The Comedy Cellar: Live from the Table - Ariel Elias and Danny Cohen

Episode Date: October 21, 2022

Ariel Elias is a Jewish comedian from Kentucky who recently went viral when a heckler threw a beer can thrown at her while she was on stage. She is regular at The Comedy Cellar.  Danny Cohen is a veteran stand up comedian and a regular at The Comedy Cellar. 

Hi, everybody. Welcome to Live from theman, the owner of the world famous comedy cellar. I am generally not the one to do these introductions and now you know why. Welcome to the show, everybody. I am joined by my dear friend and one of my favorite comedians and also I think my first comedian friend at the Cellar, Danny Cohen. Hi, it's so good to be here. It's so good to be here. I like it just us.

I feel like this is our own show now. We can just hijack and lose our minds. This is it. The guys aren't coming back. Nope, nope. And we've got Ariel here, so it's going to be even more fun. Sorry to intrude. No, we, um, and we also, we also have, um, Ariel, it's Ariel, Ariel Elias, um,

who was described by the New York times. And also we discussed that length not that long ago as a quote unquote, sly young comic from Kentucky. A local comedian says her hands were shaking when an audience member threw a beer at her over the weekend, but somehow she didn't show it. CBS 2's Allie Bauman sat down with a comedian who shared how she stayed cool to handle that heckler. I'm so insecure. I went and got an IV. This is how Saturday night ended for comedian Ar Ariel Elias with someone throwing a full can of beer at her during a set.

She picks it up and chugs it to roaring applause. My favorite sort of thing is that I finally figured out that it's Ariel. You have a whole thing about this and not Ariel. Right. Yeah. And I said Ariel, right? Because I say a lot. Well, no, I mean, your name is.

But it's Ariel. It's so complicated. It's such a, because I, you know, my parents are from New Jersey. And so they do the ah, that sound. But I grew up in Kentucky. Nobody can do that sound. They do the air usually. So.

And does anybody call you Ari for short? No, like one person. Maybe if I, if I had realized it's such a cool, that's such a cool nickname, Ari. And I never, when I went, I would have missed opportunity when I went to college. It's not too late. All right. Hey, how's it going? Anyway, I'm sure this topic has been like done to death and I'm sure you're sick of talking about it. But I don't know that our listeners have heard any of this story before. Maybe they have because it's been everywhere. But you recently got a beer can chugged at you. Sure. So I was doing a show in New Jersey.

Wait, how sick of you were telling me. Like, are you sick of this? She was just like, record. I do the abridged version so we could just fill everything. I can do it. My eyes will roll back and not just hit play. Did a show. It was going fine. I got into a back and forth with a heckler um where she asked me if i voted for donald trump and i said what do you think and then we got into it a little bit i

thought it was done and then her husband threw a um a hard seltzer at me and uh it missed it hit right next to me right next to my head and then i picked it up and i drank it because it was it was almost full yeah I think it was well because that club is BYOB so I think it was unopened right oh wow it was heavy like when it smashed at the wall I'm like oh my god he could have like hurt her it wasn't even like I had a throw an empty can thrown at me like 25 years ago you know before social media but it was an empty can I'm so sorry yeah and it sort of just like landed on the stage sort of like bounced like you know just no non-threatening but like also like what are you

doing throwing a can at me but that was scary that was crazy so first a hero heroic it was a rock star i mean rock star move it was a total. So first of all, what really I loved was that the person said to you, you're like, why do you think that when they're like you voted for Biden? Because I can tell by your jokes and you said this was amazing. Yeah, well, I can tell that you voted for Donald Trump because you're still talking and nobody wants you to. Yeah. Which was fucking killer. And you got a lot of crowd support, which was surprising because it was a very conservative crowd. Like a lot of people in that room voted for Donald Trump. But I think nobody wanted nobody wanted to talk about it. Right. And you also weren't doing like anything about that. Like, no, I wasn't talking about politicians. I never really do. I was talking about birth control and access to it and what I use, which now is like very political,

even though it shouldn't be right. Like our, our body should not be political, but, but they are. So I guess in that sense, I was talking about something political. Cause you're a baby killer. Yeah, because I have an IUD. How dare I? So and then what happened after that? So you thought that it was did you think it was like over? Like it was a heckler? I mean, that happens, Danny. I thought you would be a great person to talk to because you have had all sorts of things.

Well, is this the first time you've been heckled before? Totally. Right. Yeah. Is this the first time anybody threw anything heckled before have totally right yeah is this the first time anybody threw anything at you at stage yes do you do you ever are you ever concerned about that did that ever cross your mind like of getting shot on stage or someone throwing a chair at you I think every room I go into it's like what's the exit in case somebody wants you know like I for a long time I

couldn't go to movies because I would have panic attacks thinking like there's going to be an active shooter. Right. But otherwise, not like more than normal in an enclosed space. But you clock the room. I mean, you're on a stage and you guys have been doing this much longer than I have. But you're on a stage like you want to know what your situation, what your exit might be. Right. Yeah. Well, it depends on the club. Like, you know, when I'm at the cellar, it's a police room. I never have any I'm not worried about anything like that happening at the cell. It doesn't even cross my mind. But if you're, you know, you know, going around middle America or anywhere out of outside of the cosmopolitan cities where, you know, nothing is policed and people are doing whatever they want to do and they want to have fun and they think that they're part of the show. They write that it's going to be exciting

or or that, you know, I don't know. They want to take things in their own hand. Right. Right. I mean, I don't know what people are thinking. I mean, I think that's so insane what he did. And it's shocking. It was also shocking that is our I want to know more about this couple. Yeah, I'm happily married couple. Does she hate him secretly? Were they trashed? They were so trashed, but I think I mean it really is one of those moments

of like there's somebody for everybody. They were on the same page, you know, were they she started the fight and he finished it right? Like that's. Now the sellers are. That's kind of beautiful. Right.

Yeah. That's amazing. Good for you guys. Romance isn't dead, you guys. It's just different. Yeah. Yeah. That's great.

Yeah. Because that was my question. I'm like, who's the couple? Like, who are these people? How old were they? I'm assuming they were white. I don't know why. Well, everybody in that club was white.

I don't know how old they were, but I know they were there for a 30't know why. Well, everybody in that club was white. They I don't know how old they were, but I know they were there for a 30th birthday party. OK, so I assume everybody was around that. They were also there for a Mexico themed birthday. Oh, no. So all of the women were wearing fake mustaches, you know, like how they do in Mexico. And they had brought sombreros that the club right now, but the club owner put his foot down and he said, no, no. We have rules in this place. You can't wear hats.

This is a classy establishment. No hats. How old were they around? I think they were all somewhere in their late 20s, early 30s. Was there security in the room? No, never. Just the club owner and two very sassy waitresses who I do think would have gone to blows for me. So what happened after how many people were in the room? Was it full? It was like it's not a big club.

Have you been there? Where was it? It was in South Jersey. I don't want to say the name. OK, they've gotten enough publicity. They've gotten enough press off of me. Yeah. But it was in South Jersey on the on the shore. Okay. I guess there were probably like 50 people there. It was it was full, not sold out. It's a pretty small room. Okay. They were sitting in the back and they were like a party of like, I don't know, 15 or 20. To begin with. I know. They're also like half the room. Right, right, right.

And they like thought that they were smart and funny and. Man, I don't know. Like we got there at around 745 for a nine o'clock show, and they were already there. The club is BYOB. So they were already, they were already pretty drunk. I actually took a little video before the show started of them, and you can see one girl is just passed out.

Oh, that's amazing. Yeah. OK, so they throw the beer can. And then what happened? Did you please tell me they got kicked out of the show? They walked out. They supposedly I've heard different stories. OK. Of whether or not the woman who was heckling had been thrown out or just

left. And then her husband or boyfriend threw the can and then he just walked out. You can see it on the video. He's just like walking. I would I would think that they would walk out. It's like you throw and then you walk, you know, throw and then sit there. Next joke. Yeah. Because you have to leave. You were opening or featuring featuring for Gian featuring, yeah. For Gianmarco Serazzi. Right. Another seller reg. So then he had to get, like, was that towards the end of your sack? Because then Gianmarco had to go up.

I had another five minutes, which I did. You're such, you're so good. I mean, time is time, you know? Stage time. Maybe we don't take it for granted. Also, I've said this a few times already, but my, I sell stickers when I, when I do the road and one of my stickers, my best selling one is based on my closer.

So I felt like I still had to do the closer in order to get them to buy the sticker. And I felt like they would buy extra stickers because maybe they would feel bad for me. That's a good Jew. I do pay whatever you want. So I was like, I think some $20 bills are coming my way. You come

out with new stickers since then? I haven't yet, but I want to make koozies. I feel like I have to make. Oh, that's so good. What would you do? I mean, that makes the most sense. I kind of want to do like an image of me chugging the beer with like the world on fire behind me. It's good. We'll see. I like it.

So there's no way in the world that you thought after this, like you were there, you guys finished the show that this was going to go like absolutely fucking ape shit bananas. No, no, no. I figured it would get me like a few hundred more followers. I didn't know that it was going to be what it was. It's so sick the way we think. Well, immediately I was just like, think that's going to make a great clip. That was my first thought.

And then in the car on the way home, I was like, I know this is a little fucked up, but like, I feel like like a real road comic now. You know what I mean? Like I've been doing the road for a long time now, but this was the first where I was like, great, I fucking have a story now. Like getting mugged on the subway. Exactly. I'm finally a New Yorker.

Right. The first time a guy shows you his dick on the subway. Yeah. You didn't ask for it. You're like, I live here. Yeah. This is my address. What are the top like three things that are great that came out of this that, you know, I'm doing Kimmel on Monday. Oh, my God. That's pretty great. That's awesome. Very exciting.

I've been trying to get on late night for a couple of years now. I got like a bunch of followers so i think i can no longer i don't think i have to feature anymore i think i can headline reliably that's awesome and uh that's great those two things are phenomenal right there i met sherry shepherd i was on her show that was pretty cool okay great that's awesome i don't have to lie about my credits anymore. Now. I think that's whenever people are like, what do I say for you? I just go like, I don't know. I say comedy central. It's not true. I've never been on comedy anymore. That's amazing. Now I really wonder where this couple is. Like, I would love to have a sit down with them invite them over for Thanksgiving no but just be like you know now you guys are sober and also thank you right yes right

and what do you have to say for your I mean like that's such abhorrent behavior right like what kind of bullshit is that what have you gotten thrown at you? Yeah, I mean. You know, these things can happen. People are crazy and they'll do anything they want. So, yeah, I mean, you know. What did you do when somebody threw a can at you? The empty can. I called me a faggot and then threw a can at me. And then I was like, oh, boy, this is going to be a great show. Beginning of your set. Nobody laughed. show. At the beginning of your set? Nobody laughed.

It was in the beginning of my set. And it just, you know, the whole audience just, they just shut down. It just destroyed the room. And I knew this. I'm like, oh, so you're going to let a can and, you know, you know, him calling me a faggot to really shut you guys down. And then I tried getting them back,

but I just sort of bombed away. i was also featured with middling so i just did as best as i could and then i got off stage and that was it do you remember where you were what club it was it was i'm gonna say it was uh it was for some reason i don't know if it was bananas in Poughkeepsie. I love that name. But but it was something like that. OK. Yeah. It was in those just like 20, really 25 years ago. Yeah.

Maybe we could reenact it and put it on social media. Yeah. I'll retweet it. Hers is much better. Honestly, a full can of beer and then chugging it. I mean, mine was just an empty can. It was just unventful. It was a gift.

It was a gift. It would have been a whole different it would have been a whole different ball game if it hit you. No, no, no. If it had hit me, I mean, it goes from like a cool clip to post to like evidence. Right. Right right like that's the difference right and i don't think you would have gotten kimmel if you um do you think no i

think i don't i don't think i would have been able to like form words if i had gotten hit in the head right it would have been like i don't know shock i mean no you could really get hurt i mean you could have gotten hurt anyway hold on hold on do you think that if you got hit you think you could have gotten the tonight show i think maybe if ellen still had her show right i've gotten on ellen you could have even gotten on oprah if you got a hit in the face oh especially if i was like permanently damaged yeah my god paralyzed you'd have gotten a special i would have i would have, I would have. Yeah. They would have arranged it. Damn it. Okay.

Wait. So then what happened? So at what point did you realize that this had gone like totally insanely viral? Um, I think when, when Whitney Cummings DM to me and was like, call me and then gave me her phone number. I was like, OK, thanks. This is a little crazy. Thanks.

I'll take it off. And then I got like, well, first I got. Well, you posted the clip, right? I posted the clip. And then like you. And then I went about my day. Right. And then I mean, it didn't take long.

Like it really it was like 45 minutes later. And suddenly you're like. And my husband was just like, what the fuck is happening? And then I was getting emails. I'm not wrapped. So I was just fielding all the emails. You weren't anyway. I'm still not, but she does have meetings set up.

But I got an email from BuzzFeed about it. And I was like, okay, pretty cool. And then I got an email from Rolling Stone. And I was like, okay, pretty cool. And then I got an email from Rolling Stone and I was like, okay, pretty cool. And then I got an email from CNN and I was like, okay, okay. You're like, hello, this is Ms. Elias's assistant. How can I help you? Yeah. Wow. And what was your life before all of this? Like the day before yesterday. What was like, you you know what was going through your mind in the comedy world in your life in the comedy world before this um i think a lot that was going

through my mind was like gosh i hope estee likes me you know like man like just trying to fill out my calendar starting the headline trying to figure out like that balance of I need to work on 45 minutes but I also need to make money and that's very hard to do at the same time in the beginning um you know I'd like to record an album in the spring like that's like on my goal sheet right right um so yeah I I had to check off a lot of things on my goal sheet this week which was very nice that's wonderful yeah yeah um so i i don't know it's like i've been working for a while like i've been you know yeah you've been working for oh especially given how old you are which is pretty young 33 it's like youngish young this is a really beautiful

thing that happened yeah it's it really is It happened at a really great time in your career, you know, because you really, you're working hard. You're really pushing forward. You're trying to get to the next step. And then this happens and the next step is given to you. Right. And how beautiful is that? That's great. Yeah. Especially now where like, you know, what's your social media following is like everything for getting booked, which is, we talked about this last time. Yeah, the most annoying thing. I think last time, too, I was like, I don't even know how to do it. And it turns out you just have to get something thrown at you. Right, right.

You know, it's just but it's so interesting, right? It's a great story. And it happens a lot and we don't realize it. But bad things were things that seem like a real slap or a real. I mean, this was really quick. Like you didn't really get hurt. It was just shocking. You were very, also you were really rock and roll about it.

You chugged it. It was great, you know, and all that. But, you know, even when things do hurt you like really bad, you know, sometimes it's great. I remember someone got, had a friend of mine that fell down the stairs and had to get x but she was fine but then had to get x-rayed and then they found cancer and they would have never found but it was on stage two they would have never found it had she not pulled down the stairs so it's also like all of comedy we're all constantly taking our traumas and like the terrible things that have happened to us and turning it into comedy right like right like that's what we do listen a beer can could not have been thrown at a nicer person i don't think that's true but i appreciate it a lot so nice so what else

um what else well what's going on with you? You were, yeah, you were. Nothing. I'm back. I'm still waiting tables. That's fine. There's nothing wrong with that. The grind, the breakfast and lunch shift, 5 a.m. Times Square. It's nauseating. Back on the subways, back and forth. Brooklyn, Times Square, back to Brooklyn, back to the cellar back and forth back like I yeah the MetroCard MetroCard MetroCard you don't do tap to pay you're not on that board yet I'm not on that board yet no someone I was talking to my friends like don't do it don't do it I'm like okay because if it doesn't go through or sometimes they double they double tap you they double scam you I'm like I have one friend who's really paranoid and told me not to do it because she got charged four times double paid i'm like oh okay so i don't

understand what that's all about you you have metro card or do you i'm tapping she has a driver now i should i should move to tapping i should do it i have a metro card you don't tap we should tap i don't want to tap i like my metro card get it. I just kept having a thing where my metric every now and then it would just like deactivate for no reason. Really? Yeah. And I would swipe it and they would tell me there was nothing I could do about it. I would have like thirty dollars on it or whatever. And I mean, I was getting like a monthly unlimited. That's what I do. That feels scandalous. Right. That happened to me a couple of times. So really, it balances that I should get tap because the new thing I mentioned. I if you're I mean, I would like to talk a little bit about the script that you wrote. OK.

Because I feel like that's sort of part and parcel of what we're talking about, like we're sort of grinding away and hoping and I mean, I think part of it is you have to show up and do the work, right? Mm hmm. But also so Danny wrote a movie script. Can I don't, I don't want to, is there anything I can't say? You don't care. Okay.

So whatever you want, he wrote an amazing script called Danny boy, which I read. I couldn't put it down. Thank you. I appreciate that. It's so funny and it's poignant and can say what it's about a little bit. Um,

it's about childhood wounds. It's about, it's a, it's aignant and can say what it's about a little bit um it's about childhood wounds it's about it's a it's a based on my life and uh growing up without a dad losing a dad when i was i was five years old and i grew up with some wounds and i'm stuck with them you know as an adult we carry things from our childhood and if if, and sometimes it's so subtle, sometimes we don't realize that that's, what's really holding us back. We're in our, we're in our own way. We're on, right. And you like, and you don't understand why. And so I, I, I went to a lot of therapy over the years and, and I, you know, whatever, I let it go. And, you know, you, you, you know, you march forward.

You're like, all right, I'm not going to hold on to all these wounds. And yeah, sometimes you have to let it go. And so but then I was still I'm still stuck and I still have these wounds. And so I wrote a movie about it. And as the movie, is it you as a grown up? Yeah. The flashbacks go. It's a grown up and then me as a kid and grown up me as a kid and back and forth.

And I love movies like that. It's like a popcorn movie is a fun movie, you know, and that sort of like split it very 80 takes place in the 80s as a kid to early 80s. I don't know if I love that you called a popcorn movie. It feels like a little bit condescending, to be honest. A little bit. A little bit. Like I say that about.

Mermaids is a popcorn movie. Okay. Popcorn's my favorite food. Yeah. And it's like, you know, you want to enjoy it. You go in and you have a really good time and you walk out crying and you laugh a little bit and you cry a little bit. And it's just like a feel good movie, but it's hopeful. And it's a really.

All right. Maybe I was missing. It's not like an Oscar. It's not going to win an Oscar. good movie, but it's hopeful. And it's a really. All right. Maybe I was missing an Oscar. It's not going to win an Oscar. I mean, I didn't write an Oscar movie. I wrote a fun movie that's going to make you cry and make you laugh and then make you feel like a million bucks when you walk out. That's what I want. That's really nice. Yeah, it's all you know, I want you to feel great when you walk out of the movie

and I want you to cry. And I also want you to laugh during the movie. So that's it. And so then I was saying well what's going on what are you what are you doing with this and you were saying oh I don't know and I'm projecting a little bit because I have a tendency to do this I think it's really hard to to champion your own work I guess well I you know I'm not I don't know I I'm not represented by anybody. So I can't give the script to anybody to give to anybody. So that's that's not going to happen. So well, you can give the script to anybody to give to anybody then. But that's usually that's never

going to happen. I don't I don't know if that's true. I don't I don't believe that people give scripts to other people like I don't believe that people do other I don't that's not I don't Ariel I don't know I've never written a script um would you consider trying to make it on your own like or like at least make a few scenes and like put those out and see if you could get it crowdfunded or something yeah like maybe 10 years ago I would have done that and I've because I did all that I did all I did all that and and just so much failure so much failure and you just it's like it gets exhausting the failure after failure after failure after it's so much fail. It's just so much failure, but like, and I'm still here with hope. So it's like, not that I didn't give up, but it's just, I feel just, I it's going

to happen. I just don't know how it's going to happen, but I, I can't really make another move. I wrote it as much as I can do. Is it failure or is failure or is it rejection? Because I feel like failure implies that you've done something wrong. Whereas rejection just implies that you weren't right. Like they didn't accept it. Somebody didn't accept it. It's made me a mix of both. I may have done a lot of wrong,

but I don't believe in that. So I like the word failure because uh you know it's an easy word for me it doesn't hurt me um because rejection what's worse failure or rejection to me i think worse i think rejection is worse than failure failure ifure, if everybody fails, we all fail. I mean, constantly fail. And then we keep going. I mean, that's what we do. Otherwise, we'd all be dead.

I think life is all about failing, failing. Well, first of all, I'd like to point out that I believe it was the owner of Starbucks who had like 54 failed businesses before. So I don't know. Unbelievable. That guy's like that guy's a rock star that he finally, finally succeeded. But that's the only way any of us succeed is like I mean, I think that we deal with maybe an extraordinary amount of rejection and failure in what we do because we put ourselves out there over and over and over and over again in like regular life. It's not really like that. You know, if you're like a doctor, right. It's not

like patients are coming to you and they're like, you're the worst oncologist ever. And it just doesn't work like that. Right. Right. Doesn't know. So and like we bring it on ourselves, right. Like we put ourselves in like the exact situation that we are you know you find your audience right like you find some way to make it happen so anyway it's written if anybody wants to read it yeah so to our three listeners anyone any three of you can help us. Me. Can I read it?

I can't help you, but can I read it? Yeah. Would you like to read it? Yeah, I would love to. Oh, I love that. Okay. I'll send it to you. Okay.

Thanks. There you go. I'd love to hear what you think about it. Cause I wonder if it's good or if it's not good. I don't know if I over, you know, I don't know. I don't know. So I, when I, when I, cause I haven't, haven't picked it up in like two since COVID. It's a great fucking movie.

And like you can see it, too, like you're reading it and like you can see that it's a movie. Oh, OK. That's great. Had you written a movie script before? No, but my jokes are very colorful. I write. I paint when I when I write. I paint.

It's like that's how I write. I write like a like a painter. I like to paint stories okay so when i when i so the script is is a very colorful like it really flies off the page i know when i write like it just comes alive uh and that's how i like to write so but i've always written like that you know i just never got work i never got work you sit down and go I'm gonna write a story I'm gonna write this joke out well I've been you know I've been toying with the idea of oh a joke yes yeah yeah um it comes to me and then I I attach it with a lot of poetry so yeah like something will something funny will happen and then I I'll be like, oh, that's I like I like like, let's say, I don't know, like umbrella.

Oh, I love the word umbrella. That's like a beautiful punchline, something with an umbrella. And then I just write something about an umbrella and then I just sort of color it in. And then that's a joke. All my jokes are nothing is true on stage. I don't write anything about the truth. Interesting. Yeah, my truth would be confusing as hell to the audience.

They would just stare at me. They wouldn't laugh. My truth doesn't make sense. That's so interesting to hear you say, because you're the one who always tells me when I'm like freaking out, like about to get on stage, you're like, just tell the truth. Meaning just be in the moment. Yeah. Just be honest with what's going on. Yeah.

That's as honest as I'll be. I'm always I'm always honest with where I am on stage. But what comes out of my mouth is absolute bullshit. You're just making things up. I'm just just the bullshitter. I've always been a bullshitter. And I love bullshitting. I like this. Why I never got through school. I just bullshitted. I just I was thrown out of class all the time. You tell like the wildest stories, too.

And people believe them. You have to make them believable. You said that somebody during during COVID, you were telling you said something that that you had like a family of Wuhanese that had moved into your building. Yeah, no, they I see came and took them away during they put them in cages in my hallway. And I heard clanging in the hallway. And I was like, what's going on? And I opened my door and there were the and my my neighbors were in cages being drowned down the hallway. And they were stenciling ining my kitchen so they couldn't finish stenciling my kitchen at the time and they started screaming we'll come back we'll come back and they were being dragged down the hallway in in cages and then i so instead i have an unfinished i have

a kitchen that's half stenciled and the wall that's not stenciled i bought a llama a painting of a llama i put it i have it's gorgeous you would love it I'll show it to you I'll send you a pic when I send you my script I'll send you the picture of my llama and my half stenciled kitchen and one of my friends heard this and she was like do you know that your friend Danny Cohen had like a family of Wuhanese people stenciling his kitchen. Are you a fucking moron? Oh, that's really funny. And did you start that story by looking at your kitchen and you're like, it's half stenciled? What would be a good backstory for why it's only half stenciled? So, yeah, you know, I don't know what came first, the Wuhanese or the stencil. I really don't i feel like the wuhanese came first and then the stencil

came boy you know i don't i don't uh i don't i don't i don't know what came first that's interesting though that you you bullshit all the time but it sounds like this script is like a very honest yes like um telling of your life yeah the through line the wound is honest but the story and and most of the story is based on the it's based on a true story it's definitely based on true so in there a couple of things that i added uh just because you know you're writing a movie so you have to add scenes right so i added a lot of fun scenes but um a lot of the stuff is true did it feel different writing about something so honest um it's it was hard it was hard because especially when i when as a child writing as a as my as my as a child wasn't hard but writing as an adult was very hard.

Because you don't want to come off writing as if you're writing about. It's weird. You want to sort of write about a character, not about you. You know what I'm talking about? Right. Right. So it probably still needs polishing, that part. But the point got through.

I think the point is through i mean you know you can always uh write and rewrite write and rewrite doesn't end to rewrite you know right you can do it until you drop that you drop that so there comes a point i wrote i rewrote it like four times i was like okay this is i think enough for now and then the point is it's a good story and whatever you know i think that when i'm writing about myself i'll write anything as well i mean i think that the commitment's like to the story like i don't i don't feel like i'm revealing too much whenever i talk about myself it's always i'm worried about telling too much about like other people because I write about my family a lot and everybody always gets upset. Why do you hold back from talking about yourself? I don't. I think I think like

I'm pretty open talking about myself. Like people are like, oh, my God, I can't believe you wrote that. And I'm like, well, you should imagine what I didn't write, you know, like the stories that I don't put in are the ones that I think are the most scandalous, but it's never about me. Like, I don't care. But my family has complained quite a bit over the years that they don't appreciate being written about. You know, everybody has this idea of what they would be like. Everybody wants you to write about them until you actually do. I'll write about anybody in my family but i won't write about my my niece's rape right i can't you'll just you'll just talk about this on the radio that on the radio i can't talk about that but i'll talk about a lot of other i'll talk about

me until i'm like are you just until i'm dead and on stage like i don't care how do you write ariel where do you like where do you i do i do free writes every morning that are garbage um and so boring and then for how long um from the second i sit on the subway i'm on i'm on the last stop or the first stop depending on how you look at it. And I live in Astoria. So I do from there until we get to, until we go underground. So however long that takes. So

whether, so sometimes I get on the train and the train immediately, the door is closed and we're off and it's, you know, six minutes or whatever. Sometimes I sit there, things are delayed. It's 15 minutes of sitting there and then we go. And I'll just either way, as soon as we get underground, just anything like pen to paper, pen to paper, just, just stupid garbage thoughts. But, but it's not like I, no judgment. No, I mean, not while I'm writing it. Right. Like now I look back I'm just like god get over yourself

I've been there yeah but it's not as if almost never do I have a joke come from that oh okay I usually like to think of it as like I'm clearing out the cobwebs so that jokes can come um usually that's beautiful usually it's like it's like you have to like clean your apartment in order to like have like a place to write or whatever which is why anytime I have a packet due it's the only time my apartments get cleaned um but but then either either like an idea will just come and I'll just write it down real quick or talking to my husband and I'll write it down real quick um but that's usually that's usually like usually the jokes come like I write in lines. I don't really do too many stories. I'm more of like a set up punchline. But usually those just

come. OK, but they don't come if I don't do the free writes or they come less often. So you have a notebook. Yeah. What what brand? No, I got this one. The one I i'm on now i just got at a thrift store for a dollar okay do you have a notebook i used to and i missed my notebook but now i write on my phone okay that's so hard i i find it so hard to not get distracted to not like because it's right there right like i'll just like open instagram well you know sometimes it you know something will come into my mind like oh'm like, oh, I better I have to write this down. My phone is right there and I don't walk around with I don't have a purse or backpack. Yeah.

So I have my phone. I wish I had a purse. I don't have a purse. How do you write? Let's see. I carry I usually carry a notebook around with me, but I also use my phone and I feel like it's really hard to like manage all the different places of everything right I think so you have to choose one I know right what are you gonna what would you rather the notebook or the phone I miss my notebook I think think the notebook. I think I like the notebook. I'll also do like voice.

Like I'll leave myself like voice notes. Yeah, I've done that a couple of times with you. It's not my preferred way. There's just something so nice about like finishing a notebook. Yeah. You never finish a phone. The document can be as long as you want it to be. But the notebook, it's like I can kind of track my life a little bit based on which notebook I was on oh yeah I remember those

days oh my god 25 like when I first started I had like that notebook the red notebook and there was the yellow note they were like notebooks and like oh that's my old note I don't want to even look at that notebook that was like my first notebook oh my god and i have them somewhere yeah i have them all on my bookshelf i usually cover them with stickers that i get me too during that time yeah me too so i can sort of also like a lot of comedy clubs have stickers so you mark which clubs you did at that time it's like a vintage suitcase yeah and around the world oh my god it's gorgeous and when i die somebody needs to burn them please i do sometimes this is very narcissistic but sometimes i'll be writing and i'll think like what if i like what will my grandkids think one day when they read this they'll think that they've like come upon

a treasure trove of grandmama's thoughts and then they'll open and they'll just be like what the fuck was wrong with grandma grandma was fucked up she had problems it's really funny there's a french brand of a notebook that i love it's so pretentious and you can only get it at like one store yeah it's exactly how you know what's the spinal about is it like a spiral yeah it's a spiral and it has a couple of folding like folder pockets it's really good i like that yeah it's really good soft so it's a soft cover it's a soft cover um it's called claire fontaine or claire if you guys want to shout out call me sponsor her i would love to be sponsored by a notebook company claire fontaine claire fontaine or something and once again high noon if you're listening i am also open to sponsorship

what is that is that the drink that was thrown at me oh shut up that's brilliant yeah they won't they i keep trying to plug it i've tweeted at them i said it here i i i said i'm just gonna call it a beer until they sponsor me oh yeah where somebody is dropping the ball in their marketing department what flavor i don't know somebody else asked me that too i don't know what my dumb answer is like tastes like maga tears but like i don't know so fucking stupid i'm just, tastes like career bump. No, I don't know. I mean, they can make a new flavor for you. That would be phenomenal.

They could. Maga tears is amazing. Tastes like Maga tears. You know what you should do? You should redo the tastes like teen spirit. I'll redo. I'll redo the whole song no I'm not trying to

they honestly I haven't got somebody asked me like have you gotten a ton of like anti like a bunch of like MAGA people being like fuck you I was like no not really not yet and I was like well there was I've gotten a few emails that were like die can't die but that's normal you know

we get that all the time that's general stuff that's cunt, die. But that's normal. You know, we get that all the time. That's general stuff. That's not right. I don't think that's specific to this event. Die, cunt, die is amazing. Sure. Can I make those stickers? Yes.

Die, cunt, die. You could do like a sticker pack. Sure. Oh, I love this. I mean, the possibilities are endless. Did you ever sell merch? i love this i mean the possibilities are ends did you ever sell merch um never but i have ties um danny's merch is like five hundred dollars a piece that's he's a doll they're gorgeous yeah like two like i think before covet he bought a tie for me do you make them i do i they're they're made in new york they're danny cohen ties uh i embroidered they're embroidered

so they're pattern on pattern and they're they're gorgeous the danny cohen ties i love them and i just made them like about a year before the pandemic and so then i was like you know like getting ready i was like and then everything just and then nobody's wearing it everyone you know everyone's wearing sweatpants during those two or three years and it hasn't really but people are killing them that's right they're right I did a lot of that but you know

it works as a noose yeah you can go in style you know that's great going Danny Cohen ties you can go in style you know that's great going danny cohen ties you go out in style oh it's so good i'll get i'll get a bunch of emails for that um but you know i have them and i have a i don't have a lot i have like 500 pieces uh and i did bring them to show once but i don't have a joke about my ties so it was ridiculous well now you do and they double as a noose well yeah it was just you know in pander fun right yeah just talk about like and then you hired somebody else to stencil to finish the stenciling

because you didn't think they were going to come back. But then they killed themselves. If something ever comes up, you know, I've thought about it, but there's really nothing very interesting or dark about it. Like I can't figure out how and I'm not connected to suicide. If I was if I did attempt suicide, then maybe I can bring in my ties. Well, it looks like you got your next project that's it yeah there'll be something to look forward to well um i do have a joke about suicide um have you ever thought about suicide no no you're not the type no area thought about sure oh yeah all the time i mean it's just nice to know it's an option right

right right i think about it a lot you do yeah but not in a serious way not in a way where i would do it but i'm like wouldn't it be great if i wasn't here anymore like a lot of times like oh yeah a lot oh my god that's but that but that doesn't mean i want to kill myself i just don't want to be here where do you want to be i'm not here so that's just like, you know, I think about that, but I don't love that. Oh, really? Oh, no, no, I'm not going anywhere. Don't worry about it. I mean, I actually know a lot of people who killed themselves.

Like I grew up. Unfortunately, I grew up surrounded by suicide, but that's a little bit hyperbolic. But I do know more people than probably one is want to know. Why is that? Probably just my personality. I don't know. One of my best friend's brothers killed himself when we were very, very young and he actually found him.

So that was like kind of, you know, and then I have an uncle who killed himself and my friend's father killed himself. I've been I mean, the list goes on. It's we got really dark, really fast. That's fine. I don't know anybody who committed suicide. I mean, I don't like no one close to me. I know people like that that have done that, but no one really close to me. Yeah. But there have been a that but no one really close to me yeah but there have been a lot of deaths that are crazy like you know well your father's right a building falling on my grandfather was killed by lightning also what i didn't know that yeah he was hit by lightning and he died and which is very rare you don't first of all it's very rare to get hit by lightning but

it's also very rare to die when you're hit by lightning. Really? Yeah. Most people survive that? Yeah. A lot of people apparently survive it. Where was he? He was in Egypt. What was he doing in Egypt? Oh, my parents are from Egypt. Are you a Jew from Egypt?

I am a Jew from Egypt. Look at that. I'm the only non-immigrant in my family. My parents are from Egypt, and then they moved to France. And then I have a brother and a sister born in France. And I have another brother born in Kenya. And then I am the American baby. And where were you born?

In New York? Brooklyn. In Brooklyn. Yeah. Because your father was in the Mossad, right? My father worked for the Israeli. What the fuck, Danny? That's fucking cool.

Yeah. I mean, dark. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's fun cool. Yeah, I mean, dark. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's fun stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's such a crazy story that because he is who he is, I thought he was fucking with me the first time he told me this. I know.

What told you about your father? Yeah, right. Well, a lot of people hear this or go, oh, my God, was he killed via terrorism? I'm like, no, no, no, no. There was a crack in the wall and he was closing up his store and it rained for a few days and it softened up the wall had nothing to do with mossad he had quit the mossad they didn't know who he was he used to work in the turkish mountains uh trying to get shoes out of syria via the turkish mountains that was his uh specialty um and had nothing to do with

that he just happened to just get killed by a falling facade, a building that just collapsed, which is very normal, by the way. In the 1970s, there were buildings that were collapsing everywhere in New York City. My sister-in-law's mom died that way. Oh, a piece of a scaffolding fell off or not scaffolding. It was like a gargoyle. Yeah, like, yeah, like that kind of thing. Oh, my God.

We're in New York in Times Square. Times Square. It's crazy. Are you serious oh i i know that i remember that story yeah i remember that story too my sister-in-law's mom oh my god that's insane yeah it was really wild but it's like yeah it's the amount of things that can go wrong and can kill us it's amazing that they don't come you know like it's amazing that it's amazing we're here guys every day is a gift life is precious every day is a gift don't kill yourself yeah that's true i can't i mean that story is insane yeah yeah and that's the crazy part that my mother went to get the car and then well tell the story i've heard it but no you know well so you know there was a little bit of a crack in the wall and it was raining for three days and it softened the wall. So back in those days, in the 70s, when you close and he owned a retail store at that point, he gave up, you know, working in the Mossad.

He came in, they opened up a retail store. In Brooklyn. In Queens, Corona, Junction Boulevard. And back in those days, when you close the gate of a front store, you would have to grab a stick. You grab the top of the day and you slam it down. You didn't have a key that turned electronically. So he took the stick and he slammed it. When it slammed down, the entire it came down and and killed him and killed a mother and her child.

A woman that was walking by with a baby carriage and they all got killed. And how old were you uh and i was five my sister was 15 and my brother was 13 i had another brother eight so my my mother comes back with the car and and there was a blockade and she's like oh there was a collapse and she's like i'm here to pick up my husband what store collapsed and she they told her it was the electronic store she freaked out she ran she they taking him to the to the hospital so she got back into car what hospital she went to the hospital on the way to the hospital she got into a horrible car accident uh there was a 16 car pile up

like about over 20 people got killed she ran ran, she ran out of the pile. It was insane. She ran out of the, of this, whatever, 16 or 15 car pile up. She ran, she ran. She was like completely full of blood. She hit her. It was crazy. She ran to the hospital just to find her husband.

And they were like, oh my God, were you in an accident? Or were you in the collapse also? She's like, no, no, no. I was in a car accident. I'm here to see my, my, my God, were you in an accident? Were you in the collapse also? She's like, no, no, no. I was in a car accident. I'm here to see my husband. Oh, he just died. And so there she is in the ER, you know, full of blood and just finding out that her husband is dead. How old was she?

First of all, that story is so fucked up. Well, the second part of the story I just made up. Just like just now. I forgot to do it, like just now man you were telling it and i was like yeah i i wasn't selling it i i was loving it too much but i was just like but you can't i can't call bullshit yeah isn't that the best part about yeah yeah no but it was all true until the mother and the baby died that's true the mother and the baby did die the mother and the baby because i was like i've heard mother and the baby did die. The mother and the baby.

I was like, I've heard this story before and I've never heard the second part of this, including the mother and the baby. Are you sure the mother and the baby definitely died? According to my uncle Simon, 23 people died in the in the facade. He my uncle Simon's out of his mind. I told this to my sister. My sister's like, oh, he's nuts. No, daddy daddy a woman and her baby that's all three people died and um so that's true and then the rest is just but she did

get get the car and then she just went to the hospital out of your mind how old was your mom at this point 36 35 36 so young like i said in. Yeah, 35 and left with four kids. Boom. Immigrant. Immigrant woman. She was an immigrant woman. Do you remember that day? Or do you remember like the retelling?

I do remember a lot. No, I remember like the Shiva. I remember having to go to my cousin Marilyn. I remember a lot of things. And then I remember a lot of it. A and then I remember talk. Yeah, I remember a lot of it. A lot of it. And so what did she do? Because did she work like before? She turned into a different person. She turned she wasn't she was no longer when you know, when you lose your I lost my father and I lost my mother because my mother was no longer a mother, that person, she had to become somebody else. Wow. So I lost both parents really. And this,

this mother who was used to be a mother and a homemaker was now the caretaker for the house and turned into a wild woman and a machine. And she did a great job working her ass off and sending us to the best camps and the best private schools and taking care of four kids just like that. She like just put on her boots. Wow. Put on her lipstick. Now I really want to read the script. And so should all of you.

If any of you are out there in the biz. You know, that's crazy. Yeah. Yeah. She's wild. She's a to wear. She's a very religious woman. Also, she's an or she's very orthodox. Did you grow up orthodox or she became orthodox? She became I became more and more orthodox. I'm not going to let anybody tell me what to wear. I'm not going to let anybody tell me what to wear. I'm not going to let anybody tell me what to wear. I'm not going to let anybody tell me what to wear.

I'm not going to let anybody tell me what to wear. I'm not going to let anybody tell me what to wear. I'm not going to let anybody tell me what to wear. I'm not going to let anybody tell me what to wear. I'm not going to let anybody tell me what to wear she's a very religious woman also she's an or she's very orthodox did you grow up orthodox or she became orthodox she became i became more and more or we became more and more orthodox as after dad died uh she became more and more religious but now she's very very religious but won't wear a bra won't wear a bra that's my look i hate the winter in new york the only saving grace i don't wear bras bras in the winter because it's like I'm already so layered up. There's no way you'll know. Right. I have to wear a bra now after because my boobs are big. So I have to wear a bra. It's not comfortable.

But when before I had Ari and my boobs were smaller, I was vehemently opposed to wearing a bra. I actually just occurred to me that this conversation is a really good segue. And I'm really interested to hear what both of you think. Cause we're talking about religion and how your mom, I mean, is a lot of contradictions there. And so I made a comment on the last show and I got, I'm going to say hate mail, but it wasn't really hate mail. It was actually a nice message from one of our long time listeners. Nicole, I don't know if you remember this, but I said that Mormonism was a sinister and fucked up religion apparently. And I will add to that, that my first book is all about Mormonism because my

best friend is a former Mormon missionary. And one time she had to go to the bishop and report to how she had been fingered because that was, you know, a sin or consensually fingered. Yeah. But you're not allowed to do that anyway. That it wasn't a nice thing. It was disappointing that I said that because it sounded like I was saying that you couldn't be a good person and religious at the same time. And what I said in response to this, and I'm interested into what you guys have to say, and I said there's no doubt that there are lots of good Mormons and former Mormons, but that the Latter-day Saints official position, however, for example, on being gay or what happens if you veer from their prescribed ideas regarding premarital sex are highly disturbing. these things. And this isn't just to Mormonism. It's also to Orthodox Judaism and everything else that if you're not speaking out against it, you're complicit in it. So that's what they say.

That's what they know. That's what I'm saying. I'm saying that it's complicated to it's like, sure. Are there good Orthodox Jews and Mormons and Christians. I'm sure, of course. Right. But yeah, I mean, it depends on where you're standing in life. I mean, I know that you're atheist and you don't believe in God. That's not true. You always say that to me. OK, so you're not.

I'm not an atheist. When we were introduced the first time I met Perrielle, it was via an argument. And she that's a good way to meet Perrielle. Yeah. And we got into this thing. Well, no, I'm said, oh, you have to meet Danny Cohen. You'll love him. And then I was talking to a friend of mine and she was sitting back to back with me talking to her friend.

And she was, I guess, eavesdropping. And and then she goes, excuse me. I mean, can I ask you a question? Did you just say that? And I was like, tell tell Ariel conversion therapy. She goes, excuse me. I mean, can I ask you a question? Did you just say? And I was like, yeah. Tell tell Ariel. I was in conversion therapy.

I went to conversion therapy when I was 39 years old. Not when I was 18. It was a it's a whole story. Did you go voluntarily? Yes, exactly. Thank you. Great question. Nobody ever asked that question.

And that is the best question you can ask. Because when you hear conversion therapy, you think of a 17 or 18 year old that's forced to go there because of their parents. And then you're like 39. Who forced a 39 year old to go to conversion therapy? Nobody forced me. I just said, let me see what this is all about. Did it work? I was there for almost three years. Three years.

Yeah. Yeah. For three years. And almost like two and a half years. Really? I'm going to be for three years and almost like two and a half years really i'm gonna be like it wasn't more than two and a half but it felt like three i was trick i was still there for like is it like it was it um an inpatient thing or did you like go about your normal life yeah and then like go to yeah no it wasn't inpatient um there were weekend getaways there were i know crazy. They were like group.

It was good group therapy once a week. And then there was private once a week. With who who who's qualified to run these. There were Mormons. Oh, for the love of God, you are kidding. You never told me that. Yeah, it was run by an Arthur Goldberg. Arthur Goldberg.

And a bunch of Mormon. Did you fuck a bunch of people? I can fuck. I think a great place to meet guys. Yeah. Yes and no. Not real. I mean, yes, not really. I know.

I mean, you know, I guess some people did, but I don't think, I mean, the younger people probably did. But I think that I was in the older group. So when I got there, they said, look, you're a weird person because you're 39 and you're single. And the only single people we have are 17 18 19 20 year olds and i'm not seven i don't know how they were young you know like in early 20s and they're like i don't know if you want to be in that group or we can put you in the married group where people are like in in their 30s 40s and 50s i'm like look uh i don't know if i want i don't agree with the younger group i don't

know if they should really be here because they're probably here because of their parents and they're confused and i don't want to be in that group for sure because there's a lot of shit going on there that i don't i was already there you know all they want is boyfriends and they want to just go dancing you know that's all they want so i'm like not. Let's go. I want to be with the married guys because it's also more interesting. I wanted to also understand their perspective, like what you just woke up one day and then you're gay. Like, I don't understand. Like these people have like seven kids. Yeah, but no, that's not what happened. They've always been gay, but they've been brainwashed. no so i heard all those stories so some didn't think they were gay denial they were in denial they

didn't had no idea that they were gay because but everybody had been religious in some way no there was well there was a priest there were two hasidic guys so no but there was a priest and two Hasidic guys yeah and then this guy from France I don't know what he was okay he was just European yeah he was European he owned that notebook company yeah he was and he was like just a gay guy from France and he was married he had three or four kids I think three kids and he just didn't want to be gay he just wanted to stay with his wife and raise his kids. And he wanted that structure. He wanted that. He wanted that for his kids. I don't he wasn't religious, so he didn't come from it from a religious

perspective. He just wanted it for his kids. I don't know. I didn't I never understood his perspective. What what did you want? Like what? Like what like what at the time i had become a religious jew at 39 so i became religious and then um and then i just told my family that i was sort of observing again like you know whatever just you know as a matter of fact and then my brother who's a rabbi an orthodox rabbi said oh so are you dating i'm like um no i'm not dating and they're like oh you know now you should start dating because you're almost 40 and this is it you have like this is i'm like dating men or women dating women they wanted me to get married and have kids that's part of judaism judaism structured around the

family around or heterosexual and orthodox Judaism, because there's other sex and that you can be gay. I told her Judaism, right? Right. Orthodox Judaism. But wait, you you had been out to them before this as gay. Yes. But my mother, she always forgets that I'm gay. Like, so, oh, forgets she does. She just doesn't remember.

She doesn't. She refuses to. Oh, yeah. So and she always like just this summer I go visit her. She lives in Israel. My whole family lives in Israel. I visit them, you know, and they're just total denial. Now that my mom. Is still in denial, but my brothers, I know my brothers were never in denial. My sister was never in denial, but denial but my mother yeah she refuses to acknowledge that then you know that it's a thing that it's real so um yeah so how do we get to to this place i read that you went and so then you went to so you became religious right they asked if you were dating because you have to get married. And then and then how did that lead to you deciding to go to conversion therapy?

Oh, so then my brother's like, oh, let me send you this this website. It helped a couple of people that I know. I'm like, OK, whatever. I looked at it. I'm like, OK, let me let me go. So I went I went for an interview. And that's when they told me, you know, what group do you want to be in? I'm like, OK, that group.

And then I like two and a half years later. And then I was. But why did I? Well, I was talking about being in a conversion therapy group. I forgot why. Who cares? This is fascinating. It was like it led to that. I wouldn't have said that. No, no, no. I think, oh, that's what the argument. That's how we met. Oh, that's right. And she's like, that's homophobic. I find your conversation homophobic. I was like, that's horrible. That's so fucked up. Conversion therapy is awful. Like, that's not a thing. That's not real. You can't do that. And he said, I can do whatever I want.

I have a right to do whatever I want. Sure. Right. Just right. So much much so so you can't tell me that it's it's it's this or that's a horrible thing it's like it's like it's like saying you can't get an abortion no it's not like that at all why because most of conversion first of all conversion therapy isn't real like that's not a thing it is i mean i mean you can't convert somebody from being gay into being straight work for a couple of people. I would like in the group that I was in. And they're still not gay. It's not even a matter of working or not working. It's a matter of trying to figure out how to make it work. So, but, you know, because being gay is inherently, quote unquote, bad, that that's right. If you're that's why.

So if you're a religious person, I understand you're following divine law. I understand the idea. Yeah. No. Why are you arguing? Why are you saying no? Because it's made up. It's a patriarchal heterosexual.

That's your opinion. I don't think it's my opinion. I mean, it's my opinion also. There are millions of Orthodox Jews that will tell you that Torah is divine law. You know what else? There is the highest suicide rate in Orthodox Judaism for young gay men because their parents sit Shiva for them when they come out. So, you know, we could talk about that also.

That's like also fucked up is it really is there yeah yeah that's the highest suicide rate to tie it all together in a nice big bow wow yeah it's not it's not an easy thing it's not you know religion religion is not an easy thing it's not very difficult and you can't just tell young boys that they're, you know, inhabited by the devil or God knows what they're telling them. And you have to go to conversion therapy. I'm not saying that the Jews or the Mormons do that specifically. Everybody calm down.

I mean, they don't say that, but they'll say that it's not allowed. It's not permitted. It's not allowed. Well, any religion has an extreme sect right and and those are man it's so complicated it's one of those things of like my husband and i we get so annoyed with like hasidic jews it's one of those things where it's like there's something like visceral about the reaction that i have when i see a hasidic jew because i also i grew up in kentucky I grew up around very few Jews. And I remember when I moved to New York and I would see a Hasidic Jew, I got excited because I was like,

oh, my gosh, my people. And then realizing like they don't see me as Jewish at all. Right. And it's this thing of like, but they're the most visible of us. Right. Right. They're still wearing the guard. They're so obviously Jewish. Right. And there's something about, is that true that the Hasidics don't see us as Jewish? Correct. They're not cultured. So they don't know that there are other Jews. They only know about themselves.

They don't know anything that's going on outside their bubble. They have no idea. They don't know what a Sephardic Jew is. But they also only see their way as the right way, right? Like if you are not constantly reading Torah and interpreting Torah, then you are not Jewish. And if we're not constantly talking about Judaism, this would not be live from the table.

Right, right, right. And also we're talking about the majority of the people. We're not talking about all the people. Like, oh, they all of them. We're always talking about a large a larger. I'm Sephardic too, by the way. Oh, yeah.

Where are your parents from? Well, I'm half Sephardic. My mom is like Eastern European, like we can blah, blah, blah blah but my dad is spanish greek oh and how did they wind up in kentucky uh so my parents are both from new jersey originally and then they lived in new york city and then they lived in san francisco well they also lived in a van for a few months traveling around they were hippies and then my dad is an english professor so he got a job at eastern kentucky university

wow and uh that was when i was i don't know three four weeks old and are they so excited about the beer can they're so excited they were so they were on vacation and i had to um i wasn't going to tell them until after they got back because i didn't want them to worry. And then I, and then when the video started going viral, I was like, Oh, I have to tell them. So I texted them. I was like, Hey guys, hope you're having a great time in Charleston. I just want to let you know, I'm fine, but there's a video of me going pretty viral. And I just wanted you to know in case I just wanted you to hear it from me and then I my mom that you won't be hearing from me any longer my mom was like send me the video so I

sent it to her and then they were like we're so proud of you yeah they they like went to dinner that night and like told the waitress they were like you should lick up our daughter daughter. That's so sweet. I love that. That's awesome. I love that. That's so great. Okay. Is there anything else you want to talk about? No. No? No. You know, autumn is here and that's... And Sukkot is

upon us. Yeah. And we're headed into a beautiful autumn season. I feel like great things are coming. Yeah. Danny, are you still religious? I am religious. I am. But I fall off the wagon a lot. But I consider myself an Orthodox Jew that just can't keep up with the rest of them. Maybe they can't keep maybe they haven't caught up to you yet. Did you ever consider that? Maybe all of that? No, I don't think I'll ever consider that. No. Will you work on Friday night? No, I don't work on. You don't put a veil of ales in for Friday night? I don't. You don't? No, I never do. And I don't. And then I tell Esty and Esty's listening, I run Saturday night,

like after eight o'clock or after 9 o'clock or after 10 o'clock, but now Shabbat's over at 7 o'clock or 6.50. So now I just do Saturday night. So I just say Saturday night now. Like last week's available is just Saturday night, Sunday, whatever. I didn't know that, that you don't work on Friday night. Right.

That's why I wait tables because I can't do the road. So I wait tables and that's why I don't develop and that's why i'm 54 years old and still like hey you want some milk with that or cream with your coffee are you like vehemently against them ending daylight saving time because if that happens then the winter it gets dark later again oh uh so then what the does it like the idea is that we'll just stay on daylight saving time forever and we won't go back to standard time. So right now in the winter, when we go back to standard time, it gets dark at like 430.

But without it, it's five. Yeah, no, that's OK. It doesn't matter. Are you Shomer Nagia? No. OK, no, not at all. Which for everybody out there means that you're not allowed to touch somebody of the sex. Quote unquote, a man is not allowed to touch a woman, but a woman is allowed to touch a man.

Really? Yes. I know that. God, it's so enraging. Women are allowed to touch men. Yes. Why? Why? It's not their sin. It's a man's sin. You're not waste.

You don't have any seed. I have a lot of seeds. No, you don't. You have eggs. You can waste all your eggs you want. No, you can't wait. Wasting't have any seed. I have a lot of seeds. No, you don't. You have eggs. You can waste all your eggs. You want. No, you can't wait. Wasting seed is a sin. No, it's not.

I'm just a messenger. I didn't write the law. I didn't write the law. I'm just telling you, this is Torah law. You can either be educated and know the law or pretend it doesn't exist. That's what she does. You can also say that the law was made up. You could.

Okay. Yeah, the law was written by a bunch of guys with syphilis. Maybe. Amazing. I don't think so. I think it's divine law like every other Orthodox Jew. No. Okay. And that's where we, there's the fork in the road right there, baby. That's the fork in the road.

All right. I'm pro wasting seed oh yeah waste it all baby all right where can everybody find you guys uh porn hub wasting that seed but not on shabbat yeah um whatever just on you know Danny Cohen comedy on insta and insta live also insta live I'm always live so if you're if you like what you heard then you'll probably like my lives and if you didn't like anything I said then just don't follow me you're fascinating he is he's the most fascinating really yes okay thank you I'll say you look like Dustin Hoffman I'm sure you get that a lot. What about you, Ariel? You can find

me at Ariel underscore comedy on everything. It's A-R-I-E-L. And Kimmel. And I'll be on Kimmel on Monday. I'm doing Kimmel on Monday. That's so exciting. Are you ready? Yeah. You're ready. You've been ready. I've been ready. I'm very ready.

Oh, yeah. It's going to be great. I think so. I can't wait to see it. I'm very ready it's gonna be great I think so I can't wait to see it I'm so excited and where can we find you Perrielle at Perrielle Ashen Brand and you can write in and voice your complaints or suggestions at info at what is that what's our email

address don't ask me I don't know you can DM me I'll pass your complaints along info podcast comedyseller.com i think sorry this is usually not my gig you know paradise was a lot of fun it was fun thank you guys for so much for doing it and nicole thank you our audio engineer thanks nicole anytime or is dan wakes to call her what does he call you our audio engineer anytime or as Dan wakes to call her what does he call you five different nicknames that have

stuff to do with audio it's like the denison of decibels or something bye everybody thank you