The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - Woody Allen before the Chinese chick

Episode Date: March 26, 2024

Lee asks Joey some creepy questions, Joey tells Lee about the time he hit a guy in the head with a tray of Chinese food, Joey talks about his experience with people being weird around kids in Hollywood, what Joey does to connect with audiences, and much more! Support the show and try Blue Chew for free. Just pay $5 shipping. Head to https://www.bluechew.com and press in promo code JOEY This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://www.betterhelp.com/DIAZ and get on your way to being your best self.  The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz

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That's what you gotta be thinking. Welcome back to church! Chip, Chip Chaldy-ho there. How you doing? Hello? I'm doing great. Hello from Nashville. Yeah, look at you.

How was your weekend? Fucking, it was amazing. It was great. It didn't start off great. Thursday was a little bit rough. It wasn't as rough as Connecticut. but it wasn't great, and I called you, and you just gave me, your advice is usually to get high, but you're like, listen, I need you to have fun.

And so, like, Friday, I like rewrote my entire set and I got high because I haven't been getting high before I got on stage. And Friday and Saturday were almost all amazing sets. I tried a new joke on Saturday, and it kind of derailed the momentum a little bit, but I was doing, I had a, like, four really good shows you know i've found out recently again that the two most important sayings when you're doing stand-up or anything acting playing the drums is you know i forgot anyway the just have fun is one is that you know when we forget we forget so that's why with you, I'm trying to build a muscle of fun. You know, when I started this, I was obviously, you know, 28 years old.

And I didn't really get a bite into this. I was about 31 or 32. And here I am on the ground floor of stand-up comedy, and my friends are getting married, and they're going on vacations to Alcapulco and shit. So I want you to think of all these things. Your mind puts extra pressure on you now. You know?

And I look back now and I'm like, when I did those showcases, like, Josh brings you to a club. He brings you now. You have a push in there. And it's a lot easier than you showing up on a Saturday with your nose wide open trying to do a guest spot. So you're like me. You want to do well.

Right. And we put this unnecessary pressure on our. ourselves when we do stand-up or anything to play in a band and we forget to have fun number two before i forget again did i tell you that i watched that fucking thing with uh the night that they made that stupid we are the world did we talk about that last week i don't think so okay there's a show on netflix in 1984 a lot of you guys are too young for this all these musicians got together and did we are the world

we are the future right a bunch of fucking like whoever was hot in 84 right but it was all these old you know these young geezers you know fucking you know Bruce Springsteen was young in 84 he had the best album of the year

you know Cindy Lauper had a great album in 84 Michael Jackson had a great album in 84 Hugh and Lewis in the News had a great album 84 all these people were there plus a bunch of legendary guys like Ray Charles and Waylon Jennings and Bob Dylan. And you could see from the beginning, Bob Dylan wasn't comfortable. That's not his shit.

He don't like being in a room with dirty people with egos. You know, everybody had an ego. Right. Not a long. When you watch it, it's very interesting. But at the end, Bob Dylan is having a hard time. And then people who don't know art are like, he was something, something was wrong with him. No, he was a fish out of water.

And he didn't know. He forgot rule number one. We forget it at every age. And that's why I'm going to keep pounding it. When I write my comedy book, I got it in there. Keep pounding this is to be yourself. They didn't. He thought he went in there and he heard all these people singing.

And he goes, I can't sing like none of these motherfuckers. You know, Bob Dylan has a very unique voice. When he sings, you're like, that's Bob Dylan. Nobody could do Bob Dylan. There's no Bob Dylan impersonators with the fucking harmonica and shit. But this is the beauty of it. Stevie Wonder is a great, what are you, when you, I can talk like you, a mimic. Yeah.

like a mimic I don't know these words impersonator or something like that like he had to sit Bob Dylan down and sing the song how they wanted them to sing it and all of a sudden

he went up there and it was fucking Bob Dylan and you're like what the fuck took so long I'll tell you what took so long he forgot rule number one to be yourself wow

and it's crazy that Bob Dylan can forget it everybody forgets it everybody fucking forgets it until you go Oh, shit. When you're on a movie set and you go in there and the guy's like, Lee, I got a movie part for you. Give me about two months. Then he'll call you a week before.

He goes, Lee, it's three lines. It's three lines. And, you know, you got this. You know, you're going to put so much pressure on you. I don't even know what I was going to tell you. You're going to put so much pressure on yourself. There's a great story about Caddyshack. Okay.

It brought Rodney Dangerfield down. And this all goes in the same kind of. And it was his first fucking movie thing, you know. And he went out there and busted Rodney, but nobody laughed. And all of a sudden he's like, cut. And then he's like, nobody laughed. He goes, Rodney, we're shooting a fucking movie. We can't laugh.

And then the people... Then the people busted out, you know. But what I'm trying to say to you is... You're going to go in there and you're going to think about somebody. I don't know why this happens. It happens to me. When I read lines, when I get an audition and I read the lines, right away I know who they're looking for.

Interesting. In my mind, I go, if I had the money, this is why I would get. So I think psychologically that tells me I got to act like this fucking, you know. Oh, shit. Okay. So, you know, you forget about this shit. So when you're there on the set And they're making you fucking do it over and do it over and you're like what the fuck I'm saying the lines right

They didn't want you to say the lines They could hire a dummy to say the lines They can hire a special Olympian to say the lines They don't need that They want the way Lee would say Hey give me the guy I'm going to leave I'm going to leave Holy shit yeah

And it's I get I when you were telling me to like have fun. I got high and I watched Paper Tiger, one of Bill Burrs. I think it was like two specials ago and it's just I think he to me was a good example of like specials I could watch we could see like it's just him almost having a conversation like it just seems like the way he talks

and it's cool. It was it really helped. It really helped me like relax and like change like if I had bombed this weekend I might have quit. Not going to fuck off. It would help you. was smoking that reefer because you got a juice screw up your ass that it's fucking been telling you and all the other young comedians

that you have to break away that character. We want you to revisit it. The other than that, I went to do the verve with my man Danny Bradd. Now, I've spoken about Danny Bradf on here before. I love Danny Brad. He's funny on stage.

I like Annie Braves' personality and how he, I don't know, he's just a character. So I went up there, I had some fucking yokey, the food was great. I go up in front of Rich Voss. I did about 12 minutes. I didn't do it too good because I wasn't prepared. I didn't look at my notes. I just got in the car and I forgot to look at my notes.

And it's so funny that when we were leaving, he goes, come on, let's take a picture. And they go, come on, let's do it in this hallway. And he goes, hold on. We have to get the light going. You're so Jewish. That's what I love about you. You know, there's times you want your Jeweliness. Right.

You want that for the role. You know, when you watch early Woody Allen, fucking, you know, before the Chinese chick, like early Woody Allen, you know, you fall in love with him. And at points, and at times he does annoy you. You're like, what the fuck's he doing? Like when he, when he had the hot chick and he had the cocaine and she gave him the straw and he sneezed. Oh, yeah. He sucks him so much into that scene with his Jewish vulnerability.

Right? Like, he sucks you into that scene that when he fucking sneezes, they're going to play a star because in your mind, you're going to get your dick suck, you're jealous. You've never done cocaine. came before. But for this time, if it makes you get your dicks up, you're going to sort of line to impress this girl. And it's fucking hysterical. Some people don't look at it that way. You know me, dog. I'm a nerd when I look at those things. That's how you learn.

That's how you fucking learn. But what, like, do you think, like, at the beginning, Woody Allen had to, like, take that away from him to, like, get, like, get confident? Or, like, what do you, do you have to, like, be... Woody Allen didn't even know he had it. Wow. Okay. Nobody knows they have that. But back to, you know, they want you. They want you.

Listen, it's tough to bomb when you're you. It's very tough to bomb when you're you because you're being honest. Very tough to bomb when you're you. When I go on stage and I write a joke and I think it's, a good joke. I do good with the joke. But when I'm on stage and I throw that joke up and I'm high and the THC gets my mind and also I start throwing those little bombs after a joke, that's you. That's who they want to fucking hear. That's why I don't like L.A. for early comedy. I don't like LA for early comedy

because they take your mind to talk about a TV show. I don't want you to talk about your TV show. I want you to tell me about fucking what makes Lee tick. And what's going to get that out of you is you being in bad pressure situations. Jesus.

Where your friend says, listen, I'm abandoning this material. I'm done with you. this sucks. I'm at the seven minute mark. I'm not getting nowhere. Right. I got another 13 left.

You know, after three more minutes of this, I'm expecting a tomato to fly. But I tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to dump this fucking material. And I'm going to start by singing a song. Do you people like songs? I'm dreaming of a white Christmas.

You're bombing all. already. Right. You're bombing. You might as well work on your singing your next career. Have you just sang on stage? All the fucking time when I was bailing. I would rap on stage to doubt.

How do you like me now I'm in the mix? You know, just to get. You have to throw everything out there. It's so fucking crazy. When you're bombing and you're looking at these jamokes and you made a mistake by booking this room, you didn't know that it was 60 people that never fucked they never 69 and nothing like that

they're just going through life fucking staring at each other telling each other they love him he's never pulled the hair he's never little feet on fire you know he's never done anything to her she's never took to his asshole with a feather and you have those people it's tough to take him on an imaginary fucking ride because they got no imagination you know they've never gone home and oh honey we're going to try something different

tonight I'm going to put a bottle rocket up your pussy and see you fly you know what I'm saying oh my God I love doing that holy shit do you 69 what do you mean have you ever 69 no no I've never done

are you fucking crazy that's my main game thrower that's that's that's you right there yeah you flip them up Are you on top or the bottom? I'm on the bottom. I'm the king of swing. You pick up their legs and you spill them around and you wish it lands on black.

You know what I'm saying? I don't know. Yeah, that's a great position. I never really, I tried to go on top once and she pushed me off. Oh, sure. You drop 40 pounds of hummers balls.

They can't take that. They got to start something in the helmet and then the balls laying there, If you throw it upside down, now they got a little Jew dick and some hummers nuts coming at you. Not too many people can't handle that leak. No, I can't. So you get the bottoms. Like me, I got those lung nuts.

I got on top. You're dying. I'm dying. I'm not going one in an hour. You know, you're not going anywhere. How long do you have, did they fall into the water? What's with these personal questions? I don't know.

Did you have a 6-9? Do they fall in the water? No, they don't fall in the water. It's what people want to know. You shit in the lake. Off of a rock. Nothing hits my nutsack. All right.

What is wrong with you today? Asking perverted questions. You've been in that condo too long, cucket? Oh, yeah. I have, oh, my God. I have to do more mushrooms next time, though. You have to do more everything. You live like a fucking monk during the week.

Hey, hey, hey. And I'm driving to what's, who gives a fuck? Eight, put 60, listen, you might have to come down here this summer for a week because I got a new idea for a fucking show that's gonna listen. Six episodes on YouTube. Right.

We're gonna get it off. Like a rehab place? No, what fucking rehab? Who's going to a rehab? I don't know, it's me, apparently. No, that was three years ago when the guy still worked at the rehab. He ended up going to jail for insurance fraud.

He's doing six to ten in Florida now. I forgot about that. You told me you were going to send me to rehab and give me $20 grand. Yeah, that's what they do. They take the insurance money. They give you a little kickback. Then they put your brother's name on them, your sister and mom, and the whole family goes to rehab.

You got $100 grand. Everybody gets a new start. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, but now he's in jail. That's okay. So what are we going to do for this show? What's this? What am I do?

What am I doing? This show is so fucking powerful. I can't even send it over the airwaves. Okay. Because there's only four or five people that can pull this off. And look at themselves straight in the fucking face. You know, if I put this out there, I'm going to tell you who's going to steal it? Fucking, that creepy marijuana fucking channel.

Vice with their fucking crumpets and, you know, deep breaking his shit. What the fuck? And then they got the weak. people smoking pot. They got people got no testosterone. They're smoking 18% T.HC talking about, you know.

I think Vice closed. They saw a mosque or some shit. Nah, I just, the other than I was going through it and Vice was on TV. They still got the channel. They didn't do nothing. They were kind of taking chances. Then they fucking folded.

And then they put a bunch of good she shows on, but with the wrong fucking people. You know, these fucking little testosterone, no testosterone kids. You know, they eat Uber Eats and shit like that. They don't leave the house. They got no sunlight.

And they think they're dropping knowledge about Mount Fuji or whatever the fuck they're talking about now. It sounds like you're describing me to be honest. Not really. You're a different type of animal. You're out there doing things. These people ain't doing things. Somebody's paying for their fucking college tuition.

and all of a sudden they're fucking Confucius. And now I'm on a fucking TV show to talk to the consumer about weed and the shows got awful. Listen, I tried my hardest. My agents didn't even want to go in there because they're like, it's no money, Joey. I go, I don't care.

I have to prove a point. You got these fucking Jamokes on there, fucking taking five milligrams. and this paper pen is tremendous. Get these fucking Jamot's off. You're not doing nothing for the marijuana industry. I'm sorry. That's my fucking take for the day.

You know what I'm saying? I love it. Speaking of take, I haven't watched it because I don't think I could, but you used to talk a lot about, like, child actors you'd see in L.A.? Yes, sir. Did you hear what's going on with, like,

that, like Nickelodeon producer this week? I know something about a documentary. Yeah, like, just him, like, doing terrible. Like, did you see anything or, like, experience? I don't even know what a documentary is. Not like, but I just meant like with like the, with kid actors. Like, did you ever see people acting weird with them or like being like? You know, there was one situation where I was a little concerned.

And I'm not a crime stopper. But I actually knew the producer, like outside the set. That's how I got the job. I'm not going to look at movies or anything. And I had done a few films with these guys. These aren't like release films. These are straight to DVD, Disney, fucking, you know, a couple different channels. And I knew that going in.

But it helped me get insurance and it helped my acting. whatever, you know, you learn something. I ended up doing like five or six movies with them. But there were kids in these movies. And who I did not like on those movies. There was a teacher, a male teacher. Whoa. That they hired, and he kept doing the movies with us.

You know, he was with us in Colorado. He was with us in Northern California. He was with us in, I think Ohio. We shot. I just didn't, you know, something. And then somebody came to me when they and said, what is it with that guy? And I go, it's like he was wanted for pedophilia in another state.

And he changed his name and he moved to California. And he became a teacher on the sets. And it was just very disturbing. So when the other person came to me and I know me, I'm a fucking idiot. But when this person who was very, you know, white, great person, family man, great wife, she was an actress also, he said it and like I took the producer's side and the producer's like we've all noticed that. We run background checks. But, you know, I can't.

I can't. I don't want to be involved in that stuff. And here's the funny thing. Like they had some producer, right? They had some dude who was in a jacuzzi with a kid and all that stuff. You know, guys, we came, we saw some creepy stuff out there. And throughout the years, you're going to see something in L.A., save it in your memory bank. And 12 years from now, Ditty gets caught in an orgy jumping up and down with a bunch of rapids.

you know, but you heard something 15 years ago and you were like, ah. Right. It's like when my mom used to go, Rock Hudson's a fag. I used to go, stop. Right. Stop.

Don't say those things. And then one day, 15 years later, you hear about, you know, those people weren't wrong. That's what you're about to see in the next couple of years. I listen, I don't know what's going on out there. I know that

I know that I was never a part of anything out there beside the comedy store and when I did a movie or whatever I always had a good time but I never felt like I was always in the circle

and guess what I didn't want to be no I was very fine by my book it seems like that could be like a bad thing now like being in the circle like it seems like it leads to bad things. For me, acting and stand-up was, I don't know,

it was what I did. It wasn't my lifestyle. I didn't enjoy going to Hollywood parties. I didn't enjoy any of that stuff. The last season premiere I went to was, I'm dying up here. Okay. That's how I did for Showtime.

Mm-hmm. And I remember walking out of there going, this is it. they were bad people. In fact, I had a great time at that party. The food was great. There was some other comics there. Bobby Lee, I was giggling.

It was just that that wasn't my circle. That was never my circle. And I knew it. I knew it maybe after the fifth time I were. They were nice. I got along with them, but that's where it stopped. On the longest yard, I was part of a couple clicks. We had to be.

It was 17 weeks. Right. There were some clicks I looked at and go, hey, good to see you guys. See you on tomorrow morning on this side. That's it. Like, would you, and I know you're in Jersey now, but like if Mercy wanted to get into acting, would you let her? Like, did anyone ever approach you with Mercy?

Absolutely. Absolutely. From the time she was born, maybe three weeks later, somebody had set up an account for her already at an agency. how is that for commercials Wow Like She's a little girl

I don't want nobody touching it Are you right You kidding me No She talks shit from time to time To me about acting And You know she's in the school band

But I don't I'm not promoting it here in this house Not right now No Not right now Number one I'm not driving her all over the fucking place for audition

I don't want to go to audition That doesn't mean I want to drive her to a fucking audition And double park and send her upstairs And she's got to go in a creepy room Not right now Not right now But this is me There's a lot of people that

It's really funny how People who didn't do well And I'm not saying everybody But when you get to LA The people that are pushing their children wanted to be actors, but it never fell through for them. So now they're pushing their kid. You know, I didn't want that.

Well, I was a kid. You were a kid. When you get older, you start looking at your kids and going, this is what didn't work for me, whatever. I just wanted to have fun. That's it. I just wanted to giggle, win some games, lose some games,

fuck up in some games, hit a home running one game you know people cheer for her like I saw two years ago the first time she hit like scored and much bass everybody clapped and she was like what the fuck is that I gotta keep doing that if I want people to clap

you see it you learn it you know hell yeah so all that's been very impressive my brother so where you're headed you headed to fucking Viva Las Vegas next week I'm in Vegas all week. I'm so at 8 o'clock every night. Where are you doing shows at Tarzan?

8 o'clock every night at the Stratosphere. And then I have some other shows. I'm probably going to jump in on Brett Ernstia shows Tuesday and Wednesday at the Stratosphere. And then we'll see what else happens. But I'm at the strat every night. I can't, I can't, like I've heard for years about comics doing a full week. And this is my first one.

And I can't fucking wait. I, but I am, I've heard it like, am I going to get? And I know you don't know, but like you, I remember you talking about like the employee buffet or something. Are you working at the strategy? Are they paying you for the week? Yeah. And they're putting you up? Yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah. You got a little employee card. You go downstairs. You'll have a good time. Oh, Jesus. You're like it has a hit out of bite mark in it. You'll see little fucking hair in your food and bite marks. You know, your fish will have, like, the skin will be pulled.

off it, where the people pull the skin off, up and the tea, if it was crispy enough, and they're like, okay, we don't want that now. You'll see all that stuff. You know what I'm saying? You'll see soup with like those wrappers and the crackers in there.

Oh, God. I don't think they have buffets anymore. Listen, go, have a good time, eat shit, walk around, you know, learn. This is, this is, you're doing comedy for tourists. right and they come in every night and it's a different one night you're gonna get a busload of

chinese people good luck good luck you're up there fucking singing chinese songs and shit you're up there lip-syncing fucking you know i used to love that chinese song you would sing like yaddi you know how many times it was bombing at the store in the original room and i would sing that fucking song and it would bring me back. Because I did not give a fuck. I would just start belting it. I wouldn't even look at the audience. I would look up and go, whatever happens,

happens. And like, I can't actually, here's a question for you, because, like, the comedy store is kind of tourists, right? Don't you think? Like, I mean, there are people there, but. More, like, listen, when I first got there, it was locals.

Who the fuck was going to fly to California to go to the comedy store? after 2015, it became like Disneyland on Sun. I got a text message from somebody yesterday

that wasn't fucking drinking down the block in the comedy store and they go, oh shit, you're home. Your old home? Yeah.

That's right. Wow. You know, so yeah, now it's more of when Bill Burr and a bunch of us were there.

A lot of people, I would talk to them every Tuesday night And they would tell me what, it was a comedy vacation. Oh, for people, yeah, to come in. They would stay at that hotel. I would appreciate that so much because no, no, no, no. Tuesday, they were flying from, let's say, Chicago.

Tuesday, they were going to the store. Wednesday, they were going to the end probably. And then Thursday, they were going to like a baseball game in Angel Stadium. because Friday they were going to see somebody at the Brea Improv. Like, I would go, you flew in from Chicago,

and they're like, yeah, we've heard about the Brea Improv. You know, or they would go to San Diego to watch a comic. It was pretty impressive. These people were mixing, like, comedy at night with sightseeing in the morning,

you know, like different places, whatever. And as a comic, you want to hear that. It does something to you. Like, they were like, We wouldn't have come to California. We weren't going to come by the comedy store and we were going to go catch, you know,

Sarah Silverman at Largo. That's big. They're coming out there to support, you know. So there was a time the last two years of the store, I'd say that the comedy store was like Connor McGregor. You know, when Conner McGregor goes to Vegas, everybody jumps up and down. Everybody gets a dollar in their pocket.

He generates that much income. There was a time. man with the store, like people were going to the Japanese place to eat next door, which is, you know, $200 a plate in there. You ain't going to there fucking with no coupon. There ain't no happy hour.

Whatever the fucking name of it is, Tanaka, whatever. I forget what it was. I mean, right next to the store, right? Right next to the store. You don't even know it's a sushi restaurant. It's fucking, there's not a sign, there's nothing. You walk up to, it's

like you walk into somebody's house. And then the house is the fucking sushi restaurant. Shit, I never went in there. It looks like a castle almost. Yeah. In 23 years, I was there twice. And it was my brother, because he was picking up the check. I don't know that about that.

They wanted $15 for just one steak on a stick. Fuck that. Just one, but it was the best fucking Japanese steak you ever had in your life. And he wasn't watching, so I kept ordering more. Let me get two more. Two, two, two, two more. Two more, two more. Two more, don't worry, you know.

Don't worry, eat him in one bite. I kept ordering two more and him another drink. Get another two drinks. You and the bread. This is fucking 2000. Last time I was in there, Lee, had to be 2005, six. Wow. And sometimes if you were pulling up to the store,

you could see people sneaking up there. It was well hidden. Fucking forgot the name, but Tanaka, one of those fucking names. Katana. Katana. Maybe, yeah, I walked by a million times.

That's, uh, I never went there. That's fucking, are you, because you're not, I know you're not, you're not a cheap person, but there was a, someone at the show last night who was going to change their plane ticket for like 600 bucks. and I was like, I would never, there's not a situation that I would spend $600 to like get a couple more hours of sleep.

Do, like, are you, are you past that or like, would you spend like the money on like fancy, so you don't seem like a fancy sushi or like a, like anything like that sort of person? Listen, we all want to be fucking hunky dory, right? Right. I've said this before that. I was left in a different situation with most people. I was left in a situation where my mother didn't leave her will. And she left the house. She left gold.

She left money. And I got that shit yank from me. I never saw a dime of it. You know, when I spend money now, I think about my daughter. This ain't my money. There's her money. Who the fucking line to go get an $82 piece of sushi because I think I'm Johnny Bananas? Are you with me?

Like, I love lots of tales. I love fucking a good steak, you know. I love all these things, but at what point? Really? I'm going to push my flight back to save 600. What if you get to the airport and that flight you were on? Got delayed for eight hours. And you just dropped 500 on the earlier flight.

Listen, if you have that type of money, God bless you. I know if I had that type of money, I wouldn't be on a commercial flight, motherfucker. Oh, shit. I'd be hitching on a flight with fucking guns and roses or something like that. Fuck it. You know, you know what I'm saying?

So you just switched to $600. What was he staying for? No, no, he was leaving. He was leaving like, he just didn't want to wake up for the 5 a.m. flight. There was like an 8 a.m.

flight. And I was like, I tried to talk him out of it. Because the Jew and me, like with Josh and Jacob, they smoke. And for a set, like a month ago,

Jacob was like, oh, let's just smoke in the rental car. We'll pay the, and I can't, like the $500 fee to smoke in a car. I would never, Like smoking a room, so I can't do that. I'm so fucking cheap.

No, I don't smoke in my hotel. You've never done that? I'll smoke if they have a balcony. I'll smoke a balcony. You know, I don't care what kind of glass you got. A little bit always sneaks in. Yeah. You know, so a little bit, oh, you have to sit out there for a couple minutes

and let an air out of your clothes and air out of everything. and then go inside. You know how many times I smoked a fucking bazooka on my balcony? My daughter's in the pool right there. Laguna Beach. My wife's in there with the neighbors. And I'm on the back. And I turn around the fucking doors open this much.

My wife comes up and he goes, this room smells like fucking refa. The worst thing, listen, I never stole a car in my life. And I'll tell you why. Because when you get pulled over, you got nowhere to go. You're in the car.

You got the evidence on you, you fucking. dummy. And number two, if you smoke in a hotel room again, cops knock on your door, you got nowhere to go. What are you going to jump off the fucking balcony? If the security comes up to your room and says, you know, Mr. Syatt, we've been smelling weed, we got a couple complaints,

and there you are with a joint your room. So, listen, you've been in hotels with me. What's the rule? We check in, we go upstairs, and the time it takes me to pee, call my wife and roll a joint. I come right back downstairs. Do we not? Right. Always.

Always. And we go smoke a joint and see what the fuck's going on. I would never tell you to come to my room and smoke a joint. Not even when I did Vegas and I had the big room upstairs. We didn't smoke a room. Bro, when you're a comic, you know, privileges are privileges. And in life, privileges or privileges. I love smoking. weed. But you'll never

see me driving smoking a fucking joint. No. Very seldom. We used to go to the ice house and smoke a joint outside the ice house. But you could name in 10 years. How many times are we

driving down the 101 acting like Cheech and Chong? Did we have 2,000 milligrams in this? Yes, we did. Nobody asked. But were we driving and Cheech and Chong in it? You know what I'm saying? No.

Like, I'm, like, because where should I, do you have any tips for, like, on the strip? Like, where do I go to smoke? I don't want to get in trouble. Like, do they care? It's no. Where would you smoke? It's legalizing the city. They got weed stores in Vegas.

I know they have, but I didn't know where if I could smoke right on the strip, like by the hotel. You smoke, where to fuck you want. When you get to the stratosphere, they'll tell you where to smoke. When you get downstairs to do the show, don't go, no, go out of that door right there. Nobody will bother you. They have a smoking lounge, you know, even at Dodger Stadium.

They just don't fucking tell you. Really? Yeah, you can smoke dope and dine. You got to walk 18 miles past the Mexico. It's out there with the Yakuza or something with Shiro Suzuki's people, whatever the fucking guy is that got caught for gambling. Hold on.

What's about that? Huh? Go ahead. Shoney and Tony. Yeah. That's my boy. But now with this gambling thing. Hold on one second while we talk to you savages about better help.

All right. This episode is brought to you by better help. Let me ask you something. How do you recharge? Do you need a night out with your friends or do you like to spend time alone? I like to spend time alone. That's why I started going to better help. Listen, you got to build a better social life that doesn't drain you.

We always pick up these spare flies. They come into our lives. They want to ask us creepy questions. You know, listen, therapy can help you figure out what that looks like, all right? Better help is amazing. Their trained therapists will work with you to help you set boundaries, learn positive coping skills, and become a kick-ass version of yourself. You could talk to your therapist over a video call, a phone call, even a message,

whatever works for you. Listen, we're living in some crazy times. And I don't know if you've got out there to check the prices and see what's going on in the real world right now. If it's up to them, they'd rather you walk around not knowing what you're supposed to know. Better help change all that. All you need to do is take a quick quiz.

They'll match you with a licensed therapist. And if you don't like the therapist, don't switch a therapist to a new one for free at any time. Listen, yeah, we all need to work on coping skills. and not the thought. Listen, we need to talk to somebody. You need to figure out what's going on and BetterHelp is there to help you. So do your thing. Find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Diaz. Today, I'm going to get you 10% off your first month. I'm going to do something solid for you. And like I said in the beginning, listen, I like hanging out

with myself. I got problems too. Don't think you've got problems because you like hanging out for yourself. But if you want to know why you want to hang out with yourself, contact BetterHelp. Don't figure it out for you. And remember, this episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a shot with BetterHelp.com slash Diaz. Again, D-I-A-Z, and get on your way to being the best version of yourself. Guys, I was with them for months, and look at me now. I'm living like a doctor. Tip, Top, Magoo. So if you're walking around, who bots, get a hold of better help. Don't forget.

Code Diaz. D-I-A-Z. Thank you. And now back to the craziness. We're back bitches. And don't forget, our little brother Lee Syatt used better help last week after he bombed. And then when he found out the club was going out of business after he bombed,

he double called him again. He had her on speed text. You know what I'm saying? He was over there sending a smoke signal for the shit. Can you believe that? I'm half happy because now there's no evidence that it was there, but now I can't go back and, like, redeem myself. Lee, there's some places you just don't go back. No, I'll never go back.

You just don't, listen, Lee, from 94 to 96 and 97, I was bombing all over. You know, I was like Israel. I was just bombing like fucking Israel. I mean, it was, you know, but it was a bunch of places. I was bombing comedy clubs. You know, there were two comedy clubs that gave me love in Denver all the time. And it was George McElvey's comedy club in the comedy corner, which was a McElvey Club on the other side of the town. He always gave me guest sets.

The manager hated me. Hated me. Why? I could see him on stage going like that. Like when I was on stage bombing, he would just shake his head. But the owner of the club and me were tight. He really liked me. He got me into the club in Judy Brown's club when she was a manager down there before, you know,

Bert's manager and stuff. He got me into that club. He had made some other clubs me. George McElvey was a well-known. comic from Denver. I've been on a Tonight Show. And when he started comedy, his comedy duo was with Steve Martin.

Holy shit. Yeah. This guy was the real deal, George McCalby. And it was like you meeting me. You coming in and go, and Joey, when I got on stage, he would just cut me off. Shut the fuck up. He would be like drinking a bottle. Here's one of those. You're going to go

up there. You can give him 10 minutes. I want you to throw the kitchen sink at him and then back off for a minute. closing with that joke you do about eating and check out. I mean, he was great with me. Like, he just guided me all those years. I didn't give him enough credit over the years, but I love George. But I remember, like, I would be bombing there on Saturdays

because he would give me a guest set every other Saturday at a different club. So I did two at one club and two at the other club. This went on for about three months after I basically just gave up. I was like, I'm not going up there anymore. What am I doing up there? You know what I'm saying? Every time I go up there, people like him again. You know, I mean, you have to be honest with yourself after a while.

It's not fucking working here. I was very New Yorkish or in my mind it wasn't working. You know, these gigs that you're doing with Josh right now, that you're very fortunate in Nashville and Virginia. I was doing Wyoming. Think about what born would make, with make-believe seats 400 people with 200

them with cowboy hats on it smells like shit and pigs and fucking god-awful in there and you get there you're like this is my career and I remember getting up on stage doing 15 minutes and just it was a slow debt it was a slow debt

and I remember the guy would give you a buck and a quarter your hotel is around the corner a hotel. I don't want to wake up in the city at dawn. They're going to shoot me. I would get the fuck out of there. You don't know. You know, Wyoming, Utah, fucking Montana. I bombed all over

Montana. I'm surprised fucking, what's that show for Montana that they do? Yellowstone? Yeah, I'm surprised they haven't shot me on that fucking show for bombing all over Montana. You know, that's it. Idaho? Oh, my God. The other dad was sitting there watching something with my wife.

And they were talking about Idaho. And they went, Twin Falls, Idaho. And I remember looking at my wife within two minutes and I go, not only did I bomb there, I got arrested there. You know what I'm saying? I got arrested there. Two weeks in a row. The first time I went, because the clubs were across the street.

It wasn't, listen. There weren't clubs. They were fucking. you know, karaoke bars in Twin Falls, Idaho. And it was a street. And both streets had actionally, you know, like barbecue and this, steaks, and those bars with the bull,

and they had another bar. We did the line dancing. So we, I don't know. I followed so many line dancing, fucking classes and nights and ladies' nights. And the one we, it was like on Tuesday night. I didn't look at my schedule.

I never looked at the schedule. And the Tuesday night, the first week was Tuesday night, and I went up there, and Lee, come on. I get into an argument with a heckler. But the reason I got into a reason I got into an argument with a heckler because I was bombing, you know what I'm saying? Like he had insult me.

Like, I'm up here wasting my time. And then I, I didn't know. I was bombing. They threw them out. We said some shit to each other. Well, that Sunday, I look at my schedule. I'm like, I'm back in Idaho next week. I got to drive to one show like in Washington, but then I'm back in Idaho, right?

I'm going, well, what the fuck? And by Tuesday, I realized I'm back in Twin Falls. Like, what the fuck? Where am I tonight? And it was the club across the street. I'm talking about Lee, the comedy store in comparison to where they used to eat fucking sushi off the naked women on sunset. Oh, yeah. It's real close, like 80 yards in the store. That's how far, though, the other Wednesday night was, the Thursday night or whatever.

Wherever I came from in, wherever I came in from, I got there early. So I changed the hotel room. I go, let me go eat some Chinese food at the fucking mall. Let me go to a, no, let me go to the more. Right. I go more, and I'm at the food court, and there's one of those Chinese joints. And I get, you know, you're getting $75 a night, Lee. You're not getting the lobster countenise.

You're going to get the fucking bowl with the noodles, and you get them for everything, for $8.99. While you're eating the chicken, you know, it's not chicken, but fuck it. It is what it is. It could be a goat. It could be some kids fucking turn. Turtles. And the motherfuckers

that I got the beef with walk up to me at the mall. Oh, no. Medium from last week. Anyway, I hit him with the tray or the Chinese who got stuck through his head. And I got arrested. The cops caught me running in the parking lot. And I got put in jail until fucking the show started.

At 901, the fucking Booker had to send bail money and the other comic had to come pick me up. You know, I was bombing all over the fucking place. But that wasn't going to stop me. I knew that the more numbers that I did, I'd get to where it'd have to be. I didn't know it would be 10 more million fucking spots. And I know it's not something you recommend.

How good did it feel to hit him in the head with the tray? Tremendous. At that time, it was perfect. I was going through a divorce. I was broke. I was shopped up in my way across country. And I had a fucking car with the axle was fucked up. And I had a radiator that blew up every 800 miles.

I had to fucking put that little metal stuff in the radiator and it would grip again. Come on, man. Those are the stories. You know, those are the best times of my life when I look at that shit. When you're driving a car like these people only used the spare tire for 50 miles. motherfucker. I used that spare mouth through states.

What? Rural states. Who shot that? States. You understand me? Yeah. Oh my God. Do you just shit yourself?

Like that sounded like not as like that sounded a little... It wasn't a shit myself. It was a little gas that came out of my asshole, you know? It didn't sound like a little gas. I had a protein shake. I hate you. How do you keep drinking those things? Because I didn't have time to eat.

I had a protein shake with some raspberries. I put some raspberries with some coconut water, a couple ice cubes and two scoops, seven points of protein, 45 grams just to get it in there and shit. But every time you drink those things, you fart nonstop. That's the beauty of it.

I'm preparing myself to be in social settings. I love it. I wanted to ask you like a quick comedy quite like I when I changed it up my set this week I did it like a two three minutes on Nashville and I've seen like comics do that a lot and I've never did it like is that

do you recommend writing something on like the city? Always. Okay. Always. Always. Now tell you why. It shows the audience that you made a commitment to find out about their city.

When I was young and balls and, you know, I loved getting to a city early, even though I had a scoop in my car and then take a shower at a hotel until the hotel let me check in there for the comedy club. I did that a lot. I did that a lot. Just go to the hotel where you're going to stay

and spend the night in the parking lot and get up, brush your teeth, in the little thing. Tell the clerk, I'm going to be in here about an hour. So I'm going to go back to the bathroom and do my thing. And then you go out and you look at the day until two until you can check in. Trust me, it's a long day when you've got to kill five hours

and all you got half a joint and $18, you know. But you find stuff. And then all you got to do all you got to do is read a paper. And then I'm going to give you some inside stuff. Yeah. Some people. Okay. So now, once you've been to that town twice, you know, that's why I tell people.

I didn't have the funds, Lee, when I was. But when you're a feature act and you have a normal upbringing and you have money in the bank, I know it's hard to tell a feature act that's making $300 or $400 for the week to go to a $50 steak. So look at me. Come on, man. I can't afford that. Do it. It's an investment.

It's like buying a Facebook ad. You're going to go to that steakhouse. You're going to have the best steak. You're going to tip the waiter. You're going to find out the waiter's name. And what would I used to do when I go on stage and have these places? I went to your restaurant today. Okay.

I had my man Gary with the one earring in his fucking nose. Everybody who goes to that restaurant has seen that guy. what the one earring in his nose. And talk about it, give you your opinion on it. How many times were we in Austin together or anywhere in Texas? I always opened up with Katrina and the shrimp, you know, the gumbo. I always talked about gumbo in any part of Texas. Louisiana, you know, you have to connect.

You know, find out who's got the best Jew food in town? Let's go. Let's get an Uber. Now, when you go to that town, you could talk up a pastrami. You could talk about this. When I go to Cleveland, I go get pastrami. So now when I'm fucking ribbons,

whatever the fucking name of that place is, now before I go to that town, I'm telling you, I'm excited to go there. That connects me with you. You're like, fucking Joey, sat on the Rogan fucking podcast. And when he comes to Indianapolis, he's going to go to fucking Mottovan Burgers,

whatever the fuck, you know, Michael Jackson Burgers. I don't fucking know. Right away, that lets you know that you appreciate the area. Right. I wouldn't talk shit if I didn't appreciate your fucking area. So that appreciation, like I went to Nashville once, and it was a week the man got caught sucking somebody's dick in the cemetery, something,

five, six years ago. And I think people were talking about it. And I'm watching this going, look at these nice white people. What's the word to say? Gossip? No, they're not gossiping. Not at all. It was a current event, and they were just discussing it,

but they were covering up blowjob in the best way they could. They had sexual contact. Everything they could spend. Do you follow them saying to you? Yeah. Who knows what they were doing, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know, everybody knew what the fuck they were doing. just say it

I don't know what they were doing you know boom fucking go up downstairs just say what you think give your opinion on it and in the middle of my act

at the 12 minute mark when I don't need me help I don't need me help I don't need a fucking Nashville joke right doing good on my own I threw it out there and I saw people

fucking kicking tables off that's that just happened it happened like Tuesday and I got there on Thursday and all these things you talk about by going to the local diner going to breakfast at a place

go over to drop the 10 bucks you're going to hear shit that's give you material why are you saving the 10 bucks because the hotel's going to give you that fucking those fucking eggs made by some chick with a missing thing you don't need that shit

just drink the juice, get the free cup of coffee and go down the fucking road steal a donut for later go down and listen I eat the hotel breakfast but I also go out to breakfast one day if I'm there for four days how many days you're going to eat the hotel

how many days are you going to eat Cheerios and that fucking dang you know what I'm saying? You don't even like Cheerios. Nobody likes Cheerios. I don't care if you got a half a heart you won't eat fucking Cheerios. How many days? I can just see you yelling at me at that.

Like, how many days you can eat cherries? How many fucking days you can eat this raisin brand that's two weeks old? How many fucking weeks? You got to do something. You got to loosen up. Let's go get some warros, Roncheros or something. Something. A grapefruit.

I don't give a fuck. Right. Okay. And would you try to change it up every time? Because you can't do the same joke the next year you go to the city, right? No, but you went to a different restaurant. Okay. You went to a gay bar.

You went to a bar. You went to a museum. You drove by a school. You know, these are all the things that when you go into an area, you know, you grab that energy, man. And I know you're looking at me going, what the fuck? This is Joey Diaz who fucking fart. There was something about that. And then I remember going to these cities now as a feature.

And I'm 600 bucks for six shows And you know In the back of my mind I already got an eight ball bought So that's I'm clearing 350 The plane ticket was a buck 50 to get down there What am I clearing?

Not clearing dick So what am I going to do You want to pay my light bill with that last hundred Fuck the light bills I got to back up on candles Fuck it Go to a restaurant Okay

Go to a nice lunch restaurant You know go over They have a lunch special Talk to people Who were you from? I'm from California No shit My girlfriend from

Hollywood No come on Yeah She used to work at the comedy store And she sucked dick in the valley Oh I know her You know And next thing you know

You got someone You need weed while you're here Fuck yeah Oh let me come to your show tonight Boom and you're learning about that area. I learned, listen, I learned so much about Houston, Beaumont, Texas, Dallas, Texas,

El Paso, Texas, fucking Austin, Texas, you know, Baton Rouge, Louisiana. It was just so many of them. Places, I would have never gone to if it wasn't for comedy. Las Crucese, that's New Mexico. First time I went to New Mexico was for comedy. I thought I was going to get killed, you know,

a fucking Arizona. I went to Arizona in 84, but the next time I went was to do comedy in Tempe. Like, I don't know, 15 fucking years later, you know. And you just, you know, I had greasy Tonys in Arizona. The fat guy from Jersey who didn't sleep, who put speed in his Mountain Dew. You know, we had San Francisco.

We had, it's just such a beauty to travel after a while as a comic. I love it. And to have your roots in that city, especially as a feature act. You have more freedom. It's not your week. It's got nothing to do with you. I'm just doing 25 minutes,

and I'm out of there. I'm not hanging out with this fucking stiff telling me about his agent and some movies he's reading for. I need this. He doesn't want to see what the city are. I mean, the guy likes you and he goes, come out with his lead.

Yeah, you go out with the headline. But if not, you're working a bitch from the minute you get to that club at 8 o'clock. You know, as soon as you get off the stage, you're hanging by the bathroom. Make him believe you're watching a comic. But you're waiting for brunch to come on. Oh, my God, you were so funny. Really?

You want to swallow my sword. You know, you're rock and rolling. You're going back to the girl's house. She's got a girlfriend. She's got a boat. This is part of being a comic. Right. You've got to live.

This was what my problem was. Before I left L.A., I wasn't living. I couldn't Now I got four years of stories to tell I got four years of shit to tell I ran out of shit How many times you're going to hear the same fucking shit But four years again

No I'm a different person It's a different life People wouldn't even believe the shit I see now And what I see every day in front of me I'm looking at a young girl growing up I can't talk about that though people look at me and go and joan yeah no i disagree with that but i think it's uh it's good to hear that like i'm doing like i did the right thing it's but like nat i didn't even know how cool national

was this is like this is my second time here in a few months it's like one of the coolest cities i've ever been to and it's come up a long way man listen i loved all those cities i loved cleveland i fucking love pittsburgh i love buffalo i love fucking You know that. I love all those smaller New York cities up north, the Albany's, and you go there and you look, you know, and you go, what the fuck happened here? They need comedy 24 hours up in this bitch.

Yeah, Albany is a little, I haven't been to that funny bone yet, but the city's a little rough. I still remember taking like an overnight bus and waking up in one of those towns. I don't know where it was. Albany, Syracuse. Now it wasn't Syracuse. Rochester. Rochester. And they have like an overnight.

And it's like seven in the morning. And I'm just, you know, trying to get, they always sold like coffee. They always sold like the chicken soup in a cup, the bullion for a quarter. You're there's freezing in there. You're drinking bullion and shit. Like the other pedophiles at the train station

or the bus station or whatever the fuck it is. You know, the only one went out of scarf. You know what I'm saying? Everybody else was a barred. They're all sniffing seats and shit. And I remember one of those towns, I'm like, what the fuck is that thing? And I walk over.

They have like a little restaurant in the bus station. Like Amelia's, it was basically a fucking bar where like professional drunk people. Like this is the last resort. This is it. Like I asked people afterward and people like, oh, you don't want to go in there. this was a comedy club during the week at the bus station. Holy shit.

They did two one-nighters there. Somebody booked two one-nighters at the fucking, I like to say it was Albany, but I don't know. This place was dingy. And then when I, I think I went there through, yes, because on the way back I had to stop in Albany. And then I got the full scoop. They did comedy there two nights a week.

The place sat like 24 people. but 20 of them were at the bar, you know what I'm saying? They hadn't gotten sun in 30 years, you know. They're in a fucking, and these were locals that hung out at the bus station. Fucking locals. That hung out of the butt. Did you end up doing a show? Not really.

Not really. I got on that fucking Greyhound and Tip-Tip Tally-Hull out of that bitch. I'm going to do a fucking, but when you land at the, ferry in Wehawking there's a sushi place they do comedy there wow that'd be nice

yeah they do comedy there one night they've been doing it since I was coming back and forth I've never you know I think one night I walked past them doing comedy I was coming back to the city while I was shooting the sopranos I went over there to eat or something and I fucking saw them doing comedy one night

I'm like not bad Hey, it's like 22 people who just got off the fucking ferry that can't wait to get home to get a whiskey. They got to stop right now, motherfuckers. Holy shit. Thank God. That's fucked up.

I love that. One of my open mics just closed. I'm bummed about it. It's like one of those local. I love local bars. Local. Yeah. It's just fun.

There was an open mic here in Garwood. It's like 25. minutes from my house. I saw the pictures look like fun. Then I read in the paper, somebody got stabbed there. Mark that off your list. You know what I'm saying? I go to

I go to two places where people got stabbed. Listen, but, and do you do them for free or for money? Open mics. Oh no, you won't see me in there. If I get a $1.50, I'll take a chance. I'll go over and put a fucking dollar in the flower with a guy laid when they got stabbed them.

Oh, yeah, they have candles outside of one. It's Monday nights. Holy shit. I love it. What do you got this week? How fucked up is it where they got candles for you? That's like the people in Connecticut right now. If you go to that club, they got little candles of your name on it, the picture of you and shit.

They've leaned out of space on the candle. I think one of the best things. You know, it took me a couple of years to figure out, I still do. Like, when I went up to Thursday night to the verb with Danny and the other old guy and Rich Voss, I had a blast. You know, and I had a blast being high in the car, thinking about going up there and thinking about, you know. And it's really fun. Like, I can, Josh and I were on the phone the other day. and we were talking about how lucky we were.

And this is why I thought back, and I called you back and said those things to you about, it's time for you to fucking put an anchor in Boston. Because with Denver, even though I was doing a lot of bars and shit, my anchor was the comedy works. When I lost the comedy works, there was other clubs,

but I didn't want to work those clubs. So I had to make my decision right then and there. And the best decision I ever made was going to Seattle. Because we had two open mics, Monday and Tuesday, at the comedy club. And the beauty about it was that he worked with you. He didn't give you a lot of advice. He would say little things to you. And the first time I went on on Monday night, I was number one on the list.

And I went in the next night, and I was number one. And I went in a week later, and I was still number one. And that's how life is, nothing you can do about it. You got to work yourself out of that at all. And I would work with me. And I still remember being number six and going far. Look at Uncle Joey, number six and shit. Because I was listening to him.

He would tell me, take that out, put that in. You were running with that. That's a great joke. Like that, I was on an open mic one day. And I was talking about, you know, I went to my friend's house in Miami. like that this was 90 this is like 97 right before I was in leave Seattle and I pulled the Lee and I took a week in fucking Davy Florida Davey Florida nobody even knows who Davey Florida is well I'll tell you it's where the dolphins practice this is a comedy club in

daily and Davey Florida it was Wednesday Thursday Friday Friday Saturday and Sunday, six shows. No. Fuck, it was like 10 shows. It was 400 bucks. And they put you up on them. But I didn't care. I wanted them to see me.

I was ready for them. I was ready for Florida. You know what I'm saying? Why Florida? I have no fucking idea. So I went down there. I ate a bag of dicks. And, you know,

but it was 400 bucks. the plane ticket was 200 yeah the cab they didn't pick you up no they didn't pick you up and no no see at the condo and you went to the condo there wasn't a key and you didn't have enough money to fucking take another cab

so you got to walk to the comedy club in 90 degree weather to get the key and then walk back to the club with your suitcase and a leather jacket because you just flew in from fucking Alaska. Oh. Oh. Fucking brutal, man.

Yeah. But I enjoyed, the best thing I enjoyed was driving with, when I got to Seattle, Monday and Tuesday, we did the open mic. And then we started branching out. Tuesday night, there was a club that women dancing cages. And you went downstairs.

And the middle of that the deal was at the DJ turned the music off and you got to do seven minutes. Sounds like a great show. Yeah, I knew I was going to bond, but I didn't give a fuck. I also knew it was a set. Right. You know, I don't know, we did all this talking. I forget what my fucking point is.

Why did he go to Davey? There was a story about Davey. Davey because I was a fucking idiot. Because I thought Davey was going to do something for me in the midst of everything. And it was the biggest mistake in my life. Not really, because that's how I met Jim Florentine. Really? That's when we met.

Me and Jim Florentine met in Davy, motherfucking Florida, opening night, Wednesday night. And then I went to the other club to open up from the chick from Nightcourt. And Jimmy stayed in Davy opening up for somebody huge too. That's crazy. That's fucking crazy. I'm in that place I would love to do Davey right now no like I know

there's no club in Davy no more maybe like the Florida Gator house and there's 80 people you don't need that in your life right now but it's really nuts how I worked myself in a great open mic system and it was crazy because

you had to do five minutes you got a light at five and you had to be off at six. And if you ran the light at six, you couldn't come back for a few weeks. I wish more mics did that. No, I did that from July until September, October.

I never questioned it. And then something interesting happened in October. They asked me to do a Seattle comedy competition. Nice. And I said, yeah. And we were talking at the meeting, what, how many sets, And it was, you got five minutes.

The yellow light comes on. You got a minute. If that red light comes on, you don't get action for the night. And I saw so many people get disqualified who had great sets for going six minutes and three seconds. Guess who never went over? Me, because of the training they gave us at the underground.

Carl was, he was preparing us for that. fucking contest. That's great. Yeah, it's a... And you were telling me to put down roots. You think it's good to, like, have a city? You've got to have a home. You've got to have somewhere to grow.

Somewhere where you're going to walk in there as an MC and you're going to gauge your... This is the only way you can gauge yourself. By walking out of there when he sits you down and goes, I love you. You did everything here. I can headline you twice a year, Christmas

and the 4th of July. But it's time for you to go move on and go get some fucking credits. If not, you're going to end up like Dick, Tim, and Joe and credit, but you know, you're the king of Boston, but, you know, everybody thinks they can just pick up a move.

Like, I think a year I'll move to Los Angeles. Listen, you don't want to go anywhere without a rocket attached to your back. What does that mean? You don't want to come off something. You always want to come off a win. You're not going to show up in LA because you just did, I just headlined the stand.

No. No. That's not the way it works. Go do something. Book a row. Wait for the road to come out. Now you got something to bounce on. You know, be a part of something.

Now you got something to bounce on. People always look in the bounce and nothing happened. If you're in Boston, Lee, you get picked to do the, well, no more. They went out of business, Montreal Comedy Festival. I know. So, like, and you get picked for that. That's how you move to L.A. and New York. Right.

Now you've got to manage you. Now somebody's going to come up to Indolee. Where the fuck have you been on my life? I'm looking for the next Woody Allen. And you just walked into the room. You're fucking. Okay. Okay. It's

Because I Is that what Pull the Lee means? It's like just like Not in a bad way But like not over anxious But like over eager Like because when you said you pulled the leave and went to Davey

Like I'm the one who would be like Oh let's move now It was the dumbest move in my life Because there was nothing there with it I wasn't accomplishing nothing I was just getting a feature spot in a B room Why would I spend 400 bucks Why would I spend $200?

hundred bucks to get there. Nothing was going to happen in my career. I would have done better by doing 10 spots in town. Okay. We're doing a triple run or something. You know, there's no need for that right now. You're just going down there for air. Let's pretend you kill. Okay. What are we going to bring you back as? A feature? A feature for $400. Again, so now you're going to come back, but you're going to ask what else is there around here? Mm-hmm. And that's the positive thing. But not really, because now she's going to give you another lady who's going to pay you $400. And the only good thing about that is it's one plane ticket works for two.

Right. So you save there, but where are you going to stay on Sunday, Monday, Tuesday? The bus station. It's always a fucking, by the way, cotsucker. Have a great week. Thank you, buddy. You're a fucking Vegas. I'll be around this week.

I'm going to surprise these cock suckers. Oh, fuck you. That, baby. I'm ready to go. Tip-top Magoo. It's going to be a good week. And guess what? Next week is April. Ticking right along. You can tell I'm high already because my eyes stuck.

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