The Comedy Cellar: Live from the Table - Adrienne Iapalucci, Joe Machi, and Lucie Pohl

Episode Date: July 7, 2017

Adrienne Iapalucci is a standup comedian and frequent performer at the Comedy Cellar. Joe Machi is a standup comedian and frequent performer at the Comedy Cellar. Lucie Pohl is a comedienne, actress, and the star of the new hit off-broadway solo comedy show Hi, Hitler. She has appeared in the films Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them, Not Fade Away, and The Odd Couple.

You're listening to The Comedy Cellar, live from the table on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Good evening, everybody. Welcome to The Comedy Cellar Show here on Sirius XM Channel 99. We're here at the back table of The Comedy Cellar. My name is Noam Dorman. I'm the owner of The Comedy Cellar. I'm here with my co-host. It never flows off my tongue easily. My co-host, Dan Natterman. Make sure you're recording. And one of the greatest comedians and basically pretty much acclaimed as most people's favorite up and newish comedian on the scene. And clearly one of the very smartest and my favorite,

Mr. Joe Mackey. Thank you. We have other guests coming, Stephen? Joe Mackey is one of the few clear-thinking people I know. Joe has political views which are thought out and clear. And I don't know, Joe, it's got to be frustrating to you in this career that you're working at a time when you really can't,

you can't even, for the sake of argument, spin out this side, on the one hand, and this side, and the other side. You can't afford to be wrong. You can't afford to say something out loud that you didn't this side, on the one hand, this side, the other side, you can't afford to be wrong. You can't afford to say something out loud that you didn't think through. And then even say, oh yeah, I was wrong about that. It sticks to you forever.

But you're a guy who thinks deeply about things. Is that an issue for you? Oh, I'll take the compliment. It's an interesting time in the world. Even in the play Hamilton, the more progressive they considered each leader, the more contemporary the music that they sang was.

If they were more in the past, they were into jazz. If their viewpoints were more what they considered outdated, if they were more progressive, they liked rap music. You saw Hamilton? Another way of saying that is... How do you get tickets?

Another way of saying that... I don't want to ruin the thought. Another way of saying that is if you're thinking what the most popular thing is, that means you're progressive. It's an interesting time in the country and in the world because we're in a time period where people watch the news they agree with. That's an interesting way of thinking about the world. It's like cognitive dissonance. You take the ideas that support your narrative, and you show people that, and the people who agree with you watch that station, and the other people watch a different station that gives you a different set of facts.

Their own fake news, like my friends did. Yeah, and it's not that they're technically lying to us. It's just that they're portraying what they want us to hear, how they want us to hear it. Joe, are you a political comic? I haven't seen you in a bit. I do political jokes, but I do them in a very broad context. I won't do a current events type joke unless it has a meaning that could be evergreen. So, say I'm frustrated that politicians are lying, and when politicians get caught lying,

they say, well, don't look at me. Look at what this other person did that was also bad. Like, that excuses it, and that's why I wrote my Tom Brady joke, because he said, I mean... It's okay, go ahead. He said, it's not like this is ISIS. Nobody died when he got called out

on the football-inflated thing. I thought, well, here's a great way to say that all anyone does when they're famous and caught doing something wrong is say, well, it's not something this bad. Steven uses that joke like three times a week to me. He cites that joke. Oh, thanks. I appreciate it.

But is there a joke that you do that you feel that doesn't go over because of the politically correct atmosphere we live in? Or that you would do if we didn't live in such a politically correct atmosphere? No, because I feel like a lot of my jokes, I want to be essentially true from the logic I'm setting up. So, like, I have a joke about how people keep complaining about how things are terrible in this country. And I'm like, I understand people not liking the president or whatever that may be, but it's such a short-term viewpoint to think that the world is bad right now.

So that's why I wrote that. The world's never been better. It's almost never been better, or it's never been better. So, I mean, like. My joke is, 200 years ago, people were having 10 or 12 kids, and most of those kids would die. And I talk about how just in that one thing, in medical technology alone, they would

tell you the name of what you had, and that was all they could do. So it's not overtly political, but it's saying, you know, get over yourself. People truly are hysterical right now, including many of our friends. I wasn't going to say you. He is indicating. They're out of their minds about Trump.

I mean, out of their minds. And I said, okay, but how is it actually? I understand you're afraid of these possible worst-case scenarios of what could happen. But has your life changed in any way since this man has become president? Like, if it was so great under Obama, then it's still basically great, isn't it? I don't see what the problem is. I think for some people, it has. I mean, if you're an illegal immigrant

living in the country, your life is certainly changed. But for most people, even for Trump's immigration plans, a lot of them haven't come to fruition other than the travel ban, which just went to the Supreme Court. But I think it's hard

to make laws. It's hard to change laws on purpose. And people complain about gridlock, but gridlock's actually usually a very good thing that's by design. So I showed you today this Buzz Aldrin speech with Trump's speech with Buzz Aldrin making all those faces. Did you see it, Dan? Nope.

Did you hear about it? Haven't heard. Oh, Dan, Jesus Christ. You might want to... Or whatever. So Trump made a speech about space. He had some kind of space meeting. You correct me if I'm wrong.

Oh, yeah, I did hear about something like that. And he made a speech. And Buzz Aldrin is making all these ridiculous faces while Trump is making the speech. And immediately it's carried by all the major newspapers and memes going around that this is Buzz Aldrin like saying what a jackass Trump is, which didn't make sense to me because President Buzz Aldrin is a conservative. Second of all, he's a Republican.

Thirdly, he was in the army and people in the army have a certain respect to not being disrespectful to the president. Fourthly, I listened to the speech and people in the army have a certain respect to not being disrespectful to the president. Fourthly, I listened to the speech. Trump didn't really say anything. I mean, there was some things you could think were not that well worded, but there was nothing like absurd. Like and as you pointed out, and Buzz Aldrin was really gung ho about us going to Mars. Obama had canceled that, I think. And Trump is like, let's go to Mars again.

So he's got to be really happy about that. So I said, something doesn't sit right here. So sure enough, I looked up a Buzz Aldrin speech on YouTube and actually tweeted out on the Comedy Cellar's Twitter, if you want to see it. I took a screenshot of Buzz Aldrin making the same faces

in his own speech. So clearly he's old, he's almost, you know, he's in his 90s and he's got twitches or whatever it is. But it is, I hate to use the cliche, it is fake news, you know? Instead of going with, instead of asking Buzz Aldrin what he thought, just go with the narrative that works. Yeah, that's right.

They didn't even ask him, like, why are we making these faces? It's interesting. What happened, George Bush started the Constellation Program. Yeah. Which was a super heavy lift rocket what happened George Bush started the Constellation program which was a super heavy lift rocket that would get us to the moon

Obama cancelled that and went with the SLS shuttle drive launch system Joe knows everything, come sit down Adrian but the problem with America's space program is it changes every eight years, it was in the White House, that's why I think the private industry has to come back. I have a joke I'm working on.

Do you mind if I? Please. It's a good thing the private industry is getting into the space race because America and the Soviets had a space race that ended at the moon. It's space. Or they say, first one to the closest thing wins, loser never goes anywhere, winner never goes anywhere. It's got to be, someone has to take it over eventually, or we'll just be going to what basically is a really high altitude plane. Yeah, it is absurd.

I actually feel, and always felt, long before Trump came along, that, and you know, not to get Dan Hayes' stuff, but you feel interjected. You know, when Trump said, make America great again, people called it racism. Oh, you're talking about wanting Jim Crow. And I'm saying, well, you know, for a guy my age in his early 50s, it means, it hit me as something different. And the space thing was one of the things I remember. When I was a kid during the space time, every one of us had an astronaut suit and a helmet, and we were going to be astronauts when we grow up,

and we just knew, even at the age of seven, eight years old, that we were America, and we went to the moon, and there was a certain kind of pride, and it brought us all together in a way as Americans, which we're in sorely need of, by being great and being undisputed champions, kind of. And I always felt like, well, you don't think that's so important anymore. Wait till China

lands on Mars when we don't. And we'll say, oh, that used to be us. Now it's them. There's no way that would be horrible for us. They'll never be cool. I don't care. They can land on Mars all they want. They just don horrible for us. Yeah. They'll never be cool. I don't care. They can land on Mars all they want. They just don't,

they don't have it. Right. They don't have cool. Okay. You're right. Can you just do this, Adrian? I mean, you know, they're never going to have

rock and roll. You know what I mean? You resisted the joke there. I'm proud of you. What's the joke? Walk and wall. Oh, I didn't even think about that. That's the Chinese restaurant

around the corner. Oh, is it really? It's right. But no Chinese guy's ever going to fill up the garden and go, are you ready to rock? Now, we have with us Adrian. Oh, is that a Japanese accent? That we have with us Adrian Iapolucci.

Hello. How do you do? Good. All right. I think she's making her first appearance on the... Are you making your first... Why is Lucy sitting by the wayside? Our other guest.

Come sit down. I think Juanita's going to come over. Sit down, Lucy. It's okay. Oh, it's Juanita? All right. Good going, Dan. Well, Juanita's not here.

I think Juanita's breastfeeding, to be honest. Last I saw her. So, Juanita, are you coming over? Are you feeding the baby? Alright. My wife had a baby and she's breastfeeding him. She's feeding him the old-fashioned way. So, Adrienne, I've seen your act a little bit.

Okay. But I haven't really seen a lot of your act or gotten to know you since you've been here at the Comedy Cellar. I was surprised you knew my name. Of course I know your name. I do the lineups every week with Esty. I was kidding. No, it's okay.

By the way, Adrienne's one of a very, very small number of women that work regularly at the Comedy Cellar. Well, I'm just saying it's the truth. And I know that Noam has been accused of being discriminatory against women, but I don't believe that to be the case. Who's accused me of that? What are you talking about? People have accused you of that.

All right, go ahead. Well, it is no secret that the Comedy Cellar has a relatively small number of women working here. So that's the stand-up industry in general? I don't really think so. I don't know. There's always at least one or two on the lineup. That seems pretty much where how many women are on every show.

I mean, there's more shows here than the other clubs. This is the only question that matters, and you can answer this. Oh my God, I wish I got into a car accident on my way in. This is the only question that matters. Is there some woman working the other clubs who is destroying

who we're not using? Because if there's not, then I don't care if there's no women. As long as I'm not guilty of leaving any act out that deserves to be working here, I can't get into what their race or sex or anything is. I mean, I think you

audition a fair number of new people. I don't know. No, I'm not accusing Noam of being discrimin is. I mean, I think you audition a fair number of new people. I don't know. No, I'm not accusing Noam of being discriminatory. In fact, Noam, one of the secrets to the Comedy Cellar's success is that they just sort of

base their decisions on who's killing. That's pretty much the main criteria. Whereas a lot of other clubs, it's about who to be liked. Personally, Noam could love you and never use you, and he could hate you and use you all the time.

That's true. That's the way it should be. You know, Noam is very good at divorcing his personal feelings from his booking decisions. Yeah. So I don't know, you know, I give him credit for that, although, you know...

I'm sure my wife has something to say about that if she's coming over. Go ahead. Sit down. we're going to introduce you oh he told you to get up go ahead Dan

well why are we booking 900 people we only have 5 mics we've been through this I hate to pull a Paul Mercurio this is what I think first of all

why don't we bring it I was told no no we're not sharing mics no get that other chair the hell out of here get that chair

the hell out of here I was that chair the hell out of here. I was told that Lucy... There's going to be another Paul Mercurio incident. I was told that Lucy was coming down halfway through the show. That's what I was told. We have Lucy Paul, who is a... Is that how you pronounce the last name? Yes, you do. Who is a comedian.

By the way, comedian is kind of a sexist term, right? You don't use comedian anymore. It's like actress, kind of. No, but actress is used and nobody thinks it's... I mean, a little bit now people are starting to recoil at the term actress, but basically it's still usable without too much offense taken.

But Comedienne is absolutely... You might as well call it Chinese and Oriental at that point. And the star of a new hit off-Broadway solo comedy show called Hi, not Heil, Hi Hitler. Hi Hitler.

Hi Hitler. She has appeared in films of fantastic pieces and The Odd Couple. Hi Hitler? Yeah, Hi Hitler. So I don't know about your show, but I will tell you this.

Dan is like the Jewish world's leading Hitler fan. Not a Hitler fan. In any way, shape, or form. Might have competition. Go ahead. Give your Hitler thing I have nothing good to say about Hitler

Except the entertainment Except that he has provided us with a lot of entertainment I agree, 100% You know, film, television, books He put the 20th century over the top Facial hair Well, the mustache you're referring to Yeah, was there more?

Well, I'm... No, that's about his greatest achievement. But were it not for Hitler, probably the 19th century would be the greatest century in history. But Hitler put the 20th century over the top. True. In terms of being the most insane, crazy-ass, fascinating century. Is there an event in human history greater than World War II? We'll never see

it's like again in all likelihood. There's not a story ever written which is less plausible than Hitler's rise to power and what he did. You would not,

you could not, it would not be plausible as a story. Unless it's total fantasy like Darth Vader. It's almost like Darth Vader. Exactly. Exactly.

That's what I say in my show. I liked Hitler like some kids like Darth Vader and some like Princess Leia. You like Hitler? I liked him when I was a kid. I didn't know that he was bad. I just knew that everybody was talking about him. Are you Jewish? Yeah, I am. You didn't get the impression in your home that Hitler was bad?

Not as like a four-year-old, no. People just talking about him and he had that funny mustache. I thought he was holding up a peace sign. You probably want to broach that topic gently for kids. Actually, I have kids and I'm not sure how to tell them about Hitler. I'd rather be talking about Hitler. I'm not even sure how to tell my kids that they're Jewish and that it's an issue

and that some people don't like Jewish people. I'll find out soon enough. Yeah, let them find out on their own. Exactly. The hard way? Yeah. I mean, it was drummed into us when we were kids. No, it wasn't drummed into me.

I mean, I knew people didn't like me, but I didn't know it was because I was Jewish. I just thought I was a weirdo. With you, it was the opposite. Your parents are trying to make you feel better. Oh, it's because you're Jewish, Dan. It's not your fault. So we're on the same page with regard to Hitler. Totally.

100%. He was a terrible, terrible person, but a fascinating character. Hilarious. And has given us a great deal of entertainment over the years. Sweetheart, you want to come sit next to me? That's my new baby, by the way. My new baby. Adrienne Iappolucci is very mellow.

She's got a very mellow... I don't talk to you a lot. You don't. I see you all the time, but we don't talk very often. I think I asked you a question the other day, and you kind of dismissed it. Well, you can ask me. I didn't hear you. I don't dismiss.

Oh, okay. If I dismiss, it's because I was obsessing about something. Oh. I probably had a symptom I was Googling to see if I have cancer or something like that. That occupies a fair amount of my time. You do have cancer. Well, I... I'm here to tell you.

Okay. Well, what was your question the other day? I think I was asking you when you were getting to Aruba because I was also going to Aruba. Didn't I answer you? I was going to ask you a follow-up question, though, and you kind of just. United Airlines. Was that the follow-up question? No.

Okay. I was asking when you were going to go. Tuesday, United Airlines. Gotcha. Ray booked me on United Airlines. I thought we had all agreed no more United Airlines. Well, they took that Asian dude out. Well, apparently everybody's forgotten about the poor Asian guy that got probably $5 million.

And people are using United Airlines again. No, it's just... Joey, are you boycotting United or is that... No, because it's just going to be another airline that does something terrible in another month. It's choosing between a bad option and another bad option. Well, I look at United Airlines like, you know, you might look at California after

an earthquake. Now's the best time to go. Probably the tickets are cheaper now in United, no? That's possible. I haven't noticed it. I don't think so. Let's try to get into something a real thread of a conversation. So you devoted your life to Hitler. Yeah, when I was four think so. I don't think so. So let's try to get into something, a real thread of a conversation. So you devoted your life to Hitler.

Yeah, when I was four, yeah. And I'm wondering, and you probably studied, I don't know your show, but I'm sure you studied all about him. So do you see Trump as a Hitler? Do you allude to Trump in your show? Everything, by the way, if you don't know, if you're not a regular listener, everything goes back to Trump with no. I don't think Trump is a Hitler. Well, if you don't know, if you're not a regular listener, everything goes back to Trump with Noam.

I don't think Trump is a Hitler. Well, he certainly isn't. No. I mean, the answer to that question is he's absolutely not in any way, shape, or form. No, I think that anybody can be a Hitler in that sense because it's about the people around that person enabling and empowering and giving power. So maybe he's not a Hitler yet, but he could be. He has Hitler potential. Let's put it that way. Are you a Trump hater? Yeah, I'm a Trump hater, definitely.

Definitely a Trump hater, right? I don't like him, but... You don't like him. I like how upset everyone gets, though, about him. They lose their minds. I know, but I kind of like that. They lose their minds. I don't like him, but I also like everyone getting really upset about him.

You know, we did a show last week, no one was here. I don't think the word Trump came up one damn time. This CNN where he smacks down the CNN logo. Did you see that? Yeah, definitely. What did you think about it? Fucking insane. Crazy.

You think he was inciting violence against reporters? Yeah, I do. Joe? I thought it was silly. I see how you could interpret that if that fits your view of Trump. I didn't read it that way. I think it's just a guy who always is doing absurd tweets with another absurd tweet. I think he's trying not to get impeached.

I think he's trying to rile his people up so much that if the possibility of him getting impeached were actually on the table, they would go nuts and fucking start tearing shit apart. Well, I mean, I thought he had this battle with CNN, and three CNN reporters had to resign in disgrace because they got the story wrong yet again. And so this was like his spike in the football. He did this post of a Trump, I guess it really was Trump, Stephen told me, of Trump smacking down the CNN logo.

This is coming on the heels of CNN, all right, she got in trouble for it, showing Kathy Griffin with Trump's head, with Robert De Niro saying he wants to punch Trump in the face, with Joseph Papwood at the public theater doing Trump being murdered in Central Park. Julius Caesar, but okay. Yeah, yeah, but these are actually Trump being killed

as opposed to a logo being wrestled, and they're losing their minds. And pro-wrestling is fake. Yeah, I don't understand the standard. Just tell me the standard. I'm actually against all of, I don't like the illusions of violence in any of this stuff. I've always been against that stuff. But if it's okay

to show Trump being murdered in Central Park, it's certainly okay to show Trump smacking down a logo, for God's sakes, without... Like, why is that not incitement? And is a million... I just saw another meme today of Trump being smacked around. Okay, so hi, Hitler. Because that's social commentary.

What they're doing is social commentary. And he's the president. Social commentary can't lead to real violence? It can, but he's the president. He has to take a higher road and not fucking... Isn't there something somewhere, and I'll stop because Daniel's like it, where the CNN reporters themselves all of a sudden said, oh shit, someone might see this and come after me.

This worries me. I don't like this at all. Whereas when it was not them, they never took the time to really what it must feel like to be the other person in the other show and say, oh shit, this is my lead,

this is the president or whatever it is, you know. They couldn't care less. Social commentary or not. Okay, Dan, go ahead. Well, no, I just had assumed we invited Lucy to talk about High Hitler.

High Hitler at the Cherry Lane Theater. That's a very nice theater. That's where Colin Quinn performed there. Colin Quinn. So tell us about, obviously it's about Hitler,

but give us a few more details. It's about being a German Jew who grows up in a crazy wild family. You have like a weird accent. Immigration. Yeah, because I was eight when we moved here from Germany. And I grew up in New York and then moved back to Germany.

And I think it's like an over assimilation thing that I sometimes sound like I'm a Russian Jew from Brighton Beach or something like that. Well, you have an interesting voice. It's like shades of Sarah Silverman mixed with some unidentifiable accent. But it's not your standard American chick. Yeah. That's for sure. I'm not American. I don't have an American passport.

I'm not American. So I should not talk about Trump at all because I can't even vote. You have a green card? I do have a green card, yeah. Now I do. I was going to throw you off the show. I'm not getting paid for this show. I could do it as an illegal immigrant.

Okay, fair enough, fair enough. Are you a stand-up as well? Yeah, from time to time. That's not your main bag. No, it's not my main bag. No, not at all. Can we come see your show? Yeah, please come see it.

Actually, I don't like the way they came out because I'm happy to buy tickets. No, no, no, don't buy tickets. You'll get free tickets. Let's go see her show. You want to come with me to see her show? Yeah, do it. July 11th through the 30th. Okay, well...

Except Monday. The end of the month would work better for me. All right, then. Why? Why is that funny? I don't know. I'm going to Aruba, man. It struck everybody as funny. Well, because they thought I was trying to put it off

as long as possible and hope you'd forget it, which I often do, by theuba. It struck everybody as funny. Well, because they thought I was trying to put it off as long as possible and hope you'd forget it, which I often do, by the way. It's certainly a strategy I employ. But in this case, it's because I'll be in Aruba. Are you and Adrian going to be in Aruba together? Me and who? What's happening in Aruba? Yes.

Oh, Aruba. We'll be there for two days together. And you're single now. Two days in Aruba. Kind of. Oh. I'm kind of seeing someone. Sorry, Dan. Well, that's Two days in Aruba. Kind of. Huh? I'm kind of seeing someone. Sorry, Dan.

Well, that's... Coming to Aruba. Exactly. That's okay. Your body, your choice. I've been to Aruba. Thank you. It's great.

I've never been to Aruba. It's great. Well, we do a show. Ray Allen, who's a comic that works here and a dear friend of ours, produces a show in Aruba, a comedy show. And so Adrian and I are going down there to do that show. Although, albeit not at the same time, though we are overlapping for two days. And that sounds like fun.

So hopefully we'll be able to frolic about together. Yes, I look forward to frolicking. And I'll see you in, you'll see me and I'll see you perhaps in our bathing suits. Can I share something with you guys? Go ahead. Because this is getting to me already. This show is usually pretty good. But I'll tell you something.

This is where Dan and I have a beef. I feel like we should talk about something that we can really argue about or something. And with me, it's usually like... It's always Trump. Constantly. Constantly, constantly Trump. I want to talk about a woman's right to choose or something really that people will listen and get crazy mad about or something.

And Dan thinks that people are just really interested in hearing us chit-chat about the comedy world, like we go to Aruba. Yeah, because we always get into good stuff, but you never let it continue. And so we never get into good stuff. Fair enough. Go ahead. Because you never let it continue. Okay, okay. And so we never get into good stuff. Fair enough. Go ahead. Because you never let it roll.

I'm letting it roll. Go ahead. You're trying to provoke something with me and Adrian sexually, which I guess was an interesting angle. It's like a kite. Sometimes you have to let the string out. Sometimes you have to pull it in. Also, I would remind you that we should have weekly meetings about booking, but you don't want to do that. I don't want to do that.

This is interesting. weekly meetings about booking so that we can, but you don't want to do that. I don't want to do that. So that we can really know, A, who's coming, and B, what we should discuss. He keeps a calendar. He has a calendar. What we should discuss with said people. Okay. So that we're all kind of on the same page when we get here. Okay. Go ahead. For example, I didn't know Lucy Pohl was going to be here.

You don't look at the calendar. Well, fair enough. But we could have discussed a little bit, you know, what you and I can both talk about with Lucy Pohl that would titillate you and interest me. I can't speak for Adrian, but you, me, and I know Joe Mackey. Last week's show was dynamite. I understand what you're saying, Dan. You're saying that I'm ruining the show. But me, you, and Joe Mackey.

Because oftentimes you cut me off and you don't realize that I'm going somewhere. I didn't cut you off. And if we go there, it'll be absolutely beautiful. We're quite interested in Hitler. Pardon? We're all quite interested in Hitler. Joe knows a lot about Hitler. Joe has a whole bit about going back in time and killing Hitler.

Yes, he does. Well, Hitler is a sub-genre of comedy. You know what? This, I think, is interesting. Hitler is an entire sub-genre of comedy like airline jokes. Well, it is. I do hesitate.

I have a Hitler joke that I recently wrote about Hitler, about women. I forgot what the joke was. Something to do with women. When people say it's a boy, when Hitler was born, everybody said, it's a boy. Turns out a girl probably

would have been better. Because with a girl, the worst possibility is stripper or prostitute. And with a boy, you might get Hitler. That's true. You never know. And then I roll it into a commentary on how

women don't become generally genocidal dictators, typically, and whether that's because of prejudice and sexism. And whether Hitler would have been, had Hitler been a woman, whether Hitler would have been, had Hitler been a woman, whether he would have been able to rise to those heights.

Or would have people been like, shut this bitch up, we don't care about the Jews. Because nobody listens to women. Anyhow, I hesitated to do it because I felt like Hitler jokes are almost at airline joke level now. Really? In terms of...

Not Joe's Hitler joke. People are still very shocked. But the point is, Hitler, it's like, there's certain topics as a stand-up comedian that have been so kind of like... Mind?

Mind. Right. That even if you have a brilliant new take on it... Like Hitler was ticklish? That's Ted Tell's joke. Did you know Hitler was ticklish? Even if with a brilliant new take...

I love that. When I did the show in Germany. It somehow feels like hacky, almost weird. That's the great thing about stand-up is you can go up on stage and talk about whatever you want. I think if you have a new airline take, go do it. I agree with Joel. Yeah, I agree with it too. I agree with you, and yet still I feel like I shouldn't.

You know, I have, I am working on like a joke about, a joke about that takes place in an airplane and like I'm slightly, well, no, it's not a Hitler or anything, but I do think maybe with other comics, Snigger, is that the word? Whoa, whoa, whoa, not the S word. Snicker, Snicker. maybe will other comics snigger? Is that the word? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Not the S word. No, what's...

Is it... Snicker, snicker. Snicker. No, snigger. I think it is snigger, yeah. I think if you have... I can't even say that word. If you have an original take,

they won't. If it's another... I don't need Joe Mackey and his 20, 30-something young friends going, oh my God, now they're in such a hack. Well, no one thinks that.

All right. And the fact that you're worried about that, like, hacks usually don't worry about it. They just go up there and they're like, I said women and men are different. It was amazing.

So you're saying being a hack is like having Alzheimer's. If you think you got it, you ain't got it. Probably. Nice. Because you're still self-aware. There's only like 20, 30 subjects that cover basically everybody's stand-up act. You're not a hack because you talk about kids or airlines or anything in everyday

life. You're a hack if you talk about them in the same way they've been spoken about a million times before. It's like saying you're a hack to play the guitar. I agree with you intellectually. But I am hesitant to do airline material. But now Joe has Thank you, Joe.

Well, Joe has a Hitler joke, so he had to say that. Otherwise, he'd be a hack. I have a joke about... One joke about airlines. I don't use it very often, but I do have one. It's just... It's my take. It's not about the food, but you fly a lot.

Yeah, you're bound to write about your experience, so I don't see any problem with it as long as it's an original take. Listen, your first obligation is to please the audience, Dan. That is the first and foremost obligation. Now, if you can please the audience on your own terms by talking about the things that interest you in a way that interests you and you please the audience, then that actually makes you a great artist. And if you can't do that, you got to talk about them in a way that makes them laugh,

even if it's not great art. The third alternative, which a lot of comedians think they have a right to, is to talk about things the way you want to talk about them, and the audience doesn't laugh at all, and then you get mad at the audience. No, you have a captive audience.

They don't want to be here to hear you talk about what interests you unless you satisfy the first requirement, which is to make them laugh. So as long as you make them laugh, as a club owner, I'm happy. In your play, where is the comedy derived from? From my

experiences, from my life, all of it. It's not a period piece. It's not set in World War II. No, no, it's not a period piece. But that would be a good idea. I thought High Hitler, yeah. Well, it's called High Hitler. It's called High Hitler because I thought people were saying,

Hi, Hitler, when I was a little kid. Oh, okay. Well, they are, I think. I think they are, yeah, sort of. It's true. Yeah. But I thought it was like a funny greeting. You know, Hi, Hitler.

But it's about being Jewish and this displacement and immigration and not belonging. That's what's at the heart of it. She's an immigrant, though. But when I did this show in Germany... Did you do it in the original German? No, I didn't do it in German. It has German in it. I put a little more German in it for the Germans.

They asked me, they were like, Is it okay to make fun of Hitler? And can you laugh at Hitler? Are there laws about that there? There's laws about saying Heil Hitler and doing the… The Heil salute. The hand gestures. Yeah, exactly. The salute.

You can't do that. It's illegal. But so I was like, fuck, what do I say? You know, because I was nervous because Germans are very serious and intense. And I was young when we left. so I talked to my dad about it. And I was like, what do I say, you know, when they say, is it okay to laugh at Hitler and make fun of him? And he was like, you know what you say?

You say the Germans were the only ones that ever took him seriously anyway. That's a good answer. Yeah, right? Right. Yeah. So I was like, all right, cool. So that was my answer for them. And the Germans always, when I first started doing the

show here, it was like at small festivals and, you know, little shitty places. And I wrote the German consulate very naively and said, will you put this in your events calendar? And they were like, absolutely not. We think it sounds hilarious, but it's too close to the original if you know what we mean. And then the same day, the Jewish Week wrote me an email and was like, we want to do a big feature on this. So, you know, the Germans don't have a sense of humor. And the Jews do.

It's proven once again. Well, I'll tell you this about the Germans. I mean, they've turned themselves around. You think so? No. Like how? I don't think so. They used to be all about racial purity. Now they're letting everybody in.

And their whole big thing is. I've said this before. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt you. No, but their whole thing now is diversity. I'm going to tell you what it is. I've told you this before. I don't know about that.

I'll tell you first. It is 12-step program recovery. This is not like you have anger issues. You're always an alcoholic. You're always angry. You learn this 12 step way one of them is apologizing you know you do all the things

and this is what the Germans are going through and it's playing out on the national stage they are still the Germans they always were but they're apologizing and they're going through all the 12 steps and it's a whole psychological thing but you don't change that you agree with that?

totally 100% 150,000%. And, just to be fair, and that's very commendable. When somebody's an alcoholic and they're able to go to AA and not drink for 30 years, you can't dismiss that. That's a real act of

recognition that you have a problem. But I don't think that people change. Go ahead. Sorry. By the way, so you don't do the show in German. Are you comfortable performing in German? I am, yeah. Because that's a big thing now in stand-up is

a lot of stand-ups are doing stand-up in other languages. And we have this guy Gad Al-Mala, the French guy who comes here and does comedy in French. So I don't know. Your German is very, very, it's a native level fluency? It's native, yeah.

It's hard in German because the sentence structure is so different. How do you keep your German up because you live here and your friends are all American? Because I speak with my parents all the time. Yeah, but they're only giving you parent German. Time. No, no, no, no, no. I have the real deal German.

I read in German. Yeah, it's in there. It'll never go away, ever. Anyway, we just got to... I'll tell you something. Dan likes you a lot, okay? Because I have never seen him like so focused on a guest before.

First of all, a guest that he wasn't even aware was coming on something that is not like right up his alley. And he is like really... I thought it was me I thought me and Adrian were having a thing I'm not saying it's sexual

but I'm saying like Dan is really into Lucy like that's awesome admit it Dan she's a charming young lady and I think she has a lot to offer

thank you so much but you know I barely know the woman have you been to Aruba I have been to Aruba I know she has an F tattooed on her foot. It's a D. Is that for fatherland?

It's a D. Exactly. Vaterland. What is the D for on your foot? Den. Deutschland. Deutschland. It's an F.

You're right. It's an F. What's that for? No longer affiliated. It was for Philippa Well who's that? Is that the relative that's no longer with us? No

She was a really good friend You also do a voice for a video game A very famous video game What's the name of the video game? Overwatch You guys know this video game? It's huge Don't worry that you don't know this game.

I didn't know it either at all, but it's huge. Is there an iPad version? I'm sure. I don't know. Because my four-year-old son is really heavily into video games now. Oh, no, no, no. It's like first-person shooter. It's the same people that made World of Warcraft.

Okay. I don't know. Do you think if I let my four-year-old play first-person shooter games, that's in any way going to make him more likely to go out and shoot somebody in the first person? No, not at all. It's the first person. Shooting in the first person. It's a huge, crazy thing that's blown up.

It's like World of Warcraft. But I knew nothing about this. Our son Nicholas would definitely know it. Overwatch. I used to play Doom also. Four years old? No, he's our 23-year-old Our son Nicholas would definitely know it. Overwatch. I used to play Doom also. Four years old? No, he's our 23-year-old. Then maybe he'd know it.

Yes, and I play a character called Mercy and her catchphrase is, heroes never die. That's awesome. That's positive. Yeah. A lot of... They just kill the vibe.

Don't say that one in Arlington National Cemetery, though. I think it was. They just kill the vibe Don't say that when Arlington National Cemetery though My daughter Mila on Father's Day asked if she can I tell you this? She says can we go I'm really sad that your dad is dead can we go visit him?

I'm like what do you mean go visit his grave? She says yeah I said well actually he lives I mean his grave is right near here, right across the street from our old house, which is like a mile away. We could go visit him. She goes, would we be able to see him? I'm like, no, he's buried. She goes, well, can't we dig it up?

I said, well, no, you can't do that. She goes, well, why? Why can't you? I said, well, actually, sweetheart. Actually, you can do that. She goes, well, why? Why can't you? Why can't you? I said, well, actually, sweetheart. Actually, you can do that. If you do that, even if you were to do that, when a body is buried, grandpa's in heaven, but when the body is

buried, it just turns into a skeleton. She knows what a skeleton is. She goes, how do they know that? I'm like, well, they just know that. She goes, well, how can they be sure? I'm like, well, science has proven that when you bury a body, it turns into a skeleton. She goes, well, how can they be sure? I'm like, well, science has proven that when you bury a body, it turns into skeleton. She goes, didn't they say that Pluto was a planet?

Wow. That's amazing. So she kind of set me back on my heels. He's Nietzsche. Pretty smart, right? You said, alright, let's go dig him up. Let's go dig him up. How you win? I can't have this conversation.

I thought that was kind of... Joe Mackey would find that story interesting. Oh, it's very interesting. That's a bright conversation for a little one. Didn't they say Pluto is a planet? She's incredulous. So what did the scientist say? But don't we get dumber?

I don't, but people around me... Get dumber what? I feel like kids, you know, they say amazing philosophical things, Oh, you're right. And then we dumb down the older we get. We stop questioning it and we start accepting it. Exactly. Like, yeah, it's a skeleton.

I don't care anymore. No, you're absolutely right. There is a certain, it's not extinguished in everybody. I feel like, honestly, I feel it's less extinguished in me than in some others. Like a kind of like open mind and almost like a, like you look at things guileless, like a child, you know? But, yeah, a lot of people just start, they just ride the rest of their lives on the assumptions that they picked up

and they really don't think about things anymore. And they don't think anything can ever be different or that just because it was one way at one time, it may be changed now. Politically, too, you know. Yeah, critical thinking is a lost art. There's an old quote about science. If you were in China and you looked to see what a human being looked like, you'd say they all have black hair and brown eyes. And you could have tested that hundreds of millions of times and been correct each time.

Right. But, you know, things can change. You know, people make up their minds, and it's hard to change them. Yeah. And they do change. They absolutely do change. So, yeah, the kids are like, there's nothing, they don't take anything for granted. And they notice things.

It's amazing the things they, they notice a little thing that I had never noticed quite And then they get told, oh, don't ask that question. Well, that's my mom. It's amazing the things. They notice a little thing that I had never noticed quite often. And then they get told, oh, don't ask that question. It doesn't matter. My wife says that to them. I encourage them. Our kid said to us today, she said, Daddy, you're the... What did she say?

I just say, go ask Daddy. No, they said, Daddy, you're the fun parent. You're the one who's really a lot of fun. And, Mommy, you're the serious parent. That's what they said. Well, you need that. I like that, yeah. And I told them that.

I said, I am serious. I said, what am I serious about, Mila? She said, my schoolwork. I said, that's right. Because that's all I care about. I don't care if you make a mess. I don't care if you spill things. I don't care what else you do.

Just be good in school. Very Jewish, right? Really, yeah. Just be good in school. Definitely. And that's all I care about. Now, that being said, Noam Dorman has made a great deal of money utilizing nothing he ever studied. That's not true at all.

That can be said for every one of us that are in the comedy business. That is not true at all. Come on, Noam. You're going to stop after high school. What's your degree in? Law. Oh, wow. He doesn't use that on a daily basis.

I use critical thinking on a daily basis. Not only that, I coded the website reservation system. And you learned that where? On your own probably. I taught myself. Exactly. But using the skills that I learned, I don't know if I could have taught myself that kind of thing

if I had not made it past high school. You know, that's a tough question. Look, now, for me in college, I have an extreme case. I didn't do a whole lot. But I don't know whether your mind sharpens because you go to college. Or if you could just stay home and read and get the same effect. Did you go to college, Joe? I did.

I think you're right to an extent, but I do think college proves that you can get into and out of jams. Like, you have a term paper and you want to go to a party. It's about learning to balance things to get stuff done,

and that's what college does for you. It makes you prioritize and organize your tasks to accomplish something. Really? I agree with you in one very important sense

that the biggest importance of college on a resume to me as an employer is that you finish college. Right. Okay, fair enough. College is great for employers. It shows that you can

actually do it. Because it's a test that you can do shit. But this notion that it actually provides you with any skills or knowledge that you actually use, I think,

is, at a minimum, exaggerated. I think two years is probably more than sufficient. Of course, a lot of... Mark Zuckerberg didn't go to college. I believe, did Chappelle go to college? Zuckerberg went to college. Yeah, he dropped out.

Abraham Lincoln didn't go to college. Louis C.K. never went to college. You always pick the most brilliant people who dropped out of college. For most people, it doesn't work out. Abraham Lincoln didn't go to college. Louis C.K. never went to college. You always pick the most brilliant people who dropped out of college. For most people, it doesn't work out. Not that it's not for most people. Fair enough, Joe. Fair enough. But for most people...

The outliers would make a point about it. Well, he didn't invent a computer, though. For most people, though, the shit they... What about you, Aya Pellucci? Did you go to college? Yeah. What did you study? I was a sociology major.

Oh. Well, that's important. You could use that. So, I mean, even if you weren't in comedy. Well, I wanted to go to law school. Then I started doing stand-up. Where did you go to college? Fordham. Fordham?

That's where I went to law school. Oh, okay. I don't know if I mentioned, I did go to law school. I didn't know that. Yes, and I'm ashamed. He's a lawyer. Dan passed the bar. I passed the bar. I passed the bar. Because my whole thing was I want to be this artist,

this tortured, thoughtful artist. And when you went to law school, it's hard to pull that off because it's like he went to law school. He's not this tortured. Geraldo was a tortured artist. He went to Harvard Law School. But it would have been better if he didn't go to law school. No, no, no.

I think it adds to his mystique. And also, I hate when people say to me, well, you can always go back to law. Well, I understand what you're saying, that college isn't all it's cracked up to be, and a lot of people are smart without it. Well, it is. And I also agree that if you weren't in college, you'd still be learning things, doing other things in life. But I can't deny the fact that I did learn some things, just being exposed to different things.

I'm not saying you don't learn anything. I'm saying from a practical point of view, most people don't use what they learned in college, generally speaking, in their daily lives or in their work. Some people do. That's true. Certainly if you're a computer science major or if you're an engineering major, you do.

But if you're anything else, you know. I dropped out of college. Okay, but, you know, when you learn something and devote your time to learning it, studying it, taking tests on it, doing a report, whatever it is, that process carries over into things beyond the details of that particular subject matter. When you attack a problem and conquer it in one subject, then you bring that to problems in your life. That's true. And you learn strategies. I learned more waiting tables for five years. I learned more from a three-minute record

than I ever learned in school. Paradise by the Dashboard Lights? No, that's Springsteen, and he was exaggerating grossly. I thought that was the record you learned from him then. No, that was, what song was that? No, No Surrender from Born in the USA. Anyway, so you're saying you waited tables and you learned. I learned a lot from waiting tables.

I learned a lot about how to work and bust your ass and really, you know. How to communicate with people. Did you wait tables, Joe? Yep. Communicate with people How to make shit happen for yourself So you don't have to wait tables anymore It's true

I'd say for my life I learned the most About working and making shit happen In high school Waiting tables Because you bust your ass Okay here's the thing I know you're not supposed to do this But I did this a long time ago My wife was a met, okay, here's the thing. I know you're not supposed to do this, but I did this

a long time ago. My wife was a waitress here and I hit on her and she married me. That's nice. Yeah. And they have three wonderful children.

And actually, when I first hit on her, she was pregnant. With another man's baby. With another man's baby. That's amazing. And I tried to, that's like my mom and dad too.

My dad met my mother when she was pregnant with my older sister. And did he, and he tried to get with her while she was pregnant? He did get with her. They had sex while she was pregnant? I'm sure, yeah.

Oh, my God. She was only three months pregnant. I happen to like a pregnant woman. It's a fetish. I mean, it's certainly not... I'm not the only one. No, because you think they can't get pregnant, right? So that's one thing.

I don't know what the psychology is, but I find it kind of hot. But actually... Adrienne Ippolucci... My wife claims she's Puerto Rican and she could still get pregnant, but go ahead. I think it's still waters run deep. Here Adrienne is all this time.

You know, we don't talk too much, but I see her and I never knew that you had legal ambitions to be an attorney. I worked in a law office for a lot of years, too, seven years. Doing what? Paralegal stuff. So you know a lot about that. Sometimes the paralegals know more than the lawyers. No.

Yes, they know a lot of the nuts and bolts, like the forms and the business. That's what you say to them to make them feel good. It's like when you say to a nurse, I bet you know more than the doctors do, huh? But sometimes they do. They really do. Dan, you still know more than me, if that makes you feel better. No, I've forgotten.

I mean, that was 20 years ago that I graduated, so I've forgotten most of it. Anyway, being a lawyer sucks. It is the worst. I can't tell you how miserable virtually every single person I went to law school was for the first 20 years of their practice. Now that they're all, they're like really kind of rich and established partners, they're finally beginning to enjoy themselves.

But they went through misery. This is what I think of. Had I been a lawyer, I would have hated it. Did you practice law at all? I never did. No, I never did. Because I wanted to be in show business. I thought I'd be a big star

of stage and screen, but it didn't work that way. Had I stayed a lawyer, I probably would have hated every minute of it, but guess what? I'd be retired by now. What kind of a lawyer would you have been? What's so great about being retired and do what? That's true. Oh my God, that's when you get Alzheimer's. Oh, that doesn't sound so bad.

You have to have a lot of money to be retired to live and have the fun that you've had the last 20 years in your career. No, but you know what? If you're single, here's the key. Had I been a lawyer and worked 15 years as a lawyer with no wife and no kids, like I don't have a wife and kids now, ending with comedy maybe

a little bit here and there, I could be retired. Mo or semi-retired. You don't need that much money when you don't have a here and there. I could be retired. Moat or semi-retired. You don't need that much money when you don't have a wife and kids. We had this conversation at the table late night once about if you could have

$10 million right now, would you quit comedy forever? Yes. I said no. And you said yes, if I recall correctly. Oh, I said yes. I said yes.

Now, I'd still do the podcast. Why aren't you a lawyer? I thought that I would have it Oh, I said yes. I said yes. Now, I'd still do the podcast. Why aren't you a lawyer? I thought that I would have it all, you understand. I thought I would have the showbiz and the money. You still can. It's late in the day. That's the great thing about showbiz.

This is America, Dan. The sun is low in the western sky. No, no, no, no, no. The sun is low in the western sky. If you decide it is, that's true. And I got punks like Mackie. How old are you, Mackie? 38.

I got these... Oh, you're older than I thought. But all these young motherfuckers like Mackay and Sam Morrill and what's that guy with the talks like me? Adrian.

Adrian, I'm Marlucci. Mark Norman? That Mark Norman. And all you motherfuckers n nip it in my heels. I have to work extra hard. I will thank you for that. Because of Mark Norman and Sam Morrow and Mackay, that I keep writing.

Because I got to fucking hold my place. You got to perform. You're only as good as your last meal. I'm going to get shown the fucking door. You got to perform every day here, Dan. They keep coming. SD is ruthless. Because they keep coming.

They're not stopping. They keep coming at an accelerating rate. And at these cucarachas. And, you know, of course, youth is an advantage. You know, when Comedy Central or Netflix or whomever comes sniffing around, you get extra credit for being younger. So I got to, you know, I got to write those jokes. Old-ish white guys have it tough right now, Dan.

That's correct. I think so, yeah. You don't look your age. Just lie. You have to talk in the mic, sweetheart. Juanita says you don't look your age. Just lie. But they to talk in the mic, sweetheart. Juanita says you don't look your age, just lie. But they know I've been around, like Pam Loshack

over here, she's not on the mic, but she's a PR agent. She's been seeing my face now for 15 years. I can't lie to her. She knows I've been around for a long time. But the industry knows I've been around forever, is what I'm saying. Yeah, but if you write a

great bit, it's still going to get noticed. It's still going to get talked about by comics. And the last thing that's coming to comics mind is, Dan is this age. I mean, Louis reinvented his career. I was just going to say, we'd heard of him, but America hadn't heard of Louis C.K.

Or Rodney Dangerfield. Yeah, and the industry makes a lot of mistakes. Oh, they certainly do, but they're the gatekeepers. But over time, those mistakes get corrected. I feel like in stand-up, at least, it's the fairest of any art form. I mean, an actor, you're just hoping someone picks you. A rock band, music might not be the flavor of the day.

Speaking of acting, Lucy Poe. I think you're right, Joe. No, I agree. Acting. Did I miss something? Whatever. Remember Dead Poets Society where the kid wanted to become an actor? Right.

And the father said no? I'm starting to see the father's point. Years later. Can you draw Adrienne out a little bit? She's upsetting me. I'm upsetting you? I'm just listening. I'm trying to read the bubble over your head. I know there's something little bit? She's upsetting me. I'm upsetting you? I'm just listening. I'm trying to read the bubble over your head.

I know there's something going on. She's thinking. And whatever the thought process is going on in her head right now, I don't think it's flattering in any way. She's not at ease. Oh, God. She's not perfectly at ease. But Adrienne, what are your ambitions in this business?

I would like to do a special, have a TV show. The first one she already accomplished. We talked about it at the top of the show, but go ahead. I don't know, have a TV show that I've written and could be in. Well, I think we could all get on board that train. Is there a part for

Dan? When Judd Apatow was on the show, I demanded he give Dan a part, and now apparently there's a script. Well, I'm doing another episode of Crashing, yes. I don't know if it's to do with Noam or not. Yes, it was to do with me. I think that Noam likes to take credit where credit's

not due, but I'm happy to give him credit. He told me it was because of me. Okay, well then I'm grateful. The episode is called It's Because of Noam. Well, Lucy, are you an actress primarily? I mean, you're doing this one-person show, but what's the end game here? You want to be noticed and put in motion pictures?

Motion pictures. That's how they used to call it back in the 30s, the motion picture. No, I write my own shows now, and so I also am writing for TV that I'm pitching. And that's an end game for me. Like a Hogan's Heroes for women kind of thing? Yeah, like the good, the bad, and the ugly for women.

Oh, is that really what you're doing? That's a good idea. Yeah, that's something. Clack, clack, cl something. That's the heels. All right, Dan. I think we're almost out of time. We do a few more minutes. This way they can edit it.

There were some lower moments early on. Just Adrian, please. Get her upset about something. I want to see the real Adrian. I don't think that I'm going to do that right now. It's probably not going to happen. Again, I don't know Adrienne well. She comes here.

For some reason, we just haven't talked a lot. I don't know why that is. She's quiet. Because she's very quiet. This could just be Adrienne. And you're interpreting that as she doesn't like you or she's ill at ease or she thinks this podcast is bollocks. It may simply be that she's very, very quiet. I'll back Adrian up on that.

You do seem very reserved compared to a lot of comedians you're not trying to be on, but when you go on stage, it's very clever. Dynamite, baby, dynamite. Very well written, very clever. I love how dark your sense of humor is. Thank you. I heard that you have a transgender joke. What did I hear today?

Dan was talking about the fact that it's very difficult to make jokes about... Well, I was saying that, yes, transgender... Look, when we were kids, you'd make fun of transgender, you wouldn't think twice. And now, transgender is very, very sensitive. You know, you have to tread

carefully. And so somebody brought up the know, you have to tread carefully. Yes. And so somebody brought up the fact that you have a transgender joke. Yes. Have you gotten any blowback from that? Any? None. It's not really offensive.

It's about me wanting, me liking transgendered women because the more men that transition will raise the weight for women. That's a funny take. It's really about you, like an overweight Adrian joke. I guess.

I don't want to give people the idea that you're insulting transgender people. It's kind of a funny take on self-effacing. Yeah, I guess. It's still me wanting more. I'm for it. You have for.

Now, what did transgender people do before the surgery? I mean, is there any in history? Do we know of any transgender people that, of course, in those days you didn't have hormones and you didn't have surgery? So what happened? You just lived almost like a woman. There's a character in Little Big Man, the Dustin Hoppin movie. It was a transgender Native American. Do we see in literature, in old plays and books, do people talk about transgenderism?

I don't know. Or whatever the word was at the time? I don't know. I guess they must have been there. It didn't just start. transgenderism? I don't know. Or whatever the word was at the time? You know, I mean, I guess they must have been there. It's not, it didn't just start happening now. Maybe they call them cross-dressers, I think. Right. Maybe they were just cross-dressing. Did you read that article

that Hitler had a micro phallus? No, but he only had one nut. I had heard he had heard one. Everybody knows he just had one, only had one ball. There had heard he had heard one. Everybody knows he just had one. No, this is more that apparently there's something called a micro phallus, which is like a unique. Micro phallus? Yeah, which is.

Well, that explains everything, obviously, right? Yeah, it's not even it's not just a small pee pee. It's like it's like clinically small, I guess, you know, like it's a micro phallus. Is it ingrown? It could have been inverted like an inverted nipple. And apparently, I just read an article in an incredible place, I can send it to anyone, that they think

that Hitler had this, and he was derided for it, and it just became the source of his rage. That's why I'm saying that. It makes sense if that was the case. You would think he would have a tiny little penis. One example of the penis leading to... you know... You know,

this whole notion of people with small penises acting out and being enraged, I don't know anybody in my entire life that was ever made fun of for having a small penis.

Not one single fucking person. Maybe you only know big penises. I do. That was made fun of by friends. I mean, maybe people used to see each other naked more than they do now. Small Dick Willie used to get made fun of all friends I mean maybe people Used to see each other Naked more than they do now

Small Dick Willie Used to get made fun of All the time in my school And also Even if you have a small penis I think you can tell When a man has a small penis How so?

Because of their attitude You really think It makes a difference? Yeah Definitely X-ray penis vision Well I My wife claims to have seen

Very small penises before. They have small penis attitude. Thank you. Small penis attitude. That's exactly what I think. This is Juanita Dorman. Nay Bari. Go ahead. They have a different type of attitude.

You can tell men have a small penis attitude. Thank you. How would you describe that? Very insecure. Well, I have a small penis attitude. Thank you. What's a small penis? How would you describe that? In the mic. Very insecure. Insecure. Well, then. He's number one. Well, I have a small penis attitude without the small penis.

Amazing. The truth is that most men have a reasonably sized penis. Is that true, Cedar? No. How would I know? Most men. I don't think that's true. I haven't seen most men's penises either,

but I don't think that's true from the way they act. There's a lot of small penis attitude. What are you considering small? Well, I would consider anything under four inches or less. Yeah, four inches or less. Oh, I don't think there's many people that are under four inches. I've definitely seen one in my life. Even in the erect state that was under four inches. I think. I've definitely seen one in my life. Even in the erect state that was under four inches.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that four inches? No, that's eight inches. That's what I tell my wife. That's like two inches. It was like that. He was very small.

And that was in his erect state. Yeah. And was he insecure erect state. Yeah. And was he insecure? Yeah. Yeah. He was a dead fucking small penis ringer. Oh, God. I would be so stressed out every time I was with a new girl.

I'd want to marry the first girl. That's why they're not nice to women. They're aggressive and secure. Yeah, because of their small penis. Because they're stressed out, probably. It's sad. It is. I hope because of their small penis. Because they're stressed out, probably. It's sad. It is. I hope you were kind to him.

I was. It doesn't matter. I let him show it to me. But in truth, in terms of the sensation and the orgasm. My wife is here, Dan. Shut up. What size penis is optimal and is four inches sufficient to give you an orgasm? Adrian.

Adrian, we asked Adrian Apaloochee. I'm gay. I'm now gay. Are you bisexual? I know you're not gay because you've dated. I don't come from actual penetration, so. Check, please. This podcast has run the gambit.

So if you don't come from penetration, then no penis is going to satisfy you fully. You'd still like the feeling, though. No, there's no satisfaction with a small penis. No. So four inches doesn't satisfy you. Agreed. No. Not really. I do agree.

Sorry, guys. Well, sorry to those of our listeners that have. You guys. I do agree. Sorry, guys. Well, sorry to those of our listeners that have. You guys got to do it. Sorry, Dan. No, I have a very reasonably sized penis, as I've mentioned on this show in the past. Most people are average. Most people. By definition, yeah.

Yeah. Well, no, it could be a high standard deviation. There could be a lot of variation around the mean. I see. Most people are... Generally, most people are average at things. Are these the things you think about, Dan? I never had penis... First of all, most of my childhood,

I would hear the older kids talking about their penis size and wondering, why does this matter? I just use this thing to pee out of. you know, when you're a little kid. Gotcha. And later years, I realized, oh, okay, you can use it for other things. But penis size was never, of the many things I obsess about, and the many things I'm insecure about, and the many things I worry about,

never, penis size was never an issue. We thought you meant the plural of penis was penis size. Penis size. No, penis size the plural of penis was penis size. Penis size. No, penis size. I thought you said penis eyes. That was a nice one. Penis eyes. That's what you said.

Penis eyes. Oh, that's great. Penis eyes. He's got those penis eyes. Well, is that a song? Dan and his penis eyes. Betty Davis eyes. Oh, Betty Davis eyes.

I don't think that's true. I have three boys, and my two boys run around the house naked showing their big penis. They know they have a big penis. I'm pretty sure my four-year-old, if he had a small penis, he would not be taking off his pants. That is interesting. They can't know, except you tell them all the time. He knows. He touches it.

He plays with it. He sees his other friends. They already see other friends. Yeah, take him to the black kid's house for a play date. He won't think his kid's so big anymore. He doesn't need to. He doesn't need to. Trust me. take him to the black kid's house for a play date. He won't think his kid's taking something anymore. He doesn't need to. He doesn't need to. Trust me.

Take him to the Sylvan's house. No. Well, yeah. Well, all right, maybe. But that's rare, too, right? Isn't it? That's weird when you have an extremely large, large penis. That's weird.

Apparently, it's not as rare among MCs as it is among regular acts. I've seen two small penises, and one of them was a black guy. Wow. Really? Really. It's like a leprechaun. Yeah. Well, I've read online that there really is no correlation between race and penis.

That's ridiculous. Yeah, I'm starting to believe it too. That there's no correlation? Yeah, I don't think so. Really? Yeah. Of course. I've seen a lot of Italians with big penises.

That's true. I've seen a big Japanese penis. See? Yeah. Whoa. And Asians have small penises. It wasn't Emperor Hirohito, was it? No.

Listen, this is what we do. And I know Joe's going to agree with me, but it's a very, very sensitive subject, but I'm going to just touch it slightly. We take the subjects which are most emotionally charged, and we say, no, those can never vary across ethnic groups. There's no correlation. Everything else we're perfectly fine with. Like, sure, you can be tall, you can be heavier, bigger bones, whatever it is, your eyes. Any feature that doesn't matter. You could say Jewish girls have bigger tits.

Yeah, probably. But the ones that really matter, we will say, no, that's awful. Not true. It's not even possible that it varies according to ethnicity. But it's unlikely that it would work out that way. Probably everything varies. Well, Noam has just alluded to something quite politically incorrect.

So now may be a good time to sign off. No, I have read that, that, you know, of all the research I've done online. Now, you say, Dan, who are you going to trust, the research you've done online or your sister's research? That's a joke.

That's one of my bits. How much research have you done? No, I just was curious because I'm a curious George. To be clear, just on my political incorrectness, I just don't think there's any data one way or another. I just don't, whenever people start rejecting

things, not because they really have any information in front of them, but because obviously because they really don't want it to be true, I'm just pointing it out, you know. Well, penis size is one thing that most black men, I think, are, if I may speak for the black community, happy to claim as a stereotype. But I don't know that it is necessarily true. I would say in stand-up, you would have a harder time going against a popular conceived notion, right or wrong,

because so many jokes are about racial stereotypes. I know. And when you say that they're not true, now you've really dug yourself a hole because you have to tell an audience full of people that have a two-drink minimum. What John last year said,

I don't know if he has any thoughts about this. No, don't ask. Okay, go ahead. He might be offended by the question. You know what? Don't even say it. Just show us. Exactly. Do you really want?

This even crosses the line for me. You're going to ask him? Well, I thought that I would. Go ahead, go ahead. John, come here for a second. Actually, Lucy, we're going to... Just move over. We're about to end anyway.

I'll move over. I'll move over to... Let John sit down. I just want to apologize to John up front. I just hate to have discussions that involve race when we have an all-white group of people. I feel it's inappropriate. Those are my best conversations about race, but go ahead.

We were talking about penis size and race, and I posited that I don't believe there really is a correlation, according to the research I've done online. Right. I don't know if you have any thoughts. I definitely do, and I definitely think that there is a correlation. And I'll tell you who you should ask. You should ask hookers in Amsterdam.

That's who I asked. And they said, definitely. We chase Asian guys around because it's way easier on our bodies. And this is from hookers in Amsterdam. Who would know better about dick size than hookers in Amsterdam? Nobody. So that's who I asked, and they said, yeah. And the chick told me, she said, that's why I didn't

want to sleep with you. She was like, yeah, but you know, I thought you were cute, and she said, I knew you were going to have a big dick. That's why I don't fuck black guys. She told me in my face. And she was black. She was from Brazil. I'll be darned. Yeah. I'll just say that Wikipedia...

And scene. What about Jewish guys? What scene. What about Jewish guys? What does he say about Jewish guys? Wait! Thank you, John. Wikipedia is not always correct, I guess. You have to take Wikipedia with a grain of salt. Ask Dr. Joe.

I wish that's why they call me on the podcasts. Joe, settle something for us, Joe. Joe, I know Joe is very reserved. Joe is, I believe, religious, I believe. Is that correct, Joe? Yeah, I'm fairly religious, yeah. He's uncomfortable talking about these things. I don't like to talk about sex in my act or anything like that.

You know, my personal life. I like to write jokes about, you know, broad topics of importance to me. So I want to apologize if you felt uncomfortable with that conversation. No, I just participate when I want to. You know, that's the nice thing about podcasts. It's like you talk when you want. Yeah. Well, you're a lot like Ryan Hamilton.

You're very, your act is very clean. You don't say, you don't talk about dirty shit. But when the rest of us do, you're happy to listen and laugh and enjoy. I can appreciate other people's dirty jokes. And I don't say, don't ever do a dirty joke. It's just not what I do. That's all. There you go. Yeah. I think if you can do that, It's just not what I do. That's all. There you go.

Yeah. I think if you can do that, that's the best thing to do. I mean, that's the hardest thing to do, right? I think so. That's true. I mean,

plenty of comedians can do both, but if you were to make dirty subject matter off limits, if I were to impose a 1970s TV code down here, we'd lose three quarters of our comedians. They wouldn't know what to do. And good comedians.

There's a stigma to dirty jokes. Like, oh, they're not creative or they're not funny. I'm like, no, there's really good dirty jokes that are really well thought out. But if you restrict it, you are cutting off a big subject matter of something that's inherently funny. And people like it.

People like it. And people like it because... Esty loves it, by the way. Really? Esty loves a good dirty joke. I kid you not. Really? I thought Esty didn't. I didn't know that. Three out of the four jokes that Esty quotes to me that you're... And do you know? It's just

an... Look, sexuality is an inherently funny topic. It's just going to be easier to get a laugh at a sexuality... Because you're not supposed to talk about it. Because it's for whatever reason. Sex is funny. Exactly. It's just a penis is funny. Well, there's a downside to it. Penis eye is even funnier. There's a downside to it, too, because Mitch Hedberg

was asked why he didn't write sex jokes, and he said, so many people do it that I would have to be the best at that. And I was like, well, that's a good point. You stand out more by not doing it. Yeah. Well, that's interesting. I mean, I always just thought Mitch just, he see, I just didn't see him as a dirty guy. You know, I just saw him as just this, this, this marvelous creature, this, this, this,

this almost mythical creature that didn't have. That's true. It would be weird with that, that persona. With that persona, it just wouldn't work at all. You know, it'd be like Stephen Wright telling dirty jokes. I mean, it was just when that kind of style. Chris Rock doesn't really tell dirty jokes so much. Very, very seldom.

Every now and then, but not much. Steve Martin never did. True. Chappelle doesn't really. No, there's not like a lot. What Chappelle joke would you say is gratuitous? It'd be hard to, I'd be hard pressed

to think of one. And Louis will talk about, you know, subjects, sexual subjects, but he's, he's very, he's really waxing philosophical

about them. He's not, he's really not, that's on another level. But I, I, you know, so it's not necessary

to become huge to, to do that stuff. Well, obviously not. But, well, we'd like to thank our dear friend. Let him promote his podcast, too. Oh, yeah. Oh, Keeping Joe on the Riotcast Network.

Check it out. So that's it. I'll be gone the next two weeks. Unfortunately, Norm, as I said, we can do another show on Monday or tomorrow, whenever you want. If you want to put one in the can. If not, you fly solo. That's up to our producer, Stephen Cole.

I do regret having to leave you, but Ray Allen needs me down in Aruba and I can't. But Adrian's going too. That's correct. Oh, that's going to be great. Thank you, Joe Mackey. You're a rare presence

on our podcast. Thank you for having me. I appreciate it. But all the more precious for your rarity. I know you're also a rare person. I have, by the way, the longest sign-offs in the business, just to prepare you.

So you might want to pack a lunch. Adrian Iapolucci, still waters run deep. What can I tell you? What can I tell you? Probably the most we've ever spoken. And I want more. Leave them wanting more, as they

always say in vaudeville. Lucy Pohl, was it? Yes, that's right. Lucy Pohl. Well, I'm sure you got made fun of for that name. But thank you for coming. Thank you for having me. Danke schön, as they say in your native German.

Hi Hitler is the name of the show. It can be seen at the Cherry Lane Theater, 38 Commerce Street, New York, New York, cherrylanetheater.org. And we look forward to seeing you performing. Thank you so much, and we'll see you

next time. Bye, everybody.