What's up pigeon breath?
00:00What's up, buddy?What's up there, pigeon breath?Everything all right?I missed you, too.God damn it.Oh, motherfucker.And people talk to me on the road nowin your voice, by the way.
00:14And it just, it sucksbecause everything you say in my voice is funny.Anything anyone says is funny.Good to know.But it's fucking annoying.How many edible jete tonight?Don't come in here with one fucking gun.Who came in here with one gun?
00:29You better eat 200.tonight because as of next weekyou're in training, keep popping them.Don't worry about nothing. Keep popping.No, I'm not, why would I be worried? I'm just going to fucking live onthis balcony.That's perfect. You don't want to walk down those stairsanyway. I don't know how I'm going to walk down the stairs on those
00:46fucking mushrooms. I don't know how you're going to walk up those fucking stairs.Yeah, that's the way. You're right. That's the most importantquestion. Who's going to have a subletapartment somewhere just so you have to walkupstairs? You can have like a little roomor a little Jew house somewhere.fucking the basement.That's it.
01:04As you look up and you're like,you know what?Not today.Tomorrow,but not today.I'm no fucking.Walkstairs.I'm never in the mood to go upstairs.
01:18I had to bring my suitcase up yesterday.And I just looked at it.Bringing the suitcase up,that's the worst part.And I look like,I sound like an asshole because I'm huffing and puffing.And I love.look like an asshole.
01:31I'm just lugging this huge fucking suitcase.I tell you, you got to get like a little fuckingsomething in the backyard that you could fucking throw uplike a rope.Today I went to the pharmacy, right?The pharmacy's closed from 1.30 to 2 for lunch.They take lunch.The pharmacist is not CVS.
01:52Of course they do.Look at how pissed you are, but why can't they take a lunch?They're working.The people are dying.They got to give up.Ask the questionBut I get that, right?I get there like a 158.
02:05I pull up through the window.I got music glass and I lower itand I'm waiting for the window to open.You know, it's like an electronic window.Also, I see a lady fucking pushing a ropeand I'm like, Lee's looking for you.You know what I'm saying?To lift me a little grade up and down?
02:22Yeah, like she was pulling.In CVS, you got to get a dumb waiter.What the fuck?Don't have a box to press this CBS?like fucking, how do they get in at night?You can't just have that gateat the window.They might, maybe,
02:36but maybe they just have someonewho lives back there and just lifts up the thing.Could you imagine being lifted to your apartment?That'd be amazing.Doug, I'm telling you, right now,you should invest in a fucking, what's that company?The sling rope?What's that company you took down in California?
02:52The zip line?I did not take down a zip line, by the way.It's still there.They changed names.They had a little accident,but everyone's still there.I didn't take anything.God damn.
03:02God damn it.I'm going to be 80 years old and tell him to be like,what about the zip line?How about a little Puerto Rican zip line up there?You get yourself, listen, those migrantswill fucking do anything for the small $5.Oh, yeah.You know, listen, it's $15 an hour, right?
03:20In theory.Yeah, in theory.So if he comes over and just pulls you up,it takes like four minutes.You give him the small 10.you know what I'm saying?Have you heard of like a task rabbit?Do you know what that is?
03:34Where like you can hire someone to come to your houseto do whatever you want?No.No, you,I had them build some furniture.You,you haven't,you would never do something like this?
03:43No,I'm not that,I don't have that type of moneyto have people come over the house and build shitand you just sit there with a cigarette,telling them,hey, watch the furniture,you know.
03:52I ain't that rich,though.It costs like $30 to have somethingput together.Question.Who do you think takes that job for $30?People who need it.I don't know.
04:03They were very nice when they came over.Sure, they're nice.They need the $30.You know what I'm saying?$30 is $30.And they're probably hitting them up.They only get like $20.It takes an hour, right, when they came over?
04:16Some of it took a little bit longer.I had some guy built some outdoor stuff.I had some guy built a TV stand.It's not, but I was like, I wonder if I could hire someone to just have like a standingappointment to just bring.me up the stairs.Like, Carrie, oh, listen, in New York,you'll find whatever your fucking desire is.
04:33You understand?Oh, I can't even imagine.You get yourself a little old chickwith those Nancy Pelosi tithes to fuckinggo up the stairs and you squeeze a little wooden titieswhile you go up the stairs.Everybody wins.You know what I'm saying?
04:48It's a win-win situation for everybody.Why would I want to squeeze 90-year-old titty?Because they're ancient and they're hard.Like, the way they should.Yeah, you're not really selling it at all.They're old and they're hard.I like Nancy Pelosi's titties.I would squeeze them if I saw.
05:04She's got some banging titties.Never forget that shit.My face is all fucked up,but when she dies,those tinnies ain't going to move in the casket.Oh, she's Jewish, right?No.I don't think Jews are allowed to get fake titties.
05:18I don't know.Listen, at that point, they do what they want.You know, once you're a congressman or whatever fucks you,she's you do what you want.Listen, the Jews are, I'm over here.but if they cremated, those stitches won't burn.They'll be at the other side looking like two burnt coconuts and shit.With three little eyes, you know how coconuts got those three little eyes and shit?
05:38What do you mean eyes?Yeah, when you see, look at a coconut, they always have like an indentation of eyes and fucking, you know, whatever.Listen, I took a tropical class when I was in college.Don't worry.Don't ask the questions.I apologize to park.How was Boston last week with the YouTube sensation?Boston was an interesting week.
05:58It was a great week.I think Jim Florentine did great.I opened up for him on Thursday.And the person who I opened up for all week was a great guy,very nice, very funny.But it was interesting because every once in a while,someone will come up to me at a show,be like, oh, it's my first comedy show,
06:17which I don't, to me, that's crazythat you're 30 years old and never been to a comedy show.But this, for a lot of the, like, his audience was like their first comedy show.So it was interestingAnd it was allIt was a cool weekBecause I started in BostonLike in like front of like young people in Boston
06:35And then the rest of the weekWas in Springfield MassachusettsIn like you knowTwo hours west of BostonThere's nothing there but a casino and like drugsWhat people?YeahThe only people
06:48The only cool thing there is the basketball hall of fameLike that I could see you if you were ever in that areaYeah I know it's great I've been there beforeI haven't, I think, I've been to Cooper's field, but I didn't go to Springfield.15 fucking years ago.Oh, yeah?Yeah.Was it any good?
07:05No.The whole chain went down to fucking drain and the guy bought it.There was two clubs when he took it over and there were powerful clubs in Jersey.And then he bought, bought him and he added two clubs.And it just went under.What a shame.But it was fun.I got to be, I got to hang out at the casino all weekend, which was a good.
07:26good time.And it just felt like the last time I was at this club, I didn't do well because it's like a huge,it's in like a castle almost.So like the, the, it's like super echoey and it just took some getting used to.But it was fun.Actually, I was wondering, like I had an experience a couple of weeks ago where like I wasopening for somebody and that person also brought an opener and that opener like, I don'tnecessarily know if he was trying to get in.
07:56my head or not, but he was like, oh, yeah, I don't know if you need to come tomorrow.Like, maybe, maybe you can host.And I'm like, the club booked me.And, like, it kind of pumped, like, and I destroyed him the next night.Yeah, of course.That's what you do.Out of respect.You fucking laying on them.
08:13Oh, I love it.You're a freaking motherfucker?Okay.You're sure.I saw you last night.You're sure.Yeah, well, fucking Oikidoch broke me with him.Okay.
08:22And just, when they get out of state, they don't even know what that is.Right.Because they've never worked at it.They think it's just going up there with the water cooler with your fucking buddies and talk to it.I have people come up to me and go, yeah, I can talk shit for 30 minutes.All right.Do it.Anybody can go up and talk ship for 30 minutes, but to know what they're doing is a complete different situation.
08:46You know?It's only because 20 years ago, this shit started with reality TV.Mm-hmm.And people started getting around and every once in a while.the improvs would book him there was this one guy that wasn't the funniest guy in the world in fact he wasout of comedy he was selling real estate in southern california his big joke was he would come outwith his pants on fire and go it's hot in here or something they would throw war no yeah nice guyhell of a nice guy hell of a nice guy i'm not saying anything bad about anybody but what i'm saying
09:23is this is what happens.The guy picked up heat.They gave him a coupleSouthern California showsand he sold out. It was like amarriage thing.He was like a bachelorette dude, but in reallife, he was a very good comic.
09:36He was a regular at the improv.He was just old and he decided to gothrough real estate.So they put him on the road.Oh, no.Put him at every improv on Thursday nights.Like he just went, you know, fromTempe to whatever.
09:53Let me tell you something.There was a comic name Robert Schimmel.I've heard of him.Robert Schimel was a funny motherfucker.Great guy.He was on the young comedian special with Rodney,with that All-Star, the one I like a lot.I mean, you have to be really good to be on that one.
10:11And he was like, okay.So he was out like for the clubs that that dude was coming in on Thursday.So what the club did was they took the third.Thursday from Schimel and had it a Sunday.For Schimel and he would have to move to Sunday.Right. Schimel didn't like that.He didn't say a word. He just canceledthose weeks at midnight
10:36the day before the Fridayand they would lose their fuckingminds. The one weekend I gotthe headline because I was therealready, but that's how crazy he was.He canceled them. They would come intothe club at 8 o'clock, there'd be a faxfrom rubbish.
10:57I don't feel good.Do you remember when you were able tomake that shift? I don't know, it might be differentfor you, but like when you went to, gotto make that shift from like almostdoing whatever the clubs wantto like now you get to kind ofcall the shocks a little bit, that must be
11:12cool. Well, listen, Lee,if you know anything about me.Right.I didn't give a fuck.I didn't give a fuck.Like, I was a loyal soldier when I was in Boulder.I was very good on the triple runs.And then I moved to Seattle.
11:33And I realized that, like, everything else in life,there's a lot of people who think they know what they're talking about.And they think they're geniuses.And, you know, like, there was a couple people.Like, I booked a couple.When I lived in Seattle, it was when I really had a hard time on the road.Those 18 months, when I, when I, when I, when I,took a plane somewhere. It was a nightmare for me. It was always a nightmare. I went to West Palm Beach
12:01one time, but they put me in, Davy had a club with a Miami Dolphins practice. So it was in Davy,Florida, and then they had a club in Fort Lauderdale and on West Palm Beach. I still remembergetting like letters from them hate mail. And then years later, they booked me in a differentclub when they all joined benches.The memorable club to me that I did one weekend and caused havoc,and I even told her to send me home, like,I didn't like her at all.I didn't like her at all.
12:35And what did she do?What did she do you didn't like?First off, they made it very difficult to work there.Like, she was part of this, like, women crew that was running comedy,and they knew everything about comedy.And, you know, they disappeared.them bitches.I don't know what the fuck happened to them.
12:56They disappeared.There was a couple of them that were just acting not goodly.The lady in Florida, the lady in Cleveland, that woman.There was like six or seven women that were just fucking rude.That's the worst.And it's not even just, I'm sure you ran into guys who are assholes too.No, these were even worse.There was a little click, man.
13:19I remember one time I booked a fucking Penzo commercial.three days on a Penzo commercial.And I called this lady three days before and said, Sarah,I had Buffalo and Miami and something else.And I called up and I go, Sarah, I got a problem.Can I come in on Thursday?Because I booked a National Penzo commercial.First thing she did was hung up on me.
13:44Immediately?Yeah.Then the next morning, she called me.And she's like, are you sure you want to cancel over a?stupid commercial and I'm like yeah I have to have no choice she goes well you just lost this weeka week in Miami and a week in Cleveland I didn't say nothing I just she just hung up the phonethen the lady in Idaho boys I forget what her name was but everybody was like oh my god you knowshe was one of those chicks with the glasses and the tattoo already and you know and I still remember
14:17who the headliner was I even had a beef with him that week but we apologize it was greatI'm not going to mention any names.But it was just a week from hell.Like she came up to me and told me rules.At that time, I was doing comedy like seven years,and I'm like, you know what, I don't like these fucking rules.In those days, I didn't mind work on Sundaysbecause I didn't have a house anyway.
14:40Right.You were just in your hotel, so I didn't mind.Once I moved to Los Angeles and got settledand did about 20 of those Sundays,was one day I go, why are we here?especially during football season.Why are we here to see 70 fucking people?You gave away every ticket.
14:58I don't understand why we're here.And I made up my mind in Dallas.That's the last time I worked a Sunday.I'm like you.I'll work a Sunday in Jersey because I live here now,but I ain't working on the fucking on the road.You know what I'm saying?But anyway, who gives a fuck about all that?
15:19It's the 22nd.What is it?23rd of the month or something?20 fucking second.A week away from boo-hoo-hoo.The year's over.Yeah, yeah.All right, let's get this party started
15:32on a beautiful fucking Tuesday morning.The check-in is brought to you by MintMobile.Listen, your cell phone billshouldn't be a luxury expense, all right?Mint Mobile has awesome servicefor just $15 a month.That's right. $15 a month.$15.
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17:05speed slower than 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan.Additional taxes, fees, and restrictions.For your lives, it's over.They didn't put you on this planet just to give up.If Uncle Joey could do it, I can rule the world.That's what you got to be thinking.Welcome back to church.I haven't been eating mushrooms, so I ate it.
17:44My friend gave me a chocolate bar.It was as stale as a motherfucker.I ate it, though, before.I took me 20 minutes.I had had shnapple and water to it.What do you mean you haven't been eating mushrooms?I feel, what did that mean to you?Physical mushrooms.
17:58No.I know that, but in what?Two days?I've been planning these things.I haven't touched them.I'm on a sabbatical to you get back,to I can kill you one night.Why is that the goal to kill someone with drugs?
18:13No, because what else I got going on?I got nothing going on.I must have fucking.I got shit going on.I don't want to get killed with.He calls me up.Like, dude, you have the craziest retirement, quote unquote, retirement ever.Because you call me up and you, like, we're taking me through, like, the test you're
18:31running on these mushrooms.You're, like, making your own things out.Like, you're sprinkling stuff on them.Who does this with mushrooms?I'm growing them in the closet.I got the system down.I'm going to fucking get them.No, I got none of that.
18:46But I couldn't grow a fucking nothing.No?No, I don't know how to grow.Well, not like a farm, but I thought, I don't know.I thought you had not necessarily grow, but like, you know how you want experiments on flies?I think we're running experiments on.You and I taught you.You're right.
19:02And the next morning, I forget.I forgot all about that conversation with the mushrooms and stuff.How do you forget about it?That's all I've been thinking about.Because you just say these things.I say these things.I'm improvising as I go because I can feel your emotions break down on the phone.Yeah.
19:18You said they had flavors this time.I didn't want, well, none of it's real.No, I got the flavor.I feel like I'm in Shutter Island now.I got a cheeseburger flavoring mushroom for you.It's all over.You're going to be loving these.I got a pickle flavor.
19:34I got a locks flavor for you.Anything you like, I got a flavor for.Don't worry about nothing.I got you covered.What about the texture?When things get heavy, we pick you up.We take it to a little place in the Seacorp.You're not picking me up.
19:45Who's picking me up?They give you a view of the Meadowlands, nice.Dude, you go places and don't go in if there's stairs.How do you pick?There's no way you're picking me up if I'm on the floor.Listen, not picking you up.I'm picking you up in the city.I'm going to drive you to this place in Seek Office.
20:04They hold you.They put a white jacket on you.You go on there.for a week or two. You lookout the window, you sing little retarded songslike Vito from the godfatherGodfather too. When he was looking out the window,he was just sitting like a fucking, you know,
20:21anyway. And that's what these are going to fucking, Jesus Christ.Listen, in continuation, some motherfuckersent me three bags of those bubble fucking things.What are bubble things?Like more of the edibles?The fucking...the bubble gum, the blow pops.I think the bubble.
20:43Oh, yeah, you hit it out.Through me fucking three bags.I get home Saturday.I'm like, what is that bag on the steps?I open it up.It's three bubble bag.I gave two of them for my daughter for the sockwall weekend.I kept the other one.
20:56I only swallowed like two balls.It was a purple one.I wanted to test it and see what happens.What do you mean?What's going to happen?I don't know.Maybe eat a purple one and swallow it.You never know.
21:14Jesus, gentlemen.If you go to the hospital, they see a purple bubble.They're like, what the fuck is going on here?I'd love to see what a doctor would say.Has the doctor said anything fucked up to you?No.Nothing, like, nothing with, like, your weed amount or anything.They get me out of as soon as possible when I start talking to them about.
21:39Once they start talking about fungi toenails and stuff,I do bonkers a seven of the morning.They don't want to hear that shit.Does not want to hear that.He's cool as a motherfucker,but he don't want to hear that.My heart doctor is about 60.He's fucking big.
21:56He's strong.He's Jewish.He's probably on his way over the fucking Iran.I ran by himself in a parachute right now.That dude is a no-nonsense motherfucker.They're just going to blow him out of a parachute.Boom.He's going to shoot people and then be a heart doctor.
22:11To the Israelis or whatever.I don't know.Can you imagine if you saw your doctor on CNN or something?Oh, my God.What would you do if you saw him with like a gun?I love it. It'd be better if he got shot in the leg so I can see that.You know, so I can tell him, hey, you're a soldier, you know what I'm saying?You got a shot the leg and you fucking ran away with your little stump and never bothered nobody.
22:33You know what I'm talking about?That was pretty crazy because you called me last week when that guy with the drone.Like you could just see the whole thing like the drone.He just throwing shit at the drone.It's insane.It's insane this shit they got.That motherfucker, they got a drone.you light your cigarette and the drone lights are for you as they blow you up fucking tremendous
22:53you can't you know you can't write this shit and speaking of like the news dude what do you havedo you know at all what's going on in cuba right now yeah they got no electricity fuck them i told them10 years ago to get out of there you know what they're going to do they're going to sit thereand keep waiting for pamphlets enough is enough god ain't coming back and he sure ain't going therewhat's he going to do what are you going to do you're sitting there there there's notNo cows. There's no dirt.There's fucking nothing.They can't, they can't.
23:22They're smoking half cigars.And they're just waiting.My cousin, you know, I checked in with them.Ari's supposed to be going.But I told Carrie, you better bring candles with you in a fuckingcreepy vampire.You know what I'm saying?I can't even imagine.
23:38Are they allowed to come here now?Or like, did we close that again?I have no idea, Leah.You know, listen.Those people, I respect.them. It's so weirdwhat I respect from people.Like today I went to the gym. I'm on antibiotics.
23:55I was sucking wind in the gym this morning.Just riding the bike and stretching.I was sucking fucking wind.And I'm feeling bad about myself.And I walk out. And as I walk out,Sondra was walking in, getting out of an Uber.That's a 91-year-old that works out of my gym.She was getting out of an Uber.
24:15And I just waved it. I go, Sandra, you bad motherfucker?She fell on her face because she lost her stepping and she looked like Phantom of the Opera for two weeks.She had bruises all three and she kept showing up at the fucking gym guys.That blows me apart.Like from there I went to boxing and then I really almost died this morning because of the antibiotics.But it's so weird.You really have to put this into perspective.We have a hard time driving an hour and a half someplace, right?
24:47Yeah, absolutely.And when I say an hour and a half,I'm measuring 90 miles.Even if you have a peg leg,you could do a mile an hour,60 miles an hour.Right.This is always fucking baffled me.
25:08What possesses people to put two belongingson a raft with another familyand some guy down the cornerto do 90 miles to change their lives.But meanwhile,we have people that won't do a fucking thing to change their lives.If you think these people get on a boat for fame and fortune, no.They're just getting on a boat to live like normal human beings.
25:36To have the wants that everybody in the world has.You think about that.That fucking always has fucked me up.That has always said to me, number one,where I come from, those people are tough.And number two, just that.because listenfor everyone that makes it
25:55three boats go downthose are sharp and festive watersit's a nightmare when they turn the lights offit is pretty crazy to think that they're willingto do that just to get hereyou don't know what fear isand again I've never been therebut I just imagine it
26:15you don't know what fear is to you're in the oceanat nightyou have a look at the beach at nightgo what the fuck is out there and the waves are coming in and every once in a while you thinkyou see nothing but it's your mind playing tricks on me but and they have everything in theirwhole life like their whole life is with them on a raft not really because how much can you bringwith you on the raft that's my whole point exactly like they don't have water they bring watera change of underwear tuna in a can crackers there's there's
26:51no protection against the sun. So if you're out there in the daytime, that's wide open all day.You get blisters. You burn out there. So think about what some people do for their freedoms.But we got these Jamokes here that allergic to peanuts and, you know, go to Cuba and give outpeanuts and see how many people are going to go, nah, we're allergic. I break out into highs.That's rich people fucking diseases. You know what I'm saying? Like it puts everything into perspective.What? Listen, these immigrants.that walked up from whatever fucking country they did.Listen, yeah, we got a lot of riffraff coming in
27:28and gangs and terrorists.But think of the people who woke up one dayand said, I'm going there, man.I'm going to go there first.Without my wife and kid, I'm going to go over that,pitch your fucking flag, and then come back and get them.And it takes a long time sometimes.It takes like 10, 20 years.
27:48No.I mean, you know, if you come back here and sell Coke, yeah.but if you come back here and get a job as a landscaper and then move up the fuck today i sawfour mexican guys pushing a fucking ford the car just blew up and they were on like fuckingroad pushing it and i giggled for 10 seconds and i like said can you imagine lee like that was our carthe family car and we had to use it to go to work and now it's done they had the hood openthey had the fucking extinguishes something blew up they were pushing it they didn't even haveenough the fat mexican cousin got out that motherfucker didn't
28:21hasn't worked in years. He's likethe driver and he was, you know, it'swhen you see these things, it goes, what the fuckam I thinking? And what the fuckthe people around me thinking?Oh, and it's not even just like people who aren'tlike coming from other places. Like I think about it a lot, likeI don't have a fancy car. I have a Hyundai.
28:45But likewhen I needed a new car, I justThat's why you can afford people to come over the house and build things.I'm surprised you don't hire people to make you like models.Come on over.I wish.A puzzle for me.You know what I'm saying?
28:59I can do that.Yeah, that's pretty badass.Just like a real power trip.But I like just like to be able to get a car when you need one or like, there's a lot of people who like, what if your car breaks?You're fuck.You just don't have a car now.I've been lucky to not be in that situation.You know, right now what are people don't know.
29:17And I don't do this podcast to scare people, but I see this happening now.People.are getting their house sold from under them.You know, it's the end of a generation.My mother's old.She lives in California.She doesn't want to.So you're leaving this house paying like a normal rent.
29:38And now you're going on to the world.And I know two people right now that are fucking worried.Like, they're like, I don't know if I got afford an apartment.One guy, my brother, and I'm really worried about him.And I told him, I'll do whatever I.I can to help him, you know, but it's what's going to start happening.I never even thought of this.This guy set on a budget.
30:04He's been living six years, you know, he has a budget.He's settled in.If he has to go up six or seven hundred a month, that's not good.That's not good.The American will never retire at 65.The American will always have a part-time job to their fucking 90, you know, becausehow can we you're not going to live on source security but none of these people who listen to thisfucking show care about source security they're like me fuck it when god calls i'll be ready you know what
30:35i'm saying but i think they get it they totally get it from like the housing perspectiveyeah i'm just it sucks it's getting rough and rougher you know what i tell you on the churchfive years ago i told you a lot of stupid things on that bitch but one thing i would always tellpeople and look at them.And people used to fucking laugh at me.I remember people going like, go, fuck yourself.You don't know what you're talking about.Remember I used to go, if you're living with your mother, stay there.
31:06Yeah.It was great.Do you remember I told you, like a year before the pandemic?I'm like, dog, if you're living at home, I know you don't like it.I can't imagine having to fuck with a fucking muzzle on or having to eat ass and listen to your mom and whoever else lives in the house.You got to take their ear beatings.I don't like that either.But stay in home because it's going to get wild.
31:31And look, I didn't know anything like this.I was just fucking around.But until this day, I believe it.You know, when people come to this country, like the Chinese, for example,I've always studied the Chinese.When I was in the 70s, sure, not there books and shit.Yeah, I know about the Ming Dynasty.But when I was a kid, I used to watch it.
31:51I used to go to a Chinese restaurant in New York.And I used to go to a Chinese restaurant in Jersey, the New Moon Chinese restaurant.Okay.They all spoke to each other like they were family.I didn't know what they were saying.But at both of those restaurants, they were always kids.If you went there at 8.30, the kids were there doing homework.The one boy was falling asleep at the table.
32:17They closed at 9.That means they didn't have a babysit.That means they were to work with their parents.and I went to a restaurant in New Yorkwhere it was the same thing and the one in Jersey.They all lived togetherand they grew together.When they got money,
32:31they all bought something together.And then they busted out when they made a little bit of moneyand that's what the family is all about,I guess.I never had a family like that.But that's why I said it's time to move back in with momand see what we can fucking do in this house.Oh, I was in that exact scenario.
32:49I left immediately after a graduate in college.I was home for, I think, three days.And I drove right to L.A.And then when we left L.A.and I went back to my mom.At first, I was like, I don't know how to feel about this.I felt a little bit bad about myself.I was like, you know, it'll just be for COVID.
33:06And then it was, it'll be four years.It would have been four years this month.And it was great.It was great to spend time with her.Save money, whatever.She gave you a bedroom, a basement.It didn't matter.You know, it was just, it's not the home you grew up in, correct?
33:21No.No.so it didn't fucking matter.But you're still home.And, you know,things are getting fucking pride.I go get shit from timeto time, and I just walk out and shake my head.
33:36Like a sandwich is $15 now.Like Subway should be making a fucking killing now.They probably, but everythingfor them is more expensive too.Yeah, but it's not like a fucking footerfor $5.99. You know, compare, I go get a sandwich of a soda and it's 20 fucking bucks. Lee, 18, 19. Listen, I don't raise my hand. It is what it is. That's a lot of dough. Lee, I can't imagine being somebody that makes 90,000 a year that lives in Jersey or works in New York, one of those scenarios and how they're going to eat lunch every day. It's $200 for lunch. It's $150.150 minimum if you go out that and I'm just saying $30.
34:2822, you know, it's not $11 for lunch no more.So I'm seeing it now, I'm going, ooh, when I go get gas now, it's like, ooh, I got my truck back.So every time I can gas, I got tears in my eyes, you know, I take a ride to New York to Guttenberg or fucking North Bergen or fucking the dojo.I come back the next day I'm like,woo, that was reallast night. That tank ison fucking pre-quarters, man.And especially the way you drive.
35:00But that's why I'm having so muchfun, I think, doing stand-up.The people who are thereI've noticed seem to bea lot happier. Like, have you noticeda difference now that you've been back a little bit?And like the audiences, do they feel the same?Do they feel different at all?
35:19I'm old school.I want the audience to come in there a little bit,disheveled,slow them down a little bit,you know?And then it takes like maybe seven or eight minutesto let yourself go from what's really going on.And really, you know, you've ever been there, like in thought?
35:37And you're like, what am I going to do about my fucking uncle?He's a fucking idiot.And the whole drive there, you're thinking about this idiot.And then you get there.And maybe like four minutes in, you're getting entertained.And you go, my fuck, and you go, you know what?I'm just here to laughbut what have I noticed?
35:57Yeah, crowds are enthusiasticThey're happier to see youBecause their world needs more comedyYou could see it when you're up on stageYou know, like it's just the world needs more comedyAnything to throw them off the normal edgeI need comedy sometimesYou know
36:16And I'm a fucking, you knowI need somebody to say something to mefor me to fucking giggle from time to timeto see if these mushrooms are real.And, like, have youat, like, whatever you are, 30 yearsin, if you have a good set,do you get off and are, like, do you feel
36:33pumped up now? Like, is your, like, adrenaline going,or is it, like, more normal to you now?I put my career nowand my life into perspective the lastfour years. When I do comedy,for me, it's always a win now.And the consumer's going to feel that.I'm not looking for fame.
36:51Right.I'm not looking for fortune.I'm an older man, and I just want to get out of the fucking house.Make people laugh.That's it.And I still think the crazy shit.I write up down.I look at it three days later, and I fucking giggle.
37:11So why not?Why am I going to stay here?Again, I'm not doing this Thursday, Friday, Saturday.I know I don't have that.So I'm going to give the people, I'm working with.what I have.A couple of years ago, when I joined Jiu-Jitsu,I go, you know what, I'm not going to go to Jiu-Jitsu no more
37:30because my knee, I'm fat, I'm old,and then I remember John Jock Machado.Okay.He's got a hand that he was born with a birth defect.He's got like three fingers missing.He has gotten a coral belt in Jiu-Jitsu,not because he gave up,but because he fucking worked with what he had.
37:51This doesn't work for me. I'm going to use it to my advantage.and work with it.Right now, like I said to you, Lee,if I had to do a week on stage,I think after three nights,the audience would feel it.I'm tired.I'm tired.
38:06You know, a late show.I think I'm saying no to late shows.Listen, let's do my show.If you get it and you get it,if not, I ain't going nowhere.It's not like I'm going to fucking Connecticutor going to Pittsburgh.For the next year, I'm going to be centralized.
38:20Just trying to, you know, add a coupleclubs to the resume whether I need them or not I still need to this week I have plans to go out a couplenights and that said it's just it's a no lose situation for me it's kind of like I put myself back in1994 back in 1993 I had gone through I would have been separated for two years I'd gone throughall the mental language I spent time in New York I waited online I fucking signed up in an open micI had to wait three hours.I had to live with George.I didn't have any money.
38:58Okay.You shut the fucking noise offand you justhave fun.You don't have the rent money?What can I tell you?You don't have gas money?Call your friend to drive you.
39:13These are the realities, but you can'tnot let them stop you.Do you know what I'm saying?Yeah, and it'scool.So what you're basically saying is thatyou know you're notthe only reason you're doing this is for comedy
39:28right now like in 94 you were just out thereto do comedy beforeI was to get a special to workthis clubfor this booker to like me there was alwaysa thing this isa laborer loveI'm bringing some guys with me
39:43instead of bringing up two guysI'll bring up three guys to give some guylove to understand what thefuck you know was going onhe's never done a theateror he's never done a big venue or something,you know, this is how you maneuver.You know, so for me,
40:03listen, if I didn't have mercy and I didn't have my wife,and I'd have to get up at 6 in the fucking morning,God knows what I'd be doing right now.I told my wife the other day at breakfast.We were eating upstairs.They go, can you imagine all life right now without mercy?We'd be hating each other.What did she even say?
40:22Oh, yeah, I think so.We have no balance with her.She gives us a little bit of a fucking balance.And it keeps me afloat.If not, I just live on the road.That's what guys do.You know, once you get fucking old and you had your career and you had the sitcom, just go on the road.You know, you lost your wife.
40:43The kids hate you.What are you going to do?Stay at home and fucking, you know.But you don't want, man, I wanted to add some action to my life.The last four years, it's just been a little quiet.But I've been thinking.And then when I was, I started watching.And I'm like, what are these fucking people doing?
41:03I think it's time from Uncle Joey to come back and just, like I said, I don't care if you cancel me.I don't care.I'm not going to tell you to leave your phone, put your phone in the bag because I don't want that new joke on YouTube.It's just power.I can't wait for people to go, I'm not putting my phone in bag.Fuck you.Fuck you.You guys are just doing this to,
41:27have controls or hold of my material and the artistic.Go fuck yourself.Go fuck yourself.Go fuck yourself.Knock it the fuck off. You're not that fucking important, okay?You know.Do you know those?No, I don't believe in it.
41:43It's got to stop. It's just a power thing.It's something to let you know.You have to put the phones away. What's the reasoning?You can't get a phone call? No, because you can't tape my set.Well, I didn't know what you were saying.and beats Jesus.So go fuck you.You know what I'm saying?
42:03Whenever you come down, tell me that Jesus gave you a message,then I'll put my fucking phone away.Until that, you hear the rhetoric and bullshit in your famous mind,go fuck you so.I'm not putting my phone a bag.Fuck you.Fuck you.It is kind of weird.
42:21These morons pay for it.I put my phone a bag.What are you fucking crazy?I'll break this fucking phone over yet.I got people.I got drug dealers calling me.What do you think?Well, you're trying to tell me, is that fucking important?
42:37So you're telling me important and everything.Oh, we don't, they play it.Like, we don't want you to get fucking bothered.Shut the fuck up.Shut the fuck up.You know, then they started with, well, the act.I don't want my joke on YouTube.Knock it off.
42:57Enough.Enough. It's just you're trying to be better.It's just you fucking imposingcommunism. This is stand-up comedy. What you're sayingain't God's word. I don't know what the fuck you're talkingabout. So knock it the fuck off your bag.Do you get upset when people record you, though?Yeah, but there's door guys.
43:20Right. There's door guys.Especially places you play. Some of the places that I play don't havethose.there's dog guysand they know the fucking dealthat's why I don't play at Joe Schmo's placerightbecause they don't employ you go to Gotham
43:38trying to take your camerayou knowgo to places and they'll tell youlisten put the camera away well I got myright go outside and take the trafficthen but you're not going to takeyou want to tape go outsidethere's a thousand cars
43:53it's like the Indianapolis fucking speedwayout there in New York CityIt's crazy.Hey, I'm talking to you.This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp.It's scary to face your fears.But life will be even scarier if you don't.Let BetterHelp online therapy help you overcome your fears.
44:13Talk through your struggles with somebody to find solutions to problems.Let me explain something to you.I had some problems.I went to Better Help, and I'm not even kidding you guys.This morning, I went to Ear Doctor,and they put the biggest needle in my armthat I had ever seen before my life,and I saw it.
44:31Now, nine out of ten,I would have ran out of that roomand said, let me go to the bathroom,and I would have gone to my car and gone home.I would have called them and said, good luck.But because I worked at Better Health,because I took care of these needle problems I had,I didn't even feel the needle.
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45:09They gave me exercises to do.Listen, my anxiety is zero now.I have a stress tester on my watch on my wrist.I run medium all day.Hot if Lee tells me some story.You know what I'm saying?Then I get hot.But besides that, listen, take off the mask with BetterHelp.
45:28Visit betterhelp.com slash Diaz, D-I-A-Z.Today, to get 10% off your first month, listen, you're going into the holidays.A lot of feelings come up.This is the time of the year.No shame.Contact BetterHelp.com and pushing Diaz, and what are you going to get?You're going to get your first month, 10% off.You're going to find a therapist, and you're going to work these things out
45:52Start the new year looking like tip, top, Magoojack, BetterHelp.com slash Diaz, DIAZ.Happy Halloween.Oh, do I got good news for you, savages.Listen, there's no need to stay up late this Saturday night.There's going to be a big afternoon fight at UFC 308 live from Abu Dhabi.Are you kidding me or what?Jumping on all the action with dress.The draft King Sportsbook, the official sports betting part of the UFC.
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47:06You can start drinking margaritas by 6 o'clock.Forget about it.It's all over.Either Topirio wins or the Hawaiian wins.And either way, you go to the restaurant.If the Spanish guy wins, you go get yourself a little steak.If the Hawaiian guy wins, go to one of those.those chucky chucky restaurants and you jump up and down.
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47:45That's code Joey for new customers to get 200 in bonus bets like that.Only on Draft Kings where the crown is yours.Go have a good time.The Yankees start, too, on Friday night.Where are you going to be that?You're going to be thanking me.That's where.And now back to the show.
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48:24Agent eligibility varies by jurisdiction.Void in Ontario.Bonus bets expire 168 hours after issuance.Four additional terms and responsible gaming resources, see dkng.com slash MMA.I have my car here and it sucks right now.It's time for fucking people that go, what the fuck am I paying for?And what the fuck is going on?What the fuck is going on?
48:46Why am I paying for the cheapest price for a Yankee ticket for the World Series?up in the third floor.It's like $1,200.I didn't know fucking Jesus made a comeback.I had no idea.Channel Leonard made a comeback.The family of fourhave to pay $5,000
49:05and sit up in the fucking nosebleedsto see the goddamn World Series.What is crazy?Like all the scalpers, like how that's even legal?Oh, yeah.Oh, they don't know how to control it.They have no idea.They put blocks on the tickets.
49:22You can only buy four tickets.Listen, leave me the fuck alone.Everybody is on something.Everybody knows how these people are making money.A decent American who works hard pays his taxes,you know, pays to park.All of a sudden, I want to take my kids to the World Series,the way my father took me,
49:38the way my grandfather took me.It's impossible.It's two months before holidays.It's going to lay out five Gs.I think a lot of people, unfortunately.A lot of moms are going to be on only five.fans pretty soon showing that monkey so they kick you go to the circus and listen Igot no money but here's my only fans go look at it I got hell of asshole it's tough yeah I just heard that
50:09today I'm in the car and I'm like $1,200 and I'm like you know God bless the American who's got thatright and you buy a ticket buy a ticket for somebody else in your building go and see the firstlittle black kid you see on the street, a Puerto Rican kid with a glove, who's really goingto be something, not your little white kid who gets scared when a ball gets hit to him.You know, that little black kid right there, a little Puerto Rican with the fucking halfa glove on, missing teeth, because he already got hit in the head with a hard ball.That's who goes through the World Series.Fuck, yeah.
50:43What?Did you ever go to a World Series game, or would you go to one?I would go to one, absolutely.But I never had the privilege.the closest I came was to the National LeagueEast finalslike Cincinnati and theMets in 73. That's the closest I ever came.
51:04No world theories, noYeah, that's that division plan. Yeah, that's the closest.But 1,200 tickets too much.You can't justify it, especially not as a,even if you can't afford it. I got to sit up in the nosebleeds.I got to walk up there. They got escalators.COVID's coming back.You know, fuck it.
51:26It's going to be a miserable fucking Halloween,even though two weeks ago,my wife brought home the Halloween candyand the dummy left it out overnight.Did she know you're out already?Huh?Does she know it's all gone?No, I didn't need it at all, but I always tell her,
51:44don't leave that shit out.Yeah.Hide that. She takes that in the other side of the house,and I don't even look for it.because that type of shit about midnight.That's the shit.I found none of the brothers.I went off.
51:58But she only buys four packs.Thank God.Worse I could do is four of them.I got to open up like 22 of those fucking things.You know what I'm saying?No.She buys a combo,Oreo,
52:11chips of hoy, and that.They're not for me.They're for my fucking daughter for her lunches.Right.In theory.But every once in a while,you bump into them in the whole night.Oh, look what we have here.
52:25I bumped into a box of yodles.Jesus up there, because I don't open up that cabinet or not, but when I do, also I got a nice complimentary box, a vodka from the boys.Very cool.From those osos.Poor osos, yeah.What the fuck they are, those, boss, I don't know.Poor.Poor.
52:47Poor alsos.And they sent me a nice jacket, some hooded sweatshirts, a t-shirts, a T-shirts.sure. I haven't tried Devaki.I'm going to make one of those interesting man commercials.I don't do, but when I do,I drink those also.Got like some little fag with playing the organbehind me, with a little hat with a feather.
53:11You know those guys when you go to a jazz bar?They got to let everybody know they play the piano.Listen, relax. Relax. There's a million piano players.Go sit down in some way. Go learn a magic trickor something.And this is all going to be for their commercial?No, yeah.Like, no, I'm not going to hire a piano guy with a little fucking hat.
53:35I don't like those people anyway.No, I was surprised to hear you say that.I can't wait until we get to, bro, I got the office.I'm so excited.Thank you.I have fucking just, uh, when I pulled up, I was like, oh shit.Oh, shit.I can't wait to see it.
53:57You know, and I walked down.and I spoke to her and we got a good recommendation and I gave all the stuff in already you know so I'm just waiting for the fucking go and my fucking nuts are gonna blow up you know what I'm saying like a fucking like one of those sites in fucking Lebanon they're just gonna spew you know like an oldthe overhead visual of the building and then you see a little Jewish missile come in and it just blows nobody knows nothing you don't see noWhy are you blowing now?Why are you nuts about to explode?I was excited about this office for a while.This is four fucking years.We haven't had an office.
54:37We're running like fucking, you know.And we don't have to catch up in two weeks.What do you mean?What do you mean what I mean?We don't have to take all of them at once.Take all the one at once.Everything.Whatever you have planned.
54:53Oh, no, no, no.We're going to slow it down.You're not going to make it to Christmas.You're not going to make it for the holidays.You're tapping your face.Because I'm looking at, I'm going to like,you're going to be all right.I'll wipe your head with the mouth.
55:08The good thing about this, we're close to everything,but we're close to a hospital.Oh, good.In eight minutes to the hospital,we've got a diner next to that.To the hospital or to the office?Listen, don't ask questions, right?Just, we're back in North Bergen, baby.
55:26We got some guests lined up already.we're going to blow theirfucking mindsI got to get the officewe're going to gethigh fiveI'm going to putyou know we got to put like some
55:39effect of what we're thinkingand where we're going with this is just going to be blackbecause when we end this is justlet's put black with a missile coming inbecause we're right on the Hudson babyyou know what I'm sayingwe're on the Hudsonit's over
55:53that's I'm so excitedyou feel like a podcast if you likeyou could sit therethere on the balcony and look upand you'll seethe UFOs all nightlong coming ingoing out
56:06Why don't I see UFOs going in?I'm going to be fucked up and not what I'm going to be watchingUFOs now? Me? I don't give a fuckbut I know I've known they lived out there sincesince I came out of mom's snatchbut what I'm saying is thatfucking you got the world by the balls up there. You don't have toeven go home. You got Cuban food.
56:26You got Cuban women. You go downBergen-Line Avenue.You're going to live what I lived when I getout of that. You're going to go, you know what? I'm not taking nofucking ferry up. Go fuck yourself.Drop me off on 32nd Street.I'm going to walk around a little bit. Go to thoseCeremono. You come over to get that
56:41Cuban steak sandwich maybe15 minutes from the office.Is that the one where like the Yankees go?No. Then you've been talking about for years.Fuck yes. You've been talking about thatfor like 10 years. I've always wantedto try it. I'm also going to take you the fuckingHirams.
56:56Is that a deli?No.No?What's Hirams?Look it up real quick.Highrooms?Look it up.Your dick's going to get hard.
57:07Forget about it.This episode's taking a turn.Hirams in Fort Lee?Yeah.Just look at Hirms.Oh, shit.It's chilly dogs.I haven't even taking you there, Doug.
57:20That's when I take you there, that's when you just, that's when you just take the, anybody I've taken there just takes the fuck.Ozempic needle and breaks it and it happens.They're just break the Ozempic. They're like, it's not going to work here.Take your magic elsewhere.You know what I'm saying?Oh, no, dude.That place has been there since I'm a kid Lee.The fucking hamburger there, it's got a taste that only that place has.
57:45I'm not saying it's the best in the, I can sit here and tell you all.It's great.And I have not been there in close to maybe 2014.Listen, listen, when you go on.there, it's simple. Fries, a burger,a hot dog, and a yoo.That's it. That's like the menu.Anything after that, you fucking go for it. God bless you.
58:10God bless you.Last week I was up there, and I went to Rudy's.Oh, yeah.So George DeFramer. I saw a fucking slick Nick,slinging dick, you know, the next congressman of New Jersey.And it just feels good to go up there on Mondays.I go up there early, maybe train with one of my buddies now.They do jit-to and shit, take a shower, any of those places,
58:34and then just shoot and do the podcast.That'll be a blast.It's going to be good to see you because this has been great,but to see your person to be way different.I can't.I'm all zoomed up.I'm all cameraed up.I got more everybody seeing these videos.
58:49Before I was chewing that mushroom, before I clicked into this,and I'm trying to get it down.I'm like, how many people are seeing this video right now?in Russia, they're watching me going, look at this jerk off.Got enough of those videos.I got it own whack off on camera and sit there fucking, you know,like Johnny Boomba's fucking losing the nine.No, thank God you don't jerk up.
59:10Why would you jerk off on camera?Because people do that.I'm not jerk off.Look at me.They fucking watch porn.They don't know at the same time.They're watching you, watching.And there you are.
59:22Yeah, Lee, you're on camera everywhere.Oh, yeah.One day they're going to put out of a,compilation tape.That's a prettyfuck is banging one outand you're gonna have to run to the hills.That's gonna be worse than the ditty tapes.
59:34So what do you do? You just dolike you just hide all the cameras in here?Like you don't have any computer,no phone, no anything, you just...No, when you whack off, take everything out of the room.Computer, the phone,there's the cell, that thing you tellall this to. Don't ever whack off in front of her.
59:51So you have to takeeverything out of your room?Or do you have like a special room?I'm just like a no technology room.I used to get so paranoid in Vegas,I'd whack off in the closet.You know what I'm saying?They'd give me the big room and I'd go in the closet like nobody knew.
01:00:06Because in Vegas, everybody's watching.Please, hold on.So you would go into like the hall closet and like crouch on the floor?In the bathroom.Do you know how they give you big bathrooms?Sometimes, yeah.I would go into the little closet where they had like the toweland the blow dryer.
01:00:25when out of five, six in the morning, you're paranoid.You need to shoot something.And it takes you like an hour because you got to get your dick hard.And you're standing up, right?You're standing up laying on the wall like a fucking Dracula with the closet.You don't know what's going on.Every time you hear a noise, you stop because it could be the fucking...The mayor or something?
01:00:49The maid.Why would the mayor be knocking on my door?No, I said maid.I said maid.Why would the mayor be?Can you imagine if it was the mayor?If the minute and you were jerking off in the closet.That's one of the things I started thinking about towards the end of my cocaine.
01:01:04I'm like, why would I go to Vegas?Like one time I went to Rogan in 2006 and a bunch of us.I didn't see those motherfuckers all weekend.Like I saw at the airport.I saw them when I checked in.I saw them when we did the show.And then I didn't see them until the airport that morning.and they were like
01:01:25something made right with Diaz.That's what I would go thereand I would call the dude before the plane landed.He would like meet me at the fucking hotel.I would go right to the roomand start getting the party started.They were like, where are you?I remember one time my friends from Jersey were there
01:01:43and I didn't meet them that weekend.It was the same weekend.They were like in a hotel across the street.The kids I grew up with,I'm like, I don't want to see you, motherfucker.I'm too busy in my room.Jesus, dude.And was Vegas the king?
01:01:57I mean, because then there's everything in Vegas.How could it not be?Well, the guy was so connected in the Vegas scene as a Coke dealer that he would,he would just knock on your hotel door at 4 in the morning because he knew everybody.It was insanely.It was fucking insane for about a year.I would just go to Vegas just to see him because I knew he was going to take him.He had everything.
01:02:23It was like $125 for an eight ball, three sleep.pills, two oxygen pills.He gave you everything.Cream for your nose, you know.Why didn't you just buy a bunch more of these?Could you do that?Like, could you, if you liked his little packs,could you have bought, like, ten of them and brought him home,
01:02:41or would they just all be gone immediately?Let me ask you something.When the guy from,when the guy from Krispy Pizzagave you those fucking two boxes of pizza,did you bring any home for your mom?Did you think of anybody?First of all, it was not two bucks.
01:02:59It was three extra stuff.But fuck, no.Okay.You know, you snooze you lose.I remember one time I bought a bag of Xanax.Valium.That's when they were Valium with the V in them in Beaumin Beaumont, Texas.
01:03:11I didn't even take those things.I bought them because my friend's roommate did those.And I bought the bag on Thursday nightjust because that's all the dealer had.He goes, I'll come back tomorrow with an eight ball.So I go, what do you got to that?He goes, all I got a pill.He goes, $30.
01:03:28Give me the whole fucking bag.by the time I'm on the plane Sundaywell I didn't get on the plane Sunday I didn't get on the planeuntil the following Sunday that's how I ate all those pills in three daysso addiction is addiction but I was a fucking animalwhen I came to it where you were doing so this week you're at theDenver Comedy Works so excitedthat's the first stage I haven't got on Lake
01:03:51oh dude a it's like one of the top ones everbut I did I don't know if you remember this but right when Istarted like two months in you let me do like three minutes at your at the comedy works and it wasjust like even that was like a wild three minutes and to be there for the like for the first time as likean actual person like a feature i could i'm pumped i'm so pumped it is you know they stopped i don'tknow if they do that anymore comedy works is one of those rooms that one wendy the owner or brian whogreat lady great lady she came through for me great ladybut she used to have it that the headliner had to follow like four headliners from Denver
01:04:35you had to follow like everybody there on Tuesday Wednesday Thursday was a local headlineyou know when I started there Denver had five or six national headliners that werefucking killers when you told me you were going over there I did like alike I just thought about all I before I got on stage there I remember I told youI told you I went to an NBC thing.Like, I had taken the stand-up class,and I was still a pussy about getting on stage,and they announced this competition.
01:05:12And that's where it was, the county works.I go, let me go down there and finally check it outand see what this is about.And I remember going down there and seeing all these comicsthat, like, you know, fucking t-shirts on HBO.And I sat down, and that was going to be the first time I got on stage.I go, I'm going to go do this contest.This is it.
01:05:36I'm fucking done.And Lee, I chicken out.I was like, little, what am I fucking stupid?And then, two weeks later, they were auditioning at the University of Colorado to open up for, who ended up becoming my friend.He's dead now.He passed away.I forget what his name was, great guy, Charlie, Charlie White, something.He was an Indian, American Indian activist.
01:06:00Funny motherfuckers.Hill.that's a JesusI'm horrible I'm stonedbut I went to the auditionthinking it wasin an auditoriumwhere people
01:06:14like in my fuckingdemented mindand I get thereand it's in an officesmaller in the office we hadlike a studentand there was three uptightfucking little kids there
01:06:28two of American Indianswhich I already lost the warmore like faggy Indiansthey weren't even like drinking Indiansthat stabbed peopleyou can see like they were likeIndians that were trying too hardand I did a Godzilla joke
01:06:43and something elseI never heard from them ever againyou know what I'm saying so I took the-You had to do the jokes in front of three peoplein an office Jesus ChristYou knowBut I put myself in those positionsRemember a couple months ago
01:06:56You said you were gonna get up at 8 in the morningAnd go stand on line somewhereYeah. I was just saving your life.Okay.You know what I'm saying? I don't have time to explain these things to you.I did a lot of creepy things. I did a lot of creepy things.I went to a lot of creepy places that didn't belong.And I still remember being flat broke and borrowing fucking Loebbs' car and borrowing like 30 bucks from somebody going into the city to audition for an improv troupe.
01:07:28Now, what the fuck would I audition for?improv trope for them.But in my demented head,hey, let's give it a shot.So I get there, they bought ballet park.It's a Copa Gabana.And I walk in there, worse than threefucking white Indians.
01:07:47Four Spanish people who thinkthey're fucking, you know, those are the worst.Right.The performers on the troop were great,but the people who auditioned you were just like,part of that Latin thingin L.A. where they all hang up. But at thenobody's making a dime.
01:08:03They're criticizing everybody.The government doesn't give us enough money for actors.Say, go fuck yourself.You know, last I checked fucking,the guy from Heat,what's his name? He ain't doing too bad.De Niro?I don't know. Let's see.
01:08:19He opened up the taco stands.Oh, Trejo?Trejo. What the fuck are you talking about?Danny Trejo?Huh?Danny Trejo?Danny Trejo.Yeah.
01:08:31I'm talking about him.He holds taco stands.You know, our friend Emilio Rivera is doing fucking great.But you've got these handful of Latinos.They get together in a group.They can't book a headshot.They start giving each other fake awards.Yeah.
01:08:46You're like, stop.Stop.Cogsuckers.Anyway.What do you mean fake awards?Yeah, like it's just no names.All right.I'm not asking for his business every names.
01:09:00You know, it's just a,a side that people get intoespecially when you're a minorityand in that room ain't nobody making moneyexcept the guy who put on that thingright and talk about and if you goto the Spanish ones they hit you with La Rasaand all this shit they're gonna do
01:09:14and meanwhile they're making moneyand they're shooting movies but they're not pulling you inwith them noso I know what the fuck they're talking aboutso why are we here we're wastingeach other's timeI'm going what we're talking aboutI'm like I'm jealous that you can say that to people
01:09:32what I don't know you look like why are we here on Sundays I'm not doing like you knowwell we it's I didn't say this I said this when I was a feature actI said this when I was a feature act when I was fighting for my life and I was already a regularat the store because they were doing it right but everybody else was doing it wrongdog I still remember a situation here at Rascals in New Jersey where I can'tman. Instead of thisdude saying I just don't like Diaz,he just ragged me all week.
01:10:09You talk tothe audience too much. Please don't do that.Okay. I knew if Italked to the audience, this guy had a chance.Do you know what I'm saying?Oh, okay. If you talked,okay. He did everything he could to getme off the show. And he was a good
01:10:26guy. He was just getting to the end of hiscareer, and hestarted getting like picky.because his crowds were small.And I did five shows.Wednesday night,I talked to the audience too much.Before I got there, he cut my time to 20,
01:10:44which is a big mistake because now I'm in comedy store zone.Right.You just fucked yourself.You just fucked yourself.Because now you're going to give me what you don't want.I practice 18 minutes three times a nightfor the last fucking 20 years.this was 19
01:11:06this was2003I was a regularmaybe five years alreadysix yearscome onso what do you thinkhappened Thursday
01:11:17I destroyed the audienceand now he came out withhe said fuck too muchand blah blah blahand Friday early showhe complained about something elseand I just laid into himand the club manager laid into him
01:11:30and that was ithe worked Saturday and he never spoketo me again. And for no reason.For no reason. I wasBuck Wild as a feature act.Buck Wild. I madethe one guy quit in Miami.He threw the fucking glass down.
01:11:49When we go to New Yorkand do the podcast, I'll get Ricky Cruz on there.Ricky Cruz saw a ton of shit that I wasdoing as a feature act because Ididn't give a fuck anymore.I'm at the store on a dailybasis and you're here headlining on somethingyou did 18 years ago.
01:12:04Go away. And then you want to get madme for coming out here like an animal.Right.Real comics weren't complaining about me.The Tommy Davidson's,the fucking, the guy from SinaiLive, that's in Florida now.Him and I work together perfectly. That's the
01:12:20strongest guy I haven't worked on the road, by the way.Really? Who's that?The kid from Sinai Live, that'sa conspiracy guy now.Oh, Akroy?Who? Dan Aykroyd?Is he a stand-up fucking comic from Sanat Live?I don't know. He was, okay, sorry.
01:12:35Anyway, it don't matter.But I worked with a bunch of guys that were fucking hysterical,and nobody complained.It was always once a month.I had this, you know,you always have these guys that I like,they don't like it.That you're where you're at and they're where they're at.
01:12:52Now, they're fucking planting flowers,trying to stay relevant, and you're a fucking animal.You don't even care about really relevant.You're just up there fucking doing what you're doing,because I was fighting for my life in those days.nobody was going to give me Montrealnobody was going to give me anythingso I had to get as good as I can be
01:13:10so I just went up there and started murderingthis started around 2003with meand then I got the longest yardand then I tried the headlinethat didn't work outbut anyway I did good last weekat the dojo
01:13:23Paul Berzzi's a funny fucking guy manyeah he's an undersee again and everybody'slooking at this guy look atPaul Berz he's a dangerousmotherfucker on stage i laughed my ass off it was a great show we're gonna do it again november 6tha week before i do fuck in new york so i'm definitely ready you know but it's been fun i'm thinkingabout denver a lot that's how this whole year beating started i'm sorry about that i'm thinking
01:13:52about denver a lot and i was just a fucking kid that i was just getting on stage to fucking have a goodtimely.Yeah, because when you're doing it in Denver, at least the first time,like you were just like right, either still married or right after the divorce.It was like a lot of change.Yeah, but when I came back in 93, I was in a different place.And from being here, I looked at comedy a little differently from being here going,wow, how hard is it to be an open mic here?
01:14:30I got to go back to Denver.You don't have to show up before, people.Right.I didn't have to show up with four people.I don't know four fucking people.I'm going to ask every week,hey, you want to come to a club and spend $20 to see a bad comic?I don't have that type of fucking balls.
01:14:46So I chose that path and it, you know, it was a lot better for me.And I was happily, I had nothing.Nothing.I had nothing.Half the time I lived in a hotel with some broad.The other time I lived with my cousin and that was a fucking nightmare.He was always trying to borrow money from me, and here I am broke.I would lend them money and then steal it back in the middle of the night
01:15:10and steal the pill from him.It was the fucking the funniest thing ever.And I didn't want, you know, that's why I say that sometimes,listen, man, nobody gets into comedy because they just want to get into comedy.We all have a reason for whatever the reason is.But after a few years, you'll start looking at that and going,I don't know if I'm going to do it.And then you're like, well, I can go back to baking pies
01:15:36or the delivering fucking, whatever the fuck I was deliveringwhen I got this job as a comic.Or I could look at it and attack it, because this is as good as it's going to get in my world.Oh, yeah.So at least go have fun.They give you two free cocktails.Go drink the cocktail.Some chick always talked to you.
01:15:55Hi.You know, I started working here six months ago, but my father loves comic.Okay.You want to bring me home?Yeah.you up to meet you.It's the fucking, you're doing comedy six months and people come up to you and talk to you.Oh, you know?
01:16:14And it's interesting and, you know, it's a better time without all that shit.This is why I said to you that I appreciate that like.I appreciate the comedy they provide, but some people aren't ready for that emotionally.And it's just the fucking stakes hit you, you know.I don't like being an open mic there.It was tough.Like the same people who were at that fucking place on sunsetthat they lived there, what was that house,
01:16:46the comedy house and the whole fucking thing.Those people are still there at just a different location.That's a click.That's a click.That's a click that talks about how, well,I'm friends of this guy.He said he was going to get me in the fucking comedy store.with this guy, he says, is going to take me here.
01:17:07It's just to show. It's mental health.If comedy is 40% mental health, when you goto those open mics, you're dealing with2080. It's a big fuckingswimming in those places. Those dudesare fucking...Honestly, dude, it might evenbe a little bit low. Because I was going to say,
01:17:25like, I feel like, because I started in L.A.I've done open mics all over the country.Andit'sit's... It's...that might be closer to 90, 10.Like, just bad shit crazy.But there's a point where you learn from that.
01:17:43You go, holy shit.You know what?That dude's crazy.And I don't want to end up like that,motherfucker.I got to do something because my comedy scene.In fact, he reached out to me today.The guy that ran that comedy scene just checked in.
01:17:57I wrote him a nice thing back on Facebook.Those are some of the best times in my life.And I knew it was around.people who were fucking crazywho would kill me in a New York minute.There were three guys in there that Iknow next time he talked to Josh Wolf.A lot of those
01:18:18people aren't around. The peoplewho don't open mics with. I love to findsome of them and a lot of themare around. I still see him on Facebookwith friends, butthe one kid Jeff with the handcuffalways creeped me out and sure enough, he jumped offa building, you know.
01:18:34Sure enough.Listen, I don't know.I was out now?Yeah, like three of those people, abandoned ship.Like one guy jumped into the Seattle water.He hung himself, the guy I'm talking about.He had like a kid and shit, you know, but I knew he was demented.Nobody keeps going on open mic every Monday with the same act, with the same suit.
01:18:58It smelled like that.And there's no growth.There's really no growth, even though you try to talk to him and go,come to this place with me.They show up with the suit and a fucking handcuff again.And that's how you know that there's something going on there.You're like, okay, you know, I'm going to leave this guy alone.And every time I see him, I'm going to hug him just to make sure you don't got a bayonet on him or something.
01:19:24So he stabbed me with or hit me in the fucking head with it.It's happened a couple of times, like, because sometimes people will go nuts in those places.Like, like, whenever anyone tells me they're nervous to do an open mic, my, like,go-to line is like homeless people do open mics.I can't tell you like how many likeactively homeless people have been,especially in L.A.I was homeless.
01:19:47No.You know, I didn'twalk in there, Stout, Smith.You didn't have all of your belongings with youeating a bag yet and then.I showed up twice at the club of my little armyduffel bag, you know what I'm saying?Your whole life?
01:20:02Huh?Or was your whole life in that one bag?Oh, that's Terry. When I met Terry, I showed upAnd she's like, where's the rest of them?This, no lamp, no nothing.Nah, who needs a lamp?Well, you're the king of darkness, you know what I'm saying?Look at you.
01:20:24See, you're only eating 100 milligrams, you cock sucker.I smoked it.I'm fucking dying over here.What's wrong with 100 milligrams?Where'd you get the weed from,fucking Bovachla Street?No, first of all, I have some of that you got me,but I also have good stuff.
01:20:40I also have good stuff.You got, you got shit like 20%No, I don't.Oh my God, I might have proof here that I don't.God damn.Well, this is pre-rolls, but these are 25.Yeah.These are pre-rolls from before shows.
01:20:572018, I tell you not to buy pre-rolls.Well, I actually did buy stuff.I got 20 fucking, I got a baby.I'm never here.You know, I'm never here.Listen, that's your problem.8,000 a month.And also you want to become.
01:21:11thousand please don't tell people i spent eight i wish i had an eight thousand it is way too muchof people coming over and fucking building your vacuum for younot a vacuum dude you can't i couldn't build some of that shit you what i can't build some of thati get this year in event i'm so happy and one of my johnny engineer you don't see me buy thatshit yeah because your wife can build it what do you know what do you mean you know she'sgood at that stuff she likes itthan her own stuff. That's what I'm saying. I can't dump my stuff on it. I don't have a wife.I can't do that to nobody. So before we, I got to hire some poor bulk that's going to come over and I got to be nice to him for two hours.
01:21:57Oh, no. What do you need to be nice to him? We leave him alone. Why is that your worst case in the area that you might have to be nice to someone for two hours?You got to off your milk and cooking? Ask him out of his family.What type of animal are you, Lee?You fucking desert Jews.You don't even give you a fucking,not even a, not even a canteen.You're working too wild.You give them a tip, and then you let them do their thing.
01:22:23You give them a what?You say, hey, you want to drink?And then they usually say no.And then you give them a tip, and then that's it.That's all you got to do.They don't want you hanging out with them.I was like, I can't imagine going into someone's houseand doing that shit.
01:22:38Me neither.That's pressure.I can't imagine having somebody come in my houseand me looking with a straight face going,I'd have you to build something for me.I'm too fucking stupid.I'm never going to lie to you.I'm never going to lie to you.
01:22:52Because you were talking about three years agothat made me think about something.When I first started going up to 149th Streetto see my godmother,and I would play with the tenants in her buildings.There was one kid who I thought was just brilliant.if I was five or six he was the sameI struggled with English you know
01:23:16this kid was Spanish just like mebut this motherfucker was on a different levelsmart he's the kid who taught me how to buildmodels okay yeah okayand we were talking when day and Iyou know we would just go downstairs to the model storewhere we used to buy the glue for Sticky Charliethis is two years before Sticky Charlie by the way
01:23:37oh damn so I was fiveThis is 1969.It could have been, I was eight,1968.And I would go down there, you know,and one day he goes,I like to build one of those,but my mom doesn't have the money.
01:23:51And I'm like, listen, what if I get the money from my mom?You build it, teach me how to build it,and you keep the fucking thing.And he goes, deal.And we went, we bought the glue downstairs,and I bought the Hulk.And he just taught me how to put the glue togetherbut I had a desire to learn that.
01:24:14I always thought, like,maybe I'll have him fucking make the thingand take it home to my mom. Look what I did.Meanwhile, my mom knows I'm a fucking idiotthat I can't put that together.He taught me. So I think I paid for like two models.I went to my mom. My mom was great.Let me see what the models.
01:24:30And I told him the truth.I said, I don't know how to do these things.He taught me. And after that, but I can't imaginethere's a 60-year-old fucking man.me having somebody to come over to build me a shoefucking closet. Like I have so many things I need to do here.You know, like I need to help me, somebody help me with the garageand rip down the wall and stuff like that.
01:24:53If you hire somebody in construction now or any field now, right?They tell you they're going to come over and they're going to do it.And they're also up to two days, bro. They come, they tear it up.And then they leave for four days because they've got to goanother job.Yep.And your job was supposed to be only five days.Now it's two weeks and your walls open.
01:25:14God knows what lives in there, what can get in.So before that happens, I'm going to have a friend of mine come in here.This is what he does on the weekends.And on Saturdays in like January, when it's cold, we'll rip down the board.He says he'll take it in this truck.I help him out.He helps me out.And it all works out at the end, playing.
01:25:38But you're going to have great time.How many shows?Wednesday, Thursday, Thursday through Saturday.It's a great club, man.I saw a lot of great shows.That's why I met Felicia Michaels.I didn't know you met her there.At the bar up there.
01:25:55Wow.I knew you worked with her, but I didn't know it was any matter of that.She was already a big shot, though.Shevel.I saw a lot of great acts there right after Roseanne left.I never saw Roseanne performed it.But first of all, let's get this straight.After I got into comedy, I would go there on Tuesday nights.
01:26:16In those days, the headliner would have to come in and close the open mic.I mean, it was like Bobby Collins in those days, Bobby Slate.You know, it was just a great.She's always had a great comedy mind.What these people are doing now, she was doing in 1993, 91 when I walked in there.When you walk in there, you realize.I walked in there fucking in 1991.Were you born by that?
01:26:47Yeah, I was born in 88.You were born the year I came out of prison.Not going to forget that.That's a good year.It was.Anyway, so I got nothing this week, basically.I think I'm just going to go do guests at the two shows.Hopefully, I like to go to Aaron Berg's Friday night at Uncle Vinny's.
01:27:05It's an 8 p.m. show.I'll try.I love Aaron Berg.Thursday, I got two options.What are you got?You got them the comedy works.That's right.And then you come back.
01:27:15By then we should have the lease done.And then, you know, I'm sure getting the fucking internet's going to take two or three weeks, you know.I'm assuming.But that building, you know, they got a ton of shit there.So it's a great.We have the new back cave in North Bergen.That's all these motherfuckers got to know about.I am very excited.
01:27:40they were going back.This opens a lot of doors to guests,you know, that I could never get my hands on before, like I told you.And that's it, man.I'm excited for 2025.I got some shows.You got some shows.So if we stay healthy, we got some good shit going on, play.
01:27:58And we don't have to do this motherfucker on Zoom no more.I'm so excited to see it, buddy.Me too, buddy.So, yeah, have a great time on the road.Wear a condom.The check-in is.Brought to you by Mint Mobile.Listen, your cell phone bill shouldn't be a luxury expense, all right?
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