The Comedy Cellar: Live from the Table - Akeem Woods

Episode Date: May 27, 2022

Akeem is a regular at the Comedy Cellar in NYC, was a semi-finalist on Stand Up NBC, has been seen on Kevin Hart’s LOL Network and just recently made his television debut on The Late Late Show with James Corden. He is on the new season of PAUSE with Sam Jay. 

🎵 This is Live from the Table, recorded at the world-famous Comedy Cellar in New York's Greenwich Village. Coming at you on SiriusXM 99, Radha. Can I get a bark? What? And on the Laugh Button Podcast Network, formerly Riotcast, this is Dan Natterman. I'm here with Noam Dorman, the owner, the proprietor, the head cheese, the head Jew in charge of the comedy

cellar, and Perry Lashenbrand, who is our producer, and it just kind of evolved, but she has become an on-air personality, and there ain't no turning back. We also have Akeem Woods with us, who is a comedy

cellar regular, and I believe he is making his Live from the Table debut. I have not been here. So this would be your debut. This is my debut. I didn't know you guys had this up here. Very excited about it. We used to do it downstairs at the actual comics table. For some reason, we stopped.

It wasn't for some reason. It was because of COVID. Okay. Well, that's some reason. And Noam, I believe, wants to go back to us. Yeah, we just got to get some cameras down there. We'll do it. But we are up here in the studio for now,

which has its some advantages. In any case, Akeem, how long have you been here at the Cellar? It'll be a year in June. So you started during the pandemic? I got past it. No, I started doing comedy in 2008. No, I'm saying you got past it during the pandemic. Correct.

I got past it last June. I'm so excited to be here, man. I'm so excited. Everything's been wild lately. Like, the last few years have been wild. But my favorite thing about the last few years is that white people just now found out about racism. I know, I'm like, oh my God, it's been going on forever.

Like, it's been going on since you created it, but better late than never. I know white people just now found out about racism, right? Because, like, during the height of the pandemic, I was in LA, and all the comedy clubs were closed. And I had to start, like, delivering groceries. And I remember I was delivering groceries in, like, Santa Monica, and I started getting amazing tips

because white guilt. And y'all laughing. These tips were fire. I'm like, $20? What are we doing? And I'm not going to lie to y'all laughing these tips were fire i'm like 20 what are we doing like and i might go lie to y'all when i went to deliver the groceries i made sure i skipped to the door yeah so they know i'm gay and black like i need them to know yeah i'm like i'm a double minority. I'm going to need $50. And I'm not even the skipping type of gay, but $50, I skip. I'm just spinning for no reason.

Don't act surprised that I'm gay. You see this hat. Like, super gay. And you're still here because not everybody stays on the bull. Yeah, I'm still here. Knock on this next wood. What seems to be the pattern is I think Esty has a hard time, Esty the booker, saying no to people. So oftentimes she'll just say, oh, sure, you can call in and you're passed and you can work here.

And then they give their availabilities and then she just doesn't use them or she uses them but then phases them out. Esty was a hot girl in her youth, and that's the way hot girls do it a lot of the time, right? That's true. Estee's still hot. Call me, call me. Oh, I got to cancel. I'm really busy.

What percentage of comics that get passed don't last their first year? Oh, I don't know that. I don't know. Most of them last. Most of them, okay. All right, so I don't know. Most of them last. Most of them, okay. All right, so I guess it's not that big a deal. I was trying to make a big deal out of it. Only 5%.

I'm one of the 5%. And you're currently working with Sam Jay, a comedian? Yeah, I'm on the- For those of you who don't know her, Sam Jay is another comedy seller comedian. I'm on season two of her show, Pause. It comes out on May 20th. On? HBO.

Her show's great. It is a really good show. It's a sitcom? What is it? It's like a talk slash sketch show. And you're a writer or you're on air? I'm on one of the episodes. I'm not sure which one.

Oh, okay. Yeah. Okay. I wanted to talk, we sort of have a large choice of things to talk about Noam, we sort of have a large choice of things to talk about this week. But I did want to talk about the SNL cold open on Saturday night. I don't know if you saw it.

I did not see it. Periel, you saw it. I did see it. Akeem, did you see it? Who was hosting? I'm not sure who was hosting. But we're talking about the Johnny Depp-Amber. Yeah, I don't know if the host was in the cold open.

No, no, no. No, because if you told me who was hosting, I would know if I watched. Oh, I'll tell you who's hosting. Well, now I assume you're following the Johnny Depp Amber Heard trial. Anyway, the cold open was they go to, they find, they're in the courtroom and the judge is Cicely Strong. And she says, oh, we found video. I did see the court. We found video of them finding the turd, if you will, in the bed.

And then, like, Keenan plays, like, the property manager. And he's like, oh, my God. You know, it's a boom boom or whatever. And Melissa Villasenor. Melissa Villasenor is, like, the maid. And she comes in and says, oh, Dios mio. You look like the emoji. And then Chris Redd comes in

and says to Keenan, oh, you finally quit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, because he thought that he, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, because it was a funny line. Yeah, I did see it. And then, but,

you finally quit? I don't get it, you finally quit. In other words, you shit in the bed. He's accusing Keenan of shitting in the bed. Like, you finally quit.

His job as a, as a, as a property manager. Oh, I see, okay, okay. No, I thought it was obvious. I didn't get it. As their property manager. Oh, I see. Okay, okay. No, I thought it was obvious. I didn't get it. Anyhow, well, yeah, I guess out of context, maybe it's more difficult, or maybe you're just a little slow.

I'm not sure I get it, but go ahead. So Chris Redd walks in, and he says- He sees the dookie in the bed, and he says to his co-worker, Keenan, oh my God, you finally quit. Because you would have cleaned it up if you were still working? No, because he's saying, Keenan, you're shit in the bed as like a fuck you and goodbye. Okay, so we can quit.

Now the reason you get that is because you always talk about taking a shit on Letterman. I don't always talk about it. It's something I haven't addressed in the past. It's something I have addressed in the past. Well, look, everybody else seemed to get it. Okay, what the fuck do I know? I'm not a comedian. I'm just a...

You're an audience. You don't like Letterman? No. This was going back years ago. Go ahead. So we got to talk about... Just to recap, I said that I used to say that, you know, if I went on Letterman and took a shit and somebody videotaped it, it would be probably better.

Certainly, I don't know if it would be better for my career, but it would definitely be better for my notoriety than just having a really killer set. I mean, a killer set. What is the, where are you getting with this? What I'm getting at is this. So, first of all, has it been established that it was, first of all, Keenan says in the sketch,

he says, oh, she cut, he makes a reference to her cutting off Johnny Depp's finger, which she contests that she did that. She says it was him that cut it off. Wait, he's missing a finger? He cut a finger. Severed a very small piece of finger. They said that she threw a bottle of vodka.

I don't know what's true and what's not. Okay, I'm not following. Also, I don't know if she's admitted to it being her turd. Is there a word for turd that's a little more dignified? No, I read that she did admit to it. She did admit. I don't know if it's true, but I read somewhere that she did admit to pooping on the bed. Feces? Feces is like the... But feces

is the material, not the actual log. A bowel movement? No, I think feces is the thing. No, because feces can be a smear. Ew. Yeah, but it also... It'd be bagel with a smear. But it's also the whole thing too. Why wouldn't it be the whole thing? Why would it be two different words? No, you're not understanding me. Feces is like material. This chair is made of wood it's wood

okay but it's not a chair a chair but not all woods a chair but all wouldn't it's the material is the feces it can take the form of a log a smear a speck i'm gonna say you're right but i don't think you are but i'm gonna say you are just so though whereas a log is a is a is a clump of feces that you get what i'm saying so i don't know like a bowel movement might be the word for it i think that would probably be the word for it but in any case um also cicely strong says uh in the courtroom she says um we believe you johnny depp i believe your story but i i can tell that you this is not the first time a chick that you've made a chick so mad she's shitting your bed. So it seems like they're coming out on Johnny Depp's side in the cold open.

So they're getting flack for A, that, B, making light of a woman in distress talking about being abused. That's the show. They make light of everything, more or less. That's kind of the whole thing. But do they typically make light of a woman talking about being abused? I mean, I'm sure they have before. It's been on for 50 years. I don't know.

And certainly in the post-MeToo climate. I mean, we went from believe all women. To believe all women except Amber Heard. Which I never thought believe all women was valid in the first place. But it's just culturally, it seems like quite a shift um i think i think this was i think they were i think they were acknowledging that the whole the whole case was wild because they even like there was one part in the sketch where they were like it was something was one of the lawyers where i was like objection how is this valid how is this video valid and then sister's like oh it's not it's just hilarious and then they played the video anyway like, objection, how is this valid? How is this video valid?

And then Sis is like, oh, it's not. It's just hilarious. And then they played the video anyway. I think they were just making a joke. They were doing that, but I was surprised that, and I think we've lost, no, much. I don't know that we ever had him. I don't think we ever had him either, to be honest. He doesn't.

I was surprised when I saw that. I don't watch SNL, but I do watch the sketches on YouTube. But I was surprised that they that they seem to take a side in an ongoing case. And what's more a case about a woman? Because SNL is, you know, they're they're kind of politically correct. I mean, they do make light of a lot of things. I don't know if they're politically correct, but they're certainly progressive in their policy. I didn't think it didn't seem when I was watching.

I didn't see that. I didn't think they took a side really. I thought they just made just of the whole thing. I kind of saw it as them taking Johnny's side a little bit. And again, you know,

a woman that is at least alleges being abused, is this something that, to be treated lightly? I think that the criticism was is that it seems like Johnny Depp in general has

this agenda, right? Our friend Eve Barlow, by the way, was furious to bring it maybe... Who's furious? Eve Barlow. Oh, Eve Barlow, yeah. Is she dating Johnny Depp? Or dating Amber Heard? She might. Well, they hang out. Oh, you know people who know the people.

Well, we had Eve Barlow on this show. Eve is a journalist. I think she's just really good friends with Amber. And she's been on Twitter, like, ranting. Amber? Who's Amber? What do you want me to call her? Ms. Heard?

You usually refer to people by first names. Ms. Heard? Oh, that's her. That's the lady who... Amber? I didn't mishear anything. Amber? I mean, anyway, it's not. That's the lady who did it. I didn't mishear anything. Amber. I mean, anyway, not that funny, but not even sure it's funny at all.

So, okay. So, I know nothing about what you're talking about. My instrument just broke. I'm having trouble dealing with it. No, I'm just a little upset his oud broke. Yeah. Just go to the oud repair shop. There's one in every corner in this town.

Just bring it to your guy. He can fix that. I hope he can fix it. Of course he can fix it. Are you upset because this has sentimental value, the oud? Of course. Well, that's not the only reason I'm upset. I want to play it.

I'm just upset. It's an instrument, a musical instrument. Well, they break fairly frequently, musical. I mean, especially guitars and ouds. I don't know what happened up here

that somebody put pressure on. I don't fucking know. Is an oud a guitar? Is that in the same family? It's in the same family. It's like a turd and a feces. It sounds like,

it sounds Middle Eastern. When you play it, you feel like you're in the middle of a Marrakesh in a bazaar. Okay, I've never heard of it. Feecy sounds plural, but anyway, go ahead. Isn't it a Turkish instrument? Fecal matter. But again, fecal matter could be a speck.

It could be a skid mark. An underwear would be. I didn't expect there to be so much poop in this podcast. There usually isn't. There usually isn't, but there often is. Okay. It's not... It is not...

Like we talked about that time I had gastroenteritis. We also talked about... And that was addressed in any case. Also, when you were filming Crashing, you were having... That's true, but that was not on the... Did we discuss that on the show? Okay. Noam, I noticed...

If you can join us for a second. Excretia? Are you Googling... Stool? Excrement? Are you Googling synonyms for poop? But again, it's not a synonym for poop. It's a synonym for a log. A very specific

kind of poop. In other words, like a skid mark in an underwear wouldn't be a log. I think we should keep talking about this until every last person turns us off. Well, I could have said the same thing about Ukraine, but in any case, notice I know, and on a related matter to

Ukraine, I noticed there's something new with the Comedy Cellar. I don't know if you saw it in your emails. No. The Comedy Cellar talks. Oh, don't make me talk about that either. Why don't you want to talk about Comedy Cellar talks? You guys, we have a new guest

who's never been here before. I sent you these talking points. I saw it. And you didn't object. I know. So are you now lodging a formal objection? Comedy's Hard Talks is a new series being executive produced by my friend Hatem. And that's what's happening, so we'll see how it goes.

But why are you so agitated about Comedy's Hard Talks? And it's like TED Talks, right? Each episode is like four people talking for 15 minutes about something of interest. Yeah, the guests are very good. It could be great. Is this going to be like a live show?

A live show, yeah. At the VU or something? Yeah, at the VU, yeah. That sounds cool. But this sounds like right up your alley. It sounds like right up Noam's alley. What are you so grumpy about? Because, do you want to say why?

Go ahead. I thought you were still mad about your thingy. Well, it's not helping. It's because it's another thing that can go wrong. It's another thing to worry about. I don't need this. I really... I mean, Hatem is pretty responsible.

He's been doing your other podcast for years. It's not like this is like a wild card. I know. Poor guy. I hope it goes great. It is going to go great. Why wouldn't it go great? Every time you do one of these things,

there's a whole thing of people who love it. Well, you know, we'll see. Is it going to be weekly? No, it's not weekly, like monthly or something. So when I've done things, I've kind of felt that there was an audience for it. And so far I've been correct. But this is not my baby, as it were, and we'll see. I hope there's an audience for this.

It's always very hard for me to be confident about something. So, like, if you wanted to bring in, you know, some Albanian guitar player, I don't know, maybe he's going to sell the place out. But since I don't know Albanian music, it's hard for me to not be nervous about it because I have no feel for it. So he's bringing in these speakers.

I have no feel for it. But the worst case scenario is people don't come. I mean, you've had, look, I've been a part of shows that didn't get huge turnouts. No. When was the last time you saw that? I don't know. Maybe one of Just Gals' things years ago.

No, even JustGals' things have had a pretty good turnout. Okay, so what's the worst case scenario? It's a dog. Yeah, that's a huge worst case scenario. But why is that? I mean... Because if there's a flop, it attaches to me. You know, it's not going to attach to Hot Temp.

It's going to attach to me. And I'll be like, you know, trying to make, this is not really my flop. But no, you think people are going to care? I mean. I care. Like Netflix has flops, you know, and they have successes. And HBO has flops and they have successes. That's the nature of the beast.

I'm the guy who was out there just making fun of CNN+. What fucking idiots. Why would they put on this dumb network? Didn't they know nobody wants to see? Has no interest in this. And then if my thing flops, it's like, oh, didn't he know? I don't think anyone's going to be. I don't think anyone's going to put two and two together, Noam.

Do you think people are even going to notice if nobody shows up to one show out of 80 billion shows a week that you have here? No. I'm not even sure who was on the first show. But I know that Mike Peska is doing well at a show, and he's terrific. So that should be good. I think you're just looking for things to stress out about. It's going to be good. It should be good, yeah.

It may not be good, but my point is that even if it isn't good, no one's going to even notice. There's 80 trillion shows. I've been to New Joke Night and sometimes there's nobody there. I mean, not every show is... Nobody told me that. Okay.

Not every show... New Joke Night is canceled. Can we just pause? I want to text Will. I mean, Adam, do you go to New Joke? I mean, it's not a full house every damn night. I'm doing New Joke Night tonight, actually. It's not a full house every night, is it?

It's usually productive. It's pretty full, Dan. It's pretty productive. But listen... But you do a lot of shows here. Not all of them are fucking... To be honest, it's just that... Really, more than anything, I'm sure

it'll sell out. It's just that it's just another thing for me to worry about. That's all. Okay. And I don't need more things to worry about. Yeah, but you're worried about it based on the possibility that it's not going to be successful, but I'm telling you, not that you're listening, or not

that I'm your therapist, but so what? I mean, but you're because this is a pattern with you. You're just very stuck on the idea that you never fail. This is very therapeutic. Outside of this does look like therapy session. Well, I do have a certain way of putting people at ease and of getting to the core of the matter. After 50 years of therapy, he's gotten in the rhythm of it.

No, I noticed this with you. You don't want to fail. Every businessman has faced failure, pretty much. But you have this notion that if you fail, it's a calamity. You were saying this when you were opening up the room in Vegas. What if it doesn't work? I don't want a failure on my resume. What if the TV show on Comedy Central doesn't work?

I'll have a failure on my resume. Don't you know that every great man has had failures on their resume? Barack Obama hasn't. Well, during his presidency, it wasn't all home runs. There's no real failure. Wasn't that like sort of like a... And also, he's not a businessman. Businessmen always have failures.

But wasn't there like a... Look at the Ford Edsel. I don't know what that is. Is that a Ford Edsel? Yeah, the Ford Edsel. It was like... Edsel was Ford. I realized Edsel was Ford.

I know Edsel was a failure. Yeah, the Edsel was a Ford, a model of car that was a notorious flop. It's almost synonymous with flop. I mean, it's... I will believe you. I don't know anything about cars. Sorry. I don't know anything about cars or feces.

I mean, yeah. Two for two. Okay. Buffalo. Yeah, let's lighten things up and talk about... Well, unfortunately, we don't have commercials, so the transitions can be a little rough. I'm aware of Buffalo.

Go ahead. What about Buffalo? Well, Buffalo, I believe the death toll is up to 10 people. Yes. Their white supremacist ran amok, and they caught him alive. He didn't kill himself. Well, they should have killed him. Well, didn't they shoot him?

He's wearing a flak jacket. No, a security guard shot him and then he killed the security guard cause he had like a like bulletproof vest yeah like a fleece or a Kevlar or something like that

yeah so he went on a rampage in a black neighborhood because he's a white supremacist he drove 200 miles apparently to get to a black neighborhood yeah

from where his town which is in like central southern New York it looks to me like on the border of Pennsylvania. And he went all the way to Buffalo.

Apparently. In western New York. There was a video. Well, there is a video. Not apparently. I saw the video. D.L. Hughley shared it. He was walking through, I think, the store or whatever.

And he was with the gun. And he was pointing at people. And then he pointed at a white dude. And then he noticed the dude was white. The dude was screaming. And he's like, oh, I'm sorry. And then he just kept walking. Because he saw the white dude. and he's like, oh, I'm sorry. And then he just kept walking. Because you saw the white dude was like, oh, my bad.

I wasn't trying to kill you. Oh, I didn't see that. And then he kept walking, which is terrifying because now that's like, it's good you didn't shoot that person. That's great for him, but what if that was a black person? Or what if it was a Hispanic person? It brings home the nature of the act.

So insidious. I don't think that's the word you mean, but go ahead. But the question is, and of course this happens with horrifying regularity in this country. It doesn't happen anywhere else with this kind of regularity. And it's often, white supremacy often seems to be, it's a theme, it's not the only theme in mass shootings. There are other themes, the theme of the loner at school, the theme of a disgruntled employee.

But one of the themes that does seem to come up is white supremacy. So where do we attack the problem? Do we attack it at the level of white supremacy, at the level of gun control, at the level of mental health? I don't think we're ever going to get gun control. Unfortunately. I know that's not a positive thing to say, but like, so many times, this has happened so many times, and then people are like, gun control, gun control. Like, yeah, we're going to do it. And then we never do it.

That's a saying, yeah. I mean, if we didn't do it after 20 kids were killed, however many, I remember it was, in Newtown, Connecticut, I think it's... It's safe to say that... it's safe to say that that's not going to change. Unfortunately, yeah. I mean, it'll just have to be a huge tragedy for it to change. And I don't know what's more of a tragedy than all those kids getting killed.

But whatever the next level of tragedy is, it'll have to be that. And then they'll be like, oh, dang, maybe we got a gun problem. I don't know that there's a level possible that, you know, that any level, I mean, there was, you know, that shooting in Vegas. Yeah, there's been a lot. You know, there's hundreds of people. There have been 190. It wasn't white supremacists, but the numbers were so absurd.

Well, I downloaded the manifesto. I mean, it's unbelievable that, first of all, it's a big, long piece of work with research and footnotes and whatever it is. These crazy people, it's like they... It's a lot of effort to write a manifesto.

It's just interesting to me. It's not like a scrawled note. It's a whole research thing. It's not like a scrawled note. It's a whole research thing. It bothered me that I couldn't find... You can't easily download the manifesto online. What, the one that this kid wrote? The kid from Buffalo, yeah.

That bothers me. I guess I understand why they do it, but it just bothers me that the newspapers will write about it and they'll quote from it like they have access to it somehow, but that somehow in a free country the masses are not supposed to get that. What's the gist of the manifesto?

It's like blaming the Jews. Mostly blaming the Jews for it's a replacement theory. Blaming the Jews as someone pointed out he uses all caps anytime he's talking about the Jews. The Jews are actually the big number one villain. Were there Jewish people at this place that he knew? No.

I guess he didn't know where the Jews go shop. I don't know. But blaming the Jews for being behind the agenda of ushering a non-white America. I'd say that's essentially it. I didn't read. I haven't really sat down to read a lot, but just skipping around. I mean, it is what it is. And you found the argument convincing.

How old was he? It's kind of like Tucker Carlson meets Al Jazeera or something. You know, it's like, and... He was 18? He was 18, wasn't he, Dan and he was 18. He was 18, wasn't he, Dan? He was 18.

How do you get a gun at 18? Well, I mean, that's the problem, I guess. And, you know, he's probably crazy in some way, but also the crazy people seem to mirror the crazy mirror the bad shit that they hear. They seem to be sane enough to understand what's being said, and then it sends them over the edge. I don't know what the answer is. I don't think that people should not be allowed to talk about certain things.

I don't know what to say about it. It's just too horrible, so I don't know what to say about it. You do have to say goodbye to our dear friend. You're a good guest. Thank you so much. Yeah, and I just too horrible, so I don't know what to say about it. You do have to say goodbye to our dear friend Akeem Woods. You're a good guest. Thank you so much. Yeah, and I sponsor five things, so I have to go. Go ahead. And if there's anything you want to plug or your Twitter.

Akeemwoods.com has all my tour dates. I'm in Indianapolis featuring for Godfrey at Helium this weekend. The weekend after were West Nyack. And then I'm in Orlando the first week of June back headlining my home club, Orlando Improv, June 2nd. Take it easy, man. Bye, Akeem. Okay, thank you,, June 2nd. Take it easy, man. Yes. Bye, Akeem.

Okay, thank you, Akeem Woods. He's making his debut. Hopefully not the last time he's on, but I don't know if he... Yeah, come again. We have more to talk about. He wants to come back. I don't know.

Maybe it's not what he expected, probably. I think we should either talk about the heavy girl on Sports Illustrated... Okay, talk about heavy girl on Sports Illustrated. ...or wrap it up and talk about the heavy gal another time. I gotta go. Talk about the heavy girl on Sports Illustrated.

Well, I think we've done enough time. Do you want to talk about the heavy gal? Yeah, I just think... Talk about the heavy gal another time. I got to go. Talk about the heavy girl. Well, I think we've done enough time. Do you want to talk about the heavy gal? Yeah. I just think the talk about the heavy girl. Yeah. Sports Illustrated. Well, there's a heavy girl on the cover of Sports Illustrated. She's she's I think she's the first plus size Sports Illustrated cover girl.

As far as I know, her name is Yumi. She's half Japanese, half white. So. So there you go. Yumi Nu. Yumi, she's half Japanese, half white. So there you go. Yumi Nu. Yumi Nu. I assume it's Yumi and not yummy. But there's a picture of her here, as I sent to you, Noam.

Can you bring it up, Nicole, or whatever? It doesn't matter. Google Sports Illustrated. I don't understand that either. So Jordan Peterson, who's hung out here one night, do you ever try to get him on the show, Perry? Here she is.

What did he say about it? He said this is not, I'm sorry, let me just get this. Jordan Peterson said, sorry, not beautiful and no amount of authoritarian tolerance is going to change that. That's what Jordan Peterson has said about this lovely...

That's harsh. I wouldn't go that far. Albeit amply sized young lady on the cover of Sports Illustrated. She's certainly not ugly, and I think that bathing suit is actually not flattering to her. I think she could look hotter. But to me, it's kind of absurd that she's on the cover of Sports Illustrated's swimsuit edition, because that's just a political agenda. It's as if I said

in the comedy cellar, you know, we're going to put on the funniest comics, and we also have to give a chance to the comics who aren't as traditionally funny. We're just going to open it up to all different types of funny people, even if it's not what people think is funny. I have to ask, Nicole, you feel free to not engage, but what do you feel about this woman on the cover of Sports Illustrated?

I didn't really know about this, but I still would argue that she's hot. She's kind of hot. Look, I think if you don't, any guy normally constituted would absolutely hit that, if I may use that term. Damn. Go ahead, go ahead. And I certainly wouldn't. I say yes, please, and I'll ask for seconds. There's certainly, and if I can't finish, I'll take it to go.

But that said, I hear what Noam's saying. If the goal of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue is to have the most beautiful bodies on their cover, just like Noam, the analogy made with the seller, the goal of the seller not always achieved, not always achieved, but the goal is to have the funniest people on.

And there's certainly room for different kinds of humor and different kinds of, you know, the analogy's not a perfect one because there are different kinds of humor, and there are different kinds of humor and different kinds of, you know, the analogy is not a perfect one because there are different kinds of humor, and there are different kinds of beauty, but plus, I don't know. It is a political agenda. It's a political agenda.

It's fine. Listen, why do I give a shit? They can do what they want with their magazine. I'm not, I would never tweet angrily about it. It's just, it's a political agenda. And let's see how many magazines they sell. I suspect they're going to sell far fewer than they have on previous issues. So, Nicole, you say she's hot and she is. Do you think she'd be hotter with a classically perfect body?

I don't know. I mean, I can't say. I've seen a million of those girls, and I think they're all fantastic. But I don't know. Is Nicole coming out, by the way, on our show? Do we have an exclusive? No. Are you coming out as bisexual on our show?

No, I'm not. But I recognize a hot woman when I see one. She is pretty. There's no question. She reminds me of a bartender we used to have. I don't want to say her name. Personally, I'm at the point in my life where I might take that over the perfect body. Because I'm getting freaky in my old age.

Okay, listen. That's a pretty woman. I can't. First of all, she's. But that is not what I think of when I think of Sports Illustrated swimsuit. So if it was a different, if it was like Vogue or something, you wouldn't. No, I would say that they're doing that. They're doing that because they they're trying to they're trying to promote the idea that that women in all shapes and sizes are beautiful.

What's the term for body? Body positive. Body positive. OK, but and body positive is fine, but maybe the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue is certainly not the place you would think... It's up to them. It's up to them. It's up to them. Okay, but the quote-unquote,

what you're referring to is the traditionally beautiful female figure. I mean, I think his... The traditionally beautiful female figure has some basis, some biological basis to it. No, if you go back to other cultures and you look at like Botticelli

and paintings from Europe, I mean, women were not stick... Rubens. Stick thin with like borderline anorexic. Not necessarily stick thin, but you'd look... Yes. No, Kim Kardashian is a current... That's a completely new phenomenon.

But this woman is also not even... Listen, if you think they picked her, if you think they looked at like 20 photographs and said, let's pick the hottest, and they said, well, she's the hottest one, I think that's probably not the case. But I'm fine with it if they did. I'm fine with it if they didn't, but

all I'm saying is that I... Who do you think is making these kinds of decisions about what women are hot and what kinds of bodies are considered... I'm saying that given the various competitors for this slot on the cover of Sports Illustrated, I suspect the reason she was chosen was not

because any kind of majority of people thought she was actually the prettiest girl, although she's quite beautiful. Yeah, I mean, she's gorgeous. But it's because I think they wanted to be associated with a political point of view. Fine. That's all I'm saying.

Okay, so I'm sure that this was a conscious decision to embrace another body type, which historically has been rail thin, right? I mean, that's... I don't know. Men have always liked women with... Marilyn Monroe was not rail thin. She was an outlier also.

I mean, Gisele Bundchen. Jane Mansfield. Gisele Bundchen. But in the modern era, people have all, you know, Gisele Bundchen. All the Victoria's Secret models tend to be buxom, curvy ladies.

Buxom and curvy has never been out of style. Twiggy and these kinds of women have come and gone, Kate Moss, but the buxom body has never been out of style. But this is not Giselle. This is something that has never been I'm not saying it's never been in style, but

Hollywood, it's never been at least in the past hundred years, a cover girl has never looked like that. You're illustrating my point, though. Look, maybe it's good. As Noam would say, better than I can. Like, who do you think is making these decisions about what bodies are worth celebrating?

Men. We can end there. But even... Straight? But women also comment on each other's bodies, Men. We can end there. But even straight. But women also comment on each other's bodies. And generally, women are not saying that this is the ideal body. I don't think.

But this is a sports illustrated swimsuit edition, which I take to be as geared to men as Ebony magazine is geared towards black people. It's like, yes, you could put who's to say that black people shouldn't find the white model on the cover of Ebony to be, why should their standard of beauty be the beautiful black woman? Yeah, I get it, you're right. But I'm just saying that there's, the only reason Ebony would put the white woman on the cover

is because Ebony was trying to make a point about race or whatever it is, which is fine. But let's not pretend they actually think that their readers are most interested in the white woman on the cover. I just think that what Jordan Peterson said is disgusting and he should be ashamed of himself. I don't like what he said at all.

It's really, really disgusting. You know, I don't like that. It's like, who the hell fucking Jordan Peterson He's certainly entitled to his opinion about who he finds beautiful. He can be a little more diplomatic about it. It's not nice. It's not nice, but this is just all part of the same coarseness of America.

It's just, yeah, it's what we become. Anyway, congratulations to you. We love you. You're probably not going to hear this, but I would do you not that that gets you anywhere. I think it's really important. I really do. I think hear this, but I would do you not that that gets you anywhere.

I think it's really important. I really do. I think that this and you guys are going to make fun of me. And you should be particularly, you know, on board with this because you have a daughter. And I think it's really important for girls to see representations of bodies that aren't rail thin because it's not realistic. And like the percentage of women. I actually agree with you because I worry about Mila seeing these kind of these TikTok videos. You should worry about it.

But, you know, but that we can't change the reality. Look, when I see a guy with a six pack abs, yeah, he's got a better body than I do. What am I going to do? No, Dan. That's a great point. Like imagine, imagine like they put Dan on the cover. It's like, well, yeah, they put me on the cover of men's fitness or whatever it is. Yeah, I don't have a good body.

I don't have six packs. No, Dan, you don't have a traditionally good body. You don't have the traditional vision of male beauty. Now, because women are judged on their beauty, it becomes a lot more toxic and a lot more dangerous. But that is exactly right, isn't it? There you go. You guys are really starting to learn something around here.

I'm earning my keep. But if you're going to have a magazine that's devoted to female physical perfection... But what is female physical perfection? And who's making those decisions? And why do little girls need to see one body type? And if you don't have that body type, then your

body is not worth celebrating. Well, then maybe they should get rid of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue. No, maybe this is a very good solution. This is a very good thing. We'll see if it has any impact. No one wants to know how many magazines we're going to sell. I mean, it's not a fair question because they don't sell many magazines anymore anyways.

It's probably just online. I actually will go one step further. And I think that a lot of men probably think that she's gorgeous and that she looks great. No doubt they do. But would they think that her with a more traditionally perfect body would be even better? That's the question. And maybe I'd be surprised by the answer.

I, for one, am starting to get into it. You know, you should see my Google searches. They include the words chubby. They might include the word toothless. I'm getting into weird shit as I get older. Why is it weird, then? Toothless? Really? No, but now that I think of it, maybe I should investigate.

You know, there's something about non-traditional that's starting to appeal to me. But I think that the point here is that she's not non-traditional. This body type is way more representative of most women. Non-traditional in terms of what we think of as the perfect female body. Like, how many girls do you see every day that look like Giselle? Peril, the point is that... I see a lot of girls that look, that have, like, traditionally excellent bodies. You would imagine.

Online? In your Google searches? And people I know personally that post pictures of themselves on Instagram, which I don't think is healthy, but they do it in bikinis or tight clothing because they're trying to get likes, which I think is another discussion. It's an interesting discussion. Go. She's pretty. And you would imagine

that you would have a top 0.1% example of whatever it is that they want to pick for the Sports Illustrated. I don't mean, by the way, totally toothless, but maybe missing a tooth might be hot. I'll try it. For the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. This is a beautiful woman.

I had a bartender who looked very much like her, and everybody thought she was beautiful. But you don't want to say her name. I don't want to say her name. Dan knows what I mean. I actually, I probably, oh yeah, oh yeah,

oh she, yes, I remember her and she was that body type, probably bigger. Approximately the same body type and she was super hot and sexy as hell

so nobody said that body type was that attractive but it would surprise me if she wound up on the cover of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. you know,

like, just to be clear, I don't care about this. I don't like what Jordan Pearson said, and I don't care if they want to use their magazine for an agenda. And she is beautiful. Well, good. I'm glad you say that. You know, but

it seems to me if they really want to sell magazines they would they would have a you know more traditionally beautiful but i don't know maybe not maybe let's see how it works this has been live from the table we have covered a diverse range of topics from amber heard allegedly shitting in a bed to white supremacy to sports illustrated the swimsuit issue chock full of interesting discussion I thought this was a good episode thank you Noam who did the heavy lifting Perry L Ashen

brand and of course our magician of sound our wizard of audio, Nicole Lyons, who comes to us from, I think, Ohio. No. Binghamton. Binghamton, upstate New York. We thank her. And we'll see you next time on Live from the Table. For questions, concerns.

For questions, concerns. But we're not getting, you know, maybe we should say that at the beginning we should because people don't seem to be writing in but podcast at comedyseller.com for questions concerns comments and constructive criticism

and where can they find you on Instagram they can find me on Instagram exactly right at oh sorry at Dan Natterman D-A-N-N-A-T-U-R-M-A-N on across the social media.

Thank you so much. We'll see you next time.