The Comedy Cellar: Live from the Table - A Deadline in the Sand

Episode Date: September 11, 2021

Linette Palladino is a Major in the United States Army and stand-up comic, who deployed three times in support of Operations Iraqi Freedom, Enduring Freedom and Inherent Resolve. As a stand-up comic, she recently competed as one of five nation-wide finalists in HBO Latino's stand-up competition. She has performed as far and wide as Iraq and Hong Kong. Jon Fisch is a Comedy Cellar regular. His newest album is called HINGED. 

This is Live from the Table, the official podcast of New York's world-famous comedy cellar, coming at you on SiriusXM 99 Raw Dog. And on the Laugh Button Podcast Network, this is Dan Natterman here with Noam Dorman, the owner of the world-famous comedy cellar, Periel Ashenbrand, our producer. We also have two guests today with us. John Fish, a regular here at the Comedy Cellar. He has a new album that he just recorded called Hinged,

as opposed to Unhinged. He's hinged. He's got it all together. He's got his shit together. I wouldn't go that far. In any case, we also have with us, making her debut on the Comedy Cellar podcast, Lynette Palladino. She's a comic, but not only that, she is a major in the U.S. Army

with three deployments to her credit in support of operations Iraqi Freedom, Enduring Freedom, and Inherent Resolve. Which one was that one? The most recent fight against ISIS. Gotcha. Okay. And she recently competed as one of five nationwide finalists in HBO's Latino stand-up,

which John Fish was rejected from, not being a Latino. Hello, everybody. Thank you for coming. I guess we'll start off talking about Afghanistan, first of all. Today is the day, our first day, I guess, that we're not there. No, yesterday was. Well, we pulled out yesterday, so today's our first. No, we pulled out August 30th. Be that as it may, we're no longer there.

We pulled out August 30th, but maybe it was... Is Afghanistan ahead of us? Or, you know, like, was it August 31st? I thought the deadline was... Whatever it is. We pulled out, but there was still some residual. The times that... No, maybe it was August 31st, Afghanistan time.

So, what was reported is that the risks far outweighed the pros of staying even one day longer. There were increasing reports of another attack. We had gotten as many people out as we were going to get out. Nobody who was inside the airport was left behind. And so they took off. Lynette, what exactly did you do over there in Afghanistan? I went to Iraq twice in Kosovo. You just said she was in Iraq.

Oh, she wasn't in Afghanistan. I did three deployments, twice to Iraq, once in Kosovo. Gotcha. And what did you do in Iraq? She can't tell you that. No, of course I can tell you. It's on my LinkedIn. It's not a big deal. I was an intel officer

the second time. So I was an intel officer of a sustainment battalion. And then the first time it was a very bizarre situation in that as a second lieutenant I was deployed to force level. So in the

grand scheme of the military, you know, you start out in small platoons, companies, battalions, and then you work your way up from there. Force level is just a step underneath CENTCOM. Like I was by far the youngest person or officer for miles. Like there were more colonels than there were any other rank, to be honest with you. It was crazy. So during that deployment, I started out in the Strategic Ops Center, and then I eventually ended up as the aide-de-camp to then two-star general

Stephen Hummer. He ultimately retired as a three-star general. But he was the director of all operations in Iraq. But you study hand-to-hand combat in the military, right? We do. So you could hand-to-hand combat in the military, right? We do. So you could take Dan and me at the same time, probably.

You could totally kick the shit out of us. Oh, I... You know, I've been working out. That doesn't matter. She knows how to use it. She knows she's got... Although I do have some shoulder issues, so I'm not doing any upper body work right now. What do you call it?

Tennis shoulder? I don't know. The shoulders are complex joints, so it's easy enough to injure. And both of my shoulders, they feel like they're not good shit. Is that what it's called? Tennis shoulder? No. Tennis elbow.

Frozen shoulder. I had frozen shoulder. That's something else. This is just my shoulders kind of sore. And when I like soap up in the shower, it's hard for me to lift my arm to get my, the opposite pectoral muscle.

I like that you only said two people. I think she could take the whole room. You were just like, damn. So how do you feel about Charles Wojcik,

who's a friend of, friend of the shows and a friend of mine who was also, who was in Afghanistan, is also a comic and a veteran, posted something on Facebook where he said, any veterans need to talk, I'm here. This was after the announcement of the pullout.

So apparently he, I mean, apparently I guess veterans are feeling like they're hard hit by this. I guess they feel as though that they were sent there to do a job and they weren't allowed to do it. I don't know if you feel that way. That's been a really common refrain. And I don't think it's necessarily that we were sent there to do a job that we didn't get to do. I think the frustration is that, you know, we shed American blood. We wasted trillions of dollars, countless hours deployed to a country that fell so quickly and easily. And then you had all of these obstacles in place to return or to not only repatriate American civilians who may be dual citizens, Afghan and American, but also the people who helped us.

You know, there were countless roadblocks to getting them their special visas so we could get them out of Afghanistan. And that's not even necessarily to say to get them into the country. Like we had areas where we could have taken them. We could have sent them to, you know, Kyrgyzstan. We could have sent them to the UAE, to Doha, Qatar, any number of military bases we had throughout the Middle East so that we could finish the vetting process which was a huge complaint that we couldn't just take all of these people and give them their special visas we needed to vet them just in case do no do you think we accomplished anything over there after 20 years i mean i i mean biden had said that we were there to uh keep afghanistan from being used as a base for al-Qaeda. Did we do that? Yeah, I mean, I think that it's interesting. So when you read people, the people who want to justify pulling out,

they focus correctly on all the things we absolutely failed at, all the things which were still as bad or as worse than when we got there, all the fact that the Taliban is resurgent, that people, many people hate America and all that stuff. But then the people who don't feel that way point also with a lot of truth on their side. progress that was made in Kabul, which apparently was a total agrarian marketplace and now is a real metropolis with a population of 25 and under who has grown up, not in American style freedom, but drastically different than what they're facing now. And you see these videos have come up on YouTube already of these women risking their lives, saying, please, you don't know what you've done to us.

My life is over. I had a life. I could go out. I could walk on the street. And now I'm afraid for my life, you know. And you have to read something into someone who's desperate enough to throw their baby over a razor blade fence to a stranger, a woman who's ready to risk her life and go on a YouTube video. These are all people who know that what they're doing, people hanging from airplanes.

So, you know, that kind of desperation speaks loudly to me. I'm kind of off the subject. So I think, yeah, I think we accomplished a lot. And there's some things we failed at. But I don't see... So I could go either, I think we accomplished a lot. And there's some things we failed at. But I don't see. So I could go either way on pulling out, depending on the day and if I had more information. But what I can't go either way on is the moral failure of leaving thousands of people who really, for all intents and consequences, should be considered as American naturalized citizens.

The technicality of the passport should not apply to someone who's risked their lives for years to help American soldiers. That's just, I mean, we had people like Perry L and me, but, you know, just like crying hysterical tears because some children were separated at the border, at the Mexican border from their parents. Right. And here you have people just left to be slaughtered. How could we do that? You know, with the United States of America, we couldn't bring in 10,000 more troops. Get everybody out safely. Taliban wants us out. They go to hell.

We're not leaving until we get everything out that we want to, including these people and this material. And we're not giving up the air base and we're going to extend the perimeter. And yes, when we're finished all this, we are going to leave, which is what they wanted so you imagine they would huff and puff but they would let it go if they knew that we were actually doing what we said we were doing because they don't want to give us an excuse to stay so if they started attacking us and start shedding american blood you would think they would realize that would be counterproductive you can never be sure but i'm just i'm kind of ashamed you know they do those polls like are you proud to be an American?

This is the first time I think about, no, I'm like this week. I'm not proud to be an American. I don't I don't understand why we did that. I don't understand it. I don't I don't know that any administration has been left with a lot of choices as it comes to Afghanistan. Afghanistan historically has never been ruled by a central government. I think that the lifestyle that you alluded to in Kabul is only enjoyed in Kabul. It's very much a nation of there's two countries. There's two Afghanistans. If you live in rural Afghanistan, what's happening in the capital doesn't affect you in the least. I think that's where we failed outside of Kabul. And there's some other cities, I think, which have similar huge cities that have that have some similar freedoms to Kabul.

But but, yeah, in the countryside, apparently it's it's not like that. But I don't mean to interrupt you. Go ahead. No, no, I you're you're I think your frustration and especially when we're witnessing the desperation of the civilians we left behind, be them American or Afghan, is that that's what Dan was referencing in Charles's post on Facebook. I think we all feel that frustration. I think it's a huge lesson for us to not get involved in other countries' affairs or nation building or things like that but then then you have the opposite argument of well if we are the world police then how do we stand by and watch atrocities happen like like in syria well there's there's a threshold question and it's not sufficiently

dealt with which is that we promised people we wouldn't do this to them that has to mean something i'm using analogy the other day that if I see you about to jump out of the window, I don't have to do anything. I can just sit there and watch. It's not nice, but I can just sit you... But if I say to you, jump, I'll catch you. And then you jump and then I leave.

Well, that's quite different. If you're relying on my word and that's why you jumped, then yeah, I can't try to catch you. I don't disagree with you. And we told these people to jump. I would offer the argument, would Afghans be any better or worse off had the U.S. not sustained a war there for 20 years? That's another. I don't know.

I don't know that that question matters so much, though, because we were there. It does matter. We were there for 20 years. No, it matters because during the Obama administration, that war became known as the drone war. It doesn't matter in terms of the decision to cut and run without getting these people out. Whatever mistake, maybe we should have never made the promise, should have gone there. We could debate all those things. But the fact is that we had a moral responsibility to these people.

And I even understand that sometimes you will just fail at a moral responsibility. If we started losing thousands and thousands of American troops. But the idea that we couldn't have done it, that we couldn't have just brought in whatever it took to do it and done it right and held our head up high and let it go down in history as an example of America doing the right thing. Agreed. As opposed to, I mean, how are you going to,

wait till the news reports start coming in of, you know, mass executions in a stadium in Taliban. Oh, they're coming. I don't know about that. How can we live with ourselves? I have no doubts that that's eventually what will happen in Afghanistan, for sure. For all of their rhetoric today, the Taliban will 100% exact revenge on anybody who cooperated with coalition forces or Westerners or whatever the case may be. But I still think it's not entirely our fault.

I think there were many countries with us. This was the first time that NATO responded universally to a situation, like as a group, as a collective. It wasn't just NATO. We also had Australia in there. Australia is not a NATO member. I mean, there were so many Western countries involved in what's happening in Afghanistan that I don't think it's fair to entirely blame the U.S. I think what happened with leaving behind anybody who cooperated with us is a tragedy for sure.

There's no doubt about that. But I think when you hear President Biden say things like we gave them trillions of dollars of resources, we trained and equipped them for decades. Billions of dollars, yeah. We spent two trillion on the Afghan war.

Salaries and things and weapons that we would have bought anyway. But we paid the Afghan army salary. Didn't we also take away all of the things that they were trained with? We took all of the weapons. We took some contractors away. We took logistical support in the form of contractors.

But I want to make a point about the other countries. The other countries were there in support of America. This was our deal. We were attacked in 9-11. Totally. And we... They're NATO members. They would expect us to respond in the same way.

It was the first time that NATO had ever been used, I think, to... Mm-hmm. And there was a... maybe more than a token force, especially from England, but for the most part, this was the rest of the world,

you know, being being an ally. They wouldn't have gone into Afghanistan if America hadn't wanted to go go go into Afghanistan. And I don't think we have to really I don't think it's fair to consider the other countries. We're so much more powerful than they are, let alone how much more powerful we are than this ragtag bunch of Taliban. How can we get chased out in such a way? If I want to leave, I get it. I can say, OK, we should leave. How can we get chased out with our tail between our legs?

This is crazy. And it sends a very dangerous message to the rest of the world, doesn't it? I don't disagree in that the message that's being sent right now to our other adversaries like Russia and China is one that we are not committed to a long protracted war, and we won't get involved when Russia threatens friendlies. We won't get involved when China threatened friendlies. And you've seen that not just since what happened. I thought friendlies. We won't get involved when China threatened friendlies. And you've seen that, not just since what happened. I thought friendlies was out of business. But you've seen that since in 2011, when we were fighting in, when everything was going down in Syria, you saw Obama draw all of these red lines in the sand, and then the line kept moving and

moving and moving. So it's no coincidence that a few years later russia goes and invades the crimea i mean we were spread so far throughout the world what how are we going to defend the ukraine and the crimea and we have been we've been there but we can't go to war with russia oh right but we can go to war with the taliban but there's something else too they say there's this over the horizon terrorist capability blah blah blah but again this is where people pick and choose because what what but that over the horizon terrorist capability by the way is more focused on fighting and making sure al-qaeda making sure they don't develop another safe haven in afghanistan so that's what i'm going to refer to. So one of the things that's come out from all this that people are rightly outraged about is just how bullshit the military wisdom has been all these years. How we were always just about to succeed in hearts and minds, all this stuff, you know, these constant optimistic rosy scenarios.

So fine, the military really doesn't know and our intelligence really doesn't know. I take umbrage with that point because I think a lot of people are trying to draw comparisons to the Afghan papers like these are the same Vietnam papers. Let me make the point. So and our intelligence capabilities told us that Kabul would hold and the Afghan army would hold. And, of course, I don't think any of the predictions would go like this. Anyway, my point is this. After all that, we're still supposed to believe that they know what they're talking about when they tell us we can prevent it from becoming a safe haven with this over-the-horizon capability to thwart

terrorists, even though Qatar or whatever is a thousand miles away. I don't believe it at all. I think the world is ever more dangerous. The dangerous technologies were mostly invented in the 20s and 30s and 40s, and we're coming up on 100 years. I don't know how much longer you can keep them out of the hands of peasants. And I think we need to be there in order to prevent something calamitous, which is probably inevitable anyway, but something calamitous happening in the world. And the only country that can do that, unfortunately, is the United States of America.

We just cannot just turn and go home. So go ahead. But Noam, who has the stomach for that? I mean, I've been making this point as an Intel analyst for a decade. The only way you are going to change Afghanistan is if you do a full and total occupation. The way we never left Germany, the way we still haven't left Korea,

that is the only way you change Afghanistan. You need to go through a cycle of three generations. The first generation says, fuck you. The second generation's like, these guys aren't so bad. And the third generation's like, I don't know what you boomers are upset about, but I fucking love life now. I definitely don't want to go back to Taliban rule.

It all depends. It's like global warming. It all depends on how- You say why not, but I guarantee you the other three people in this room haven't thought about Afghanistan since the last month. Nobody was clamoring. I don't even know if Afghanistan came up

in the debate with Trump and Biden, but it just depends on how... It did. It did because it came up in the way that the Trump administration negotiated the peace deal with the Taliban, which was horrific. But it didn't come up that Biden was like, we need to get everybody home.

Anyway, I think I always have to temper what I'm about to say, because I am still currently serving and President Biden is my commander in chief. But I don't think it's a coincidence that we we have pulled out now because the situation was never going to get better. The writing was on the wall. You know, Admiral Mike Mullen, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, said that years ago it was always going to be like this. I don't think anybody predicted. It depends how good.

No. To finish, the point is, I think Biden pulled out now because in 16 months we have midterm elections. Give it another four weeks. Get everybody out. But anyway, it depends on how seriously you take the threat like global warming. People who really believe that global warming is going to be the end of us are ready to spend trillions of dollars and get rid of air conditioning and put us through all kinds of inconvenience because the threat is so real to them. In the 60s, we were ready to go to war to prevent missiles in Cuba,

which was probably less threatening than missiles, nuclear weapons in Iran. Yet we're already kind of going to acquiesce, it seems, to... We're not going to go to war to prevent nuclear weapons in Iran. So, question is, how serious is the threat of a terrorist safe haven in Afghanistan with nobody on the ground to see whether chemical weapons are there, radioactive materials, whatever it is? So, if you're like me, and you believe that this all is going to end in a calamity, number one, number two, that this all makes it more likely for Iran to get an atom bomb, that these vacuums will be filled by people who want to do horrible things. Then if you believe that threat and you say, yeah, well, it's worth it. We'll just we're just going to we'll spend the billions of dollars

every year and we're going to stay there and wait this out. And maybe when the youngest person in Afghanistan that grew up in freedom is 60, maybe the genie won't go back in the bottle so easily. I love that. I'm all for that. And an American president who could get on TV and explain it all of a sudden would move the polls because people don't have a firm idea about Afghanistan. I do not think human regulation has the stomach for that. I mean, there's so many things that a majority of the country believes in that I would stand against. And this would just be another one.

What if a majority of the country told Perrielle that they wanted to make abortion illegal? And I said, well, that's, hey, the country wants it. You say, no, I don't agree with it. I don't agree with it. I don't understand what that means that nobody has the country wants it. You say, no, I don't agree with it. I don't agree with it. I don't understand what that means that nobody has the stomach for it. I mean, we've been there for 20 years. So suddenly it's just like, all right, we're going to bail now. Because the total occupation isn't...

We were in Afghanistan in the last year with 2,500 soldiers on the ground. That's not what it takes to keep that country. You need hundreds of thousands of soldiers in there. Are you going to go? No. I'll send her. Are you going to send her? I mean, I don't think.

I was in Iraq. I don't think that's a reasonable question. No, I'm not going to go. Do you want your son to go? I don't know. I mean, my husband served in the army. So, like, I don't know. In the U.S. Army? No, in'm not going to go. But do you want your son to go? I don't know. I mean, my husband served in the army. So, like, I don't know. In the U.S. Army?

No, in the Israeli Army. By choice? I mean, to my knowledge, isn't service in the Israeli Army required? No, actually, you can get out of it if you want to. So, yes, by choice. And, you know, I don't think that that's a fair question. Can we move things on a little bit? Because we could theoretically be talking about this all evening.

And we have to get to John's special hinge. She wants to answer. I do want to say that, like, let's keep in mind that, you know, the current military... The biggest statistic veterans like to throw around is that we are less than one percent of the population right so there's 330 million people in america and you're telling me less than three million people since korea have served i mean that's asking the people currently serving to go again and again and again like we have so this would be my answer to you and i and i promise you if there was forced conscription if there was a draft we would be out of afghanistan so fast and people wouldn't people would be like oh that's that

really sucks for them but there's you're not going to have the hand wringing that you have now yeah if there were a draft it would be different either we'd be out or they'd have or they would have to lower their ambition in terms of what they do there. That doesn't mean that we wouldn't rue the day we left when there's another 9-11. Yes, but it's really easy to say, let's stay there indefinitely, and let's finish the deal when it's not you. But this is, yeah, that's always the case. That's just always the case. When you start getting into the question of, you know, what's worth dying for,

and if you have a healthy dose of atheism like Dan and I do, you say nothing's worth dying for. It's not worth dying for. It's even just my time. Right. But let me say that people who volunteer for the military sign up to do what the commanders in good faith think is necessary for the security of the country. Of course. And if, again, if preventing a calamity, or if the odds are at least significant that a calamity might be prevented,

that is well within what people are signing up for when they join the military, and it's a tragedy if anybody dies. And let's take that. Let's just take this thought and put it back in history. So you see this thriving democracy of South Korea now, right? Compared to the North. Now, at the time in the 50s, you said, you want your son to go die for these Koreans? You're like, no, of course not.

But looking back on it now, do we think it was a waste to lose any American lives? When we see the result in the world, the tremendous good that we see in Korea and what that means for world security, it's not just Korea, I think you'd have to say, well, people died, but they did something good. It was not they didn't die in vain. They died. Now, people in Afghanistan now are pulling out.

They may have really died in vain. I don't disagree with you. I actually think the aversion to loss of life in these wars is what has also contributed to our inability to really affect change. I mean, every time one soldier dies, especially in our NATO members, like in ally states, like, you know, in Italy, when they would lose one soldier, and I know because I worked with them, I worked at NATO headquarters,

like, it was devastating to them. So I think... We are not going back in there. But here's the proof. Here's the proof. It seems to me, I could be wrong. And look, and that's not to minimize any loss of life. But it seems to me that if you poll military people, they're the ones saying, no, we should have stayed.

We shouldn't have pulled out like we did. I would just get a word in here. I don't think, I think it's immoral to have an all-volunteer army. I think that any, I just don't think it's right. I agree. volunteer army i think that any i just don't think it's right first of all you say these kids are signing on uh to defend america to defend our interests when i was in iraq doing shows for the troops that was not what i was hearing what i was hearing is i signed well one guy told me he wanted to be a police officer but there were no openings so he didn't have anything else to do

he signed up for the military one person just said he was looking for adventure one person said they gave him sixty thousand dollar signing bonus these are kids yeah um so true and that's the job any decent i don't think a decent moral society sends kids well maybe they send kids because they have to. But I don't think a decent moral society makes it about the poorer kids wind up going. That is true. I agree with you. I think everybody should go if there's a job to be done. I mean, I wouldn't want to go. And I might suddenly come down with a case of bone spurs.

But don't go by me. I'm saying if I would have designed a decent moral society, I'd have my shoulder. Well, there's two issues there, Dan. One is that you're on pretty strong ground, is that everybody should shoulder the burden equally, especially when it comes to risking

your life, and that privileged people shouldn't be able to avoid it while the rubes, the Trump voters that everybody looks down their nose at all send their kids to fight in the army. But having said that, there's a practical question, which I'm less convinced of, which is, would we make more or less correct decisions if we had the political consideration of the draft as an additional counterweight, because just because a lot of privileged parents wouldn't tolerate their kids going off to the army doesn't mean that we might then end up not intervening someplace that was necessary to intervene and then really regret it someday. So I don't, it gives, I mean, you understand what I'm saying.

It gives, it gives a little. Yeah, well, you have two questions. I mean, one is, will we make better decisions with a, with a conscription? And the other is, morally speaking, is it right to, to, to not have everybody bring, do their. The world is fucking dangerous right now. Like, it, like, people, okay, before World War II, like, that was the last big, big war, right? There was no atom bomb. Like, there were no drones,

there were no atom bombs, chemical weapons were, you know... I mean, there was no... What could happen in the world? Like, what could happen now? It's so dangerous now. By the way, you're already seeing, like, truckloads of weapons being sent

over to Iran. John Fish, what would it take? Do you ever do the Afghanistan or Iraq shows? He's a pussy. Are you crazy? I wouldn't even do that. Well, I'm a pussy, but I did it in 2008 and I was this guy,

not Andrew Kennedy. I forgot his first name. Do you remember that guy, Lynette? He was a guy. He used to go to Iraq literally every month with a new group of comics. You probably weren't there in 2008. I was in Iraq in 2009. Okay. No, this guy, I forgot his first name.

He was a comic. Every month he would bring another group of comics to do shows in Iraq. She's not old enough to remember that. She was in 2009. I was in Iraq in 2009. But he asked comics to do shows in Iraq. She's not old enough to remember that. She was in 2009. I was in Iraq in 2009. But he asked me to do it. I didn't really want to do it at the same time. At the same time, I felt, I mean, my God,

it's such a minor thing. I'm risking really nothing at all. And do I have a, I mean, I had to say yes. Also, I thought it might be interesting. It was an interesting thing to talk about. So I ended up going. I've never been asked. And, you know, maybe they.

I've never been asked. And I'm not sure, by the way, that I did any good because I don't, the troops didn't necessarily love my act. And the warden didn't go well. It's all your fault fault just to bring this full circle we did participate at a transfer ceremony because i happen to be on a plane coming from iraq back to kuwait where there was a deceased service member on board and we did that ceremony and we put our hand i put my hand on my heart you know that thing we saw on the news with biden i didn't see it. Well, where they transfer the

I don't know what they call it. It's not a casket, but it's a drape. It's an American flag covered casket. But it's a special casket that they use to transport. Anyway, it was called a dignified transfer. So I was at a dignified transfer in Kuwait.

Because at first they got to transfer it from kuwait to wherever the plane that it goes in and then anyway so biden was apparently looked at his watcher so it would multiple times i read did you see that john no there was a video where it looked i only saw once it looked like me at the end of my set where i'm hoping i because sometimes you look at your watch to know if you've done 45 minutes. Yeah, maybe he just had an Apple watch and it was saying, like, time to stand up. So it

just, he suddenly glanced at his watch whilst they were transferring the soldier from the plane into the vehicle. I'm going to give him a pass on that. I'm sure he didn't mean it. Habit, awkwardness. I mean, I don't believe...

He's under a lot of pressure. He really messed up, and the weight of all that, assuming he's a decent person, which I think he is, has got to be really, really heavy. I really... In a year, I would love to know how people will will judge

this moment uh and i i think everything up to this point has been calculated when i i was in iraq when president trump was elected and his biggest campaign like constant was that we're going to bring all the troops back it was america first he did not start negotiations with the taliban until the spring of 2020 he used that as like this huge diplomatic foreign policy achievement and also avoided what biden is now having to go through by not doing it during his turn to to believe what you're saying, one would have to believe the following, that when Biden, if Biden had proposed pulling out of Iraq on August 31st, and everybody at the roundtable said... To be clear, the deal that was negotiated with the Taliban without the Afghan government was to be out of Afghanistan by May 1st.

Yes, but it's at our option. So anyway, if Biden said, I want to be out by August 31st, and they said, Mr. President, this is what will happen if we pull out August 31st. Kabul will fall in days. We'll leave thousands of people behind. We won't even get all the Americans out. We're going to give $20 billion worth of military material, including helicopters,

100,000 rifles for the Taliban. We'll leave all that, and we will lose 11 Marines. Let's just list it all out what happened. There is no way he would say, yep, I want to do it anyway.

No way. It's obviously a mistake. Now, to say that the American people will forget about it and be happy that we're out, you might be right. But if there's, like I said, if there's mass executions and all that stuff, everybody's like I said, if there's mass executions

and all that stuff everybody's going to say I think fair-minded people will say well I'm happy we're out but boy did he fuck up the way he did it we did not it was not a binary choice between staying in forever

and getting out with our tail between our legs that was not the choice a proper commander-in-chief would have staying in forever, and getting out with their tail between their legs. That was not the choice. A proper commander-in-chief would have had a show of strength. He would have gone in there. He would have beefed up. I said it before. Beefed it up with whatever show of strength

he needed to do. Escorted everybody out. Told the Taliban, don't make a fucking move or we're not leaving at all. Take everything we need out. Every civilian, everything, every last piece of armor or whatever

it is, and you turn out the lights on the way out and you say goodbye to Afghanistan. That's the way, it's common sense. It's common sense. And Biden thought that's what he was doing because he said, we're sure that the Afghan army will hold. That's exactly what he thought he was doing.

But they didn't hold. So he blew it. Now, maybe it's not his fault. You know, who knows what assurances he got. But in the end, it's got a way. I wasn't criticizing him when it started. I was saying, you know, I feel bad for him. People make mistakes.

Lincoln had terrible setbacks in the Civil War. Churchill made terrible mistakes. He had some famous shellacking that Churchill took in the First World War or something. There's stories of great leaders making mistakes. But it's got to weigh him down. What did his watch? The humanitarian side, yes.

The equipment, I could give a shit about. It's already outdated. It's been outdated. For they can use that equipment. For what? To do what? What are they going to do with it? To kill people. To kill whom? The people we've already abandoned?

Yeah, to kill people. For starters, first of all, they need to know how to use it. A lot of it has already been disabled. But they could use the helicopters for tours. They cannot use it. The helicopters have been disabled. I mean, just for sightseeing. Have they been disabled? Because I heard some speculation.

In fact, the Taliban has been trying to get Afghan security forces, particularly pilots, to come back to work. Yeah, okay. But yes. What about giving those to the Chinese or something to reverse engineer? That's not an issue?

What are the Chinese going to do with it? Invade Taiwan? No, I mean to reverse engineer American technology of some sort. I'm asking. No, it's universal technology. We sell this stuff. We sell it to everybody. Okay, fair enough. Can we move quickly to John's special? I know it's an abrupt change of gears. This is like when you do a benefit show and they show a five minute video of the kid that's dying that you're doing the benefit for

and then they're like, no. And they often look a little bit like you. I've been dating divorced women lately, which happens in my age bracket. And there's that saying, all the good ones are taken good news everybody

they'll be back even my buddies are getting divorced now which is weird it's like we're living the same lives again all of a sudden. But we got there so differently. It's like I've been on a direct flight. Sitting in first class. Meanwhile, they've been on a Greyhound bus for 12 years.

Just stopping at every cracker barrel. I have learned a lot over the years. Here's something for you. From now on, when a girl tells me that she is a mess and an alcoholic, I'm gonna take her word for it. You guys cheered me up. I'm at a weird place in my life.

I told you, no girlfriend, no wife. All my family lives in Massachusetts. I live here. I realized recently, like, just how alone I am. Because my emergency contact is going to be surprised. Right? You get that call. You're like, wait, what? I'll be right there.

My person's going to be like, Watawa Sushi, can I help you? Well, let's just back up and say I think of the two of us I think I would be more apt to go to war than you. Oh of course.

Yeah. But John's in good John called me a pussy like ten minutes ago. John's in good shape. He looks like he's in good shape anyway. I am not

but thank you. Looks like you never considered a military career. How old are you John? I'm 40. You're too old. Looks like you never considered a military career. How old are you, John? I'm 40. You're too old. He's too old. But younger, John, when 9-11, you were a perfect age when 9-11 went down.

Did you ever consider putting on the uniform? I was very depressed in Brooklyn. No. Okay. And, you know, listen, it is really just think about what's worth dying for. How do you process this stuff? Because you take someone like John McCain, who was tortured in Vietnam, and he would tell you it's worth it to send kids off to die for this sort of thing.

And who could speak with more authority than he could, right? So it's not just like some privileged dude like me who doesn't really know how to process it. This is a guy who put his money where his mouth was. But it is true that we do recruit people who really don't have access to the kind of things that privilege people. Absolutely. Oh, that's rude. No, I disagree with that comment. I don't think it's rude.

No, you guys are making assumptions that the military is this homogenous Trump supporting organization. I didn't say any of those things. She did that. Or that we lack resources. I didn't say any of those things. I mean, it's a material fact that there is presence in multiple hundreds of high schools all over the country. And the demographic is the lower income places.

I mean, I have friends in the military. That is fundamentally not true. Well, if you go to the Upper West Side of Manhattan, where my people come from, you're not going to find a single parent

with a kid in the military. Maybe that's an exaggeration. Very, very, very few. If you go down to Alabama, it's quite common. So it's cultural. On the other hand, I know somebody in my family who was ready to join the military because they had nothing going on. My father served in the U.S. military.

That's a different time. And, of course, there are, I mean, I don't think it personally, it's not like everybody is desperate, joins the military. There's people who... That is a stereotype that has persisted since like the 80s when judges were turning to people and going, you can

go to jail or you can join the military. What do you want to do? And it's so offensive. I can't even begin to tell you. Because it's making an assumption that we're all low income. Low income comes with its own. That's not what I said, though. But you just said that. But I think it's fair to say that people with low incomes,

sometimes that's the motivation for joining the military. It's the motivation for at least some of the military. I think there are two motivations that I think are three, but I think two. One is economic anxiety. That is clear. Or the ability to get training, get a career. Like a person I know wanted to get training and a career for something. So that's a legit reason.

But a big factor is also cultural. There are certain parts of the country where joining a military is considered just a very ordinary thing to do. I don't disagree with you. Why don't we ask Lynette? You would disagree with that? No, I don't disagree with you that in certain parts of the country, particularly as it relates to enlisted ranks, you are

more likely to find communities that are pro-military. It's a problem outside of Colorado Springs and Fort Carson. It's like it's just becomes the self-licking ice cream cone where the closer you are in proximity to it, the more normalized it is to join the military. Now, of course, the farther away you move from bases, which there aren't a lot in the Northeast, there's Fort Drum drum which is practically fucking canada and then there's fort dix in new jersey and then the rest are around virginia maryland but then

you have the south or you have the west which is that's a problem so why did you join the military backup that's a problem in itself the other majority of people joining in the military the military are people with a family legacy of it. You did it because your father did it, your brother did it, your mother did it. Right. But that's not to say that we're coming from low-income backgrounds. No, no. Or that we're coming from a lack of options. She said that.

I didn't say that. I bristle at that because some of the smartest people I've ever met are the ones in the military. Like to operate a submarine, you have to be a nuclear engineer. It's not. Well, first of all, not having money is not the same thing as not being smart. Well, no, I agree with you there. But the equivalence is that if you are coming from a low-income situation, you are also coming from a situation that lacks resources,

and that means a quality education. So the Army will market itself as a way to get an education, a way to get a career, a way to learn a skill. So clearly that is... And those are all true. Right. So to the people who are moved by that

I mean I don't think it's any one thing but then also like our friend Clint Watts went to West Point and that's a whole other like more intellectual I guess and you have to do very well in school to go to West Point it's a different breeding ground when you're going to the academies it's completely different you need to have like

a senator nominate you it's not even necessarily that you are the best in your class. It's just that you had a commitment to wanting to go. Maybe you're an athlete, maybe you're a good scholar, but ultimately you still have to get that recommendation from a senator that says, yes, I think that attrition rate once you graduate from an academy is way too high. I'm not sure that their obligation is equal to the amount of the Afghanistan-Iraq war. I mean, I was there, I was in college in 2004, 5, 6, 7. Like, I got a one-year scholarship because everybody wanted to serve, and it was that difficult to get a scholarship. I still had school loans. I think what Perrielle was saying, and I hate to defend her ever. No, you don't have to defend me. I think what she's saying is that there's a lot of people in the Army who, if their parents had money, might not have joined. Like, that's all.

I mean, I just looked this up to make sure that I didn't just pull this out of Scott. You're not going to bring facts into this? I am going to. I mean, there are like just New York Times. The military targets youth recruitment, especially at poor schools. The military views poor kids as fodder

for its forever wars. I mean, I'm not making this up. But what percentage of the overall military is that? Well, I don't know, but I'll look it up.

I mean, this is something that like I didn't just, I mean, I'm not like saying something like rude against the military. I mean,

don't do that. Don't know. I'm teasing you. Can we the military. Don't do that. I'm teasing you. Can we get to your question quickly and then get to John's special? John's special. But firstly, what was your trajectory that led you to a career in the military? I was always going to join. I should have joined right out of high school. I should have joined at 16 when my parents could sign me away for basic training.

Because? Because it was always something I was going to do. But unfortunately, I come from a community where it's uncommon. And so it wasn't until I got to college and I gained a little bit more independence that I started that conversation. That community being? I grew up in Bergen County, New Jersey. Oh, okay. Did you ever feel danger for your life while you were in the military?

Of course. But who cares? We care. It's interesting. What was the situation? Why are you rolling your eyes? This is interesting. They make whole movies about this kind of thing.

I don't. I think there are certain types of mentality that if you're going to allow the constant threat of danger to cripple you, then you don't belong in the uniform because it is the fact of life. Also, you're not going to allow the constant threat of danger to cripple you then you don't belong in the uniform because it is the fact of life also you're you're gonna you're not gonna last you're gonna wash out i know but tell us what was it like like what was the can you talk about it yeah it's fine i mean you know i was so here's a perfect example when i was in iraq the first time in 2009 uh there was a series of bombings they They were really high profile bombings. Like they had bombed the Ministry of Justice. Like it was completely obliterated. This was in August of 2009. Hundreds of people

died. And then that kind of started off this wave of attacks on not only U.S. bases but then Iraqi civilians. And then it really was at its zenith with the elections that year. So when they held elections in March 2010, it was constant mortar attacks. But it's like, okay, whatever.

They're not accurate. This is a big base. It's the equivalent of dropping a bomb in Central Park. If it hits you, it's bad luck. And yet you get stage fright. I don't get stage fright. I've had stage fright maybe

twice. I mean, it's not obviously comparable level-wise, but it's like when people are like, what's your worst heckler story? You're like, I don't care. You get heckled. It's not a big deal to you're like i don't care like you get heckled it's not a big deal to you after you've been on stage a thousand times it's like the same kind of thing like it

becomes the background of your life no well yeah mortifiers heckling it's all the same it's not equivalent in that way but it's you have a job to do. I don't know. It's just, you just have to go do your job. I mean, it's the same thing for comedy. Like, our job is to entertain and to be funny, and if you're gonna be morose and, I don't know, if you're gonna cripple under the pressure, then don't do comedy.

Like, if you don't... My nagatomi. If you don't take your obligation to be an entertainer seriously, then you shouldn't be on stage. Here, here. She's right, you know. I mean, it sounds like what she's saying is obvious, but it's not obvious to a lot of comedians. You take an oath.

Yeah, but some comedians don't look at it that way. Yeah, yeah. They're an entertainer first, you know. Well, you're saying, Noam, that some comedians feel that what's more important is for them to tell their truth and the audience be damned? Yeah, or they don't give a shit whether they'll tank the room or they don't feel an obligation to do their best.

I think you can do that when it's your name drawing the crowd. But if you're in a lineup with a bunch of other people, I mean, it's not a cheap night to come here. No. You know, so you have an obligation to entertain. Absolutely. It's not just comedians. Every I mean, I go to these musicians as well. It's like people got dressed.

They put on makeup. They got a babysitter. They came out. They're spending money. You know, do the right thing. Don't leave them in Afghanistan. They relied on you hinged is the name of John's new sponsoring the next war in Afghanistan that's it that's a seed that's a DVD a CD it's gonna be an album and then we'll

put the special the video and special up on YouTube yeah now the goal of an album these days these days I mean are people buying albums I think you probably get some purchases I still get stuff

from my other albums every once in a while but mostly it's to be played on Sirius and Spotify but you get money when they pay it on Sirius yeah

and I would like to do not even an album I just want to record myself doing 45 minutes and I guess I know I might contact Liz about that as well. Yeah. Just to get like 45 minutes of the Fat Black Pussycat. And I'll call, what's his name, to record.

What's that guy's name again? T. Dizzle Tony Deo. Tony Deo. The guy who brought you the little figurine. Oh, that guy's a good guy. He's a real nice guy. Why would you choose Fat Black, can I ask? I need a room, and that's the one that

Gnome gives comics. But John recorded his at Gotham. Yeah, but then I'm not really plugged in at Gotham. I mean, it's easier for me to... Troublemaker. Hey, I asked Liz. Gotham. We weren't doing them yet here. I would have done it at the Underground

because of the built-in audience. I agree with you at the Underground. Built-in audience. I had to fill Gotham pretty much by myself. This is during the pandemic you did it? It was at the Tale. It was in July. Oh, yeah, we were.

But you also were working with a producer that could help you out. Working with the great Laugh Button. The Laugh Button. Okay, so I would just be doing it on my own. And it's just easier for me to use one of the rooms here because I have a relationship. And there's a built-in audience at the Comedy Cellar. Right, but I would still question why you would choose Fab Black over the Village Underground.

Because the Village Underground is a premier room here that's not easy to get. You could do the Underground at a certain time, a 6 o'clock show or whatever it is. Oh, yeah, I would get a 6 p.m. show. Give them 6.30, come on. Which, I don't know, you know, you wouldn't fill it. I mean, you might half fill it and then you draw the curtain. But the rooms in the Fat Black Tower have improved a lot. When was the last time you were there?

Pre-pandemic. Yeah, you have to come after the show, walk over there, go see. It's a big change. But Dan, do you want to record a special or an album? No, no. I just want to record 45 minutes, 30 minutes, 45, whatever it would be, an hour of my comedy to play on Sirius. I'm not interested in an album because I think I made 20 bucks last year off of that.

Well, Dan, if you want to do that, another way to do it would be just to do three or four 20-minute sets or 15-minute sets. You can do that, too. And I paid $25. But you don't need video right you just need the audio just the audio

yeah so you can just you can just edit them all together from individual sets to make one album nobody would know it's not a continuous show right then

and you could use the built in audio I guess at the oh we have our audio is is studio quality is studio quality okay so maybe that

there you go I feel like we just had a production meeting. Yes, I think. If it's video, it would be more difficult. But even then, you could just wear the same outfit every night. No one would know the difference. But audio is really a no-brainer.

I mean, a lot of live albums are made from takes from numerous shows. I did two shows. And for instance, the first one, I do a joke about being bald. And I say, I balded from here, not here. And in between the breaks, they're like, you have to say on the top and the front. So they have to take those words and put it in. So they chop stuff up. Any good engineer could do that for you.

Choppy, choppy. Choppy, choppy, baby. You can edit yourself, actually. It's pretty easy. Okay. Well, that's something to consider. I mean, you did a set in French, and you just wrote a novel. I think you can handle some editing, some light editing.

I think he needs to do an audio book. That's what I really think he needs to do. Oh, yeah. That's a good idea. Well, these are all things that I will be pursuing. Would you want Dan to narrate that book? Yes. Yeah.

No, he wrote a novel. I do, yeah. narrate that book? Yes. He wrote a novel. I do, yeah. He should read his own book. I'm well aware. Tracy Morgan read his book. Maybe Tracy Morgan can read my book. Tiffany Haddish also narrated for me. That's pretty easy to do. You just call up Dean Edwards.

Yeah, amazing. Wait, can you, John, tell me what you started to tell me about seinfeld and your oh that's i think is interesting because that's uh so this the my album recording was on a wednesday and on monday morning mazilli chris mazilli the owner of gotham called to ask me if seinfeld could do a set before the album taping. Oh my God. And you were like, no. Well, here's the thing. Because I had comics call me when they found out angry about that. Why?

Because it's kind of like, that's your night. It is your night. You know, that's like, but I had just followed him at Gotham the previous Friday and the audience couldn't have been in a better mood. What kind of a crazy idea would that be? I mean, if he's only doing 20, how much time do you say he did? Well, here's the thing.

He did about 20, 25 minutes, but nobody says do 20. Like, he could have done 40. He could have done. So he took a chance. Was there a part of you that's like, well, you better be taking me on the road with you now well that's the thing i had opened for him years ago at gotham mazilli got me to open for him and i brought that like he and i introduced him a dozen times between here and gotham over the years maybe two dozen still has

no idea i've had conversations with him up in the comic strip and stuff so yeah i he comes in and he's like who's the young man that's recording an album i'm like right here i'm almost your age well he's got about 15 years yeah no at least yeah but you know he actually gave me as much eye contact as he ever has he laughed at a couple of my jokes we talked for a little bit and he had george wallace with him oh Oh, yeah. They're pals. George Wallace, out of respect, I was like,

do you want to do a set? And he was like, no, I'm just here to watch Jerry. George Wallace, the comedian, not the governor of Alabama. Yes. And I had a joke in my act years ago about George Wallace,

the governor of Alabama doing the weather. Yeah. Precipitation now, precipitation tomorrow, precipitation forever. But nobody got it, so I still got it. But in any case. She's killed here.

You get it, Perrielle? She's killed here. She doesn't get it. Does anybody get it? No, but I like what he does. Because George Wallace, he said segregation. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a famous speech.

It was segregation now, segregation tomorrow. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a famous speech. We said segregation now, segregation tomorrow. Oh, that's brilliant. But George Wallace, I remember meeting him years ago back when the weekend pay was $50 still. The governor of Alabama? Yes.

And we were up at the comic strip and this is such a classy move. I've always watched other famous comedians and he's not even, like, famous famous. He's pretty famous. Yeah. Yeah, I guess Vegas, huge. Everyone knows him because he has billboards over there.

But they kept trying to give him the spot pay. And he was like, no, that's okay. And they kept insisting, and he just handed it to the servers, like, right there. And I just thought that was a class move. So, anyways, I told that story. Jerry liked that story. Then Jerry gets up does his thing he only does like 20 25 crowd's in a good mood i'm getting amped up and uh he introduces george wallace yeah and me and the laugh button guy you know we were just like what the fuck what the fuck

but i choose to believe that that classy man realized the moment, and he literally did two minutes. He said hello to the audience, because he hadn't been on stage in 18 months. Oh, wow. And he got off after just saying hello, told a joke about someone that Jerry had been talking to in the audience, told a joke about Jerry, I think, and said goodnight. Now, did Jerry mention why he doesn't like the Comedy Cell so much anymore?

No, but... Could you ask him? I heard the rumor... That he thought he got the light, right? That he got lit. Yeah, but I thought he got... He's been there since then. Yeah.

But, yeah, so there was this... He thought that Artie Fuqua had given him the light. But he was taking a picture. But, of course, he never did. What's that? Artie doesn't know what a light is no no

Artie's emceeing someone was taking a picture right no so well we don't know what it was but so Tom Papa called him the next day

and said okay well we can we can we can settle this where did you see the light come from and he said

straight across from the stage in the underground or the main room in the main regular comedy cells before the underground straight across from the stage and Tom's like or the main room? In the main room, regular comedy cells before the underground. Straight across from the stage

and Tom's like, no, no, the light is in the hall. Yeah. So you would think that would have settled the matter. Yeah. Never mind,

we would never give him the light anyway. Yeah. But you're right, it seems like he never was the same after that. Yeah. And that is human nature

in a way, right? I don't know. Even when my wife gets furious at me, even if she finds out she was wrong about it, she'll still carry it around with her

like she was right. She's rarely wrong. Yeah, but doesn't he want to not believe that happened? I don't know, but he had a bad experience. Okay. It's visceral.

So it just becomes associated with the cellar. I had a bad time there. It doesn't matter that it was all in my head. It was all misunderstanding. I had a bad time there. But he had 20 years good times. He was never here that often. Well, he was here a lot when he did his documentary.

When he needed us. No, no. When he was doing his documentary, we were the predominant. Okay, he was here a lot when he did his documentary. When he needed us. No, no. When he was doing his documentary, we were the predominant people. Okay, yeah, yeah, that's right.

Now, also, but there's other things. So he and Mazzilli are friends. They're actually friends and he didn't even like me. Nobody likes you. No, I'm kidding.

He doesn't know me from home. Okay. But that's part of your strategy is not bothering celebrities. You try to be... Yeah, but I know most of bothering celebrities. You try to be.

Yeah, but I know most of the celebrities. I just don't bother them. He actually doesn't know me. He looked right at me one time. I had no idea who I was. And then came back actually and apologized. He says, wait, you know him. I'm sorry. I should have realized who you were because I was trying to help him or something.

But anyway, so it could just be because they're friends. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, no. And it's, you know, it's very, it's very Jerry. The room. People say that the room is very Jerry. But I don't, that's like a little backhanded thing against Jerry, but I don't think that's the case. It's a backhanded thing against Jerry? Well, they say because Gotham is like very sterile and very, like.

I just thought like classy suits, you know, I think cosmopolitans, you know. Gotham is not cosmopolitan. It's a little bit more formal, right? I mean, the cellar is a little more laid back. I didn't mean Cosmopolitan. I meant Cosmopolitan. Oh, Cosmopolitan drinks, yeah. Gotham is nice, but Jerry came up in the comic strip and the improv.

So it's not, which is much more of a cellar. No, I agree that I would think that there's this scene in Comedian where he says, and he's in the cellar, I think he's in the stairwell. And he's like, this is what I remember. Like, this is the smell of a comedy club. You know, of course, I think that. Yeah, that's exactly it. He's also Jerry now. Yeah. He wants to drive his Porsche, one of his Porsches, right up front.

There is the famous story. This is another story that could be where Melissa, who used to park his car for him when he came here, dropped a bag of weed in the car by accident. And we had to call him up and tell him. Yeah. He might have been pissed about that. They don't do that at Gotham. That sounds more. No, there it's cool.

That's hilarious. But it's Hope. That's hilarious. But it bothers me. I mean, it just bothers me. Sure. I mean, but, you know. Well, all the other... We have Aziz and... All the other big...

And all his pals work here. And all his pals work here. Dave Chappelle and Chris Rock. Well, but another reason, like I said, why is it not good? Chris Rock, Colin Quinn, the people...

Tom Powell, the people he socializes with, the people who are his friends, hang out down here. And still he'll going to... Chris Rock, Colin Quinn, the people... Tom Powell, the people he socializes with, the people who are his friends, hang out down here. And still he'll go to Gotham and be by himself. Yeah. He's got to have a grudge against us.

That's a good chance. Let's get him on the podcast. That's a good chance. Well, that's not likely to happen any time soon. Well, if we do... Maybe you could do it in a car. Lynette, where do you perform?

I perform with you, matter of fact. Down the street? Lynette booked me. She did a show at the West Side Comedy Club. Yeah. So I know you work there. You say you work at Greenwich Village Comedy Club? No, with the Grizzly Pair.

Oh, the Grizzly Pair. Oh, okay. Now, how is West Side Comedy Club? What do you mean? In what way? Is that a good room? I've never been there. I've had good experiences there.

I mean, they don't... I was there one time when it was closed. They don't do the kind of business you do, but nobody does. It can be a nice room. Yeah. But, you know, it's decent. I'll be there tomorrow night, actually,

with Dave Justgau. If it's crowded, it's great. Yeah? Yeah, I like it. Do you think that a comedy cellar would work up there? Yeah, comedy cellar up north. I fail to believe the hoopla that this is all based on,

or no one thinks it's all based on, but there's a huge chunk of the walk-in traffic that is responsible for the success of the comedy. No, but it's not. We have zero walk-in traffic. No, but it's not that. It's just-ins. No, but it's not that. It's just a cool neighborhood. So when you're deciding where to go for your night out and you see Greenwich Village versus the Upper West Side, you might say to yourself, oh, Greenwich Village seems like a cooler place to go.

That's true. But I think a good show anywhere in the city people will go to. Yes. I think it's 100% lineup dependent. If you have a great lineup, people are going to go. I mean, look at the stand. The stand's not in a heavily trafficked area. I apologize.

Is that a sore subject? Well, the thing is, the reason I never thought about opening a club, I think every club should be within like two square blocks of here because the comedians then can hop around from club to club. Having settings, people uptowntown no one would drop in so i i do think it's harder to fill a room uptown than it is to fill a room downtown i mean when i moved to new york city that i mean we're talking like right before 9-11 so like just over where'd. Where did you move here from? Boston. Oh, that's right. I knew that. The weekends here were no more crowded.

Gotham was in its old location. Stand-up New York. Forget the weekends, though. What about during the week? The whole thing. The whole thing. We had shows on 9 and 11, Sunday through Thursday, where the midweek winter shows would be one long show. Oh, it was slow for years.

Yeah. The events were just as crowded at the Upper West Side, the Comic Strip, Stand Up New York on the Upper West Side, Comic Strip, Gotham in its old location on 22nd, Dangerfields, for whatever reason, was always still packed. So this place was prestigious, but not any more crowded than any of those places.

It's things that have happened since then. Yeah, that's definitely changed. I think there's a lot of brand recognition that comes with being the seller. And if you partnered with Playa Betty's or Westside or whatever and you started a comedy cellar north, I don't think you'd have a problem filling your room.

You may not be able to do three shows a night but for one show a night for sure. Also, by the way, comics opened in the meatpacking district 10-15 years ago and it was dead. That was a hot nightlife neighborhood. They couldn't give seats away.

They were trying to do a kind of Lower East Side show in a cosmopolitan area. Yeah, it's like trying to do comedy in Miami. Cosmopolitan drink area. You're too young probably to remember comics. I am. But they were a great club. But it was a nice club.

Yeah, it was a really nice club. It was a nice place. It was a crappy club. Come on now. It club. Yeah, it was a really good club. It was a nice place. It was a crappy club. Come on. No. It was physically very, very nice. They really did it. I mean, they lucked out.

I don't think they had anything. Because do you remember that they had potential for a band? You know? So they would have an extension to the stage. And sometimes the first show would be that, and the second show would be comedy. And it had risers, like a law school class. Yeah, it was a pretty room.

It was a pretty room. It was a pretty room. Yeah, but I think you're. It would be that way. Yeah, but I think you're... I don't think we have the same idea of what a good comedy room looks like. Okay. It was a nice, clean, modern-looking room.

Yes. Which is not a good... It's not warm. It's not fun. It's not a good environment for comedy. But they somehow were able to make it intimate, even though it was a larger room. Which I appreciate.

They lost millions. Oh, yeah. But they also had huge overhead. The stands main room isn't warm. Yeah, I don't, I'm not a fan of it. But I only say that to say that they're doing comedy well there, and it's not like, it's, I would describe that as a little sterile I'm not like

super in the mood to give you compliments right now but I do think that the way that you do things is exceptional I built those other rooms I didn't build the original cellar

but your attention to detail and the things that you care about and the things that you pay attention to are... Sure, I'm never in the mood to give no compliments, but, I mean, when a room is not right... No, but I'm, like, super not in the mood. He fixes it. Yeah, and he cares, and he really, and he cares about the comedians in a way.

Well... But I think that's also true of Gotham. Chris Pizzilli, when he's in the room and somebody's chatting, he doesn't hesitate to send security over to shut that shit down. Yes, I think that's a key word, security. Not a lot of clubs in the city even have security. Carolines doesn't even have security. It's wild to me. I remember back in the day there was a huge brawl at a club.

Huge, like, show-ending brawl that I believe began with Todd Lynn. Oh, I believe that. Do you remember that? I remember that. And the next week there still wasn't security at the club, but there was a tarot card reader. That was the solution. Oh, my God.

That's crazy. But why do you think, like, having just for the accommodation of comics, being able to run around and do spots, that having a single club on the Upper West Side would be a problem? Like, what would be the impediment? Because I don't want one room to be a stepchild. And I think that part of the reason that all the rooms here do well is because all the

A list and B plus list and top they play all the rooms that's not necessarily true there are comics that don't want to play the fat black locations well okay but Chappelle's done the fat black Michael Che does the fat black

Chris Rock has done it, I don't know if Chris has done it, but almost Ray Romano did. Almost everybody's done it. If it's not 100% the same frequency, it's not as if like Che's been doing it a bunch, you know? So, Amy Schumer has done the Fat Black a lot. Like, it's not

a stepchild. But if I had a room uptown, they would never go in there. You would never see... Well. I don't think so. You would never see... Well, the analogy is Vegas. You have another room in Vegas and it doesn't have the kind of star power

that we're talking about. And we get some drop-ins even in Vegas because at least they're in town. I think Vegas is more likely to get drop-ins than the Upper West Side. Why don't people...

A lot of people who live... Sorry. There are a lot of people who live up there. That's what I was going to say. But there is also the... at this point in time, the advantage of taking one subway ride here and being able to do as many sets as you want if you are...

But Westside in particular is literally three blocks from the 123. I mean, you can get back and forth in 15 minutes. Yeah, I think he's talking about the people like... I could be wrong, but like Ray Romano or something coming into town, wanting to reminisce, eat the wings, have his atmosphere, right? There's no table there. And then he can go

and once he's here, he can do two at the underground, two at the cellar and not leave a block. Also, I would never go there. And that scares me too. Well, that would be great. But I mean, like, I just know I would never trek up there.

And I wouldn't have any way of knowing what's going on there. Why would you never go there? Just because you'd be here. Don't you have any deputies? It's so much easier to get there, isn't it? Easier to get where... I mean, it's so much easier to get there, isn't it? Easier to get where?

I mean, it's so much shorter of a distance for you to drive to the Upper West Side. I guess you don't really... That's true, yeah. What's your address? I have to come here to work. Right, yeah, right. No, I get it. I don't know.

My show on the Upper West Side, I mean, Judy Gold does it every time she's in town because it's so close to her house. She just rolls out of bed. She comes. She does 20, 30 minutes, whatever she wants. And her son helps book it. Well, he's my partner. A little technicality.

And by the way, her son is the booker. Well, I mean. She might come even if it wasn't close. No, I mean. No, I don't think she would. I mean, that Henry is my partner for it is sure. Like, whatever. But she, it's easy for her.

I would like to open another room right across the street, like at that store right before Chloe that's closed. It used to be like a shawarma place, but it could hold like 100 people. What about the Mickey D's right near the, I mean, is that? It's not available. I tried to get it. It was already sold. Or maybe someday Al Martin will sell me his New York Comic Club.

Or maybe the Grizzly Pear wants to sell. Do you know the owner there? Of course I know the owners. There's two. Ask them if they want to sell. Well, what about the place that you were talking with down the street? I can't process this. You would want to have four rooms within a one and a half block radius?

Yeah. Yeah, why not? Well, you could still still let's back up to the two flat fat black rooms you could still kind of hear the rooms no but we're putting doors now you've seen i have definitely helped and we put and today we put in a more plastic between the pass through you can barely if you can hear anything you can barely hear anything now yeah it's much better yeah it's much better cool but there's no concern for you that you might be watering down your brand or the quality of the shows

or... Yeah, I am concerned about that. That's why we haven't watered down the shows. That's what I'm worried about opening up uptown. No, as a matter of fact, the shows have only gotten stronger. The more spots we can give out in a night, the stronger our shows become

and the less anybody wants to work anywhere else. Correct? There's definitely some merit to that. That makes logical sense. If they can come down here and stay down here, then... They're not going to put in up at the other clubs. And, by the way, we always have an audience.

There's an audience. The thing that is good about that is. And, by the way, we always have an audience. There's an audience. The thing that is good about that is, whereas back in the day, you would try to, you know, have your spots throughout the city and have to take cabs

and stuff like that. If you're late for a show and you have four shows in the Comedy Cellar block, it's in-house. So it's like, it's taken care of. So, like, the next person goes on instead of you

and you go after that person so as opposed to like pissing off an entire other club by being late so in that respect it's a lot easier well if the comedy seller show runs late yeah you don't have to then explain to the comic strip why you're not going to be there on time you just say you guys ran late it's your fault, and so they'll arrange it for the next show. As a host, that's a little harder because I primarily host here, so if shit

gets late here, I still have to go elsewhere to do a set. I don't have that liberty to be like, sorry. Liberty, liberty, liberty. He's always complaining. He's always complaining. Fetching. I think that was my first scratch. I was very positive.

I'm kidding. Anything else? Or should we put a bow on it? Let's call Seinfeld. We should call him. Yeah. I got to figure out what's up with that guy. I'll talk to him.

Yeah. I know he won't go to stand up New York anymore. I think they made up. Couldn't possibly. I'm telling you. I don't think so. I think they made up because I think George smoothed it over. George who?

I mean, the same George you guys have been talking about for the past five minutes. Okay. George Washington. Well, why would we think George Wallace would be talking to Stand Up New York? I'm just relaying information. I know, but you said like the same George you've been talking about.

We're talking about Jerry Seinfeld. We're talking about Stand Up New York. I said I think George smoothed it over. What other George would I be talking about? But it seems to me that Seinfeld holds a grudge against the comedy seller for something. I was just about? But it seems to me that Seinfeld holds a grudge against the comedy seller for something that... I was just about to say the same thing. If he won't come down

here, he'll probably get lit. And then he skewers them in the New York Times. I don't see how he would show his face at Stand Up New York. And the audience has been dogging Seinfeld talking about what a dick he is. I'm not talking about Altershaw, I'm talking about Donnie. Perry Hill talking about Donnie.

Yeah, Perry Hill's friend Donnie. Yeah, yeah. He got me my vaccine shot, so I really like it. He got you what? My vaccine shot. Oh. I could have done that for you.

Tracy Carnazzo was doing it for everyone. Yeah, that's who did it, but through Donnie. I would have gotten you a, not a generic. I got Pfizer, yo. who did it, but through Donnie. I would have gotten you not a generic. I got Pfizer, yo. Pfizer's not... Moderna's the one. It's clear now.

Is it? Yeah, Google it. You can get a Moderna booster, though. Google Moderna versus Pfizer against Delta. Well, I got Johnson & Johnson. I got Johnson & Johnson. Placebo. Worse than a placebo. It actually studied

worse than a placebo. You need to get a booster, Dan, seriously. No, I think it worked because the whole night I had fevers and chills, so something happened. It was no placebo,

I'll tell you that. I don't know if it works, but it was no... It's going to keep you alive, but it's not that effective at preventing a breakthrough infection. Can you please get him a booster? Well, go to CVS, get a booster.

But can I mix and match any vaccine with the Johnson and Johnson? Sure. I have the same question, Dan. I'm like, well, it's easy to get an extra shot of the things that were administered in two shots. What do you do when it's Johnson and Johnson? You're allowed to mix. Dr. Dorman cannot legally give you medical advice,

but he will tell you. If you read about it, he says that you can mix. I will read about it just to verify that I'm right. I'll do my own research as people are fond of saying. You can get a shot

at an anesthetic. So are we, are there other matters that we can discuss or is that, we wrapped it up? You had one other thing. Well, I had things.

That's what we have to discuss it. No, but say the one thing that you wanted to discuss. Oh, it's Hurricane Ida? No, about your joke. Oh, I... Well, you know, we can talk about that anytime.

That's not time sensitive. You did the George Washington joke at my show. Yeah, yeah, because I changed it. You did. I loved it. You know, the George Washington joke where I say we go back and...

The original joke, Lynette, was you say to George, in the future there will be a majority of the population will be non-white and George says, really? We're going to have that many slaves? That got a lot of groans and looks because the word slave coming out of my

mouth. People didn't like it. I don't think this is good, by the way, but I changed it to, so you go back in time and you say to George Washington, a majority of the population will be non-white, and George says, well, thank God they can't vote. That's the new version. That's more acceptable. And that's acceptable

and it got big laughs. Yeah, I like that. You also added the president. I had that anyway, where he says, oh, no, in the future we're all equal. In fact, our 44th president, maybe you better sit down. But that was part of the original version.

But by the time I got to that, they were already so horrified. And I said slaves. They didn't laugh at it because now in their heads, they're like, this is no good. By the way, can I tell you something

for your parents? So, you know, this is obviously, this is the best N95 mask. This is hospital grade, right? And this covers you really, like, it's not like a surgical medicine,

like, not like yours. You can breathe around. This pulls from the back of your head. Sounds very uncomfortable. It hurts your ears. Doesn't hurt your ears.

So, I was, but it's, it's big, right? And so I was thinking today as I was, um,

walking around, I said, they must make another version of this. What, what about small people, small nurses, small doctors,

you know? They are their size. They make an 1860S. Small. I just bought a box on Amazon. It's coming for $300. 120 of them. Yeah, that's why they say you're not supposed to wear those

unless they're sized for your face. Because if you wear the wrong size, they don't work. As opposed to that, which is not sized to your face at all you wear the wrong size, they don't work. As opposed to that, which is not sized to your face at all. So anyway, the point is this. Yes. I think it might work for kids.

And because I'm thinking, first of all, I don't understand why they're making us send our kids to school. If they're going to approve this vaccine for kids in the next eight or 10 weeks, why can't we just keep the kids home for eight or 10 weeks? Why do I have to go through this stress

of sending my kids to school now? But anyway, but I think this mask, this mask. I can tell you why you can't. Why? I can't get my baby to wear a hat. Because there's people who can't afford to keep their kids at home. No, the option. Last year, my kids stayed home and other parents.

And by the way, I live in a neighborhood where neighborhood where you know there's no poor people right so so like it was it wasn't really that they couldn't afford to keep their kids home is that they had to go to work and they didn't have any probably child care or whatever or some people just didn't care but i'm not saying that everybody should stay home i'm saying they should give us the option to keep our kids home like they did last year we had it was you could do you could do either one you wanted. They're fine if they all wear masks. If everybody wear masks, if everybody... But kids aren't going to want to wear that uncomfy mask.

My three-year-old wears it, no problem. My son's eight, but he wears it all day long in school. They would rather wear it than be stuck at home with us. Wait, I really do want to... No, I'm going to show you something. Look forward. Okay, you see this right there? Nobody, if I did this on the microphone, you would go ballistic.

I can stick my whole finger in the gap in her mask. Just hold it off of my finger. No, no, I can see in there. No. Listen, I don't want to make a Jewish joke, but there's a big gap there between your mask and the point is that... Honestly, can I... I don't want to interrupt, but I really find the seating situation hilarious.

Like, we are all on this side, we peasants, and Noam's in a chair. It has a high back, it swivels, it has wheels. The rest of us are... No, it's not me being the host of the show. This is not

I didn't create this is Robert Kelly's thing that's his thing no no no but wait a second I I always say

that you sit there and if you're not here Dan sits there I never sit there no no but she's right it is it is laid out

it's like I'm holding court you are holding court no I'm not no yes you are holding court. No, I'm not. No, yes, you are. All right. Well, I don't know what's with you today. But anyway, the point is this. I'm getting these big bags.

And if you don't want one, fine. Send your kid with that cloth mask, whatever it is that you have on. My son wears a KN95. But listen to me. I'm not kidding. You should really read about it because the sizing thing is a big issue with the kids. Yes, that is why I ordered small ones. Now, kids' heads...

I have a tiny head. This is a youth hat, so I'm on board. Kids' heads are not actually that much smaller. You know, kids have big heads. Is that the small? No, this is the regular one. Oh, okay. But I got the small ones, and I'm risking...

And I said to myself, I'm going to waste $300. And I said, what the fuck is the matter with me? This is for my kids' health. I waste $300 on dumb shit all the time. Speaking of comedians' dinners. I have to go. Yeah, exactly. I have to go.

Colin, you going to come see the pussycat for a second? I want to see. All right. That is cool. Have you seen this? Have we fixed it? No, but I have to put money in the meter. And then I'll go.

Oh, you park in the meter? I can't. Oh, I can't. Okay. Thank you, everybody. Thank you, Lynette Palladino, John Fish, B meter? You can't. Okay, thank you, everybody. Thank you, Lynette Palladino, John Fish, Beryl Ashenbrand. This is Dan Aderman signing off. Until next time, bye-bye.