The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - You don't have to be an amputee to be interesting

Episode Date: March 5, 2024

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt talk about the people watching at casinos, lot lizards and track lizards, burps so bad they woke up Joey's wife, and how Joey forgot who the hell Uncle Joey was for a while, but now he's back! This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://www.betterhelp.com/DIAZ and get on your way to being your best self. The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz

And then two weeks later, you're driving back, and all of a sudden you got three straight troopers behind you and some Chinese guys saying, he did it, he did it. You're like, I didn't do nothing. Jeez. What's happened, you savages? It's Tuesday, the 5th of March. The checking is brought to you by Freeze Pipe.

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I love you. to give up. It's Uncle Joey to do it. I could fucking rule the world. I feel you've got to be thinking. Welcome back to the show. Oh, shit. On a Tuesday morning, you know what I'm saying? Tip. Top, motherfucking Magoogee. How's it

going over there? It's going great. I had a great weekend. How is yours? I know. You're up in Saratoga. Oh, yeah. You go to the soccer, or you bet the horses, anything? That's the most upsetting thing about I love going up. I've been up there like four or five times. The track is open for like six weeks. It's like, oh yeah, it's got to be wrong. There's nothing. And I've always been up there like right

before, right after. I've been to that track once. That's what I, I love going to the track with you in Cal for the track is fun. Track is fun, man. I would have loved to have gone to the track. You have no fucking idea. Like, you know, sometimes I think, well, everything gets a bad taboo. And listen, we have a lot of bad taboos. People are addicted to the internet. internet, people are addicted to some people like gambling. Look, no matter what you do, some people like snorting coke, some people like, you know, whatever. Whatever the fuck you're going to do, you know, what are you laughing about? That's like, no, that's not a minor one.

That's a pretty big one. What's that? You're like some people, maybe you gamble a little bit. Some people snort a lot of cocaine. You know, go to rehab, and now everybody gets mad at cocaine. Some people go to rehab. and people get mad at heroin and prescription pills. Some idiot fucking bets, you know,

the wrong move after people told him and now he loses his house and he has to move with his mother and don't gamble because it's bad. You know, everything is a fucking taboo lately. Like everybody, you know, a million people, let me tell you something. And I tell you this with all my heart because I get a lot of shit for it.

I personally like draft kings. I have met people on the street. that I've come up to me and said, dog, I had a boring life until I got on Draft King. And you're right. The guy goes, I've been on there for two years. I go, so this is the only sight. He goes, nah, you talked about it on your church days.

And I signed up and I'm still with him. Jamie from Rogan, you know, he lives in Texas. He loves Draft Kings when he's out of the fucking state, when he travels with Joe, whatever. They have limits you could set. People have no idea what they're fucking talking about. And there is a lot, the thing that concerns me with gambling that I read about it and I saw an expose on 60 minutes is the video games. You know, the poker's and all that shit.

A lot of those games have something, a light that really drives women crazy. Over the last couple of years, women have gotten more addicted and gotten in trouble with gambling than men actually. That's interesting. Because they get addicted to those games. You know, listen, when I call Lee and I go, Lee, Memphis is playing Brooklyn tonight. The line is eight. And you go, it's eight and a half. We're in New York.

The line goes up a half a point. And I bet 300 times. That's 1,500 if I win and 1,800 if I lose. I got to have the money for you on Thursday. I can make that call with zero money in the bank and zero. coming in like I did a thousand times. That's the bad part of gambling. Now you got to meet the guy on Thursday.

Now you don't have his 300. So he juices you. And now it's going to take your year to get out of that. Right. That's gambling is bad. I actually like the set limits. There's a timer you can put on there. If you go to the casino,

there's so many different things. things. If you have overactivity, they'll send you a fucking email dog. If something's not right, you know, so I respect that more than anything. You know, you were talking about the track. How much did we giggle at the track? Oh, that's it. That was, it's the best. You go eat. It's not even about gambling. But if I bring you this track down here, ooh. Oh, I'm sure that's fine. I'm sure people take it up. I got a track 20 minutes from my athlete. Really?

But it's real. I love those. I can just see them. They're yelling. Oh, yeah. Incubators in them and fucking wheelchairs and people pickpocketing you and people borrowing a dollar. It's real, Jack. Oh, that's, I used to gamble a lot.

Like, like at casino. And those are the people that gambling like Matt. Like, I used to go to commerce. I went to a place. What's the casino in L.A. got raided by the FBI? I was there the next day. Like, I went like, like, people there take it, they fucking take it serious.

Like, and some of them, and they, like, they get mad if you play wrong. Like, I would love to see the track by your house to just see, like, the people who, like, I can just go nuts. And, like, they're hitting themselves with their tickets. I had a guy hitting. It's, it's, it's, it's, there's,

listen, I used to go to the metal ants, which I have not been to, I went to a concert there this last year. Okay. Besides that, I haven't gone to gamble at the Meadowlands. And even though I had to walk home two times from Meadowlands because I lost everything with my friends, those were the best times I ever had.

I swear to God, I'd go down there with the small 40, and if I could stay for six races, I was happy. Yeah. I had no dough when I was 18 and 19. I'd take two 20s. if I lost all my money but I ate a bowl of clam chowder and a beer I won for the fucking day

Yeah And it took all day That's why like it's fun And you don't know anything about Like the horses down to you Do I don't even Dog I haven't smelled the horse in years What the fuck do I know

But you go You pick your daughter's birthday Right Your birthday You look at the things They have little You know I don't know, I forget a lot of shit.

They're bleeders. You have to look for a steroid that they give them. This is all, I'm not up to that shit, Lee. So for me, I would go to the ATM. I'd pull out 60 bucks and I'd go to the track with you. Yeah. And it lasts for however long it lasts. So Joey, why would you take the limit out?

Because I know I'm a fucking loser. So if I know I'm a loser, I go in there for entertainment. But I go in there looking for entertainment. Listen, anytime you go to one of those places, you're just fucking people watch. How many times did I sit with you in a casino, put $20 in the slot machine that, you know, a quarter of a piece, I'm there for an hour. Do you think I wanted to be there for an hour pulling and smelling smoke and hearing Chinese people yelling and shit? No.

But I'm a comedian, and I like the people watch. So you and I Doug, why do you think I would pull a quarter? Once I got bored Then I move up to a dollar And get the fuck out of that That I'd absorb You know, you're watching people

In their natural habitat You're watching a woman Who's 480 pounds Looks like me In a wheelchair She's barely living But she has enough life To pull that fucking arm

Or to hit that button 80 times And you learn from that You're watching that. You're like, wow, that's human nature. This guy's missing two legs. He's got an eye patch, but he's got that one eye on that fucking blackjack table. You know, you see the most interesting people. You don't have to be an amputee.

It can be interesting. What I'm saying is that, you know, they come in with weird suits. You see the women they're with. They're doing drugs. Dog, I used to go to Melands. we would get so fucked up on the stairway. Do you just smoke? We did everything.

Coke, drank, ate pills out there. In between races, you go out to the fucking stairway at the Meadowlands. And there'd be 80 people up there. There'd be a guy getting a blowjob at the bottom of the stairs from some, because they got those chicks that's some dick at the track. Oh, Jesus. It's a real track. Yeah, you'll see them.

What do they look like? again, I never won a male modeling contest, but When you suck dick at the track You what? If you suck dick at the track, I think you've fallen a little far Just outside of the track It's a great market Because you get them while they're hot and there's no fronts

You just won the trifecta. Give me that small 40 and I'll make I fucking suck your dick To your toenails come on, you know what I'm saying? it's not a bad scam. And if you get 10 winners at 50 apiece, you made the small 50, the small 500, there was nine races. You made 40, you made 450.

And hopefully somebody gives you a tip. You know what I'm saying? Thank you. That'd be nice. Holy shit. What about the girls that hang out the trucker stops? Yeah, the lot. But you start driving in the Midwest.

And you say one night, fuck it. I'm going to drive overnight. You pull into a truck stop. You're going. in, you get some fucking a sandwich a bag of chips, and when you come back to your car, as you're getting into your car, some chick creeps

out from in a fucking muffler. Because you don't see it. I mean, you're on high alert. There's truckers, people selling meth, you know, and all a sudden, you walk out there, and as you get in your car, some fucking 17-year-old runaway will come up to you and go, hi, are you

looking for a date? And you're like, and you just slam that car door and fucking drive. It's two in the morning. You might to get mugged. But once you start going on those fucking trucker stops, a lot of trans, a lot of guys who wigs just sucking dick out there. And the truckers, they don't care.

Who's going to rat on them? They've been in the truck for three days. The asshole smells like coffee, Brett. You know, and now some little fucking Mets chick is giving blow jobs out of these places. I never do. Do you think I saw that? Do you ever think I read about that?

I never knew nothing about that. it was a sign i probably saw it when i was like from 95 to like 2000 not even i lived in seattle till 97 so like 94 to 97 i remember one time on a triple run from idaho there was two of them like two little runaways there you know right by the fucking door by the 7-11 or whatever it is jack's hot dog stand and diesel stop. I mean, when you look at that, you go, you know, how many times did I go to one of those places

in the Midwest, and I went in, and the place was, you know, the places like that, like 20 years ago, they had nothing on those places. It wasn't like the Chick-fil-Az there and Starbucks.

You got coffee that was fucking cold and shit. A hot dog on a roller. Bro, somebody would always ask me if I was looking for drugs. Really? Yeah. I think they're too. because I've stopped at a bunch of them recently.

I think they're like probably pretty locked down now. But maybe there's a place. That's a big fucking, they're big, you know, and I'm not saying it happened at every truck stop. Right. I'm talking about maybe four times in 30 fucking years, but it opened my eyes to what the fuck is out there. I have a buddy named Brad who does it,

who's been a trucker for years. And he told me he was out, he's at a truck stop once and saw one of those get out of a truck and use like puddle water to clean herself up. Yeah. Before she went back to her neck. These people are animals. They're animals out there.

You know, it's a different fucking world. But you just think about all these things like that people put a taboo on. They're taboo unless you go overboard with them. That's what makes them fucking baboo. When you bet the fucking, because the guy at this hot dog stand tells you that, you know, eating pussy is great. But if you eat 20 pussies, something's going to happen to your throat. you know, you're going to sound like a singer with a bad fucking...

I'm laughing because you're like, listen, it's okay to have hot dogs sometimes, and then also you should take it easy on the lot lizards. There's some things that you probably shouldn't do, like... The girls at the truck stop. Well, listen, if you fuck a girl at a truck stop, you've got mental problems, isn't it? I got to be honest. if you bang one of those creatures and I don't care how fucking horny you are.

Creatures. What? You call her a creature. What did I call them? A creature. Yeah. If you fuck one of those creatures, it's on you, Jack.

It's on you. You have an option. You have a conscious. You have a lot of things. Listen, I've had a thousand opportunity to do creepy fucking things. You know, who the fuck are you kidding? You go on the road and you

see what happens and what pops up in front of you. And I'm like, listen, it takes two to tango. Maybe I was out there looking for it. But, you know, you got an opportunity to fucking act like fool. And then two weeks later, you're driving back and all of a sudden you got three straight troopers behind you and some Chinese guys saying, he did it, he did it. You're like, I didn't do nothing. Jeez.

Holy shit. I can't imagine. You would get like, I don't know, every how many weekends, like every three weekends, would you have some crazy shit happen? Or like a couple times a year?

Every week. Holy. Every week. Something happened that you got to scratch your headache, whether I got, you know, and I don't remember all the things. Remember,

I was going out of a bus to a lot of these gigs. I didn't have no Maserati. I had no plane on, Paul, I was taking a bus, and that's a complete different set of creepiness. Oh, yeah. That's a complete difference creepiness. And the bus stations are crazy, too. Especially if you're taking, like, a late night 1 a.m. bus.

You remember that bus I took from Bakersfield? After I broke up with Paula, I did the show on Bakersfield, and this girl was at the show. And I thought, like, it was like my only creepy. thing they ever had. Like, she kept saying she wanted to hang out. And like the other comics, like, you should definitely bring her to my house. We went there. And then, like, you used to make fun of some of the girls I dated for, like, being quiet and, like, not talking. She didn't talk at all. And, like, finally, I was like, I did, I let Augustino drive home. I didn't take my own car. And I took a 1am Greyhound from Bakersfield to downtown L.A., and I sat next to this

dude eating like African food. And I was, I just, I was just, I was just staring at my Google Maps on my phone, watching the little dot go all the way to LA. It took like two, three hours or something.

Oh. And then I'd get an Uber from like the downtown LA, like that bus stop. Oh. In, in Bakersfield at midnight is not a happy place to be. No. They know,

listen, there's no bus stop in the country at midnight that anybody's happy. Okay. You ain't whistling Dixie at a fucking buckstop at 11 o'clock at night. When your bus don't leave till five, everything is closed in that bus terminal. Right. Everything. And there's five other guys sitting there 30 yards from each other.

The only thing that wakes those guys up is when a little duck comes on the pond, like some runaway that shy or some wife with a black eye that's got luggage. She's leaving. And that's when these five dudes perk up and go, oh, I've been in this bus station. lonely as a motherfucker. And all of a sudden they try to be helpful and shit. You're like, oh, this lady ain't gonna make it out of Buffalo.

She ain't making it out of Buffalo. Oh, look at that guy. She's talking to, ooh, that's not good. Maybe I should save her. No. Yeah, the buses are a weird place. This is not being well.

My buddy was on a, he was doing a gig in, like, Maine, and he took a video. They have buses from Boston to New York for four 99. Like, what do you, like, there's only one or two seats on it that are $4.99, but what kind of people, like, I saw, like, well, there's, what are they doing? You come on there with chickens and that pet snake. You got to sit next to a guy with a pet snake who's a psychic, you know, I need this in my life.

Like, dog, there's so much, listen, I've been in that predicament tons of time. I'm not, this is why I could laugh at it freely. You know, you want a fun bus? Yeah. Take the LA 1105 to El Paso at 155 in the afternoon bus. Then you get back to me.

So it's 14 hours straight on a bus? Straight. You stop in New Mexico maybe. That's it. That's it. You wake up like at 7 in the morning in New Mexico. The best is when you pass up because you don't go to bed at no.

You don't get on the bus at 11 and go to bed unless you got a drug problem unless you're turning yourself into the authorities. I got one eye open the whole night. I got double batteries. I got the iPod. I'm fucking doing something, but I ain't sleeping. I don't sleep until it breaks me.

So everybody else on the bus is sleeping, and that's when I go to sleep. So pass out like at four, and also that's seven that's throwing you off the bus. In New Mexico, it's fucking cold out. You got to go outside. There's no fucking two-egged breakfast. It's a fucking dude.

Don't speak any English. Just hoofing it, you know. See, for a favor, egg, you know, whatever it is. You're eating like shit. Then you get back on this bus. But I was doing it for the love of comedy. How long did you come in a lot? Like, I wouldn't go visit my grandmother if I had to take a bus.

Do you know what I'm saying? Like if someone called me and said, I'm dying. You got to take a 22-hour bus drive. You're on your own, Jack, because 22 hours, with my luck, you'll die at the 19th hour. You know, call me the week. Let me know. But you'd be pissed. But for the love of comedy, you know, I get on that bus. Right. And how long were you taking buses for, do you think? Well, listen, I would alternate. You know, sometimes I'd could afford a plane ticket.

Sometimes I could afford a high-end, you know, I think I took one train. I tried a train. That was a fucking nightmare. You know, you can't smoke on the train. Fucking, the light is going everywhere. It's windy and shit. I did it all, man.

You know, got in a car with people that I shouldn't have gotten into. You know, this is love of stand-up. This is of loving of what you do. You're single. You have nothing on your calendar. And this is when you listen to those songs by Bon Jovi and fucking the other guy, fucking Bob Seeger about being on the road.

And that's what it's like. It's you alone, you know, in those years. It gives you a lot to think about. And for me, at that time, it's what I needed. I needed to figure out my life. Why not do it at a Greyhound bus station? You know what I'm saying? That's crazy.

I've, because I do okay I stay at like not great places sometimes if I'm paying for it myself. But I like I've never taken a bus. Like do you think I should? Like I'm not going to, I'm not going to take a 14-hour bus.

But like if I'm going like three or four hours, should I just do a bus? Yeah, right. Get a high-end bus that gives your internet. Listen, man, I got on the train the year before the pandemic. Okay.

We'll go up and down the East Coast on the train. And I'm not going to lie to you. It was a little bit pricey. It's gone down. It's gone down, but it was at that time, you know, you're looking at it going, but then you get to the train and you're like, this is fucking great.

Oh, it's all. I got Wi-Fi. There's a waitress who brings your food if you want. I mean, you're not going to get fucking lapsed to fucking whatever, but they got, something for everybody on the train. It ain't going to fucking kill you. It was great. Philadelphia train station. Oh,

my God. Yeah. It's hard to leave there, Jack. They got everything of that motherfucker. Oh, is that the one with all the food? Yeah. DC. They're great those bus stations. So if I was still doing what I was doing, if I was a smart dude, I would go, you know what I'm doing

a train tour? Yeah. Wherever the train takes me, it starts up by where you were last week. Providence? Providence. And it goes all the way down. That train goes right to Providence. It goes a little way into Boston, too.

Yeah. You could do that train and do a week on the road with that train. I think it goes to Florida. What? Because I'm taking that train all the way down. I think it goes all the way to Florida if you wanted to. That's a little far. You know, I'm not taking going down to Florida.

I'm going as high as like D.C., three, four hours, you know. Right. I haven't expressed sometimes. I did that for the first time last time I went to New York. That is great. It cuts like an hour off because I've sat in first class on the train

like you were just talking about but I've also, I sit mostly in coach. I get like the $19 tickets. And to be honest with you, not bad at all. You're not moving into the fucking thing. Always remember, you know, you got to dress accordingly. If I'm traveling for 19 hours, Joey, to get to your gig, you know, Lee,

take a little care of. me upgrade my thing get me a bidet in the fucking toilet whatever you know but if you're only on a train for three hours why are you buying a first class ticket right you're driving with the locally comfortable

you open up your fucking computer laptop you put your earphones on you put Netflix on you're good to go you don't need no fucking first class ticket you still got Wi-Fi yeah it's fucking I like the drill I take it a lot every time I never drive to New York anymore

no driving in New York, listen, I'm scared of going into the city anymore. You know, it's just, and not that I'm scared of the crime or anything. It's just such a fucking, I don't go in there enough to justify what I got to put up with. I was spoiled as a young man. I could just tiptoe over now those days, a little gun. It's a 40-minute fucking drive. So, but I want to talk to you about this weekend.

Okay. Well, last Thursday, last Wednesday, now that I don't know what I did. I fucking, you know, my daughter wanted, she likes to, the Japanese shit, the box, not the bento box, but they have a dish, habachi. Okay, that's good. It is really good there. And I'm like, all right, let's go for habachi. I wasn't, I wasn't hungry enough to get the whole habachi steak. So I said, you know what, I'm like, a soup and a salad, a nice, clear soup, and I'm going to get myself a little sushi, maybe a row, and two pieces of white tuna.

because they don't have albacore here. It's not like L.A. Tuna, you know. I go in there, I eat the two pieces of tuna. I had the soup. Fucking salad was great. Soup was even better. The clear soup with the mushrooms and shit. Oh, yeah, that's good, too, yeah.

Fucking great. And then I ate the sushi, but you know what? I was full. So I left like two pieces of sushi, boom. I come back, bye, pop, bye, we're talking. I get high, whatever. We go to bed, and at 3 o'clock, I get up in my sleep apnea mask on, I think I'm going to puke.

Oh, no. I just get up to the edge of the table, and I just want to see where I'm at. I bring the garbage can close to me. I take a water bottle out of it, and I take the mask off. And I'm like, oh, my God, am I going to get sick? And all of a sudden, I got up and dog, I have no reason to lie to you or the viewers. I let out a burp. It was like a double burp, like it was like, boom, and then it just went like it came out.

And I started gagging and my wife was sleeping and she actually woke up and said, what is that smell? And I go, something's wrong. My stomach. It was a burp. She's like, oh, my God. And I went to the bat and I was dry heaving and a little fart came up my ass, right? And it smelled so fucking bad because fart with jeans on and, you know, it cuts it.

It's like cocaine. You cut it with an anastosthal. Right. When that fart comes out of your ass with one level of defense, just a me undie, shot up. So now I'm trying to puke and that fart smell's coming in. It was a double whammy dog and from there on I did not

recover. My nose kept fucking gripping. I kept barfing. I didn't barf at all. I'm not going to lie to. I'm not going to say. Two little barbs I did but nothing like exorcist, nothing like that. The main problem was the burping

and the farting with a little couple like shits that got stuck. You know those shits that you sit there for 20 minutes you're pushing you're pushing you're pushing and all a sudden you look and it's just a little rat tail. It just lands and it sticks up on the right before it goes into the lake. It just sticks up maybe two inches. You're like I've been here for 10 minutes for two inches to come out. That must be a hard. So it had to be something that I got stuck like a bad piece of salmon or something. So do you think that's what woke you up?

It's like you smelled your like one of the first burps and you like no I woke up because my stomach was actually fucking just about to blow up. I thought I was going to pew. Yeah, but you actually, okay. I felt like your burbs made you sick. Oh my God. And then Thursday, I didn't feel it all day. And then Friday, I did not feel it. I couldn't do much on Friday.

Friday night had a little bit of a temperature. Stayed up after night. Saturday, I got up early. I went to the girls' game. They fucking won. They're in the championship next week. Nice. And after that, my day was fucking. and ruin Saturday, like for five hours in the middle. And then I ate something Saturday night.

And I started feeling better. Yesterday I was still drippy. And then today, you know, I'm tip-top, Magoo on a fucking Monday because you got to be. That's crazy. You think it was a sushi? I don't know. I don't want to blame on the, you know,

they're talking about this flu in the Northeast. But I don't think it was really that. I don't know. I just didn't feel good. I couldn't focus. I was supposed to meet friends all weekend and go eat. I had to cancel twice. That sucks.

Puking is the worst. But Sunday is fucking 60 degrees. It's a beautiful day to be alive. It was awesome. I shaved. I washed my monkey. I wasn't feeling tip-top of goo. So I just went for a walk and I got a little sun.

You got to get some vitamin D. I'm sitting out there. I'm not going to meet the girls to a few. 4 o'clock and I go I got an hour to kill so I called one of my nephews and he told me a weed store to go and I go it's time for me to go to a weed store just to check out what they got you know

so I went to Zenleaf and motherfucking Neptune oh cool tremendous great people huge big difference in the California the places I went to because this does a lot more volume these places got 12 people working.

Oh yeah, they're huge. They're huge, you know. I got a couple quarters. I got like an explodeable joint. And I got this. This is hysterical because here's what it says. It says RSO

Fulfur from the cannabis oil made with premium flyer. Oil applicator dab liquor tore. And this is the line that kills me because I know people would throw this away right off the bat. This is a high potency product and may increase your risk for psychosis. I'm in. You know, what are you warning me about this? This is a fucking Gentiles.

This is for people who fucking, you know, wear the tight suits with the brown shoes. The intoxicating effects of this product may be delayed for two or more hours. Whoa. Let me tell you some. I can't. I couldn't even wait to open this. I know. Like a fucking pen. Okay. And what do you do with it?

You take this off. You set how much you want. I'm going for the... Look at that. Oh, yeah. Weep. Holy shit. And you push this motherfucker through? Isn't it...

Oh, so you just had... Holy shit, you just had some oil? Yeah. I thought it was like a smoking pen. Isn't that what they give the... cancer patients? What they give? Who? Cancer patients?

Listen, if it's good enough for cancer patients, it's good enough for Uncle Joey. If this is the shit that killed Magumba, this is what I need. You know what I'm saying? Magumba, I think that's what they give. That's crazy. That's awesome, though. Is this the first time you've tried it?

Yeah. Obviously, you don't see me with this thing. I may believe I'm a pen. I'm going to try to get like darts so I can shoot it at people. Put like a syringe in this motherfucker and just blast it. I can't trust you on any drinks now. It's time to see the devil. I tried it yesterday.

Oh, that's what I asked you. I didn't just open it today. I tried it yesterday. How did it work? It was good. It gave me a kick, but I got a headache later on it in the middle of nights. But it was good enough. It was worth the headache. Jesus Christ. I've never tried with some oil. It was really cool. You know, man.

I got to start doing a lot more. In what way? I think this winter shut me down a little bit. I was getting depressed the other. I'm like, what the fuck is going? I'm like, you know what? The fucking winter here is brutal. And the rain sometimes, like, you know,

I like to go up north. I like to mingle up, maybe go to a Cuban restaurant. The last couple weeks, I haven't done any of that. You know, I've been very local. Yesterday I said, let me just take a right. It was fucking beautiful. You know, you got to fucking get out there. But there were really nice people.

Chris took care of me, you know. Security was great. You know, the customers were great. So I found myself a little fucking home to go to once a week. Just walk around, see what they got. The weed ain't bad. And as a matter of fact, I'll tell you why I went. For the last year, I've been smoking off the fucking dope chain.

Listen, when we were together, we were getting the best of the best. best every day. I was walking in there with jars and shit. Every day. You always went to the store. You know, and it kills me sometimes that I got to get up in the morning and get

high in the morning to get my day going. But then when I go back to the bomb in the afternoon, nothing happens. Jesus. You know, and sometimes I go back like at six or seven, and then I get the party started and something happens, you know, but nothing to take me over like to call you and go oh my god I'm having the best hot foot

Sunday I've ever had in my life nothing like that okay so I was talking to a friend of mine he goes Joey go backwards for a while he goes take that good stuff put it to the side and just smoke regular stuff lower it take a chance for two or three days let your body get assimilated with it again and just smoked out on occasions listen I'm alive every day for me is an occasion you know what I'm saying right might come from you smoke 35% weed on a fucking daily. You're not going to take a day off because today's my bad breath day.

I'm just a smoke weed that gives me a headache. Fuck you. It's true. I'm running out of shit this morning. Because I was going to say three days is not enough to reset your tolerance. And you're still smoking. If I can smoke this shit for a week or so, I mean, listen,

this weed is very good. It's a strong indica. Again, it's not what we were used to getting. But the problem is that all these weeds are fucking. They're all high breading them on me. I'm a fucking high end end indica guy.

You know, I don't want to, I know that you need this little bit of sativa to make it grow, but I like, I want to go to sleep and I don't like smoking purples either. What's on the purpose? I get a fucking. My eyes itch. What's that?

You're allergic to purple, you think? I don't know, man. But anyway, I got a lot of mental problems, and this is why I help these people out from time to time. And I'm also a customer. Let's take a quick break and welcome BetterHelp on to the show. All right, now that we took a break, this episode is brought to you by BetterHelp.

Listen, I can't say enough good things about BetterHelp. Life is about setting boundaries for yourself, and BetterHelp can make it easier. BetterHelp's online therapy is tremendous. In other words, Magnificke, that licensed therapists can help you work through life's problems, take better care of yourself and spend time your time the way you want it. Listen, ever since I worked at BetterHelp, you see me. I'm a different man. I do not care.

What comes first is Uncle Joey and everybody else stays online. It's all over, but they're shouting. BetterHelp is totally online and tailored to fit your schedule. Set your own appointment dates and times. You can meet with your therapist over the phone, video call, or even via text message. Whatever makes you feel comfortable, okay? You could find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Do me a favor.

Visit BetterHelp.com slash Diaz, D-I-A-Z to get 10% off your first month. And I'm going to tell you something. There's no stigma in this, guys. Sometimes life just moves too fast and you got to slow it down. This is the way to do it. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Diaz, and turn it around today. Again, thank you for supporting the check-in,

and I want to thank BetterHelp for having our back. Now, back to the show. We're back! And don't forget to visit BetterHelp if you got problems, all right? Yeah, I just joined up. What happened, brother? I just wanted to say I just joined up first session this week, so I'll tell you guys about it next time.

Good for you, man. I'm excited. Any issues I should know about it? No, no, one that you haven't done in a while. I did it in L.A. for a couple of years in person, and it was really hard, like, you know, to make time and, like, especially in L.A. traffic,

take it down there, and now you can do it from your phone. So I'm excited to see what that's like. I've heard good things about it. I enjoyed it. But after a couple weeks, you... Listen, ma'am, we're all very... I don't know.

I think I am from the pandemic. We're all very... You know, I didn't go back on stage right away after the pandemic. And I got to see, people little by little, but I could tell, like after it was rough on me. And it was really rough on me when I knew there was jiu-jitsu around here. And I started feeling weird, and I'm, that's why I'm so happy.

September 21st, I took that decision, and I walked up those stairs and went to the Gracie school. Because I remember leaving there after the first private with Sean, and I was free or something. And then that night, I had to go to the, that premiere. There was 2,000 people in that movie theater. I was hoping. I was doing. He was sitting next to each other. I'm like, I'm going to die because of a fucking premiere, you know. And then I lived and nothing happened. But I went once a week and I could tell

just from him and I, like, throwing, doing throws, you know, him teaching me moves. I was feeling better, you know, like I needed, I don't know what I needed. I didn't know, but I know that whatever I was. wasn't getting, wasn't working. It just nice to talk things through with someone. Yeah, sometimes, you know, I wouldn't mind doing three on and one off. Like, come in and let's talk one day a month.

And then it makes it easier the rest of the month. You're working on those things. That's what I thought after I got off. Right. You don't need it every week sometimes. Listen, man, this Zoom and tele-out shit, I think it went a little too far. In what way?

we're very dependent on it like us, you know, with 2,000 mile away from each other. You know, we're not going to drive into the city to rendezvous in the middle to do three episodes. Then you got to bang them out.

People get mad at you for not putting them up fresh and talking, you know. So you have to be involved with it. At our point, we can't. You have a day job. I got to respond. You know, a friend of mine

calling me a day for a podcast, which I'm really interested in doing. But the problem is, it's going to be for me to do it. I got to leave here at 10 in the morning. It's your whole day. And it's my whole day. And that's what people have no idea about it.

It's not driving around the corner to the church no more and stopping at the wheat store. I can leave my house at a quarter to two. Stop at the wheat store and be there five after two. And the guests would be walking in with me. This would be fucking, it just wouldn't work. I could probably do it for three weeks. And then I'd have to go something.

you know things change yeah things change a lot and people have no idea you know so but yeah i i was thinking about you this weekend because i almost burned i almost burned down my fucking hotel room because i've been trying to be better so i got a hotel that you can cook in and i had i got a steak from like a grocery store and i had one of the hotel room had one of those pocket doors because i've set off the smoke alarm in a hotel before And it's fucking a pain in the ass. And so this time I cooked it in the bathroom and the pocket door wouldn't open. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, you cooked it in the bathroom.

I didn't want to set off the smoke alarm. Can you believe what I live with? If I didn't do this podcast, these are the calls I get at 10 o'clock at night when I'm focusing. I'm nice and high. I cook the steak in the bathroom and you're like, I didn't want to set off the smoke alarm. I've done that. I was prison and I didn't cook a steak in the fucking bathroom. okay.

I didn't, I did it on the sink area. I didn't do it anywhere gross. Listen, anything in a hotel bathroom is fucking gross. What am I supposed to do? Set the alarm off. Take the battery out of the fucking alarm.

I don't think you can do that. Yes, you can. Did you ever cook in the hotel? All the time. Are you fucking nasty? I'm not cooking in the hotel. I don't even like food to my hotel room. Your room fucking stinks. You got to be in there for three more fucking days.

Now I got Chinese room with garbage. I got Chinese food leftovers in my fucking garbage. It smells like Ching Su's house. I'm going to get a fucking headache. Really? Okay. Yeah. You know how to save money on the road?

Yeah, eating your car. That's how you save money. But eating and you're cooking a fucking eight-course meal in your room. It wasn't an eight-course meal. I cooked one steak and they had a microwave, so I had some, like, frozen veggies. Oh, Jesus Christ. And when did you cook the steak in?

They had a hot plate with a pan. It wasn't, like, I got a hotel that had, like, a little kitchen. You should have just put the steak on the grill and, you know, the thing. You didn't have to use it. Oh, that's gross. Everyone else cooks on it. At least the pan was clean. I just didn't want to set it off.

I'm surprised. I'm so I thought you would have cooked something, like, tried to save money. What do you do? on the road? I went to subway. Is that why you hate Subway so much? But then they had the seafood salad back then.

So they had the seafood salad, which is really, you know, who knows what it is. Yeah. But it would fill me up. And then I just went meatless. I just went veggie and cheese for years. A foot long veggie and cheese used to be like fucking $2 with a cookie and a soda.

I haven't been in there, but like, even like any, anytime I go anywhere, it's like a $15 sandwich. I bet it's a $15 foot long now. I wouldn't be surprised. At least, I ain't goofing on you

because you cook the steak in your room, even though I know. I don't care. There's got to be, and this is what I say to you, man. It's a, you know, we had a conversation last week,

you and I told you that, comedy is fucking great. I adore it, man. And I always did. And, you know, we talk about bus rides and planes and hitchhiking. I did it all to get to my gate, you know. It was a different time then. Okay.

But right now, like, listen, nothing really changed. When I went to Seattle, my first feature weekend paid $450. And no. How many shows? Five. That's the same. Nothing has changed. Okay.

you know, that week paid because I lived at home. How is it? Yeah. But I told you I had to work three weeks. If you got a plane ticket, you got to stay there for three weeks. Because that's the only way you're going to make the money back. And in between. But, Joy, what do I do on Monday through Wednesday?

Figure it out. Figure it out. There's always the butt station. But like I've always told you, if you make it down to Florida, the universe is watching. you're going to do an open mic at a bar tell some guy you're staying at a hotel he'll tell you that's a disgusting place come on come to my basement my grandmother cook for you for two days there's an open mic and candle tomorrow night that's what happens but you're not going to know that before you go right you can't plan it you know and it's always i swear to god you're saying how i made a living sometimes was what i had left over on sunday and if i had money left over on sunday and if i had money left over on Sunday. It was because, you know, it was just something was

taken care of. You know, I didn't know, like, when you did triple runs, the hotel, nine other ten times, if you were there Sunday morning and you wanted to stay an extra day, they'd only charge you 20 bucks. Oh, that's nice. No one does that anymore. I go, what about Monday? Another 20. Fuck it. I'll just stay here until Wednesday.

What am I going to drive home eight hours and eight back? I got to be around the corner. I'm fucking Wednesday again. Fuck it. I just stay here for a fort day. And now you've got to adapt in some town you don't know nothing about. And you're going to have the best time in your life. You're going to go, get pancakes, you know, ba-p-pah, mingle that Monday night. Maybe they have a jazz night, you know, a couple guys playing the guitar, a ukulele, whatever.

And also, you're like, what are you doing in town? I'm a comic. I'm playing, oh, yeah, get up on stage. And you're like, holy shit, I'm doing Saturday on a Monday night at a fucking ball with three-toothless guy. Who cares? That's part of the fucking journey. Right. And that night, listen, for all the stakes,

I missed all those years and lobster tails, they made up. They made up. Because Joe Rogan bought me more stakes than my mother. And she was around for 16 years. Joe broke her record. So for every one of those stakes that you missed, you're going to get them later on.

And trust me, on the road, you could be a fat fuck because you could turn into a fat fuck. because if you eat the comedy food, you're done. If you eat that every chicken sandwich you eat, that's fucking disgusting. You eat three or not, you know, even if you try to eat healthy, I'll have the chicken sandwich.

Once you bite into that grilled chicken, it tastes like bat meat. You think it's fucking vampire season of some shit in that restaurant. What the fuck am I eating this poison for? And was, like, because for me, there's that, but it's also like,

the travel part of comedy is also, Like, not half, but it's a good chunk of what's exciting about going on the road. And like, I always, like, you know, I'm a fat guy. I want to go and see, like, find out what the best restaurant is. Not necessarily like the most expensive, but like go find like, you know, wings in Buffalo or like. Well, listen, let's say you go to fucking Kentucky, right? You're not going to call me and go, I can't find a fucking, what's the people, Chipotle. Right.

Why? I hope you don't find it. I hope you don't find it. You're in Kentucky. Go get some local flare. Right, yeah. Look at a piece of cornbread, whatever that, you know, whatever the flare is. But Joey, I don't like it.

So what? Just go to the hotel. Just go to the restaurant and talk to those people. And you'll see how nice the area is. And you go, Jesus, these people don't have much and for entertainment, you know. But they're happy. Yeah. You see how people are in different places and they're fucking happy.

And that alone, that does something to your soul. because you're thinking that you're happy. You're thinking you're happy. And then you see these people who have a truck and a farm and a chicken in the backyard. And they're fucking happier than you are. Yeah. I love doing,

that's literally my favorite place to do shows is where there isn't much else to do. I like going to New York. New York is awesome. I like going to major cities. But like I've done shows in barn. One of the best shows I did last year was in a barn. Like it's just like those places where there's not much else to do, the audiences are way better.

It's hysterical. Like if you go on the road, like, let's say you do a show in Nebraska. Uh-huh. For your intro, just tell somebody. Tell the MC go, tell them I was an extra on the episode of Friends. Right. When you get off stage, some fucking blonde dits will be there. Three quarters and drunk, she'll come up to you and go.

Were you really an extra in France? Yeah. You could just make up a scene. You can just make it out of the scene when Joey went to the coffee shop and he slipped on a banana peel. Oh my God, was that you? You look so handsome. Can I buy you a drink? Would you like to come over and talk to my friends?

Hi, he's an extra on friend. Okay? And they're like, ah, really? What was it like? What was Doty like? Whatever the fucking name is Doty? What's the name that fucking? Who's Doty?

I don't know. One of the girls. the long one. Phoebe? Feebee, whatever. Doty, Phoebe, I don't fucking know. Holy shit.

Yeah, no, I did Omaha. But yeah, you're talking like deep. Like, that would be fun. That was my... I was going to do that when I came back from L.A. Like, my thought was to get like an RV. What I could never... I would kill myself in an RV.

I can't see over an RV. But, like, that sounded fun to me. An art list, man. And I'll talk... I hope young comics are watching this. People talk about Mitch Hedberg a lot. One of the things that really, I always thought Mitch was very smart for doing.

And I wish I had the chance to do it one time. He got in a Volkswagen bus, and he drove across country, and he did a guess at every comedy club he could. Yeah. He wasn't even Mitch Hedberg then. He was starting to become Mitch. But he figured if he'd do that, that's how you do it.

You go, I'm going to go take the whole summer off, and I'm going coast to coast. I got a list of comedy clubs. I'll call them as I'm... Because if you call them three months ahead, they'll go call us in three months. Call them the night before you're in town. Who are you?

I just got all fucking... I just left the mothership, bitch. And I'm coming to... Well, why are you coming here? Because I feel bad for you, motherfucker. Because that's why I'm coming there. And they'll fucking... Oh, I come in and do a guest set.

Really, you have to... This guy's live from the mothership. Wow. Okay. I mean, that... My thought was... and this was like right when I was on my way home, but everything was closed.

But my thought was like I would like live in like a city for a few months and like really get into the scene. But you think just he just did it quickly like one or two nights in a city and then left. I mean, listen, Lee, any anything you put into comedy or anything that you're doing is going to pay off maybe not today, but three or four years from now. You're planting a seed. Now for the next four years you water that motherfucker. Whether you went and packed your, you're going to get an RV.

You go somewhere, you're going to sign up in an RV camp where you connect the RV. They have groceries there. They have showers. They have a pool, a gym facility. And yeah, you could rebate. I don't know where you would go. I'd rather you get more bang for your buck.

Oh, and that is the one thing that I learned like here in Boston. Because like my thought was to do like, because, like, because, those RV part, I looked into them. Those RV parks are expensive. Like sometimes, like, it's as expensive as getting, like, a cheap hotel sometimes. But, like, it takes... You commit to an RV. You commit to an RV.

Right. You do an 18 tour in an RV. You get the dog. You take everybody. Oh, but it would... But, like, I think the guest spots, which I could probably do now, are better because to get into, like, a, like, really get into a scene can take, I think takes up to a year. sometimes, like really know where the shows are.

You're just going through and doing a guest spot. Right. You're just pumping up what kind. You're putting too much thought into this. This is a hippie journey. This is a bag of weed, get in the car, put a fucking CD in. Where are we going tonight? You're not going to go to where you just came from.

Right. So you drive 10 hours and stop and spend the night. Who cares? You'll burn that's what's trying to you. You're not going to sit there with a pizza, paper angling and go, we're going to go through the 70 and then get to the year week of July, because

a thousand things could happen. Really? That's exactly what I would have done. You know, and that's what you're going to do. You're going to turn it into an anal run. I'm stopping at this hotel over here. No, just go. Just go.

Okay. Every state there's a comedy club, right? Some cities have two of them in there. you could get one set in every city. Arizona got 19 fucking comedy clubs. Do they not? Tempe's got like Scottsdale. They got like eight golf clubs now. Yeah.

What are you worrying about? You know, Tucson got one club. Is it worth going in there? Not really. You know, you don't hire national airliners, but you got Tempe, you got fucking Southern California. You got, you know, there's got to be a comedy club in Idaho. Right.

You know, there's got, I know there's comedy clubs in Tacoma. There's comedy clubs in Seattle. You know, they just fired all those guys. There's Harvey's in Oregon, which, you know, what are you going to do with Harvey's? But you got helium, you know. Yeah. Your league. And that's what you're looking at.

But you're not calling them and going, hi, I'm coming through July 13th, 2020. Go fuck you. I got fucking. and Tom Segura in here selling tickets and you want to do a guest set in three months. Get the fuck out of here. That's why. Leaving the element of suspense.

And if you don't get a guest set, then you don't get a guest set. But you're also going to be watching. This is what I'm saying to you. You're going to go, oh, shit, we're headed to Chicago, but look who's in Milwaukee. Right. Milwaukee, and I just got out the phone with him.

Let me do a guess that. So what were you thinking about Chicago for? Right. You understand. So many fucking parameters. And this would be a no anal move. No anal. This is when you remove your jewiness.

Remove it. Jesus Christ. It's hard. Well, Gatha, it's not hard. It's not hard. This is what you're going to have to learn to be a sensational comic, is that life comes at you. I know you were supposed to be on your job Monday,

but not this week. All of them up and how things change. We're not coming into Wednesday. they may be. Where are you? The phone's breaking up. Oh. I don't know. I'm worried like that. That's what comedy is. You're a

fucking force of nature. That's what these fucking people understand. And then they want to hold you down. Hey, are you available? September 28th. My daughter's getting married. Listen, give me a fucking breathing. I look like I'm in wedding mode to you. Send me a card. I'll put a yardstick in there and go on your way. You really can't? No, I'm not

going. I'm a comedian. You want to pay me the small nickel to do 10 minutes? I'll do it. But I'm not fucking dropping this and spending two days at your family's wedding to waste time to hear the same shit I've heard for the last 15 fucking years. Go fuck yourself. Yeah. And especially at my level, I get booked like the day before. What's that?

I usually get booked like a day or two in advance. Like it's starting to get a little bit more further out. When I lived in Seattle, I'm the first. I'd have one night. And I'd panic. I'd start to cry. I'm going to pay around. I'm going to snort Coke.

You know what? Get on that fucking phone and start faxing motherfuckers. And watch that month fill up. And even though you called them last week, call them again. Really? Okay. Call them again. Hey, man.

Lee, didn't you call here last week? Did I call you? I'm laughing, but it does. I haven't, I try to do it like once a month. That's what I like, that's like been my like. Emails work, right? Yeah. You were draft kings, right?

Yeah. How many emails they send you a day? I've done. Okay. Okay. After you get the eighth one, you look at it and go, let me see what's going on today. Ah, look at that.

I want a toaster. I won something from them about two weeks ago. I still haven't gotten in the mail. Oh, that's cool. Yeah, I want a blender from them. I won two speakers. I put them in my garage when I hit the bag and do little jumping jacks,

the smoke dope in there. I want a water bottle, and I want something else. A yoga mat. Fuck. And then I win things. What? How do you win things? I don't know.

I haven't won one thing. They ask you to fill out for a free gift. They have promotional stuff. So let's say you opt into a package. They'll say you get a special gift. That's what it is. Oh, cool. Okay.

Oh, there's a roulette wheel. And you spin it and only give you a 30% back of the day. 15% of your losings for the day or a free gift, a blender. And if you don't want that gift, they left your pick. And it's not bad little gifts, like earplugs, you know, earbuds and fucking, who don't know? Okay. Little fucking things. It's a crazy fucking world.

We were talking about a couple of weeks ago about how black people aren't getting insulted enough now. But now they're starting to insult themselves. They're starting to go at themselves. Look at this whole Diddy thing, biting people's ears and fingering back to people. They're going to put Diddy under the fucking jail, I think. Because all these people are worried about Diddy now. What about what happened to Mace? That's the question you got to ask yourself.

So all you people who love watching all this shit and ask Diddy what happened to Mace? What's Mace? Mace was there with P. Diddy with Puffy when he was alive. He was the guy with the little voice. a man with a man with a man with a lamb now he's a preacher that motherfucker went from rapping with Biggie and

Puffy whatever's fucking name is to being a preacher or something That guy's taking the cock The taste of mouth out of his cock When you switch religions It's to take the taste of cock out of your mouth When you become a preacher You put in the express envelope Jack

This taste of cock is rotten The taste of fucking corn Every time I eat steak, I taste cock, even if I cook it in my bathroom, you know what I'm saying? Holy shit. I never heard of him. He was with him and then suddenly he's a preacher.

And then he just disappeared when they became a preacher. Because they're saying he has like video cameras stuff up in his house? Oh, that dude's a freak and a half. Jennifer Lopez went for an HIV test yesterday. She's sweating. Fucker, you know. That motherfucker. These people,

guys, you know, man. you have these dreams as a young man or who you want to be as an old man or whatever when you get older and you're like, you know, I want to be a man of power or I want to be a CEO, whatever fuck dream you have, you know? Okay.

And then you attain it and then, I don't know, these guys get fucking crazy, man. They get crazy with the women and it's just unreal. And then these women want to write letters but you know they walk into a room where they got what you know with a miniskirt on it's a weird fucking world out there it's very weird in that case with the i haven't read into it i just you know whenever i see stupid shit i look at and i go what the fuck i don't even know

who he raped i don't know nothing about pub daddy what i do know is that they're coming for him for the last buck and eight months and then i'm gonna stop because now everybody's gonna raised their hand. There's some crazy shit going on there. If they look deep, you know what? When they smoke this fire, they might find some other shit out.

And like, do you do you ever that? Not him. It seems like he who knows? But like, do you believe, like if you were like a Sam Trippily and he'd say like, oh, this is they're going against, like, do you think there's people going after them or it's like

all this stuff is true? You don't leave with this smoke, there's fire. I don't want you to cancel me over one. Well, we had this thing a couple months ago, January, where people had to file their grievances against people, right? Sexual assault or something. I don't know. I don't know.

Stephen Tyler got accused. Everybody got there. Everybody got a lawsuit. And listen, man, we all make mistakes. We all talk to people wrong. sometimes maybe you got intoxicated and a girl's got a miniskirt you might say something in today's world you might take offense to it it's a different world out there you know listen when you're in a spotlight like ditty or any of those guys

when you date somebody you know everybody's watching right and it's just crazy that if one person accuses you then it's you'll get you not everybody's gonna like you you. None of everybody's going to like you, you know. And as long as you know that going in, but once you start getting a lot, then people are going to come at you. And once you start throwing their face, people are really going to throw it at you. And some people seek revenge by adding to a story, you know, and then nobody else jumps up. You take that person to court, you lose the settlement for the sake of and it goes away. When people raised their fucking hands.

You know, the Houston quarterback. That guy... Oh, Jesus, Chris. Wasn't that 200 or something? Yeah, like, you know... But again, at that point, I think there was 50 of those women. He just told them that their titties were nice, and they just wanted the cash out. You know, if you find out somebody's giving out cash,

you're going over there, aren't you? Right. If I say there's a broken ATM machine in fucking Southie, that's spitting out 50s. You're going to sit at home like a fucking faggot? No, you're going to run down there and figure out why is this thing spitting the fucking 50s out?

And how can I, if I get one 50 out of there, make my day. Right. So, you know, you got to be careful. I'm sure any day now when L.A. 1 is going to break. With the naproons or something, it's got to.

They said those parties, you have to sign like fucking. things to go into them and, you know, I don't want to go to any party where I got to sign something. Did you ever, they're like, like, all the Hollywood parties? Yeah. Did you see, do you see Craig? Did you see, do you see Craig?

You never went to one? I mean, I never saw you recently, but like, you never went when you were younger? Not my star. And I got invited to some wild shit. And I would think about it and then go to the comedy store, do a set, got a half a gram and go, get a gram of Coke and go, what I want to do over there for? I'm doing what I'm going to do over there over here by myself.

And I don't have to lie to nobody and make believe I'm anybody. So I never went. One of the craziest ones I haven't got invited to. I never spoke about this. Was a Bobby Brown-Wittany Houston one. Are you got invited to one? Yeah, at A&M Records, LaBreya. Remember where that was?

Okay. There. They were taping something. And then they were going to tape over the studio. And when the guy called me, I was very happy at 5 o'clock. But by 10 o'clock, I just had a weird feeling. And I go, you know what? I like snort and coke. But I don't want to be in a church where everybody's snort and coke.

Why? Because it's a fucking, it's like the walking dead. When you're in a room with 40 people and 38 of them are high on Coke, it's not a good feeling. It's fucking surreal. And if you close your eyes and just listen to the room, you'll go, I got to get the fuck out of it. These people crazy.

Holy shit. Okay. But let me do as much as that coke as I can before I leave. So I don't have to do any of mine. And when may you decide not to go? That night. That night. It's just what, listen, man, it's so funny how there's people who mix in that scene and there's people who don't.

And you got to know you don't mix in that. I don't do well in that scenario. Unless I can rob a purse. or a $10,000 watch, I don't do good in those fucking parties, okay? If I'm going to listen to that fucking ear beating all night, I got to get some of my head. And at that time, my head wasn't even there. I was a junkie. I wasn't a, hey, whatever you call that, a hobbyist.

You know, I was setting my ways when I got high. I like a naked woman. Everybody does. But those naked women, they talk too much, they complain too much. They want to smoke a cigarette. girlfriend text them, they got to hit them back. Now they're naked. They're like, can my girlfriend come over?

No, not really. I got to you two birds. I just want to shoot one more alone and go to sleep and finish this fucking Coke. So I got pretty accustomed at the end and just beat by myself. Right. I didn't want to put up through with all that stuff.

When I quit Coke, those seven years, eight years before that, I wasn't getting high with people. Wow. And what was the worst part about getting high with someone? But I just told you. But like the whole, the chit-chat was too much. Now, hold on.

My mother's on the phone. You're what? It's four in the morning. Why are you talking to your fucking mother? You know, it was just too much for me after a while. The stories, you know, the people crying. Well, people really have to kind. Like, I was somewhere a couple weeks ago.

And my wife came over to me and she goes, I can tell you don't want to be here. I go, you fucking crazy. Listen to what these fucking Jamokes are talking about. you know, and I put my two cents in the conversation, and then we left anyway, and I remember I was in the car by myself,

we drove separate. And me thinking, one of these people are going to understand that for 40 years, all I gave a fuck about was getting I and getting my dick suck. I never even listened to this chitter-chat of these fucking idiots talked about. I don't even know what they were talking about half the time. I didn't want to hear it.

So what would you do? How do you avoid that chit-chat? You put a cock in their mouth. I don't fucking know. You know, I don't know. You just say, fucking, I'm not doing this tonight with a bunch of people. And trust me, I had a lot of fun party with a lot of people. But as your addiction grows, your paranoia grows, your insecurities grow, everything grows.

You know, if you stop doing, if I stopped doing Coke 17 years ago, If I go back tomorrow, my addiction is going to be worse than what it was when I let it go. Because just because I know so, just because you stop doing a drug doesn't mean your addiction doesn't grow. And then there's transfers. There's always transfers, you know, the edibles, the Xanax, there's transfers. Right. And you got to catch yourself. That's why I was interesting.

You spoke about gambling tonight. Because I love drafting because I understood how easy it. is to fall. That's why when I recommended it, I told people all the time, I just bet $25 bucks. That's a big bet. And when you go on draft king, you see that if you bet $10, you still

win $67. Right? You ever put like a team in? Yeah. It says $10 gets your $67. If you put a parlay in for $10, you're still going to win $60 or something. It's not that bad. Right. And it's

not. It's just entertainment. Right. Don't come to me when you're a 40-year-old grown man and go, Joey, you fuck me up. I lost 22,000 on draft kings. How? How? Because they monetize you. They don't let you use a credit card.

No. They don't let you use PayPal unless it's yours. They don't give you access to a lot of shit. I like the limits that you can put on yourself. And it's like, you know, you and I both struggle with weight. It's the same thing. McDonald's is out there, but you don't have to eat it every meal. Like, and it's, at a certain point, you have to take responsibility.

And, and, but it's, you know, there's people who struggle with different things. So I get that. I know a guy that gambles on everything every day. Yeah. I've known this guy three quarters of my life. I went up to his house, maybe in September, up in North Bergen. And we were talking, and I asked him, what are you like tonight? This football game, and he goes, I, I, you know,

gave up Cameron. He goes, I won't bet now until January 8th. He goes just in time for the Super Bowl. And I go, you do this? And he goes, every year, I split the year. Oh. He'd gamble January

to June or July to December. And that's a rule he's a fucking lawyer. Yeah, you have to put limits on yourself. He's a lawyer. And he you know, his partner you know, they know.

they know, you know. So after a while, you just, when people tell me they get, listen, I got in trouble for kidnapping, breaking into houses, you know, shit like that. When I was a kid, I got in trouble for gambling, but it wasn't $20,000. Oh, I'd be talking to you with a big hat on right now. You know, it wasn't, uh, I lost 800, 700, and you moved the fuck on. I also won 800 and 900 a couple times. but I knew I was going to make a living doing that.

The same way at a certain age, I realize cocaine's great. You can make a lot of money. I'm not going to be one of those people. And I'm never going to be one of those people. So why am I fucking doing it? I know that if I bet a dollar on a roulette game, dollar slots, I could win a thousand bucks. My friend won 33,000 on it.

dollar slots on draft games. Really? See, I can't, I don't have any casino things up here. But I like, that's why I like sports betting, because you can put 10 bucks on a baseball game and that's three hours. Listen, I don't even watch a whole game. When I go to jimmies, I watch halftime, I do a bunch of shit, and then I watch the second game or maybe the third game.

But I'm not watching football all fucking day. So, you know, so many weird things. that are so weird this week. I got two sets I'm going to do this week. Nice. I already got them planned out. I'm excited about them. And then, yeah, my decision has to be made pretty soon, our agreement.

You're getting close to 10. Yeah, and I'm leaning. I think after this week, I'll have 10. That's awesome. But I'll be leaning. I already have a little plan. Since January, I've been writing consistently. Every day?

Not the funniest stuff in the world. Okay. Consistent, big difference. And if you read any of those writing books, that's the most important. There's a lot of people only write when it's funny stuff. I like writing every day. And if you look at it, you're not going to get funny stuff. But you can see little things developing.

Do you go back and reread it? Yeah, absolutely. And I go, oh, my God, that's a horrible piece. Thank God I understand what that's saying because it's opening up as a bomb already. but I'm also journaling a lot more. Interesting. You're getting back into it. Twice a day more, you know, like I do one at night now in the daytime,

back to fucking basics, you know. Lee, I don't know. I'm having a great time, bro. That's awesome. I'm really am. I got one dilemma going on lately, but we'll take care of it. It's nothing comedy. It's nothing personal.

It's, you know, people being stupid. So it's time for me. You know, Lee, I never caught it if you read the book. or you heard any of my stories, I got arrested a couple times in Jersey. Right. I never got processing. You know, there's a couple times they could have arrested me or whatever,

and I dropped a name of somebody or somehow or another. They knew I was connected with somebody. Not somebody in the mob world or nothing. I'm not saying that. Maybe it was a cop. That was a friend of mine that I dropped his name. And it's so weird that I've always had help here. Since I've been back the last four years because I was gone for so long,

most of those people have passed. A lot of those people aren't doing what they're doing anymore. You know, so when I got here, I had plans maybe with a marijuana. I had a couple plans, but I could see that that help I had as a young man, I didn't have it anymore. Okay. And then recently some help came back. Okay.

A dear friend of mine called me about two weeks ago. He goes, I'm going to work for this guy in the state, and this guy wants to talk to you. So let me get in there, and I'll hook up a meeting, and there's another guy on myself. So now I'm getting a little bit more through Jiu-Jitsu. I've met a couple guys that I didn't know how influential they were until somebody came up and we go, that dude could get that done for you. Well, okay. You know. And I'm finally back in that thing.

You know, somebody, I went to get a head card a couple weeks ago. Some girl goes, if you call this restaurant and tell them you're coming because it's you, they'll carve a knife out for you. And I'm like, she goes, but I know you would never do that. And I would never do that. I would never call a restaurant and go, hey, this is Joey Diaz. I'm coming in with eight people. I want a table. I would never do that.

No. That's beyond my realm. You know, I would never, ever. But sometimes when things get a little fucking fishy, you got to call that out. For the first time, since I've been here, it's getting a little fishy. We run into a little dilemma here. Not me, not my daughter, not my wife, just a little situation. That's not fair. And it comes from me saying something.

You know, it's always weird when I say something. because everybody else was thinking it. But once I say it, I was wrong for saying it. You know? I've always been like, for years, I sat next to Joe when people would run up to him and go, do I tell you who Carlos Mensteer sold a joke from now? This was every week.

I could be talking to Joe and some different comic would come up. Bro, tell him the time Carlos stole your jokes. Some kid would come up with a tear in his eye. He's an open mic. Yeah, Carlos came into the contest and he stole my joke. This went on for fucking weeks.

at a time. I don't know what my point is here. And all those people that came up to Joe and told them that, those are the same people that when Joe got canned, they didn't go up to the support them. I never forgot. I never forgot that.

I learned a valuable lesson from that. And now I'm seeing it with me the last couple of years. It's always been my fucking weakness. When I say something, then, you know, he shouldn't have said that. You know, because I'm not, diplomatic. I bottle it up. I keep it bottled up and one day just comes out of me. But now they're playing with somebody who's very close to me, somebody who's very close to my heart. And then they're

going after anybody who's associated with her. So now I got to play my A game now. And I never want to do this. But now I got to make those calls. And I'm not going to settle the problem, but I'm going to rattle that fucking cage. You know, because everybody forgets. Like, I even forgot who the fuck I was for a while. Like, I forget that I'm a lunatic. I'm down here, you know, I'm down here playing dad. You know what I'm saying?

So I'm walking the line. I'm playing dad now. So you might think I'm playing dad. But that fucking 25-year-old that threw a guy in a trunk a couple times is now 60 and his, you know, these motherfuckers just, I even forgot. Like, I forgot. Like, there's times

they get on stage and I'll do something and I'll go, fuck, I forgot. I still got it. Holy shit, you know, like it. Yeah. These motherfuckers forget that what got me to the dance, I still have. There's no dementia. There's no nothing. I'm just a dad down here living in the basement. So I forget who the fuck Uncle Joe is.

You follow them the same thing? but now I got to show him who the fucking Uncle Joe is. Because once you mess with my daughter, we got a fucking problem, especially when you're not mad enough to be a fucking man as a coach or whatever the fuck your problem is. And that's what I'm encountering since I've been back to Jersey that they talk about these ex-millennials and Generation X. Well, I don't know who these people are.

But I know men under fucking 40 are just fucking worthless. They have no, they're missing that testosterone. Rome to even be full men. Like they can't even look you in the eye. They got to go through you to your daughter or something like that. Well, I got to bring the game back to Uncle Joey Hudson County style. So it's just fucking crazy that I forget. I forget that I'm a fucking wild man because I don't want to be.

I don't want to be. I just want to be a dad to that little girl and go to sporting events and shit. But if you're going to wake up the African in me, If you're going to wake up my slave blood, you got my attention. You got my fucking attention. Well, I'm sorry that they did that. No, I'm happy they did. I've been playing Mama Luke for the last fucking three years.

I've been playing half a fag Joey. Oh, yeah, that's okay. You know, you know, because, I mean, listen, you can't fight every fucking battle. So you just go, who gives the fuck? but every once in a while a battle pops up and you're like, fuck, I got to take this challenge because my daughter's involved here. And if you guys were even fucking men,

you come tell me what the fuck, but you don't have the boss to do that. So now I got to flip the fucking field on you. You know, so I'm happy that I started doing this podcast because I forgot who the fuck I was. And I forgot that I could sling dick still like a motherfucker. And, you know, for a while there, I kept telling people, man, I'm so scared.

I haven't been on stage. You want me to tell you something? Fuck these bitches. I'm still that motherfucker that was going on stage. I just didn't. You know, listen, man, I put such high value on people's words. You know, I went to see this comic

and they were sensational. Then I put the fucking special on this. The same jokes they've been doing for three fucking years. You know, so I'm scared that people are going to judge me. And I'm like, you know what? At the end of the day, even a 50% Joey is better

and a half these motherfuckers that are doing it full time. I'm telling you. I've noticed this. And this ain't ego talking to you. This is facts. I can go up there. I can kill any 20 minutes now. Not kill, but I'll go up there and do great for 20 minutes. You're going to go, that motherfucker hasn't been on stage in a year. Last time I got on stage in January of fucking May of 2023. And I started getting back on stage of fucking January.

So I've been going up there later going. I lost a little something, but I didn't lose as much as I thought I fucking lost. And you know what? For this reason alone, I'm going to do something. Even if it's 20-minute sets, I'm going to do some.

And then I'm going to get the 20-minute set down. And then I'm going to go after the 30-minute set. And then we'll see where we're at. But I can't leave this planet like this. I can know what I am lately. You know, it's just a nightmare. I never wanted to push you. And like when you were retired,

Like I thought maybe you could be retired. Maybe you just didn't really want to do it anymore. Sabages don't retire. They die or they get put in a fucking cage and get they throw rocks at them. Let me see one picture of a savage that they retired. They either kill you or, you know, Genghis Khan. I don't fucking know. These people are savages.

Columbus. I don't fucking know. I don't know what Columbus comes into this one. He's a savage. He killed a bunch of Indians in Cuba. but, you know. Okay. I don't know what the Indians did to them.

Maybe they tried to hit them with fire. Columbus got mad. We don't know the whole story. That's why these people want to torture Columbus. They don't know the whole fucking story. You weren't there. I've never had that. I've never heard that point.

Oh. But when you were saying, when you first started again, that you didn't know if you still had it, that's why I was like, oh, I was so embarrassed. I would go to open mics and go, oh, these comics are going to laugh. at me. I'm bombing and shit.

No. And then it didn't matter. It went back to what a great friend of mine told me once. Marlon Brando didn't need to know his lines and the godfather. He didn't need to know. You know why? Because he knew the character. Whoa. Okay.

He knew the character. When I go on stage, it's not a fake character. It's me. No. I just got to let the real me come out. And right there alone, you know. Because you never, I mean, you had some bits that you would do in multiple shows, but if you had a

four or five show weekend, you didn't do five of the same hour. No. I like variety, bro. I like variety. I don't want to hear the same shit from people. Could you imagine every day you said, my pants are falling and you go, crack kills? Right.

Crack hill, crack kill. After a while, you're like, all right, if it was going to kill me, would have killed me a long time ago. It didn't kill nobody. Where are you at this weekend, Tarzan? I'm in Minnesota for the first time. I'm at Pot Shots St. Paul on Friday. Saturday, I'm doing a guest head

on one of Shane Torres' shows at Acme. And then Sunday, I'm doing a private show. And you know, Dean Delray's going to be at Acme. Not this week. It's good. It's like, I think the next week. Okay. I was hoping it was going to be this week.

But I'm like, Shane Torres is very cool. You're staying away for fucking Dean. I have a show. I have shows in Hartford next week. Okay. See, I'm just saying. Oh, yeah. No, I would love to. I would love to be on the road all the time. Where are you at Hartford? Hartford, I'm just, there's a, the same, the son of the guy who owns a comedy club in Connecticut, he runs like shows.

I'm doing city steam brewery Friday and Saturday. Look at you and shit. Yeah, it's going to be fun. Well, I'm proud of you, my friend. Thanks, buddy. That means a lot when you, when you, I love, I love calling you after shows. It's just fun to get to tell you what happened. Then either you went through it or you have advice for what I went through.

and it's just it's I love it's like my favorite part of doing shows I love calling you on the way back It's great it's like I was there I already know what you did in the shit I didn't know you ate the chicken fingers At a 50 cent concert But I know that

I had that from me for a little bit I have a good week Cucksucker Love you buddy Stay black The chicken is brought to you by Freeze Pipe Listen

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