The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - Who orders popcorn at an adult movie theatre?

Episode Date: May 21, 2024

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt talk about Lee's trip to The Mothership, Joey's dream job in comedy, getting his start at the famous Comedy Works in Denver, how great it feels knowing you're not crazy, and much more! Support the show & get 20% off and free shipping with the code JOEY at https://www.manscaped.com Support the show and try Blue Chew for free – just pay $5 shipping. Head to https://www.bluechew.com and use promo code DIAZ Onnit - for 10% off of Onnit's line of supplements go to Onnit.com and use code CHURCH The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz

What's happened? Not much. How you doing? I do the worst Jewish thing happened to me today. What happened? I was depositing a check and the ATM ate it and like it disappeared. So like I had to go into the bank and call the bank. And now it's just a hope that it's in the ATM somewhere.

Who gave you the check? A comedy club. I can tell them to replace it. It was like 300 bucks. Still, 300 is 300. You're Jewish. We want our paper. You know what I'm saying?

I can see you live a little light tonight for your 300 there. What do you mean? A little Hamas light in the back. Oh, you got your little Hamas light? You're like trying to live like them in a little tent. I asked Joe, he said it looked at him and added to the background. I don't know. Do you don't like it?

No, no. I love everything you do. I'm just saying that. I don't know if you had a candle lit for. I do for the 300 books. It's fucked up. Yeah, for the 300. For the small 300.

Oh, it sucks. It sucks when they fuck with your money. It really does. And it's, uh, you've never been broke. That's when they really torment you. That's when they really fuck with you. Now I'm remembering you, you used to get pissed when you'd get paid by check. Yeah, because then I got a department.

positive and wait and they only want to give you 10 bucks out of the $500. Just give me the money. I don't have time for this shit. You're adding an extra two hours to the fucking gig. And for me, it was like a check to hand for the first, you know.

So I didn't have time to do all this dumb shit. You got to pay me cash. Did you tell clubs that? Yeah, they knew. They knew when I took the draw. I'll just take draw you to death until there's nothing left. Then you got no choice. What cash?

Oh, my. So you would, and what would they say? I can't imagine going to a manager and I'd be like, I need them when they need that in cash. Every week I had the same story. What's that? I'm not going to believe this. I fucking lost my ATM card on the plane.

God damn it. What the fuck am I going to do? And they go, okay, what do you need? Every week I lost my ATM card. I didn't even have an ATM card. Didn't even have an ATM card. And I would tell the club manager, man, I lost my ATM card. And they would just give you cash.

Jesus Christ. So let's say they give me $400 for the week. I'd take 100 Thursday, 100 Friday, and 100 late Friday night. Because I had to go shopping on Saturday. That meant that's code for my Coke dealers here. Shopping? And then you would have like $100 bucks left? And then you would just go, what am I going to give me a check bar?

I just give you the last in 100. Could you do it more than once at a club, like if you went back? Oh, I went to, I was in a club in Canada one night in Toronto. This had to be 97, 96, and I go to the 97, 98, and I go to the club. It's called Hollywood something on the main street there in Toronto. I told you when I fucking, I don't know what I was getting. I wasn't getting any money. was getting like $600 for the week and had to do 12 shows and live at the guy's house

who drove the strip of hookers around at night and shit. He would wake me up like at six. I got one that's got a discount you want. I'm not really. It's only like a thing a comic that could understand. Right. But you loved it. It was day to day.

It was a day to day life, which I'm the king of. A lot of people can't live like that. Just day to day life. And I remember going, I got there on a Tuesday night. I asked them for 100. I went to the strip club. I blew it in five minutes. I came back and asked them for four.

400? Yeah. You were going to be like negative? Like you were on the first day? You're earning 100 bucks a day. I only had 100 left. But I was there for two weeks. So it was really 1,200.

So I just had to pace myself two of the days. But you don't seem like a pace yourself kind of guy. You know, you're going to do what you got. Sometimes you're going to eat the free burger at the club. You've got to sacrifice a little bit. Oh, yeah. I'm very grateful that I don't have to, at least now live like that. We'll see what happens.

We'll see if in a couple years it comes to that. But that's a new, that's a level. I'm glad I don't want to do it. Did you be surprised how many comics do it in the beginning? Like, they just. There's a lot. There's a lot of comics. Listen, ma'am, a lot of young comics.

In the beginning, I was going through other things, not addiction or anything. I was going to a divorce. And it's sad because I always made a little bit of money. You know, I didn't make a ton of money. I didn't have a mazorati. But I was always one of those guys that could squeeze something out every three weeks

to get ahead, you know, $2,000 is selling a car or something. and fucking comedy. Like just, I didn't know. I never cared about anything when I was doing comedy the first four or five years. I just didn't care. Like, I don't have to worry about Discover Bill.

Like, if I send it, I send it. If I don't, what do you want me to do? I'm trying to be a fucking renegade here. I'm trying to be a, you know, when you get to comedy, you're going against the top. of life. You don't believe in traditional type shit.

If not, you would become traditional. You would go to college and join a frat and fucking drink beer and then graduate and get a regular fucking job. You went to college and then had to tell your parents you wanted to become a fucking comedian. And, you know, these are the things. People, some parents go, fuck you. You could do it, but you're cut off.

Okay, I'll fucking do it. You know, it's different situations. But like I told you a long time ago, Nobody drives up to an open mic with a Maserati. No, and if they do, they're not staying there for a while. No, you know, so it went on for years with me, man. You know, like feature acting. That's why I worked all the time.

I needed that flux of income. Yeah, I can't like, I'm just, like, I'm getting a hundred a show and I'm very grateful for it. If usually, like, if I've worked for some cool people and they will give you a little bit of extra sometimes and that's awesome but it's just I'm at a point where if I'm breaking even it's like this is a great week like it's and I don't even it's

I've just been lucky that I haven't like there's a comic I open who did a show with me or two shows me in Minnesota I think his name is Aden he's open opening up for Dan Soder but he lives in he like rented a closet at a point I did it's I wish you figure it out

and it's sad that it comes like I was living in a great little apartment in Boulder it was my little rocky apartment and next thing you know I was in a car and it was fun it was lonely it was interesting you learn about all these things because you're depending on yourself for everything as a comic and then I worked with comics that had families you know and they would tell me they had two more weeks on the road. And I would go, thank God I don't have a family because I don't want to do that.

I don't want to leave kids and a wife for three fucking weeks. And these guys weren't big-time headliners. They were basically making the minimum the national minimum, you know? And it's still better than a regular job, but after you had hotels and meals and, you know, and a lot of comics, listen, man, I worked with comics that all they did was true.

runs. Okay. That was their comedy career. And what do those pay? At that time, I don't know what they do now. I don't even think he's still around. He does not. It was like 175,

no, 150 and 75 for the feature. And how many shows? What do you do in a run? Four or five, and you picked up half your pay. Oh, no. So you're making like $600. 700 bucks is a headliner?

Yeah, and if you're a feature act and he's paying you $75, he's really paying you $50 and he's going to mail you a check for $25. So when you get home, you'll have a check for like $180 or something like that. Well, who would cover gas on those? I would. Oh, shit.

Yeah, because some, but gas was fucking $2. For $2. I also got myself a Dotson. I had, you know, 38 miles to the gallon. I knew that for the life I needed, there was no way you were going to get a big car. That's got to cut all costs, everything, you know, to live that nomad life. And I had a fucking Dodson with 100 or something thousand miles that you couldn't break it. And, you know, who the fuck knows, Lee? It was a different, I'm 61, I was 31, I was 31 years old, maybe,

30, 32, 33 when that was going on. And I had nothing going on. No family, no, nothing. What a better way to look at the country. Oh, I know. And a great way to become a comic. If you are just out. You know, having a family as a comic could be,

listen, you could be a comic with any situation if you're cut out for it and you're willing to put the work in. But it's a little tougher with a family. It got so tough, it got all for me. I didn't like it anymore. What part being away? Yeah. Yeah, being away.

Even till now, I go down to Austin, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, because there's no way I'm sitting in a hotel Saturday day. Okay. That's happening again. Interesting. There's no way. I've spent enough Saturdays in the hotel room. So that way you're doing it

When she's at school anyways And then you'll be home for the games I'm home for life on the weekends I already sacrifice I've been sacrificing my weekends This is 1970 fucking 8 For drugs This is swimming

It's not It's kick back Jack Let's get this party started Motherfucker Greetings It's Tuesday the 21st of May The checkin is brought to you by Manscape

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Turn out your TVs, run for your lives. It's over. They didn't put you on this planet just to give up. If Uncle Joey could do it, I can rule the world. That's what you've got to be thinking. Welcome back to church. It's a beautiful motherfucking Tuesday. What up, dog?

It's good to see you, dude. I'm doing great. It is a little cold, though, but it was nice today. It was like 75 days. It was fucking awesome. It was very nice. You just came back from Washington. Everything was sweating.

Oh, my God. Do people ask me if I was okay, like multiple times? It was like 90 plus degrees and like hot and humid. And like I would just go for water. Like, it was really one day. Like Saturday? It was like fucking hot and I had to go buy shirts And it was just

Like some guy was like do you need water? Like no I'm okay I was just fucking yeah Fuck Oh my God I don't know how people but Austin was great Austin was that was I've been A few times and I've always had fun

But that was the best time I would have tacos Very good Very good I But I took them back to the hotel But they were the One of the guys from the club was there

And he told me Do you make it with like cheese Does he put cheese down like crisp it up for you me yeah I don't fucking know yeah the one of the guys I'm sorry I don't I know I'm sorry I don't I your name is escaping me right now but one of the guys from the club was at the cart when I went up and he's like have him put cheese on the grill or thing first and then put the taco down and there's like a crispy cheese thing on oh I've seen that done but not there I'll ask when I'm there this week yeah it was great it was a great time I

Thank you, you and Theo and Joe invited me to go just see the mothership, which was awesome. It was really cool. It felt like the store when we were there, just like the energy there. I haven't been back to the store, but it was just exciting. I got to see a bunch of people who, like Derek and Asan, who were door guys and young comics at the store. And then I got to see, I was so excited. I got to see Ron White. I've never seen him before.

And I got to see him. and it was just crazy as a comic to see like his entire 15 minutes just wove together and he had callbacks throughout jokes from back to the first joke and i i don't think i pissed him off but i was i said in the green one was like that was amazing like it just looked so effortless he's like well i've been doing it 30-something years it's not really effort like well it took some effort i was like i wasn't like obviously it took work but it was just it flowed so smoothly and it was amazing to see he's a master yeah and i told you you know a long time ago that one of the best things i did for my career and for me was to go to the improv on thursday nights just to watch a headliner

didn't i wouldn't even say hello just sit in the corner sometimes you got to watch a show sometimes you got to go outside of the realm and go pay for a ticket at this level anybody and just sit in the back. You don't need to go to the green room. You don't need to hang out. You don't need to play checkers. No. It's really amazing what you learn.

And in your mind, force yourself to be an audience member. For you. So now you're learning. It was a huge learning lesson, like, in that main room show. I still remember being, like, a bona fide open mic. and taking a bus to the comedy works on Friday to watch different headliners. And I would leave there in awe.

And every week I would say, I'm just going to go rob somebody because I'll never get that good. You know, in your mind, right? See it, you fold. And you go, I'll never get that good. You know, I got problems. I got a fungi toenail.

I got a girlfriend that will like me. I got credited. issues, you know, fucking, you know, you, I got to the taxi. You make up all these juices for yourself, but then you go, you know what? I'm going to try my best. And it's really crazy when you see that. I was thinking, I paid to see Jerry Seinfeld. Okay. I went with another comic, open mic girl, and she drove and went to see.

And it was like seeing a guy from TV in front of you. that you've also seen on, you know, the Young Comedian Special, Rodney Dangerfield. It was pretty impressive for me, you know, at the time. And I saw what it took kind of sort of. Like the whole thing took me, I forget where I saw him, somewhere in Denver, maybe a small theater, 3,000 people or something.

But I remember feeling like, wow, this is real. I'll never get to this level. but it's pretty nice to come and watch from time to time. Oh, it's best. At that time, my life was like, I could have been in prison tomorrow. I could have been in fucking Miami moving a kilo. It was so on whatever that I never saw myself like that.

But just know that that was there. At that point, were you like calling yourself a comic Were you thinking you're going to be a comedian or you were just loving it and we're going to see it? This was probably the summer of 92 and I was probably doing comedy maybe 16 months. And at that point you're like, I'm going to be a comic. Yeah, but I didn't know where to start. Like I had already taken the stand-up class.

I had already won a contest and I was already the house MC. which is pretty fucking good for your firm. Sounds like you knew where to go. But I didn't have the balls to drive to Denver to get in the mix. Okay. Okay. I'm not ashamed to say that by any means. So I would do little gigs in Boulder.

And if somebody had a gig for me, you know, close back. Every time I went to Denver, I felt like somebody going to New York City. Yeah, come down and do a set, Lee. I mean, you get there, and it's like, you get there at 9, and they're like, you're such at 1.15 in the morning. And you're like, you're my friend. Why would you put me at 1.15? You know, but that's the racket.

Yeah. How many nights I went to this one place, and he will put me up last. And I, you know, I didn't have the chops to fucking pull it off last. And this is after three or four headliners. you know this guy would put me up last there's just people who were miserable fucks you know

so it was until I came to New York in 93 and then I went back to Denver and I went to Denver this time I played the Big Boy League I said enough of it that's the other decision I made at that time which was what? The Big Boy League I'm going out in the Comedy Works

I'm going to show him who the fuck I am on Tuesday nights and I had goals. I was going to get into the Comedy Works. I was going to get on the open mic. And then after a few weeks, I was going to start to get StarSpots. And after a couple of those, they make you a regular. So that's exactly what I did. How long did that take?

90 days. To become a regular? Yeah, but you did a lot of free spots, star spots, five minutes, seven minutes. That's like me driving 45 minutes. and 45 minutes back. Yeah, but that's still kind of quick to get passed in a major club.

But that's awesome. Let me see. I started really getting involved there in 94. Right? And then they had a contest. Do you remember me telling you this? They had a contest

and I really did well. Everybody was like, Joey's going to win this. And I won. But another kid was clean. And he looked. But then the comics called the next day and said he stole a bunch of Seinfeld jokes. I do remember that. So now the lady who ran the contest felt bad.

So she's like, come on down. And, you know, I know the powers of B were kind of holding your back because of what you are and who you are. But you, come on. So now she started giving me star spot. So I'm lying to you. I was probably doing star spots for six months maybe. Okay. Still that's quick.

One a week, two a week, Wednesday and Thursday. And then you graduate to Friday early, then Saturday, then Sunday. It'd be fun if there were more clubs like that around the country. Well, at the time, Comedy Works, Denver was very smart. I got to hand it to Wendy. if there's a job I want to do. Listen, I'm watching the trend of comedy. And the trend of comedy is with top heavy.

And what about top heavies, we got a lot of headliners. Okay. And we're bottom heavy. We got a lot of people getting into the business. And you have that gray area, which is feature co-headline, co-MC, you know, all those type of positions, right? Right. These kids are running around.

Like, you know, going to open mics. And at times, and ask me if I'm lying, it feels like a dead end street. The life of open micer feels like a dead end street. It feels like you're an on an amusement fucking ride. And you just got to get off. But you don't know how to get off. It's like getting to L.A. years later and trying to get an agent and they're like, hey man, listen, go book some projects and come back.

You have a resume and you're like, yeah. That's what I'm coming to you for? What the fuck? That's why I'm here. So this whole life is a catch fucking 22, you know? So, but they did something that I really appreciated and that I thought of until today. And I'm going to tell you why, because it changed who I was at that process. It took me off a certain road and it put me. on and enlighten me to a bigger road. Okay.

When I got back to Denver in 94, winter of 93, early 94, something had changed the comedy works. Wendy, the genius that she fucking is, hired Matt Woods.

There's two mats, and that's why I get confused. There's Matt Berry. Okay. And Matt Woods. Matt Berry ended up becoming a successful TV writer, fucking off-to-change comics from Denver. And Matt Woods was one of the writers for Roseanne early on.

Wow. He all came out of Denver. But Matt was a very great guy. And Matt was in charge of Tuesday nights before the open mic. The open mic started at 8. At 6, you met Matt. And you went over the material. you were going to go on stage that night.

There was only eight comics a week, you know, so he had time. You had time to talk to him. And this was like the eight comics were going to be on the open mic that week? Yeah. Okay. And he talked to him. And as he saw them progress,

he'd drop a dime for them. Lee, call this guy in South Jersey, tell him you want to come down for a week, and he'll know when you call him. You know, it's not big money. but I got work for you. And I could do Matt's class in the summer, but I couldn't do mats in the winter.

So Matt felt, because I did the sports betting, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I would get out of that six. By the time I got to Denver, it would be 7.30. I couldn't get the mats. And so Matt felt a little like, what the fuck? You're throwing me through the wolves. that's why he got in my face to one night and said I could be a fucking superstar

and if I just did things right he goes you're showing up with a fucking white t-shirt with fucking burn marks in and you're killing he got what are you crazy he goes you gotta polish your shoes and you got to take this more serious you got to show up to the writing workshop that's what they call them writing workshop

so those eight comics got to prepare their open mic with a professional who had been on the road who had fucking hung out with Roseanne all those years and he's one of the many great writers from Denver. The Denver comedy scene has a ton of fucking great comedy writers.

They write, they still write for people. You know? So that really helped me. Now you got, I'm not going to say you got lucky, it sounds like he was a great comic. But my question for these other classes is like if I was a new comic looking to take a class, would you trust

a comic who's teaching it? Like are you going to get bad advice? I'm not going to fucking, first of all, you have to get into that rotation at the Comedy Works and that's tough enough. You're just not showing up to the Comedy Works. At that time, with a fucking flute

and saying, I want to do your open mic. Oh, no, yeah. It sounds like it was booked, which is great. It was like 10 people at like three minutes. And out of those 10 people, she'd tell like two to come back. It was like any, you know, it was like any other play. And then after you got, so she had already had an open mic scene in there. What I mean, Mike scene was a lower end and guys doing star spots. It's just cool to have a, because that's when you were saying like what it feels like to be a feature.

and stuff in an open micer. There's no, I, like, I'm lucky to have you and everyone to, because I, like, I can, you guys give me a path a little bit. As an open micer, it feels like I'm standing somewhere and there's a million paths. There's almost no way to really know how to do it. Both those clubs like that, have those, like you get passed. It's really cool. Yes, and, you know, everybody has local, listen, everybody has local clubs

that headline is coming on the weekends. some of them are regular general headliners and some of them are Burke Reischer and Tom Seguer and you know but not a lot of clubs could afford that every week that action so they have different types of headline liners but back to what we were talking about that really helped my fucking career a lot

getting past no of having that guy for about eight months talk to you on a Tuesday and then when you got on stage when you got off stage he spoke to you some more not in a fucking and not in an egotistical way

he was like Lee I want you to turn on the energy get rid of that fucking joke are you crazy and he would talk to you like that and then and what was it like did you try the next week and like usually work or like how would you progress throughout those eight weeks? weeks I would see him like every other week you know a lot of open micers so and then the more you

show up you move up and I was moving up and by that time I don't know where he was I think I wasn't allowed in this class anymore we weren't enemies or anything he just I moved on now I'm doing star spots you know right but is that what you were saying there's a job you want and that's like what you'd want to do something like that Tuesday nights at a a nice club talking, you know, but I, listen, 30 guys with long hair that are going to ask me about Joe Rogan, I'll stab you in the neck, you know, what I think of this.

And that's where the problem lies today, that nobody wants to go with the nuts and bolts. Would you, like, would it be something where you'd have people auditioned, did it get in? No, I'll just watch you. Okay. Tuesday nights he was going on close out the room

not say anything very cool that would be awesome you're not going to watch a comic once as a fucking comic and as a fucking whatever a consumer you're not going to watch a comic once

and having an accurate assessment how many times do you have to see them five six and that's in a weekend listen i remember when i was on the road heavy duty and i had people watching me the same there was a handful of people would be there the first night and a handful of people would be there the third night to see what i became by saturday night right okay matt's job was to watch you weekly

so he wasn't going to say nothing to you for five weeks Six weeks. You'd be coming in and I'm like talking to Paluso and Sam Tripoli. And one day you're going to come up to me, hi, my name is Lee. Have you watched my sets? And I go, yeah, you have a minute? And I'm going to sit you down and go, I saw you February 8th. I saw you March 9th. I saw you March 29. I'm going to have six sets that I saw you. And I'm going to go, you know, what's wrong with this joke? You've got to be more assertive here. get rid of this they already know by watching you know you're fat why are you gonna remind them that's a waste of a line they see it you know all these things

and they'd be like wow wow like I thought he was like a fucking magician at the time because of the way he saw how your writing worked yeah he watched you for six weeks before he came up to you and busted your balls I don't need you to fucking see me when you have three cocktails in me

and come up to me and go, I just watch your set. I think, shut the fuck up. You're not going to judge me by one set. I'm not going to judge anybody on one set. I'm going to judge you by six or seven sets. And if it's weekly and we see each other, I'm going to judge the type of, not judge.

I'm going to see the type of comic you are, if you're writing. Let's see who's real. Let's see who's real. Who's showing up here every Tuesday it was six minutes. Oh, six brand new minutes. Six brand new minutes every week.

Who's going to show up here on Tuesday with six minutes? You know, all those things were very interesting to me. Yeah, that's why it's an interesting thing to think about. You wouldn't, because it seems like it'd be kind of cool to have someone, like, would you have those same people come back every week to, like, develop them? What do you want to develop people? Well, whatever club I'm working with would have to pick their people. And yeah, I would love to talk to them, you know, even like, go Lee, give me that joke to perform tonight.

Let me show you how to deliver that joke. Like, he would do that. He would do your joke for you? For you. And show you the delivery. Oh, fuck. You want, and he just, listen, man, he was a 35-year veteran. And I banged heads with him once.

a while and then I stopped because eight out of ten times he was right like I was a cash register then right not a cash register a fucking bird that would just constantly talk oh really he would go what are you doing you're not giving them a chance to even breathe

or think about what you're fucking saying to oh you're just steamrolling your jokes just bam bam bam he had the same writing as David Chase in what way Lee, you're just going to stand there and let that bird shit on your shoe? No.

By the way, you're going to hit me with a reaction. Like, what do you want me to do? Yeah. I'm high and he shit on my shoe. No. He wants the audience to fucking really live. Lee, what the fuck? You got a little bird's shit on your shoe?

He's not going to want you to say anything. He's going to want you to look out into the horizon. Like, it's got a point. that's a different sense of humor than causing an argument. Fuck you. Came up. You know, it fell out of your garbage truck.

Whatever. But after a minute, you're going to laugh at that joke because he got you. Right. Okay. You're just going to look up and go like, you know. So his style of writing, there you go,

Coxuck. How many edibles G? Look at you. Look at you. He's choking. Give him the hemlic maneuver. Look at him. Give him the hymlich. I had one of the capsules you gave me. You had one. I had one of the ABX.

What? Oh. I laughed. I laughed when I was drinking. I had a hide one of the ABXs. You had one of those ABXs? Yeah. Oh, my God. But why you fucking get back? Let me go read a little ad for Onit real quick, all right.

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Even though I know it's coming, it still scares me sometimes. I love it. Sometimes. a lot is going on a lot is going on fucking uh they blew up iran's fucking president the helicopter did they blow them up to that i don't fucking know i think yeah probably i'm now they're pointing fingers who the fuck knows either so hopefully you guys will be seeing this podcast tomorrow if you wake up there's little fucking stars outside your window the fucking alcohol in the ears or whatever tinks you like the russians oh

God. You got fucking poor Diddy is done. You know, the tape out of him fucking doing an MMA move on and that he just, we cannot do, you know. Pretty soon when they schedule

a pay-per-view, the fucking thing is they're going to put up. Are you into excitement? He comes running out with his towel, like a fucking savage. Could you, I'm just so shocked that, like, the video just came out, No, that's what you had someone like how did that I don't even know how that stuff works did he paid to hide it and the fucking dude resold it to the highest better now when things got worse then he made that apology tape and at the end he's like man I gave you a half a mill look how you did a brother and shit I thought that shit was burnt in your fireplace never that's that is crazy stuff and like I can't imagine like they I wonder for the

hotel's going to get in a lot of trouble. Listen, man, you know, like I said, L.A. is, uh, L.A. is what it is. L.A. is what it is. You know, tons of shit happen in those hotel rooms. God knows what. That guy, we were

never in one of those hotel rooms. Thank God. That's it. It's amazing. I know it exists, but I just was never around any of it. I don't think at least. Since I'm a kid, I don't like going anywhere really fucking weird or anything. Like, I've been to a couple of Coke things that got weird.

I just left. I stole the Coke and left. I took the Coke to go. You know what I'm saying? Like, there was a lot of those nights. But I don't like any of that shit. When you're doing, you're paranoid enough. The cops are going to come.

I got two felonies. This guy wants to fuck. Pull a hair. I don't need this shit. You know what I'm saying? I don't need this shit. So you would just leave? Leave and not get involved.

Leave and just go fuck it. I got a gram of Coke in my pocket. I need to go hang out with these fucking dead beats. I want to talk about something today with you. I'll talk. Everybody has issues to some part. I know at times after the pandemic, I had some mental health issues. You feel them.

You know, you don't have control. And we all have certain issues. One of the biggest issues I've ever had is there's times, I think I'm fucking crazy. Okay. Situation happens. Something happens. Usually it's something emotional in my life.

I react to it, and what I thought at the time was not the best way to react to it. But then I wait for the reaction, and I react to that. But nothing never happened. So I just didn't say nothing, but then I think about it, and I double check. And I'm like,

am I fucking crazy for doing that? and then something will happen that'll justify that I'm not fucking crazy. Okay. You know, we've been here four years. When we got here, you know, we got here in fucking August. And we were talking to different people,

and they said, put her in softball, girl softball. So we signed her up. The first year was okay. You know, we got involved. Why were you? that type of shit then the second season we got more involved

and we had a good coach then the second season it got a little weird and we started playing travel or something and there was just one coach that would always fucking show up when he wanted to you know

and with his kid practice is always like are they coming nah and then games always like 50-50 you know if they would even show up yeah if they'd even show up and we had like a double had it one weekend and on the way home somebody goes yeah we would have won that game or that kid would have showed up and she's a great player their daughter real cute kid so i think i asked my wife i go

where was she and my wife's like uh-oh she just didn't show no call so like two i just felt really bad, you know? And in my mind, I was going to pull you overly and go, can I talk to you for a minute? You know, I don't know what's going on, but these girls have a team. It's like the third game. You missed that we could have won, you know, and that's all. I was going to keep it very civil. Okay. You know, man to man with Jersey guys. I see him after like a week. it's a nighttime practice and I go up to him and I go hey man can I talk to you for five minutes

and he looks at me and he goes I'll check my schedule and get back to you oh now at this time he had been he was a girl's coach and he had gotten beat up in freehold had a little league

he got he got cute one of the women coach and she went and got a husband and they had him in the headlock and shit and people felt bad for him Do you know this already? I knew he got into a headlock. Okay. They tried to bust his balls and they go, what happened?

And karate is a kid, they get you in a fucking headlock. Nothing happened to me. Those are just rumors. But the parents were like, his hair was all fucked up. They hit him with his hat. So. So fucking, this bum. We all get together and go to a Yankee.

came and take the girls and we pay for tickets for them to go on the field. Well, he don't want for a ticket. Right. He doesn't, he brings his daughter, pays for a ticket for her, but he also brings his son. And when we get the Yankee Stadium, it's time to go back there. And one of the coaches, and his kid was running late, this motherfucker was like, nah, put my son in there.

Fuck them. And I'm watching this going. No, thank you. No, I didn't say a word. I'm just the type of guy this guy is. His own assistant, he's trying to dog him because he's not here. And finally, the dude showed up. And he kept saying, I should have gotten a ticket. Well, like, shut the fuck up, bitch.

And that is when I went off on at the field. No, you did? Yeah, I went up to him, and I go, do you think I could speak to you for a minute? He goes, I'll put it into my agenda. Right there I saw why the chick beat him up. I saw, you know, I saw everything. And I'm like, listen, you fucking scumbag. We're part of a fucking peem here, cocksucker.

When I called him cock sucker, he was a tail in every direction. Do you understand me? Well, this is not a guy that goes, I'm sorry. Listen, can we talk about it? He grabbed this kid and he ran off the field the other direction. No, he didn't. Yes, he does.

Like, we all park over here. He takes the long route. But he knew he was going to get lit up. And he's part of these other two or three coaches that, like, my daughter play on the team. And the coach told me, if you don't want to fuck in, if you don't like it, leave because he fucked up, you know. So it was like, it's perfect. I don't have to deal with these people ever again. They're a bunch of flat-footed motherfuckers anyway, right?

And so this last weekend, I was at my daughter's game, and one of the moms was like, gee, what happened? with fucking Adam she was telling another mom come sitting there going I know that dude and also you're like yeah Coach Ed fucking went off on him Coach Ed's a good fucking old Irish dude he looks Irish

like one of those old pugs sweet he's a not not pugs a dog like a boxer oh okay got that real traditional sweetheart of a guy coach my daughter for a year

she still loves him All the moms love him. He's got a daughter. But my man went off on him Saturday. He told me he was a horrible coach and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Fucking tremendous. I was so happy Saturday when I heard that because I realized I'm not fucking crazy. That's the moral of fucking story.

How good did that feel to not be crazy? Tremendous. Tremendous. When I'm eating 1,200 milligrams, like today, and I'm like, I'm not crazy. Do you ever like, you know, checking with them? Like, how are you doing? With whoever, whatever coach you didn't like.

Why? I don't know. Just to be like, I told you. They're fucking lies. You know, they never even play with football. They're fucking lies. Why would I? There's no reason to even talk to those people.

You move on and you meet better people. I heard mercy hit a home run a tremendous home run that's crazy listen man like I said I don't push her I go out there and I watch it jump up and down her girls and they sing and dance

if you know anything where I came up from it's a complete different world than I had and I'm very fucking happy to see her right you know Friday night I had her what happened something happened Friday night and I had it for a little long I was going to go see Kim condom at the dojo at about quarter seven my wife's like listen to you mind I don't it's too late now you know so we went somewhere we went to freehold to do something

and we went to Dix and then we went somewhere else like the smoothie king all nice It's a blend from smoothie Kingslight. We go over there. We sit. I told it's like Starbucks for smoothies. You know, that's all this is. Starbucks for smoothies.

But nobody hangs out there. They got a great little hangman. Nobody comes in. A over place and a dollar of slice place. Ain't nobody going in there. Who drinks that bovis shit? I hate it. What is that shit?

It's tapioca pearls. I think. I'm almost positive. It's just like it's like little like jelly things. But it's like tea and they put flavors. People come out of that. Think they get a good thing.

I'm even think it's that. I think it's like different Asian stuff. I don't know. Oh, yeah, somewhere. But what do you like what? Do you want to hang out with people at the shop? Like, why are you upset? They don't have a

place to hang out. Well. You just said, like, the smoothie king, they don't have a place to hang out. Like, what do you want to hang out there for? Just go home. No, no, no, listen. the type of fucking mukiaq that opens my computer and makes believe I'm Johnny intellectual.

Never. We used to fucking tear up Marie T.C. for breakfast though. That was fun. Yeah, yeah. I used to go down with everyone. I miss that place. Oh, like a motherfucker. I used to go sit in the corner, the closest one to liquor store, and I'd smoke hot with all those fucking moms there. They lose their mind. They'd be out there

breastfeeding with those epitititis. And when they were... I didn't know you'd smoked weed there with them. That's so funny. Listen, that was my home. You don't shit where you sleep. I wouldn't smoke weed there, but if those moms were there twice a week and I got there like at 915, I would

fucking torture. Oh my God. Liquor buy a pack of cigarettes. Make believe I'm smoking the last one. Right by the end, yeah. Right there. I think that's Colfax. No, Canyon? Yeah. Canyon?

I think it's Colfax and God damn it. Not Laurel Canyon, maybe cold water. The other way, the other way. It was like in between. But it was great. It had a great breakfast. In jeopardy.

All I know is I used to sit in that table, it would be like 10 o'clock. And they'd be back from yoga. They put the Mexican nannies in the other table in the back, like, fucking black people on the bus. And they'd sit, like, in the third table. And I go, I don't like how they treat the Mexican nanny. and I would fucking start smoking. They'd be out there with ugly tities, fucking feeding those big-headed kids. Tremendous.

And they'd be looking around who's smoking. I'd be sitting there smoking a cigarette. They'd go in and run and get the Arab owner. Remember he was a great guy. Oh, yeah. The owner. It's crazy. It was a great place, but no employees ever lasted there.

Was that an L.A. thing or a bad place? He was very, he was known for fucking just being a, like I don't think the fucking Mexicans are there making breakfast no more. Oh no. At this point, you know. And that breakfast went dead. That was the breakfast. You used to get mad at me for getting to go.

That's how good it was. I would get it to go. I would call it. I lived right down the street. I lived right down the street. Potatoes with the 100 grain bread, the nine grain bread. Oh, my God. That shit was good with two eggs and bacon.

The bacon was crispy. It was like a, it was like a fucking, it was like a, I've ever had to be honest. An Iranian sandal after the Jews dropped a bomb over there. Those sandals were crispy, Jack. Extremely well done.

What's that? Extremely well done. That was, that was the best bacon that I've ever had, though. Fucking crazy. Dude, I, I, I want to, I don't know. I don't know.

this is gross but in texas you have to give your id like if you want to go like watch porn online you have to like submit your actual id to them would you ever do that first off i wouldn't watch porn online all right i'm 61 years old i'm gonna go on memory you submitting an id or even thinking of that shit is disgustingly i didn't do it you end up like p biddy in a hotel yourself off and then fucking hearing somebody walk creep behind you're gonna go there and grab them and fucking you know behave yourself please so did you give them the ID no never I would never do that did you give them a fake ID no I just didn't do it what kind of ID you got to give them a state ID like a yeah yeah you got to give you got a login with everything take a picture of it I

think you have to do like and it's only it's like I had that happen in virginia too but I was like I can't imagine they must be opening porn. I talk to people there's like actually selling DVD porn now because you can't, no one's gonna do that. I wouldn't give my ID for porn. In certain states, you mean? Yeah, there's like certain laws about like like, and I think it's probably from a good place like verifying age

of something, but it's like you just can't watch porn because I'm not doing that. I don't know Lee. I don't want to link to my shit. People felt like that. Remember we were in Sacramento, we were with that comedian, the really crazy guy, and he was telling you about some hookah website. Right, yeah. You know, when I go to my room, I'm dying to go on one of those things to see, just to see.

But I know that's going to go into my computer fucking thing, and I'm going to start getting ads for fucking freaks. Like, I don't, there's no way. There's no way. I'm at a point now of such peace that I don't want no drama at all. I don't want no drama with Google I'm fucking YouTube I don't want no problems with nobody

I just want to wrap this up like a gentleman and move on to the next chapter of my life so I don't know I told you man as disgusting as a human being as I am there's a lot of things with a line draws and that's porn

like I don't know I just since a kid I wasn't listen you want to show up in my house and whack yourself off with a Coke rock, I'm all in. But for me to sit there on the computer and dangle my nutsack, I just, or even like a TV screen, like when I was young to put porn on,

I can't imagine me sitting there and banging it out. And somebody's got a sticky hand on a fucking guilty face. You know what I'm saying? I don't need that shit. And it's been that way your whole life? Very, something really interesting happened a couple weeks ago. One of my dear friends on Twitter, who I think fucking highly of, she's a doctor.

I fucking love her. She's fucking beautiful. She's married. Her dad, you know, like they came to my shows. You know, I just love her. She came to the store. She's a fucking knockout, you know. But she's always been a professional.

I mean, she's a top-notch fucking, you know, she's the real deal. And But when she's off work She gets down You know She'll fly to Miami And fucking You know

Smump dope She's just one of us crazy So I think she went to Not South Beach Key West with her husband Okay And after all these years That we've been friends

I gotta be honest She put a picture up And I was like Okay Look at her I get it Women want to show what they got, right? I'm like, I get it.

And then, like, two days later, she posted a picture of backside. She goes, this is what happens when you fall asleep on the beach. It took my breath away, Lee. I hit her up on Twitter, and I'm like, hey, man, here's the deal. You're the last hope I have. You can't put that ass up. You know, at the end of the day, I talk a lot of shit, but I'm a Catholic fucking prude.

and she hit me back giggling. She goes, I knew, and she took it down. It's terrible. Dog, if you want to lick my nuts, if you want me to come over and let your pussy on fire in the old days doing Coke, and I love all that craziness, but I'm not going to fucking,

and Lee, I tried it. I'm like, listen, I'm a, when I was a kid, I would go to, like, a porn festival here and, like, some creepy part of Jersey, and you get there, And there ain't no festival. It's just eight guys with long jacket, fucking, you know. Every time you go to the bathroom, there's no.

Like, I would go on Sunday nights with my three of my high school friends. I did it like maybe three times. And I'm like, are these guys retarded? One Sunday, we asked like these guys, what do you guys do on Sunday night? They were like juniors in high school. And they were like a little... And they were to porn conventions? No, there was not porn convention.

I'm sorry to... say it that way. Like a group viewing? No. On Sunday night there was a movie theater. Okay. Some crazy part of Jersey Sunday is like 9 to 12 where they just showed porn.

And you went down there and the movie smelled weird. You had to walk upstairs. There was a guy playing the piano with an eye patch, you know, the whole fucking thing. You're like, oh boy. And you were people jerking off there? Well, once you I didn't know about this shit.

Once you sit on the floor, once you sit on, you notice that your feet is sticky. Move your feet that goes, no matter what you got on. So you know that people have been whacking off in this theater this is 1920. In fact,

it was like anything else. You know, once the lights go off, you hear a little ghost. Ooh. The whole fucking thing, right? So. And the piano. So I thought it was like, you know,

these guys were like animals, these guys I grew up with. And like three of us would go and they would turn, you know, like five of us. And like I realized, you go to the bathroom. Like, I'm in my one. I got popcorn. And I went inside. I'm like, I don't know if I should be eating.

I don't know if I should be eating this butter. I threw that shit out and washed my hands. I could see one of those guys putting a hole at the bottom of the popcorn. and putting his dick in it. And then when you go to take a piece of popcorn, his little helmets there and shit with some type of weird. You know, at the time, it was

1982. It couldn't be age juice. That wasn't around then. You know what? Like, what? If you shared popcorn with a man and a porn theater, that would be kind of like you would expect his dick to be in there, I think. I don't remember, but I knew something was sticky,

and I'm like, I'm not eating anything. No. anything. But then I realized it was like a fucking, it was like being in the shining like you had to walk like 20 yards. And it wasn't like a regular theater where you're walking

pat. This is the only movie that was showing. Right. I hope so. The woman's bad. It was like a theater six. But it was a long walk. It's not like people hang out in the hallway, right? Yeah, it's not like Frozen's playing in 10 minutes. No, it's like

It's not like in the hallways, right? Right, oh God. You're walking, you're by yourself. And when you go in the bathroom, as soon as you walk in the bathroom and you look, it was like two shitters and like four urinals,

and they're all empty. Listen, they could be empty, like, you know how you look in the mirror and see how you look, and then you walk over. At a time, by the time, you take your dick out over the urinal,

two guys just mysteriously pop next to you. Oh, no. You're like, I didn't walk past you, motherfuckers. You know what I'm saying? Like, I was to walk past you. I would walk together with you. Holy shit. You got to be walking two feet behind me, timing-wise.

But my dick ain't even out of my hands. And all of a sudden, two guys will pop here. Ah, excuse me. Do you come here on Sunday nights? No. I usually stay home and watch Lawrence smoke. What the fuck? What the fuck?

Holy shit. Would they try anything or no? Nah, they were just going there and see if they could look at your dick or see what type of young guy you were. If you were going to say, suck my dick, play like Donnie Warburg and Marky Warburg and Boogie Knights when he goes to the valley.

And the guy gets him a small tent to give him a handjob and shit. His dick won't get hard. You know how these people are. They're fucking... Was it just a porn theater? Because you said it was like one night a week. During a week, they did something.

Like old movies, you know. Oh. This was old. Who would go there any other day besides the, because they can't clean it? That would be, can you imagine going to see a movie there on Wednesday? Yeah, Mickey Mouse with your kids and little ghost, ooh. Holy shit, I don't want to go there at all. That's what you call them.

ghost. They don't come to live. They're like a half fucking, you know, they would kill them in Texas, in other words. Yeah. He just caught that one lead, didn't you? I did. Oh, they don't let you. Oh, my God. Um, so you're excited to go? What? You excited to go to Austin? Like I told you for the last fucking year. I don't like leaving my girls. I don't like leaving my lifestyle, you know, I'm very fucking cacasse. I've always thought that about you. But I got to be honest with you.

I got to go down there and do some comedy. I'm going to see Theo. I'm going to see Duncan. I'm going to do Theo's podcast. I'm going to eat some tacos, some barbecue. Nice. light exercise is going to be heavy humidity I go to the gym ride the bike

with some life weights get some good sleep and I'm back here for Labor Day I look at it as comedy camp it was so cool yeah I got 14 I counted them I got 14 ideas for jokes

yeah and it's so cool it's great that it's so convenient and there's so many clubs I went to Red Bands Club and that was awesome. That was really cool. His staff at Red Bands is phenomenal. It's a sunset. Yeah, it's the sunset.

I believe it's the Sunset Room. Sunset Room. He's great. The manager, the female's great. The head of security's fucking great. They got tacos there for us. That's a great late night room on Thursday night, I think. He has it on Thursday night, but he has shows there every night of the week.

There's burlesque there. They spin around the pole and some guy plays the violin. And they have video games. I know you'd love that. What's that? They have video games in the green room too. All right. So did you have a good time?

Did you put a little hat with the umbrella in it and fucking zip around the room? I wasn't there for long enough, but it was awesome. Like I told you, Lee, I didn't give up on being a, I gave up to being a touring comic. But I had to figure it out. It took me a while to figure out what I liked about it. And I'm doing everything I like about it now. That's awesome. Same process as before.

Driving, smoking dope, pop, the thing that's helping me now at this age is that I finally lead. After all the years after you know me, I'm writing shit down. What are you writing down that you weren't writing down before? Everything. I thought you were writing down everything before.

Two thousand thoughts I would go through you in a day that we made nothing of those jokes. Oh, yeah, okay. A stenographer in the fucking room. Oh, right. A court guy just taping everything, every little thing and going, you said this today,

this is what goes on your next fucking 30 minutes. Right. I gave all that shit away years ago. I was too high. Think about it. Yeah, I'm sure. This material we came off of off the hip by doing the podcast. Like I said to you, once you're in a cycle of comedy writing, that's the best cycle to get into.

It's just figuring out your limitations. Getting enough sets during the week to give you a reason. You know, that's why I like that Tuesday set. Right. You've been sitting on your ass all day, Sunday, watching football. Maybe you were too tired to go out Sunday night. You were on the road. all day, Sunday, you've been thinking about that retarded cousin that came over and kept fucking spilling the chips.

And then, you know, you're writing all these little, it doesn't mean for a guy like me, I'm going to lose. And this is great advice for young comedians, because you have to figure out what works for you. If you're going to sit there with a pen licking it, it's not going to work for you. I mean, I don't know if he's doing it anymore. Gary Goldman, remember when he was doing the writing tips on Twitter during the pandemic. I do remember that. Wrote the special.

He had some great stuff on that. I don't have to look for those. Don't I fucking, you know, who am I? I would look at his stuff. And one thing I learned during the pandemic, I remember, well, during the pandemic, I was fucked up. But one thing I remember is I couldn't write for long periods of time. What would happen?

My back hurts. I get bored. I start thinking of, you know, you're smoking dope. So one minute you're thinking about fucking a joke. The next minute you're thinking about Jupiter. You know, Venus in the tunnel of love. I don't fucking know. But this is better for me.

I get it. Last night I was on a kid's birthday party. And I got there. And I saw a woman come in. Lee there was some 20 people in the room she gave out three hugs and went right to the fucking table Okay, and I mean she was eating everything There was 20 dishes on the table This woman was fucking eating everything nice you stopped for about 18 minutes from one end to the other one

I'm like looking at and not judging her but going this woman She's eating like she just left the weight watches meeting So I wrote that down. That's funny. Because after the weighing on a Sunday, you run out of there. Me and Rick Raymond must have go right to end and out. For your cheat meal. Yeah, for our cheat meal.

But it was a cheat meal. It was a single. We'd split an order of fries and we'd drink a tired soda. I mean, we really stuck to it. But bought dog from Weight Watchers to In and Out, we would do like, it'd be like three minutes. I do like fucking 90 miles an hour. Oh, of course.

I was cutting people off, jumping over cars, you know. So it's funny. Like she was running out of there. Like she just left the weight watches me. I mean, and every time I see it, she's a fucking savage. Like when desserts come, she'll eat everything on that one piece of everything. Wow. She's eating the other one.

It's fucking interesting to see. Now you know why I go to the gym. because that's what will happen in Jersey, dog. You get big. Oh, yeah. Every time I come there, it's like, you take me all having to me

and they take you here for three years and it's like the best place I've ever been. Like the hot dog place. I was thinking about those hot dogs today. People are saying to me, I don't go up. A friend of mine keeps calling, but when are we going to go on lunch?

I go, meet me at Starbucks. I met him at Starbucks. We had a chat. As soon as I walked and he goes, dog, you lost weight. I go, because I don't meet. eat you for lunch anymore. Right.

Smart. Every time I met this guy, it was bread and salads and cheese and fucking meat and a steak, and he's a big time jiu-jitsu guy and a lifter. It was, you know, it's too much. I can't. I don't even want to sit down for lunch with anybody no more. I don't have that type

of time. And add on. I don't have that type of time. You know, that's the first time I went to Carvel when you guys came two weeks ago. And I drive by there three times a week when I go to Jiu-Jitsu. That's my neighbor up there, the 520. Is that like a rule you say for yourself?

516. Is that like a rule you set for yourself? Like you only go when like someone comes up? I go to listen, man, if I went to Carvel every time I wanted to, it wouldn't be good. And if I went and got a slice of pizza every time I wanted to, it wouldn't be good. And if I went today, I went to meet my brother. He goes to a bar for lunch that I fucking love.

yesterday's. I get the chicken rice soup with croutons. And I get, today I got the fucking sausage, pepper and potato sandwich. The lunch special for $8.99. Nice. Holy fuck. Lee. Holy fuck.

I thought it was just going to be a piece of sausage on a piece of bun. Nah, they burnt the bun perfectly. And it was that lunch special, $8.99. Cheeseburger, turkey burger, hot dogs, grilled cheese, tuna wrap for you fucking people, like your wraps. You know, shit like that. They try. It's a bar. You go in there, get a beer and a fucking tuna sandwich.

And no one has 899 specials anymore. No. Yesterday's. It's fucking now, Hazlitt. My girl that went to fucking high school with. It's a bartender. Oh, shit. Nice.

Beautiful. So that's why we go down there and we say hello. So I go down there with my brother. It's fucking great. But yeah, this is, I knew there would be an aspect of comedy. I would fall in love. I know I can't write for people. Right.

I can't punch up, even though I'd be one of the best punch-up guys you ever had on your set. It's a waste of time why somebody never had me in Punch Up. And what is that? Punch-up is when you give me a script and I punch it up, like make it funny. I'd rather do this. Put me on the set when you shoot. I'll punch that motherfucker up right there. When I get the

full boudoir, what's on, what shirt he's wearing, what hat he's wearing, that's when we get the full patois on the script. I can't really see it, you know? That's interesting. Yeah. But

my favorite aspect of comedy, listen to the beginning, it was going on the road. It's awesome. And it was really great because I got to live my life for the first time my life

I got to live my addiction out with nobody overlooking my shoulder but myself I bumped into all that crazy sexual stuff I wanted to like you know every once in a while in the town something got ugly you bumped into it

oh my goodness you know and I live like a nomad and that's fun for a while and then I thought I was going to do that forever but I ended up in L.A. and Seattle. Things got serious and here we are. But today, that's what I missed mostly, is the writing and going up.

The writing and going up. Tuesday, Thursday, I'm good. Now I got something to write for all weekend. And whatever I put up Tuesday that don't work, I try Thursday. And it gets refined again. And then you put it together in the following week. Then you start all over again. It's awesome.

You're enjoying the process at least. That I'm enjoying. So this is day camp for me. I'll go tomorrow. I'll do Brian Simpson's show. That's like stealing. That's a mental exercise. They give you a sheet of paper and you got to talk about the subject on the paper.

I think it's like bottom of the barrel or something. On the barrel. And then right from there, you go to Joe's show at seven. Right from there, you do. do the 10 o'clock show. And if you want to jump on the little room, you jump in there. That's four sets. That's three. Yeah.

Wednesday, you do Joe's. You do fucking whatever. And then you do, I think it's Christina and friends. And then Thursday, you do Joe's at seven. You do fucking Tonys. And again, on the plane, I come home. And that, like, replaces what?

How long would that take you to do that many sets? Here, a week and a half, and 10,000 miles anyway. Yeah, so we might as well to do it with the best comics. And here's the beauty of it. It's tough to focus here. This lifestyle is different. It's not L.A. when I got the back room and I'm writing and life is going on over there.

I'm part of this now. So it's very hard to, you know, fucking, but when I'm there, all I'm thinking about is stand up. right i can't wait to get to the club because i'm in the hotel room since 4 30 you ready to stab a motherfucker that's awesome okay seven o'clock means i gotta be there in a quarter of seven so it's fucking perfect it's like a summer camp but unfortunately we'll check uh can you check austin weather for the week the next three days let me see what's going on there let's find out It was hot, and there was rain one day.

Jacob missed the Thursday night shows. It says hot, but this is cloudy to me. It just says cloudy to me. What's the temperature, Cucksuck and the humidity? Come on. Oh, it's an excessive heat. Today is going to be 93. Wednesday is going to be 92.

Thursday is going to be 91. Friday will be 96. And next week it gets bad. Next week, Friday, Saturday, it's going to be like 97. Monday it's going to rain and be 96 So you're you'll get out of there before that though I'm gonna bring a bunch of that stuff that you rub on you And you don't sweat

Deodorant Yeah the nonstick I put on gray went to the red light therapy My stomach almost blew up No beads come up my stuff Lumen Lumen That shit is fucking great man That's awesome

Yeah because you'll be sweating a lot We got a pair of sneakers that smelled like 10 dead billy goats. I mean, every time, just when you put your feet in them, and I walk with socks in it, if you could feel the fungi juice and everything else in the bottom. And one day I was doing something, and I came upstairs, I was about to take a shower, and I took my fucking shoes off, and I could smell it.

And I was like, first off, these sneakers are going to fucking garbage. that's number one right sneakers I started put aluminum then and aluminum on my feet now nice my feet smell like a baby's

fucking feet they smell like Jesus's feet that's awesome if he didn't run from the Jews before the blisters you know what I'm saying all right so where you at this week beautiful this week

on Thursday the 16th I'm at Pepe's in Worcester and then the big one Friday the 17th, I'm at the Crystal Ballroom in Somerville opening for Kim Congdon. That's in May, right? Yes. Or June. No, this is in May.

May what? 17th. May 17th? Oh, 20. No, goddamn. I've got the wrong dates. No shit, Sherlock. I thought you took me back to the future.

May 17th. Sorry. May 24th. It means this Saturday. Correct. The Mundo? No. What?

Friday. Okay. Beautiful. That's a good day to be out Friday and I get it over with. Where's the gig at? The crystal ballroom in Somerville. Fucking tremendous. Don't forget to get your tickets online.

Where do they get tickets at league? And they can go to probably, it's Ticketmaster, actually. The link is in my stories right now. Okay, so Kim Condom is doing fucking great on the road. She's funny as fuck. And if you go watch them, you're going to have a good time. with these two fucking knuckleheads. And she'll get you smoking.

So that's good. She'll put you in. I'll make sure that as soon as you walk in, you eat 200 milligram edible. And attention, you understand me? Perfect. Bowing up a storm. I'll be in Austin at the club hanging out all week.

That's awesome. Stop by red bands one night, two nights, to say hello. And that's it, motherfuckers. Here's for another fun-filled episode of the checking bitches. The checking is brought to you by Manscape. Listen, if you haven't gotten Dad a Father's Day gift yet, listen up. He's going to love it.

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