The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - WHEN STANHOPE SAYS IT'S TIME | #236 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: March 27, 2023

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT.....   It's Monday, March 27, 2023…   This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT!    Go to https://www.onnit.com & Enter PROMO CODE: JOEY, JOINT or CHURCH    This episode is also brought to you by DraftKings, BlueChew & BetterHelp…    DRAFTKINGS   Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app & sign up with code JOEY.  New customers can bet $5 on any pregame moneyline & get $150 in bonus bets if their team wins.    Call [phone] or visit gamblinghelplinema.org (MA), Gambling Problem? Call 877-8-HOPENY/text HOPENY (467369) (NY), If you or someone you know has a gambling problem, crisis counseling and referral services can be accessed by calling 1-800-GAMBLER (1-800-426-2537) (CO/IL/IN/LA/MD/MI/NJ/OH/PA/TN/WV/WY), 1-800-NEXT STEP (AZ), 1-800-522-4700 (KS/NH), 888-789-7777/visit ccpg.org (CT), 1-800-BETS OFF (IA), visit OPGR.org (OR), or 1-888-532-3500 (VA).   21+ (18+ NH/WY). Physically present in AZ/CO/CT/IL/IN/IA/KS/LA(select parishes)/MA/MD/MI /NH /NJ/ NY/OH/OR/PA/TN/VA/WV/WY only. VOID IN ONT. Eligibility restrictions apply. Bonus bets (void in MA/NH/OR): Valid 1 per new customer. Min. $5 deposit. Min $5 pre-game moneyline bet. Bet must win. $150 issued as six (6) $25 bonus bets. Bonus Bets are non-cashable and cannot be withdrawn. Bonus bets must be wagered 1x and stake is not included in any returns or winnings. Bonus Bets expire 7 days (168 hours) after being awarded. Promotional offer period ends 5/28/23 at 11:59PM ET. See terms at sportsbook.draftkings.com/basketballterms.   BLUECHEW Visit https://bluechew.com and use code JOEY to try it free! Just pay $5 shipping   BETTER HELP Support the show and get 10% off your first month of online therapy at https://BetterHelp.com/DIAZ   Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media:   https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world   And don't forget.....   The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON:   https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz   #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #displate #manscaped #bluechew #CBDLion #HeartAndSoil #DraftKings #BetterHelp #stamps #RocketMoney   The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media:   https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast   Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video.....   https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

This podcast is brought to you by Onit. Go to Onit.com and look at the great selection of supplements. If you find something you like, press in code Joey and get 10% off delivered right to your house. What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? It's Monday the 27th of March. The joint is brought to you by Draft Kings. Listen, the biggest tournament in college basketball is heating up. This is it.

This is the big weekend. and there's still time to place a bet on Draft King Sportsbook. Show your team loyalty by putting your money where your fucking mouth is. Every week you tell me about what college you went to. Here's your spot. Here's your chance. New customers. I'll tell you what, you can make a $5 pre-game money line bet

and score 150 in bonus bets if your team wins. Who's better than you? Nobody. I'm looking at Yukon. with Danny Hurley to jack them all up this weekend. But listen, Draft Kings is bringing you parlays and outboost for the rest of the tournament. So be sure to check the app every day to see what they have in store, and the party starts today.

Do me a favor. Let's have some fucking fun. Download the Draft King Sportsbook app and sign up with Code Joey. This is the best week in sports as far as I'm concerned. New customers can bet. on any pregame money line and get $100 and bonus bets when your team wins.

Only on Draft King Sportsbook with Code Joey. Minimine age and eligibility restrictions apply. See show notes for details. The joint is also sponsored by Blue Chew. It's true what they say. Confidence can make up for a multitude of sins.

So make sure you got that confidence when and where it counts. Blue Chew is an online service that delivers ED medicine straight to your door. When I say ED, I mean erectile of this function. And when I mean erectile of this function, I'm talking about dead dick. But don't let it get you down.

It's a Monday. With the same acting of ingredients as Viagra, Seales, and Levitra at the fraction of a cost. This is the best deal you'll get on a Monday morning from Uncle Joey. You know why? Because Blue Chew is fucking tremendous. So do me a favor. Blue Chew will make you

will make sure you're prepared when it's time to play chopsticks with your dick. Blue Chew wants to help you have better sex. Discover your options at Bluetooth.com. Chew it and do it, Jack. They've got a special deal for Uncle Joey's joint listeners. When you try Blue Chew, you're going to get it for free when you use promo code Joey at checkout.

That's J-O-E-Y for free. You're just going to pay $5 for shipping. That's bluechoo.com. promo code Joey to receive your first month free. Who's better than you? Nobody. So visit bluechew.com for more important details and important safety information. And I want to thank Bluechew for sponsoring the podcast today.

Let's get this party started. It's Monday morning. We got shit to talk about. Greetings, you bad motherfuckers. It's Monday. The 27th of month. March the last goddamn week. Uncle Joey's joint here for some fucking Monday motivation.

I'm trying not to curse in the first five minutes, but it don't matter. YouTube still gives me the hook, so who cares? I got to be me. It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. Alive. The sun's out. It's been fucking warm. I guess I was wrong, guys.

I guess climate change is fucking real. I'm happy political people. having meetings about climate change and war with scientists. Listen, all I can tell you is it's three years here. February has been fucking light. I honestly thought just from living that this week, this month, this winter would be a fucking horrible winter from being here two other winters and they were very mild.

But I got to be honest to you, this winter is the mildness of all fucking three. I mean, it's going to be April first, and, you know, I don't know how much snow we're going to get in April. You know, I don't know. If this is like Colorado, I don't know. And listen, nobody knows anymore. You're getting tornadoes in North Jersey. You're getting tornadoes and you're just getting this temperature that nobody can explain anymore.

I'm not, listen, guys, I'm no fucking Fauci. I don't know dick about dick. I'm just letting you know what I've seen, you know, for 16 years and for years after, anytime I can't. here there was snow this has been 60 degrees lately how the fuck that we go from snow okay it's not gonna snow it stays at 38 40 guys I put my winter jacket on maybe five times this winter it was all hooded sweatshirts you know a hooded sweatshirt here maybe a t-shirt underneath guys I remember growing up here not being able to walk having to have a hooded sweatshirt and the wind were getting your fucking ears, your tears would just freeze on your face.

You thought you were going to fucking die? No. They'd just been mild. So I don't know. Listen, I was wrong. I'm sorry. Every year I predicted snow on my birthday. Shit, it was 60 fucking degrees on my birthday this year.

February 19th. So who the fuck knows what's going on anymore? You just get up, do the best you can do, and tell them all to suck your dick. At least that's what I do. I don't care anymore. had an interesting week last week, man. I'm starting to come out of my shell a little bit. I had to go up and meet up.

I had to meet Lee on Wednesday night up at Rudy's. I met up with George and my brother Carlos and Anthony Eifelis, a cop out of Clifside, and we had a nice little fucking quick meal. Lee had to run into the city and do a spot. And we finished. We had dinner. I drove him back to the fucking ferry. And I made a quick use.

turn and came home. No fucking must, no fuss. Friday night, I went to my daughter's school play. Holy shit. Holy shit. You know, it was an interesting week last week. I also booked a TV show, which we'll get to. Yeah, she comes home Monday. Dad, I booked the fucking play. We have rehearsal all week. She's, yeah, she booked it Monday.

She was like, I'm going to, I think I'm an audition for the school play because all my friends are going to do it. What am I going to do all week? Just go to Fat Joe's. I go audition. She came home and she goes, I got one of the Piper rolls. Like, all right, knock yourself. I didn't know what the fuck next back guys.

You know. Yeah, you know me. I don't know. No, but she did a play in L.A. When it finished, I go, would you like to do it again? And she goes, no, this was fun doing. I don't want to do it again. I said, good.

No worries. No pressure from Uncle Joey. I'm not Pistol Pete's dad. I ain't got a fuck and I don't give a fuck. I'd rather you not act. and then last Monday she came home and she goes on more auditioning she got the role

they had to rehearse every day till 5 there was no extra school activities and Friday night I said fuck it let's go down there and see what this is all about all little buddies were in it from the fourth grade

I didn't even eat an edible you know I didn't need a mushroom chocolate I just went straight I just wanted to fucking see what what you know what happened I mean, what happens, you know? And it was mind-boggling, guys.

It really, really was mind-boggling. To see her go up there, like, not scared at all. When she made a mistake, she laughed it off. She made a mistake one time she caught herself and she laughed at all. She had to sing. You know, it was just good to see it. Did I call CBS afterward? No.

Did I call Disney? No. Did I call fucking? No. No, it's fun. We went out, we got pizza afterward with the parents and the kids, and this is as easy as pie. The kids had a great time.

I tell you, all of them did good. There was one, two, three, four, five kids that I fucking knew, and all of them did very fucking well. I mean, it was just great to see, you know, some of the parents were like, are you happy? And I'm like, guys, I just want, it was, great just to see her up there fucking smiling. You know, people

like, well, you don't want to act? Guys, acting is a fucking grind, you know? Unless you walk in there throwing heat from day one and everybody's standing behind you. Grinding, acting is a fucking grind, man. Listen,

I was in L.A. for 23 fucking years. And I think I've spoken about this shit, how in reality, I would have made money as an actor three of the 23 years. I was there. My first year with Taco Bell, the longest yard year, and there was another year that I did a couple TV shows that there were good years, you know, could I, could I drive a Bentley? Was I going to go to a fucking dealership and buy a Maserati? By no means. It was a good

living for somebody with a wife that's starting out, you know, that doesn't, isn't really serious. Yeah, it was a very decent living, but was it. something that I was going to knock him dead with? No, I did better with comedy even when I was struggling with comedy. I did better with comedy. But there were years that, you know, guys, I always felt like I was,

everybody always made money until I got there. You ever feel like that, guys? Like, they get there, they play the guitar, one song, they get 20 grand. I get there, they want to give me $10. You know, this guy went there two months ago. They paid him $18,000 for the movie. I got the same movie,

and I got a singing dance, and light my asshole on fire, and they're going to pay me $10,000 less. It was the story of my life. I'm not complaining. I'm not complaining at all. But that's the way it was. The only time I made, oh, the year of the pilot,

I made some money. Yeah, there you go. But I wasn't going to live off that money that year. But it was a good amount from one company. Are you allowed to talk about that show? What was that about? What's that? Bronx County.

Was that what it was called? I never heard. No, it was a CBS show, and it just recently popped up on IMDB. Maybe I spoke about it, and maybe a year later, I spoke about it on the church, and maybe a year later, it fucking popped up. And I was like, wow, and I looked at who it was on it, and it was just four actors. So I think somebody made it after they heard me, and they put themselves up. It was only four people for Bronx County.

You could check it on IMDB. No, they gave me, I'll tell you guys, because it was 1997, it didn't make a dent in the debt that I owed. Not even, when you get a check and you don't make a dent, like, you're like, do I pay any of the debt off? Do I fucking, because I can't pay it all off with the fucking dent. I own an attorney. I owe the fucking, I owe a fucking, I owe.

child support. I think I owed everybody. I owed fucking, at that point, yeah, I had some friends. I owed personal cash to, you know, thank God they weren't loan sharks or nothing. They would take little payments. I was fucking struggling. Oh my God. In 1996, I made $9,800 as a comedian living in Seattle. Okay? And before, the whole year, getting $50s and $100 bills. And that's for the people who claimed, who sent W-9s and shit like that. I'm not talking about the people who paid 25 or 50. So all in all, you made like $11,000. So you figured I made $11,000.

No, I made $11,96, maybe $12,97. And maybe, I think, one year I made $6,000. In 95, I made $6,000. and it makes it even the worse that the year before that, I made $70,000, being a sports betting guy, and I made $60 in the month of December. $60,000 in one fucking month. And I took a big chunk of that debt off, but there were still tons of debt. So when I got the deal from Bronx County, it was $25,000.

But you got to remember, guys, I had to move with that money, I had to get an apartment with that money, I had to get settled with that money. The agents. At that time, I didn't have an agent. I closed that with an attorney who charged me $250 flat. You know, it was fucking great. You know, so they gave me $25,000 to move, which was great when you look at it on paper, but not fucking really. And, you know, but again, beggars can't be fucking choosy, right or wrong.

If you stay on a fucking, on a cold sidewalk, eventually, you're going to get a little bit of sun. So I don't care. Eventually, I was supposed to get a paycheck like that. Doug, I never told you about Bronx County. I went in, Doug, they had high hopes for me. This is like a Hollywood story. Like, I love Roseanne Barr. I've always been a fan of Roseanne Barr,

but I enjoy her story better than anything in the world. How she was in the fucking original room and Mitzi saw her and throw her in the main room. And next you know the Tonight Show saw her that night, and she got the Tonight Show and her life change. you know, I wish it was that happy. I wish it was that I wish everybody had that fucking story. You know, you put your work in,

your family struggled. She had to, like, leave her husband. Like, she went to Denver, L.A. on her own without her family, and she fucking hit, you know, and that's a great story, but that doesn't happen to everybody. That doesn't happen to fucking everybody. What are we talking about?

Bronx County. So when they came to me, I was at Seattle. It was Thanksgiving. It was the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. And the club, if you knew anything about the Comedy Underground, they gave you, Comedy Underground was a very strong and unique club. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Sunday, belonged to the comics.

What that means is that they were teaching you already in 1995 how to promote your own nights. So Monday night was an open mic, Tuesday. was an open mic. Wednesday was an in-house show and Sunday was an in-house show. I would do, I would get a show with like Tana Manu, Josh Wolf, Brody, and we would call it something. The Gobble Gobble Show. We'd sell tickets for 10 bucks. If 50 people showed up, we'd chop up 500 bucks. You know, we'd go to eat or something like that. It was no big fucking deal. I walk into this thing in Seattle. I'm like living on fucking nothing. You know, trying to snort coke.

I'm living on an office. I was living in an office paying $125 a month and I was basically sleeping on a towel on the floor, writing jokes. I had a 1-800 number in there. I could call out and people could call me on the 1-800 number. Don't ask. And I used to take shits out the window.

I could pee it. They didn't have a, they had a toilet. No, they had no bathroom. and on that thing. So I had to pee out the window and shit out the window. So in the middle of the night I would just open the window.

Was it the floor? I was like on the fourth floor and there wasn't and there wasn't a bathroom on that floor. So I would have to open and oh, and let's go back to this, there wasn't a window in my office. So I would have to walk to the back

you know how they have in the back of the building it would be facing the ocean and they would have the sound as you call it in Seattle and they would have stairs, fire escape. I would have to climb up on the fire escape, take the Cuban egg roll out,

and just fucking piss from there, and people would be walking by. And from time to time, I would have to take my ass and shit on the fire escape, and I would throw it away, but every once in a little turd would slip in between the fucking things, and I would hit somebody in the bottom

or somebody would, I don't think I hit somebody. That was rough. So when they came to, like Wednesday night, I could see if I was in L.A. or New York and MTV comes up to you

or you know somebody comes up to you CBS or NBC or Netflix that's one thing if you're in a comedy club but if you're in a metropolitan

area like if you're in New York or L.A you expect somebody from time to time to go hey I'm with this agency hey I'm with this fucking management group it's just you know that's what they do they go out of night but when you're in a club in Seattle

Did that before Thanksgiving. When people come up to you, they're like, oh, hey, man, I like that joke. Hey, I'm from Jersey, too. This little nerdy guy came up to me. He's like, hey, can we have a word? And I'm like, I had so many things going on in my world at that time. I had cops looking for me, people looking for me, private investigators looking for me. So I was like, what the fuck is this?

What's up? And he was like, listen, I have a pilot at CBS, and I've been looking for this character, and I can not find them. you're the fucking character. And I'm like, come on, man. He's like, you're the fucking character. I'm like, all right. And I go, where are you from?

And he goes, I'm from, I live in L.A., but he goes, I have a place since my mother lives in Seattle. I came up for Thanksgiving. We came out. We were down here eating dinner. We came out to see a comedy show. You popped up. It was like maybe four or five of us.

He goes, you popped up. He goes, tell me that you speak Spanish. And I'm like, yeah. And he goes, oh, you're fucking. What they were looking for was somebody Spanish or didn't look Spanish. That's what they wanted. They wanted somebody Spanish or didn't look Spanish. So the guy gave me his card.

He took my information, which was a page number, and the phone number to the comedy club, the manager at the comedy club. And he said, I'll be in touch. And I couldn't sleep. I could not fucking sleep, man. I could not fucking sleep for weeks. I was so ecstatic that somebody finally, and he didn't hit me back. And I started to get worried.

I'm like, and I started to go on that funk. And all of a sudden out of the blue, this motherfucker hit me one day. And he's like, hey, the pilot's happening. I need you in L.A. in January. When was this? This is December 13th of 1996. He goes, I need you in L.A. January, latest first week of February.

Can you make it? And I'm like, yeah. Look, I didn't have a fucking dime. I didn't know how I was going to get to L.A. I didn't know shit. All I knew was that fucking they wanted me for a CBS pilot. When he called December 12th or whatever 13th, he goes, we want you. But you still got to come down and do a screen test.

He didn't call an audition. About two days later, I'm doing comedy at the... underground and a buddy of my Rod Long comes up to me and he goes, dog. You know, you think about, Mike and I were talking about, you know, things that go on in your life.

You know, sometimes you don't you don't think your life is working out like it should, you know. But you look at things and you go, wow, no matter what's going on now, there was a time when the universe came through for me. And it came through for a guy like me a lot of times, regardless of my mother, prison, all that stupidity.

You could sit here and look at all the negative shit, but you do have to look at the positive shit. I had no fucking money. I had nothing. You know, and this comic said to me, hey man, what are you doing like two days from now? Like, who asks you that? And you're like, nothing.

And he goes, I got to go to L.A. to bring art for an art show. You want to take a ride with me? I'll cover your gas. weed and whatever he was one of my good friends in Seattle this guy no matter what he always had my back and I'm like are you fucking serious

so I called the fucking guy I go I'm going to LA I got a ride we'll be there Tuesday night and he goes perfect can you do a spot at the Laugh factory Tuesday night for the people from the show and I'm like if you I go they won't give me a spot

but if you can fucking set it up for me, I'll definitely do it. Done, he set up a spot. And then he goes, you're going to do the showcase Tuesday. Wednesday, you're going to do a screen test, and then you're free to go.

And that's, Rod's plan was Tuesday, he's going to land, we're going to relax, go to dinner, and Wednesday, we'll fucking do the art show, and Thursday we'll get in the car. I mean, it couldn't be any fucking better guys, you know? there's some Monday fucking motivation for you.

It couldn't be any better. Just when you think that things are not going anywhere. We get back to Seattle. I go on with my life, you know. Now I got to wait to hear from him again. He told me he called me after the new year. So I keep doing my comedy and one day I got a call from Ron Reed, another fucking gentleman up in Seattle who took me, Josh, a lot of us under,

wing brodie and he goes i have a spot for new years it's opening up for Doug stanhope he asked if you were open before he gave it away and i'm like fuck yeah i go see if he needs a host see if he could use josh wolf yeah he's open too fuck it so it was me josh and stanhope now i'm thinking about this as the money i'm going to use to go to l l-a this is like fucking perfect like it couldn't to happen at a better time. I was just going to sit around and smoke dope on fucking New Year's. This is great. All right.

No fucking big, no problem. New Year's comes. You know, and I do the shows with Stan-off. And let's be honest, I had worked really hard. And, you know, you don't know when the fruits of your labor are going to pop up. The fruits of my labor popped up that fucking, that New Year's weekend. I think we added, like, three years. four fucking shows.

It was just phenomenal. Stanhope was a beast. Stanhope will always be a fucking beast. And it'll always be a beast in my eyes for what I'm going to tell you now. After the weekend was over, Stamhope stayed. You know, we went to get drinks.

We went to eat. And one of the nights, he goes, listen, man, here's some cash. Like, this is Doug Stanhope. He goes, here's some cash. He goes, they're going to send you a check from whatever, but I'm going to give you more. You did really good.

And he goes, when are you moving to L.A.? And I'm like, and just ask me that. And he goes, it's time for you to move to L.A. You're that good. You're ready. And I'm like, I don't think I'm ready. Yes, you are. He's like, I'm into the improv.

There are a bunch of fucking humps every night. You know, Stanhope. He's like, fuck them. Go down there, do what you're doing here on stage. Tear him the fuck up. And I'm like, okay, you know, I can't play. And then he says, the final hand of God. He goes, when you come to L.A., you got some place to stay.

that's half the problem when comics want to go to LA they're like I don't know we don't know anybody or we got to sleep on a fucking basement this guy just opened his home to me he's like you got a place to stay man for however long as you need I mean the fucking

it couldn't have worked out any goddamn better I mean you couldn't put this together but as usual don't let your character ruin your motherfucking destiny okay You're going to hear me say that. I've been saying it for 10 fucking years.

I've been saying it since the day I heard it, which is about 16 years ago. I heard that. A little before I quit Coke, I heard somebody say, don't let your character ruin your destiny. So here I am. I'm headed to LA.

New Year's was great. Papa, papap. We're going to fucking do it. What do you think happens at Uncle Joey? That Monday, after that great, eight new year. I got a letter in my house, a summons from a fucking assault in Seattle. That had happened four or five months earlier, and the court had finally processed it and finally caught it. They were calling a fucking probation hearing to revoke my fucking probation for me to do

the rest of my time in fucking county jail. Whatever, four months of probation I had left, they were revoking my fucking sentence in the middle of all this shit I'm like God damn it now I got I had to go to court like the 16th of January this is like the 4th of January I got this news I just came back

I just fucking auditioned there was no money yet on the table he just said come down I will call you a legit offer like by the 10th or the 11th when can you be down there I said I don't know I'm putting it all together the now. Now I get this fucking court case

on the 16th. And I'm like, you know, Stanhope gave me a place. I got my fucking money. I got everything. Everything I could have fucking wanted. I'm going. My girlfriend at the time is coming with me. She's going to drive. You know, I got a place to stay with Doug. She's going to put a, she's got a trailer.

So even if we get stuck, we got a trailer. We're not going to be on the street. If Doug throws me out or changes his mind or smells my fungi toenail, he's not going to fucking pack. And this is what I did. And now I got to go to fucking court. Back in Seattle. I wasn't even in L.A. yet.

Seattle was not going to let me fucking go. But I had a cool probation officer. Him and I, I mean, he was as cool as can be for a probation officer. He was a dick. But I was behaving myself and he was cool. And I had spoken to him a lot about it. I went in there one day. I got to talk to you.

And I go, this is what they're trying to do to him. And he's like, listen, I had to revoke it. I got this fucking thing in the mail. You had police contact. You know, and I did. It wasn't my fault at all. It was a fight. I tried to get in the middle of it to break it up.

All of a sudden, I'm getting held. And it was a, it was a cop's report. You have to report it. What? It wasn't his fault. And I understood that. And he goes, but I have to go to court. And I could just talk in your behalf, you know,

and just say that. a misunderstanding. I'd come up late that you have been doing well. And I was. At that point, I was pretty much out of the fucking weeds. So he goes, but it's still the judge's decision and the DA is fucking through with you.

You know, at the time I had gotten arrested for a stolen fucking car. I had a bunch of arrests, but no convictions. Like they couldn't. I got arrested for fucking jaywalking. I got a ticket for jaywalking. Didn't go to

court and that started a fucking chain reaction of shit so she was like he was like the DA's a little pissed at you whatever you know we'll talk fucking then finally came the day I had a call in front of the judge and I was shit and fucking pickles it's like the 16th and I'm like this motherfucker this is my fucking biggest time in my life the biggest opportunity I've had since I got out of that fucking prison. Five years, six years, I've been fucking scraping, fighting,

eating fucking subway sandwiches, the veggie and cheese. If I had money, I'd eat the seafood salad with the fake crab and the fucking, and the fucking Katrina shrimp before Katrina. You know, this is just terrible.

Now I gotta go to fucking court because some guy got into a fight and I got in the middle of it and fuck. God damn it, and we get to court. And sure enough, The judge is pissed. The DA is saying all this shit that they want to revoke it.

That, you know. And finally, my fucking attorney who was, if you're not an attorney no more, she got caught fucking one of the prisoners. My attorney at the time just said, listen, what if, what if Mr. Diaz leaves and doesn't come back? And there was a silence in the courtroom.

Like, we might be on to something there. And sure enough, the judge called the DA over. The DA walked over. They had their little fucking meeting like they do on law and order. Come here for a second. Let's talk. And the next thing you fucking know, the judge goes, I think we're going to do that. You leave Los Angeles, promise never to go back.

Just leave us to fuck alone. Take your criminal Cuban-ass to L.A. And just take anger management class. And that's it. So you don't have a warrant in Seattle? Yes, there's still a warrant now after the fact for the fucking, but no, it wasn't a warrant for what I did. Because there was no charge.

I didn't get charged for the fist fight. I got charged because I broke it up. And then I got into a fist fight. Not really a fist fight, but we got into a tugging match. When the cops fucking came, they took everybody's goddamn name down, and my name was on the police report. That's why they say when you're on probation Don't go out at night

Like don't go to a bar But Joey, I'm just going to have a beer I know, but guess what's going to happen? There's going to be a fist fight It's one of your fucking dummy friends That had too much to drink And you went to the wrong place for him You're going to get in to break it up

Because you're a fucking savage You're not going to let some fucking drunk guy pound on your friend when he's hammered And when the cops come You're going to get handcuffed And even if you didn't throw a fucking punch Your name's going to be in the police report. They're going to put your fucking name down.

And somebody, listen, 90% of the time, they're not going to catch it. But when you're the kiss of death like I was at that time, they're going to catch it. That's what I'm trying to fucking say to you. They're going to catch this type of shit. So I was in shock when the judge said, okay, that sounds like a good idea. And he looked at me. He goes, did you hear that? You're never allowed to come back to the state.

But you have to continue the classes. And keep them aware of it. And keep them, the class will send them the information. They gave me all the paperwork for me to take the anger management class. And what happened is simple. I got the fucking L.A. It took me like 30 days to find the class. And then once I did find the fucking class,

once I did find the fucking class, I had to register, wait to get on a list. They put me on the list. Everything was great. and it all worked. It was $35 a week, but on a Saturday morning at 9 o'clock. I do comedy, guys.

I do stand-up. I tried to get a Monday. I tried to get a fucking Wednesday. I tried, and they were like, nah, you got to start the Saturday program at 9 o'clock. Well, it did for about three weeks, and then what do you think happens? You go to store on a Friday night,

a very innocent night, you have a few fucking cocktails, you sit out there talking to people until 3 in the morning. You go home, the exorcist is on, Now you're up to 5.30 watching a stupid movie, trying to figure out writing jokes. And next thing you know, you wake up late. And you know that they're going to close the door at 9 o'clock at you. So that's what happened.

That's why there was a warrant on me from Seattle. Real quick. And now, for a word from my motherfucking sponsors, Jack. All right, you savages, like I talked to you in the beginning of the podcast. Listen, this is the biggest tournament in college basketball. And it's heating up. and there's still time to place bets with Draft King Sportsbook. Listen, I don't know what you're thinking about,

but we got player props, team props, odds boost, same game parlase. We got it all. Me, I'm looking at Connecticut and Danny Hurley. I got to support my Jersey City boy. Like I said, we're bringing you parley's and odds boost for the rest of the tournament. So do me a favor. This week, check every day. Check your rap every fucking day.

the happy hour to see what they got in store. For you guys who don't know, Draft Kings has a happy hour between like three and nine Eastern Time or six and nine. Check it every day. But first, you got to download the Draft King Sportsbook app and sign up with Code Joey. New customers can bet $5 on any pregame money line

and get 150 and bonus bets when their team wins instantly, only at Draft King Sportsbook with code Joe. Joey, the official sports betting partner of your Uncle Joey. Minimumage and eligibility restrictions apply. See show notes for details. Now back to the show. We're back, bitches. That's my fucking pilot story, and that's the beginning of it.

But I got the... But you went after that, right? Yeah, I left. Guys, I left. After that judge made the decision, I was out of that two days later. There's no reason to dick around. I called the fucking guy from L.A. He told me to, I told him I was okay that I could come.

I was coming. And he said that when I got there, after the read on Wednesday, I had to sign a contract, whatever the fuck it was. After that I went down. He goes that they were happy with me. Everything was, and I had to just come down and sign a contract. I was still asked, I was still scared to ask how much. Like I wouldn't even ask

Like I was just petrified In my head I had like a number Like 8 million You know what I'm saying Like this is gonna solve all my fucking problems I'm gonna be twisting by the pool Hanging with bitches But uh it took a few days

And then right before I left He called and he goes good news I got your 25,000 I don't know if you're gonna stay In Los Angeles That'll help with housing Uh you're gonna be on the set for maybe 10 days

and so when I came I landed in L.A. On a Monday night I went to the laugh factor on a Tuesday I went to the comedy store that Monday

and I think that Wednesday I met with him at some attorney's office on Lusher Boulevard I was like fucking sweating I was petrified it was the first thing

that ever happened it took you know at first year you're very excited because you're Like, wow, it took me eight years to get on a TV show. You know, wow. You know, wow.

You know, and yeah, there was a lot of struggle and staying in hotels and Rock Springs, Wyoming and shit like that. But, wow, it took fucking eight years. So that was very impressive, you know. And then we went to wardrobe. We went to a few things like that. I didn't know what to expect guys. You know, I didn't know anything about that world.

I had never taken an acting class or anything. and the next thing you know we got to the set to rehearse and everything was hunky dory everybody likes Joey, Joey likes everybody until it was time for action and then Joey didn't know what the fuck to do dog I wasn't an actor like standing where you need to be

and all that kind of shit I didn't know anything never mind dog I had lines I had like eight scenes in this and this pilot maybe they It's a half hour pilot. No, it was an hour pilot. I'm exaggerating.

Maybe I had four scenes, but there were thick scenes where cops were coming to my bar, and I would talk to them. I remember there was one scene where I'm sweeping outside, and an informant comes talks to me, because I'm like the bartender of this neighbor in the Bronx, and I'm like the fucking, I was like the town crier. You know, like if you ever see Starsky and Hutch, they had a rat. I wasn't a rat, but I'm like a rat. I talked to this town, I talked to the neighborhood, and I would speak to the cops. The cops would hang out at my bar.

So I go, hey, I know you picked up Mike last week for fucking DUI. You're going to cut him a break for me. You know, shit like that. So I remember there was one scene. I was outside talking to a junkie for a while about his situation at home and how we talked to a cop. I was one of those guys. Hey, man, can you talk to Mike the cop and see if you get a deal for me?

I was one of those guys. I had that scene. I had a scene with like four cops and a DA. And then I have like a closing scene where I'm talking to all the cops at night before they leave, you know. I think the first scene that they had me do, I didn't have any idea.

If somebody sees, just correct me, if I'm wrong, was the scene at the bar at night. And it was like a laugh scene, like whatever. I had maybe three lines and the whole thing. It took us like eight hours to shoot. Guys, it was not good. And for a minute there, you can see how my face, if I thought back on the feeling, it was not good.

It was not good walking into a place very excited and realizing that you don't have a fucking clue of what you're doing. And everybody there thought I did have a clue of what I was doing. So it kind of made it the fucking worst, you know? So I, like the first day, it was kind of rough. you know, people were like looking at me weird. It was like the way we worked at La Brea Leota during the fucking Many Saints of Newark.

Shoot, God rest of the soul, I'm not trying to be cute or anything here. It was just surreal that I didn't know what I was doing. And then we went to the second day. I had some type of rehearsal. And again, they were like, ooh. I was lost. I didn't really get a grip on it to like the third day.

And even then I was lost. I didn't know what to do. There was a bookstore where they sold books on writing and acting and stand-up and, you know, Judy Carter's book. They said everything. Samuel French. Samuel French had two stores at the time. One in Hollywood and one in the Valley. They had sold agent books.

Anything you needed to know about the entertainment business. I remember running up there. buying like three books on acting. Like, you know, and they were already telling me, like, you're going to get a check in like four days. So I'm like, holy fuck, if I come down here. So the more we rehearsed, the next day I'd noticed that my lines got taken away from me. And the more we rehearsed, I figured out that they were taking me out of scenes.

They were just taking me out of whole scenes, guys. You know, when you're excited, it destroyed. is you fucking destroys you. Like I went in thinking I had four lines and now I'm down to two. I'm like, you know, it was shit like that guys. It just takes when you don't know what you do. And it wasn't

their fault. It wasn't my fault. We didn't know. We didn't know. He thought I had taken. He never asked. It's not like he said to me, did you go to Juilliard? Yeah. I didn't go to fucking Juilliard. I went to the school of fucking delis. That's where you tell stories and shit like that. I didn't know the fucking Juilliard.

So. At least you got it. Doubt. You just have to deal with... Well, no. Then I got a check, and I'm like, whoo. They didn't give me the whole check. They gave me like a half of payment.

Like $12.50? Like $12,000. I was like, wow. Holy shit. But the most depressing day was the day we actually started shooting the pilot. And when I got there, they had like a mini table read. And I was down. I started off the whole shoot with,

maybe 20 lines, and now I was down to two. Guys, I was never, ever so embarrassed in all of my life. And I remember that I signed with a manager at that point. And I was like, you got to really find out what's going on. And he called back when they was like, eh, they like you, but they just go on to see it if the show gets picked up. Then about two months later he called me He goes, no, you're all in

You're fine It looks like CBS is going to announce the show In May They're going to keep you as the bartender They need Spanish people It's like anything else You need like a grant from fucking The Caesar Chavez organization or some shit

I don't know why they kept me I don't even know if it's true All I know is I was fucking You know, thank God I'm not an idiot And I didn't go out buy a house on credit or, you know, start smoking cigars and shit. Because CBS have given, I forget what his fucking name is and it tortures me. For you guys who know the Sopranos, the guy who played the doctor in the prison with Johnny Sack.

He played like the orderly. That guy's a big-time guy. It was a bunch of movies. He's also a big-time director. Not Sidney Lumet, maybe one of those. Sidney Pollock. This was Sidney Pollock's Bronx County. Sydney Pollock, CBS had given Sidney Pollock a million dollars.

So we're like, fuck, somebody gives me a million dollars. It's on, right? In any other world, somebody gives you a million dollars. You're fucking working for that million dollars. I was in Miami. It was right after my apartment got towed. I was fucking miserable. I had no clothes.

I was getting $3.50 a week for hosting. And I would have to spend $200 of it on clothes from all, you know, I had stuff from the sneakers, socks. I would just go to fucking old Navy every day and buy a pair jeans for $5. And on that, I'm like, this is just, you know, thank God they put me in a condo in Miami. And I'm like, this is all going to be

until that pilot gets picked up. Because the $25,000 was for the pilot shoot. Now they'd have to decide how much I was going to make every week. And at the end or whatever, I mean, it was going to moving fast. And I was fucking all in on this motherfucker. And I remember I was in Miami and I was like, fuck. I only got two more weeks until I find out I was opening up for Robert Schimel in Miami. God bless his soul.

I was supposed to open up for Rob Schimel. He was working Friday and Saturday, but there was some fucking guy that it was the first reality show. Like how to date a millionaire and he won and he was a stand-up comic. so he was popular again. They put him on the road, and Schimel didn't like that they took away his fucking, they took away his Thursday, so he canceled. And it was the first week I had an headline with a gun to my head.

Like, I didn't have the time the headline. They were like, Joey, you got 40 minutes? Yeah, they're like, you're fucking headlining this week. I'm like, God damn, at least I was making some money. But I got to call that Friday at the pilot didn't get picked up. and I was fucking cracked. But thank God I didn't spend the check before I fucking had it. But again, even then, that was 1997, going into 98.

I hadn't booked basketball yet, and I think I did book the Taco Bell commercial. So between the Taco Bell commercial and the CBS show, I'm lying to you guys It was a really good year I forgot about that Taco Bell commercial That was a very good year And I remember getting an insurance card

Like I was getting all this shit in the mail And I was like wow If this is what I make in one year I'm gonna have a good career If I could book a commercial And one pilot every year I'm gonna fucking have a great career Making money wise

I booked five pilots after that I made fucking nothing and I booked, I think, four more commercials after that. They didn't pay me a third of what those jobs paid me. Like, you think inflation's going up? What they're paying is also fucking going down. So this week, I start the week off. My daughter getting that audition.

And Monday I forgot in that. I had an audition. Listen, I had an audition for a fucking popular show. It shoots in New York City. I was very happy with it. I've shot it before. I put the audition on tape. I must be back because I shot the motherfucker in two takes I had that bitch.

You know what I'm saying? They're like, you're good to go. But they called on Thursday. And they're like, hey, man, can you, you booked it. Congratulations. The first offer they made me, first off, I didn't know what I was reading for. I didn't know whether it was a guest star or a co-star. Listen, guys, I don't give a fuck.

I'm just happy that they offered me something and they let me do a fucking audition That's all I'm grateful for that I put the audition on tape Boom I got to call Thursday morning They call it 905 I was telling Mike And they go hey we offered it to you

But congratulations We'll call you more with production I go okay And right away my wife calls him She goes I saw the offer Are they fucking serious And I'm like

yeah I go I won't do it for that I go it's not worth it because I gotta pay commissions on that drive do all this shit but I'm trying to bump them up you know my wife is like

wow that was low I mean it's it's fucking low guys real fucking low and you know I called back my agent the guy who's helping me for these particular gigs and he goes yeah

I'll get you some more money he got me some more money still, it wasn't a fucking third of what I had gotten in 99, 2000. When I was doing co-stars in the early 2000s, and then I started booking guest stars, there was still a little money left. Again, when I started booking guest stars, people were making 15 grand.

When I started booking them, I was making 5 grand. What happened to the 10 grand? You know, all the guys, and you don't sweat it. You're just fortunate enough to be there. So they'll come back with the dough, blah, blah, blah, and they're like, listen, it shoots Monday morning, and I exactly know what that means. It's Thursday, which means I need to go into the fucking city on Friday. Now, my daughter's got to play, plus I'm shooting PRP in my knee.

I don't think this is going to work on a fucking Friday. You know, the girl's got to play at seven. I don't want to be getting through their fucking rushed up from the Jersey Turnpike and the parkway. It's a fucking drag to drive on that shit. All right. They go, no worries. We'll get in Friday for wardrobe. We'll get in as early as possible.

And I tried to work with them. I said I'll try to cancel the doctor's appointment. Bro, these motherfuckers call back Thursday night at 11 o'clock at night to tell me, no, we'll see you tomorrow at three. And I'm like, you know what, man. You know me, guys. I love to work. I'm a modest guy

Guess what? I'm not going in there At 3 on a Friday I'm just not doing it I don't know where I'm going I have no idea It's Friday Friday and it's gonna fucking rain

If there's an accent on that turnpike I'm gonna have to sit there To my ass gross roots I'm not It's not worth it to me anymore You know And I told them the truth I'm not doing it

They're like okay We could do the wardrobe On fucking Monday And you need to take a COVID test You need to come in here on Sunday. I'm not doing that either. Listen, COVID is dead. Elvis is dead and I don't feel so good myself.

If you get COVID now, you even tell somebody you're a fucking idiot. Just go along with your life. Nobody's dying anymore. That's it. It's over. And then they started with the fucking, oh, we need a COVID card. Listen, last I checked, Kyrie Irving is playing. Last I checked, Kyrie Irving is playing again.

That's it. What's with the fucking COVID card? You know, enough with this shit already. It's over. Okay, we could take the COVID test Monday when you get there. Nah, they call back Friday night and 11. You need to take it. What's the nearest COVID testing facility to your house?

I don't know. CVS, maybe? Let's do a CVS right down the corner, you know. Gwentin did that Saturday. It's a 24-hour turnaround of 40-hour. They were hitting me back way before. the 24 hour mark to fucking find out the results. I'm like, what do you, the call CVS get to the bottom of this?

Production is waiting. No, they're not. No, they're not. This is just you guys, you know, you learn so much over the years. And again, I quote that Bill Hicks thing constantly. It's not that you're lazy. It's not that part makes you lazy. Is that what you're thinking about doing isn't worth it.

You think about it's not worth it. When I'm, I'm going to go down there. and sweep and pick up the broom and talk to that boss. And it's the same with me. I'm not lazy. I'm not saying that I smoke dope all day. What I'm saying is that as you get older, you're like, I want to do it. But it's not worth it.

Like after the commissions, the Jersey tax, the New York tax. And I sit here and think about young actors. I don't think about me. You think I give a fuck about me? I think about people who actually go to NYU. people actually go to UCLA or USC and do all these great acting things. And they come out into the world.

They're 22 years old. You know how hard it is to convince your fucking parents that you want to be a fucking goddamn actor? Do you know how hard it is for any fucking kid to have to go up to their parents and go, hey, I want to be a fucking actor? And you're like, well, we had plans for you. We wanted you to be a fucking slobobobus or whatever the fuck.

An underwater surgeon. You know, I'm just making shit up here. But it's like, how can you justify it? You got to go to acting class. You got to fucking starve. Then you get shot by Alec Baldwin. You know, it never fucking, I mean, what the fuck? And I love guys.

I fucking, I'm a movie buff. I do a review on Patreon. I love all this shit. I watch two to three fucking movies a week that you wouldn't even think of watching. I'm such a fucking retarded movie buff. I love all this shit. I love the process of acting. I love shooting.

But guys, at one point, you know, I'm starting to look at it now, like, how desperate I was to succeed. Because I would have done, I would have jumped all of those hoops. And the more you do it, and I told you guys years ago that there came a time, I didn't like working no more. I love booking the job. I love going in there and booking the audition and telling everybody suck my mother. fucking dick, Jack. I'm a dirty stand-up comic

without all this comedy, ha-ha-ha-ha. And with all this acting, ha-ha-ha-ha. And I'm making a fucking living. Listen, I enjoy it. I love it. It's like fucking,

you know, being in, I got an offer for a theater play a couple weeks ago. Guys, I would love to be in fucking theater. Like a long-running show in Manhattan.

But they torture you. The rehearsals. I don't have fucking eight hours a day to rehearse After we have it we move the fuck on After the show's going and you're rehearsing No they taught you And it's like after a while It's like hurry up

What's the expression for people in Hollywood Hurry up to sit Like they have a joke that they do It's like hurry up to sit here for fucking eight hours And then we'll get to you And it's like I'm over it I respect people And I respect your wishes

And I respect your production but you know what man I don't know what happened to it you know I was in L.A. I was very happy I wasn't even an acting a kid who came from an acting background or anything I don't know anything about fucking acting I'm like Pauley and Goodfellas I don't know anything about restaurants I go to I go to a restaurant I order food I'm the same way I don't know anything about fucking I got to a movie theater I get fucking Snickers and I sit there and I love yes I got a little Reese's penis fucking tremendous when I went to see John Week.

Those little Reese's pieces, oh, they're fucking tremendous. I split a bag with my daughter. But, you know, I was hoping that, Jesus, I needed, listen, I needed a certain amount to get insurance. And this didn't even come close to it, but I didn't care.

It'd be nice to walk around New York City on Monday, shoot, maybe get a butted fucking bagel, meet some new people. It's not about the fucking money. But at the same time, you got to pay your bill. you gotta fucking pay rent you know you gotta do shit so i'm happy that mercy did a fucking play i'm jumping up and down about it but it's not i hope she doesn't get into it listen god bless her

god bless if she wants to try this shit god bless if they want to try basketball but i tell you what for acting stand up all these things that we like doing i like doing you know it's you could do all these things as a hobby. You know, acting is a great hobby. I told everybody I fucking knew over and over and over again. If you ever go to L.A., if you ever decide to go to Los Angeles for a job, I don't care if you're selling fucking cemetery plots. I don't give a fuck what you're doing in L.A.

You have to go transfer there for a job and you're close to the Hollywood area. do me a favor go to a fucking commercial agent and apply listen commercials they'll take you in a fucking

new york minute for a for a commercial an agent like if you go in and go I want to be an actor any an agent they'll go take a fucking hike but if you go in and go I want to be commercials whether you're missing fingers whether you have an eye

whether you have a pogo stick for a leg they'll fucking sign you you. While you're there, you might as well audition for commercials because you never know. You might make six figures. So take a chance. Fucking Columbus did Cogsucker. And that's the Monday podcast on March 27, 2023. I love your cocksuckers.

Stay black. And now for a word from my motherfucking sponsors. All right. It's a beautiful Monday morning. I want to thank Draft Kings and Blue Choo for sponsoring the show. As usual, today's episode was. sponsored by Blue Chew. And it's true what they say. Confidence can make up for a multitude of sins. So when it's time to sling dick, Blue Chew is there for you. Blue Chew is an online service

that delivers ED slash dead dick medication to your door. It's got the same active ingredients as Viagra, Cialis, LaVitra, at a fraction of the cost. I love it. You're going to get it for free. And it comes in a little personal, little pouch. You put it in your wallet. And when you bump into a freak, boom, there you are. Blue Chew will make sure you're prepared to take that monkey down anytime, any place. Blue Chew wants to help you have better sex, okay? Discover your options at bluechew.com. Chew it and do it.

And they got a special deal for Uncle Joey's listeners. You ready? I'm going to give you Blue Chew for free on a beautiful Monday morning. You're like, Joey, what's free? Free. Use promo code Joey at checkout. pay $5 for shipping, and that's it on a beautiful Monday. That's Bluetooth.com promo code Joey to receive your first month free.

I'll see you, Coxuckers. Next Monday morning, Tip Top Magoo. Have a great week.