The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - When you come at the king, you best not miss

Episode Date: July 16, 2024

This week on The Check In Joey and Lee give their reaction to what happened to the former President, what Joey thinks of graffiti artists, preparing for life as a protestor, and choosing your path as a comedian. Support the show and get 20% off your 1st order of Liquid I.V. Head to https://www.liquidiv.com and use promo code JOEY Support the show and get 20% off and free shipping on your Manscaped order. Head to https://www.manscaped.com and press in code DIAZ  The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz

What's going on, Tarzan? Talk to me. I'm doing good, dude. I'm just excited to see you. I had to see you. Everything good. How was the weekend? The weekend was good. I did a show in Boston on Friday. And then on Saturday, like I drove all the way. I just out of view because I drove to Syracuse. I had two shows at the Funny Bone on Saturday night.

It was really cool. But like I'm sure it happens all the time. but like this is the first time they had like an extra feature and it was like I went up there was like something in my head and it ended up being different and like I had to like adjust and like I like did that ever happen to you did you ever get there like all the time really or like your like we don't need you now like did they ever cancel you when you got there uh no they always if they double book it they'll pay you yeah oh yeah they're great to me yeah they either send you home or you could do a set and they'll give you a dinner. That's the standard, you know.

But you're going to get double booked all the time. It's just a part of growing up. Wait, do you have to share a room with a guy? Because they double booked it and there's no extra hotel rooms. Oh, geez. Oh, yeah. That happens somewhere. That'll happen on somebody's tour, some crazy club will call you, get there, and you're staying in the fucking, the owner's house in the attic and there's a raccoon. I did that on a show. I stayed. as a feature and it was like he had me go to like this place and it was a room and a condo and then like that night

he came in and I don't know you lived here too that's crazy it's crazy dog you're gonna you know hey listen you got to cut corners somewhere as a comedy club owner especially in the summers those hotel rooms are fucking you know two 300 a night 140 listen I just went to mount something last weekend. Fucking beautiful. Nice part of Jersey. An hour and a half from me, maybe an hour of 15.

Mount Holly, maybe. I don't fucking know. And we got a hotel room. One of the best hotels I ever had. I mean, it was a regular hire. When I asked my wife what they fucking charged, she said, $1.49 a night. You should have seen the breakfast in this joint. First off, it was eggs to order. There was a chef. I mean, yeah.

And listen, I'll stay there all the time, and I'll tell you why. Because anybody who saves me breakfast money, I don't want to run around for breakfast. You know, you know when people tell you, oh, this is great place. You got to go there. And then you get there. It's an hour of 15 wait. Will you wait?

Fuck, no. That's why I won't leave the hotel at 8 in the morning. I got to be in a hotel. that has a decent fucking breakfast. Something told me over. Okay. Do you go down in your pajamas or do you get dressed? No, you take a shower? Listen, I wake up in a hotel. I get up. I always bring something to drink, you know, in the morning juice or something.

If there's a coffee maker in the room, sometimes I drink it just to kill the morning. You have a vapor pen to get the party started to give you a little wind under your sales. and then you wash your pussy and you run downstairs. You know, before, when I check in, I know they got something for me. I'm not going to check in, and they're going to hit me with a, by the way. There's no breakfast for nothing.

Oh. And sometimes they give you the powdered eggs. But the powdered eggs will hold you over to the next time. Little powdered eggs, some of that fucking hog bacon that smells like dick, a piece of seven grain toast, and it holds you over for an hour. Oh, my God.

that breakfast saved me the last time I was in Jersey. It was that night that I got so fucked up. I just slept on your, I slept on your couch, and I got back to the hotel and on the way up to my room. Oh, fuck you. I still had my backpack on. I went and I

got like two plates, because I was like, oh my God, I was so hungry. We took so many edible that just passed out on your couch. Oh my God. Sometimes you go downstairs and they got like eggs, they got a bunch of shit, and they got like cinnamon. cinnamon rolls or like

cinnamon donuts and powder. You take two of those back upstairs to your room for law and order at 10 a hand. After you smoke a number, you got two cinnamon donuts in your room. You don't got to eat no stamenca potato chips or none of that shit. It's a fucking beautiful morning, you know.

Oh. Comedy is, listen, even when you're a headliner and you're in a B room, comedy is a trick. They don't treat you right to you're selling tickets. Right. Once you put an investment in that club, watch the difference.

They give you earphones, chicken, make you a cake. You know, if you're not selling tickets, you just, the club is basically giving away tickets to get people in so they could sell them alcohol on food, you know? Right. And you're up there bombing, you know, thinking you're fucking. fucking Dave Chappelle and you're up there in front of a bunch of people

who don't even know how to spell Shapp. Never mind you know. You're doing it, but there's times it's disheartening. Oh, sure. That's why when you put in your goals, you want a headline. You better put specifically where you want a headline because you'll end up in bowling alleys and shit.

You know, for this guy, he's got a Thursday night. Listen, I'm just starting up a Thursday night. We do it at a bowling alley. You might come in. I'll give you an extra 300. You get that. People are touching you. You know, it's a bowling alley in rural fucking Iowa.

People are touching your jeans and shit. You do have to be specific with the universe. I found that like many. Oh, yeah. You got to be specific with that motherfucker because if not, he'll send you how to fucking, you'll go like, Joey, I write my goal, but you're not writing specific goals.

You wrote headline. You didn't say, you didn't want a headline a fucking tugboat fucking pulling in the ship of sailors. There you are with 12 guys. Funny thing happened to me on the way to the pier. Go fuck yourself. I could just imagine that stupid horn going off

during every punchline. It's work. As long as you're not taking it personal, it's work. Give you a funny story before we get this thing going. Okay. I'm in LA. I'm working my ass off.

It's probably. probably 1998 and I got a call from Tribble and he says to me I got a great deal for you and it was for him it was a great deal he wanted me to co-headline with some other fucking kid I didn't know him I knew him by name but I didn't know him by this is 1999 this kid inspired me a lot so you know the day came I had to fly into somewhere and he picked me up in his car and the deal was we drove we co-headlined they gave us all our money and tribal was going to pay for the plane ticket which was a rarity it was a cheap plane ticket at the time but whatever and i remember that i was living in l.a and i was at the store did i have a chip on my shoulder no but yes i was in

prison for four years now i'm at the store doing spots with fucking paul mooney and all these guys so I get up there, I'm doing a triple run, but I'm not acting like a fucking out. You know, I'm just being me. And I get in the car with him. Nice guy, you know, and we start talking. It gave us four days to get along. You know, like, we had four, six or seven hour drives.

We better get along, you know. Yeah. He didn't get high, but he didn't mind that I got high, you know. And I asked him, like, the second day, I go, so, when you're in Seattle, when do you do the underground? And this guy said to me, he goes, I don't really want to get involved with that. He goes, I've been doing comedy for nine years.

I'm very happy. I do a bar at my house once a week when I'm in town. And he goes, the rest of my work is all triple. Wow. One night we wrote and he showed me his note. book. If you think I was detailed, this guy was very fucking detailed, you know?

Sets, money, jokes. Was he a great comic? He was mediocre at best. He had a wife. He had a kid. A great man once told me there's no small roles. There's only small actors.

When somebody contacts you and go, yeah, I got a movie for you. It's just one line. Some people are like, one line. What the Well, it depends how you milk that line. It depends how you use it. If you say it like a mouse, it's one line. And I've never forget that. There's not small roles.

There's just small actors. And when he said that to me, it hit me to what that kid was doing. Listen, at the end of the four days, I enjoyed myself with the guy. We had a great time. We laughed. I think we went to a strip club. We giggled. It was like nice to see pussy.

You know, he wasn't as crazy as I was. but when I would say something crazy, he would giggle, you know. And we had a great time. And what I realized was that there was a guy that was at peace. I thought I was at the comedy store and I was making it happen. No, he was making it happen on his own terms. And he was enjoying it. And he took those runs the way Burke Kreischer, Dave Chappelle,

and Andrew Schultz handled a garden. To him, like that Saturday night was 300 seats, I can't believe to him it was the garden. I did this every Saturday night at the comedy store, 140 seats, the main room. He did this like once every six months. And it gave me a certain admiration. That's why I said to you, with comedy,

you control it. Whatever you want to put up with that shit. He told me, because I don't want to put it with that shit. I got to go to open mics and be nice to people. He goes, they're crazy in those open mics. He goes, they're crazy. I mean, listen, he had an argument. He's not wrong.

He's not wrong. And he was content with who he was with the work he was getting. He told me, he's going to go, I'm going to headline, and he had a plan. He said, once he starts headlining all those small towns, he's going to book theaters. And he'll grow from those things, and that's perfect for him. He's out of the beaten path. He says, I always have work. I forgot what the guy's name was.

I don't know if he's still alive, you know. But it really made me admire that part of comedy. Like, he didn't want to go to LA. Didn't want to do shit. It's, like, one of the coolest things about, like, me being back here and doing comedy for a couple of years is, like, there is a huge, like, scene, like, local, there's a lot of really great local comedians who, could be touring but for certain reasons just would rather be in one spot.

Listen, they're still comedians. That doesn't make them either you or me or anybody else. They just picked a certain path. You know, for some people they got on a ship and they'll stay on there for 40 fucking years. Oh, yeah. 30 years, they'll stay on a ship.

Am I going to be mad at them? No. Listen, when I got into this, I chose the road. Somehow, another, ended up in Seattle. Somehow I know that I ended up in LA. I got no regrets. But I'm just telling you that everybody has a comfort zone and anybody has a place that they feel comfortable doing whatever the fuck they got to do on their rate. Listen, God bless them.

But that week with that kid showed me a lot. It showed me to be happy for what I had. That was very lucky. And that, uh, fuck it. We got to smoke dope and keep kicking ass. Let's get this party started, Jack. What's happening, you savages? It's Tuesday, June the 16th.

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Turn up your TVs. Run for your lives. It's over. They didn't put you on this planet just to give about if Uncle Joey could do it. I can rule the world. That's what you got to be thinking. Welcome back to show. What up, Mook? Good to see you, buddy. Good to see you. Happy fucking Tuesday.

So, we got to talk about this because if not, we'll be banned from the airwaves. Give our take on it. What do you think about the Trump situation? I didn't think it was... We'll be banned if we don't talk about it. To be honest, I found out about it between shows, and I thought of it. was fake at first. Because you never know with the internet.

And then when I saw it, it was, I don't know. It's the craziest thing. I'm surprised they missed. Like, they got, like, but I'm on it. Like, I was talking about it with some people. Thank God for a lot of reasons he didn't get killed.

But like, if they had killed him, like, it could have been like a civil war. It would have been. Like it would have been so bad beyond someone getting assassinated. But like, thank God that's all that happened is his year. And he looks fucking really cool. I got it like that picture was fucking, I don't know what you think about Trump. No, listen, I never thought bad about him, guys.

I'm not a political guy. No. Every day we got to get up to work so I don't give a fuck what you think about somebody. The funny thing was the hatred he has on him, Like, that's it. George Clooney, all of them switched. Botto Hollywood fiss. They're like, nah. That's it. We're with Trump now. They got the pictures up on Instagram now and shit. Fucking George Clooney and Trump on Epstein's Island playing the bongos.

They got everything. They got everything. You know, everybody's changing now. Listen, he's a fucking God. He's a God now. Oh, yeah. Fucking, they missed them. They try to take them down. Listen, like the man said, when you try to, hit the king, you best not miss. And, you know, it's a different fucking world now.

But the best thing about what happened what I saw was, I got home. Listen, it happened. I'm out. You know, 20 people text you. 20 people call you. You know, you're on the fucking, you're on the jersey. Try to avoid the Amish nails and shit.

And fucking, you get home and you get what you got to do. You wash your pussy. You turn the fucking TV on after a while and you're like, let's see what happened. So I made a mistake. I threw on CNN. I don't know. I don't know which one to throw on. I know one is for the one guy. They're all terrible. I don't give a fuck. And I'm watching this shit. And the best part about it was when he was down, they had cameras and all these dirt merchants. They all look like they looked like a fucking bus from Florida with

fucking Confederate shit on their head. They're giving the camera. finger going, fuck you, fuck you. My wife was at a restaurant, the girls, after a softball game. She said the owners had to turn it off because the people kept going, fuck you to the camera, fuck you, fuck you, Trump is number one. You know, and listen, I love it. I fucking love it. You know what? He turned around and Nick Dezia. He's bleeding.

He got up. He waved and shit. They went crazy. dog to some people that's like Jesus coming out of the cave and the flag was behind him he couldn't have paid for a better pick no no that's it that's i think fucking eight countries called them today to be their president yeah we'll take anything indictments felonies you're the president that's it because they already have let's we called them today and so listen listen look are you going to live here on a mansion we got bitches we got everything 74 year old bitches all the way down to 18. Holy shit.

He's all over in America getting shot. You're a real deal. Because you already had like that merch that was like him on tanks or him like riding an eagle. Like you've seen like this picture like this photo looked like that. It looked like him with the flag and he had blood on his face. Rocky just fell like the stash of Rocky. They're kicking it right now in Philly. They're putting up a statue of Trump bleeding from his neck, his ear, fucking, you know, with the fly.

It was just tremendous. When I saw, I watched like 10 times, you know, it was fucking tremendous. See, I grew up. Like, when I was a kid, I got hit with two fucking assassinations right off the bat. What? I don't remember Kennedy. I'd love to tell you that. I wasn't even born when Kennedy got shot, I think.

No, I was born. I was, eight, nine months. I was about nine months old when he got shot. I could tell you, I remember it like Terrence Coward, but I don't know, you know what I'm saying? I was just nine months old. I remember President get the shit. And then,

but I do remember Sehan Sehan shooting the young brother. I do remember that. And I was a young kid, and I was scared. It was black and white. Look at you. How many edibles you take tonight? One, cocksucker. Mm-hmm.

Slipping. Slipping. I'm choking. I can't even handle water over here. I'm doing fine. You can handle water. It's okay. It's okay.

And who was the second one? Who? Was there another? And then what about, would you consider like the beetle guy? Would you consider that an assassination? It's kind of. I don't know. I'm talking about political figures.

You got to throw in some long-haired fucking guy that was married to Japanese queen. I don't fucking. No. Is that his biography? What? Long-haired guy who was married to a Japanese person. It's in my fucking Wikipedia. Uncle Joey's Wikipedia, all right?

This is Uncle Joey's Wikipedia. I got to start that pretty soon. You really do. Yeah. We go through all that he's born in England. Who gives a fuck? Just give it to me straight. Give me the bottom line.

What do he do? How do it? Who do he marry? He got three ugly kids. One of them is fucking, you know. I don't know. It could be a card game where, like, on the back, it's like how you describe a show to me.

You're like, I don't know. And you could say it with that guy, who is the long-haired guy married to a Japanese lady? And they would have to know, it's John Lennon. That's worth like 10 points. The John Lennon thing was interesting, because I was alive and kicking. And at that point, my mother had died already.

I don't know, maybe a couple weeks. Maybe. I don't even know. was my mother died to 79. So John Lennon either went down in 79 or in 80. And it was fresh, like it was fresh. You know, it was great night for me. But we'll get to it later.

It was like September 8th of 80. Okay, so my mother was dead of year. She had been punching the ticket. It's a Monday night, and I'm uptown doing acid with my buddies, the whole thing. And something happened, we just run home. And I'm living with the bender. Mr. Benders and the living room, God bless his soul. And I walk in on the ass and this motherfucker's awake.

I'm like, God damn it. I sit next to him on the couch and I'm watching all this. And all of a sudden, Howard CoSell just comes on and says, oh my God, oh my God. John Lennon has been shot. And I remember like that was fucking insane. Then staying up and, you know. But I remember the most, the best thing I remember out of that is he got shot.

Monday night, 11 or something, right? Okay. Tuesday. I go to school early in the morning, and there's a mural of the Beatles, and somebody in my high school already put an X through John Lennon. I was like, all right.

Wasn't you? I wasn't me. I wasn't up, fuck. I've never been a graffiti. You know, I'm not no graffiti getting on trains, right, and I love you and shit, drawing pictures of penguins. Those trains move for you. cops beat your

listen graffiti artists they get beat up all the fucking time do they really yeah because what are you gonna give them a ticket they're gonna keep fucking doing it so you gotta take them down break a hand his shoulder they gotta paint with a computer you know they gotta paint by sound or something

how do you think these graffiti artists you know they'd like they'd stab them or something that's it no more why do you hate graffiti so much I don't hate graffiti I don't hate it I'm just saying that I would never do it because cops beat you up. It's like protesting.

You know, it's the same avenue. You get into protesting. You don't worry about getting arrested. You're worried about getting dogs let on you and fucking, you know, you got to tough in your skin a little bit, getting hit with baton. You've got to go, like, baton classes, and have them hit you in the head with a helmet and without a helmet.

Did you see that guy from the Yankees get hit with that baseball to the night to the head? No. Friday night, the bench is cleared out in Baltimore. The Yankees were playing Baltimore. this guy threw a fucking pitch it had to be 90 miles an hour go check it out of SPN this week or something

hit this guy in the fucking head with the helmet on he went down but he got up I mean it was a hard pitch when they took the helmet off he was bleeding from his fucking head. Like he had some type of contusion and shit he didn't know where he was he ran to 30

90 miles an hour like that's crazy so It is what it fucking is, dog You know what I'm talking about? How were your sets this week? They were good. I had good sets this week. I did, you know,

sometimes I feel like I do well in front of like the booker or the club owner or something like that. And they say nice things, but like nothing really ever happens or like I feel like I do well, but whatever. And then I was, I did some,

sets, two sets in front of, like, the owner of two rooms. And, like, he actually, like, I got positive feedback. And it was cool, like, I actually have someone, like, say, like, oh, yeah, okay, we'd love to have you back. Well, look, look. I'm going to give it to you straight, all right? They don't like you. You don't know if they like you until you come back the second time. Right.

I don't know. Everything else is bullshit. Every time you go to a club, you try to do good. Right. And you try to sell yourself for a second round. Man, this club's great. I'd love to come back. Even though the club, shit, sucks dick.

He's just happy to be working for a weekend and somebody hired you. So you're in there, go, this is the best club I've ever worked. That guy's the best headliner. Meanwhile, he's got a toupee, and he does magic tricks, and his lines of English and shit, you know.

And then you hope, but listen, it's all bullshit, so they put another check in your pocket. Don't even worry about it. For me, it's like going on an audition. You could leave there and we go to the auditioning your mind. I did this. I did that.

And then you don't get it. And you think that you suck, but you don't. The director had a nephew. Oh, yeah. And with this shit, sometimes, listen, there's friends of mine that I fucking adore. I've been friends with from anywhere from 40 years to 20 years to 15 years. Listen, I miss calls.

I'm with my daughter. I'm in the car. I know they're going to open up saying, fuck you or whatever, you miss calls, you know. And it's the same thing with club owners sometimes. Sometimes you fall in between the cracks

until something happens. There's a lot of good comics. I've got 2,000 stories about getting into a club and trying. And then, awesome, the guy calls you out of nowhere. When you forgot about even sending a tape, You forgot.

You were like, I don't even want to work there no more. That guy don't like me. You know what he called to do? To do a job that you never thought he called you to do. You were looking for feature work. He's calling you back with a co-headline week. Okay. So, you know, learn that now.

You're going to shake their hand. You're going to say, yeah, all right. I'll see you Christmas. All right. Once you leave there, brother, you're out of sight, out of mind. Oh, yeah. And I try not to take it personally. I really don't.

You cannot take it personal. This is a business. You know, sometimes when you leave a club, and this is what I started doing, like after I moved to L.A. and I learned about it. And this is a serious question. You've got to ask yourself

to test your value as a comic, to see if you're even on the same ballpark. Walk out of a club after three nights and go, how much money did I make them? Right. How much money did I make them? I sold 12 tickets. Thursday night, 82 Saturday night, Friday night, and 16 on Saturday.

What did I legitimately make them? Because that's it. You're a gangster. And your value to me is what you give me on Friday. Your value to me is when I come into my coffee shop and I got six soldiers coming in to give me envelopes, how much do I mean to you? Now, you're in charge of bookmaking, but because you need a big envelope to get to me, You're going to start selling drugs on the side.

Go partners on drugs, do that. Because it's about the envelope, you know. And I feel bad telling people sometimes. Because you know that I get contacted by everybody. It'll be a part of this or that. And everything is on the arm. Listen, if they're paying me scale, scale. If you call me and you go, I have a pilot and it's paying you scale.

Three days. I'll do it for you. But don't call on me and say we're going to shoot a pilot and then it's going to get picked up later. I don't want to fucking hear that shit. I just don't want to fucking hear that. What are we talking about? The edibles are kicking it. We're talking about, you know, clubs.

I wasn't sure where you were going with that story, but we were talking about... I always go somewhere else to go back to the fucking thing and sometimes I get off the beating pat. Oh, I'm there too. We were talking about, like, uh, club. club is not bringing you back or like... Yeah, and that's it. You got to ask yourself, how much value that I bring to that club?

Yeah, but I fucking did great. I got a partial standing ovation on Thursday. Well, standing ovations don't pay the licking bitch. Right. Yeah, and it's like, yeah. There's still people, I learned a fucking

valuable lesson in Hollywood. I'm going to say it right now. So people fucking know. Okay? The valuable lesson was it was amazing how people treated me when I wasn't selling tickets and it was amazing how people treated me when I was selling tickets for young comics before you get a meeting now they're going to tap into your live nation

and see how many tickets you're selling and see how many tickets you sold for the year and see how many tickets you sold last year and the year before to see if there was growth they're going to look at a lot of fucking things these shows or these networks. When I got a little shitty deal from Fox five years ago,

they went through everything. I mean, they went through everything. And it taught me that here I was thinking if you have a good idea, they'll give you a meeting. No, because a lot of people want to be in it. They want to know where the fuck you're coming from. You're going to come to me with this idea,

eh, and you've never done nothing. And as a comic, they want, you know, and a lot of comics, like, I got an idea for a show. They'll listen, but then they're going to look at the background. They're going to look at YouTube numbers. They're going to look at podcast numbers. They look at fucking everything. You know, I had a kid hit me up three months ago. I'm shooting a pilot.

I got this director. You would be great in two scenes. No, I wouldn't. It's not going to help your fucking project. Not going to help you at all. Put me in that. And number two, you haven't sold the tickets since day one. You've been doing comedy 20 years.

You feel like cutting through, but you don't want to step on somebody's dream. I saw it, Lee. I saw how much ticket movement influenced everything else. Now, listen, I haven't sold the ticket in two years, right, since Sony Hall. And before that, it was two years before that. Okay. I won't. People don't call me. People don't check in no more. The people who were supposed to were always on me, I could call them now and go, hey, I'm thinking

of doing this. Can you help me? I'll never hear from them again. Really? Yep, because in their mind, stand up. I haven't had an audition in two months. This thing started, this machine started becoming noticeable about two months ago and then I got a few offers so I don't even know if they represent me but the funny thing was I don't really care but it just goes to show you guys without the tickets

you're funny ha ha ha we'll go play golf but when the chips go down you know you can't get mad and that's what comics will never understand an early stage that it's about the tickets and it's fucking sad

you know and I had it I don't even want to fucking tell this story but you know I was a young comic listen bro I'm not into grabbing nobody's ass or grabbing the chick's tit that that's not my bag even when I was doing coke I don't want to grab you then I want to suck that fucking thing and I don't want to grab your ass I want to eat your ass

you follow me and you know me for a long time I'm not even a strip club guy right No, so, like I said, in 1994, some chick said I smacked her ass. It wasn't even the chick. It was the manager at the club that saw me. And for 20 years, they made it like it was the crime of the century. And one day I bumped into her. And she asked me if I was angry at it.

And I said, no, why? Because you threw me out of your club, and I was either going to kill somebody or they were going to kill me. So you saved my life, and here I am. And two days later, they made me an offer. Now, did I change that much in 20 years or he sells tickets now? It's okay. Yeah, exactly.

The money, like, overweighs morals at certain points. And we're overweight. I felt bad. I took the money. I got to, at the time, I had a two-year-old. But if it was any other circumstance, how would it have taken the money? Because now you want to take my money now that, you know, that I'm selling. tickets, but 20 years ago it was a crime.

For 10 years, people came in here and told you to book me, and you said no. I was banned, and all of a sudden, I'm not mad at anybody, but that just goes to show you. And I need comics, young comics, to really

understand that. That we're paying attention. Club owners, club bookers, they're all paying attention to your talent. But once it gets into the meat and bananas of it, it. You know, when I'm a booker and I book rooms around Boston, Rhode Island, and Maine, I call the club. I tell them I'm going to bring poor comics in there, give them a weekly show or

monthly show, and they pay me a fee. $350 to book the room. I get $10 rooms. I make $3,000 a month. Yeah, not a bad way. God forbid, I go, Lee, you're hysterical. Give me your commission. I'll book you. He ain't going to book you. He's just taking extra money off the top. He's only got 16 rooms. What's that going to do for you? It's not even 32 weeks. It's not even 32 weeks. You can't, you know what I'm saying?

It's 16 isolated dates. So that's what young comics don't fucking understand. It breaks my heart. But at the same time, I didn't understand it either. But when people would talk to me about their issues, I would go, who gives the fuck? Just be funny. All that goes away by being fucking funny. I would hope so

All that bullshit goes away But then now you're funny Ralphie made another guy Who gave me advice one time He goes you're never going to do nothing with your career Because you're playing to the back of the room He was right The back of the room don't pay your bills

The front of the room pays your bills Those losers in the back A yelling when you crack a joke They don't pay your bills The audience pays your bills Do the material towards them. That's why they say when you're a comics comic, you don't sell tickets.

Because the comics like you. The audience don't. The comics like to see what you do to the audience and think you're cool by torturing them or tell them they suck, dick, or whatever the fuck it is that you think. But now. Because I talk to a lot of open mics.

I'm in open mics all the time. And I love going to comedy clubs. but the most of like they they would like the show to be good but at certain clubs you get the impression that let's like they don't really if they sell out they're much happier with a mediocre show that sells out than a great show that is like a half full I always rather have a great show I'm me too listen I went down a route of

I can't say perfection but I went down a route of you know, after a while you start caring, caring about the consumer. I always very much cared about the consumer in tickets. And that's, that's, you've got to love your audience. You've got to love your fucking audience. You can't, for years in comedy, it's you against them. You ever feel that way? Against the audience?

Yeah, it's you against them. There's one part of your career which like, fuck them. Guys, you got to love them for them to love you. And they have to know that you love them. Once they know you love them, they'll jump off a cliff for you. Oh, I like that, though.

What won't they do for you? You know? Okay. I was thinking of bombings. Like, I was talking on the Patreon podcast today about a bombing I took at Freaky Monday. Freaky Monday was one of the best nights in Hollywood. Every agent was there.

Every fucking comedian was there. And I took an eight-minute bombing there one night. I took it so personal. And I think I was telling you, but I actually picked up and left L.A. and fucking went on the road to shit rooms. Because, you know, people were like, well, did you listen to the tape?

Did you? There was nothing to listen to. It was just that bad. Everybody makes so many excuses for you. Well, no, it was me. That's the beauty of stand-up that you have to also know when to stop and get out of your body and look inside yourself and go, hey, this sucks. Come on. This sucks.

And if you don't think I did that a lot, I did that a lot. That's why I'm not going on stage now. This sucks. This is a third of what I could do. This is a fault of what I could do. This sucks. I'm the type of guy I could say that to myself. I think I'm in front of that audience.

I haven't written a joke. I didn't remember the old ones. Wow. When you see me do all those sets? There were sets I wrote that night on the way up there. I know. When I go to Rogans, I come out with like 11 minutes, the first show. And then the second show, I do 14.

Then by the time I do the third show, I'm up to 2018, I'm okay. I don't have no material. You ask me if I write jokes. Yeah, I write stupid fucking jokes. You know, not in this notebook. But, no, this is my podcasting notebook, you know what I'm saying? So, that would be crazy. I got my mushrooms today, too.

Oh, yeah. Jesus Christ. Things. Holy shit. Tillings came through like a motherfucker. They sent me some Louis Vuittans. They sent me those other little dirty ones, the ghost. Ooh.

Oh, those are small ones? Yeah. They sent me fucking. and I love the peppermint. Oh, the one looks really creepy. The one mushroom grow, they look creepy. Once this show finishes, I'm going to launch on these. I'm going to go for a nice ride.

I'm going to watch Jimmy's son play basketball roller joint and go out there with some off and kill some fucking mosquitoes. Hopefully the mushrooms will make me watch them just fall from the sky to the ground. What a plan for your Monday evening. Please no, please no. And I step out of them, your cock suck. I won't step on them. I believe in karma.

I'm a half a Buddhist, you know what I'm saying? You got to do it. You can't be bugging. The other day, my wife killed a bug. I almost lost. I see that same bug walking around. It's a pretty little fuck, and she goes, no, it's not. It's one of those things that you killed because they eat your grass or they eat the fucking trees.

Why don't you kill bugs? Because it's not Christian. Like, remember I told you when I was a kid, I was so angry at the world. they used to kill bugs, innocent bugs, ants. What's an ant got to do with me? He's just carrying a piece of hand from the old shot. I got to tell you what I saw the other night. Dog, this shit scared the fuck out of me.

Like, I haven't been scared in 20 years. Okay, I'm going on. It's about 9.30 Friday night. I'm going to take a little walk. The girls are in the pool, the coaches, all people. I go, let me take a little walk and pull a little fucking wind under myself, right? Okay.

I step out of the fucking hole. tell. I'm about to like this fucking bone of debt and all of a sudden a fucking a squirrel. And it wasn't, I don't know,

it jumped out of this fucking garbage. Glazed donut around his mouth. This motherfucker was running with the glazed donut and then it fell and he stopped like it. It was stales or broken half. He locked, he dropped a little piece.

This motherfucker was carrying the other big piece of the donut, like a little corner like he was all those ties. You ever see those fucking guys with tattoos that carry the ties, the truck tires, and try to push him over? This little squirrel must have weighed a pound. This donut was three days old. It must have weighed 18 fucking pound.

And this poor squirrel was pulling it, pulling it, pulling it, and then I just walked away because I just want him to eat the donut. You know, like eat the donut, little squirrel. Don't take out. He's like, look at this. That fucking guy. He's going to take my donut. No, I'm not going to take your donuts.

And why was it so scary? Did you see it jumped out or something? It just jumped out. I wasn't expecting that. Where was it? Like, how close did it get to you? Three fucking feet. The garbage can was right there.

I looked out and said, what a beautiful night. And the fucking squirrel flies out with a flying donut in his mouth. Oh, shit. Thank God I didn't have those mushrooms. Because I would have really shit my dines. What about like, I've heard about like New York having a rat problem. Do you ever like have like a bunch of rat stories? New York's had some rat problems since I was a fucking kid.

They're getting bigger and bigger. That's why I don't go to New York. You've seen them? Last time I saw a rat in New York was about five fucking years ago. Oh, where did you see it? I was doing the old stand, the old stand. Okay. I went outside to smoke a joint and collect my thoughts before I went on stage.

Right. And I got the. worst fucking panic attack from all the cars going by. We live in LA. We're on a corner with shorts on. These fucking cars are flying past me. People are beeping. Beep, beep, peat, lights and shit. I'm going into a small panic attack. And I turn around and there's a bodega and there's a bunch of garbage bags in the bodega on the side. And I'm looking at the garbage for some reason. And all of a sudden it was like a punching bag. I saw the thing go, two rats got into a fight in the garbage. And all of a sudden the one rat came out.

That motherfucker was huge. He had a tail that was two feet. Oh, no. No, he didn't. Yes, he did. I go, fuck this. I'm going back into the fucking stand. I don't need this shit. Car beeping, fucking rats. What the fuck is going on here? I would be okay seeing it in like the subway.

Oh, it really? The subway that they keep going. You're like, what the fuck? Am I seeing things? You ever see those? You wait for the subway and they're walking past you? I don't have seen one yet. I don't like my stuff. I gave blood to some guy on Friday.

And he was taking the blood out, and we were talking about fear. And he goes, the only fear I've had, this guy was a big fucking black dude. He goes, the only thing I'm scared of is mice. I see a mice. I see a mouse. I move out of the apartment. I feel like I see a mouse. I want to burn the fucking place down.

I don't like mice. I always have cats. Always. Always. Always. Especially where I live now. This is those little fucking mice

They live all over the back yard yard. I don't see him. Jimmy has them more. Really? Quarantine's got them off there. Yard rats or they're just little things. Jimmy finds everything by his house. That motherfucker had deer living in his backyard.

Baby deer, possums. He's got everything over there because he's right across the wilderness. That's great. Yeah, that's crazy. I hate mice in my house. Oh, I hate all that shit. What do you got this week, Mel?

The 19th and the 20th, which is Friday and Saturday. I'm in Fort Wayne, Indiana at the Summit City Comedy Club with Josh Wolf. Okay. Really excited about that. On the 21st, I'm in Lowell, Massachusetts, and I'm really excited. This is September 6 and 7th. I'm headlining Nick's comedy stuff in Boston. Look at you and shit.

So I'm really excited about that. I got a close to made. September 6th to 7? Yeah, Friday and Saturday. One show each night, eight o'clock. Is that Labor Day weekend or after Labor Day? It's after. I think, I think it's after.

What you, Lee Syatt? Bustra that Labor Day date. Really excited that they asked me. And, you know, I grew up here. So it's really cool, like headline. It's a legit club. It's a legit club in Boston right next to the fucking Wilburne Theater. I'm really excited.

I'm having a lot of my really funny friends from the area on shows. So I've known for a little bit, but it's really excited to do it. Man, I'm proud of you, cocksucker. Thanks, buddy. You're a fucking animal headlining Nixon shit. Oh, yeah. You bring a tomato garden? What are you doing?

Am I what? You're bringing it like a tomato guard in case they throw tomatoes at you? Yeah, if you want to throw tomatoes at me, fine. But I would love it. I'm not going to throw tomatoes. Not you. I'm just saying. No.

I know. Oh, trust me. Can you imagine if they had tomatoes in the one in Hartford? Like I've had, I've had bombs, but I'm not going to bomb at Nix. It's going to be great. It's going to be a lot of fun. Is it the Chinese place? No, I don't think.

It's not next to Kowloon anymore. No, this show. This show is at Kaloons, but I don't think it's next. Oh, I wish you were headlining Kowloons. you had a chance of me going up there and shit. They got put off off the Calloons.

And they got a little darker. It's like a little... It's a lot darker. It's like a lot dark. It's like it's like brown, but it's fucking... I love them. Dude, if you want to come up,

I'll got to be honest, I'll go and get Calhoun and bring it to the show. But I know you... It's a long fucking drive. You can't drive Chinese food. You got to eat it there like a doctor. Okay. I'll put it to your hotel right by Calhoun.

What's that? Now, September 7th, is that Labor Day? Let me check. I don't think so. I think it's the week after, because I think I'm in Saratoga. I'm in Saratoga, New York the week before then. I'm almost positive. That's Labor Day. Let's see. No, Labor Day is the second. So we probably get that Monday off. So it's a week after Labor Day. I think I come back. I'm going to Delaware or something that week. We're going to wait. You're going to lay. Oh, what are you going to do in Delaware?

I'm going to look for Biden. What the fuck you take? I'm going to do. There's a beating out there. I don't know what you're doing, Delaware. I don't know much about Delaware. I'm going to the world. I'm going down to Rahobit. Whatever, Daoie, Rahobit.

And then I got to go to Cape May for a softball tournament. We were supposed to go to a casino. Draft Kings wasn't ready with it yet. So listen, it is what it fucking is, buddy. I'm enjoying my summer. I'm having a great time. you know, you asked me if I still write, and I told you today, I gave you a lesson that was extraordinary.

You know, your first reaction to things, wrong, right, or indifferent is usually your best reaction. And you have to throw something deep to get a reaction. And one thing, listen, I wasn't good at writing jokes. I wasn't good at a lot of things as a comic. But one thing I was really good at was getting the party started with a joke that got to the issue and was short and quick. Okay. Explosive.

You know, somebody said Yakima, Washington the other day, and I started giggling. Yakima, Washington was when I noticed I could get away with that. I checked into the hotel at Yakima, Washington, which was a triple room. I think I did it with Josh Wolf. Okay. They gave you a hotel. Now, when I was driving into Palm String, into Yakima, Washington,

it said, Welcome to Yakima. It's the Palm Springs of Washington. Oh. Okay? I don't know nothing. I just read the sign. I don't know.

I made a mental note. I get to the hotel room. I go to lay down. It's like four, We get there like three hours before the show. Right. And the bed was so old. They had a magic fingers bed.

Oh, what is that? The ones you put a quarter in and moves around while you're fucking and sucking. No. You call it a massage bed, but it's really like how they fucked in the 70s. So you go in there with a bunch of quarters and you fucking put them in the slot. And then you lay in the bed and it will chase you around like until you get fucking dizzy and puke, right? Like an idiot. But some people use it to fuck in the seven.

Now this is 97. The bed's 28 years old or they bought it from somebody, you know. I would hope they changed the mattress. Well, whatever. It's the box spring that jolts in the fucking thing, right? So I'll never forget going downstairs. And I said, thank you. Yakima was a great welcome. You know, I don't know if I used Palm Springs at the time, but I go, the hotel I'm staying there has a magic fingers bed. I put two quarters in it. I took a nap and I woke up with a thumb in my ass. I don't remember the joke.

It was a little harder hitting because it was like six words to joke. You know, and I still remember in the plane to Vegas with Rogan. Fucking 15, 20 years ago, we're going to Vegas. Yeah, 2004. We're going to Vegas, the House of Blues.

And I see that sign. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. And right there, my first reaction was, if I fuck you in the ass, I'm telling somebody. That was your first reaction? That was my first reaction. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. But if I fuck you in the ass, I'm telling somebody.

I fucking went up there with that. Bam, it worked for years. Yeah, it was fucking, oh, my God. It's my first reaction, and it clears the room. It tells the room who I am. It lets the room. room know what time it is. I don't want no games. I don't want no hoops or haze. I don't want nothing. Would you open with that at like the start of the show? Every big show like the three

years after that. I opened with that. Wow. That's a crazy first joke. Even though I don't like use, and I used to write jokes just for that city to come out like that. That's crazy. And, you know, and everything is no, everything counts. Before you fly in, you go online. You go online. or as soon as you land, you buy the local paper. You know, these are all exercises to write. I don't want you to write out of a paper because then you throw away material. But there's got to be one fucking article in there.

A guy walked into a bank with a mask of fucking of jaws. There's got to be something in that newspaper. And those people have heard it. So they know by you throwing it up, you just won them over. So if you come out with one of those local jokes and then run it for about eight minutes and then throw their secret out, that's it. You can just take your dick out and give out sperm pills. They just come up to you like when you go to Catholic Church, the body of Christ. It's like eating fucking little sperm shots to the mouth.

So let me ask you this. Would your expectation for that joke be like lower? or like if that joke about the city doesn't get like huge laughs, it's okay because at least now like they'd like you a little bit more. Is that what you're saying? A little bit. And if it doesn't, listen, very seldom. Listen, you don't know how many times my first joke was great.

Then I'd bomb, okay? Many a night. But at that time, I was just fighting for that first joke. Listen, no matter what people say they like you within the first 30 seconds. How many people walk up to you and you look at me and go, look at this fucking fat fuck. Look at their beauty. Look at this. chick. She needs a new shoe. Look at this.

You know, it's the little things we say to each other that are cute and funny, but that's the same way the consumer looks at you when you're on stage or the person who's watching comedy. Right. So, you know, that I want to get, when I walk on stage, they don't know what to expect. I look like a gorilla.

I got big hands. They don't know. I'm Cuban. I look Italian. I'm from jerk. So I had to fucking let them know. Clear the air. Espiritos. And that's a big one to open with But it's like it's crazy to think about like first how important first impressions matter

People don't want to hear you if I go to a fucking green room if I get a green room and I eat If I go to dinner, right if I go to dinner at the sushi place let's talk about Tempe You remember fucking Tempe improv tempi improv tempi improv for a while and all you could eat sushi who the fuck eats sushi in Tempe? Okay? Not many people. No. So I remember going there, young comic, you know, well, I was never young.

You know, 1399 before the show, I ate some of the sushi. And within 20 minutes, I'm farting weird. And I got to go in and shit for two hours. And they bring me up on a stage. That's exactly what I said. I ate downstairs at the sushi joint. I haven't stopped shit. Bam!

And people were like, yeah, I ate there too. I got sick. Yeah, everybody gets sick. Who eats fucking sushi in Tempe? I mean, there's a long fucking time ago, you know. Even Ralph, he made out like sick in the hospital one time. He went down there. He thought he was in Japan with John Lennon, eating fucking sushi off nasty girls and shit.

He came back with some bacterial, a twitch, his fucking... So every town has that. And then you go on it. And every town has a monument. These are little things to break the ice. You're not going up there with the same stupid opening joke. Hi, thank you for being here. Me and my girlfriend just broke up until we were together.

Who gives a fuck? Hit me with something that I don't know and hit me hard because I've had a rough fucking day. And take me for a ride. Right. Take me for a fucking ride. People want to be taken for a ride. I do.

I mean, I don't want you to pull up with the white van and go get in. No, no. I'm talking about people. A comedic ride. Yeah. Yeah, you want. It's fun, man.

It's so much fun. And it's crazy how, like, I've noticed the shows, like, if I didn't have good energy, like, I didn't do as well.

And it's, there's more to just, like, than the jokes. And it's, it's crazy. Like, even just, like,

getting energy in the room, like, I've started to, like, try to be more, like, physical. Like,

it's just, There's so many things that can really, like, it just adds to the show. You've been doing comedy for seven years, if you're lucky. In November, it'll be seven years, yeah. Does it fucking Maddily? It's four months away. Anyway, I don't know. In November, it'll be seven.

It's a learning experience. And I don't, you know, like I told you a couple weeks ago, I think that all these people, I mean, the world is jumping on comedy right now. And it makes me excited. Like it, you know, every, when I started in 91, that was the blow up of the 90s and 2000s. Those are the guys you're seeing now, you know. These guys that are getting into the business now with all these clubs opening, you know, it's a great time to be a comic. But I always wanted people to know what's a journey.

And I fucking stress it every week on this podcast that this. that this is not, you know, a fucking, you're just going to get in it, and it's guaranteed. There's definitely going to be down time. There's a girl I talked to. I've known her close to 26 years. We were running neck and neck for a while.

Now she just does spots in L.A. At places that you would do, 4 o'clock with a box behind you. And everybody's really excited to be there. oh my God, this is so exciting. I've done that show. Huh? I've done that show.

You've done that show. You get there and there's like two boxes and everybody's really excited and you're the only guy that gets on stage anyway. And they're like, thank you for coming. And then you get there and it's just people being cute and people there to support. Their friend, yeah, each table is for one comic.

Four hours and shit. What are we doing here? This is comedy. you know that's that's the route she took and now she saw that everybody blew her by

and now we've been talking a lot lately about her going to Austin maybe and you know like I said if you want to do comedy there's 10 spots of fucking in three days for you if you really want to do comedy

if you go down there to huggy up with Joe Rogan it's not going to work out for you unless you get I want you to put in your goals. I'm going to go down there and do comedy and fucking become a killer. And then showcase for Rogan September 2025. That's the fucking thing. But if you're going down there for salvation,

there's no salvation down. There's too many killers down there right now. Too many killers. And it's like crazy when you start having to like make decisions. Like I feel like there's a look because I know there's going to be ups and downs, but do you think it's possible, like, to make, is it possible to make every right decision and have no down?

No, no. Okay. If you made every decision right, you wouldn't be doing this. That's true. 900 million in the bank going on fucking 10 billion in two weeks. So don't have, are you fucking crazy?

Lee. I have so much anxiety about stuff like that. I wish I didn't. Just be funny. You know the rules to be funny. You sat in the rules. room with the best comics in the world for seven years. And they all reiterated the same shit I reiterated.

What do you have anxiety about? There's two words, yes and no. Okay? Two words. And no is the strongest fucking word in the dictionary. And as comics, we don't learn to say no. So it's almost too fucking late. Right. Because a part of a comic wants to be on stage every fucking day.

If there's what you want to do while you're reading pussy, you're thinking about I got to get out of this fucking monkey and go do a spot right now. Right. Okay, that's it. Just be funny. I don't know what, you got no business. There's no business. It's a couple yards sticks at a fucking third-rate comedy club. That's not business.

You just take it in. You're going to lose. You're going to make. You're going to lose. You're going to make. It's just bad weeks. that's why you keep a little gig it's not business this is comedy still

that's the business okay to your home court which is comedy and two words yes and no how is this going to help me that's a decision on your own but these weeks that you're putting together

these weeks they're no money right then I you know it's not at the beginning. And you're losing the first year until you call me one day, I can't do this no more. Stay out of there, like I told you.

Stick to this. You know, this is the game plan. You're not going to make a bad mistake as long as you're getting on stage. Okay. As long as you're not calling CAA and telling them who the fuck you are and you're not bothering the improvs

and telling them who you are. you're fine. Because the last I checked, Aaron Bon Tempo's been there 27 years and she ain't going nowhere. And she remembers every time you're bombed. So lots of clubs, you don't want to fuck with.

Everything else, Dickie's hideaway, who gives a fuck? Go there, do the show, and light it on fire. The world will be that much fucking lighter at the end. You know this, and I know this. There's no business. The business is be as funny as you can right now. Your phone's going to ring and some of it's going to be good and some of it's going to be bad.

But no anxiety, no stress. You're not going anywhere. I mean, a little bit, I'm starting, I am getting booked. I know, but you're not going anyway. So slow down, take your time, breathe. This is an anxiety. This is every comment goes through this. and you have to navigate your way through

on what's bullshit and what's not. And the only way to figure it out is to do it and take the hit or, you know, whatever. Sometimes you might lose 400, but you've got a chick to sit on your face for four nights. Is it really a loss? No. You're doing what you want on your fucking terms.

Okay. No, I... What do you want? Everybody in America, your generation, everybody wants to put extra effort and extra stress on themselves. I have never seen America do this to themselves. I see this every day.

People putting stress on themselves that doesn't exist. There's no stress. Let's get, what's the fucking square root in this career? Being funny. What are we talking about here? Being funny. Nobody gives a fuck about your stupid videos with your feather in the hat. and nobody gives a fuck.

Kevin Hart's worth a half a billion fucking dollars and you want to put a picture up of you eating a lobster tail with a feather in your hat. Let me know who the fucking idiot. You know, just be funny. No costumes. No tattoos are going to make you funny.

That hairdo is not going to make you funnier. The blue shirt ain't going to make you funnier. Well, if I get tattoos and drink on tape, that ain't going to make you funnier. Nothing. that's it well if I dye my hair with a

Cherokee in the middle people will think no that don't think of what you are a fucking poser trying to be a comic just be a comic you don't need tattoos you don't need the gold chains you don't need to drink on stage

sip on a glass who's drinking tonight you ever see those kind of who's partying Friday night who's not partying right that's jibble That's gibberish.

That does nothing. I'd rather not say a word and come out there and suspend. How are you guys doing tonight? Who's drinking tonight? Woo! If I hear a fucking woo at a comedy show, I don't want to hear woo's.

That means you're a cheerleader. Right. Woo, woo, woo. You know, let's support the truth. Woo! Who's American? Who eight Spanish people? Woo!

I don't want those woo people. Leave them on CNN. You know what I'm saying? Woo. Woo. What the fuck is Woo? Would you say that to them at the shows?

What? I don't want the... Ice to date a girl for fucking five years. Everything was woo. Shut the fuck up. Play woo for a hopefully show. Not the fucking stand-up comedy.

Woo-hoo. You know, what the fuck is wrong with people? I had no idea. It's Tuesday morning, motherfuckers. Take it and run. I'll see you next week,

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