down. They,

Joe, they used to make us stand in the back of the classroom with our hands out with two textbooks in our hands. You know, look. That's torture. And I had to stay in there like, I'm fucking shaking, I'm shaking like fucking Joe Biden on Jeopardy. Don't you drop the books like I'm fucking nuts. That's fucking crazy.

Fucking funny shit. I always think about that. I never really got into how much that bothered me. That's why when that nun told me to go in the stock room, I got so... It was like a molestation kind of thing. She made me kneel down

and she turned the lights off and made me kneel on beans with the lights off. Like two fucking hours and I heard mice in there and shit. And that stayed with me, man. I'm like, I'm gonna fucking kill this car sucker. Eventually this shit's gonna go down but I'm gonna give a break tonight because I'm hungry like a motherfucker.

You know, when you get out of there. But it was. If you think about it, today's children, whatever. And listen, I wouldn't accept it in the way. I don't want my daughter getting punched in the head by one of those nuns. But they didn't really clock the girls. No, they didn't talk the girls. They hit them in the hands, clockers or something.

The boys, they did. Yeah, the girls did they earlier. The boys, it was a fucking backhand. That bitch would turn that ring around and coming backhanded and just get you across the face. And then if you put your hands up the blocks, and what do you put your hands up for? Bha, bah, two quick ones.

And you, all of some, the kid would just drop. You laughed your ass off. I had some six shit. I went to a Catholic boarding school. Listen, that was the worst experience. Yeah, they did. But the best experience I had was the third grade, Sister Anna. There was 12 kids in the dormitory.

There was a kid that at that time, Octavio Fernandez. Ooh. Ooh. His uncle was Jackie Hernandez, the shortstop in the Pittsburgh Pirates. While I was going to that school, this is 1971, guys. 1972. He used to take us to Pittsburgh

to see, and this is the days when Pittsburgh was fucking rocking. Roberto Blumeny. Willie Stodgill's the whole fucking band. He was the nephew

to Jackie and Anders. A little Dominican kid with a little Afro put his hat on but the Afro. The Afro was tough too. They didn't have that type of afro sheen

those days. That motherfucker you couldn't put on the helmet. You had to shave it. Or, you know, you had to wear you sat to the side. Then one night we were in there,

talking, talking, talking, shooting spit balls. She had like the, it was just like this, but the top was open. And every 10 minutes she goes, I can hear you. I can hear you. And we kept giggling and giggling. Octavia weighed 300 pounds. He went right to bed.

He had cookie. He was like the fat dude in full metal jacket. You know, what do you got? Your lock? Oh, jelly donut. Yeah. You know, his honor on the end of that? I watched it again.

Every time it's on, I watched the beginning Until the hooker, you know, what do you get for $10? Then the movie goes down the head. You know what I'm talking about? Which movie's in? What movie's that? Full Metal Jacket. Oh, Phil Metal Jack?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Movies in one. It's a great movie. It's what? I don't like the second part. That's what he said, two movies and one. Yeah. I don't like, once he becomes a rioter.

Joe, you got to get him a shorter cheer. I know, but he's okay. He keeps raising it. Listen, I give him edibles and he thinks he's in the carnival. He's just zooming around here. He gets taller when he eats him. What's that? He gets the other.

It gets taller. I wish. Oh my God, yes, he does. If it made me taller, I'd take 8 million millimeters. I would do whatever. We were talking about something

that I wanted to finish right. Hernandez, the kid. So they're throwing shit, and all of a sudden she gave another warning, and they're throwing shit, and she gave another warning. And also, she came out with a pointer.

Okay? And she started whacking all. It was, bah, bah, pa. But Fernando, whatever's name was Octavio was big. And by the time she got to Octavio, she hit him,

and the stick broke. Now, Octavio, had been sleeping for two hours already. Poor Octavia, he got hit so hard. The stick broke, and she got so mad that she kind of stabbed with the stick. So we're like, oh, shit. And Benny and the Jets was the song, man. That was the hot song right.

That's how old I am. Benny and the Jets are played every 20 minutes on WABC. I had the button. So if you bumped into them in New York City, they gave you $25 grand on the street. Yeah. I had like a thousand bucks on it. I'd be walking all over Broadway with the little radio with the fucking one thing.

And I'm over here on 44th Street. I run the 44th Street. My mom's like, enough. Enough. Yeah, it ain't happened. I forgot. Oh, so we wake up the next morning. Octavio, the lights come on.

And Octavio's got two sticks and splinters all over his fucking bed. And he gets up and he's like, what the fuck was this? We just busted. We like Octavio. Sister Anna beat the fuck out of you with that stick last night And you didn't even wake up You were sleeping the whole time The whole fucking time

And she did stab one Yeah, he kept saying I got a splinter in my back It's 300 pounds You know what's funny though Did you ever? Now back in our days in school You never heard of a school shooting

A what? A school shooting Do you ever hear one? No Never So I never heard it until now Like you know The last maybe 15 or whatever

Yeah There was never school shootings Very disturbing Sick I like going in school. Yeah, we had some lunatics. Yeah, we just broke Bulls old.

You had a couple fucking lunatics. We all did. I filled him writing and Jim. My father beat the brakes on me. He said, you don't know how to write. How don't fuck you feel him righting? You don't know how to write. I didn't feel Jim.

I passed Jim. I didn't go. That's how you fell. That'll do it. Yeah. I never went. You know how fucked up it is now when we're going to pick out these toys for the kids right now?

There's no toys. Like a 10-year-old, they're like, oh, no, they really don't play with toys. Well, what do they play? an iPad or iPhone. What do you mean? They have to do something. What about a football or a basketball? Toys or us ain't open no more.

It's sick. FAA Schwartz, remember in New York? They closed. They opened back up. There's a line outside of that. It's down in Midtown now. And they had to put toys or us inside of like Macy's. Yeah, I've seen that.

Yeah. I mean, come on. It's ridiculous. There's not even toys. The world's fucked up. A different fucking world. Yeah. And with that,

Let's take a little breather because I want to talk to you and then afterward about what we're going to talk about here. And we're talking about Draft Kings, all right? And these are the Kings of Picks right here. My man Snuff, he went like, what, two and 22 last weekend? No, I'm teaching. You know I love him to death. Four and one. Four and one, four and one.

Four and one. The last time you had a winner, Ronald Reagan was in office. Yeah. We'll be right back. First of all, myself and Draft Kings wish you a Merry Christmas. So let's make it meritate for you. Make some cash without going outside, you animal. Get it on the sports action without even leaving the couch.

All right? It's going to be cold. There's going to be traffic. People yelling and screaming. Not for you. You're going to order a little food. And you're going to place bets with Draft King's sportsbook. And you're going to have a great time.

And maybe even if you're lucky and you pay attention, you're going to make some extra cash. Me, myself, I love it. I love Draft Kings. And here's a gift for new customers. All right? You ready for this one? You're going to bet $5 and get $150 and bonus bets if your bet wins. Download the Draft King Sportsbook app right now.

Listen, let's get the party started. 2025. You're on the right foot. Download the Draft King Sportsbook app. Pressing code Joey. J-O-E-Y. Again, that's code Joey for new customers to get 150 in bonus bets if your bet wins. when you bet just five bucks.

Happy holidays from Draft Kings, where the crown is yours. And happy Merry Christmas, Hanukkah from the Church New Testament family. Gambling problem, call 1-800 gambler. In New York, call 8778-Hope-N-Y or text Hope & Y-467-369. In Connecticut, help is available for problem gambling. Call 888-88-989-7777 or visit ccpg.org. Please play responsibly. On behalf of Boot Hill Casino and Resort in Kansas, 21 and over.

Age and eligibility varies by jurisdiction. Void in Ontario. Bet must win to receive reward. Bonus bets expire 168 hours after issuance. For additional terms and responsible gaming resources, see dkng.com slash FT Ball. We're back. Thank you. And please support Draft Kings.

You know, I love them. They've been working with me for years. And speaking of Draft Kings, Snuff himself is a little empissario. on the sports betting world. Part of the Skinny. That's right. Part of the Patreon package is that. Yes.

You give a couple picks out. These are elite picks. What I want from him is what's going to happen on Christmas Day. Christmas Day, we're going to go with a parlay, two-team parlay. First, first game, we're going to go Steelers over Kansas City. Steelers are home. Must win game from them. And then we're going to go with Houston over Baltimore.

Houston's home. They got to win. I love C.J. Strout and Baltimore does nothing for me. Here's your two locks for Christmas Day. Have a black Christmas. No, you won't. Santa's going to be stuffing them stockings for you. Make sure you bet on draft kings.

Oh, my God. What's going on with you? My brother, who do you like Christmas Day? Oh, God. Fuck are you talking about. I like Pittsburgh. I like Pittsburgh. I like the Texas game.

I like Baltimore a little, but I like Pittsburgh. They got to win. And Kansas City, you don't know if Mahomes play. Yeah, Mahomes might be, yeah, we don't know if he's going to be in or out. Wentz is the backup. They're teasing you. Anyway, they're setting you up. Yeah.

He'll come back for, like, the playoff and throw the ball that Kelsey catches. Yeah. Then he proposes to the one check on TV. I can't stand him. You know, that's what's going to happen. They're not going to have enough, though he proposes to a national TV with a little faggy fucking mustache. Yeah.

Yeah. That's the truth. It really is. It really is. sad what they want to do. And it's, it's, you know, not fair. The NFL wished her happy birthday the other day. When the fuck did the NFL ever wish anybody happy birthday? Never, never been done. They didn't wish Tom Brady happy birthday. You got fucking 10 Super Bowls. They wish fucking Taylor Swift happy birthday. You know, beside the court cases and just the funny shit, you say,

one of the things I admire by you the most is when you just go off on the route of the month. It's December. I know you have some jingle and joy in your heart. Obviously, I know what you do. You know, you fucking just donate it. Who's the right of the month this man? Take any easier on them.

Just, just, who's the ride of the month? We just did the kid. What was it name? Anthony Arlotta from Connecticut. We got to pick. We got some money. We're going to pick one out of the hat after the New Year.

I'll let you know. What is going on even there? They don't want to go to jail. It's the bottom line. they try to justify it. I didn't put nobody in jail. I didn't, you're fucking told. That's the bottom line.

I just never understood that whole thing. I just never understood it. They're getting in trouble. They got no way to get out. They all fucking lie. I mean, I mean, every one of my cases, we call them lying. Like, that's what helped us. That helped us we want by them lying.

They lied. Anybody who told them me never got locked up with me. It ain't like me and you robbed the bank. you know and you told them me they got caught doing their own thing like the guy wrapped in the tally he was his fourth conviction for selling meth he was getting life with no parole

I didn't get locked up with him he was a drug dealer and then he came in and said I did this I did that I did that and the government let him go he did that fucking eight 10 years whatever he got instead of life and he went home and I had a fight for my life

sad ain't it it's a fucking different world out there But what's always intrigued me is the witness relocation plan, like how you have to move your kids, your wife, everybody's got to pick up the fucking go. And everything's got to change. Now, you got to live, you know, with somebody watching. Usually they, you know, a lot of them live, right?

But you know what it's funny? They don't tell the people. No, they don't tell you a lot. No, they don't tell the, like, like, say him in a bull. He can move next door to you. You don't know. They tell you his name's fucking Vinnie Vito. Oh, a nice neighbor of Vinny.

You don't know he's a fucking serial killer. You got a fucking serial killer. They don't tell the people. Yeah. Why don't they move on next to the FBI's? Yeah, make them live next to them. Let them be their neighbors. If you, like, I know you wouldn't rat.

But like, let's say you had some really good information. How much could you get from the government? Like, could you get them to put you in a mansion? Can you get a- Oh, they buy them houses? Houses. They pay for them. The one guy was making, how much a month, Joe? They got a guy in my case of a million dollars.

cash. He said, I got to be paid cash. Yeah, a million dollars. My lawyer said, why did you pay cash? He said, why don't want to get a check in case I went to the bank. They know it was from the government. They would know I was as an informant. So they paid him a million dollars cash to the game. My lawyer said, previty, that fat motherfucker. My lawyer said, you pay taxes? He said,

no, I didn't get around to it yet. You need to get around to it yet. He said, well, I made a deal. He's got to pay, you got a million cash. He had to pay a couple thousand a year. My lawyer figured it out. It'd take him 530 years to pay it back.

My lawyer said them, who the fuck's your, who's your account, Al Capone? I wish I could get that fucking deal. Ah, that's crazy. No,

it's nuts. Most of them that go into witness protection from get thrown out. They, they wind up committing more crimes and lying again and rat on somebody else,

then they get thrown out. Look at Sammy the Bull. Yeah. He got five years, which he only did fucking two years, just the rat on John Gotti, lied about him, put him in jail.

They gave him five years. He did about two. He wasn't, he might have been, in jail year. He got relocated to Arizona and him and his wife, his son and his daughter, open the next C ring, saw an XC. And the state, Arizona was smart because they knew the feds was going to come.

They never told the feds about it, about it. Because the feds would have made, they would tip them off. So listen, just stop, you know, shut down. The Arizona pinched him and they fucking buried again 20 years. I came home. I gave out Christmas gifts to kids. This motherfucker is all next to the city kids. I'm the Bay guy.

They love him. You got a TV show. Just got a TV deal, I think, right? Yeah, TV deal. It's a hell of a deal, guys. Yeah, like a big deal. That's a hell of a deal. Antoine Foucair.

Yeah. And the guy from boardwalking the Sopranos? No, yeah. You're going to spend that book beautifully. It's fucking sick. It's something that they need. It's sick, listen, it's sickening. But right now, something has to save the mob genre on television and film.

Something really has to come along soon. I like the Stallone thing for like three. I like Stallone. Tulsa King. Tulsa King's great. He's good. Yeah. We need something to represent pretty soon.

Oh, fuck it up, though. He fucks up everything. Oh, Sammy? Yeah, he's a piece of shit. No, but he's got serious people behind him, got a serious station. Yeah. All the money he makes, they should give to the kid. He killed the kid's family.

Yeah. At the Kaiser, he killed a 16-year-old and he's a kid. For nothing. Yeah. Sick. And they slid it on the road. He killed his brother a little, too. A nice guy.

You looked at, that was 30 years ago. and you look at what was going on then and what's going on in today's world up there. And it was, those guys were, they were playing for keeps, and they were making a lot of fucking money, man. A lot of money. I used to work for a roofing company.

I married a girl, a family, at a roofing company. And after a while, they started taking jobs in Colorado. They were from Colorado originally. And I asked them once, I go, you love the fucking, you can work in jobs. Jersey in New York and you guys want to work in. They're like, you see that dumpster?

That dumpster in Colorado costs $2,000 for the day. No, $200 for the day. If this was New York, it's $2,000 for the day. He goes, it was impossible. No, it's hard, yeah. It was very impossible. Especially with the traffic, though. Like, you know what it

costs to get that shit out in New York? Yeah. Listen, the gas, fucking takes you fucking... Was there last week? What the fucking... Yeah. We had to go fucking eight blocks that took us almost an hour to drive the traffic like yeah one point five miles was like 40 minutes i guess it's got a cost major money to build the building in new york like the concrete

trucks and the fuck how are they going to get there we'll stick in york philly we'll stick in philly listen to this is all going to change if gambling gets legalized in new york city yeah okay just just remember that that's all going to fucking go out the window they're going to have they're going to put it right to my hud's and fucking yards no they're going to have gambling gambling Gamble's going to be legitimate. And they said in five years except two states, you told the Mormons and somewhere else.

I don't know where the fuck is. You could be able to go to, like say you go to 7-Eleven and play lottery, you go and give me the Eagles for 400. Yeah. And bet right there. Yeah. 100%.

The stadiums you're going to be able to bet right in there. That's it. Listen, the new crack. The new crack is the parley. See in Philly? The fucking lines around a corner. Yeah. Around the corner.

Everybody bets parles. Girls, guys, grandmothers, wives. kids. I was with my friend Wags who were out with his son. We were in New York with the Mets game. We're eating dinner. He says, the kid, he's 13, Eddie, my nephew.

He said, Dad, give me your Social Security, Dommer. He said, what the fuck you want my Social Security on? He said, I'm going to open a Giraff King's account. My Social Security, you know, you've got to be of age. On that side, Joe. Every kid's got one. Yeah, everybody. Every kid bets.

Every kid in school. They put a casino right in the middle of our neighborhood, the bankrupt all of us. That's what they did. They're robbing houses. They go gamble. Yeah. It's fucking sick. The casino I can throw a fucking quarter at it.

Listen, I don't know if any of you use, yeah. I, by mistake, got into college. Did you? I hate when that happens. You know, on a C-UOP program, you know, there's no Spanish people at the University of Colorado, Boulder. And they, yeah, we'll give you a Pell Grant, this and this and this. I'll never forget that when you go on the first day to orientation, you walk down there's a bunch of tables, you know. And there's like, you know, talk to us about becoming a lawyer,

talk to us. And then as you go deeper, it's come talk to us, sign this and get a 250 discovery card. And they're all there. You get like a grand out of them. You know, you get Discover, Visa, and something else at that day, whatever. The one that you could eat at the restaurants. Remember there was a card in the 80s? It was just Diners Club. Yeah. That's when you were Big pimping. Yeah, the diners club piece. The diners club, that one. So they gave you about $750.

You open up with a $2.50 account. 11 out of 10 kids blew their credit right there. That's where you were a disaster was, okay? Now, I'm hearing, and I don't know how true it is, that when you walk that table now, all the services are there. Come with us right now, we'll give a $50 credit. No, you got to just keep walking. and they know that you went to talk to this guy and that guy,

but you're walking out of there with a, you're 19 years old, and they're giving you, you know, 5,000 free credits. Yeah. What are you going to do? I'm going to save them. Not me. No, you're going right to the sixth game, which you're going to put on the card to, yeah!

You're going to bring a little enchilada with you. You're getting a fucking half-gibot, so by half-time, you get a little twitchy game. That's B! Why are you in there? What about that? Dog, I swear to my mother, not this time, and not the time before that.

I wanted to tell you about this. I forgot when I came on your podcast. I went to a sixth game. This is, you know, and weirdness is growing. The one game, I took my daughter, and fucking, there was a black guy making out with a white guy. And black guy making out with a white guy? Right there in the middle, right there.

Philadelphia and I knew this wasn't gonna last. Right. I just mind my business. At that situation, you just look because you know the bomb is dropping. Yeah, you know what's coming. You don't want to be looking at that direction. You know what I'm saying? So I'll never forget that.

Like three minutes later, I look over to give a popcorn, disappeared. Right? They were gone. Well, one before that, I took my neighbor Luke. I took all the kids. Like there was two boys, my daughter, my wife, me. In that time, there was a live. hooker.

Working it. Oh, I've never seen that in my... And I've bumped on to thousands of events. You know, guys, how it is. She was a little Asian girl with fake tits. And she was tweaking. So she kept walking up and down, holding on to a blouse. The one tit was bouncing out.

They took like eight or nine walks and somebody came up to listen. You got to go. There's a guy on the third floor that wants to talk. I got a T-shirt for you. I'm saying. They scored her out of it. I'm telling you, she was working at it.

And she was with some schmuck. Like, they dress up like they're going on a car. The schmuck walked up there. You know that wasn't his girlfriend. Yeah. He went the other direction. He's like, woo, that guy, I got that mess off. Like a gram of Coke.

You could tell. You know, she kept going up for a drink. You know, there's a guy who will at least bring you a beer. I go to one of those games. I get coked up. I'm just sitting there. Oh, that's what I want to tell you before. You were talking about these Philadelphia people,

how crazy they are. Yeah. In 1993, I come back here to do comedy. I'm living with my brother, George. I'm barely fucking making it. And the Jets were playing somebody in that late game. The 7 o'clock game. So me and my buddies, yeah, we're going to go to the game.

One of them got tickets. It was five of us. We're going to go to the game. What times are game? 7.30. It was Monday night football. What am I saying? There was Monday night football

So we get there early, case of beer And someone of the guy says I didn't tell you I picked up a half ounce of coat So we start snorting the parking lot Right And now this fucking it's We didn't everybody's outside grilling Yeah, we're in the car

Frozen Nobody would even get out the piss We're like sitting in the car Do you know the game started And we were still in the car That's when we got out to pee And then we were too fucked up to go in the game So we crawled back in the car

And listen to one on the radio? Huh? Would you listen to one of the radio? Oh, my God. Radio when we were yakking to one another. It was just a cloud that was cigar ashes. He's cigarette ashes all over us. You know the game ended?

Everybody went home and was still in a lot. That's how much fucking Coke we had. What are you going to do? Oh, looking crazy. That's tailgating, motherfuckers. Yeah. You go, I'm going to go out there and get a hot dog. Oh, my God.

Get the fuck out of here. And he's going to suck dick on the Lord's Day. or you're not. You know what else is going on? I'm excited. How are you doing with the Blue Chew? Blue Chew? What do you got to get me started for?

I thought I was going to get you started with the fucking ride of the month. You would get an emotion on me. Before the holidays, you know? No, I'll let you know next month. You'll be posted. I was, you know, I keep an eye on your sagas and shit and I fucking love everyone.

I don't want to get you started. It's a holiday. It's a holiday. It's a holiday. It's a nice, joyous time. You're in a good mood. Thank you, my brother. But I love you to death.

I love you. Thank you. We appreciate it. I appreciate you guys coming on here. Anytime. Yeah. Anything you need to do it again? I love the studio.

Beautiful. We're trying. No, it's beautiful. This is perfect. Yeah. I feel at home right here. Fucking right. This is nice.

We've got to get him another chair, though, Joe. Yeah. I think we should go higher. Yeah. You don't want to get him like a barbershop chair. Yeah, the chair. Yeah. Put them back.

And put the camera on them from the top. And they can see the evolution of the edible, working out. I love it. You guys got anything going on? Well, what we're going to do is just going to celebrate Christmas. You know, everything that we got going on for New Year's, just watch the mummers like we do every year. We're usually in the parade.

This year we're taking a year off. So we'll be back next year, bigger, you know, and just will go from here. Joey, we'll go back to Florida and get in the warm weather. Yeah. That's it for you? Yeah. Fuck this. It's too cold.

You don't want to go to Colorado and ski? Colorado. Yeah, I go skiing with you. Yeah. They say it's beautiful for skiing over there. My God. Aspen, they said, they say Aspen, more people go Aspen in the summer and the winter. I don't have a computer here, but where they tape the shiny, a little bit far from there.

It's where you go up there and you feed the chipmonds come up to you. That's the most visited place in the United States. Well. What is it? Estes Park, is it? Wow. Colorado's the shit. That's why I did time.

Yeah. That's why I did time. The fucking county jail. sounds nice. Oh my God. Bad fucking cable. Maybe I'll go there for New Year's. Yeah.

I was, you didn't say a little break. So you had to go. It was like, first you were, first you got put the bed at 9 o'clock. And then if you behave to yourself, you bailed in and get lowered. Right. And you mind your business. They put you into the 10 o'clock block. Right.

And that wasn't too bad. And then if you were good, good, they put you in the midnight block. And those guys just let you go until two or three and three. And they gave you cigarettes then. It was like an half-hour club. I was locked up in county the night that Bo Jackson ran over Brian Bosworth. I was in when he fucking drilled him, kept running.

Bosworth didn't know where he was. You know, you remember those moments. You know what I'm saying? No, I remember this one. Those are tender moments. You're like, man, I love it. I'll remember where I was at this time. Mount Hood?

Listen, that's where they kill people. I'm going to take you there. What does I say to you? No, Colorado, man, I got up there when I was 19. By coincidence. Somebody of mine had fucked up, you know, he got thrown out of college, and he goes, I'm going out there to be a garbage man.

You're fucking savage. And I'm just fucking, my other brother's out there, so I had nothing going on here. We drove out there. It took us about 48 hours. All we had in the car, his name was Jimmy Berkel. my brother, God rest his soul. You got to mention that,

motherfucker. And we drove out there with a barbell, 140, you know, the fucking big bar. He came here for barbells and speakers. That's why he came back here. Then the car broke down in Pittsburgh. I just tried to rob a bookie, and it didn't pan down. It was one of those nights, but

I told everybody to be at the bar by midnight. I owe you, that 300, I owe you. And bring another eight ball, and I showed up there, like, at midnight with the glove, my hang was tangled. Everybody was waiting for you. for me I had to rob the janitor. The janitor from the high school would come up there at night on a Friday night. And he would show up with a container and he put it in his pocket.

And it was always those pill things to tell you what time to take your pills. Right. But one of them was always filled with, like, at the time, Valium. So I would take the Valium up and put him in his pocket and then give them out to my little fucking geeky friends at the bar. And then they expect it from me every Friday. Yeah. Tell them, relax.

wait for the fucking dude. Well, the dude caught on, and I went in there one night there was no volume, but he had these other pills, and they looked like quailudes. So I took all these quailudes out, people like, what did you get?

And I go, I don't know what they are, but they look like baby quailutes. Take them at your discretion. Everybody was fienden, so they go, let's go, give it. I even took one. That was the biggest mistake of my life. I went down on a Saturday night,

and I didn't wake up until Wednesday. As a matter of fact, when I woke up, I was broke, and God rest of it. So, you know who fed me? Mr. O'Charty, because I lived with Fernie, and I walked right to the fucking, right there. And I would put, I would go in there with no money planning.

I would put the tab on the arm and go, Mr. O'Chartney. I have no money, but I'll be back by the time you close the fall with the money. And from there, I'd go rob somebody. Because I knew I had to give Mr. Charley his money, because if I fucked up, I wasn't eating breakfast on the arm. Yeah, that's it. It's not bad enough you wake up, bro. But to wake up,

at least have a breakfast, and then I can figure out what the day's gonna look like. Yeah. What the fuck kind of pill to give it? What was the pill? You slept for two days. Epileptic pills.

I didn't know. Listen to me. When I woke up, I was living with Fernie Bossa Sudo, rest his, we had those old answering services. Beep, beep, the red light. The red light was going off.

And I looked at him, beep. Coco, you fucking suck. What was that pill you gave me? Call me back. Beep. Coco, what the fuck? I haven't stopped shitting for like four days.

Boop. Coco, call me back. Coco, you got any more of those pills? Yeah. They were tremendous. I mean, I'm like, so what happened? And I knew I went to bed on a Sunday, Saturday night, and I got up at Sunday morning.

I couldn't even walk to the bathroom. I was crawling. I had vertigo fast. I just shit myself. and wiped myself and went right back to bed. Woke up Monday. Same thing. I began vertigo, puke.

Woke up on Tuesday. Got up, washed my ass, took a shower, went to see the diner on the corner. He fed me. And fucking, I had, there's two kids that still hate me from that occasion. Every time they're around me, like, no, no, no, no, nothing for me. Last time I took something for me, I went down. I love it.

Fuck, go funny. But always good to fucking see you. Thank you, my brother. You feel at home. Stop thanking me. Yeah. I love you to fucking that. I like to say thank you.

What are you trying to get rid of this? Yeah, I'm coming home with you. All right. We're not doing. This guy's on my back. You need me, brother. If you need me for something, let me know. 24-7.

Definitely want to go to grand opening or try my hardest. Yeah, I'll give me a couple weeks I have to be. Please, please. I'd love to go down there. Oh, you got to bring him. That's Michael Eugene. Yeah, we'll bring everybody. Yeah.

They'll go crazy down there. Lee, I can't believe you've been sitting there. I've been watching you're staring at that last calzone for the last 10 minutes. I put my thumb in it before the recording just a moment. I'm telling you. Look at that glass cowlestone. It's calling your name. Oh, yeah.

I can see that little piece of sweat beating on your head. It's 20 degrees in here, but I'm still sweating. My feet are freezing. Listen. Yeah. The Church New Testament to you, to Mr. Merlino, to my man Snuff, Lee Syatt, the whole fucking crew here, George. fucking Dr. Evil, Nikki Nicky Nick.

Merry Christmas to you and your families. Happy New Year, you know, we're going to come back fucking even stronger. Like when you get herpes the first time and you get rid of it, the next time you get it, it's fucking the real deal. You show up like the exorcism. Wow. Speak to me off.

It's fucking nuts. Anyway, I love you guys. Merry Christmas. 2025 is everybody's year. Stay black. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. God bless.

Happy, honey. It's Tuesday, December the 24th. The Church New Testament is brought to you by my favorite Blue Chew. Listen, you want to sling some Big Dick McGick in 2025? Then you need Blue Chew. Joey, what do you talk? Blue Chew is an online service that gives you the same active ingredients that you'll find in Viagra, C. Alice and Lovietra. But for a whole lot cheaper and chewable, and it tastes good, too.

Blue chew tablets are made right here in the USA. You're not going to get none of that international mumbo-jumbo and test positive for, you know, and they ship them right to your door in a discreet package. Nobody knows nothing. Not even the mailman. Nobody has to know what you ordered unless you want them to. So keep your mouth shut. Uncle Joey's telling you how it is, okay?

I'm a little older, and Bluetooth comes in handy from time. the time and it gets the party started quickly. Just don't be drinking booze and mixing because then it backfires and then things happen. Just don't do that. Get at it like a boss this new year, 2025 and get yourself some Blue Chew, Jack. Listen, Blue Chew wants you to have confidence. That's the most important thing, right? They want confidence to see you and be for you to perform at your best.

So discover your options at Bluetooth. And we got a special deal for you to get the New Year party started right. This is for the New Testament listeners, all right, the family. Try Blue Chew for free. Can you believe this? For free, just pay $5 for shipping a checkout when you visit bluechew.com. That's bluechew.com to receive your first month free. Visit blotchew.com for more details and important safety information.

and thanks to Blue Chew for sponsoring the show. Merry Christmas.